ParentsTrailing the School Bus (and Other Back-to-School Excesses)

Hi Folks! I have a piece in today’s Wall Street Journal:“When Separation Anxiety Goes Overboard.” It’s about the way the advice-o-sphere manages to turn the first day of school into a super-dramatic, super-traumatic event that requires the kind of preparation once associated with storming the beaches:

“Practice how you will say goodbye,” urges one of the zillion or so websites featuring first-day-of-school tips.

“Goodbye!” Hmm. That just doesn’t seem very difficult to me. Maybe I’m heartless. In fact, I know I’m heartless, because I never bought a “Nesting Heart.” That’s a toy made by a company called Kimochis that is meant to “help ease the separation” when you drop your kid off at school.

How does it work? “Your child can take the inner Heart to school and you can keep the outer heart at home,” says a Kimochis news release. “Create a playful ritual for separating the hearts at drop-off and putting your hearts back together at pickup. Reassure your child (and yourself!) that the Nesting Heart keeps you connected even when you are apart.”

Oh yes, how incredibly reassuring it must be as junior watches you—playfully!—break your heart in two. But at least this psycho-toy lays it on the line: Mommy is incomplete whenever she’s not with you, and you are incomplete without mommy. Got that? Now go have a great first day!

One of the things driving parents, and of course kids, crazy is the way every childhood event has been elevated into a difficulty only to be surmounted with products, classes and heaps of expert advice. Back-to-school now proudly takes its place in that pantheon, alongside babyproofing the living room and the Decameron that is packing for camp. – L

P.S. I know the link only gives you a few paragraphs, at least for the first 30 days. But if you’re a subscriber, you can read the whole thing. Very sorry it’s not visible to all!

Yes, some parents actually follow the bus to school, to make (telepathically?) sure their kids are safe.

School Outrage of the Week: No Cartwheels Unless “Trained Gymnastics Teacher” Supervising

Hi Readers! If you send your kids to the Drummoyne publics grammar school in Sydney, kindly instruct them to stay upright their whole day, as cartwheels, head- and handstands are no longer allowed unless  “under the supervision of a trained gymnastics teacher and with correct equipment,”‘  according to the Local West Courrier.

The ruling comes from the principal who is worried abut (all together now) INJURIES and LIABILITY, the twin Dementors driving schools crazy with fear and dread. The fact that the school just re-surfaced its playground with soft stuff to make falls even safer plays no role. Or perhaps it plays it usual PERVERSE role: The safer things get, the more safety we demand.

Rebecca Chown, the mother of Estelle, 10, an unrepentent cartwheel enthusiast, started a pro-fun petition that already has s250 signatures. According to The Telegraph:

Ms Chown first heard about the ban when her daughter Estelle, 10, came home on August 17 and said children had been told they couldn’t do anything that had them “upside-down”.

Estelle said: “It’s really frustrating because they ban everything and there is not much else for us to do.”

While Ms Chown said she understood the risks, children were playing, not training to be gymnasts.

Instead, we’re training kids to sit and blob out, all in the name of safety. Oh, and don’t be joyous either, kids. For your own sake. — L

AND HERE’S A DRAMATIC 38-SECOND RE-ENACTMENT OF THE BAN, STARRING THE GIRLS OF ROSMARINS BUNGALOW COLONY

Clown Teaching Kids to be “Berry Berry Safe”…Except from Berry Berry Creepy Clowns

Hi Folks — Let me state upfront that I agree with this, uh, guy: Teach your kids never to go off with   stranger.

But is there anyone stranger than this blue-haired, baby-tawking clown who keeps showing up out of nowhere?  The lesson he seems intent on teaching kids: Never go anywhere without a possibly imaginary, predator-obsessed prig in a blue wig.

Is Your Child Safe ENOUGH? Take This Summer Safety Quiz!

Hi Folks — Now for something completely different. This piece of mine recently ran in the Washington Post.  Enjoy!  – L.

Tips for Keeping Your Child Safe. Very, Very Safe 

It’s summertime, which means it’s time for parents to think about safety — only safety. That’s what all the parenting magazines and Web sites will tell you, as will every TV news report that begins, “It was a beautiful summer day until . . . ”As a result, you know how important it is for your children to avoid all swimming pools, playgrounds, lakes, camps, parks, bugs, balls, hoses, horses, exercise, soap bubbles, sunbeams, sand, sugar and, of course, other children.

If you are still considering allowing your child to play outdoors this summer, go right ahead, you risk junkie! But first, heed these tips. Some were gleaned from reliable sources, others I might have made up. It makes sense to take some precautions, but can you tell the difference?

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1. Limit children’s sun exposure between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

2 . Children should watch TV or text during peak sun hours.

3 . Discourage children from moving rapidly when they see insects — movement encourages insects to bite.

4. If an insect alights on your child’s arm or leg, remove that limb.

5. Do not let your children dive.

6 . Do not let your children lift anything heavier than a wet towel. 

7 . Touch your toddler at all times to check body temperatures.

8. Touch your child’s wrist at all times to check for a pulse.

9. Use softer-than-standard baseballs and safety release bases to reduce baseball-related injuries. 

1 0. Use charades to pantomime football plays to reduce the possibility of concussions.

11. Avoid dressing your child in bright colors or flowery prints.

12. Choose clothes that cover your child’s shoulders, arms, fingers, legs and face.

13. Sweat and body heat bring on the bugs. Bathe the kids before heading out and try to keep them calm.

14. Give your children sedatives at breakfast and as needed throughout the day.

15. Check out a camp’s play equipment for cracks and dents.

16. Check out whether your child’s day camp is located at a federal prison.

17. Make sure your children come inside after 30 minutes of play for 15 minutes of water and snacks.

18. Make sure your children remember the rule “Step on a crack, time to eat a snack.”

19. Avoid gardens where flowers are in bloom.

20. Enjoy gardens where flowers are dead.

21. Never let your child wait in the car, even for a minute.

22. Always wake your toddlers to drag them across a busy gas station, for safety’s sake.

23. Avoid sweets during picnics.

24.Serve only bran-based desserts.

25. Make sure all home swing sets have nine inches of wood chips beneath the playset.

26. Remove all swings and replace with ottomans.

27. Make sure kids do a series of warm-ups and gentle stretches to get their muscles ready for action.

28 . Do not allow your child to play tag before being assessed by a medical professional.

29 . Stay away from very cold drinks — they can cause cramps.

30. Serve Popsicles at room temperature.

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Answer Key:The odd-numbered tips come from actual parenting resources. The even numbered tips don’t . . . yet.

Sources: Love Our Children USA, Web MD, Consumer Products Safety Commission, New Jersey Department of Children and Families, CBS News, American Academy of Pediatrics, Parents Magazine.

Tip #7: Touch your toddler at all times to check body temperatures. REAL OR NOT?

Here We Go Again — Another “Worst-First Thinking” App

Hi Folks — As I wrote to the publicist who sent me this pitch: ” How does knowing my kid is out on a field in the middle of a tornado give me ‘piece’ of mind?” Here’s what she had sent me:

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Dear Lenore: Before leaving for work this morning, you recall hearing something on the news about severe weather. You can’t seem to shake the worry as thoughts about your loved ones rush in. The worry pops into mind again as you’re walking down the hall at work. As you approach an office window, a faint yet familiar sound is audible. Mary, whose desk is nearby, comes up beside you and remarks, “a tornado watch was issued earlier, I guess now it’s a warning”. The once muffled siren is now ringing in your head. Where are Kate and Sam usually at during this time of the day? Kate has Softball every Thursday, so she should be at the school, but Sam could be on the bus or getting a ride home with friends. You attempt to walk calmly back to your desk and inform coworkers of the tornado sirens on the way.  Grabbing your phone from your top drawer, you flick on a blank screen. No messages. As you file in line with your coworkers to the basement, you launch The Safety App and request the status of those in your safety group. Seconds later you receive the current or last known addresses of Kate, Sam, and the rest of your family. In addition you receive Kate and Sam’s automatic safety status’ indicating Kate is currently at practice and Sam is at a friends house. Before you’ve even reached the stairwell you’ve got the piece of mind you need to make it through this disaster….

 I’m so glad I know that Kate is at softball practice! Whew!

No More Candy at Parade — It’s Too Dangerous

Hi Readers!  Here’s a gem of  Worst-First thinking — dreaming up the WORST case scenario FIRST and proceeding as if it’s about to happen. — L 

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Dear Free-Range Kids: I ran across this local article here in Utah last week.  They are starting to ban throwing candy to parade viewers because of the possibility that a child will run into the road and get run over by a float.  In the many years they’ve held parades in Utah, where they have about a parade a week in the summer in different communities (the one in this article is the biggest one in the state, celebrating the state’s founding), this has actually NEVER happened. But still they are banning it because of the possibility of it happening. — J. King

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Lenore here: In the link Ms. King sent, one parade official explained, “I don’t want you or I to suffer the heartbreak of a child getting run over.” Hey, I don’t want “you or I”  to suffer the heartbreak of a child dying in an eight-car pileup on the way to the parade either, so let’s just call it off. Can’t be too careful, right?  – L. 

Oh, the danger!

Wow, Who Knew? Kids Should Go Down Slides ON THEIR OWN!

Hi Readers — and thank you for sending this story, “A Surprising Risk for Toddlers on Playground Slides,” that was in yesterday’s New York Times. And what exactly IS the surprising risk?

Parents! Extremely loving, extremely cautious parents who, rather than letting their kids navigate the slide on their own, put them on their lap and let gravity do its thing. The problem is: The thing gravity is doing is breaking their childrens’ legs.

Yes, “helping” the kids actually makes the slide experience less safe. Kids are getting their legs stuck and twisted and even broken, because (sez the story) “If a foot gets caught while the child is sliding alone, he can just stop moving or twist around until it comes free. But when a child is sitting in an adult lap, the force of the adult’s weight behind him ends up breaking his leg.”

Now, I am of at least two, possibly even three-point-five minds about this story. First off, of course, I am a little smug about the news that helicoptering doesn’t help kids. The fact that kids have been going down slides alone since Danny slid down his Dinosaur should have been evidence enough that modest inclines and moppets are a good mix.  But we live in a culture that loves to demand ever more involvement on the part of parents, so a lot of folks got the idea that GOOD moms and dads are the ones who put down the Starbucks and go, “Wheeeee!” with perhaps more enthusiasm than they feel. Now they are off the hook.

ON THE OTHER HAND (we are now onto Mind #2), this article also makes it seem as if the parent/kid playground combo is the slippery slope to hell, and that slides are even MORE dangerous than anybody had ever imagined. And considering we have already imagined them as SO dangerous that regulations require them to be no taller than the average mound of laundry (or is that just at my house?), this is another blow to playground fun.

And here’s Mind #3: The fact that this issue merited an entire article in the hard copy of the New York Times — space that is disappearing faster than Happy Meal fries  — is just another example of our obsession with every little thing that has to do with parenting. As if  every hour of time with them is fraught with the potential for developmental leaps or horrifying danger. When really what we’re talking about is an afternoon at the playground.

And now for the .5: One point the article made is that, “The damage is not merely physical. ‘The parents are always crushed that they broke their kid’s leg and are baffled as to why nobody ever told them this could happen,’ Dr. Holt said. ‘Sometimes one parent is angry at the other parent because that parent caused the child’s fracture. It has some real consequences to families.'”

In a nutshell (and I do mean nut) here are my final thoughts:

1 – Parents are BAFFLED that NOBODY EVER TOLD THEM every single thing that could possibly go wrong in any situation?  That’s one reason why we are so litigious: We expect every activity to be perfect every time, and if it’s not, we are so angry we want to blame someone (else). Not fate. Someone.

2 – While I can totally see being mad at the parent who broke my kid’s leg, I can also see moving on. Getting over it. Realizing it could have been ME. Lasting consequences seems a bit dramatic for an injury that, the article says, the children recover from in 4 to 6 weeks, without “lasting complications.” (Except, of course, for the divorce.)

3 – And, in defense of the article and the author, whose work I like, maybe the piece actually did perform a public service. Hoopla aside, now you know: Let your kid go solo down the slide.

I think I’m done. Feel free to take up where I left off. — L.

Okay, maybe this slide IS a little dicey, with or without a parent.

Sad Memories, Overprotective Impulses, and Keeping Things in Perspective

Hi Readers — By now I’m sure you’ve heard of new leads in the Etan Patz case, the missing child case that may have marked the beginning of our obsession with stranger-danger. Now comes this “follow up” in Psychology Today, of all places, reminding parents to be worried all the time about abduction.

As if this fear had slipped most parents’ minds. As if it’s helpful for anyone to focus on the idea of their children being murdered. As if stranger-danger is even a valid concept, considering that the vast majority of crimes against children are committed by people they know.

It is SO EASY to send parents into a tailspin of terror by mentioning the Patz case. I’m one of them. That’s why I try not to think about it too much. Not out of any “denial.” Just out of emotional self-preservation, which in turn allows me to preserve my children’s freedom.

At some point I’ll address the latest iteration of this stranger-danger obsession of ours: A recent magazine show featuring a creepy ice cream man trying to lure children into his clutches. The idea that there are any non-psychopathic ice cream men in America is becoming increasingly hard to grasp.

But that’s for another post. Right now, let’s just take one quick glimpse at the Psychology Today piece, by a woman named Susan Newman, who writes:

“Yes, childhood is supposed to be a period of innocence, but as long as people who prey on children exist, parents must be watchful…. Reopening the public to the Etan Patz case hopefully will caution parents to dangers sadly still present.

Leave it to others to parse why a crime that happened 33 years ago is a good way to remind parents of dangers “still present,” I’m going to go get some ice cream. (If I don’t ever post again, alert the police. And Psychology Today.) — L.

School Alerts Parents: Local Man SeenTalking to Kids!

Hi Readers! This is the kind of story that makes me bite off little pieces of my own arm in frustration (almost. Ok, let’s just say it makes me nuts.)

An elementary school in Toledo, Ohio sent home a note that said a stranger had been speaking to some of the students at a popular bakery on their way to school.  According to this story on WTOL:

The letter said, “The situation is now in the hands of the police. Fortunately for us today, all of our children are safe.”

The letter also tells parents to remind their kids to report suspicious people. Parents were shocked.

“That makes me nervous. I want my kids to come to school and be safe,” said Gail Hodson, a Harvard Elementary parent.

Excuse me, m’am, are you shocked by the idea that your kid might someday encounter an adult male you did not personally vet first? Maybe it’s time to move to another planet.

But wait — the story gets a little weirder. Turns out that the man is a regular at the bakery and it was when he was there that he offered some kids some donuts.

Pretty terrifying!

School administrators left those facts out,  and defended themselves later by saying that the alarm was, if nothing else, a “teachable moment,  and they sent the letter home to be proactive, before misinformation spread.”

Um…doesn’t that sound like exactly what they made happen? This letter WAS the misinformation, and the school spread it! As far as teachable moments go, this one taught kids to be suspicious, scared and unfriendly no matter how unwarranted. Worst-first thinking in action!

Then again,  just maybe it taught them that their school has gone absolutely ape with fear and can’t tell the difference between a sweetroll  and Sweeney Todd. If so, that letter has done some good. – L

ADDENDUM: While we’re on the subject of stranger danger, here’s another little tidbit: A man in a van asking a little girl if she’d seen his puppy turns out to have been (sit down) LOOKING FOR HIS PUPPY. Here’s the story. Weird,  right?

Donuts! Men! Arghhh!!!

And So The Revolution Begins (With Flipping Through a Parenting Magazine)

Hi Readers! One of the ways I spread the Free-Range Kids word is by giving talks around the country (and world — going to Australia at the end of the month). Two weeks ago I was doing this in Seattle where, for a romp at one of my speeches, I flipped through a parenting magazine, pointing out just how absurd so much of the “advice” is.

For instance, in an article called “Bug Off,” all about how to “keep pesky insects from spoiling your summer,” the magazine said, “Sweat and body heat also bring on the bugs. Bathe the kids before heading out and try to keep them calm.”

That’s GOOD advice? That’s terrible advice! Oh my God:  Bathe the kids BEFORE sending them out? And then keep them CALM? Doesn’t it make sense to do the EXACT OPPOSITE? Bathe them when they’ve come IN, after they’ve RUN AROUND LIKE BANSHEES? The magazine’s advice is the worst of both worlds!

Another article gave a list of what you should take with you on vacation with your baby: A portable crib, a baby monitor, mesh stair gates, faucet covers, door handle covers, plastic zip ties “to secure cabinets,” an inflatable tub AND  a night-light. If that’s too much to schlep, the article suggests you RENT WHEN YOU GET THERE.

Hey, while you’re at it, get a loan! And a sherpa! And a U-Haul!

And here’s a tidbit from my favorite article, this one about how to increase your child’s confidence: “After you have tucked your child into bed and he’s almost ready to drift off to sleep, tiptoe into his room. Speaking in a low voice, slowly say, ‘I…believe…in…you.'”

It’s like some Soviet-era manual on mind control!  Maybe you can also whisper to your almost-sleeping child, “Clean…up…your…room” and he’ll wake up with an uncontrollable urge to vacuum!

Anyway, all this is by way of introducing a little note I got today from a mom who’d come to my magazine-flipping lecture. I’m so happy when people “get” my point: that we have to take a step back and try to figure out what our culture is REALLY telling us to do, think and buy. And then they start looking around. — L

Dear Lenore: I can’t tell you how many stupid things I’ve seen recently that have reminded me of your talk. You want crazy? Take a look at Fit Pregnancy magazine and read the headlines that freak out parents before their babies even arrive!

I guess it shows up free in all the doctor’s offices. It’s all “eat this to prevent birth defects” (because if you don’t your baby will be deformed and it’s your fault), do this to avoid miscarriage (because if you don’t, you’ll lose your baby), here’s how to stay looking fit (because if you’re a fat mom, everyone will hate you), how to handle the total lack of sex after pregnancy (because actually your husband will divorce you if you don’t put out), what to look for in life-threatening conditions, and on and on. One after another.

I read the scary and awful headlines out loud to the nurse’s assistant. She was horrified and responded by pulling every one of their magazines and throwing them in the trash. She hadn’t ever read the magazine before, but once she saw it, she sure didn’t want pregnant moms in that office to deal with the negativity and blame. Yay!

Thank you for starting some lovely discussions around here! — A Seattle Mom of Three

"Mommy, why does that magazine tell you you're doing everything wrong?"