E-Z Bake Electric Chair! (And other bad toys)

Hi Readers! Perhaps you remember that my one of my other gigs is running the humor contest in my favorite news magazine, The Week. Thought you’d like these results — and just in time for Christmas!


Recently, the ball was inducted into the Toy Hall of Fame — really! — along with other classics like the jump rope and bike. We asked you to predict a toy that will never make it into the Hall of Fame and you sold us on:

The E-Z Bake Electric Chair
Bruce Meyer, Carlsbad, Calif.

SECOND PRIZE: Mr. Potato Head’s neighbor, Mr. Crack Head
Ed Markarian, Santa Monica, Calif.

Text ‘n’ Drive Big Wheel
David R. Tune, Hagerstown, Md.


Strawberry Shortskank
Bill Muse, Seattle

Obstructive View-Master
Bill Hutton, Winchester, Va.

Trick Bungee Cord
Chris Healy, Riverside, Conn.

Jihad Joe
Keith Newman, Athens, Ohio (and others)

Don’t Tickle Me There Elmo!
Dave Zuda, Worth, Ill.

Free-Range Ant Farm
Mimi Hassett, Housatonic, Mass.

Hamster Embalming Kit
Daisy Michael, Westminster, Md.

Baby’s First Bong
Kevin Wrede, Portland, Ore.

Cripps & Bloods Action Figures
Megan Browne, Sierra Madre, Calif.

Abandoned Refrigerator Secret Hideout
Eric Peterson, San Jose, Calif. (and others)

Botched Boob Job Barbie
Kathleen Myers Schlachter, Seattle

Co-Dependent Ken
Sean Osborne, Cross Plains, Tenn.

Dart Board with an Automatic Return
Ken Hussar, Lancaster, Pa.

Ginsu Hula Hoop
Francesca Kranzberg, Washington, DC (and others, similar)

The Hula Square
Chuck Gaston, Lancaster, Pa.

Subprime Monopoly
Valerie Potter, Albuquerque, N.M.

The Solid Color Rubik’s Cub
Steve Kaplan, St. Louis Park, Minn.

Horny, Horny Hippos
Cathy Curtis, Finksburg, MD

# # #

21 Responses

  1. Love it!!! Glad you posted here so I wouldn’t miss it.

  2. Ha! I am already operating a free range ant farm in my apartment I think.

  3. ROFL!

  4. *giggle*

  5. When I was young I asked for an ant farm.
    I got a roach hotel.

  6. WARNING: Don’t read while eating pizza
    I just inhaled a sausage. These are hilarious.

  7. OK, now I want a copy of Subprime Monopoly. I was playing the other night with some friends, and the guy who won nearly caused the bank to need a federal bailout.

  8. Haha!! These are great!

  9. These are great! Thanks for the laughs.

  10. Mr. Crack Head…ha! Too funny!

  11. “Free-range Ant Farm” LOL – is *that* what our kids are?

  12. Text and Drive Big Wheel would have been my #1.

  13. Yes, I have a subscription to The Week. I knew you posted links to it every so often, but I didn’t know you ran that section. Cool! Personally, my favorite section is the home listings. Sigh. If only I could afford those houses. The Steal of the Week is always great!

  14. Houston’s wonderfully whacky folk-arts foundation The Orange Show once did a show where various (mostly women) local artists gave their take on the Barbie doll. Obviously, some of these gals had major issues with Barbie. Best of Show was the Sylvia Plath Barbie with her head in a toy oven.

  15. Linked. Don’t forget to thank me for the 2-1/2 readers I drive to your blog!

  16. My husband and I have a running joke about “My First Chainsaw.” This sounds right up our alley!

  17. @ Ray – I don’t get the joke. No child should be left unsupervised with a chainsaw or shotgun until they are at least 6 or so. Hey, that’s the way I was raised….

  18. Oh man, these are ringing some bells!

    Baby’s First Bong – reminds me of a rumored practice to put Jack Daniels in baby formula – deep past in the deep South – let’s you sleep through the whole night.

    Botched Boob Job Barbie – Slate, back around 1996, did a feature on a San Francisco entrepreneur who created “value-added” Barbies (my term). Of the four, I remember Trailer Trash Barbie (baby on left arm, cigarette in right hand) and Big Dyke Barbie. Mattel’s hired guns in Italian suits shut him down.

    Subprime Monopoly – a politically insensitive version would be Ghettopoly or perhaps Projectsopoly.

  19. Slate Article – nothing about attorney’s however.


    By William Saletan
    Posted Sunday, Dec. 22, 1996, at 3:30 AM ET


    Mattel seems less enthused about several Barbie rip-offs being sold in San Francisco. These include: Hooker Barbie, Big Dyke Barbie, Trailer Trash Barbie (with cigarette, black-rooted blond hair, and a baby), and Drag Queen Barbie (a Ken doll in a wig and evening gown).

  20. But then they gave us Sugar Daddy Ken Doll!

  21. […] The text ‘n drive Big Wheel and other bad toys … good for a laugh at Free-Range Kids. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: