Hey Readers! Add On to Our “Keep Kids Safe List”!

Hi Readers! Here’s a list we could all learn from, sent in by a reader named Mike:

I was definitely scared for my daughter, so I did a little research on how to keep her safe.  These are the steps we’re taking:

1.  No contact with any family members.  Statistically speaking, they are the most dangerous.

2.  No church, or religious groups.  You think schools are a hotbed of pervy men?  Try the church!

3.  Never use the same babysitter more than once.  If you’ve read about pedophiles “grooming” victims, you know it takes some time.

4.  No personal attachments of any kind.  See item #1.

So here’s the challenge readers: Add some more “safety tips!” We must keep our children safe from anything. And everything! And then some! L

70 Responses

  1. Well, don’t ever let your kid ride in a car. Literally
    thousands of kids die in car accidents every year in

    (Well, I couldn’t actually document that, but I did see
    that around 10,000 passengers are killed every
    year in the US, and if you figure 20% are kids,
    that’s 2,000.)

  2. 5. Avoid anyone who uses the term ‘family values’. Statistically, they are a pedophile.

  3. 6. Most accidents occur near or in the home. My daughter must maintain a distance of at least 300 to 400 metres.

  4. 7. Avoid gravity.

  5. No picking up any object. You could put an eye out with it.

  6. […] you were too busy looking for sex offenders to look both ways before crossing the street… or some of there other tragedies that are far more likely to happen to your child. Researchers looked at a 9-year period, saying even before increased awareness and enforcement, […]

  7. If you have a newborn, don’t tell anyone about it! Under no circumstances should you place balloons in front of your home or send out baby announcements. After all, a baby snatcher may take your precious baby.

    The scariest part about this one is that even though it is so absurd, I actually heard a “security expert” on CNN give this very advice just the other day.

  8. No furniture. Child could fall of it. Or bump into it.

  9. er, fall OFF it.

  10. Eliminate burn risks by serving only cold food. No … wait. Bacteria can grow in refrigerators and they recall fruits and veggies all the time. Serve no food. Only water. But make sure yours is tested daily.

  11. Don’t let them breathe: All that car exhaust, chimney fire, and 2nd hand smoke.

    Don’t let them hang out with family members. Strangers only.

    Don’t let them be alone until they are 18. You can’t be more than 10 feet away. Someone may enter your backyard or bedroom window and take them!!

  12. Place them in a basement… sealed by automatic locks and only allow them to watch certain tv shows… Only let them have any social interaction with you….

    Hang on that was done in Austria wasn’t i…

  13. Wear a helmet when out of bed.

  14. Electricity is dangerous – make sure your home has none. Same goes for fire. And gas.

  15. Best avoid all public places for many different reasons, germs being one. In addition to stores of all kinds, no zoos, libraries, museums, theatres or amusment parks. Never go to public parks, which also include the dangers of slides, monkey bars, and swings.

  16. Do NOT play CD’s, DVD’s, and hard and Flash drives backwards. Those hidden messages are dangerous and your hearing could be compromised.

  17. Do not be around ANY people. ANYONE. Because you never know…

  18. No fun! Fun=DANGER!

    Beware of male teachers! They are all pervs!

    And for all that is holy, NO SUGAR! It’s bad, Bad, BAD!!

  19. All air the child is exposed to must be processed through a UV sterilizer and HEPA filter. Contact with the child can only be permitted via an impermeable membrane.

    The child may only be placed in contact with inert substances. As such, any clothing must be fabricated from woven gold.

    In order to prevent falls, the child must be anaesthetized at all times. A child who doesn’t move, doesn’t break bones!

    One these precautions are in place, the child and suitable containment unit must be placed in an explosion proof bunker. Preferably underground, to protect against the risk of meteor strikes.

  20. In my state in australia, to work with children (emplyed or volunteer) you must have a police check. The Police Check tells that you have not been arrested for child abuse. It does not determine abusers that haven’t been caught, and every year since implementation police catch child pornographic and sex abuse perpetrators who have been policemen, teachers, and just about every strata in society. The police check system doesn’t stop child abuse. It does stop grandfathers being used as a resource person for childrens education – no oldtimers telling stories in schools. It does increase the worry around health men following health vital interactions. Catching real perpetrators does require vigilance by adults and, in the modern age, by policing in the internet environment. But kids safety requires closer community relationships whether a school community or a neighbourhood.

  21. The media does report more heavily is the abuser holds the credentials of esteem upstanding values. The more normal you are, the more paranoid that it’s just a cover. My husband, an Eagle Scout, he is so worried the whole world considers him a pedophile. I reassure him, that being an engineer society may think he is OK. You never hear about engineers abusing children.

  22. Do not give birth to any boys!, make sure you just get girls.

    Statistically seen it is mainly the male version that become rapists/pedophilia/drive to fast/start wars/invent strange financial products that causes financial crises/leaves the toilet seat up….

    the world would be so nice with just women, or not?

  23. no swimming, no puddle jumping, no baths and no unsupervised drinking water, and for mercy’s sake NO trips to the toilet alone! a child can drown in less than an inch of water!

    also, no shoe laces. if they come untied, a child could trip and be hurt. velcro only. no crocs, as they can get caught in an escalator. and no escalators!

  24. Don’t let them out during a sunny day – They could get cancer!
    Don’t let them out during a rainy day – They could catch a cold!
    Don’t let them out during a snowy day – They could get frostbite!
    Don’t let them out at night – They could trip, get kidnapped, or eaten by animals!
    Don’t let them out in rural areas – They could get bug bites, poison ivy, or eaten by wild animals!
    Don’t let them out in city/suburban areas – They could get run over by cars, breath polution, or eaten by domestic/stray animals!
    Don’t let them play with that puppy/kitten – They could get rabies or flea bites or lightly scratched!

  25. No eating: your child may have a deadly allergy that you do not know about.

  26. Instead of childproofing your whole house, take the extra safe step and remove everything from it. And pad all the walls and floors. That way, there is no risk whatsoever of drinking chemicals, drowning in a toilet, bumping a head, burning a hand, or suffocating under a blankie.

  27. Be sure to wrap your kids’ entire bodies with bubble wrap and make them wear a helmet and safety goggles at all times.

  28. The best strategy to keep kids safe is through the use of condoms, especially if used before you have children.

  29. Due to the increased danger of being picked up by a pedophile online, strictly eliminate any computer that’s connected to the Internets. In order to teach those much needed computer skills, require that your child play Oregon Trail daily….no, wait. People get snakebitten in Oregon Trail — require that your child play Frogger for PC daily…uh-oh…frogs getting run over by cars may be too frightening for children — Tetris? Ack, danger of eye strain. I know, I know! PONG! Oh drat. That may remind them of beer pong.

    I give up.

  30. There can be germs in the air, so make them wear air masks. No, wait, those aren’t 100% foolproof. So no breathing.

    No food, because they could have an allergic reaction, choke, get food poisoning, or end up with cancer.

    Weather is bad. So no going outside.

    But indoor pollution is just as bad. So no staying inside.

    What with no breathing, no eating, and no place to exist, I guess the safest thing for kids is not to exist. Maybe kids can be interesting poetic constructs.

  31. The murder rate is highest for women 15 to 44 years old. For that reason I support bringing back the time honored custom of confining all women (say 10 and over) to the home lest a non-related man might catch a glimpse of them. Perhaps we can make burkas more universal as well.

  32. I suggest a post like this regarding Halloween candy in a couple weeks. Homemade treats have always been out, since someone might tamper with them. Same with apples of course. Prepackaged treats are out because they’re overly processed and probably have hormones or something, plus peanuts in everything. Coins are covered with germs, plus there’s the children-eat-everything rule.

    I think the dentists might be the only good guys on Halloween, guys.

  33. Don’t ever let your child ride in a car. 115 people die in car wrecks A DAY. Make your children walk everywhere, even to Grandma’s house, who lives 400 miles away.

  34. Greg “If you have a newborn, don’t tell anyone about it!”:

    This advice was in a brochure given to me at the hospital after the birth of my son. It came with instructions on how to remove his ankle radio tag and tag matching his parents tags. “DO NOT REMOVE UNTIL YOU ARE SECURELY IN YOUR LOCKED HOME”. You know, just in case kidnappers are waiting until you take off the bracelet so you’ll have trouble picking your kid out in a line up.

  35. I like Elfir’s list a lot, but there is one missing:

    Don’t keep your kids inside, because that causes obesity and Vitamin D deficiency.

    Add that one, and the list’s perfect. 😉

  36. You should never let your child go to the rest room so insist that they continue to wear diapers until they turn 18.

  37. Peter: “The best strategy to keep kids safe is through the use of condoms, especially if used before you have children.”

    The safest child is the one who is never born! Use birth control for the sake of the children!


  38. >This advice was in a brochure given to me at the hospital after >the birth of my son. It came with instructions on how to >remove his ankle radio tag and tag matching his parents >tags. “DO NOT REMOVE UNTIL YOU ARE SECURELY IN >YOUR LOCKED HOME”.

    This reminds me of my hospital experience with my newborns. With my first (in 2001), the hospital had a policy where the babies were supposed to go back in the nursery every night instead of staying in the mom’s room. As a matter of fact they told the new moms that even when the mom was showering or using the bathroom, they should call the nurse to take the baby back to the nursery as a SECURITY MEASURE to insure the baby wasn’t stolen.

    Even though the rational part of me thought this was ridiculous, the first-time-mom in me was worried that I could be that 1 in a million (ten million?) mom who has her child stolen from the hospital and I’d be darned if it happend due to my “negligence”.

    Fast forward to 2003 when I had my second child at the same hospital. By then the hospital had changed it’s philosophy to babies’ staying in their mom’s room all of the time because this was very important to mother-child bonding. Suddenly it wasn’t that big of a security risk anymore.

    I’m sure the change was due to mom’s wanting to deliver at other hospitals where they could be with their babies all of the time, so the hospital changed to be more competitive. However, with each of their conflicting philosophies they acted like the moms would be taking a huge risk not to follow their philosophy-of-the-moment.

    I think new moms are the most easily manipulated creatures on earth (myself definitely included)!

  39. I love this list and all the comments are so great too! Definitely puts things in perspective.

  40. It is dangerous to sleep in the same room as your baby with the light off. This is advise actually given to me by a nurse at New York Presbyterian – Columbia where I gave birth.

    When I asked why she said it was because I wouldn’t be able to see if the baby turned blue. I pointed out that when I was sleeping I couldn’t see what color the baby was anyway but she refused to be swayed. “I’m only trying to help” she said when I asked her how she could justify giving such absurd advise.

  41. -Hold your children’s hands when they cross the street. Your 16-year-old son can have you on one hand and his girlfriend on the other.

    -Never let your kids out of your sight. Showering is overrated.

    -However, safety means nothing if your kid is a failure. Never let them fail. Do their homework, if necessary. If you can’t do it, hire a tutor to do it. Remember, if you let them play, they won’t get into Harvard, and you’ll be left eating cat food under a bridge because you put all of your retirement money into tutors and college funds.

    -Finally, keep your self-worth wrapped up in your children’s success. Never get any hobbies that don’t directly relate to your children.

  42. There was a post earlier about not playing CD’s and DVD’s backwards. For that matter, we shouldn’t play them forwards either, because everyone knows that no matter what values you instill in your children, they’re going to just emulate everything they see on TV and take it to the extreme. (For example, if you let your child watch Harry Potter, Wizards of Waverly Place or Wizard of Oz, they’re going to join a cult.)

  43. Well, clearly you must never let your kids eat any food, ever. Because they might choke.

    And of course don’t let them drink water, either, because they could drown!

    And you can’t let them read books published before 1985. Because not only might those books contain lead (and we all know that kids old enough to read eat books ALL THE TIME), they might also contain something else really dangerous: descriptions of kids DOING UNSAFE THINGS! (I just recently read Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing to my seven-year-old, and let me tell you, every chapter describes at least two events that, if they happened today, would cause someone to call Children’s Aid.)

  44. don’t have children.

  45. -Don’t let children pick up sticks, they are covered in bacteria and can poke their eyes out…..or as one mom said when her 2 year old picked up a twig “NO, that’s DANGERRRRR!!!” (and giving me nasty looks while me and my 1 year old have a ‘sword’ fight)

    -Don’t breastfeed if your breasts are large, they could suffocate the baby. In fact, don’t let the baby see your breasts, it’ll warp their mind and turn them into perverts.

    -Don’t let children watch Dora the Explorer, seeing a child play unsupervised will give children ideas.

    -Don’t let fathers change diapers, they might be secretly molesting babies.

    -Always use a 2ft by 4 ft stroller, with a matching helmet for the child to wear, and cover the stoller with mesh so insects don’t bite them or possible pedophiles can’t get a peak. Carry child in stroller until they are 4, then attach child to a leash. When child is too large for leash, hold their hand at all times.

    -Suspect every person who waves and smiles at child to be a pedophile.


  46. Build a time machine that can transport your family back to the 1950’s…. because it’s a well known fact that the world was a much safer place back in the old days.

  47. Don’t let your kid go swimming… there could be nut oil in the pool.

  48. “Don’t let your kid go swimming… there could be nut oil in the pool.”

    In some states, there are nasty amoebas that enter through your nose and kill your brain, resulting in death. Swimming is teh daynjer!

  49. Helen doesn’t go far enough: If you’re a couple, sleep in shifts. Imagine if a fire broke out and you were both sleeping! If you’re a single mother, then it’s not safe to sleep at all until your oldest kid turns 25. Then you can catch up on your sleep for a few decades.

  50. No hugs! Any display of affection is evil!

    (A training document distributed at my church a few weeks ago for people who work with children actually tried to instruct in how to hug a child. The sentence “Remember: Side hugs are best!” really made me angry. Kids just run up and hug you sometimes — you’re supposed to teach them some kind of non-offensive-to-oversensitive-paranoid-fearmongers hug?)

  51. Oy vey, the hugging kids thing. Don’t get me started.

  52. No school. Getting education will just expose them to ideas other than yours and might want inspire them to want to see more of the world, which we all know is a dangerous place. And just getting them to and from school is such a hazard – obviously their walking or biking alone leaves them vulnerable to kidnappers, but if you drive them, you could get in an accident and if you walk with them, you might have to pass the home of a sex offender. Once they get there, they might get bullied or bad grades that will hurt their self-esteem and ruin their lives. Or they might meet kids who invite them over, where there might be guns in the house or they might see PG-13 movies you haven’t approved. That’s why even letting them have friends is probably something best avoided.

  53. Since life is the only requisite for death, make sure your kid has no life.

  54. Do not let your baby sleep until they are over a year of age. SIDS is the biggest risk for children under one year of age. Keep waking them up. If you’re not willing to do the right thing for your children just because you are a little tired, then maybe you shouldn’t have had them.

  55. No disposable diapers! Do you know what’s in those things?!?

    And no cloth diapers! How can you be sure that two washes and bleach reeeeeeeeally killed all the germs?

    If you aren’t going to follow them around with sterile gloves, sterile bags, and sterile wipes all the time so that they don’t mess themselves, you really shouldn’t have had them.

  56. BPA free? How do you know? Prove it! No plastic!

  57. got more, lol

    -don’t let children nap on the couch, they could roll off and smack their head on a toy. (actually, this happened a few days ago, poor boy has a shiner now)

    -on second thought, no toys, they can trip over them, hit other children, run their feet over.

    -Pedobear may be hiding incognito within the teddy bear collection, to prevent sexual assault by Pedobear, stab all stuffed animals before handing them to child.

    -do not let them play in cardboard boxes, they can get stuck and someone can accidently through the out.

    -no carrying them on the shoulders, you can smack their heads into a doorway.

    -no traveling on buses, the presence of a young child is inconvenient to other passengers.

    -no MSN, Facebook, Myspace, Hi5, Twitter, or Yahoo chat, or any email account because pedophiles are constantly cruising the internet for new victims.

    -don’t teach children to speak, if they can’t talk they can’t talk to strangers.

    -children shall only play with other children on specified time and places, These will be called “Play Dates”, children and parents who allow play outside of Play Dates must be sexual predators.


    dang, I can go on forever

  58. BRAVE NEW WORLD Aldus Huxley solved this “problem” — have the government raise all children.

    Oh !! We already DO that !! Thank you Dept of Human Services for doing SUCH A GOOD JOB !!!
    Statistic: 8 out of 10 children who age out of foster care – end up either – on the street – in jail – or DEAD.

  59. *And don’t forget these safety and health tips:

    1) Do not allow your kid to play kick the can as they can get ran over if the can falls in the path of a speeding car, or some weirdo could have put a homemade bomb in the can and it could blow a leg off if a kid kicks it.

    2) No temporary tattoos-even if found a a sealed cereal or candy box- because they might have drugs embedded in them, and a kid could get seriously ill and die from using the tattoos ( or might get addicted to the drug).

    3) Also don’t let your little girls put any lotion ( or other item) with glitter on their skin as the glitter can embed itself into her skin and cause skin cancer later on in life.

    4) Your kids can get arthritis in their ankles and knees in their 20’s and 30’s if they don’t wear ankle high shoes until they are at least 14 years old.

    5) Children shouldn’t be out in weather above 80 degrees as they are risking a heart attack. Keep them in the house in front of the boob tube with the AC going until the temperature drops below 80 degrees. Child should only be allowed outside if driven in a car with AC or at a place with an AC such as a mall.

    * These are only some of the things my paranoid relatives, PE teachers, and neighbors believed about child health and safety when I was growing up. xD

  60. Statistic: 8 out of 10 children who age out of foster care – end up either – on the street – in jail – or DEAD.

    Poor statistic, that. These kids were at risk of being on the street, in jail, or dead even BEFORE social services got involved.

  61. Bubbly wrap… and duct tape. Oodles and oodles of duct tape. Works on everything AND everyone. When in doubt, duct it!

  62. And never trick or treat…

    Check this out: town bans trick or treating for safety reasons:


  63. Avoid keeping dangerous chemicals in the house, such as the common but deadly household cleaning agent dihydrogen monoxide.

    It’s especially important to avoid oxidizing agents such as diatomic oxygen. If more people took that simple step, we could reduce the number of children dying in house fires to near zero.

  64. No hugs…unless side hugs.

    Keep them blindfolded at all times lest they see something that might traumatize them.

    Plug their ears, lest they hear something that is deemed “bad” for them

    Do not teach them, lest they learn something that will allow them independent thought,

    If given the chance to think about it….do not HAVE children. What a bother they turn out to be anyway!

  65. It occurs to me that 100% of children end up dead, whether they were ever in the foster system or no.

    (This is a brilliant list. Thanks Lenore & all.)

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