Ideas
A movement needs…movement. We need to start changing things, before the next generation of kids grows up without ever experiencing one cartwheel without adult supervision (and a snack).
So here’s a forum for ideas that work. Or at least: ideas that are worth a try. Please tell us of any solutions you’ve come up with raising Free Range kids, and for getting other parents to try it, too.
Also, what lessons have you taught your kids that will keep them safe on their own? And please, PLEASE tell us if you have ever been able to convince any other parent (or school system, or community) that this is the way to go!
I have taught my kids to just be aware of their environment. Adults will generally not need to ask kids for directions/pets- so it’s ok to run away from them. (not that it has ever happened!)
If you do need help, ask a lady.
Stick together, nothing scares grownups more than a group of kids.
FWIW- I let my 8 year old go to the dollar store today by himself. I was in a meeting next door. I got 20 cents back from $5.50. He loved it.
Lauren, Reuters has a cool video piece about an age old ritual of dropping babies 15 feet off of a shrine to trampoline. The idea being that the kids who go through the ritual will grow up to be strong.
I thought the ethos of this matched your ‘movement’ (are you calling it that yet? ; ) well.
here’s the link I’d love to see your thoughts:
http://www.reuters.com/news/video?videoId=81490
I don’t have kids, but grew up free range. The best thing my parents did for me was force me to find answers on my own. When I didn’t know how to spell something for a school project or a paper I was writing and asked my parents, they simply said, “I don’t know, why don’t you look it up in the dictionary.” This forced me to lug the giant family dictionary down from its location on the bookshelf and look up the word myself. If I was still having trouble, my parents would then help me. But their refusal to just give me the answer began the development of a way of thinking and acting that made me self reliant.
Similarly, when I was very young, around 2 or 3 years old, I stuck a paper clip into an electrical socket. After my parents calmed me down, having recognized my curiosity, they gave me another toy the involved putting one block into another block - a similar activity but zero danger.
Encouraging independent thinking and questioning and exploration of the world creates an independence that couldn’t be achieved through parents’ willingness to just take care of everything for their kids.
@ Aaron - I saw that video as well and had the exact same thought about this site!
We started very early letting Teela make her own purchases. By age 7 she was taking her books up to the checkout at Barnes & Noble, not with exact change. The booksellers have always been great about treating her like any other customer, making sure she understood her change, and complimenting her on her choice of books.
She learned on her own to seek out booksellers on the floor to find the books she wanted, and when the next book in her favorite series was coming out, and if there were older books she’d missed.
Bookstores are a pretty tame environment, and the B&N Kid Sections are usually very kid-friendly. The first few times my wife and I kindof hung out by the “new release” shelf by the door, so she wouldn’t slip past us, but we got over that after a while.
She also has her own phone, and she’ll call us if she can’t find us. Because she *can*, she rarely *does*.
tc>
Here’s a program someone sent me a link to : http://www.walkboston.org/work/safe_routes.htm. It’s part of walk Boston. It’s a program that organizes kids to walk to school. This is something I’d like to experiment with in my neighborhood. But I have mixed feelings.
The thing that kind of bugs me about this program is the way it’s so instrumentally justified. Get your kids to walk to school so they don’t get fat sort of thing - but it is also just so obsessively focused on safety. I’m not suggesting an unsafe walk to school but frankly I think we should be making the point that waking to school IS already pretty safe.
Besides that, I think walking to school is good for its own sake. Whether it’s the chance to spend time with other kids or just the act of being an autonomous person in the for those few minute every day
I’m troubled a bit because to make this happen takes a certain amount of collective will but when you formalize things too much, it’s like the kiss of death. In this case I think it could end up being highly structured unstructured time - if that makes any sense.
Perhaps we just need to convince other parents and the rest of the world at large that we just need to bi tthe bullet, let them go and leave it at that….
The struggle is in that last sentence: convincing others that you’re not irresponsible and crazy. So far … I get a lot of nodding responses but no one saying, Totally, I (would) let my kid do that too.
So, for the summer I’m considering allowing my third-grader to wander a bit. We live in an urban neighborhood with sidewalks everywhere, and I can’t go a block without bumping into someone I know, and I’m not social at all. I even know the cops because I’m always bugging them to catch the speeders on our street.
There’s a playground within a block; the library within 4 blocks, and a neighborhood church with Vacation Bible School 2 blocks away. He has friends who live on the intersecting streets. So I’m thinking this will be okay, so long as everyone else doesn’t flip out.
Anyone have any ideas to strengthen that plan? Or anyone who’s actually done it? Anyone?
To expand on what Nancy said, the CDC actually has a whole initiative about walking to school, called (of course), KidsWalk-to-School: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/kidswalk/
Here’s what I, personally, am doing: My husband and I are buying a house that’s within walking distance of a large city park, a brand-new public library, the YMCA we already belong to, and a good elementary school. It’s also less than a mile from my husband’s office, so he’s going to start riding a scooter to work. Once we’re settled in, I will join the neighborhood association (I was active in the neighborhood association in the city we moved from, and I think getting those folks involved is key–they not only know what’s really going on in the neighborhood, but they care about keeping it safe). I will see if there’s already a walking-to-school initiative at the local school, and get involved with that *before* my son gets to school.
I think one thing we need to do is to challenge conventional wisdom. For example:
- Are the suburban schools *really* better than the city schools? In some areas, they are; in other areas, they’re just bigger. What most of them have in common is that they’re not within walking distance of most students’ homes.
- Is it really less safe to be a kid now than it was when we were young? Again, in some areas, it probably is. In other areas, not so much.
When people tell us things like “it’s not safe for kids to walk to school anymore,” we need to pursue it (but gently). For example, we might ask, “Why do you believe it’s not safe?” And then see what they say. If they say “Because there are no crossing guards and no school zone speed limits,” well, then, they’ve got a valid point: crossing guards and school zones make it safer for kids to walk to school. But if they say “Because of all the SEXUAL PREDATORS nowadays who hang out waiting for children to molest,” ask them how they know that. Usually they’ll say something like “Because they all have THE INTERNET now and they have LISTS of where to go to find children,” and you can ask them if they’ve seen those lists, and if your school is on them. And if they haven’t seen those lists, how do they know they exist? (Oh, wait: because someone they work with has a sister whose husband read all about it on the Internet, and she that he said…
We have to fight fear and conventional wisdom if we want to reclaim our communities and make them places where it’s fun and safe to raise a family. It’s not the sexual predators that are keeping the kids inside; it’s our own fear.
And of course, the local media that’s so starved for ratings that they’ll make up anything to get viewers: “Was it really just a wrong number–or was the mysterious caller who asked for ‘Marge’ trying to find out if Tommy was home alone? Join us at 10 for more on one local fifth-grader’s harrowing escape from a sexual predator!” But that’s another topic.
(Just a note: the scooter doesn’t have anything to do with kids walking to school or otherwise ranging free, except maybe because it means one less car on neighborhood streets. I just thought it was neat.)
This is such an interesting concept for me. We live on a very safe suburban neighborhood street but I feel like I need to be outside watching if my kids are riding bikes; I think my main concern is getting hit by a car but I know if I just make sure they know the rules (look both ways, etc) I shouldn’t have to worry. My children are 4, 4 (twins), 6, and nearly 8. They are very self-sufficient around the house and I wonder when I can start leaving them at home alone while I take a quick trip to the store? Are there state laws for what age a child can be left home alone?
I have begun with my three boys 2,4,6 by letting them play in our (unfenced) yard alone. All three know they have to stay in the yard, that its ok to tell on your brothers if they go out of the yard, and to get me if they run into trouble (which to-date has only consisted of the little one dumping mud on another one’s hair)
The only problem so far has been my indignant neighbors reporting to me that they are out in the yard. This has happened twice. I have tried to remain calm and explain that I am checking on them regularly, but the level of hysteria is pretty amazing.
Recommendations on addressing these dramas cooly very much appreciated.
When my three-year-old and I are leaving the YMCA several times a week, we play a game: he takes the stairs, and I take the elevator - we see who gets downstairs first. He is out of my sight about thirty seconds. He does not go out the front door without me. I am trying to teach him to tell helpful adults that his mama is right behind him, because I there is often someone hovering over him when I catch up with him - I hate to worry people who don’t know our routine.
I’m glad that people are looking out for him; I’d do the same for other kids. I’m also glad that no one has reported me for negligence. I think we’ve reached the perfect balance in our community - but honestly, isn’t it sad we have to worry about things like this?
We live in a college town, fairly large, but in my neighborhood and downtown, I feel like people know me and my children well, and that they’re perfectly safe, as long as a car doesn’t whip around the corner when they’re trying to cross the street. (The older one, that is; even I don’t let a 3-year-old cross the street by himself!)
As with all things, I think finding a place where you’re known and feel safe, and branching out from there is a good strategy. So, yes, the children can wander around in our local food cooperative, where everyone has known them since they were tiny nurslings, but not in the giant supermarket on the edge of town. We’ll see what happens next.
I live in a very small town- 200 people about- and we free-range our kids all the time. The ride bikes through the wilderness and even ride their horses through the hills into town. I let my 3 yr old play outside and roam quite a bit although under supervision so he doesn’t cross over into the field with the cows. The kids in town leave thier bikes all over the place and pick them up later, or days later. We always ask them to stick together and all the adults in town watch out for them. It is not uncommon to see the children wandering through town at 9 pm waiting for that moment that the sun drops and everyone needs to be home.
What I do worry about is cars. I also worry about paranoid tourists seeing our kids be free. I also worry about those poor kids who are being abused in thier homes or by some “uncle”. I worry about the kids having too much fun to stop and drink water or eat.
I love free-range children so so much.
I find the best thing to do is for the adults to get outside and meet your neighbors. This was very hard to do - I am a total antisocial geek by nature. But I forced myself to get to know the other people around us. I don’t know everyone on our block, but I know enough people that I feel comfortable letting the kids ride around. We walk everywhere. Because of this, we are recognized, and we recognize who ’should’ be around in the neighborhood. We can tell the kids which houses would be safe to go to if they were having trouble. Knowledge of our surroundings is the key.
Sara, regardless of laws you should do what you feel is right for your kids. My son was mature enough to ride the school bus in preschool; my daughter was in kindergarten before I could trust her to sit down and behave. Judge them for themselves, not by external standards.
snowmama, I think I’d ask the neighbors why one should pay the expenses of living in suburbia if it’s not safe enough to let kids play outside without an adult guarding them. Seriously, I would. Because Molly’s got good points. Maybe getting to know them would help them feel more comfortable. Maybe not, if they’re that insecure and paranoid.
I walked my son to school today and along the way quizzed him at every block as far as which way to go. He is 6, and going into 1st grade next year. The goal is to get him to the point that by the time his little brother is his age they can walk to school together without parental supervision. It is hard because there is one pretty busy road to cross. But the 6 year old already has great instincts when it comes to road crossings, we were at a stop sign across from the school, and he saw a car coming and he stopped and let the car come to the intersection and stop before he tried to cross!
On the flip side we had some neighbor kids over to play, but one girl wasn’t allowed to come into our house because her parents don’t know us well enough, this is our next door neighbor! It’s not a big deal because she is much older than our oldest so her coming over won’t be a regular thing, but we are the house with the cool trampoline so it is an issue. I told her to let her parents know that any time they want to come over, see the house and spend more time with us they are welcome.
I think the biggest ideas are walking the kids to school, letting them tell you the way so you can be sure they know the way. And communicating with your neighbors so everyone knows each others kids and develops a sense of custody and caring for them. While it might sound like a cliche, it really does take a village. And if we as adults can break ourselves away from our insular little lives maybe we will feel safer about our kids.
I think this site needs a seperate idea page for what to say when others question the ‘free-range’ parenting approach
I, for one, have more problems with people explaining to me why I am an idiot then thinking of idea’s to keep my kids’ safe.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and want to offer another angle on the fear factor affecting our kids and making it hard to raise “free range kids.” Here’s a link to an article I wrote recently about how excessive safety rules are actually harmful to kids as it makes them less likely to know a reasonable rule when they see one. I’d love to know if anyone agrees:
http://www.burbia.com/node/1697
I love this! After reading around here at the website I’ve lightened up even more (I’ve tried not to hover too much). Last week our 14yos forgot to give me two DVDs that had to go back to our church library when I’d made a run. So instead of me going back in the car, I had him walk it a few days later (probably 10-14 blocks from here). I did ask if he wanted to look at a map before he went, which he did, but he did fine — of course. Now I’m letting the youngers play out front more, letting those who ask do “wild” experiments more (including lighting a fire inside a tuna can, outside), let our 6yo light candles in the evenings, etc. Seems like such huge things — but sadly so, eh? Thanks for the blog.
This is amazing. I thought I was just a being a good parent, now I am part of a movement. My kids are “Free Range”. Rats, I thought they were just kids.
What the hell is this insanity?
We have to have a movement, a catchy name and a blog before we will let our kids be kids?
My kids have been able & encouraged to get out of the house without supervision since they were little. They were encouraged to walk the neighborhood by themselves, to explore, to learn & grow without mommy and daddy.
Other kids in the area love to come to our house because we let the kids be kid, by themselves, without constant monitoring. They learn how to settle differences, how to get along, and how to be part of a group.
Crap.
My kid plays with powertools, runs the saw mill, drive, lights fires in the woodstove, cook son the gas range, runs all over the forest we live in (124 acres surrounded by other large tracts of land), flies transcontinentally, talks to strangers . . . she’s ALWAYS talked to strangers.
For that matter, she’s never met a stranger–just people she wants to talk to whose names she doesn’t yet know. How are you going to learn to distinguish between and assess people, if you have no exposure to them? We’ve always talked at length about people who give me a chill, to assess that split-second intuitional gut feeling . . . how can you learn to identify and trust that, if you never meet people who are “off”?
I think people forget that the “play” of childhood is shaping future adults. Children are constantly finding our more about their world in their interactions with it . . . which sure does explain a lot about kids who go to school, come home from school, lock themselves in the house with their homework and video games and television until their parents come home, go to bed, and repeat that 5 days a week.
Oh–that, too. We don’t just free-range on evenings and weekends. We sprung our kid from school, too.
–Jen
I was raised as a free range child on the north side of Chicago back in the early 70s. From the age of around 4, I was walking to school and to the playground with my 9 year old sister as chaperone. By the time I was 6, I was doing both myself unescorted. There was nothing unusual about that, every other kid in the neighborhood did exactly the same thing. And amazingly enough, in the middle of America’s second largest city (at the time), all of us managed to make it through childhood with nothing more than a few scraped knees and a strong sense of self-reliance and independence.
Now that I am the father of a 2 1/2 year old daughter, I am fighting every natural instinct in my body to be a helicopter parent. Of course I want her to avoid falling off the jungle gym, and of course I want her to not have conflicts with other kids, and of course I want to keep her safe at all times. But the adult version of all of these things will happen to her eventually, so she should learn about how to handle these issues at an early age by herself. It is actually counterproductive to her development to not give her the chance to get hurt occasionally (within reason, of course). That’s how we all learn to function in the world, and how we learn to measure whether to take risks.
I know a LOT of parents who raised their kids in a bubble, and to be honest many (ok, most) of these kids are extraordinarily risk averse, sadly lacking in ambition, and frankly. . . well. . . pretty boring to talk to.
P.S. Dora the Explorer should be the poster child for free range kids. She goes on long expeditions with only her co-dependent friend Boots for company, a random selection of odds and ends in her backpack, a rather vague map, and she faces extraordinary challenges (like the frequently recurring Crocodile Lake, and a kleptomaniac fox), all without any parental supervision whatsoever.
I’m a Free Range parent, thanks for the term by the way, and proud. I have four independant, intelligent and self-reliant children to show for it. My youngest son at seven years old has Muscular Dystrophy and uses a wheel chair and does as much for himself as his siblings. He cleans his own room, prepares himself simple meals, plays outdoors and can visit friends a few blocks away. I refuse to rob my kids of any chance at living their life and knowing that they did things for themselves to make myself feel better. Contrary to popular belief, crime is not on the rise, paranoia, however, is. How sad for the children who are never allowed the chance to say “I did that! All on my own!”
Hooray, you are wonderful people to stir this up.
This is FANTASTIC.
With love from a melbourne mum.
I want to cry reading this. I thought I was the ONLY person who felt like this, and therefore thought I was wrong. I want to let my two kids walk to school alone (but together) on a hiking trail through a nature preserve and I’ve been told that I’m nuts. I let my 9-year old (who is now 10 1/2) walk to his friends house - only 4 blocks away - not crossing any major streets - and I’ve been told that I’m nuts. I think my 10 1/2 year old is very mature and responsible, but everyone else I know watches their childs’ every move - so even if I try to let him have some independence with friends, another parent is always hovering. I just don’t feel there are even enough opportunities for them to have some reasonable freedom. I know he would have loved the “find your way home from Bloomindale’s” challenge/experiment.
Thanks for starting a movement!
I think is wonderful what you are doing.
In my community I have been organizing an outdoor playgroup in all seasons, No bad weather only bad clothing.
Check out our website http://www.activekidsclub.com/
Ms. Skenazy:
We discovered your site via an Iconoculture email sent last week. We have been studying some of the same ideas and issues regarding Millennials and their influencers. As a marketing firm serving higher education, we’re constantly monitoring the identity of this generation in an effort to clearly communicate with them.
We’re faced with the challenge of addressing these parent/child partnerships everyday. In our studies, we often find ourselves waiting for signs of a “market correction.” Knowing that the most significant change in parenting will like come from different (Gen X) parents, we published this article http://www.rhb.com/pages/beinspired/resources/grounding-the-helicopters.html in response to the announcement of the television show, Kid Nation. We’d be pleased to hear/read your response.
I am a 37 y/o Gen Xer expecting Baby No. 1. Quite possibly this will be the only child I get to have, with the biological clock ticking merrily along. I want to get this right — but I reject the idea that I (or my child) must be perfect. I think we can accept an A for effort, and just enjoy childhood for the innocent, carefree time it should be. There will be plenty enough time for stress and structure in adulthood.
My theory is that due to declining birthrates and family sizes, there’s a bit of the “precious child” syndrome going on with helicopter parents. We all start out being incessantly marketed to buy this gadget or that geegaw for our wonder baby (with the implication being that if you don’t buy these things, you’re uncaring). In our consumer quest, we extend that into childhood with endless programmatic “lessons” and tightly-controlled “activities.”
Then the media attempts to sell fear, which they excel at 24-7 now with the cable news media cycle. Instead of consuming goods, we consume the histrionic threats that media marketers sell to us. They take the most isolated, extreme examples and pitch them to viewers as if it were something that “could happen to you!” (or your child, which is worse).
Finally, there are the institutional pillars — the school, the government, the community services — who fear litigation for their own liability should a rare accident or incident occur on their “watch”. So deeply have these child-guardians internalized media messaging and fear culture, that to reject the “every child is in danger” model is to court allegations of child neglect or even abuse.
My husband and I fully intend to raise our child(ren) the way we were raised — not wild, but free to roam. Not out of control, but untethered. We accept that bad things sometimes happen, and that our child will have to learn to assess risks and accept the consequences of a poor choice… as well as a few simple pratfalls that result from honestly trying and failing.
This is such an encouraging site. Best wishes.
Fear of stranger-danger is keeping our children under virtual house arrest, where they watch TV, play video games and talk on cell phones. They have become disconnected from the outdoors, and this disconnect has harmed them physically, mentally and even spiritually. In his book Last Child in the Woods, Richard Louv offers compelling research about “Nature Deficit Disorder” and why we need to get our kids outdoors again in unstructured play. His book has started a national movement. Go to the Children and Nature Network site to see what is happening and join in: http://www.cnaturenet.org . Thanks Lenore for raising awareness about this.
I’m almost 13, and in theory, I agree with everything posted here. Kids should have freedom — my friend has been traveling home alone since she was eight, and she’s still alive. In fact, despite someone’s comment that “A scared child is going to behave LIKE A SCARED child, filled with panic and possibly frozen in fear,” that particular friend was threatened at age 9 on the subway alone. She yelled, kicked, and punched, someone heard her, and she continued on the NYC subway home. The truth is, the comments about “…a gentleman was beaten and murdered on a subway platform…” may be valid, but need to be considered. What time was this, honestly? How many people were around? Because I personally would much rather be in a chaotic train station, such as the one at Union Square, then a calm, empty one where if some crazy guy came in, no one would be there to witness it.
I’ll admit that I’m personally paranoid, but being a rather intelligent person, I know enough to analyze the chances that I’m going to get home alive, and I’m reasonable enough. I’m not comfortable on the 6 train alone, but I’m more than happy to take the 1. I spent an hour walking around the Bronx Zoo area of the Bronx with friends, and the adult with us was blocks away. I feel comfortable in ANY situation if I’m with a friend, because I know that in a rare case where one of us is molested and no one listens to us yell, the other can run and get help.
On the other hand, a couple things HAVE happened to me: a guy winked at me on the bus and walked to stand close to me (his breath smelled like weed), I was outside my piano teacher’s house and a guy biked past, mumbled something, then swung back around immediately and started to slow down when he got to me (I ran inside), etc. I took a self-defense class that made me more paranoid because we didn’t talk at all, just fought. So if anyone has anything encouraging to say, that would be appreciated. I can reason it out by myself, but I still don’t like taking the 6 alone, and would love to be comfortable doing that.
Sixteen years ago, when I was 14 years old, I spent a summer in Oslo, Norway, with my parents. When they felt I was ready, they let me take the subway from suburban Oslo to downtown Oslo to spend the day by myself. I had no cell phone and there was no way for them to contact me if they wanted/needed to. I am thankful that my parents allowed me to have learning experiences such as this, and I find it amazing that 14-year-olds today are hardly allowed to walk to school alone.
I’m a 51 year old child-free (smile) woman who has been amazed at the coddling my friends and siblings lavish on their children, particularly including the “never out of their sight” parenting that none of us experienced as children.
The concept that “it’s not as safe out there as it was when we were kids” (in the 1950’s and 1960’s) is simply, statistically, false. The only changes that have happened since we were kids are: (1) more reporting of pedophilia incidents by the victims; and (2) more reporting of the incidents by the media, and in movies and TV shows. So we are more AWARE of the horrible, horrible things that have happened to children, and most parents have opted to make the risk of that happening to THEIR kid equal to zero. And yet, we have children abducted from the safety of their own bedrooms in the dark of night too.
Since I’m not a parent, I’m not in a position to tell anyone how they should raise their kids. But I’m very impressed with those of you who are taking this “Free Range Kids” stand - standing counter to the panic-mavens is very, very brave. And, frankly, when I think about my nieces and nephews, I’m really glad their parents take no risks with them - the thought of one of them being molested or killed makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about the possibility of it. And, because of the way they’ve been raised, the ones under 10 years old are NOT equipped to be wandering off on their own. So bravo to you parents who have raised self-sufficient, confident little ones. They will be our future leaders as all the currently-coddled whine about life in the real world as grownups, I suspect!
I’m grateful that I was able to experience the incredible joy and freedom of riding my bike to the park to meet up with my friends whenever I wanted to. The joyful day of getting out of school for the summer just can’t be the same experience for kids today as it was for me and my peers 35-45 years ago. And I agree with the others that the self-sufficiency we were forced to learn as kids has suited me well for a successful career in business. Good luck to you all.
I’m always suprised at how many new parents are sucked into the vortex of the newest parenting “expert” and the hottest “issue” that they need to beware for their children. I try to have a balanced approach - my kids are only 2 & 4, so I am not quite ready to send them on the subway alone yet! But many of the moms we have playdates with are shocked and amazed at the things we let them do alone.
How do parents think their children will acquire any skills without trying and failing a few times? We survived metal playgrounds, sitting in the “way back” of the station wagon, playing ALONE (shock and awe!) in the yard - or even going spelunking through the woods and neighborhood unattended!
I am probably most protective when it comes to some of the crap food that comes along these days - but even then, I realize a bit of food coloring in a popsicle from the icecream man will not make the kids spontaneously combust
Really enjoying this site!!
Another good book to point people to is The Power of Play by David Elkind. He makes a very good case for why children need unstructured, adult-free play to have healthy development.
I heard him speak recently. As a parent who does not overschedule her kids, who refuses to buy them video games, who does not currently own a real TV, and who shoos them outside to find some mud to roll in on a daily basis, I asked him “Am I putting my kids at some social disadvantage, due to the fact that they have fewer experiences in common with their peers?” His answer: “Not at all. My best, most interesting (college) students are the ones whose parents did the same thing. They are social, confident, and have no trouble relating to their peers” Vindication!
Hurray!
I have found “my people”
I was born free range…raised free range…and have been an educator for 31 years of both free and bonded children.
14 years ago my daughter’s best friend successfully
escaped two predators “surfing” a school bus waiting for one child to get off. She ran right through the barbed wire at her dairy and the muck…and because these guys don’t like a kid who is too much trouble,
like most criminals, they left….Colleen was too much trouble
She was powerfilled, she told (very important)
She was confident, and creative and believed in herself and her right to be safe…
I go from school to school explaining how children can roam about safely………giving seminars to parents on how to let go after giving their children the tools to use.
Fire fighters tell us to Stop, Drop and Roll if our clothes should ever catch on fire…will this ever be needed?
probably NOT!
So when I go into a school and explain that it is great to go out and play with your buddies, I give them tools of awareness, watch and listen,( a bad adult looks the same as any other stranger) they will probably never need, but if they do, they can also easily (without much effort) be too much trouble for anyone to take, or mess with.
If I could only teach one thing I would tell them to walk with their heads up and keep an eye on what is going on in their world….an aware kid is not an easy target…….
If lost- head (straight, and with purpose) for a cashier, children know where they can be found in any store or mall, and the cashier can call the guardian to come to them…..
I want to stop obesity, I want to stop the hysteria, I want kids to know that, a a child with a plan can be way to scary to mess with….
Since leaving the classroom to follow my passion,
I have taught over 100,000 children and parents…their parents love it and the kids call me the safety lady.
Districts hire me as an outside contractor to deliver my parent seminars and Children’s assemblies.
I have written four books on safety for ages Pre-K-2
3-4 grades, 5-6 grades and Junior High. I also am writing handbooks for parents and teachers. I am hoping to have a publisher this year. I want to sell them as a picture book set.
The plan stays the same, the awareness and strategies
and challenges changes as safety becomes exposure to different situations.
A stranger is not a bad person! You would not believe what some parents have taught their Kindergarteners!
The world is filled with great people and a fun place to be out in.
For the kids (or parents) who need a safety plan I have
provided one……in hopes that all children will be free range again and be way to much trouble for any adult with bad behavior to ever challenge.
For the writer who started this, Kudos! Please visit my website. I believe you are from New York, where I was born…
I rode the subway to the world’s fair in the sixties……
I have raised confident daughters, who have heightened awareness but don’t have a fearfulness of all around them.
Melinda Tripp
Mother
Safety Educator
APE Safety Seminars
I was a free range kid and so are my children. So much so that we began homeschooling them two years ago. The local schools now resemble prisons more than anything else…high fences, cameras everywhere, kids locked in and parents locked out. You actually have to ring a buzzer, get interrogated via speaker (under camera surveillance) before you can even get into where your child is. Enough already! My girls play all over our neighborhood (everyone has at least an acre or two) but are encouraged to stay with a couple of friends as there are 2 trailer parks nearby which are home to the local drug dealers/hookers and pervs. So far the only bad thing to happen was my daughter was bitten by an unknown insect in the woods and is having a terrible reaction to it. Not bad if the only thing they have to fear is bugs…LOL Off to the Dr. for a change in antibiotics.
I think all this concern about child molesters is crazy. I
say go on the list of sex offenders and welcome them
into the neighborhood. Maybe we can send our kids over to help around the house. That way we can prove
that they dont’ really want to abuse our kids. Make sure
when we send the kids over, dress them in bathiing suits or something. Anything that shows alot of skin. That way the accused molesters won’t think we are
deliberately covering our kids’ bodies up in fear of them. This way they will know that we trust them and
maybe the kids will have fun with them.
To me, the whole “stranger danger” thing is over-exaggerated and dangerous for kids. Why? Because I’ve met kids that were so indoctrinated to never talk to strangers that if they became lost, they wouldn’t even talk to a “stranger” to even tell them who their mom was. They didn’t know when it was okay to talk to someone and when they shouldn’t. They couldn’t decide which strangers might be dangerous because they thought ALL strangers were dangerous. These are the kids who run in fear from the security guards in a store when they get lost because a “stranger” is talking to them.
My daughter is 6 now, just finishing 1st grade (she started early). She talks to pretty much everyone. This is scary for me because I’m sort-of introverted and a little anti-social…but as long as she’s with me, she knows she can talk to anyone. When she started to walk in stores instead of staying in the cart or stroller (around 3 years old) we talked about what to do if she got separated from me.
Who should she talk to if mommy is not there? And it became sort of a game, I used to ask her all the time to look at the adults around us and tell me who she would talk to if mommy got lost. We discussed who was most likely to be safe to talk to and drilled “good touch/bad touch” into her head. She learned to tell a store person or any adult she could find to help my name and cell phone number. As she got older, we discussed where in the store to meet if we got separated. Now, she has a cell phone…but the darn thing has been lost or forgotten so many times that we can’t really count on it.
I still get nervous if she wanders away from me. But I bite my tongue and go sit at customer service waiting for her to call or find me. She can do it and it’s important for her to KNOW that she can.
Lenore wrote:
“A movement needs…movement. We need to start changing things, before the next generation of kids grows up without ever experiencing one cartwheel without adult supervision (and a snack).”
…and a helmet, and knee and elbow pads, and only performed on a foam-padded surface with a spotter (or maybe two if the child is big) and followed by concerned questioning by the parent to see if the child is still all right.
BRAVA, Lenore! Great site!
Thank you, Lenore, for bringing this topic to the limelight. I had often wondered about all the “dangers” parents had to guard against in raising their children today. Inwardly, I’d thought parents were becoming a little paranoid and not trusting enough in the capabilities of their children. Or maybe, I just wasn’t aware of just how dangerous the world had really become! LOL!!
I have a 2.5yo daughter and I am encouraging her to climb and descend the stairs in our home by herself. I remind her to hold on to the railing and I will myself not to run out into the landing to watch her. I must admit I’m quite proud of “myself!”
Ah! What feat next!
I was a free-range kid up until 9 years old. The year was 1998, around the time when the news network and Oprah show scares exploded into the mass culture.
I used to walk around my artistic, eclectic home town in the middle of the day so that I could be by myself for an hour, to think about all kinds of things and sing to myself and just LOOK around me; it was great because these were things that I liked to do and did not get the chance to if I was in the house with my four siblings or playing with the neighbor kids! Then one day to my dismay, my young mom (who was only trying to be a “good” parent, like so many are) told me that I was not allowed to take walks by myself anymore because someone “can just come and take you”.
At that time there were no reports of children being abducted in the town, I always walked in broad daylight and never more than a mile away from home, and most of the other people knew us at least from school. So I did not understand why all of a sudden I had something taken away from me that had never gone wrong.
Why did my parent start to think this way, even though she knew before that I had always been safe? Why did she suddenly decide that other people could not be trusted to detect anything suspicious involving a child and an adult in the middle of the day, on the sidewalk? These days, it’s because the TV is louder than the truth you see when you look outside, at the present moment. The media has news flashes; real life does not. But what a lot of parents need to think about more is that the media is not reral life, and it especially not their own real life!
This is all fantastic - thank you for doing your part to bring this nation to it’s senses.
I was hiking with my 10 year old son this past weekend - after a steep climb/crawl up a hill, I offered him a snack…and he declined because he said his hands were dirty. I had to tell him it’s OK to get muddy sometimes - it was very discouraging. Oh well - next weekend we’ll get real dirty just for fun.
[...] I have enjoyed reading her new blog, Free Range Kids, enough so that I included it in my Blogroll (seen at the bottom of my webpage). The comments are interesting, and definitely appear to be polarized. It seems that either a parent supports the idea of Free Range Parenting, or they think it is the equivalent of throwing one’s infant off a 15 story building onto a trampo… [...]
I found this through Lenore’s column in funny times-what a relief to see I’m not the only parent like this! Sometimes I worry I’m endangering my kids by encouraging them to go out and try things on their own. Not any more. Whew!
My advice to the kids was ask a mom with kids or a person working in the store wearing a uniform for help if they needed help. I taught them how to talk to strangers, how to recognize if someone was a bit “off” and what to do. After all, if you’re in trouble, who’s going to help you? The odds a friend comes along right that minute are pretty low so it’s got to be a stranger who helps you get out of the pickle you’re in.
We also practice observing surroundings and paying attention to the way we’re traveling so they create a mental map and can find their way home.
Gavin deBecker has some great books on knowing how to trust your instincts and how to trust yourself to stay out of trouble. They do play to the “But he’ll get kidnapped!” crowd, so you have to ignore that, but taken at face value, he does have good advice.
Something I would suggest that’s invaluable (expensive but worth every penny) is having your kid be an exchange student. Someone else talked about empowerment. This changes your child for the better forever. We went with AFS, (American Field Service) The experience of being in another country and shifting for themselves gives them such empowerment. For the rest of their lives they carry with them the knowledge they were able to accomplish this at 15 or 16. They have host parents and are well supervised, but they have such opportunities for free ranging!
My daughter is finishing her year in New Zealand and has done so much. She is braver and stronger than I ever could have been at 16. Reading her letters, I see what a terrific woman she is growing into. I am so very proud of her.
Hi webmaster!
A couple of years ago a lady (don’t recall her name, sorry) wrote a book entitled “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee”. The book encourages this very idea of ‘free range’ along with a lot of ideas on how to make your child more self reliant. I recommend it.
Oddly enough, my husband forwarded this website to me with the tag-line, “Thought you would really like this.” He’s not quite there yet. We only have a 1-and-a-half year-old so far, but it’s already very clear that she’s going to be very independent, and that he’s going to have a hard time letting her go.
I never knew before that I was raised as a free-range kid. At 9 and 10, my mom let me ride my bike about 8 blocks every day to a very busy supermarket. I would buy an apple and a box of lemonheads with loose change I’d find around the house. My aunt would let me play with fireplace matches as early as three (as long as I didn’t leave the stove). At 12, my best friend and I would take the city bus and spend all afternoon at the mall, or we’d go into the woods behind our apartments and crawl through pitch-black, unused drainage pipes (that was a rush!), with all our parent’s knowledge. At 6, my dad taught me how to safely use a gun and let me shoot oranges at the range (he also kept the gun unloaded and hidden while at home).
I actually think my parent’s free-range spirit may have saved my life on one occasion. The first time she let me stay home alone was when I was eight (none of my friends got to do that that early). She was going to run an errand and asked if I wanted to come or stay home by myself. I opted to stay home. Two hours later, I got a call from my mom’s friend telling me that my mom had been in a car accident and she was going to come pick me up to spend the night. My mom was mildly injured, but had I been in the car, the impact of the hit on the passenger’s side where I would have been would surely have completely crushed me. I was much safer home alone finishing up my spelling words than in the car with my mom that day.
One technique I learned on my own while riding the city bus or hanging at the mall was how to behave around questionable people. As a pre-teen girl, I learned how to look tough. I’d look someone straight in the eyes with a stern glare. No creepy guy ever attempted to approach me because I appeared confident and maybe even mean. Those are instincts you don’t pick up when your parents are hovering over you.
My husband however struggled to free himself from his parents’ hovering so he could go away to college! Most of his younger brothers (there are six boys) have lived at home well into their twenties! Boy will they be shocked when their baby neice moves out before they do!
My biggest fear about the free range thing is not what will happen to my kid (probably nothing) but how on earth he will ever make any friends? It seems like everyone around here is a generation of helicopter parents, and I get the stink eye for being “neglectful”. Hmmm.
gypsy elle
Shooting at 6? LOL; Come on; even the rest of you
free range parents have to be skeptical of that. Let’s
hear how many are for or against a 6 year old with a
gun. I’ll start it off. Uhhhhhh no from me. Let’s hear only from the free range parents. I am just curious how
you folks feel about shooting stuff at 6. Thanks!
My dad bought me a BB gun at 5. By 12 I was running around the neighborhood (suburban/rural), alone and with friends, shooting stuff with my pellet gun. We all knew never to shoot at anyone, and everyone knew basic gun safety (never look down the barrel, always keep the safety on, slide the gun under the fence before climbing it). I really can’t say that all of this was wise, although no one was ever hurt.
I’m now a mom of a 4 year old and of course grandad bought my son a bb gun. It scares me to death! But I’m also sad that he will never be able to do the stuff I did.
annie oakley
Not sure if you are for or against the gun thing. You seem to be on the fence there. I would say this. The other poster was talking about a real gun not a bb gun.
For me, both are two dangerous for a 5 or 6 year old but that’s just me. I live in an urban area anyway and both are illegal. Well, come on. Let’s here from the rest of the free range parents. For or against 6 year old shooting a gun.
Lenore,
Thank you so much for creating another venue for people to discuss this very important issue! My idea is for you to connect, if you haven’t already, with Roger Hart at CUNY. Roger is the head of the Children’s Environmental Research Group , and has been studying the changing nature of childhood and working on play advocacy issues and others for years. There’s a huge worldwide play movement out there that could become even stronger and more visible with the addition of Free Range Kids. Check out Alliance for Childhood, as well. Keep on keepin on!!!
SS
Okay ; cool here is a whole new group of people to way in on the hot button issue of 5 and 6 year olds and
gun usage. Where do these folks stand? Let’s here from Roger Hart and the Children’s Environmental Research Group. He sounds like an expert. I hope we hear from him. Thanks!!!
Oops. Sorry for any confusion. I wasn’t responding to the gun issue, but I hopefully you’ll find his work interesting anyway. take care!
I give my two boys a walkie-talkie when they go to the creek to play, and I keep the other one at home. Just in case they meet up with a mean water moccasin. Alas, that hasn’t happened, though they have seen some water snakes. This makes them happier than you would believe.
We as parents need to rethink how we think about raising children. Creating “free range children” has been my work for the last 15 years, and the biggest problem to creating lasting change in the kids has always been the parents.
So here are some ideas:
-Kill your T.V.
-Kill your internet connection.
-Learn to play music with your kids. Not listen to cd’s, play music.
-Create errands that take the kids outside. ie. see if the blackberries in the vacant lot next door are blooming, how many houses on our block have roses growing in the front yard.
-Get your kids to tell you their story of their adventure, because you already realize that what ever the errand is that you sent them on is secondary to the experience that the kids are having.
-Model this yourself.
-Stop telling your kids “be careful”, and start telling them “be aware”.
Believe it our not humans have a very high degree of inherent competence. Give your kids the chance to succeed, and they will.
I agree though I don’t think you can kill your tv or internet connection. I think they are machines and thus
not really alive. You can disable them. That might be a better word. Good luck!
Disabling them does not make them inactive. I chose killing them very deliberately. We treat our internet and TV as living things. We model our eating, dressing, recreating, thinking etc. off of both of these things. Neither one of which is real. They are both gross abstractions from reality. We have forgotten to unsuspended reality after we watch TV or spend time on the internet, as evidenced by how much TV influences what we do in our lives.
Our urban neighborhood is in the process of turning over from empty nesters to young families and so we’ve had a large increase in the number of kids over the past 5 years. Our biggest issue with sending the kids “out to play” is that since they all go to different schools (magnet programs,etc) spread across the county there hasn’t been a way to get to know each other without some parental manipulation. (and don’t get me started about the excessive amount of homework) Not everyone is that close in proximity and our kids have no idea how to go knock on Billy’s door and ask if he can come out to play. To get the ball rolling, we organized a neighborhood scavenger hunt where each team kicked off at one person’s house and had to visit each team member’s house in their search. They had to work with each other to figure out who had what items and what route to take to get to each house. We made them ride bikes too. We had so many kids interested that we had 3 different groups of about 12 each! For the summer we’re planning to have “bike & breakfast” where we send them off biking together and then have a big breakfast afterward, and “board game mornings” where they’ll meet at one kid’s house to play games before the pools open. Parents’ job is to send them off to the event but NO HOVERING will be allowed! We’re hoping that as they get to know each other better and are familiar with where each kid lives, they’ll get used to the idea of just popping in at a friends “to play.”
Mark,
Ok; I got it now. You meant to kill your TV and internet connection though perhaps killing the computer itself might be better as with the presence
of WiFi networks internet availability might be a concern. Good luck to you!
I was a free range kid and what troubles me most about this new generation is the level of organization that governs kids’ lives. Some of the members of my book club are professors who tell stories about parents following their children to college to discuss grades and track down professors when their students aren’t doing well (much to the embarrassment of the student). Now that is sad. We have to back off if we are to raise kids to independent adulthoods.
I live in a family-friendly neighborhood with a walk or drive-to school (no busing at all). Lots of kids walk, but I’m still amazed at the level of worry in most parents’ minds. The biggest challenge is learning how to relax a little. My kids are 8 and 11 and I plan to let them head to the corner store together this summer (about 8 blocks away). My older one gets to ride her bike around the neighborhood, play at the school, and go to friends’ houses alone. We live in a car-centered town, but now I’m thinking about teaching her to use the bus system (inspired by this blog) to get around this summer. Mostly, I’m just so happy to discover other people feel as I do because I feel like a loner in my beliefs. And I will be so curious to see where this discussion goes because I feel Lenore has tapped into a profound cultural divide that needs to be examined.
We live on a wooded 1.25 acre lot. We give our 4 year old son many opportunities to “travel the trails” by himself. They don’t go very far from the house, but in the summer the leaves hide the trails from view. The “trails” were made by deer. We introduced this when he was 2 yrs old by letting him start on one end of the trail, and then we met him on the other end. Now he cruises around the trails by himself. When his friends come over, he asks them to travel the trails and they are afraid to leave their parents.
I just finished reading the book: Last Child in the Woods: Saving our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder
I highly recommend this book.
Sharon
Hi Lenore,
Thanks for putting up the good fight to preserve the inner wildness and autonomy for kids to get out , and experience life. To often we’re pulling the trump card of “safety” without rethinking how culturally we have been misled by “experts” and news pundits touting fear. Thanks for taking the brave step forward and encouraging not only your kids, but the people you come in contact, to break away from an unhealthy conformity to being “safe.”
I am also a teacher at a independent school in Seattle, where we encourage fence climbing and taking some risk. http://preschoolpunks.wordpress.com/category/risky-business/
Best!
Paul
Oh I am so happy to find you! I am DYING here in L.A. where my daughter is one of five children on a very long block of about 18 houses. We are in a neighborhood of old people, by and large. When I moved here, I chose this house partly because the neighbors across the street had a playset on their front lawn. That meant - to me - that I could send my child out to play! I have now come to understand that virtually NO ONE here sends their child out to play. I have been driving around for two years, looking for places where kids play outside, in the street. Who is playing Running Bases? Ringoleavio? SPUD? Where did all the kids go? I am told that a lot of families have left metro LA for the hinterlands of Simi, Santa Clarita, and Conejo valleys. The parks around me are empty all day - I am really saddened by this. It feels like no one likes this park - it is huge! It is pretty much filled with homeless guys during the day. Maybe gang members at night? The other parks around me are filled with people but they are definitely not from the same world - I’ve been scared off by the gang mama arguments. We went back to New York recently, and we noticed the same thing pretty much. Kids aren’t out in the street (cars are a big issue in both places, it appears - but cars have been around for 60 years!), and are not allowed to ride their bikes to school until 3rd grade (what’s UP with THAT???) in some areas, parks in NY are often ‘only for residents’ of that neighborhood. In LA, that would be unheard of. But it is understandable if someone wants to keep their park clean and neat, they don’t want a gang of people throwing trash and tagging the park. Sorry to ramble. I REALLY want to live somewhere where a kid can be a kid, and discover freedom and self-confidence. I am desperate.
Sheila: the bit about kids not being able to ride their bikes to school until third grade almost certainly comes from a fear of lawsuits; schools can be held liable for anything that happens to kids on their way to/from school. And that “anything” is really anything, even minor stuff like scraped knees. Part of the reason that we see all those posts about European kids and their much greater independence is that they live in much less litigious societies (and they also don’t have the kind of car culture that’s necessary for helicopter parenting).
Recently my wife had to go on a business trip out of town for a week, which left me with our two children ages 9 and 11. I work night shift which makes it difficult and expensive to find a sitter who is willing to watch the kids at night. The first three night while she was gone I was able to get a sitter for them, but on the 4th night the sitter called and said that he wouldn’t be able to work which left me in a tough situation; call into work or let my boys stay at home alone for the night.
After carefully weighing the risks, I choose to let them stay at home by themselves. This wasn’t their first time by themselves, and in the past they have always behaved superbly and went out of their way to prove that they where responsible enough to do so. Before leaving for the evening I made sure they had my work number and emergency numbers, knew not to answer the door or leave the house, and that they couldn’t use the stove or other appliances (once a week they cook a simple dinner for the family by themselves, usually something like Mac and Cheese or Hot dogs).
My biggest concern when leaving the house wasn’t a fire, burglary, or kidnapping but whether or not the neighbors would try to turn me in for leaving them unattended overnight if they ever found out, and what my co-workers would think about it. The funny thing is, my kids would be more likely to be molested by a sitter, than to have an emergency while they are alone in bed, asleep.
As a note, my 11 year old is a Boy Scout and this summer he is going camping for a week without me or his mom. While there he could possibly be abused by a malicious adult or youth leader who has unlimited access to him during that time. Yet allowing him to stay at home at night by himself where he is supposed to be the safest is considered to be negligent by many. I read the NSPCC website for the UK where I live now, and they don’t recommend leaving your child home alone at night until they are 16, or even for short periods of time until they are 13. http://www.nspcc.org.uk/helpandadvice/publications/leaflets/homealone_pdf_wdf36243.pdf . Supposedly, because of the mental anguish that it may cause, and unseen dangers in the darkness of the house.
Anyway, my kids survived their first night and tomorrow night they will get to do it again, only this time they will have to get themselves up, ready for school, and make their way to the school bus on time, all on their own.
I think they will do just fine.
My 9 year old son and his friend went around the neighborhood selling kool-aid door to door after school on Friday. They came up with the idea on their own, did the work on their own, and together they made 10 dollars. Afterwards, they even came up with a new business model for their next venture. Not a single parent was involved in the process, and in my opinion, this is the kind of lesson that makes children into successful, well adjusted adults.
I LOVE this site! I was a free range kid and am trying to raise one. He’s 14 and I think my contribution to this discussion is the idea that communication about awareness and safety is key. Not just the “be careful who is interested in what you’re doing” kind of awareness, but also the safety of “climbing a fence to get onto a building to jump into a pool may not be the safest way to play”. Yes, we had that conversation at 14. And then, yes, I did let him leave the house again.
It is amusing to me to read the caveats/qualifiers posters are putting on their descriptions of what they “let” their children do: “he can walk to the local store (8 blocks)” or “they go to friends’ houses (down the street)”.
Clearly even free range parents have some internal mental boundary beyond which it would not be safe to let their children roam.
On another point, Mark’s “kill your tv and internet” comment: the Internet is another area where the fear-mongering is out of control - if you let your kids browse the internet unmonitored, they will be preyed upon by perverts and pedophiles. Or, they will stumble upon pornography. How do the free range parents address “free ranging” the internet? Side note - I think the internet offers a lot of good stuff as well as the dreck, and part of my parental responsibility is to help my kids understand the difference.
It is my conclusion that letting your children have free range depends on what kind of children you have. When my daughter was five she was navigating the elevators in a large hospital all by herself, without my knowledge! With the help of strangers pushing buttons she couldn’t reach she would navigate herself to the juice machine on the previous floor! So, while I was stressing about my son’s health issues, my daughter indoctrinated me into free range parenting.
Living near the National Lake Shore strengthened our free range parenting. By the time our children were in the 5th grade they given the gradual freedom to kayak down Crystal River, sail the boat in Glen Lake, camp in the Dunes, take long runs in the woods, bikes to a friends house, go Moral mushroom hunting, or able to hang out at the beach.
What troubles did they have? My son got lost in a sail boat - could find where he docked!, and a flat tire on a bike.
When in Urban settings they were more than willing to learn how to navigate using mass transit.
Now these children have become citizens of the world and a lover of the wilderness. They have traveled in Europe with a German friend. Currently my daughter is in Chile studying at a University.
So, at the age of five my daughter started to teach me how to be a parent of free range children. Now I have a son that loves the wilderness and a daughter that is a citizen of the world. Being a free range parent has allowed many benefits for my children. no regrets!
Living in the UK we have the same issues with other parents being the main problem when your trying to allow your child to be independent. I have an 8 year old and she loves going out and playing football with her friends in the field behind our house and having the freedom to just be a kid. I can remeber when i was younger living in the welsh valleys I had mountains either side of our house and I would regularly go with a group of kids climbing and making dens and loving being a kid. I hope that my daughter will be able to enjoy the countryside as much as I did growing up.
I love this! I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING ME ‘What did you sign your kid up for this summer? What clases is he going to take?”
Uh, nothing. He is going to go swimming, to the movies, play with his dog etc etc. Downtime, man, downtime. They say “Who is going to take him?” I reply, Mr. Bus and Mr. Legs will take him. The boy can handle himself, he has learned how to do that.
[My summers were spent swimming, biking, reading, walking, goofing off and going to the movies.] : )
They are amazed, and I feel like they think that I am a bad parent. Too bad.
My son has dyslexia and ADD; he has been staying home during when school is not in session since he was 10 years old. He is now14. He takes a ferry with me in the morning to go to a specialized school, he gets on a bus to get to the school, and I get on another bus to get to work. He takes the bus BACK to the ferry dock, rides it, takes the bus home shy of 5 blocks, of which he WALKS. He calls me during the afternoon if there is a problem, he texts me to say “I’ve arrived home.”
He has a swim pass; he has a bus pass …. all set for the summer.
Oh yeah, he has two LONG legs to walk with. We live in a small town; he takes the bus to the park to play BB, to the swimming pool; to the library; to the movies .. I think that you get the pic
LONG LIVE FREE RANGE KIDDOS!
Here is what I do to ensure my child grows up to be a productive member of society:
1) He has to get to the bus stop on his own in the morning as I have to leave for work an hour before the bus comes (the bus stop is across the street)
2) At the grocery store we use the self check out. He scans, looks up the produce and uses my credit card to pay. I stand there. In the beginning the sales clerks would come up to “help” him with the produce codes so he would not have to look them up and I would have to tell them he could manage. Now they just smile and comment on how he is more competent than most adults who keep doing the same thing even though the screen says “error.”
3) He pumps the gas as the gas station. This includes paying for the gas and answering all the questions on the screen.
4) He has a quicken account on his computer. All his money is kept electronically so if he forgets to enter money he has earned it is just as sad as if I forget to turn in my receipts at work for reimbursement.
5) HE COOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we are not talking about heating up a frozen meal, we are talking about real, made from scratch meals. Recently he made garlic pull apart loaf for his Boy Scout Blue and Gold ceremony. Everyone was so impressed with his ability to cook, even the dad who is head chef at the Hyatt. (yes this is messy, sometimes things get burned or turn out horrible and I have to stay out of the kitchen for fear of interjecting but the knowledge he is gaining is invaluable and more than not the food is WONDERFUL)
6) When we fly I follow him. I tell him the airline and he has to find it so we can check in our bags. He then leads the way to the security check and then to the correct terminal. He also must lead us to baggage claim. If he is going the wrong way I keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out, we arrive early to ensure we don’t miss out flight. I got this idea from a pilot.
7) Every summer he flies, alone, to stay with my parents for a week. In the fall he flies to Space Camp, Alone.
* He packs himself for all our trips and Boy Scout camp outs.
9) He washes his own clothes
10) He uses the computer and maps to plan our routes when we go on vacation.
11) He plans our route using the bus and light rail when we go into Denver.
12) When he has a question about something he looks it up on the computer. His research skills are phenomenal!!
13) I ENCOURAGE him to help strangers when he sees they need it. This includes picking up things they have dropped, helping them with the door or luggage and in general just being polite and thoughtful.
HE IS 10 AND CAN FUNCTION JUST FINE.
Most of all I am not running around trying to do EVERYTHING. Because he is so self sufficient we have more time to play together.
Truth is, too many parents do not understand what being a parent means. It does not mean protecting tour children from all the injurious possibilities this world presents, but rather, teaching them how to protect themselves. As I have often said, “allow them to get the little bumps of life, so that they learn how to protect themselves from the big bumps”.
If we protect them from all harm, we become harmful - they do not learn how to look after themselves for when we’re no longer there, they do not develope self esteem, they do not learn to accept responsibility. In short, they do not learn how to become adults, and instead, become 50 or 60 year old children, assumming they are lucky enough to survive that long.
The child who is not taught to cross the street without supervision, does not learn how to ride their bike on the street without supervision; the pre-teen who does not ride their bike on the street without supervision, does not learn to drive their car safely, without supervision; the teen who does not learn to drive their car safely without supervision, drives 60 mph with a load of friends while text-messaging, and ends up sleeping with a marble pillow.
Fantastic! What a great mom (and dad)! I’m so frustrated by the out-of-perspective fear-mongering nowadays, which makes parents and kids afraid to do things with very low risk, and yet they routinely do/allow things which are inherently high risk.
Hi
I was just reading an article about the subway trip on our local new website - ninemsn.com
Anyway… I think I was perhaps 13 years old when on a trip to London to visit the Grandparents I was not ready to leave Hamleys the toy store on Oxford Street. I suggested to my mother I could find my way home - this was winter time when it was dark at 4pm.
To cut a long story short I found my way home safe and sound in time for grandma’s dinner and twenty odd years i’m still here safe and sound. Perhaps it was that little adventure that prompted me to take extended travels further in life - I do not know.
Some people may be shocked by the subway trip today (my grandfather would of been as he was a little upset with my mother for leaving me alone in a strange city) but others like myself say hey - got to learn some day about it all. Perhaps if your son had been left alone at the station with nothing I may feel differently.
One thing I may suggest: lessons on crossing the road - I still forget to look both way. I do always mind the step on the train though.
What an interesting topic………….
My son is 8 and my daughter is 5.
I do give my children a lot more credit than most and give them a bit of free range. I often say to my son ” if you think you can, and stay safe, you may”
But the fine line is easy to cross.
I personally ( not judging you) probably would not of allowed a subway travel, not for the fact that he coudnt handle it. ( he could)
but purely if GOD forbid he injured himself or worse, The rest of the world would say……What were you thinking….. as I might also for the rest of my days.But this is my problem
I do not disagree with your actions what so ever. I’m sure he had a ball, and what a great deal more confident he must feel.
If I were you , my comeback to criticism would be…..
“YOU SHOULD GIVE OUR CHILDREN A LITTLE MORE CREDIT THAN THAT”
happy mothering
Lisa
I can’t believe parents wrap their kids up in cotton wool these days. The amount of danger today is the same as 10, 20, 30 years ago, the only difference is the amount of media attention it gets now, which makes it seem as if it is more dangerous than before.
I raise my four kids to be responsible, confident, and self thinking humans which will benefit not only themselves but their kids and grankids. Remember how great it felt to ride your bike in the park with your friends or go to the shop for bread and milk for mum, well that’s something i encourage my kids to do ( 3 year old an exception of course) and something which they enjoy ,because it makes them feel responsible and grown up enough to help make choices about their enviroment and surrounds.It all starts with baby steps ,and if we don’t start with baby steps they’ll always be babies. Just an opinion.
WOW!! After raising my children as a single parent for around 13 years and teaching them how to ‘do’ things for themselves and ‘think’ independently, I am so pleased to read of others that have done the same (I have often been told I don’t care about my children enough). I agree with others on here that some parents have forgotten/don’t know what being a parent is about. It is to raise our children to be polite, able, self reliant human beings. We do not own them but must be conduits to their adulthood. Let them flow…
I grew up wrapped in cotton wool! It back fired on my parents, and I turned into the teenager from HELL!! Drugs, alcohol, boys, boys, boys. I stopped listening and started experiencing! They didnt know what to do! Suddenly all the things they were trying to protect me from I wanted to know all about, for example my brother and i were not aloud bikes, because heaven forbid we might fall off so i started hanging out the moment there backs were turned with boys who rode motorcyles…DROVE THEM CRAZY!!! My brother who is now 28 is the only one of his friends who cant ride a bike. I’m now (I hope) a mature adult and (I hope) a pretty good mum. The first thing I got my son when he started walking was a bike! He has skate boards and quad bikes, climes trees without a care in the world, he’s not worried about getting his clothes dirty on a sunny summers day like I was, and he’s happy! I was a reclusive kid always scared of geeting in trouble or getting hurt. AND IT SUCKED!!!!! My son is now 8, he rides his bike to school and walks down to the shops to buy a ice cream, (I wasnt aloud to do that until I was 13!…like I said backfired really badly on them!) but dont get me wrong he knows his stranger danger rules and goes with a friend. One thing that is great is how my Dad gets a kick out of how independent he is and how he will not break a part if he falls of his bike. He’s realised what he did, but his actions were out of love and the fear of loosing us, and every parent knows that feeling. It’s about getting a right balance, and thats a ongoing process. I’m 29 and I now find it cute that he rings to make sure I have a way home when I’m out with the girls. They think it’s funny, but thats my Dad I love him, but he drives me crazy!!! LOL
All these well-meaning parents, getting tied up in knots over whether or not they’re being adequate parents…it’s precisely what the gov’t wants, so that we aren’t scrutinizing what IT is doing (and, better yet, so it can throw us into highly-profitable jails, if it sees fit!). Don’t take MY word for it: read http://www.dunwalke.com
Hi Lenore!
I’m trying to get in touch with you, but I’m finding it difficult to get your contact info. I work for Chicago Magazine, and we would like to get an image of you to go along with a quote. If you can get back to me I would really appreciate it!
Thank You,
Jessica
It is about time parents realized that they are not wardens but parents, and to the supermoms - doing it all is not possible.
Common sense is taking over because we all now see we can’t do it all and watch our kids every second. It is better to teach them good skills. And hey, some self defense classes wouldn’t hurt.
What the world does not need is generations of people who were raised to be fearful of the world and other people, it isn’t natural.
I drive out of my neighborhood and there are no people walking or anything anymore, it is like no one is here. It would be great if kids felt safe enough to come out and play.
I found your site through an article in the Irish Times. Brilliant!
Good to know I’m not the only parent that prefers to let children experiment and learn.
(And good to know there are still some Americans with common sense
Hi Ronald, common sense is not so common anymore.
I was a free-range child and now my son is growing up free-range as well. When he was 5 & 6 years old I would let him ride his bike in the street and my neighbors would give me grief about it all the time (we lived on a quiet cul-de-sac with very little traffic and he was well rehearsed on getting out of the road when a car approached). When I tried to explain to my Florida neighbors that I grew up in New York City where we played in the streets all day long they just looked at me in disbelief.
As a home health nurse I make house calls to my patients at various times throughout the day (and night). There are many times during the week that I have to go see a patient and I leave my now 9 year old son home alone for anywhere from one to four hours. Like Izzy, he begged me for the opportunity to be independent “Please Mom, can I stay home alone? Pleeeease, I’ll be fine!” So once again, we practiced how to handle the various emergency situations, and off to work I went, and so far all has gone well.
Whether it’s the way he has been raised or just his innate personality, he is a supremely confident child and is fearless to take on new challenges. If he wakes in the middle of the night and I am not there it is no big deal to him…he usually gets a drink of water and goes back to sleep, knowing that all is right in the world and Mom will be home soon. I might add that he does have his own cell phone, and that we live in a close-knit, blue-collar neighborhood where everyone up and down the block knows everyone and keeps an eye out for each other. It really does take a village.
As a nurse I have seen plenty of patients who were the victims of random crimes and terrible accidents in “safe places” with their family and friends nearby. Of course, I do worry about my son and I would never forgive myself if anything ever happened to him while he was alone.
On the other hand, I refuse to raise a child in fear. I want him to know that most people are good, kind and helpful. I want him to travel the world and see that it is a magical, amazing place at the same time I teach him to use his common sense while exploring it.
I must admit that I have discovered one very dangerous place this year where my son is not safe: His A-rated school where an 8 year brought in a loaded gun that went undiscovered for half the day, and where plenty of knives have been found in backpacks thoughout the year. Which begs the question - Do I need to attend school with my child to keep him safe?
I am so relieved that someone is helping us - in this fear ridden country - to talk about these issues.
At one school my daughter Meg went to in Illinois, they would not let the children go outside to play if the temp was below 32 degrees!!! They might get cold and sick, oh spare me!!!
Meg is 26 now and she was definitely a free range child. When she was ten we moved to a town of 7,000 in Wyoming from a large metro area in IL.
But you know in the city we lived next to fraternity row and she played basketball with those college boys when she as 8 & 9 and those boys were so good to her and protected her.
They could be jerks to their peers but they watched out for her like a little sis!!
One of the things that we let her do was go buy herself a bicycle when she was about 12. The owner called to check to see if it was ok because we gave her a check to buy it with.
Then in high schiool we let her start her own checking account and then later in HS to get a debit card. She was very responsible with it, too. We figured how else would she learn if we did not help her.
She turned out great she teaches in the inner city in LA, shes got guts!!! We need kids with guts to run this country someday!!!
Indians dropping their babies from shrines! Aarron are you freaking kidding me?? Ever heard of traumatic Brain Injury? Ever heard of a broken spine? The strong ones survive? I guess so Wow. I am a fan of free range not stupidity. I guess every now and then the obvious premise has to be restated. USE COMMON SENSE!!
I teach special needs kids aged 12-17 at a public school in Gothenburg, Sweden. When I started here three years ago, all the kids were pretty much kept on a leash and there where no independence worth talking about. Consequently, none of the kids dared to do anything on their own, they were afraid of most things and especially of other kids at the school. To get to the school cafeteria, they had to walk in line, etc. I removed ALL of the safety nets, opened up ALL of the doors, invited ALL of the school staff to our class rooms, spent a few months guiding the kids around school for various activities, they all live nearby so I started taking them to school by public buss and tram. Today? Now they are all over the school, they have made tons of new friends, most of them now have keys to their homes, they transport themselves, they laugh, they have made plans for their future and bring tons of good vibes to the entire school. Not to mention new students! They have started dreaming about jobs and family and careers at an age where most other kids don’t have a clue. Starting this fall they even get their own school budget for pencils and books and such as there is no point in us telling them what they need, they already know that themselves! . What did we add to our daily work to accomplish this? Nothing, we stopped doing things! We now in fact have much more time to do creative and “crazy” things with these kids. Like travel to Spain, USA, China and Belarus. Something that would have been completely impossible just two years ago.
Freedom!
I just turned 16 june 7th and for many years i have done many things for my mom like mow the grass, run into the store to return stuff, and do the food shopping. What makes me mad is the fact that when i return stuff people inspect it then before thay will put money back on bank card they want to see drivers linces so I have to go get my mom who wants to know what has taken so long so she can come in and be done in 1 minute. Then when I go food shopping I have to stand at the meat counter forever (last time I went shopping I stode at the counter 5 MINUTES then gave a look of death to the guy standing there doing nothig he said “oh do you need something?”
then people act shocked when i put in the pin number to the bank card (yes I know my moms pin and have never abused that info). Today I think back a few years ago then look out the window and wonder where are all the kids it is the 4th of july. Somthing very strang is happening in my new town I see no kids mowing grasslook out the window there are kids 10 and12 years old being picked up at the bus stop by mommy then walking home that long five house walk home some even being picked up in suv”s to go around the corner. Now this would not be so bad if not for the fact that we are no more than 1/2 mile from elem school. when i was in elem school in the next school districe over i would walk to school that long 1/4 mile by myself only trouble I got into was crossing where my street met the school grounds (instead of going out of my way to use crossing gaurd up the street) then walking (on the sidewalk) up to school, that saved me two blocks of walkingthen I was told never to do the aging because I could have been hit by a bus or car. I mean really it is okay for a 6th grader and not a 5th just because the schools next door but one is middle and orther is emel. My point in all this is why do all adult treat all kids the same some store clerks treat me like I’m 2 years old, and after reading on this site i know why because most 16 year old girl are still dumb babys. I thank my mom for being a single parent giving me the abilty to act older than most 18 year olds for giving me a key at age 9 so i could walk home let myself in call to say i was home then do my homework and have a snack. For telling me at age 6 to go get my bike and make some friends. and for taking me to work with her on building sites to work with and be the boss of people that work for her when I WAS 10. I now know spanish, by the way it is a cleaning bussines. And I know everyone on site from superintedent to landscaper, even walk with manament when it comes time for walk thour, them painters are my best friends (they are illeagle alines).
sorry got cut off. Soon to be legle with my moms help.
Ashley
FREE RANGE
My parents raised me with a few simple rules:
1. Don’t bring home anything you have to feed or cure.
Well, that was it, really. There were more tongue-in-cheek ones, like “Don’t get married, never have kids,” and “Question everything, take no shit.” But I think that was about the core of it. Stick with the basics.
Some good thoughts on the value of the outdoors and California and other gov’t agencies efforts to increase time outdoors on page 4 of this newsletter: http://www.fws.gov/desfbay/pdf/Tidelines/tideline%20summer08-C.pdf
allowing your children a little freedom to play outside or walk to school is great practice the SCARIEST thing you will ever do……teach your teen to drive.
Just discovered your site (via Mary Beth Hicks column). Find it delightful. I grew up in a city and was allowed to roam freely. My four boys generally roam about our area (Washington DC), eldest two often prefer to get to school alone. I wanted to let you know of a delightful place in St. Louis called the City Museum. My sister (who also has four boys) and I walked in and the 8 kids immediately disappeared up a metal climbing tube. The entire museum embraces free exploration with children making their own decisions. Seems right up your alley so I thought I’d let you know about it. Check out the photo tour at citymuseum.org. Thanks for your writing. It’s wonderfully refreshing.