Throwing “What to Expect” Across the Room

Hi Readers — I just loved this comment to the “Driven Crazy by Pregnancy Perfectionists” post. And her phrase to describe the over-the-top precautions mom-to-be are advised to take — “mindless acts of pointless martyrdom”  – is so wonderful, it deserves to be embroidered on a million Baby Boppies. Voila:

Dear Free-Range Kids: I literally threw What to Expect When You’re Expecting across the room after I cracked it open for the first time to a random page and read, “We don’t have any evidence that coloring your hair harms the fetus, but we don’t have any evidence that it’s GOOD for the fetus, so sorry, Mom, but it’s just one more sacrifice you’re going to have to make.”

My blood pressure shot up so high reading that, I’m surprised I didn’t go into pre-term labor.  The only thing that saved me was knowing that the book was a hand-me-down and I hadn’t contributed to the personal fortune of its author.

So we preggos are supposed to give up everything that has not been proven to be beneficial to the baby even if there’s no evidence that it’s harmful? I refuse. The amount of love I feel for this little guy kicking my bladder is better measured by my determination to raise him to engage intellectually with the world around him than by mindless acts of pointless martyrdom.

“If we haven’t proven it’s good, you have to stop doing it” is the easily the most incredibly irrational, anti-intellectual, anti-scientific, anti-common sense rationale I have ever read for ANYTHING and yet I think that it’s the keystone philosophy for the pregnancy police.  Inherited wisdom from a society ravaged by lawsuits.  Never mind that we happily ignore the risks of things that it would it just be too damned difficult to give up, like car travel or walking.  Life is full of risk!  Brimming with risk!  Suck it up!  Put on your big girl panties (and maternity panties are indeed big) and deal.

You can babyproof your entire house top to bottom and then have it be hit by lightning two hours later.  So put the knives out of reach, install smoke detectors, and lock up the Drano when the baby starts crawling, and then just do the best you can.

I’m 26 weeks pregnant and last night I drank the first beer of this pregnancy and watched the Saints win their first ever Superbowl and my baby merrily kicked before, during, and after.  Still kicking this morning.  And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.  Sorry, What To Expect.  By the way, if I feel like coloring my hair, I’ll do that, too.  I’ll stop short of drinking the dye if it’s any consolation.

Besides, I can’t prove that reading What To Expect is good for my baby… and the 30 seconds of elevated blood pressure it caused might actually be harmful.  I’m afraid that chucking it is just one more sacrifice that I’m going to make. — Christine

Never say dye? PHOTO CREDIT: Incurlers

Hey Kids! What To Do If You Are Trapped in A Trunk by Your Local Madman!

Hi Readers: As a Free-Range parent I believe in preparing kids to be independent and safe. Just as we teach them to “Stop, drop and roll!” in the unlikely event they’re ever on fire, it makes sense to teach them to yell, kick and run in the equally unlikely event some creep tries to grab them.

It is also worthwhile teaching them to say “No!” to any person who tries to get them to do something uncomfortable, and then to “tell” on that person, no matter what that person made them promise. A key phrase, by the way, is to say to your kids, “I won’t be mad at you,” which reassures them that they can talk openly with you about a situation they may worry they caused, or that they feel was “wrong.”

So, agreed: A little preparation goes a long way. But how much preparation are we talking about? In this great blog post on Trueslant, Karen Dukess talks about the lesson her son got in a school program, on what to do if he is kidnapped and thrown into the trunk of a car.

It would be easy to say, what’s the harm? Why not give children tips on protecting themselves even if they’ll probably never need them? But the harm is this: it fuels the fear that rules the lives of so many parents, that prevents them from letting their children walk to school alone or run an errand or play outside unsupervised or climb a tree because something might happen.

There is one constant in the world: At any moment something indeed MAY happen. Something bad, even. But as a brilliant commenter said here on Free-Range Kids the other day: We seem to have forgotten there’s a difference between “may happen,” and “will happen.” When we blur those two together, life is a roller coaster of parental terror.

Teaching kids some basic self-defense makes sense. Teaching them how to escape from a trunk because the very worst very well could happen (and somehow they’ll be able to summon the skills of Houdini) is enough to make us all give up, lock the doors and huddle inside till they find our bleached bones decades later.

But at least not in a trunk. — Lenore

Should a Teen Who Forwards a Sext Land on Sex Offender Registry?

No, says the dad of the boy in question. Here’s the story: Boy #1, age 14, had a girlfriend who sent him a nude picture of herself. Then he and the girl broke up and he, repulsively, forwarded the photo to kids at three other schools. It seems that some of the kids who got the photo passed it along again. Let’s call one of those kids Boy #2.

Along with a couple of others, Boy #2 is now facing sex offender charges. His dad believes his son should pay for his cruelty. He has taken away the son’s computer and cell phone service, which had been rewards for good grades and behavior. He also believes his son should do community service and even get charged with a misdemeanor or harassment. But he argues that placement on the sex offender registry means the boy’s future is “gone.” The article continues:

Deputy prosecuting attorney Rick Peters said those charges might sound harsh, but that’s the statute they have to use, “In this case do I think the requirements for the charge itself seem harsh to a layperson? I think it is because I don’t know that this particular type of situation was contemplated by the legislature when they drafted the legislation.”

Which is why we have to change the laws. I agree that sexting is serious — or what I mean is, it’s extremely serious when someone breaks the bonds of trust and makes a private photo public. But does it mean that a teen who did that — or even another teen who stupidly forwards a forward  –   should be placed on the sex offender registry, which is often for years, or even life? Is he really on par with a career predator?

No. And the more we dilute the registry with cads instead of actual criminals, the more we terrify neighborhoods even as we dilute our crime-fighting resources. The more time police  spend  monitoring teen sexters, the less time they have left to spend  monitoring monsters. In a way it’s parallel to drug offenses: I’d much rather the police crack down on drug peddlers and kingpins than on someone who smokes a joint.

I feel terrible for the girl in this case — outraged — and believe her tormentors deserve punishment. But their punishment should fit the crime of cruelty, not the crime of child rape or the crime of creating child pornography. As we twist the idea of the sex offender registry away from criminals who pose an immediate threat to the neighborhood toward anyone demeaning, or even thoughtless, I’m not sure we make anyone safer.  And we may ruin more young lives than we save. — Lenore

You Will Love This! Yay, Kid!

A five-year-old calls 911 when her daddy can’t breathe. Here’s the story, as seen on the Bonnie Hunt Show. A reminder to all of us:

1 – Teach your kids about 911.

2 – Remember what kids are capable of! They can rise to the occasion! (Let’s just hope the kid doesn’t get her own reality show and end up all weird.) — Lenore

Interesting Stories I’ve Tweeted in the Past 24 Hours

Hi Readers! I get a lot of amazing material throughout the day and when I can’t think of anything particular to add in the way of a blog post,  I just Tweet them. It finally dawned on me that maybe I should share those Tweets right here, because not everyone is a  Twitter-type. So here are the latest. And of course, if you’d like to follow me on Twitter, all you have to do is go there (here’s a link) and once you’re signed up (easy! here’s that link) you can find me at FreeRangeKids. (I know. Super-creative name, right?). Zee Tweets:

*Middle school girl arrested — like, by the police — for doodling in marker on desk. http://bit.ly/9Xk0VH

*Mom asks Yahoo Answers: “How can I convince my kids that snow is dangerous?” Great replies. http://bit.ly/aRWQar

*Essay on Virginia’s decision to yank unexpurgated Anne Frank from school curriculum. Should history be sweeter? http://bit.ly/bPBGlc

*If you’ve ever uttered “time out” “Baby Einstein” “milestones,” “Bugaboo” or “abduction” take heed:  http://bit.ly/aDTsEW

*Do you worry that your kids are TOO plugged in to digital media? @FreeRangeKids http://bit.ly/96mH7K

*Weird: Seventh grade football star makes verbal commitment to college — for 2015: http://bit.ly/dcx0if

That’s the latest. Enjoy! — Lenore

Just What the World Needs: Kiddie Lingerie

And yet, that’s what the world it is getting: A new line of lingerie for girls 9-14 aunched by Miley Cyrus’ little sister, Noah, and Miley’s Hannah Montana co-star, Emily Grace Reaves. Or so sez BoingBoing. Read all about it here (and here and here).

Does anyone else remember the furor when Miley took those sexy, shirt-free photos with Annie Leibovitz? Basically claimed she had no idea she had no shirt on, and daddy had walked off  to make a malted or something? Back then, I blamed Annie. Now I blame Disney. Sexy young girls sell and don’t they know it. Apparently it’s a hop, skip and a jump from princess to pole dancer.

The salient Free-Range Kids issue here? It’s the KIDS part. Kids love to play dress up — they even love to look grown up and alluring. I sure loved wearing my mom’s old evening gowns! But why foist upon girls this tawdry ideal of sexiness, dredged from the strip club?

Sometimes going Free-Range simply involves rejecting all the junk that companies want us to buy for our kids and using that old standby instead: Imagination.

You have kids who like to play dress up? Wonderful! Put some of your old clothes in a big box. Or go to Good Will and buy some doozies. Let them have a ton of fun…with the TV off and your wallet closed.   — Lenore

One day you're wearing a tiara, next day it's a thong... PHOTO CREDIT: New York Public Library

Outrage of the Week: Boy Almost Suspended for Lego Gun The Size of a Cheeto

Hi Readers — I am ashamed to say this incident happened in my own city, New York. (Well, Staten Island, anyway.)

A Staten Island fourth-grader was reprimanded and almost suspended yesterday when the principal spotted him playing with a LEGO policeman and a two-inch-long toy gun during lunch, the Advance reports.

Under the city’s no-tolerance policy regarding guns in schools, PS 52 Principal Evelyn Matroianni brought 9-year-old Patrick Timoney to her office and called his mother to say the boy might be suspended for carrying the miniature toy gun to school.

Hallelujah, he avoided that fate, which I suppose should be considered a great victory. But a greater victory would have been a principal who figured that a teensy Lego gun is a teensy Lego gun and not the sign of a psychotic tween or threat to  the human race. — Lenore

All Men Are Perverts, Part II: The Clerk

Here’s a short, fun post from the blog (The Customer Is) Not Always Right, all about a new clerk trying to figure out where to shelve the girls’ underwear he is carrying. Yes, that means he is wandering around the store, in public, girls’ panties in tow.

Why We Love The Onion, Parts 84,391 and 84,392

It’s because of stories like this: “Nation’s Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children.”

And video news reports like this: “Missing Girl Probably Raped.”

How do they nail it again and again? Anyway, if you’re easily offended, skip these. If not — enjoy!  Lenore

P.S. This classic just in! Sent by a reader:  ”More U.S. Children Being Diagnosed with Youthful Tendency Disorder.”

Fantastic (Under-reported) News: Child Abuse WAY DOWN!

Hi Readers — Yes, it’s true! According to this story by the Associated Press, a “massive” federal study finds that child abuse has declined a whopping 26% from 1993 to 2006. What’s more, child sexual abuse is down even more dramatically: 38%!

The reasons seem to be a combination of higher awareness of the crime, less tolerance of it, less shame in reporting it, and more professionals (cops, teachers, social workers, therapists) focused on its prevention and detection. On the perp side, more arrests for the crime seems to have helped, as have therapeutic drugs that tamp down criminal urges. (I always like to say when the criminally insane feel less insane, they become less criminal. But I’m not sure that’s PC.)

According to David Finkelhor, a guy I quote a lot in my book who is head of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire, “We’ve seen substantial declines over a long period and that’s tremendously encouraging.” In other words: This is not a fluke. Child abuse has been going down for a while.

What’s less encouraging is the fact that this study was not the lead story in every American news outlet. (Yoo hoo! Nancy Grace!)  If child abuse was UP 26%, I doubt it would have been buried. And certainly the story of a single, horrific case can make headlines for days, or weeks. But, as this AP article points out, it’s possible the multi-million dollar report was issued without much fanfare — not even a press release —  because dollars do not flow to problems that are decreasing. You can’t write a grant saying, “Now that there are fewer kids in danger we need more money.”

Cynically I must add that good news about kids and safety does not sell newspapers, or TV air time or parenting magazines or…anything. In fact, it is such an odd story, it violates the whole “Is you child in peril?! Stay tuned!” news template.

So let’s not minimize the problem that still exists — a 26% drop is not a 100% drop, after all. But let us celebrate some good news, even if no one else will. — Lenore