Introducing Meteor Safe, For Parents Who CARE

Hi Readers! Here’s a helpful new product, brought to us by Andrew Tallman, a talk show host on KPXQ in Phoenix!

Meteor Safe!

Hello, this is Derek Baskerville, the president of Meteor Safe, a company I founded thirteen years ago when I discovered just how real the threat of being struck by space debris is to our children.  Now, as most of you probably know, the majority of small asteroids and meteors which enter our atmosphere burn up long before they come to earth, but not all of them do.  In fact, more than once each year, a rock the size of a quarter actually impacts the Earth somewhere.  Well, obviously, a ping-pong ball sized piece of rock hurtling through the air at thousands of miles an hour will do horrible things to your children. 

That’s why I started Meteor-Safe with our patented Safe-Head® technology.  Here’s how it works. The radar array mounted on the fashionable headpiece will continuously monitor for the approach of space rocks.  And if it detects one, it will immediately issue a small electric shock to your child’s ear on the side nearest the danger, forcing him to move suddenly the other direction and keeping him safe from even a softball-sized piece of space debris.  In over 42 clinical trials, no one yet has been hit by such rocks when they were wearing our Meteor-Minder® technology. 

But wait there’s more…. 

If you order now, I’ll even throw in a full box of our patented Piranha detector strips at no extra charge.  Never again will you have to worry about the neighborhood pool or the creek in the woods.  You can rest assured that your children will not come home missing a leg because of a sudden freshwater Piranha attack.  The price is a mere $1,499 for both the Meteor-Safe headgear and the Piranha detector strips.  We know that might seem like a lot, but you have to ask yourself, what price tag can you put on your children?  And how much is it worth to have the peace of mind knowing that you won’t be one of those callous parents who has to explain to the other moms at PTA how your child was killed by a meteor because you wouldn’t spend the money to protect her? 

Operators are standing by for loving parents only.

34 Responses

  1. I’ll take 10! You never know when you’ll need some spares for guests.

  2. do they have a same as cash financing plan?

  3. Too funny…

  4. Mr. Derek, you give no URL for your website, so how are the BETTER parents amongst us to judge the choking risk of your headgear? I also need to know the chemical formulation of your piranha strips. If they are accessible to children in the pool in which the strips are affixed, what’s to stop children from licking these strips?

    Do I have to think of *everything*?

    *sigh*

  5. Am I the only one who, upon reading “piranha detector strips”, immediately thought “It’s just going to be some strips of bacon”?

  6. Dear Derek:
    I’m sorry, I can’t respond to your ad because to do so might be taken as an indication that I have children living in my home, a fact that I will not confirm or deny, because that might put them in jeopardy. If I did have any children, they of course would have no need for any of your services as it’s much safer to just keep them inside and with me at all times. That way, even if a meteor hits, I will be there to throw myself in the meteor’s way, confirming once and for all that I’m the best parent ever.

  7. Does the headgear contain aluminum? Will I have to be worried about giving my child Alzheimer’s? Or is it tin, which contains lead? Or does it have those gender-bender things in it? Glass is inert, but it would have to be beyond bullet-proof, wouldn’t it?

    Please disclose the helmet’s composition. If it’s safe, it might suddenly become as de rigueur for contentious parents as bike helmets and background checks.

    And are the strips to be worn by the children? If they suddenly get peeled off, is my child going to have her leg hair ripped off in the process? Or get a rash? What’s the composition of the strips?

  8. sadly, I spent all my money on tiger-repelling rocks.

  9. “conscientious”. Sheesh.

  10. This is another thing that people just doesn’t need. Its a waste of money. *sigh*

  11. Oooh, I sense a weekly feature coming on!

    In the spirit of Unclutterer.com’s Unitasker Wednesdays perhaps?

    @ Steve…it’s a spoof. Sense of humor?

  12. The headpiece is probably made of tin foil.
    ACT NOW !
    Be the lucky caller, and get this for the sale price for $1313.13 !

  13. Maybe the school where I work should invest in one for each student… You know, to prevent lawsuits.

  14. These things had better be one-size-fits-all because if not, the order taker at Meteor-Safe™ could use my shipping info to find out where I live and use my kids’ head measurements as a way to befriend them. “Hi, Johnny (not his real name) I have a little boy at home just like you with a 22 inch head!”

  15. seriously, this is fake, isn’t it? It HAS to be…

  16. Is this guy for real… Thats too funny for words… ROFPMSL!!!!!

  17. YOU HAVE GO TO BE F****** KIDDING ME!!

  18. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F******* KIDDING ME!!!!

  19. Gee, now I know what to get my grandkids for Christmas! They will so love it.

    I do hope some school district lawyer doesn’t decide all students must have these just in case…so the district doesn’t get sued if there is a meteor shower. Unfortunately, I am sure there is a helicopter parent somewhere who will think it must be child abuse if they don’t get one.

    Thanks for a good laugh Lenore.

  20. This is WAY too dangerous! What if this helmet actually sends a signal to the outerspace so that aliens target our children and abduct them??? Now, we all know what those funny green men are after, don´t we?
    You don’t happen to have the statistics on these sort of attacks, Lenore?

  21. […] Introducing Meteor Safe, For Parents Who CARE « FreeRangeKids […]

  22. Has anyone compared rates of death from random abduction versus meteors?

    @becky where can I buy one of these anti-tiger rocks?

  23. I’m pretty sure this is a joke, right? The guy is joking.

  24. Why joke? If he is joking, then I want to start selling this product and get in on it before everyone else! It’ll only be a few years before this is the next thing every parent will be purchasing to keep little Jimmy safe. There are millions to be made!

  25. More child safety nonsense…

    http://singlemindedwomen.com/2009/10/single-moms-halloween-safety-tips-for-kids/

    Sadly, that article appears to be no joke… makes you wonder how we even survived Halloween when we were kids.

    Keep up the good work.

    Claire

  26. I can finally sleep at night. I have been worrying about this for years.

  27. That way, even if a meteor hits, I will be there to throw myself in the meteor’s way, confirming once and for all that I’m the best parent ever.

    LOL

  28. Well, I confess, I wasn’t sure if it was a joke till I got to the line about the 42 clinical trials. Now I can’t stop laughing.

  29. I will be getting each new mother one of these for a shower gift. It’s about t time someone took the meteoroid situation seriously!

  30. […] Introducing Meteor Safe, For Parents Who CARE Hi Readers! Here’s a helpful new product, brought to us by Andrew Tallman, a talk show host on KPXQ in […] […]

  31. Gotta love April Fool’s jokes in October!!! Lenore’s site comes up as the first Google hit and Derek Baskerville is listed in the Internet Movie Database, as an actor!!!

    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA, thanks for the levity!!!

  32. Will it work inside my children’s plastic bubbles?

  33. Isn’t it a bit early for April Fool’s Day jokes. The chance of being hit by space debri is even smaller than the chance of being abducted or struck by lightening…

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