The Irresistible Onion: “Kid Ready to Start Playdating Again”

Oh Readers — Who can resist the temptation to quote from America’s Finest News Source? Not me. So here goes. To read the perfect article in its delightful entirety (complete with mom trying to set the boy up),  click here! — L.

TAMPA, FL—Despite having been hurt more times than he can count, local kindergartner Kyle Gallagher told reporters this week that he’s finally ready to get out there and start playdating again.

Gallagher, whose last serious relationship ended three months ago, said his decision to meet new children and return to the playdating scene wasn’t easy.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous—after all, it’s been a while since I’ve played spacemen with someone else,” Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. “But I just can’t worry about that kind of thing anymore. It’s time to get back on that horse and see what’s out there for me.”

“I mean, I’m almost five and a half,” he added. “I’m not getting any younger.”

According to sources close to Gallagher, the small child has focused on keeping himself busy in recent weeks by drawing pictures of ninjas and searching for hidden treasures in hopes of distracting himself from the pain of his recent breakup.

Despite his efforts to forget about Jeremy and the time the two spent together jumping up and down on his bed…

Ok! Go click!

Hats Off (Per Usual) To The Onion!

Thank you, Onion, for your invaluable perspective: Increasing Number of Parents Opting to Have Children School-Homed.

Kids Off to College? Stalk ‘Em With Social Media!

Good news! “Twitter, Facebook Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Age Kids.” (Thank you again, Onion! And thank you, those who sent this video in.)