A movement needs…movement. We need to start changing things, before the next generation of kids grows up without ever experiencing one cartwheel without adult supervision (and a snack).
So here’s a forum for ideas that work. Or at least: ideas that are worth a try. Please tell us of any solutions you’ve come up with raising Free Range kids, and for getting other parents to try it, too.
Also, what lessons have you taught your kids that will keep them safe on their own? And please, PLEASE tell us if you have ever been able to convince any other parent (or school system, or community) that this is the way to go!
I have taught my kids to just be aware of their environment. Adults will generally not need to ask kids for directions/pets- so it’s ok to run away from them. (not that it has ever happened!)
If you do need help, ask a lady.
Stick together, nothing scares grownups more than a group of kids.
FWIW- I let my 8 year old go to the dollar store today by himself. I was in a meeting next door. I got 20 cents back from $5.50. He loved it.
Lauren, Reuters has a cool video piece about an age old ritual of dropping babies 15 feet off of a shrine to trampoline. The idea being that the kids who go through the ritual will grow up to be strong.
I thought the ethos of this matched your ‘movement’ (are you calling it that yet? ; ) well.
here’s the link I’d love to see your thoughts:
http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=81490
I don’t have kids, but grew up free range. The best thing my parents did for me was force me to find answers on my own. When I didn’t know how to spell something for a school project or a paper I was writing and asked my parents, they simply said, “I don’t know, why don’t you look it up in the dictionary.” This forced me to lug the giant family dictionary down from its location on the bookshelf and look up the word myself. If I was still having trouble, my parents would then help me. But their refusal to just give me the answer began the development of a way of thinking and acting that made me self reliant.
Similarly, when I was very young, around 2 or 3 years old, I stuck a paper clip into an electrical socket. After my parents calmed me down, having recognized my curiosity, they gave me another toy the involved putting one block into another block – a similar activity but zero danger.
Encouraging independent thinking and questioning and exploration of the world creates an independence that couldn’t be achieved through parents’ willingness to just take care of everything for their kids.
@ Aaron – I saw that video as well and had the exact same thought about this site!
We started very early letting Teela make her own purchases. By age 7 she was taking her books up to the checkout at Barnes & Noble, not with exact change. The booksellers have always been great about treating her like any other customer, making sure she understood her change, and complimenting her on her choice of books.
She learned on her own to seek out booksellers on the floor to find the books she wanted, and when the next book in her favorite series was coming out, and if there were older books she’d missed.
Bookstores are a pretty tame environment, and the B&N Kid Sections are usually very kid-friendly. The first few times my wife and I kindof hung out by the “new release” shelf by the door, so she wouldn’t slip past us, but we got over that after a while.
She also has her own phone, and she’ll call us if she can’t find us. Because she *can*, she rarely *does*.
tc>
Here’s a program someone sent me a link to : http://www.walkboston.org/work/safe_routes.htm. It’s part of walk Boston. It’s a program that organizes kids to walk to school. This is something I’d like to experiment with in my neighborhood. But I have mixed feelings.
The thing that kind of bugs me about this program is the way it’s so instrumentally justified. Get your kids to walk to school so they don’t get fat sort of thing – but it is also just so obsessively focused on safety. I’m not suggesting an unsafe walk to school but frankly I think we should be making the point that waking to school IS already pretty safe.
Besides that, I think walking to school is good for its own sake. Whether it’s the chance to spend time with other kids or just the act of being an autonomous person in the for those few minute every day
I’m troubled a bit because to make this happen takes a certain amount of collective will but when you formalize things too much, it’s like the kiss of death. In this case I think it could end up being highly structured unstructured time – if that makes any sense.
Perhaps we just need to convince other parents and the rest of the world at large that we just need to bi tthe bullet, let them go and leave it at that….
The struggle is in that last sentence: convincing others that you’re not irresponsible and crazy. So far … I get a lot of nodding responses but no one saying, Totally, I (would) let my kid do that too.
So, for the summer I’m considering allowing my third-grader to wander a bit. We live in an urban neighborhood with sidewalks everywhere, and I can’t go a block without bumping into someone I know, and I’m not social at all. I even know the cops because I’m always bugging them to catch the speeders on our street.
There’s a playground within a block; the library within 4 blocks, and a neighborhood church with Vacation Bible School 2 blocks away. He has friends who live on the intersecting streets. So I’m thinking this will be okay, so long as everyone else doesn’t flip out.
Anyone have any ideas to strengthen that plan? Or anyone who’s actually done it? Anyone?
To expand on what Nancy said, the CDC actually has a whole initiative about walking to school, called (of course), KidsWalk-to-School: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/kidswalk/
Here’s what I, personally, am doing: My husband and I are buying a house that’s within walking distance of a large city park, a brand-new public library, the YMCA we already belong to, and a good elementary school. It’s also less than a mile from my husband’s office, so he’s going to start riding a scooter to work. Once we’re settled in, I will join the neighborhood association (I was active in the neighborhood association in the city we moved from, and I think getting those folks involved is key–they not only know what’s really going on in the neighborhood, but they care about keeping it safe). I will see if there’s already a walking-to-school initiative at the local school, and get involved with that *before* my son gets to school.
I think one thing we need to do is to challenge conventional wisdom. For example:
- Are the suburban schools *really* better than the city schools? In some areas, they are; in other areas, they’re just bigger. What most of them have in common is that they’re not within walking distance of most students’ homes.
- Is it really less safe to be a kid now than it was when we were young? Again, in some areas, it probably is. In other areas, not so much.
When people tell us things like “it’s not safe for kids to walk to school anymore,” we need to pursue it (but gently). For example, we might ask, “Why do you believe it’s not safe?” And then see what they say. If they say “Because there are no crossing guards and no school zone speed limits,” well, then, they’ve got a valid point: crossing guards and school zones make it safer for kids to walk to school. But if they say “Because of all the SEXUAL PREDATORS nowadays who hang out waiting for children to molest,” ask them how they know that. Usually they’ll say something like “Because they all have THE INTERNET now and they have LISTS of where to go to find children,” and you can ask them if they’ve seen those lists, and if your school is on them. And if they haven’t seen those lists, how do they know they exist? (Oh, wait: because someone they work with has a sister whose husband read all about it on the Internet, and she that he said…)
We have to fight fear and conventional wisdom if we want to reclaim our communities and make them places where it’s fun and safe to raise a family. It’s not the sexual predators that are keeping the kids inside; it’s our own fear.
And of course, the local media that’s so starved for ratings that they’ll make up anything to get viewers: “Was it really just a wrong number–or was the mysterious caller who asked for ‘Marge’ trying to find out if Tommy was home alone? Join us at 10 for more on one local fifth-grader’s harrowing escape from a sexual predator!” But that’s another topic.
(Just a note: the scooter doesn’t have anything to do with kids walking to school or otherwise ranging free, except maybe because it means one less car on neighborhood streets. I just thought it was neat.)
This is such an interesting concept for me. We live on a very safe suburban neighborhood street but I feel like I need to be outside watching if my kids are riding bikes; I think my main concern is getting hit by a car but I know if I just make sure they know the rules (look both ways, etc) I shouldn’t have to worry. My children are 4, 4 (twins), 6, and nearly 8. They are very self-sufficient around the house and I wonder when I can start leaving them at home alone while I take a quick trip to the store? Are there state laws for what age a child can be left home alone?
I have begun with my three boys 2,4,6 by letting them play in our (unfenced) yard alone. All three know they have to stay in the yard, that its ok to tell on your brothers if they go out of the yard, and to get me if they run into trouble (which to-date has only consisted of the little one dumping mud on another one’s hair)
The only problem so far has been my indignant neighbors reporting to me that they are out in the yard. This has happened twice. I have tried to remain calm and explain that I am checking on them regularly, but the level of hysteria is pretty amazing.
Recommendations on addressing these dramas cooly very much appreciated.
When my three-year-old and I are leaving the YMCA several times a week, we play a game: he takes the stairs, and I take the elevator – we see who gets downstairs first. He is out of my sight about thirty seconds. He does not go out the front door without me. I am trying to teach him to tell helpful adults that his mama is right behind him, because I there is often someone hovering over him when I catch up with him – I hate to worry people who don’t know our routine.
I’m glad that people are looking out for him; I’d do the same for other kids. I’m also glad that no one has reported me for negligence. I think we’ve reached the perfect balance in our community – but honestly, isn’t it sad we have to worry about things like this?
We live in a college town, fairly large, but in my neighborhood and downtown, I feel like people know me and my children well, and that they’re perfectly safe, as long as a car doesn’t whip around the corner when they’re trying to cross the street. (The older one, that is; even I don’t let a 3-year-old cross the street by himself!)
As with all things, I think finding a place where you’re known and feel safe, and branching out from there is a good strategy. So, yes, the children can wander around in our local food cooperative, where everyone has known them since they were tiny nurslings, but not in the giant supermarket on the edge of town. We’ll see what happens next.
I live in a very small town- 200 people about- and we free-range our kids all the time. The ride bikes through the wilderness and even ride their horses through the hills into town. I let my 3 yr old play outside and roam quite a bit although under supervision so he doesn’t cross over into the field with the cows. The kids in town leave thier bikes all over the place and pick them up later, or days later. We always ask them to stick together and all the adults in town watch out for them. It is not uncommon to see the children wandering through town at 9 pm waiting for that moment that the sun drops and everyone needs to be home.
What I do worry about is cars. I also worry about paranoid tourists seeing our kids be free. I also worry about those poor kids who are being abused in thier homes or by some “uncle”. I worry about the kids having too much fun to stop and drink water or eat.
I love free-range children so so much.
I find the best thing to do is for the adults to get outside and meet your neighbors. This was very hard to do – I am a total antisocial geek by nature. But I forced myself to get to know the other people around us. I don’t know everyone on our block, but I know enough people that I feel comfortable letting the kids ride around. We walk everywhere. Because of this, we are recognized, and we recognize who ’should’ be around in the neighborhood. We can tell the kids which houses would be safe to go to if they were having trouble. Knowledge of our surroundings is the key.
Sara, regardless of laws you should do what you feel is right for your kids. My son was mature enough to ride the school bus in preschool; my daughter was in kindergarten before I could trust her to sit down and behave. Judge them for themselves, not by external standards.
snowmama, I think I’d ask the neighbors why one should pay the expenses of living in suburbia if it’s not safe enough to let kids play outside without an adult guarding them. Seriously, I would. Because Molly’s got good points. Maybe getting to know them would help them feel more comfortable. Maybe not, if they’re that insecure and paranoid.
I walked my son to school today and along the way quizzed him at every block as far as which way to go. He is 6, and going into 1st grade next year. The goal is to get him to the point that by the time his little brother is his age they can walk to school together without parental supervision. It is hard because there is one pretty busy road to cross. But the 6 year old already has great instincts when it comes to road crossings, we were at a stop sign across from the school, and he saw a car coming and he stopped and let the car come to the intersection and stop before he tried to cross!
On the flip side we had some neighbor kids over to play, but one girl wasn’t allowed to come into our house because her parents don’t know us well enough, this is our next door neighbor! It’s not a big deal because she is much older than our oldest so her coming over won’t be a regular thing, but we are the house with the cool trampoline so it is an issue. I told her to let her parents know that any time they want to come over, see the house and spend more time with us they are welcome.
I think the biggest ideas are walking the kids to school, letting them tell you the way so you can be sure they know the way. And communicating with your neighbors so everyone knows each others kids and develops a sense of custody and caring for them. While it might sound like a cliche, it really does take a village. And if we as adults can break ourselves away from our insular little lives maybe we will feel safer about our kids.
I think this site needs a seperate idea page for what to say when others question the ‘free-range’ parenting approach
I, for one, have more problems with people explaining to me why I am an idiot then thinking of idea’s to keep my kids’ safe.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and want to offer another angle on the fear factor affecting our kids and making it hard to raise “free range kids.” Here’s a link to an article I wrote recently about how excessive safety rules are actually harmful to kids as it makes them less likely to know a reasonable rule when they see one. I’d love to know if anyone agrees:
http://www.burbia.com/node/1697
I love this! After reading around here at the website I’ve lightened up even more (I’ve tried not to hover too much). Last week our 14yos forgot to give me two DVDs that had to go back to our church library when I’d made a run. So instead of me going back in the car, I had him walk it a few days later (probably 10-14 blocks from here). I did ask if he wanted to look at a map before he went, which he did, but he did fine — of course. Now I’m letting the youngers play out front more, letting those who ask do “wild” experiments more (including lighting a fire inside a tuna can, outside), let our 6yo light candles in the evenings, etc. Seems like such huge things — but sadly so, eh? Thanks for the blog.
This is amazing. I thought I was just a being a good parent, now I am part of a movement. My kids are “Free Range”. Rats, I thought they were just kids.
What the hell is this insanity?
We have to have a movement, a catchy name and a blog before we will let our kids be kids?
My kids have been able & encouraged to get out of the house without supervision since they were little. They were encouraged to walk the neighborhood by themselves, to explore, to learn & grow without mommy and daddy.
Other kids in the area love to come to our house because we let the kids be kid, by themselves, without constant monitoring. They learn how to settle differences, how to get along, and how to be part of a group.
Crap.
My kid plays with powertools, runs the saw mill, drive, lights fires in the woodstove, cook son the gas range, runs all over the forest we live in (124 acres surrounded by other large tracts of land), flies transcontinentally, talks to strangers . . . she’s ALWAYS talked to strangers.
For that matter, she’s never met a stranger–just people she wants to talk to whose names she doesn’t yet know. How are you going to learn to distinguish between and assess people, if you have no exposure to them? We’ve always talked at length about people who give me a chill, to assess that split-second intuitional gut feeling . . . how can you learn to identify and trust that, if you never meet people who are “off”?
I think people forget that the “play” of childhood is shaping future adults. Children are constantly finding our more about their world in their interactions with it . . . which sure does explain a lot about kids who go to school, come home from school, lock themselves in the house with their homework and video games and television until their parents come home, go to bed, and repeat that 5 days a week.
Oh–that, too. We don’t just free-range on evenings and weekends. We sprung our kid from school, too.
–Jen
I was raised as a free range child on the north side of Chicago back in the early 70s. From the age of around 4, I was walking to school and to the playground with my 9 year old sister as chaperone. By the time I was 6, I was doing both myself unescorted. There was nothing unusual about that, every other kid in the neighborhood did exactly the same thing. And amazingly enough, in the middle of America’s second largest city (at the time), all of us managed to make it through childhood with nothing more than a few scraped knees and a strong sense of self-reliance and independence.
Now that I am the father of a 2 1/2 year old daughter, I am fighting every natural instinct in my body to be a helicopter parent. Of course I want her to avoid falling off the jungle gym, and of course I want her to not have conflicts with other kids, and of course I want to keep her safe at all times. But the adult version of all of these things will happen to her eventually, so she should learn about how to handle these issues at an early age by herself. It is actually counterproductive to her development to not give her the chance to get hurt occasionally (within reason, of course). That’s how we all learn to function in the world, and how we learn to measure whether to take risks.
I know a LOT of parents who raised their kids in a bubble, and to be honest many (ok, most) of these kids are extraordinarily risk averse, sadly lacking in ambition, and frankly. . . well. . . pretty boring to talk to.
P.S. Dora the Explorer should be the poster child for free range kids. She goes on long expeditions with only her co-dependent friend Boots for company, a random selection of odds and ends in her backpack, a rather vague map, and she faces extraordinary challenges (like the frequently recurring Crocodile Lake, and a kleptomaniac fox), all without any parental supervision whatsoever.
I’m a Free Range parent, thanks for the term by the way, and proud. I have four independant, intelligent and self-reliant children to show for it. My youngest son at seven years old has Muscular Dystrophy and uses a wheel chair and does as much for himself as his siblings. He cleans his own room, prepares himself simple meals, plays outdoors and can visit friends a few blocks away. I refuse to rob my kids of any chance at living their life and knowing that they did things for themselves to make myself feel better. Contrary to popular belief, crime is not on the rise, paranoia, however, is. How sad for the children who are never allowed the chance to say “I did that! All on my own!”
Hooray, you are wonderful people to stir this up.
This is FANTASTIC.
With love from a melbourne mum.
I want to cry reading this. I thought I was the ONLY person who felt like this, and therefore thought I was wrong. I want to let my two kids walk to school alone (but together) on a hiking trail through a nature preserve and I’ve been told that I’m nuts. I let my 9-year old (who is now 10 1/2) walk to his friends house – only 4 blocks away – not crossing any major streets – and I’ve been told that I’m nuts. I think my 10 1/2 year old is very mature and responsible, but everyone else I know watches their childs’ every move – so even if I try to let him have some independence with friends, another parent is always hovering. I just don’t feel there are even enough opportunities for them to have some reasonable freedom. I know he would have loved the “find your way home from Bloomindale’s” challenge/experiment.
Thanks for starting a movement!
I think is wonderful what you are doing.
In my community I have been organizing an outdoor playgroup in all seasons, No bad weather only bad clothing.
Check out our website http://www.activekidsclub.com/
Ms. Skenazy:
We discovered your site via an Iconoculture email sent last week. We have been studying some of the same ideas and issues regarding Millennials and their influencers. As a marketing firm serving higher education, we’re constantly monitoring the identity of this generation in an effort to clearly communicate with them.
We’re faced with the challenge of addressing these parent/child partnerships everyday. In our studies, we often find ourselves waiting for signs of a “market correction.” Knowing that the most significant change in parenting will like come from different (Gen X) parents, we published this article http://www.rhb.com/pages/beinspired/resources/grounding-the-helicopters.html in response to the announcement of the television show, Kid Nation. We’d be pleased to hear/read your response.
I am a 37 y/o Gen Xer expecting Baby No. 1. Quite possibly this will be the only child I get to have, with the biological clock ticking merrily along. I want to get this right — but I reject the idea that I (or my child) must be perfect. I think we can accept an A for effort, and just enjoy childhood for the innocent, carefree time it should be. There will be plenty enough time for stress and structure in adulthood.
My theory is that due to declining birthrates and family sizes, there’s a bit of the “precious child” syndrome going on with helicopter parents. We all start out being incessantly marketed to buy this gadget or that geegaw for our wonder baby (with the implication being that if you don’t buy these things, you’re uncaring). In our consumer quest, we extend that into childhood with endless programmatic “lessons” and tightly-controlled “activities.”
Then the media attempts to sell fear, which they excel at 24-7 now with the cable news media cycle. Instead of consuming goods, we consume the histrionic threats that media marketers sell to us. They take the most isolated, extreme examples and pitch them to viewers as if it were something that “could happen to you!” (or your child, which is worse).
Finally, there are the institutional pillars — the school, the government, the community services — who fear litigation for their own liability should a rare accident or incident occur on their “watch”. So deeply have these child-guardians internalized media messaging and fear culture, that to reject the “every child is in danger” model is to court allegations of child neglect or even abuse.
My husband and I fully intend to raise our child(ren) the way we were raised — not wild, but free to roam. Not out of control, but untethered. We accept that bad things sometimes happen, and that our child will have to learn to assess risks and accept the consequences of a poor choice… as well as a few simple pratfalls that result from honestly trying and failing.
This is such an encouraging site. Best wishes.
Fear of stranger-danger is keeping our children under virtual house arrest, where they watch TV, play video games and talk on cell phones. They have become disconnected from the outdoors, and this disconnect has harmed them physically, mentally and even spiritually. In his book Last Child in the Woods, Richard Louv offers compelling research about “Nature Deficit Disorder” and why we need to get our kids outdoors again in unstructured play. His book has started a national movement. Go to the Children and Nature Network site to see what is happening and join in: http://www.cnaturenet.org . Thanks Lenore for raising awareness about this.
I’m almost 13, and in theory, I agree with everything posted here. Kids should have freedom — my friend has been traveling home alone since she was eight, and she’s still alive. In fact, despite someone’s comment that “A scared child is going to behave LIKE A SCARED child, filled with panic and possibly frozen in fear,” that particular friend was threatened at age 9 on the subway alone. She yelled, kicked, and punched, someone heard her, and she continued on the NYC subway home. The truth is, the comments about “…a gentleman was beaten and murdered on a subway platform…” may be valid, but need to be considered. What time was this, honestly? How many people were around? Because I personally would much rather be in a chaotic train station, such as the one at Union Square, then a calm, empty one where if some crazy guy came in, no one would be there to witness it.
I’ll admit that I’m personally paranoid, but being a rather intelligent person, I know enough to analyze the chances that I’m going to get home alive, and I’m reasonable enough. I’m not comfortable on the 6 train alone, but I’m more than happy to take the 1. I spent an hour walking around the Bronx Zoo area of the Bronx with friends, and the adult with us was blocks away. I feel comfortable in ANY situation if I’m with a friend, because I know that in a rare case where one of us is molested and no one listens to us yell, the other can run and get help.
On the other hand, a couple things HAVE happened to me: a guy winked at me on the bus and walked to stand close to me (his breath smelled like weed), I was outside my piano teacher’s house and a guy biked past, mumbled something, then swung back around immediately and started to slow down when he got to me (I ran inside), etc. I took a self-defense class that made me more paranoid because we didn’t talk at all, just fought. So if anyone has anything encouraging to say, that would be appreciated. I can reason it out by myself, but I still don’t like taking the 6 alone, and would love to be comfortable doing that.
Sixteen years ago, when I was 14 years old, I spent a summer in Oslo, Norway, with my parents. When they felt I was ready, they let me take the subway from suburban Oslo to downtown Oslo to spend the day by myself. I had no cell phone and there was no way for them to contact me if they wanted/needed to. I am thankful that my parents allowed me to have learning experiences such as this, and I find it amazing that 14-year-olds today are hardly allowed to walk to school alone.
I’m a 51 year old child-free (smile) woman who has been amazed at the coddling my friends and siblings lavish on their children, particularly including the “never out of their sight” parenting that none of us experienced as children.
The concept that “it’s not as safe out there as it was when we were kids” (in the 1950’s and 1960’s) is simply, statistically, false. The only changes that have happened since we were kids are: (1) more reporting of pedophilia incidents by the victims; and (2) more reporting of the incidents by the media, and in movies and TV shows. So we are more AWARE of the horrible, horrible things that have happened to children, and most parents have opted to make the risk of that happening to THEIR kid equal to zero. And yet, we have children abducted from the safety of their own bedrooms in the dark of night too.
Since I’m not a parent, I’m not in a position to tell anyone how they should raise their kids. But I’m very impressed with those of you who are taking this “Free Range Kids” stand – standing counter to the panic-mavens is very, very brave. And, frankly, when I think about my nieces and nephews, I’m really glad their parents take no risks with them – the thought of one of them being molested or killed makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about the possibility of it. And, because of the way they’ve been raised, the ones under 10 years old are NOT equipped to be wandering off on their own. So bravo to you parents who have raised self-sufficient, confident little ones. They will be our future leaders as all the currently-coddled whine about life in the real world as grownups, I suspect!
I’m grateful that I was able to experience the incredible joy and freedom of riding my bike to the park to meet up with my friends whenever I wanted to. The joyful day of getting out of school for the summer just can’t be the same experience for kids today as it was for me and my peers 35-45 years ago. And I agree with the others that the self-sufficiency we were forced to learn as kids has suited me well for a successful career in business. Good luck to you all.
I’m always suprised at how many new parents are sucked into the vortex of the newest parenting “expert” and the hottest “issue” that they need to beware for their children. I try to have a balanced approach – my kids are only 2 & 4, so I am not quite ready to send them on the subway alone yet! But many of the moms we have playdates with are shocked and amazed at the things we let them do alone.
How do parents think their children will acquire any skills without trying and failing a few times? We survived metal playgrounds, sitting in the “way back” of the station wagon, playing ALONE (shock and awe!) in the yard – or even going spelunking through the woods and neighborhood unattended!
I am probably most protective when it comes to some of the crap food that comes along these days – but even then, I realize a bit of food coloring in a popsicle from the icecream man will not make the kids spontaneously combust;) Really enjoying this site!!
Another good book to point people to is The Power of Play by David Elkind. He makes a very good case for why children need unstructured, adult-free play to have healthy development.
I heard him speak recently. As a parent who does not overschedule her kids, who refuses to buy them video games, who does not currently own a real TV, and who shoos them outside to find some mud to roll in on a daily basis, I asked him “Am I putting my kids at some social disadvantage, due to the fact that they have fewer experiences in common with their peers?” His answer: “Not at all. My best, most interesting (college) students are the ones whose parents did the same thing. They are social, confident, and have no trouble relating to their peers” Vindication!
Hurray!
I have found “my people”
I was born free range…raised free range…and have been an educator for 31 years of both free and bonded children.
14 years ago my daughter’s best friend successfully
escaped two predators “surfing” a school bus waiting for one child to get off. She ran right through the barbed wire at her dairy and the muck…and because these guys don’t like a kid who is too much trouble,
like most criminals, they left….Colleen was too much trouble
She was powerfilled, she told (very important)
She was confident, and creative and believed in herself and her right to be safe…
I go from school to school explaining how children can roam about safely………giving seminars to parents on how to let go after giving their children the tools to use.
Fire fighters tell us to Stop, Drop and Roll if our clothes should ever catch on fire…will this ever be needed?
probably NOT!
So when I go into a school and explain that it is great to go out and play with your buddies, I give them tools of awareness, watch and listen,( a bad adult looks the same as any other stranger) they will probably never need, but if they do, they can also easily (without much effort) be too much trouble for anyone to take, or mess with.
If I could only teach one thing I would tell them to walk with their heads up and keep an eye on what is going on in their world….an aware kid is not an easy target…….
If lost- head (straight, and with purpose) for a cashier, children know where they can be found in any store or mall, and the cashier can call the guardian to come to them…..
I want to stop obesity, I want to stop the hysteria, I want kids to know that, a a child with a plan can be way to scary to mess with….
Since leaving the classroom to follow my passion,
I have taught over 100,000 children and parents…their parents love it and the kids call me the safety lady.
Districts hire me as an outside contractor to deliver my parent seminars and Children’s assemblies.
I have written four books on safety for ages Pre-K-2
3-4 grades, 5-6 grades and Junior High. I also am writing handbooks for parents and teachers. I am hoping to have a publisher this year. I want to sell them as a picture book set.
The plan stays the same, the awareness and strategies
and challenges changes as safety becomes exposure to different situations.
A stranger is not a bad person! You would not believe what some parents have taught their Kindergarteners!
The world is filled with great people and a fun place to be out in.
For the kids (or parents) who need a safety plan I have
provided one……in hopes that all children will be free range again and be way to much trouble for any adult with bad behavior to ever challenge.
For the writer who started this, Kudos! Please visit my website. I believe you are from New York, where I was born…
I rode the subway to the world’s fair in the sixties……
I have raised confident daughters, who have heightened awareness but don’t have a fearfulness of all around them.
Melinda Tripp
Mother
Safety Educator
APE Safety Seminars
I was a free range kid and so are my children. So much so that we began homeschooling them two years ago. The local schools now resemble prisons more than anything else…high fences, cameras everywhere, kids locked in and parents locked out. You actually have to ring a buzzer, get interrogated via speaker (under camera surveillance) before you can even get into where your child is. Enough already! My girls play all over our neighborhood (everyone has at least an acre or two) but are encouraged to stay with a couple of friends as there are 2 trailer parks nearby which are home to the local drug dealers/hookers and pervs. So far the only bad thing to happen was my daughter was bitten by an unknown insect in the woods and is having a terrible reaction to it. Not bad if the only thing they have to fear is bugs…LOL Off to the Dr. for a change in antibiotics.
I think all this concern about child molesters is crazy. I
say go on the list of sex offenders and welcome them
into the neighborhood. Maybe we can send our kids over to help around the house. That way we can prove
that they dont’ really want to abuse our kids. Make sure
when we send the kids over, dress them in bathiing suits or something. Anything that shows alot of skin. That way the accused molesters won’t think we are
deliberately covering our kids’ bodies up in fear of them. This way they will know that we trust them and
maybe the kids will have fun with them.
To me, the whole “stranger danger” thing is over-exaggerated and dangerous for kids. Why? Because I’ve met kids that were so indoctrinated to never talk to strangers that if they became lost, they wouldn’t even talk to a “stranger” to even tell them who their mom was. They didn’t know when it was okay to talk to someone and when they shouldn’t. They couldn’t decide which strangers might be dangerous because they thought ALL strangers were dangerous. These are the kids who run in fear from the security guards in a store when they get lost because a “stranger” is talking to them.
My daughter is 6 now, just finishing 1st grade (she started early). She talks to pretty much everyone. This is scary for me because I’m sort-of introverted and a little anti-social…but as long as she’s with me, she knows she can talk to anyone. When she started to walk in stores instead of staying in the cart or stroller (around 3 years old) we talked about what to do if she got separated from me.
Who should she talk to if mommy is not there? And it became sort of a game, I used to ask her all the time to look at the adults around us and tell me who she would talk to if mommy got lost. We discussed who was most likely to be safe to talk to and drilled “good touch/bad touch” into her head. She learned to tell a store person or any adult she could find to help my name and cell phone number. As she got older, we discussed where in the store to meet if we got separated. Now, she has a cell phone…but the darn thing has been lost or forgotten so many times that we can’t really count on it.
I still get nervous if she wanders away from me. But I bite my tongue and go sit at customer service waiting for her to call or find me. She can do it and it’s important for her to KNOW that she can.
Lenore wrote:
“A movement needs…movement. We need to start changing things, before the next generation of kids grows up without ever experiencing one cartwheel without adult supervision (and a snack).”
…and a helmet, and knee and elbow pads, and only performed on a foam-padded surface with a spotter (or maybe two if the child is big) and followed by concerned questioning by the parent to see if the child is still all right.
BRAVA, Lenore! Great site!
Thank you, Lenore, for bringing this topic to the limelight. I had often wondered about all the “dangers” parents had to guard against in raising their children today. Inwardly, I’d thought parents were becoming a little paranoid and not trusting enough in the capabilities of their children. Or maybe, I just wasn’t aware of just how dangerous the world had really become! LOL!!
I have a 2.5yo daughter and I am encouraging her to climb and descend the stairs in our home by herself. I remind her to hold on to the railing and I will myself not to run out into the landing to watch her. I must admit I’m quite proud of “myself!”
Ah! What feat next!
I was a free-range kid up until 9 years old. The year was 1998, around the time when the news network and Oprah show scares exploded into the mass culture.
I used to walk around my artistic, eclectic home town in the middle of the day so that I could be by myself for an hour, to think about all kinds of things and sing to myself and just LOOK around me; it was great because these were things that I liked to do and did not get the chance to if I was in the house with my four siblings or playing with the neighbor kids! Then one day to my dismay, my young mom (who was only trying to be a “good” parent, like so many are) told me that I was not allowed to take walks by myself anymore because someone “can just come and take you”.
At that time there were no reports of children being abducted in the town, I always walked in broad daylight and never more than a mile away from home, and most of the other people knew us at least from school. So I did not understand why all of a sudden I had something taken away from me that had never gone wrong.
Why did my parent start to think this way, even though she knew before that I had always been safe? Why did she suddenly decide that other people could not be trusted to detect anything suspicious involving a child and an adult in the middle of the day, on the sidewalk? These days, it’s because the TV is louder than the truth you see when you look outside, at the present moment. The media has news flashes; real life does not. But what a lot of parents need to think about more is that the media is not reral life, and it especially not their own real life!
This is all fantastic – thank you for doing your part to bring this nation to it’s senses.
I was hiking with my 10 year old son this past weekend – after a steep climb/crawl up a hill, I offered him a snack…and he declined because he said his hands were dirty. I had to tell him it’s OK to get muddy sometimes – it was very discouraging. Oh well – next weekend we’ll get real dirty just for fun.
[...] I have enjoyed reading her new blog, Free Range Kids, enough so that I included it in my Blogroll (seen at the bottom of my webpage). The comments are interesting, and definitely appear to be polarized. It seems that either a parent supports the idea of Free Range Parenting, or they think it is the equivalent of throwing one’s infant off a 15 story building onto a trampo… [...]
I found this through Lenore’s column in funny times-what a relief to see I’m not the only parent like this! Sometimes I worry I’m endangering my kids by encouraging them to go out and try things on their own. Not any more. Whew!
My advice to the kids was ask a mom with kids or a person working in the store wearing a uniform for help if they needed help. I taught them how to talk to strangers, how to recognize if someone was a bit “off” and what to do. After all, if you’re in trouble, who’s going to help you? The odds a friend comes along right that minute are pretty low so it’s got to be a stranger who helps you get out of the pickle you’re in.
We also practice observing surroundings and paying attention to the way we’re traveling so they create a mental map and can find their way home.
Gavin deBecker has some great books on knowing how to trust your instincts and how to trust yourself to stay out of trouble. They do play to the “But he’ll get kidnapped!” crowd, so you have to ignore that, but taken at face value, he does have good advice.
Something I would suggest that’s invaluable (expensive but worth every penny) is having your kid be an exchange student. Someone else talked about empowerment. This changes your child for the better forever. We went with AFS, (American Field Service) The experience of being in another country and shifting for themselves gives them such empowerment. For the rest of their lives they carry with them the knowledge they were able to accomplish this at 15 or 16. They have host parents and are well supervised, but they have such opportunities for free ranging!
My daughter is finishing her year in New Zealand and has done so much. She is braver and stronger than I ever could have been at 16. Reading her letters, I see what a terrific woman she is growing into. I am so very proud of her.
Hi webmaster!
A couple of years ago a lady (don’t recall her name, sorry) wrote a book entitled “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee”. The book encourages this very idea of ‘free range’ along with a lot of ideas on how to make your child more self reliant. I recommend it.
Oddly enough, my husband forwarded this website to me with the tag-line, “Thought you would really like this.” He’s not quite there yet. We only have a 1-and-a-half year-old so far, but it’s already very clear that she’s going to be very independent, and that he’s going to have a hard time letting her go.
I never knew before that I was raised as a free-range kid. At 9 and 10, my mom let me ride my bike about 8 blocks every day to a very busy supermarket. I would buy an apple and a box of lemonheads with loose change I’d find around the house. My aunt would let me play with fireplace matches as early as three (as long as I didn’t leave the stove). At 12, my best friend and I would take the city bus and spend all afternoon at the mall, or we’d go into the woods behind our apartments and crawl through pitch-black, unused drainage pipes (that was a rush!), with all our parent’s knowledge. At 6, my dad taught me how to safely use a gun and let me shoot oranges at the range (he also kept the gun unloaded and hidden while at home).
I actually think my parent’s free-range spirit may have saved my life on one occasion. The first time she let me stay home alone was when I was eight (none of my friends got to do that that early). She was going to run an errand and asked if I wanted to come or stay home by myself. I opted to stay home. Two hours later, I got a call from my mom’s friend telling me that my mom had been in a car accident and she was going to come pick me up to spend the night. My mom was mildly injured, but had I been in the car, the impact of the hit on the passenger’s side where I would have been would surely have completely crushed me. I was much safer home alone finishing up my spelling words than in the car with my mom that day.
One technique I learned on my own while riding the city bus or hanging at the mall was how to behave around questionable people. As a pre-teen girl, I learned how to look tough. I’d look someone straight in the eyes with a stern glare. No creepy guy ever attempted to approach me because I appeared confident and maybe even mean. Those are instincts you don’t pick up when your parents are hovering over you.
My husband however struggled to free himself from his parents’ hovering so he could go away to college! Most of his younger brothers (there are six boys) have lived at home well into their twenties! Boy will they be shocked when their baby neice moves out before they do!
My biggest fear about the free range thing is not what will happen to my kid (probably nothing) but how on earth he will ever make any friends? It seems like everyone around here is a generation of helicopter parents, and I get the stink eye for being “neglectful”. Hmmm.
gypsy elle
Shooting at 6? LOL; Come on; even the rest of you
free range parents have to be skeptical of that. Let’s
hear how many are for or against a 6 year old with a
gun. I’ll start it off. Uhhhhhh no from me. Let’s hear only from the free range parents. I am just curious how
you folks feel about shooting stuff at 6. Thanks!
My dad bought me a BB gun at 5. By 12 I was running around the neighborhood (suburban/rural), alone and with friends, shooting stuff with my pellet gun. We all knew never to shoot at anyone, and everyone knew basic gun safety (never look down the barrel, always keep the safety on, slide the gun under the fence before climbing it). I really can’t say that all of this was wise, although no one was ever hurt.
I’m now a mom of a 4 year old and of course grandad bought my son a bb gun. It scares me to death! But I’m also sad that he will never be able to do the stuff I did.
annie oakley
Not sure if you are for or against the gun thing. You seem to be on the fence there. I would say this. The other poster was talking about a real gun not a bb gun.
For me, both are two dangerous for a 5 or 6 year old but that’s just me. I live in an urban area anyway and both are illegal. Well, come on. Let’s here from the rest of the free range parents. For or against 6 year old shooting a gun.
Lenore,
Thank you so much for creating another venue for people to discuss this very important issue! My idea is for you to connect, if you haven’t already, with Roger Hart at CUNY. Roger is the head of the Children’s Environmental Research Group , and has been studying the changing nature of childhood and working on play advocacy issues and others for years. There’s a huge worldwide play movement out there that could become even stronger and more visible with the addition of Free Range Kids. Check out Alliance for Childhood, as well. Keep on keepin on!!!
SS
Okay ; cool here is a whole new group of people to way in on the hot button issue of 5 and 6 year olds and
gun usage. Where do these folks stand? Let’s here from Roger Hart and the Children’s Environmental Research Group. He sounds like an expert. I hope we hear from him. Thanks!!!
Oops. Sorry for any confusion. I wasn’t responding to the gun issue, but I hopefully you’ll find his work interesting anyway. take care!
I give my two boys a walkie-talkie when they go to the creek to play, and I keep the other one at home. Just in case they meet up with a mean water moccasin. Alas, that hasn’t happened, though they have seen some water snakes. This makes them happier than you would believe.
We as parents need to rethink how we think about raising children. Creating “free range children” has been my work for the last 15 years, and the biggest problem to creating lasting change in the kids has always been the parents.
So here are some ideas:
-Kill your T.V.
-Kill your internet connection.
-Learn to play music with your kids. Not listen to cd’s, play music.
-Create errands that take the kids outside. ie. see if the blackberries in the vacant lot next door are blooming, how many houses on our block have roses growing in the front yard.
-Get your kids to tell you their story of their adventure, because you already realize that what ever the errand is that you sent them on is secondary to the experience that the kids are having.
-Model this yourself.
-Stop telling your kids “be careful”, and start telling them “be aware”.
Believe it our not humans have a very high degree of inherent competence. Give your kids the chance to succeed, and they will.
I agree though I don’t think you can kill your tv or internet connection. I think they are machines and thus
not really alive. You can disable them. That might be a better word. Good luck!
Disabling them does not make them inactive. I chose killing them very deliberately. We treat our internet and TV as living things. We model our eating, dressing, recreating, thinking etc. off of both of these things. Neither one of which is real. They are both gross abstractions from reality. We have forgotten to unsuspended reality after we watch TV or spend time on the internet, as evidenced by how much TV influences what we do in our lives.
Our urban neighborhood is in the process of turning over from empty nesters to young families and so we’ve had a large increase in the number of kids over the past 5 years. Our biggest issue with sending the kids “out to play” is that since they all go to different schools (magnet programs,etc) spread across the county there hasn’t been a way to get to know each other without some parental manipulation. (and don’t get me started about the excessive amount of homework) Not everyone is that close in proximity and our kids have no idea how to go knock on Billy’s door and ask if he can come out to play. To get the ball rolling, we organized a neighborhood scavenger hunt where each team kicked off at one person’s house and had to visit each team member’s house in their search. They had to work with each other to figure out who had what items and what route to take to get to each house. We made them ride bikes too. We had so many kids interested that we had 3 different groups of about 12 each! For the summer we’re planning to have “bike & breakfast” where we send them off biking together and then have a big breakfast afterward, and “board game mornings” where they’ll meet at one kid’s house to play games before the pools open. Parents’ job is to send them off to the event but NO HOVERING will be allowed! We’re hoping that as they get to know each other better and are familiar with where each kid lives, they’ll get used to the idea of just popping in at a friends “to play.”
Mark,
Ok; I got it now. You meant to kill your TV and internet connection though perhaps killing the computer itself might be better as with the presence
of WiFi networks internet availability might be a concern. Good luck to you!
I was a free range kid and what troubles me most about this new generation is the level of organization that governs kids’ lives. Some of the members of my book club are professors who tell stories about parents following their children to college to discuss grades and track down professors when their students aren’t doing well (much to the embarrassment of the student). Now that is sad. We have to back off if we are to raise kids to independent adulthoods.
I live in a family-friendly neighborhood with a walk or drive-to school (no busing at all). Lots of kids walk, but I’m still amazed at the level of worry in most parents’ minds. The biggest challenge is learning how to relax a little. My kids are 8 and 11 and I plan to let them head to the corner store together this summer (about 8 blocks away). My older one gets to ride her bike around the neighborhood, play at the school, and go to friends’ houses alone. We live in a car-centered town, but now I’m thinking about teaching her to use the bus system (inspired by this blog) to get around this summer. Mostly, I’m just so happy to discover other people feel as I do because I feel like a loner in my beliefs. And I will be so curious to see where this discussion goes because I feel Lenore has tapped into a profound cultural divide that needs to be examined.
We live on a wooded 1.25 acre lot. We give our 4 year old son many opportunities to “travel the trails” by himself. They don’t go very far from the house, but in the summer the leaves hide the trails from view. The “trails” were made by deer. We introduced this when he was 2 yrs old by letting him start on one end of the trail, and then we met him on the other end. Now he cruises around the trails by himself. When his friends come over, he asks them to travel the trails and they are afraid to leave their parents.
I just finished reading the book: Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder
I highly recommend this book.
Sharon
Hi Lenore,
Thanks for putting up the good fight to preserve the inner wildness and autonomy for kids to get out , and experience life. To often we’re pulling the trump card of “safety” without rethinking how culturally we have been misled by “experts” and news pundits touting fear. Thanks for taking the brave step forward and encouraging not only your kids, but the people you come in contact, to break away from an unhealthy conformity to being “safe.”
I am also a teacher at a independent school in Seattle, where we encourage fence climbing and taking some risk. http://preschoolpunks.wordpress.com/category/risky-business/
Best!
Paul
Oh I am so happy to find you! I am DYING here in L.A. where my daughter is one of five children on a very long block of about 18 houses. We are in a neighborhood of old people, by and large. When I moved here, I chose this house partly because the neighbors across the street had a playset on their front lawn. That meant – to me – that I could send my child out to play! I have now come to understand that virtually NO ONE here sends their child out to play. I have been driving around for two years, looking for places where kids play outside, in the street. Who is playing Running Bases? Ringoleavio? SPUD? Where did all the kids go? I am told that a lot of families have left metro LA for the hinterlands of Simi, Santa Clarita, and Conejo valleys. The parks around me are empty all day – I am really saddened by this. It feels like no one likes this park – it is huge! It is pretty much filled with homeless guys during the day. Maybe gang members at night? The other parks around me are filled with people but they are definitely not from the same world – I’ve been scared off by the gang mama arguments. We went back to New York recently, and we noticed the same thing pretty much. Kids aren’t out in the street (cars are a big issue in both places, it appears – but cars have been around for 60 years!), and are not allowed to ride their bikes to school until 3rd grade (what’s UP with THAT???) in some areas, parks in NY are often ‘only for residents’ of that neighborhood. In LA, that would be unheard of. But it is understandable if someone wants to keep their park clean and neat, they don’t want a gang of people throwing trash and tagging the park. Sorry to ramble. I REALLY want to live somewhere where a kid can be a kid, and discover freedom and self-confidence. I am desperate.
Sheila: the bit about kids not being able to ride their bikes to school until third grade almost certainly comes from a fear of lawsuits; schools can be held liable for anything that happens to kids on their way to/from school. And that “anything” is really anything, even minor stuff like scraped knees. Part of the reason that we see all those posts about European kids and their much greater independence is that they live in much less litigious societies (and they also don’t have the kind of car culture that’s necessary for helicopter parenting).
Recently my wife had to go on a business trip out of town for a week, which left me with our two children ages 9 and 11. I work night shift which makes it difficult and expensive to find a sitter who is willing to watch the kids at night. The first three night while she was gone I was able to get a sitter for them, but on the 4th night the sitter called and said that he wouldn’t be able to work which left me in a tough situation; call into work or let my boys stay at home alone for the night.
After carefully weighing the risks, I choose to let them stay at home by themselves. This wasn’t their first time by themselves, and in the past they have always behaved superbly and went out of their way to prove that they where responsible enough to do so. Before leaving for the evening I made sure they had my work number and emergency numbers, knew not to answer the door or leave the house, and that they couldn’t use the stove or other appliances (once a week they cook a simple dinner for the family by themselves, usually something like Mac and Cheese or Hot dogs).
My biggest concern when leaving the house wasn’t a fire, burglary, or kidnapping but whether or not the neighbors would try to turn me in for leaving them unattended overnight if they ever found out, and what my co-workers would think about it. The funny thing is, my kids would be more likely to be molested by a sitter, than to have an emergency while they are alone in bed, asleep.
As a note, my 11 year old is a Boy Scout and this summer he is going camping for a week without me or his mom. While there he could possibly be abused by a malicious adult or youth leader who has unlimited access to him during that time. Yet allowing him to stay at home at night by himself where he is supposed to be the safest is considered to be negligent by many. I read the NSPCC website for the UK where I live now, and they don’t recommend leaving your child home alone at night until they are 16, or even for short periods of time until they are 13. http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/publications/leaflets/homealone_pdf_wdf36243.pdf . Supposedly, because of the mental anguish that it may cause, and unseen dangers in the darkness of the house.
Anyway, my kids survived their first night and tomorrow night they will get to do it again, only this time they will have to get themselves up, ready for school, and make their way to the school bus on time, all on their own.
I think they will do just fine.
My 9 year old son and his friend went around the neighborhood selling kool-aid door to door after school on Friday. They came up with the idea on their own, did the work on their own, and together they made 10 dollars. Afterwards, they even came up with a new business model for their next venture. Not a single parent was involved in the process, and in my opinion, this is the kind of lesson that makes children into successful, well adjusted adults.
I LOVE this site! I was a free range kid and am trying to raise one. He’s 14 and I think my contribution to this discussion is the idea that communication about awareness and safety is key. Not just the “be careful who is interested in what you’re doing” kind of awareness, but also the safety of “climbing a fence to get onto a building to jump into a pool may not be the safest way to play”. Yes, we had that conversation at 14. And then, yes, I did let him leave the house again.
It is amusing to me to read the caveats/qualifiers posters are putting on their descriptions of what they “let” their children do: “he can walk to the local store (8 blocks)” or “they go to friends’ houses (down the street)”.
Clearly even free range parents have some internal mental boundary beyond which it would not be safe to let their children roam.
On another point, Mark’s “kill your tv and internet” comment: the Internet is another area where the fear-mongering is out of control – if you let your kids browse the internet unmonitored, they will be preyed upon by perverts and pedophiles. Or, they will stumble upon pornography. How do the free range parents address “free ranging” the internet? Side note – I think the internet offers a lot of good stuff as well as the dreck, and part of my parental responsibility is to help my kids understand the difference.
It is my conclusion that letting your children have free range depends on what kind of children you have. When my daughter was five she was navigating the elevators in a large hospital all by herself, without my knowledge! With the help of strangers pushing buttons she couldn’t reach she would navigate herself to the juice machine on the previous floor! So, while I was stressing about my son’s health issues, my daughter indoctrinated me into free range parenting.
Living near the National Lake Shore strengthened our free range parenting. By the time our children were in the 5th grade they given the gradual freedom to kayak down Crystal River, sail the boat in Glen Lake, camp in the Dunes, take long runs in the woods, bikes to a friends house, go Moral mushroom hunting, or able to hang out at the beach.
What troubles did they have? My son got lost in a sail boat – could find where he docked!, and a flat tire on a bike.
When in Urban settings they were more than willing to learn how to navigate using mass transit.
Now these children have become citizens of the world and a lover of the wilderness. They have traveled in Europe with a German friend. Currently my daughter is in Chile studying at a University.
So, at the age of five my daughter started to teach me how to be a parent of free range children. Now I have a son that loves the wilderness and a daughter that is a citizen of the world. Being a free range parent has allowed many benefits for my children. no regrets!
Living in the UK we have the same issues with other parents being the main problem when your trying to allow your child to be independent. I have an 8 year old and she loves going out and playing football with her friends in the field behind our house and having the freedom to just be a kid. I can remeber when i was younger living in the welsh valleys I had mountains either side of our house and I would regularly go with a group of kids climbing and making dens and loving being a kid. I hope that my daughter will be able to enjoy the countryside as much as I did growing up.
I love this! I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING ME ‘What did you sign your kid up for this summer? What clases is he going to take?”
Uh, nothing. He is going to go swimming, to the movies, play with his dog etc etc. Downtime, man, downtime. They say “Who is going to take him?” I reply, Mr. Bus and Mr. Legs will take him. The boy can handle himself, he has learned how to do that.
[My summers were spent swimming, biking, reading, walking, goofing off and going to the movies.] : )
They are amazed, and I feel like they think that I am a bad parent. Too bad.
My son has dyslexia and ADD; he has been staying home during when school is not in session since he was 10 years old. He is now14. He takes a ferry with me in the morning to go to a specialized school, he gets on a bus to get to the school, and I get on another bus to get to work. He takes the bus BACK to the ferry dock, rides it, takes the bus home shy of 5 blocks, of which he WALKS. He calls me during the afternoon if there is a problem, he texts me to say “I’ve arrived home.”
He has a swim pass; he has a bus pass …. all set for the summer.
Oh yeah, he has two LONG legs to walk with. We live in a small town; he takes the bus to the park to play BB, to the swimming pool; to the library; to the movies .. I think that you get the pic
LONG LIVE FREE RANGE KIDDOS!
Here is what I do to ensure my child grows up to be a productive member of society:
1) He has to get to the bus stop on his own in the morning as I have to leave for work an hour before the bus comes (the bus stop is across the street)
2) At the grocery store we use the self check out. He scans, looks up the produce and uses my credit card to pay. I stand there. In the beginning the sales clerks would come up to “help” him with the produce codes so he would not have to look them up and I would have to tell them he could manage. Now they just smile and comment on how he is more competent than most adults who keep doing the same thing even though the screen says “error.”
3) He pumps the gas as the gas station. This includes paying for the gas and answering all the questions on the screen.
4) He has a quicken account on his computer. All his money is kept electronically so if he forgets to enter money he has earned it is just as sad as if I forget to turn in my receipts at work for reimbursement.
5) HE COOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we are not talking about heating up a frozen meal, we are talking about real, made from scratch meals. Recently he made garlic pull apart loaf for his Boy Scout Blue and Gold ceremony. Everyone was so impressed with his ability to cook, even the dad who is head chef at the Hyatt. (yes this is messy, sometimes things get burned or turn out horrible and I have to stay out of the kitchen for fear of interjecting but the knowledge he is gaining is invaluable and more than not the food is WONDERFUL)
6) When we fly I follow him. I tell him the airline and he has to find it so we can check in our bags. He then leads the way to the security check and then to the correct terminal. He also must lead us to baggage claim. If he is going the wrong way I keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out, we arrive early to ensure we don’t miss out flight. I got this idea from a pilot.
7) Every summer he flies, alone, to stay with my parents for a week. In the fall he flies to Space Camp, Alone.
* He packs himself for all our trips and Boy Scout camp outs.
9) He washes his own clothes
10) He uses the computer and maps to plan our routes when we go on vacation.
11) He plans our route using the bus and light rail when we go into Denver.
12) When he has a question about something he looks it up on the computer. His research skills are phenomenal!!
13) I ENCOURAGE him to help strangers when he sees they need it. This includes picking up things they have dropped, helping them with the door or luggage and in general just being polite and thoughtful.
HE IS 10 AND CAN FUNCTION JUST FINE.
Most of all I am not running around trying to do EVERYTHING. Because he is so self sufficient we have more time to play together.
Truth is, too many parents do not understand what being a parent means. It does not mean protecting tour children from all the injurious possibilities this world presents, but rather, teaching them how to protect themselves. As I have often said, “allow them to get the little bumps of life, so that they learn how to protect themselves from the big bumps”.
If we protect them from all harm, we become harmful – they do not learn how to look after themselves for when we’re no longer there, they do not develope self esteem, they do not learn to accept responsibility. In short, they do not learn how to become adults, and instead, become 50 or 60 year old children, assumming they are lucky enough to survive that long.
The child who is not taught to cross the street without supervision, does not learn how to ride their bike on the street without supervision; the pre-teen who does not ride their bike on the street without supervision, does not learn to drive their car safely, without supervision; the teen who does not learn to drive their car safely without supervision, drives 60 mph with a load of friends while text-messaging, and ends up sleeping with a marble pillow.
Fantastic! What a great mom (and dad)! I’m so frustrated by the out-of-perspective fear-mongering nowadays, which makes parents and kids afraid to do things with very low risk, and yet they routinely do/allow things which are inherently high risk.
Hi
I was just reading an article about the subway trip on our local new website – ninemsn.com
Anyway… I think I was perhaps 13 years old when on a trip to London to visit the Grandparents I was not ready to leave Hamleys the toy store on Oxford Street. I suggested to my mother I could find my way home – this was winter time when it was dark at 4pm.
To cut a long story short I found my way home safe and sound in time for grandma’s dinner and twenty odd years i’m still here safe and sound. Perhaps it was that little adventure that prompted me to take extended travels further in life – I do not know.
Some people may be shocked by the subway trip today (my grandfather would of been as he was a little upset with my mother for leaving me alone in a strange city) but others like myself say hey – got to learn some day about it all. Perhaps if your son had been left alone at the station with nothing I may feel differently.
One thing I may suggest: lessons on crossing the road – I still forget to look both way. I do always mind the step on the train though.
What an interesting topic………….
My son is 8 and my daughter is 5.
I do give my children a lot more credit than most and give them a bit of free range. I often say to my son ” if you think you can, and stay safe, you may”
But the fine line is easy to cross.
I personally ( not judging you) probably would not of allowed a subway travel, not for the fact that he coudnt handle it. ( he could)
but purely if GOD forbid he injured himself or worse, The rest of the world would say……What were you thinking….. as I might also for the rest of my days.But this is my problem
I do not disagree with your actions what so ever. I’m sure he had a ball, and what a great deal more confident he must feel.
If I were you , my comeback to criticism would be…..
“YOU SHOULD GIVE OUR CHILDREN A LITTLE MORE CREDIT THAN THAT”
happy mothering
Lisa
I can’t believe parents wrap their kids up in cotton wool these days. The amount of danger today is the same as 10, 20, 30 years ago, the only difference is the amount of media attention it gets now, which makes it seem as if it is more dangerous than before.
I raise my four kids to be responsible, confident, and self thinking humans which will benefit not only themselves but their kids and grankids. Remember how great it felt to ride your bike in the park with your friends or go to the shop for bread and milk for mum, well that’s something i encourage my kids to do ( 3 year old an exception of course) and something which they enjoy ,because it makes them feel responsible and grown up enough to help make choices about their enviroment and surrounds.It all starts with baby steps ,and if we don’t start with baby steps they’ll always be babies. Just an opinion.
WOW!! After raising my children as a single parent for around 13 years and teaching them how to ‘do’ things for themselves and ‘think’ independently, I am so pleased to read of others that have done the same (I have often been told I don’t care about my children enough). I agree with others on here that some parents have forgotten/don’t know what being a parent is about. It is to raise our children to be polite, able, self reliant human beings. We do not own them but must be conduits to their adulthood. Let them flow…
I grew up wrapped in cotton wool! It back fired on my parents, and I turned into the teenager from HELL!! Drugs, alcohol, boys, boys, boys. I stopped listening and started experiencing! They didnt know what to do! Suddenly all the things they were trying to protect me from I wanted to know all about, for example my brother and i were not aloud bikes, because heaven forbid we might fall off so i started hanging out the moment there backs were turned with boys who rode motorcyles…DROVE THEM CRAZY!!! My brother who is now 28 is the only one of his friends who cant ride a bike. I’m now (I hope) a mature adult and (I hope) a pretty good mum. The first thing I got my son when he started walking was a bike! He has skate boards and quad bikes, climes trees without a care in the world, he’s not worried about getting his clothes dirty on a sunny summers day like I was, and he’s happy! I was a reclusive kid always scared of geeting in trouble or getting hurt. AND IT SUCKED!!!!! My son is now 8, he rides his bike to school and walks down to the shops to buy a ice cream, (I wasnt aloud to do that until I was 13!…like I said backfired really badly on them!) but dont get me wrong he knows his stranger danger rules and goes with a friend. One thing that is great is how my Dad gets a kick out of how independent he is and how he will not break a part if he falls of his bike. He’s realised what he did, but his actions were out of love and the fear of loosing us, and every parent knows that feeling. It’s about getting a right balance, and thats a ongoing process. I’m 29 and I now find it cute that he rings to make sure I have a way home when I’m out with the girls. They think it’s funny, but thats my Dad I love him, but he drives me crazy!!! LOL
All these well-meaning parents, getting tied up in knots over whether or not they’re being adequate parents…it’s precisely what the gov’t wants, so that we aren’t scrutinizing what IT is doing (and, better yet, so it can throw us into highly-profitable jails, if it sees fit!). Don’t take MY word for it: read http://www.dunwalke.com
Hi Lenore!
I’m trying to get in touch with you, but I’m finding it difficult to get your contact info. I work for Chicago Magazine, and we would like to get an image of you to go along with a quote. If you can get back to me I would really appreciate it!
Thank You,
Jessica
It is about time parents realized that they are not wardens but parents, and to the supermoms – doing it all is not possible.
Common sense is taking over because we all now see we can’t do it all and watch our kids every second. It is better to teach them good skills. And hey, some self defense classes wouldn’t hurt.
What the world does not need is generations of people who were raised to be fearful of the world and other people, it isn’t natural.
I drive out of my neighborhood and there are no people walking or anything anymore, it is like no one is here. It would be great if kids felt safe enough to come out and play.
I found your site through an article in the Irish Times. Brilliant!
Good to know I’m not the only parent that prefers to let children experiment and learn.
(And good to know there are still some Americans with common sense
Hi Ronald, common sense is not so common anymore.
I was a free-range child and now my son is growing up free-range as well. When he was 5 & 6 years old I would let him ride his bike in the street and my neighbors would give me grief about it all the time (we lived on a quiet cul-de-sac with very little traffic and he was well rehearsed on getting out of the road when a car approached). When I tried to explain to my Florida neighbors that I grew up in New York City where we played in the streets all day long they just looked at me in disbelief.
As a home health nurse I make house calls to my patients at various times throughout the day (and night). There are many times during the week that I have to go see a patient and I leave my now 9 year old son home alone for anywhere from one to four hours. Like Izzy, he begged me for the opportunity to be independent “Please Mom, can I stay home alone? Pleeeease, I’ll be fine!” So once again, we practiced how to handle the various emergency situations, and off to work I went, and so far all has gone well.
Whether it’s the way he has been raised or just his innate personality, he is a supremely confident child and is fearless to take on new challenges. If he wakes in the middle of the night and I am not there it is no big deal to him…he usually gets a drink of water and goes back to sleep, knowing that all is right in the world and Mom will be home soon. I might add that he does have his own cell phone, and that we live in a close-knit, blue-collar neighborhood where everyone up and down the block knows everyone and keeps an eye out for each other. It really does take a village.
As a nurse I have seen plenty of patients who were the victims of random crimes and terrible accidents in “safe places” with their family and friends nearby. Of course, I do worry about my son and I would never forgive myself if anything ever happened to him while he was alone.
On the other hand, I refuse to raise a child in fear. I want him to know that most people are good, kind and helpful. I want him to travel the world and see that it is a magical, amazing place at the same time I teach him to use his common sense while exploring it.
I must admit that I have discovered one very dangerous place this year where my son is not safe: His A-rated school where an 8 year brought in a loaded gun that went undiscovered for half the day, and where plenty of knives have been found in backpacks thoughout the year. Which begs the question – Do I need to attend school with my child to keep him safe?
I am so relieved that someone is helping us – in this fear ridden country – to talk about these issues.
At one school my daughter Meg went to in Illinois, they would not let the children go outside to play if the temp was below 32 degrees!!! They might get cold and sick, oh spare me!!!
Meg is 26 now and she was definitely a free range child. When she was ten we moved to a town of 7,000 in Wyoming from a large metro area in IL.
But you know in the city we lived next to fraternity row and she played basketball with those college boys when she as 8 & 9 and those boys were so good to her and protected her.
They could be jerks to their peers but they watched out for her like a little sis!!
One of the things that we let her do was go buy herself a bicycle when she was about 12. The owner called to check to see if it was ok because we gave her a check to buy it with.
Then in high schiool we let her start her own checking account and then later in HS to get a debit card. She was very responsible with it, too. We figured how else would she learn if we did not help her.
She turned out great she teaches in the inner city in LA, shes got guts!!! We need kids with guts to run this country someday!!!
Indians dropping their babies from shrines! Aarron are you freaking kidding me?? Ever heard of traumatic Brain Injury? Ever heard of a broken spine? The strong ones survive? I guess so Wow. I am a fan of free range not stupidity. I guess every now and then the obvious premise has to be restated. USE COMMON SENSE!!
I teach special needs kids aged 12-17 at a public school in Gothenburg, Sweden. When I started here three years ago, all the kids were pretty much kept on a leash and there where no independence worth talking about. Consequently, none of the kids dared to do anything on their own, they were afraid of most things and especially of other kids at the school. To get to the school cafeteria, they had to walk in line, etc. I removed ALL of the safety nets, opened up ALL of the doors, invited ALL of the school staff to our class rooms, spent a few months guiding the kids around school for various activities, they all live nearby so I started taking them to school by public buss and tram. Today? Now they are all over the school, they have made tons of new friends, most of them now have keys to their homes, they transport themselves, they laugh, they have made plans for their future and bring tons of good vibes to the entire school. Not to mention new students! They have started dreaming about jobs and family and careers at an age where most other kids don’t have a clue. Starting this fall they even get their own school budget for pencils and books and such as there is no point in us telling them what they need, they already know that themselves! . What did we add to our daily work to accomplish this? Nothing, we stopped doing things! We now in fact have much more time to do creative and “crazy” things with these kids. Like travel to Spain, USA, China and Belarus. Something that would have been completely impossible just two years ago.
Freedom!
I just turned 16 june 7th and for many years i have done many things for my mom like mow the grass, run into the store to return stuff, and do the food shopping. What makes me mad is the fact that when i return stuff people inspect it then before thay will put money back on bank card they want to see drivers linces so I have to go get my mom who wants to know what has taken so long so she can come in and be done in 1 minute. Then when I go food shopping I have to stand at the meat counter forever (last time I went shopping I stode at the counter 5 MINUTES then gave a look of death to the guy standing there doing nothig he said “oh do you need something?”) then people act shocked when i put in the pin number to the bank card (yes I know my moms pin and have never abused that info). Today I think back a few years ago then look out the window and wonder where are all the kids it is the 4th of july. Somthing very strang is happening in my new town I see no kids mowing grasslook out the window there are kids 10 and12 years old being picked up at the bus stop by mommy then walking home that long five house walk home some even being picked up in suv”s to go around the corner. Now this would not be so bad if not for the fact that we are no more than 1/2 mile from elem school. when i was in elem school in the next school districe over i would walk to school that long 1/4 mile by myself only trouble I got into was crossing where my street met the school grounds (instead of going out of my way to use crossing gaurd up the street) then walking (on the sidewalk) up to school, that saved me two blocks of walkingthen I was told never to do the aging because I could have been hit by a bus or car. I mean really it is okay for a 6th grader and not a 5th just because the schools next door but one is middle and orther is emel. My point in all this is why do all adult treat all kids the same some store clerks treat me like I’m 2 years old, and after reading on this site i know why because most 16 year old girl are still dumb babys. I thank my mom for being a single parent giving me the abilty to act older than most 18 year olds for giving me a key at age 9 so i could walk home let myself in call to say i was home then do my homework and have a snack. For telling me at age 6 to go get my bike and make some friends. and for taking me to work with her on building sites to work with and be the boss of people that work for her when I WAS 10. I now know spanish, by the way it is a cleaning bussines. And I know everyone on site from superintedent to landscaper, even walk with manament when it comes time for walk thour, them painters are my best friends (they are illeagle alines).
sorry got cut off. Soon to be legle with my moms help.
Ashley
FREE RANGE
My parents raised me with a few simple rules:
1. Don’t bring home anything you have to feed or cure.
Well, that was it, really. There were more tongue-in-cheek ones, like “Don’t get married, never have kids,” and “Question everything, take no shit.” But I think that was about the core of it. Stick with the basics.
Some good thoughts on the value of the outdoors and California and other gov’t agencies efforts to increase time outdoors on page 4 of this newsletter: http://www.fws.gov/desfbay/pdf/Tidelines/tideline%20summer08-C.pdf
allowing your children a little freedom to play outside or walk to school is great practice the SCARIEST thing you will ever do……teach your teen to drive.
Just discovered your site (via Mary Beth Hicks column). Find it delightful. I grew up in a city and was allowed to roam freely. My four boys generally roam about our area (Washington DC), eldest two often prefer to get to school alone. I wanted to let you know of a delightful place in St. Louis called the City Museum. My sister (who also has four boys) and I walked in and the 8 kids immediately disappeared up a metal climbing tube. The entire museum embraces free exploration with children making their own decisions. Seems right up your alley so I thought I’d let you know about it. Check out the photo tour at citymuseum.org. Thanks for your writing. It’s wonderfully refreshing.
I have loved reading all these stories. I too am a free range mum, only problem is that my husband is not a free range dad.
I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Any ideas on this one ?????
I want to let my 8 year old daughter grow up with some freedom like I had as a child. When I was in 4th grade (10) I started riding my bike to friends houses including crossing a main roan. When I was 12-13 I would take the bus downtown Brussesl (Belgium) to see movies. My question is in today’s hyper society what is legal? I don’t want to let my 8 year old child wait for me in the car while I pop into the drug store and come back to find out that I am being arrested for child endangerment. Or let her stay home alone for 30 minutes while I run to the store — and someone finds out because there is some sort of problem and have her taken away by social services. I couldn’t find anything in the laws of my state (RI) about what age it was legal to leave a child alone. Any ideas?
We are on the right track, but you will be hearing the criticism from now on. My children are 11, 14 and 17. We hear it from friends for requiring the 17 year old to pay insurance on his car and work part time. We get a lot of grief for allowing our 14 year to take his bike where ever he needs to go. (one mom thinks I just don’t like to drive him around). I also hear it for allowing our 11 year old daught to walk 4 blocks to school each day! This is how children learn to be responsible problem solvers – by taking responsibility and solving problems.
I just wanted to bring an interesting article to your attention.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2008/aug/03/schools.children?gusrc=rss&feed=science
I saw Lenore’s appearance on a Penn & Teller: Bull….! special. I have a 4 year old son, and I DON’T want to wrap him in cotton wool. I have quite a bit of anxiety to work through, so that it does not happen.
I am so relieved to find this site. I’m hoping that some “mentality” will rub off on me!
Thanks so much for your site!
I wanted to add:
When my son was 3 years old, I took him to the doctor for a bout of conjunctivitis (pink eye). I didn’t see his regular doctor, I saw an on-call doctor in the same practice.
She commented on how small his file was, compared to other kids his age, and asked if he was exceptionally healthy, to which I replied: “No, I just don’t run in here every time he sneezes.”
And she congratulated me.
Another instance: A friend and I were walking through a mall with my son, who was almost 3 at the time. A cookie store was giving out little samples of their chocolate chip cookie, stuck on a toothpick. He got the last one.
Unfortunately, as we turned and left the store, the piece of cookie fell off the toothpick, onto the floor. Knowing if I threw it away, he would be a sobbing mess, I quickly whispered to him “Quick, pick it up, pick it up”. He did, and started eating it, happily.
An elderly woman came running up to me, “Excuse me, he dropped that on the floor!”… Like it was going to KILL him!
I played dumb – “Oh, really? I didn’t see…”
Needless to say, he didn’t get sick.
Nothing like boosting the immune system…
I am a teacher in Wales, and although I don’t have my own children yet, I teach five year olds. In Wales the government has just implemented a new curriculum to help address the ‘free range children’ issue. It’s called the Foundation Phase and helps children aged 3-7 to ‘learn through doing’ as well as by taking calculated risks. All the evidence so far shows that children are happier, healthier and are more ready to apply what they learn to more traditionally academic subjects. As their teacher I have to deal with parents who feel I shouldn’t let their child take the dinner money bag to the school office on their own etc but now at least I have the Welsh Assembly Government backing my judgement. It certainly feels the right way for a child to learn but it is a pity that it is still such a small part of many children’s lives.
Hey I just saw you on Penn & Teller and loved what you had to say. I was born in 1980 and spent many years during my childhood arguing to my mother (born 1952) that my generation wasn’t that different from hers, even though she was convinced that something had changed in the 28 years that elapsed from her birth to mine. She went grew up through the cold war, Vietnam, race riots, the assassinations of JFK, MLK & RFK but somehow my generation was the selfish one who was living in constant danger from strangers on every corner.
That episode put a lot of what I’ve felt into one place. The world has never been safer for kids but thanks to the mass media people think we are living in Rowandia. I think my last straw was when I was working (I’m a bartender) and one of my bar regulars (a middle aged dude who stops by after work most days) tried to claim that the 1980s was the last era when sex and drugs were safe. He came of age in South Florida during the 1980s in the age when it was ground zero for cocaine smuggling, parties, spring break, sex, drugs and rock & roll. That’s fine, glad he had fun; but how in the HELL are you going to claim that you were living in a safe era. Statistically speaking the 70s and 80s were the most dangerous times in the modern era and once the people from that era start claiming that they lived in a safe time and the current generation does not that’s when I can’t help but call BULLSHIT!!!!!! Children of the 1950s saying that about us 1980s kids I could ALMOST believe, but children of the 80s calling it on children of the 2000s I just don’t believe, the evidence is just not there.
Me and some friends were at the beach today and played Frisbee in the ocean. It was 3 guys and 4 girls so it wasn’t even that we looked like a bunch of dangerous guys. We were playing and a little boy got near our frisbee and we played with him. We threw it to him, he tried to throw it back and we tried to coach him in how to throw it better. His Mom comes over trying to coach him back to him and his little kid friends over on the other side of the beach. I hope that she was worrying about us, as we’re a bunch of 20-somethings who don’t have kids; and she was just thinking we might not want a rug rat hanging around. We didn’t mind him at all but I fear that she was actually worried about her little boy playing with some older strangers, even though it was a mixed gender group who was having fun.
I just watched the Penn & Teller Bullshit episode and they showed some kids on a swing set. I’m 28 & I can’t even remember the last time I was on a swing. It’s 3:45 AM and I’m going to hit my apt complex’s playground and do some swinging. Ironically it’s about the only time of day when I won’t be labeled a predator as I hope all of the local kids are in bed.
Oops never mind. I walked to the playground in order to be the drunk 28 year old on the swings and guess what????? The playground doesn’t have any swings. I mean come on now. The quintessential childhood playground idem. They don’t have it. It’s all rounded corners and a BS jungle gym. What in the hell happened?!?!?!?! In my day, and everyone else’s day we used to climb trees and swing from ropes that we hung from them. These days it would be child endangerment.
My experience with middle suburban neighborhoods is that parents won’t even let their kids walk one block away from school.
Only San Francisco has public transportation as good as New York. The rest of the state including L.A. and San Diego are all about having a car. I realized children die from car accidents (1/8000) more than children getting abducted. Suburban parents driving their SUVs to drop off their kids can put other kids around the area in danger due to the huge size and morning rush to work right after. That’s why many people volunteer to hold a stop signs to make sure the parents rushing to work won’t run over a small kid. I feel more in danger crossing the street in areas more friendly to drivers than walkers and bikers. I know when crossing a stop sign, I would create impatience for a car waiting till I fully cross the road. My mom felt like a horrible mother to our family because she let me take the bus if I wanted to go out. This was at age 12.
It seems people don’t know how the run life w/o cellphones nowadays. People can’t even read maps anymore do to the invention of internet maps and GPS navigators in cars and cellphones. I remember people were able to find their way through a road map and used a pay phone to contact a family member. If you knew a friend was at a restaurant, you would look it up in a phone book and call the restaurant.
I learned there may be bad people around you, but there is always good. The suburbs use to be known for a small community of neighbors throwing block parties getting everyone on the area to socialize. Nowadays parents and kids can live in a house for a decade, and the only contact they have with their next door neighbor is hello and goodbye if they park their car outside the garage.
The stranger danger movement is promoting fear of the unknown rather than knowing basic judgment of a complete stranger. It’s obvious to avoid a group of kids wearing the same clothes(I’m not talking about little league uniforms). When you see a 6 year old kid lost in the mall in the suburbs, the child will just stand in one place and cry not asking for help. Then there would be a slim chance if a person seeing the child would ask what’s wrong. But by the time the child’s parent is present, they will tell the stranger to “stay away from my child.”
I totally agree with Lenore’s statement about cable TV. Every week there is headline news of abused or abducted children around the country. My Dad gave me a lecture when I was 7 about a girl in the Midwest that was killed by a man then he left her body in the freeway. It never applied to me because I live in CA. You see shows like Nancy Grace talking about abused children and news segments on “To Catch a Predator.” I think the only safe precaution is not to walk alone at night.
For my whole conclusion, I believe in child development versus child imprisonment. Parents nowadays might as well put an ankle bracelet on their kids that triggers an alarm after they pass the door. A child should learn such a task of knowing there way home through a subway, bus, or familiar route. I see a bigger danger when a child loses their way. There are many old fashion techniques that should never be forgotten. There are pay phones that only require coins or a phone card(these come in handy). Road maps that can be solved through solved through logic instead of always depending on a map website for directions(sometime they may be inaccurate to the destination.) Reading the time from a face than a digital clock in your cellphone(face clocks can give a great perspective in trigonometry). There are so many things we take for granted. Try not to let them go.
Check out http://tinkeringschool.com/blog/. This guy thinks kids should play with fire, run with scissors, and build dangerous things.
Yea for him and his students!
My 18 month old son ran down the middle of the street last week. I could have grabbed him and yelled no, but I walked behind him, looking for cars and other dangerous in our suburban neighborhood. As he got to the next street, he made a sudden turn, ran up on the front porch of the neighbor behind us (our yards connect), and knocked on the front door until the mom of the 1 year old that lives there opened the door. Then he went in and played with the boy and his new birthday toys.
I let him run down the middle of the street. And yes, there were cars. But more importantly, I didn’t stop him and I wasn’t close enough to make him think that I was going to protect him. And by doing so, I learned that he is a lot smarter than I thought and has pretty good abilities for a kid his age. Sure, I’m going to watch him like a hawk. But I’m gonna let him find out the stove is hot too – on his own. And by doing so, I’m going to learn how much I can trust him.
When I was eleven my Mom let me visit my aunt by myself. This wasn’t just a walk around the block. We live in the Netherlands (yes in Europe) and my aunt lives in Los Angeles. So my visit required a trans-atlantic flight.
I was handed over to a stewardess on the airport in Amsterdam, she took me to the plane. There I was put in my seat and during the 9 hour flight, I was checked on regularly. When we arrived in Los Angeles I was again escorted by a stewardess, who handed me over to my aunt. And you know what? It was great!
I loved it and I felt really proud in being able to manage that. It was great for my self confidence and self reliance. I had to manage in a foreign language (english obviousily not being my mother tongue) and deal with strangers (the stewardesses and other passengers) all by myself. It was one of the best lessons I ever had.
Then when I was 15, I made the same trip again. This time without adult supervision and escorting my 12 year old sister. It was a great adventure. On the journey back our original flight was cancelled,so we had to detour along 2 different airports (one in the US and one in Germany). But at least my previous travels gave me the confidence to go through with it. Even now (I’m 24) I’m reaping the benefits of my moms free range attitude and I’m extremely grateful to her.
I’m not suggesting everyone should send there kids on transatlantic flights at 11, but a walk alone around the block or playing by themselves in the yard should definitely be part of growing up.
It is so wonderful to have so many people thinking about free range kids.
There’s a great documentary on the “free range” curriculum of The Free School in albany, ny here:
http://freeschoolmovie.com/menu1.htm
enjoy.
My son is not quite 3, so needless to say, he’s not ready to walk to school on his own, I try to give him time to walk and explore.
He’s pretty good on his bike, and I have to jog to keep up with him. A couple times a week, we take off through the neighborhood, and I let HIM take the lead and decide which way to go while I jog alongside, stepping in now and then to make sure that he waits for cars to stop at intersections. It’s lots of fun, he gets to explore his world, and we both get great exercise.
We’re also fortunate to have a big playground and I just let him do what he wants to there as well. At 2, he completely mastered playground equipment that is labeled 5 and up. At first I was right underneath ready to catch him – and had to once or twice – but now that he’s demonstrated his climbing skills I can back off a bit.
My son has amazed me with his ability to recognize his own limitations in terms of his physical ability – time and time again I’ve seen him look at a particular piece of equipment that’s a little more challenging, think about it, and then turn away. A part of this is his personality, but I think that giving him an opportunity to explore at an early age has also helped.
Gever Tulley’s talk on “5 dangerous things you should let your kids do” from the TED conference is right in line with the idea of “free-range kids”. My parents followed a lot of these principles (whether they knew it or not) because they were interested in raising smart, independent kids. I like to think it worked out well.
I work, so my 3 kids (12,10 and
walk home together every day after school and “watch each other” for an hour or so until I get home from work. In that time they have a snack and start their homework. I have to say that in the time they have been doing this I have not had one reason to worry. I believe that kids need responsibility in order to begin to trust themselves and their ablility to navigate the world around them. If the adults in their lives continually hover and worry and refuse to allow the child any independence, the child will internalize the adults anxiety and take on a frightened, unempowered view of themselves and the world. Conversly, give children some independence and a little reponsibility and they will most likely meet the challenge and will gain confidence in their own ablility to keep themselves safe and to begin navigating the world around them. Giving children more and more independence and responsibility is a necessary part of their development, deny them independence and responsibility and they will not grow. They will stay dependent, helpless children.
I agree
I find this movement interesting and am happy to discover it. I grew up free-range, doing things at age six that my kids aren’t doing at age 11. That’s not right and I’m changing that.
At age 12 my parents were even “crazy enough” to let me and two friends go camping at a nearby (10 miles away) state park. They drove us there and left the car so that the site at least looked like it had an adult. We camped for four days and did everything on our own. Including nursing my painfully skinned knee so that we wouldn’t have to go home early. The toughest thing the first year was food rationing so we didn’t run out of the good stuff on the second day! We did this from age 12-15, then at age 16 with driving licenses we went across the state alone for our annual trip which would also be a stretch for modern parents.
I look at free-ranging as part of a larger problem. That children are treated as children until 18 years old and sometimes longer! A few generations ago a 12 year old would be expected to be pretty self-sufficient and carry some share of the family burden. My mother-in-law did as much, essentially raising her two younger brothers when the burdens of supporting the family consumed all of her parents time. Times and conditions are different for my family but I’d like my 12 year old to have the skills and confidence to do that. I’d like my kids to arrive at age 18 with experience and independence that will serve them for life.
-Eric
I just posted this in the For/Against section but realized that it perhaps is more appropriate here.
Here’s an astonishing thought which came to me as I was hovering near sleep this morning – but what if the radical change in the way children are being raised over the past 10 to 15 years is actually a signficant factor in the rise in school shootings/youth violence over the same time period? That the stunted social development and serious social disconnect that young children/teens today are experiencing is because of our hyper obsessive over-protective parenting? Perhaps their anger is primarily about a complete lack of control over their own lives – because they are never allowed to make decisions for themselves. That in our effort to keep them absolutely 100% safe by not letting them do anything we are actually the main source of the problem?!
Has anyone studied this possibility? Are there any psychologists out there reading this who could provide insight/reference to research.
If it’s true, then this could be the most persuasive argument we can find for getting the general populance to give their kids the freedom to grow independently…
One idea I have is to stand up to the overvigilant moms at our schools. One mom sent email around to a bunch of other parents, saying that “We need to get them to remove the parallel bars in the playground. They are right at head level. In the past 2 years I have seen 3 kids run into them, and one needed stitches. This is too dangerous…” and on and on.
I wrote back to her (and cc’d the principal) saying:
-There are over 700 kids at this school. 3 bumps in 2 years is not a rash of injuries.
-Accidents happen. If we start taking everything out that someone might get hurt on, there will be nothing left.
-Some kids (like mine) are short, and cannot reach the higher parallel bars, and would like to be able to play on the playground as well.
She responded with some “We’ll have to agree to disagree” line. But I wanted her, and the principal, to know that not every parent thinks this way, and maybe she is over reacting. Not sure if I made any headway with her, but I won’t stay silent while the paranoid moms bubble wrap my kids’ childhood.
You rock, mom.
Interesting facts.I have bookmarked this site. stephanazs
Great Thoughts… we need to help our kids become more (not less) resilient and resourceful or they will never be able to interact with or survive in the global environment. Check out this video http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/gever_tulley_on_5_dangerous_things_for_kids.html for some cool thoughts that mesh with this movement.
DAPoad
I was just poking around and found this site. I raise my kids in a free range way but never realized it until now. Parenting is exhausting enough without the unnecessary over-vigilance!!
I believe in teaching my kids skills to play and do their own thing at an early age. At 5 & 6 they are both avid skateboarders, swimmers and mountain bikers and have been for a couple of years. My sister and I came up with a way to teach kids to ride bikes that is safer and faster for them to learn at an earlier age!
I say, get them out there doing their own thing! They will be more self sufficient adults and will probably lead others in the long run!
Rebecca
http://www.bike-buddy.com
I have a 14-month-old and I wobble between hovering and letting him be out of my sight. It’s really hard to step back and let him gain self-confidence (and for me to develop trust) when I’m very aware that those around me are likely to think I’m neglecting him.
My son likes to play by himself at this young age. He will sometimes go off and play alone for up to 30 minutes, occasionally even closing his bedroom door. I know he needs me if he starts wailing at the door; I know he wants me if he knocks on the door (since I always knock on the door before I open it). I’ve taken him into the front yard and let him crawl about on the sidewalk and driveway and even be out of eyesight for a while around a corner of the house. It’s more so I can learn to trust that he’ll be okay, but he’s also gaining such confidence and is able to play peaceably on his own and explore things by himself.
Today we were in a hospital waiting room and he had no problem crawling across the room and playing around and under the furniture, sometimes out of my line of vision but knowing I was there. He wasn’t roaming in a wild screaming maniac kind of way – just in a happy exploring child kind of way. When I said “no” in a gentle voice, he stopped what he was doing and moved on to something else, and smiled so sweetly at the people around him. Okay, so I brag. And when he gets further along as a toddler he’ll likely be a dervish. But he’s remarkably easy-going, social, and bright, and I think being able to entertain himself at this early age bodes well for his ability to master self-direction as he gets older. If only I can not worry about some random hyperventilating “concerned citizen” who might report me for child neglect.
I LOVED THE SHOW TODAY. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD HEARD OF THE WEB SITE. I GREW UP THE OLD FASHION WAY, IM ONLY 28 YEARS OLD, BUT MY MOM HAS BEEN SICK SINCE I WAS 10 AND MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS 5 SO I HAD TO GET A START ON LIFE EARLY. I STARTED WORKING AT A CONVIENT STORE STOCKING COOLERS AND SHELVES WHEN I WAS 11 TO HELP PAY BILLS. MY MOM WAS ALWAYS SICK OR IN THE HOSPITAL SO I HAD FREE RANGE. I THINK THATS WHY I TRY TO LET MY KIDS HAVE A LITTLE FREEDOM. I HAVE 4 BEAUTIFULL KIDS. IHAVE BEEN SEPERATED FROM THEIR MOM FOR TWO YEARS NOW. I GET MY KIDS EVERY WEEK END AND DURING SUMMER. THERE MOM LIVES IN THE IN THE SMALL TOWN OF BELHAVEN NC SO THERE IS LITTLE FOR THE KIDS TO DO THERE ESPECIALY WITH LITTLE MONEY. I LIVE IN GREENVILLE NC SO WHEN THE KIDS COME THEY GET TO GO TO THE MALL AND STUFF . A LITTLE MORE FREEDOM THAN WHEN THEY ARE WITH THEIR MOM. I WANT MY KIDS TO BE ABLE TO FEAL WHAT REAL LIFE IS ABOUT. I HAVE 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, THEIR AGES ARE 10, 9, 8. I HAVE A LITTLE BOY WHO WILL BE 5 ON OCTOBER THE 8TH. ELISABETH , KAYLA, ELLEN ,AND MARK JR. IF ANY ONE ACTULY READS THIS THIS YEAR HAS BEEN PREETY ROUGH FINACIALY FOR ME AND THEIR MOM, IM PRETY WORIED ABOUT CHRISTMAS FOR THE KIDS AND BILLS, MINE AND HERS. I GOT LAYED OFF AND SHE ONLY MAKES MINIMUM WAGE. ALL THE MONEY I GET GOES TO HER TO HELP WITH THE KIDS, IT SEEMS LIKE NEITHER ONE OF US CAN CATCH UP.IF ANY ONE MIGHT COULD HELP US WITH CHRISTMAS, FOOD OR BILLS PLEASE CONTACT MARK DENNING AT (252)364- 2481OR EMAIL TO mark.denning80@yahoo.com. THANK YOU
It’s so nice to know that other parents out there are giving their children the freedom to play and grow up as normal kids. Two weeks ago my next door neighbor with a son the same age as mine informed me that she wants a phone call from now on whenever my little boy wants to play. I had been allowing my son to go over and knock on the door and ask her son if he could play. We live in a very safe neighborhood where neighbors know each other well. My neighbor now wants advance notice and arranged times for “playdates”. This saddens me because it takes the spontaneity and fun out of neighbor friendships and takes the fun away from the boys when serendipitous playtimes are able to happen. Our other next neighbor has been a great role model by raising four very nice free range children between the ages of 5 and 15. Our kids have been knocking on each other’s doors to play together for almost 9 years now and it’s always worked out so nicely to not have to have the parents arrange playtimes. It’s freedom for my children and freedom for me when the kids go off and play for hours at a time. I love discovering a term for this. Thanks!
I’m SOOO glad I found this website (thanks Dr Phil!). Some of my neighbors think I’m crazy. We live in a very low-crime (OK, almost no-crime) area in an afluent city. Helicoptor moms are >everywhereallowed< to ride bikes. And they can’t walk, either, unless they live in the subdivision across the field in back of the school. Apparently crossing 2 country roads is a big no-no. They won’t even consider crossing guards! So now I’m leading the fight… yes, I’ve spent the last 2 months fighting so my son can simply walk or ride 1/2 mile to school! At the last PTO meeting, it was announced that the school is getting bike racks in a couple months. Still no crossing guards, but we were told that the kids can walk home if there’s an adult meeting them at the school door (they release the kids to the bus, to the ‘walkers’ door in back of school, or to the carpool parking lot). It’s a step forward… but I still can’t wait for him to ride/walk by himself.
Here’s an idea! Let your kids get dirty and don’t lose your mind when they eat a booger, a worm, or a candy dropped in the dirt every now and then
There is some reseach to suggest that being a hyper-vigilant clean freak, using all the antibacterial soaps, creams, lotions, hand sanitizers and air purifiers at our disposal – is actually the root cause of the increase in eczema, allergies, asthma, and other immune disorders.
Children *need* to come into contact with bugs, germs, parasites and microbes to stimulate their immune systems, and sanitizing them and their surroundings is actually doing a disservice to their health.
I’m happy to say that m four children were always freerange. They ate dirt, and didn’t die. Caught polliwogs and didn’t drown in the pond. Built forts in the woods and didn’t nail their fingers down. Invented all kinds of winter contraptions to use in the snow that would make Evil Knieval wince…..and are still around to tell the tales.
I can’t count the sheer amount of snacks dropped in the dirt, boogers, dirt, grass, and bugs that have collectively gone into the mouths of my four kids – but I can tell you there isn’t an allergy amongst them and none suffers from eczema or asthma either.
Moms, stop hovering – they’ll be fine.
REALLY!!!
Okay – in reference to what wrote above, in case anyone doesn’t believe me. Here’s a quote from the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology,
“The number of people with asthma increased by 75% from 1980 to 1994. From 1985 to 2000, the number of people with some kind of allergy doubled.”
And a link to an article that probably explain it better than I did
http://www.realage.com/parentingcenter/articles.aspx?aid=10326
As my parents taught me, I teach my children. In this economy our kids will have nothing left. I started my kids at the age of 9 to be entrepeneurs. I have showed my daughter how to build an e commerce business even though she is still in college. I taught her that even though she is successful she still needed to experience college lige but now when she graduates she will have a choice instead of bveing forced to get a job.
I grew up in a very open, “free range” environment. We were allowed to take the city bus, my sister and I, when we were in 2nd and 3rd grade to the local mall to go to the Cheese Barrell for a special slice of cheese and the arcade. It seemed absolutely natural to us. I have vivid memories of this, and nobody on the bus treated us like we were doing anything out of the ordinary. We were capable, and very responsible kids, so maybe we were the exception? Nonetheless, we had tons of “free range” opportunities growing up and we both grew up to be very independant and confident women. Now I have an almost-5-year-old son of my own, and I have been getting FLACK bigtime for some things that seem awfully benign to me. We moved into a tiny little neighborhood that is a loop street. No access anywhere else, just a loop. One of those “instant neighborhoods” if you will, where all the houses are 6 feet apart from each other. TONS of families live here and there is a playground right across the street from our house. I actually received a letter the other day from the Homeowner’s Association expressing their concerns and complaints that a “young child has been playing outside unattended”. ??!!!! Our house is on the corner of the street and as a Stay At Home Mommy, we’ve become the kid hub of the neighborhood. At any point we have 4-8 kids running in and out playing here. I have met only two of those same kid’s parents. Complaints about my child playing in the street. But no other parent received a letter other than me. I’m figuring it is because he is the youngest in the neighborhood that is allowed to go out and play with all the other kids. He is a good kid, knows all the stranger-danger rules, doesn’t stray off the loop, stays with the other kids, doesn’t go in anyone’s house except his next door friend’s house. Isn’t vandalizing the street. I don’t get why the big deal is! There are lots of kids that I never even see on our street…the parents don’t ever let them outside unless they are literally by their side. It is ridiculous. I guess I’m wondering what other Free Range Moms think about letting a 5 year old run with the neighborhood group of kids riding bikes and playing fun outdoor games. And also…does anyone else think that the “no going up the slide” rule is the most stupid rule you’ve ever heard? I have never heard of a serious injury from kids going up the slide while another is going down. You should see the evil eyes I get at the playground when I let my son go up the slide….even when nobody is at the top trying to come down!
Woohoo:-) I’m so excited that there are other kids that are “free range”
I’ve been like that for a while:) My son is 6, and does a lot by himself–AT our farm he’s all over the place..I have wanted to get him a cell phone, but just b/c when we’re leaving and HAVE to go somewhere I can’t find him:) Not to be loco though:) He milks cows with our hired man…how they communicate is beyond me, but they do…he feeds calves. The other day he was riding his bike and I was ready to go home (we live about 10miles from our farm…). I went in the hay barn and he was 20′ in the air on top of the hay with 3 men loading a trailer. I asked, “are you in the way” and the one guy said “he’s hired”….he was keeping up with them & 60lb bales.
At home I’m a little psycho…jsut b/c our neighbor kid and a bad kid across the street play with BB rifles, and have aimed and shot into our backyard….that’s a direct issue. Luckily it’s only broken glass so far…but I will call him in when they are playing w/the guns…
I don’t let him play out front either (about 15′ to the road) b/c of the road and there are 3 child molesters w/i a 1/2mile…and one not registered (don’t know the details) directly across the street.
I don’t let him ride his bike here, w/o me, b/c he’s 6 and we’re on a busy road (it’s 30mph here, but 2/10mile down the road its 55…)…lots of truck traffic…lots of cars.
He is deaf, wears hearing aids, but sometimes with his helmet on he doesn’t hear the quieter cars…
He does plenty by himself…and his teachers have always said how good he is at adjusting to new situations and working independently.
YeaH for free range kids!
I just think this is all kind of silly. I believe that each child is different, and good parents will treat each child as the unique individual they are. Some kids need more supervision, some dont because they are more responsible. It’s silly that we have to devote a catchy name to this “style” of parenting. It’s just the same old kind of parenting that people have been doing for generations. Just like the so called “helicopter” parents.
If you want to be a good parent, then parent your own child, each one individually, according to their personality and abilities. It’s as simple as that.
Cindy,
You are so right. How can people think there is some cookie cutter way or ” movement” that works for all kids. The child, the parent, where they live are all factors and as long as the parent has the childs best interest at heart ( and I for one think that the vast majority of parents do) then they should follow their own gut. Parents know their kids better than anyone. Not all kids can do what other kids can do. My son is autistic and his challenges are very real and we deal with them together. I am sure I am not the only parent that approaches their child in this way whether their child is a “special needs” child or not. I think the real problem I see on this board is parents judging each other’s parenting styles. It’s something people are passionate about as they should be. Maybe people should be a little less judgemental and respect each parent’s approach to raising THEIR child. That goes for both “free rangers” and ” helicopters”. Good luck to all the parents and kids!
The dangers out there are not completely unlikely or implausible. Every parent missing a child did not think it would happen to them. I had a close friend in high school taken from her front porch doing homework after school. If as a parent you feel that keeping an eye on children may help keep them safe then by all means watch your kids. Children cannot assess a dangerous situation in most cases nor are they able to respond appropriately. I give my kids freedom. The freedom to run around in the yard while I watch from the porch. And they have the freedom to go on nature walks with their father or I.
Joe and Cindy, I respectfully disagree. It isn’t the way “it’s always been”. The cultural level of paranoia is far higher today than ever before. Children are becoming obese due to too much indoor time. On TV there are all kinds of scare programs, fiction and non, about violence towards children, especially sexual abuse. Open a parenting mag and see all the fretful safety and health tips.
The pendulum has swung over into the paranoid and overprotective.
Joe, I don’t think anyone is saying everything must be cookie-cutter. A child with special needs may not be where his chronologically aged peers are, and I would certainly never judge. In fact, the age number has far less to do with anything. It’s about the child’s abilities and maturity level. There’s plenty I don’t think my son is ready for, but it doesn’t mean I am a “helicopter”, though. I am just cognizant of my son’s limitations now. But in the future, I will reassess what I let him do. When I say my son isn’t ready for something, it isn’t born out of irrational fear or manipulated statistics. It’s just that he isn’t ready.
And free rangers still worry about their kids, especially when they reach a new level of independence (like learning to ride a bike). But we know not to let these emotions take over and stop our child from learning the basics of childhood. Forbid the bike, keep him inside: all to make myself feel better because I don’t have to worry (my SIL did this very thing, btw)? No. I grin and bear it, and send him on his way.
Jennifer,
Thanks for your respectful reply. We can’t all agree on everything. That is just life. I did not post that
things are the way “it’s always been”. Certainly, things are always changing. As far as the culture of paranioa, I can see your points. For my part, I find it pretty easy to ignore such things and concentrate on my son. Perhaps I am just working on that and don’t pay much attention to some of the wild things that get blown out of proportion. Maybe I am just having too much fun with him! He’s a great kid. I, honestly, don’t really worry too much about this scary boogey man molestor scenario. It’s terrible. Don’t get me wrong. But I just don’t think it’s some ominous threat to be scared about. My concerns and reasons for allowing him probably less freedome then kids his age are not irrational either. I hope you were not implying that. I do not think you were. They are born from his limitations and just like you; I look forward to him leaving them all by the wayside. I am certainly not saying that he is going to stay the same for the rest of his childhood. He grows and advances and tries new things at his own pace. Just like your son: He’s ready when he’s ready.
Now, I did not mean to insult anyone by using the term
“cookie cutter”.What I suppose I was trying to say was that what works for each child is different. Just as each child and parent are different. If that was offensive to anyone, I do apologize. Now your comment about obesity is abit off topic I think. I do think it’s a valid problem for sure. But I think fitness is not the sole property of “free rangers”. From reading on this site I have heard parents who micromanage their kids’ lives are called “helicopters” sometimes. They have their kids in many activities( often sports) but to some on this site they hover too much and are too involved. That may be true. But my point is those kids maybe be being ” helicoptered” while still being physically fit. I think good nutrition, physical fitness, balance and an awareness of what it is you are putting in your body will lead to healthy kids no matter the parenting style. Wow, this post is getting long. Finally, I never doubted that “free range” parents worry about their kids. I never said they did not but certainly some people have posted such nonsense. I think Ms. Skenazy must have been deeply worried while her son was on his adventure. In my opinion, I couldn’t tell you if she is a good mom. I don’t know her well enough. One thing I can tell you is she knows her child. That I respect. She knows her son and he wanted this and she made it happen. I am sure she researched and practiced with him quite abit. That all helped him alot but not her so much. She still worried. She’s a parent. That’s what we do. She didn’t let her worry control her.
We all struggle with that. I am confident I am doing right by my son. I owe it to him. He’s my boy. Besides, he made me a better person. He made me a dad.
Take care.
I am now a grandmother . I raised my son, and I was raised with lots of freedom. Every summer, I spend from May to September on a campground and I have the privilege of having my 5 year old grandson with me every week-end and for 3 weeks when I am on holidays. I love to give him the freedom to be able to go in and out without having to always ask. I can see him from inside, even if I am cooking or busy doing something, but I don’t feel as if I have to have my eyes on him every minute.
I was happy to see the subject raised on the Dr. Phil show. Two years ago, one of my friend was commenting to me that his girlfriend has a 9-year old girl and she would go in the public bathrooms with her instead of waiting for her outside the door. I saw my daughter-in-law never allowing to put a blanket on my grandson when he was a baby (instead she would raise the temperature in the room) in fear of him getting tangled up in his blanket and stop breathing.
Too much is too much, so I give him I hope some balance. When we go to the store, he goes around with his little basket while I shop, sometimes in the next aisle. And he loves to pay for his purchases. And I am so proud of him for every independant step he takes.
As far as I am concerned, I keep a watchful eye, but not excessively, and if I can, I try not to let him be aware of it.
Thank you for bringing this subject forward, I wish for all of us common sense, love and support in raising our children and grandchildren. None of us are immuned from fears and worries, the secret, I believe, is not to let them run our lives and therefore the lives of those we love.
I’ve scanned the website but I didn’t see any case studies of adults and/or children bringing the message to their local masses. Does anyone have a story of where free range has been re-introduced with lasting success? We’ve tried in our neighborhood but it seems to take hold, with more children coming outside for a while, then it wanes again.
My parents are pretty good with me, I mean, I’m 14 and I read this story in the Readers Digest and it really hit me how tight on the reigns some parents are. For the past few years I’d say since I was 10 or 11 my mom lets me go to the little country store about a mile down the road on my bike to pick up whatever she needs from the store. When I was about 12 she let me and a friend, go throughout the entire fair by ourselves for a day; one of the largest 4-H fairs in the nation! She trusted us. Since I was like 7 8 or 9 she’d let me walk to the completely other end of the Wal*Mart to get soap or whatever we needed to make the trip ’snappy’. It wouldn’t be anyfun if the parents would come with us on our sledding excursions now would it?
Today, as part of a cub scout requirement, my son and I talked about what I like best about being his parent, and what he liked best about being my son. This is what he wrote in his book:
“I like you because you let me get DIRTY!!”
And that, my friends, is the highest form of praise I can think of.
I could not have stumbled upon all this at a more appropriate time…I have recently been struggling with this very issue with my 10 year old, and reading all of this has really given me a new perspective (and a bit more confidence too!) We just moved from a big metropolitan area to a very small town on the Jersey shore–in other words, from the land of helicopter parents (myself included in this category) to the land of free-range kids, and what I’d considered irresponsible parenting–until now that is. My daughter’s friends all ride their bikes everywhere around town. She somehow managed to convince me to allow her the same freedom, and while I was extremely reluctant, I finally gave in. I was a basket case the first time I let her go. In our old neighborhood I never let her out of my sight. Now, she rides 16 blocks away to a friend’s house or the corner store. I’m not sure how I made that leap of faith, but ultimately that’s what it was. It occurred to me that being a “helicopter” and hovering about her, I was no less worried and was in fact, more EXHAUSTED by it all. I spent all my time fretting over my kids. I couldn’t do my own thing because I had to be outside watching my kids like a hawk. I didn’t want to deny them playtime, but now I realize that by hovering, I was ultimately doing both of us a disservice. They were always frustrated by my restrictions, and I was frustrated by their inability to understand that I was only trying to keep them “safe”. I was also always frustrated that instead of being inside cleaning or making dinner, I was making myself a slave to my children’s “safety”.
Part of the problem I think, besides the obvious media culture influence, is the fear parents have of being judged by others. We worry that if we aren’t out there with our kids or constantly watching them, we will be considered negligent. While I intuitively felt that my child was trustworthy enough and smart enough to play unsupervised, EVERYONE ELSE was out there supervising (and micromanaging) their kids. Therefore, I felt that if I was the only parent who stayed inside, to do the parenting from a distance, well, I would be seen as a bad mom. I believe it’s parental peer pressure that keeps so many of us hovering around our kids.
Now I live in a place far removed from this generation of control-freak moms and dads. Parents in my new hometown seem remarkably laid back, or should I say, they are a THROW-back to another era? And after reading Skenazy and John Rosemond, and seeing my child’s joy as she earns her independence, I must say, I am learning to shed my helicopter ways and ease up a bit. I will still worry, but I’m pretty sure that’s an occupational hazard of parenting in general. Now I think that as long as I educate my child, and arm her with the tools she needs to navigate not only her town, but life itself, I think she’ll be better off for having her mom BACK off!
I have featured this website in the October edition of my website http://www.storkrally.com. I applaud new parents who are brave enough to allow their children to enjoy their childhood…they have only one! I believe we can learn alot from helicopter moms about safety, rules, and supervision. However, balance is always the key. Good parenting is knowing when to hover and when to let go, and set boundries with appropriate consequences. The goal is to raise children who can make wise decisions as adults!
I would love to see a posting on those moms who run out on the playing field while their kid is playing soccer, football, etc. because little Johnny is “hurt” and carries them off the field and such.
Kids are wimps. The boys on my son’s tackle football team act like the world is going to end because their wrist got a little hurt, and of course their moms think they need to take them to the hospital for a bruise. It’s TACKLE FOOTBALL kids.
I told my son that unless he had a bone sticking out of his skin somewhere, rub some spit on it and move on.
Thank you for this website!! I love it, and now have a label for my husband’s and my parenting style. My two oldest kids, ages 14 and 13, ride bikes to school often. My 8 year old walks a half block to the bustop by himself. Neither of my kids have cell phones…I give them 50 cents to make a phone call if necessary.
My daughter rides to a nearby park to play tennis with her friends, my son rides his bike to local restaurants to eat lunch with his friends on the weekends. I wish more parents would get tuned in to this, so that we would not have to feel like the weird ones!! It is sometimes difficult to keep up the good fight when you feel all alone in it. I have had friends of mine pick up my kids when they are walking home from sports practice, dropped them at home and made a comment like “I felt sorry for them!” I have said, “Thanks, but they have two feet!” I also do not use my cell phone regularly, and have told my kids, if you get sick at school and I can’t be contacted, you’ll have to wait at the nurse’s office for awhile. Our neighborhood is old fashioned in that it has sidewalks, which helps alot with the decision to let kids ride/walk by themselves safely. New home buyers should keep this in mind if free ranging their kids is a goal. Thank you so much, Lenore, for this website, I feel like my new goal in life is to change people’s minds about raising indepedent kids.
I have 3 kids. They are ages 11 (boy), 7 (girl), and 5.5 (girl). I am trying hard to live the free range lifestyle with my kids. I often lost track of them when they began to crawl. I still have to watch my tendency to want to keep my babies safe, and the oldest has a history of seizures, but I work at letting my children grow up smart, independent, and free. Even with the history of epilepsy we have let my son wander with friends at local amusement parks. I have taught my kids “how to talk to strangers.” But this week….
The kids have had the week off before Thanksgiving. I had some leftover pancake mix from the weekend. I started making pancakes for the kids. All three wanted to flip the pancakes. I finished one more for me and just left them alone in the kitchen. The 11 year old had some previous experience. The 5.5 year old had flipped a few in her lifetime as well. I don’t know what happened this time because I left. Didn’t worry about reminding them the griddle was hot. Didn’t give tips on how to successfully know when it was time to flip a flap jack. Just let them go and sat and ate. No one was poisoned. No one had to scrape batter off the floor. And no one ate a raw or burned pancake. They probably helped each other out, but they never came to blows. This is the part of parenting that I love. The part where there is success and I am not the one eating after everyone else is finished!
Just a thought. I do support parents taking back the rights of our children having freedom to be outdoors alone but I do want to throw out a word of caution.
My sister made a decision at 11 to free range on her own. She woke very early one school morning and prepared to leave the house with my help. Our parents were still asleep. She got on her bike and left for school, on her own. Being the younger sister, I kept the secret from our sound a sleep parents. The next thing I knew, I heard a loud crash. I ran up to wake my parents and to tell them what had happened. My sister died a few days later.
I do support a lot of free range ideas but am the victim of someone who should have still been sharing life with her older sister. I now have children of my own. They are allowed some relaxed freedom but I am always sure that they understand the rules and will obey them. Parents, don’t go haywire and just let your kids do anything. They do not have a meter developed enough for potentially, dangerous cituations like adults do. Just use caution with your desperatly wanting to create independent kids, they will be on there own some day, don’t rush it!
My husband and I pretty much let our kids go wherever they want. We live in a big city (Toronto, Canada) and there are unsafe areas that we don’t allow them to travel to. As I’ve said before, free range parenting doesn’t mean being stupid or putting your kids in dangerous situations. We do have rules and some of them include going together with groups of friends and having their cell phones & some money with them in case of an emergency.
loved your lyrics to old carols in Reader’s Digest. I work at an Alternative school, will make copies of what I typed and pass them out to have a sing along at the end of our holiday talent show. Thanks, what an imagination. Happy Holiday to you.
It’s interesting to see how these attitudes vary in different countries. We moved from the risk-averse UK to the Netherlands. Over here, children do talk to adults and they make their way to school and to other places on their own on their bikes. This is all normal. Here’s a video of them going to school. Smaller ones accompanied by parents, slightly older ones not.
There isn’t the same obsession about safety here.
Our children are free to travel anywhere they want here, and they have a pretty good range on their bikes – roughly a 15 mile radius.
In Japanese elementary schools, kids walk home together in groups of ten with the 6th grader being the leader. It works really well, safety in numbers and the kids police each other if they misbehave. Kids here live a pretty good life with a mixture of outdoor activities and playing computer games.
I think this website is great! I figured a great way to spread the word would be to share the website with people at work (We work with kids and young adults.). About an hour after I did so, I was called into the boss’s office and told that the site was inappropriate. Someone had complained that the website had something inappropriate on it. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what anyone could have found inappropropriate. I went back to visit the website again and noticed the word “moron” in a disabled link on the home page. I don’t know if that is what someone found objectionable or not, but this event underlined for me, the fact that we have our work cut out of us.
copied from my post in for or against. i think it should be seriously considered.
if someone wanted ideas to the next big thing concerning child learning i would say for them to search our libraries of tv, video and recorded footage of bad things happening, try to find stories where they do it then eventually they relate what happened to what THEY learned from it, set it up so that children will get the entire picture, not just the “media view”, make up teaching packets that include voiced opinions and questionnaires about what they learned and light on theory then send it to years 6,7,8 in primary/high schools across the world (that is ages 11,12,13 for all who does not go by west aus school systems). that might sound controversial and if conventionally rated maybe m15+ but if you talked to them and used the educational values in it it would teach them more than just what you showed to them. i learnt more from HANDS ON and practical activities than what i EVER learned from theory. like an old saying says, you cannot beat experience.
I’m a single mom of an active 10 year old. I’m not able to keep an eye on him 24/7 even if I wanted to. Dinner still has to be cooked, laundry done, etc. I also don’t want him to be an overprotected kid who won’t try anything or go anywhere because he’s too scared (I was kind of like that; couldn’t do sleepovers because I got homesick, and my parents always came and got me. I avoided doing things that weren’t “safe,” so I missed a lot of opportunties and really regret it). I do have the advantage of knowing that my son’s a very thoughtful, responsible kid with a good sense of his own self-preservation; if he wasn’t, I’d tighten the reins a bit.
This summer I started “pushing him out of the nest.” First, I sent him to YMCA overnight camp for a week. He loved it! He said he was a bit homesick on the 3rd night (he’s used to spending 2 nights away from me, at his dad’s house) but he quickly got over it. Then, when he returned home, I turned him loose. I gave him his boundaries (the 4 major streets that surround our neighborhood), explained the rules (look before you cross the streets, stay away from strangers, say please and thank you to your friends’ parents, call if you need help), gave him a watch, and told him to be home by 6 each evening. In the afternoons and on weekends, he’d roam around the neighborhood, playing with his friends at their houses, in our yard, or at the park. He had no problems.
This fall, I let him walk home from his after-school program on his own. After the time changed, it got dark before he left for home. He told me he was scared of walking in the dark. Rather than start picking him up again, I gave him a flashlight. Now he’s not nervous anymore.
I feel that by making him a self-reliant, responsible child, I’m doing my duty as a parent and getting him ready to be a self-reliant responsible adult.
Aaron Propst,
It seems that your comment is more sarcastic than anything. Allowing a child to have independence AND safety (the two AREN’T mutually exclusive) isn’t comparable to throwing a baby off a building. As Lenore pointed out in the next section of this website, the chances of an abduction are far less than many of the common killers in your home. If you’re talking about child safety, you’re talking about probabilities. What’s the probability of a child falling and hitting his/her head? What’s the probability of a child having a deadly allergy to a food? What’s the probability of a child drowning (even under your watch)? Well the probability of a child abduction is many fractions of any of these things. It’s infinitesimal.
I have a great idea for this site. I think it’s one everyone can agree to, even bubble-helicopter parents. STOP BEING SO RECKLESS WITH YOUR CHILDS LIFE! Kids can’t make responsible decisions (not very well at least). Kids can’t punch off some guy giving them trouble. The run away and scream method doesn’t work. If they can get your kid alone for 15 seconds, they can gag ‘em. And don’t think “It won’t happen, those things are so rare as to be nonexistent.” That’s how things happen. The people who would injure/sodomize/murder defenseless children are already fucked up in the head. They are absolute psychopaths and couldn’t stop themselves if they wanted to. It is a compulsion, a mental disorder. Don’t even tell your kids to talk to a cop if they get lost, that’s the new thing that kids are getting picked up by. Some weirdo acts like a cop and just snatches kids and leaves their heads in a freezer.
Unfortunately, psychopaths going around and chopping off kids’ heads isn’t from the most recent Friday the 13th movie, it’s real life in this upcoming year, 2009.
Why any parent that wasn’t some sort of psychopath or just didn’t give a rat’s ass about their child’s well-being would allow this is beyond me.
I don’t have children, but I am a preschool teacher and also run a summer camp for elementary kids. My philosophy in both those endeavors, especially the camp, is much in line with this Free Range Movement. Because we are in charge of others’ children, there is always adult supervision, but our campers are allowed to climb trees and explore parks and roll down hills and get soaking wet in their clothes in the sprinklers, if that’s what they choose. They swim in the ocean…some out pretty deep. We swim with them, so they learn from example and test their limits, while we know their abilites well enough to keep them safe. We take them on the subway (unusual for LA) , walk down crowded city streets, eat at restaurants where we sometimes sit at seperate tables of 4 or 6. We get the older ones to help help the littler ones order, and are constantly amazing waitresses and fellow customers with our kids’ responsible and mature behavior.
If we come across a bar that’s good for hanging upside down from, or a wall that’s good to balance on, or a grassy field for tumbling, we go for it. Games are not organized by the grown ups, they come from the kids.
My partner in the camp and I grew up in Los Angeles in the 80’s and early 90’s…it is far safer here now then it was then. In my role as a teacher and child care provider, I try stress the importance of these free range activities to parents and make sure to give my support to parents who are just beginning to let their older kids ride the bus and walk to friend’s houses et cetera.
I hope to check back here often and join the movement in my capacity working with free range kids and their families.
**Lauren**
I would love it if your website had a “how to” section. I’d love to have free-range kids, and I’m gradually trying to let them have more and more freedom. A list of “babysteps” for beginning “free-range parents” would be helpful, to build my own confidence and my kids’ responsibility. I also want to make sure that (a) I stay within the law (fortunately my state is deliberately vague for kids over the age of 5) (b) I don’t get called up by CPS. Tools for dealing with other parents/authorities would also be good. I know these are buried within some of the comments, but having a FAQ or something similar for quick reference would be very helpful.
I wasn’t sure if you saw this, but thought you might like it.
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/562200
You may want to add this in somwehre
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2009/01/common_sense_is_no_more.html
This is in regard to “look both ways before crossing the street”. We’re all more terrified of wild drivers than we are of sexual predators, right? So do your kids know _why_ they’re looking both ways before crossing the street? Amazingly, many kids have been told to do so, do so perfunctorily, and don’t realize what they’re looking for! I know that if I’m spacing out or daydreaming, that action is worthless.
Instead, I always told my little ones: “We’re coming to a street. Let’s do a car check. Do we see any cars?” If they point one out, ask, “Is it moving? Or parked?”. If parked, ask, “Is the motor running, or off?”. Later this all got shortened to “Car check”! And if they were heading out to a destination where they had to cross a street, “Remember your car check!”. They learned a lot more than just to obediently turn their heads before crossing a street.
I’m not in favor of prematurely exposing children to situations they are not prepared to handle. The problem is, there are many parents I run into who think their child is smarter or more mature than the other children their age. That’s ridiculous.
Children may be more advanced at school work than when I was growing up, but they still have the emotions of a child. They have no idea how predators manipulate children to gain their trust.
The free range concept seems to be adopted (at least in my area) by the same parents who push their children to do other things prematurely. Then, they brag about how advanced their kids are.
It seems like a dangerous game to play – to place your child at risk in order to brag about how free they are.
We were “free range” in some ways when I was a child but as we became teenagers, the slightest lack of supervision was often met with experimenting with smoking, sexual exploration, entry-level drugs, watching risque movies, eating junk, and everything we were not supposed to do.
I hated those houses where the mother wasn’t home and kids were doing whatever they wanted, thinking they were cool. It made me so uncomfortable that I would not go. O course, then I was excluded from those “friends” but I didn’t care.
All the sex, drugs, drinking, and dangerous behavior that is rampant in our society comes from somewhere. I saw it start when parents thought their kids were mature enough to not require supervision. How many parents have been deceived by kids who act great when adults are around but test the limits when they are not.
I don’t see any reason to send my younger kids down a street with fast cars and strangers. Nor, would I leave my teenagers (in the future) home along for long stretches. Just not safe or smart decisions.
Nora, I think you’re conflating two concepts: Pushing kids to do and achieve, and equipping kids with age-appropriate information and experience, the latter which actually makes them SAFER, the former which often just stresses them out and possibly leads to the thrill-seeking you describe. After all, if we start arming them with every electronic game and gadget out there (starting with TV) from the time they can sit up alone, naturally they’re always going to be at loose ends, looking for the next thrill.
It’s why I like to refer to “NOT parenting-by-neighbor”, either in the direction of strictness or leniency. What do I mean? I’ll give an example that will necessarily have to be vague in order to protect my teen’s privacy: When she was 15, we allowed her to do something most parents wouldn’t, but that we’d discussed and felt at peace with. We sustained criticism from other parents whose kids cited our kid as a reason why they should be allowed to, too. We refrained from responding to these parents and quietly continued on our path. We trusted our daughter and had given her the information she needed to be safe, and she was.
Parents, let your own voice guide you in relation to your children.
I was also a free-range child. At 11 years old, I would spend hours at least 1/4 mile down the road with my younger siblings, playing in the creek, pilfering concord grapes from the neighboring farmhouse (whose owner always spoiled the excitement by shouting “now have as many as you like!”)
As an adult, our choice of home was heavily influenced by the neighborhood, because we wanted to feel comfortable allowing our children to play out of doors without heavy supervision. The plan now is to work at it incrementally. Being an independent person requires steps– first learning how to play/work within bounds, talking about the situation, and then taking on the next set of responsibilities and freedoms, and so on.
Hello again, Lenore. I thought you might find this interesting:
http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2009/02/06/doing_the_math.html
Especially: “Why are we so obsessed with the registered sex offender side of the puzzle when the troubled kids are right in front of us? Why are we so obsessed with the Internet side of the puzzle when so many more kids are abused in their own homes? I feel like this whole conversation has turned into a distraction. Money and time is being spent focusing on the things that people fear rather than the very real and known risks that kids face. This breaks my heart.”
Gillian, thanks for posting and for putting the notion out there that (to quote Danah):
“Why are we so obsessed with the registered sex offender side of the puzzle when the troubled kids are right in front of us? Why are we so obsessed with the Internet side of the puzzle when so many more kids are abused in their own homes? I feel like this whole conversation has turned into a distraction. Money and time is being spent focusing on the things that people fear rather than the very real and known risks that kids face. This breaks my heart.”
And can we please lose the label “registered sex offender”? It sounds like something you apply for a license to be! How about just “sex offenders”? In order to label someone that, they must have been convicted of a sex offense in a court of law, ergo, “registered” is superfluous. Otherwise we’d have to refer to all criminals as “registered drug dealers / tax offenders / fill in your favorite crime”.
tinkering school just made a comic book intro out of pictures of happy students:
http://www.tinkeringschool.com/blog/2009/ted-2009/
tagline: “A place where kids can pick up sticks, and hammers and other dangerous objects and be trusted.”
I’m a 19-year-old free-range kid. Not entirely free, mind you, but definitely free-range. Five years old, I was allowed free reign of the front and back yard (it was a quiet street) and parent’s didn’t care, though every hour or half-hour they’d poke their heads into my room or the back yard to check on us. My best friend’s house was across the street; I needed to tell them when I was going over and when I got back, but I had free reign there too. When I was six, me and eight-year-old sis and the two neighbors old enough for school would walk together (one 6, one 7.) By age 9, I was walking to school- or riding my bike- alone. Simple meals at ten or so, but I have no interest in cooking so I haven’t progressed much there. I ate mud soup, jumped in the shallow end of the pool, and went sledding on a hill literally covered in trees.
When I was in middle school, I no longer had a bedtime- they’d seen me put myself to bed when I was tired. My sis would still have a bedtime, if she weren’t in college. I got a part-time job one summer, and got fired from it for suggesting a screaming toddler needed bed (at 9 PM). It was very rare that anyone checked my homework was done once I was in high school- I’d gotten it all done in middle school before they asked, usually. My main fault was not practicing my trombone- something they still remind me of.
Right now, I’ve got no interest in drugs, don’t care to try drinking, never smoked, and am one of the healthiest teens on campus now. Away from home, I have a 3.88 GPA, most of my friends marvel that I know! how! to! sew!, and- over my parents objections- I dropped band for a semester because I can’t handle too many classes if math is one of them. I don’t skip classes, I’ve turned down any offers of drugs and alcohol, and I turned out well.
When I have kids, they’ll be free-range. It won’t be for years yet, but– take it from someone who just left childhood– things aren’t as dangerous as you think. Heck, I even had one of those forbidden toys for a while (the chewing doll that ate someone’s hair and it got stuck in the gears) and I still wound up fine. And last time I fell off my bike, knee bruised and bloody, I got back on and biked home so I could clean it and bandage it. That’s self-sufficient.
I love the idea of a movement to stop obsessive fear! I have been following an approach like this with my 5 year old daughter, and have been criticized by my mother and sister for my approach. I think it has to start early, and that you need to explain the real dangers to kids, then let them show they are responsible enough to avoid them. It is also partly about learning self discipline and to understand and follow rules.
We never child-proofed our house – she was taught not to touch things that weren’t “hers” without permission, so a glass ornament could sit on the table – it wasn’t hers to play with, so I didn’t need to worry about her breaking it. She also knew not to open cupboards that weren’t hers. By starting this as soon as she was big enough to move herself around, a simple “no, that’s not yours” and consistenly moving her away when she touched something that wasn’t hers was all it took to teach her this. Now, I don’t need to worry that she will pull the entertainment unit over while she is trying to get to something on the top shelf, or play with power tools, or many other possible dangers – she doesn’t touch stuff that is not hers without asking, and then she can be supervised and taught how to handle things safely if it is honestly dangerous or breakable, or I can remind her to use a stool or bring it down for her if it is stored where she cann’t reach it.
When she was old enough to talk, we talked about how eating things that weren’t food could make you very sick. I have never locked the cleaning supplies or medicine, but we have a family rule that she asks an adult before eating anything other than the cereal she gets herself for breakfast (that way we can suggest that she wait until after dinner if it is close to dinner time) and she has never yet asked to eat a cleaning product!
My mother was frantic that she would fall into the swimming pool at her house when we were visiting. The pool was too cold to swim in at the time, so I walked her over to it and had her put her foot in – she didn’t like how cold it was. I told her she had to be careful to stay back from the pool in case she fell in, because it wouldn’t be very nice to be cold like that. She agreed and didn’t even try to go near the pool for the rest of the visit, whether my mother was obsessing about locking the patio door or not. Now that she is older she is taking swimming lessons and we have talked about why you should always have someone with you when you are near a pool. A locked gate will never keep out a determined child, but a child who understands why they shouldn’t go near the pool alone will never try to get through the gate in the first place!
When my daughter had just started on solid foods, I (unintentionally at the time) gave her a spoonful of something that was uncomfortably hot. It wasn’t going to cause a burn or anything, but it was just hot enough that she made a face and didn’t want to eat it. I said to her, “I’m sorry honey, that is too hot isn’t it?” and she immediately started to associate the word “hot” with something unpleasant. As she got older, I found that I could put hot food in front of her and say “careful, it’s hot” and she would wait to eat it, just like an adult would. By the time she could walk, she knew not to touch the oven because it might be hot, and when she was four, she could stand on a stool and help me stir things on the stove – I didn’t have to worry about her sticking her hand on an element or pouring a pot of boiling water over herself – she new things that were hot could hurt and required extra caution. Kids burn themselves when they don’t know this and direct experience is the best teacher.
She has been able to learn to do lots of great things – feed the cows at my father-in-laws farm, use a sewing machine, shoot a bow and arrow, and this summer we will be teaching her how to safely light and extinguish a campfire. She has learned how to be safe doing these things in small supervised pieces, and I know that she will be safe doing them because she has been taught what the dangers are and how to deal with them. Once she has mastered them, I am able to trust her to do them on her own.
I am able to trust her to play inside while I am gardening, or outside while I am doing housework. In the next couple of years I imagine she will be perfectly capable of staying at home alone for short periods of time, but the law says I cann’t leave her unsupervised until she is 11 – not only is this a financial burden by requiring me to have before and after school care for many years (I have to leave for work half an hour before her bus would come in the morning, and my husband gets home about fifteen minutes after it would arrive in the afternoon), it limits her freedom and doesn’t respect the fact that she has proven her ability to be responsible and follow the rules. While I understand that the government needs to set some sort of limits in order to be able to prosecute people who are really doing something wrong (like leaving a two-year-old alone in an apartment for days), the way the laws are currently written makes it very hard for people to allow their children progressive levels of responsibility. I’m glad I won’t be the only one speaking out against this!
Rebecca, you go, girl! I did something similar with my youngest. Whenever she was getting ready to touch something questionable, I asked her, “Do you have permission?”
By the time she was two, all I’d have to say was “Per…” and she’d shout with glee, “…MISSION!”. She not only learned about what she could and couldn’t touch, but she added to her vocabulary!
Martial arts training is great for instilling confidence in children (and their parents). My daughter is a very small for her age 10yo but this hasn’t prevented her from getting very, very good at Kung Fu. She has graduated from kids to adults classes now and sometimes goes back to help instruct the younger kids. The style of Kung Fu she does (Wing Chun) relies much more heavily on technique than size or body strength. They also practice defending themselves against adults including learning lots of ‘dirty tricks’, eg, ‘aiming for the hairy beanbag’ (as the instructor calls it. I am hoping that she will continue this into her teenage years when she has to start catching public transport to and from school etc. I think this offers her a lot more protection than a mobile phone would.
We have also taken our kids travelling in Asia and gave them plenty of freedom there to go off and do their own thing. They were always pretty easy to spot when we did want to find them, ie, the only heads with fair hair anywhere around. They got to know heaps more locals than we did so always had someone watching out for them.
Katherine, you’re so right when you say learning martial arts would probably protect a child better than would a cell phone. Self-defense should be required to graduate high school, as should swimming, CPR, and changing a flat tire.
Great idea, Yam Erez! We are high school ’shopping’ at the moment (high school starts in 7th grade in Australia) and one of the questions I have been asking is whehter they include martial arts as one of the sports options. Most don’t which is a pity. Australian schools are really big on swimming though. They start doing lessons from kindergarten and most kids would be fairly competent swimmers by the time they are in 3rd grade.
I admit I have not read all the ideas on this page, there are alot and I kind of skip around so if this is a repeated idea I apologize.
One I have not seen is the idea of getting your kid a dog. Now by dog I mean something that can be a friend to your child not just a little rodent looking animal that would squeak when stepped on.
A friend of mine who grew up with a dog tells me of many times in the woods at ages as young as 10, just walking around in the woods with his dog and he never got lost in the woods. How did he never get lost? Well the dog could always find its way home.
A dog that is well trained (gotten as a puppy and taught to “protect” your child) can be an amazing friend/guide/guardian for ones child.
I understand that this way of thinking works better for more rural areas, but I can see it working in the city as well. Teach your child to walk with the dog, how to tie him up properly outside a store or wherever your kid has gone etc etc.
I do not yet have kids (nor someone to have them with but this is not the forum for that). But I do have some strong feelings about parenting and the protection (overprotection?) of children.
I agree in theory with you, Charles, but it’s a rare real-life kid who takes an interest in a dog beyond the first week. In any case, I advise not getting a dog until your youngest child is at least eight, if not ten, and do not go into it thinking it’s going to teach your kid responsibility. In fact, one shouldn’t get a dog at the behest of one’s kid(s) at all, but rather for oneself, and if one or more kids take an interest, accept it as a pleasant surprise.
It pains me to see responsibility “being taught” at the expense of a living creature. Starving a dog or letting it go thirsty “until someone feeds it as they agreed to do” is not the same as letting dirty dishes pile up in the sink or laundry pile up by the machine.
Parents, if you get a pet, go into it with your eyes open. YOU, not your children, will be feeding it, walking it, grooming it, and taking it to the vet. If you can’t do those things, don’t get a dog. Please.
My mom always sent me to the store for cigarettes and vodka. Now they won’t sell cigarettes or alchol to my kid even if I send a note. So now I have to drive there myself and buy us all cigarettes. I think thats bullshit.
my cousin knows good places to go an mess with kids usualy by a scool but hes in jail now so its no fun any more
I’m a social worker (in child protection), and I believe STRONGLY that kids need to learn, little by little, how to be safe when they are out in the world. With my daughter (8) we I started when she was 5 or 6 by having her make her own purchases in stores or at the hot dog stand in the town center. We walked her route to school together until she could show me the intersections that might be dangerous and tell me how she could be safe walking. (We live literally a block and half from the school and I still get the hairy eyeball from other parents because I don’t drive(!) her or walk her to and from school.
I do a workshop for parents called “TALK to Strangers” – it sounds counter intuitive, but if my daughter is ever lost or frightened, she will need to find a stranger to ask for help and needs to know how to do this safely (Ask a woman, go to a shop etc…)
Other parents often think I am a bit foolhardy, but I am trying to raise a strong, resourceful and independent adult and this means I need to let her be an independent kid sometimes.
Love the website!
Margo, I’d like to hear more about TALK 2 Strangers. Looked it up but got no hits. Good going.
A blog post you might be interested in (re misplaced hysteria over child abuse):
http://blogs.smh.com.au/lifestyle/whosyourdaddy/archives/2009/03/people_are_such_a_perplexing.html
I have started a group in the San Diego area called The Free Kids Social Club as a gathering place for families who like the idea of Free Range Kids. Most of us are unschoolers. Check us out and feel free to join even if you are not close to us. We are trying to connect with like-minded people nationally and even internationally.
http://www.meetup.com/The-Free-Kids-Social-Group/
Christi, I applaud your efforts. May I make a suggestion? As someone who works with words, I feel that as a rule, as few as possible should be used! Call your group Free Kids. You won’t regret it.
I love the idea of a “talk to strangers” class! I have been resisting the urge of teaching my children that other people are not to be trusted. I don´t like the idea of them considering others “the enemy”. But of course, they are being raised “free range” in a more or less busy town, and they are still too young to sort adults out.
So, when we go in a crowded place (a department store, the beach, even demonstrations!), we locate a meeting point and tell them that they can only ask policemen or mothers with children their ages for help.
I almost always lose sight of them (four very active kids running in opposite directions). I have only been called on the loudspeakers of a department store once. From then on, I scribble my mobile number on their wrists, so I can save the embarrasment of everyone staring at me.
Lola, brilliant idea of writing your mobile number on their wrists. Way to go.
Yeah, the microchip under the skin sounded a bit too extreme, but maybe it could be good business, if we got the founding
As a police officer and father of a 6 and 8 year old, and the husband whose wife works at Children’s Aid, it seems that several of you will keep us both employed for many more years with your left-wing views on child safety…here’s an excerpt from Today’s Parent that sums things up nicely:
Each province and territory has its own statutes that deal with child protection, which give social workers the authority to make decisions on the care of children. In Ontario, for example, the legislation is known as The Child and Family Services Act, and it has two clauses relevant to this discussion:
Sec. 79 (3) “No person having charge of a child less than 16 years of age shall leave the child without making provision for his or her supervision and care that is reasonable in the circumstances.”
Sec. 79 (4) “Where a person is charged with contravening subsection (3) and the child is less than ten years of age, the onus of establishing that the person made provision for the child’s supervision and care that was reasonable in the circumstances rests with the person.”
In plain English, you, as a parent, are responsible for your children’s safety and well-being until they are 16 years old, and you are obligated by law to provide adequate supervision and care.
Mr. Holmes,
I am extremely interested in your reply.
Are you suggesting that if I allow my son to go out without adult supervision before he is 16 years old, I will be charged? What about leaving kids home alone? I always thought that 12 year olds could babysit, how does this general “rule of thumb” fit with these two clauses? I always thought that it was the parents responsibility to make reasonable judgements to ensure the childs safety. For example, letting a 10 year old stay home alone for 1/2 an hour or go to the park with friends might be reasonable if the child has sufficient maturity.
I would really appreciate if you could provide some additional guidelines around these two clauses, they both state “reasonable in the circumstances”. This statement is not clear at all to me. In my mind, letting my child walk home alone from school is reasonable, to others it might not be.
Also, Holmes, laws can be wrong, you know.
Well, “reasonable supervision and care” cannot possibly mean “keeping an eye on the child 24/7″. If so, I would be in deep trouble. It is physically impossible to look in four different ways at once, you know. Okay, maybe we got a little carried away and our children should be a couple more years apart (not that any law can prevent that, except maybe in China). But even so, 16 years???
Well, Lola, this goes along with my theory: If you have to hire a babysitter for your little one(s) during your older one’s Bar Mitzva, you either had your kids too far apart or you have too many kids!
Aaaah… That´s an advantage of being a Catholic. Little ones are welcome at a First Communion!
Lenore, here is a story you might be interested in featuring. It is on the increase in myopia in children thought to be associated with the decline in outdoor play:
http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2009/02/12/2483412.htm
Another good reason to have kids ‘free ranging’ out of the home.
Oh and I have also used 13yo babysitters for my kids and leave my 10yo at home on her own for up to 30 mins or so while I duck up to the shop. I don’t leave the 6yo but more because he is a mischief maker and would probably do something silly.
I used to bring my daughter to the pool when she was younger. My wife wasn’t around. She was about five or six. I let her go to the changing room by herself. What could happen in a female changing room with other moms and their daughters in a public place? She enjoyed being in charge of her own shower and gettng dressed. She was in control. Of course, it did take forever! Now she has no fearrs of public rest rooms, at the airport, at the pool, anywhere. She now goes to the local pool on her own.
My kids walk with friends to the convenience store across a busy street. One important thing I taught them is how to use the walk light at the cross walk. If you ask a “free-range kid” when to cross (because if not “free-range” they have no clue what the answer is) they will say, “when the lights turns red or the walk light is green or white”, whatever the case. I told them no, the correct answer is, WHEN ALL THE CARS STOP. There is potentially that car that will run the red light so you wait until the cars stop first. My kids know this now and tell their friends. Now that they are comfortable (and me also!) I still quiz them every once in a while before they go just to make sure it sinks in.
Good for you, Kerri. This dovetails with my earlier post about “look both ways [before crossing the street] not being good enough. I taught my kids to “do a car check”. And if we saw a car: Is it moving, or parked? If parked, is the motor running? If moving, is it moving away from us, or toward us? If toward us, is the driver going forwards, or in reverse? If in reverse, can the driver see us? If so, is there time for us to cross safely? Once kids understand the answers to these questions, they’re much safer than if they simply “look both ways”.
Lenore, thank you for this website. Before i found it I thought there may have been a participation trophy entitled “I havent slept a single night away from my child for the past 25 years and am so proud of it” that mothers were anticipating. My oldest is only 16 so i figured i just hadnt heard about it yet but now i know like-minded moms do exist and i’m not the only one not interested in receiving such a trophy!!!!
Although the neighborhood we live in is considered dangerous inner city, we always taught our children to be aware and encouraged them to be independent, critical thinkers (by lengthening the leash). They are grown now and while many criticized me for being too lax (bad mother), one child has a MA in education and teaches inner city middle school children, one is a financial analyst and security supervisor for Boston Red Sox, and the youngest going to college for equine therapy….So much for too lax and inner city childhoods
I am not sure if I posted this yet, but I had let my 11yr old daughter go outside to play.
We have a park that butts right up to our property line and she often would go over and play in the park.
One of these days I saw a cop car pull up with her.
He gave me a lecture on what she was wearing(a skirt), and playing in the park alone.
She later told me that when he pulled up to her he said nothing to her but “get into the back seat”.
She used to think cops were good people, now she hates them and is afraid of being in trouble for playing anywhere that I can’t view her.
I’m a mum of 2 kids in Melbourne Australia. I am a huge advocate for Free Range Kids. I’m sure the crime rates are a little different in suburban Australia than perhaps some plac ein the US, but I let my kids play out on the front lawn by themsleves. My older son looks after my younger daughter (although sometimes it’s seems the other way around!!) They play on their own or with some of the other kids in the street. As long as they tell me if they are going anywhere then they are fine. They know their boundaries and I have spoken to them about the rules. As a community we, the other parents in the street, are vigilant in keeping an eye on them too. I also keep an eye on them from time to time out the window too!
this post is a year old and I think id may be getting a little long. Is there anywhere on the site where the Best ideas have been collected?
This week we have been eating fruit and vegetables that my 10yo daughter chose at the supermarket. She was keen to be helpful while shopping (actually hoping to get some money out of me!) so i sent her off with instructions of what to get from various parts of the store. Some of the kiwi fruit are a little soft but on the whole she did pretty well. I am hoping to build up to the point where we can halve the shopping time by, for instance, her going and doing the fruit and vegetable shopping in one store while I go and get the other bits and pieces from the supermarket. Just a small responsibility but made her feel proud and was a help to me.
I just found this site today, thanks to Newsweek. I didn’t know there were so many people like me! My son, now 13, has been allowed to go “a couple of aisles away” in stores to look at things he likes (or help food shop) for about 5 years. I found it to be a responsibility builder- you can go where you want, just tell me you are going. He knows the boundaries, which I have to say are much wider than many of his friends. We’ve never had a problem.
Stranger danger/ separation from a parent- when he was a toddler I taught him if he was scared and I wasn’t there look for a police officer or a lady with a baby. In kindergarten he was mistakenly sent home on the bus on a half day. I arrived at the school at 5pm to pick him up and he wasn’t there. When I “found” him he was with our new neighbor, playing with her baby, without a care in the world. When we teach truly good safety techniques to young children, they do sink in even when we think they don’t. Truly I was in more danger that day for the way I drove from the school to the house to find my missing baby. Ever since, I’ve trusted my son- he was paying attention and he did follow his gut and it has never steered him wrong. I don’t panic when he steps out the door like my friend does with her same-aged son.
I gave both my children the “Cactus Test” as I call it. My folks have a sun room with an array of cactae, and when my youngest mas about 8 months old, and putting everything she could find into her mouth, i wanted to be sure she would know that these are not the types of trees to mess with. I put a small one in front of her, let her check it out, she touched it lightly, made a face and stayed away from it ever since. I did the same with my boy when he was about six months. My husband thought me cruel, my parents understood, though, what I was trying to do. I though it was a decent test of their intelligence. That, plus my mom didn’t have to relocate a dozen plants. We’ve never had a problem, The kids run around in there all the time.
Amen, sister friend! I am so pleased to have found this website. Just a few months ago I had my first experience with other adults questioning what I allow my 7-year-old free-range daughter to do. (Love the term “free-range”, by the way!) My daughter spends afternoons with a babysitter who lives only two blocks away from the school. I saw no problem with my daughter walking there. It was such a non-issue for me that I was astounded when I was called at work to come get her because the teacher wouldn’t allow her to walk that far by herself. I had a conversation with the teacher (somehow I managed to keep my temper) and politely informed her that 1. I trust my daughter to walk much further distances than that by herself. 2. I have no intentions of teaching her to be afraid, alert yes, afraid no. I presented it in a non-aggressive way, even though I was so angry and the teacher made a complete turn-around and said I was absolutely correct. She admitted that she and the other teachers had fallen into the same mass hysteria trap that many parents fall into. I was pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, that was a long story, but I’m happy to get it off my chest to a sympathetic group. I will look for your book at the bookstore (where my daughter gets to go by herself – horrors!) because I have some friends that could use a break from their self-imposed panic.
Good work, BostonMom. I did the same thing with a straight pin and needle when my kids were toddlies: I let them touch the tip of the pin and told them it was sharp. End of story. I’d also taught them the word “breakable” in reference to glass objects, and stepped out onto our back patio one day to find my two-year-old waving around a drinking glass chanting merrily, “It’s break-a-ble! It’s break-a-ble!” I guess that sunk in OK!
I am a single father with a young six year old girl. I respect and commend you for your views and parenting style. It is an excellent way of teaching your child responsibility and achievement. People need to know you should have confidence and faith in your child because all the kids do is school home and bed. I am learning to give my child freedom more and more each day.
Sincerely yours Alejandro Salazar
I’ve been letting my kids use sharp knives since they were 1. They are both very independant and popular kids. Scardyism is because of too much Television. I haven’t watched Television for a decade, becuase I didn’t want to get scared by all the “bad news” (and fall prey to consumerism along they way). It also comes down to math processing ability. I like your facts about abduction, but to most americans 100 kids out of 300 million probably means nothing. People can’t do math anymore. People probably can’t comprehend how infintesimally small that is. And whatsa statistic anyway. I’ve never heard directly of anyone getting abducted.
I want my kids to go out and live life to the fullest. They need to have a big real life, not some sheltered cotton wool existence.
I like this site. I feel like validated by this site. I often felt like I was a bit fringe with some of the freedoms I give my kids. I don’t want to have a power and control arrangement with my kids. I want them to feel saf e and secure and loved and feel OK about leaving that security to explore the world for themselves. And hopefully they won’t still be at home raiding my boring refridgerator when they’re 25 but will be seeing the world for themselves. Americans are told the world is so unsafe, so most Americans don’t even had a passport or travel widely. This leads to the kind of ignorance that creates a whole new set of problems.
I have to admit that even though I grew up in the early 70’s and while my mom gave us some freedoms, I think she was really scared of the world like many of todays SUV driving, molly coddling parents. She was worried that “moonies” were going to abduct us etc etc. We had a very sheltered existence growing up and I want my kids to stretch way beyond that kind of confing up bringing so they can enter the world as really useful productive citizens – the kind of practical people that will be safe, inquisitive, socialised, happy achievers.
Teaching your kids to swim: By the time my third one was born, our pool had built a stepped entrance, and she basically taught herself to swim. No more standing in waist-high water, freezing, holding my kids. I’d sit on the steps chatting with friends with no. 3 right beside me, and she happily played, gradually descending to the next step when she was ready / tall enough, then advancing to holding onto the wall, swimming a short distance to me, etc. It was painless. If possible, find a pool with steps or a beach-style entrance and you’ll enjoy pooltime much more, and your kid will learn to swim at her own pace. I’m not referring of course to learning the strokes and techniques, of course; I’m referring to toddlers being pool safe, knowing how to float and how to climb out of the water on their own.
Great ABC news segment last night. You are well worth listening to…parents today need to do more to prepare their kids to handle the real world, to handle all types of stress large or small, and solve problems with real solutions. As a latch-key kid, I was doing my own laundry by the time I was 11 and fly around the world by the time I was 15–passing through customs and immigration in 3 different Middle East countries. In contrast, I was shocked to college freshman not able to do their own laundry. Thanks.
Great ideas. I have never liked the whole “never talk to strangers” concept. I always felt that my children would talk to someone if they were comfortable… in other words if a particular person made them feel uncomfortable for some reason they would not speak to them. But, what are we teaching our kids if we don’t want them to talk to people they don’t know (strangers). Smiling, making small talk, striking up a conversation in the grocery store etc. with someone I don’t know (i.e. a stranger!) has begun many relationships in my lifetime.
I think when my kids were younger I probably did not give them enough freedom… I think it seemed easier for me to do things for them. So, now I am trying to lead them into their independence. But… they are embracing it!. I really like to find opportunities when I know they are not thinking about doing something alone and present an idea to them telling them something like, I know that you are capable of this so I am going to let you do it by yourself. Another thing I did was when my daughter turned 12 she had a gift cert. to a restaurant and she wanted to take a friend. So, I dropped them off at the restaurant by themselves and let them have a nice dinner alone. They still talk about it! I did however, feel that I needed to let the waitress know the situation so that she didn’t think I was abandoning them.
And the key in all of this is to use your best judgment, if it doesn’t seem right for your child then don’t let them do it. Many factors need to be considered – maturity, environment, confidence and experience. I also think it is important to talk about “what ifs” and let them problem solve those situations.
I have always raised my kids as free range or as I call it “the natural way. The natural way is raising my kids with the same freedom that a child in Africa that is spending most of his time outdoors or in a hut without expensive things to worry about would have. As a result I am always being told that I have happy kids. My 4 yr old whistles all the time (that gets on my nerves) I see other kids in the grocery or furniture store standing very close to their parents with sad looks on their faces while my kids are running from aisle to aisle or turning flips on top of Persian rugs.
I am the mother of an 11 year old fifth grader and after reading this website, have determined he is a free range kid. I agree 100% with this site and love this apporach to raising children. My finacee is in the military, so teaching my son leadership skills and automony is very important to the both of us. I shake my head when I talk to mothers who don’t let their 13 year ride the school bus beacuse they are worried that something may happen. I think that type of parenting is sad and you are not preparing your child for the real world. I am a full-time working professional, so my son is a latch-key kid that takes the bus to and from school. Also, he can wash his clothes and can cook a pretty mean breakfast (which I did enjoy yesterday for Mother’s Day!). I allow him go to other aisles in the grocery store when we shop and ride his bike blocks away to a friend’s house. We live in a nice suburban area with plenty of sidewalks. Don’t get me wrong, my child is not left to fend for himself or roam the streets aimlessly. He has a structured scheduled and plays on a nationally ranked traveling basketball team as well as a neighborhood football team. A majority of his time is filled with monitored sporting activities that I, his dad& future step dad are very involved in. My son is a leader among his peer group (Student Council and Honor Roll) and has a lot of friends and confidence in everything he does. I believe that giving him independence in many areas has been a huge contributing factor in his leadership abilities. It’s very refreshing to see other parents that think like me and are raising strong, independent, leaders of tomorrow!
Jennifer – I love the idea of having your 12-year-old eat in a restaurant on her own. So many learning opportunities there. Bob Houston – you reminded me that I used to cartwheel down the aisles of TG&Y as a kid! Nowadays my mom would’ve been shown the door and told never to come back!
The most interesting and capable people I know did not have perfect childhoods. Teaching your child to meet challenges and look after himself in unusual or dangerous circumstances is a no brainer. It’s the child who is sheltered that will not know what to do if they find themselves alone and needing to get home or facing a predator or other danger. In nature the strongest survive. We do not become strong by hiding from life.
Here’s my idea, though I don’t see it happening soon.
As Lenore and others have said before, this is a liberation movement and a rights movement, among other things.
Please see the post above: Sheerluck Holmes, on April 5th, 2009, for reference.
A lot of reason we have difficulty being “free-range” parents and letting our kids have a reasonable level of freedom is that other people have decided and codified what is “right” for the least common denominator of parents and children, in the worst imagined environment, then going overboard one more level “just to be safe”. And what politician can stand against “the safety of the children”? People have been taught to call the police instead of helping a neighbour’s child. They are told it is their legally required DUTY to call Child Protective Services if they even suspect there could possibly, even maybe, be seeing something that could be called “neglect”. And parents are told that not watching your child every second until they are upper-teenagers or letting ANYTHING uncomfortable happen to them IS neglect. Even if I am reasonable, logical, and cool in the face of the media-induced fear-fest, the laws are against me, the “system” is against me, and most of society is against me.
A lot of these laws that have been passed are, in my opinion, wrong. But even if you agree with all the (well-intentioned, but overboard) child safety laws and all the laws that give CPS more power than the police to interfere with ANY family just on their own suspicions or beliefs, the spirit of the laws is often randomly violated. Instead of protecting kids from real neglect and abuse, resources are squandered investigating good, loving parents that have taught their kids well and want to allow them a little freedom so they will grow up to be independent adults.
In my location, it is illegal to leave any child 11 or under without direct adult supervision. Really. I can be arrested, and I kid you not – have my children taken away and put in a foster home for allowing them out of my sight. This is a real danger, and your neighbors WILL call the police if they see your child and do not see you. Ironically, at age 11 children can also legally babysit other kids. Would you let an 11 or 12 year old that has never been allowed to be alone and develop any sense of independence and responsibility look after your younger children while you are out? It’s crazy, but it’s the law. And every time I let my two-year-old play in our backyard (fully fenced and gates with child locks, large protective dog in the yard, no junk or obvious hazards) while I am in the kitchen looking out the window and listening through the open door, I risk inviting the police and CPS, and the incredible stress and trauma they bring a family, into our lives. I do it anyway. I taught my child in steps. I used to go out and follow him/her around the yard. Then I stayed on the steps and watched for months. Now I stay in, watching some of the time through the window, with the door open so I can hear anything like crying or yelling.
I’m trying to raise my children free-range with the wiggle room given by the law that tells me it is illegal to let my child out of my sight “…without making provision for his or her supervision and care that is reasonable in the circumstances.” If I teach my child well, I hope at 7 or 8 or so s/he can be under his/her OWN supervision and care to ride their bike to the park 4 short blocks away when I am home and know where they are, and that should be “reasonable under the circumstances”. But it is all up to my neighbor’s interpretation, and a social worker’s, who has a vested monetary interest in pursuing cases and identifying “neglected” children. My partner is sure someday someone will report us, and we will have the trauma and expense of having to fight to keep our children, just because we try to give them a little room to grow, like we had when we were kids. But I am determined to stand and fight. I want my kids to be competent adults someday – independent, responsible, smart, strong, courageous, caring, able to help others, and perhaps someday even be considered wise. Since I believe some level of free-range is essential in their development, I will be living that way, though I take a real, enormous risk in doing so. One involvement with Child Service agencies, even if eventually shown and agreed to be completely unwarranted, can destroy a family.
So on to my idea.
What we really need is something like the Home School Legal Defense Association. We need some laws changed so parents have the right to let their children have some freedom without threat of being charged with neglect, while still protecting genuinely abused/neglected children. We need the educational campaigns and lobbyists that support free range parenting as good, thoughtful, reasonable parenting, and simply give good parents a little breathing room with how they raise their kids, even allowing some occasional mistakes without involving authorities. There will be endless fights about where to draw the line, but so far, not many are fighting on the side of free-range parenting.
Read “About the HSLDA” at http://www.hslda.org/about/default.asp, and everywhere you see the word(s) “home school” or “homeschooling”, substitute “free-range”. Seriously – go there and try it. We need something like that! How many would pay for a membership in such an organization?
There is a challenge in keeping it focused and keeping it from being hijacked by other causes or derailed by a few wingnuts who can’t dialogue with the status quo about what is reasonable regarding child safety. But if it could be done, it would be great.
I don’t have the resources, and I’m not a lawyer (don’t even know any lawyers). HSLDA was started by two lawyers in their spare time, who held a very strong conviction that the freedom to home school was important, and they raised their kids that way. I hope someone will come along for this movement who can start such an organization. If we don’t become a political and societal force, we will always have to live in fear of neighbors and authorities, even though we are trying to do what is best and healthiest for our children’s future.
this was my mantra for raising my three daughters to adulthood. one is a neuroscience researcher, another a biomedicine wanna-be well on her way, and the third a “free-range” mother studying to be a Sign Language interpreter.
“if you want your children to expand their horizons you have to let THEM expand their horizons.”
’nuff said.
When my daughter was 10, she was stalked on the walk to school. We live in a busy, residential neighbourhood where there are ALWAYS people out walking and very few kids are bussed to any of the five schools in walking distance.
The first time she saw the man in the van was as she was passing the high school.
Two minutes later, he pulled up beside her, stopped the van and watched her walk to the next block. She told me that her radar went up immediately. The same thing happened on the next block. At this point, she heard my voice in the back of her head, telling her to describe the car, get the license number, describe the man and look for help.
Oddly, at that moment, there was nobody walking towards her, so she picked up her pace, turned onto her school’s street and realized he had turned onto the same street. She went over the descriptions and the number in her mind and scoped out the block to school. He turned into a driveway, blocking the sidewalk.
At this point, she was sure she was in a dangerous situation. She crossed the street rather than going towards the van and maintained a confident pace, even though her heart was racing.
In the school yard, she told her friend and told her friend not to stop her from repeating the license plate number. Then, she saw the van parked on the OTHER side of the parking lot. She and her friend double checked the license number… now she had a witness. The van took off. She got a teacher. The teacher sent her to talk to the principal with instructions to tell the secretary to interrupt no matter what.
Later that evening, after she gave a video-taped interview at the police station, the dectective told my husband and I that this guy had harrassed five other adult women but nobody had given such a clear description or thought to get the license plate number. This was a bright kid. “Bright???”, I replied. “I have been training her for this since she was four. We used to go for long walks and practice describing vehicles, occupants and numbers. I told my kids that most people are really good folk, but that it is really important to watch out for the bad ones. Listen to your gut, take evasive action and gather information and GET HELP.”
When we got the call about what had happened, I was so thrilled that she knew what to do … that she had street smarts. Her friends parents said that they would have not reacted the same way, that they would have been sitting ducks… all because they were not given the tools to grow up with the knowledge and confidence of a free-range kid. By the way, her 17-year-old sister just got back from a developmental project in Ecuador. Was I worried? Not one iota! I just missed her!
Pamela, hurrah for you and your brave, smart daughter. Thank goodness she’s safe. Put this on the For / Against page!
I completely agree with this parenting style. When I was a kid we left the house after breakfast and didn’t come back until dinner!!! I rollerbladed all over town and the worst thing that happened was a fractured thumb. I loved being on my own and gained alot of life experience. I have a 10 month old son and I will definately let him wander far and wide.
My 11 yr old nephew on the other hand has no freedom and can’t do anything for himself. My sister in law still cuts up his meat for him and won’t let him get his own plate ready. She won’t let him play in the front yard because someone might “grab him”. But he can’t play in the back yard either because the dogs stay out there and there is poop everywhere. He can’t walk the 2 blocks to his friends house by himself, she either walks with him or drives him. He can’t run his own bath water or put his clothes away.
I let him help me make INSTANT mashed potates the other day and he was so excited and proud of himself. I’m planning on letting him “get away with” alot more while he’s in my care! The boy is almost a teenager for goodness sake!!!
I try not to criticize her parenting because I do think it’s up to her how to raise her child. I wouldn’t want anyone telling me how to raise mine so i do keep it to a minimum(most of the time!)
I’m glad that i’m not the only “irresponsible” parent out there.
My idea is to let your kids help you cook. clean, act as navigator in the car, etc… Knowing that they can do things for themselves and for you makes them happy and independent!!!!
Amity, great idea about having kids navigate for you in the car. Also having them help you find a parking spot or help you back the car into it. Good for you for being “subversive” with your nephew. I’d find it hard to hold my tongue!
Hi, Lenore! I hope this doesn’t get buried, but I had to share an interesting story.
My 11 year old son came home last night and showed me his arm, elbow, hip, and leg where he had fallen and injured himself for the very first time on his bike. He wasn’t in pain, I think – like a normal 11 year old boy – these were “war wounds” he was quite proud of.
Anyways, it got me to thinking that both he and his now-15 year old brother have ridden bikes for years and this is the first actual injury either have received. And I’m a bad mom that has never ever bought a bike helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, hip pads, bubble wrap, and portable mattresses for them in case they fell.
This reminded me of the John Stossel story done a few years ago when he studied bike riders wearing protective gear vs. not wearing it. They determined that not only did the (professional adult) bikerider ride a little less carefully – completely subconsciously – when he was all “protected”, but that traffic was less careful when passing him. The unprotected rider was just a little more aware of what was going on around him, and the cars gave him a wider berth.
Ultimately, having the gear on put him in more danger. It was fascinating – I’ll bet you could do a whole blog post about it!! I don’t know the date of the original airing of the story, but I love John Stossel and his debunking books and shows!
I really think the Walk To School campaigns that schools have is the key. The streets would be so much safer if there were more people on them. But when your little girl is walking all by herself through neighbourhoods with no one outside, it isn’t as safe. But if the streets had throngs on kids on their way home, traffic would be more aware of them, help would be available if they got hurt, and there is no way a stranger could ‘get away’ with a kid without being seen. There really is safety in numbers.
Lenore,
I love your site. I live in a small, older suburban neighborhood in Fairfax Co, VA. I was shocked when we moved to the neighborhood to find out that my son was supposed to take the bus to school. Seriously, the school is 0.7mi from our house. The first bus stop is 0.4mi from the school. I make my son walk – he’s walked to school since he was 7. People think I am CRAZY! I am the neighborhood “bad mom” because it’s just so dangerous. I have a kindred spirit in the mom whose house is in front of the 0.4 mi bus stop. She makes her child walk to school too. I tease her that she is the world’s meanest mom and it’s a laugh for both of us. Plus, because of when his younger brother gets out of preschool, my oldest comes home to an empty house for, heaven forbid, 15 minutes four days of the week. My son loves the freedom – he picks up bugs and cool rocks every day on the way to & from school. Says hi to all his friends and the people he’s met on his daily walks. He loves to race the bus because he knows that walking gets him home faster than the bus, and as he says, he gets to enjoy the fresh air. Frankly, considering violence and bullying on the bus (safety patrol officers who smash younger kids’ heads into the sidewalk and side of the bus) I think he is much safer walking. When he gets home, he gets to make his own snack – ramen noodles, yakasoba, (yes, he does know how to use the stove, oven and microwave), and sandwiches. Sometimes he gets out his cookbook and gets creative. It has been a fantastic experience for him – enough independence to enjoy growing up. So glad there are other parents who realize that our children grow up to be better, smarter, wiser and more interesting adults when they know how to handle freedom and be independent.
When I was growing up, my parents used me as their personal punching bag. When I was in the fourth grade, my grandfather decided that he liked little girls much better than he liked little old ladies and apparently thought that I was a rather good candidate for his newfound sexual appetite. Growing up, I seemed to always be playing the victim. Now I understand that psychologicaly people who have once been victims tend to become victims later in life because they “act” like a vicitm, leaving themselves vulnerable because they have very low self esteem and put themselves in positions to be hurt again because they start to think its “normal” or that they “deserve it” (not to say that it’s their fault, it is in no way their fault) My point is (and I know I took a rather long time getting to it), do we really want to put our children into the role of victem by being overly protective and by making them think that things like child abduction and random murder are “normal”. Even with the childhood I had, I allow my child to be, as you say, “free-range” because I know that the world can be a lot more dangerous inside one’s home than out.
One thing that bothers me most about my childhood (something that still upsets me to this day) is that my teachers and the other adults close to me never reported anything, even though, looking back, I exhibited many of the classic signs of abuse. The whole point of this comment (I bet you were wondering when I’d get to it) is that I think that teachers especially (but people in general also, extended family and neighbors) should stop worrying so much about a child getting abducted by a stranger walking home from school, or the many other things they worry about, and start learning the signs of child abuse. These include, but are most certainly not limited to:
Physical-injuries, Shaken Baby Syndrome and the lesser known Munchausen Syndrome, depression, anxiety, bedwetting, negative peer involvement, “mothering” other children, “acting up” to get attention, etc..
Sexual-Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation, seems distracted or distant at odd times, has a sudden change in eating habits,Sudden mood swings, Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues,Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places,thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad, etc
Neglect-Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention
Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
Lacks adult supervision
Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home
Emotional Abuse-aggression
» temper tantrums
» fights with peers and siblings
» bullying tactics
» frustrates easily
» disobedience
» lying and cheating
» destructive behaviours
» impulsive behaviours
» argumentative
» loud
» tease excessively
» worry excessively
» withdrawn
Also, remember that these signs alone (for example if a child is loud and argumentative, but otherwise normal) do not neccasarily point to abuse, it is the characteristics together that can show that a child is being abused, so you shouldn’t report every child that is has a small bruise on his knee, etc..
Sorry this post was so long, but I guess I had a lot to say.
There is something I’m curious about–is this still a class issue? About 15 years ago one of my Public Policy professors pointed out that her research in schools took her to hundreds of schools, and you could tell a working class (versus upper middle class) neighborhood and school right away because the kids were still somewhat independent. Does this difference still exist, or has the over-parenting extended all the way through society? Has Lenore talked to or heard from parents who are lower income, work in retail, living in public housing, or in lower middle class suburban neighborhoods? Do parents who work 2 jobs really not let their kids walk themselves home or cook dinner anymore? Are there parents who have deliberately stayed in a mixed income neighborhoods (rather than moving to the suburbs or a high-end NYC building) and what has their experience been?
When my daughter was 4 and 5, we picked her up from a preschool housed on the second floor of a church. Her little brother always held me up –either because he had to be carried or, when he was older, because he insisted on riding the elevator. Our five-year old would dash down the stairs and wait for us at the front of the building, either climbing a small tree or “surprising” us by hiding under a bench. Every time, the same ritual.
No one ever actually scolded me, but I could tell there was a little bemusement and concern from other parents who observed this. But I KNEW she could climb the tree, I knew she would not dash into the parking lot, and, of course, I knew that other parents would be around to witness what went on, for the whole extra minute it took me to get out the door.
You have to know your kid. . . and you also have to demonstrate to them in tangible ways that the universe is not an inherently dangerous place. For us, this little predictable ritual was a way for my daughter to spread her wings.
In CASE I needed justification for reading this book….
My just 6 year old (barely reading) picked up “Free Range” off my bed tonight and asked me what was happening in the picture on it’s cover?
She said what are the kids walking on?
I answered, “A wall, I guess.”
Unsure she replied, “Well, is there anything under the wall?”
I thought I knew where this was leading- so I said, “I guess not, why?”
She paused and said, “those two kids are walking on top of that wall and it’s dangerous!”
I answered, “That wall doesn’t look very high, does it?”
She paused again and said, “Well they could fall and get their clothes all dirty!”
I asked her, “Well what’s the worst that could happen if they fell?”
She said with alarm, “It’s just Dangerous!”
I could NOT believe it!
I bought this book last week when my 9 year old commented on a boy of similar age walking by himself down a completely safe, sunny neighborhood street in San Francisco, most likely on his way home from school. Both of my kids were aghast!! This particular neighborhood could be called Pleasantville.
How did this happen?? My husband aren’t hovercraft sorts and we don’t talk about death and destruction around the kids?
We were both as Free Range as they come….I might have even been the ORIGINAL LATCH KEY KID!
What makes kids this way?
I just heard about “free range” on the radio today and was so happy to hear that people are giving their children some freedom. Times have changed since I grew up. When I was 12 my mother let me and a few friends take the train (subway) all the way into Chicago so we could see the Christmas lights during the holiday. We would leave around 10am and be back around 5pm. We never had to call while we were there and they never really showed they were worried. All they did was make sure we had enough money and a map.
This would be unheard of in this day and age. I couldn’t even imagine seeing a 12 year old on a train with other 12 year olds. I think this may have been a little extreme but I truly believe that we need to empower our children. I have made a point to teach my daughter to say “help” when she needs it. She’s been saying that since about 16 months old (she’s 22 months now) and knows I come running (ok, maybe not running) when she yells out. We have a new swingset in the backyard (fenced) that sometimes she will play on for a few minutes by herself. I am usually looking on from the house. If we are in the front yard and I am weeding or something and she walks to the back I allow her to and give her some space. Little by little she needs to know that she doesn’t need me at every moment of the day.
I know grown adults who REFUSE to eat lunch by themselves. They have seriously told me “I can’t”. Why is it so difficult to eat alone? I find peace and time for reflection when I am able to sit alone. Why can’t our children do the same. I walked to school (4 blocks) by myself or with friends starting at 6 years old. This isn’t something that a child isn’t able to do, its something parents and authorities aren’t letting them do. It just sucks and we will all realize what we did wrong in 20 years when we have to hold our adult children’s hands on their first day of work!
A friend just sent me an article about Lenore and I’ve spent my morning following up. I am the mother of two “free range” kids, ages 3 and 5. They are adorable little blonde girls – any abductors dream. So, rather than be freaked out about it when they were 3 I made sure they both new our phone number – AND could dial it from any phone. I made sure they knew our address and how to get there, as well as the address of their grandparents, the names of their schools, etc. I made sure they knew that IF we got seperated in a crowd and they got scared they should ask someone for help. People in uniforms or working in shops were good bets because they were likely to have a phone that my girls could use to call us.
When “stranger danger” came up at school and my oldest daughter came home terrified and crying I reassured her that MOST strangers are safe. After all every friend you have was once a stranger! I reminded her to trust her instincts and that if someone ever asked her to do something she was uncomfortable with that she should say no and to never let anyone force her into anything she didn’t like. My daughter might be the shortest kid in school by a good 6 inches, but she’s tough. She climbs trees and knows to go as high as SHE feels comfortable – NOT as high as I feel comfortabe watching, the two are very different! She swims, she does flips at gymnastics. In any fight between her and an abductor, I’m putting my money on her!
And the germ thing – PLEASE. They’re germs, they’re not going to kill you, well most of them won’t. We’re spoiled Americans, we have safe drinking water pouring out our taps, flushing our toilets and filling our swimming pools. Sure, the guard rails of the NY subway might one day lead to an outbreak of the plague or god forbid swine flu (It’s a flu people), but then again tomorrow publisher’s clearing house could arrive on my door with a few million dollars. The odds are about the same, and you don’t see me racking up my shopping bills in expectation of the windfall!
By state law my children are not old enough to play at the park across the street from my house without me there. Thankfully I don’t yet have to keep them on a leash even when I am with them. I get looks from other moms because I let my girls play on thie big kid side of the playground instead of the baby/toddler side. I encourage them to do “dangerous” stunts, and applaud when they pull it off. I also don’t rush over to coddle them every time they skin their knee. They know how to assess the damages and ask for a bandaid if it’s serious.
When my daughters turn eight, they’ll get their first swiss army knives, and not the tiny ones with a nail file and some scissors, but a real one, big enough to gut a fish with.
We have to start allowing our children to be people, we have to listen to them when they tell us that they can do it by their self. They know what they are capable of, and it is our job to listen.
And yes, once I even let my girls eat a whole bag of candy in one sitting, and you know what, it didn’t kill them AND they’ve never asked again!!
Good luck to all you other free range parents, and thank you Lenore for helping us all come together and let our children breathe!!
Bree, you rock.
One idea I’d like to see emerge in the expanding (I hope it is, at least) Free-Range Kids Movement: the notion that sometimes bad things do happen (whether kids go Free Range or are kept under lock and key), and usually people survive and turn out okay, anyway — and that the strength of self kids gain by being allowed some freedom and self-reliance can make a big difference.
Nobody should ever have to be abused, molested, raped, etc., especially not kids; likewise, it’s awful to break a leg or an arm and have to spend time recuperating. On the other hand, if more people who had been through that sort of thing eventually got around to publicly saying, “Hey, you know what — I’m okay now,” maybe we could all breathe a little easier.
We have this notion that traumatic experiences destroy lives permanently — but the truth is that they don’t have to. I had a terrible, ongoing experience as a young teenager — the kind of sadistic sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted family friend that’s supposed to break people forever. I was a free-range kid, but this situation would probably have occurred either way.
Simply put, it didn’t.
Sure, I had some really dark times — but I’m now a well-adjusted, successful young man with a steady job, no destructive vices, good friends. I am not haunted by my past, nor am I emotionally distraught. Had I lived under lock and key before that time, I really think things might’ve been different. When you grow up with freedom, you learn to believe in yourself and your own ability in ways you might otherwise not.
I believe I owe a lot of my resiliency to the fact that I was allowed considerable freedom as a kid. Instead of feeling guilty for not protecting me better, I think my Mom should feel proud of herself for allowing me to develop the strength not only to survive, but to thrive.
First I must confess, I have no free-range ideas right now. I’m a bit glum after reading some posts on our local parenting community website/forum, and thought I’d share here.
The question a poster asked was: “How strict are you on helmet use?”
Now, before you all jump on me how free-rangers DO support helmet usage, let’s look at a few responses…
“I don’t even let my dd sit on her bike unless she has her helmet on. One small error and she could crack her head on the ground whether she is riding or just sitting. I’m not willing to take that chance….”
“dd (2.5) is allowed to ride her tricycle inside without her helmet, but outside she has to wear it…even on the balcony. I suppose we could have told her she has to wear it inside too, but we never thought of that.”
“We are very stricked with this rule, I also make my son were a helmet while playing hockey because my son was playing with a friend a while ago and he got hit across the side of the head with a hockey stick. I was not home when it happend. But the rule now is helmet with the hockey and mommy feels better.”
“We’re strict, too. Anything with wheels needs a helmet. Bikes, trikes, ride-on toys, scooters. We’re going to get an extra helmet so visiting friends can play, too…. The kids point out adults and kids alike when riding their bikes, declaring “that’s not safe!” or “that boy is being safe!” depending on whether they are wearing one. heh.”
And comments about “don’t forget ice-skating, horseback riding, skiing, skateboarding, etc.”
Ok. So why do I find those comments disturbing? (And does anyone else, or is it just me??) After all, maybe the parents just want to make an easy, straightforward rule – any wheels = helmet. Which doesn’t explain why none of them wear helmets in cars, or shopping carts…but, I digress.
My kid is only of tricycle and ride-on toy age. I’ll enforce that he must wear a helmet when he gets to the age where he’s riding a bike on roads, because it is the law here, and because yes, it is a reasonable thing to do.
My question is – where do we draw the line? If we support helmets, why not for jogging? Why not for playing? Why not in the car, or in shopping carts? My son likes to spin in circles looking at the sky. I wish he’d do it on the grass, but I don’t stop him when he does it on the concrete patio. Should I stop him? Should I make him wear a helmet?
I’m pretty sure if people wore helmets 24×7 we’d have less head injuries. After all, 5 kids were killed in 2006 by a head injury from their television. If those kids watching TV had been wearing a helmet, they’d still be here today.
I wish I could comment on threads like the one I encountered in a way that helps steer things away from hyper-competitive uber-safe judgemental parenting and more towards reasonable risk analysis. But I don’t know how, so I just stay silent.
This site has so much wonderful info i think it should be categorized a bit more b/c while i want to read everything, i want to be able to find the topics i am interested in much more quickly.
I live in nyc and I would love to see ideas about raising free-range kids of all ages, especially when there’s no backyard to speak of. I had an incredibly controlled upbringing and i know i want to raise my kids to be self-confident and adventurous and have lots of freedom but i have NO IDEA what actionable steps to take. I have no idea how to translate philosophy into concrete ideas. I’d love to see a tab of free-range ideas for the suburbs and another for the city. We had a yard growing up and we were never allowed to leave it; moreover we had very strict rules about how to play in that yard.
so i feel i am off to a rocky start: how do i raise that child to be free in a city when i can’t use my own childhood as an example b/c i grew up with no freedom in the suburbs?
thank you!
My mother recently asked why so many of my friends from High School are moving to Brooklyn as they have or get ready to have kids, rather than out to the town on Long Island where I grew up, or another suburb? It’s a similar commute to a lot of these Brooklyn neighborhoods she says, “don’t they want their kids to be safe to go around on their own and play with other kids? ” “Oh, no one lets them do that anymore anyway,” I say. We agree this is sad, and I’m not 100% sure it’s true of the town I mostly grew up in (who knows, maybe it’s an exception).
When I was growing up, we wandered around town with friends, going to parks, the beach, to stores, to nearby towns, to shopping centers, finding other kids, starting with our own street, then the small store around the corner that you didn’t have to cross any streets to go to (where we bought candy cigarettes!) at age 5, progressing to other areas as we got older.
My brother is 10 years younger, I babysat for him all the time, in middle school if I had a school event at night and my parents had plans, my parents would hire a sitter, I would get a ride home, pay the sitter and she could leave, then I would make dinner and put him to bed. I took the Red Cross babysitting certificate after school in 6th grade, and started babysitting for lots of other kids, including babies. I think the legal age in NY is (or was) 12 for babysitting (other people’s kids).
Babysitting may be the only legal work a 12 year old can do, and it is one of the best ways/reasons to learn responsibility: responsibility for others makes us responsible people! Despite having a great babysitter, my brother apparently was a free range kid, at least once he got his bike, he rode all over town with friends, or to meet friends, he even broke his arm popping wheelies.
Neither my parents nor I helicoptered him, he just turned 21 so this wasn’t *that* long ago.
Each of our kids had a major “free range” experience as teens in northern Indiana. My then-15-year old daughter took multiple planes to Quebec, 17-year-old son (and friend) drove to a New York sports camp, 17-year old next son drove home from Canada, and 16-year old daughter took a train from Indiana to Tennessee. Each seemed more confident upon return.
Mijn zoon van 12 jaar wil deze zomer naar Eurodisney in Parijs. Hij kan geen vriend van zijn leeftijd vinden die mee mag van zijn ouders, helaas!
My son of 12 year old would like to travel from The Netherlands to EuroDisney in Paris – France. He can not find a friend of his own age who is allowed to go by their parents, unfortunately!
My son went to his grandma and grandpa by train alone when he was 6 years old.
He bought his own boots when he was 7 years old, and got the money back from me ofcourse.
He went to his other grandma on his own when he was 8 years old. He had to take two trains and a bus to get there in 1,5 hour. He felt confident and proud doing it.
My children always went to school by themselves from 4 years old. Just occasionally I bring them or get them.
Other parents have the idea we don’t care for their safety, but we do!!!
My daughter of 9 on her bike was stopped by the police. They had followed her for a while and saw how she took traffic roundabouts and how she looked around and indicated when turning corners. Then the police asked her who had taught her to ride her bike so well. She said: by myself and by my parents. Then she got a keyring and a compliment from the police. She is very proud of it.
They both travel by themselves. When they were under 8 years old, they always had a note with them with saying: I am .. years old, and I am able to travel alone. You can call my parents if you doubt it (and then my number). Because it happens adults don’t understand and bring my children home against their will. !!
Before cell phones!!!
My daughter started going to the orthodontist by her herself at 10 or 11 yrs old.
We live on the upper west side of Manhattan, she was perfectly capable of walking from school to the dentist, and walking home, about 20 block trip all together.
Seemed like the logical thing for her to do on her own it was such a routine monthly visit and the doctor never said a word to me anyway.
I’m for free range but I don’t have kids. I do have a question though. Today at a street fair, in front of one of the bands, a kid was jumping around and dancing. An old man started grabbing the kid’s hands to dance with him and his parents pulled him away, telling him not to do that and his mother danced with him instead. Soon after they walked off, leaving the old man with the rest of the audience collecting around. I didn’t think the man was really any threat. He seemed pretty harmless and too old to really grab the kid up and run anywhere. My question is Do you think the parents over reacted?
Street fair guy in Bay Ridge, perhaps. Hard to say. As free range as I like to think of myself, I would’ve been a bit…taken aback, but I think I would’ve just moved close to my child and watched. And talked about it to my child afterwards…what it felt like, etc. A shame, but I would’ve been on guard. I don’t think I would’ve grabbed my kid away though.
I let my kids run with a much longer leash than what a lot of people find acceptable. But I know my kids, and I know what they are capable of doing. I know that my oldest four year old can cross the street safely and he can make sure my three year old stays in line. My kids can play on our cul de sac without supervision (and without any other kids because no one else will let their kids out of the house) and know to get on the grass if a car comes. They know their address, phone number and exactly how far they can wander before they will get into trouble. My four year old can even tell the time he must be back home, on an analog watch no less.
When people express worries about my kids and me letting them out into the world, I tell them “Your worrying and looking out for my kids proves that they are safe. You prove that people are generally good and are looking out for the vulnerable in society. Thank you.”
You would be amazed how well that works.
Angela, that “get on the grass when you see a car” is brilliant. So is telling folks who express concern that their concern is a sign that they’re looking out for your kids. Good going.
I’m a single dad, with full custody of my daughter. I’ve been terrified to let my ex have full custody since a police man brought my daughter to her mother’s home to find her asleep in bed at 11am. This was 4 years ago.
I heard your short on NPR today and it got me thinking. I’ve got a 7 year old who is very independent, but has a mommy that has to be court supervised only because of a 4 year old incident. He mother has grown since then, and has kept good care of her for the last 2 years.
Since my only issue with her mother was negligence, I think it’s time to give my daughter her mommy back. My daughter is old enough to look after herself and old enough to tell me when something goes wrong.
Thank you,
A less stressed single father.
BTW I’m requesting your book for Father’s day.
I’ve been reading along for a while now.
I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work
I heard the interview on NPR yesterday, found it refreshing to hear of someone who wasn’t paranoid about letting kids be kids…
As the father of a five year old daughter, I have to battle with my wife more then anyone else to give my daughter more freedom to explore…
As for the interview… there were some statistics mentioned about how the safety of a child is better today then it was in years past. Now, you do have to wonder if that decrease in problems related to kids being harmed, etc… is a result of people being more restrictive on what their children can do alone.
Having said that, I sure hope to allow my daughter to ride the mile or walk the 1/2 mile or so to school on a nice day when she’s 10 or 12 years old… But I don’t plan on letting her do that much before that age. Even though when I was a kid (different location) I walked about a half mile every single day to school… My mother tells me that my oldest sister walked that same walk I did from the time she was 5 years old till she till she went on to Jr High, when she walked an even longer walk each day…
I will be a free range parent to the extent that I can… but still there really is a fine line between allowing your children freedom to do things ‘we did’ as kids.. and being neglectful. I hope I can find a balance between the two extremes.
I don’t have time to read the 200+ comments but I love this idea. I’m only 22, but the way I grew up is so different from the way kids grew up today. I saw an earlier poster mention the best thing her parents did for her was force her to find answers on her own. Here’s my $.02
The best thing my mom ever did for me was tell me: “I’m not raising helpless children.” If I asked her for help with something and she knew I was a) being lazy or b) capable of figuring it out myself then that was her answer. I mean, she helped out when she needed to, but it worked. It made me think and reason and become resourceful.
I don’t think we give kids enough credit anymore. Let them solve problems, let them think and create. My parents were [over]protective but gave me as much freedom as they could without having panic attacks. I think we should at least give our kids that much.
Good work.
I do think a separate message board (either on here or linked to somewhere else such as a proboards site) would be immensely helpful for discussing the matters involved in what ought to be normal parenting. We’ve all got children of varying ages and live in various places, so what to let children do when and how is going to vary accordingly. Please consider setting up such a forum!
I just found out that my kids can’t play tag at school. Nor can they jump off the swings as they slow down. Come on, it’s dangerous, but we ALL did that as kids. At least they aren’t using wax paper on the metal slide to go faster! There are no merry-go-rounds. The madness must stop. Let’s let kids be kids! Let them play the schoolyard games like tag – they will learn how to play it responsibly, or they will learn that accidents happen, etc.! Plus, I maintain that Tag isn’t really the problem here. If Tag is so dangerous that kids can’t play it, then there is a much larger problem with our society underneath. You know what I think would fix that problem? A year of playing Tag!
For a short time I was a playground supervisor for an elementary school. It nearly killed me to have to tell kids they weren’t allowed to jump off the swings. Those are some of my best memories.
I haven’t seen much about what you all think about the Internet.
If any parent is wondering what to do about that situation, I would recommend Woogi World.
It’s a virtual world that helps children learn how to have good ethics online while playing (and learning) independently. Parents are encouraged to participate, but they don’t have to HOVER. You know, the hovering is not awesome.
and kids love it.
Cathy, don’t know what the waxed paper thing is about, but I remember at age 7 putting on my skates and swinging as high as my backyard swingset swing would go, then jumping off. What a rush!
I do have a word about playground merry-go-rounds. When my kids were preschoolers, we parents would pick them up from school and hang out for a while at the playground before taking them home. They seemed to have a visceral need to swing or rock during that transition time. There was always a parent (usually a dad) who, at the kids’ behest, would get the MGR going at breakneck speed, which I would politely protest. It’s my belief that playground items should only go as fast as they kids themselves can make them go. If you want to do the tilt-a-whirl thing, please do it with your own kids only. The thing that sent me over the top was when these dads would look at me puzzled and say, “But the kids LIKE it.” DUH. So do you feed them ice cream for dinner?
to the woman on the elevator at the Y, who lets her 3 year old go the stairs alone: you’re seriously naive. Believe it or not, stuff can happen in 30 seconds. I fear for you idiots who really just don’t want to bother with your kids, or really don’t have a clue because nothing bad has ever happened to you or yours- yet. But, be prepared, because I can see many of you just begging for it.
–grama who HAS seen it happen, and had to learn the hard way NOT to be like you
about the street fair: better safe, than sorry. a child might not be immediately snatched by the old man, but maybe he would try. here is the point: children are LEARNING. that incident taught the child how to be safe around strangers: don’t let them just come and touch you, grab your hands even, or any part of you, randomly. I am appalled at Yam eretz’ ignorant response to your question. to allow it, would tell the child, it’s okay!
more idiots, setting up their kids for victimization. great. One or more of you might have to hide from this reading public, a year or two from now, when something happens to your kid because you don’t know your head from a hole in the ground and are experimenting with your kid’s safety in inappropriate ways. I wonder if you will come on here and warn anyone or tell of your stupidity that resulted in your child being traumatized because of your lack of vigilance, attention, or awareness. Your risk taking may cost your child. why would you go there? or even chance it? your kid must be a real burden to you, you must have better things to do, so you are doing the “early release of responsibility” thing. Or, “society will take care of my kid for me” thing. sorry, the day will come when those myths will get shattered. there are people (predators) hunting for kids like yours, with parents like you. you might have met them and don’t know it.
And like one other reader remarked, please stop saying “kids” when you cannot possibly lump all kids and all situations together! there are huge differences in settings and abilities.
aw well, i guess i care a lot more than you do, this just roils me at the uncaring lackadaisical attitudes i see here. “oh let’s try this and see if the kids survive it” yeah sure why not. “let’s see how far the unpredictable world will go when we remove our protections of our children” okay, i see.
I’M SORRY, YOU ARE ASKING FOR TROUBLE IN TOO MANY OF THESE POSTS. i have seen too much happen to think your kids are as safe as you would like them to be. wishful thinking does not equal reality. And to the woman who started this “movement”; can’t you see what you’re doing? your kids might be a lot safer than some of these, but you are encouraging the ones who don’t have a clue, to neglect their kids. They might not have even one ounce of sense, and your push seems to allow them to justify things you would never allow yourself, for you own kids.
DW: “I’m appalled at Yam’s ignorant response to your question.” I had to check back to read what I’d written. I believe my response was quite considered: To move in closer, and talk about it to my child afterward. I didn’t write, “Sure. The mom should’ve let her kid dance and gone off to buy some popcorn.” That might’ve been appalling…
DW, your post was so poorly written and poorly thought out that it’s very difficult to take it seriously.
And thank God I love my four kids so much that I’ve taught them how to be safe in today’s VERY SAFE WORLD.
Sandra, nice try, but your undeserved critique of my post will never discourage me from writing the truth, nor will it fool anyone else into believing you. did you make any original or worthwhile point in yours? NO.
yam. your kid would have assumed, that because mom and dad allow it, they just watch and don’t intervene; that it’s always okay for strangers to come up and touch , grab, and move them around, even when parents are not around. and that is bad news for your kid! DIDN’T YOU NOTICE, the old man initiated the contact, the child didn’t? you are scarey in your yes, IGNORANCE, of what healthy boundaries for kids are; and what a reasonably protective parent acts like or DOESN’T act like. this column definitely attracts the fringe. i so hope you don’t have any kids til you wake up to reality.
Thanks, Sandra. DW, I doubt the truly neglectful parents, i.e., the ones you hear about leaving their toddler (whose dad’s identity is indeterminate), unsupervised while they go out to find their next fix, are surfing the Web to find fodder for their “parenting philosophy”.
oh and here’s another thought: the parents on this column, who think they have freen range kids when that free range is restricted to their private property…hahaha . that’s laughable. Private property, or even rural settings, in no way resemble the mean streets and the public neighborhood city settings that others are referring to. Also, it’s idiotic to assume that some building that seems like a neat place such as, the YWCA, is inherently safe. ALL kinds of people frequent such places, and even homeless people stay in the upstairs rooms of some of them. You don’t have any clue who is traveling those stairs if you let your 3 year old walk them while you take the elevator….wow. There is so much naievete on this page. What is wrong with you, that you cannot even foresee the possibility, that one day that elevator door could open, and you walk out, to discover, that your child has simply vanished (at the hand of that stranger waiting on the stairs after he scoped you two out). They do that, for your information. And the fact that you do it habitually, makes it even easier for a predatory person to scope you out. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS HEALTHY FEAR, it keeps people from having tragedies in their lives. You don’t have to stifle your kids- just give them truly safe settings before you loosen your reins.
yam: you are clearly inexperienced and are referring to stereotypes. reality is what’s needed here. you are completely wrong if you think that the only kids who suffer are the ones who are illegitimate, or their parents are looking for drugs. Some of their parents are just plain average or above average intelligence people who are better at typing than raising kids or knowing what’s good for them. They simply have no clue because they haven’t really developed much in the area of parenting. they focus on other things and don’t get it for a few decades, unfortunately some of them have hard lessons that happen to their kids.
DW, note that I added that I would discuss it with my kid afterwards. Someone who’s “better at typing than child-rearing” is unlikely to do that. I actually have three responsible, independent kids aged 18, 17, and 12. I realize that with parenting, you never “spike the ball” (to take a phrase from the film “Parenthood”), but I’m proud of the job I’ve done so far and the results. I wish the same for you and everyone else here.
i didn’t see even one thing in Bree’s post that said free range. it was middle of the road, really , fairly moderate. so what’s with people claiming they have free range kids, when they’re not? What exactly is the definition everyone is using to compare ?
oh, the old man at the street fair, who grabbed the kid’s hands. who would know whether he was clean or not? maybe he had slept in the alleys, had some disease all over him, or whatever. maybe he smelled of urine or booze ??? who knows? those parents did the right thing. “if you err, err in favor of the child’s safety and welfare” which is far more important than letting them have new experiences of dancing with elderly aggressive unknown strangers.
just a little anecdote, so cute.
my old friend had a 2 year old son, a beautiful boy , the first born. he had a fun game at bathtime. he would throw an empty lotion bottle into the bathtub, then jump in after it. cute huh?
So one day the mom, dad and son, went on vacation to a large lake, on a houseboat. they brought their best friend, a young lady.
The friend was watching the boy, while the parents went off to do something nearby.
They came back, and checked around for their son. he had been in the houseboat only minutes before.
Well, eventually, they called the police, and the lake was dragged, it took a very long time…they finally found the boy’s body under the dock right next to the houseboat.
They also found an empty plastic bottle floating nearby.
Of course, the boy had thrown the empty bottle into the lake, and jumped in after it. Just the same as he did when jumping into the bathtub at home. Only this wasn’t home.
Then a few years later, the neighbors next to this same friend of mine, had an in-ground pool which illegally was open and exposed with no fence around it in a suburban neighborhood. I encouraged her to call and report this, since the neighbor refused to fence it. The little kids in the neighborhood had full access if they so chose, unsupervised. But this same mom, whose son had drowned, refused to call anyone about the open pool.
So you see there are always going to be those others who create hazards that you might not realize, in the neighborhoods. It only takes ONE to facilitate a potentially harmful incident.
This same mom also, after her next daughter was born, and at about age 5; took the child to a deep river in the dark, for a walk. the girl waded out about 3 feet, and I happened to come across them in the park at that moment. I was so shocked, to see the girl in the river in the dark; if she walked out another foot or 2, it would drop off to about 12 foot deep water . so i had some words to the mom, as to how could she allow this after her son had drowned? “i didn’t know it dropped off” uh huh. yeah , she could not SEE that it did! so don’t let your kid wade out where you cannot see it! BASIC LESSON HERE, PLEASE APPLY TO YOUR SITUATION.
so you see, there are things you do not realize that can happen. There are the unthinking risk takers, and then there are people who, if they are available, will sometimes save the day for their kids (if they are lucky).
previous to being a mom, this woman as a teen had done risky foolish things too, like climb on the overpass freeway signs and stand over the traffic that whizzed by below… for kicks etc.
Some people take unecessary risks with themselves, AND their kids. It only takes a few minutes for stuff to happen.
ALL of this post is from some real life experiences over the years.
sorry, yam. i really thought you had NO kids. i guess some people kind of forget after their kids get older, what it’s like for the little ones. O rmaybe they never really knew.
Statistics. it is being claimed by some, here, that it’s “safer” now than the 70s or 80’s? well, i don’t really know what kind of statistics you are interpreting. BUT, let’s realize, that the SAFETY conscious among us, are the ones making sure that things are safe and under control . There seem to be others, who aren’t really too concerned, and don’t realize, that the safety conscious ones are the ones making the statistics as “safe” rated as they are! but conversely the less safety conscious ones, the risk takers who goofed, are the ones who would contribute to the danger statistics.
By the way, i believe in letting kids grow, learn autonomy and develop, but not inappropriately or in an unknown environment that is really not that secure, due to the many other people who help to create the variables that can and DO happen.
The reason that some neighborhoods and hotspots like school areas are safe and have low statistics of incidents, is this: most parents say, “yeah, but I won’t allow it to be MY kid that becomes that 1 out of 10,000 statistic”. As opposed to the parent that says, “oh, it’s only 1 out of 10000 kids who get abducted, so my kid is PROBABLY safe without my supervision.” You see, it is more likely to be that one kid, whose parents rely on the lower crime statistics, and lower their level of watchfulness etc. Lowering their standards of protection because of a statistic is a bad idea, they are then making themselves that one that the incident is likely to happen to.
I heard you on ABC (Australia) Radio National this morning and it made my day after years of watching the increasingly cotton wool wrapped kids of today.
My husband, who is 66, grew up on a farm in S.A. and spent a lot of time by himself as a young child with horse, dog and gun.
But the story I like to tell to parents who molly-coddle is when he was seven years old and his sister five, he drove them both to school five miles away every day in a horse drawn jinker.
His sister liked to lean over the side and watch the wheels go around. One day she leant too far and fell out. Frank got down to help her and the horse took off to home. They had to walk.
Can you imagine parents today seeing the horse and jinker arrive minus kids (let alone letting them go in the first place) without a mobile phone to contact them?
As a result Frank has grown into a self sufficient farmer who can do practically every job that is requred around the farm. He is also emotionally and intellectually mature and is a thoroughly lovely person.
I despair for my grandchildren in this environment. But good for you for raising the issue and making it public. Let’s hope we can reverse this dreadful state of affairs and give children an opportunity to be children; to grow up fearless yet responsible with confidence in their own abilities, and also throw off this paranoid sense that everybody is to be treated with suspicion.
I have also experienced other parents horror and condemnation for simply letting my kids go to the local shops. I love the term ‘helicopter’ parent, being a parent who can’t stop hovering over their kids, and am happy to announce that I am not one of these.
My theory is that it is about staged risk. Allowing risk in increments, extending it as they get more confident. So, they are allowed out into the front yard (when they have road sense), then allowed to the local park, with a friend, then allowed to go the local shops, then the mall on a bus.
I also bought walkie-talkies- who wants a 9 year old with a mobile phone, not me. They are free to talk to me as much as you like, and had a 6km range- they never went that far. But if they needed me or I suddenly got worried about them, which happens, they let me know where they were. They also knew someone was there if needed. Ok and I used to sing to them over the walkie-talkie -”You are so beautiful to meeeee’, which caused them huge embarassment. So it was probably more fun for me.
Now one incident gave me cause for concern then happiness. My daughter said that she and a friend noticed a man behaving oddly when they were on a playing field. They were worried, so they left the playing field and walked to the local shops, while keeping an eye out for him. What was good about this experience? Firstly- they noticed someone behaving strangely and secondly, they reacted appropriately and confidently. She said that she thought it would be a good idea to stay somewhere visible, and move towards an area where more people were. Good survival skills, which is a skill for life- how to spot and avoid trouble.
My two girls are now young teens, confident and independent, and able to get themselves around on bike and buses. I worry that their friends who don’t end up heavily reliant on parents, don’t have any initiative and take big risks instead of smaller ones.
Hey, Melissa, just yesterday a neighbor whose kids are 9 and 6 told me she uses a walky-talky! Now why didn’t I think of that? Good going, and your daughter sounds like a smart young person.
How on Earth did we end up in this mess … it can’t all be CSI can it? Why did our parents treat us differently? Currently irritated at a mum’s report to my wife’s book group that I was quite a hands-off parent because I wasn’t in her sight when she came to pick up a friend’s kids from our fenced yard.
I am all for free range children. Children need to make choices and decisions and also learn from the outcome of their choices. I loved what ‘tc’ wrote, “she rarely does because she can.” I have found this to be oh so true in many different ages. While growing up my parents were extremely over protective..which made me want to rebel, on the other hand i had a best friend who had parents that were more free range. She never felt the need to rebel (drink, smoke etc.) I also have a niece who has over protective parents who do not let her eat sugar. While at a birthday party a few years ago, she was found in the closet litterally stuffing her face with candy, like she couldn’t get enough of the forbidden sugar!
I’d like to see the real statistics of bedding babies down with the mom. I’ve done the “family bed” thing for two of my kids and I’ve a third one on the way.
I still hear about how dangerous this is suppose to be and I have yet to see it. A mom isn’t going to roll over on her child if:
1) she’s facing the child. This requires the arm to be out stretched and not likely to encourage rolling forward.
2) she isn’t sick. A fever or other illness that could cause a deeper sleep than normal will interrupt the ability to wake up.
3) she hasn’t consumed anything that leaves her groggy or makes her sleep. For some people this *can* be Tylenol, but for most people? It takes a bit: codeine, sleeping pills, alcohol, recreational drugs, mental health medications. These can all leave you groggy or put you to sleep and thus not respond to stimuli around you. For that matter, I wouldn’t want to take any of these without someone else in the house to respond to the baby even IF the baby was in it’s own crib. I’m not sure I would wake up for the baby.
It’s called common sense!
If we are going to talk about setting in a mindframe that doesn’t overprotect our kids, let’s start as early as possible. I slept practically full nights (excepting for the occasional diaper change that was my turn), thus was calmer and more ready to greet the day. My kids are confident because they never had to worry about if mom or dad wouldn’t respond this time as babies.
At 6 and 8, my kids have wandered the neighbourhood with their friends and the worst I get is the eventual kneescrape or *susie’s being mean mommy* coming through the door. BTW, my response to the complaint about “susie” is to send the kids right back out to talk to them or “susie’s” parents. I don’t fight their battles, they can learn to talk it out. If they need help after that, then I’ll help mediate, but they still do the talking.
That said, I do not let my son ride his bike to school on his own. This has to do with a 1km ride, crossing very busy streets *and more importantly* my son’s lack of attention to his surroundings. He is constantly getting distracted by a million things and I’ve seen him stop in the middle of a busy crosswalk to stare at a bug he saw…after starting across without bothering to check for traffic. I’m after him constantly to check and to move quickly, but this is one of those slow lessons…sigh..heheh. Luckily, his big sister is more than aware enough that I can let them go together..she likes the responsibility.
Angelica, you are correct. The family bed (co-sleeping, whatever you’d like to call it) is much safer than crib sleeping. Not to mention it’s natural, normal, loving, and a great gift to give a baby. I’ll bet the horror stories we all hear (few and far between, thank God) leave out the fact Mom or Dad took a sleeping pill, had a drink, were on medication, or were on a couch or other place rather than a safe bed. I lovingly co-slept with all four of my children (and still am!) and I reap the rewards every day of a secure, confident, loved, attached baby. What an awesome thing. I wish cribs would go off the market altogether!
http://www.mothering.com/how-stats-really-stack-cosleeping-twice-safe
If you haven’t read Meredith Small’s “Our Babies, Ourselves”, pick up a copy. It explains the history and biological necessity for baby to be next to mama all the time. Babies were NEVER meant to sleep away from parents. Fascinating read, it really is.
I let my 3 month old son sleep on his belly in his crib (gasp!), and he also sleeps with me at night. The whole “back to sleep thing” is good, but does anyone remember that we all grew up sleeping on our bellies because our moms were told that if we slept on our backs we would chock on our spit up and DIE? Well, now we are being told that if we put our babies on their stomaches to sleep they will DIE in their sleep of SIDS. SIDS is a horrible thing, and I’m glad that research is being done about ways to prevent it, but we all survived!! I mentioned in passing at a women’s group that the only way my son would sleep in his crib is if he was on his belly, and you would have thought that I had just mentioned that I left him in the crib with a burning candle, or something similar. Any thoughts, or am I the only *bad* parent who doesn’t abide by the “back to sleep”rule?
By the way, I have a 7 year old and 4 year old, and they walk across the street together to play at a friends’ house unsupervised. We live on a very quiet street, and there are usually other parents out there watching the kids. I end up feeling guilty because it’s like I’m obligating them to watch my kids for me, when in reality I don’t expect anyone to watch them. Any thoughts on this??
momOf2, unfortunately, it doesn’t necessarily break down like that, i.e., if kids are given freedom, they won’t make lousy choices. I know people who smoked pot with their parents, and they are now themselves stoners, not people I’d want to co-parent with. I myself was a laughingstock because I wouldn’t let my kids eat sugar ’til they were two, and then limited it, and now all my kids eat more healthfully than I do — much more fruits and vegetables are consumed by them than by me.
Angelica, good point: “I wouldn’t want to take any of these [response-impairing substances] without someone else in the house to respond to the baby even IF the baby was in its own crib.”
I also made getting a full night’s sleep a priority when my kids were babies, and felt I was a better, calmer, more in-control parent because of it. Many would call my methods draconian (letting them cry at two months – 18 min. on Night One, zero crying four nights later), but our household was sane: No matter how crazy the day, the knowledge that at 20:00 I would be “child-free” made all the difference. And so did all family members knowing what to expect, when.
I also like sending your kids right back out to talk to the kid who’s being mean. When I was five, I was mean to my play-date host, and the next time I came over to play, Host’s mom said to me, “Last time you were here, Cathy was all bent outta shape. I won’t have that happening again”. I behaved myself after that.
Leah, interesting question about other people watching your kids whether you asked them to or not. Where I live, some parents accompany their kids to birthday parties. I never did, reasoning that if you’re inviting my kid over, you’re assuming responsibility for her. I was confident that my kids were no trouble, and never got called to come get them. I also extended the same courtesy, but never let my kids invite more guests than I could handle. It’s called reciprocity.
Leah don’t feel guilty. You’re not expecting them to watch them and if they feel that they are expected to it’s entirely their problem. I personally don’t have a problem keeping a benign eye out on my entire suburb and have picked up old ladies and taken them to the local doctor, driven an intellectually impaired person to the bus station, and have rescued all manner of stray dogs.
If a child fell off a bicycle I would rush to help them and my last thought would be of an ‘irresponsible’ parent who let their child out to enjoy life but had an accident. I last fell off my bike when I was 35 years old and someone helped me. I didnt think they were obliged to, they just helped someone in need- and amazingly no-one blamed my mother!!!
My belief is that the more kids who are out on the streets playing the better, kids in groups are no target for predators, too much of a challenge, too many witnesses.
Leah, here’s something to chew on. Before the BTS campaign, autopsies were rarely performed on babies who “died in their sleep”, meaning all deaths that weren’t obvious traumas were called SIDS. After the BTS campaign, autopsies are not more routinely performed, meaning docs are finding heart defects, tracheal abnormalities, spinal defects, and other causes of death. The stats are false – they say the BTS campaign has reduced SIDS by 50% – it’s simply reduced SIDS on death certificates. Infant mortality hasn’t decreased. It’s a false statistic.
FWIW, all four of mine slept on their tummies from birth, safe and sound in my bed where they were parented to sleep (because parenting is a 24 hour job, not when it’s convenient, so I never left them to cry alone – basically, I’m teaching them how to take care of me when I’m 100 – I may be fed and dry, but I may still need love at 10 at night, and I would hate to be ignored!). I never lost a minute of sleep over it, and my kids all slept fantastic.
Yam: I myself was a laughingstock because I wouldn’t let my kids eat sugar ’til they were two, and then limited it, and now all my kids eat more healthfully than I do — much more fruits and vegetables are consumed by them than by me.
You are not alone…in fact, you gave your kids sugar sooner than I did. I waited until mine were 3 years old. So no trick or treating until they were 3-4 years old. And that so-called “rite of passage” at a year old with the chocolate all over their face? come on! I just can’t see the point. Worry so much about their health until they are a year old and then throw it out the window in one big bash? Never did make sense to me. My kids got Orange/Carrot muffins that they devoured and made enough of a mess of…oh…and no dairy either. After three, while they were allowed sweets, they rarely finished them and when given the choice, 9/10 of the time, they chose a piece of fruit.
Even now, their candies from each holiday is still around by the next holiday and I’m having to throw a lot of it out. I can leave their candy within reach even…and not a one gets eaten for days…or sometimes weeks. Frozen fruit puree pops are plenty enough sweet, thank you.
Oh, and as for choices, I remember going for a walk with my dtr in a stroller (21mo old), trying to get my son to pop out and I had forgotten a snack for my dtr. So we hit a grocery store and went down the cookie/cracker aisle. I gave my dtr a choice (as I always had) of 2 items (NOT the whole aisle). She made her choice, I put it in the buggy and suddenly I was accosted by some old nagging granny who told me in no uncertain terms I was harming my child by letting her have her own way and that I was setting myself up for agonies later as my dtr would have tantrums to get what she wanted. I’m like, huh? It was a choice of 2 and my dtr must now live with the fact that she made her choice…I wasn’t going back for the other one. BTW, it was a choice of Veggie Thins or Breton Minis.
To this day, my child know how to make a choice and stick with it. They also know how to make compromises and share. There are no massive tantrums over what they want, a simple explanation as to why not settles any fussiness. Yes, horrors! I taught my children choices and consequences from a very young age and I taught them that I would respect their opinions and give them their choices if it doesn’t matter otherwise. I’m such a “horrible” mom….snrk!!
Angelica you put it so well, i.e., “the rite of passage” at age one year with chocolate smeared all over her face”. I never understood what folks thought was cute about this. Yes, chocolate is one of life’s pleasures. So is sex. Do we show them erotic films at age 10?
My friends and I have all read “Free-Range Kids” in the last month. It is changing the tone of our neighborhood, as we all sing the praises of “Free Range” together. We tell each other our stories and embrace each others bravery as we slowly let go and encourage our kids.
We can do this because, working as a group, we are transforming our neighborhood into the kind of place where kids can be “Free Range”. We are working with the HOAs to bring awareness to traffic speed. We watch and report on kid activity (i.e. My girlfriend called me while Nate was playing on the other side of the neighborhood and said, “I saw your son riding is bike today and he was doing great…helmet and all!).
Today, I let my son ride his bike to his friends house (crossing a couple of streets) where he tells me he explored a creek (w/o a life jacket), climbed rocks (?), and searched an attic for robbers (holy crap, WHAT!). But here’s the thing, his friends’ parents are good people who knew what the kids were up to. The father’s an ATF agent, so I was pretty sure there wasn’t going to be any Alcohol, Tobacco, or Firearms. The kids were inside the neighborhood, and my son came home right on time.
Best of all, at 8 yrs old, he’s having the time of his life. Just like I did when I was his age.
I have one for you. One of my daughter’s friends spent a few days with us as her parents wanted to go on a short little trip together. I told them that would be no problem, after all what is one more. Anyway we went on a little planned trip of our own, which meant dinners at resturants and seeing the sights. I spent so much of my time, the first dinner out, teaching the girl (age 10) basic manners at the table, my food got cold. The next meal we had was at a pasta house, both girls ordered the soemthing with noodles. When the food arrived my daughter started eating. The friend could not figure out how to eat the long noodles. I showed her how to wind them up with a fork and spoon. Then I told her it was also acceptable to cut her noodles into shorter pieces with a knife. She looked at me blankly and said ” how”. I told her with a knife. Again she just stared at me annd said she didn’t know how to use a knife. Now we are talking about a butter knife here, I asked my daughter to demonstrate how to properly use the knife. The girl told me that her mom did not put knives on the table for the kids, the mom always cut up the food, her tone was rude. I told her that if she wanted to eat she had better figure it out soon, cause at 10 she’s old enough to know how to use a butter knife and a steak knife. I then asked her if she wanted to eat a steakhouse later in the evening with the rest of the family, we were meeting later that day. To that question I got a yes. So I told her that if she couldn’t cut a steak she didn’t need to order one at the steakhouse. She quickly got to work on cutting her pasta, the she practiced her cutting technique on her dessert. My question is what are the parents thinking, sending your child off so ill prepared. Do they think every parent is going to go around the table and cut things up? Or do they think thier kids will order from the kiddie menu’s forever?
oh wow. I have a toddler set of utensils that has a dull butter knife, not even the tiny serrations of the normal butter knives. Granted, it’s from when I was a kid, so it was normal to teach your child to use a knife, not just to cut with, but to scoop food onto your fork…ya know, instead of your fingers. It’s called polite table manners and they were taught at a young age. I could see no knives before kindergarten in some more fearful families, but 10yo? wow. While my 7yo is *still* trying to master the cutting techniques, he still gets a knife and he still gets to make his best attempts. And this was the boy I had to lock the sharp knives away because he would get into them and play with them at 2yo, cutting his hands up. That didn’t stop me from putting a dull one in his hand and showing him the correct usage.
And just in case you think I was irresponsible for letting him at the sharp knives, please understand that it wasn’t my idea. I kept an eye on him, but I had to go shopping, etc. at some point and my now *ex* husband would fall asleep with his pocket knives on the coffee table while I was out. Same twit decided it was ok to keep his BB gun (loaded) at the bottom of an open duffel bag on our bedroom floor. I would find it and put it up out of sight and reach. I never did like the idea of a gun in the house…more because of the twit’s irresponsibilities than not liking guns. The nightmares from that time…sigh
My philosophy is simple. Don’t necessarily say “no”. Teach them the correct usage and storage. Whether it’s books or knives. It’s easy enough to teach them where they go and how to handle them safely and responsibly. Then be a good role model and be sure they see you being responsible yourself. They will learn faster and better.
Got one for ya. Today I was trying on clothes in a department store and I overhear a woman yelling if anyone lost their child. The child’s crying and the woman asks what their mom’s name is and he or she(I wasn’t going to open the door half naked to check)said the mother’s name so the woman starts calling the name out. The dressing room next to me makes remarks about how horrible the parent is and sarcastically about the parenting skills. The woman comes back and people waiting on line there ask if the mother was found. The woman goes “Yea I did. The mother did it on purpose, she was teaching the kid a lesson.”
Next door I hear the dressing room next to me again sound off commentary and how she’d like to punch that mother in the face for how messed up that is, was angry about it and couldn’t get over doing that to a child and even wanted to call Child Protective Services on the mother.
It brings the news story about the mother driving off to mind but on the hand, the kid will never stray from his mother again.
Ya know what? Kids get enough anxiety about not being able to find mom/dad at the right moment. Seriously, there are other more appropriate consequences that the mom could have used. Like having to hold on to the buggy or sit in it. If it’s a wanderer, then maybe a leash is appropriate until the child learns better. Scaring the child half to death and having store staff take time off their jobs to find you is not reasonable or considerate of other people’s time and energy. I’m all for Free Range, but when it seriously inconveniences other people? No. Time to find alternatives until the child is mature enough to understand better.
When my kids were learning to slice up an apple or a tomato, I taught them to make a “bridge”, i.e., curve their free hand over the cutting hand and steady the fruit while the cutting hand cuts. Impossible to cut your hand this way, and so simple! No one told me this one, just seemed to make sense to me.
[...] numbers of parents are fighting back against this wave of mollycoddling, with websites such as Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy advocating that parents reclaim independence for their children. Yet how many of [...]
The assertion that you make, is a slap in the face to parents that have missing children. I live in Michigan and we just had to watch Nevaeh Buccanan be laid to rest. She was a five year old little girl who was given “Free Range” and was abducted and killed. Take a visit to her grave site as I have and you will never let your children out of your sight. There have also been two recent attempted abductions in our small town. A small child cannot fight off a 200 pound man or woman. I think that your book will influence parents to let their guard down, when our children need protection from the sick people in this world. Crime may be down as you have stated, but someone’s child is missing or dead in that low rate.
When I was a kid – maybe 5 or 6 years old – I would walk to the park two streets over (and plenty of other places I was not technically allowed to go). By the time I was 8, I rode my bike to the library a mile away. By the time I was 14 I walked and rode all over – with or without permission – including a 15 mile trip to a neighboring town. A friend of mine used to hitchhike all over the county, and strangely was never kidnapped, molested, or solicited by any of the complete strangers he met. That was 12 years ago. I know we weren’t some kind of fortunate minority, as all our friends enjoyed the same freedom. Our town was a spread-out scattering of little townlets and I had to go about 3 miles to get to any given friend’s house, and the same distance to get to the video rental and convenience stores that were usually our destination when we weren’t off exploring the wilderness.
Statistically speaking the people you don’t know are incredibly unlikely to abuse your child compared to the people who you know and trust – priests, creepy aunts and uncles, teachers, parents, and spouses make up the vast majority of child abusers. Abusive people rely mainly on trust and power to take advantage of children, not chance encounters on the streets with strangers. Most abuse is about power; it’s a coward’s fetish common amongst people who desire control and authority but lack the means to gain it legitimately (if there’s such a thing). An unknown situation is an uncontrolled one, as is an unknown child. You will find very, very few instances where a complete stranger kidnaps and abuses a child on a whim. The warning signs aren’t always apparent, but risk is incredibly higher in a home or familiar environment than out on the street.
My son certainly won’t be subjected to the psychotic terror parents are encouraged to inflict on their children today; he will, however, be encouraged to laugh in the face of people who try. There is only one thing that he needs to be afraid of – people who assume or demand unquestioning obedience, deference, and fear – a sure sign of an abusive psychology. I already encourage him, in the limited capacity he has at barely more than a year old, to look out for himself and act on the presumption that he may do something. As he gets older I will teach him that he has an absolute right of ownership over his person and the right to defend it with every means available and necessary, that he owes nobody respect who hasn’t earned it, and nobody deference who he does not respect. It’ll make him a nightmare for authoritarian types – child abusers or otherwise – and I hope, like me, much safer, more confident, and more independent for it.
@DW: ever considered the possibility that every “potential child molester” you see on the street is actually another paranoid nut thinking the same thing about you?
The world is full, I mean chock full, of potential dangers. Your local hardware store has enough equipment for a handful of bad people to maim most of your town, and enough duct tape to kidnap every child in it. Individual awareness of danger, and lack of desire to harm others, is what saves us from harm. Notably not the constant control and authority of busybodies who are unsatisfied with dominating and fostering dependence, ignorance, and stupidity in only the people they know personally. I did know a few kids who either died or were seriously harmed when I was a kid; the common thread was that they were sheltered by domineering parents and had no ability whatsoever to act or think independently in novel situations. Of the few I know were abused, it was exclusively by parents and family, teachers, and religious authorities.
Obviously you don’t leave a two year old who loves jumping into water unsupervised in the dark by a lake (let alone leave a two year old unsupervised by open water in general). Perhaps less obviously, the five year old who’s parent is too paranoid to let him go swimming is sure to drown given the first opportunity, the six year old who is told to do everything he’s told by adults in positions of authority is sure to get molested given the first opportunity, and the ten year old who’s never seen or handled a gun is sure to shoot himself or his friend given the first opportunity.
Knowledge is achieved through experience, not through sheltered instruction. A young adult lacking experience – of both positive and negative things and people – is a target for every exploitative monster he meets, a sitting duck for every chance danger, and paralyzed in every situation outside the narrow scope of his instruction. The sad state of affairs is that the current few generations are exactly those kinds of people and we all suffer in small ways for it. My son will be less productive, less successful, and less happy than he perhaps could be because he’s been born into a world of mindless HOA-bred zombies. Zombies who he will not be able to rely on as anything but nominally living instruments of someone else’s will, helpless in the face of adversity, and ultimately doomed to lives of “quiet desperation”, lived in constant fear of each other and the beautiful world that is their birthright.
Sorry for the rant, but I am really beyond tolerance of that mentality.
Justen, that was an AMAZINGLY well written, intelligent post! You are 100% spot-on. Fabulous.
@Yeah Right: Yes, I’ll probably take my son out at around 5 or 6 to a shooting range, as soon as he’s got the upper body strength to handle a small gun (a .22 probably) and the good sense to understand and follow gun safety rules.
The reason is that I don’t know when he’ll be exposed to a gun outside my supervision; maybe never, maybe he and his friends will find one in the gutter on the way home from school, maybe some friend’s dumbass parent will leave one sitting out loaded on the table while he’s off drinking some afternoon, maybe he’ll get one pointed at him by some misguided thug (in or out of uniform). It is incredibly important to me for him to know how it works, why it works, what makes it deadly, and how to minimize the risk that he will hurt someone or be hurt by someone with a gun before that happens.
I have been trained professionally in firearm handling and usage as a former DoD employee, and will in turn have a professional trainer on hand to teach my son. I wish I had had that experience as a child; knowing how to use a weapon is not empowering in my opinion, but knowing how and why not to use one, and the consequences of using one, is valuable and potentially life-saving.
@Sheerluck:
We are not keeping you employed under those provisions, a draconian and intrusive government who has no business creating such laws is keeping you employed. It is sad that any of your time as a police officer should be spent interfering in the private lives of parents who’s children have come to no harm, and by the evidence are incredibly unlikely to come to any harm in violation of those statutes. Your time would be best spent intervening in crimes in progress and pursuing perpetrators, as is the original calling of your profession – and one that everyone would duly love and respect you for.
You’ve nothing to be proud of for enforcing the violation of parental rights based on some paranoid and completely unfounded worldview. It undermines the dignity and respect of your uniform to be reduced to a nanny who forces parents to be overbearing at the point of a gun. What do you think that does for your relationship with the community you serve, or the perception of your role in society? How do you intend people to treat you with respect when the laws you uphold pit you against almost every parent you know?
I’m sure that you, like most of the many law enforcement officers I worked with during my time at the DoD, are a good person who means well and deserves respect and honor for sticking your neck out and protecting your fellow man. I encourage you to think critically about what the duty you assume actually entails, where your time would be best spent, and what the motivations and outcomes of the laws you’re asked to enforce actually are.
Another little anecdote/idea I completely forgot (boy am I spamming up this post today). When I was 15 a friend of mine and I took a trip to San Fransisco by ourselves. His uncle lived there, and we stayed with him, but as he was at work we spent most of our time there on our own. We took public transportation around and visited all the big record stores, electronic stores, tourist spots, theaters, and pretty much every other point of interest on our own without any supervision. It was probably the best road trip I went on as a kid. We had tons of fun – and the most dangerous thing we faced was eating at a hole-in-the-wall thai restaurant (delicious).
A year later he, I and his younger sister visited family in Las Vegas with similar results, although in the end ruined by his grandmother who stopped in unexpectedly, chock full of wild paranoia about what sort of sick sexual experimentation we were surely up to when no adults were around (yes, she accused us of incestuous and bisexual three-ways at the ripe old age of 16), the perverts we surely would be raped by in the casinos, and the cars, trains, and airplanes that would surely crash into us if no adult was around to drag our helpless persons to safety. Most of our last day in Vegas was spent being lectured about the dangers we were placing ourselves in by stepping out the front door (and the dangers we were to each-other by way of our uncontrollable genitalia).
Which do you think of the two trips was the better experience in terms of self-reliance, self-confidence, and practical experience, which grew us as people and which was a lesson in fear and loathing of our fellow (wo)men.
About a year later we also went on a trip to Los Angeles with another friend, stayed in the Four Seasons, spent one day at Universal Studios and another day being driven around Hollywood by an old taxi driver – also a great time.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering how we put all this together, we worked for most of the money and planned the trips. For the first two trips our parents pitched in a little spending money, and I think we used my friend’s mom’s built up frequent flyer miles for the plane tickets for San Fransisco.
My boys are 7 and 8. Last night I let them camp in a tent in the backyard, by themselves. They took their walkie talkies (and gave me one so they could communicate with the base camp), a deck of cards, and their sleeping bags, and had a great time. Amazingly enough, they were not beset by coyotes, abducted by roving gangs of psychopaths, or crushed under falling trees.
The best part was at 9:15 when I got the excited call on the walkie talkie: “MOM! We see the Big Dipper!!!” You go, kids!
My free-range 6 yo kid broke his arm this week. He was climbing a tree, and a branch broke. The next day, we walked around the neighborhood, showing all the neighbors and his buddies his cast and telling them his story. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am that many moms reacted by saying, “that is why we don’t climb trees.”
My kid has climbed a tree hundreds of times. He’s fallen a few times. This time, he broke his arm. It is limiting his activities this summer, and has changed our expected plans of spending a lot of time at the pool and the beach. However, my son, after three days with a cast, has responded by discovering the many things he CAN do. He can dress himself one-handed, he can help with chores around the house, he can kick soccer balls and take photos with his new digital camera. He feels capable and powerful, even with a big cast. The best thing is that he and my daughter were trapped in a really negative, bicker-y dynamic, and it has simply disappeared. He turns to her for help, which empowers her and makes her feel important, and she is developing previously undiscovered empathy. Our summer has turned into a more intimate, “do less, be more” time, instead of our planned summer of adventure and excitement. We are all already closer.
But more importantly, both of my kids are learning that life sometimes deals you a bad break, and you find a way to get through it. You figure out how to deal. You adapt and adjust to whatever happens. Breaking your arm is a drag, it hurts a lot at first, but it is truly not the end of the world. Sometimes you need a little more help to get through a rough patch, and your family and friends are there to help you out. The lesson is not that you can avoid problems; it is that you can deal with them when they happen. Free range, for me then, is all about resilience.
I despise people who feel it is their place to moralize to my children. Who are you to teach my children anything without my permission? How dare you! I would never step in unless it’s a disciplinary issue in my own house. A neighbour throws a toy in my house, I will reinstate our house rules and why it’s in place. If it happens again, I’ll inform them of the consequence that they would have to go home. If a third incident occurs, I send them home immediately. But to hand down some moral that isn’t even appropriate.
My reaction to those parents would be, that’s not true because an arm can be broken falling off your bike or simply tripping while walking along. All it takes is landing wrong. Better to learn to land with a roll to prevent damage than to not have fun. How many “safe” adults break wrists, ribs, arms and hips from simply falling off their feet, never mind a tree. Why do they do that? They put their arms out to break their fall instead of learning to roll with it and dispersing the force.
Like my story way up above, with the old granny deciding that I was teaching my dtr bad manners by giving her a choice of 2 types of crackers from the grocery store. My child, my lessons, my choice…MYOB!
Liz K., your letter is nothing if not an anthem, and I’m sending it out to every parent in my Address Book. Angelica, you taught me something today: Rolling vs stopping a fall with one’s hands. [slaps forehead] Of course! That’s why we see stunt actors rolling…good one. It reminds me what I taught my kids to do when they want to look out over the edge from a height, such as a roof or cliff: I instructed them to lie on their tummies to look out over the edge.
And lastly, a comment on the letter to Lenore on the Home Page from the mom who’s letting her kids walk to school this fall. Notice that she mentioned a neighborhood with stores, a post office, etc. Sounds to me like she lives in the city, where there are actual human beings around. Not the case in the sterile suburbs, is it?
Rolling with a fall is what kids and adults alike are taught in martial arts…it’s one of the first things they are taught. Roll with it and you reduce the injury or avoid it altogether. Had Liz’s son treated the fall like a long diving roll, he would likely have dispersed the brunt of the fall along his body instead of at a weak point like his arm. There is a benefit to learning to tuck and roll. I keep trying to remind my kids of that…my dtr continues to attempt handstands and then fall straight down on the top of her head. I’ve been actively working with her, spotting her handstands and then having her lower her arms, tuck her chin to her chest and somersault to her feet. I’m hoping she gets it soon since she now working on slow cartwheels.
Do we really need to teach kids they NEED to wear a bike helmet, elbow pads/knee pads JUST to ride a bike with training wheels on it? Nooooooooo
Kasey, I’m with you there. I actually think all the protection gear might deter kids from engaging in the activity. At ages three and five, my girls were so frustrated by all the gear that by the time they were all padded, they’d lost interest in skating.
I want to segue here into a simple method for teaching kids how to ride a bike, for which no training videos (a la Magic Pedals) are needed: Remove the pedals from a slightly too-small bike (or lower the seat so that when Child sits on the pedal-less bike, her feet rest flat on the ground). Then just let her “Flintstone”, i.e., propel the bike with her feet. This has a million advantages: It saves Parent’s poor back, a bucket of tears, and Child learns the principle of balance instinctively and at her own pace. When she says she’s ready, replace pedals and voila — a cyclist. Far superior to training wheels, which just get in the way and teach nothing about how to ride a bike.
How about a “Free Range of the Week” to go along with what seems to be the “Outrage of the Week”?
Here’s one to start:
http://blogs.trb.com/features/family/parenting/blog/2009/07/kicking_the_bird_out_of_the_ne.html
Yam said: “Notice that she mentioned a neighborhood with stores, a post office, etc. Sounds to me like she lives in the city, where there are actual human beings around. Not the case in the sterile suburbs, is it?”
I know every community is different, and it might be different where you live, but I live in a wonderful suburb which I love, and which has a post office, stores, and human beings around. It’s the best of both worlds for me – it’s right near a city (bordering), but it is a town, and it is a mostly residential community. I love it! The town I grew up in was further out, about 45 minutes away from the city, and houses were a little more spread out (bigger yards), with bigger pockets of residential-only neighborhoods, but even there we still had a post office, library, town hall, lots of little stores, restaurants, etc. It took longer to walk places, and more people were driving everywhere, but there were still plenty of people around. If anything, in some cases I think people in the suburbs are sometimes more likely to be outside, simply because bigger yards make it more likely that they have a nice outdoor living space.
I read your book today, it was very liberating and so funny. So far I’ve sent the kids to the store in our neighbourhood alone and today they were allowed to wander off while we we’re berry picking. They climbed and jumped they we’re out of my sight for a while and I never once said “be careful!”.
Thanks for reminding me to let go of the things beyond my control.
could we possibly categorise responses into age groups? I would love to read all of the replies but can barely find time to read the main articles…
I have a 15 month old who packs the tins into the pantry after we go shopping, puts his nappy in the bin and his dirty clothes at the washing machine. He also knows to close the driveway gate when he is playing outside… I am always within arms reach when he closes it but mostly so I can put the bungy cord on it… Otherwise he would let himself out to play with the neighbours dog.
I love this website…
that sounds awesome for a 15month old. My 16-18 month old dtr (she’s 9yo now) would sneak downstairs (from her bed beside mine), and get herself a bowl of dry puffed wheat (what we gave her for “popcorn” and put a VHS in to the VCR and turn the TV on to watch her shows until I got up. Understanding that I got up at 7am, the first time it happened, I was shocked and felt I had “lost my baby.” It’s not like I wasn’t paying attention, but she really surprised me with her ability to figure out how to deal with a situation so quickly and safely. What was I suppose to do? Scold her for doing the right thing?
Keep encouraging him to do the right things by praising him…he’ll respond better and do it more and more. Children only want to please us parents. And giving them some leaway to do it just makes it happen.
Adults need to take the wheel here and decide between what is ‘possible’ and what is ‘probable.’ When my daughter was four, she had a friend who was truly, truly afraid every time she heard thunder. She had seen a video on lightening strikes and believed that every time there was thunder, lightening was going to strike her just like it struck the people on the TV, unless, of course, she could hide from it. It was hard to convince her that the video was not always true. In other words, it was possible that lightening would strike but not very likely that it would. This was knowledge born of experience, the kind of experience that living through rainstorms produces. And it is knowledge that an adult must impart and act on in order to raise curious and brave children. Most of the time, we actually do know better than the training video or the newscast about the dangers around our neighborhood or our family. Sometimes there are very real dangers and very good reasons to restrict our children’s activities.
Should they ride their bikes to school? Well, what do the other parents think? Are there sidewalks and crossing guards? Are there other children doing it? Are the older children riding? Can parents get together and post corner watches? Independence is best in stages of time and distance. But the goal is independence.
Exactly! Independence does take preparation and learning…parents need to be prepared to do just that. I will even go so far (and be so arrogant) as to say, non-free ranged children have lazy parents who can’t be bothered to prepare their children for real life. It takes work, thinking, creativity and preparation…for parents and children alike. To not allow your children to be free is to say it’s easier to keep them close to you and “be safe” rather than research the possibilities and help your child discover the solutions to them. Life is not all theory, there is practice that is required to create real skill. Just my opinion.
@Liz K: sorry so many of your neighbors don’t see the benefits of tree climbing, but I’mreally glad your family has gotten so many positives from the experience.
@Angelica: Love your dtr’s resourcefulness!
I have a 2yr old that will actually get upset if she’s not allowed to dispose of her diapers and dirty laundry. For kicks today I asked her if she could go get a clean diaper for me. I was pleasantly surprised to see her return not 1 minute later with a fresh diaper in hand and a big grin. Guess I will have to make sure I don’t put stuff on the dresser now if I don’t want the kiddo in it.
(for those wondering-she has one of those long, low dressers about 3-4 feet high. No climbing necessary.)
There was a brochure at my public library
We want to keep your Kids Safe –
I picked it up thinking it was going to be alarmist and was pleasantly surprised. The advice
– Don’t drop off children to young to go to public school without supervision
– That children allowed to go to the library by themselves/with other children needed to know contact information for their parents in case of an emergency.
– Don’t drop off children if the doors aren’t open
–Children should have transportation home before closing. If elementary aged children are left waiting on library property after closing, librarian are required by law to call the police (I think they needed some type of cut off and kids 10/11 (elementary in all area districts is K – 5) seemed a good cut off)
–Library staff does not monitor children’s use of computers or restrict the books they can check out.
–Be aware of sudden dangerous weather changes and make provisions for alternative transportation if needed. (We have sever thunderstorms regularly during most summers with dangerous street flooding, and NO public transportation to speak of)
I somehow stumbled upon this site when looking at an advertisement for a baby helmet. I couldn’t believe how many were thrilled at the idea of a helmet so their children would not get a “serious head injury” while learning to walk.
I feel myself sometimes getting pulled into the sink hole of overprotecting my kids. I would love to let my 5 year old just run around outside, but I live in an appartment with no other kids her age and on a busy street. Unfortunatally we have an issue with drug addicts nearby as well so I have many obstacles.
I do let her play freely at the park, very hard to let go I may add. When at the library I sit and read my books while she searches the childrens area.
I find that my mother and in-laws are my worst enemy in this. On one hand they scoff at the idea of playdates, “kids should be playing outside on their own”, but when I mentioned letting my 5 year old take the elevator down to the lobby and meeting them there I was givien horrified looks. All are afraid she’ll be grabbed off the elevator on the short 4 floor ride down.
So it’s not only our generation who are having this issue. Please give me the strength to let me raise free range kids.
I am so glad that I found this website! I guess I was a free-range kid, but I always thought my mom’s parenting bordered on neglect. Now, I feel healing happening in how I was parented. The worst part is that I have been the same way with my daughter and felt conflicted–confident she was fine but bad that maybe I was being neglectful like I thought my mom was. How WONDERFUL to find that there is rhyme and reason, especially when it is a conscious choice
My daughter is now 10, and she is pretty independent. She always has been, really. When she was in 2nd grade, I had to take a class that got out 15 minutes before her school did, and we lived about 30 minutes away (depending on traffic). After showing up too late the first week, we decided she could just walk home (we lived in an apartment complex across the street from the school), and if she got there before I did, she would call my cell phone and we would talk until I got home. It worked so great for us. The school had concerns that she was walking home alone, even though we lived right across the street., and the school was on an dead-end, so she didn’t even have to cross traffic The next year, my daughter’s friend in the complex’s mom told me the school was hassling her about her daughter walking home, too. We were homeschooling by then, or I would have suggested they could walk together…
Hope there were some ideas in there! I was just so excited to share! Of course there are many more things I could share, but I am just excited to feel whole about my own childhood and my parenting
I have a question about how to deal with the police when free-range parenting. My daughter aged 9 is getting to the level of maturity where I would like her to be able to walk around our neighborhood alone (in daylight of course). I was thinking about starting with her walking home from her piano lesson (we have walked this route together a lot). However, given the story about the police intervening when a 10 year old was walking to soccer practice I wanted to check what our local police would do. In fact my daughter asked the police during her brownie troop trip to the police station. And the officer replied that although there was no law in our state prohibiting her from walking home alone, he wouldn’t advise it until she was about 12! And then a friend’s child (aged 11, but small for her age) was picked up by police when walking to school and told she was too young to be walking on her own to school. How can we convince our local police force, in a very safe neighborhood, that children need to learn to walk around by themselves, before they get old enough to have a driver’s license?
Yesterday I set my 6yo and 10yo (plus a visiting 10yo) a challenge which was to get me the most inaccessible lemon out of our tall, thorny backyard lemon tree. I had no idea how they were going to do it as it had been tormenting me for a week and I had been unable to get it myself. The only equipment I provided them with were a pair of extra long bbq tongs (which I hadn’t found long enough). The three of them went out in the garden and I could hear them discussing what to do and moving garden furniture around the place. After about 10 minutes, they came in triumphantly bearing the lemon with no injuries whatsoever. I went out there later and found a bunch of stackable garden chairs under the tree so I imagine this was part of the solution. I didn’t ask about the precise method they used as 1) I probably didn’t want to know and 2) the point was that they managed to defy danger and work it out for themselves. Anyway, the point of this is that is possible to allow children to take risks and build their confidence even doing things at home. Just set them a goal and let them work out the best way to achieve it (and don’t look over their shoulder while they are doing it).
Oh and I was also very proud of my 6yo son for falling out of his first tree on Saturday. We have only recently moved to this semi-rural neighbourhood and I don’t think, prior to this, that my children even knew that you could climb tree, let alone fall out of them. He has a few grazes to show off to his schoolfriends today but was otherwise unharmed.
Catherine, I loved this story. Just loved it. Good going!
Thanks Yam.
We are on a real roll at the moment. The two of them walked down to the local store together about six times on the weekend! So handy having them able to run errands for me – and they love it!
Actually came in here to post a link to an opinion piece that Lenore might be interested in highlighting. It is about the new kids movie, Coraline, describing it as a horror film about helicopter parents. It certainly freaked my daughter out when she say it on Saturday (although probably not for the reasons the writer highlights in her article). Anyway, have a look if interested:
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/parenting/kids/at-last-a-little-vindication-for-busy-mothers-20090806-eb2i.html?page=-1
Not an idea but wasn’t sure how to share this article about the fear market. I love the play on the “military industrial complex” with the “Kiddie-Safety Industrial Complex”
http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/bubble-babies/article150007.html
QUESTION:
I home school, actually I virtual school. I always used to say that every night on the news I would see a different reason not to send my kids to school. Well, now that I have read your book and no longer watch the news, I question my decision. I have plenty of other reasons one being the fabulous curriculum that we use, which is state provided by the way. Our virtual school is a public school. So my question is this:
What is your take on home schooling? Just in general. Don’t be afraid to offend.
I wrote to you last week about leaving my daughter in the hotel room in Dallas. I have since finished your book. I actually started a book club and that is our first book. I sort of started the club because of the book, but that is another story.
Carrie
How about a free range book list for our kids’ libraries? I nominate The Snowy Day. I was reading this to my son the other day and realized how it is the perfect description of a free range child enjoying a day on his own in his own neighborhood — and nothing bad happens.
Chris, this was a good article. The first comment was interesting too: “How dare you write such words!” ???
I first became aware of the KSIC when I saw an ad for antibiotic-saturated band-aids. Are these still on the market? I was curious how antibiotics can be sold OTC, unless the dosage is so low as to be meaningless.
The KSIC is also a subtrend of the “more shelf space” phenomenon, wherein we have different diapers for the genders, “men’s” shampoo, and baby sunscreen (what happens if I use the latter. Will it not protect me?).
In addition, I suspect that when families were larger, someone was always crying, so crying wasn’t considered something to be prevented or stopped at any cost. Today’s parents largely have had little or no exposure to kids while they themselves were growing up, then they have three kids at the most, spaced years apart, so they simply can’t deal with the normal tears and discomfort of childhood.
Having said all that, I offer a no-cost tip: Yes, it’s true: Many infants don’t like being disrobed pre-bath. So I didn’t disrobe my youngest; I ran the bath water and dunked her in, fully clothed. Then I removed what she was wearing while she was already submerged. Why didn’t I do this with my older two? Bathtime was much calmer…
I am new at this free range thing and I am still trying to get my husband on board.
Last night we were at a restaurant that we go to frequently and my 7 year old said she had to go to the bathroom no one else had to go and she new were it was, so after a few moments of thought I let her walk there by herself. She was so excited just to do something so simple independently.
I took one giant step for Free-Range kind yesterday. I gave your book to my mother. She’s constantly in a state of anxiety over my daughter being kidnapped because “she’s so pretty”. I’m hoping reading your book will chill her out a bit!
Most of the hysteria of helicopter parents seems to focus on perceived threat of kidnapping/predators, but that’s never been a problem to me; I mean I’m rational and can understand statistics. And I know that particular threat is no worse than when I was a kid etc etc. However, where I do have trouble “letting go” is with road traffic. I’m much more worried about my kids getting run over by a car than abducted by a predator. I think the statistics do back me up a bit there – I believe the numbers of cars on the roads have increased, and they’ve got bigger and heavier (SUVs). Where I lived as a child (africa) I would walk for miles in the bush with just my younger brother, but our rule for crossing the road was “if you can see a car, don’t cross”. That works ok if only 1 car every half hour comes along (as was the case), but not for busy suburban roads. Even when I was at school in UK, there were numerous pedestrian operated crossings, and not that much traffic in the small town. Now I live in the US in suburbia, with lots of cars going 35mph+ down my busy street, few crossings (and even those you have to watch out for cars turning left) and few sidewalks. To get to our nearest store my 9 yo daughter would have to cross a busy road without any crossing, so that’s pretty much out of the question for the moment. It’s not that she doesn’t know how to cross, she’s fine on smaller roads, but I’m not convinced of her judgment (just like I don’t think teenage drivers have the judgment to make the split second decisions that are often necessary). Does anyone else feel their ability to go free-range is hampered by living in pedestrian-unfriendly suburbia? What can I do (other than joining the local pedestrian-bike campaign group, which I have) bar moving to a city or less traffic-filled area?
Sonya, campaign relentlessly for speed bumps, (“the new pedestrian crossings”) and if you don’t get results, do what I suggested earlier: Find some traffic cones or other suitable objects and set them out on your street in a pattern that will force drivers to slow down. If anyone complains, explain your side. Can’t hurt; if nothing else, it will raise awareness of the need.
Where raising kids free-range really begins to pay off is in the teens. Our son spent his junior year of high school in Germany on a Rotary International youth exchange–a great organization, Rotary, worth checking out by anyone interested in seeing their kids become amazingly autonomous, tolerant, bilingual adults. Last week our daughter left to do her Rotary year in Argentina. And earlier this month, our son, now a college student, came back from a year in Egypt, studying Arabic at Alexandria University.
My wife and I have been very involved parents from day one, so having a teenage child on a different continent for an entire year is not an easy thing for us. Do we worry about our kids when they’re overseas? Heck, yeah. But the benefits for the kids are simply enormous. Many things can’t be planned in advance or worked out via phone or internet by the parents; the kids just have to figure it out for themselves–in another language. For both of our kids, growing up free range was a great preparation for the challenges of living in another country, with another family.
One big payoff is that American kids on youth exchanges realize the huge difference between the United States they know and the one the rest of the world knows only through our media. Our action adventure movies are the most popular abroad, at least in part because they are the easiest to dub or subtitle. Not much dialogue, and you don’t need to translate gunshots and explosions. Because of these violence-soaked portrayals, our son has had countless conversations where he has tried to explain that not all Americans are gun-crazed psychos. And now our daughter is starting to have similar conversations.
Now, here’s the really important point. It’s not just the rest of the world that’s been fooled about the United States: we Americans have been fooled into thinking that our own country is a deeply unsafe place. And it’s just not true, at least for most of us, most of the time. It’s time to stop being fearful for our kids and ourselves. Careful, yes. Fearful, no.
I am very proud of my 9yo dtr. Today, now 4 weeks after we moved to a new town, she rode the bus to the library and back home all by herself. I had let the kids run around the neighbourhood of our last town all the time. It was freedom.
When we got to this new place, we immediately started going to the library…once a week. This week, she got through all her books early and wanted more. Since she had been very good about the trips previously, I let her go on her own. The bus stop is at her new school where she would have to walk anyways. There is one bus to the library and no turn offs or transfers. The buses run every half hour and it is very easy to get off the one bus, get your books and easily catch the very next bus back to her new school. I gave her 2 bus passes (even though the round trip only needs one), 2 quarters for the phone with a piece of paper in her pocket to ensure she knew our new phone number and address and my nursing watch pinned to her. She did so well.
Only catch? Just after she got off the bus on her way home, she came across my mom (Gramma)…my mom had taken a wrong turn to our new place and my dtr helped her find us…LOL!! There and back on time, no issues and even helped Gramma out. Now there is an independent girl who knows how to get to where she needs to be!
Ta!
I wanted to point out that in our previous town, it was small and we didn’t use the buses because we could walk or bike everywhere we didn’t need a car for. We only drove on nasty days or to go grocery shopping and the like.
Our new “town” is actually a city, in the suburbs. This is where I’m from originally, so I know the bus system and from day one I’ve had the kids on the buses and trains to familiarize them with the way they work. I was almost 6yo when I started taking the bus to my ballet lessons on my own. I figure 9.5yo is plenty old enough for a stranger/safety smart child to start on their own.
I’m really glad for this online community. I don’t feel like I have to hide my independence giving tactics for raising my kids. I teach them the safe ways, they demonstrate they can follow those and the reasons behind them. Yes, I even quiz them as we go along. When I feel they understand it well enough, I let them try it on their own.
PS. Yesterday, I told my dtr I wasn’t happy with her shirt choice for going out on her own then I asked her if she knew why. Her answer? “Because my name is on the back.” She knew right off. She then reassured me that she was going to wear a sweater to cover it..and she did. That’s my girl!!
I LOVE the common sense wisdom and dialog that seems to flow so readily in your blog and throughout the writing encouraged here.
Might be nice to see the most recent comments first in this section, but through out…you are wonderfully organized and a clever mirror for those of us who need to reflect more often on our parenting choices, especially when they are passive and learned by example in the carpool line or playgroup.
I love this website! I feel like someone who first goes to AA and admits they are an alcoholic. My name is Valerie and I hate bike helmets. I know they help protect from head injury but boy. . . I love the feeling of the breeze in my hair and my kids do too. So I don’t make them wear them.
I remember one time ONE TIME falling on my bike when I was a kid, because I was looking down and ran into a parked car so totally my fault, and the only thing that was bruised was my ego.
We live in Chicago, the city. I have been a free-range parent for a long time but didn’t have a name for it. Just knew that I tended to have a different view of what kids should be allowed to do, based heavily on the freedom of my childhood growing up in Memphis. Over the years, friends have called me “laid back” or “liberal” or bc “I worked outside the home, my kids were more self-sufficient” (doublespeak for not properly supervised) Have had many many discusssions, some not so pleasant with other moms and dads on the subject. Not once did I successfully convince anyone of the common sense and wisdom of my ways.
But its getting a little better bc my dtr is almost 13 and my son is almost 11, so more parents are loosening up as their kids are a little older. I just hope its not too late.
My kids tend to be a little more “street smart” and I would like to think that’s its because they have been given the freedom to learn those smarts.
I learned a lot running riot in the neighborhood, as my parents did before me. I loved the independance of riding my bike to the candy store and later across town, not dependant on my mother. I remember crossing the street to stay away from the kids who were known as the troublemakers. I remember shimmying up the gutters to climb the roof of the church behind us! Ok- maybe not much was learned from that but it was fun.
I remember countless hours playing kickball, football, baseball, basketball, dodgeball, kick the can.
In fact, my childhood in the 70s was not much different than my parents who grew up in the 20s and 30s. I love the picture in my head of my dad, who grew up in rural Kansas, as a little boy sneaking behind the shed to smoke cigarettes with two of his school buddies. Guess what – he never smoked as an adult. Ever. But it sure makes me smile just picturing him. He also spent his summer days playing sports, especially baseball. Just for the fun of it.
My kids do almost none of that and it breaks my heart. They don’t play pick up games with other kids and they don’t get away with anything. Where’s the fun of being a kid if you can’t be a little of a scamp every now and then.
We live in a city with great public transportation and a lot of cool things for a kid to do, but most parents are scared to let them cross the street, let alone take a bus or train to the beach or park. They seriously are scared that the kids will be “snatched”. Yes, it is true, there are child molesters that live here. But I am pretty sure they existed in my neighborhood growing up. We just did not know it at the time.
I don’t know when and why this started changing. It really is irrational and it baffles me.
I randomly ask my children, “what would you do in this situation…?”
When i asked my 9yr old the other day what to do if a strange car stops when he wasn’t with me he said, “I would turn and go back in the opposite direction of the cars.” I said why? He said “cause then the car wouldnt be able to follow me easily.”
I thought it was good advice to share from “the mouth of babes”. They are smarter than we give them credit for!
Valerie, interesting that your dad snuck cigarettes — and also engaged in sports! Note that the two don’t go together, so sports must’ve won out. Problem is, kids today have no outlet for burning off energy other than organized sports, which means signing up, paying, and having Mom tote you to and from practices and games. Your dad got all that for free, and didn’t have to make any commitments to any coaches or teammates.
re helmets, when I was about 10, a neighbor was riding her bike behind me when I braked. She rear-ended me and ended up breaking her leg. A helmet wouldn’t have prevented that. And everyone blamed me.
I’ve run across your blog from time to time, and today I ran across this article that seemed a perfect fit:
http://www.rpa.org/2009/08/spotlight-vol-8-no-14-playing-in-the-streets.html
Enjoy!
My kids walked home from school, rode their bikes to the pool, camped out in the backyard, went to summer camp without me or a cell phone, took the city bus to the mall and walked all over the neighborhood. They knew right from wrong and when they did wrong, I found out about it, usualy from the other sibling. This is in Cleveland during the 1980’s.
It was this power that lead my 18 year old son to drive from Cleveland to Denver for a job he wanted. He learned to live without the mother safety net. He did OK. He figured it out and moved on with his life. He has been in the Navy now for the past 10 years and is stationed in Hawaii.
The power to make choices lead my daughter to a happy marriage. They just celebrated their 11th anniversary. Her friends are surprised that her 3 year old stays overnight with Grandma. He has since he was 3 months old. For hevens sake, I’m his GRANDMOTHER. Parents need a break too! Yes he eats cookies and pudding, digs in the dirt, drinks from the garden hose and stays up late watching movies. He’s going to be fine and he loves visiting me.
Parents: our job is to help our kids mature and move on. When they do, it breaks our hearts but that’s our job. Do you really want your kids living with you forever? Give them some space to learn to be independent.
After my son moved to Colorado, he called me one day to say, “do you know how much shampoo costs?” On that day he learned that life isn’t cheap so make good choices.
Best Wishes to all parents. And let Grandparents enjoy their special time with your children. It’s an opportunity to show how much we love you because we were too busy when you were little.
Barb, I LOVEd “Do you know how much shampoo costs?”!!!
I saw the interview of you and your son on Fox News. Bravo for both of you! I am for your movement, since I am 82 years old and spent my younger childhood in a small town in Colorado. I can still remember games of “kick the can” that went on into the late evening hours, long after dark, naturally, since the fun increased when darkness concealed your hiding place. I treasure these memories of childhood. I wasn’t afraid later the start a company and make it succeed and grow.
I vote the way I think and do not belong to a political party. I have to tell you that the interview, being on Fox News, seemed ironic to me. Fear has been a staple with that Channel for a long time; fear of terrorist attacks the reason we must abandon the Constitution, and now fear that a healthcare revision will create “Death Squads” and “pull the plug on Grandma.” This by serious men, news reporters, and politicians — all, presumably, adults. Children, I have learned over many years (and several kids of my own) hear and remember many things we tell ourselves they are too young to understand.
Every single day I wish my kids had more freedom to roam and play. Not only would it be better for their development it would be a whole lot better for me…the stay at home mom who doesn’t want to supervise every single second of their lives.
One major thing that I think has changed since I grew up is that adults in the community generally aren’t on the lookout for other people’s kids anymore.
People drive too fast in residential neighborhoods instead of looking out for a group of kids who might be playing or crossing a street.
So while the playground is very close and only involves crossing one road I fear that drivers and others don’t pay enough heed to kids. Instead the wonder who the unsupervised kids are…where are their parents?
And I also know that other parents in the playground don’t like when kids’ parents aren’t around (not that it will stop me). I have a 6 month old and often just sit with him far away/off to the side while my 5 and 3 play. I let them deal with other kids on their own and can’t tell you how many times I see other parents looking around for their caregiver…like wondering…where is the mom? why isn’t she moving this kid out of my kid’s way…why is she letting them climb UP the slide…doesn’t she know that’s not safe?
Love this blog and am going to try to start a local kid’s “gang”
I’m with you Janice. The other day my 3-year old was playing on a piece of play equipment and was having a minor dispute with a little girl. The other child piped up: “he’s not letting me play on…” I started to say, “Adam, please let…” Then thought better of it and just said, “oh you sort it out”. And guess what? They did, and continued to play happily.
Have you noticed how children in a playground will immediately start using the equipment in unconventional ways to make it more exciting and how they will instinctively seek out little hidden places where they can play unseen.
Anyway, my free-range idea is this: when you visit facilities, events or venues for children and you are asked for feedback, bring up the issue of health and safety overkill. I recently praised a nursery for being refreshingly free of the latter. And I may start writing letters of complaint in cases where an excess of pointless rules and regulations drains all the pleasure out of supposedly fun leisure events. Managers need to know that parents care about these things. I’m sure they have no idea.
I’ve been looking for some good Children’s books that relate to this idea. Does anyone out there know of any good ones?
In Madrid, we are having new and improved playgrounds installed everywhere. They are sooo weird that adults don´t have the faintest idea how to work them. You can see a spiraly metal pole stuck in the ground, with some sort of seat meant for an alien butt at the bottom. Or a wavy sort of railroad with a platform on top of it. Not one of the parents there dared to tell their children how to work them, let alone tell them it was not safe. So they could do nothing but step back and just let the kids find out for themselves. It turned out that, as with conventional playgrounds, these ones are as versatile as children´s imaginations can stretch them.
What immediately comes to mind is the Arthur book where he misses the bus home from his swimming lesson, which is in a less-than-kid-friendly neighborhood, and the only pay phone he can find is broken…besides that, there are tons. Ask your children’s librarian.
Any books wherein the protagonist is a tomboyish, non-sterotypical girl tend to be congruent with Free Range parenting. Having said that, I never liked Pippi Longstocking precisely because she’s presented as an aberration, and juxtaposed against her two “normal” friends, Tommy and Annika, the latter whom is a stereotypical girl who doesn’t want to get her dress dirty.
As a child, I never liked Pippi because she was rude to adults, bossy to her friends and always getting them in trouble without feeling remorse. Now, as those two twits kept wanting to play with her, I guess they deserved all the scolding.
I’ve been looking for some good Children’s books that relate to this idea. Does anyone out there know of any good ones?
Arthur Ransome, Swallows and Amazons. (And its sequels.)
As a Fifteen-year-old girl growing up in a wealthy suburban town just out of London, UK, I experienced some really good things. Firstly, with loads of my friends, they weren’t allowed to have their ears pierced until a certain age, and, as a result, had them pierced as soon as they were allowed. For me, it was never banned, and I never wanted them pierced.
Same with drinking. My parents, since I was 8 or 9, let me take sips from their wine glasses at home, and once I was 13ish, let me have a small glass myself. About six months ago, I decided I don’t like wine and I haven’t touched alcohol since. Teetotalism will put me in good stead when it comes to not touching drugs etc, either here or at uni.
However, there are some things my parents did wrong. One is that despite the fact I’ve been going into London on a regular basis with them ever since I can remember, I’ve only just been allowed to go in without an adult, compared to many kids in my year who went in at age thirteen.
However, I think one reason they did that is because I have a younger brother who is much less independent than myself, who wouldn’t accept that me at 15 is very different to how he will be.
One reason I’m so much more independent is that my parents took lots of small steps with me. At 7 or 8, I was allowed to walk down the street and into the library by myself; as it didn’t involve crossing any roads. Not much of a big deal to anyone else, but to a bookish child like myself, it was heaven! Then, as I got older, to about 9 or 10, at airports I’d be allowed to go off by myself, on the agreement that we all met at a certain point by a certain time, where one parent would always be. Likewise, I’ve been going to the loo by myself in restaurants since I was 7 or 8, but more so in restaurants I’ve always been going to, like the pizza restaurant we go to for special occasions, and have done since I can remember.
Plus, my brother, thanks to our quirky school system, goes to a different high school than me, for which he has to get a bus; whereas I’ve walked, cycled or dawdled the three-quarters of a mile between my house and school twice a day most school days for four years now. Other things, like joining the Girl Guides when I was right at the bottom of the age range (I couldn’t wait to get out of Brownies) and joining my drama group as one of the youngest, made me mix with older people and become more mature. Right back to when I was 4 or 5, I’ve always had friends a couple of years older than me. It’s a good thing.
Basically, what I’m saying is give your kid gradual independence; let them do journeys they’ve already done a million times solo for once; you’ll be surprised how much they enjoy it!
And, as a success story of that, I’ve now flown to and from Scotland twice solo, and got the train to and from Wales for summer camp, involving a change at one of Britains biggest and grimiest stations. Next summer if I go to Scotland, I’m allowed to go by train! (I couldn’t before because my mum was worried about anyone being able to get on, but I’ve proved myself).
Louisa, your letter resonated with me on several topix: First, the pierced ears. Lots of parents equate it with “grownup stuff”; I just equate it with: People wear earrings, therefore people get their ears pierced. I let all my daughters do it on first request (ages 5-7), and all the parents who made their kids wait “’til they can care for them on their own” spent the next five years listening to their kids whine and beg. You know what? I’m 49, and still occasionally ask for help with my ears / earrings. So what? Does that mean I’m not mature enough for pierced ears (my mom and I did it together when I was 13). My middle daughter has chronic inner ear problems and has undergone two surgeries. She eventually just let her holes grow back, for her it was just too much dealing-with-ears.
Your saying your mum was worried about who might get on the train reminded me of the first time I flew solo as a parent with an infant. I told my husband I was concerned about if I had to use the bathroom and leaving our daughter unattended. He said, “Ask someone who looks trustworthy to hold her”. After a moment, I burst out laughing and said, “Even if I unwittingly asked a kidnapper, WHERE’S HE GONNA TAKE HER? We’re in the air, flying, for God’s sake!”
Having said that, that same infant is now 12 and is signed up for gymnastics in town (45 minutes away). She’ll be catching buses or rides with friends to and from, and walking about a kilometer to and from the gym in the dark (winter hours). Am I nervous? Yes. Is she confident? Yes. Wish us luck…
My parents are still touchy about me walking home in the dark, but I understand why; I have a couple of extra-curriculars that extend till 5pm and a club till 5.30 at the weekend which, when it’s winter, is dark, so then I get picked up or have to walk with a friend. This year I have lights on my bike (finally) so I’ll just be able to cycle; it’s all streetlit anyway.
I’ve just always been self-reliant and able to stand on my own two feet; it’s something that comes naturally to me.
to Harvey, who wanted children’s book suggestions, check out the works of 1940s UK children’s author, Enid Blyton. There are loads of different series targeted at different age readers but most share a common thread, ie, children roaming freely, having adventures and solving problems. Check out enidblytonsociety.co.uk for particular suggestions. Some of my favourites growing up were the Faraway Tree series (suitable for about 5-7yo) and also the Famous Five (suitable for about 9yo and up). Pesky parents are kept very much in the background of these stories.
Also the “Shoes” series by Noel Streatfield. I don’t know if they’d appeal to today’s kids, but I loved ‘em.
This Summer I have tried something with my eldest that, for the moment, works quite well. Her younger siblings still have to take a nap after lunch, and she is bored silly at home with me (not much of a TV girl, you see). Anyway, we live in an enclosed housing estate: about 5 ha. with 320 neighbours. We all know each other very well.
So, the girl wants to roam outdoors, and I don´t dare leave the little ones asleep on their own. So we got her a watch for her 6th birthday. Even though she can´t tell the time properly, I place a sticker where the minute hand ought to be when it´s time to come home. We started with a 10 minute solo walk, my heart in my throat the whole time. She came home three times during that time (“I´m thirsty”, “I need a shovel”, “look what a cool stone I found”).
By now, she looks forward to her “walkabout”. She packs a water bottle, a plastic bag for “treasures” and off she goes. She is doing half-hours now, and is always home on time.
On the topic of the books, the ’shoes’ stories by Noel Streatfield are really good, also Swallows and Amazons as mentioned above, and anything by Enid Blyton (Famous Five, Secret Seven etc) or E. Nesbit (The Railway Children).
For slightly older children/ tweens I would recommend the Cat Royal series by Julia Golding (set in 1790s London, in a theatre), also the Harry Potter books of course. I’d also recommend the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books by Lemony Snicket, as the kids become self-reliant. Also Alex Rider by Anthony Horowitz, like the books below (CHERUB) just not as teenage in audience.
For teenagers I’d recommend the CHERUB series by Robert Muchamore; whilst they shouldn’t really be approached by anyone under the age of 13, they’re all about kids doing it for themselves, to misquote the famous song. They’re about the children’s branch of M15 (your CIA), child spies in effect. I’d also recommend the Alpha Force books by Chris Ryan (ex SAS), which are more about survival and teens going off by themselves on great long expeditions.
Lola, way to go!
I was so excited to find this site after reading Lenore’s book! I didn’t know what I was doing had a name, beyond “crazy.’
We live a small (approx. 500 people) village in west-central Ohio. My daughter’s school is 1 block away (there’s only one block in town), seems pretty safe to me. Yet one family member and her husband (they are both baby boomers) think it is so dangerous to allow her to walk to school starting when she was 8. Last year, when she was 9; my hours at school changed, I decided is was safe to leave her home alone in the morning for 20 mins before she walked herself to school. We would get up, dress, and have breakfast before I left. I would set the timer on the oven to alert her to when it was time to leave (something we didn’t need to do after the first week). I saw such a change in her during that time. She blossomed. She actually told me “Mommie I like feeling so responsible.”
She is 10 now and walks home from school, unlocks the door with her own key, gets herself a snack and relaxes for 30 to 45 mins until I get home. She loves it! She gets a chance to decompress before homework starts and she is confident that she can be responsible and trusted. The same family member that critized me for my choice to allow her to walk to school, REALLY doesn’t like these choices. So much so she has a teacher at school (who at one point wasn’t even teaching in the same grade-level as my daughter) feeding her information on my daughters whereabouts/ movements and the fact that she doesn’t go to latchkey anymore.
Does anyone else allow there children to stay home alone? How long?
“Does anyone else allow there children to stay home alone? How long?”
Absolutely! My boys were both “latchkey” boys from kindergarten on, and I began leaving them alone to make runs to the store when they were 6 or 7. From there, it quickly progressed to longer and longer timeframes. Each child is different, so obviously ages aren’t cut in stone, but children from a young age are perfectly capable of staying home alone. We teach them responsibility (not the constant “no”! that others seem to teach) when it comes to cooking or using appliances, and we have the utmost confidence in their safety, of course. My oldest is now 16, my second (of four) is now 12, and I can proudly say that after nearly 10 years of one or both of them being left alone many a time, we’ve never had one problem whatsoever.
I would be doing a disservice if I constantly had babysitters hover over them, in my opinion.
I have been leaving my 9yo and 7yo at home for up to an hour and a half to get shopping, etc. done. We lived for a long time in a very warm climate. The idea of them coming home (often on their own from a km away) after school then having to come traipsing around with me in a hot vehicle and wander around a grocery store was sooo abhorent, I refused to do it. They both understood house safety, safe phone numbers, safe houses nearby, etc.
For that matter, I’ve had my 9yo cooking the likes of soup, french toast, etc. mostly on her own since she was 3yo. She has been baking cookies from scratch for a while. She made raisin cookies, chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies for our block party and got tons of compliments…there wasn’t a cookie left! She has understood the hot stove, hot pot thing for ever! My 7yo..well..he can get distracted and isn’t as dexterous as his sister is. I still supervise him at the stove. As he gains skill and focus, I’ll happily let him go for it.
Other little things I ensure my kids understand:
What is an appropriate snack. I don’t have to lock the candy away, I can be sure their choices are of the healthy variety…healthy enough that I don’t worry about snacking right before supper, I just take it into account when serving up.
No friends in the house while there are no adults to supervise. I know *my* kids understand safety and the rules, but I don’t expect them to force their friends to adhere to our rules….they’re only kids.
Even if it looks like a police officer at the door, do not open the door to anyone. I don’t care if it’s a police officer, Santa Claus or any number of family friends that I normally welcome in as “open door” (which means they don’t normally knock to enter as long as the door is unlocked). The door stays locked. Whoever it is can come back when I’m home or phone and leave a message. I’ve explained to them that some strangers will dress up to look friendly just to fool people, and kids are not knowledgeable enough to know what is real and what is fake.
just my thoughts…
When my daughters were 9 and 11 they decided to make dinner one summer evening. They were missing some ingredients, so we handed them $20 and sent them to the corner store 5 blocks away. They loved it! And we enjoyed our “date” at home.
Allsop, stay strong. Angelica’s got the right advice. And way to go Angelica for encouraging your son to cook as well as your daughter, instead of just writing it off to “he won’t cook, he’s a boy”. HATE THAT.
Hey! I’ve got my reasons to teach my son how to cook. How many ladies (go ahead put your real arm up here!) just LOVE a man who knows his way around the kitchen? How romantic is it to have your man cook you a delicious supper to eat by candlelight? If I want my son to be attractive, I have to work on more than just his looks! He needs SKILLZ, baby! LOL!!
You all should read “Confessions of a Slacker Mom.” It is all about how kids need to be exposed to “dangerous” things (like streets and animals) because if they don’t, they’ll never learn to navigate the world on their own. The author, Muffy Farrow, advocates no baby-proofing; babies should learn to crawl down stairs and stay away from outlets, instead of having gates put up or outlets covered (what would happen if they ever saw one UNCOVERED and didn’t know what to do?). Sometimes, kids get hurt, and that’s not a bad thing either.
I’m the parent of two free-range kids, and the neighbor of a bunch more. They roam in and out of each other’s yards and play in the alleys behind our houses. The rule is they have to stay within calling distance– I have to be able to step out on the sidewalk by my house and call their names at the top of my lungs and they can hear me. My older one, who is almost 11, takes care of herself after school for one or two hours. She walks from school home (half a mile) or to her dance class. At first, she was really reluctant– her friends and their parents have filled her with stories of abductions and she wouldn’t go anywhere alone. But after giving her some real tools in case she’s in trouble, she feels confident in her ability to get around on her own, and so do I.
Thanks for forming this forum!
I have been letting my daughter stay home alone since she was 9yo. At first it would just be for 15 mins or so while I ducked out on an errand. Now I will sometimes leave her for up to 90 mins or once even 2 hours during the day. I have also left the 6yo home with her for shorter periods. I also now let the two of them walk to the local grocery store to run errands for me on the weekend.
The mom around the corner wouldn’t let her almost 10yo go with them as she said the 10yo ‘has no road sense’. I am not sure how she is going to develop any if she is not allowed out. She is not even allowed to walk around the corner to our place which doesn’t involve any road crossing and is literally 3 doors away. She wanted to get ladders set up on our respective back fences so the kids could come and go to each others places