Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone
I left my 9-year-old at Bloomingdale’s (the original one) a couple weeks ago. Last seen, he was in first floor handbags as I sashayed out the door. Bye-bye! Have fun!
And he did. He came home on the subway and bus by himself .
Was I worried? Yes, a tinge. But it didn’t strike me as that daring, either. Isn’t New York as safe now as it was in 1963? It’s not like we’re living in downtown Baghdad.
Anyway, for weeks my boy had been begging for me to please leave him somewhere, anywhere, and let him try to figure out how to get home on his own. So on that sunny Sunday I gave him a subway map, a MetroCard, a $20 bill, and several quarters, just in case he had to make a call.
No, I did not give him a cell phone. Didn’t want to lose it. And no, I didn’t trail him, like a mommy private eye. I trusted him to figure out that he should take the Lexington Avenue subway down, and the 34th Street crosstown bus home. If he couldn’t do that, I trusted him to ask a stranger. And then I even trusted that stranger not to think, “Gee, I was about to catch my train home, but now I think I’ll abduct this adorable child instead.”
Long story short: My son got home, ecstatic with independence.
Long story longer, and analyzed, to boot: Half the people I’ve told this episode to now want to turn me in for child abuse. As if keeping kids under lock and key and helmet and cell phone and nanny and surveillance is the right way to rear kids. It’s not. It’s debilitating — for us and for them.
And yet —
“How would you have felt if he didn’t come home?” a New Jersey mom of four, Vicki Garfinkle, asked.
Guess what, Ms. Garfinkle: I’d have been devastated. But would that just prove that no mom should ever let her child ride the subway alone?
No. It would just be one more awful but extremely rare example of random violence, the kind that hyper parents cite as proof that every day in every way our children are more and more vulnerable.
“Carlie Brucia — I don’t know if you’re familiar with that case or not, but she was in Florida and she did a cut-through about a mile from her house … and midday, at 11 in the morning, she was abducted by a guy who violated her several times, killed her, and left her behind a church.”
That’s the story that the head of safetynet4kids.com, Katharine Francis, immediately told me when I asked her what she thought of my son getting around on his own. She runs a company that makes wallet-sized copies of a child’s photo and fingerprints, just in case.
Well of course I know the story of Carlie Brucia. That’s the problem. We all know that story — and the one about the Mormon girl in Utah and the one about the little girl in Spain — and because we do, we all run those tapes in our heads when we think of leaving our kids on their own. We even run a tape of how we’d look on Larry King.
“I do not want to be the one on TV explaining my daughter’s disappearance,” a father, Garth Chouteau, said when we were talking about the subway issue.
These days, when a kid dies, the world — i.e., cable TV — blames the parents. It’s simple as that. And yet, Trevor Butterworth, a spokesman for the research center STATS.org, said, “The statistics show that this is an incredibly rare event, and you can’t protect people from very rare events. It would be like trying to create a shield against being struck by lightning.”
Justice Department data actually show the number of children abducted by strangers has been going down over the years. So why not let your kids get home from school by themselves?
“Parents are in the grip of anxiety and when you’re anxious, you’re totally warped,” the author of “A Nation of Wimps,” Hara Estroff Marano, said. We become so bent out of shape over something as simple as letting your children out of sight on the playground that it starts seeming on par with letting them play on the railroad tracks at night. In the rain. In dark non-reflective coats.
The problem with this everything-is-dangerous outlook is that over-protectiveness is a danger in and of itself. A child who thinks he can’t do anything on his own eventually can’t.
Meantime, my son wants his next trip to be from Queens. In my day, I doubt that would have struck anyone as particularly brave. Now it seems like hitchhiking through Yemen.
Here’s your MetroCard, kid. Go.
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You have certainly touched a nerve here!
I cringed at first, but enjoyed your article, and your point. I was born and raised in San Francisco, and I used to ride the streetcar and bus all around town at that age. However, I also remember a 6 year old kid named Kevin Collins who never came home back around 1976 or so.
Perhaps an additional point can be made that our kids are vulnerable (parents too!) because we no longer have the ability to defend ourselves from an attack, and because we cannot have a cop everywhere at once. Of course our society is not as gentle as it once was; thank the deliberate suppression of the Judeo-Christian ethic for that one! We don’t like to get involved because a) we might get sued or b), we don’t really care.
Maybe it’s time for us to take another good, hard look at the purpose of the Second Amendment.
Thanks for promoting confidence in parents to exercise freedom!
Wow, talk about a slap upside the head. I will be loosening up a bit on my 8 YO this summer…not too much, but we live in a smaller town…and I’ll let her play the next culdesac over, etc…thanks. When I think about how far and wide I ranged as a child (and my husband even further).
However, I am planning to have a friend of my son’s teach my daughters (17 &
a bit of self-defense. The friend helps train military, law enforcement, SWAT teams–he’s good. 
I applaud you!
And I applaud other parents like you!
I just watched your interview with a Canadian Television Station in Hamilton and just love that you are so real.
How do we teach kids how to be responsible if we don’t give them responsibility!!!
I played outside all day long …. all year long…. with neighbours and with cousins… climbing trees and playing dress up. We loved it. We craved it. Getting all dressed up and having snowball fights and building forts and running, running, running..
We also went swimming in our local lake every single day in the summer. We are strong swimmers now. All of us..
Yes, children need to be protected…. but not to the detriment of their own growth and independence!!!
Way to go to you and to your kids!!!!
I am a New Yorker, born and raised. I’m in Toronto on a business trip and just heard you interviewed on a local news station. I RODE THE SUBWAY ALONE at 9. We, like most New Yorkers, did not have a car and the subway was our only means of transportation. It was how I got to school, met my mother at her job, went to the dentist, the library, etc. Hundreds, if not more, of kids ride the subway alone to get back and forth from school in NYC on any given day. I can imagine that for people who live in a place that does not have the traffic, congestion, and mass transit like NYC that such a thing is unfathomable. However for many families in NYC it’s a necessity. Good for you and your son. You are not the first parent to do this I’m surprised by the attention you are getting for doing this.
Good for you for being such a normal person. I applaud your parenting!
We didn’t have child seats or bicycle helmets when I was growing up, and was out playing at the river by myself when I was even younger than 9.
I also love your domain/website! Free Range Kids! That’s brilliantly brandable!
I grew up in Chicago in the 60’s My normally very overprotective mother thought nothing of my first unaccompanied trip downtown on the subway…at age 13. No cell phones then. It is hard to teach our kids self-reliance if we don’t give them the opportunities to exercise it.
My son at around age 7 said, “But Mom, you tell me not to talk to strangers. But how will I GET TO KNOW ANYONE if I don’t talk to people I don’t know?” This led to a discussion about people you are introduced to, or meet in a group or activity, vs. those you encounter alone on the street.
RIGHT ON!!! How many children were ever harmed by strangers at Halloween, for instance. NONE! Yet children are taught to fear strangers but not their molesting priest, the drunk friend driving, etc.
My Dad was put on a train in McComb, MS at 12 to FL alone to find his way there and back. It was a wonderful experience for him and his family.
You’re a terrific mom! I wish others had the courage to help their children take reasonable risks.
Ha, this is great! You know my kids are going to be raised with this sort of encouragement.
good for you! Letting your child prove himself to both him and you is only positive. It’s not like you left him in a bad neighborhood at 2 am, without a coat in December and no money. For goodness sakes, this was more like an urban navigational exercise. The boyscouts do this in the woods all the time!
I’m thinking the people that are so critical of you want to tie their kids the them artifically. Challenging our kids to think for themselves is our job as parents. Part of that is to help them to build self confidence through achievement.
My motto is ‘learn from others, think for yourself’. This is what you are teaching your son.
I grew up in what’s known as the “badlands” of north Philadelphia in the 90s. It’s one of the many stretches of Philly with all the blown out houses and open fire hydrants. I would often take the subway to school by myself if the school bus didn’t show up simply because there was no other option. My parents were already at work by that time of the morning.
Kids just have to be street smart. And parents have to allow them to learn those street smarts. And that’s not gonna happen by keeping them locked up in padded houses (oooh, unintended insane asylum analogy.)
The antidote to infotainment about time!
Eleanor, THANK YOU for not surrounding your child with FEAR. The danger for kids is missing learning the skills to become a competent adult. Learning about exploring, travel, independence are Basic skills - getting directions, riding a bus, figuring out a schedule is IMPORTANT. I am protective parent, but know that life skills are essential. We live near SF in a big city, we have gangs and other bad things. I let my chilren walk to school, they walked in a group. We talked about stranger danger and how to get help. They understand how to live now [10 years later] as young adults. My son is determing his career choices and has chosen Fire Science. My daughter lives in a east bay city and works in SF and is able to thrive in her big city life. They know what to do and how to stay safe. Their choices are based on strength and competence not Fear. Please parents, Let your chidren be “Free” to discover and learn skills.
Hi Lenore,
I grew up in the South Bronx in the 50’s and 60’s. While it’s a little different my first proud move to indepence was doing the Saturday family shopping. Hell I was even trusted to pick meat and fresh vegetables. And, my mother didn’t lose sleep over me losing the $20 in grocery money or being abducted.
An even bigger step in adventure was was my friends and I (15 year olds) road our bikes to Palisades New Jersey via the GW Bridge. We had already done Central a Park and South Ferry and figured we were ready for interstate commerce :-).
These days I live in a suburb where parents haul their kids two blocks to grade school. I walked three blocks. These same hyperprotective parents think nothing of giving a 16 year old the car keys and not a week goes by where the news @ 11 features hugging, teary teens, a makeshift memorial and video of a smashed up car.
I, too, have gotten some grief for letting my kids (starting at around age 10) ride their bikes on the country roads in our small suburban town, run reasonably free in our neighborhood, and as they got older, learn to use the commute rail and subway. I think if you don’t give kids some sort of freedom, they will take on different risks, e.g. drinking, drugs, etc. So far as I can tell with my now teenaged sons, so good. Some parents monitor their kids every move until they’re 16, and then, boom, they get car keys and they’re OFF! In more ways than one.
I want desperately to let my kids try things on their own. My son at age 10-12 used to go to the community boathouse in Boston on his own. This entailed riding a train (full of “scary” white-collar workers on their way to their jobs) and then the subway (full of “scary” workers and parents and nannies on their way to all kinds of jobs and shopping). People said I was crazy, but I didn’t see why. He was almost as big as me, and I did it every day. And he’s a smart kid.
Unfortunately, I got ratted on one day when I let my 7-year-old walk three blocks to the grocery store. The DSS has unchecked power in this state. If they decide you’re being a bad mom, they can take your kids–no judge, no warrant, nothing. I talked my way out of trouble–I was put on warning–but it’s still on my record in the DSS files, six years later, as I recently found out.
So I’m much more careful now. We parents live in a police state. We have no choice but to keep our kids prisoner.
It is necessary for kids to go off on their own and establish themselves as people. We live in such a paranoid society today that we’re afraid of everything. Or if we’re not already afraid, we will be soon.
Back to the kids. I saw this program when I was in Japan a couple of years ago. They would take kids no more than four years old from more rural areas, and they would have the parents send the kid on an errand that most parents would not send a kid on. The parent would give them a list, some money and a general idea of how to get there. Then it was up to the kid to get there get the stuff (or whatever the errand was) and get back. Now it may sound rough, but they had a camera crew following the kid the entire time. The kid would always get lost, start crying and then somehow manage to get everything done. They may have grabbed the wrong thing from the store, but that wasn’t important. So, the twist (at least to me, being only somewhat proficient in Japanese) was that these videos were shot 12 years ago. And then they would do a follow up on these kids. All the kids were leaders in their highschool communities.
Cathy wrote: “We parents live in a police state. We have no choice but to keep our kids prisoner.”
THAT’S NOT TRUE!!!!!
We have something called “Liberty”, bought and paid for by the blood of the patriots, and enshrined in the Constitution. It’s like anything else: Use it or lose it!
Maybe you have to move to a state that has more freedom. Maybe you have to file a lawsuit. Maybe you have to rally other like-minded parents to demand change. WE are responsible for protecting and exercising our liberties, since the government has decided to ignore its mandate to PROTECT our liberty and instead seeks to INFRINGE on our liberty. They can only succeed if you let them.
I just heard you on Talk of the Nation and felt compelled to respond.
I was a child once. In fact, I was a latch-key kid. I walked or rode my bike home from school everyday. I survived. Sometimes I was scared and, by bringing that to the attention of my parents, we actually engaged in a number of conversations that left me more informed and more prepared if I was ever confronted with a scary situation.
When, at 12 years old, I wanted to take dance lessons in downtown Dayton, Ohio, I worked out the bus route with my mom and looked forward to my public transit ride to the theater four days a week. Being a young, pretty girl, I was fully aware of the potential threats. I learned to problem-solve. When the unkempt man with the trash bag sat next to me, despite many open seats, I got up and moved. If I had the option, I would sit near the driver. The experience made me smarter and more wily. I also learned rather quickly that there are good people in this world, people that are looking out for you even as strangers.
When I became a young woman, I enrolled in a self-defense class and taught myself not to be a victim of fear. I am now almost 30, and I still get scared sometimes when I walk home alone, but I don’t let that fear stop me from experiencing the world.
Instead of teaching children to be afraid of the world around them, why not teach them how strong and capable they are. We’ll build a better generation of people that way.
Thanks for your article and your faith in your kid.
We often lament about how things are now as opposed to when we were kids. I used to walk a mile or so to the cemetary and play in the canal behind it with my buddies aged 8,9 and I was 10.
It seems like those days are behind us but I am glad to see that when I let me kid cross the street by himself or walk home from school, I’m not being careless.
Here’s to hoping my kids ask for more reasonable freedoms.
When I was five, we moved to a new home. My mother showed me how to walk to school, one mile through two neighborhoods and a large, historic cemetery. It was great to be able to walk alone. My memories are of anticipation in the morning and a peaceful, thoughtful time after each school day. I learned that there were bigger kids on one street, and took care to walk to the next block when they were outdoors. That neighborhood had older buildings, houses and businesses. It was different from my residential suburb and fascinated me. The cemetery was beautifully landscaped and had graves from as far back as the 1700’s. One recollection is that often in family plots a man was buried beside two or three wives and infants. Dates on the graves indicated that the mothers had died during childbirth. Of course, I only realized this as I became older. When our son was 9 or 10, he wanted to attend a two-week program at the Miami Science Museum. Due to the popularity of the Miami Vice TV show, many friends refused to let their children go anywhere without supervision. We trusted our son to take the bus and rapid transit to the museum. It was a 12 mile trip. He enjoyed his freedom and our trust. By the time he was 13, this experience and other challenges he had met made us recognize that should we need to depend upon him, we could. My husband and I are both professionals and Andy is our only child. We wanted him to become a person who could make good judgments and live well in this society and the broader world. Many children mature and learn independence gradually during childhood. There is a lot of good, human experience which can enrich a life if one is exposed to it. Childhood is a time for learning.
Carolann Walach Baldyga
Yea, you! In this society we operate so often on rumor, fear, assumption without carefully examining the reasonableness or accuracy of those beliefs. The message to our kids (and to ourselves) is “Be afraid, be very, very afraid!” By failing to define what we should fear and why we are trapped into feeling anxious and afraid of innocuous and pleasurable experiences in addition to those which are truely dangerous.
Should you be afraid of deep water if you cannot swim - clearly. Should you recognize that cars are bigger than you are and will crush you if you step in their paths, sure. Should you fear that everyone you see in the store or sit next to at the basketball game has evil intentions toward you, absolutely not!
I think that parents see no logical and safe way to move from doing everything for their kids to launching them off a precipice. The truth is you can break independence into defineable, conquerable steps. “Here’s where you read the price of the ticket;. THis is how to read this map. Let’s ask the librarian how you look up the book if you only know thë title.”
At the same time you are teaching them the mechanical steps of the task at hand you are teaching them the resources at hand (the librarian, the sales clerk, the neighbor) so if they get stuck, they can get themselves “unstuck”. The lesson they learn from this is invaluable; people are good. People will help children. You, too, should help people.
You are performing a valuable service in taking on this issue (albeit unintentionally). The voice of reason needs to prevail. We adults have a vested interest in the independence and mental health of children. Let’s invest in it now.
Go you!
I was born and raised in San Francisco, circa 1972, when SF was still a fairly gritty city. My parents bought a car seat from Sweden, and drilled holes in the back of their VW bug to install it properly, because there weren’t car seats on the American market yet! I ALWAYS wore a helmet on a bike, a life jacket in a boat, and a seatbelt in a car.
But you know what? I took the bus by myself when I was 8– anywhere I wanted to go! Of course I understood there were places I’d best not go. . . that’s what you learn when you travel around the city. But what could be safer than public transit in an urban area in America? Certainly not taking your kid for a drive in your mini-van, even with a seatbelt. A child is thousands of times more likely to be killed driving to the mall with mom, than to be abducted by a stranger on the metro/bus/subway/whatever.
We need to protect our children from the real risks that kill thousands of children every year– car wrecks, head injuries, drowning, etc, and not let paranoia interfere with our assesment of reality.
Thank you for writing your article!!
I was so delighted to hear your interview on Talk of the Nation. The last couple of generations have been so overprotected and coddled that, in my opinion, that is why they have no analytical ability, horse sense, and everything that comes with dealing with the world and facing challenges. Parents, teachers, and almost everyone else who has dealings with young people have become so paranoid that it would be laughable if it weren’t so sad. Kids aren’t even allowed to climb trees these days because they may break a limb. That was an accepted part of growing up when I was young. Most kids would rather endure a broken arm than to be forbidden the feeling of power they get from climbing a tree. Anyway, more power to you and your son. He’s going to approach life with real enthusiasm and the curiosity to explore widely and intelligently.
This’ll probably be one of a flurry of post-Talk of the Nation posts.
Three things:
1) Right on! what everybody else says…
2) I never did have a “Wow, I did it myself!” moment. It may be that I was lucky to live from age 4-10 in a pretty small town that was generally considered safe (although there was an abduction while I was a kid). So, at age 5 I could run around my street and one other. At age 6, I could walk to school with my older brother. At age 7, I could walk to a nearby school by myself. At age 9, I could do just about anything.
Then I moved to the Boston area. I was already used to self-navigating, and just added subway and stopped biking. It never occurred to me that there was anything remarkable about it. I like this gradual exposure, and hope I can do the same for my kid.
3) About my kid; I’ve been pretty determined to not inspire fear in my kid. I generally think people are good to kids, that kids can use some judgment, and that the world is worth exploring.
BUT, I was with my 4-year-old in a local grocery store that has a little child-care spot to drop your kid off while you shop. When we headed there, there was a fellow who at first seemed like a nice old man, and then seemed creepier and creepier. Later on, I searched on the sex offenders database, and there he was, about 1/3 mi from the store.
$%&#@$#!!! The child predator is no longer an abstract for me. This is a guy who obviously is not reformed, is on the prowl, and wants to hurt my kid!
My fear level has been ratcheted up about 6 notches. My kid’s only 4 still, so being protective is still the obvious thing, but in a year or two I’ll be wanting to give a lot more freedom, and I’m not quite sure how to do that.
I heard your story on NPR today and it made me laugh out loud. I teach public high school and I get to see first hand how students these days lack self confidence and are not able to express themselves, think for themselves, or “fight their own battles”.
I think children have been attached to mother’s breasts for too long. I remember the treat it was to walk from my house to the elementary school in the summer time to play on the playground. I was 7 and the school was a good mile away. (at least it seemed like a mile away). My mom set up limits for us to ride our bikes. We were allowed to ride the stretch of road that connected the two major thoroughfares.
When we got to be 13, we were allowed to ride our bikes to Long Lake, swim all day long and ride home. My mom wasn’t even at home or at the lake to watch us. I guess she just felt as though she had taught us to not talk to strangers and if there was any sort of situation we were uncomfortable in, we could always lie to get ourselves out.
I hope that when I become a parent I am not so overbearing that I have children who are overweight because they are fearful of leaving the house.
I think the bottom line of this issue is: How well does one know their child and what they are and aren’t ready for? As parents we are hopefully teaching our children how to operate in the everyday world. From a very young age, we observe what our children are capable of and how they react to new things. Then, later as they age, we discuss options and methods to accomplish every new thing they do. Knowing what your child is capable of can be as simple as knowing that your child can only handle a spoon and fork, and may not be ready to learn to cut with a knife until a later time. The same applies to more independent activities. Parents may be uncomfortable in allowing their child to stay home alone, travel from one point to another alone or play outside, but they may not be giving their children the input needed for that skill due to thier own fear. A child who is comfortable being home alone was more than likely taught how to feel safe doing it. At an age determined by the parents to be mature enough to handle that responsibility, the child can be given the tools and information needed to be home alone. For instance, lock the doors, don’t answer the door to any stranger, don’t pick up the telephone (it can be monitored with an answering machine). Teach them to know when it would be appropriate to call the police and have the number readily available. Have a list of your phone numbers and neighbor’s phone numbers that are usually home. Teach them what to do if a fire or emergency happens. Give them house rules, like not to use knives or cook while alone. If the child and the parent both agree the child is ready to be left home alone, use common sense and leave them home for a short time like a trip to the corner market, then as the child’s confidence builds, and they are handling things well, the time can be built up to both their comfort levels. The same would apply to walking to school. A buddy system is always best. My son walks with another child his age to school 1 block away. There have been times when he has walked alone, but the agreed rule is that he calls me on his cell phone and I talk to him until he reaches the school grounds. Parents must educate their children about people who would and could hurt them, this is unfortunate, but necessary at a young age. Giving them simple to remember training like if a car pulls up in the same direction you are walking and someone tries to ask you over to the car, immediately turn around and run back the way you came. This makes it almost impossible for a car to follow, but if it does, continue the same tactic, until someone notices. Yell! Make yourself noticed and don’t be afraid to fight back! Most children feel they have to obey adults, and just telling your child it is ok not to obey if they are in danger gives them a huge sense of self confidence to get away from a potentially bad situation. I am sure that Lenore had every confidence in her son’s ability to find his way home, because she gave him the tools and taught him the skills to know how to do it. It also sounds as if her son was very capable in his ability to make his way home. We parents will not be here for the entire life of our children and eventually they leave the nest…..wouldn’t it be better to teach them how to fly?
I may not necessarily agree with putting a 9yo on a subway by him/herself, however I applaud your wanting to show/teach your son to be his own person and have some self confidence.
Good luck!
Thank you for allowing your son to be responsible. I spent 40 years as a public school teacher and school administrator. During those 40 years I saw protection become an unbelievably important issue. We are obsessed with fear. Society complains because children and youth are irresponsible yet never allow them to take responsibility. If we continue at the present rate no middle or upper income child will ever be allowed outdoors without a parent or maybe even an armed guard. Why are we so willing to send older teens to Iraq and yet unwilling to let children play outdoors in their own neighborhoods?
I heard you on NPR’s Talk of The Nation.
Thank you so much for letting your son live!
Is anyone going to mention all of the low-income, urban families who are have no choice but to send their young children to navigate bad neighborhoods every day? I don’t know you, I think what you did for your son is great, but not worth all this hype and controversy. Poor families all over this country and around the world have no choice but to force children into “unsafe” situations. It’s too bad we choose to spend our time on trivial matters such as how one mother raises her son.
I, too, rode the subway alone as a child. I rode from Brooklyn to Manhattan many times without any problems. However, that was 50 years ago, and it was a safer world. Children today are just as good at navigating (if not better). It sounds as if you have bright, independent son. I think you are correct in trusting his judgment. However, there is a whole world out there whose judgment and behavior I would not trust. This is not about your son - it is about your choice in trusting the world. The subway is not what it was 50 years ago. It is much more dangerous and there are more dangerous and crazy people who could harm your son. I hope that your son remains safe and that you exercise a little better judgment in the future, and perhaps find safer ways to foster the independence that your son is seeking.
At the age of 9 or 10, my friends and I roamed all over the City of Chicago on our own. When outraged parents of today point out that this was in the early 50’s . . . . “when things were different”. Nonsense! We read in the newspapers about kidnapped and murdered children in those days also.
At age 8 I was sent by train from Chicago to Virginia to visit relatives there. At age 11 I was allowed to fly to Kansas to visit relatives there. Every summer from age 10 on, I was sent by train to visit family friends on a Minnesota farm.
What is different today is children shooting guns both on the streets and in the schools. Some parents do keep kids out of schools - though I haven’t heard “school shootings” as the most common reason for “home schooling”.
Much easier to keep the kids stored under the bed than to do something about the problems which result in violence on the streets and in the schools.
What has changed since the early 50’s is that in those days we expressed our “inner city” aggression with fists, clubs, and occasional knives rather than high capacity automatic pistols.
Heard you on TOTN. Hurray! We should all spend more time teaching our kids please, thank you, respect, accountabillity and contentment and less time teaching them how to be perpetual lawsuit happy victims.
Thank you for pointing out what a neurotic, fear-ridden society we have created. It is time to turn that around, one kid at a time. I’m so glad you’ve started with yours. Congratulations for raising an independent, self-sufficient child who isn’t afraid to ask a stranger for directions or help, if necessary.
Its about time this subject got some attention. As a professioinal Traval Instructor, I am forever talking to parents about letting their children become more independent. I think the suburbs are even worse. Parents know nothing about the local bus system and they don’t want to let their kids out of their sight. I work with children with special needs that will probably never learn to drive. What other options do they have, but hop on a bus to get to a job? I have found most bus drivers to be very friendly and helpful. As gas prices get higher, we will all be moving back to the cities and riding buses. Hurray!
I grew up in Brooklyn, NY. I played outside all day long. I walked, rode my bike all over my niegborhood and took buses and subways at a young age. Yes we were free to do so and today are kids are not. We have become a nation of over protective parents. In doing so, we have surrendered. We have thrown in the towel. We are saying to the criminals that they have won and we have lost. Criminals should be in prison, not our kids.
This article was in the British newspaper The Sunday Times on March 2 by India Knight, Same kinda story;
Mollycoddle curse of the middle class
Children need to be exposed to the real world if they are to become fully rounded adults rather than overprivileged wets with no social skills, says India Knight;
I know a couple of 16-yearold boys who are driven to school every morning by their mothers — to the badass badlands of Hampstead, the leafy north London middleclass enclave, to be precise. Hampstead is served by several bus routes and has a Tube station, but these parents are so concerned about the safety of their strapping sons that these boys have never, to my knowledge, been anywhere on their own.
I grew up in Hampstead. Back then, to my desperate embarrassment, I was a tragic latecomer to public transport: my mother insisted I wait until I was 13 before letting me take the Underground alone.
Many of my friends used it from the age of 10 or so, and no, their parents weren’t careless delinquents. They were middleclass professionals who had the luxury of living through a time when childhood wasn’t considered to be a sort of risk-laden illness and who had faith in the intrinsic goodness of other people, before the phrase “stranger danger” had been invented.
Emulate them today and you’re likely to be considered utterly irresponsible. Mollycoddling may be farcical, but at least it’s safe.
My friends and I were all allowed to do pretty much the same thing at the same ages: we hung around in packs and all had to be home at a certain time. There was no question of some of us not being allowed out and some of us welcome to stay out all night: things seemed pretty homogenised.
That is no longer true. Having a group of kids over to play is quite a complicated process today. Some children can travel alone, some can’t. Some can go to the park without adult supervision, some not. Some can hang out wherever they like, some have to remain within sight of grown-ups. Some can stay out after dark, some not.
My youngest son, aged 12, claims he is the only child in his class to get himself to and from school using public transport — I say “claims” because I find this so improbable, but he is adamant. He and his brother started taking the Tube to school when he was 10 and a bit and his brother 13; they initially went with some other, older local children.
I don’t just make them use public transport because it’s convenient, quick and cheap and I don’t encourage them to go and explore other bits of London because I want them to get a sense of its geography.
I do it because I don’t want them to become kids who only hang out with their own kind of people and can’t function outside their narrow, native perimeters — the kind of ghastly “privileged” children who bray disparagingly about chavs and scuttle across the road at the merest whiff of an innocent hood, which someone may be wearing because their ears are cold (and I like that my children can sense the difference between hoods and bad hoods).
I know sitting on the Tube and emerging somewhere that may be unfamiliar isn’t quite the same as hanging in the ghetto, but I don’t want them to hang in the ghetto: I just want them to know how to behave with all sorts of different people, not just ones like themselves, and to me this matters as much as academic achievement.
My youngest son chirpily informed me a fortnight ago that his newest friend from the skate park (which he walks, or skates to, but which some of his friends are chauffeured to by parents who also sit and watch over their galumphing sons as they hang out) “sells weed” — as in marijuana.
Obviously the maternal heart doesn’t entirely jump for joy at this news, but apparently once the new friend had established that my son wasn’t a customer they just chatted and practised their skate moves, after which the new friend suggested they go back to his for tea.
I may be naive in the extreme, but I call that a good thing. Better surely for a child growing up in a city to find “weed” a fact of life than to live in ignorance of its existence and fall upon it like a starved person at the age of 18? There’s nothing more boring than an 18-year-old who has discovered weed, unless of course it’s a 30-year-old.
I don’t help my children with their homework either, unless they’re really stuck or need testing. I only realised very recently — via a rap on the knuckles from one of my boys’ report card — that I was supposed to and everyone else apparently does. But I am at a loss to see why they need my help: they’re not thick and surely it is a school’s job to educate children on the academic front and to render them competent enough to do their own homework?
And to penalise them if their homework isn’t up to scratch, or if they turn up with the wrong books — especially if attending said school costs an obscene amount of money? I don’t have the time — or frankly the inclination — to check my huge children’s rucksacks in the morning to make sure they’ve packed the right pens or books: the idea seems absurd.
Again I can honestly say that no one in my life ever helped me with homework (or checked my pencil case or books): you just got on with it, and getting on with it was part of learning, as was getting it wrong or getting into trouble.
Much has been written about “helicopter mothers” mollycoddling their small children — ones who aren’t allowed to play in the local park in case armies of lurking paedophiles jump out and snatch them, or in case there’s a conker-induced fatality — but this whole issue reaches a peak of intensity with the arrival of teenagehood.
I know lots of teenage boys, having some myself, and the ones who have been their parents’ life’s work are easy to spot. Trained and hothoused from infancy, their Mandarin is coming along nicely (Sanskrit, in one case). Their violin is grade 7 or 8. They’re articulate, well travelled, charming. They are also noticeably timorous. As I was saying, some of them are still driven from A to B by their parents in the daytime, even though they’re 6ft tall.
Soon they’ll go on gap years — no longer backpacking round India or Thailand without a mobile phone and with only a Lonely Planet guide to help, but turning up at the plantation or orphanage their parents have paid five grand for them to go and “work” at. There they will meet people exactly like themselves. Then they’ll go to university, and their mothers will do up their student rooms and take away their laundry. They’ll hang out with each other and never take advantage of, or show curiosity in, any person from a different social background. They’ll leave and move into a flat paid for by their parents — or boomerang back home, to the secret relief of their empty-nested mothers — and end up as overeducated adults with no life skills.
This isn’t a crime, but it does seem a shame. This kind of limited trajectory used to be the speciality of certain public schools, which ensured many of their alumni only ever experienced life as a series of comforting and familiar institutions — Eton, Oxford, the House of Commons, for instance, or Ampleforth, Cambridge, Rome. A more workaday version of that narrowness of experience is becoming, for many middle-class children, the norm rather than the exception.
With these restrictions on childhood it’s no wonder kids seek refuge in consumerism. They can control what they consume, via “pester power”, even if they can’t control what they do. (Equally, the internet is the only place many overprotected kids have any freedom; this doesn’t always have happy consequences, and you don’t need to be a child psychologist to point out that living a pretend life online instead of engaging with real people in real life healthy: see Bridgend.)
I have no idea if my way of raising my children is right or wrong, though I know it’s imperfect: I can only try and remember what it was like being their age and trust to instinct. Maybe not helping with homework is a dreadful mistake; maybe children shouldn’t be exposed to drunk blokes on the Tube or (once, memorably) to flashers; maybe it’s crazy for a 12-yearold to know someone who sells weed.
But if it all goes pear-shaped tomorrow and they turn into monstrous creeps instead of the nice, rounded human beings I was aiming for, I’ll know that their childhood was as normal as I could make it and that I never deliberately clipped their wings. Of course their Sanskrit leaves a lot to be desired — but at least they’re not wet.
Fenway Park at age nine, Disney World at 11, to and from the candy store since I can remember: all of these things that my parents allowed me the freedom to do helped shape me into the free-thinking, independent woman that I am today.
I am someone who can travel alone, eat a restaurant by myself, live happily in my own apartment - all without ever feeling like I NEED someone there to coddle me.
Giving our children these opportunities are vital if we want them to develop into confident and happy individuals that go through life head first, take on new challenges and choose relationships for their good qualities, not out of neediness.
Thank you Lenore, for shedding some light on this subject.
I grew up in the burbs outside chicago in the 50’s and 60’s. We’d play in the snow until we couldn’t move our fingers. We’d swim until our lips were blue. When I was 6 or 7 a friend and I dressed up in old prom dresses and walked several miles to ‘find Mrs Santa Clause’ . Then we turned around and walked home. ..and lived… . We’d go up behind the school where there was a hole in the ground and we had a ‘fort’ where we’d spend hours. When we were about 7 a friend and I went to wisconsin on the train without any adult. On weekends my family would go camping and we’d sleep in a tent , sometimes it was raining or freezing. poison ivy, bee stings. We had ponies and mine would toss me into the bushes almost every week. Once I even broke my wrist. These are not only the best memories my brothers and I have, but these things have tought me that hardship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
At 11 years old I was babysitting other peoples’ kids. That was the norm.
Kids have a lot more to deal with now, but preparation seems a better choice than teaching them more fear. I don’t see how you could start too early.
This has lately become one of my crusades, too. I feel so very bad for kids today. It seems like prison to me. I know bad things can happen to kids, I also remember how cool it was in school to get stitches or a cast.
I think that if kids are taught from when they’re little they can avoid most supposed ‘dangers’ however improbable. I understand why people have bought into the histeria. Every place you go someone is ranting about the dangers. Today there was a story about the ‘danger’ of electric cars because a blind person might not hear it and walk out in front of it… well maybe… so now we need a law against electric cars? lock up all blind people?
Who is doing this to us? Why are we buying it?
South Park made an episode put it pretty clearly
http://www.southparkzone.com/search/results.php?q=child+abduction&t=1
P.S. I don’t have kids, but i’d be just as crazy. But, actually, when I think about it, the ‘law’ is what I’ d be afraid of more than any actual dangers. That they’d be picked up for climbing a tree, or laughing out loud.
I’m actually afraid for myself for the same reasons.
How about free range adults, too.
Please stay in the ‘public eye’. This needs to be told over and over.
Heard you on TOTN today, and what a wonderful breath of fresh air you brought to the angst that is parenting.
I’m sure I’ll be flamed for “blaming the victim” but there might be a connection between being a sheltered or “coddled” child and later being a victim. Anyone of any age who’s learned how to get around on subways or busses has good old fashioned “street smarts.”
It might almost be that parents who think they’re protecting their child ironically may be doing the exact opposite, rendering the child clueless, lost, an obvious target, a “Herb” that neighborhood punks all recognize as an easy target.
“Brava” to Lenora Skenazy for having a clear head, common sense and guts - and a sense of humor. May your child inherit all those good qualities - ultimately that’s what will get him home safe!
From fifth grade on, my friends and I were allowed to take the bus to the mall after school– not the most edifying excursion, but this and the stories of other posters reveal another good consequence of this childhood independence: early knowledge of, and comfort with, public transportation systems.
The people I know now who weren’t allowed or encouraged to ride public transit when they were kids, or weren’t in a place that had public transportation, refuse to try riding a bus, even when more convenient than driving.
Hey — I’m interested in people’s opinions, because my kids are 1 and 2.5 and I really want them to have a potential “free range life.”
What makes free range living accessible? From the posts, it seems that
– rural or small town life
– big city/ public transportation life
give children potential for freedom, but suburban life is not as condusive. Do others agree? Do you think it is best to have access to nature, or is the city environment good enough.
(Funny that I am planning and micromanaging their potential for future freedom!)
I understand that we live in a “new world”, but that doesn’t mean that are dictated by new fears.
In 1979 when I was 12, I went to Washington DC with my Dad on a business trip. While he worked during the day, I went out and expored our Nation;s Capital on my own. I took buses, subways and cabs to go to the Mall, Arlington and Alexandria. I was young, responsible and capable.
I think the difference is that I was raised to be self-sufficient and independent. I was not taught to fear and be aware at every turn. Over caution breeds timidity, and the media dwells upon morbid facts of child abuses, abductions and killings even when it is a rare occurence, and only when the child is non-minority. {Editorial content}.
I say we raise strong, independent children and help them learn by making their own decisions and mistakes!
Bravo! I thought our entire society was being held captive.
I am encouraged by the response to your article and interviews.
I’ve been reminded of the freedom and independence enjoyed by me and encouraged by my parents during my youth during the 70’s. Thoughts of those times have resurfaced now that I have young nieces and nephews being raised in todays paroniod world. I am thrilled by the knowledge that their parents were raised, as I was, in an atmosphere where we learned the value of the [seemingly not so] common sense that it takes to survive in, experience, and enjoy the world in which we live.
While, early in elementary school, it seemed that our mother had no reservations about us riding our bikes the mile or so to the community pool and being gone all afternoon. There surely was a “tinge of worry” that first time…and when we were maybe 11 and 9, when my brother Brian and I wanted to visit a friend who had moved from Cleveland OH. to Greensboro NC. Mom & Dad could have driven us there, it was afterall, on the way to our our vacation place at the beach. Instead they sent us ahead several days, by Greyhound, that bus stopped at every town in between! What an adventure! It was probably the next year or so, when after working odd jobs to buy new 10 speed bikes, my brother, our friend Mark and I were encouraged to ride those bikes some 40 miles, with all the gear we needed, to Pymatuning State Park in Pennsylvania to camp over night. We delt with flat tires, cooking for ourselves, and being flooded out of our campsite by a torrential storm, all on our own, long before anyone had heard of a cell phone or equipped kids with credit cards.
The experiences of my youth, and the attidudes that allowed and encouraged them, have formed my siblings and I into the confident, intelligent, independent, free-thinking adults that I’m proud to call my family. There is no doubt that the next generation will be able to build on that.
Thanks Mom & Dad
I’ve had many discussions with other parents about child safety. Some look at me like I’m crazy because mine are out in the yard with out me there with them!
I was at a PTO discussion where the moms went on about how how “things are different now-it’s a dangerous world”. I stood up and said “You are wrong. It’s more safe. We just hear about it on TV all the time! Let your kids breathe!” I don’t know if they got it. Read the book -The Last Child In the Woods for related concerns.
This is a common-sense issue: it depends on the kid. I too applaud your stance, but it doesn’t really apply to me, because my 9-year-old son has Asperger’s syndrome and ADHD. So, while he’s perfectly nice and highly intelligent, he is often all but oblivious to his surroundings, and I would have to be rightly terrified that he would walk in front of a speeding car if I left him on his own. It’ll be a few more years yet before my kid is free-range.
Kudos!!
I agree whole-heartedly–overprotecting our kids does to their sense of independence just what overprescribing antibiotics does to their immune system. Not only did your son’s subway ride home surely imbue him with a sense of accomplishment and independence, but you gave him an opportunity to think and act for himself.
I’m the mother of an 8 year old, and though we live in a (albeit large) midwestern town, I’m fully in support of helping him gain his independence at an early age. Though I admit it’s hard sometimes to let him go ALL THE WAY around the block on his own to wait for the ice-cream man, I realize that that it is just society, the evening news, and my over-protective paranoid mother whispering in my ear telling me he will be abducted, or trip and break his leg, or worse.
All-in-all I believe that it is an illness in our society today, the over-protectionism, and it’ crippling an entire generation of future decision-makers. And the statistics are right–it is rare that something horrible will happen to your son on the way home from Bloomingdale’s, so why live in constant fear? It would be like living in constant fear of that lightening bolt you mentioned–and do you really want to raise your child to live that way? THAT is what makes a horrible parent, if you ask me.
I applaud you for not giving in to the fear our society seems to thrive on.
I remember riding my bike, with friends sometimes, at least eight miles to the beach on the south shore on Long Island, NY, from the middle of the island. I was around 12. Today, a 12 year old isn’t allowed to cross the street, let alone walk around the block. Over twenty years ago, my then 15 year old daughter walked a couple of miles to a train station, to take that train halfway across Long Island, and walked a half mile at the other end for a part time job. She loved the independence and freedom, and I trusted her to be mature enough to be aware of her surroundings. She, as is her sister, is a well functioning, independent, self sufficient adult. I accomplished my job as a parent.
We, as a society, have become a nation of fearmongers and scaredycats. It is no way to live. Almost all of us will not be affected by terrorism, abductors or gangs. About 90+% of the police in this country will never pull their guns from their holsters their whole careers. But TV and the news don’t portray that. There are probably no more abductors or pedephiles than there were thirty years ago. We just make headlines about each and every situation. I am not trying to minimize how terrible an abduction would be, but to minimize the fear, which apppears way overblown.
Thanks again for allowing your son to grow up. Independence is what all parents are charged to teach if they are truly being parents.
My son is 5 years old. A couple of months ago we were at the airport and he needed to use the restroom…but he insisted in using the boys ones….
I gave in.…. the line in the ladies restrooms was pretty long…
The whole time he was in there, I was sweating out of fear that a child molester had been waiting for that opportunity and was in that same bathroom about to hurt my child…
It seemed to take forever for him to come out, so I asked a gentleman walking out if he had seen a little boy in there. He smiled at me and replied; “yes, he is washing his hands at the moment…he needed help to reach the soap…”
WOW…my 5 year old actually REMEMBERED to wash his hands??
He came out of the restrooms, clean hands, huge smile on his face…and I started breathing again!
I often wish that my kids (6 and
could have the same experience I did growing up in a small town where we would play blockchase until dusk and where my mom sent me to the corner store to buy her cigarettes (how appalling is that?!), but we live in a residential section of a big city and most kids are “locked up by dusk” and the corner store no longer exists. Do I let my kids out of the house to run the sidewalks and cross the street while I’m cooking dinner? You bet. They need to learn to “stop, look and listen before you cross the street….” Do I let them roam the neighborhood unsupervised? Not yet. Am I attempting to raise independent, thinking kids. Sure I am. Kudos to you, Lenore, for bringing this situation to light. I commend you for trusting your 9 year old and I hope to walk in your footsteps and his….
I heard you on Talk of the Nation and couldn’t wait to tell my husband. He also heard you and couldn’t wait to talk to me. Luckily, we both felt the same way - a huge sigh of relief. We have a three year old and it’s hard to escape the overwhelming sense of fear and overprotection. I grew up in Minneapolis and took the bus at 9, I walked home from school along a busy street, my brother and I played outside unattended. We had freedom that I want my daughter to have and I see no reason why she can’t have it. So, once again, I breathe a sigh of relief and thank you for your words.
I too listened to you on Talk of the Nation. You sound like a very wise woman! Congratulations on your commen sense approach to child rearing. Today’s society has made parents, grandparents and all who care for children paranoid. Fear of being arrested, as I heard one caller mention is valid. Fear of abduction is also valid, but the statistics you quoted make that and other fears less of a threat than I think we have allowed ourselves to believe.
When I was nine years-old, a man offered me a ride home when I was out riding my bike with my friends. I said, “No, thank you,” and went back to my friends. I casually mentioned this over dinner that night and my parents did something I give them immense credit for: they didn’t freak out.
They told me that I did just as I had been taught, but that if it should ever happen again, I should get my friends and ride to whoever’s house was closest- not wait until dinner! They never kept me in the house and never really mentioned it again. I forgot about it for years.
I now have three kids (4, 6 and 7) and I get hostile looks from people when I tell them that my oldest son has been walking home from school (3 blocks and two crossing guards away in a small town) since 1st grade. I would have had him walk from kindergarten (as I did in this same town), but the school would not let him. I am now having to battle this over-arching coddling to get permission for my 2nd grader to walk his kindergarten-age sister home. They are more than capable. Unfortunately, they are also among the few children in our neighborhood who are outside a lot (and have regular chores! but that may be a different discussion…
I cannot imagine that I would have spent months (no cell phones!) backpacking through Europe & Central and South America or served in the Peace Corps and if I were subjected to the same stiffling confines ‘experts’ tell us we should employ.
My husband and I agree totally that the 24-hour news cycle is not good for our national psyche. I found your blog after listening to TOTN yesterday, but will be a frequent reader from now on. Thanks for the dose of sanity!
I just wanted to say that we live in San Francisco and last summer my daughter, who was ten then, took the underground every day during the six weeks she was at summer daycamp because it got out earlier than I could get out of work and as a single parent there wasn’t anyone else to pick her up. She always had her cell phone with her and checked in with me every afternoon when she arrived at the library where she’d wait until I arrived, reading in the children’s section.
While I was nervous about this at first, it did give her a great deal of confidence and sense of independence to be doing this all on her own.
I have always raised her to be unafraid of strangers, but keep her wits about her and use common sense. I can’t imagine anything worse than living in fear of every single person you see on the street.
I heard your interview on NPR. My first reaction was that you acted irresponsibly. However, after listening and reading your blog I found myself without any good arguments.
However, I live in Mexico City and I am not sure you would have done it here.
All the best.
I heard your interview on NPR yesterday. Ironic, the call you took from Don from Wichita, KS is a friend of mine.
Anyway, just this year after many calls from my son how he missed the school bus and how it inconvenienced me in the middle of my workday and let alone the price of gas - I figured it cost me $12 round trip to pick him up let alone the loss of work time. I made him buy his own bus pass, get the bus maps and learn to make the transfer downtown and get home on his own. It only took 2 times of riding the city bus for him to not miss the school bus anymore! Lesson learned.
Although many people think I am mean and we did worry terribly the first time he had to do it, I figured it’s better to learn it now in our “mostly safe” city rather than he have to learn it after he’s an adult in a much bigger, “badder” city.
Funny you compared it to a “Bar Mitzvah” on the show. We played this “tough love” card immediately after his Bar Mitzvah, even made his use Bar Mitzvah money to buy the bus pass.
I feel more confident of him and feel like I’m giving him life skills as you should too. Good for you and your son too!
I just realised that parents could keep their kids from going to college because of all the college shootings and killings.
Just stay at home and get an online degree… why put them under unnecessary risk.
Why send kids to school after columbine? Just homeschool them (not that I am against homeschooling especially when the education is better)?
There are many ways that we could protect our children but that will only restrict their necessary growth.
Thanks for the common sense! This overprotectiveness is an example of the poor risk assessment skills that many people have. I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s in the relatively safe suburbs (San Jose, CA), and we had very little parental supervision then. We could ride our bikes or walk almost anywhere we wanted, and even played in construction sites! Apart from a few scrapes and bruises, none of us were seriously hurt. We faced more danger from mean kids at school than on the streets. We survived.
One day a man saw a butterfly shuddering on the sidewalk locked in a seemingly hopeless struggle to free itself from its now useless cocoon. Feeling pity, he took a pocket knife, carefully cut away the cocoon and set the butterfly free. To his dismay it lay on the sidewalk, convulsed weakly for a while, and died.
A biologist later told him, “That’s the worst thing you could have done! A butterfly needs that struggle to develop the muscles to fly. By robbing him of the struggle, you made him too weak to live.”
I wholeheartedly agree with your decision. My niece and nephew (11 and 13 respectively) are not allowed to stay anywhere for any length of time by themselves, and it is for precisely this reason that neither of them can be trusted by themselves. If given even a bit of independence, I’m certain they would be fine on their own, but this lack of independence has caused them to reach their current ages with a maturity level well below their peers. In contrast, when I was 11, I was already staying home alone, babysitting my younger sibling, making dinner, etc., all without supervision. Over-parenting does more damage, statistically speaking, than teaching a child to be independent. In addition, the long-term damage of over-parenting is seen much more frequently in our society, as evidenced by the number of “adults” who must seek therapy to quell irrational fears. These fears can be traced directly back to the complete lack of trust and support provided by parents and family.
Whew, sorry for the diatribe, this issue just hit home with me. Thanks for posting this article, it was a delightful read =]
as one x ny’er already said, this goes on hundreds of times a day, everyday in NYC forever….what’s the big deal?
I applaud you as well! When I was your sons age I was given a plane ticket and dropped off to travel across the country to visit my father. My mother gave me my ticket and told me which gate to go to and I simply asked attendants how to get there, and the same thing back…
I went out on my own when i was 12, and I must say I wish someone had actually taught me before then what kind of people to talk to… I did it, I got creative and made it but it would have helped to have the guidance. By the time I was a senior in high school I was able to enroll myself in school, register for my classes, find ways to hitchhike to work and school and balance my homework, my house work, bills and work. Those are skills most college kids have not mastered yet. Your kids are more capable then you may give them credit for. Wouldnt it be nicer to be able to teach them yourselves then have them have to take a crash course like I did?
[...] national attention came after Free Range Kid blogger Lenore Skenazy wrote about letting her 9-year-old ride the subway alone. Skenazy sent her son off from Bloomingdale’s with money, a subway map and some tokens, and [...]
I love you for doing this, and for standing up for it. I’m fed up with this media-driven security state we live in. The weather doesnt kill you, violence doesnt hide around every corner, the worst possible outcome doesnt occur every chance it gets. Wake up and see that the world is in fact a wonderful place, not something to hide and protect yourselves and your children from! Thank you again!
When I first heard the headline, I’ll tell you, I thought it was another story of bad parenting. But you poke at a really disturbing issue. My husband and I were in the living room the other day, and my two year old daughter was playing by herself in the kitchen, with an empty pizza box from dinner, of all things. I mentioned this to my husband, and the first thing he wanted to do was to take it away. But a to a two year old, a pizza box is a fascinating adventure, and although she might spread a few crumbs, we have ways to take care of that. What I’m saying is let them get a little dirty and have their own adventures, and most importantly, learn consequences of their actions. Some parents don’t know when to let go.
I enjoyed your article and could not help but reflect back to my own childhood and how my parents for a period of time were very protective to the point of me experiencing “claustrophobia” during the ages of 9-14.
For my generation the story that struck everyone with fear of child abduction was the story of Adam Walsh. The grotesque nature of the abduction and the fact that it sparked a nation-wide awareness solidified the fear in my parents mind. Obviously, between the ages of 9-14 I would routinely see friends and schoolmates who had a lot more freedom than I had.
One good thing that did happen came as a result of athletics. I began wrestling and actively lifting weights when I was 13. By the time I was 14 to 15 years old I was already larger and more muscular than the average adult male, plus I had displayed the fact that I could over-power my father who was a pretty tough cookie. Slowly, my parent began to realize that along with some needed “street smarts” I really wasn’t in danger of being kidnapped at least in and around my hometown.
Now at age 32, I think the point you present is important because as we constantly shelter our kids we are denying them of a lot of life lessons that are best learned naturally. What would happen if your child became lost? Would he or she know what to do to navigate their way safely home? Obviously, teaching your kids street smarts starts out like what you are doing. By making a child feel “capable” he or she will less likely be a victim to begin with.
One thing you have to take into account is that kids today are much more advanced and much more resourceful than many parents are likely aware of. I’m not saying that parents should let their kids run amuck, but the fact does remain that we need to prepare kids for life where they will not have mommy or daddy there to bail them out. I remember when I was in my freshman year in college that there were some commuters that didn’t know how to change their tires when they were found flat in the parking lot. Isn’t that sick?
Your column made me, like many others, reflect on my own upbringing. It inspired me to write my parents and thank them for letting me wander. My love of cycling and new experiences is a direct result of their faith in my ability to find my way when I was young. Neither my brother nor I are afraid to take risks and ride off the beaten path, thanks to their guidance.
You have indeed touched a nerve, and I appreciate your attempt to reduce irrational fear and terror far more than anything Bush and his crew have done. Your attitudes inspire.
I would like to highly recommend the book: PROTECTING THE GIFT: KEEPING CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS SAFE (AND PARENTS SANE) by Gavin De Becker. De Becker is the author of the celebrated: THE GIFT OF FEAR.
His books are about the importance of learning to trust and listen to our own instincts regarding our own safety in any given situation. In PROTECTING THE GIFT, he offers sound advice about helping our children to do that very thing. He cautions parents from becoming overly concerned about those things that really aren’t a threat to their children’s safety, and instead encourages us to educate ourselves about those things that truly are things to be aware (and sometimes wary) of. We can then teach our children HOW to: listen to their instincts, assert themselves, seek help, and go out into the world with confidence!
In some states, leaving a child under 12 unattended could get you in trouble with the police — neglect, I believe. This isn’t the 60’s or 50’s. Ask Adam Walsh’s family. His mom left him playing video games in a Sear’s store while she shopped in another department. John Walsh is the star of America’s Most Wanted TV show. Young Adam was kidnapped and murdered.
I think this is a great thing. I was a free-range child in a rural town of 3,000 from the time I was about 10 (1965). The swimming pool was across town, 2 miles away by bike - a good fried was 4 miles away down a highway and then down a gravel road, again by bike. Since I’m able to right this down I did survive unharmed and intact - and there was never a “fear” moment in all of those years.
I just wanted to write and say that, while the controversy over this article is inane, we should all welcome the controversy itself.
The attitudes revealed by the naysayers are unfortunate, but those attitudes already existed. All you did was bring them to light. The controversy didn’t create these people, it just drew their attention. So you certainly didn’t make anything worse.
But this controversy is also drawing attention. A surprising amount of attention, and all of that attention means that well-meaning people who haven’t considered your point before are getting exposed to this argument. I’m sure that you will end up changing a lot of minds, even as many others think you’re crazy. While your article deserved to be entirely unremarkable, that outcome wouldn’t have nearly the benefits as having a bunch of talking heads say that you’re insane, and inadvertently get your message out to the world.
I just wanted to send a little note.
When I called the police department they said they couldn’t take your child into protective custody without a home address.
Would you be so kind as to provide it for me?
xoxo
Jessica
The Adam Walsh case, while thoroughly disturbing, occurred almost 27 years ago. There were children murdered before that and children murdered since. The only difference is the level of news coverage.
Thank you! My step children are 14 and 16 and are babies. When we were on vacation last year we tried to get the kids to stay at the beach to play and roam by themselves. They responded as if we were abandoning them. They appeared on our skirt tails within 2 hours! When I was a kid I would have waited for my parents to come drag me out of the ocean and I would have hoped it was the next day.
My son asks for a ride to the park that is less than 2 blocks away, then when he walks (you didn’t really think he was getting a ride did you?) he calls for directions home!
I think I am going to start dropping them off at random places in town and make them find their way home, without their cell phones! They are related to 1/4 of the the 3000 members of the rural city. The other 3/4 of the population know who they are!
It is my personal goal to liberate these kids. My motto for the upcoming summer is “Disappear! I’ll see you at lunch time.”
You must be deleting negative responses to your believing that a nine-year-old should ride public transportation alone! I agree that the threat of being abducted or sexually assualted is minute. However, just ask any public school bus driver how difficult it is to maintain discipline on the bus. Your child is highly likely to be bullied, robbed, teased or even punched by other children if you persuade most parents to send their children unsupervised. At that age they are easily distracted, also. So even if a group of kids are just having fun–probably boisterous and annoying to adult passengers, a child is likely to miss a stop.
Your son is probably respectful to others, especially adults. But get one kid the same age who defies authority, calls others names, or takes a package, paper, or seat from an older child or adult, and your child is also in trouble just being there.
I applaud your efforts to build confidence and responsibility in your child. But there are other ways than traveling alone at nine!
Lenore, Three cheers and many thanks for this fantastic column. I hope as my 11-month-old grows up I show the same composure, good sense and trust in my child.
Don’t let the critics bring you down, because in the long run kids raised like yours will be leaders and innovators, while the kids who are taught dependence and fear of the unknown will be lucky to make it out of their parents’ basements.
When my dad was 9 he was jumping onto the BACK of moving streetcars in Boston.
At 19 he was landing planes on aircraft carriers.
At 39 he was landing Boeings at your airport.
at 69 he is comfortably retired and active in his community.
Go for it
and I hope you can get through all the bluster and hot air from the holier-thans (e.g. Jessica, above (xoxo jessie, please don’t vote)) and see it for what it is -
simple jealousy of the road not traveled.
YOU ARE MY HERO.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
Thank you very much for this article. I grew up in a very small village (no population sign, 1 store, 11 streets, ball park, K-3 school)… Now I am living in a very large city and, although I have no current plans to have children, I would probably wish to raise them in the city. One of my fears would be that they wouldn’t get the chance to explore and run around like I did when I was little and this. Thank you for your column, now I realize that when I have children they don’t have to live sheltered little lives in the city.
While I do believe that a 9 year old may be too young to ride the subway by his or herself, the key is that you’re not talking about 9 year olds in general for this example. You’re talking about YOUR 9 year old who you believe is capable of the task. No one knows YOUR kid as much as YOU and I commend you for writing this.
THANK YOU!
I read your subway piece via BoingBoing, and as a result tried to find a recent map which showed how successive generations of kids in one family have a smaller and smaller roaming space… it might have been published in TheIndependent or BBC. If anyone has spotted that, could you please post it here? (And it would be crazy awesome if you could email me the URL… gordonmcdowell@gmail.com) I can’t find it again and your subway article made me want to show it to my spouse.
Yes. Amen.
My daughter just moved to live with me in NY. We are way the fuck out in Brooklyn.
Anyway, my daughter is responsible and has tons of freedom and we wouldn’t have it any other way. She grew up in Israel dodging rockets and bus bombers. Can’t believe how whiny American parents are.
Dear American parents: you are insane. Stop it.
I am very proud of you for teaching your son to be independent with trust. Me, my brother and sister have the most respect from my mom who always trusted us and taught us how to be responsible and independent. Now we do the same for our kids, too.
My parents let me wander Venice alone when I was 12. What a great experience! Absolutely worth it. However, I was molested by an old man that day. He came up to me in a narrow alley and put one hand on my shoulder, and with the other hand he groped me, um, down there. I was very confused about this when it happened, having not been told such things were possible. The brain is strange, it finds any explanation, and the only explanation I could find in those few seconds was this man wanted money. I pulled a coin from my pocket and pushed it into his hand, and he seemed as confused as I was. Then I ran away.
Till this day I’ve never told my parents about this. I doubt they would understand that it really didn’t have much of an impact on me (I think). On balance, I’m glad I had the experience of walking Venice alone (not the molestation experience, though)… but on balance it was worth it.
reminds me of this wonderful talk:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=C-VacaaN75o
Here’s the map Gordon Macdowell mentioned a few comments ago. It is from the daily mail.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=462091&in_page_id=1770
Read this!:
Growing up in a risk averse society
by
Tim Gill
http://www.gulbenkian.org.uk/publications/education/no-fear
The way parents are overprotecting their kids has become ridiculous.
Here in Quebec, We had a lot of snow this winter and unfortunately, one kid died after digging a hole and crawling into it.
It was all over the news and people became paranoid about letting their kids play in the snow. One of my friend was playing on top of a pile snow with his 2 kids, and random people from the neighbourhood actually shouted at him! Asking him to stop playing in the snow because his kids were in danger.
When I was young, all the kids would play in the snow after a storm. We would build forts, play “king of the hill” digg tunnels. It was great. Nowadays, the streets are completely deserted.
Maybe that’s why so many kids play videogames, because they are simply not allowed to do anything else that could seem dangerous.
So are you going to slap some big warning on the blog that you are not responsible for other people’s kids? Because you know some litigious nutjob is going to come along and point to how you told her letting her kid take that trip to Sleazeville at 2am was perfectly safe…
I grew up in a household where such liberties were not given. It was never clear why–I was a good student (tested out of high school so I could start my AA at 16) I kept myself out of trouble, and I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. However, the lack of trust that was communicated by my mother’s inability to let me be independent made me fall to telling lies for the most ridiculous things, just so I could feel independent!
It was absurd. I was in college, and she still wanted to call my friend’s parents, and if they didn’t live with their parents, she wanted to talk to them! Which, at 18, is rather mortifying.
From here, I kick started my life by moving out of the house as soon as possible to get away, so I could have my own space. Which I honestly kind of regret. Had I been given the independence and freedom desired, I’m fairly certain this would not have occurred.
In short, THANK YOU SO MUCH for speaking out. Children really need this independence, as it flourishes a bond of trust between parent and child, which is vital throughout their life.
Good for you. As an educator I often have to make rules and policies that restrict kids from doing things that I don’t think are dangerous, simply because of the liability. It’s refreshing to see parents letting their kids do reasonable things that don’t present much of a risk, even if we feel like they do (like riding public transportation alone).
I’ve seen sketchy people harass 13-15 year old girls on the bus, and one time I followed a guy who looked like he was drunk and trying to follow some girls. I confronted him (in a crowd of people), and he went the other way. I got back on my bus and went to work.
I wonder if our “blame the parents” mentality has made us a nation of bystanders who refuse to take reasonable responsibility for things that happen in public. Yes, if you put your kid on the bus, some stranger might harass them, but we also have an obligation as a society to watch out for things like that and intervene.
This article (I originally found the citation on BoingBoing) covers and literally illustrates similar issues with the distance kids are allowed to roam and how it has decreased over several generations in the UK. hopefully the link will show here.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=462091&in_page_id=1770
“We want you to have a safe childhood - at the expense of childhood”!
As a 40-something, I was reminiscing with a co-worker about all the crazy adventures my friends and I had as children. A 25 year old in the office listened amusedly. We asked him if he had any amusing stories. He returned to his computer and said “We had video games”.
What I see is a trend toward systemic, goal-directed, ‘channeled’ activity. Myspace. Messaging. Videogames. All activity is being mediated. This climate of fear is resulting in the ‘commodification of social interaction’. One can see it as a capitalistic, opportunistic herding of our children toward predetermined and limited activities (that cost money btw). Kids don’t learn to improvise, judge a situation or person ‘in real life’. They don’t learn basic creative skills of dealing with the relatively ambiguous world out there (compared to the thematic world of media) and hence have trouble ‘thinking outside the box’ (they’ve been trained to see ‘the box’ as a comfortable womb protecting them from a world crawling with rapists, molesters, freak accidents, etc)
How many times have I seen documentaries on indigenous cultures where the children are quickly allowed to go out and discover, make mistakes, take risks? This is in the jungle! It is obvious: the skills needed to adapt, learn, and grow are best learned early, when they will have greatest impact on personal development.
Let the kids out!
Good for you. When I was a kid, I rode my bike (without a helmet) across town to the store all the time - and I lived to tell the tale. Freedom is educational.
My twin boys are two years old. My husband and I both want them to grow up with the independence and responsibility that we had. We live in a very safe neighborhood with parks, a river, meadows, trees to climb… and there are never any kids out running around on their own! I wonder what our neighbors will think when some day Cal and Willy are running around the ‘hood and climbing trees. I wish more people would listen to what Iskenazy has to say and read the book “Last Child in the Woods” - which is all about this topic and the removal of our kids from nature.
When I was 9 (in 1949) I took the subway and bus to school every day. The big danger was the parochial school kids who would taunt me on my walk home from the subway station.
When we moved to Poughkeepsie when I was 10, I rode my bike to school, a mile and a half away.
On the other hand, there are some dangers you simply can’t protect against: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/10/AR2008041004058.html?sub=AR
Congratulations on a) being true to yourself - you knew it was the right thing for both of you, and b) writing about it to let others see that its possible not to be bowed by the mores of others.
As a child (in the UK) I rode my bike for miles and miles at the age of nine, without anyone really knowing where I was, I was just trusted to look after myself and come home in time for tea !. I can’t do that with my children now, the roads in my vicinity are just to dangerous, even for me. As an alternative my children plan long walks between local villages and camp in friends fields or gardens over the summer. Good luck with raising awareness of what our childern are capable of, and don’t need wrapping in cotton wool.
I’m so glad i found you! I am pregnant with my first child and I’m so cheered to find your article and your site. I really believe that overprotection and over-sheltering do our kids a world of hurt in terms of resilience, self reliance, and other key developmental factors. And I’m so glad that you’ve coined a term for this philosophy, free range kids!
I applaud you. It’s too bad the white-knuckled parents brigade will not be swayed by your article or your arguments. A married couple, friends of mine are on the brink of divorce because the wife is so obsessive compulsive about the “babies.” The father would like to take the 5- and 3-year-old boys on his sailing boat on the Chesapeake Bay. Mother will not hear of it, lifejackets, a willingness to wait for calm weather, and father’s sailing experience notwithstanding. The schools she wants the kids to be in have security routine equivalent to a minimum security prison. I wish I were joking.
My mom put me on an airplane to DC by myself when I was barely 6 years old. Granted, it was a direct flight, and my aunt was there to meet me on the other end. But how many parents would even dream of doing such a thing these days?
Wow. Just… wow. and yet, in the back of my mind, I’ve known that this shiznit was happening.
I started thinking back to my childhood & events that occurred. I don’t quite remember if I walked myself to kindergarten (I don’t think so), but I DO recall that I was walking myself to school by the second grade (about age 6-7). CROSSING STREETS WITH TRAFFIC SIGNALS EVEN! (An early memory I actually still have is of the first time I had to cross a traffic-light controlled intersection alone & unassisted by the crossing guard. I remember I was a bit nervous, this wasn’t normal & nobody had ever told me what to do in that situation. I ended up just going for it… pressing the button for the signal, waiting until I could cross, then crossing without a problem.)
I definitely had ALOT of independence, because I was an only child with just my mom. Growing up, I was exposed to alot of bad influences & alot of good influences. It came down to making decisions for myself. Some were good, some were stupid. But they were probably all necessary.
Me too. I used to live on 162nd Street and Riverside Drive and attend the now-defunct Walden School on W 88th and Central Park West. And while three of us would travel to the school together in the morning, I was often on the train by myself on the way back, starting in 3rd grade.
Now, for some reason, the idea of letting my own 9 year old cross the street by himself terrifies me. I’ve really turned into a weeny, but the good thing is that I know it, and even recognized it before I heard about this blog.
I grew up in Brooklyn in the 1970s and took the B67 bus to and from school by myself or with a classmate every day from around the age of 7. I can’t remember when I started taking the subway by myself — it was a little later, I think — but I don’t remember it as that big a deal, either. I think NYC is a lot safer now than it was then. Tell your boy to go for it.
Free Range Kids is so needed! I am constantly shocked at how isolated our children are from the world and each other these days. Kids need to be allowed to explore.
I posted a quick story about my own Free Range Kids on my blog at http://www.sugarsays.com
I posted a similar comment earlier on Boing-Boing, but I thought I’d share here too:
As a father of three young children under the age of 10, let me say that most of the people commenting against “free-range kids” here have a very poor perspective of risk and reward.
The current skew of this risk-reward calculation is because those of us who grew up in the 60s and 70s came from larger families with four to six children. These days, a family with more than two children is considered large. More than four children is regarded as unusual. And yet I grew up in a family with five children and my wife grew up in a family of six.
I notice many parents regarding their children as precious possessions instead of interesting personalities. It’s not that I care for my children any less than someone who has only one child. It’s that we have to think carefully about our time with each of them because my wife and I are simply outnumbered. I have to teach them survival skills because I can’t give each of them individual attention whenever they might want it.
In other words, the parents of families with one or two children often lose the perspective that larger families have. And this leads to a lack of understanding of who their child really is, and what they are capable of.
Loved your story on so many levels. Agree with AB3A on the point of large families. I grew up in a small rural area in New Zealand an hour by bus from the largest city, and was the oldest of four children. We were expected or allowed to do all sorts of things independently that were potentially a risk, from biking to chemistry. As the oldest, I was responsible (explicitly) for the safety of my siblings, accidents happened but kids responded to them sensibly.
But the thing I want to acknowledge both my parents and the environment for at the time was their response to the death of my cousin. He was one year to the day younger than me, and drowned in a creek he had jumped into for a swim, age about 7-8. And in spite of that, there was not a crack down on unsupervised play, we were not smothered with cotton wool. We still went rock climbing along the sea coast for example.
Not everything was so laissez faire however. My parents concerns about their social standing as parents meant that on one occasion when I or one of my siblings was seen urinating by the side of the road by a passer by, we were banned from playing in sight of the road for several years!
[...] came across this article by Lenore Skenazy about how she let her 9 y.o. son ride the subway home in NYC. I am always interested in these kinds [...]
HUH.
I wonder where you live. Upper West Side? How about living in the Bronx, or maybe Brownsville?
You think you are some type of fucking iconoclast - but please keep in mind of where the hell you LIVE.
Why don’t you go move to Hollis, and let your kid go FREE RANGE there?
No wonder black people laugh at us.
As a high school teacher, I am so often frustrated by my babified students. Parents who are horrified by the idea of taking public transit, hand them keys as soon as possible. These students can’t do anything themselves. My high school students can barely do work that an elementary school student should be able to do; anything that requires initiative is too overwhelming for them. I teach them too late to do much good about this, but my own children will be raised to be independent thinkers if it kills me. I struggle against the paranoia society, family, and friends try to brainwash me with, but is a difficult task. Kudos to you, and I wish I taught your son. He’s going to be a great kid to teach to
I’m glad to see someone else who doesn’t share the panic that a lot of people have about “the times we live in.” People seem to think the world has never been more dangerous.
There are dangers, but they are different dangers. Sure, kids get kidnapped, but they aren’t dropping dead from polio anymore.
In any event, as a new parent, I want to make sure my boy (and any future siblings) get all the safe, unsupervized fun that they can handle. Some of my fondest memories from childhood didn’t even involve my parents. They happened when I was allowed to wander a bit.
Oh, and PS: Even if I’m the only dad on the block who still takes his kids trick-or-treating, we’re going to dress up and get candy. I loved Halloween, and it’s awful that so many parents are too terrified of reality to let their kids celebrate the holiday outside of some shopping mall or church’s “Halloween alternative.”
As an adult who was raised by an anxious, overprotective mother, I applaud you for doing this. I am now, at 30, and with a lot of therapy, learning to be independent for the first time. You are saving your kid from the crushing insecurity that comes from total security, from the inability to make decisions that comes from never having to make one, and from the unnecessary fear that the world is a scary place that comes from being sheltered and constantly protected. He will grow up into the person who has adventures, instead of the person who stays at home wishing he could have adventures. Thank you for teaching your child independence, self-reliance and self-esteem.
let’s say there’s about 100 kidnappings a year in the US that aren’t done by an estranged family member. (i think that number is way too high, but stay with me here)
there’s 300 million people in the US. say 1 in 3 is a child.
so the odds are 1 in a million that your precious snowflake will be abducted. sorry, but your kid really isn’t 1 in a million.
re: ‘Stranger Danger’ - my kids have been told they can talk to whomever they like, just don’t go off with anyone we don’t know.
[...] restraint. (The brave new world of parenthood, it can contain concepts like ballsy restraint): For weeks my boy had been begging for me to please leave him somewhere, anywhere, and let him try to figure out how [...]
With all of the technology available these days to make things so easy; one risk is that it makes for unprepared citizens. Having a cell phone available every time your child leaves the house does