Dear Abby: Am I Paranoid Enough?

Hi Folks — If you ever wonder why parents seem so terrified these days, here’s why: We live in a society filled with more paranoia than a convention of Moon Landing conspiracists.

Below is a prime example of us being told by a trusted “authority” to always conjure up the least likely but most devastating scenario possible and then proceed as if it’s likely to happen.  As a parenting philosophy it’s depressing, delusional, debilitating — and apparently Dear Abby’s modus operandi:

Dear Abby: I know some children who seem to be mature and are able to make logical decisions on a fairly regular basis. Still, making a decision under stress when one has not had a lot of experience can be difficult.

Having said that, at what age do you think it is appropriate to leave a child alone at home? Sometimes it’s difficult to arrange for child care when kids are out of school. Do you have any guidelines as to what to look for that can help make this decision? — BUSY WORKING PARENT IN KANSAS

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Dear Busy Working Parent: I don’t think children should be left alone if there is any other alternative available — after-school programs, YMCA, activities where they will have adult supervision. Too many things can go wrong, and you would never forgive yourself if one of them happened to your child.  

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Hi again, folks: Yes, those italics were mine. But here is a response written by Free-Range Kids reader (slightly edited by me):

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Dear Abby: Your answer is a classic example of what Lenore Skenazy (www.freerangekids.com) refers to as “Worst-First” thinking. If we are encouraged to over-prepare for all the rare, tragic things that could happen, we will end up handicapping  our children’s independence, and our finances, and our  ability to shop alone for brief periods of time.

Can you really not imagine any age when a child is capable of being left alone in their home? Not at 8, 11, 14? Or 17? How is it that these children will ever become capable adults if they don’t get any incremental practice? Is this why, as a professor, I see college students today who are incapable of facing the regular bumps and glitches of daily life without calling on their parents to fix their problems for them?

Perhaps instead of “never” we can look for indicators that a child is capable of spending short time periods home alone: Are they generally responsible? Do they know basic safety measures?

Instead of infantilizing our children for fear of remote risks, we need to empower them. If you will recall, just a few decades ago, we did that very thing. I was a latchkey kid at nine and babysitting at 11. In the 70s, this was regular practice. Before you argue that the world was safer then, note that the crime statistics show that life is safer today than it has been any time since about 1973.

In that time on my own as a child, I learned how to feed and clean up after myself, how to take care of others, and who to call when I needed help.  I developed the confidence that I could take care of myself. That experience was invaluable and remains with me to this day. — Kari B.

A Win for a Tree House!

Hi Readers! Here’s a nice story: Turns out an Iraqi war vet who made his sons (age 9 and 11) a tree house does not have to tear it down! How do you like that? Well, actually, he DOES have to tear it down in five years…but at least it has a half-decade reprieve, which is apparently the most we can hope for in this day and age. The sweet little structure violates some obscure zoning law and a neighbor (gotta love ’em!) complained. Anyway, you can read the story here. – L. 

Is It Safe to Leave Sleeping Kids at Home for a Bit?

Hi Readers — I got this question yesterday and it is one that comes up from time to time. I’ll give you my answer, but the author would like to have yours, too. Here goes:

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Dear Free-Range Kids: I have a question for you. Or a scenario. Every morning — ok most mornings — I get up at 5:30 and go to a boot camp in a park one city block from my house for one hour. My husband and the kids (almost 7 and 9) sleep through this 99.9% of the time. But right now my husband is out of town for two weeks.

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In the past I would pay a sitter to come and hang out while I was gone. That sitter has since had a baby and I don’t know anyone crazy/nice enough to babysit at that hour on a regular basis.

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I’m back and forth between letting the kids stay home by themselves and thinking I’m crazy selfish for even considering it. I’ve talked to them about me being gone and they are actually excited by the idea. I told them if they woke up they had to stay in bed until I got home. I would leave my phone for them to call me or 911 if necessary. We have a house alarm and two dogs. We know all of our neighbors.

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It is not technically illegal to leave them home alone, but the rules are a little ambiguous.  Here’s what it says on the Tennessee Council of Juvenile & Family Court Judges page:

There is no legal age for children to stay at home alone. Parents are advised to use their best judgment, keeping the child’s maturity level and safety issues in mind. Younger children have a greater need for supervision and care than older children. Obviously [!], young children under age 10 should not be left without supervision at any time….

That’s what keeps me from doing it. At least so far.

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It seems silly to be scared/nervous to leave them home, safe in their beds for 1 hour!! What do you think? — Stacey Greenberg

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Lenore here again: Stacey, your kids are sentient beings, they know how to reach you if they need you, and in a lot of the world they would be herding sheep already (alone, on a mountain), or going off to fetch water for porridge.

As for yours: Most of the time they’ll be asleep, but when they’re not they get the excitement and pride of you TRUSTING them. That’s good for them! I’m not sure I would insist they stay in bed. Maybe they can get up and play in their rooms, or something equally benign.

I am so sick of our culture that equates ANY indepedence — even the simplest act of waking up — as taboo and dangerous. Good luck. And can you call and get ME up to go to exercise, too?

Mom's at boot camp, all's right with the world.

Ding-Dong. Who’s There? The Safety Police!

That’s what’s happening in England, folks: A new proposal to have safety experts go into families’  homes to make sure they’re utterly safe, right down the stair guards. Woe to the family that babyproofs in a manner not approved by the state!

Here’s the Times OnLine article about the new guidelines, and here’s a comment someone posted that I especially enjoyed:

[The article said that] “About 100,000 children are admitted to hospital each year for home injuries at a cost of £146m.”

I’m delighted to hear that. It indicates that at least 100,000 of the next generation will still be willing to take risks and behave uninhibitedly. It’s the other 10,000,000 I worry about, the ones who will be taught never to go out in the rain in case they catch a cold.

It’s not that Free-Range Kids rejects all safety measures. Are you kidding? Safety is GOOD. I personally love window guards and I put latches on my cabinets when my kids were younger. But I, for instance, think toilet locks are a waste of money. What if the government disagrees? What if I think it’s my job to teach the kids not to open the oven, but the government believes I ought to invest in some oven guards? And what if the government ends up endorsing baby knee pads? (Maybe that’s good because that way, when I feel like banging my head against a baby’s knee in utter frustration, neither of us will get hurt.)  — Lenore

A Nice Moment

A Reader writes:

Lenore,

 

I am a free range parent.  My kids are (almost) 15 and 12.  I don’t own a cell phone.  I was leaving them home alone to attend our high school’s pto meeting while my husband was out of town.  As I was heading out the door I told them I’d be at the school.  My daughter, the 12 year old, asked what the phone number was.  In my best serious voice I said, “9-1-1.”  They both laughed and I went (guilt-free) out the door.

Robin in New Jersey   

 

See readers? Sometimes, you can make a parenting decision that’s fun, easy, sane and even legal!