Don’t Meth With Texas

Watch out, kids! Drug dealers are coming to your schoolyard to hook you on Strawberry crystal meth Pop Rocks! That’s the rumor going around Texas that has the PTA there so alarmed that it is warning parents to instruct their kids  not to eat, well, strawberry-flavored meth. Or grape meth. Or peanut butter meth. (Think of the allergies!) If I were the Texas PTA, I’d trademark the phrase “Meth-busters,” just to try to sound a tiny bit cool.

But, of course, I’m not them. I’m someone who read this delightful little piece on Reason.com and realizes what an urban meth, er, myth this whole thing is. Nobody’s peddling strawberry-flavored meth, in part at least because you don’t EAT meth. You snort or smoke it. Moreover, if there had really been a rash of kids all rushed to the hospital in “dire” condition from candy-flavored illegal drugs, don’t you think this would be a bigger story?

What it really shows is that my premise, floated here in October, is true: Halloween has become the template for all parenting. The crazy fears we haul out on that holiday (that our neighbors are actually psychopaths who want to poison children on Halloween) have infiltrated the rest of the year (that our neighbors actually psychopaths who want to poison children on a daily basis).

Be not alarmed, my fellow citizens: There is still a big difference between Strawberry Quik and crystal meth. Although, I guess you could say they’re both pretty addicting.  — Lenore