Is Your Child Safe ENOUGH? Take This Summer Safety Quiz!

Hi Folks — Now for something completely different. This piece of mine recently ran in the Washington Post.  Enjoy!  – L.

Tips for Keeping Your Child Safe. Very, Very Safe 

It’s summertime, which means it’s time for parents to think about safety — only safety. That’s what all the parenting magazines and Web sites will tell you, as will every TV news report that begins, “It was a beautiful summer day until . . . ”As a result, you know how important it is for your children to avoid all swimming pools, playgrounds, lakes, camps, parks, bugs, balls, hoses, horses, exercise, soap bubbles, sunbeams, sand, sugar and, of course, other children.

If you are still considering allowing your child to play outdoors this summer, go right ahead, you risk junkie! But first, heed these tips. Some were gleaned from reliable sources, others I might have made up. It makes sense to take some precautions, but can you tell the difference?

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1. Limit children’s sun exposure between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

2 . Children should watch TV or text during peak sun hours.

3 . Discourage children from moving rapidly when they see insects — movement encourages insects to bite.

4. If an insect alights on your child’s arm or leg, remove that limb.

5. Do not let your children dive.

6 . Do not let your children lift anything heavier than a wet towel. 

7 . Touch your toddler at all times to check body temperatures.

8. Touch your child’s wrist at all times to check for a pulse.

9. Use softer-than-standard baseballs and safety release bases to reduce baseball-related injuries. 

1 0. Use charades to pantomime football plays to reduce the possibility of concussions.

11. Avoid dressing your child in bright colors or flowery prints.

12. Choose clothes that cover your child’s shoulders, arms, fingers, legs and face.

13. Sweat and body heat bring on the bugs. Bathe the kids before heading out and try to keep them calm.

14. Give your children sedatives at breakfast and as needed throughout the day.

15. Check out a camp’s play equipment for cracks and dents.

16. Check out whether your child’s day camp is located at a federal prison.

17. Make sure your children come inside after 30 minutes of play for 15 minutes of water and snacks.

18. Make sure your children remember the rule “Step on a crack, time to eat a snack.”

19. Avoid gardens where flowers are in bloom.

20. Enjoy gardens where flowers are dead.

21. Never let your child wait in the car, even for a minute.

22. Always wake your toddlers to drag them across a busy gas station, for safety’s sake.

23. Avoid sweets during picnics.

24.Serve only bran-based desserts.

25. Make sure all home swing sets have nine inches of wood chips beneath the playset.

26. Remove all swings and replace with ottomans.

27. Make sure kids do a series of warm-ups and gentle stretches to get their muscles ready for action.

28 . Do not allow your child to play tag before being assessed by a medical professional.

29 . Stay away from very cold drinks — they can cause cramps.

30. Serve Popsicles at room temperature.

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Answer Key:The odd-numbered tips come from actual parenting resources. The even numbered tips don’t . . . yet.

Sources: Love Our Children USA, Web MD, Consumer Products Safety Commission, New Jersey Department of Children and Families, CBS News, American Academy of Pediatrics, Parents Magazine.

Tip #7: Touch your toddler at all times to check body temperatures. REAL OR NOT?

But is Your Baby Safe ENOUGH?

Hi Folks! This guest post comes to us from the proud papa of a bouncing new baby book!

Safety Products You Need NOW! by Jacob Sager Weinstein

For my book How Not To Kill Your Baby – a parody of overbearing, fear-inducing pregnancy and parenting books – I made up a series of ludicrous child-safety products. My challenge was: could I come up with something more ridiculous than the stuff actually marketed to parents?

I’ll let you decide how successful I was. Below are four marketing pitches. Only three of them describe genuine products you can actually buy. Can you find the one absurd parody hidden amongst the absurd reality?

A:  Nursery Water: Have you ever fed your toddler tap water? You MONSTER! Don’t you know that tap water is full of… full of… something horrible that we can’t think of, but that is definitely going to kill your child! Now, can we interest you in paying extra for carbon-filtered water that’s been steam-distilled, then ozonated and flouridated?  We can? Even if you’re not quite sure what “ozonated” means?  Great! Thank you for your dedication to our new Mercedes. We mean, “to your child’s health.”

B: Thudguard Infant Safety Hat: For millenia, human children have learned how to walk without safety gear. But in the early 21st century, gravity apparently got stronger, because your toddler now needs a padded helmet to do what billions of humans have already done. Sure, a baby who is just learning how to walk probably won’t go as fast a motorcyclist, but if she did go as fast as a motorcyclist, wouldn’t you want her to have the same protection?

C: Saf-T Brand Line of Children’s Classics: Children’s books are too damn exciting and imaginative. That’s why we need Saf-T Brand Children’s Classics, which  have been carefully edited to remove bad role models,  unsafe behavior, and anything else that made them worth reading in the first place. Saf-T Brand Peter Pan eliminates all references to flying, which might inspire children to jump out windows. Instead, Peter Pan and the Darling children jump up and down on a mattress, after having a grown-up remove it from the bed and place it safely on the floor.  The only thing missing is padded pages to prevent paper cuts.

D: My PeePee Bottle: If you’re anything like me, you often find yourself thinking, “I’m not inside so there are no toilets nearby, nor am I outside so my kid can’t just pee under a tree. If only I had a dedicated urine jug that I carried with me at all times!” Enter the $9.99 “My PeePee Bottle.”  It looks pretty much like  a generic water bottle you could get for half the price, but generic water bottles don’t say “My PeePee Bottle” on the front in an adorable, child-like cursive. And generic water bottles don’t come in pink and blue so that you can assign gender roles to your child’s waste products after they’ve left their body.

ANSWER:

A: Click here.

B: Click here.

C: Don’t click anything.

D: Click yet again.

Only the Saf-T Brand Line of Children’s Classics is deliberately meant to be nuts. — J.S. W.