If you’re all for raising a Free Range Kid, great! What are you doing — and what’s the reaction among friends and family? Any way of convincing them that you’re not crazy? Tell your story! Give tips! Start a movement!
Of course, if you are against the whole idea of letting your kid out of your sight, please explain why — especially if YOU were raised with a lot more freedom. Free Range Kids believes in safety, but we also believe that a lot of parents are going overboard, creating quivering masses of helplessness instead of independent humans. What makes you think you’re right and we’re wrong?
FreeRangeKids 
Dumbass!
Rock on! I don’t even have kids, but I think you are right on!
I am strongly for raising a free range kid. Due to the lack of good child care, my daughter would sometimes ride her bike home from school and wait until I could come home. She called me when she got home and locked all doors. She loved it. From time to time, after I’m home during down time, she rides her bike around the neighborhood. Still scary to me but I’m learning not to be so protective.
When I was very young my two brothers along with three other boys fell through the ice on a small pond and drowned. If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive. There are still old timers around today that remember this horrible event.
You are giving dangerous advice and gambling with your childs life.
I love this! I have long purported to nay-sayers that we actually live in a safer, less threatening society than we are told- AND I regularly give my children chores, they take on big people responsibility, and they self-monitoring, self-assessing, and they even get to ride their bikes the mile of country roads to their grandparent’s home.
I think it is great that you have started this! How will we turn out the next generation of world leaders if they don’t know how to cross the street!
Thank you!
Margie Andrews, Mom, Teacher, Dairy Farmer
My husband and I were just discussing, how we grew up in the 70’s without any cell phones, computers etc. With two kids under 5, i’m hoping that we can have this same sense of raising our kids not to be so fearful to the point of living in a bubble.
We don’t have subways where I live. And I like the idea of my kids walking to school with friends and riding bikes to the local park and library, these are all normal things.
The scary part is that we are so over informed with the listing of child predators, that I believe we live in fear of our kids and only want to protect them.
I will continue to visit your site as my kids grow of independence age to come up with simple ways to allow them some normal childhood freedoms.
Kudos for being brave! With trust in God, we should be able to raise happy, healthy, and harm free kids!
I am listening to you on KNPR, Las Vegas as I write and thank you for making my day. You have voiced, along with George Carlin, my sentiments and a great absurdity in our lives. I don’t know where we went wrong, but our kids are incapable of functioning in society until they go to college, and then only if they happen to room with a “fear-free” kid. I used to ride the NY subways from Brooklyn to Manhattan and back, to visit my grandfather at work. No cell phones, but a dime for pay phones as the only way to stay in contact with my grandmother. As long as I returned on time, my grandparents assumed I was capable of taking care of myself. We played outside all day, after school and weekends. My mom had a school bell to call us when she wanted us to come home and rarely had to use it.
Parents are afraid of one thing; adults abusing or abducting their kids. They are so protective that they are incapable of properly disciplining their kids. Kids grow up with no idea of right and wrong and are not able to cope with any normal occurrence, let alone abnormal ones. I give humans less than 100 years left on this planet and the time is shrinking!
I was born in 1961, just at the end of the era when your toys could kill you. Now, we live in the age of rounded corners of molded plastic, warning labels, and disclaimers. For some reason, we now believe the risks of childhood can and should be completely eliminated. What we’ve gained is the perception that we are in constant morbid peril. What we’ve eliminated is our tolerance for any risk, and independent thought.
My first memory of an independent action is from when I was seven. I was allowed to, bridle, saddle, and ride a horse for three miles, by myself. At 33, I can clearly remember the sense of adventure, responsibility and above all, PRIDE.
I hear a word being used more and more: helicopter parents. They hover around their children and never let them act independently.
Thanks,
Roger
I’m 14 years old. I think that the idea of more freedom would be good for teenagers, because it may stop them from wanting to lash out and go to the extreme. I like your advice, but it may be a little too much. Freedom is good, but I think that the idea of a 9 year old alone in NY really freaked some parents out.
Charlotte
I used to worry about my children a lot, and wouldn’t let my pre-teen son walk to the library in my southwest Portland neighborhood.
Then we moved to the country, where my 10-year-old is now allowed to walk on the tops of 5-foot tall fences, hang out in the pasture with horses, cope with a cantankerous rooster and encounter all kinds of tetanus-inducing sharp objects.
A year later, my kids are fine. Nobody has needed stitches. This experience has caused me to rethink how I raise my kids. We need to teach our children how to be safe and how to use their wits and not worry so much about rare tragedies.
congradulations!!! you are empowering your son to be responsible for himself. we live in a small town. my kids walk to school, the library, the pharmacy, the movies in our little 3 block ‘downtown’, to karate class, to piano lessons, to friends houses, the ice cream shop. i have friends who think i am crazy! but my kids, who are 15, 13 and 13 have grown up being responsible for themselves and aware of their environment and people around them. my 15 year old daughter took the train into philadelphia with a couple of her friends to shop and hang out for the day and some people can’t believe i let her go. but they had a blast and it was an excellent exercise for her self-esteem and confidence. there is so much coddling going on today. people want there to be no risks and everything to be perfectly safe. but the world is not risk free. bad things happen. living in fear or being paranoid about that thing that may never happen is sick. kids must have opportunities to spread their wings, learn responsibility and gain confidence in being able to navigate in this world of ours. i think it is a sad reflection on the state of society today how so many people have reacted negatively to this great event (which shouldn’t really be such a big deal…) in your son’s young life. good for you and for him!
my husband and i are definitely free range parents and don’t understand parents who are horrified that we are.
Thank you for letting your son find his way home and letting the world know that nothing awful happened. When my younger sister and I were in grade school, my mother would send us outside shortly after we got home. We weren’t allowed to come back in until dinner time. We are both still alive and well. I was also rarely accompanied to the bus stop or school even though I had a penchant for getting lost on the way. And obviously, I am still here to tell about it. As a matter of fact, I don’t fear getting lost as an adult. I always found my way home and know that I will get where I’m going even if I take a few wrong turns along the way. I have a feeling that I would have terrible fear of getting lost now had I not been allowed to get lost as a child.
I now have an infant son of my own and hope to raise him to be independent. That means letting him go places by himself as he is ready to just as my parents let me go places on my own. I don’t want him to fear the world, I want him to live in it. After all, there will come a time when I won’t be there to hold his hand, much as I may want to. If he can’t hold his own, I will have failed as a parent.
So keep on letting your son explore independence and don’t let the naysayers get to you!
Meghan
Both my daughter and son have been in scouts and have received survival, self-defense, first aid, cpr, lifeguarding, and orienteering training, etc., and have actually used the newly acquired skills in a supervised setting – where the adults let the kids make and then hopefully learn from their mistakes. I also am big on map reading and feel confident that given a map, my kids could find their way anywhere.
My son at 17 travelled with 3 other 17 year olds (3 out of 4 are Eagle Scouts) to another state for a backpacking weekend. Yes, I was nervous, but if you tell them you are nervous, you are saying to them, in effect, that you are not confident in their skills and judgement. I was 17 when I moved away from home and started college. I think I’m doing him a favor by raising a smart, self-reliant individual with sound judgement. Not saying he’s perfect or never make mistakes, but I think he learns from them.
How are the kids being raised by Chinook Helicopter parents, who aren’t allowed to fail once in a while, going to deal with the real world outside their parents’ control?
Bravo! I took a hyperactive-attention-deficit-diagnosed ten-year-old to New York last year for a week. He had never been on any form of public transportation and had lived all of his ten years in a small Ohio town. One of the first things we did when we hit the Big Apple was to make sure he knew how to get back to our Central Park West youth hostel INDEPENDENTLY from anywhere in the city. Why? Because he commonly darts off in unpredictable directions – out of our sight – and might easily be lost in a store or a crowd. Of course, we reviewed the routes back to our hostel with him every time we ventured out into the city for the next five days. On the sixth day, he (and his 16-year-old brother) wanted to be “tested” – so we left them on their own at the World Trade Center site, and then their mother and I went in separate directions to enjoy a welcome respite from the kids and each other. At the end of the day, everyone had great adventures to share — and fine memories to keep.
Training any child (as young as possible) to be independent with public transportation is a RESPONSIBLE thing for parents to do. New York is probably the safest and most helpful big city in the world in which to do that.
I am for the idea but do think that situations can limit or advance the amount of freedom to said range. Our neighborhood has sidewalks within it but none to take you onto the main roads. The local children cannot even walk to the school (which would take approx. 10 minutes to accomplish) because they would have to walk in the street for part of the journey.
Unfortunately we didn’t realize this before settling on the house/location. We moved to the states from Ireland where we walked everywhere and though our children were too young to crawl far from home, I did see many more young children and teens out and about all the time, in many different locations, more than I see here. We need walking communities again with services and sidewalks.
About time someone raised the perceived vs real risks to children. In Tokyo you see kids on subways all the time. Today’s children are sometimes too protected in all facets of life. I guess there were no risks when I was young (50 years ago). Back in the day we would leave in the morning and return home in time for dinner. The biggest risk, we thought, was coming home late for dinner! Trips to the river for fishing, train ride to NYC (150 miles away), etc. all led to a well rounded childhood with memories. I wonder how many of today’s Nintendo generation will remember that afternoon in front of the tube….
I’m 23 years old and don’t have kids. But when I was a kid I spent all day outside and never saw my parents or grandparents (whoever was watching me at the time) until lunch and dinner. It is a healthy way to grow up because then you have all those experiences to learn from as you are growing up. I am going to raise my kids the same way, and I really appreciate you advocating this lifestyle choice. I don’t want a television and video games to raise my children for me. GO OUTSIDE DAMN IT!!!
I’m with you. I was the ultimate free range kid myself and it taught me a lot about both making good decisions and the differences between danger that is real and danger that is an illusion.
My son JR goes with me on a lot of adventures that give others heart attacks (check out the gallery on motorcyclejazz.com) but he’s orders of magnitude safer with me climbing, skiing, wandering around in the wilderness or riding dirt bikes than he is anytime he’s in a car.
Great interview on TOTN today, btw, The line about Jack the Ripper was so funny I snorted an entire diet coke through my nose.
Cheers
martin
Wow! A kindred spirit. I have always given my son as much freedom as deisred. I also NEVER discouraged him from talking to strangers. ( I explained why he shouldn’t get into cars or go off in private with them) He’s never been beat up, molested or seriously injured. He is growing up to be confident and sociable. He has his own opinions on religion and politics and I couldn’t be more proud. I also recommend the bood “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin DeBecker. It supports this idology on childrearing. Was great hearing you on the radio this morning! YOU’RE AWESOME
OK, I WANT to raise Free Range Kids, but I’m scared. My 9 year old is asking us to let him ride his bike to the park — two blocks away — and we don’t want to let him. Or rather, we WANT to let him, but we think it’s too risky. The risks I fear are these: stray dogs and crazy drivers are my biggest fears, as there are plenty of both in my neighborhood. I do worry about crazy kidnappers, but not as much as the dogs and cars. Also, the park in question is at times fine — families, kids, etc., and at other times, not fine — older kids, adults hanging out engaging in questionable activities, possibly drinking, possibly worse.
It’s an ongoing question for us…but he’s the oldest of 5, so we best come up with a plan…
Thanks for this site; I heard you on Talk of the Nation today, and if the five kids give me some time later, I hope to post on my own blog about my thoughts on the topic.
Growing up, it was a great pleasure to roam the neighborhood, if only to the corner, to knock on doors and find playmates. We were to come home when the street lights came on, and only needed to call home if we planned to be inside a house where my Mom couldn’t find us via a quick tour of the yards. We chewed on our lead toys and lived in our lead-painted houses and still grew up fairly bright.
We walked nearly a mile to school from 2nd through 12th and got to know every dog along the way, not to mention every doughnut shop. It kept us thin, healthy, and curious. If the snow was up to our knees and we arrived soaked, our teacher sat us on the radiator for a few minutes. We made our mistakes like playing in the creek after being forbidden, but a mild scolding set us straight. We walked far away from strangers who drove slowly past us and tried to ask us questions. Not a single kid in my neighborhood died trying.
I had a fair number of men expose themselves to me as a child, and it was a bit frightening and GROSS, but it helped to hone my danger radar.
I WANT MY KIDS TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM THEY NEED TO GROW! I am absolutely sickened by the isolation and the ghost town appearance of our tidy little suburb. It was built in 1950 specifically to enhance socialization, but no one comes out. Appointment required, apparently. I do not want to have to drive my kid everywhere just to play with another kid. I want to leave them a few hours without a babysitter by age 8.
My children are only 3 and 5 and do not yet have free reign of the streets. They are allowed to the corner only, and a nearby one at that. They don’t yet possess an ounce of suspicion to help keep them safe from someone offering to show them a puppy in a van. They don’t truly understand the momentum of an oncoming vehicle, or to look out for moving cars in driveways. But by six or seven, I think they should be given at least a several street range.
This biggest problem is that it seems they will be alone. Without friends to meet on the street and other Moms peeking out the window once in a while, the whole experience is limited. Finding a friend home and going in to play a video game doesn’t count as quality childhood interaction in my book. I am hoping against hope for a major reversal in the culture. Perhaps the childhood obesity phenomenon will be the kicker.
By the way, overly fearful parents are BORING conversationalists, by the way. And overly coddled kids are boring kids. Sorry. And please don’t offer me any more hand sanitizer at the natural history museum.
A growing sense of freedom is what makes childhood worth living.
Congratulations on living in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in Manhattan. Of course your son was safe. I live in the Germantown section of Philadelphia and I wouldn’t even risk waiting for the train alone here. I don’t live in Mayberry. I’m not worried about my son getting “stolen” and killed; I’m worried that my child will get beaten and brutalized by other children. Or molested. Or offered drugs. These are real fears for those of us who live in what you folks might call ghettos. I don’t have luxury of letting my young son cross town alone. He’ll have to wait until he is big enough not to be picked on.
Good for you! I, too, have a 9 year old boy. My friends think I am nuts for letting him walk the 1/2 mile to school alone or with a friend. He goes to the park, goes to the school playground after hours. Heads out the door with a yell, “Mom, I’m going to see whose around!” Just like we did back in the 70’s. I am astounded that my friends will drag their kids thousands of miles a year in cars without a thought about it – when that is truly the most dangerous place for them. If our kids are not allowed to be alone, how will they learn to think for themselves, make decisions, get themselves in and out of trouble? These are skills necessary for negotiating the world as an adult. My son will for sure be in charge of all the coddled kids when he grows up.
I live in an affluent suburb of Chicago. When my daughter – now 13 – was 5, I allowed her to go alone to the park a block from the house. Judging by the reaction of her mother and my friends and neighbors you would have thought I had tried to kill her. My daughter was thrilled with her achievement and ability. She actually was gone from my sight for little more than ten minutes. Upon her return the look of excitement on her face and her clear feelings of independence and self-reliance is something neither she nor I will ever forget. It taught her that she was capable of going out into the world alone, and was the first step of many to achieving her independence. I have noticed that most of the children around us do not have this sense about themselves even as they enter high school.
My daughter is one of the most reliable and capable babysitters we know. She is able to shop for and prepare dinner for the family and regularly chaperons her friends when they do things alone. She is capable of getting herself up and ready for school and then walking or biking to school. She has adventured alone into our little suburban downtown to go the grocery store or get a book from the library. She can navigate around our area and knows how the ride the commuter train into Chicago.
Her friends are only now being allowed a little independence. How will they take care of themselves if they don’t get to experiment with limited independence now when we can discuss the things that happen and how they handle themselves in these limited adventures?
I’m so glad to see other parents who think the way I do. We have come to live in fear of all the wrong things. It is not likely that our children will be abducted or abused by a stranger – a family member or family friend is more likely the threat. Lenor Skenazy is exactly on target, and I applauded her public declaration.
Yippee! An avid bicyclist when I was 12 I would routinely bike all over the towns near my home in Huntington, Long Island. It was nothing for me to take off after school (without a helmet or cell phone!!!) bike 10 miles to the nearby state park and then home again before dinner. My parents had no idea where I went between school and dinner but they trusted me to do it.
I would also pick up the bus at the end of our street on a Sat. morning, ride into town, do some shopping, get lunch and then head home again. My school bus stop was at the same location – at least a 5 minute walk from my house. It makes me crazy these days to see school buses stop at practically every other house to pick up each kid. Why can’t these kids just walk to a central location and get picked up in a group? There were 30 of us at my bus stop and we managed to do it without any problems.
I intend to give my son (now 2 1/2) as close to a similar experience as I can. Maturity only comes with practice! 🙂
Keep up the good fight!
Nicki Lerczak
Monica – Just do it! You will give your daughter a great gift to let her travel two blocks alone on her bike. The comment on this site “We are not living in Baghdad, here” made me think “I bet the kids in Baghdad run all over town doing errands without parental oversight.” Some kids are performing in Carnegie Hall at age 9. Some are snowboarding experts. Some can do most of the light work on a farm. Let your 9 year old grow. Let us know how it turns out.
I think the idea of “free range kids” is terrific. But it is so sad that we actually have to have a “movement” to raise awareness in parents.
I grew up in Alaska and when I was a kid my folks used to put me on the ferry with a bunch of other kids and we’d ride about 8-10 hours to the next town where we were going to go to summer camp for a couple of weeks. We had a blast on those trips and not one of us ever fell overboard.
I walked everywhere in my town when I was a kid and rode my bike all over the place during the summer. We’d roam all over the woods and beaches and we didn’t have to come home until it was dark -and in the summertime in AK that is saying a lot! We’d simply lay out our plans for the day before leaving home and then make a phonecall if we were going to divert from the plans at all. It was what my folks called being responsible and courteous.
I have 3 young sons and I worry about them night and day. I don’t think you ever stop wondering if your kids will be okay- no matter how old they get. But you can’t stop them from living their lives and you can’t protect them from everything. All you do is teach them to be afraid of life and to rely on other people to always be watching out for them -and that isn’t how things work in the real world. The best gifts you can give your child is a sense of self-reliance and the ability to make good decisions. If we, as parents, give our children knowledge and guidance and talk openly with them about how the world works they will not only be armed with the ability to survive, but to also flourish and thrive in a very big, very scary and very exciting world.
Hi Lenore,
I heard you today on Talk of the Nation. As you requested for us to say: RIGHT ON!
I have felt for years that many people worry too much about the “dangers” of the world. I will turn 50 this year, and personally, I trace these worries back to the first “Halloween” scares. “People are putting razor blades in apples.” “People are poisoning apples.” Etc.
Interestingly, my wife’s family is much more nervous than my family. I just think it is an unhealthy way to live life, let alone unenjoyable!
I grew up in suburban Chicago, and childhood for me meant playing sandlot sports (baseball, football, wiffleball, etc.), riding bikes all over, sledding and skating in the winter, exploring the woods and creek in the neighborhood, and playing flashlight tag at night.
I do remember one seminal journey. I was already a bit older, maybe early teens, and I had a casual friend, Steve Mucci, whose family had a cottage at Fox Lake. Steve said in passing that I should visit some time. Well, one day, me and my friend Marky Ferguson up and decided we would ride our bikes to visit Steve. I don’t know if we had directions, or how we found our way, but after a long day and forty plus miles on our bikes, we arrived at the Mucci’s cottage. They did not know we were coming, but I think the parents quickly realized the situation when they learned that we had ridden our bikes from our hometown to their cottage. They took us in for the night, and I think we may have gotten a ride home the next day.
We had lots of adventures. I remember another time we rode our bikes to Graue Mill, an old grain mill on the Salt Creek that passed by our homes. Salt Creek also wended its way through Butler National Golf Course, serving as a water hazard. I don’t know if we knew this a priori, but we went to the mill, which was downstream of the golf course, and found that there were hundreds if not thousands of golf balls that traveled down from the golf course and got stuck in the mud at the dam for the mill. We waded in the leech infested waters and collected several shopping bags full of balls. We decided it would be too hard to travel with the balls on our bikes the five miles back to our house, so I called my oldest brother Bill to come and pick up the golf balls with the car.
I don’t really know how much attention our folks paid to us, but I know that we four children all turned into smart, fun, successful citizens, with families of our own. My wife and I gave our son quite a bit of freedom growing up, and at least I can say that he is quite independent. Aside from our financial support, he moved down to the beach with his friends from elementary school, and has been living independently since he was 17. He is attending community college and is working on transferring to a four year university, all without Mom and Dad having to get involved.
Hear Hear to Free Range Chiren!
Sincerely,
Fred Rasmussen
Apex, NC
I understand the value and importance of sending a responsible TWELVE-yearold to ride a subway or a bike on his own, but NINE is too young. Would you hire a nine-year-old BABYSITTER? Obviously, Ms. Skenazy has never experienced the kind of tragedy that can happen when a child is unsupervised. Yes, such accidents are not as prevalent as the media would have us believe, but tragedies and abductions DO happen, all the time. I wonder what Adam Walsh’s father, or the parents of other children who dies too young, think of this website? If something HAD happened to Ms. Skenazy’s son, she would certainly now be charged in the NY courts with child endangerment. Just because a nine-year-old WANTS to be left alone in Bloomingdale’s to make his way home, doean’t mean HE SHOULD BE LEFT THERE BY A RESPONSIBLE PARENT.
I just left my car after listening to you on WOR 710 am radio in N.Y. I forthwith had to check this site out. BRAVO !!!! I Love it . I am the parent of 9 Y.O. Twin boys and constantly get ” beat up ” by other family members for giving them a little freedom. Case in point.
Recently we spent 8 days at Walt Disney World and were fortunate to be staying very close to the Magic Kingdom. Now I don’t know about others but I can’t even come close to the stamina of my kids day to day nevermind at Disney World.
We had other family members vacationing w/ us which included their two cousins ages 12 and 14, along with my Sister and Bro in Law.
My idea- Go Go Go if You wanna go. I figured that my boys along w/ their cousins would be perfectly fine on their own at the Magic Kingdom. And what fun that would be for them as well as the Grownups.
The kids were a little reluctant but my wife and my sister were steadfast in their approach- NO WAY !
Well needless to stay my a_s was draggin after 14 hours of Mickey Mouse. But the kids had fun.
If they are reluctant now I can’t imagine what their older years will bring, I have some idea.
They will be like most young adults- scared to death to ( excuse the expression ) get off the teat. And we can be like other helicopter parents and fly just close enough to NEVER relenquish control.
Any parent panics the first time you here the head thump of your new walker hitting the floor. But, we let them learn to walk because its worth it. We take precautions but we KNOW they are going to whack their heads at some point.
Things will change back in the US when people realize the DAMAGE done by filling their children with fear of every new and challenging situation and by teaching them that if they just follow all the rules and precautions nothing will ever go wrong (or if it does, it won’t be their fault and they won’t be sued).
Risks are relative, and what we risk be NOT letting our kids be free range is grossly underestimated.
A parents most important job is to teach their children to be independent.
I’m definitely for it! Here’s a good book for those on this track: The Last Child in the Woods. While much of it focuses on the lack of engagement in the natural world (and the whole “disorder” thing really rubs me wrong)–there’s a similar vein of reason underlying the author’s arguments: a misperceived since of risk that causes us to sacrifice any sense of independence, adventure, or self-reliance in children, which may, in the end, put them at even greater risk.
We’re passing unfounded anxieties on to our children. I think of the boy scout lost for days in the mountains who actually intentionally avoided his the searchers/rescuers because they were “strangers.”
We need to give our kids more common sense and balance and fewer black and white rules. It’s crazy to think that we give kids no independence growing up and then hand them the car keys at age 16.
What a breath of fresh air! I listened to Talk of the Nation today and heard about Lenore Skenazy letting her son go home alone on the subway. From what I’ve heard the rate of stranger abduction is about the same as it was in the 1950’s. I work in a school district in a SMALL TOWN where no one is allowed to walk to school because “something” could happen. The other day an overweight child was reprimanded for walking to school–he lived less than a half mile away. Yet, we have a new wellness policy and exercise together every morning! We have gotten crazy! This website is great.
while i respect your choices, how can you let a 9 year old on a subway without a cell phone and yet feel he’s not responsible enough to have a cell phone. what if HE needed YOU? beyond that i heard you on steve whatever his maulsberg name is and he is the most rude host. he kept interrupting and overspeaking you. you have a right to your choices. i totally agree that we are fearful country, afraid of living and afraid of dying demonstrated by all the pharmaceutical ads.
the media should go drown themselves in the same pool as attys. and hedgefunders. i abhor the celebrity, sensationalistic focus. the reporting on the upcoming election is absurd. what happened? how did we lose america?
the question is where do we go from here.
I am going to be a first time grandmother in the fall and I am “scared to death” of the world my unborn grandbaby will be living in. I guess I bought into the fear, haven’t I?
You are correct in your approach to child-rearing. I think that not teaching children in how to be self-reliant and think for themselves is a lot more dangerous than exposing them gradually to certain calculated levels of risk-taking. Your words were well chosen today but you felt so empassioned by your views that you are going to receive a lot of flack for not letting callers say their piece too!
I would like to receive your paper column, can you add me to a mailing list? Best of luck, Stephanie
It is ironic, but I heard you on Talk of the Nation and it seemed timely as my older kids recently asked me for more freedom. They have had the freedom to ride bikes, go fishing on their own, etc., but when my son got to be a senior, I caught him acting inappropriately, which meant that I lost my trust and kept tighter tabs. He’s 18 now, and I have had to completely let go. That has been hard for me because I worry for his safety. Also, my daughter is a freshman, and it has been hard for me to allow her as much freedom as she had earlier when I didn’t worry about dangerous situations. But I am letting go and allowing them both to make their own decisions and choices. Wish me luck. My husband has been in this place longer than me.
I’m from Germany and still take my two girls, 9 and 12, there for part of each year. In our small but modern village, in first grade, the teacher takes the whole class around on foot to visit each child’s house in turn, so that the kids will know where their classmates live and will feel comfortable walking there independently (at age 6-7). Street safety is highly emphasized. In 4th grade, the standard curriculum includes a street-safety bicycle riding test, as well as a swimming test. In 5th grade, all the schoolkids begin taking public transportation down to the town to attend school, walking several blocks through a public park. Early on (at 10 years old), my daughter got on the wrong bus, figured out how to get back on her own, and learned some great lessons, including: mistakes will happen, it’s not the end of the world, I am capable and resourceful enough to handle an unexpected situation, there are in fact helpful adults out there… This past summer, I put both daughters on a train across Germany to visit their cousins, after discussing what they would do if things didn’t go according to plan. They came home glowing with pride and independence. Next time: changing trains?
Since every kid develops at their own pace, it’s up to sane parents to decide when they should be allowed certain freedoms.
Our younger son has always had a strong case of wanderlust. He is also mature and responsible. We have let him explore the world by degrees, and as a result, he has had a life rich in adventure and friendships.
When he was nine, he often walked to the business district of the town we live in, to meet friends for lunch. On those short trips, he practiced crossing the street safely and calculating the tip for his meal.
When he was 14, we dropped him off for 10 days at an Audubon camp in the mountains of Vermont. Friends of ours were horrified that the camp was set on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, and that we left him in the care of camp counselors we had never met. During those 10 days, he learned to make friends with strangers, to work together with other people to cook meals and haul equipment. Two of his fellow campers have become his closest friends.
Last summer, at age 15, he traveled by bus to Indiana to visit one of his camp friends. He had to make several bus connections to reach his destination. He and his friend, who is now in college, then traveled into the middle of nowhere to conduct environmental research for four days. He learned how to find his way in strange new places and how to ask for help when he needed it.
This summer, at age 16, he will travel without us to Malaysian Borneo for a 10-day nature trek with an ecotourism company.
The world is open to him — its people, its natural wonders, its potential, and — yes — its dangers.
One of my niece’s friends was killed recently when her car ran off the road as she was driving to high school. The same thing could happen as easily to my son. Keeping him at home would not make him any safer, but it would deny him the opportunity to grown, to learn, to trust, to explore. He has told us many times how grateful he is that we have given him the freedom to venture forth on his own. I know it will make all the difference in where life takes him.
Super interesting topic, I have 2 kids and they walk to school, but I do remember wondering when they could go alone, and feeling pressure from other parents (or just glares and stares) —
Walking places would feel much safer if there were more people out and about, but that is not the case in most US neighborhoods!
I was glad to hear it is not illegal to let kids do things without supervision (TOTN on NPR), although it sounds like there may be overzealous policemen (or people) who think otherwise…the TOTN story the day before was about overdoing babyproofing, and I think the 2 stories went well together, it really is the same problem — kids are not allowed to experience life, freedom, consequences….and if you don’t give them room to make small mistakes, I fear they will make BIG MISTAKES.
When I was 8, we moved to Germany. That was 1974. I loved that I could get around on my own, go to the store for my mother, get to my various lessons using public transport, walk downtown with a friend for ice cream. I really think it taught me to think differently, to grow and become more responsible. I am also convinced that it helps wire a part of your brain that is spatial-geographical. When I was 12, we moved back to the US, and it was like having my wings clipped — I couldn’t get anywhere without having my mom drive me, and the places teens went were awful — the mall! Very depressing, I couldn’t even ride my bike anywhere.
We live in this crazy, frivolous lawsuit society and it has made parents into these crazed, fearing and fear-mongering people. Most especially when their precious snowflakes are involved. This is not limited to parents, but to western society at large! How dare the designers and architects of our children’s playgrounds subject anyone to the horror of a splinter? They should not be surprised when we sue them for neglect! I am a 26 year old homosexual and I thank my parents for letting me out into the world–however reluctantly–to experience the inconvenience of public transport (we couldn’t afford anything else). It is just one of those things necessary to life! what if your car, or your parents’ car breaks down? what if you go to art school and you can’t afford a car? what if you just can’t afford a car? what if you choose to eschew the convenience of a car? what if the pollution isn’t worth it? what if gas costs too much? everyone should take public transportation! at least once. everyone should get a splinter! everyone should experience the neighbor kids putting a plank through their bicycle spokes because it was “their” turf. it’s life. it makes you stronger. it prepares you for all the personality types we all experience in the corporate world that we all are expected to adapt to in our professional lives.
To people who worry…
You can tell your children to come home immediately if they sense any dangerous people when they go on their free range adventures. Also, teach them young NEVER to swim alone or go out on icy lakes and ponds. My brother and I were given a lot of freedom from the time we were 6 and 4 (really!) and we never did these things–despite plenty of opportunities.
Also, if your child is out alone a lot, you can GET THEM A DOG! Mine was amazing deterrent when I was small — and when I took her to college with me she successfully curtailed two attempted break-ins…and scared off some really shady charachters.
Amen! My kids are not as free range as I like – we live on a road that is scary busy (I have nearly gotten creamed on numerous occasions trying to cross that nightmare) so there is a bit of a limit to how far my 7 and 6 year olds can go. But as long as they don’t cross ‘the big streets’ they can go outside, ride bikes, play with scrap wood and hand tools, come in to get splinters removed, roll in mud, climb the tree, and whatever else they can think of. My neighbor down the street freaks if her 6 year old leaves their fenced in yard to go in the front yard. Once when my then 4 year old was riding his tricycle down the sidewalk, a concerned looking passer by came running up to me (in my front yard) asking “Do you know that your child is going down the SIDEWALK?” as if they were going off a cliff into the grand canyon. Yes I have taught them common sense safety rules, but for the love of all that is holy, let your kids roam a bit.
Thank you for going public with something that I have been ranting about privately — or just to friends — ever since I became a mother 12 years ago!! (And as an older parent — I’m now 56 — my memory goes WAY back to all kinds of childhood freedoms that are gone now.)
I think the issue you are addressing goes a long way toward explaining the popularity of “extreme sports” — people just do not have enough normal risk and stimulation and challenge in their lives any more!
I think it is important to give your children freedom on simple things so that when you do act protectively on more important things your children will actually listen to you.
And when my brother got to do stuff and I didn’t just because I was a girl it only made me want to do it behind their back, because if it was safe for him to do it and he was an idiot (in my childhood opinion) I didn’t see a problem with doing it myself.
And the way I see it perverts don’t seem to discriminate betweens boys and girls.
I heard you on NPR and thought you were great. I heard you in the afternoon and that very morning I had left my doddling 11 yr old alone in our house and left for work. She had to make her way across the street to the bus stop on her own and the neighbors across the street were home with their daughter, the neighbors down the street were home with their kids. And they all take their kids to the bus stop. I drove to work worried about what might have happened to her. You’re right. I’m nuts. And she loves it when I give her a little more independence!
I am surprised that there are people who are against this ..! There is absolutely no other way to live and grow as a complete person. Your experiences shape you and prepare you for the future and the earlier the kids learn the better it is for them…. People don’t vote against teaching their kids violin@ age 9 so why this… let them learn what this world has in store for them.
I caught the tail end of your interview on NPR and really appreciate people like you out in the world. I realize that I too would like to have a Free Range Kid, but have a difficult time figuring out how to comfortably back up and let me fledging test her wings. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to open my hands to allow this process to happen. I would love for my daughter to have that same sort of freedom I had growing up in the 70’s!
I totally agree with your sentiment here. Of course we won’t let our kids run totally wild now, they are 2 and 5 and we live on a crazy street etc. But your point is valid! Things have gone WAY too far in the opposite direction. You can’t even find a fun playground anymore, they’re all so tamed down and funproofed.
I was a free range kid myself. Total latchkey kid out in the sticks of rural Oregon. Loved every minute of it and learned a LOT.
We’re not doing our kids any favors by restricting them so much.
I don’t have kids, but I heard about this on the radio this morning and feel that I have to say, that this is possibly the most sane thing related to raising children I’ve heard since I was a child myself (I’m 24 now)
Yippeee, Free Range Kids! Streets are for people too, let’s take back our cities!
Kidical Mass!
http://www.kidicalmass.org
I could not beleive my ears when I heard this on WOR!
You are insane! You are asking for trouble!
How would you feel if something happened to your child while letting him have “free range”?????????
NOT THIS MOM!!!!!!!!!!!
Even a quick scan of the comments on this page shows that the arguments against your stand are almost entirely examples of “converse fallacy of accident” — arguing against an objective conclusion by citing special cases.
As a parent who continues to be viewed as irresponsible for choosing to live a car-free lifestyle — the horror of taking my kid to the store in a bicycle trailer! — I feel your frustration. It’s very reassuring to know that there are others out there who aren’t complete idiots, and whose children might actually grow up functional and complete.
I am thrilled your are standing up for wisdom. Keep up the good work.
And you wonder why kids are video game zombies – they can’t go outside!
When I was 10, I went around the neighborhood on my own selling popcorn to raise funds to go to camp – who does that anymore? I babysat at 14 and was responsible for 2 kids 5 and 8.
While there could be a balance of “don’t come back until dinner,” kids should be able to walk / play wherever you both feel comfortable with.
While my 8 year old wouldn’t be ready to go to NYC on her own, who’s to say that your son isn’t – every kid has their strengths and he obviously was prepared.
We really need to get to know our neighbors again and start to get out of this pervasive attitude of fear (thanks to the current administration and TV, it sells well!).
Thanks for this breath of fresh air. KJ
My sons are 26 and 11 and both have been raised as Free Range Kids. Recently, my 11 year old son went to the local park (approx 4-5 blocks away) to play rollerblade hockey. He fell and broke his arm. He knew what to do and was able to get himself back home so we could take him to ER. The ER doctor acted as if we had set him loose in the wilderness! I was proud of him and will continue to encourage his independance. We have neighbors that still do not allow their boys (12 and 13) to go to the park w/o supervision. Which boy is better off? My son!
I was a Free Range kid. And it made me enjoy my childhood. It made me smarter, more autonomous, more responsible and less prone to teen rebellion. Freedom with accountability.
Great article and great initiative with this site. Congrats!
Let your kids grow beyond themselves, don’t cage them. Protecting them from the bad things – small and big, almost certain and 1 in a million chance – in live will also deny them all the good things that could cross their path if they were aloud to follow it…
You are my new hero! I’ve got 2 kids, 3 1/2 and 1 year and they’re both free range kids. Well, the little one WILL be. The one thing I keep hearing is that, oh you need to be more careful with them….they might fall down or get hurt if you let them do that. Well, guess what? Kids DO fall down. Kids DO get hurt. IT’S CALLED THE LEARNING CURVE and the sooner your kids get real life experience, the less they will fall down and the less they will get hurt. Kids are a million times smarter and ready for what life throws them than most people give them credit for. Do you want to raise a follower, or a leader? Give them a long long leash and let them gain the confidence to change the world.
I just heard you on Talk of the Nation, and I completely agree with your principles. However, I think that your statistics are not as sound as you think. For example, you compared kids riding in cars vs. being abducted. A true comparison would be number abductions per trips kids make alone vs. number of car accidents per car trips. Obviously kids ride in cars far more than they are alone. Similarly, you laughed that one caller may have been comparing letting your kids make a trip alone with letting them handle a firearm alone, but by your standards I am sure that you would find that children accidents with unattended firearms are far less frequent than abductions. Let me repeat that I agree with you, and obviously it is not as safe to let kids have guns, but simply it happens less so there is less chance of an accident.
I applaud what you are doing, but I have to add a warning to the list, ironically.
Having just come through a stunning custodial challenge (the second in three years) where I was accused of negligence for things like letting the kids wade in knee-deep water while I was present without safety gear, I have learned first hand how dangerous it is to be PERCEIVED as negligent.
Losing your child to a hostile ex (or even the state) IS a realistic concern in this day and age if you step too far outside the norm. I knew it was coming and was pretty conservative, but I still had to defend my choices to a variety of officials.
I fall on the free range side, but am more conservative than I would be if I felt secure from future challenges.
Ours is only 11 months old, but we’re already trying to raise him to be independent and free range. His play area is baby friendly, but certainly not “baby proof” and we encourage him to take risks and try new things. Besides, the house is 145 years old, making it “safe” would be impossible…
Heard you on NPR, and I want to say, right on! I want my kids to grow up feeling unafraid and willing to go out and meet the world. We walk around our neighborhood as often as weather allows, and we get the kids to pay attention to where we are and challenge them to find the way to our destination. They know their way around. At the age of nine, my older son walks to the homes of friends blocks away, one over half a mile. Usually his friends meet him halfway, so I know I am not viewed as the crazy mom because other people are letting their kids do it too. He rides the neighborhood bus on his own. We send him away to camp for two weeks at a time, much against the warnings of in-laws who warn of the “sickos” who work at camps. He’s even let himself into the house with the key he keeps in his backpack “just in case”. Just in case mom gets stuck in traffic and doesn’t make it home, he is fully capable of letting himself in and starting homework. Once he did this, had a question about homework, and called up his Grandpa. Till then, I hadn’t even known he knew how to find the number. He isn’t traumatized by being alone for a bit, even seems pleased with himself.
Love it. My kids have been the same all along. I know some parents that drove my wife nuts with the freedom that our kids had (especially when their kids were wishing they could do the same). Still they are happy, well adjusted and able to navigate the city quite well. I would not have done it any other way..
I also heard you on NPR. I wanted to add my vote of support for your decision. I think you handled the initial situation correctly for your given circumstances and you’ve done and excellent job in how you’ve handled the resulting media frenzy.
Lots of great rational responses here – and I applaud you and everyone that agrees. We in North America are raising a society of kids (and subsequantly adults) who have no concept of critical thinking and analysis of situations.
Kids must get brusied knees, eat dirt, get lost (temporarily) in the woods out at the farm, ride bikes, and walk on the street. They must do this in order to assess relative danger, rationalize, and ask critical questions in various situations. How does the danger of riding a bike compare to jumping off a bridge; walking down the neighborhood street compare to playing on the freeway; eating snow compare to drinking bleach; etc.
Kids (and sadly many adults) need to learn how to live life and create strategies to assess and MITIGATE danger, NOT eliminate it.
This is done everywhere in nature except with us stupid humans – of course humans are the only life on this planet that constantly throws mother nature’s perfection out of balance. I’m not sure if humans even have 100 years (as suggested in another letter) left on this planet at the rate we are going.
Apprantly, climbing is a toddler behavior with an additional charge on the day-care price list.
My wife recently picked up my 18 month old boy at a rec-center day care and they jokingly told her that next time he would be charged double because he was a “climber.” I guess that means that instead of just watching the children, the staff had to get him down off the roof of the play house several times.
At home, my son has incredible ballance. We’ll find him circling the dining room table walking on the seats and arms of chairs, straddling gaps like a pro mountaineer and rarely falling or taking a tumble.
I’ll be in a public place and other parents will jump to save my kid before he’s even a foot off the ground . I always give him 2-3 feet before I get uncomfortable.
I realize that my child is learning when he balances on the arm of a chair, and when he falls from that same chair a moment later. He’s learning when he closes the cabliet doors on his fingers (we don’t use cabinet locks), hes learning when he rolls down the last few stairs because he wanted to try walking forward down them.
But soon, he will be slamming cabinet doors like a pro, he’ll be running up and down the steps with legs seemingly too short to make it up each step.
It is about time someone stood up to put a stop to the OVER-protection of children. Yes, we need to protect our children, but not to the point where they can no longer function in society. The world is really no more dangerous for children today than it was 20 years ago, it only seems that way due to media hyping up every little thing that happens.
Can something bad happen? Yes. But something bad can happen anywhere, children get shot at school. We cannot be with them always, it is our responsibility to teach them to function without us.
I think this may be important on the Internet/computers as well. Kids aren’t going to able to live their whole lives afraid and ignorant of Google. The fact that I had total and complete freedom on my own computer is one of the reasons I’m where I am today, close to mastery of PHP and learning both Java and Python.
On a computer, if you’re afraid (or forbidden) to experiment, you’ll never learn anything.
Restrictions on who you are allowed to talk to online… if you did the same thing in the real world (following your child around at school, choosing which conversations happen, listening to them, and taking home transcripts), DCF would get interested.
(Disclaimer: 13 here.)
Bravo!!
I just wanted to leave a quick note to applaud your actions. I do not have children, but when I was growing I had quite a bit of freedom. Sure I made mistakes, and got involved in things I probably shouldn’t have been. That led to some of the most important lessons of my life though. I am proud to say I am still here, happy and healthy and much more confident than I would have been otherwise.
I remember years ago when my son was about 10-11 and he some other friends wanted to ride their bikes to a park about a mile-a mile and a half away. They had sandwiches (which they made), snacks, water, etc. No cell phone. No walkie-talkie. And they were to be home at a certain. Just one parent squawked. The kids had a great time, learned about their neighborhood and got together throughtout that summer for other bike trips. Free Range All The Way!
I can say for a fact that free-range children are healthier and taste better then those raised in captivity.
I kid!
I think there is a lot of support for this free-range concept. My wife and I have been discussing this for a while now. We have friends, family, and neighbors that act as though the world is out to kill their children.
What the hell is the world coming to when a kid can’t be allowed to get hurt or fail at anything?
Several months ago we went to a pool party and there was a kid there that could not get in the pool without a lifejacket on. OK, thats one safety net. He was also NOT allowed to let go of the side of the pool. Thats 2 safety nets. Further his dad hovered 2ft away and watched him watch the other kids play and swim in the middle of the pool. THAT’S 3 SAFETY NETS! Do you think that kid will grow up with a healthy attitude about rivers, lakes, pools, the ocean etc?
I’m A child who’s mother is crazily over protective. I’m 17 in 5 days and She’s still convinced that I have no morals if she isn’t there standing over my shoulder
I’m really glad there are parents that don’t shelter kids to the point of making them socially isolated. And i’m sad that there are parents that still don’t let their kids have real sugar.
I Envy your kids
Bravo. I shouldn’t really leave a reply since I am childless and plan to remain that way. But I am member of society and the “auntie” to many a human to be, and let’s face it just plan nosey and judgmental.
I was an only child raised free and wild. Now granted I lived one block away from my elementary school and my Mom could stare out the dining room window and practically watch me walk into my class room.
Since our family loved to cook I was handling a paring knife long before I was comfortable eating with a fork (that may be an exaggeration, but it’s my memory so I’m keeping it) and to this day I have of the finest knife and kitchen skills.
It was not a horrible preventable accident, or some faceless nameless boogieman that scared my childhood, it was leukemia. nothing my mother did could have protected me from that monster. And yet even when I was battling the beast my Mom let me run free (so long as I took my meds) and so unless I was actually “feeling” I never felt sick.
I was a free range kid, I made it, no broken bones, no stints in rehab, not tattoos even. In the end I’m kind of boring really.
Bravo for this site and your efforts, as an “Auntie” I plan to show my neeflings the wonders of trebuchets and sword fighting, how to pour champagne and dice onions (woohoo child labor!).
My son will be five soon. He never leaves my sight. Some days I’m afraid to let him go into the kitchen or bathroom alone. We don’t go anywhere outside without holding hands. Of course, my son has autism, and is unable to appreciate the concept of danger in the same way that you, I, or a typical five year old would. For instance – having burned himself on a hot pan, my child is still unable to understand that it is dangerous to touch a hot pan.
I dream of a day when my son is capable of being so independent as to ride the subway alone. I would be grateful for it. Many parents are so enraptured by thier media driven fears that they are unwilling to enjoy the tremendous good fortune they have recieved in having a typically developing child. Parents who overprotect thier children do so because they WANT to. If they HAD to they would not be so thrilled at the task.
I whole heartedly agree. If kids are coddled like this, our world is going to end. I used to walk for miles with my sister when I was a kid, and with my friend across the street we’d go searching all over the town. Parents these days need to get a grip and stop being such a bunch of sissies. Their kids are going to grow up retarded.
For!
http://smollig.blogspot.com/2008/04/wherever-you-roam.html
I believe that sending a 9 year old onto the subway alone is not only a very stupid thing to do but quite possibly criminal in some places.
Kids can build a sense of independence and self reliance without these kind of knee jerk reactionary escapades. It just takes a bit more actual participation by and creativity from the parents.
Here’s a TED talk on the subject.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/202
It’s definitely true that you can’t protect your children from everything. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. But the real question here is to what extent parents equip their children to deal with the real world. Most parents today are spending all their time protecting, censoring and controlling, while spending very little time giving children the tools they need to get by. Never letting your kids go out of the house alone is a form of abstinence education, every bit as mindless as crossing your fingers and praying they’ll never have sex if you never talk about it.
Let me start by applauding your ideas.
In response to some of the scaremongers here, I’d say it’s obvious that there are some 9-year-olds who would be best not left anywhere alone, let alone in NYC, and others for whom this would be no problem at all. The latter are likely those who have been brought up by people who think like you.
A common theme among your supporters here is “we were brought up this way so it should be OK for our kids.” I’d say there is a key change that has taken place between our childhoods and our kids’, and funnily enough it’s not a massive increase in rampant, child-snatching paedophiles on the streets. Rather, it’s a huge increase in traffic levels. Our kids’ lives are circumscribed by cars. Cars make it dangerous for them to be out alone and so they need cars to get anywhere. Bear this in mind when raising free-range children and you should be good. I’m lucky enough to be raising kids in a place where there a few cars but OTOH most places are too far away for kids to walk. Oh well.
Hello, I am not a parent but I am excited to be one… eventually…. later. I am 21 years old and going to college in cleveland, ohio. I am one of those guys that is super excited to be a dad. This idea strikes dead on the kind of parenting I want to emulate. I cringe at the sight of parents who demand their 9-year old hold their hand as they cross the street. It seems to me they are treating their almost-teens as if they just learned to walk. I feel kids are way way smarter than most parents give them credit for, and they will only grow to the intellectual standards you hold them too.
I also recall cringing at my peers restrictions. I grew up at the beginning of this “scare the hell out of parents” news media meme. I live in a suburb called Lakewood. Our violent crime rate is almost non existent. But, I grew up on the “bad side of town”. Where homes only go for 80-100,000 dollars instead of 300-900,000. One time me and my friends where at one of Lakewood’s 5 major parks (in only 32 square miles of city or less) and I invited everyone over for snacks at my house (we where 14 or 15 at the time). 3 of my 7 buddies refused to go because their parents had informed them that going past the park was dangerous and not allowed.
Many of my friends had to be home by 930 or 10pm every night (even weekends) until they left for college (and are held to similar restrictions when they come home).
My parents placed almost no (ridiculous) restrictions on me. I walked to school alone, i came home when I felt it was reasonable. I rode public transportation. I am currently alive and well with a 3.925 gpa and on track to go for a PhD in economics.
This isn’t well written. But know us eventual parents need this reminder. We need encouragement to live up to our own childhood promises of “i will never do this to my kid.” We need examples of rationality, not paranoia. Thank you for providing this.
I was born in 1980, and was free-range from the age of 8 onwards. I didn’t ride a bicycle, but walked to school and various shops, and would often be deposited at or near the mall with permission to wander the neighborhood (there were other shops around in walking distance, including my favorite comic book store) provided I was back at the designated pick-up location on time.
it was a working-class area, not really a rich neighborhood but not a slum either. I was never beaten up, and only rarely offered drugs or spoken to by creepy older people, but I had been given sound instructions on these issues beforehand and always came home undrugged, unmolested, and otherwise unharmed (except for the scrapes when I took a short cut through some thorny undergrowth).
About time, while I wouldn’t have done what you did I do think some parents coddle their kids too much. Both my kids have played out on the street since they were around 6. As they got older I allowed their boundaries to expand to neighbouring streets. They both go to the local shop for me and know to be back in the house when the street lights go on or at 8pm (whichever comes first). They do have mobiles but that’s more because ‘everyone else’ does rather then me wanting to keep in touch. My son walks to and from high school and my daughter will when she starts in September. They both know the rules but they know that I trust them to behave themselves and be safe and they appreciate that trust and responsibility. I’d rather this than keeping them ‘safe’ until they’re suddenly off to uni or going out to work and having no idea how to behave or react to the outside world. I saw a documentary the other night about parents going so far as to have their children chipped like pets – ridiculous!
We moved from Las Vegas, NV to a small town in Montana (outside of Missoula) precisely because we didn’t feel comfortable raising kids in a large city like Las Vegas. Unlike New York, there are no subways, and no good public transportation. Not that the kids had any desire to go for a bus ride on their own, but we felt it better to raise the kids closer to nature, where we can just let them run free in the woods or ride their bikes over to friends’ houses.
When we first moved here, and finally got the kids new bikes, I told my son to go have fun. He was a bit at a loss at first (“where should I go?” “I can really go off on my own?!”) so I gave him a few bucks for a coke and told him to go down to the gas-station and get a soda for himself. He thought I was kidding at first, but has since gotten into being free to go ride his bike wherever he wants to. We feel completely comfortable letting him go.
I was raised in Germany (medium sized town of about 50K people), where things are naturally a bit different. Towns are generally smaller, distances smaller, and public transportation absolutely fantastic. We rode our bikes 15 minutes to school every day (rain or shine, except when mom was nice and gave us a ride), and the bus in the winter. We were free to ride our bikes all over town to go visit friends. The culture doesn’t revolve around cars so much, so riding the bike was completely normal. I would like my kids to grow up with the freedom a bike and good surroundings offer.
I applaud you letting your kid ride on the subway. I told my wife (who was born and raised in vegas), and she was a bit skeptical, but allowed that it probably was day-time, and that you probably made sure not to put the kid into undue harm. She’s not sure she would have let our son alone in New York, but we also didn’t grow up there (we visited a few times). I’m thinking that if we were born and raised in New York, we’d probably do that as well.
We americans tend to treat kids as imbeciles until the age of 20, and it shows in our culture. It’s time to treat kids as young as 9 or 10 as the budding adults that they are. We as a country will be better for it. “Do it for the Children!” (hah!)
A couple years ago we pulled a young girl from the ice. She broke through the ice, along with her babysitter, who pulled himself out and went home to change clothes, leaving us to try to figure out where she went through.
Just because kids are “supervised” doesn’t mean that bad things can’t happen to them as well. Better to teach kids common sense they can use when they’re alone or in supervised groups.
Hi,
thank you so much, you are giving me back a trust in American Socitety that I have been lacking. I chose to raise my Kids in Europe for the very simple reason that doing what you are doing would have brought me in contact with social workers in the NY suburb I used to live in.
Here (Austria) all kids walk to school from 1st grade onwards. Kids eat snow, run through the woods, dig holes in the ground with their hands, ride bicycles, climb trees, and much more. They don’t automatically get run over, kidnapped, die of some germs, fall off and break their neck, and much more. But they are automatically growing up exploring their world, they do automatically grow up confident in what they can do and aware of what dangers there really are.
Thank you so much for bringing back sanity to child rearing in a country that is dear to my heart. Thank you for your initiative.
For.
The hazards are real. However, If your children do not learn to deal with them at an early age, they’ll have an opportunity to be far more reckless with far more dangerous stuff at a later age –and you won’t be able to do a damned thing about it.
Well, I dunno. I was somewhat free range when I was young, so I’m not dead set against the concept, but it really depends on the location and the kid.
My children lost a nine year old friend and neighbor of theirs when he borrowed a bike from another neighbor kid and then promptly rolled into the street ON it, where he wound up being hit and mortally wounded by a car-in front of half the neighborhood. (My kids were just finishing up dinner with us or they’d have probably witnessed it themselves.)
We as parents still are responsible to use our best judgement about how much freedom our children can handle.
There are a lot of negative comments on here, some understandable, most simple prejudice.
To sibling, who lost two brothers and a friend to drowning.
That’s a horrible thing to live with, but people die every day in a number of awful ways.
I have had several friends die on motorcycles, but I still ride daily.
I have had several friends die, all at once, in a car wreck. But I still drive.
I know people who have died as a result of drinking, but I enjoy a beer.
We teach our children their rights, but not responsibilities.
Kids need to learn to take knocks.
I agree that they need boundaries. I had them, and I pushed them. Constantly.
If kids want mischief, they will find it, and statistically they more likely to die or be seriously injured in the home than out of it.
Let ’em grow.
My wife and I are planning on kids in the near future and we just moved from Chicago to a smaller downstate city. Even without a kid, I can already feel the fear of letting them out of my sight, but I definitely want to raise them “Free Range.” I was born and raised in a big city, so this smaller city seems much safer than some of the areas I wandered as a kid. But I think environments like this, or suburban or rural areas, are good “incubators” for free range kids, without the more “intrusive” dangers in a larger city (having grown up around drugs and gangs myself). Let them develop their independence here, and they’ll be able to handle the bigger stuff later in life.
I was raised much more of a free-range kid than my kids are allowed to be. The reason for this is that people are not the same as they were in the 70’s. Our culture is not the same as it was even then. Pornography and child pornography is hugely, astronomically increased since those times. With the pornography, comes the BEHAVIOR. There are much looser morals in these days- there is much less inhibition against doing wrong and evil things. Violence in movies & tv & video games and vicious sarcasm disguised as “humor” are considered acceptable things for childhood in our culture. If I thought all my neighbors were the Cleavers, then of course I’d let my kid go free-range. But they are not, and we don’t live in the 50’s or even the 70’s any more. We just DON’T! It’s not that I don’t trust my kids to be capable, but that the circumstances have changed. They face bigger dangers than we did, and I’m not interested in exposing them to what it takes to be safe against the many, many more creeps and sickos there are now. I want them to be innocent as long as they can, it’s their right.
Not only that, but people drive much faster now, and have bigger, more powerful cars. And I believe they drive more recklessly- in our society there is hardly such a thing as responsibility to others, it is all selfish. There are more people now, and streets are busier. So riding your bike from one end of town to the other end of town is VERY different now, then it was then. It is simply more dangerous!
As for suburban or rural areas being better for raising free-range kids, maybe. But I wouldn’t bet on it. I would walk any night down in downtown Manhattan where there’s always people around, but I wouldn’t walk at night in my local woods. When people get isolated, and when you have small towns, things tend to get insulated, isolated, and strange. Sick things can breed there. I’ve seen it over & over.
So that is why my kids are most definitely NOT free-range kids.
I totally support what you did and must also add that the oppressive, paranoid parenting culture in the States is one of the main reasons my husband and I left. We want our kids to run outside with packs of their friends until they hear us yell “Dinner!” and now they do. Good luck.
I’m 23 years old now, but was raised by very overprotective parents. I was the youngest of 3, and fortunately received the least of that protection.
I don’t know how my older siblings turned out in regards to new situations, but I’m glad I got a relatively early start to new experiences. What served me best was hiking in the state parks once I got my driver’s license. I learned how to keep an eye out for strangers, how to find my way back on trails, and most importantly, how to stay calm if I might be lost.
When I was 19, I went off with some friends to Toronto. I was the only one that had not ridden a subway before. It was sobering to realize that I would have had no idea how to get around the city if I was alone.
I’m 23 now, and fairly independent. But it’s unfortunate that the next generation may be even more overprotected than I was.
Kids: Get the heck outside, and when you’re hungry, come in and make your own darn sandwich!
When I was ten years old, summertime was the time to explore the world! We’d head out at about ten in the morning, return for lunchtime, and head back out again. We’d stay out until it got dark building forts, exploring creeks, making (gasp!) boobytraps for nonexistent bad guys. The great thing is, I’m not that old! This was only fifteen years ago! I guess my mom was ahead of the curve.
Let’s just honor the time-tested methods of parenting, eh? Tell your parents where you’re going, and be home by dark.
Excellent job.
I applaud your message, and your desire to EN-COURAGE your kids, rather than DIS-COURAGE them. Too many folks in this world are in the business of spreading fear, and too many folks are buying in. Thanks for the reminder for kids of all ages: no risk, no reward.
Great site. Great idea! I really think the current generation of parents are too suffocating. It’s difficult to give your own kids “Free Range” as you get sucked into the current mindset.
I saw a great article about 6 months ago on this trend featuring an English family– “How children lost the right to roam in four generations” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=462091&in_page_id=1770
Hi, love the premise. if you get time, I think it would be really helpful to back up your point not just with the occasional statistical tidbit, but with a top 10 or top 5 causes of Death for people under 18, *giving sources*.
You could be claiming water is wet and some people will still think it’s a crazy theory, but hard data (though never perfect) is harder to villianize.
Also, if you make a statistics page please include rates of death/injury/sexual abuse that happen within the home vs outside, strangers vs known person. I personally knew a mother who moved her family to a safer neighborhood and did not listen to them when they told her their father was abusing them.
this link was sent to me by a friend who recognized my parenting practices in what he read on this website. i’m guessing that he heard the interview on mpr.
i see so much confidence in my daughter who is only 17 months old- just from my setting up a relatively safe environment for her to explore and then letting her do just that! of course i’ve plugged the sockets and blocked off the litter boxes and i’m always near-by enough to react when needed. but she doesn’t take flying leaps off of chairs- unless i happen to be within arm’s reach of her. why? because she understands what would happen if she did!
yes, there is a risk in doing this but there is also a notceable benefit! i see so many kids doing the dumbest things and i can’t help but attribute it to their parents’ overprotection/obsession.
i am repeatedly told what a great temperament my daughter has and i think it is partially due to the fact that she is allowed to challenge herself on a daily basis. she is not bored or suffering from low self-esteem. she can amuse herself which is a skill many children are not even allowed to develop these days!
at the same time, i do think it is important to always keep in mind the actual capabilities and the emotional (as well as physical) impact of what your child is allowed to do. no one would let a two year old leave the yard and go down the street alone (i would hope). it is all about empowerment, not neglect!
i’m glad to see that not only are some other parents rethinking the effects of overprotection, but that there is a voice out there that is spreading this radical concept!
i think that i may take it one step further when i am thinking about how i parent: i don’t think about how i was raised or how my parents were raised, i actually think about how things were 100 years ago on the prairie. sometimes i consider other cultures or other parts of the world and how their parenting might be done differently.
thank you, thank you, thank you for this website! i have forwarded the link to many friends and family so that they can read about other people that are doing similar things with their children. maybe if they read all of the articles they will come out of it thinking that i am pretty uptight compared to some people…! ;^)
i can definitely tell you that my friends and family have noted the results- even at such an early age- of my parenting. not that they haven’t voiced concern from time to time when i tell them that she is climbing on this or that! but they also report back that she does not try do things that are outside of her capability without caution or assistance- which i think is kind of a revelation to them!
i hope that no one reads this website and thinks that it is justification for neglectful parenting because it could be misinterpreted as such. it would be a shame if that is what they took away from this information.
however, there will always be people who operate out of a negative mode and are not inclined to open their minds to radical concepts like “not everything from the past is wrong or bad”.
as for the above responder who stated that cars are bigger and more powerful now than they were in the past…. she must not have been a “free range” child herself because if she had been out and about in the 70’s (or she may be much younger) she would have seen just how big a chevy impala used to be! before they set govermental standards to curb oil use, cars and engines were HUGE and people could drive much faster than the fuel-economizing limit of “drive 55″…
the point is to teach your children about the dangers of cars BEFORE you let them go on their own and have the chance to make the decision to do something that could get anyone- not just a child- killed!
and heck, cars don’t have to be that big, powerful or fast-moving to injure or kill someone who was not paying attention… they don’t frequently go veering off of the allotted road that they are driving on… and in the case that they do not even sitting in the living room of an urban dwelling is truly safe from “that” driver…! accidents happen.
in our community a child was killed while doing homework in her kitchen. good for her for doing her homework- when she was done she may have even been allowed outside to play in the streets. my point is that you don’t have to be out carousing to end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
People take media-violence and near-crimes (& near-tragedies) in their lives and trump them up into some cautious fiction, which is then used to limit life experience and make a cloud of misery for their progeny. Witness ‘Sibling’ above who wrote: “When I was very young my 2 brothers along with 3 other boys fell through the ice on a small pond and drowned. If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive.”
Yes ‘Sibling,’ they would. That guidance would have saved your sibling, but everyone else not slated to fall through ice would just be penalized by your general proscription, and their experience needlessly reduced. Unless everyone in all creation is promised the same experience, your rule is overkill. You don’t make guidelines and rules based on the most random extreme thing that might happen.
Last week on ABCnews, there was an article announcing that Ultimate Fighting has become a sport for kids (!) with one super-stupid parent stating, “He’s going to need to be able to protect himself and his family,” as if a standard lifetime ever requires a person to become physically violent with another person. What a moron.
These terrorized parents impose a harsh world view onto their surroundings that is usually not there. I’m 40 and only about ten years ago after some cross-country trips did I learn that most strangers can be trusted to ehlp youout of a jam and be polite. My parents would have preferred me to believe they were all out to get me. dumb.
Ditto for tiny-minded parents who move to the suburbs for a number of other reasons* then insist it’s about safety. Ten years later their kids are so chroncially unstimulated stranded in the sticks that they join gangs, do drugs, knock up girls, get STDs. Some trade-off huh?
* Moving to the suburbs is really about vanity, narrow-mindedness, neurosis, economy, and personal failings. So it’s comfortable to pretend it’s really something you’re doing it for the kids safety.
Hooray, a sane parent at last!
Completely for {and trying to raise my boys} “free range”. I love this term; this description; this definition. It fits very nicely into a parenting style that I always believed in but didn’t know had a label.
A long time ago I read a quote from somewhere that said: “I remember when a little bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you”.
That quote, I’m sure said by some “old timer” always stuck with me. And it’s what I think of when I’m getting a little anxious about my boys exploring deeper into the woods behind our house. It what relaxes me and lets them be.
I agree that the risks are greater now than 50 years ago. But I also believe in allowing my children {within reason} to develop the inner tools to survive those risks.
I believe in big breakfasts with bacon and butter, running naked through sprinklers in the summer, exploring in the woods peacefully alone to daydream, catching bugs and getting stung by bees, building treehouses and getting splinters, coming in for lunch only because you have just realized you were hungry… I could just go on and on.
I hope I’m never too scared or {circumstantially} jaded to see the good that these things do for the soul.
Thanks!
I totally agree. We have three sons. Our two older boys get to and from school on their own (a mile each way), ride their bikes to friends’ houses, even 5 miles away, walk to the local shopping center on their own, and so on. My middle son has started exploring the city on his bike — something I well remember doing at his age. It always amazes me to see the line of moms in SUVs lining up at the school doors to pick up children and take them to their next appointment. Parents comment on how I “make” my kids get to and from school under their own steam, but I don’t feel guilty. It’s kind of nice to have that down time. Also, I have read that children need to learn independence or they are developmentally stunted. Not to mention never having the opportunity to experience figuring out something on their own. I am a librarian and have worked in both public and academic settings and cannot believe how many parents come up to me and ask their children’s homework question for them — this even happened at the university! Usually I will say, “Why don’t you let him/her tell me what the assignment is him/herself?” They always seem so surprised. Thank you for letting me rant.
so wonderful that someone is making a stand 🙂 of course I, too, grew up a free range kid — didn’t we all? — oldest of five and I was free to roam my southeast Portland, Oregon neighborhood from as young as I can remember. there were always boundaries, and amazingly enough, at five or six, we knew what they were! none of us was hurt in the slightest, and two of us ended up valedictorian of our high school.
now I have three boys and they’re a bit young to be sending on the subway alone, but I admit to taking great risks. I let my two-year-old go to the backyard alone to play in the sandbox. I let my five-year-old cross the street without holding hands. I let my nine-month-old eat raw honey. I let them all play in the dirt.
children are far more intelligent and responsible than we’re allowing them to be, today, and I believe in taking reasonable precautions, and then, letting them LIVE.
(note: I let my chickens free range too. their eggs are amazing!)
I am for Free Range^1985th power.
That was the year I was born in, so I am one of the last to have “free range” be anything near common. The area I grew up in was not one of the safest in terms of crime, but I was still allowed, even encouraged, to walk/bike around the neighborhood. I learned street smarts and how to sense what was real danger. I knew how to interact tactfully with other free range kids, far before the word “tact” was in my vocabulary. I’d walk our large dogs around the neighborhood, and no one ever messed with the little güera girl and her lab mutt and chow. And I had my first e-mail address and use of chatrooms of all ages at 11, two years before the modern minimum age of online decision making, and was probably the first minor within at least a mile to do so. No one ever received my address, nor did any gang ever entice me, because I knew no one else would love or care for me more than my God and my parents.
When I was 9, my family went on vacation to Manhattan, and the place terrified me, but only because it was Not Home At All. Home was Phoenix, where trees were taller than buildings, avenues are West and streets are East and never the twain shall meet, either spoke English or Spanish were spoken, and a heavy jacket and mittens were for wearing near Christmas, not before Halloween. I am glad that you and your son are living free range, if you make it work in New York you can make it anywhere. Thank you, and ¡Viva la resistancía!
For. Although I like mobile phones. 🙂
WOW!
You guys must be living on another planet. I am living in Germany and from here it looks like big America has vanished somewhere into nothing and lost in fear.
When I was young, we were FREE as kids, and I mean FREE. I was in one place walking nearly half an hour to my school and same time back. In another place, where I was living, I had to take the bus for 45 minutes plus 10 minutes walk from home to the bus station. And guess what, I, like all my friends made the way back home every day. And after school we took the football and off we went to the soccer field to play. Only rule was to come back before dark. And – we all grew up and survived it.
Now I am raising 2 kids (11 and 12) at the moment and they are going to school by bus every day. And they are meeting friends and live a happy live. Actually I DON’T want to know about everything they do. Why should I. They have secrets. GOOD. They should have. It is part of everyones live. Was it difficult to let them go to kindergarden alone when they were young? Of course it was. And I was watching them going that almost one mile to the kindergarden at least as much as I could see (maybe 3 quarters). They were 5 by that time and came back home every day.
So much for my history now back to America: When we were young we looked up to America. We liked that freedom, the opportunities and the rights people seemed to have over there. But now? All you Americans look at your country. ‘The land of the free? The home of the brave?’ Next time you sing your hymn, think twice. Are you still free? What about being brave? When I read through the comments to this real personal website, I found it very strange how some people could attack someone else so terrible for having such a normal opinion. They let their kids grow up free and let them learn about responsibility. That is a good thing!
Face it: You cannot protect your kid from every evil thing in the world. Your kid has to grow up and learn to decide for him/herself. When will you start doing it? When he/she is 18? 21? 25? never?
Don’t be so afraid of live. In the end, you will die anyway. So this short time in between should be filled with joy and happiness not with fear of what could happen. Don’t forget to live. And allow your kids to live too.
Long live FreeRangeKids 😉
P.S.: Tx for reading
I’m pregnant with our first child and absolutely dumbfounded at the safety-mania in the blogging world about children. Listening to a normally wonderful podcast the other day, they were talking about carabiners and how useful they are, but felt the need to have an aside to be careful with them because they can pinch your kids’ fingers.
Carabiners can pinch your kids’ fingers, people! Stop them now!
Yes, the carabiner will pinch your kid’s finger, and they will learn that carabiners pinch. Ow. Pinchy. Move on.
I’m all for free-range children because this is how we learn that life is dangerous and some things hurt and whose responsibility is it to be careful around dangerous things? Yours. Not your parents’.
When I was around twelve, a man pulled up to me in his van as I walking to school and offered me a ride. I refused him because of Stranger Danger, yes, but also because I’d seen creepy adults before and knew better than to go near them. The second lesson is the more effective one.
I rode the subway in Chicago alone for the first time when I was eleven. It had never occurred to me that I could before then, that I was responsible enough to find my way and be responsible for myself. I was. That’s all there is to it.
Sheltering helps no one.
Bravo! I’ve just become an elementary school teacher (US) and the fear shown by some of the parents saddens me. To a great extent, I blame the media and its fear-oriented programming. Once the communists disappeared, they had to scare us with something to get our attention, and crime filled the bill.
What the kids lose in independence and life experience is not offset by their “increased safety”.
The world is not more dangerous for our kids than it was for us, the media has just made sure we know about every tiny thing that happens to kids everywhere, and the Baby Boomers are too protective and it makes for insanity.
I recall 10 years ago visiting a family friend who lived in the house I grew up in. We roamed the neighborhood and never thought about it. Now, she fenced in the back yard and watches her daughter (at least 12 years old) if she goes back there! This is a home in a small town, great neighborhood and so far from any real danger. It’s crazy! Fear put on her by the media.
Serial killers existed in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. But today its a fear. These priests did their worst decades ago, but today its a fear. Get real.
I give my daughter the same freedoms I had. I do not succumb to the hysteria.
Just found your website on the front page of del.icio.us and I love it. I was just thinking about this the other day.
When we were young, we rode around in the back of our grandfather’s pickup truck; played in a swamp; wandered around our neigborhood at will — much of it wooded and secluded. We played with clackers (Remember those small, solid balls that you clacked together?), yard darts and vine swings. We ate candy, drank soda and watched tv. Yet somehow we survived!
One of my sisters — who grew up with this freedom — immediately became a crazy person when her kids were born. They are monitored 24/7, can’t have sugar, can’t even sit out on their front porch — forget about
going to the park alone — someone will steal them.
Instead of having the freedom to explore, learn and grow, their days are: School, then sports teams after school (all year long, doesn’t matter which ones just as long as they are in them), then homework, then school, then sports teams, then homework. Every so often they get to go to the park “as a family”, but never by themselves.
Kids are growing up to be a bunch of medicated sheep without the ability to think for themselves. So sad.
the backlash for kids without a parent present is the upshot of the no-child-left-unattended policy.
my 14 year old son and his friends were picked up by the cops at the train tracks near our house because it is now so uncommon for kids to be out on their own that clearly they were up to something awfully suspicious by picking those blackberries that grow in profusion there. none of them had cell phone umbilical cords so they were treated like drug-dealing runaway truant thugs! they were each individually delivered to their doorsteps in the police cruiser.
my 8 year old carries a note in his back pocket that says:
my mom knows where i am. she told me it was okay to be here and she knows i can get home on my own. if you really don’t believe me, call her (and then there is our number) and then i’ve signed it.
this may seem silly, but so far 3 different parents have called me while he’s been out at the park near our house to make sure.
keep up the good work!
FEAR! what a perfect way to destroy all that is wonderful in the world.
It’s absurd that you are making a stand – and yet you are. Thank for refusing to submit. You are doing your son the greatest service you can ever do for him.
This is the parenting advice I have been waiting for.
A wonderful way to raise your children! My girls are growing up to be self-sufficient, strong, and confident in the world. We chose to live near a school so they can walk or ride their bikes to and from. When we hike, they are the navigators. I am teaching them to be good route finders and careful, competent backcountry explorers. I have taught them a lot and have much more to teach them. I will never teach them to be afraid, especially of their world and the people with whom they share it. Cautious and prepared, but never afraid.
Thank you for acting as voice of reason in a world profiting on fear.
Come out to Colorado and my girls (4 and 1) can teach your son how to move over canyon country, cross a stream, and traverse a canyon. They could certainly use some instruction in navigating a subway system!
[…] that the kids never get any real life experience. Just look at the comments at BoingBoing, on her website, or just about anywhere else – she gets some criticism, but for the most part people are saying […]
Sign me up as a member of this movement. I have a 10 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 year old. My 10 year old (girl) has been begging me to let her go walking by herself. As an 8 year old I would take my 3 year old sister on the bus, into town and to the movies and loved the independence and freedom. I feel that my physical independence gave me a strong sense of self and trust in my own capabilities as well as a very independent way of thinking (even as a child I was never afraid of speaking my mind and not joining the herd). I feel it is a shame that this culture is so overprotective and I got suckered into it (I have been overprotective all these years.)
We went camping in a State Forest not too long ago and guess what the kids said when I asked them what was the best part of the week-end? They answered, “Being able to go exploring by ourselves.”
It made me heartsick that children have so few opportunities to do that these days.
Thank you for speaking up because I will now think about ways that I can give my children some freedom to move and explore in the real world.
I have just asked my children whether they would like to walk to the school playground by themselves (no big roads to cross). They were BEAMING. Excited and nervous too. I gave them a note, a cell phone, they packed juice and snacks and set off. I toyed with the idea of following them or surprising them once they are there but I think it will diminish their experience and so I’ll rather manage my own anxieties.
This is a very good thing to do. It started to drizzle. My daughter called and asked if they should come home. I said: “If you want to, but it’s not as if a little rain is going to kill you. You decide for yourself.”
Thanks for this. I don’t have kids, but most my adult anxiety stems from the fact that my mom was anxiety-ridden and wouldn’t let me do anything independent. I know many parents that drive me nuts with their worries. Sadly, I see it being passed down all over again. Bravo!
I agree! My children and I were laughing at some new playground equipment at a local park. Sand has been replaced with a thick rubber mat, plugs fill in all the links on the swings, and the jungle gym is an unrecognizable giant rounded corner. I have been able to convince my wife to let our 10 year old daughter walk one block to the school bus stop by herself. She and I both lived neat open spaces where we would explore all day long and not come home until dark. Baby steps.
Hi, love the premise. if you get time, I think it would be really helpful to back up your point not just with the occasional statistical tidbit, but with a top 10 or top 5 causes of Death for people under 18, *giving sources*.
I agree completely. Not only is it helpful to have them available when debating, but whether you realize it or not, you’re starting a movement, and the proponents of that movement are going to come in contact with police, doctors, schools, and child protective services, which means, eventually, court involvement. The earlier in the chain real evidence gets involved, the better for all concerned. Here is some preliminary googling!
“The National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS) reported an estimated 1,490 child fatalities in 2004. This translates to a rate of 2.03 children per 100,000 children in the general population. NCANDS defines “child fatality” as the death of a child caused by an injury resulting from abuse or neglect, or where abuse or neglect was a contributing factor.”
I don’t know if Free Range Parenting would count as neglect, or in what jurisdictions that might be true.
http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/fatality.cfm
“Although fatal injuries have declined over the past two decades, unintentional injuries are the leading cause of death for children ages 1–4 and ages 5–14. In addition, non-fatal injuries continue to be important causes of child morbidity and disability and to substantially reduce quality of life.”
http://childstats.gov/americaschildren/phenviro6.asp
“Violence affects the quality of life of young people who experience, witness, or feel threatened by it. In addition to the direct physical harm suffered by young victims of serious violence, such violence can adversely affect victims’ mental health and development and increase the likelihood that they themselves will commit acts of serious violence.”
http://childstats.gov/americaschildren/phenviro5.asp
Children’s deaths are most likely the result of injury suffered in traffic accidents, intentional harm, drowning, falling, fire and poisoning.”
http://www.mindfully.org/Health/2007/US-Death-Rate1may07.htm
Here are some PDFs:
Click to access Unintentional%20Injury%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
Click to access Unintentional_Injuries.pdf
“Deaths from unintentional ingestion of potentially poisonous substances among children under 5 years of age have decreased from a high of 456 in 1959 to a low of 57 in 1981 (1,2). Mortality data, however, underestimate the magnitude and public health impact of the childhood poisoning problem”
http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/00000496.htm
“With the news dramatizing the risks of death posed by Al Qaeda, stranger child abductions, sex offenders, and street crime, this may come as a shock. Our biggest risks of death are not those overblown dramatic ones. No, the residents of the United States of America die mainly from diseases and preventable accidents. The same is true when the focus is specifically children. “
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/223783/death_from_terrorism_and_stranger_abduction.html
I hope these help. You can find many, many more by googling.
Thank you for an open forum! My opinion is that the whole idea depends on quite a few variables, the largest of which is the personality/readiness of the child. Overall, I agree with the movement – I have a three year old and plan on raising him to be self-sufficient. My friend works in HR and has noticed a disturbing trend of college graduates entering the workforce and having their parents negotiate job offers for them. Hopefully, the Free Range kid movement is a step in the direction of creating self-sufficient kids who can take care of themselves in a way these college grads can’t.
I am strongly in favor of free range kids.
I’ve posted a link to the blog at Kitchen Table Math, and will do a longer post later in the week at my primary blog, I Speak of Dreams.
I see the Free Range Kid philosophy as another antidote to helicopter parenting — a style that leaves kids entirely unready for the adult world.
Thank you. I don’t have kids, but I hear from friends of mine how restricted their child’s lives are. They don’t go out to play, the don’t trick or treat alone, they don’t ride their bike to the store for candy. All things I did and I grew up in the 80s.
I hope that when I have kids, when they go out to play, there will be other neighborhood kids whose Mom’s let them out of the house, unsupervised for an entire Saturday.
Thank you.
My first is about to set foot on earth in 3 weeks from now and it will certainly be a free ranger. It is a parents task to prepare your children to cope with life and its dangerous pitfalls. locking it up in a golden cage is not doing that. it is learning it to asses danger and how to act safely on its own that will prepare it for life. I am convinced although not scientifically documented that the rise in suicide nowadays is also a result of not letting our children live their lives “free range”.
I had my fair share of bruises and stitches during my free range time and am not in the least traumatised by it.
This is the first intelligent discourse on this subject I have seen–and pretty thorough. I do feel for Nicole (above) who lives in a dangerous neighborhood. Actually, it’s difficult to generalize about what is dangerous in different neighborhoods for different people. For example, I used to live in a Mexican neighborhood, and as a middle-aged woman, I was safe and even protected by the same groups (gangs) that were threatening to undeclared teenaged hispanic boys. So, one must always be careful not to be too cavalier or to over-generalize.
In general, though, middle-class parents are way too neurotic, and are increasingly insulated in their gated-communities and SUV’s from having the kind of experiences needed to balance the terrifying information presented in the media.
I have two children (7 and 9) and we live in a diverse urban neighborhood (not affluent at all). We have no car and ride public transport and encounter all kids of people on a daily (hourly) basis.
I think it’s good to remember that old adage: it’s dangerous to let your child climb a tree, but more dangerous not to.
People are obsessed with death/ aka the
bottom line.
to live you must risk to some extent…
to be happy you must be free.
to not be totaly paranoid you must have
more than one kid.
to not be a tool you should have kids
before your 30.
sorry 40 year olds. you make lame
parents… IMHO 😛
Thank you for showing the world that us kids need to be independent! I used to live in downtown Kelowna and spent a lot of time walking around the cultural centre with no supervision other than my parents liked to know where I was. I never had reason to ride the bus regularly, but now that I’m fourteen and have moved back to attend school here, I wish I knew. This would give me some more independence from my guardians, who insist I cannot even walk 1 block to the park by myself in broad daylight on a weekend, let alone learn to navigate the bus system and get to my lessons, etc, without needing a ride. It would definitely make life easier for everyone involved, but I have to respect my guardians. And so I wait for the notorious Learner’s Permit.
At least I’m allowed to eat snow.
I grew up in Brooklyn, NY and so did my father. When I was 11 (around 1981) my father and I took the subway into Manhattan together, probably to go to a museum. I remember he was aghast when I said I had never been on the subway alone, and he said that by age 9 (yes that age exactly) he knew his way around by himself on every subway line in the city (this would have been around 1931).
He taught me that I had a responsibility to be able to find my way around for my own safety, but also in order to take advantage of the fantastic opportunities that we were blessed to have access to all over New York City.
I am in full support of Free Range Kids! I grew up in a smallish city and absolutely loved the freedom I had to explore my community. The only way kids will learn to be good citizens is practice. Let’s all stop coddling our children and let them learn!
I am an educator who strongly supports the Free Range Kid idea.
Anyone who has decided to have children must understand that they have agreed to bring those children into a world that has zero – ZERO – guarantees of safety. I watch my “hover mothers/fathers” trying to cushion their kids from all the dangers of life – stranger danger, social drama, bullying, physical and mental exertion – but I can plainly see that the kids who are best equipped to handle the “dangers” (I say challenges) of life are those who are supplied with a good example at home and the freedom to practice their judgment independently.
The trick is not to “ignore/neglect” kids but to give them the freedom they need, and have a right to, as individuals – even as very young individuals. Kudos to those parents who are learning to trust their kids.
PS- Kids who understand independent thinking are much better learners, too. Parents, please, let your kids fight their own battles and find their own paths! They will thank you for trusting them.
I am probably somewhere in the middle ground, but that is only because I do not know some of the adventures my kids took when I wasn’t looking. I’d bite my nails and chew my cuticles off if I knew.
But, hey – for the past eight years I have paid for a monthly metro bus pass for whichever teenager was still at home and traveling from one side of the Portland, OR metro area to the other. My son navigated the buses with his trusty BMX bike strapped on front, and when he arrived where he wanted to go, he then took off on his bike (we hope with his helmet on his head, but we don’t hold any illusions) and went for further adventures. Now it’s my teenage daughter who navigates public transit in the metro area.
The only advice I gave them was this: trust your instincts. And don’t tell mom about your near misses until long after the adrenaline rush is gone. I sleep better not knowing.
Thank you and I have just become a fan!!
I was comapring your nine year old to my own, and I think it all depends on the emotional/mental maturity of the child. I don’t beleive I coddle my sons. I do make them wear helmets (that’s only comon sense) but i also let them explore the neighborhoods and surrounding farmland unsupervised and let them venture with their friends to various restaraunts etc on their own. I think we all worry about the eleven o’clock news and how would we look getting interviewed but in the end they have to be free. That sense of independence and empowerment is irreplaceable and goes a long way when they get older
I just wanted to say thank you for speaking out against the North American “safe-child” mindset. Visiting the playgrounds I used to frequent as a child (which are now desolate, sandy wastelands) has shown me just how far this mentality has gone. We’ve become so opposed to allowing our children to get hurt (and to learn from getting hurt), that we’re sacrificing the quality of their play. It’s time we start examining these fears.
I’m appalled that this trend has gone on as long as it has, and hope that your article, and this website is the beginning of the pendulum swing.
In the U.S., you have CPS. In Canada, it’s known as the Children’s Aid Society or CAS. We’ve had them involved with our family for the last few years. They just closed our file last year. We feel like we’re living under a microscope. Our daughter is 10 years old. We’d let her walk a block to the store, but we’re afraid to because of CAS. Our caseworker was very unimpressed with us letting her walk a block to school. What do you suggest?
We are being brainwashed by the media to believe that the bogeyman is behind every bush, waiting to jump out and abduct, assault and murder us or our children. People who are fearful are easier to control, and less likely to question what the state is doing. People who watch the news are less likely to get out and know their neighbors, because they might be scary, different people who will abduct their children.
Our children are 14 and 16. Our daughter wanted to take voice lessons, and so we got her a bus pass and she rode the bus home from downtown Saint Paul, because we couldn’t drive her there and back. My children have had house keys since age 8, rode the school bus home and let themselves into the house. They also cook dinner on a weekly basis. Sometimes our son complains that he was a latch-key child and has to cook dinner, but I think that secretly he is proud of his skills.
I think it boils down to the confidence the child has in her/his abilities. Your child believed that he could find his way home on the subway by himself, and he did. If he didn’t feel confident about this skill set, he probably wouldn’t have asked to do this task. We start by teaching our children to walk by holding onto us. They gradually walk on their own.
I think the answer is to, at first, have them go with a friend. There is safety in numbers. This is what we did when our oldest was 14 and wanted to go to the mall. Now she doesn’t want to learn to drive, but is willing to take the city bus all over.
I think people should begin to understand that every kid is different and so is the context in which different kids grow up. You have obviously been teaching your child how to behave responsibly and independently since he was young. You probably talk to him about the pros and cons of being independent in the city. And you LIVE in New York City and probably have been with him on the subway thousands of times. It is familiar terrain to him and you. So, I say, he is probably ready to take the subway by himself, especially if he was the one who asked to be able to do it. You can be pretty certain he won’t freak out and will act responsibly.
I live in a small town and allow my kids a certain range of freedom, which they are comfortable with. They have only been on the subway about 5 times and don’t know New York, so it would be inappropriate for me to allow them to ride the subway alone. And there are probably things that my kids can do on their own, in their environment, that you would not want your son to do, say -if he came to visit.
I think that everyone should stop looking for proof that their way of parenting is the best one…and just let every family adapt to what works best for them and their child. The main rule about parenting is that every child is different, as is every parent. So everyone should just find their own comfort zone and stop judging others by what they do. We probably do not know enough about their context, background and children to be making those judgments or choices for them.
So Fabulous to see this sit, when I first heard about your story it set off a flurry of debate in my office. Some for some against. I am not yet a mother but will be within the next few years and can’t imagine not giving my kids the upbringing I had, I barly remember having supervision as a child, my sister and I rode our bikes for miles with no phones no checking in with the parents, just as long as we were back by dark, my husband who grew up in a rather rough neighborhood and was just as free, and we both grew up as perfectly normal functioning adults.
It’s just great to hear about this.
When I was a kid we used to go out and play in the farmer’s fields (in rural Wales). Later as more housing developments moved in we used to dodge the night watchman and play on the construction site.
Good times had: lots, Injuries: 0
I’ve got a 6 year old right now and I’m just waiting for her to convince me that she’ll actually look before crossing the road. For comparative statistics there were some heinous child molesters and serial killers in the 60’s and 70’s (when I grew up) and it’s just the same now. Not worse, not better.
Keep up the great work on the website.
The ones saying “free range kids” is evil clamour that kids need more supervision. Yet so many kids are harmed even with the supervision. The ones that drowned? My condolences, but in my experience, it was rarely the ones who lived near water that drowned. Those kids had usually been allowed to play around it without supervision on a regular basis, and understood the dangers. The ones who drowned when I was younger (there were several) were the ones who lived wrapped up in cotton wool, unable to see real dangers for what they were. They were the visitors, the ones who had never learned to spot danger for themselves, instead always depending on someone else to do it for them.
Kids learn from experience. If you don’t let them have the experience, they aren’t going to learn. Yes, supervision is necessary initially. But at some point the kids have to learn to just deal with it. A kid that has learned how to spot danger for themselves is MUCH safer than the kid that has always had someone hovering over them, telling them to do this or that, but never actually telling them why.
I was a scout master many years ago. Those kids taught me many things about just how independent children really can be, if they are simply allowed to BE independent.
As for me? Injuries: 8. Lessons: too many to count.
Wow! What a cool term! I guess I’m free range all the way baby. Titles are so funny and everchanging aren’t they!
Although, I would never let them take the Bombay train downtown by themselves. There are other more “free rangey” things I let my four and five year old do.
Way to go Lenore!
Ann
Fantastic! We are about to have our first child and one of the things we love about living in asia is that this still happens here. I’m glad to hear of a revival in the states, should we ever return, our child will hopefully have enough independence and critical thinking skills to get home and make good choices. freak things do happen, and some things we can and should prevent, but not at the cost of life experience and freedom.
I think a lot of people mistake paranoia for savvy…we like to think that bad things happen to certain people and not others for handy capsule-sized reasons, and that we can be safe by hording and avoiding all the reasons we can think of that a bad thing would ever happen. We like to believe in only good outcomes and bad outcomes, not risk/benefit balancing acts. Maybe I can keep my son from ever needing three stitches by never letting him out on his own, but what if in doing so I set him up to have no self control or sense of unstructured enjoyment? How can a person ever develop a sense of self at all without a chance to discover those things?
I believe as well that we go too far in justifying our own prejudices with the knee-jerk notion that it might somehow harm a child.
I don’t believe in throwing a child (or anyone for that matter) into the deep end without so much as a well-wish, but I believe (and have seen) that any child can clue you in when they’re ready for a new challenge in action or thought.
What surprises me is how much media this attracted, and how truly paranoid so many of us Americans have become. But, i grew up in East New York Brooklyn in the sixties during the race riots at twelve and never had a problem, and my children grew up in Stapleton, Staten Island, and they were taking public transportation in the third grade.
Children who are allowed the privilege to discover the world around them with their parent’s encouragement learn best how to live in their world. The world wasn’t any safer when i grew up or when my children did, just the media has, and they draw a profit every time people tune in out of fear of that big dangerous world out there.
Your child is, and will always be, the only person to show you they can survive in this world without being placed in a plastic bubble, watched and monitored like they’re in critical condition on life support. Talk to your child and ask them what they want to do, and then show them how they can do it on their own.
And then let them do it, and watch them grow smarter and stronger.
The Onion had an “article” in 1996 about an effort to make the earth kid safe.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30359
The plan included filling the Grand Canyon with plastic playroom balls, and preventing tigers from growing past the cub stage.
Feel free to use the tip for a blog post. I am not sure how many people will ever read this many comments.
We are who we are taught to be, Bravo to you and other parents who recognize the importance of teaching self reliance and appropriate decision making.
Thank God a voice of reason has risen above the Alpha/Gap/Whatever Moms. These people were the biggest shock of parenthood for me.
I grew up in rural Georgia and I played in woods where hunters hunted, moon-shiners protected their stills, water moccasins swam in creeks, and the occasional bull got loose from the adjacent fields. Through it all I survived. And have a treasure trove of self confidence to show for it.
Now the lady next door to me won’t let her elementary schooler walk 100 yards to the bus stop by himself so I look like a ‘bad’ mom if I send mine out alone.
My son is a Boy Scout. thank God.
Yeah, yeah, there are some who claim scouting is evil because allegedly the main scouting organization doesn’t let gays participate but in reality, any parent in scouting will tell you that largely that policy is ignored at the local level. It’s a topic that just doesn’t come up in the typical Boy Scout troop.
The reason I think thank God is because on scouting trips my son can do all the things that he would be able to learn in school. Worse, he would face expulsion from his school for using or teaching other students about.
In scouts, he is encouraged to learn and teach others about the use of fire, knives, and axes. He’s also learned how to use common sense orienteering skills to find his way out of being lost. He’s learned to cook on a propane stove.
But, heaven help him if he ever accidentally leaves his scouting pocket knife in his pocket on a school day. He’ll be expelled and I’d be facing CPS in a heartbeat.
To me, scouting is as close as we in America get to “Free Range Schooling”. it’s a shame that our schools are set up to unlearn everything they learn about self-sufficiency in scouts.
#
Sibling, on April 9th, 2008 at 6:56 pm Said:
When I was very young my two brothers along with three other boys fell through the ice on a small pond and drowned. If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive. There are still old timers around today that remember this horrible event.
You are giving dangerous advice and gambling with your childs life.
Sibling – this is exactly why I support this. It’s your parents fault for not giving them the rules – that’s what we parents do. But we cannot be there at all times to make sure they follow it. We won’t always be able to make sure they’re safe. And they need to know this and learn for themselves so that as adults, they know when not to go on the ice. AND that if the ice is safe, they can go on it, because a world covered in foam is only a little fun.
The problem with the logic of “we all survived and are here to talk about it” is that all of the dead children are NOT here to talk about it. One cigarette smoker lives to 100 and everyone points and says “look, she made it and is here to talk about it” while ignoring the thousands dead that can not speak.
When I was living in Japan everyone on the street let their kids go to the park alone. My daughters were 3 and 5 at the time and just ran off with the other kids. I followed ducking behind cars so they couldn’t see me and watched from a distance. They were all fine. After a week of spying I finally relaxed enough to enjoy the time that they were at the park. My brother grew up in Germany in the 60’s and 3 yrs old was the official age when a child was old enough to go to the corner bakery in the morning to pick up the bread. Today, 3 yrs old is still thought of as infancy! Many people still have a 3 yr old in a highchair, diapers and they have never drank out of a cup before- all they know are ‘sippy-cups.’ This world is beyond absurd.
I know of another story where a family traveled to south east asia with a 2 yr old still in a stroller- all the local people thought the child had stumbled across a land mine. When the child got up and walked around they were amazed- but confused. Why would a healthy child need a wheelchair??? Good question!
When I was in the Philippines 2 year olds ran on rice field ledges one foot wide with up to a 2 story drop off on the other side. I was in my 20’s and walked nervously along the edge while they ran past me. I asked a local if a child had ever fallen off and they laughed and laughed. They said the only people who ever got hurt were tourists because they weren’t used to it. This is the exact proof that the old wise one said about fear- ‘we have nothing to fear but fear itself.’ The fear IS the danger- not the subway, the tree, the neighbor. it’s only the fear.
I’m all for data too.
And accidents HAPPEN. That’s why they’re called “accidents.” Kids die in car crashes, kids get meningitis, etc. My children are beyond precious to me.
That’s why I pay a premium to live in a statistically safe place, and then give them free run. The eldest rides her bike and the bus all over town. The second youngest walks to piano lessons and then meets me at a park afterwards. The youngest two play out front with me inside. They cook using the stove and sharp knives.
Part of it is temperment — these aren’t compliant kids, but part of it is me encouraging it. With four children, I’d spend my entire life hovering.
At a park last week — a safe, neighborhood park — the park after school employee walked my nephew and son to more and my sister, and said “You should watch them more closely! One got hurt!” The injury? A skinned knee. These kids were less than 100 yards away from us, in a playground away from the swing. We actually could see them, but weren’t eyeballs on them at all times. Sheesh.
We thanked her for the bandaid she’d provided the injured child and then let them run off again. If it happens again, I may tell her that I made a vow to not interfere up to and including broken arms.
All that said? I watch them like a hawk around water. Children die in water a LOT — it’s the fourth leading cause of death according to some websites I looked at — and it’s preventable by attention. So we do good swim lessons and watch carefully, but even then I watch less after 8 or so. And by that I mean check-ins, not eyeballs on at all times. But the almost-3 year old? I don’t rely on lifeguards to watch her.
When my kids are 16, they’ll take an excellent, fight-based assault prevention course that my sister and myself have done. But that’s thankfully a few years away.
And common-sense things like car seats and bike helmets, sure. . . but sheesh, common sense and an awareness of real statistical thinking would relax so many people. It’s sad that our cultural anxiety is worked out on the bodies of our kids. I fear for those over-parented kids becoming adults with zero coping skills. My goal as a parent is NOT to raise a young adult who has to call me for every decision. It’s one of the reasons, amusingly enough, that we chose to homeschool — so our kids COULD range around without the freaking regimentation and fear-based approach of our local schools.
To Sibling,
I am genuinely sorry for your loss.
But of course no one here is advocating that children be left to their defenses. Of course, it is proper and right for our children to have basic skills, like swimming or ice safety, or how to use tools like knives, axes, cooking appliances, and yes, guns, safely, which is why I’m a big fan of scouting (see my prior post).
Proper supervision might have saved your siblings, yes. It also might not have saved them if the imagined adult in charge did not know what to do at the time of the accident.
What might have saved them is proper training for the situation. For example, they might have learned to lie down prone if you feel the ice start to give way. That distributes the weight and you may be able to crawl off the ice. If they knew that, then regardless of whether or not the adult was there, they might have been able to escape the situation intact.
Similarly, as Lenore mentions in her initial post, she did not send out her child without some basic information, i.e. trainig, for her excursion in the New York subways. It’s not as if her child was from a rural town in Iowa. This is a child raised from a young age to know his way around.
It is sad to lose your siblings but it would be sadder still if they had never experienced the joys of skating along with the risks. The sad thing here isn’t the lack of a hovering parent, but the lack of training and a bigger tragedy which has turned an accident into an occasion to point fingers at others rather than to learn from the experience and train others to avoid it.
I really think that the biggest enemy of “Free Rangeness” is affluence. Much of the world takes death as a part of life. Even the death of children. In nature, the death of the young happens all the time.
I’m a parent. I’m horrified at the idea of losing my children.
But we in the affluent and litigious-prone west have this twisted belief that every death is the result of someone else’s failing. It can’t just be an accident that a child dies, it must be the doctor’s fault, or a parent’s, or a teacher’s, or Lenore Skenazy because of that article in the Sun. Death or injury is an insult that cannot stand.
Let’s face it, sometimes accidents or human failings happen. That’s a fact that our children need to be trained to understand and embrace. Instead, in our world, we try to pretend that life should be perfect – that doctors, teachers, and parents should be perfect. That any slipup or mistake should be punished and never happen again. We have one lawyer for every 265 Americans in this country to make sure of that (citing WikiAnswers, if you must know…)
Perfection is the enemy of good. Trying to legislate perfection, criminalizing accidents is a recipe for creating an entire society that is afraid to do anything, afraid to create anything, learns nothing, and then accomplishes nothing.
Every time we treat an accident as an occasion for someone to be sued or punished, we teach our children that there are no accidents, no occasions to learn from our mistakes.
I’m sorry for your loss. But I pray that you look at their death in another light. They died doing something that they loved to do, which is maybe not a bad way to go. Their pain was real and horrible, but probably didn’t last long. Had they lived, they might have died instead of Alzheimer’s or cancer or some other way that would have slowly robbed them of the quality of that life or had them in pain for weeks at a time.
Anyway Sibling. I wish you peace.
FOR! Parenting is, in large part, about helping your kids to manage risks – not about sheltering them from risk altogether. Well done for bringing this issue into the open: free-range parenting is, sadly, a real taboo.
So nice to see and read a bit of sensibility, in a nation infected with hysteria. I was born in 1964 – like all my friends, we were “Free Range Kids.” We stayed outside and played from dawn to dusk, without (gasp) parental supervision of any sort, beyond our parents needing to know the general area we would be playing. I walked home from Elementary School (4th-6th grade) with friends on more than a few occasions when I missed the bus, and my school was a mile from my parents’ house. It was NO big deal. We rode our bikes where we liked, walked to the mall (3 miles from home), and grew.
Were there predators? Of course! Many more than there are now, though people like to fool themselves and pretend that there was ever such a thing as “the good old days.” In those good old days, it wasn’t even reported if a man exposed himself to an adolescent, let alone laid hands on them. The cops didn’t care (I know from experience, having even given over license numbers of strangers doing it to me). Molesters had free rein, because nobody wanted to believe that it happened in their city, town, neighborhood, street, own home. WE have the distinct advantage of being informed. We inform our children as well…but the downside of that inevitably is that what is seen cannot be unseen. We KNOW what’s out there, and that it occurs with more frequency than anyone previously believed. This does not mean every person is a monster, so people need to pull their heads out of their butts and start thinking again. You can’t bubble-wrap kids, and protect them. You hurt them in the long run – creating little selfish, socially retarded idiots who think the whole world owes them safety and comfort and a series of gold stars just for learning how to stand upright. Non-competitors in a competitive world. Guess who comes in last?
Arm your kids with knowledge and what to do in potentially bad situations, and for the love of the Gods do NOT teach them that they HAVE to do what any adult says, just because that person is older. Respect needs to be earned, regardless of uniform or age. Life is a gamble and a game. Winners are those who learn the rules quickly, and how to work those rules to their advantage. There will never be a time when no child falls victim to those who would exploit or abuse. There will always be predators…so teach your children how not to be prey, count your blessings, and always remember that they must learn how to survive in the real world. Holding back reality and protecting them too much in a strange game of ‘let’s pretend the world is perfect’ will not help them at all, ever.
I’m very thankful I was a Free-Range Child. Every experience, good, bad or indifferent, taught me how to be a functioning, contributing adult.
Your free-range position interests me, as I was raised as a free-range kid in the 70’s. However, as I new mom, I’ve totally bought into the culture of parental fear. There’s no legitimate reason why I’m so fearful, but the fear exists nevertheless. I worry that my twin boys aren’t sleeping enough or eating enough. I worry about pesticides on fruit, bisphenol-A, and lead on toys. I’m scared they’ll get sun damage or get snatched from their car seats while I’m pumping gas or returning my shopping cart. I could go on.. I have a number of fears.
Hopefully, by the time my boys care, I will have conquered my fear.
Wow, what great comments!
I too am a free range mom. I love that this is a movement! My 7 1/2 dd walks to school and home each day. Many moms in the neighborhood commented on me letting her do this. I told them I’m not an overprotective parent and trust her to go straight to school. She walks with other kids, and has a crossing guard at the corner to cross the street. She is very responsible and has even called me from school when the crossing guard wasn’t there.
The good news is that many other parents are letting their children walk to school as well!
Keep up the good work!
Child Molesters nationwide thank you.
I just remembered something I would love to let my kids do, but I know will never be possible.
When I was a sophomore in high school (15 years old), we went on a school trip to France during Spring Break. We spent 3 days in the Loire Valley, and the rest of the time in Paris. The only scheduled event we had in Paris was dinner. The rest was free time. They showed us the first day how the Metro map worked, gave us the word for a 10-pack of tickets, and sent us off. We gravitated to small groups of 5-6 people and wandered. For days. In Paris. Some went shopping, some went to museums, some explored the student quarter, and some bought tickets to chamber music ensembles.
After the very sad case of Natalee Holloway, can kids go on trips like this any more?
What I find very sad is that a discussion is necessary for all this. What in the world are we doing to our children.
When my husband was growing up his mother would regularly lock the kids out of the house in the summer when she was trying to get things done. Granted this was in the country, but I lived in the Los Angeles suburbs and my friends and I were always out and about on our bikes, horses or whatever with no parental supervision. We were given rules & knew to follow them. We were even allowed to swim in the ocean as long as there was more than 1 of us. This was the 1960’s, but that did not mean there were not predators. I can remember being taught at a very early age not to talk to strangers, and that if my mother was late picking me up, under no circumstances should I go with anyone who might say they were sent to pick me up, unless it was a very close family friend.
My son is soon to be 14, and has been a “free range” kid for most of his life. Without the challenge of being able to do things on his own, I don’t see how he can fully develop a sense of responsibility or accomplishment.
if i didn’t want to be with my children i shouldn’t have had them. this site is full of lazy parents who don’t want to raise their kids. while your kids are out all day until dark, you get to get that last nap or soap opera in, huh. poor kids. as long as they’re out of your hair. you bet. they’ll have fond memories of their family time when they’re grown, won’t they. it’s your kids who come to my house during snack time and ask for something to eat. and then tell me that their mother is sleeping. i was one of the freerange, and i knew it was because the adults wanted us out of their hair.
My husband will be thrilled to see and read this site. He will be even more thrilled that I am reading the ideas here!
I have three boys. They are 5, 7 and 10 years old. I tend to “hover” and make too many fear based decisions regarding their activities. As they get older, it is clear that this sort of “parenting style” is not good for them and it’s not good for my relationship with them.
I have recently decided to let my 7 and 10 year old ride their bikes to school (1/2 mile – sidewalk the entire way – many parents – crossing guard) and was concerned that it wasn’t the right thing to do. After reading this I realize, I worry entirely too much and I am teaching them to live the same way.
Thank you for reminding moms who are trying to give their children the best that we need to lighten up a little…and give our kids some space to grow.
Here Here! I laugh when I take the kids to the park/playground at the parents who hover after their kids, oh no, they might fall!
Believe it or not we don’t live in the world of CSI and Law & Order, serial killers and child abductors are not a dime a dozen. I am guilt of some of this when I ponder my 11 year old nephew riding a few miles away from home to the bike park, but it’s not because of abductors, it’s usually because of the likelihood of delinquent behavior.
I can hardly wait until my son gets old enough to walk himself to school, and even walk his little brother end evntually little sister. My biggest concern is traffic on the busy roads, not kidnappers or pedophiles.
Free ranging your child makes for a more well-adjusted and secure child. My child was driving golf carts at 3 (speed ajusted, with pedal extensions) he could drive by nine and at 16 scored a 100% on the driving part of his drivers test… which had never happened at the local office in our community. He road the bus system, swam in lakes, learned to shoot, and to understand different people he met on the street. I worry, as I have always worry, but I know those experiences and the ones he still has make him stronger. In fact, I know at the end of the day, its those experiences and lessons that will make the difference as he competes in the world for a job with the sheltered kids. That edge in confidence and self-worth obtained by being “free range” may make all the difference in the world.
I also remember roaming the streets of Queens New York and the earliest childhood memories I have is playing in the streets of Seoul in S.Korea. I must have been three or four…I turned out fine so did everyone else who were born preMTV
I feel sorry for the kids today.
We live in “burbs” and created a bubble with streets that go no where and with out side-walks or cross walks to walk on, only the giant parking lots with mega malls with anti-bacterial hand wipes and lotions to guard against every imaginable germs and blame other kids if they catch a cold…(kids get sick 12-15 times a year, someone actually did a study, which is about every 3, 4 weeks). I take my three year old girl to the playground by CAR! it’s in the commuter parking lot behind the highway!!! and when I get there there are equal number of parents watching over the kids in between ballet school and piano lessons and soccer practices and take out foods for dinner.
I remember the smell of dirt and sweat after a long day.
I remember I was free to roam and explore the world, and sometimes I got lost but I managed to get back for dinner.
I remember the dirty finger nails and how easy it was to make new friends and we played in the dirt and rocks, we ran, we played tags and we climb over trees, boulders, mountains and at the summit we would let the cool breeze wipe our sweat off our faces.
And I remember that musky smell of hot July sun and how cool the breeze was and felt how fun it was and thought what a day!
But now I look at my daughter and I feel sad. She only knows of daycare and playground and mall. And when she starts school she will be on pianos, ballets, soccer, swimming, and what ever is in FAB for mothers taste.
I on the other hand will try to take her fishing and camping much as I can.
May be move to inner city which is more inline with my taste and let her roam the streets but that would make me irresponsible, right? and if I did let her out who would she play with…
I must say I am a bit on the fence about free range children. I recently found myself in the position of having to give my 11 yr old freedom I was not ready to give. With a shortage of school bus drivers in our city, my child’s school implemented a rule that the Junior High students had to ride city transit. My son was entering Junior Hight (middle school), gr. 7. I must say I was mortified, but what could I do? Someone else was making the decision for me. We are now nearing the end of his grade 7 year, and everything seems to be going well. Now he is pushing me to allow him to care for my 7 year old stubborn, younger son, his brother, over Summer school break. It isn’t that I don’t trust my now 12 year old, I am just not sure about trusting my 7 year old. I do however agree, that you can be too overprotective these days…
I live in a neighborhood that most of the fearful parents above would be traumatized to let their children roam… and they’d be entirely wrong. My house is in an older, low-income neighborhood, primarily minority, mostly extended families, most adults holding 2 or even 3 low-wage jobs. The kids are pretty much on their own. (My neighborhood changed around me when a local mobile home park was declared urban blight and empty houses in my neighborhood were bought by the local housing authority to house those displaced. That caused some “flight”, though my partner and I chose to stay; the other houses were purchased as well.) For the past seven years, I’ve watched these kids — they look out for each other, and the only time I’ve seen violence between them was when an (wealthy, privileged) interloper came in to cause a problem. I have a very small friend (3 years old) who comes and talks to me on my back porch — no parent in sight. I’ve also talked to some of the local teachers who teach these kids and they’re very impressed with the kids’ academic and social performance — most of them had low expectations for the kids coming into their school. The High School district in which I live serves my neighborhood, several other so called marginal ones, and three wealthy tracts. For the last three years, student council prez, valedictorian and salutatorian all came from my neighborhood. My neighborhood does not seem to have a drug problem, the cops rarely visit, and I know of no thefts, break-ins, burglaries or property crimes. I walk my neighborhood streets at midnight because it’s cooler in summer then and have never felt anything but safety.
I believe the independence the kids in my neighborhood grow up with — along with strong family ties and a work ethic bred in bone — is the key to their success. I’m going to be happy to raise a child here, and she’ll ride her trike, play with the other kids, be happily more bilingual than her parents, walk to school with her friends and to the corner store. She’ll have more interesting things to do with her life than have her mom hanging over her.
I was a free range kid. Sadly, my daughter cannot be. We adopted her from the foster care system. Because of her background, she holds eye contact too long with strange men, will talk to any stranger and hardly ever looks when crossing busy streets. I would be a fool to let her go around unattended. Can she when she’s older? I sure hope so, but I will be damn sure she’s ready.
With my dear daughter, my wife and I are already practicing what this smart woman is suggesting. A long, long time ago I started my blog, lil’screamie with a half-serious and not very well written post about “protecting your baby from the dangers of sharp edges”, (oh, gee, that’s a good idea) and a host of other things that struck me as absurd fear-mongering to sell products – It bothered me then, and it still bugs the crap out of me. I think it’s our responsibility as parents to let our kids get dirty, make mistakes, experience the consequences of making a bad choice, and to learn from that experience. I really want my girl to have the self-confidence and strength that engenders. I personally can’t wait ’til she’s old enough to run down the block to the deli to pick up some half n’ half for daddy’s coffee. In the country, I try to take her outside as much as possible and really let her run free, And even occasionally leave her alone (never out of sight, just out of her view) to see what she does, and see how she’s doing. She almost never notices that I’m not hovering behind her, and she just plays. How simple is that? This weekend, she found herself a pile of leaves – a deep pile of leaves, up to her waist, she waded in sat down, and buried herself in them. Wet and dirty and cold? You bet. But she had fun, and I didn’t worry – when she’s not so sure about something, Dear Alex will give out a little cry for “daddy”, and I’ll always be there for her, but I won’t micro-manage. Sure, the notion of independence is more appropriate for slightly older kids, and at parents letting kids be kids – an appropriate sort of backlash, I think, to a culture that’s gone waaay over the top in protecting our kids from harm and germs and failure and, well, life.
I’m all for lightening up, and it’s never too early to start teaching a toddler the skills they need to separate what’s safe from what’s dangerous, what can really hurt them from what’s unreasonable fear, and how to tell the difference.
I was raised pretty much free range. I remember walking at least 1/2 mile to 2nd grade in Berkley, CA in 1968 or 69. I don’t think anybody thought anything of it. I had a bike and we rode all over the place.
I also had a neighbor kid seriously hurt in an accident around that time–we were taking turns going down a driveway lying on a skateboard and zooming out into the street. A taxi came around the corner way too fast and ran over the kid–he lived but was hurt pretty bad. Could have been any of us. Looking back it was definitely a failure of supervision in that case. But it was also a freak accident–our street was not normally busy. But I don’t think that incident really changed the behavior of any of the parents, at least not that I can remember.
We then moved to a small town in Idaho and could go anywhere I wanted at pretty much any time. The only thing that slowed us down was snow we could bike through. Thinking about it now, I’d saw that little town is much more dangerous today because of Meth, a scourge on rural areas that was nothing we had to contend with. But it’s still not that dangerous….
I’m now the father, at 46, of an adopted 4-year-old. We work hard to foster as much independence in her as we can (and she is a naturally independent and capable child). But at the same time I get very paranoid, for no good reason. We took a trip to NYC last year and I had nightmares about losing her in a crowd. As it happened I ended up carrying her in the sling almost everywhere–not out of fear but convenience. But at the same time I’ve spent enough time in NYC to know that a capable kid can easily and safely navigate the streets and subways almost anywhere.
But I also ask why are we as modern parents so much more obsessed with our children’s safety? A large part has to be the media focus on rare but hideous crimes and accidents, and the general climate of fear that our society seems to have wound itself up into.
But I think it must also be a side effect of wealth. My parents were quite young by today’s standards and working pretty hard most of the time, as well as being naturally a bit more focused on themselves than on their children.
By contrast, I had 20 years as a DINK to do what I wanted and made a considered decision to start a family. We’re wealthy enough that we can both devote whatever time we choose to our child (a lot) and do things like drive places that 40 years ago we might not have even had the car to drive to.
Being concerned about your kids and worrying about them when they’re out of your sight has to be a constant for parents over the course of history. The question, it seems to me, might come down to “how much time and energy can I afford to spend acting on that paranoia?” My parents didn’t have the luxury. I do and I know I’m fairly representative of older, more affluent parents generally.
So I find it something of a struggle to let my daughter be as free as she reasonably can be. I have to remind myself that danger is a part of life, that we learn by doing, that she has a right to fail on her own. I have the luxury of living in the center of a city where my daughter will be able, in a few years, to reasonably safely bike to the park or the swimming pool or the museum or take the bus or even walk.
I’m also almost embarrassed to be reminded that the picture on my family blog at the time I’m writing this is of my daughter kitted out in full pads and helmet to go roller skating. It’s saving her a few skinned knees, but I’m not sure it’s actually helping her be a better or safer skater because the early penalty for falling is much lower. But I can only imagine what people would say if we didn’t insist she wear the gear. Hmmm.
Yes! I’m a college student and it’s pretty pathetic the way some people don’t know how to do things themselves. 20 year olds! I don’t have kids- and maybe it’s different when you do- but this is a great blog.
The Daily Mail article from last summer about the gradual confinement of one family’s children over 4 generations really opened my eyes and I vowed that this would be the year I started letting my son (just turned seven) more unsupervised outdoor time. He had been confined to a fenced in 1/4 acre even though we own almost 5 (mostly overgrown woods/swamp), and the kids in the neighborhood went to each others’ houses by appointment. Step 1 is easier access to nearby friends. We live on a busy street and don’t have a front yard or sidewalk, so just getting next door required adult help. I made a path through the woods that connects three houses. Within minutes of fishing it, there were 3 kids playing in the woods and within 30 minutes there were 5 kids in our yard having a ball.
Next step is to build a bridge so the kids can cross a water obstacle and gain access to the rest of our property. While scouting locations for the bridge, my son looked down and said, “Uh oh,” and showed me his hand – it had some dirt on it. I felt guilty because I had raised a kid who thought getting dirty meant something bad had happened. But then, ten minutes later he got muddy swamp water in his boot (so did I) and was laughing about as we squish-squished back to the house to change socks.
To the people who have a sad, terrible story about the loss of a child or young friend – I’m sorry that happened to you. Tragic stories make the news because they’re tragic and RARE – not because they are common. And it’s not always a lack of supervision – sometimes bad things happen when a parent is right there. My son has a friend who ended up with a badly broken leg when he was run over in a parking lot while holding his mother’s hand!
Maturity, independence, self confidence, and common sense do not arrive auto-magically at the age of eighteen. They are built slowly over time as a person is given more and more freedom and responsibility and learns that they can function in the world. You have to learn how to be an adult. And it starts with walking to school (which my son’s school doesn’t allow even though we are 150 yards from school property), riding the subway by yourself, or getting yourself to a friend’s house, or biking into town.
I really hope that you don’t think that this is something new. I am 58 years old and grew up in Seattle Wa. From the time I was in kindergarden I walked to school every day, it was about a half mile, by my self because I didn’t want my parents walking with me. We all did it then yes are parents were worried about us but they also knew that we had to grow up sooner or later.
When our son was about 3 or 4, he is 28 now, he wanted to take his big wheel to the street behind our house to ride with his friends. My first reaction was NO but I then relented and let him go as he only had to go around the block. Yes I watched him from the house but you have to let go sometime and let them find out for themselves that there is gravity.
When he was in elementry school he got himself dressed and off to the bus alone. And later he waked or biked to school when he was about 10 years old.
For all those parents who are so worried about what might happen, as we all are, and won’t let their children grow up and experence life what are you going to do when they get cars and leave for college.
My son is married and a father himself but that doesn’t mean I don’t still worry. But it is all part of life and living life is good.
I’m 26 years old, and grew up with an extremely protective mother who convinced me (unintentionally, unknowingly) that eventually I would be abducted by someone, and most likely, killed. My parents were divorced and my father has always been a policeman, and for a long time, was a detective.
My mother primarily reads true crime novels, watches made for tv movies about horrible crimes, and tells me that I am unrealistic and out of touch with the “real world” and finds my fairly tame married life as a lawyer dangerous and wild.
It took me YEARS (and therapy) to overcome the fear that she unintentionally instilled in me. I am still afraid of the dark, of dogs, of strange men, I live in a gated community, and I am always looking over my shoulder- but I think I am getting to the point where I walk the line between safe/smart and paranoid.
I’m willing to travel across the country on my own now, I’ve gone to other countries, seen more of the world, tried lots of new things, gone skydiving, kayaking, scuba diving, parasailing, and lots of things that I never thought I’d be brave enough to do. But it takes a lot to overcome the kind of fear that a parent can instill in a child.
I don’t have children yet, but my husband and I are all for the free-range idea.
My god some of these women’s clingy relationship with there children is horrifying emotional abuse that is as damaging as ANY other abuse parents can inflict on their children
Bravo, Lenore, for deciding enough is enough. What kind of country have we become? This is America the Great? How can it be, when we cower in fear every time our children go outside, terrified they could be snatched or fall into a ditch never to be found again? Bullpucky. Overprotective parenting has perpetuated this fear, and is passing it along to our children.
I’m all for letting children learn independence and responsibility from an early age, and letting them have fun outside, away from video games and text chats. And–without Mom or Dad hovering inches away, scanning the perimeter for threats, armed to the teeth with Bactine and pepper spray.
To the Anonymous who wrote on April 14 that all these parents are “Lazy”.
I believe that YOU are the lazy one as you are abdicating your responsibility as a parent to teach your kids how to think for themselves, assess situations, rationalize, judge and make informed responsible decisions.
Or do you just plan on holding their hands for their entire lives ??
I’m glad I’ll be gone from this earth when these kids (who will grow up – for lack of a better word – having no commen sense life skills) have their own kids – what the heck will that generation do? I guess by then machines will do all the thinking for us and humankind will become relatively catatonic.
Sci-fi or future reality…..?
we can bitch and moan about how to raise our children, what to eat, where to go but the fact is that they’ll all turn out fine and even with all those disfunctionalities. When our generation are long gone next generation will do fine, they’ll manage, adapt and make it better. I know everybody say “the good all time” but I know we have it better than 30, 50 years ago, average life span is longer, quality of life is better, death rate is less world wide. I know I have it better than my parents and no doubt my child will have it batter.
We just have to teach them to be a better person and DO the right thing not just tell them but DO the right thing.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re free range or not.
Way to go! I’m a scout leader and have worked with many thousands of high school students through national leadership conferences. The best students have been those who had the maximum freedom, maximum responsibility, and true accountability placed upon them from their parents/family members.
Hallelujah!! I no longer feel like a fish swimming upstream1 I have lobbied for 2 years (and lost with husband) to allow our son to go to see a movie at the cinema with friends without grownups. May be your column/web site will influence him to loosen his grip.
In the meantime, we made progress on the “autonomy/free range” front this week. I have purchased a bus-pass so that our now 13 year old son will take the bus from his school to our local library–A MILE AWAY-God forbid–ALONE. This way he can change his environment for doing his homework (tired of him being at home to do it with all of the distractions!)
I am so ready to be a part of this cultural shift–back to freedom from being held hostage by FEAR!!!!. We can create those “good ole days”–a little bit at a time. I am commited to doing my part.
A MOM WHO STANDS FOR FREEDOM
My son grew up fishing mostly alone on canals near the Intracoastal Waterway in So. FL. He and his friends drove their bikes off makeshift ramps into the water, constructed rafts to sail to Cuba (rarely floated past docks) and navigated an old Jon boat at an age when most parents would not let their kids ride bikes alone.
As a young adult he is an avid traveller and has friends around the globe.
Did/do I fear for his safety? Absolutely! Will my fears interfere with his explorations and growth? Hope not.
Courage can be gifted– Lenore, I hope your website, words and deeds are accepted as such.
Yasher Koach from Monroe
Judy R.
I am definitely in the FOR camp. I raised one daughter to adulthood as a ‘freerange’ kid. I was a single working mom. She rode the school bus home in the afternoon and let herself in with her own key. She needed to call me at work by a certain time to let me know she was home. She did exceedingly well. The only panic time being when the bus was involved in an accident and I did not get the normal phone call. This would have happened whether I had been home to meet her or not. She is a functioning, independent your woman now.
Additionally, I have an 8 year old daughter that I give permission to roam our neighborhood fairly freely. She’s a different kid than her sister and we operate a little differently. She ride her bike around the neighborhood and reports back frequently. She has a watch and complies with requests to either check in or be home at a specific time. We don’t let her go off our block unattended. We have too many very busy streets and she is not a sensate kid. She get’s lost in the moment and doesn’t sense what is going on around her. Different strategies for different kids.
You go!
I just found this site, as a link from “boing boing”… as a former “free range child” myself, I am definitely in favor of letting my kids explore their independence as they explore the world.
There was a comment MUCH higher up on this page about going to one of the Disney parks in Orlando, and lettings the kids go where they wanted within the park. I used to do this with my kids (I live in Orlando and we had annual passes for Universal) and they loved it. I just made sure they had watches (so they knew what time it was) and knew where to meet, and at what time, and they had my cell phone number memorized so if something happened they could have a park employee call me… it worked out really well, they got to ride the water rides fifteen times in a row if they wanted to, and I was able to enjoy the rides I wanted to go on, and hang out with some of my friends who worked at the park.
One thing I might suggest, which can have benefits on several levels… Amateur Radio, both for yourself and for your kids (if they’re interested.) The FRS radios you can buy in the store without a license are, more or less, junk- they rarely work beyond a few hundred feet, and in an environment like an amusement park, where everybody has them and nobody follows any kind of etiquette, it’s a waste of time. Being able to use better radios makes it a lot easier to keep in contact with kids/parents when you’re out somewhere like an amusement park, both because the frequencies aren’t crowded, and because you can use more power. I have personally used handheld radios to keep in touch with friends several miles away, and if we use a repeater the range goes up to the 40-50 mile range. Yes, on handheld radios.
It can also be a good experience for the kids. Kids become interested for different reasons, but for many there is a kind of prestige at participating in something which is normally a “grown-up” thing (there is no age limit, there are licensed hams as young as 8 years old.) Some kids are more intelligent than their peers and may be more comfortable talking to adults- ham radio lets them talk to other hams, which for the most part are friendly and intelligent people. Speaking for myself, it helped me to be more comfortable socializing with people I didn’t know (yet.)
And the best part for a lot of people… as of about a year and a half ago, the license no longer requires any knowledge of morse code. There’s a 35-question multiple-choice test, and you have to answer 28 questions correctly. There’s a small fee to take the test (because the testers are volunteers, not FCC officials) but the license itself is free.
http://www.hello-radio.org/ has more information about Amateur Radio, including how to get started.
73 (“Best Wishes”)
John KG4ZOW
I’m just going to leave a link to a brilliant image from “indexed.”
Alright! A friend just sent me to your site, and I’m SO glad! I have let my older son be home alone and walk to school alone since he was nine. I live in one of the safest cities in the US, and my neighbors all think I’m nuts. I remember walking much farther than he did when I was five.
Even this year, now that he’s in junior high, acquaintances have commented about how I shouldn’t let him run around alone (i.e. walk home…2 miles). Seriously, you’d think I’m abusing the kid or something.
Some of my greatest memories were spending my summers walking around my town, going to the library, going to the museums, swimming at the pool, or going to Dairy Queen. My parents weren’t there, and probably didn’t know where I was half the time. On the other hand, they raised me be careful, but you can’t be careful unless you get some practice!
Anyway, great site! Thanks!
I had a perfect happy childhood with loving parents who cared deeply about me, including letting me grow up in the “real” world. My one rule was be home for dinner, or let them know where I was.
My friends and I played in the creek under railroad trestles, actually met homeless men (who were fine to talk to and had great stories, we were not molested ever in any way). We walked everywhere, including downtown to the movies. When we got older we had paper routes, rode our bikes miles and miles, camped in remote state parks (in groups), and generally learned to be self-sufficient.
I got in trouble for shooting my peashooter into one of the city fountains, and had to pick out the peas. I got caught prying the caps off of soda bottles to drink the soda through a long straw, etc.
I grew up with an active mind, an inquisitive and open mind, and an appreciation for learning everything I possibly could about everything.
I went to college, earned a masters degree and a PhD, married a wonderful woman, had a great career and made a ton of money, have two kids and five grandkids, am retired now, and try to teach my kids to let my grandkids have the same freedoms I enjoyed so very much.
I listened to your NPR interview. It astonishes me we have to discuss this. Our three kids are “free range”, and so are the dozen or so locals who live on the street and run in the gang. We, of course, have added our own modern twist, they go to several different schools, public and private: But they move from house to house, yard to yard, to and from town and the park either alone or en-masse and have lived to tell the tale! We even give them money sometimes and let them go to town and buy things. On their own (not one has yet slipped into the liquor store and bought an 8-ball). Our neighboorhood is a mile and half from the Philadelphia border, so this is not small twon USA, and I have even heard (but cannot confirm) that there may actually be some unlocked doors nearby.
It’s an unspoken thread here in the hood that this feels right and it works, and I cannot honestly remember discussing it with anyone in detail, we just do it.
We need T-shirts.
We are lucky to be raising our kids in a “free range” community. Nobody thinks it odd to see children riding bikes, walking to school, or playing with friends WITHOUT hovering parents. Kids are told the boundaries (don’t cross the highway, be home by dark), and amazingly…all are healthy and well.
We do our children a grave disservice by restricting them in the name of “can’t be too safe”. TEACH your kids to be safe by give them boundaries and rules…and letting them discover the world, and independence.
I have 3 kids of varying maturity. Obviously, my 3 year old son isn’t going anywhere by himself anytime soon. My 6 year old daughter is very mature and responsible for her age. She gor a Firefly cell phone for Christmas and walks the 4 blocks to school by herself. She also has the freedom to wander our trailer park by herself (there’s only one way in & out of the park, and I know more than half of the residents). My 9 year old daughter, however, feels that she can do whatever she wants, and if given an inch she will take a mile (literally!). Last time I let her walk to a friend’s house in the trailer park, they left the park and went to the nearest McDonald’s over a mile away without permission. All that being said, it goes back to the child-is s/he responsible enough to be free-range? Are they mature enough to comprehend ‘stranger danger’ and how to cope with the freedom they’re being given? I firmly believe a parent should know their child’s abilities and limitations well before giving them their freedom.
I think what you did is wonderful. Most parents today want to shield their kids from everything. While I would love to live in a world where kids never have to know pain or loss, I don’t. Neither do the people who think they can keep something from ever happening to their kid by micromanaging every moment of the day. Every kid will feel pain and loss at one point or another. Whether their parent(s) are there every minute of their day or not. What these parents need to learn is the only way they are going to equip their kids to deal with these things is by letting them experience it. I worry about the kids whose parents make every decision for them. What is going to happen if mommy or daddy die? As awful as it is to think about, parents do die. Then what happens? Have they equipped their kid to handle his or her own life? Unfortunately the answer for many these days is no.
When I married my husband, he had a sister who was only 6 years old. From day 1 I told them that if they continued to coddle her and not let her figure things out for herself, that she would never learn to be independent. My mother-in-law told me last month, that at almost 13, they have finally figured out that she may never be independent. If you don’t let kids take their lumps and figure things out, they don’t learn how. At this point, my four year old is better able to deal with the world than my almost 13 year old sister in law. It scares me that so many people think that constantly protecting their kids from every possible threat is a good idea. On the other hand, knowing the child and where their limits should be is just smart. But, it is our job to teach our children these skilss, and if we don’t, they won’t have them.
I am an 18 year old and a freshman in college. My parents raised my sister and I in a “free range” manner, and the two of us have never had any interest in drugs or partying and were never sexually abused. Unfortunately, I am unable to say the same thing for the majority of my friends and acquaintances. Giving children their freedom and trusting them goes much further in raising independent and responsible children than watching them every step of the way. In fact, constantly watching and “protecting” your child is the surest way of which I am aware for them to become entangled in whatever it is you are protecting them from. Even if they are successful while living at home, the second they leave for college or enter a world where they are not constantly protected failure becomes inevitable. Having an honest and trustful relationship with children (who by the way should also just be considered slightly small adults) is the best way to raise independent and successful children.
Absolutely FOR!
I may not be a parent, but I’m about to be a senior in college (and you know, college kids pretend to know everything).
Jokes aside, I grew up as far more of a free range kid than many of my peers, and I can now see the effects of it in college. As for me, all by myself, I handle all my bills, hold down a job, get good grades, and am more than well on my way to complete independence (financially almost there, just holding on to that parental health insurance, you know?).
Currently, I’m writing this from Japan where I am studying abroad. Here it’s nothing for a kid to ride the train alone or bike alone – it’s everyday life! And it’s been really nice to not be surrounded by constant over-worrying all the time.
Then there are many of my peers. Their parents lingered on campus for days after freshman orientation, call constantly, visit constantly, etc. And so many of the kids can’t do anything for themselves! Case in point, my freshman roommate (with extraordinary helicopter parents) ended first year with slipping grades and about 20 pounds gained from alcohol and poor diet.
It’s not all that extreme, but, especially when it comes to finances, I see even college grads who are still getting handouts from mommy and daddy just because their parents don’t want them to have it hard at all. Sometimes I envy it, obviously, but then I see that it’s been months and they have no drive to get jobs!
So yes, there are pros and cons to everything, and obviously, it’s really important to know your kid before applying anything, but my parents did a good job with me, I think! They trust me to make good decisions and I’m grateful that they gave me enough room to make my own choices growing up that I now know how to make the right ones now.
I’m glad I found this website (thanks to newsweek). Nice to see bits of sanity popping up everywhere! I’m really interested to see where this whole thing goes in the future.
I grew up in the mountains of Montana where I had a rifle at age 10 and a half dozen more by Junior High School. I wandered through the mountains alone, for days, and nights, by the time I was 12.
I am a better man, and my sons are better men, because we were raised that way. Kids are only kids because whiney, sissy parents train them to be kids. Independent and smart parents train their children to be responsible, capable, hard working, independent men and women.
The world is better off with parents like Lenore Skenazy.
I was born in the UK in 1967. At five my mum put me on the equivalent of a Greyhound bus for a 70 mile ride. My aunt was to collect me at the other end. This, I believe was too much too young. The bus made a stop that I didn’t expect and I nearly got left behind after hopping out to buy a drink (yes, at 5!). At eight, I happily took the city bus to an arts program in the center of the city where I grew up, and at 15 I travelled around Europe with an 18 year old friend. Both of these were great experiences. Now a parent considering what’s safe and what’s not I think about: is my child equipped to make good decisions if something goes wrong? I also think hard about busy roads, since motorists are the number one hazard for children where I live.
I think you’re awesome. I am a teacher of middle school children, and I see how so many of them simply cannot function even semi-independently because they are so used to having their parents do everything for them.
My husband rode a city bus in Houston when he was 9 and he was fine. I walked five blocks to visit my best friend when I was 8 and I was fine. We need to calm down as a society and remember that statistics show we are actually a SAFER society than we were years ago. It’s only because of the media that we think things are more dangerous.
I let my 8 and 10 year old sons bike the 3 blocks to a friend’s house. But when they returned the friend’s mom insisted on accompanying them back home through our very safe neighborhood ‘just in case.’
I also let my 4 year old run freely to our next door neighbor’s house, and even to the house across the street.
Ironically, I felt a lot MORE free after being chided unfairly for giving my children too much freedom. One day I was in our yard raking and my kids were playing right next to me. A woman drove by and shouted, “You should watch you children more closely!” There were just a few feet away from me!
At that point I realized that there is just no pleasing some people. Folks will criticize you for doing whatever you do. So you’ve got to go with your gut and good sense.
The whole “helicopter parent” things started in the 80’s, right around when I was prime marrying age. I objected to the overprotection/overscheduling then and am still against it. Seeing a married life raising kids in this fashion was so applling to me it was the main reason I never got married nor had kids of my own. It IS debilitating and stifling. Furthermore, I believe all those moms shuttling their kids everywhere in their minivans and idling the engines while they waited was one of the main causes of global climate change
I grew up in the Northeast in the 60’s and 70’s, rode my bike for miles, downtown, parks, school just about anywhere. I can remember being about 8 years old and taking care of my little brother 3 years younger than myself after school until my mom and dad got home. During the summers when school was out we would go to camp and have the time of our lives. Boating, swimming, arts and crafts and totally independent. We would be taken back to the school yard and walk home (about 3 miles) and wait till mom and dad got home to tell them about our adventures. Yes, we were smart and extremely mature, but that was just the way we were raised. Our questions were answered in a very adult way and our opinions asked as to what we just learned. Bless my parents for rearing us as civilized and intellectual human beings. We got to go the bank and watch as my father did his banking, talk to the bank president as if he was our next door neighbor. Fearless of life and free to enjoy it. We learned to stand up for our rights, stay focused in our endeavors, kind and compassionate to all around us and most importantly, to be able to discern right from wrong. We didn’t have a religious upbringing, but a humanist approach to our life and to the life of others. My siblings all achieved higher education, had wonderful families and successful lives. We as a whole have raised our children in the same manner and are repeating the pattern, strong independent women and men for the world. I applaud you, this world has enough ninnies, let’s give our children the backbone they will need to succeed.
YOU ARE MY GOD – or Goddess as it were…Not only do I watch as helicopter mommies huddle over their children insistently but ironically there seems to be a total disconnect to general parenting. Helicopter mommies are so busy swatting out imaginary fires and chasing away non-existent boogey- men that they can’t seem to just be a parent.
Mothers (and of course fathers) at one point in time taught their children manners, discipline, life lessons and the “other stuff” needed to become a productive member of society. Now, most moms behave like they are sending their children out into battle every day and they are leading the charge. Anything beyond the safety and security of the child is irrelevant and I am quite sure, exhausting after slaying imaginary “evils” all day.
For example, eating out once a pleasurable event is now a train wreck. Because there isn’t a single possible person on the entire planet that a helicopter mommy could possibly trust to leave with her children – the children NOW COME TO THE RESTAURANT. And because they can’t discipline their children – there is no time for this in a helicopter mommy-world – I get to listen to her children scream for “grilled cheese sandwich” in a seafood restaurant at 80 decibels.
It is a shame that these women – and let’s be honest here it is mostly woman suffering from this affliction – we do most of the child rearing– have totally lost a sense of self. You were someone BEFORE you were a mom. Yes, MOM is the best title any woman could ever have in her lifetime. But how can moms give something to their children if they have nothing for themselves?
Ask yourself, what will you leave your child with when you are gone? Pride and self-reliance? Or fear and dependence?
excellent choice.
Please continue to ignore the true bricks who continue to share their unintelligent comments.
Especially those who have forgotten how to live and only cling on to surviving.
In this age we can’t all waste money driving kids everywhere they want to go. nor can be baby them their entire lives. in college i knew ‘kids’ who never worked a single job on campus the entire 4yrs!
after they graduated they couldn’t get jobs because they had no work experience. (shocking!)
As kids my cousins and i would walk long distances to areas of Boston where other kids our age lived-who we got along with (were level headed).
It was cheaper than spending a lot of money on browsing at cafes or racking up bills dailing up to the net at home. even when it got cheaper we still prefered meeting other people in person. now i have a kid i know for a start hes not going to have a tv at home not even a cell phone. at most i may let him have a pager for short messaging with myself and his mom. simply because i hate talking on the phone for more than 3mins.
once again keep your life simple and your kids will turn out normal just like you.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
My two very fat nephews are the product of a helicopter mother. They are not allowed outside for extended periods of time and they lay around watching TV. It totally disgusts me and my husband.
What the hell has happened to these parents? Do they not realize they are doing a HUGE disservice to their children by hovering over their every move?
It frightens me to see how these kids will turn out as adults……..
I think many moms of young kids hover because they don’t want to be perceived by the other mothers as slacker moms. There are extremes at either end of the protective spectrum, both of which are damaging in their ways; but most of us (I think) fall in the middle. We don’t want to lose our place in Mommy World by standing out too far. Every time I give my independent 5 year old a little slack, there’s always a mom (or worse, an older man) at the ready with a smart comment.
Bravo to you!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
As the single mother of an 8 year old boy, I’ve had to “let go” more out of necessity than out of choice. I work full time at a law firm in Austin, with employers that graciously allow me to be there for my child when I have to be. I began taking my lunch breaks at 2:30 to pick him up from school by 2:45, and would spend 20-30 minutes with him (going over homework, preparing snacks, etc.) before getting back to work at 3:30 at the beginning of his 1st grade school year. He previously attended an on-site after school care program but living on a fixed budget, it was difficult to afford. The rates were reduced for families that met the income requirements but I made one or two more dollars an hour to qualify. Often, I had to decide whether to pay the electricity bill or buy groceries. We got by, and now I can more than afford to send him to that program, but I choose to save my money and at the same time instill into him a sense of well-being, self-sufficiency, self-discipline and independece. I was amazed after just the first few weeks at how much more confident he was in himself both at home and at school. I began to give him chores to do–unload the dishwasher, sort laundry, dust furniture-and along with those chores came a sense of pride. I realized that doing every little thing for him that my mother didn’t do for me (for which i held a lot of resentment towards her for so long) was NOT being a good mother. If anything, it made me a bad mother because I was not teaching him the bare necessisties of daily life. I plan to continue on this path and gradually release the hold I’ve had on him as his age and ability allow, e.g., when he’s tall enough to see over the stove, he’ll learn how to cook and operate the washer and dryer.
We now live with my boyfriend who has a 12 year old son that lives with his mother. She has always relied on her family to pick up her slack in regard to child care or financial issues, so my boyfriend has no clue what it’s like to make the choice I had to make. When his son visits, it’s obvious his mother or her family hovers over him when he expects one of us to fix his plate of food! He forgets his toothbrush at home because his mother has to remind him every day to brush his teeth. He leaves his things all over the house because his mother picks up after him. He has no responsibilities whatsoever.
My boyfriend feels that it is wrong for me to place so much independence on a child as young as mine is. I feel that it’s wrong that his child’s mother doesn’t give their son the independence he DESERVES now and will REQUIRE later. The boyfriend constantly assumes that my child is up to no good when he’s home alone and he very well may be… I wouldn’t know because the house hasn’t burned down yet, there are no blood stains on my carpets, nothing is out of place (except for the dishes he’s used that are in the dishwasher instead of the cupboards), and his homework is always completed. My child knows the rules, and I remind him every day what to do if the doorbell rings, if someone calls and asks for me, etc. when I am not home. I have 100% faith that he’ll do the right thing, when he’s at home alone and later in life when he’s out on his own. On the other hand, the boyfriend’s son, when given the rare opportunities to be unsupervised, turns them into opportunities to be devious.
So I’m a believer in your school of thought, though I never expected to be… I was forced into it but there’s no way in hell I’d consider dropping out now that I see positve results in all aspects. I see negative results first-hand, too, in the boyfriend’s child, which makes me want to advocate the cause all the more. I appreciate your efforts, and the efforts of at least a few others, to start raising adults now. When our children are grown, I shudder to think of the state of America being run by what will be oversized children so many parents seem to be raising.
I couldn’t agree more! And a million thanks for launching this crusade. I’ve long been the postermom for “Bad Mothers of America” because we have always allowed our daughter (now 10) to be independent and venture past our yard as she wished (with permission, of course.) At seven years old she was riding her bike to the library, four blocks away (sidewalks all the way.)
Recently at a playground, as my daughter ran by on her way from the playscape to the swings, another mother seated next to me frowned, pointed to the sign posted nearby and said, “I WISH people would enforce the “No Running” rule here! Someone’s going to get hurt!” No Running?! It’s a PLAYGROUND, for Pete’s sake!” What are they supposed to do? Walk sedately from apparatus to apparatus? No WONDER we have a childhood obesity problem in this country!
We refuse to raise our child in a climate of fear and “what ifs,” chained to the backyard by a paranoia of what may be lurking around the next corner. Instead, our daughter is independent and confident in her abilities to exist and succeed outside the sphere of our watchful gaze. I consider THAT successful parenting.
I am a grandmother and my daughter,35, and her son live with me. He is ten. When his father was here, he was a helicopter parent! It drove my daughter and myself crazy! She ran our neighborhood when she was growing up, and it made her a thinking young woman today! Recently he skinned his knees up riding a bike with his friend. You would have thought he was kidnapped and knifed the way his Father acted when he found out! We want him to grow up confident and strong, thinking for himself, not babied! Thank you for this web site! We know we weren’t the only ones! Oh, the daughter is divorcing the helicopter!! Thank goodness, it has saved my grandson!
“Free Range Kids believes in safety, but we also believe that a lot of parents are going overboard, creating quivering masses of helplessness instead of independent humans. What makes you think you’re right and we’re wrong?”
What a joke, I am supposed to answer this loaded question? You are a journalist? OK. I will go ahead and agree with you since my child is neither helpless nor quivering.
Right on! I have this instinct to raise my baby as a “free range” child (of course, with common sense rules) and I’m glad there is a forum out there that agrees.
I grew up in the 90s. I was walking to school and my friends’ houses and even sometimes staying home alone when I was 7 or 8. I do not approve of swaddling children in bubblewrap and I will not do it to my own two sons.
I have 3 children ages 11, (boy), 13, (girl), 15, (boy). My 11 year old can ride his bike 1 mile to his tutoring session, stop and buy himself a snack, go to our local park, and make it home all by himself. My 13 can go do the grocery shoping, come home and make dinner, and do her own laundry. The 15 year old has a job. My children are extremely independent and know how to take care of themselves. They have very good instincts and know when to speak to a “stranger” and when it is uncomfortable and a bad situation. Free Range Kids will be this countries next group of leaders. They have been given the opportunity to go out and enjoy their surrondings and feel comfortable with themselves. Many people say I am a “bad mother”, what they don’t know is that I am teaching my children that I trust and believe in them. They have self confidence that most children are lacking. Shuttling your kids back and forth and keeping them inside to be entertained by video games and the internet is not protecting them. It’s creating obese, anti social, angery children who will eventually become adults. God help us!
I believe that every child is not alike. Some can handle more freedom than others. If your child is responsible enough, you should be able to tell. Most people should mind their own buisness and keep their opinions to themselves. My sister still makes my 10 year old nephew go into the ladies room with her. But that is her business. If she asked my opinion then and only then would I state what I think. My son was about 4 when he went to the mens room by himself. He does fine sometimes and others he wants to go into the ladies room with me. I dont push him.
You know at first I thought you were crazy for letting your child ride the subway. But I can admit to ignorance of the statistics. I guess I figured with everything you hear, that life really is that bad out there. Now my boys 11 and 7, already have some freedom, they go out and play (we live in a townhouse with 7 other units) and they check the mail out by the street. I haven’t let them wander to the store or anything – yet – because we’ve witnessed drug use and other shady dealings in our neighborhood. I’m tempted now though to ease them into more free range living. My growing up years weren’t the most free range, but free enough to where I could take care of myself. Thanks for opening my mind a bit more.
A Definite FOR – GOOD FOR YOU
I am from an older generation, but rode the subway in Boston when I was 10, no worries.
It has got to be a good thing to allow our children to be independent and to function in society. If only for the purpose of getting from point A to point B safely.
Regards
Sarah just about sums it up for me…kudos to you and to her!
I have raised a 17 year old amazing, independent and strong lady. You have to teach them common sense and safety. They must be allowed to grow , learn and become thier own person. Kids are not held accountable anymore but how could they be with mommy and daddy hovering and treating them like posessions.
Count me in the “For”.
What galls me the most is the smugness with which the “Against” will tell me what I am doing wrong.
To them, I offer a truce: you raise your kids however you want, and I won’t say a word. In return, I’ll raise mine the best I can, and I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself.
That’s why the Pilgrims came here, right?
I am totally for raising a child to be independent. My daughter is 11 and she is a responsible, intelligent individual. I give her enough freedom to learn to make good decisions, without major repercussions to her life. I have been admonished because she is growing in her independence. I was once told by someone that she was too independent, and that they were raising “children” not a little adult. But as her parent, I feel like my job in not to raise a child. . . but to raise an adult. After all in 7 very short years she will be one and be expected to act like one, and make decisions like one. If we “over-protect” and coddle our children, how will they be able to make that jump into adult-hood fully prepared?
I am totally for Free Range Kids. Feeling like I had to constantly hover over my kids to protect them gives me anxiety, and them a sense of helplessness. This made me feel like this just isn’t right.
Let kids be kids. Let them ride bikes, climb trees, jump, run, and yes fall down. Giving your kids the gift of self-empowerment and responsibility is the best tool you can give them to face the world.
As for what David said… Forget truces… the Mommy Wars have been raging for years, and I *will* say a word to those who challenge me or my parenting styles… My kids won’t still be living at home at 25 years old, can these hover-moms say the same thing? Children are a gift not a possession, let them find their way in the world.
Geez, I’m not sure where I stand. I grew up in a time when people weren’t afraid to step in and help each other’s children. It doesn’t seem the same now. Everyone assumes someone else is watching.
I LOVED my freedom to go ride my bike with my friends all day without checking in until lunch or dinner. On the other hand, I also ended up in situations that I was not equipped to handle. A friend and I were gang raped as young teens on a school playground when we cut through. I know it’s a rarity for something like that to happen, but it did. I want to keep my son safe, but not clip his wings. It’s going to be very difficult. But I want to try. He’s only a year old, so I have time to work it out… 🙂
I read your article last week and was so impressed that you agree with my beliefs. I have allowed my three children the freedom to walk to school, and take the bus to town. I make them carry their cell phone so I can check up on them. They all know what to do in an emergency, and I am confidant that they can be cautious without being paranoid. I also have let my son stay home by himself since he was nine. Since he was a baby I have taught him to make his own choices and along the way he has become more responsible than many adults I know.
Good for you! So many opinions out there on how to raise them and how to restrict them but seems to me they are only getting worse. It is great what you are doing. You can’t raise a child that doesn’t know how to do things on their own and do them with good morals. I APPLAUD you
I’m raising my 9 year old to be a free range kid. For a long time, when she was younger, I assumed the whole “lets-plan-a-play-date” culture was due to living in an town where families are really spread out. Many of my friends don’t have any kids near them.
I wasn’t willing to have my life revolve around playdates so we moved to a neighborhood that is full of kids, who all play outside at every opportunity. I personally hate our clubby, generic little piece of suburbia, but I’ve put my discontent aside so my daughter can have the freedom to roam and learn some life skills on her own. We talk alot about safety, and she’s one of the more mature kids in that regard. Other than that, we talk very little about her time with her friends.
I don’t let her ride her bike out of our neighborhood because I don’t feel her bike skills are up to navigating the busy street that she’d have to cross. However, as long as she is with a friend, I let her walk to the corner store to get soda, or to the park to play basketball.
Our cell phones greatly enhance my security when she is out. The one rule she has is that she MUST answer her phone when it rings. If I get voicemail, she gets time at home.
… I just read the post of mom of 7, 10, and 11 year old…. I feel sorry for your sister’s 10 year old son that in 5th grade he’s not old enough to take a pee without his mom hovering over him… wow that is so paranoid, it’s actually scary. That kid is going to be in therapy for sure!
Thank goodness not everybody is drinking the helicopter parent’s cool-aid. As a 52 year old baby boomer, I was raised totally free range. Basically the only rule was “be home when the streetlifhts come on”. My parents didn’t even know where i was half the time.I walked, rode my bike, rode the bus any place I wanted. And i figured out how to get there. All of my friends were raised the same way and we all managed to make it to adulthood just fine. I raised my two daughters basically the same way, although i did always want to know where they were. they also managed to make it to adulthood. Some parents today are raising kids who can not think for themselves, figure things out for themselves, or manage to get across town without mommy and the minivan.
When I was a youngster in the 60’s I was allowed to roam the neighborhood freely and without supervision. I walked and sometimes rode my bike to school. The perverts were around then too. I recall two incidences where I was physically picked up by men, on my way to school, and another time returning home from school. I was a skinny little girl and somehow squirmed out of their grasp. There were at least five other times where I felt some danger ie, cars following closely, “hey little girl,” calls, and yes, lets not forget two men who chose to expose themselves. I realize I was a walking target because I was female, and frail in appearance. My experiences impacted my life in a negative way but I also became pretty street wise and learned some valuable life lessons. It fostered independence and I gained some inner strength. Although I am somewhat ambivalent I probably lean more toward allowing our children more freedom and independence. More than the trauma that I experienced in my childhood the memory that stands out the most is the joyous, magical freedom of being allowed to be a kid.
Thank you for putting into print what so many of us have been thinking. I grew up during a time when mothers were just getting back into the work force and my sister and I would get home from school, do our chores, make our own snacks and wait for my parents to get home. We rode our bikes in the neighborhood (without helmets), drank tap water, played with our friends (outside) and loved every minute of it. We are both better off for it. I now let my kids ride their bikes (without helmets) to the park and at the same time I teach them about being responsible for themselves. I think the world will be a lot better place when people begin to realize that you cant protect your kids from everything no matter how hard you try. Independence is one of the best gifts you can offer your kids and it gives them the tools they need later in life.
Maybe things are “worse” out there now than when I grew up, but I was very much “free range”. I tended to do things with friends when no adult was with me, which somewhat minimized the risk. Girls are probably more at risk when alone than boys. The specific neighborhoods make a big difference too. In general, I think kids need to learn how to do things without adult supervision – but when they are ready, and that would be different for each child. They need to develop independence, but everything within reason – Safe and Sane. I neither applaud nor condemn the actions of Ms. Skenazy. She should be the judge of what her kids need to grow up into self-actualized and self-sufficient adults.
Alright…even though I just recently turned 21, I remember about 10 years ago when I was allowed to walk the back alley to school and play with friends until dark and run to the park, provided my grandma knew i was there. She trusted me to go to Sav-on for here at night, down the back alley. She still had no prolbmes with letting my sister do it and she’s only 12…and the neighborhood is worse than when I was her age.
Why should it matter how you raise your own kids? As long as long as you give them some ground rules, inform them of the dangers out there and how to deal with them….what’s the big deal. Let your kids be free…most of these rare cases i read are with kids who are too overprotected and didn’t know what to look for or how to react when something bad happened.
My advice to uptight parents……You’re ruining your kids for life!!! Stop it, let them have some freedom and experience life.
Honestly you are just relying on other adults to come to your kids aide in the event of danger, since of course you are not available.
How kind of you.
I almost think you should call your site “Pass-The-Buck” Parenting!
Hopefully your kid will enounter the honest/safe people in the world when they need an adult, and not the local sexual predator.
Good luck with the odds on that, since it is a gamble to be sure.
Good for you, and your son!
I, as well as the majority of people reading this blog, grew up in the 70’s. We didn’t have cell phones, computers, video games (with the exception of the infamous Atari – which we were only allowed to play for an hour or so at night AFTER we had finished our homework) we had house phones (party lines) and were only given 20 minutes each, because someone might be trying to reach our parents in case of an emergency.
On Saturday morning, we were never allowed to sleep past 10am we had to do our chores – not just pick up our rooms, but REAL household duties, scouring the toilet, dust the furniture in the formal dining room, and (hold your breath) mow the lawn – IN THE HEAT. Usually, by 12 in the afternoon, our parents would tell us to JUST GO SOMEWHERE!! If we had no place to go, fine, they would find more chores for us to do. We knew better than to tell our parents we were “bored”, again, they’d find something for us to do. – not something we enjoyed, either. The only rule was to “check in” every couple of hours and be home when the streetlights came on. oh, and not to get into any trouble. We learned how to be independent, and how not to get into trouble.
Look at us, we made it. They will too. If we don’t TRUST our kids, how will they learn to trust themselves, or anyone else?
Jadey
Great idea. I started taking my son to a punk rock club in Washington DC when he was in the 8th grade. As soon as he was 15 he and some buddies were taking the subway there on their own.
Our bubble wrapped kids can deal with a lot more then we give them credit for. Go for it.
There is an enormous difference in “keeping your child within eyesight” at all times and letting a 10 year old ride the NY subway alone. GET A GRIP.
miss kitty says ‘reeeeer’
If you can’t defend your argument better than that, why bother?
And why exactly do you NEED to keep your child within eyesight at all times?
The fear in today’s parenting is overwhelming. It’s as if we all believed the urban myths from the early eighties like there is razor blades in the apples… so no home-made treats on Halloween.
I say if this mother felt her son was competent to handle riding a subway, she is a better judge of his abilities than you or I, and since she hasn’t hovered over him his whole life, he was capable of it. If a child has no opportunity to demonstrate his own ability to care for himself, then he’ll never know how.
So, maybe you need to ‘get a grip” a grip on your paranoia, you know…. they have medication to treat that.
We live in the relatively small city of Salt Lake City,Utah. In 1993, when my daughters were 11 and 10, I sent them to Tokyo by themselves to visit their aunt. While I am sure Delta supervised them to some degree, they were not watched every second of the trip. In Tokyo, they wandered around the neighborhood by themselves and had a great time.
5 years later, they went to NYC with their dad. I gave them specific boundaries that they were not supposed to cross — Central Park to 42nd, 7th to 5th, etc. When I called them later in the day and asked them what they did that day, they informed me they had taken the subway to Brooklyn!! So much for boundaries.
They have grown up to be confident, adventurous, smart, savvy travelers. They know how to be cautious and safe, buth they always have a great time.
I’m all for free-range kids. Give them a chance to spread their wings.
I love the independence my children feel when I let them go into a store alone, or walk home from school. I am just not too sure if this is the best idea in this day and age. My mother never had to worry about her kids getting abducted because that sort of thing just wasn’t happening in rural IN in the 70’s. What about now? A happy medium would be nice.
I just read your article, and it got me to thinking why I don’t live in America anymore.
What scares me is the reaction that you got from the public.
Why do Americans always feel that they need to to criticize or comment on something that is not their business?
All I can say is that I don’t want any part of this so-called Modern Parenting Movement. NO. NO. NO.
Somewhere between how I was raised with the old way of parenting, and modernity is where I find my guiding light of how to be a dad.
There’s a parable in Aesop’s Fables concerning the reaction of the public . Basically, a man, his son, and a donkey were walking along going from town to town. No matter what they did (man rode donkey/son rode donkey/no one rode on the donkey) somebody had something to say. In the very end,
the father says to his son, “You see son no matter what you do, someone always has something to say. So do what you like.”
Good luck. You sound like a good mom.
Regarding the comments of “Sibling”, whose brothers fell through pond ice and drowned: she believes, “If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive.”
It’s very sad and terrible that it happened, but the truth is, having adult supervision would not necessary have saved them. However, if they had been given a simple rule, “Don’t EVER walk on a frozen pond because it may crack, you will fall in and drown” AND IF THEY HAD LISTENED, perhaps they would never have gone on that pond in the first place. I grew up in the 60’s in the suburban Chicago area with a nearby river, ponds and man-made lakes that kids played around all the time, even in winter. We had train tracks, busy streets and fast, heavy traffic and were told not cross certain streets or to walk on train tracks, etc. We earned the right to more freedom by demonstrating more and more ability to deal with the potential dangers of our environment. Yes, we were told the awful consequence of disobeying: that you could get seriously hurt or killed if you went beyond the limits that were set. Yes, we were scared (but not terrified) to do certain things. If another kid got hurt or killed while doing things we were told not to do, parents would use it as an example of what happens when you disobey a rule that’s made for your own safety. It taught us to be careful and look out for dangers. That’s how you learn to be independent, self-sufficient, and a competent young person capable of living a productive life. We also did our own homework, including projects, and our extracurricular activities did not always have to include a cheering or encouraging parent on the sidelines or audience. Yet we achieved and became accomplished.
At age 9 I and my little friends would take the bus to our suburb’s small downtown area on saturday morning and stay until mid-afternoon, shopping, having lunch, buying candy, and later, going bowling. I walked to school starting in kindergarten, then rode my bike. The only time I got a ride was when the snow was too high. I went on errands to the grocery store, butcher shop, etc., starting about age 6.
I must say that today after picking up my 7 year old son from grade 2, I sat down at the computer and found this story.
I quickly dove into the article and forwarded the link to several of my close friends who are parents as well. Here’s my opinion.
I believe that we fear too much. I live near a “high risk” neighbourhood in Canada and had stopped letting my children play outside in fear of getting hurt, abducted and abused.
In the mean time they started to play video games, talking on line to strangers and all to my knowledge. Now in the past year, I’ve opened my eyes and started to take the “leash” off.
Letting my kids talk to strangers on line while playing games (I must add that I am not always in the room 100% of the time)! What am I thinking?
I would rather let my children gain their independence and self-confidence while taking that chance then squish their individuality by teaching them to be afraid. I believe that we’ve become over informed and the access to information on what is going on can (in my opinion) hurt us more than help.
My older son now 17 has hardly any friends b/c of my fears. He has developed relationships on line through his gaming but when taken out to enjoy a night as a family golfing has a hard time being social. I can’t believe I just figured this out. My younger son will not be like this nor will he be afraid of trying things on his own.
Kudos’ to you who gave your son the give of self-confidence!
An overprotected child grows into an ill-prepared adult. How do we expect our children to be able to function on their own when they become adults if we don’t give them freedom and teach them respondibility as children and teens???? We live in rural New Hampshire, so I will admit it is probably a little easier here. But my kids have always been allowed to ride their bikes to the playground, walk to the library, go down to the store….all without me hanging over them. My oldest is now an adult and I can easily see that she is better prepared to start her life as an adult than her more overprotected friends. They have no clue. My girls have either walked to school or taken the bus by themselves and come home while I am still at work. They have been taught not to let anyone in the house if I’m not there and to not answer the telephone. They would lock the door and do their homework.
Parents today have forgotten what it is like to be a kid. Children need a certain amount of freedom to grow. You can’t and shouldn’t be in their back pocket all the time.
I agree with the mother who authored the article. I had to move in with my parents when my son was ten, until I relocated in two months to another state, they were so selfish they would not let me borrow their car to take my son to his old bus stop and pick him up. Instead they wanted me to transfer him to a substandard school, which I would not do. I rode the city bus with my son for weeks (with a newborn infant) and show ed him how to ride the bus to his bus stop across town. I would meet him to come back home until he said he was ready to try it alone. I prayed everyday that the Lord would protect my child on that city bus. I eventually left and relocated, but that was the most stressful two months of my life. I was a single parent for ten years and my son was a latch key kid for a while and he would be home alone for about an hour. Now, I have a seven year old, that I would not dream of leaving alone because I don’t think he is mentally mature enough to take care of himself like my first son. He does not even have a key yet.
I agree. I am a mom to a 9 year old young boy. He flies from NYC to CA by himself (for the past 3 years), he walks several blocks to the library by himself, he walks about 10 blocks to the library with his friends. Children need to feel independent, the need a sense of responsiblity, if I say be home by 5:00 pm you better believe he will be home by 4:45 pm.
I understand as parents we care greatful for the welfare of our children but if we do not let go….slowly, they will not be productive individuals.
in my line of work you would be amazed how many parents accompany their children to a job interview, some even ask to sit in on the meeting. These are college graduates and their parents are accompanying them on interviews.
At the end of the day it is all about how mature, well adjusted your child is. If little Sarah still runs out in the street when on family excursions, then no she doesn’t need to beout by herself. i tell my son all the time, when I was in the 2nd grade I used to take the train from queens to brooklyn and walk the mean, drug infested streets of bedford stuyvesant everyday by myself. I turned out just fine.
U R the best mom in the world! Why live in fear? Look at statistics, and fear not. At some point the mama eagle tosses the baby out of the nest so he can FLY!
I’m not alone!!! Hooray!!!
My little corner of suburbia is filled with helicopter moms finishing their children’s sentences and monitoring play.
UGH.
I’m a careful mom. We don’t have subways here, but I’m a frequent visitor to NY and feel safer there than I do in our area.
I feel so happy to have found like-minded parents!!
As for the person who stated that we are “relying on other” parents to monitor the safety of our children because we “aren’t available”….well that sounds awfully like my neighbor who watches the kids play constantly in our yards…keeping an eye out for any child to say something “not NICE!” to her kid.
Good Grief. Kids NEED to problem solve and learn to deal with each other without a grown-up going to bat for them at every single second.
It would only be relying on other adults if a parent knowingly sent their child on the subway with the knowledge that the child was NOT READY for the responsibility.
A child who is “ready” demonstrates signs of readiness in their responsible behavior at most other times, as well.
For example, I know for a fact that my son will not be ready for the same independant privileges that my daughter will enjoy at the same age. He won’t be ready as early because he does not demonstrate the same maturity to me at this point. When he does, he’ll be allowed the little freedoms, as well.
I LOVE this site!
I think my in-laws watch too many scary news stories. They probably think I’m an unconcerned mother. My 10 yr old son has basketball practice at 6:00 in the evening a couple nights a week. I usually dropped him off, then came back to pick him up. When my job made that impossible my in-laws took over. I found out they were staying for the hour and a half practice. Why? ‘We don’t like to leave children alone” He’s with his two coaches and a parent assistant! Also any time we’re at a public event they spend the whole time having little panic attacks and saying ‘Where’s Sam?!” Invariably Sam is directly behind them or blocked from view by a larger member of the family. Sam is 10.
I have raised two girls over the last 20 some odd years. I worry about our overprotective society. Why is it that the expression “Roam the neighborhood” has a bad connotation. When my youngest started riding skateboards, she was stopped by the local police numerous times. Apparently, skateboarding and riding bicycles on the street are now considered risky behavior.
I believe that part of our obesity problem is because children aren’t out side enough. I know when I was growing up, I spent most of my time on a bicycle doing wheeleys. We were always being told to “go outside and play”. No one really supervised us that much. And this was in an upperclass neighborhood.
It is difficult these days. Remember gowing up in a small town and being able to go from one end of the town to the other by myself or with friends and I regret my not feeling comfortable enough to allow my kids the same possibilities. Partly the community I live in more than anything, just finished spending a year in a small town in N Cali I allowed them more fredom than now back again in small town Wash State. Bottom line as far as I am concerned is that it should be each parents decision and they need to live with their decisions it should not be the government to decide if a parent can let there child on the subway or not.
HOORAY!! for you! I used to be a mother hen mom, till i went to live with my dad and he finally told me something i will never forget… “How can you expect them to know anything if you do it all for them!” “Let them go and figure it out for themselves otherwise there be grown men waiting for mommy to handle it.” Sometimes i feel like the worst mother in the world for letting my 8 year old walk to school alone… I used to walk him and forth meet him at the cross walks,etc. I guess i was “hoovering” till I started to see that this was affecting all aspects of our life. Ask him to throw the trash? pick up his dirty clothes?? It would be agonizing. same with my 12 year old. asking them for help was like asking them to pull out their own teeth out! now that i am a full time student as well as a part time worker and my husband is out the door before we even get up the kids had to start walking themselves. i can see the changes… i can see them venturing out trying new things. and whether its coincidence or not, chores are done with no crying and whinning. My boys even started going to a youth group and while it’s not our “religion” i commend them for getting out there and figuring life out for themselves… I’m a catholic by training, I can barely keep my eyes open during mass but i was told this is what you are and it stuck to me… I see my boys making choices… taking chances… becoming men… and as much as i’m scared for them…i mean phoenix, az is tweaker central…
Lately I hear them talking about their days and people they run into. and i feel proud. things i was SO ‘uncool” for such as not giving them $100 allowance,cell phones, and psp’s are no longer the talk of the table but it’s more about what there going to do today, tommorrow, etc…
I think parents should be encouraged to let go and let there kids grow up… the ones that don’t should be on the news!
I am the parent of a 10 year old son and live in Chicago. I am all for raising independent kids, however there are quite a few differences between when were kids and today. The first is that the crimes against children were no less frequent years ago. They just went unreported. I know this from personal experience. It was “kept in the family” when a child was molested back then. The subject was considered taboo. Also, our parents were not as well equipped as we are today on keeping track of their kids. We have cell phones and nanny cams today. If our parents had those things available to them I guarantee they would have used them. The child mortality rate is much less than it was decades ago and I attribute this to our use of technology and smarter parenting. But also due to technology, our kids are growing up much faster than we were and are exposed to more violence at a much younger age. The greatest concern is not about adults committing violence against children, the concern is what children are doing to other children. Just look at what happened in Florida 2 weeks ago. And do we need to mention Columbine?
I don’t think that any one parent can say to another that they are raising their child wrong – but I think that if you are going to compare how our generation was raised to how we are raising our children today, there is no real comparison. The world is dramatically different today than it was even 20 years ago. And I can tell you this much, just knowing what I saw growing up and the things my friends and I got into as “free range kids”, I DEFINITELY don’t want my son getting into any of those things.
Every generation can learn from the one before it. As parents I think we are all still learning from our parents’ mistakes. And we will make our own mistakes as well. Hopefully, those mistakes will not harm our kids, but will teach them something.
But would I allow my 10 year old to ride the subway alone in Manhattan or the Loop? Never. But does my son walk to school? Yes, he does. The difference is that there are neighbors who we know and trust that if something happened they could help. Who could we trust on the subway to help? It is not about knowing if I can trust my child, it is about trusting the world with my child.
I agree!!!
I have a 5 year old boy,3 year old daughter and 9 month old son. All very precious to me. All sacred treasures. My son rides the school bus and prefers to walk himself to the bustop about 1 block away. He also prefers to Walk home from the stop. He feels like a grown up. Since allowing myself to let go and let him grow he has learnt to sort and put his own clothes away. He makes his own bed. He is making decisions for himself where before he would cower and expect me to make a decision for him. That small amount of faith I had in him allowed him to take off. He is so much more assertive.
My three year old daughter is following his lead. She thinks if she can clean up her room and make her bed and take dirty dishes to the sink I will allow her to walk to the park by herself. She is three and I am no where near ready for that but she is allowed to walk two doors the left and visit her friend and that makes her feel like a big girl.
My daughter helps feed her little brother and letting her do those little things makes her feel important.
I grew up in a time and place where i walked to school by myself at 5 and made it there and back in one piece. I grew up without special car seats for toddlers and preschoolers. I grew up without bike helmuts and knee pads. I grew up and I am fine. I am not saying that helmuts, car seats, and knee pads are useless. I am just saying that my family did not instill fear in me. They promoted strengh, pride, sense of responsibility and sense of accountability.
We now live in a society where fear is driven into us through every level of media, We buy based on fear, we eat based on fear we stay home based on fear.
I will not teach my children to fear. I will teach my children to stand tall and to stand strong.
It is our jobs as parents to teach our children to be respectable additions to society. Not cowering, weak, blind followers. I am giving my Children power.
I was born and raised in Atlanta, I have lived in a small rural north Georgia town for 22 years now and this is where i raised my kids. As a child i was a free range kid, I went all over the city, was i molested YES but it was a grandfather that I was left with that harmed me not anything from the streets.
When I was raising my sons they were also free range children, in a small town I never even thought twice about letting them ride their bikes all over town (or walk for that matter) now I see parents with their kids right at thier side, afraid to even let them walk up the block on the sidewalk, not me my grandchildren are given rules about getting int he street, how to cross the street etc… and they follow the rules even at 5 and 3, they are now allowed to go to the end of the block alone (I live in a converted commercial building in the historic downtown area) and into the variety store or the pizza place, the shop owners know them and they have a pride of the independence. I see so many children that are timid and scared of any new situation, these children I fear for their safety if they should become separated from their parents, they would panic.
I also see the children that are just kept inside, in front of the TV or the computer, they are unhealthy and often unhappy and without friends.
Give children roots and wings to keep them well adjusted. Free the kids!
i am totally for this.
my parents did not let me do anything when i was a kid.
I feel like i had a lot to catch up with now that i am 25.
I wish my parents would have been like this.
and i will be like this with my kids.
I am 26, my sister is 22. Our childhoods were so different, we might as well have been raised in different households. I was the first born and was never given small toys to play with. Never allowed near the stove, even if it wasn’t on. I didn’t watch tv. I was encouraged to do art projects, but without pens, pencils or scissors. Jumbo crayons were my only medium. I was shuttled to and from school and participated in after school programs that were literally supervised by nuns. I only went on one field trip, and my parents were both there. We moved when I turned 10, so my sister and I never went to the same school together.
She walked to and from school, often staying later to play on the swing sets with her friends. She was enrolled in gymnastics and threw herself at inanimate objects and climbed up 12 foot ropes on a daily basis. She talked to strangers. She played with Polly Pockets, which at the time were the size of a dime. She sold magazines and gift wrap door to door.
Guess what? We are both alive. In fact, all of our friends are too. The way we were raised and the freedom were were given or in my case, denied, did not shorten our lifespan. Random acts of violence are just that, random. Being with an adult does not guarantee a child’s safety.
Kids these days know about the bad things in the world. They see predators on tv. They hear swear words in music, on television and in public. They have seen drug use in movies and know that danger could lourk around every corner. It’s up to the parents to teach them to be safe. How to spot trouble, and how to avoid it. Any parent who thinks their kid should be kept under lock and key is just saying that they don’t trust their own parenting skills.
More power to you. At 8 I rode public transportation from my home in the suburbs of San Francisco to the Embaradaro area where I went to school after being kicked out of third grade for reading the encyclopedia. My father rode with me the first time there and back to make sure I knew the way, but for four years I rode every day and learned independence, dealing with strange and difficult people and how to make sure I got where I needed to go on time. If I missed the bus or the jitney I didn’t call my Mom (who didn’t have a car at home) or my Dad (who did have a car but wouldn’t leave work to rescue me because I wasn’t paying attention). I learned how to stand up for myself and take care of myself long before I got to high school and nothing terrible happened to me. I learned how to avoid the terrible in the city, but was kidnapped three block from my “safe” home in the suburbs so you can never tell where danger can lie. The fact that I had been on my own to travel made me aware that attracting a policeman’s attention to the car I was in would likely get me out of trouble and it did. If my parents had taken me to school every day in a care I might not have thought to throw trash from the car to attract a policeman at 9 years of age. Giving kids independence and the knowledge of how to navigate in the world without parental involvement is the way to build strong adults. You can bet if I had been more than a hour late getting home from school my mother, who knew the route I traveled and all the transportation I took, would have been on the phone to the police.
Thank God! I thought I was the only ‘slacker mom” in the world!! I hate being in groups of women. It seems the only conversation they are capable of is how smart, talented, and damn near perfect their child is!! If I hear one more mom say that their child is sooooo bored in school because it is not “challenging enough” for their little einstein I will puke! I think as parents we are so stressed that if our children aren’t perfect in school or at sports, they will turn out to be drug dealers.
Well done!!!
I am from India and I used to ride bike when I was 9 year old. It was not small bike but a regular bike. I guess people all over the world are becoming over protective.
Have faith in your child and god. Your child will show you what he/she is capable off. Don’t under estimate..
Different, but related point:
Paying $35K a year to send your 5-year old to private school so they can learn their right from their left isn’t going to make them more likely to get into Harvard.
I’m a single mom, and I have raised my kids to be self sufficiant. They are 13, 15 &17. And when I have the chance to sleep in on a “school day”, I do it. They are old enough and responsible enough to get up, eat and catch the bus without me. Of coarse, my current live in boyfriend thinks I’m a bad parent because I don’t cherish every second since the kids will be gone soon enough and I’ll never get that time back. What do you think??
BRAVA! About time someone brought this up!! So ridiculus how over protective parents are these days – kids that will have no clue how to do anything themselves!! again BRAVA
i totally agree. Right now i am a senior in highschool and still can’t attend school fieldtrips to amusement parks, hang out, or sleep over. i have showed them my responsability through constant good grades and behavior, but i can’t seem to catch a break, i can barely go to a public bathroom by myself.
I think you rock. It’s crazy how much we over protect our kids these days. I work at a university and it is stunning how college kids today are not able to take care of themselves and have Mom or Dad call whenever they have a problem. I grew up in the 70s and 80s and things weren’t like that. Most parents I knew encouraged responsibility and independence. We were allowed to do things, within reason, on our own. I hope to raise my son (who is 2 years old) to be a responsible, independent citizen. We need to stop smothering our kids because it is making them more and more self-centered and dependent.
Hurrah for Lenore!!! I totally agree – we have become so paranoid and frightened over the last 20 years! It’s true that life isn’t safe but being hyper-vigilant will not change that something might happen. I do belive in being safe and smart – but not paranoid! Kids should be allowed to have a good time while they’re kids!!
Being apart of the latch-key kid alumni and as a parent to a 7 year old girl, I’m actually all for “free-ranging”. I learned how to take care of myself at a young age, which then gave me more solid independence as an adult. My wife on the other hand was born to helicopter parents and as a result of that, alot of typical skills you’d expect most adults to have (e.g. driving a car, paying bills, dealing with others in general), she has a more difficult time doing.
Kids who learn at an early age how to manage themselves without getting into trouble learn how to deal with problems in life without freaking out as much. As long as you (the parent) give your kids the right tools to learn how to be responsible for themselves, you can step back and see how awesome your kids really are.
But harp over them constantly until they’re practically adults themselves and you’re going to end up in a serious world of hurt. Especially when you as the parent will eventually need your kids to help YOU as you get into your golden years.
Bravo to you all who dare let your kids live real lives!
I stun people today when I duscuss my youth in New Orleans. From age six, my mother would take us to the inner city Mardi Gras parades and turn us loose, telling us to meet back at the Lee CIrcle statue. Four kids in my family, all going seperate ways into the crowds, and being of both sexes, wandering joyfully in a city famous for horrible crimes. What a cool childhood!
You see, there were half a million adults keeping track of the roaming hordes of unsupervised children. Never knew any kid to be harmed, never heard any horror stories, always had a blast.
This was but a smll taset of the wonderful liberty I experienced. To my supposedly neglectful mother, I offer the sincerest thanks!
I raised 4 incredible children who as adults today frequently reference with loving haressment, the permissive attitude with which I raised them. Thank you so much for now I have a term to describe my parenting techniques- I was just raising Free Range Kids.
This is terrific! I don’t have any children of my own, but I do have 100+ kids cycle through my classroom each year, and I am always saddened by their lack of independence. If people want to talk about child abuse, let’s talk about releasing a child into the adult world without the skills to perform tasks without coaching, cope with the unexpected, or overcome defeats. As a history teacher, part of my curriculum is the way “salutary neglect” allowed the American colonies to bloom and create the institutions we all hold so dear today. I also tell my students about the brave young people – some as young as fourteen – who left their families behind and went west to seek a new life. Parents of America, take a lesson from history: your kids are more capable than you give them credit for! Set them free and marvel at the wonders they will produce when you let them!
Amen!
My son is only 3, so these aren’t quite *my* issues yet. But it starts young. Do you turn your home into a padded cell, or assume that a run-in with the coffee table is a learning experience? Do you keep your child locked to your side when you walk on city streets, or trust him to learn how to walk next to you? Like some others here, I worried that I was a slacker mom who would be reported to CPS for not buying a toilet lock and letting him step on and off the Metro escalators by himself.
It’s such a relief to know there are just as many of us who feel like our kids will probably do better if we give them some freedom. My parents didn’t watch me like a hawk – and I can’t see how it would’ve helped if they had.
As for the idea that we’re passing-the-buck? I couldn’t disagree more. If a kid gets lost, I’m perfectly happy to help. And I’m confident there are many more people like me than dangerous predators.
As a parent-to-be (of twins!) later this year, I worry about this very much. How much supervision is too much? The last thing I want is to turn my kids (we’re having one of each) into a couple of adult wimps who have no idea how to function in society or learn to care for their own needs. I grew up in Chicago, a city with great public transit, and remember taking the bus Downtown to the Loop, to Sox games, and just about everywhere else I needed to go from about the 6th grade. My brother and I used to ride our bikes everywhere, which was OK with the parents as long as we were “home when the streetlights come on.” Please people, listen to this woman, lest we cultivate a culture of sissified adults with the common sense and self-care capabilities of seven-year-olds.
Kudos! Maybe Alaskan kids are just a wee bit more independent than the lower 48 city kids. All three of my daughters flew alone to visit grandparents in Arizona by themselves. Granted they had airline employees assist them between flights (sort of) but having traveled since birth basically, they were familar with looking at flight status and getting through security etc. When the Travellers Aid person wasn’t paying attention my 8 year old pointed out that she needed to get to the gate for the next flight. They were safe but gained a great sense of independence. They had books to read and crayons to draw with and music to listen to on headphones. They conversed with other passengers but behaved (from the comments of the other passengers when they got off the plane and came up to us and commented on how mature they were)
I see too many young adults that don’t want to leave home. Our society coddles them too much.
I lived in the suburbs of Chicago. I took the CTA as a 12 year old by myself. I rode my bike everywhere. In the summer I went to the beach in the morning and as long as I was home for dinner all was well. This was the norm in the 70s. We survived…and thrived.
Good for you to bring this to the public attention!
When I was a kid my mother would send me and my younger sisters out to play. We lived on a small farm surrounded by 100’s of acres of fields and forests. As long as we could hear her whistle (Almost a mile away) we could do whatever we wanted all day. We would pack PB&J sandwiches and off we’d go. It was a beautiful childhood. Except when my Dad got home we couldn’t tell him. He is the type that would grill you before you walked out the door, and warn of all the “posible dangers that awaited you outside the door. It’s amazing that having grown up with such wonderful freedom I am more like my Dad then my Mom. I think it comes from being the oldest and being responsible for younger siblings.
We live 5 hrs away from my family and every summer my children go to visit for 2 weeks. Staying with my youngest sister who bears a striking resemblence to my mother when it comes to child rearing. I am a nervous wreck the whole time. My Husband who is much more laid back blames me (NOT in a bad way) for our 6 yr old sons “nervousness”. He’s very catious and careful. Concerned about getting hurt or lost ect… Our daughter 4, is a jump first ask if there’s water at the bottom later. It’s wonderful how they balance each other.
I try not to be to much of a helicopter but it makes me feel better, sets my mind at ease to have them in sight at all times. It’s a choice I make. As for other people who allow thier child to “roam free” as well as it is a well thought out desicion I applaude them for raising such capable kids. And having the courage to let thier “babies” grow up. I hope to find a balance within myself where I feel mildly comfortable letting them branch out on thier own. I have been teaching my 6 year old how to microwave cook for himself so that if I’m busy or even (pretending to )take a nap he can heat up leftover mac & cheese himself, get his own drink and decide what disney channel to watch.
Where to begin, my. You set up your own site, no protection from predators..not good, just for starters. Yeah things where great growing up,and yeah things HAVE changed. Why be worried about being too worried. Believe me there is plenty to worry about. Without worrying if you are being too ‘overprotective’ or ‘stifling’ you child’s grow. Here’s an idea, instead of condoning ‘latch key kids’, tell people to actually play, talk and be with their children, instead of ‘dropping’ them off somewhere while you self absorb yourself in your own needs and desires. I know its a real new and Novel idea, but hey it WORKS!
There is no ‘over playing’ done by the media, if anything a lot of stuff never gets aired! The stats you people are reading are not taking in consideration the fact there are MORE people now.
Look, I would live to look through those rose colored glasses with you. But I have been around longer then you and I’m hear to say the advise you are handing out is damaging and very dangerous, probably more than you know or will ever admit. It’s great you are getting lots of attention, perhaps thats you goal, God only knows. But if you truely believe that it is safe out there you are sadly mistaken. May NO child be hurt or worse from what you are ‘giving out’ as advise. You have many new moms reading this and believing the sh*t you are saying. Think about it, please.
That’s about all the attention your getting from me KID. Remember ‘you make you own bed….”
God Bless
It’s about time someone in the public eye did this & got attention doing it so we can get society back to the reality that kids today should be able to do what we did when we were kids without some stupid self appointed watchdog group telling the rest of society how they think other kids should be raised & watched after.
We as kids “did it” alone all day & we survived!
As one other wrote, we were gone all day until either lunch or dinner, ate, then went back out until the street lights came on.
And it was great!
Oh, & we also survived without being forced to wear seat belts, & could be left alone in a car while our mom/dad, whomever, went into the convenience store or supermarket & left us in the car with the radio playing.
Try that today & see how fast your in jail, fined & have your kids taken away!
I can see letting him any child take the subway at 15 by themselves, not 10. Thats just way too young in this day and age. Maybe we didnt hear about all the crime and abused and molested kids when WE were younger but if we had some other kids might have been saved from the fates they suffered. There is nothing wrong with being protective of you child and there is nothing wrong with wanting to give your child some freedom, but there is a difference between being OVERPROTECTIVE and just plain out DUMB.
I have a hard time convincing my husband that its ok to leave my 6 (almost 7yo) step-son home alone for 10 minutes between the time when he leaves for work and when I get home.
I hope he reads all this and realizes that he’s not a horrible father for doing so and that I’m not just a callous step-mom for wanting to do so.
Wow Lenore, I can tell by your wisdom and your insight that you really care about raising a child that is resonsible, self-regulating and brave. Hurray for you and your courage (great example by the way!) And hurray for parents who recognize what their child is capable of and what they are not…(and can differentiate that from what they as parents are capable of and what they are not.)
My five children are between 19 and 26 now, but when they were growing up I was constantly trying to weigh (and teach them to weigh) what was the best choice in a particular circumstance. For example, walking around by ones self at night at 10 years old. We would have a discussion like “is it a good or bad idea? Why? What could happen? What would you do if this happened? Do you want to put yourself in circumstances like that? etc. It takes a long time..but they begin to understand safe conduct and not so safe conduct. Same scenario for riding bike to the store on a summer afternoon. Good idea bad idea? etc… till my kids began to do this kind of reasoning with alot of their personal decisions. Of course then there is just the personality of the child.
My oldest could not be left with his younger siblings (even as he got older…cuz he just wasn’t interested.) My oldest daughter (2nd child) could have been babysitting yonger children at the age of 4 (had she been tall enough and it was legal) because she was just very wise and caring and organized.
In Oregon where I live it is leagal for kids to be “left alone” at 10 years and you can care for others at 12. But we didn’t just say ok your 10 you can be on your own. We started letting them make choices as soon as they were old enough to communicate with us. We let them choose what they wore, within reason what they watched on TV (do you want to watch this or that) Often at breakfast and lunch I would give them two choices just for the opportunity to empower them with a sense of freedom and confidence. As they became teens we seldom had to tell our kids what to do, instead we could discuss the pros and cons of a situation and let them make the choices themselves (9 times out of 10 they came to the conclusion I hoped they would…but in the 10th time I was confident that they would learn more than they would loose.) Moreover, we had no rebellion from our kids cuz they were busy making good choices to reach the goals they set for themselves with our input. To that end, I have two who have finished college and one that is working in his field and the other is headed for grad school. My third is teaching English in
China (in between her soph and jr year of college) and my twins just are finishing their freshman year of college. Instilling confidence and courage as well as letting a child know you trust them to make good decisions is one of the most powerful tools a parent can use in my opinion, and good parents know what their kids are capable of. Hurray for us-who look for the balance and help our kids to become responsible, capable adults.
Thankyou. I am glad to see a mom helping transition her son to become a man. If I meet one more 18+ year old boy I am going to scream.
newsflash! this is the way kids are reared in the real world. guess what? they’re just fine.
Lenore, good for you, and good for your adorable son! I know my fourth-grader would have loved that kind of independence. I like to think of myself as a good mom: My boys wear helmets when biking, they are strapped tight in car seats or seat belts, they have never been left unattended in the car while I run a quick errand. Those things are precautions every parent should take. But then there are the gray areas in which you have to know if your child can handle the situation. We live in a lovely, though large, suburban town. Here is one thing that has confuzzled me since my kids started elementary and taking the school bus: parents wait with their children at the school bus stop. I’m not talking one or two parents with kindergarteners; I mean all of the parents, all of the time, every morning. I mean 10 and 11 year-olds. I can see the bus stop from my living room window; it’s just across the sleepy, no-outlet, street. And the only reason that I also go out there to wait with my kids is because if I don’t, I’m sure I will be talked about. If I can’t wait there because of an appointment or because I have to get to work earlier, I feel like I have to ask permission: “Would it be okay with you if I left my boys here?” The answer is, “Sure, we’ll watch them.” Watch them? Watch them do what? Stand and wait? I don’t think anything will happen to any of these kids if none of us were out there with them. My biggest concern is that one of them misses the bus because he’s up in a tree, or playing hide-and-seek. I never had my parents at the bus stop, and I felt sorry for my schoolmates whose parents stuck around. The only time I wished my parents were there was when it was raining or freezing cold, and only then if they had a warm, dry car for me to wait in. I could go on about this subject, but I commend you for knowing that your son was resourceful enough to make the trip home. I do not think you were gambling with his life. Perhaps tomorrow morning will be the start of something new for me: Give them hugs at the back door and say, “See you when you get home!” I’m pretty sure they can find the bus-stop across the street.
Hello, I just found this website by accident and I found it refreshing! Imagine…letting kids do stuff by themselves….absolutley absurd. (please not the sarcasm)
As an adult who has worked in child care and education for the past 10 years, I have seen my fair share of paranoid parents. Whenever the question of safety came up, I always asked them the question `Is it really more dangerous or does the media report it more?` Despite parents agreeing with me, they would still coddle their kids….their kids, their choice.
As a 7 year old child, I remember walking to and from school everyday. I remember my friends and I building forts in the woods, bicycling to the local pool, going to the convenience store and yes, even making my own lunch. I remember those years well and enjoyed them.
I live in Japan now and it is very much the same as I remember my childhood. Children walk to school by themselves, do things on their own, bicycle around town with their friends. Even though a lot of them do get coddled at home, once they are outside, they`re on their own. (some have self phones, which I think is stupid)But parents do not get into other parents faces about how they raise their kids and I think that is an important note to take.
Anyways, keep up the good work. Let kids be kids. The most well behaved, socially adept, street saavy kids I`ve ever met are the ones who`s parents don`t coddle them. (I like the name of your website too)
Bruno
As a father of 3(13,4,1), I am completely FOR teaching kids independence. Is the world a harsher place today than it was 26 years ago when I was 10 years old? Absolutely. Will this world magicly become a better place once todays kids are adults? Absolutely not. And what awaits all these sheltered children raised by overprotective parents? Often, failure. At a minimum, an almost certain lack of leadership abilities and the cavalier spirit that drives most great achievements in life. Teach them safety, teach them to think on their feet. Teach them what to look for and why, as well as how to react if they feel they are in danger. Independence, pride in one’s self, and self confidence simply cannot be learned any other way than through life experience.
Love this blog! I’m 22 and won’t be having kids for a while, but this hits so close to home it hurts. At age 12 I wasn’t allowed to walk up the block to my tutor. UP THE BLOCK. I couldn’t even be in the front yard by myself and for the longest time just taking a walk by myself was cause for a fight. I learned to be selective about telling my mom where I was going because to her, anywhere with parallel parking instead of parking lots is a :”dangerous area” To be fair, if my dad had his way we would have been much more “free range. And also we didn’t have much censorship in terms of what we could read or watch or listen to, it was just the actual “going outside” part the my mom was overprotective about. But it did have the effect of making me that much more eager to go out on my own and never want to move back home (geez I hope I’m not making my mom out to be some kind of monster, we really do get along much better that i moved out) and much more unsentimental about childhood, even though there were a lot of other factors contributing to THAT! And another thing with the bullies, I was always told to just ignore it, never fight back ever, but it didn’t stop shit, i just let those assholes walk all over me. And that wasn’t my mom’s doing so much as the message we got from school and everywhere else with dealing with bullies, to always ignore it, never fight back. Bleh. To quote Bill Watterson, people who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children
I live in a small town in Southern California and have 5 children. Anyone who knows them would call them free range kids. The 14 and 10 year old ride their bikes to the library and park. The 9 year old rides her bike close to home and the 6 year old and 4 year old regularly pack a lunch and walk around the block to eat.
They know how to obey traffic laws, be aware of strangers and ask for help.
Their mother and I talk about their liberties and ask questions about what they do.
While agree that it’s important to teach children self reliance, it’s also vital to teach them street smarts. In short, wisdom.
I grew up in NYC in the late 60’s early 70’s with both parents working, I walk to and from school and even came home for lunch. Our dentist was in Manhattan and if I had a dental appointment I would take the train to Manhattan from Queens walk the two blocks and have my teeth clean or a filling done. (Those were the days when doctors saw minors without needing the parents.) I live in NJ and when my son who now in college was growing up we took him into NY alot, to teach him a sense of street smarts. By time he was 14 he was taking public transportation (learn to read train schedules) into NYC to visit friends he had made from summers at Boy Scout Camps.
If we don’t start giving our children freedom as they are growing up they do not learn responsiblity,self awareness and self reliance to become a functioning adult.
Now that he is at school, I am proud that my son knows how to be on his own.
Free range kids= <change of OBESITY AND DIABETES!!! HOORAY FOR THE OUTDOORS and play time
I have to say that I have raised two boys, free range, and one girl that I hate to let out of my sight. But it has to be different with each child. My beautiful daughter is autistic. She is very happy-go-lucky and way too trusting as we learned when she was just 6 years old. Nothing bad happened but it was too close a call.
I think that the parent has to judge what and when is a good time to let the child branch out on their own, even just for a trip a block away to a friends. I think that parents in general understand but over-fear their childs limitations. And it can be a daunting reality to have to deal with your own at the same time. Safety is always an issue. But knowing when to let go even a little bit is and always will be a hard issue.
I cannot knock the parent that lets their child ride the subway home. I can trust ( hope ) that that person is responsible and wise enough to know their own child and judge whether he or she is mature and responsible enough to handle it.
It is after all the parents who should make the decisions for their kids. They are the ones who SHOULD know them best right !
In my case I have a fear of driving. Well more like being in a car. By the time I was 10 years old I had been in two accidents and witnessed 3 others including a decapitation of someone on the way home from school. I never realized just how badly my fears had affected my kids until my son went for his license.
I now know just how many phobias parents can instill on their kids without even knowing. But I also know that we as parents need to judge kids as individuals.
Julia
people be reasonable! theres a lot of gray between always hovering 2 ft away and giving your kid a map, a twenty and your most sincere best wishes- allowing a child of that age that much freedom is neglect but it doesn’t mean you have to be a helicopter parent there are lots of age appropiate freedoms that can be allowed and these can be increased as the child masters each new responsibility because thats what children are- responsibilities- I agree with the woman who cites laziness as a motivator for this so called movement!
It strikes me that what this is really about is losing the fear of our neighbors and neighborhoods. Instead we can just take a chance and trust each other and the world with our kids a bit. It’s better for them, us, and our community.
Thank you! I have a 15 month old…may she be free range!!!!
lol @ the idea that parental laziness is behind this. Heres a clue, since not everyone has one:
An irresponsible parent is an irresponsible parent. period. free range or busy-body meddler.
Free range, I think, is about actively TEACHING children independence. Talking to them, setting limits, yes, but expanding those limits as far is appropriate for the child. being INTERACTIVE with your child.
Its not like this lady pointed towards the subway and just wished him well. He was familair with the subway system, he obviously wanted to do this and felt he was perfectly capable because he dint have a wetnurse hovering over him his whole life.
People follow leaders. They just kill and eat sheep. Where do you want your child to fall?
What a joy to have found this site full of kindred spirits! I have been concerned for years now that we are raising an entire generation who have no idea how to think for themselves, mediate a dispute, or realistically assess a risk because there has been an adult present every moment of their lives to do these things for them. My family is fortunate to live in a neighborhood where the kids can and do just “go out and play” — unaccompanied and unsupervised by adults, exploring their corner of the world, making up their own games and rules, settling their own disputes … in other words, learning some of the life skills that many of their helicopter-parented peers are clearly and sadly lacking. My 9-year-old is perfectly comfortable staying home alone for an hour or so, and I’ve recently “hired” my 12-year-old to be my housekeeper. If they’re ever to become functioning adults, kids need to build confidence through self-reliance and experience the pride that comes from real accomplishment. What they don’t need is to have their precious “self-esteem” shored up with feel-good trophies and ribbons just for showing up, Mommy hovering anxiously in the background, at their weekly round of adult-organized and -mediated activities.
I was raised in a “Free Range” environment as well as most of my friends, in an affluent middle class neighborhood. I had all the freedom I needed to “explore” and “learn” many different things.
In the 70’s, at the age of 13, I was allowed to ride my bike and/or walk to my friends houses on the other side of town any time I wanted, and to partake in sex, drugs, alcohol, any time I wanted. Having the ability and the freedom to experience whatever I wanted, any time I wanted, at the age 13, was great. Since I was very clever to hide all of my unsupervised drug use and open sex, my parents, nor did my friends parents have a clue what we were doing. Most importantly though, I didn’t have a clue, of the circumstances of the choices I was making at a very early age. Life was great……I thought.
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Fab website!
I raised my daughter this way….22 years ago. Of course I protected her, but I did not ‘coddle’ her!
She is now strong, independant, smart and classy!
She is currently touring South East Asia on her own…making great new friends and planning to come home to attend Teacher’s College.
I believe in allowing children to falter and fail early in life…so that they learn consequences. I also believe in allowing them to see, early in life, how capable and competent they are.
Cheers!
Susan
Here is slightly different perspective on this topic. Although I am single with no children, I am a businessman who has hired well over 1,000 people over the past 25 years, primarily “first time in the professional workplace” people – early 20’s.
It is amazing how completely unprepared young adults are today to deal in the workplace compared to 20 years ago.
My personal feeling is that this is a attributable to the way in which many of them were raised. Many new employees today exhibit a lack of development regarding basic judgement/decision making, lack of responsibility (excessive absenteeism, poor work ethic), and finally a sense of entitlement (ie, I as the employer owe them – I should be grateful if they just show up).
Obviously I support the concept of Free Range Kids – but what I think should not really matter. Each parent should be entitled to making these decisions on their own.
If those parents who feel that every waking moment of little Johnnie’s childhood needs to be planned, protected, catered to, etc. so that Johnnie will be less prepared to deal with the real world, that is their choice. However, they should mind their own business about how other people choose to raise their children (obvious exceptions to this regarding abuse, basic safety, malnutrition, etc.).
What happened to this country’s ability to “agree to disagree”? Can’t we just all start minding our own business?
Awesome!
My oldest, began babysitting a couple times a week, at age 11, for a family of 3, in the next building over. Next child at age 9 began riding the bus, from the stop 1/2 mile from our house, to her grandparents, so she could watch ball games on TV with her grandpa.
I realize, not Everyone lives in ‘safe’ neighborhoods. But, most of us do. We must choose to live where we are comfortable and then allow our children the oppurtunity to experience life and adventure and success. I cringe when I hear mothers tell how they must take thier 12 year old to the store with them, because they won’t leave the child at home unattended. At age 12, Can’t the child go to the store FOR the mother?
Could you pick a different word than “Free Range’. These are kids not turkeys! Of course I suppose you treating them the same way. MORONS!
We have 5 children, all independant, hard working and law abiding. We have been strict in some ways, and in other ways a bit relaxed. Ages 17 to 22. We stress honesty and the importance of rules and order. Eductaions is important, self respect, and love of family and friends. And they are allowed to make mistakes. The most important skill we’ve imparted has been to simply think about what your doing and the consequences associated with your actions (we have 3 girls…right!). Our kids are watchful and sensible. We don’t have a map, or instructions on raising kids. You are hardly the worlds worst mom. You love your child, and if he shares his days adventures and challenges honestly, then your doing it right! Although sometimes I bite my lip, let the kids talk, let them grow and hold their hands when its needed. I have a feeling you doing it for his benefit. We wish the best!
We only have our children for 18 years, like it or not. We parents do the best that we can. Enjoy the wonder years when the children are young. Too soon, they join us in adulthood. Don’t forget to laugh! Life is hard enough, and before you know it, you are taking care of your elders! Enjoy your children…..
I am so very excited to see this is finally a topic being brought to the forefront. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to hold my tongue when friends or co-workers get into conversations about the kids and how protective they are over them. Little Background. I am a mother of 4 and I am a Radio Dispatcher for the Police Department. I hear the news before it is news. I know the horror stories that happen on a daily business around my city and it scares me to death that my children are even around it. Does that make me lock them all up in a safe room.. NO WAY! How can we spend our lives living in fear of all around us. If we do everything for our children and lead them around on a rope, seen or unseen, how will they be able to ever do things for themselves. Two co-workers of mine were talking about how it takes so much time taking their kindergartner to school due to having to get out of the car and walk them into school and wait for them to get into class. I had to pipe in and say “can’t you just let him out of the car, wave good by and go after he is thru the gate?” Well let me tell you I have opted to keep my mouth shut after that. I was chastised for the thought and when I told them that I have always done that with my children the glares were ice and that was the end of that conversation. I have to think that these are also the same type of children who don’t get dressed by themselves and don’t know how to cook or clean up either. I don’t mean cook a three corse meal but being independent and having the ability enough to do things on their own such as make a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, get dressed, put the items they need in a bag and head out the door all by 8 in time for the first bell to ring. Well I am very glad to see that my husband and I are not alone and that when our children are grown and on their own they will not be the only responsible independent group out there.. There will be others within their generation that were taught independence. Kudos to all working to keep the apron strings short. Oh and for those who might still be reading this and disagree.. I am a survivor of the “latch key” kids! from Kindergarten on. I survived crossing busy city streets, scary alley ways, quiet naborhoods and city busses. Your kids will too.
We are living in Switzerland but we are from the East coast of the US. Here, children as young as 4 are expected to walk to Kindergarten BY THEMSELVES! Parents can escort them for the first few weeks, but then they are on their own! All K kids have orange safety scarves and the rules of crossing at crosswalks is taught well.
Of course, I was aghast the first time I saw little ones walking to school by themselves! My eldest was going to 1st class (grade) and I walked her to and from school daily…with her younger siblings in the jogging stroller! But kids here have wacky school schedules; morning classes from 8 to 11:45 and then they walk home to lunch. The kids only return to afternoon school twice a week (for small group instruction) from 1:45 to 3:30. This was a lot of walking!
Now that we have been here for 1 1/2 years, my eldest is starting to resist the “escort” to school! We compromised: she is escorted to the main road and then I watch her cross (at the crosswalk). She then rides her scooter by herself to school on the residential streets.
Did I ever expect myself to allow this? No, but here the kids are expected to grow up and experience life. But as my twins approach Kindergarten in the fall, you can bet they will have a shadow! 🙂 8 years vs 4 is quite a difference but I am seeing how this can help my children. Tschuss!
I used to be a scared over protective mother, then I moved to Germany. Kids there (I lived in 2 different locations in Bavaria, a village and a city) were given a lot of freedom. I observed that as they grew they rose to the challenge of being responsible for their actions. Frist graders that were trusted to ride the city bus to school (with transfers) became first graders that could be trusted to responsibly handle riding the city bus to school. All the adults kept an eye on the kids to make sure they were ok.
Now I live in Cyprus and I still allow my children (ages 9,10 and 12) a lot of freedom. They have a cell phone in case they need anything or I need to tell them something. But I trust them to be responsible for their behavior and to use their brains when it comes to dealing with the people they come in contact with.
If we ever move back to the States it will probably depend on where we live as to whether or not I will continue to allow my children to have free range.
-DeAnn
I wanted to add that I grew up extrememly free range. I lived on a cattle ranch in California and my sister and I used to leave the house in the morning and roam the hills for hours. We wouldn’t come home until we got hungry. All my mother knew was that we were somewhere on the ranch.
-DeAnn
I am 100% FOR-Free Range Kids!!! Children need freedom and responsibility. I was raised to be independent and socially responsible. Growing-up I was expected to help out around the house (i.e. cook, clean, take care of my younger sister and brother, get-up and go to school, etc). My parents taught me the VALUE of responsible choices. The more responsible I was the more freedom I was given (i.e. I was traveling around Europe without my parents before I was even 15yrs old).
At 30yrs old (no children) I see lazy children with no responsibility. My friends will do everything for their children and demand nothing. I think it is pretty sad. They are afraid to let their children out of their sight for fear that something will happen. I believe we are making mountains out of mole hills. If you are raising responsible children and the child is aware of what IS expected and what is NOT allowed then there is no need for fear. Independence should not be a topic that is introduced when the child is going off to college.
I am an American who married a Swede and moved abroad to Sweden in 1982. Our 4 children were born there and lived there untill 1999. The Swedes raise their to be independent and responsible. Children bike or walk every day to school and activities. At 10 they no longer have day care after school and let themselves into their homes. Teenagers are taught to be responsible by being given responsibility. When my oldest was 13 she went on a school trip from our little village in Sweden to Stockholm the capital city. The teacher turned them loose and told them to come back in 3 hours and they did. Since this time we have lived in the United States again. My 13 year old had a nose bleed in a park on an outdoor day with the school two blocks from our home. She was not allowed to walk home alone to change her clothes! I had to come an get her. Since I believe that my children are good people I have given them responsibility since a young age appropriate to their ages. I have increased responsibility as they have aged. When my children were 15, 13, 8, and 7, I left them to take care of themselves (with a responsible adult to call in an emergency) in Southlake TX when my husband and I traveled to Brussels Belgium to choose our new home as we were moving. They did well with no troubles. I have left them alone many more times since then and have never had any trouble with them because I expected the best and got the best. They call me when I am out of town and ask if friends can come over. I say yes because I trust them, male or female friends. They have lived up to the trust everytime. I have not had any problems with alcohol, drug or sex abuse. My friend in the US still have baby sitters when she is out of town and her children are 19, 22, and 14!
I send my children to Brussels to visit when we lived in the US again. My children then 13 and 15 took the train alone from Bussels in Belgium to Toulon in France. They had no problems. Europeans laugh at the over protective parents in the US. Children in Europe are treated with respect and given responsibility and not treated as idiots or babies when they are well past that age. Americans need to wake up and see that their children are good and treated as such. Allow them to be everything that they can be.
I made a typo in my previous comment. My friend’s children who cannot be left alone when mom is out of town are 19, 22, and 24! Unbelievable
You say “We believe in helmets, car seats and safety belts.” Why? We didn’t have any of them when I was a kid and I’m OK.
Maybe it’s because things change?
If you feel comfortable letting your kid run around a large city unsupervised, go for it! But I’ll have no sympathy for you if he gets abducted.
Helicopter parents are everywhere.
I live in the country on a dead end dirt road. My friend will drive her daughter down the street and come and pick her up for play dates. Because it is too far for her precious little poopsie to walk in such a dangerous hood.
It is four houses away. About 1/2 mile . On a dead end street in bumfarkville with only7 houses on the street. ( and everyone knows everyone and 60 % of the people on our road are gone all day at work.)
When my kids are at her house, I just call down there and tell her to punt them my direction. Even if it is mostly dark. And she drives them home every time.
The next generation will be called the Pussy Generation.
Oh, and it is my sister in law.
YAY FOR ME!
One more bragging item I would like to add:
My kids are responsible for getting themselves up, dressed, lunches packed, book bags in order and proper outside clothing.
They are 10 and 8, and have been doing this for 2 years and it came out of the fact I was recovering from a major illness and had major dizziness issues, leaving me exhausted all the freaking time. I gave them jobs to do and – shocking-they did it. I saw no reason to discontinue their independence.
Theoretically, I could sleep in if it wasn’t for all the fun stuff called Sibling Rivalry and Hey, Let’s Annoy The Cat!!! ( Oh, I have a job, too.)
Yes, they have gone to school ill prepared for the weather or a forgotten lunch, but I do not bring anything up to them. They grab needed warmer wear or boots from Lost and Found so they can go outside ( returning them to the bin after school.) or they borrow the $ needed for Hot Lunch and then pay back the next day.) They each have only had one phone call home regarding things they forgot in all the years of school. Each time they’ve been told to plan better next time. ( we are 7 miles from school.) If they forget homework, then I charge them one dollar for a delivery service. AS I drive a truck that gets 14 MPG-we are free range, not total hippie – this delivery charge may have to go up in price.
Great site — too many nervous Nellie type moms (and dads) are raising a generation of powderpuffs with eggshell psyches. Keep it up. BTW, my kids leave the house in the morning and I sometimes don’t see them until dinnertime. They also can fix their own meals if they need to (7 & 8 yo, know how to open a can and use a microwave oven).
I am so glad you are here, promoting childhood. I am a photographer who loves children and has come to loathe taking pictures of kids because their parents can’t leave them alone. The adults correct, admonish, and praise over nothing. So many children who can barely speak for themselves- but should be able to do it in three languages because of all their afterschool programs. I know it’s hard to be a parent. But turn off the television and let your kids learn how to make something. Worries about the kid hammering their finger or the inconvience of a trip to the doctor are far outweighed when your child feels the pride of standing on their own step stool or eating the first tomato they grew. Hooray for intrisic motivation and kids who can solve problems because of trial and error!
I grew up the only child of a very over protective mother in the 1970’s. I was still allowed to ride my bike around and be gone all day Saturday and Sunday as long as I made it home for dinner. I was allowed to do this because I had to report in from which ever friend’s house I stopped at or where ever my bike took me as long as there was a phone.
I had to earn my parents’ trust that I was paying attention to the world around me and that I could handle being out and about without them to safeguard me. That trust was earned in steps.
Is Free Ranging for every kid? No, there’s going to be kids that are future Darwin Awards. Some it’s their own fault, some it’s their parents’ fault and some (sadly) it’s not their fault but someone’s design. Is this going to happen to every kid? No, barely one in a thousand will have something bad happen to their be it accident or otherwise. To tether the entire herd because one calf has a habit of straying has been the mantra for the last couple of decades. Probably because it’s easier than actually doing a full job of parenting along side the person’s other responsibilities, numerous or few they may actually be.
I’m going to be a father of my first child soon and I have EVERY intention to make sure my child has a childhood as good as mine if not better…as long as he earns it a step at a time.
As a new father of a 4 month old, I have been giving my philosophy on parenting a lot of thought lately. I think I fall pretty squarely in the free range camp. I want to model my son’s experiences after my own childhood experiences, and I ahd a lot of freedom.
I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and walked to school by myself (or with the neighbor girl) from kindergarten on. In 4th grade (I guess I was 8 or 9?), I was allowed to walk to our suburb’s downtown area, over 1.5 miles away, to buy comic books or baseball cards. I could walk to my friends houses for lunch on school days. I would yell at my mom “I’m going out” and then be lost in the neighborhood for hours with friends.
What has changed from then to now? Are cities and suburbs more dangerous? No. Are kids less capable? No. What I think has changes is our sense of community and the degree to which we know our neighbors.
When I was a kid, my family knew every other family on our blocks (we had a corner house) and many families on the surrounding blocks. If I got in trouble, usually my mom knew about it before I even got home because of everyone knew everyone and they certainly knew my mom.
These days, I don’t think people know or trust their neighbors anymore, at least not the way they used to, and that is why some parents are afraid to let their kids play outside, explore and be a kid.
I am largely for free range parenting. The one qualifier I have is that you can’t take a child whose parents haven’t allowed them to do ANYTHING or taught them to do ANYTHING and let them free to try to do EVERYTHING. But it’s somewhat of a moot point since the likelihood of that happening is slim to none.
You can’t put the kids in bubble wrap their entire life and then expect them to be well-adjusted, functioning, succesful, yes, thriving adults merely as a result of their birthdate saying they ARE an adult.
Likewise, you can’t simply re-direct and pacify children their entire lives and then expect them to be able to handle rejection, hurt feelings or the potential for the word *gasp* NO to be heard. Adults have to be able to handle the hard times and the times when things don’t go our way because our employers, our friends, our neighbors, our lives aren’t going to bend around our wants and needs and fragile psyches. Children need to be given the freedom and independence to experience life so that they can learn from those experiences and build upon them to use later as adults.
I am raising what you call a ‘free range kid’ and know I am doing it right because the Bible tells me so. Kids are not meant to be helicoptered over – it robs them of their ability be independent and become successful, happy adults.
The art of ‘child rearing’ has been lost to the idea of ‘parenting’, and it is compromising this generation and the future of our society.
My kids (18 and 17 years old) have been raised free range and are sturdy, dependable, independent, confident young men. At around 14, I began to let them choose when and how much to study, with whom to hang out, outside interests, etc. I’ve always taught “safety, not fear.” By letting them go, in a sense, they are very much closer to me somehow. Our shared love and respect is a constant blanket of comfort around me. Ironically, when our older son went to college, I greived terribly, and still do to a degree that I’m thinking is not quite healthy. But — I force myself not to be a “hover mother.” I call once weekly for a brief conversation and email him two or three times per month. I never let him see my sadness. He knows me to be capable and strong, just as I have raised him. I am dealing with my concerns without weighing him down. Since his birth, I have said, “I will give this child wings; I will not break him.” That is how we live, and it is a great honor to be in these relationships with my kids.
Thanks for your site here! I let my 7 and 5 yr lod take a five minute walk aroud the block and was told by family that I should NEVER let them out of my site! I thought it was reasonable in our gated community but others did not. We just need to keep praying for our kids and use good judgement.
I’ll leave the same comment here that I left on a friend’s blog, where I first heard about this site:
I agree with so much of what you said, but this is a hard one for me. When I was a kid, one of my playmates who lived about a mile from me was abducted on her way home from the bus stop. She was molested and tortured for a week before they tied her to a tree in the woods, where she died of exposure. They still don’t know who did it. She was nine years old.
The thing about kids is they think they’re invincible. They just don’t think about certain things or pay attention to them. I’ve tried really hard to teach my niece & my little sister to be vigilant w/o making them scared to leave the house. It’s a fine line.
Thing is, pinkladybugs, that horrible as it is, it happens anyhow…even to kids whose parents watch over them intrusively. Educating kids is far more helpful than locking them away. The truth of the matter in anything regarding personal safety for yourself or others, is that ignorance of reality kills faster than anything else.
How prepared for dealing with the realities of the world, do you think kids are if they are swaddled and kept ignorant, and never allowed to learn to rely on themselves and THINK? Much as we’d like to see it never happen, some will fall victim to predators – and that’s adults as well as kids. The persons least-likely to fall victim, are the ones who are street-smart enough to be alert and know what to do and when. You won’t get street-smart and wise kids by keeping them under supervision 24-7.
I’m a Mom of 4 here, in a (leafy!) suburban community near Boston, age 34 – kids are 14 (High School), 10, 9 and 8.
Kudos to you for making the “Free Range” parenting style being named and recognized! Life is about balance…it’s undeniable. We (my husband and I) are raising our kids to have logic, common sense and instinct be as vital as traditional scholastic education, and “Free Range” skills are imperative for raising “thinking” children.
As requested, I’m including a note about one of the key elements that we consider another aspect of this. Making your elementary-and-up “own it”. Kids in our relatively “over-privileged ” community aren’t required to really OWN the consequences for actions. Accident or otherwise, when you, oh, say BREAK the neighbors window with a baseball, you (the child!) need to A) Apologize face-to-face to the owner and B) figure out what contribution you can make toward resolution of the problem.
How many kids are really put to the test of “owning it”? My 8 yr old broke a window this week…he’s not only gone over and formally apologized for it to the home-owner, but will financially contribute to rectifying it. It isn’t a punishment, as it was a sincere fly-ball accident, but just because it is Right to do.
Again, Kudos to you…thanks for making this connection for so many who feel that honing the skill of instinct and panic-less thinking a valuable tool in raising children!
Very cool site. I grew up free range, and so did my dh, but when our dd was 2 we lost her at a crowded flea market. Fortunately, an older couple that we had chatted with earlier spotted her and took care of her until we located her.
But my dh was TRAUMATIZED. Our dd is 9 yo now, and he still panics occasionally when he can’t see her or know exactly where she is. He is making progress back to free range parenting though, and I am sure your site will provide some needed perspective and encouragement.
I love it! I raised a free range kid. She’s 20 now. By 5 she was riding public ferry boats alone, by seven she was taking the trains between Seattle and Portland, by 15 she was skipping off to exotic international locations by herself, in some instances with no adult to meet her on the other side and staying in hotels or hostels with a friend or alone.
It’s all about how you train them, how you teach them techniques for being safe and making good street smart decisions. Rather than teaching them how to look out for boogey-men, I taught my child how to profile potentially safe people, and keep herself near them.
I think part of the problem is that we don’t teach kids how to look for safe people; today, they’re taught that everyone and every stranger is a bad guy, when that’s just not true. If you turn a kid loose who believes that every stranger is a boogie man, that child will find themselves separated from the people that could potentially be useful to them in a crisis, AND it makes them a target cowering over there in the corner trying to not be seen.
This site is great! And I think it’s a message that needs to be broadcasted. I’m really really tired of fearful parents who coddle their children.
I think it’s kind of interesting that people here are saying that free range parents are lazy. So many people on this board have said “I know I’m probably smothering my kid, but it’s too hard and scary for me to let them out of my sight.” That’s lazy too. There’s nothing easy about turning your treasured young one loose on the world and trusting that it will be ok. Anyone who has watched their teenager drive away alone in the car for the first time knows that…
It’s time to turn off the news & get out there & meet the people in our community.
It takes a village, so let’s build one.
Let’s meet one another & ALL look out for everyone’s kids so that they are safe to wonder where ever they wish.
I think this is the key to the “childhood of yesterday”…Xxx
Lenore, I am not sure if you are having doubts at times from all the bashing you are going through. But I want to tell you in many ways you have NOT done a bad thing. Time is short but I will be back to write more of my thoughts. But one thought I wish to express is you are doing much to prepare your child for the nasty world many other kids are not prepared to meet. Way to go.
At nearly 66, I feel like I’ve seen a lot of stuff! Kids need a broad range of experiences – and a broad range of success experiences ON THEIR OWN – in order to grow up considering themselves to be competent. To think they can be successful. They learn to be successful by being successful. They learn to problem solve by solving problems. Pieces of brain come together this way.
The current trend of wrapping kids in cotton batting and never letting them get into a situation in which they have to use their wits to get out. Maybe that’s why young people aren’t leaving home on time anymore. I don’t know. But I do know we need to use muscles in order to build them up, and we need to use our brains in order to build them up. And that includes building up our wits.
Our 2 boys are most certainly ‘free range’. They are now nearly 14 and 18, and are far more capable and independent than I ever was at that age. At 53 I am still more timid in public than they are. Not that I was overprotected, but I was never made to believe in my own power. Yes, there are more worries today than our parents had to deal with. But they had more worries than their parents. I believe it is in the way we bring our kids up. Ours are confident, level headed and responsible. We believe in their ability to handle themselves. Yes, we all have cell phones, which helps. But our boys use them more to update changes in plans or ask permission than for ‘tracking devices’. Our ‘secret’ if there is one is simple. We do our best to arm our boys with common sense, give them the tools to function out in the world, then have faith that we’ve done our best and let them venture out. So far they have not let us down, and when faced with crisis, have handled themselves admirably.
Good for you! I have 3 children that are growing up self sufficient, independant and with tons of self esteem. My job is to teach them skills to use for life…am I ever concerned-yes, but not to the point of paralysis. Thanks for raising the level of awareness on this.
I am a child myself, –well more so of a young adult but still– and I was raised in a Free Range way.
I agree from my point of veiw, in this way of raising kids. Though, when I go out, my mother still tells me to call.
True, this factor does annoy me, but at the end of the day, I understand her reason.
I read a comment of a person saying that their siblings were killed due to a lack of rules. I’m sure that every parent that allows their children to be Free Range does atleast, give a set of rules or boundries.
Or, at the very least, trusts that their kids have sense enough to know what not to do. Not saying anything to be cruel to this particular commenter.
Just thought I’d put in a comment from my point of veiw.
We are always and everywhere parents, of our own children and everyone else’s. Children become healthy adults, able to make decisions (even unhealthy ones, they’re the best teachers), useful to their communities and society by learning how, in the safety and secutiry of their homes, schools and communities. What does that mean? It depends. Some homes and families aren’t safe, some schools aren’t, as well as some communities. To negotiate the perils of each environment, children need to practice. First it’s how to boil water, then how to cook and bake. Same with anything your are learning. Start with the easy stuff under strict supervision, then, as the child grows and enters each developmental stage that allows cognitive advances, the more difficult and comlicated tasks. Children cannot tie their own shoes at 1 year old, but might be able to at 5. Learning skills takes time and practice. I’m sure the 4th grader who rode the subway home had ridden the subway before with his parent, knew the stops, was aware of his neighborhood, etc. This action did not happen in a vacuum. My twin daughters say they never knew a day without community service, volunteering for all kinds of things, from helping elderly neighbors with their lawn raking to marching in protests against various u.s. military invasions over the years. They are now 27, civically engaged, still volunteering regularly, for issues of their own choosing, able to think critically and make decisions as well as able to learn from mistaken ones. But I’m still their mother and available to help, offer advice (only when asked) and rescue when needed. Every parent must figure this out on their own depending upon their own circumstances. My parents left us siblings on our own WAY TOO MUCH with too many and too difficult responsibilities too early in our lives, this led to insecurities and anxieties. But what I learned from my own childhood is that responsibility for self needs to be gradual and continual, with a parent or caring adult there every step of the way to offer guidance, security, support and, whenever necessary, intervention. We chose to have at least one parent at home, even through the teen years, while my parents both worked outside the home from a few days after our births. We got into way to much conflict and danger and as a result have had to do a lot of work as adults to repair the damage.
I think this is a great idea i have a son who is a month old but i already started this in a way, I’ve noticed that almost no one anymore lets the babies lay on the floor and kick and move, many of my friends who have babies about the same age, and they hold them almost 24/7. And i was raised that way to in first grade i was allowed to walk 8 or 9 blocks to school every day and then walk home, both my parents worked full time and my brother went to a different school so i was responsable for myself from about 6 15 in the morning till i went to school and then till about 4 30 after school. and come to find out i gave my mom quite a few scares cuz i would stop by a friends after school before i called her…oooops but i was fine and i plan on my son growing up the same way. i cant fine a good enough reason to be overprotective.
My kids (now 20, 19 and 17) were raised Free-Range almost more by accident than by design.
Income- wise and geograhpically, we are working class people. We have never had two cars, and cable and gaming systems have never been in the budget. Our house is, while not tiny, small in camparison to houses of today’s standards. They grew up with public transportation and “Go outside!”. So at the age of 8 or 9, they knew their way around, could make a transaction at the market half a mile away, get to the library, and choose to walk to school.
Were ther nerve racking moments? Sure. But you know what? They are amongst the most well rounded, socially aware kids in the neighborhood.
And they never leave the house without the priceless advice of “Look both ways, and don’t run with sharp sticks”.
THANK YOU.
How can we expect children to grow into independent, critically thinking adults if we don’t let them practice?
Kudos to all who give their children some sense of independence that does not include Guitar Hero. When we don’t let our kids prove that they can do something without being followed and protected, we perpetuate the fear factor that is so prevelent in American culture. The media and the government have done such a wonderful job of promoting fear that we have a society where people are afraid of everything and everyone.
I am the mother of 9 children. My youngest daughter is 12. My oldest is 33. My children can bike, walk to school, go downtown (in pairs) and play night games with their neighborhood friends. I am a Free Range Parent. My children do not have the invisible umbilical cord known as the cell phone. They just have to let me know where they are going and we set times of contact.
Here’s the amazing news. Six of my children have reached adulthood and the other three, who are 17, 14 and 12 are still alive and unscathed. They also have a sense of a world that is not all frightening and full of bad people, as they know that most of those they meet are really good and if they need something, I am reachable and there are many other adults who will pitch in and help.
We need to emphasize good in our children’s lives, as if we do not, we will perpetuate the fear factor, which is what keeps all Americans suppressed.
I wonder how many over protective parents let their children watch inappropriate movies?
Maggie T
After reading this article, I found myself wondering how in the world I became so paranoid?? My childhood, the youngest of 5, (I’m 40 now), was spent riding my bike to school, spending hours riding around the neighborhood, hanging out at the park, going to the mall. Yes, I remember a few times where someone made me feel uncomfortable, but I just learned to walk away. We used to play hide & seek that encompassed several suburban blocks, running through yards etc. My mom used to unplug the TV in the summer, told us it was broke and to go outside and play.
I have a son, who is 16. I can look back and realize I was one of the over protective, paranoid of every stranger. My son never learned fight or flight.. he never learned to make a decision for himself. I was always right there, believing that I knew better than he did, what to do. Why??? I think the way society has changed in general. Parents are afraid to parent their children for fear of being called “abusive”. Schools have no control over the students and what is worse, the students know it. They have been taught to call the police when someone does something THEY think is unjustified.
I now regret how I raised my son. I should have let him get lost a little close to home. I should have let him make many of his own decisions. I should have let him touch the fire to get burned so he wouldn’t do it again. All of my “protecting” did nothing to stop him from trying pot and alcohol at 14. It didn’t stop him from getting picked up by the police for vandalism where he is now faced with $5000 in restitution, which I refuse to pay. Now, at 16, I am forcing him to suddenly grow up and accept his responsibilities and punishments when he was so coddled before, he never had to live through these things. I do regret what I did or didn’t do, but I am glad that I finally woke up to reality of letting my kid be a kid and being the parent I really should have been, not the one who was created by the paranoid society around me.
I applaud this mom who let her son ride the subway home alone. Why not?! Nothing happened. Yes it could have, yes she would have blamed herself for the rest of her life if somethind HAD happened. Who wouldn’t? Most parents do not willingly put their children in the path of danger, but it can happen and unfortunately, it can happen right in their own home.
Society, stop being over critical. Take a look at the generation of kids who will be running OUR future. What is it going to be like, when these over protected, paranoid kids are raised when they get out in the real world??
We, as a society, are wrong, in the way we pamper, protect and coddle our kids. We aren’t doing them, or us, any favors.
My mother taught me to walk to school when I was 9 and we were living in London, England. I applaud your “Free Range” approach. My sons are currently 17 and 21; I raised them in a rural environment so ‘free range’ was the norm. It was like growing up in Mayberry and both have Opie/Richie Cunningham qualities. I was more concerned about them riding a bike to school — it’s hard to cycle straight on our country lanes with no sidewalks and muddy edges, and country drivers are a wee bit lax about driving straight themselves.
My concern for my kids is that they didn’t develop the ‘street smarts’ that I did. They’re going out into the world with wonderful small-town values but not the intuitive protections that may better serve them as they begin to live on their own!
Congratulations to you! I fight this battle every day. I live in an incredibly safe, affluent neighborhood. My children and 9 and 11. The other mothers think I’m crazy because I let them walk back and forth to school alone – all of two blocks away!
My kids have been to town, about 2 miles away and left – horrors! – home alone.
I’m wondering if we can address how often ‘concern’ for kids safety serves as a mask for the continuing intrusion against our privacy and civil right.
For example, my daughter was, until recently, a Girl Scout. This year they have instituted a new policy – all the parents, for any level of participation, need to go get fingerprinted! All this in the name of protecting the children.
Has anyone out there had this experience with an organization?
Thank you, thank you, thank you. After watching for years as parents pad, helmet, leash, restrain, and otherwise protect their children from any possible injury or contamination, it is wonderful to find someone with a realistic approach to parenting. Don’t get me wrong, I believe kids should be protected, but to what length? There’s still the chance that a plane could fall from the sky and wipe out the house, school, or playground where they are playing. I rode a bike, sometimes dangerously fast and always without any protection, as did all of my friends. And, none of us died or were seriously injured. In fact, all of us grew up to be intelligent, successful adults.
I question the over-protective behavior of todays parents for many reasons, but one in particular is the softening effects. By “padding” our children to an extreme are parents causing them to become less able to deal with the cuts and bruises of daily life? And by constantly shadowing them are parents becoming a security blanket that may be hard to give up? How are children supposed to learn, experience, and grow when they are constantly tethered to a parent? Teach them, guide them, then let them free to use the knowledge and grow in to a more rounded and grounded child. They will be stronger and more independent for it. They will be able to deal with any situation, and find their way in the world. Teach them what to avoid, and then trust them to do so. Over-protection can only turn out weak, nervous, and frightened children who will have a harder time growing up because of it.
Also, I’d like to commend the poster from April 9th on their effective use of the English language in their intriguing statement of “Dumbass”. Very compelling, and well thought out argument.
Wow, what a breath of fresh air you are..! Sorry to hear you are getting alot of criticism from the give-your-kid-a-cell-phone set.
I am glad to see that there are others who, like me, believe that a few scars and stiches help turn children with life experience into adults less likely to be afraid because we are told to be afraid…
Just last week I was at wits end getting my 8-yr old to school (we ride bikes) on time. So, after a gentle time reminder and a warning that I would be leaving to get his 5-yr old sister (who’d gotten herself ready) to school on time, I left. He went ballistic screaming and crying…. he walked the 6 blocks to school carrying on like this (oh yes! I could hear him!). I dropped off his sis and met him at the corner of the school yard. He was still crying. I said, “Oh Will, I’m so sorry you’re late to school.” To which he replied, “I hate you! It’s all your fault!” “Oh, no, ” I replied, “it’s not. You knew the time and what you needed to accomplish. I’m not to blame. Do you want a ride the rest of the way.” He said yes and we talked as I pulled him in my bike trailer about how he would probably be the first one ready the next day and that I knew he could do it. I thought it a great learning experience. When I got home I had a phone call from a neighbor lady saying she had to call the police because I had left my son and he was heartbroken!!!! He’s EIGHT, we live in a RURAL Wyoming town, it was nearly SIXTY degrees out and he had SIX blocks to walk!!! If I dress him, feed him, and walk him out the door every morning HOW is he going to get to an eight o’clock class in college? Kudos to you! I let my kids roam all over (I generally know where they are every minute). I get criticized constantly, but my kids understand I don’t drive them – we ride bikes, they have some places they can’t go, they call to let me know if they are going to another place, etc. They can problem solve, they are strong, smart and responsible.
I am a single parent raising two daughters…..My daughters used to play a game- when it was too hot to play at the park- they would run home to thier babysitting grandparents and tell them that there was a suspicious looking guy parked outside fo the park, and he looked like a molester……….LOL This was a playground that was staffed with adult park leaders(including a kid I coached for three years) They did it twice before I found out about it………then I lowered the BOOM……..
Many years later, they admitted that it was just too hot and they wanted to watch a movie!!!
Yes, I codddle my daughters- but I do it to make ME feel good…………
There has to be a balance….
I have a kid and one on the way. My two year old boy is one of the climbing-est, problem-solving-est, and best developed kids in town. Seriously. Other kids his age (22 months) cannot do the things he does, from running, to jumping, to climbing, to putting his own toys away. He also has never fallen and hurt himself. Why? I think it is because of natural development. Kids, like all creatures, learn to act according to their capacity to act. As they get older, their new abilities are within their capibility. However, if we helicopter all around them and live their lives for them to save them from their “ouchies”, their capacities far exceed their abilities. Then they don’t know what to do with their new found powers and hurt themselves.
Please, let your children live. Do not rob them of their capacity to act and develope because of a mixture of fear and love. Trust your children. Trust the evolution that has gotten them to this point.
Personally, I think that hovering has to do with a sort of contempt for the human element. But that is another story.
I think taking the subway is an appropriate freedom for some 9 year olds, especially if there is a parent waiting for him at home. I believe this responsibility will build self confidence in a child who is mature enough. We live in a world where media coverage of every horrific event is constantly in your face, it creates paranoia. I have two boys one who is three, and he is just starting to be able to walk along side me in stores etc. I have a constant panic when we are out that the moment I look away from him he is going to be gone forever. It’s difficult to separate yourself from the headlines. I hope that when my children are school aged I can let them have their freedom which is so important!
I really think you are on to something.
We need to be teaching responsibility as much as preserving our kids safety. We need to need to teach our kids how to deal with failure and over come adversity as much as we need to instill in them a desire to suceed.
I SUPPORT YOU! Each parent has to decide what is best for their kids. At 10, I could stay at home by myself. But, I was not allowed to walk around our “neighborhood” until I was 13 because we lived along a very busy 4-to-6 lane highway. I was more likely to get ran over by a bus than get kidnapped or what ever your critics think could happen to your son. Kidnappers and pedophiles don’t just run up to kids, grab’em and sprint off. They lure. They set a trap. It could happen AND HAS HAPPENED right in the child’s front yard or home. If you teach your kid to be smart and SET GROUND RULES (as I am sure you do, like “Go straight home” or “Call me when you reach Billy’s”), you are teaching your kid SURVIVAL SKILLS that will be invaluable for them when they reach the age when society views them as “independent.” If you don’t let them fly a little bit on their own, when they reach the age when they are flying solo, they’ll be clueless naive dolts! I imagine a lot of people critical of you are people who don’t know the REAL NYC. They have a vilified image of Sin City in their heads KUDOS TO YOU! YOU ARE RAISING A SMART YOUNG MAN!
Wow! I’ve read a few comments. I didn’t think about the video game aspect of modern kids lives. Imagine how much smarter kids would be if parents turned off the games and told their kids, “Go outside. Stay within XXX blocks/streets/etc., but learn about your world!” Guitar Hero wont’ teach them sh-t about the real world. I mean, really, with cellphones, many have GPS, do you really have to worry about your kids? When I was 5, I lived in an LA suburb. I went outside in the AM and was told “Come home for lunch and before the street lights come on.” When I was 10, my family didn’t see me all day! I was running around our rural road, playing in the woods, playing tag, baseball, inventing a world tied to the natural world around me and learning how to interact with other kids older and younger than me.
No parenting approach is foolproof. On a sad note, when I was 16, a classmate killed an 8 year old girl. He was playing hide-n-seek with the other kids in his neighborhood (at this point, we didn’t live in the country). He was “weird” obviously, and I know he had a very rough childhood. CRITICS, please tell me which parent failed? The one who let their kid play outside or the one who messed up the 16 year old and turned him into a murderer?
Hi. I totally love the idea of a free range kid. BUT, I feel totally scared & paranoid about it, too. My son is only 3 years old, but I have said many times, “How will I ever let him ride his bike around the neighborhood alone like I did?” I’m 37, grew up playing around the neighborhood all day & just had be home by dark. I have to admit, that I find it difficult to imagine giving my son the same freedoms when he is older. Hopefully, I will be able to. It’s like my peer group is just totally paralyzed about relaxing with our kids. We totally micromother our children & although I am critical of it, I do it. ??? I admire you, Lenore. You have guts that I wonder if I posess.
I’m a 21 year old college student in North Carolina, and I completely agree with free range, but my reason for doing so is a little different then everyone else’s. I grew up with a very overprotective mother (she still is today) and did not do very many things on my own. Some of that was because I was afraid to do those things, but part of it was because my mother was afraid to let me do those things. Her fear was planted in me, and I grew up afraid of many things. I wish my mother had let me be a free range child. We lived for the most part in fairly safe areas, and we always knew people who would have been perfectly willing to keep an eye out for me. I was never in any real danger of being hurt or kidnapped, etc. But once you let fear in your life, its hard to dismiss it. To this day, I am still afraid of many things, and I struggle with doing things alone. I hope that when I have children I can raise them to be more independent then me and to know how to better protect themselves without living in fear of the outside world.
I am in my 30’s. When I was 8, I would ride my bike to school, tennis practice, and to the pool. My best memories as a child were spending summer days at the pool with my friends and riding my bike back home at sunset. We would also bring jars to the desert outside our neighborhood (in Texas) and capture all kinds of creepy crawlies and pretend we were stranded on a desert island. Gone are the days of “Go play outside” and “Be home before dark!”
I now have a child who will never experience that kind of freedom, because her father (my ex husband) is a helicopter parent. We watched E.T. the other day and my daughter said “that mommy is bad because she let her kids ride bikes alone!” Wow. I have been ostrasized for reading a magazine on a loungechair while my 6 year old (a magnificent swimmer) played in the pool with barbies, eating on my terrace while she slept in her bedroom inside, and allowing her to make her own cereal (apparently, the refridgerator can fall on top of her). My ex’s explaination – “Don’t you watch the news? What if she stopped breathing and you couldn’t hear her, because you were grilling on the terrace? Haven’t you heard of Madeline? A child can drown in a teaspoon of water!” This all coming from a man who used to iceskate on the frozen lake behind his home.
I allow my now 7 year old to walk from my car in the school parking lot into her school and to her classroom by herself. She is estatic… positively glowing with the joy of idependence. Still a long way from the fond memories that I have as a child, but it’s a small step in the right direction.
I was taking a 40 min. bus ride to school by myself when I was 7. After school same way I was getting home, using the key hung on my neck to open the door. I was preparing lunch for myself and doing homework as fast as I can, so I could run outside and play with my yard friends. People in my neighborhood knew who I was and would help me if there was a need. Strange women on the bus would give me a seat at the window and help me to concur the crowds to the exit. This was in 1977, in Europe. Time was different, society was different.
Today we are paranoid about crimes, disasters and accidents. We are more isolated from each other, indifferent to each other. How much support will child get when lost on the street? Probably the best he/she could get is the stranger taking him/her to the nearest police dept while rolling their eyes: “where for God’s sake are child’s parents?”
I have a question.
How come or why is it that parents are freaking out or just shocked that some parents let their children go places unaccompanied by an adult? While these said freaking out parents let their children play games such as gran theft auto, wear make-up or clothes that ONLY a 20 something model wears? It’s hypocritical. And it’s a no wonder kids are so messed up these days. Parents feel its the end of the world if their child goes some where unattended but oh please by all means go listen to that heavy metal or play that violent game because its ok. “I dont trust you to go outside but I do trust you to do something psychotic. I care but then I don’t. You understand don’t you sweet heart?” It’s hypocrtical. I don’t have kids myself but it is a dream of mine. And you can bet that when given the chance I will let my child have free range. Letting a child go somewhere with out an adult makes them feel good inside. Their thought process changes and they feel like they can do anything (within means of course). Point is, it makes them feel important. It’s how I felt when was allowed to cruise the mall or go to the movies with out my parents. I didn’t need makeup or a cell phone to feel independant. I just wanted the ability to walk away and come back saying yeah I did that. Independence is the ability to do things on your own, moving out into a run down apt. as a college student is not one of them. That is called growing up. Independence for a child also encourages them, saying to them that they can do what ever it is they set their mind to. Yes actually saying it can be inspirational but showing them is opening up a whole new door to a world only they can create. They say everything is for the future generations. So shall we expect our future to be dark, depressing, and paranoid? Or bright and boundless of things that can/will be done? You can’t get far when smothered with fear. Lenore, you’re a great mom!
I live north of Boston and have a 13 year old daughter. We’ve been having conversations for weeks about why I won’ t let go off on her own to hang out with her friends. We’ve have both arguements and rational converstaions about this and we’re trying to hear each others sides. It’s been productive so far, however, I know I need to give in to this. She needs her space and her friends and I trust her. She has a cell phone and I’m never far away. So yesterday she walked a block over to her friends house and then walked home later in the day. It was a good feeling for both of us.
I stumbled upon the article of you letting your son ride the subway and made my way to this website. It’s given me the confidence and a little push to understand that I am not alone with these decisions. I was a completely unsupervised young child. The youngest of five and as a young teen I would take the train and subways all over Boston by myself or with friends. I learned to be street smart and aware of my surroundings. I think it’s great you allowed your son to go it alone.
Today is a new day and I want to let my daughter grow up and be responsible and the only way to do that is to let her go. This is the start of it and thanks for opening my eyes a little wider.
Stephanie
I’m a mom of a 13-yr old boy and an 11-yr old girl and I’m ashamed of how paranoid I am. The news keeps you in constant fear of your child being abducted and anally raped and eaten, etc. I had to stop watching news shows because of the way they made me feel. I was a kid who lived in the Bronx and took 2 buses to get to my Catholic School as early as 7. And I did it all by myself. My friends and I wandered all over the city, and, as long as we were home by dark, we could do whatever we wanted. Without cell phones! Now, here I am, with a teenager, and I get an upset tummy when I watch him walk w/his friends to Jr. High each day. What’s wrong with our society? What’s wrong with me? I’m weaning myself from being overprotective. I believe I’ve raised my children to be afraid of everything. Here I am, a fearless adult who did whatever she wanted and went everywhere I wanted(and I’m sure that fearlessness was shaped while I was exploring on my own) . And I’m too f-ing paranoid to let my teenager walk to the store. I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed society to shape me into a worrier. Yes, there are predators. But they aren’t everywhere and I need to get over myself. Fast. Before I raise a scaredy-cat son and paranoid daughter. We’re gonna have a whole generation of skittish people if we don’t give our kids some space. Starting with mine. I’m gonna go kick them out of the house on this sunny afternoon and let them wander. (But, they better answer their cell phones.)
I am a very conservative, very concerned 35 year old mother of 11 children ages 17-2 years old. First I want to say that I don’t feel that what this mother did should be considered free range. She made an educated decision to allow her son to do something after checking the facts. She then made a plan with him. Would I have done it? Never in a million years. Do I think she was a bad mother for doing it? No. I think bad mothers are parents that do let their children free range. Parents that don’t care where their children are, when they come home, etc. These are the parents that scare me.
I grew up being a part time free range child. When I was little I had a lot of room. I would walk a mile away to go to Highs to get some milk. I walked alone to kindergarten. Now I think back and say, whooaaa, what was my mother thinking. Anybody, absolutely anybody could have grabbed me. It is not as though there were not abducted children back in those days.
Years past and my mother became a lot more protective. In the times I did manage to get out from under her smothering wings I made totally all the wrong decisions. One night I was approached by someone who obviously wanted sex in exchange for cocaine. I was 13!
I decided back in those days what sort of mother I would be. The biggest flaw was that we didn’t have much money and no extended family. My mother gave up driving and that left me a very depressed, stay at home child. Knowing myself, and lots of the crazies out there in the world, I decided that my children would be all about family. They have always been homeschooled. I don’t let them spend the nights out. We are very religious so parties outside of family and family friend gatherings are out of the question. We have bought our children a house with a 3 acre wood, pool, horses, you name it. They stay busy with their animals and each other. Sometimes they help me with my company, Shea Terra Organics. We go on frequent family outings. When the kids want to go somewhere or do something we cater to them. When they want to be with children that we approve of, it is always in family settings. We drop our daughter off at college and pick her up. There are charitable things she attends to there and at some point we have to trust that she has to make the all the right decisions.
What I consider to be free range children are children who are not blessed enough to have their parents deeply involved in their lives. There is a reason why children do not hatch out of eggs like alligators. For example, after school in our 3 acre wood we discovered that teenagers from the school next to us had been smoking pot. The children were eventually captured on infra red. How sad, I thought. Where are the parents of these kids, and why don’t they know that their children are on my property smoking pot after school?
I am concerned with children not knowing where their children are, who they are with and what they are doing. Too many children have become drug atticks, theives and the like. My one friend worked all the time and left her daughter to fend for herself. She ended up a needle user, car theif, shoplifter, all by the age of 16. I know this little girl since she was 2. What a very sweet girl she was. But with room to range as she saw fit, she ended up in the wrong crowd with other kids from families that didn’t care- and she ended up very, very sick.
My brother and sister, too, have a similar story. They moved with their father at the ages of 12 and 13. The poor things didn’t stand a chance. My brother was found blue in the woods as a teenager. As an adult he he was addicted to the worst of drugs and had a near fatal car accident. My sister had 3 children, very suicidal, on drugs and lost her two sweet babies to their father. Some things are more dangerous than abductors. Please parents, for your childrens sake and for the whole of society, keep a close eye and a guiding hand on your children. If you don’t, sex offenders and drug pushers will.
To recap, I don’t feel that this train ride, by a mother who planned and calculated carefully with her son is a case of neglect. I simply hope, as I believe she will, watch her child carefully, know who he is with and plan his days and future together. That is why we are moms.
Please excuse my errors in the post above. I was in a hurry- sometimes after you type a thousand words the computer dies along with all your information. Sure you have been there.
Also, I meant to say that there are some things equally dangerous as abductors.
I would love to live in a free range kid neighborhood. But parents seem to be doing this backward. Physical freedom (and the choices that come with it) is what the kids need, yet they are limited. What they don’t need is to have exposure to media that is age innapropriate. I have elementary school kids and they come home with stories of their buddies searching around You Tube and watching MTV, Simpsons and playing Mature rated video games. All these are for at least age 14 and up. Let my 5th grader walk around town? No problem. Going over a friends house who has too much media freedom? No thank you. But it would seem parents feel safest when their kids are home in from of some electronic entertainment.
I SO agree with your philosphy! My kids are 5 and almost 3, and I let them play in our unfenced yard together. They know the rules. I trust them, and will until they leave the yard. If they do, they’ll suffer some time without that freedom and some discussion about why we have these rules. Some people think I’m crazy, but I remind them of our summer days when moms said, “Play outside. You’re not to be back inside until I call you for lunch/dinner.” I’ve also mentioned that when my son is 10ish, I plan to stop paying for before/aftercare and he will walk/ride his bike to and from school. It’s about 1.3 miles. He can hack it! Heck, he can do it now, but I think the authorities might take issue. My brother and sisters and I all did this. For years I’ve been spouting the very message you promote on this site. Some agree, others think I’m delusional. I’m just happy there are plenty of other parents out there like me! Thanks, Lenore.
Having been a high school guidance counselor I saw two major parenting pitfalls:
1. Helicoptering resulting in students lacking accountability as everything was supposed to be the schools responsibility
2. Non-engagement to the point of not coming in and intervening when a student needed support
I personally believe that parents are facilitators as much as they are anything else such as protectors. We are charged with facilitating what is great within the child. We do not own our children.
For me that means creating a home culture of independence and responsibility. For example, my second grader makes her own lunch everyday. She has done so since 1st grade. We all learn by trial and error and she has been hungry some days because she did not pack well.
I really like what you are doing and it inspired me to see if other mothers would be willing to let our 8 yr. olds ride the bus downtown and meet us for ice cream.
Keep up the good work.
One phenomenon I’ve noticed in my community is that certain stay-at-home moms seem the most reluctant to give their kids any freedom. I see Moms walking their fifth graders (as tall as they are) the 2-3 very safe blocks to school. It almost seems like they wish to elevate motherhood to this all-encompassing endeavor to justify their choice to stay home.
I could write a book about this! My daughter is in her 3rd year of college and she is just now starting to feel some confidence. I was the worst mother, not Lenore Skenazy. I took care of everything and it left my daughter socially crippled. She had to learn to buy groceries, take care of postal and banking, use a credit card (of course she got in over her head and I bailed her out). Now she is learning how to make her own doctor appointments, where to get her hair done, how to speak to various customer service reps, and how to do a resume and interview. There is so much more. She doesn’t drive and is afraid of public transportation. I let her quit all kinds of things and she had trouble with commitments and responsibilities. Not anymore. I literally had to push her out of the nest before she learned how to fly. I am in California and she is in Virginia. This is her first summer alone. I am also in college and I am taking an internship in Chicago – partly so she has to figure out what to do with herself. I only had one child and I feel like I blew it. I know she will do things a lot differently. If you are a mother of a baby or young child, do not make the same mistakes. It will cost you and your child. Tracy
I am an older mother, who has one set of grown children and 2 still at home. I have seen how children are more adaptable than people give them credit for. AND the more you try to protect them the less life skills they have for handling situations.
I have a friend who was sent to public schools and went on a mission for his church with children who were homeschooled. The homeschooled teens had more trouble adapting and handling situations. Now don’t think I am not putting down homeschooling, only using it for an example.
I thnk the lack of mothers staying at home with their kids results in them not knowing what they are capable of. If you don’t spend the majority of your time with someone how do you know what they can do?
For the most part I was a free ranged kid growing up. My single mother worked 2 full time jobs, so I had a lot of time on my hands. But I am finding that hard to do with my own kids. I’m so terrified that something will happen to them. I’ve just recently started leaving them home alone for an hour or so and I know let them go to the park in my apartment complex alone. I trust them and I am confident that they know how to be safe. But how do I get over my own fears. I am a helicopter mom and I know that it’s not fair to my children. I just don’t know how to get over my paranoid mothering.
I want my children to be independent like I was. I want them to feel confident enough to take public transportation and the roam the city alone when they get a little older. I live in Reno and there is great history here and a lot of amazing things to see. I want them to explore and to get their hands dirty. But how do I ease myself and let go of the reins.
Hopefully Lenore Skenazy’s blog will help me with that. I would rather be called a bad mother and have healthy, independent, confident children than be called a good mom with kids that won’t let go of her leg.
Susan
I am an older parents with 2 sets of children. One set is grown with children of their own. The others are still young and at home. I have found that children learn by example and their mistakes and protecting them from every mistake is a mistake. You do need to keep an eye on them without them knowing in many cases. I have held my breath over many things as I watched my children work through many problems.
A friend of mine gave a good example of how overprotecting them can hurt. Now, I am not putting down homeschooling, but using this as an example. When this young man went out of town on a mission for his church he was paired up with a homeschooled young man that had very protective parents. He did not have the skills to deal with many situations, whether social or problems. What have we accomplished by this?
I am also a student and one of my classes is Cultural Anthropology. In one of the studies we read, it was over a civilization that let their children run free through the forests(the older children taught them what not to do). while parents worked and EVERYONE kept an eye on them. These children learned from an early age to use things like machettis and never hurt themselves. This made me think about how we are shortchanging our kids in many ways.Especially their adaptability.
Reading of the responses from some of these parents is making things that happen to my 7/8 year olds forgivable. It’s not thier fault, parents want to do everything for their child. I run my classroom with cooperation from each and every student taking part, the other class still unpacks their folders and packs up their folders, teaching them no responsibility. If parents continue to teach their students to cling to them and to have no self reliance our society is in big trouble…….stop the rude comments to the author because you live in the ghetto, or in a rougher section of town. We live in a rural area and some of our parents won’t let their children play in the front yards of their home.
I am a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother. If we did anything right in raising our children it was to raise them as freerange kids. They are now grown, finished college, (some with graduate degrees) and without any pushing from their parents. We just told them it was expected, and they saw that college was a family tradition so they all finished–some after a struggle. We always sympathied, but never babied when they made mistakes.
Our payback is to see what they have done with their lives. They are all around 50 and very successful. Sure, we gave them advise when they asked for it, listened to their ideas on starting a new business, kept their kids when they went back to college, and praised their success and the successes of their children who are mainly being raised as freerange kids also. I admire Leonore for giving her son the gift of responsibility. And if she ever writes a book on the subject, I could certainly contribute an idea or two.
Thank you for writing the column and starting this blog. I look forward to more stories of successfully indie kids and parenting tips, too. Put me on the pre-order list for a book.
Cheers,
Ms. Sick of Play Dates — Just Go Play!
I completely applaud you, Ms. Skenazy. I saw you and your son on The Today Program and I thought your idea was wonderful. As a child welfare worker, I am amazed at parents who think “someone else” is out to get their children when stastically it is the parents or close-relatives that do the greatest harm. Just a thought. Again, kudos.
I used to hold my sister’s hand and go to the park, across the street, practically every day. There was a gardener at the park who showed us that he was growing baby onions beneath one tree, and he showed us how to pick mulberries from the weeping mulberry tree. I remember my mother was aghast and claimed these berries would hurt us, and we told her that the berries were fine.
I am now a mother of two boys, and on a weekly basis I go to a local building complex that is smack dab in the middle of a large city park, where I do volunteer work for about one to two hours. My boys finally feel comfortable enough to go play in the park by themselves. THREE TIMES, people who WORK in that park have called the police on me. TWO TIMES (we were already gone by the time the police arrived the first time) I have had to discuss this with a policeman. Both times they have confirmed that I have broken no law. Both times the officer has admitted that he has a brother, and yes, he used to play in the local park without his mother.
A note here is that the city I live in claims to be the third safest city in the United States for a city its size. These policemen know that statistic. I keep asking them if they’re telling me my city is unsafe (they say no).
My kids know how to scream, “You’re not my mommy! You’re not my daddy!” if someone approaches them. They can outrun many adults. They know exactly where I am (about 200 yards away). They know to come fetch me if one of them falls down off the park equipment.
So far, the worst thing that has happened is that the park staff have tried intimidating them, and I am getting pissed off that I’m beginning to feel harrassed.
My kids are fine. I believe in their right to hang out at a city park without me hovering over them. And the next time the police approach me about this they had better give me a ticket and a damn good reason for pestering me, or I will go talk to their management, and also write an article to the local newspaper.
We shall see. Unfortunately, my kids are starting to be scared that the workers are going to call the police, and the police are going to come every time they go to the park, so now they’re getting more shy about playing at that park. Which I think is a shame.
My parents raised me with a ‘free range’ style.
At seven, I was aloud to go around the block I lived on, which included the McDonald’s down the street. When I started third grade, I walked the mile to school at seven-thirty in the morning, and home at three-thirty.
Middle school left me riding the city bus across town to the library and friend’s house, that summer led me walking downtown at nine in the morning to read by the Grand River.
So I firmly believe in free-range parenting, just like my parents. Good luck!
(also, whilst visiting in Chicago, I fell asleep on the subway and escaped unscathed. I think it’s safe for the most part anymore.)
Thanks for letting people know that there is more to the world besides the ‘Mean World Theory’ that we perpetuate so much in our society and the socialization of kids.
I’m myself a former, what sociologists call a ‘latchkey kid’ and I am rather concerned by how possessive people have become over their children. Not to say that children shouldn’t be watched by their parents at all, just that I can think of far worse things than letting your kid ride the subway or bus by themselves when they know well enough to. There is such a thing as being overly possessive of your children’s actions and schedules to the point where you’re frustrated why at 26 or 35 they haven’t left your house, started a job or education, and ‘gone into the real world’. my mother’s close friend has unfortunately and subconsciously done this to her wonderful kids, who are like sisters to me, but they are at the point where they are either afraid or completely unmotivated to leave the house. It’s a saddening feeling when you try to take them out on halloween like any other kid, and their mother is afraid they’ll be kidnapped or attacked. 😦
Granted I live in a rural area where different social aspects rule than in a urban one, but even my grandmother taught me from a very early age what to do if ‘this or that’ happens, and mostly, how to be a responsible member of society (a.k.a. how to grow up). It was growing up with the responsibilities along with certain freedoms that I think from personal experience helped later on when finding a job, going into higher education, contributing to my family, etc.
From a life’s experience of personal observation, I think what children are missing out on now is not only the freedom of growing up, but the responsibilities that you come to understand and gain. Older generations than myself complain that kids now grow up with this sense of ‘instant gratification’ and ‘immediately deserving’ something. At first I thought it was just the age-old complaint of “them vs. us”, but now I’m starting to see that it may be rather correct. I hope that people come across your website and realize that parenting may differ from person to person, but there is as much harm from cloistering your child as there is letting them run wild.
… And to any parents who already know this, I hope your children give you a big hug and thanks for helping them become responsible adults. I still give my parents thanks for helping me have a great childhood and becoming an adult who practices hard work and responsiblitiy (and also play, I still know how to have a good time once the work’s done, lol.).
🙂
I’m 20yrs old and I agree with letting children having freedom. When I lived in Japan, I saw elementary children of all ages taking both the subway and buses by themselves. Most of the younger children had an older sibling with them, or some the children would group up after a few couple of stops if from the same school. I’m sure if you look at other countries too, they have the same sort of thing happening.
I don’t believe that it is such an unusual thing.
I’m all for it. I started allowing my son to go to the playground by himself last year (he was 7). I live half a block away and on the opposite side of the street. If I was working out in the front lawn, I would let him go down and play. This year, if I’m working outside he can go. He knows not to go anywhere else and he is so proud of himself. One day he went to his friends house without permission and he lost his playground privileges. It has not happened again.
There are limits however. My neighbor allows her 4 year old to play outside by himself and I have difficulties with that. He comes on to my property and steals things and then last fall he ended up getting into some poison that I had put out in my yard. His mother had no clue until I came home and noticed little white hand prints all over and I went over to talk to her.
I am all for it because think that people here in this country over-protect and treat their children like they know nothing. Kids are much smarter than we give them credit for! You’ve got my vote, Lenore! I don’t see what the big deal is. Manhattan is the one out of four major cities that I have lived in in the US where I have felt the safest! You’re a great Mother! BEST, Nina
It is ok to let kids have a little bit of independence no matter what age. But it is up to us parents to judge at what point and what instances we allow this. Yes, I do agree that kids nowadays are coddled too much.
Case in point, my three year old daughter. She goes to dance class once a week and she does experience a little bit of independence when she’s at class. When it’s time to put on her ballet shoes, I give here the shoes and she puts them on by herself. When it’s time to change to tap shoes, she takes off her ballet shoes and puts the tap shoes on and insists on putting on the ribbon through the holes, but we tie it up for her. When my husband first tried to do this to her, other parents where a bit dumbfounded (and even gave him the “eye”). They were surprised that he lets our daughter take off her shoes and puts them on by herself while the other mothers do it for their kids.
We want to teach my daughter independence at an early age, but of course, we still give her all the TLC that she wants.
When I first heard your story about your son taking the subway home alone, I was a bit skeptical but you made your points clear. I lived in NYC briefly and it took me a while to understand the subway system there. It’s very easy to get lost in the crowds and get off at the wrong subway stop. Kudos to your son for making it home in one piece all by himself! =) Since I live in Vermont, it’s pretty easy to raise my kids free-range. The key is educating your children how to protect themselves and learn how to problem-solve when they run into a problem. If we overprotect our kids, how can they learn to take care of themselves? Best of luck to you and your free-range son! =)
Bravo!!!!
Thank you for actually trying to raise an independent child!
My classroom is full of children who cannot do fo themself. I am in an uphill battle to encourage independence and creative thinking!!!
Wonderful!!
For or against?
It depends on the kid.
If parent and child agree that it is time, then it is.
When does a carefully protected child learn to deal with learning the basic life-skills involved when *things* happen?
Self-confidence isn’t gained by avoiding failure. It is gained through attaining hard-earned successes, while surviving hard-earned failures. As parents, it is our job to gage our children’s abilities, and keep them challenged.
I am nervous about the dearth of real-life creative problem-solving experience the latest American generation is getting. They can barely take care of themselves–how will they lead when the time comes?
Dude im from the y generation. im 14 years old. even i was a free range kid. we were expected to go out the door and not to return until the street lights came on and to be dirty and have some kind of story to tell or it was considered a day wasted. let you kids be kids
I’m also strongly in favor of fostering independence in children. I recently completed a house purchase and one of the main reasons it took a while for my husband and I to find a house was because we wanted a house that was within walking distance of our town (which has an LIRR station to the city) because I hoped that this would be beneficial to the whole family with regard to both health and independence. I myself walked and biked to school growing up in the 70s and was able to walk to the center of our my hometown, Stamford, CT, during high school and my parents had no problem with this.
I am now raising two children who are still below six and I have noticed the helicopter parent effect at this age as parents take around special placemats to restaurants to prevent germs. Beyond the health concerns, parents are also a bit too worried about the mess. I love to do art with my kids and have no problems with glue and paint in their hair, on the clothes and on the Little Tykes table.
I remember making mud pies in my yard regularly and my dad (who is a big gardener) actually has me bring some worms in to my mom one day and ask her to fry them for breakfast as a joke–something that would cause many parents today to consider him a complete nut. He is a bit eccentric but not nuts.
It’s about time. Making mistakes, getting hurt, being uncomfortable, getting lost; we develop life’s requisite problem-solving skills by emerging from these moments of disequilibrium. More outrageous tha your actions is the fact that so many people find it outrageous.
As for the enlightened post below me, it’s surprising that such a clever and well thought out poster would lost anonymously.
let your kids be kids. if it’s sunny make them go outside. depending on the age and distance they can walk to school. let em be what they can be. they’re not stupid. they know the signs of stranger danger. they’ve been told all their life. you go girl!
Thank you for bringing this issue into the open. I have a five year old and struggle with the societal pressure to smother. Last summer some older boys were headed to walk to the store. I told my eager son he could go. He is very good with street safety, I have been teaching him to watch for cars and keep himself safe since he was three. He set off with a dollar for water balloons, responsibly walking on the sidewalk. The store is three short streets away, less than a six minute walk. About five minutes later he came back, escorted. One of the boys, who is thirteen stopped at home to grab some money and his mom told him that he could not walk to the store. She delivered my son and a lecture. This mother adamantly believed that her thirteen year old and the neighboring twelve year old (who had told me he had permission to go) were both not responsible enough to walk with my son to the store. I was shocked and dismayed.
I believe this type of hover parenting is a reason teens get into such trouble with drugs and other things. If we never allow our children to think for themselves and learn how to keep themselves safe and occupied how will they ever learn to handle the freedom that comes with adulthood?
I grew up in Maine and spent my days riding my bike, at 12 I remember biking 7 miles to a friends house. At five I could safely cross the street or walk around the corner to another friends house. Once there we kids headed into the woods beyond the purview of the grownups, we ran around in the woods with sticks, climbed trees, and developed a healthy respect for the beauty and danger inherent in nature.
Now, when I send my five year old across the street by himself I know I get looks from my neighbors. But, he looks both ways, behaves while he is there, and comes home when I call for him, or when he gets bored.
I am surprised when I drive through rural and suburban neighborhoods on nice days. Often there are children at the playgrounds. But the front yards are empty. People are too afraid. They are afraid of the criminals spotlighted by the news media, by the fear, and by the scorn of their own community. But, we need to wake up, shake off the fear, unplug our kids, and get them outside.
I’m 18 and I live in a small town in southern Georgia. Where I live we don’t have a subway system or anything of that nature, but we have our own forms of “danger”. Where I live anyone can get anywhere just by taking a short walk. I think it is important to children and adults to be safe, but sometimes parents do go overboard. I’m mature enough to know that children do need supervision when it comes to some things, but at the same time I’m still a kid myself, and I know that the more freedom I have to explore, the more mature I will become.
I think that kids need freedom. I mean, come on! Kids need to learn what ot do when they get to the real world. If you don’t let them try things on their own when they’re young, do you really think they’ll be safe when they’re older?
I am a 53 year old grandmother of two lovely granddaughters, aged 4 and a half and 2 and a half. I live in the same city here in Eastern Washington State that my children, now 33, 32, and 26 grew up in. They walked a good mile through our low to middle income neighborhood to get to school in snow or shine. We do not have much bus service still. I guess kids either walk now or get rides. But we sent our kids to the corner convenience store–and this was not and is not a small town for milk and eggs, let them ride their bikes all over the place as long as when I stood on the porch and yelled for them, they could hear me. Or, and this was just as common, as long as they could be found by the grapevine of other parents and other kids and other adults who relayed the message that “your” or “somebody’s mom/dad–is it yours?–is calling for “you”. We parents and adults were not all buddy buddy across five or ten blocks of a old and diverse neighborhood. It just was normal to notice kids and notice their situations, etc.
Now, my daughter seems, to me, sometimes too caught up monitoring safety issues which are not real or realistic. I work in education and I really do not think unwashed hands after a trip to the grocery store is worth my granddaughter practically having an anxiety attack along with her mother. I think it’s a fine idea but yeowww!
I–and my ex—Grandpa–sit off quite a bit compared to the parents at the park. It is the girls’ job to negotiate the ways of the playground. I watch the adults, too, but I think, as I did today, at the park, that the world is not worse than it was for me or my kids, I think much of the reaction is self-serving: parents are thinking of what they OUGHT to be doing in the eyes of society…I do NOT mean they do not love their kids. I mean they are much like folks who could not countenance their children marrying outside the race or the faith. It was against the rules as enforced by the experts and the community they felt a part of. We are convinced by media, by media exposure, by innundation of information, that boogey men and women lurk around every single corner of the library and that therefore the accepted (new) norm–regardless of facts–must be obeyed, or else bad things will happen AND WE as parents will be blamed.
I sincerely hope we NEVER blame a suffering parent for the acts of another in harming a child. But how can children learn to cope, to practice the safety we teach, if we do not let them? We must build community every day, and we must build safe ones, every every day, and , yes, we must give our kids the free run of that range.
I LOVE this!!
I grew up in the 70’s in univ. student housing. As soon as I was 8 ,I was allowed to roam the campus. I learned how to use a card catalog and work the microfiche (yep those archaic things lol) on my own. I practiced how to interact with people of all backgrounds, cultures and ages by myself. If my mother had kept me locked up or under her constant supervision I probably wouldn’t of convinced the drama dept. to let me volunteer as an usher during the Shakespearean festival at the age of 9.
I was a true “City Kid”. I now live in a small city in the Midwest and am raising four boys while also operating a small childcare. I have to admit to slightly failing my children. I have not taught the older ones (almost 9, 11, 13) how to ride the bus and they are very limited on where they can ride their bikes to and for how long. In fact the first summer that I did allow them to be out of my site and I annoyed them the entire time by calling them every 20 minutes.
Even though I feel deficient in this area, the parents of the children I care for feel that I am too permissive with my children and one parent was shocked to find my 9yr old in line at the bank waiting to make my business deposits.
I do agree that not every child should be allowed to do everything. Each child has their strengths and weaknesses. However, I do believe that children should have their ability stretched a little so that they can realize what they are capable of.
Some people agree with my philosophy and others are shocked and i personally believe it is because of their own selfish needs that they are trying to meet.
But I tell everyone, “I am raising young adults, not children.”
Once they are young adults they will be capable of exploring their community/world and continuing their own personal education.”
I am very glad that I came upon your site thru MSN. I had already discussed just yesterday that this was going to be the summer of Independence if it killed me lol. Thank you for the affirmation that I am doing the right thing
I am victim to the typical mom-xiety whenever my eight year-old son crosses the street to go to our neighborhood park, but I know that the answer to that is teaching him responsibility for his actions when crossing the road, not keeping him confined to the house until I am freed up from all of my grown-up whatevering to go with him to the park. My son’s been allowed to go to the park by himself for over a year now, (we moved into this house a year and a half ago) and that was a process, not a sudden booting out the door. We discussed responsibility and practiced crossing the street alone, and let him go to the park by himself for five minutes one day. We gradually lengthened the tether until now, he’s pretty much allowed to do whatever he wants in our direct neighborhood so long as we’re awake and know where he is. He’s responsible and considerate, and knows the meaning of a curfew. We started out having him carry a walkie-talkie so that we could ping him whenever I got anxious, but eventually we figured out that he naturally wants to check in with us far more often than we would require, had we given him a time.
I worry every single time that he leaves the house. I peer up the street and look for his bright orange hoodie. But I buy him bright orange hoodies so I can spot him from a distance, rather than attaching him to my hip so he never knows what independence is and has to learn the hard way when he’s an “adult.”
I freak out, but I talk to my son about the reasons I freak out, and we come up with plans together to try and mitigate some of that. We’ve gone over stranger danger, have beat him over the head with the importance of street safety, and make sure that he is aware and comfortable with his surroundings.
A lot of people think that my partner and I are crazy for giving our son so much freedom, and my son’s biological dad definitely questions the decision. And while I can respect my ex-husband’s concern, I do my best to address his dad-xiety and help him work through that without compromising my son’s independence.
Kids need to be kept safe, but coddling them may open a host of dangers down the road. We’re all parents doing the best we can for our kids. This is the way that I do it.
I was raised in the “free range” way. I was allowed to ride my bike to the library and to my friends homes as well as anywhere else I ended up. I did not have a cell phone till I got my license at 16.
There are worst case scenarios to this type of upbringing as with any case. However, I find that I am a better adult because of this. I am 20 years old and I have felt independent since before I hit puberty.
As children, we want our parents to find a medium between coddling and incompletely ignoring us. We want the freedom of being an adult while still given boundaries. This type of raising is a “To Each His/Her Own”; I feel that I will raise my children this way as long as the world still allows it.
Thank you for writing this article. Although it is not a “earth shattering” issue, it is still a valuable parenting topic.
Good for you Lenore!! I am the mother of 2 boys, 8 and 6 years old who are being raised in a very free-range sort of way. I deal with criticism masked as concern about this all the time. Especially from people who either do not have children or have really “bad” kids who cannot be trusted out of Mom’s sight. I think its important to point out that each kid is different….just because I let my children stay home for a few hours alone doesn’t mean everyone should. It depends on the level of maturity and responsibility they have. My sister-in-law, an elem. school teacher, tells me its against the law to leave kids alone until they are 12. I cannot find this anywhere…and considering YOU didn’t get arrested, I am thinking she’s wrong.
(I also live in NY…But waaaay upstate..)
Am I nervous about letting them go out in a rowboat or kayak? YES! Am I worried that all these awful scary people are going to snatch them away ? YES!! But I’m MORE worried that they will grow up helpless and dependent on other people.(namely ME!) So, I let them go fishing alone… (fish-hooks? YIKES! we all know the damage they can do!) They take the fish off themselves..( I’m not touching those slimy things). They go hiking in the woods, build forts..and there really are bears around! My 8 year old got a .22 rifle to go squirrel hunting with for his birthday this year…You’d think I bought him a ready-made bomb and directions to blow up his school. When the boys were 3 years old, they got 4-wheelers…those real ones not the battery operated ones. Did they drive into the street? No, but the younger one did hit the house,…once…and he learned not to do that again. My kids have not yet had any broken bones or as yet shown signs of long-term damage. They are responsible and caring, dependable and courageous. I walk that fine line everyday deciding how much freedom they get. It’s a little more every year. So, am I scared? Sometimes…But I am a lot more proud of them than anything. That is something I tell them every day.
THANK YOU LENORE!!! Your story hits on what I believe is a critical issue in today’s world. These overprotective parents are raising a generation of children who cannot think for themselves, cannot make simple decisions and have been raised thinking someone will always be there to do everything for them. These parents are doing their children a huge disservice! How will these kids ever learn to handle the realities of the real world?
I have a 14-year-old daughter who I’ve raised to be an indepent thinker (rather than a naive follower).
I don’t let her run wild and I always know where she is.
But I’ve allowed her to experience the “real world” by making her own choices and guiding her through her own experiences in “real world” circumstances. I know some of these helicopter parents consider me too liberal, however my daughter is able to make good choices on her own and would know what to do if, God forbid, she found herself alone in the world.
Meanwhile, she is an honor roll student and an athlete.
Most importantly, I believe I’ve given her the skills — and the FREEDOM — to succeed in the real world without me. Heaven help those children who are growing up with their parents doing everything for them.
When I was in 3rd grade, I rode a bike to school. I had a BB gun. I played with fireworks. And I had a single mom, who was in a wheelchair. I’m 31 now, have been married for 8 years, never been unemployed, in good shape, and have lived a great life! This is because my childhood prepared me for the responsibilities of adulthood. By sheltering your kids, you are destroying their ability to be productive, independent, and responsible. They become fat, needy, and live at home until there 40. Good for you for speaking out and letting your children experience the world. We are blessed that children in American aren’t trying to find clean water to drink every day or dying from politically motivated warfare. The least we could do is try to give them tools they need to succeed.
Hello, I am a father of 4 of my own, and 2nd marriage brought into my fold another 3. My youngest is 12, my oldest is 23. I grew up in sothern california where we would ride our bicycles 17 miles to Huntington Beach hang out all day and ride back home up rt 39. Now I find my kids a bit timid due to an overpamering from my 1st wife. Now I have more of a 1 on 1 role and my 12 year old has the presence to make a 4 mile trip to her sisters house and back with no issue. She is involved in summer sailing classes and is active in softball and tennis as well. The mentality of keep them home and safe does them no favors when they have to make choices later on in life. Without the real life experiences of “IU would rather do it myself” how in the world are our children ever going to be come independant and responsible souls they need to become to achieve the greatness locked inside of each one. Release the reins of your children folks, see what wonders they can find on their own. Rein them in and as soon as they become 18 they will run far and fast from “your nurturing ways”, and please try to balance being a parent and being a friend. The results are worth it!
I wrote above about being a mother who homeschools my 11 children. There are a few things that I forgot about and would like to add.
Once, when I was 10 and my sister 2, we were at a park. My mother, stepfather and another couple were sitting on a blanket enjoying conversation while we children played in a very busy park right beside them. I went to the bathroom in the woods with my step sister. We heard someone coming and she was hysterical so I stood outside the bathroom. We were quite some way away from the park. A tall, lanky man passed by and I saw he had a boy on his shoulders. As he ascended the hill higher I then noticed that holding onto his hand was my 2 year old sister. He claims she followed him, bologna. I took her back. No one noticed she was missing. My 4 year old brother was still there. They had the police follow him, only to find out he was a convicted child molester and would volunteer to watch his neighbors son, although he was to have no contact with children.
As a mother I feel that our job is to protect our children, as well as to teach them. It is a fine balancing act. I let my older children go shopping across the road from my warehouse yet I know where they are. I know how long it should take them to come back. I have prepped them for what could happen and what to do. Yes, they have to learn things on their own, but we parents must know how to make that happen in the safest way possible. This is not to say that children don’t know things, or we fail to teach them, it is just to say that there are dangerous situations our there, there are vultures out there who prey on children and women, and we need to make it harder for these vultures to have access.
The boy Adam that was stolen from a store was left to play a computer. Others have been taken as they ride bikes. When I was on a train in NY at the age of 16 I had this Indian man put me on the wrong train and try to take me somewhere. I really had no idea what was going on. Thankfully another passenger noticed, got rid of him and gave me 20 dollars to take a cab as I was far off.
As we know there are children molested by people in churches where we trust to leave our children. I think as parents, if we really love the very children that are vulnerable to such vultures, we need to watch them with a keen eye. We can let them walk but watch them from a distance. We can let them make decisions but gently guide them. This is what parenting is for.
Myself, I have 10 acres that I give my children free range on. They know they must stay on the property. I don’t really watch them much. I just follow up on them from time to time. Sometimes I send them to neighbors with eggs and the like. I know where I send them and wait for them to come back. They know never to go inside anyones house. I have 10 neighbors and we know who they are. Does that mean that one of them isn’t a vulture? No, it just means that I know who they are. I know where they are.
Such a hot topic. But I think Eleanor Roosevelt had some profound words that could be applied to this topic.
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” That can be for the parents as well as the children of our nation.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’
“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.”
and finally….
“You can never really live anyone else’s life, not even your child’s. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you’ve become yourself.”
Pam Baker
I am one of the few parents that I believe has a good reasone to be over protective, but I am not.
My daughter was born in 1992 with Congential Heart Disease (among other problems) and has had mutliple surgeries and pacemakers to keep her alive and mostly well. Even given that she is on blood thinners (asaprin now), her father and I have always encouraged her to explore her world by riding scooters, climbing trees and playing outstide with the neighborhood kids as much as possible.
We decided during all that hospital time during her first 5 years to do our best to ensure that she truely lived her life. I will not put her in a bubble, I want her to experience everything.
She has been taught from a very early age about safety – from the oven is hot and what “hot” means to “there are bad people out there who like to hurt children”. Nothing paranoid, but basic safety measures. She walked to and from school by herself (at her insistence by the way) as young as second grade.
She turns 16 in May this year and not only am I grateful that she is healthy enough to enjoy what she has; I am also happy that she has made good choices throughout her life. I will continue to encourage her to make her own choices – her most recent is that she would rather ride the public bus than learn to drive.
I have two kids, 10 and 9 years old. I also have two toddlers, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2.
Just last night, after we put the 1 1/2 yo to bed, we left the older kids in charge of the 2 1/2 yo and went out to a movie and ice cream.
The older kids know not to answer the door (ever. We have our keys) or phone, unless it is us (we have caller i.d.). They are not to turn on the stove. We have a cell phone that they can call if they need to and they know how to (responsibly) use 9-1-1.
This is not a rare occurence in our house. The older kids are incredibly responsible. They did their chores while we were gone, even though we forgot to mention it before we left, and they put the 2 1/2 yo to bed, including changing his diaper.
They also walk to school. It is only 1/2 a mile, but there is actually a bus that can pick them up!
They walk or bike to the park down the street, about 1/4 mile, no sidewalks, but not a busy street.
They do not have a cell phone. Teach your children to be responsible (which you can’t do if you hover) and then LET THEM BE KIDS and HAVE A LIFE!
Well… I’m conflicted. I live in a safe subdivision in a small town in CT. I let my 12 year old son roam the neighborhood pretty much at will — he goes out to the bus stop or to his friends by himself, and I let him stay home alone for short periods. I still walk my 8 year old daughter to the bus stop though. Perhaps it is time to cut that cord.
I do worry, though, about other kids (and adults) doing unsafe things. Yesterday, in fact, my daughter was playing in the woods at a friend’s house, when the neighboring boys decided that it would be fun to “hunt” the girls with their BB guns (the guns shoot little plastic BBs, but they hit hard enough to bruise). They hit both girls, including hitting my daughter’s friend in the face.
It seems to me that those boys need more supervision, not less (not to mention some basic safety lessons!)
When you’ve done everything you can to instill common sense in your children, and you BOTH feel they’re ready to prove that they’re ready to earn your trust then the only way to know for sure is to let them go. Obviously, if Lenore doubted her son’s abilities she wouldn’t have let him go.
I’ve struggled between being a helicopter-mom and having free-range kids. Its a daily struggle just to let them do some of the littlest things, but at the end of the day my family comes out of it better for the experience, and with a better relationship.
When kids learn that we trust them, they learn to trust us. BUT we as parents have to maintain our own common sense and listen to our instincts when we think something isn’t right.
Carefully thought out and planned experiences, are what life is about. Isolating kids from experiences leaves them scared of even the littlest thing… and makes them much more dependent and draining on parents.
Don’t forget to teach them to cook too.
WEBSTER, Mass (WWLP) Three young children had who had been left home alone were rescued from a fire in their apartment. Police in Webster arrested 28 year old Christina Page after she left her three-year-old son and two month old twins home alone with a pot of food cooking on the stove.
An upstairs neighbor smelled smoke and rescued the children before calling for help.
The children were treated at a hospital for smoke inhalation and were expected to be turned over to the custody of the Department of Social Services.
Sorry, Lenore, you have good intentions, but you’re giving bad advice. The best defense for being a “helicopter parent” is that you do not get a second chance to raise a child safely into adulthood. Even if the changes are one in a million that something bad might happen, it’s still too high a risk for me to take with my child’s life.
It’s not about a child handling the expected, but of his ability to handle the unexpected, regardless of how well you raise him.
As some of your “against” comment show, the unexpected does happen with tragic consequences. Your child will grow up soon enough, Lenore; no need to push the limits of risk just to brighten his day at nine.
How about letting parents raise their own child without commentary. Who better knows than the mom and dad who helped develop and recognize the capabilities their kid has?? The boy rode a train, he didn’t rob a store.
Shame on all of you who think you know better than this boy’s mom.
PS to the young man riding the train: your life is meant to be lived and experienced – your mom has given you a precious gift.
I do not mean to criticize anyone, but I am thinking about the safety of your children. Why would you ever leave a 2 year old with a 10 year old so YOU can go to a movie? I am not against leaving a 10 year old and a 9 year old alone for a few hours- but with a sleeping 1 and a half year old and a 2 year old??? Oh my God. Furthermore, you are leaving them so that you can have some time out? Isn’t that what a babysitter is for???? If the police had known they would take the children away. I am not a super protective mother but a 2 year old is hard for even an adult to take care of. I have eleven children. My 2 year old likes to create things. She turns on the bathroom sink. She climbs. She sticks her heads out windows. I have to watch her round the clock to make sure she does not hurt herself. Wow, I pray your toddlers will be safe.
LET THEM BE KIDS and HAVE A LIFE!
How can the kids have a life and be kids if they are busy watching toddlers so you can got out and have a good time? I hope other parents don’t get bad ideas from this. Not only is it very dangerous, it is also very illegal.
Lenore, letting her seemingly mature son take the train with clear instructions what to do should not be confused with selfishness and neglect. She was giving her son an opportunity to gain something, not having something taken away from him.
It is important parents learn a clear distinction between teaching children and merely being neglectful of them. This woman did not neglect her son. One could argue that he was put in a dangerous situation, yes, but this is arguable. She did not leave him to roam the streets by night. She did not leave minors in his care. She did not take him into a bar. She did not leave him on a weekend while she went to Florida. She merely helped him to acheive a life skill.
Why is this such a polarizing discussion? Giving our kids room to make mistakes, to get hurt, and to build competence is NOT abdication of parental oversight. No one is saying we should let kids roam completely free, without boundaries or rules, or without regard for basic safety.
Are my kids allowed to run at the pool, jump off the garage roof, bike 10 miles to town on a busy road? Absolutely not. Would I take my 5-year olds to Target and say, “meet you at the entrance in 20 minutes”? No! Do we hand the kids the hedgetrimmers and tell them to get busy? Duh. Do we leave matches within their easy reach? Come on.
As my kids get increased time for unsupervised play, we still monitor their activities. We make corrections as appropriate, but mostly we enjoy the creativity and confidence they display. And we enjoy their interest in the hobbies and chores we can do when we’re not monitoring ALL of their movements.
While many may say I’m more of a Free Range Parent, no one can accuse me of being an irresponsible one. And just because I don’t rush over every time one my kids gets a scrape or a bump, that doesn’t mean I’m not a “caring” parent.
One in a million may not be a comfortable thought for you as a parent, but the reality is that you deal with that every day, and you CANNOT protect your kids from EVERY SINGLE possible thing that could go wrong. You can cut up a toddler’s food so that s/he is less likely to choke on it, but you’re not going to keep your child on an all-liquid diet forever. Is your child more safe in a carseat in your minivan or in a trailer behind your bicycle? Either way, you’re not likely to prevent your child from leaving your home/yard so you can avoid every *possible* traffic collision. You can only MITIGATE risk. And make no mistake, sacrificing your child’s independence to give you peace of mind in avoiding the 1 in a million risk has its own consequences. Don’t fool yourself, that’s putting your needs (peace of mind) over those of your child. At least be honest about that.
I’m still trying to get an honest handle on what you mean by Free Range. Age and maturity appropriate freedom? All for it. However, I think we need to consider the individual child, the real risks of the environment and their own comfort level. An urban 9 yo, who I assume has a good deal of experience with the public transit and all the characters a large city has to offer, begging to take a short subway ride alone? Fine by me.
Asking your 3 yo to wait outside on a bench in a strip mall with one of the worst parking lot “road” ragers and a meth clinic across the street, so you can browse a bookstore alone? Not so much. (I witnessed this recently in another Northeastern City and was flabbergasted and annoyed, since I felt compelled to keep an eye on the poor kid and I was off mom duty at that time.)
Sentencing set for ex-police officer convicted of child rape
Associated Press – April 29, 2008 9:44 AM ET
PITTSFIELD, Mass. (AP) – A former Connecticut police constable is set to be sentenced on child rape charges.
Alden Hewett is scheduled to appear Tuesday afternoon in Berkshire District Court, where he was convicted earlier this month of sexually assaulting a boy over three years starting in 1991.
The 55-year-old Hewett lives in Otis and is a manager at a local ski area.
Hewett was a former police constable in New Hartford, Conn., and was once suspected of molesting several boys in Connecticut in the 1970s and 1980s.
State police said in a 1992 report that they could not bring any charges against Hewett because none of the cases fell within the statute of limitations.
Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
I had a distant relative who at 15 walked across Europe, with her 7 year old sister, fleeing the Nazis. Another got a job and bought a house at 13, when her parents lost theirs in the depression. Another was in WWII at 16, and yet another left home for college at 14.
Makes my 1970’s bike rides through a not-so-nice neighborhood seem pretty safe. Kids are a lot more resourceful than we give them credit for.
you be rockin’ with these results
I was raised a free-range kid, and I can tell you, I’m way better off for it.
See, I went to a private elementary school and, along with the rest of my classmates, was relatively sheltered for my first six years of school life. When the end of my sixth grade year rolled around, most of us were able to choose between three of the six public jr. highs in our area – either our ‘home’ school, where we were districted, or the two magnet schools, one of which specialized in academics, the other in the fine arts. The Fine Arts magnet school was districted in a lower-income part of town and had a reputation for fights and gangs, but I was in love with creative writing and jumped at the chance to choose swimming as a P.E. substitute. My mother, to my delight, was willing to let me go anywhere I wished.
When we announced this, my mother got several reproachful comments from my classmates’ helicopter parents – “WELL! I wouldn’t let *my* child go there! Don’t you know how dangerous it is?” But my mother, thankfully, decided to see how the school was for ourselves and ignored them.
In my first year there, I was faced with things I’d never seen before – crude languge, hallway fights, religious seperation, suicidal friends, gangs and talk of sex and drugs – but more than anything, I learned how to deal with them in a setting where anything too bad would be soon broken up by teachers or campus police. I had the morals my mother instilled in me, all I need was to learn how to stand up for them. What’s more, I met people who have become my very best friends, and learned about real *goodness* in people – no matter what folks tell you, there is honor among theives. I had a better experience throughout Jr. High than even my brother, who chose to go to the academic magnet school and was bullied by the *teachers.* I would later be allowed to make my own decision and go to the ‘high-risk’ high school as well.
I’m in college now, my first year, and a few months ago one of the helicoptor moms arranged a ‘reunion’ of sorts for my six-grade class. With the exception of me and an old friend, whom I would occasional drag out of her mother’s sight while mine covered for us, no one in class knew how to take care of themselves in college. They were all sticking close to home so mommy and daddy could coddle them some more, instead of striking out on their own and learning how to live for themselves. Most of them will never leave our hometown – and that’s *really* depressing when you know what our hometown is like.
So, all I can say is, you folks have the right idea. Childhood is supposed to be safe, *not* sterlized. Independence is key!
I think that our children do need freedom. I was raised ‘free range’,my parents also taught me how to protect myself in case of danger.
If you decide on everything in your child’s life they won’t have room to grow. There SHOULD be boundaries ,but they should also have freedom.
You as a parent should gauge how mature your child is and teach them the responsible way to go about things. Teach them about dangerous situations but also let them have room to grow and discover themselves . It is our job as parents to get our children ready for ‘the real world’ as best we can. If you shelter them and not let them find themselves they will not survive as they should into their adulthood.
There was a comment made by someone about kids drowning in a lake. I’m sorry to say but you can only assume that if they were told not to do something they would still be alive. Children who are given rules still do things against the rules,rules are not automatic barriers from danger.
Thanks for the wake up call as I am a borderline hoverer-free ranger. My kids 9, 12 walked to school 1mile each way. They help me shop, they can cook ,do laundry etc etc, even ride motercycles but we have been hesitant to allow them to stay overnight at other peoples houses.
Maybe if more and more parents think this way maybe the world will become more self relient and need less “Goverment” to take care of them.
Thank you for starting this blog and conversation! My first child is due in a few weeks, and as I begin navigating parenthood advice I am appalled at how over-protective everything has become. No crib bumpers to prevent everyday bruises for the one-in-a-million chance the baby somehow sufficates. Car seats mandated by law until age 8. And parents afraid to let elementary school kids out of their sight even for short distances during daylight.
I was a free range kid growing up in the 80s, and it made me more mature and self-confident. I took my first unaccompanied airplane flight when I was 7. I walked all over town by myself by the time I was 8, and took my little sister too when I was 9. I was babysitting neighbors for cash by age 12. I went to Mexico on a service trip at age 14 and walked around foreign towns with only other teenagers. Left home for college hundreds of miles away at 16. Had a good-paying job with management responsibilities in New York City by age 22, when many of my coddled peers still couldn’t face the prospect of having to fend for themselves.
Do I want my daughter to grow up in a bubble, or do I want her to have the opportunities to stretch herself like I did? Comparing my life with those of current and former “bubble children,” I say a pox upon the bubbles and the people who criticize parents who don’t keep their child in a bubble!
It’s all well and good to expose your children to amazing opportunities. I guess you could say I was raised free-range. I enjoyed a lot of freedom as a child and was allowed to walk all over my small town. I was also molested. Like with anything, you take risks. So long as your child isn’t the one in the million to die from getting strangled in a crib bumper, they seem pretty reasonable.
I have come to realize that ‘culling of the herd’ is a far more palatable prospect when it’s not my member of the herd that’s getting culled.
I totally agree and think modern parents have gone nuts, and are warped.
I truly feel sorry for today’s children, never having the independent fun we had and learning to be self-sufficient so they will be a better teen, young adult and adult.
The way we’re going in modern society, these kids are going to grow into adults who are afraid of their shadows because they never were alone, making good decisions, and building their instincts and intuition about stranger danger.
Good for you and I hope the tend grows and grows.
I am for!
If you raise an intelligent independant child you will get an independant adult, too many people are trying to keep their kids safe by not exposing them to things they will eventually be exposed to in time. The younger the better use the advenuture of youth to teach you child to grow
Re: Christine’s comment-
I agree with you that boys need extra lessons on safety at an earlier age. My son is a brave acrobatic kid. I teach him things that I know other parents and sometimes my own husband think he is too young to know. He knows how to use a steak knife alone, how to cross a street, and what to do if other kids are playing with a real gun (come home immediately and tell a grownup what is happening.)
Recently I heard from him that some of the children in pre-school have been choking each other. So, last week we talked about the choking game, that one I had overlooked. But I figure with him it is smarter to discuss the dangers he could be facing before he runs into them. And if you let your child go to other people’s houses or play with other children outside of your direct purview there may be dangers you don’t know about.
I also think girls need many of the same lessons but they also need different ones, especially once they reach puberty or get ready to head out on their own.
I’ve just discovered this website through reading about Skenazy’s story. I thoroughly agree and support this trend.
My children are older now, but I homeschooled them for several years so they could experience ‘free ranging’. When they finally went to school I let them walk to and from school. I pretty well do let them do anything they wanted as long as it didn’t damage property or life. I was ridiculed and looked down upon by other parents in my neighbourhood – even had some come to my door to tell me that I shouldn’t let my kids ride their bikes out on the footpath etc.
But now, my twin daughters are youth leaders in their church (their choice – I’m not religous), have completed college degrees and now are studying to be teachers. They are amazing young women – they have travelled overseas alone, and generally feel they can achieve what ever they want.
My son now lives in another city with his father and every school holidays since he was 12 he has flown alone between cities – even some transferred flights (and not as a child – we didn’t declare his age to the airline as he didn’t want to be nannied by the flight attendants).
We need to realise that protecting children from harm in their childhood does not benefit society. Children learn and grow from taking risks, being stupid, from making mistakes and, yes, by getting hurt and lost and scared. What do we want – over protected nannied children that have to be like that ‘jackass’ guy in their 20’s and 30’s because they were never able to take risks and be stupid earlier in their lives.
Try reading books like Richard Price’s ‘The Wanderers’ for an extreme taste of a freeranging childhood. Sure, kids got hurt and even killed. But young boys also learnt about friendship, making decisions and the consequences, and taking the step from boyhood to manhood.
my wife and i are having our first child this year. i would never leave my child at, let’s say, the state fair alone. however, i will not force my child to call me the minute he/she gets to the neighborhood pool like i had to when i was a child. i do not think this style of parenting is calling for ultimate freedom for children, but for parents to not smother as they/we have a tendency to do. in a world where cellphone plans can be used to track where kids are at all times, we don’t have to utilize all the advances we have. a strong, independent child will have a better sense of self. a smothered son or daughter will doubt their own ability to make decisions and take care of themselves. FOR!
You would hope that an insult would be, at the least, creative.
referencing “dumbass” at the top of the page
My mantra is everything in moderation. Don’t smother your kids, don’t let them have complete and total independence. I have a one year old daughter, and while I don’t know if I’ll be letting her ride the subway at 9 years old, I certainly will have her as “free range” as I feel comfortable. I don’t need web-cam baby monitors or padded walls to baby proof my house. Just some common sense protections for her like gates at the stairs and putting toxic substances out of reach–because she is certainly an “explorer” at heart. I let her entertain herself as much as possible and want to raise her to be independent, strong, and confident. These things only come with allowing independence. My mother always told me that the measure of a good parent is the ability of a child to succeed without you– at age 9 or age 29.
I’m totally for the free range kid! I was told I was nuts for letting my five-year-old ride his bike around the neighborhood — that someone would “steal” him. I’ve never worried about it — I think the internet and the press draw too much attention to the bad things that can happen. I grew up with a “helicopter mom” and I was never allowed to ride my bike in the street, let alone go around the neighborhood. I’m glad I broke that cycle! My kids love exploring the world around them are afraid of very little. My son is now nine and very independent and responsible. My kids walk to and from school everyday and can handle being alone until I can get home from work. Our entire family thinks we’re nuts, but it works for us!
I’m not sure what parenting style my husband and I have been using. But, what I do know is that we will be much more thoughtful of our decisions from this point on. According to some, we are overly free range — he’s not quite six and has had a real four-wheeler for a couple of years now, he and dad have shot real guns, he’s outside without us a lot — and because he is one of those “all boy” kind of boys, he gets to climb and jump from whatever he thinks he can. However, he is a thoughtful child. He considers whether or not he is up to high and will climb down before jumping. He’s a boy, but he’s not suicidal!!
But, in many ways, I think I have failed him. I realized when I first found this site that I had never made him get his own glass and pour a glass of milk. Why? Because it’s just easier for me to do it — I don’t make a mess, etc. But, that has changed — started thinking of him calling me from college asking for help! We are working on using the microwave, as well as getting his own things from the fridge, etc.
We don’t live in a community that is set up for walking anywhere (unfortunately)! But, when I was growing up, my grandma and aunt lived a couple of blocks away from one another, and I was allowed to wander the entire neighborhood and go back and forth. They still live there, and my son is comfortable with the area, so we will start there — and allow him more independence.
I have to make an effort to be more free range. I work with children that are abused/neglected every day. But, what statistics don’t really show (at least not the stats in the media most often) is that a huge majority of the children that are sexually abused — it is done by a trusted family member or family friend — someone you would leave your child with no matter how “helicopter-ish” you might be.
I love this site and love all of the ideas of what other things I can do to teach my son to be more independent!!
I was a free-range kid (we were called “latchkey kids”) and I not only survived, I thrived. I don’t understand the paranoia today.
I’m 23 and from Chicago. When my siblings and I were young, we were allowed to go to the park, library, and school by ourselves. When I got to high school, I had to take public transportation by myself. I’ve also taken so many trips with my youth group in high school. Nothing ever happened. I don’t understand the appeal of keeping your kids in a bubble. Whenever a friend of mine tells me “I haven’t done ____”, I jokingly ask if they live under a rock.
I just discovered your website and I want to say thanks. I have a 2 & 3 year old. People seem shocked that I just let them in the backyard so I can get some peace or clean house. My yard is fenced and locked so they cant get out. They get muddy and play and go on their slide. When they need me they just walk right back in the house. I was so worried that I was wrong for this. Thank you for making me feel better. I was a free range kid and now I know that my kids will be too!
When I was five, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger, who managed to seperate me from my older brother and best friend. We were with a group of other older kids, at the elementary school within eyeshot of my mom’s kitchen window. The man was very convincing and my brother ignored all my parent’s warnings. The stranger used the old, “help me find my dog trick.” Well, it worked, and 27 years later I still suffer. I am the mother of four who feels anxious when I can’t see my kids. My eight year old daughter wants to go to a sleep over, and I am desperately trying to come up with an excuse not to let her. I hate being this way, I wish I could relax and let my kids have some freedom. But the thought of “what if” always plagues my mind. Once the damage is done, its done. You can never get that innocence back. I wish that horrible thing never happened to me, and I will probably live in this neurotic bubble the rest of my life. My kids will probably never visit after they leave home. I am jealous of free range moms. I pray you always have happiness.
I agree that if a 9 years old cannot do an errand unsupervised in any given city at daytime, it is time to evacuate and/or do something about crime.
I’d rather herd goats than live in such a war zone.
My fondest memories are the times when I was “free ranging”. My mother would lock the screen door while she cleaned the house and we played outside all day. I would wander through the woods by myself at young ages and explore. Picking blackberries, climbing trees, eating muscadines, catching frogs and avoiding snakes. Thank you, to my parents for giving me that opportuntity.
Parents can’t live in fear. That is a learned trait that our kids pick up. All the fear we teach them will hinder them reaching there full potential. Will our children be in danger? Yes! Will they get hurt ? Yes! But they will also learn how to deal with danger and how to over come the pain that life brings.
I love this conversation. Parents are fearful because of many reasons. One reason is that parents no longer know their neighbors. In most neighborhoods, people stay away from each other. There is very little communication between neighbors, other than the usual “Hi, How are ya?”. When I was growing up people were at home. They spent time visiting with their neighbors and getting to know them. Now, most families are busy with work, school, school activities, and other activities that keep them away from their homes and neighborhoods. Many neighborhoods look like ghost towns for a good part of the day for most days. We homeschool and see that our neighborhood is very quiet for most of the school year. Children are running off to extracurricular activities, spending time doing their homework, and spending all day in school. They don’t have much time for “free range” play. Young children in the summer go to daycare all day. We see them after 5:30. Of course in the winter, we live in Michigan, we see them only on the weekend.
I think we should think about the “free range” idea in regards to how much time do children have to explore and learn about the world around them. Walking to school and doing similar things is great, but how much time are children able to be “free”. I think parents need to think about this before signing them up for all kinds of activities, especially children who are in school or daycare all day. Children need time to ponder, play, explore, observe, create, and be free from organized anything.
I am happy that my children have about 12 hours each day to be “free range”. I do not allow my children to run the neighborhood and ride their bike around the block by themselves yet. I have very good reason for that. But they can play in the front yard, go to neighbors’ houses to play and stay over night, ride their bikes in the road, climb fences, climb trees, and many other things.
I am for. Freedom is the best gift that we can give our children.
I have no idea why parents have gotten so crazy! I live right across the street( not too busy one) from a park and I have people look at me like I’m a monster! I let my kids walk to school by themself they are 11,9 and 61/2. I do pick them up because my son in sk needs an adult to release him from class. My kids know danger and if they get hurt they won’t do it again. BTW my kids have had many stiches and bump and oddly enough it all happened in the house while I was with them! Give kids freedom! My kids are said to be polite and well behaved when out and they are really good kids but trap them in the house…I have had facs called on me because my son was double riding with my other son! Sure I don’t approve but geez why call facs I did it when I was younger and lived . I also had facs called because my 8 year old didn’t want to wear snow and I didn’t force him. Sure it was chilly but it wasn’t snowy! The worker has to come out but she was basically laughing her a$$ off! People have gotten crazy. They bring up paul branardo (he was from my town!) it was years ago and he is in jail. All of my years not one relitive or friend has gotten kidnapped. Those parents who baby there kids sicken mr geez like a 14 year old can’t walk hon a few blocks!
sorry I ment snow pants
I am a single father of four, ages 5-9, two boys and two girls. I live on a dead end street beside a large park. The park is barely used! I have talked to more than a few parents and most children in my area are not allowed in the park unsupervised. My kids are.! I encourage them to get out and play. I love my children I would never let any harm come to them. Keeping them locked in a house until I can supervise them is cruel. Parents have to learn to relax.
J
I totally agree. I have 3 kids and sometimes think I am raising a bunch of scared, paranoid kids. They are afraid of everything. I was able to leave my house after breakfast, hang with the neighbor kids (sometimes eating lunch at their house, without calling mom) and not coming home until it was dinner time. Then outside again, until dark. I didn’t have a cell, I didn’t check in, and I had GREAT parents.
When I was 8 I was molested in the bathroom of our local KMart. Nothing too severe. I was at KMart at lunchtime from school because my mother was busy that day. It was in the early 70s. Something told me to not tell anyone and that I would understand it when I was older. I was allowed to spend time in our local ravine, sail everywhere at our cottage and had many adventures. All places with potential for peril. Looking back I doubt my parents would have handled it well and likely it would have cost me the rest of my childhood as well as constant pity if I had told them. Not a good trade in my opinion. To this day they live fine without the knowledge. I think it is easy to discount the benefits of feeling a part of the world and inflate the sense personal feeling of taking responsibility of protecting your children from everything. 6464
I just found your website and am very interested in all the comments. I guess I could be defined as a helicopter Mom, who really wants to be more “Free range”..but I don’t even know where to start. I have a 15 year old daughter and 10 year old son….Where do I start?
hello, Lenore, i read your article about letting your son go on the subway in NY… and hats off to you! i really don’t know much about NY myself, but i doubt that you would have let your son go alone on the subway if it was too dangerous.
i wholeheartedly agree with the ‘free range’ philosophy. i’m in high school and i live in germany, outside a big city. the public transport here is excellent, so i see kids as young as 7 or 8 years old on the bus or tram. from when i was about 10, my parents would let me take the train into the city and meet up with my friends, see a movie, etc. all i can say is that, this sort of thing is great. i do have a cell phone and my parents are sometimes prone to being a bit overprotective, but i do have a lot of independence.
go free range parenting!
All FOR free range kids. I grew up in a big city with public transportation and I rode the subway bymyself when I was 9! Yes, times have changes, but what that really means is that our kids need to be prepared differently. My son has been coming home on the school bus and staying by himself for 2 hours since he was 10 (he is now 11). He calls me as soon as he gets home and locks all the doors. He knows he’s not allowed to go outside or have anyone over until we get home. When one of us does get home he takes off on his bike and roams the neighborhood. He does have a cell phone in case of emergency (nothing fancy, just a standard phone that will call home if needed).
I don’t see how keeping my child under surveillance will teach him anything!
How about the expression “curling” parents? These parents go in front of the kids sweeping the “court” smooth of all bumps and obstacles so that the child can glide to the “goal”. How can children cope with real life problems and obstacles as teenagers and adults if they never learn to master the ordinary situations that they are not even allowed to encounter?
Just read Rosa Brook’s Op Ed “Please, go outside and play”. You are a touch of fresh air and sanity.
Alice,
Please have a nice stiff Martini. Think about how the media has probably affected how safe you think the world is. You think you are being practical. You are ruled by fear. Is that any way to live life?
I have four children and I must say it is a struggle/does not come naturally to let them be free range. But I will continue to fight my own fears and let them build independence and enjoy the magically free time of childhood. I remember my own free childhood and am grateful to my parents for it. Are there really THAT many more bogeymen now than there were 30 years ago? More crazy drivers? More germs maybe?
Speaking of germs, one of the modern “inventions” that has always driven me nuts is those cloth shopping cart inserts for babies. Maybe it’s because with four kids I never had time to worry about germs on shopping carts or whether my baby might feel a tiny bit uncomfortable from the cool metal of the cart. Get out of the bubble!
I applaud you for letting your 9 year old son ride the subway by himself, within certain limits (time of day, proximity to home, prior education in how to ride safely, etc.). The subways are full of normal people who can see that a child is alone and would step in to help if he looked like he needed it.
Letting the kid fail: Let’s see, we can hire tutors, sign up for expensive after school help sessions, sit at a table and re-live our own high school years doing home work, or provide a quiet place, access to reference material and directions to the library. How much ADD/ADHD is related to these over-scheduled tots? I admit, I fell into the trap with our youngest, highly un-motivated daughter. I stewed, I spent, I re-learned algebra and trig, and finally I let her fail. She will graduate high school; after summer school this year and if she chooses, will go on to Community College where she can study whatever she wants. She will also work for spending money and to maintain her vehicle. The world isn’t a big dangerous jungle any more than it was 50 years ago. Unlike her mother and father, she has never ridden in a car without a seatbelt or a two door with a free-flopping front seat back!
I am a free ranger, in my mind, anyway. I am working on becoming more so, in practice. My daughter is only 5 so we have some room to work. What I want to know is what you all’s thoughts are about public vs. private schooling. I deplore the Public schools in my area, so she has been going to a private Pre-K and will be attending private for Kindergarten, but I am really beginning to question if continuing on with Private schools is the way to go. I mean we went to Public Schools and we are all fine, high acheivers, actually. I mean I could really be putting the $$$ away to pay for college, not spending it on the primary years. Thoughts, anyone???
Unfortunately I never had the wonderful experience of being a free range kid. My brother and I could go anywhere on our street and that was the limit. Even as teenagers it was a struggle just to walk a few blocks to catch the bus or to the store.
I am 24 & my younger brother is 21 and most kids from our generation were allowed to roam about, the paranoia really hadn’t set in.
I am a mother of a 2 year old and I let my little girl roam around the neighborhood and the park behind our houses with older neighbor kids and would not have a problem with granting her freedom as she gets older.
We are a military family stationed in Japan and out here kids walk to school and roam around pretty freely unlike back in the states and all the children here are safe.
I grew up as a “free range kid” in Long Island, NY. My parents grew up as free range kids in Bronx, NY and they took the subway often. I think kids today would do just fine free ranging in most neighborhoods.
I think half the problem is that the media over reports on the slightest child related situation anywhere in the U.S. making us all paranoid. I don’t believe that the world is so much more dangerous today than it was when I was a kid or when my parents were children.
Perhaps you have hit on why members of the previous generation are still living at home at age 30-35. They lack the confidence and skills to be independent. It never occurred to me that I would live at home after I was no longer in school.
Nor did I doubt that I could survive alone if necessary after I reached age 16.
My children are now 21 & 24. I was a “Free Range” single mom, of course I wasn’t called that in the community we lived in.
I had to deal with MY fears about letting my children be free in spite of all there is to be terrified about in our society. I had to have faith that my ability to stand for a greater expression for my children would prevail in spite of the huge abuse projected on me and my children from all sides. The estranged father, the schools, and worst of all the superior, self righteous parents that would not allow their children to associate with mine.
Irony, the worst of these parents, I learned about a year ago are suffering the anguish of the son they so controlled and suppressed is now serving a prison term for trafficking cocaine.
There are no guarantees in parenting, if we could just listen to what Kahil Gibran imparted and consider that the souls that grace our lives as biological children are not ours and not an extension of our ego identity. I do not take blame, nor do I take credit! What an extraordinary gift it is to know, to have shared in the experience the two people I call “my” children
has been and continues to be. They are exceptional people who truly are connected with what is true for them, fearless!
I’m almost 13, and in theory, I agree with everything posted here. Kids should have freedom — my friend has been traveling home alone since she was eight, and she’s still alive. In fact, despite someone’s comment that “A scared child is going to behave LIKE A SCARED child, filled with panic and possibly frozen in fear,” that particular friend was threatened at age 9 on the subway alone. She yelled, kicked, and punched, someone heard her, and she continued on the NYC subway home. The truth is, the comments about “…a gentleman was beaten and murdered on a subway platform…” may be valid, but need to be considered. What time was this, honestly? How many people were around? Because I personally would much rather be in a chaotic train station, such as the one at Union Square, then a calm, empty one where if some crazy guy came in, no one would be there to witness it.
I’ll admit that I’m personally paranoid, but being a rather intelligent person, I know enough to analyze the chances that I’m going to get home alive, and I’m reasonable. I’m not comfortable on the 6 train alone, but I’m more than happy to take the 1. I spent an hour walking around the Bronx Zoo area of the Bronx with friends, and the adult with us was blocks away. I feel comfortable in ANY situation if I’m with a friend, because I know that in a rare case where one of us is molested and no one listens to us yell, the other can run and get help.
This Halloween, I went around my 500-apartment-building alone with my 3 friends. My mom was reluctant to let me do that, but did she? Yeah. Did I come home alive? Obviously. Let me point out that my friend’s aunt was scandalized when she heard, because our building in Greenwich Village has a rather large gay population. She was horrified to hear that we went 2 feet inside a gay couple’s apartment to collect money from UNICEF. But guess what? They didn’t molest us, murder us, or abduct us. They’re nice people, and they’re not any different from a normal couple.
Children nowadays are equipped to deal with problems that may come up. Last year in sixth grade, half of our class was waiting in an empty classroom for the teacher to come, and a girl choked on a Starburst. She solved the problem herself by self-Heimliching, but I guarantee you that if she hadn’t done that, we would have stepped in reasonably. And that’s not just because we’re a “gifted school”: any kid is intelligent enough to solve a problem like that.
On the other hand, a couple things HAVE happened to me: a guy winked at me on the bus and walked to stand close to me (his breath smelled like weed), I was outside my piano teacher’s house and a guy biked past, mumbled something, then swung back around immediately and started to slow down when he got to me (I ran inside), etc. I took a self-defense class that made me more paranoid because we didn’t talk at all, just fought. So if anyone has anything encouraging to say, that would be appreciated. I can reason it out by myself, but I still don’t like taking the 6 alone, and would love to be comfortable doing that.
For the “times have changed” folks I can only say that the big change is the constant drone of “fear, terror, fear, terror, fear, terror…” The purpose of that is to cause us to be willing to give up our freedom for the protection of the great government nanny.
It’s going to be hard to break the fear grip so many moms are caught up in. My neighbor doesn’t even feel comfortable walking down the street for a visit after dark. She drives the 200 feet instead. How’s someone that fearful ever going to let her kid out alone?
I just read an article about free range kids and “amen”! I have three children and I watch over them, not hover over them. Their ages are 11, 14 and 17. They are all happy and healthy and they have all been allowed to roam and play outside in the neighborhood, parks and even ride their skateboards and bikes downtown which is about 8 miles away – all on their own! I gave them the tools early on and then let them go! That is the job of a parent in my view.
I have been told time and again how mature, independent and self sufficient they are. They know how to behave in an adult world without my constant hanging over their shoulders reminding them over and over. My job as a parent is to prepare them for that world and that is exactly what I am doing and it is such a pleasure to see someone like Lenore Skenazy putting herself out there with such a bold mission. Carry on!
It’s almost like fear-based parents think that if they do everything just right, their child will live forever and ever. They never stop to think, “Who wants to live in a bubble?”
I was a free range kid, and have years of happy memories exploring my city, and am not scared of the world like so many people my age!
My son loves being able to explore the woods near our house, making up his own games and playing to his heart’s content.
My sons are raised but I totally agree with your perspective. Even though we live in a changed world from our childhood, we are part of that fear and paranoia when we super-protect our kids. i love Rosa Brooks’ article on Lenore’s movement. Go, Lenore, with a dose of balance!
I love the idea of “free-range” children… glad to have a name for it now. My son is 7-1/2. He enjoys going outside to play with the other children. They stay in front of the house. It’s a small street, with little traffic. They know how to get out of the way of cars. They ride their bikes, play ball, play secret agent games, and have a great time. They are being active and creative (and not playing video games or watching tv!!). I also have stuff for them to do in my back yard… behind a closed gate. If there is a stranger walking by, they have the sense to come in the yard.
My only problem … and this is a big one … and I want to know what other parents are thinking about it. … the problem is with OTHER FREE RANGE CHILDREN!!
I have very clear limits … boundaries… he can’t go past “Chelsea’s House”. I also expect him to be respectful to others. But other parents don’t do the same thing. There are parents around here that seem to send their kids outside and … don’t want them to come back! These kids are out there bullying other kids…and the teenagers are really annoying… with fire crackers, throwing bricks.. .some running around with knives. If certain kids are out there, I don’t let my child go out… or just have him stay in the yard… or come in right away if they come around.
I’m trying to figure out what to do… because their parents are not in control of them! I’m going to talk to the block club lady… when I get her number… but also thinking about calling my city council member… or police.
What do other people do??
My husband and I are all for free range kids! As I often ask other parents, “How can you possibly feel comfortable about letting your “child” behind the wheel of a 3,000 pound vehicle when you won’t even let them ride their bike in their own neighborhood.?” It’s insane! We are failing our children because we are not teaching them to be responsible. As a result, when they are allowed that freedom, (at a much older age) they are horribly irresponsible!
We have a 12 year old and a 9 year old, and while we worry about their first steps toward independence, it is crucial that they learn to be responsible. We allow them to ride to a friends house (with helmets) or to their school playground. They have to call before they leave for home so we know when to expect them or let us know when they arrive at their destination. If they are going for a walk, we ask that they take a two way radio with them (no cell phones, yet).
To all the parents out there: please consider for the health of your children and your family, that they be allowed to prove that they can be responsible. It will go a long way toward creating a happy and healthy teenager and adult!
It sounds all well and good but my son is autistic and the idea of setting him free and just saying ” Hey good luck” is not appealing to me. I think parents should be able to raise their kids as they see fit. Apparently, you are one of those people who hates autistic kids and considers then inhuman and thus do not count in these sort of ” feel good” adventures. Let me clear something up. My son IS a human. He does matter. The idea that you wish he were dead is disgusting.
Did you see this last night on PBS?
If not, keep an eye open for a rerun.
http://www.wttw.com/main.taf?erube_fh=wttw&wttw.submit.EpisodeDetail=1&wttw.EpisodeID=169598&wttw.Channel=WTTW
I was raised free range – used to leave on a Sat. morning on my bike and go for miles all day. Always made it home by dinner or just before. Raised a free range daughter.
I believe one of the unintended consequences of raising a “non free ranger” is that the child/adult never learns self-control. Look at the “spring break orgy fests.” Those didn’t happen in my time, but then when I was a college student, we didn’t go on “spring break” the way it is now either as most of us had to work part-time just to be in college. If children are micro-managed their entire lives and then finally “let loose,” is it any surprise that they might do everything to excess? Nobody is there anymore telling them what to do or not do, and they have absolutely no idea about what to do or not do themselves as they’ve had zero training. When I left my home state for college, college students didn’t have cars, so we walked, took buses, trains or whatever, and during my tenure at a major university in a large city, not one student was “abducted.” It’s a tragedy, and there have been and will always be a criminal element in our society; however, it’s possible that people in my generation had learned to take care of themselves and depend on their own instincts, weighing negatives and positives and then making a decision which young people today don’t seem to be able to do. Again, they’ve had no practice.
There is also a psuedo-free range parent from my observations. Those are parents who hover and interfere when they think their kids have made them look bad, like yelling at coaches or teachers for having the audacity to discipline or expect something from their kids, but who let their kids roam endlessly or drive endlessly with no observable rules. These are parents who think nothing of taking off for a weekend leaving the kids home alone to fend for themselves and age has nothing to do with it. They also tend to use their kids to do the chores around the home like mowing the lawn, etc., etc. while the parents just stand around yelling at them to work.
I liked growing up the way I did because my dad always took us camping, skiing, hiking, traveling or whatever, and he taught us about lots of things along the way – useful things which have come in handly over the years, so I can repair my own flat tire, fix a sticking door knob, take care of myself if I became stranded, etc., etc. I think my life was far more interesting and enlightening than the lives led today by most young people.
I am for freerange kids!
I do have a child, but he is less than two months of age – not exactly prime candidate just yet. I have every intention of allowing him the freedom to make decisions for himself and learn from his mistakes.
I grew up in a half and half world, as far as freerange goes. My mother raised me for the first years of my life in a moderate sized city in the 80s. I was allowed to run and play and climb and bike to my heart’s content. I had a little brother to keep an eye on, and lots of other kids to play with. Our mornings were spent at home, doing our chores, and after lunch, we got out for as long as we possibly could. There were rules – call home if anything bad happens, and be home by the time the street lights come on. That gave us a good 6-8 hours unsupervised.
I moved out to the country when I was 7, and my father raised me entirely differently – no going more than 4 houses away (less than a city block) and call to check in every hour, curfew of 6pm. Basically, be in sight, or we want to know where you are, what you’re doing and who you’re with every hour. If plans change, we want to know that, and OK it first.
I have friends with older kids, and they take parenting overboard as well. My one friend’s son was about 3 1/2 years old, and I was babysitting him. It was mid-July, but raining outside. He wanted to play in the backyard. I told him to put on his pants, a shirt and his rubber boots and sent him out to splash in the mud puddles to his heart’s content. When he came back in, covered in mud from head-to-toe, I picked him up, and carried him (clothes, rainboots and all) straight to the bathtub for a good hose-down. She came home as he was getting in the tub (still fully clothed) and lost her mind. She screamed and asked me just what the hell I thought I was doing? I told her he was playing, and he was going to clean up now. She berated me for about an hour about how he can’t go outside, and certainly not when it’s wet.
I reasoned that he is 1. a child, 2. a boy 3. not allergic to fresh air and 4. wanting/needing to play and have fun.It was warm summer rain, and he was fine, just a bit dirty. She did eventually calm down, but to this day, he is still only allowed to play in his room.
Who’s crazy?
I’m all for free-range kids!!
I was raised by an overprotective father. Although I always walked to school the proverbial miles in the snow, I wasn’t allowed to ride a bike on the road until I was 15!!
All those years of protection based on fear seriously influenced my self esteem. How can a child believe he can handle a situation, if he is constantly protected from the chance of failure?
I am now consciously trying to raise my young teenage sons without the cloak of fear that I always felt around me. (With one of them allergic to peanuts, it takes even more courage for me to let him own the responsibility for his condition.)
No one said parenting was going to be easy, but we need to show our kids that we believe in them. It’s the best gift we can give them!
When I was a kid, I routinely left the house in the morning and stomped around our rural neighbourhood all day, playing in the woods, throwing pebbles int the river, riding my bike for miles and miles and miles.
When I was 10, we moved to London, England for a year. I walked to school every day, as did all the kids. Again, I’d routinely leave the house to go to the park, go to the shops, go visit friends.
I’m astonished to see how over-protective parents have become. In a misguided effort to protect their children from the extremely remote possibility of harm, we’re raising a generation of diabetic couch-potatoes with diminshed life expectancy and a severely diminished prospect for quality of life, but health-wise and in terms of their sense of independence and self-reliance.
Stop child abuse. Let them out of your sight.
To those who posted ‘Something bad happened to a kid alone when I was young’ — do you realize how stupid this reply is? Of course something bad MIGHT happen. You know what that situation is called? It’s called being alive. If you drive down a highway with your kid instead of letting him walk, do you think that somehow you can guarantee nothing bad will happen? Have you ever seen that stats on auto accidents? Yet I bet you safety nuts think nothing of driving 65 for four hours to go visit grandma!
And you know what else — if you over-protect your kid, something bad WILL happen — they won’t know how to deal with the world independently.
I cannot agree more that our children are not being allowed to simply play especially outside. Free Range children sounds like a lovely way to describe what our children and we were as kids but seems to have disappeared lately.
We have four young grandchildren and our aim for gifts is toward the great outdoors and/or outdoor exercise.
When our grandchildren are with us we limit their TV, video games, computer time and make them amuse themselves or spend time outside…
The two eldest are old enough to go off together in our neighborhood so when they are here in July I will let them do just that using the buddy system of course, as they are not here often so not familiar with the area.
We have four year old twins next door and you are right about how they are given an adult world of stress and organization, while not being allowed to just play… They have been in organized activities such as swimming lessons, skating and now soccer since they were able to walk it seems. Their parents are stressed out and I see the girls going down the same road already.
I think we are so overprotective because we only have one or two children per person. That’s why I’m going to have at least twice as much. I guess if you have several children you don’t worry more but rather less, as you realize that you can’t control their lives anyway…
When i was 10, my 8 year old sister and I flew on a transatlantic flight from Albuquerque New Mexico to Hawaii. Someone was supposed to meet us in Los Angeles, but when we arrived the person wasn’t there. I had my tickets and my luggage, and managed to get my sister and I to the correct terminal (if you have been to LAX there are different terminals, we walked from 1 to 4 to catch the plane), but we also made another transfer in Hawaii. We made it. Was it terrifying? Yes, but it also gave me a gift that I have carried with me through my life: the ability to remain calm and problem solve in times of crisis.
My situation was an accident, and the same situation would never happen now. I do think that children need to learn how to think on their feet. I often think of my own sons and wonder if they could have done the same thing I did as a kid. I honestly don’t know. My boys have flown all over the country alone, and I have allowed them to do things that other parents have told me is risky. Life is risky, and there is only so much we can protect them.
Another incident that comes to mind, when my son was 5 we went on a cruise. He and his older brother were with a group of kids for a supervised event. My youngest son, who has always wandered, got separated from the group. The leaders called security, and a 3 hour search went on as they looked in the water with search lights and were convinced he had gone overboard. In a panic, I went to my room to find a picture of him that I had in our travel documents. I found my son, in bed, crying. This 5 year old got lost and had the foresight to go to our room, unlock the door and wait. He was worried because I had been gone for 3 hours. I realized then that this kid listened to me, and was much more competent then I had ever thought.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. Only you know your son and his abilities, and you have obviously done your job as a parent.
I asked my two 20-something daughters if I was a Bad Mom — starting about the time they could walk, they grew up on horseback doing feeding, grooming and mucking chores at 6AM and 6PM before THEY ate; I forced them to read ME bedtime stories take the bus to school and walk a whole mile uphill, and I put them on airplanes from age 8 (alone) from Hawaii to California. When they thought they were getting away with being AWOL on curfew, I would call the parents of all their friends — at 2AM, or the other parents called me. We all survived through a CONSPIRACY OF CARE … not fear, not over-protectiveness. They told me to tell you to LET THE CHILDREN GO!! If they are still talking to me after all these years, and if most of these website responses agree — then let’s DITCH THE CYBERNANNY AND LET THEM BE GOOD, RESPONSIBLE, FEARLESS YOUNG PEOPLE! Me ke aloha pumehana — Hilo
Thanks for establishing this website; it helps me to see the other side, helps me to understand what some other parents must think of me. I am the mother of 3 children, ages 9, 5 and 1.
Here is my own perspective on the subject:
I truly doubt that the people who post for children to be left unsupervised are personal survivors of childhood abuse; if so, their comfort range would probably be quite different. I suffered the life-long scars of it, and unfortunately have several family members who have also been victims. I have a number of friends who have also survived abuse. One of my own predators was a Baptist “youth group” leader who sexually assaulted me; another was a total stranger who exposed himself to me. Within my close circle of friends and relatives, I know people assaulted by family members, by a scout leader, by a babysitter and trusted family friend, etc. Most were men, but two were victimized by women. So I know that child predators come in all shapes and sizes. I know to be exceptionally wary of those adults who go out of their way to be allowed unsupervised access to children. Sometimes the predators are strangers; more often they are acquainted with their victims. A child left alone can easily be influenced by an acquaintance that they have learned to trust; they can be lured into a compromising and dangerous situation. If this happens, they could survive, but it is a horrible loss of their innocence. The damage will never be undone, even though the child can learn to live with it.
My view is opposite of what seems to be the prevalent view from posters on this website; I think that more children are victimized than people realize; I think that it has always been that way. Personally, I didn’t tell anyone about the worst things that happened to me until almost 8 years after it occurred. I carried a deep sense of shame that it was somehow my fault; that I should have been able to prevent it, even though I was only 11 and he was an adult. How many other children are also suffering in silence? All of these victims do not appear in the statistics that posters on this website want to cite. I tell you now from what I experienced, if you praise your child for their strong, independent spirit and they do become victims who survive, they will probably never tell you about the incident. They will do as I did; they will carry the shame in silence, so as to never disappoint your perception of them.
I also think that there are more child predators now than in previous times, due to the vast array of child pornography available on the internet, which makes perverse gratification just a mouse-click away from anyone. This sort of material was always out there to some extent, but it was harder to obtain in the past. People might have had general perverse thoughts, but it wouldn’t become a compulsion as quickly without the ability to so easily feed the beast within them. Now they can easily view limitless images in the privacy of their homes every day; it is changing our society. It is a natural progression to go from visualization stimulation to acting out the things that they see. I do believe that the mother who posted here that she dropped her 9-year-old son off alone at Bloomingdales in NYC to enjoy a day of shopping and left him to take the subway and bus home alone was taking an unnecessary risk with her child’s life and well-being. He came home safe; they were both lucky. I really doubt she would have made that choice if she had ever been assaulted; that experience proves to you that crime is real and it doesn’t just happen to other people. Perhaps it is a rather remote possibility that an individual child will be abducted by a stranger. It is also a very remote possibility that an individual child will be struck by lightning, but I don’t allow my kids to play outside in a thunderstorm. Am I being overprotective then also?
I also try to shield my kids from the bullying that many children endure at the hands of other kids when left on their own; again my views are based on my own life experience. My dear sister suffered such terrible teasing from other children at school that she still has absolutely no self-confidence, even though she is now 48 years old. Children often fall into a “pack” mentality when they are in an unsupervised group setting; they often turn viciously on anyone who seems weak or easy prey. They pump up their own self-esteem by tearing down someone else. Some children suffer through the taunts and end up stronger for it; but others are crushed and never fully recover emotionally. My sister’s lack of self confidence has prevented her from achieving her full potential in the job market; she doesn’t speak up for herself and her accomplishments are overlooked. If she had been spared this early trauma, I think that her whole life might have been very different; and her own children might not have had to grow up in poverty. To this day, my sister is much more comfortable in the presence of animals than people.
We have all seen the news stories about the children who suffered bullying and reacted violently instead of shutting down emotionally like my sister did. They might have been different people if an adult had been there to stop a negative situation from escalating into the trauma that destroyed these kid’s compassion and sense of the value of life.
The trauma that I have seen in my life experience has made me wary, but that doesn’t mean that we sit home in the house all the time to stay safe. We are very active and do lots of activities outside. The kids do play in the back yard on their own. They play at the park with other kids, but I am on a bench within distance to hear and see if they get injured. In my opinion, children have plenty of time in their later teen years and early twenties to learn to deal with life on their own. I don’t see any need to rush things by setting them out alone in their most vulnerable young years. This is when they are setting their emotional foundation. I hope that my own children have a solid foundation on which to build their lives, without the devastating cracks left by abuse. I hope that they will have more joy and confidence than those of us who were victimized. Of course I can’t protect them from everything; they get injured and have already been bullied at times; they have even behaved poorly or aggressively at times themselves, but I am glad that I was close enough by to be able to address the poor behavior promptly, so that they could not set down bad patterns.
I have great difficulty in trusting others with my children; I am the sort to want to be nearby to watch out for them until they are physically old enough to really defend themselves; probably somewhere around their mid-teens. They are able to do things for themselves, but I’m close enough to step in if needed; I think of it as being a safety net for a tight-rope act.
For all our children, I hope the views expressed by the majority on this website are correct and that I am wrong. I hope that I am just paranoid. Perhaps I am risking emotionally scarring my children by protecting them more closely than my own parents did me. I’ll take that risk, though. I know what it feels like to live with the consequences of being given my freedom to learn to get along in the world on my own before I was truly able to protect myself. I sincerely hope that none of these “free-range” kids learn that horrible lesson.
This is just my view, based on my life experience. Each of us must make the choice that seems right for their family.
An addendum to my prior post. What is it you suggest be done to those parents who have the audacity to
diagree with you and raise their kids in a different
fashion. Prison time? Death? Sodomy of their children? Which of these choices do you think they
deserve for having the insane idea of bringing up their
children as they see fit instead of bowing down and
obeying your instructions on how to bring them up. As always I think parents know best for their individual kids and should be able to raise their kids how they want to. I know you disagree and want to tell us how
we should all raise our kids so please answer my
question and let me and my son know what our punishment will be. Thanks!
I’m 25 (so a young mom). When I grew up, my mother was a lazy mom. They type who would say “go to your room or go outside but go away from me” because she didn’t’ want to deal with us. She’d leave me along with several younger siblings so she could go to the bar. I learned a lot of things and am very independent…but I learned hard and fast with no safety net because mom didn’t care.
I’d say my daughter is fairly free range…but she does have a safety net. Me. And it’s harder to let her be independent than to over-protect her. Over-protecting is EASY! Letting my 6-year-old (a 1st grader) do things on her own is HARD.
She talks to strangers while I’m with her so that if we get separated, she knows who to talk to and what to say. We’ve practice a lot. How else would she learn to interact with them safely? And she does occasionally get lost because she’s not afraid to wander off by herself.
I bite chew my nails every day from 8:15 when I know her father leaves for work until she walks in the door at home having walked the ½ block home from her school bus stop. She leaves for the bus stop when her dad leaves for work and she stands and waits with the other kids. If the bus doesn’t come, she knows she can let herself in at home and call me or she can go into B’s house for his mom to call me or she can go into “nice old neighbor lady’s house” and call from there. She knows what to do because we talked about it and she’s proven she can do it.
If I’m browsing for books, I can send her with money to go grab herself a snack from the bookstore’s coffee shop when she gets bored. She can sit by herself at a restaurant table while I go use the bathroom…and on nice days she can ride her bike down the street with the other neighborhood kids while I sit on the deck and read without interfering.
The main difference that I see between “free-range” and “neglect” is that free-range encourages independance within reasonable limits and teaches childrenhow to cope when something goes wrong. My daughter knows she can ALWAYS call me or come to me for help but for the most part, she doesn’t need it or want it. My mother didn’t/wouldn’t help; she could barely take care of herself.
I am for Free Rang Kids, and until today I didn’t realize that was how I was raising my daughter. Reading an article in my local paper sent me here. I will be passing this on to all of my friends-with or without kids.
I let my daughter ride her bike around the neighborhood. Every so often I am on the back porch calling out her name. She yells back, “I’m over here!” and that’s all I need. On the weekends she only comes inside to eat and then she’s off to the wide world of bugs, bike races, and tree forts. I don’t have to see her but, she has to be where she can hear me. She often walks (alone) the few blocks from our house to the convenience store with a pocket full of piggy bank money. I am comfortable with all of this because I have taught my daughter about safety. Safety with strangers, roads, dogs and anything and everything I can think of to help her keep herself safe. I believe in giving boundaries but, withing those boundaries is the freedom for her to make her own choices. Freedom to grow, learn and become better for having to learn something on her own.
Children are little people with wonderfully working minds, not cattle to be herded and fenced. Teach them the skills and they will put those skills to use.
Joe Kavanagh,
Of course you can raise your kids as you see fit, and some kids with disabilities may have special needs. The only punishment for “parents who have the audacity to diagree [sic] with” free range parenting is having to live with the kids they raise. In many cases those kids will be fine, but how many 20-somethings are living with and off their parents instead of starting families of their own? At some point you do indeed need to send them off on their own and say “good luck”, and they’ll do better if you prepare them beforehand.
I am so thrilled that sanity is starting to return to parenting. My kids have been free range for several months now, even before I read Lenore’s column. It seems to be the general attitude in the neighborhood I live in. However, it’s been a real hard concept for my husband. On Easter, he brought the kids in the house and told me they were grounded for the day. What could they have done wrong, to be grounded on a holiday? They saw a friend across the street, and they crossed the street to talk to him. (My kids are 8 and 5). After about an hour, I had to tell my husband (at the risk of getting in big trouble myself) that I ALWAYS let the kids cross the street, as long as they stick together and tell me where they are going. The fact is, I simply can’t keep them locked in the house all the time, and I certainly can’t follow them around everywhere, or I’ll never get anything done.
I’m really surprised at the reaction that this is getting..I haven’t seen anything that points to letting our kids do anything that would endanger thier lives on this site! I let my 6 yr old play outside…ALL DAY….. she checks in every hour or so…and if she decides to switch houses where she’s at….she knows my phone number…and manages to come home when it starts to get dark. granted ..we live in a gated apartment complex…and maybe thats why i feel she’s safe doing this. the only negative response I have gotten is that my children could possibly be taken from me for ” neglect “….this confuses me….somewhat frightens me…but in the end my lack of paranoia wins. I had a wonderful childhood….I roamed the neighborhoods and was never abducted….sure things happened, but things happen to kids…..keep it up lady! you’re fighting the good fight…..
reply to ” anonymous on april 14th ”
I WISH my kids WANTED to stay in with me….they want to play out side …in the sun…with children thier own age! my kids wouldn’t be at you house for snack time…because they bring the whole neighborhood home to get snacks at my house ….leaving barely enough time to kiss my kids goodbye as they race out the door ! I’m sure there are a bunch of lazy , wierd, parents out there….but not everyone who believes that children deserve some responsible freedoms…enjoy having thier children away from them. I miss my kids…and another thing…I ALWAYS make time for ” family time”…..which DOES NOT include television and video games…..
I wish you would do an article on all the germ freak moms. Here’s the title: Let them Eat Germs. I think we are killing our kids with Purell. We didn’t have that stuff.
Thanks for the perspective.
WOW!!!! Finally an honest piece on how ridiculously ‘parental’ we’ve become as a nation. I hope this is indicative of a growing trend. I’m so glad to see that there are still people out there who don’t consider parental discretion A CRIME!!
First you should know this: I’m 43 years old and a father of 5. Free range is a term I’m used to hearing in conversations about farm animals – but I’m all for the notion of helping our children learn to behave independently – THEIR LIVES MAY DEPEND ON IT SOME DAY – MINE DID!!!
I grew up in Baltimore City taking the Public #8 bus up Greenmount Avenue with my two sisters (me 7, them 8 and 9) by ourselves for a 30 minute ride to school (if you know Baltimore City you know the route). It was frightening at times, admittedly; we were offered things that children ought not be offered, we heard things that children ought not hear and God knows we saw things that children ought not see – but we survived, our ears didn’t permanently close and we weren’t blinded by what we saw — we learned how to respond, how to think on our feet, how to keep our eyes and ears open, how to interpret our environment, how to interact (or not) with others, how to always know a ‘way out’, how to help keep an eye on our brothers/sisters (or friends for that matter), how to spot trouble and avoid it, how to spot safety and get it, how to count on ourselves, how to be confident in ourselves, how to grow up and live, HOW TO BE FREE, and we were and are better for it.
We took that bus every single school day, in the 70’s (you know — the time of inner city curfews, bussing, desegregation and every kind of social unrest you can imagine) – and WOW, look, we made it. We had a few bumps and bruises, but you know what, that’s part of life and we’re OK. Yes it would have been horrible if something truly bad had happened to us, and yes, truly bad things can happen – but the point is, they didn’t. I could have choked on a hotdog or uncut grape at two years old, but I didn’t. I could have fallen down the stairs and broke my neck when I was learning to walk, but I didn’t. I could have been seriously injured or died in a car crash on thousands of occasions, but I didn’t. I could have electrocuted myself playing with the outlets in my home, but I didn’t. I could have died of massive brain hemorrhage when the limb my father was cutting from the tree came down on my head, but I didn’t. I could have been hit by that car and died when I was riding my bike across that busy street, but I didn’t. I could have cried my eyes out until my parents decided they should drive us to school instead of making us ride that dirty, smelly, disgustingly wonderful bus, but I didn’t. I was a young man at 7, with my young lady sisters at 8 and 9 – we weren’t just children, we were people, we were real, we knew things, we were strong and brave and smart and streetwise and we were FREE and we knew it.
When I was 10, after 3 years of riding that bus, I could have let that man who swore he was a Policeman take me off that #8 bus. To take me God knows where to do God knows what, BUT I DIDN’T – I didn’t because I understood how things worked, I had seen so much with my very own eyes. I understood how things worked, I had heard so much with my very own ears – I was allowed to have the experience – and that experience helped me develop the WISDOM that saved my life for sure that day – no doubt about it!!
As a child of one of the original helecopter parents, I must comment not for this idea, but against those that think helecopter parenting is the norm or should be. As a teenager I was not allowed to go anywhere with out parental suppervision until I was 17 (I was walked to and from school by my mom). At 16 I was grounded for mentioning getting my driver`s licence. At 23 I was diagnosed with Agoraphobia and I consider myself lucky. I`ve had a friend comit suicide rather than live with the fear, and depression that her parents instilled in her and I`ve known of others by reputation. I`ve known others that have had their lives ruined because they just didn`t know what they were doing was stupid.
Parents today are so paranoid that they are raising a generation of incompetant kids uncapable of taking care of themselves. I am the proud parent of an independant 19 y.o. kid who can take care of himself – feed,clothe, deposit his money, etc…and we let him have as much freedom as we could – he flew to Chicago on his own and met his friend and parent- at the airport and came home in one piece.
We get complimented on how our kid is so nice and respectful that we cherish the fact that we let him be free and “LEARN” how to take care of himself. He doesn’t ask us for HELP, just ADVICE because he wants to take care of it himself without his parents showing him how. Paranoid Parents SUCK!
For:
Of course, both of my kids started martial arts at age 4, swimming lessons at 5 and safety lessons all along. But now at 19 and 16 both are sensible, adventurous free-range teens. Neither can skate board worth a darn, though.
Um, for. And really glad to see I’m not alone. Thanks for starting this blog! Great stuff. Where can I get my “I Raise Free Range Kids” bumper sticker?
A Dad,
You replied to my post that some kids with disabilities may have special needs. You obviously must be an expert on the matter! I would say all or
most kids with disabilities have special needs . I get your message that my punishment is that I am stuck with my kid and I know that. Yes, A dad, I have a child who is disabled and it is my problem and I will deal with it. Sure, I wish from our society or from other parents I could get some help but alas most people are like you. He’s your problem. You deal with it and we will just look the other way and not give any thought to kids who need assistance. You are very cold-hearted but most people are so I suppose that is to
be expected. As far as how many tweny-year olds are living with their parents, well I do not have those statistics here. I think you are implying that there are alot of them. I don’t know I guess 50 million or more. I would say that if their parents are fine with them living at home still then what businesss is it of yours? You do not want to help disabled kids but you feel the need
to judge other parents’ style of raising their kids. How sweet. Lastly, I hope some day that my son can go out into the world with good luck and everything else I have given him but realistically it probably won’t happen. He is profoundly autistic. He will probably never get to go to college, have a career, go on a date or fall in love. What could be worse than that. I realize that most of the “free range parents” are enjoying a
laugh now at my son’s expense and that’s fine; your kids do it all the time at school. I honestly hope none of you ever have any kids with developmental or physical limitations. It’s difficult. It’s even harder knowing that people who wouldn’t help me in a heart beat are so very happy to judge me and tell me I should throw caution to the wind and let him drive a car or own a gun or whatever it is you think a 10 year old autistic boy should do. Finally, I also know from
reading online postings that alot of people do not even
think autism is real. They think the kid just needs a spanking or something from what I have read. Rest asured, autism is real. My son doesn’t need discipline.
He’s a great kid. He is going to go as far as he can and I will be behind him 100%. So choke on that, free rangers!!!
I’m even against laws for car seats and seatbelts, actually. I used to sit with my legs ticking straight out for days as we drove on. What seatbelt? When I learned that kids were supposed to have carseats until they reached 50 lbs. I thought it was ridiculous. I weighed 50 lbs. at 10 1/2 years old. I had been holding the brake for Mom way younger than that. It should be the child and parents’ and other loved ones’ judgment that figures out how long to use a car seat. They are very expensive, uncomfortable and immobilizing. What does it teach a child to be padded and armored every hour? That ordinary, slight risks are terrifying? That one must neverr try to judge danger for oneself? That invisible all-knowing experts control every second of life in every way? I faced danger and sometimes was hurt growing up, but I escaped the damage of an unlived, unconfronted life. Thank God.
I have to rant over the parenting-of-adults craze, too. You overprotective parents out there: Your adult children aren’t children. They are adults. It’s sickening to do their homework, fill out their parework, and call their bosses to argue for raises for them. You are treating 19-year-olds like 15-year-olds, 15-year-olds like 12-year-olds and 12-year-olds like 8-year-olds by any measure. You could actually make a case that some of you are treating 19-year-olds like 3-year-olds, and the result is rebellion and madness for everyone.
Joe Kavanaugh,
I’m very sorry that you took my response the wrong way. Clearly, your son, because of his disability, is not prepared to be sent off on his own, now or, as you suggest, ever, and your recognizing and accepting this reflects well, not poorly, on you. That is why I said specifically that many kids with disabilities have special needs in this department, and your son clearly fits into this category. I certainly don’t look down on or judge parents of kids with disabilities like your son’s. Indeed, I am somewhat in awe of the effort required, and am myself profoundly thankful that my children are healthy and capable of ranging free. I’m not sure why you think that anyone here is laughing at you and your son, but rest assured, I certainly am not.
I do think, however, that the vast majority of children who don’t have severe disabilities would do better if they were allowed to range free. I’m sorry that your son is unable to do so, and I hope against hope that his condition will improve. Good luck to you and to him.
I had a helicopter mom and guess who ended up sexually abusing me? My stepfather. Most children who are hurt are hurt by someone they know and trust.
I don’t think I would let my four year old go to the park (because of a major intersection between the house and the park) but my sister won’t even let her twelve year old take out the trash alone. Everything should be taken in moderation and with some common sense.
Silly the things we worry about and the things that completely slip our minds.
Go FreeRange!
My daughter has been walking to school since September; she was 7 and some months at the time she started.
We don’t live in the States, but I would let her walk with a friend there.
A couple of days ago, I witnessed a birthday party for a 3 year-old. It starts then. While my 2 1/2 yo is perfectly capable of eating on her own and drinking out of a normal glass, this set of kids needed their mothers for every move, for every bit and for some sips even though they had straws. The mothers hovered the entire time. Amazing.
My college-age daughter tells tales of kids who e-mail all of their term papers home for their parents to edit.
I think job of a parent is to put yourself out of business. The way you do that is to let you kids go…little by little. They walk to the school bus stop, they go to the corner grocery for milk, they ride their bike to their friend’s house. After each of these little successes, they feel confident about their ability to do stuff and so do you.
Soon, they are independent, fully-functioning adults who are able to make dinner reservations and pick up the check – without your help.
Carol
http://www.carolband.com
More food for thought :
What is missing is that this is not a one size fits all- I lived in NYC and in small towns- NYC is 24 hrs a day alive with regular safe people and stores, transportation open at all hours-In NYC I never felt unsafe despite 2 run ins. But isolated stretches in small towns can be worse than NYC- so I do think parents need to guage what they alow their kids to do the situation.
I am in my 40’s- I do not think parents are over worried, but at the same time kids do need freedom – as a child I had a few close calls in my free roaming- surrounded by 3 men in the woods, a man chased my younger sister and at 8 my presence scared him off. As a young adult I have been chased down in my car, followed, surrounded on a subway, had someone try to jump in my back seat at a stoplight. I do not go out of my way looking for trouble and fortunately I was able to escape each time
I do think kids vary- I was 1 of 6 in a middle class suburban town and some of us were streetwise, some not and some could get lost 2 blocks from home.
There are predators at church, at events- I do not want to create a fearful child, and keeping a child home does no good- but I want to raise a smart one- we go through scenarios on what to do and how to recognize bad guys. We teach how to be safe as a kid and not to make themselves a target. But I do not want to put down the legitimate fears of parents- the internet has created a culture addicted to abberent behavior- kids need to be trained to keep away from this growing segment in our society.
Chris’ post is I think the most rationale- know how to be safe, learn and teach those skills- but do not pretend they do not exist.
Hi, I’m posting from Montreal, Canada, but this really has to do with New York City.
In the 1950s, I used to spend my Christmas and Easter holidays visiting my late grandmother, who lived at 382 Wadsworth Avenue, near 193rd Street, in Washington Heights (far uptown Manhattan). Washington Heights in that era was a quite heavily Jewish area.
I can distinctly remember travelling around New York on the subway by myself between the ages of 13 to 17 years old, and maybe even slightly younger, although I can’t really be sure. In fact, I was as familiar with parts of New York as I was with the Montreal suburb where I grew up.
A Dad
Well, thank you for the kind words. Perhaps, I misjudged your comments and postings. I am unsure
how far he will go but rest assured my son will succeed and go as far as his abilities let him. To be honest, who can say anymore than that with any certainty. I suppose I expect laughter and ridicule when I discuss my son’s autism because that is usually what I get. I have gotten some terrible and cruel replies from my postings here ( not from you ) and alot of scorn in the real world. It is bad enough when kids make fun of my son but when the parents join in or encourage it well that is just very disappointing. The upside of autism is that you do not
care what other people think in fact their opinion does
not even rate a response in most cases. Thus, my son is fairly unaware of this behavior. But I see it and it does bother me. That is my weakness. I get insulted when people ( adults and children ) make sport of my son’s condition. And yes, you may have trouble believing this but most of these parents consider themselves free range parents. So, I am not against your movement at all. Just against the idea that parents should not raise their kids the way they want to but they should raise them the way YOU want them to or the way Lenore Skenazy wants them to. I think parents know best what’s right for their kids. I know I do for mine anyway. I was definitely upset by this site but in retrospect it was mostly just the notion that here are parents who have almost nothing to complain about( I know everyone has problems but sorry if a disability is not involved ; it’s not that much to complain about ) and thus they complain about the way other people are raising their kids. It just seems to me if I was in your situation I would just thank God or Vishnu or Fate or whoever that my kids are healthy and just keep quiet. If someone is bringing their kids up differently, well, just accept it and maybe they have their reasons for this and just leave them alone and keep quiet. Everyone has their right to voice concerns but sometimes I wish people would walk in my shoes for just a minute then I think you would grab your kids and hold them close. Then, think there but for the grace of god go I. I say that and believe me I am not a religious guy ok? So, anyway, best of luck to everyone and just try a little compassion and understanding with people like my son. Treat me however you wish; LOL. But my son, cut him some slace. He’s doing the best he can. Thanks.
When I see the fear in parents today I can’t imagine how their children will grow up. It will be a generation of cringing adults, locked their homes in fear and tied to their computers, afraid to go out into the streets because they might be mugged, breathe Raedon, take drugs, be bombarded by UV rays, fall in a sidewalk crack, be abducted, meet a terrorist, get AIDS, suffer an attack by free radicals, have cellulite or wrinkles, get caught in non-designer jeans, meet Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan, become homosexual, get pregnant, move out into their own apartment, find love, leave home and make mommy fend for herself.
Get a grip parents! The only way kids can grow into responsible adults is to learn to take care of themselves and start making their own decisions by giving them the right to do so bit by bit as they grow up. Hot house plants can’t survive in the wild and kids who have been overly protected have no life survival skills.
If you have done your job as responsible parents, you have taught them ethics, street smarts, how to take responsiblility for their own actions and choices, civility, manners, respect for themselves and others, how to have a loving and giving relationship, and how be behave as thinking adults. If you haven’t done your job correctly, then perhaps it’s better to keep your dreadful progeny off the streets!
Curmudgeon Gal
So, you are saying since my son has autism he is my dreadful progeny? I guess he can not be allowed out in public. Aren’t you sweet? You picked the right name. That part I feel certain of. This is what I was talking about earlier. There is a wide spread scorn and
prejudice against kids with disabilities. Please, just get off our backs. Okay? I thought for a minute that maybe I was wrong about this site. But I post and not 5 minutes later I have one of you free range parents who hates autistic kids. Curmudgeon Gal; I hope that you and yours are all healthy and successful. How you can call my son dreadful is, well, appalling.
Curmudgeon Gal
I misunderstood your post and thought you were
replying to mine. I sincerely apologize and wish you
good luck then. In fact. good luck to all the parents and their kids. Thanks.
Interesting; I can see both sides on this you know;
parents want to protect their kids but kids should be kids too; I think; that’sa fine line I guess; I say go for it;
Yes;
How else will kids grow up?
This is great
Thanks
Thank you for this fantastic website! Can you believe there were women in my Mom’s group who were upset that I let my 1st grader ride the school bus to school? Unbelievable!
I just heard you on RTE1 radio in Ireland and would like to commend you on your fresh and intelligant approach to parenting.
Well done.
I support your efforts 100%. Kids today are not allowed to have unstructured playtime.It is hard for me to believe that so many of our kids today are select material in sports, music, dance, cheerleading, horseback riding, etc. The only thing that is select is which credit card you select to pay for them to do the activity.
Why are we so afraid of letting our kids skin their elbows and knees? No wonder we as a society are not making gains, when we refuse to let our kids feel some pain growing up.
What really shocks me is how we now have a generation or two who thinks it is no big deal to cheat. And since we have stopped our kids from meting out kid justice (growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, we would take care of those kids who cheated and they did not cheat again), I am afraid we will see more Enrons in the future.
Parents set parameters, but kids need to learn all the other parameters that have been set out in the world. The only way to do that is to let them go and find out first hand.
You are fighting the good fight. Keep it up.
I’m totally for Free Range Kids and I’m sick and tired of paranoid, overprotective parents and government. I was happy when I see a group of kids taking a short walk, alone without adults, to the store, or to the playground, or to school, like I used to do as a kid. If there is anybody who is a threat to children it is not strangers, but the new generation of paranoid parents who are breeding the next generation of rebellious youth who will be frustrated at their parent’s over zealous protectiveness. Also, kids need to learn how to be self sufficient. What happens if a kid gets lost or separated from his or her family at let’s say , a State Park, or at a Mall.
Will the child just sit alone and whine and cry for their mamma? Or will that child use their heads and try to survive and seek help! I keep on reading articles or hearing news stories about stranded kids who have survived in the wilderness, alone, and who survived. We need to stop raising wussy children who are a reflection of their over protective, Soccer Mom-Yuppy wimp parents!!!
I worked at a Theme Park in the mid 90’s. Sure, there were idiots that insisted that their kids ride the rides that they were not tall enough to ride, and that is too overindulgent because the Park could have been sued if their children were hurt o one of those rides. However, there were perfect examples of “overprotective mothers, especially the one mom
who wouldn’t let her child ride next to a black child. You see, most of these “helicopter parents” are just a bunch of stupid, redneck racist idiots who also physically and verbally abuse their children, and who raise those children to be idiotic or hyper paranoid redneck idiots . I grew up myself not only to be independent, but tolerant and open minded. I also believe that parents and others who believe that every stranger is a pedophile is a paranoid lunatic. When I was a kid me and my peers actually feared harm from the police, and from police brutality, more than we feared harm from strangers.
Thanks for going public!
I was a “free range” kid and worked a paper route with my 10yr old brother when I was 8. In the 80’s I got caught up in being overprotective of my daughter but learned to let go eventually. My daughter seems fairly well adjusted and “free”, but I can see that she still has an overdependence on societal safety nets.
I wonder if the liberal “cradle-to-grave” agenda has anything to do with fostering our “no-child-left-alone” mentality?
Maybe if we can foster independence and responsibility in our kids we can convince our government that we don’t need a nanny anymore.
Keep up the good work and thanks again!
Lynn: I’ve got a hunch at what was really going on with those women who were upset that you let your first-grader ride the bus, namely that the “safety” concern is really a manifestation of something else. I suspect that they feel that in order to be good parents, they really have to knock themselves out for their kids (this is largely media-driven). And as a result they feel stressed, and they feel guity over feeling stressed about it (anyone see a vicious cycle here?). So when they see a mother like you who’s responsible but doesn’t exhaust herself doing everything for her kids, they get uncomfortable because they can see that they’re really unnecessarily stressing themselves out. The psychological theory of cognitive dissonance (see Mistakes Were Made (but not be ME) by Carol Tavris and Eliot Aronson) predicts that when one experiences a conflict between her beliefs (i.e. I’m not a good mom if I don’t do everything for my kid) and evidence (that you’re being a good mom despite not doing everything for your kid), the beliefs will usually win (cognitive dissonance explains, for example, why people will “throw good money after bad”).
There’s also the factor, alluded to by several people in these fora, that some of this overprotectiveness reflects social competition between parents, with the kids as pawns. Here’s a half-joking thought: if you’re in the sort of community where letting kids get to school by means other than driving them is taboo, get a beater and drive them to school in that.
Another good bit of reading is Jeffrey S. Victor’s Satanic Panic. 25 years ago, the big parental fear was that their kids would be harmed by Satanic cults, and Victor documents the whole panic. Toward the middle of the book, he advances the idea that at the time parents had genuine, but unarticulated, fears about their children’s futures (mostly economic, but also because of the specter of nuclear war and the like), and those fears “spilled out” in an irrational form (similar to the phenomenon often seen in workplaces where “undiscussable” issues often get “displaced” into big arguments over trivial matters).
I think I am somewhere in the middle here. I was definitely a free-range kid. I have recently gotten more comfortable with my own kids being free range. This summer my twelve year old is responsible for her 9 and 3 year old younger brothers. They have very specific rules and I call often. I rarely work more than 5 or 6 hours, often fewer. Still, some people I tell look ready to report us to child protective services. The interesting thing about that is I happen to know what cps’s guidelines are and any such report would be dismissed and not even investigated (I’m an attorney who does CPS cases as part of my practice). Also, the degree of alarm seems to decrease as income levels decrease. Is there a correlation between the amount of money we make and the amount of security we expect? Some kind of expectation of perfect lives? The fact of the matter is that tragedies happen even when we are most careful and prepared. Any parent who has lost a child to SIDS or household accident can tell you that. Just the other day my three year old managed to climb onto the kitchen counter and fall off before I could get to him. Both my husband and I were in the house. He hurt himself, but luckily not badly. And I do mean luckily. He easily could have hit his head or fallen in such a way as to break his neck. Sometimes I wish I could prevent each and every accident my children might have – and yet I know that it is not possible and probably is not ultimately a good idea. My daughter is proud that she can be trusted to look after her brothers for a few hours. My nine year old loves being free over the summer to play and not be required to go to a day camp which is often little different than school. I’m happy that all three have down time and a true summer vacation. Up until recently they have definitely been over scheduled.
Susan: you’re definitely on to something about the relationship with income: irrational parental fears are typically an upper-middle-class thing (not just worries about kidnapping or molestation, but about vaccines, household cleaning products, non-organic food, etc.).
I can see several reasons for this:
1) The one you mentioned, namely that our expectations get higher as we make more money. A similar phenomenon applies to perceptions of health: as a society’s objective measures of health improves, people’s subjective beliefs about how healthy they are worsen.
A pretty ugly undertone to this rise in expectations is that in many cases people think that because they’re capable of earning lots of money, they should somehow be exempt from all the vicissitudes of life.
2) Poor and working-class parents literally can’t afford to have fears like this. Their kids face too many real dangers, and they don’t have the time or money to drive their kids everywhere or keep them in costly structured activities.
This one also relates to my health example: when people are dying of rampant diseases, people don’t worry much about minor aches and pains, stomach upsets, or headaches. It’s only when the major threats are gone that we start thinking of the latter as “ill health.”
It’s almost as if we have a “fear quota” that we fill with unlikely dangers as the likely ones go away.
3) I suspect that as income goes up, “street smarts” are less valued.
4) Narcissism. Lots of helicopter parents act like their children are endangered, not just by kidnappers/molesters, but by kidnappers/molesters who are targeting their kids in particular. That comes from feeling more important than you really are.
I wonder if the perception that today’s world is far more dangerous for kids than the world we grew up in was is similar to the perception that today’s kids are much worse behaved than the previous generation in that everybody throughout history has believed it.
My wife and I have two free range kids.
Our 13 year old regularly takes public transportation, rides his bike all over town and runs his own lawn mowing business in our neighborhood. He is allowed to roam the neighborhood and land at any of his friends’ homes. I let him choose to wear a helmet, or not, while riding (bike, scooter or long board) in the neighborhood. Of course I try to convince him that wearing a helmet is a great choice. Some of his friend’s parents think we are crazy.
Our 7 year old rides his bike to school most days and is allowed to walk home by himself. He regularly walks, or rides (bike or scooter) to his friend’s (another free range kid) home in our neighborhood.
We often take both kids to movies, give them money, and tell them we will pick them up after the show or let walk home if they want.
As a kid in the 50’s and 60’s I had to get myself places on public transportation, bike, or foot. No one thought anything of it.
My brothers and I did stupid things, and we got hurt. We also got hurt doing nothing stupid (like riding the school bus). In the process we learned that we were responsible for out actions. We all grew up to be responsible adults.
In the 70’s we put our 9 year old son on a plane by himself to meet my parents. They were in South America at the time. He had a great time, as did my parents.
Thank you for your sanity.
Thanks for this site. I have an 11 year old daughter who I allow to walk to the center of our town, perhaps 10 blocks with a friend. We have a park across our street and I allow her to roam around without me hovering. She loves it! And I have seen her become more responsible and less hesitant to try new things.
I think the point about narcissistic tendencies in helicoptor parents is a very interesting point. I work with college age students and we have parents of 22 year olds still making decisions for their “child”. It is quite sad. It isn’t about not letting go, it’s about control and about the parents’ ego.
Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m thinking all this FEAR about having to watch one’s offspring 24/7 which the media are so fond of is a distraction from telling about our gov’t being hijacked, so to speak, by, well, not to mince words, facists. Think about the fact that the media worked so HARD to ignore the fact that Dennis Kucinich, Dem-OH, was running for President last fall.; the court cases that were fought by TV networks to keep him off the Presidential debates. The lack of news coverage of the NH Primary recount. The near total media blackout on computer voting machine fraud. If moms are watching their kids every moment to make sure they live till the next day, they haven’t any time to monitor what’s going on in their country or do anything meaningful about it. (Of course, if you’re wealthy enough to hire a nanny, this does not apply–so really, it’s an attack on the non-wealthy, just as lack of reproductive rights or health care are attacks on the non-wealthy, since the wealthy can get anything they like, whether it’s legal or not. Also the Iraq war is a non-issue for the wealthy, because THEIR kids don’t need to earn livings, and aren’t so impacted by the utter lack of jobs that they have to enlist in the National Guard or any other armed force just to be able to earn their bread.)
Personally, I don’t think letting a normal 10-yr old kid out of my sight for a while is bad, but I wouldn’t try it in eastern Massachusetts if I were you. I had the misfortune to have our 16-yr-old car die in Plymouth, “America’s Home Town,” while on our way back to upstate NY after visiting my dad on the Cape. While the car was at the garage, the mechanic having given me to understand that he could fix it that day, we whiled away some hours at the touristy places near the waterfront, and on heading back to the garage to check the car’s progress my son, who was 10 1/2, wanted to sit and rest his feet. HE wanted to sit on a bench outside a nice little candy shop & wait while I took his smaller brothers (aged 6 & 8) back to the garage with me, 3 blocks away, and yes, he knew the way back there himself; we’d tavelled back and forth that way several times that day already. I’d pick him up when the car was done, and it was supposed to have been done by then. Got back to garage, not done. (Mechanic barely spoke English, by the way, but I thought he was trying to tell me that repair was imminent.) Half an hour later (car still not done), police cruiser comes along with son (who was fine) & FURIOUS cop, who was definitely young enough to be my son (I was 50), who proceeded to SCREAM at me with his face about 1 foot away from mine for the next 10 minutes about the Danger, Bad Mom, Kidnappers, Fear, etc. etc. etc. I think the only reason he didn’t arrest me was because I was, at the time, visiting from out-of-state; perhaps the fact that I hadn’t planned on our car breaking down was a mitigating factor. So, well, yeah, there ARE predators around, but the kid was half a year from being legal baby-sitting age… (and was no shrinking violet!). So, maybe Massachusetts is the most dangerous place in America, or maybe it just has a very zealous constabulary…I’d also read newspaper articles, while we were living there, about a woman who got dragged off to jail in chains because she hadn’t renewed her dog’s license on time, ditto for a woman who hadn’t paid her parking ticket because she hadn’t RECEIVED NOTICE OF IT because it had been sent to the wrong address.
So yes, it’s crazy; we rode in cars without seatbelts and rode bikes without helmets, and walked MILES to school without supervision and had paper routes without supervision. Are there more predators now than then? Is it possible there would be fewer if there were more real jobs available, an accountable gov’t, etc.?
Thank god for the voice of reason. I have always been a firm believer in letting my kids be independent. they have been doing there own laundry since they were 4 – my 11yr old now does it all on his own including sorting and what can and cant go into the tumbledryer. My 8yr old is almost at this stage. What i have found amazing is the number of mothers who have called me cruel and uncaring!! They have to cook once a week and have to do their share of the house work. We are lucky enough to live next to a wonderful forest and they love playing in there as they have got older I have allowed them to go further – they know the rules and have always returned safely. I think we have become obsessed with our children and do not give them the freedom to discover who they are!
I’ve just read your article in The Times and I couldn’t agree more – how did retarding a child’s development through over-protection become ‘good parenting’ in the eyes of so many?
Personally, I believe a major cause of this is a total lack of understanding of risk in the parents. There is an assumption among some adults that keeping children in cars or indoors under our noses every minute of the day and night is helping them somehow. Wrong! We are crippling their development by doing this.
It is also pretty LAZY parenting because it is actually meeting the misinformed needs of the parents, rather than the emotional and developmental needs of the children.
As a parent, far more is required of me to allow my (just) 7 year old to cross the road and walk around the corner to the shop than it is to lock the front door and keep her inside. My husband and I have worked hard to teach road safety to both our daughters from the age that they could walk. Other parents I see just make their kids hold their hands or pushchairs and head across the road, between parked cars, in front of moving cars themselves, running across the road etc. I just don’t understand how they believe this is helpful for their kids – role-modelling the very behaviour you don’t want!
Our younger daughter has just turned 5 and it won’t be long before we let her go too. She already gets to be the one who tells us all when it is safe to cross much of the time. She knows that it is much better to wait a little longer than take a chance if a car might be coming. She knows where to stand so she can see clearly. She knows that she needs to listen and keep looking while she crosses the road. It’s only by having this hammered into her (and role-modelled by us as parents EVERY time we go out) year in and year out that she learns this. She knows that SHE will have to use this herself very soon so there is a point to her learning it.
The helicopter parent thinking is the same as that surrounding the MMR ‘scare’. Only people who have not got a clue about interpreting information to assess risk in context were concerned about that. And by being ‘cautious’ and avoiding the vaccination, they actually put their kids at risk of serious and sometimes fatal diseases, rather than being smart and reading the information properly. Even a quick glance would have shown that this was the work of a very inept scientist and scare-mongering, ill-informed journalists so should be ignored.
I am not at all worried about my kids being kidnapped – this would only cross my mind if we were celebrities and even then it would be really low on my list! The chances of anyone else being snatched is so minimal that I might as well worry about finding them dead in their beds one morning as this is far, far more likely to happen and who can live their life happily like that?
Your son is very lucky to have a mum like you…ignore the mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers or neurotic emotional retards who try and say otherwise!
I used to think that it was just the British who had this dirty minded obsession that children were going to be abducted for unspeakable purposes if we allowed them out of our sight ever ever ever, and that it was the wonderful education system in the UK that ended up with people who didn’t get statistics. I don’t know whether I should be comforted or depressed that the rest of the world is just as stupid.
Of course we need to worry about our children, but this wrapping up in cotton wool is worrying about the wrong things. A classic example for me came from visiting theme parks in continental Europe. After a couple of such trips we noticed that the locals had a clever idea of putting a label on their kid’s t-shirt with their name and the parent’s phone number. The idea is that if the kid gets lost, someone phones the parent and says “Your child, Mary, has lost you and is by the carousel”, and you go and pick them up. What a great idea, I thought, but then I mentioned it to parents back in England. The response was uniform “But what if someone wants to abduct them, they will know the child’s name and the child will go with them.” Leaving aside the fact that my kids would be supremely unimpressed by someone knowing their name (they are still at the stage where they think they are world-famous), do these people really think that every theme park/children’s play area is full of people trying to abduct children? Do they not realise that, like rape and murder, assaults against children are primarily carried out by people who know the victim, not some random stranger? If we talk about probabilities, the chances of my children being abducted are miniscule, but I know that my older son (in particular) will one day get lost (why? because he has his head in the clouds and is always wandering off to look at something, without checking where everyone else is, and his father has yet to grow out of the same habit, so I am not holding my breath about coming through this phase). I need to focus on what is likely to happen, not what isn’t.
When each of my boys was born, I spent the first six months convinced that they would die of cot death (sudden infant death syndrome), because it is the greatest fear of new mothers. Now, I am terrified that they will get lost, fall and hurt themselves or be hurt by someone else, but I can’t let these, largely irrational, fears dominate their lives – that isn’t fair and it certainly wouldn’t make me a better mother.
We have to put our instinctive fears through a rationalisation process and stop glorifying our hysteria as a form of parenting. The number of 17 and 18 year olds who have no street sense, the number of people in their early twenties who have no idea how to cope if they find themselves in the wrong part of town late at night are testaments to a muddled idea of parenting being good only if the child never has to do anything for him or herself, and therefore develops no confidence that he or she can be self-sufficient. I don’t think any of us enjoy letting our children out of our sight, but this isn’t about us, it is about them. Parents (especially mothers) need to get over themselves and realise that children can cope perfectly well with small tasks alone if we let them. Parenting is a series of goodbyes in which we give our kids more and more freedom to be themselves, and so become the independent adults we want them to be.
Hi Lenore
Just read your article in Tmes 2. Good for you!! We also live in a “nanny” culture in the UK with more and more parents scared off allowing their children to enjoy their childhood.
Just read your article in Times 2 this afternoon and thought, “At last”! I have raised 5 kids and from the earliest age have encouraged them to walk to school and back by themselves and go into town and back using public transport. No harm ever came near them. In my own childhood I would go off all day by myself and my parents never worried about me – just giving me a packed lunch and saying, “See you later.” By encouraging our kids to do small tasks by themselves gives them a measure of confidence that will stand them in good stead in later years. From the moment our children are born, we need to be prepared to let them go….by letting them do things on their own it will then not be so hard on us when they do eventually leave home.
In an every increasing sanitised, homogenised world I was pleased to read of your vilification by the press.
Not because I believed you should be vilified for your views, far from it, but because once down on paper (and internet) the absurdity of such irrational behaviour might just make those who spout such garbage to re-think what is and isnt dangerous.
How is a child to grow, to learn, to develop if its parents wrap him in cotton wool? Where will the ability to think through everyday events come from if the child is cosseted from the realities of the world?
Fat, scared, timid and frightened of their own shadow. The thing is does this describe the parents or the future generation?
Hi! I live in the UK and have 1 daughter & 2 stepdaughters. From an early age I encouraged my daughter to be independent & resourceful (with quite a bit of supervision & nail-biting on my part!) Now my daughter will happily take a bus to wherever she needs to go (she’s 15), go into cafes & place an order when she’s alone! She is very aware of possible dangers & pitfalls & is incredibly smart when it comes to reading situations. My step daughters, who are older have been molly coddled all their lives won’t even walk to the school bus stop alone(100 yards) & most days have to be driven to school! The eldest at 17 won’t even ask for a burger in McDonalds but sends my daughter instead! I say, bring your kids up ‘Free Range’, They become strong, mature & resourceful instead of wet wimps!
I live in a small town in NW Iowa, and our house is 2 blocks from the school. This year I began to let my son, in first grade, walk the two blocks to and from school. He usually walks with one or two other kids on the block. I cannot tell you how many people have commented on his walking- usually in a concerned or negative way. Their fears range from potential abductions, to “he’s going to get sick”, to traffic concerns (he cross two streets- one immediately in front of our house and one with a crossing guard and cross walk). I have second-guessed this decision constantly and I continue to be nervous about letting him walk the (gasp) two blocks to school.
Free range!!!!! What a breath of fresh air your colum in the Times was today.
My elder son who is 10 has always been independent and sensible, and has had a lot of freedom to eg go to the shops to buy his comic and scooter to school from the age of 7. My younger so is not as independent, does not want to to do those things, but does want to walk alone to his soccer c,ub which is only baoutt 500 yards away, so he does that.
Two years ago wwhen DS1 was 8, we were on holiday & he wanted to take a cliff path back from the beach were on by himself to the vilage. (I had to go by car because of logistics.) I said no. Last year when he was 9 he asked the same question. this time I considered it and thought it reasonable. We arranged the rendez-vous, and he should have got there first. he was not there when we arrived, and I cannot tell you the inner panic I felt ( reamining calm for DS2.) After an interminable ( 10 mins!) he emerged from a different direction. He had missed the runing off the path and gone to far – when he realised he then took a shorter route back from where he was.
He grew taller, and I was proud of his resourcefulness.
And has evanyone who has read ‘My family & other animals’ must surely wish a more free range chldhood on their children?
A few weeks ago, we were on another beach, and there was an island some way out. the boys took their rubber dinght y out to explore. they found a place to secure it on the rocks. I]They were out of earshot so I could not tell them that i could see as the tide was coming in it would soon float free and float away. I wondered to my husband if one of us should swim out. He said, no – whats the worst that will happen? If it floats away they will have to swim back, and they will learn an improtant lesso about anticipating events around them to make decisions. We lose a £10 , three year old boat, they learn an invaluable lesson. As it happened, they go back in time, realised what was happening, and learned that lesson anyway.
I let my son walk to school with a few of his friends. He meets his friends a block from our house and then walks about 5 blocks to school. A neighbor down the street will not let her children play with my son because I am a “bad mother.” I try not to let it get to me but I think I am anything but, I love my children and like all mothers, only want the best for them. Why can’t a fifth grader use his legs as intended and walk to school as so many others have done?
Power to you Lenore! There are thousands of helicopter parents whose overprotected children will grow up afraid, bratty and obese, but nobody’s calling them the world’s worst parents. Rational argument and genuine thought on a subject always beat irrational, knee-jerk, media influenced response; you are proving that ecery single day.
I am not a parent so I probably don’t yet have the protective emotion that comes with having a child, but I appreciate the responsible way in which you have given your child the chance to explore his own boundries and to learn to make responsible decisions. My uncle takes a similar hand in raising his two young daughters, in the town that I live in. His assuring and assisting style of parenting gives those two girls the best chance of making the most of their lives and finding their own destinies.
Thank you for bringing this issue of overparenting to the public light.
For! My children are 10 and 7 1/2 and are free as birds. They get themselves to school every morning by taking the bus, then catching a train, and walking the couple of blocks to school. (They reverse the sequence on the way home) Our difference is that we live in Switzerland where free range kids are the norm; kindegarteners are pretty much obligated to get themselves to school.
We have lived in Switzerland for almost a year now. In that time, my kids have become significantly more responsible, mature and confident. Plus, they are probably a little more fit!
Thanks for the blog! Let’s start a revolution!
As a new Granny, I was very interested to read your article in The Times2 British newspaper, today.
I applaud your common sense – and genuine bravery in this day and age – to parent as you see fit and allow your son to expereince an element of responsibility and ensuing sense of achievement.
I hope my daughter adopts a similar view when my Grandchildren are of an appropriate age as how sad it would be if so many of the things we took for granted as kids were lost to our new generations in the future. Good for you!!
I read the article about Lenore and her son in the Times 9thJune. Pleased to hear there is a mother with sense to let her son do things alone. I wonder if these mothers who have to check on their children will continue to do so when they are grown-up. I have heard that there is now a generation of children growing-up who can’t even cross the road on their own.
It also works for adults too. I live alone, so if I am not meeting my boyfriend I will go out in the evenings on my own. I have travelled to London often to go to art galleries, and even the other year went to Egypt for a week on my own. Women I work with won’t go out unless they have someone with them. I don’t think that I am any braver than other people, just make sure I’m aware at times what’s going on around me.
For, without reservation!
If you can’t trust kids to cross a road, play in a safe street, make their way home or go to the store. How will you begin to trust them to go on vacation, go to college, get a job, run a business or inherit the country!
There are times when you may have to pause for breath, feel a cold shiver, or let your heart skip a beat. Not easy, but ask yourself; how can a generation rased on fear ever have the courage to walk in the world and make it better.
My little boy is the future, with a frog in his pocket.
I read Skenazy’s article in The Times (UK) on 9th June in the staff room of a top London day school. The school is in the city of London and virtually unaccessible by car and the boys nearly all travel by public transport. Because of the huge popularity of the school the boys travel from considerable distances and , certainly in the the winter, return home after dark. The youngest boys are 10 years old and their parents are generally loving, well-educated and intelligent . I have never heard of a serious incident with any of our student whilst travelling to school. The prospectus certainly doesn’t say, ‘only dreadful parents need apply’! Is London really so much safer than New York?
I don’t have kids so I don’t know what impact my opinion will have, but here it goes. I grew up a latch key kid, “come home when the lights turn on”, and growing up in New Mexico “we live surrounded by mesa what trouble can happen.” I had fun running around learning about snakes, lizards and Roadrunners, I know see my friends and neighbors kids on leashes and house arrest in fear of what MIGHT happen. Children are meant to get dirty, have scratched knees, and be outside in the world. If parents do not cut the cord and let there children live as a child how are they to learn about the world and themselves. If or when I have children I will be raising them the best I can and will experience what I experienced as a child, being free of the TV and video games.
I read the article in the Times (UK) and was delighted to see you doing what is a truly sensible. Keepig children locked up in cotton wool behind fences won’t give the world the next generation of confident adults. This will lead to yet more suspicion and distrust of strangers in other parts of the world and of course yet more conflict. I was brought up in the 40s and 50s, was a latch key kid, which at the time was said to be bad. Well we all survived, I have grandchildren who I hope will be confident adults. When we are in the USA, on visits, I allow my Grandson to wander some of the time in Santa Monica, San Francisco or even NYC. He love the freedom and responsibility and is I think the better for it. The kids bike miles and miles and so far at least come home happy.
More power to you and keep up the pressure.
Wow. It feels good to see that I am not the only “free range parent” out there after all the critical looks and comments I have endured. I always knew I wanted my kids (now 4, 6, 8, and 10) to have as much independence and confidence that I could give them, but after having so many people question my methods, I was starting to doubt myself. I also adhere to your philosophy that our world is not as far removed from the past as we have been convinced that it is. My kids walk to school (I usually walk with the younger ones), and I try to give them as much freedom as possible. I am amazed at the over-protective parents I see everywhere.
I have to comment also about the responses on here that cite a specific tragedy. No one is saying that these things don’t happen. I am not that naive. But I also know that it is impossible to eliminate every possible danger from my kids’ lives, and if I try to, I will raise fearful, shy, ill-equipped for society children.
Thanks so much for the website. I love it!!
Please come to England and spread the word here!
Want to work within a mile of a child or ‘vulnerable’ person here and you have to be subjected to an intruisive police check; ‘health and safety’ has virtually put a stop to all manner of activities; we’re producing a whole generation of kids who won’t have the first class clue how to take a risk and sadder still, we eroding those simple instincts of trust and instinct.
I remember being 6 years old (1979) and playing wth a few neighborhood children. We would run into the field next to our dead-end street and play for hours. Paint rocks and throw them as far as we could then ‘hunt’ for them. We’d make forts out of old scrapwood and escape to different worlds and times. We’d hike, make mud puddles to play in, etc. My mom would occasionally come to a window and yell my name – I’d answer from afar, “I’m ok, Mommy!” and that would be that.
I never got into trouble, I made good choices, I’d sometimes have a bruise or a cut and would run home knowing that in a few minutes I’d be patched up and ready to get back to playing.
How would my days have been back then if my mom didn’t allow me to leave the house or travel more than a few yards from our home? Stifling & boring.
Your blog and my own wishes for a more freedom-and-fun-filled childhood for my 6-year-old daughter have caused me to take action. I consciously make an effort to allow for opportunities each day that will help her blossom into a free-range kid.
Thank you!
As a father of 3 (14/9/7) I congratulate you on putting forward a voice of reason amongst the media hype. As I often try to remind people Charles Dickens wrote Oliver Twist based on how children lived many years ago. To say it is more dangerous now is simply incorrect.
To say the Media have made parents totally paranoid is however very true though and I thank the Internet for at least allowing this message to get out. In the so called “good” old days the media would never have allowed a view to be aired that was so contrary to their rantings.
Just heard you onTodayFM (Irish radio station).
I can’t agree more! I am a safety consultant and am forever explaining to other parents that there is no conflict between me insisting on the school preparing a risk assessment for a school trip while allowing my son to play rugby and my daughter to try in-skates (with apropriate training, supervision and safety gear). The other parents are too scared to allow their kids any freedom, but at the same time they let then travel in the front seat of the car with no appropriate restraint and an air bag.
I am looking forward to reading through your web site.
For free range, definitely. My childhood in North London was amazing, I could play in the woods, get on buses, take the tube to central London, walk to school when the bus didn’t come. There were ‘incidents’ – we had a rope swing over a stream in the park and a man stood by with his trousers and pants down. We didn’t think dirty old pervert, we just thought he was a bit retarded. The saddest thing was when one of the girls told her mum and then the stream and the swing were out of bounds.
Another time a man with yellow teeth chatted me up on the way home from Brownies. I was nearly home, but I saw a bus coming and ran for it. Then I went two stops to my friend’s house and walked back home a different way. I was 9
Children need street-wisdom. They can’t get that if we stifle them.
I just listened to your radio interview on Irelands Today FM and spent most of the time laughing. I laughed because you were a brilliant and funny and SENSIBLE!!.
I live in Ireland and there is ever growing fears that you cant leave your kids walk to or from school or go to the local park with their friends. I let my 11yr old walk to school which is under 2 miles away or go to the park with his friends (1/4mile away). I have even sent him to the local shop to buy milk for me 1/4 mile away).
One parent told me recently that she did not accept an invitation for her 11yr old to come to our house to play after school, because she knows that we allow our kids to go to the park without supervision. I told her that I respected that she was not ready to allow her kid that level of freedom.
People need to respect how others bring up their kids and the freedom we give (or not). As parents we never deliberately put our children in harms way, but we dont need to over protect them.
If something bad is going to happen, then it will happen no matter what you do, there are no paedophiles and child kidnappers behind every tree, on every bus and driving around just waiting to snatch your child. It does happen, but not to the extent that everyone would like us to believe.
I firmly believe that as long as you explain the dangers to your child, what they should do in dangerous situations and who they should and should not engage with, then they will be fine.
We are going further and further down the road towards social insanity. I dont want my children unable to leave home at 18 (not planning to kick them out either!) because they have have never learned to be streetwise and able to manage on their own.
I just heard you on Today FM. I totally agree. I do have a tendency to over protect my children, but lately have been trying to find ways to give them a bit more independence, and they LOVE it! The media does tend to paint a very bleak picture, but we need to talk more to our kids, explain about freedom and responsibility, and let them get out there and learn a bit more. Our kids tend to be different people when they are not with us, so they need to find out about things on their own, but know they can come to us and talk about whatever happens. Like Ray said, there aren’t bogey men hanging around waiting for a lone child to appear. Bad things can happen to children at home too.
Finally some sanity. The only difference between when I was a kid ( and a total free range one at that ) is that today we are inundated with information. Pedophiles and child abusers existed when I was young, you just didn’t hear about them every thirty seconds. Today we are so paranoid about everything that our children can’t do anything for themselves. They need us to entertain them. Let the kids live and learn about the real world. Maybe they won’t spend so much time in front of a television watching reality TV or playing virtual reality video games.
We raised free range kids and they are thriving. They grew up in Yemen, Iraq, and Pakistan. As they got older – starting about age 10 – and wanted to spend summers with grandparents they managed the overseas flights on their own.
Public transportation is a great way to teach kids to focus, concentrate, and use their judgement. The fear factor would not have taken such a hold on Americans if more had had longer leashes when they were kids.
I was delighted to see today that Portland, Oregon Mayor Tom Potter and Mayor Elect Sam Adams are advocating to make the public transit system free to kids in the 6th to 12th grades. It’s time for us as a society to cut out unnecessary trips by parents accompanying kids and move away from the culture of coddling for the next generation.
If I were a kid today, I’d be thanking my lucky stars for a mom like you.
Hooray for free range! I also heard you this morning on the Ray D’Arcy show and jumped for joy because, at last, someone has the balls to speak out about this issue. I was a free range kid and am trying to raise my 3 children the same way but find that I restrict myself from allowing them to do things by themselves for fear of other peoples’ attitudes. I cannot understand why in this day and age when we push our children to do better in school, providing tutors and grinds for children in Primary School and pushing them to excel academically, we turn around and think that they are not smart enough to walk to school or take a bus. Kids today are way more clever than the last generation of kids ( ie mine). Surely if we clearly explain to our children the dangers that are out there, how to avoid them, what to do in a situation, and constantly remind them of safety issues from an early age they are intelligent enough to be able to cope. It is very sad that so much emphasis is placed today on academic ability and achievements that the importance of developing Social Skills is forgotten. In my mind, social skills in the preteen years are more important than academic skills. Children need to learn how to cope with difficult situations whether it be a child calling them names or someone pushing them around. The best way for children to do this is by playing out and left to figure these things out by themselves. They need to learn life skills.
I do understand that there is the fear of abduction etc but the risk of that is very small. That risk was there when we were children (look at the Catholic Church), but the medai coverage wasn’t there.
It is time parents got over “bubble-wrapping” their children and allowed them to grow up. I personally glow with pride when one of my children take another step towards independence. Of course I still worry a little and hang around for a bit in case something might happen but on the whole I find it very satisfying to see them confident and happy as they skip off with their friends to the pictures unsupervised for the first time. In fact I congratulate myself on a job well done. I have brought them one step closer to being strong, healthy, confident and independent adults, and isn’t that exactly what we as parents are supposed to do?
Yes – all for it. When I was a kid I went to school on the subway and walked across town. I started when I was 8. I travelled with a friend around another country (in Europe) during my summer break when I was 15. We never thought it was unsafe or strange. I don’t believe we are doing our kids any favours by over protecting them. On the contrary. The ‘what if’ argument is exaggerated – there has never been a safer time to be a kid. How many parent grew up playing on building sites, un-protected back yards, streets, etc.? These days all that is available are sanitized and prefabricated playgrounds. How dull.
I keep reading your postings and though I am happy
that so many people are so proud of their kids’
accomplishments, I still think parents should be
able to raise their kids as they see fit. I DO NOT
think legislating a free range upbringing is the way
to go. I think some folks may have good reason to
raise their children in another fashion. Ofcourse, I
would also say if you go by the responses to this
website, I must be the only non-free range parent
out there. Everyone seems to be in agreement with
you. So, perhaps, this is much ado about nothing.
I say good luck and best wishes to all the parents and
kids but there is no cookie cutter way of bringing kids
up and what works for one child and parent may not
work for all. Personally, I would love to hear from some
non-free range parents and get their perspective on
this. But, based on this site, I would say that there are
not as many as people seem to think. Perhaps, what
you folks are calling “helicopter parents” are, in fact,
parents like myself whose kids are disabled or
” special needs” kids. If this is the case, I certainly
think other parents should maybe cut them and me
a break about this free range approach. Remember,
not all disabled kids are in a wheelchair. As a parent
of an autistic child I can tell you that I don’t tell my
story to every parent out there. It’s not shame or
embarassment but just because I don’t want to go
into it and have to “explain” my son to every person in
the neighborhood and every parent I meet. So,
as I said, some parents have good reason to be a bit
more cautious. Now, ofcourse, some free range
parents ( I can attest to this) think I should let my son
do alot more than I think he could handle. In fact, I
have been told by some that there is no such thing as
autism and it is all the result of my parenting. This is
absolute nonsense. I am absolutely sure that I know
his limitations and believe me I am always trying to
stretch them. But he has far more pronounced
limitations then most children. I know what is best for
him and I know that offends many of the free range
parents on this site including Miss Skenazy but,
unfortunately , for now that is how our society works.
I am his father. My wife and I will dictate the best for
him and believe me he will excel and he will go as
far as his abilities allow him. I hope I have not
offended too many free range parents but that is just
the way it is. Good luck to all of you.
I read about this website in a newspaper on my flight from osaka, japan to dubai. Isn’t it amazing that somethng that should be a normal thing – let kids grow up in freedom, responibly – is able to provoke so much diskussion? Our litel one has just turned two and we try to encourage him exploring the world on his own whenever there is a chance. Wasn#’ that something we wanted ourselves when we were young?
Dear Mrs. Skenazy, I applaud you & your husband,(as well as your son), for several reasons; 1. you obviously discussed this decision at some length first. 2.you actually communicate with your son(s), rather than always just tell…3.this type of parenting will naturally lead to a much more well adjusted child, then adult ( nothing like leading by example) I could go on…but you already know all this. I was born & raised in northern Minn., was a teen in the 70’s , hitch -hiked all over the place from the age of 10, we lived about 12 mi., outside of town…no subway,buses,etc., my folks had raised me to be aware of my surroundings, to stop & get a sense of things & situations , & most importantly to not live in constant fear of….. (fill in the blank) I had one person stop to give me a ride..,I was 12 @ the time, & the warning bell in my gut told me not to get in, so I didn’t. I also had a small notepad & started writing down the license #….the guy couldn’t take off fast enough…I also could outrun most any adult back then, so even in that situation I can honestly say I wasn’t overwhelmed with fear ( a small healthy dose yes) .I’ve turned into a healthy, well adjusted, reasonable adult with, I believe ,numerous friends…many with children, and it’s funny to me, they all at one time or another have commented on how I interact & treat their kids like little adults…I say, full disclosure, lead by example, & discuss as opposed to tell….best way to earn a child’s trust… kudos to you & yours sincerely, William Pocrnich Namaste
Congratulations, at last someone who talks sense, a voice 0f sanity in a sea of madness. Yes children should be protected but not to the degree that their every move must be overseen & every stranger is a preditor, yes there are preditors out there but they are not under every bush & lurking around every street corner, if kids are not allowed some degree of independence HOW ? will they ever become rational adults. Parents are so paranoid now that we are going to end up with many stunted adults in the future, let’s hope that reason will soon take root over this issue & stop the madness.
I only just heard of this subway ride fiasco via the BBC and would like to say I am shocked!.
I am shocked by the reactions of those against, what I see, as a very sober attitude to parenting.
As a New Zealander who grew up in Manhatten in the early 1970’s I had every possible freedom and in fact spent most of my time running all over the city.
It was the greatest adventure of my life, sometimes I was apprehensive, sometimes even scared, but above all I had a blast discovering New York by myself-aged from 7 to 12 years old.
I have spent too much of the rest of my life trying to get back to that state!
Children need to discover and learn for themselves, to overcome fear sometimes, to gain confidence and enjoy a sense of freedom and wonder.
New York and New Yorkers’ are marvelous.
All best in your struggles with some very uptight people.
rupert
I once took the bus 5 miles from my house to the shop my mother worked at when I was 7 years old. My mother was surprised to see me of cours, I lied and said I was with an older friend of my brother.
I’ve spent my life since travelling the world and living overseas.
That first bus ride was my first adventure.
Totally For!!! I have been raising my 13 & 11 yrs (Boy & Girl) as “free rangers” since day one. When does the book come out?
“Free rangers “are actually “safer” then their over parented, over protected peers because they are confident, socially responsible kids who know their own limitations and are out there making careful and calculated decisions regarding their own safety and the safety of others every day. The only way to help them develop their instincts is to let them exercise them., Try them out. Test them. AND let them make mistakes. Are there risks? Of course. Can bad things happen? Sure they can. But I am more scared of what will happen if I hold onto my kids too tight and watch them too closely…a generation or two of unmotivated young adults who can’t take risks, make decisions or leave home for that matter – its becoming an epidempic in the US and its not funny!
PS
For the one or two dissenters on here. No one is advocating foolishness and stupidity! No one is saying: shove em out the door and let em sink or swim! It seems to me that we are advocating responsible parenting: giving guidelines, establishing open lines of communication, and taking baby steps (and give them a cell phone if you absolutely have to). Yes, and if you live near a frozen lake – explain the dangers to them for crying out loud! My four year old wasn’t riding the bus alone, but my 11 yr old (who is small for her age, is!). And I didn’t just drop her at the bus stop one day, say “ug” , point North and walk away. It was the next step for her. She’d already been taking it with her brother or a friend for a year, she’d already been walking to the corner store or her friend’s house alone for some time, she’d already been riding her bike to school for ages (about 15 blocks away), and she had already been left at home alone during the day – many times I might add! She is completely comfortable dong it because she is that confident, experienced kid I was talking about…
FOR!
When I was 10 I would routinely take the bus. One day I got on the wrong bus and traveled miles in the wrong direction. I finally got off, went into a store and used the phone to call home. Fear shackles and controls. Cut the chains.
People who are quick to say they would never do what you did in allowing your son to have some freedom, probably shouldn’t. Mostly because their kids, raised in an environment of fear and over-parenting couldn’t handle it. Good for you! I have no problem with this. New York city is probably a heck of a lot safer than many suburban neighborhoods with nobody around and block after block of houses with people too afraid to answer their door.
What’s the big fuss? In my homeland of Switzerland, many parents still DO let their kids walk to schools and back home by themselves. From the age they start primary school (at 6/7 years old).
– Also they play in the grounds around apartment blocks / nearby playgrounds without parents “hovering around”. Its great, because the kids get to play with other kids of varying ages – not just their own friends of the same age.
My parents have experienced the horrors of civil war, yet, when they raised me they chose to let me be free and experience the wonderful things that childhood can offer.
Overprotecting a child, i believe, causes more psychological trauma. Raising a free range kid does not signify abandoning your child, as most against people would believe, but means nurturing and teaching independence safely.
I live in Australia. I do not condemn you in the least for letting your child grow up. I know the dangers out there but we cannot wrap our kids in cotton wool for the rest of their lives. Never letting them try makes them less street smart when they rebel to go out, by letting them catch public transport, and as long as they know “Stranger Danger” I think that you are teaching your child an important lesson in growing up. Please there are many of us out there that do not agree with the way parenting has smothered our children.
I had lots of freedom when I was a child is the world really so different now or are just our attitudes.
I think people (especially Americans) always expect the worst in people and assume everyone is a rapist or murderer. Like everyone is out to get you. The number of normal, sane people out there, far outweighs these “bad guys” you all seem think are lurking behind every door.
Unfortunate things have been happening all through the ages. Nothing will change. More fatal accidents happen per capita in the home or around family and friends than abductions, rapes or murders.
30 yrs ago, 9 year olds had their own paper run amongst other things. We all know from a young age not to walk alone at night or down quiet streets etc and to stay where it’s busy (lots of witnesses if anything does happen).
You are all way too overprotective.
Kudos to the parents who allow their children to have a life.
GO THE FREE RANGE KIDS!
As the 5th child, my parents only had 1 ‘rule’ left when I came along and it was this …”when you go out, let us know where you’re going in case there’s an emergency and we need to contact you”. That was easy to live with.
No one told me to be home by sunset, I just came home because I was hungry. Where was I? With friends in the street or climbing trees.
All my playtime was spent either climbing up in trees or carthweeling, or playing on the swings. No one told me I could fall, so I didn’t.
Please let your kids make their own mistakes, give them boundaries that are slightly out of their sight, trust them to go to the shop and get the right change.
If they make a mistake, they’ll learn from it!!! Please get this: you can’t teach a chid from a mistake, they need to learn from it themselves as their own brain develops.
I live in Sydney , Australia and have 3 kids aged 14, 12 and 11. I have to get to work each day and it isn’t possible for me to take the kids to school. My kids all make their own way to school each day, with my 11 yr old going the furthest. she has to catch a bus and then a train to get to school. Her brother goes with her until his train stop and then she gets off 2 stops after him. My other daughter catches a bus to yet a different school!
I have received alot of negative feedback, but also some positive ones too. My kids are still kids even though they make their own way to and from school. We talk alot about safety issues, and all look out for each other. My son even waits 45 mins each day at the station for his sister so they are on the same trip coming home.
I agree that there may be more ‘in your face’ dangers in our society now, but I also think that my kids are also alot more aware of them and know safety precautions to take alot more than other kids who aren’t allowed out the front door by themselves. How the hell are these kids going to react and cope when society eventually does throw something at them and mummy or daddy isn’t there to protect them?
My kids and I are very close and I would do anything to protect them and am a great mother. I think part of that is that I am teaching them life skills and the different between right and wrong etc, by letting them grow and mature naturally as we did when we were kids. It doesn’t mean that parents like us aren’t there for our kids, as some like to infer, in fact I believe we and our kids are better for it. My children still have strict rules to live by and (most of the time lol), respect them.
I’m proud of me, and also of all of us who haven’t pandered to public criticism and wrapped our kids in cotton wool.
Well done! I applaud your bravery and your desire to raise children who are free of the un-necessary burdens of hysterical, fearful parenting. There is far too much unwarranted fear from parents who lack the back bone to raise great children who can make their way, and their mark, in this world. I believe very much in encouraging my children to be brave, and to step outside the weak limitations of the fearful, and to grow beyond even my broadest hopes for their future.
The world is now full of young adults who cannot cope with the real issues and realities of life because their parents wrapped them in cotton wool and stopped them from growing in such a way that they could master this short life span that we have.
I work within the funeral industry and I can say beyond a doubt that there are far more young people who commit suicide because they have been sheltered by fearful, over-protective parents, and then cannot cope with the realities of life, than there are children killed simply because they are “Free-range” and free to live life to the full.
I deeply believe there is a very wide chasm between being a caring parent and a fearful parent, and the negitive results of fearful parenting far outweigh the positive benefits of letting your children grow. And they can only grow to their fullest potential by being supportively exposed to many varied and sometimes extraordinary experiences.
Life is a risk every single day we live it, and we cannot afford to cripple our childrens development by not allowing them to investigate and experience life to the full – and that includes the risks.
I am also a firm believer that our lives are mapped out in advance and when our time comes to die, we cannot avoid it regardless of how young or old we are. Life is for living and experiencing and growing. It is not for cowards.
Shame on all the cowards who are destroying their children with their fear. Your hysteria is shocking, and totally unnecessary. Take the time to learn the difference between care and fear.
My grandparents were children through the second world war in The Netherlands. Both of their villages were bombed and my grandfather was rounded up by the Nazis to help with their war effort (he escaped). Now I would have thought the risk of something happening to child in an invaded country, when air strikes were common, health care was poor and money was very tight would be somewhat higher than the risk today. Yet my grandparents were not tracked with mobile phones, and they weren’t walked to school, or to the shops. Actually at the age of 12 my grandfather was stealing food and wood to help support his 4 siblings, father and 2 aunts. And my grandmother was having equally exciting adventures. We reap what we sew. If you want your children to become resourceful, confident and brave adults you cannot bring them up in a cotton wool cocoon.
You are all asking for trouble. There is no way in hell that my daughter (currently aged 4) will be allowed the “freedom” we had as kids.
There are too many dangers lurking out there in the real world that I will not willingly allow her to experience.
Saying that, she is not a “cotton wool kid”. I encourage her to explore her environment – but in a safe way with one of her parents on the sidelines. And no, we are not “helicopter parents”. Sidelines is exactly where we stay – words of encouragement or disapproval are all she needs.
Fear breeds fear. Kids are too pampered and fed our fears. They have never learned to assess risk, take due care and think for themselves. Modern western cities are the kids parents making. The parents grew up wanting this and that liberalised, they screamed about their rights and civil rights and look where the cities have ended up ? Crime infested, impoverished haves vs. have nots. Neighbours are a joke, people have no idea who their neighbours are, instead of helping each other out and supporting each other like real communities once did ( and many small rural communities still do ), people expect something for nothing. Get a life people, unwrap your kids, give them a chance to understand the real world. That doesn’t mean having them running around as disrespectful little ” me me me ” ” my rights my rights my rights ” or terrified of their own shadows like they are rapidly turning into or that fear turning into resentment of the world and anger that leads down even darker paths. Their right is to be kids and carefully and cautiously enjoy the world, not suffocate in their parents fears and phobias. Stand up to the problems in this world and show any lower life, you wont be intimidated and cower in a corner, show your kids you trust them. Find the balance, its so simple and easy to fear, its harder to trust and go cautiously forth and give our kids a REAL chance to survive in this world. Kids in 3rd world countries, with even less societal control and structure survive, kids in war zones have survived and our kids will survive if we are reasonable and balanced, not irrational, paranoid, phobics, who are trying to overprotect their kids to make up for what’s lacking in their own lives; control ! PS: We have lived in major cities around the world, including communist and Islamic, between my partner and myself we have 7 healthy well adjusted kids and 2 grandkids. We taught them caution, to assess risk, but most importantly to enjoy their life and be creative, knowing they were loved and trusted, including to do the right thing and be open and honest when things hadn’t gone right.
Greetings from Sydney, Australia.
When I was a kid we hardly ever played indoors. We rode bikes, built billy karts, went fishing, climbed trees, and went to the beach on our own .. no adult supervision!
I don’t have any broken limbs, I didn’t drown, and I was never attacked by anyone (although, Mum and Dad always reminded us about ‘stranger danger’).
Why are there so many potential dangers out there now? Has our world changed so much?
the news of this has made it over to the other side of the world all the way to Australia.
there is no doubt that the world has changed over the years but in saying that so have the people, kids these days are much more educated then the ones of even one or two generations ago. i can not speak about what happens in the ‘big apple’ because i have never been there but i live in the biggest city in Australia and every day i see kids catching buses, trains, trams and taxi’s on their own, some of these kids are in primary school still so they wouldnt be much older then this lady’s son. i do not see the harm in letting them do this on their own as long as they have respect for what they are doing, if they respect the fact that there are some f**ked up people out there who get off on little children then they will no not to let themselves get in a situation where that could happen. its all about educating them on the world they live in and if they have the right education they will know how to look after themselves.
PS who ever is against this woman, get over it, both her and her husband made the decision to let their son do this, they didnt do it in the middle of the night or anything like that to make it more dangerous for him. they have him a values lesson and now he has the confidence that he knows how to get home on his own if he needs to
I was riding buses and trains at the age of 7 by myself in NY. I let my kids explore and this is how they learn to be self efiicient. Listening to some of these parents, at least I know my children will be way more successful then theirs will ever be because they will have smarts these kids will envy when they’re ready for the real world. I am also from Australia and was born and bred in NYC, but if we keep our children under a strong strangle-hold, they’ll never learn and be street smart
G’Day i just came across this artical and i found myself compelled to say something on this matter i can not believe they have labled this lady americas worst mom for crist sakes come on and the moms that have there babys addicted to crack are bloody angels BAH!!
I come from a small town called Rockingham about 45mins south of perth Western Australia kids roam the streets on the way to and from school and shopping centers all the time i cant believe this lady is copping so much flack about this its mind boggling.
When i was a lad my perents didnt mind what the hell we did unless we wernt home befor 7pm it didnt matter we always knew how to fend for ourselves seriously its called life expirience how do you expect kids to grow and learn when they arnt out doing these things yes there are some dangerous people out in the world but you cant moddie coddle your kids cause they will never leave home and be 43years old sitting in the attic playing video games and who in their right mind would want that.
I live in Sydney, Australia and the kerfuffle that this issue has raised world wide just reinforces my view that Americans are insane.
You are doing your kids NO favours if you do not allow them to learn the skills they need to negotiate the world safely, and no child will learn these things by being told – they have to experience them and build confidence by overcoming obstacles and proving their ability to be self-sufficient. How can they do this if you wrap them in cotton wool?
I do not agree with feral parents letting their kids be exposed to unacceptable risks with zero guidance, but I DO believe that you must show your child that you have respect for them and their ability to make choices – because if you have brought them up right the choices they make WILL be the right ones.
It is entirely possible to bring up sensible children who are aware of potential dangers and are taught how to deal with them but are still awake to the fact that the world is an exciting, wonderful place and that some people are generous, kind and caring.
Giving children some freedom to catch the bus home from school and walk down to the local shops to buy an ice cream is in part a validation of your own confidence as a parent. Those parents who are unable to “let go” clearly have no confidence in themselves, and are raising another generation who will have no confidence in their abilities either…
I have just seen this and all I can say is good on you for allowing your son to gain independence. Being a couple with 5 children we bought them up free – range and they are now parents themselves and hopefully they will allow their children to have fun, freedom and adventures. Working with young teenagers in the work place you can see the difference between those who have been wrapped up in cottonwool and the ones that have been allowed to have a free range childhood. Cottonwool young adults have problems with relating to authority, push the boundaries in everyday life (binge drinking, anti-social behaviour, dangerous activities) or the reverse they can have phobias about everyday normal life experiences. Free- range kids usally grow up to be good adults understanding the boundaries in work and social occasions. The reason for this is that they have experienced most things in life and have the survival skills to know what is dangerous and what is not.
Yes our kids did things that we were not aware of but we had given them the skills no when to stop and that is the difference.
Please let your kids have a childhood because very quickly they become young adults and you can no longer smother them.
I RAISE MY CHILDREN FREE RANGE TO A DEGREE, BUT WOULDNT ALLOW A TRAIN TRIP, AT THIS STAGE.
BUT I DO GIVE MY CHILDREN THE CREDIT TO HAVE A GO AT THINGS. I TRUST THEM. THEY HAVE GOOD PARENTS !!!!!!!!
GOOD ON YOU FOR RAISING THE TOPIC.
GOOD ON YOU !!!!!!! I have always believed that kids enjoy the freedom of getting away from mums and/or dads control. As a kid I was basically pushed out the door in the morning and told to go and enjoy the outdoors. With all my friends in the street we would set off to go and climb tree’s, ride our bikes, build billy carts, catch tadpols, yabbee’s, rabbits and field mice. Yes, I got plenty of cuts breaks and bruises but it builds character, the adventure of all the silly things you do together builds great friendships. I now have three little girls(ages 2, 5 & 8) that I always push out the back door to go have some fun outside, unfortunately they cannot go out to play with friends as they are all too far away but they still enjoy riding there bikes, jumping on the trampoline, skipping, playing hop scotch and for the 2yo eating snails, worms and playing in puddles (yeehhh!!). People need to get there kids to enjoy time outside with other kids as they do silly things that bring smiles to remember.
No play, No way….
Im from Australia, and have grown up in one of the worst places in Australia as far as word of mouth goes, I was free range, and as far as I know I am still sane, reading the news article on this story annoyed a few of us here, I mean wake up to yourselfs kids need the knowledge and skills to get about as safe as possible, I think people with psychological problems usually become NBC TODAY Show talk show hosts dont they? Sounds like it too me.. over protecting kids will not help them in the real world and they will have no chance!
Times have changed. IT HAPPENS. Get over it. Ever heard of the concept that different contexts (times) change values placed on issues? Obviously not. Our context has changed from yours!! The world is not like it was 50 or so years ago.
Fine, go ahead, let your children ‘go’ and ‘experience’ the world… until they DIE by some horrible accident.
Then I’m pretty sure your change your fucking mind.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
I do not understand you people. It is our responsibility to protect our children, not to put them into a situation that can hurt them or potentially end their lives. Yes give them a little freedom, but not enough that it is them who suffer for it.
I have lost a friend whose parents gave her the freedom to do what she wanted at an age where she was not old enough to defend herself.. I have seen her parents and they are not good, they now live with the guilt that they didn’t protect their daughter.
Grow up, protect your kids, if they aren’t in that situation in the first place they can’t be hurt…
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
some comments from nine MSN Australia
free ranging kids.Posted by: sian, Sydney, Australia, on 13/06/2008 4:56:20 PM
As a Mother of five and a grandmother of four, I think that bringing up kids these days is no more dangerous than when I brought up mine, or back in the sixties when we were brought up. the most dangerous thing back then, was the hiding you got from Dad or Mum when you were caught doing something ***. I caught the school bus from the age of five in a city to go to school, and that was a good way to make friends of the local kids I met on the way to school and back each day. We can stifle childrens natural curiousity and decision making abilities by suffocating them with dont do that, its too dangerous type of talk. We see too much media coverage of child abductions such as Madeleine McCann, in Portugal, and because the coverage is so extensive and goes on for months, it makes the amount of abductions look more prolific than what they truly are. Of course things can an do go horribly wrong and common sense must prevail. Building self esteem in kids is also important.
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free range kidsPosted by: umm, brisbane, on 13/06/2008 4:45:40 PM
i dont see what’s so bad. there’s kids at nine who travel home all by themselves from school. i go past them everyday. there’s even a kid that’s up to my knees, i see her walking. i was sitting on the bus the other day, this kid looked about 10. she was able to have a conversation with the lady sitting next to her. i wouldn’t see my mum for like one second in the shopping centre, i would cry my eyes out, and panic because i was always with her, i needed the freedom to learn.
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free range kidsPosted by: dizzie, sydney, on 13/06/2008 4:43:23 PM
good on you mum. we are now wrapping our kids in cotton wool, and not letting them doing anything. when i was a kid of that age my friends and myself went to the national park by our selfs. so give the kids of today more freedom to make ther own mitakes how else will they lurn
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freerange kidPosted by: tegan, adelaide, on 13/06/2008 4:41:52 PM
thats stupid. she doesnt deserve the ladel worst mum. its not like she dropped him off on the other side of town where he had no idea where he was and said ‘find your own way home’, it was planned, he want to do it, it was only a few k’s. im 15 and ive been catching the bus for 5 years, theres no harm. theres nothing wrong with teaching you kids at an early age how to do it because i have friends that are 16 or 17 and cant ride the bus or train by themselves because they dont know how
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hahaPosted by: Affgar, Southern Highlands, on 13/06/2008 4:38:43 PM
Glad the media can have such fun with this a create such an stir. Children have to make their way home from schools or events all the time. Shame parents now days are required to conform to the normal practises of working a 40 hour week. Parents have much less time for their children, unless one parent has the luxury of earning heaps of money to support the family. I find it so funny how many people are fooled by the media
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Free Range KidsPosted by: Me, Here, on 13/06/2008 4:36:56 PM
All I know is I purposefully took my 11 year old daughter to Victoria to visit a friend of mine and her family and left her to catch the plane home from Melbourne to Sydney alone (under the normal airline restrictions for such an age) because she was afraid of anything new or different, a hang over from her mother not me. At 12 I let her catch the train to school and back every day, alone, and even go into the city to meet her friends (who I knew) for an afternoon. She is now in her late teens and quite capable of going anywhere she wants to alone, or with friends, she can navigate and find her way home from anyplace. The ONE important thing I DID teach her was that stupid things happen to people who put themselves in STUPID situations. Always stay where there are a lot of people, dont walk down dark alleys alone, and if you have a problem with someone, SCREAM, yell, make as much noise as possible because no one will ignore a young girl who is being harrased. She is fine, go for it.
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I don’t see a problem with what she didPosted by: shiska, gold coast, on 13/06/2008 4:36:45 PM
I don’t see a problem with what she did. I used to travel using public transport when I was that age or maybe younger.I remember asking adults to pull the cord for my stop on the buses. Being responsible or making a child responsible, should not be condemed but applauded.
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Free Range kidsPosted by: Mum, Bris, on 13/06/2008 4:34:43 PM
She wasn’t irresponable in that she supplied the child who asked to be allowed to try, with sufficent money and a map to navigate his way home. Whats the problem???
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OverprotectingPosted by: A teenager wrapped in wool, Melbourne, Australia, on 13/06/2008 4:31:23 PM
Though I do not agree with the lack of supervision, it does go to show that parents today are far too overprotective of their children. As one of these children, I believe that we are capable of making our own decisions, and that holding hands with our parents all the way through does not teach us anything at all about survival and life. It is fine to criticise her method of parenting – however, you can not brand ANY parent “the worst” if they made the choice to place confidence in their child. In fact, the worst parents have absolutely no confidence in their children! In this case, the mother has confidence in her son’s ability to survive, and thus has allowed him to grow not as a sheep but as an individual.
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we do put the fear in our kidsPosted by: penni, wanneroo, on 13/06/2008 4:25:29 PM
I think that in today’s world there needs to be caution…but not fear.Subsequently many kids get driven to School,or mum walks them everyday to School…how do I know becuase that was me… I was always telling the kids watch out for strangers don’t do this and don’t do that….whats happened is they now believe that if I’m not with them..then something is going to happen to them. We as parents need to prepare our children for circumstances should they arrive..what to do,but we should’nt be putting fear in them that every adult out there is out to molest or kill them.. We need to help them become Independent so that it refelects in their whole life..that they can do things and do things successfully and that they need not be afraid.
I am from Australia, i was a freerange kid. Lets face it, we may as well not send our kids to school because how are we supposed to protect them there? Being freerange never hurt me and i hope my kids have the same experience. As for some of the mothers who say we need to protect our kids. Keep yours at home, that is the only way you will be able to protect them, and even then that is debateable.
Good on you.
i’m 18 and i believe i am somewhat a freerange child, from the age of 12 i got myself to and from school everyday, when i moved a bit further away from my school i mearnt to catch a bus and i’ve never been hurt in public, from when i was 15 i was allowed to catch trains and sometimes there are homeless people but theres nothing to be scared of, i see the way my mum “babies” my 11 year old brother and it makes me wonder if he’ll ever be independant like me… when i have children ill slowly introduce them to responsibility, freedom and independance as they grow up because i know that if i shelter them they’ll lie to me to get out of the house and ‘hats more scary because then you dont know where they are, i think as long as a parent knows where their child is then all is fine.
Uh Hey. I’m a 13 year old kid who lives in australia. i TOTALY suport FreeRangeKids or whatever its called. i really wish my mum found this website before now.
In my opinion FreeRange kids are healthier and have a better sence of the world around them. Freedom for children opens our minds and lets us be more creative than being stuck in side watching T.V or playing on the computer.
my mum always tells me “When i was your age i’d be outside, or down at the park, playing softball with my friends”. and i’m all like, you tell me this, but you’d never let ME do it. i don’t think she quite undrestands when im comeing from. Frankly i’d LOVE to be at the park playing with my friends……
Thank you, this is so important. How can we expect our children to be safe as young adults if we keep them cooped up and ignorant when they’re younger? Everyone’s different, so there can’t be a definite age. My son – now 24 – was roaming around the inner-city area we live, from about 8 years old – going into the city centre from about 10 – and travelling independently to other cities from about 13. Most often he explored first with friends. Now he’s a confident adult happy to travel independently, he has moved from England and now lives in downtown LA, and I know he can look after himself.
Im 14 and i support freerangekids cause its awesome. My mum lets me go lots of places and i learn city smarts and how to get myself from ‘a’ to ‘b’. Besides “Safety” has taken the fun out of everything these days- a swing cant be more than 5 centimeters from the ground =p. lol.
what a joke
free range my ass
I cant believe what people are saying about you.
I have become a well adjusted and confident 26 year old because my parents knew when to leave me to walk home from school, and when it was important to have someone with me.
Mt parents trust in me has earned me respect for them.
Please try to ignore some of the horrible things that are being said. you are doing right!
‘Helicopter parenting’ produces a breed of children who, as adults, find it difficult to act independently, problem solve and have confidence in their own decision making abilities.
I believe that ‘free range’ parenting teaches children ‘survival skills’ and helps them to have belief and confidence in themselves. It not only provides a smooth transition into adulthood but also prepares them to deal with issues or problems that life can throw up at us.
The key is to find some common ground between these two methods of parenting. Extremes in either direction are going to exhibit ill effects. Maybe there should be a third option termed ‘safety net’ parenting. Let the children walk the tightrope with the knowledge that they can be safe when they do have a fall. Each year the tightrope can be raised a little higher but the safety net will always be there. With this knowledge children will then have the confidence to strive to new heights and develop their own style of walking the tightrope.
I just wanted to say that this free range thing is a GREAT thing! I have worked with Kindergarden groups for 20 years and I have seen very clearly how parents have become more worried and much, much more over protecting of their kids. Its really heartbreakig to see, beacuse I think that you ruin the kids lifes if you don’t teach them to be independent. Imagine having no sense of independence, of self esteem and control… So, keep up the good work! 🙂 🙂
What a great site!!!! I’m a teacher in Australia and a father of two kids. We have parents at our school who think its okay for their 7-year-olds to watch MA15+ rated movies and play MA15+ shoot-em-up computer games, but at our recent swimming program the same parents were out in force DRESSING (yes, dressing) their kids and not giving them a chance to be independent. It seems that many parents are protective when they should be backing off and backing off when they should be independent. The biggest problem today – childhood obesity. Where does it come from? Parents not letting their kids out!!!. I love this site!!!! Stay strong and know that if we work together we can do something great for our kids.
Great idea. My parents realised that after over parenting their first child she still ended up dropping out of school, having a baby, smoking, drinking and experimenting with drugs. I’m now 18 and because they relaxed with me I found it easier to grow and experience life.
PRAISE THE LORD! Finally someone else who thinks that letting their kid play in the dirt, roll on the lawn, and play in their own yard without Mum and Dad breathing down their necks is NORMAL!
I didn’t sterilise my kid’s pacifier, nor do I disinfect every surface in my home. He plays in the yard and gets filthy dirty. And guess what? He’s healthy and happy with an amazing sense of adventure and an awesome imagination!
The headline I saw was “Is this woman America’s worst mother”? .. and to that I say “HELL NO!”. Thank you Lenore for saying on national (international?) television that allowing your kids to do stuff without you watching 24/7 is NORMAL. The world is full of fear-mongering panic merchants. It’s about time we told them all to SHUT UP and let the kids be kids.
Sure I’ll worry when my boy gets the school bus by himself, but I bet my mother worried about me when I did the same and I had exactly ZERO incidents in all my school years. Nor have I had any incidents in all the years I’ve travelled on public transport … regardless of the country! (And yes, I rode the NYC subway when I was there in 2000.)
Good on you, Lenore!
Oh, Lenore. Lenore! You are a gift to me right now. Thank you for bringing this issue into the light in a way that gets people talking, and, most of all, advocating for the health of all children.
Affluence has bred danger. It’s counter-intuitive, but truly, a child who is not given a chance to “meet his growing edge” and learn independent decision-making is at grave risk. Physical health risks like diabetes and obesity, mental health risks like depression and suicide. I find myself longing for more research to show what I intuitively sense: that over-protection is killing our kids… slowly.
It’s also killing families. Financially, spiritually. Being held accountable for your child’s whereabouts every second of the day is a burden that was not part of past generations’ experience. I lament about this to my mother, who remembers seeing me eat my cereal in the morning and then arrive home for dinner. She assumed I was safe, around, knew my way home. And this began at age 4 for me.
I live in what is probably the ideal town for raising independent kids: it’s like a model train-set town, planned out to be walkable. Most people who live here rave about how much they love it for that reason, but the children are not being given the wonderful opportunity to develop independence… they are driven 4 blocks to school, they are always accompanied.
My greatest fear is that in my zeal to offer my children the beautiful, healthy experience of age-appropriate independence, I will be denied custody of them. My ex-husband has threatened to bring in the authorities to “report” me for sending my gorgeously capable son to the grocery store 4 blocks away, or allowing him to walk to school. When asked if he really feels it is so dangerous, he says, “There are cars being stolen all the time here,” (how does that relate to children’s safety, I wonder) or, “There have been a lot of robberies lately [in neighboring affluent area]” or “There are lots of kids who have disappeared and never found around here” (one stranger abduction in 20 years).
He is nearly frothing at the mouth when he defends his strategy of keeping our children “safe.” And I find myself nearly frothing at the mouth to defend what I see as their “long-term” safety. If they are merely kept alive, but not allowed to LIVE, they will be at great risk for a broad range of suffering.
I think what I mourn the most these days is that my desire for autonomy is met with threats of legal action. In generations past, the “over-protective” parent was the pariah everyone rolled their eyes about. Now it is the parent who says, “you can get yourself to school,” or “go out and see if your friend up the street is home,” or “could you please run to the store and get some milk? Here’s $5, bring me the change,” who is scrutinized, criticized, and called irresponsible, even dangerous.
Dear God, save us from ourselves. Let us trust in the fact that we cannot and are not meant to control everything, for ourselves or for our children. Let us see how beautiful the rewards are of living life fully, and share that with our kids.
Yes, yes, yes! I raised my now 26 year-old as a free range kid. He was taking buses to and from school in Washington D.C. at 7, and navigating his way accross Hong Kong on his own at 10
Waris Dirie describes her life as a nomadic child in Somalia where ,at age 6, children take the camels, alone, out in the desert for food and water, sometimes for several days. Compared to that, a few buses or the underground are really rather tame.
What freed me from the climate of parental fear (yes, we had it back then) was the death of a 7 year old girl in our area. She was standing at the school bus stop one morning with her mother, holding her mother’s hand. Out of the blue, a drunk driver knocked her down and killed her.
Why was that reassuring?
Question to myself, “Could that mother have been doing anything else to prevent the tragedy” Answer, “no”. Q, “Would it be reasonable to keep a child indoors and homeschooled on the minute chance that a drunk driver might kill them at a bus stop?” A, “no”. Suddenly it was clear that if bad lightening strikes, one lives with the consequences, but one should never live in constant fear of the potential for tragedy.
So I asked myself if I could live with myself if I let my son do something and a tragedy occurred, and I realised that I could. I also realised that I could not live with myself if I kept him caged up, afraid of the world. After all, we are raising children to be competent adults, not incompetent ones.
Interestingly, my son learned early to cope with risks. At age 7, he once refused to get on a bus because the driver was drinking out of a paper bag and smelled of alcohol. By age 11 he could cope with household disasters such as cobras in the kitchen and toilet tanks that fell off the wall. By age 13 he had helped the local fire department put out a hillfire and “save” our village. So by the time he hit 15 and started having to cope with the real dangers of sex, drugs, and social pressure, he was ready. He also knew that mistakes had real consequences. Other kids came to him with their problems.
With respect to the fear of a child being molested, as a child welfare professional I am well aware that most pedophiles are in the child’s family or immediate community. Those pedophiles or potential pedophiles can be watched and children can be educated to treat them with some caution without getting hysterical about the issue. Yes, there are the rare people who snatch children off streets, but no amount of coddling will totally protect from them and I just file those people under the “bad lightening ” category.
I remember seeing an interview with the English neuroscientist Susan Greenfield, in which she bemoaned modern restrictive childhoods and credits some of her creativity and thought processes to a childhood free to experiment.
Let children free. Thank you Free Range Kids.
As a parent of a three year old, I hope to have the courage and good sense to let her experience the world on her own (within reason). We live in a great walking area of Los Angeles and her elementary school is four blocks away.
When I little I played in the neighborhood out of my parents’ sight all of the time and when I was 13 I went by myself to a day concert at CBGBs in NY from the Upper West Side. These and other similar experiences helped me to become confident and enjoy and appreciate new adventures and travel.
My nieces, now 13 and 15, have rarely spent any time alone, and don’t like to be in the house by themselves during the DAY. The youngest told me that she wants to live at home until she is married, and then always live in the area. I know this comes from overprotective parenting, and feel sad that they lack the confidence to go out on their own. Will they ever travel around the world, as I did at 23, without a cell phone, computer or other easy ways to instantly communicate? Will they travel at all?
Thanks for the blog and risking the label of America’s Worst Mom. You are quite the opposite.
I grew up in a third world country with a terrorist problem. I was allowed to play outside by myself, ride my back to other neighborhoods, take the bus home from school and drink from the water hose. And no, I never had a cell phone or pager or any way of being contacted while I was out at play. And here I am, alive and well and hoping to fight off the resistance to raising my children with some of independence and a healthy sense of adventure.
Hi
I just wanted to share an experience i had with my daughters aged 9 and 7.We live in Sydney Australia in a good neighbourhood.I allow my children to play outside unsupervised on most occasions.The catch a bus to school and walk to and from the bus stop by themself which is about 2 blocks.On Wednesday afternoon both my daughters came running home crying screaming that a man tried to kidnap them.The were 4 houses from ours and a man pulled over beside them and opened his door and told them he would take them home.My oldest said thats ok we can walk and he started to get out of the car.Both my daughters ran as fast as they could.My husband ran out to find the man but he was one.The next day a letter was sent home from school about another little girl just around the corner from us that was missing presumed kidnapped.Im ever so thankful that my children remember all their stranger danger lessons and put hem to use when needed.It scares me that something like that can happen right up the street.For now my children are not allowed to walk home by themselves and if they are playin outside myself,husband or a neighbour are outside with them.I hope to one day become the same mum I was a month ago allowing them more freedom but until i feel secure again,Ill be watching them like a hawk.
Im all for free range children,how else are they going to learn street smarts,but for now ill be a nervous mum and keep them close.
Thanks sorry its so long
I was proud to let my kids walk to school from the age of 7. They are now confident, independant young adults who always find their way home and let me know they have arrived safely.
My best friend and I roamed the city of 2 million we lived in when we were 9 years old. It was in 1963 so some will say that was a different time. But the city was Lahore Pakistan and I had seen more of it than my parents by the time we moved back to the USA.It was a wonderfull experience and a wonderful time in my life. I’m very happy my mother was willing to let me do those things. I gave my sons the same freedom when they were young and they are now very competent citizens who were excited and happy to get out on their own and willing to live where ever they needed to further their careers.
I am the over protective parent and due to things that have happened in my life I over protect my daughter, to the point that she can not think for herself or do anything by herself and this being over protective means it is child abuse. I was always alone after school and walked to school but coming home to an empty house is not something I ever enjoyed it was just life. So I admit that I have to let go alot, but unsure of how really. All my fears are not from the media but all in all it made me the strong person I am today even with dealing with a gang rape, home invasion and in the end drug use but all these I have oversome and I am a good person and a very strong one, but I do have alot of memories that were very fun and I learnt alot from. So any advice on how to let go when you are over protective I would be grateful as letting go seems to be harder in pratice than in thoughts….
I am so for this!! I was raised a free range kid and I want my son to have all the fun that I was able to. I live on the same street that I was raised on. (Just across the street from my childhood home.) My son is 6 and stays with my parents while I work the night shift. When I wake up in the mid afternoon, I walk my son home but he tells me when to cross. When we go to the store he goes to different isles to get the things that I forgot. I know people who are still watching over their kids like crazy, these kids are 18 and 22 years old. When will they ever grow up? I wasn’t sure if I was a bad mom? I was wondering when I could let my son stay home while I work, while other mothers are taking off work because their 22 year old was sick? I wouldn’t even do that and my son is only 6. More people need to let their kids grow up! Kids don’t have as much FUN when you are watching over them always!!
I am all for Free Range Kids and it appears a vast majority of other Australians are in the same boat. In today’s ninemsn.com.au article about your cause, just under one hundred comments were received from readers before they stopped taking comments. Of these over 95% were in favour. I suspect they stopped taking comments as they were all supporting you. We have three children and don’t wrap them in cotton wool. Keep up the fight.
Craig Little (Brisbane, Australia)
Lenore,
An interesting experience. This week I let my 9 year old walk to and from our house to golf camp. We live on the golf course, so this is not even really “free range”, but very different from everyone else in our suburban over-protective neighborhood. Each morning, he stayed at our house for about 30 minutes after I left for work, walked to the clubhouse, did his camp thing, then walked home afterward. One day he called me on the cell phone to tell me what his coach said (honestly, he wasn’t checking in…he was just proud of his accomplishments)…all of a sudden he says “OH MY GOD!” In my mind I freak out (pervert, stranger, drunk golfer, rabid animal)…he’s quiet for a couple of seconds, then says “Mom, I just saw a snake, a HUGE snake….I backed away and the snake slithered away…that was SOOOO cool!” Turns out it was probably a 3-4 foot water moccasin who was way more interested in the water hazard (drought in Texas) than it was in my little golfer.
So, anyway, he may be way more prepared for free range than I am….I’m learning.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could let kids go out alone and have the independence that we had when we were children? But the fact is that things have changed. WE have to face that. There are a lot more nutjobs and sick people preying on children out there. Why take a chance? You can still raise perfectly independent and happy well adjusted children without playing with their lives.
Well done ,
To those who haven’t / wont let their kids “fledge”,don’t criticize other parents behaviour….I allowed my son at 10 to come home and be there for about 40 minutes a few times each week when I went on to further education to allow me to return to work and, along with my husband provide that wee bit more for us.
He will 14 in October and he is a polite,well mannered,level headed boy and I have had many comments from strangers and teachers on his “mature sensible” outlook on life.
On the other hand he is a “daft”snow boarding, footballing ,off to the cinema or Mac D’s with his friends sort of boy and in recent weeks…that other “interest”, girls, is the theme at the moment.
I too had strange looks and comments when other parents became aware my son was at home alone on the dark winter nights. We have a good relationship with our son who is a normal kid in every way.
We did what was right for our situation and we were all ready for it.
I also “stalked” him when he first went to school with his friend on their own. School was less than 5 mins away. I was worried sick if he was more than 10 mins coming home.
Parents worry…..I bet you were too.
Your son will feel like a “man” I’m sure. We wish you well.
Sandra Brown
Glasgow Scotland UK
Okay; Here is my standard posting. Parents know what is best for their kids. Whethere it be the freedom to roam and play or the disernment to determine that the child is not ready for such freedom. I do not believe that Miss Skenazy is the worst mom in America. I think she decided what was best for her son and acted on it. Nothing wrong with that at all. Now that much said, I do not think we should worship her as a god. She should not get to decide how everyone in America or the world raises their kids. I , for one, would not trust her with my kids. But this is how I feel about most people. Most people do not have the experience to handle a disabled child and to understand that if you tell an austitic boy like my son to jump on the subway well you are just asking for trouble. This would be abandoning him and believe me I wish he could handle riding the train home or whatever. He just lacks the communication skills and the understanding of what to do. I know his limitations and capabilities and I am always trying to expand them. But I will always be cautious with him, this I know angers the free range crowd. Sorry,but I will not follow Miss Skenazy’s advice here. I believe I know what is best for him not MIss Skenazy or other parents on this site who have never met him. Most of them have very limited experience with special needs kids. Personally, I think it’s great to have this pride in your children’s accomplishments. Ofcourse, there is a fine line between pride and bragging. On this site, that line is quite blurred. I do think that if my son could do some of these things that are discussed on this site, I would just smile and be happy. Not feel compelled to gush over and over in order to make the parents of less fortunate and disabled children to feel bad. Perhaps that is just the stoic in me. Good Luck to all parents whether free range or not. I give the benefit of the doubt that they are all doing their best for their kids.
Amen Joe. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Our child is also on the “autism spectrum” and I completely agree with you.
Shari,
Thank you. It’s great to have someone understand my position, someone in a similar situation. Take care and good luck to you and your
family.
Joe
Same to you. All the best for you and your family. Good luck and I’m sure you will do a great job raising your child!
Shari,
Same to you. Your child is lucky to have you!
Dumbass? Seriously, that’s your comment? I love it when people are offensive and then have nothing intelligent to say, all while posting cowardly as “anonymous”. Yep, there’s a dumbass here and it’s definitely not Lenore.
Joe
Thanks. Likewise I’m sure. This is a great website and I’m sure all these parents are doing a good job with their kids. Let me know if you know of any websites for children on the autism spectrum.
Take care All.
I think we all agree on one thing. We all want the best for our kids and we are all doing our best!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I were literally feral children. I grew up in a rural community.
Today, I homeschool my three children, and I cannot tell you how many people assume it’s because I’m over-protective. Nothing could be further from the truth. I honestly feel that my kids are safer riding their bikes around the block unsupervised than they are in the public school system – but that’s a whole nuther topic, hee hee.
The twins just turned 10. I live in a nice New England suburban neighborhood. There was a home invasion several months ago 1/4 mile from my house, they haven’t caught the guy and they now believe this to be a serial case with other invasions/rapes dating back to 2001 in MY TOWN. My husband is now freaking out about my letting the kids ride their bikes around the block alone.
Of course I am protective of my kids, but I want them to have the same freedom I did as a child. How does one fight the fear? Or get over the fear? Or do you ever?
Shari
Sorry I do not know of any sites for autism spectrum
children. More proof that we have to raise awareness
and understanding for our kids’ sake. But let’s keep
having fun with them, that’s the best part you know!
Thanks again.
You might want to try out autism-hub.co.uk, if you’re not the sort of parents who believe that autism is the result of vaccine poisoning and that you could receive a large settlement from “Big Pharma.” It’s an aggregator for blogs dealing with autism, particularly for parents who have autistic kids and deal with it, rather than trying to grasp at straws for a “cure.”
ebohlman,
Thanks I will take a look. I do not blame the vaccine
poisoning. I feel like no matter what speculation
goes on that we have to trust the doctors and the CDC.
However, I guess I am foolish enough to “grasp at
straws” and hope for a cure. Sorry, but that would be
my dream if there was a cure. I know that at best it
would probably be preventative and more than likely
not help my son. It’s just hard to give up that dream.
I do think I am ” dealing with it”; whatever that means
exactly. I do wish that there were more services
available for my son or more medical coverage. But,
that is not the case. If you mean, I should drop those
thoughts as far as ” dealing with it” goes, well it’s just
not going to happen. I can’t help but wish there was
a better system in operation to aid my son and other
kids like him as they get older. I do not expect it to
change though. There are still too many people who
think we should just “deal with it” and then shut up.
They do not want to hear it after all it’s not there kid.
Also, too many people who do not even think autism
exists. They think we just need to discipline our kids
more. That is absolute nonsense. I will keep doing
whatever is necessary to help him go as far as he can.
I know I will get no help from my government or my
community. I don’t like it but that is the reality. I will
take a look at the site though so thank you.
I posted on this when I first read the article about you in the Times in the UK, but I have to post again because I am really proud of myself.
Spurred on by this website, my husband and I last Sunday did something we’d been talking about (and then conveniently “forgetting”) for months. We sent our seven year old to the shop to buy his comic alone.
We live in a very nice neighbourhood – unlike friends who live where the middle class kids are targetted and mugged by teenagers on the street – and the shop is three minutes walk away long slow roads where cars slow down further if they see you want to cross. My seven year old is also very sensible about roads and is naturally cautious (unlike his brother, who never takes anything seriously and will not believe something might hurt him until it does).
All this means there is no reason why I shouldn’t have done it before and I am really proud, not just of him (he is walking around ten feet tall right now) but of me (and my husband), because we hated every minute of it. Parenthood is about letting go and it is not fun – It was just like first day at school, first day leaving the baby with my husband to go to the shop, first day going back to work – sheer, complete, terror (I’m starting to tremble just thinking about it now), but it was worth it, because it reminded us that he is a person in his own right and that we have to trust him.
Thank you for pushing me to do this – it was so worth while. I have been preaching this type of thing for years, but it is harder to carry it through!
I cringe when I hear that some kids are in a house all day playing video games! They have no idea the fun they are missing. Their parents are taking the best part of childhood away from them.
Which is imaginary play, have a space rocket that goes to the moon (but is a delapidated car), being an indisn princess, being on a pirate ship, skateboarding down a really steep hill crashing getting really hurt and bloody going to your friends house to wipe the blood off then going home and having your parents say “either in or out, go out and play again” they have no idea what just happened and it is your duty to not tell them it’s a kid thing you know.
To all of the freaked out parents, there are bad people out there and if they want to get you they will break down your door, so why not live your life?
Teresa
What you don’t realize is that there are a lot of special needs children out there and TONS on the autism spectrum (as you can see from the above postings). A lot of these children just don’t have that capability of imagining things like being pirates ..etc.. Each child is different. Now if you are talking about the lazy parents who just sit on the couch all day and let their kids play games that is quite a dfiferent story and I agree with you BUT special needs childen find comfort in computer games and video games. It is calming to a lot of autistic children. Also I would hardly compare a burglar breaking down your door with a molestor who is prowling the streets.
I can understand why parents would be fearful. There are, if you think about it, a lot of things to worry about. But maybe one should also try to see one’s child’s point of view – how would you like it if you didn’t have the freedom to go anywhere unattended? Kids are better than we think at protecting themselves, and if one gives them good advice on staying safe, they’ll probably understand. Pay attention to your child and gradually give them more freedom as you think they can handle the responsibility
* :)*
Caroline
I see what your saying its just that really what power would a young child (who is taught how to protect themselves) really have over a grown man? That is the scare now a days. There is a happy medium with raising children that doesn’t involve putting them in harms way.
I absolutely agree with freedom for kids, letting kids be curious, letting them learn, and letting them fall sometimes so that they may learn even more. However, I believe that a certain degree of supervision is required according to age. For instance, I have a 4 year old boy (soon to be 5) who is not allowed to go down the street to the park or out in the unfenced yard by himself. We play with him, or merely step back and observe. Our 15 year old daughter has much more freedom than him, and this is as it should be. It is neglectful to not supervise children so young. Think of the consequences that could happen…
This is also for Teresa…
While I completely agree with you that some parents are in fact taking the lazy way out by plunking their youngsters in front of a video game console, or a television…what would you call those parents (and we know that they are out there..) that sit around inside watching t.v. themselves, and or yack on the phone smoking cigarettes or what have you while their children are outside unattended? I would call this extremely lazy, as well as neglectful.
i grew up in a small town in sweden, i started walking to and from the school and anywhere else i wanted at 6. im all for freeranging kids
Anna,
Cudos! You are so right. My son loves the computer and for him it is relaxing and something he
can excel at and be successful. He needs that for his
self-confidence and just to have fun. One of the things
autistic kids do miss out on is FUN. So, why not let him do something he enjoys. Now he also plays baseball and bowls ( both leagues for special needs
kids and a godsend to me) plus we play in the yard and he likes walking around the creek, going to the
movies, etc. But without a doubt, his favorite thing is the
computer. What people like Teresa don’t understand is
that the computer or video game is something he
connects with much more than other people. Sorry, but
that is a fact of autism. Ofcourse, it would help if the
other kids in the neighborhood ( free range no doubt)
would ask him to play or include him in something.
Obviously that is not going to happen since mostly they
ignore him or make fun of him. I suppose that is the
free range way. So there is something for the free range parents to try: Have your kids include children like my son or hell atleast have them stop making fun of him and kids like him. Autism is a tough thing. Our family deals with it and we are doing okay. For me, what is really heart-breaking is my son is 10 and he
has no friends. We have tried but kids and the parents
too just keep him at arms length and will not let him play with them. I suppose they think autism is contagious. The upside of autism is that, if you have it,
you don’t really care about other peoples opinions. So,
none of this bothers my son. He does not care if they make fun of him, call him “retard” , “idiot “or whatever. He just wonders why they are doing it in an analytical sense. Now, it bothers me; it bothers the hell out of me. But my priority is taking care of him so I try to ignore it. So there is the challenge free rangers; don’t be so cruel and mean to less fortunate kids. Hell, try including them. They don’t bite; well usually not.
Good luck to all parents. I do not think there are that many lazy parents out there. Sometimes if you see them on the playground or in the neighborhood, maybe they are raising their kids different then you.
So what! They are allowed to raise them as they see fit.
Besides, maybe they have a reason for doing so; maybe there is a developmental disability or some other reason. You just don’t know. My son does not have a big “A” on his forehead for autism and no one else does either. I say the vast majority of parents know what is best for their kids. They know the whole story. Maybe you don’t and honestly it’s not really your business. Take this from someone who knows. I am proud of my son; I am not ashamed but I grow weary of explaining my son to strangers sometimes. It’s not really their business and I have seen what my wife and I call ” The Look” enough times. It’s this look back from other parents; a mixture of fear, pity and even disgust with a heaping pile of “thank god not me”
I don’t need ” The Look” anymore. I have seen it enough.
Good luck all! Keep on parenting as you see fit. Do the best you can and hopefully everyone else can shut up and mind their own business. Thanks.
I am steadily but surely encouraging my 6 year old to venture out past the front yard and ride his bike around the block without mom and dad hovering. My only issue is that it would be much easier if the other parents on our street would do the same. Our neighborhood is full of young, school age boys (6-10) and you would swear that we didn’t have a kid on our block. I admit in Louisiana, most kids wait until early evening to venture out of the house, it is pretty hot and humid, but they don’t do that most times. I would have no issue with my son hanging out and riding his bike outside without us if there were more kids out there. My parents always said there is safety in numbers. It just breaks my heart that my son is forced to ride his bike alone most afternoons, because other parents are scared stiff to let their boys out to play on our very quiet and isolated block.
Stacey,
That sounds just terrible. Imgine how my son feels. The parents of the kids in our neighborhood
don’t want their kids to even talk to him since he is
autistic. I think they don’t want to have to explain him
to them or it’s that ” But for the Grace of God goes
my child” mentality or that the diabled should be unseen and unheard or they just hate autistic kids.
So, maybe, you don’t have it so bad. Atleast your son
will grow up with all the opportunities of a normal
social life ( career, marriage, being in love, kids), my
son is almost assuredly going to miss all of that. But
right now he is the one who doesn’t get invited to
birthday parties and we invite 10 kids and none show
up. He doesn’t have any friends and it doesn’t get him
that upset. He just wonders why. He’s funny. He still
calls all the neighborhood kids his friends when he
sees them. But he does ask, why don’t my friends want
to come over. No doubt they are all free range kids and
parents. What are they afraid of; he’s just 10; he’s not
crazy; he’s autistic. So my deepest sympathies Stacey.
I have afeeling your son will be fine. I really do hope so.
I hope that for all the kids and parents on this website.
Good Luck.
JOE
I understand where you are coming from. You sound like a great dad and your son must love you very much. Don’t worry about the other kids. I know our hearts break when we see our children being left out because they are different. It isn’t fair yet this is what life has dealt. The good thing is I’m sure your son is very happy. He doesn’t know any better and I bet he smiles every time he sees his wonderful dad come in the door.
GOD bless you and your family. Keep your faith. He will do well.
Several years ago we moved to a home a half block from our public library. I thought it would be great to let my 9 & 6 year old daughters walk the 1/2 block alone, with me watching from the yard. But it turns out the library does not allow “unattended children,” so I’ve never been able to let them go. It used to be that kids were free range and all the adults in the community stepped in as necessary. Now adults/organizations will not accept the responsibility (liability?) of having kids around. Oh, except for when the kids are dropping dime at the mall: that is totally OK.
Just to let you know, my husband is a police officer, and it is a well known fact amonst them that the best place to find a sex offender is in the local public library, many times they do not have residences to speak of, and they spend the day in the library reading magazines, and using the computer. I alow my kids to do many things unattended, however the library is one place I take them.
Anonymous:
Thank you for the kind words. My best wishes
and hopes for your family as well.
I created a child safety seminar in our city called ASSERT Super Kids. The big idea – Kids can go out and play all day and you don’t have to worry about them – when you train them to know what to watch for and how to respond to suspicious behavior. My message to kids is that nearly all adults are great and like kids, but there are a few out there we should know about. When kids are assertive, confident, and know self protection skills they are less likely to even be approached.
I allow my kids to go out and play unsupervised. They play all day, run around, get into trouble, and do dangerous things…come to think about it, that is what I did too! There is nothing sadder than driving around a neighborhood (I am a cop) and seeing no children outside playing. Parents need to do some simple training and then they need to release their kids out into the world to explore.
I am always telling my kids to turn off the TV and go out and play, that is the same advice I give to parents – the media reports every weird thing in America – less TV=less worry -when kids get hurt it makes headlines and headlines mean $.
Kids need adventure without parents approving every move. They need to know how to solve their own problems. The only way they learn that is by a little parental coaching and life experience.
I’ve just stumbled upon this website and I’m definitely telling my friends about it. I’m all for free range kids.
Although I live in Portugal, a mild mannered country compared to the US (crime statistics, I mean), I come across the same kind of arguments against raising my kids with as much freedom as I have enjoyed. I had my home key set when I was 10, walked to and back from school and hope my kids will do that too.
Now, my oldest in only 3. I’m still waiting to know if I will actually meet my parenting expectations. I can’t really let him take the tube or the bus on his own yet. But I did let him go out and meet dad at the cafeteria while I was changing the younger one at the changing rooms in the swimming pool. He went out the door, all the way along the corridor, took 2 turns and found his dad. Completely out of my sight, surrounded by strangers, and so proud of going on his own. I just told him “If you can’t find dad, just come back here”.
I think he will be playing outside as soon as he is tall enough so he can reach the doorbell.
not smart joana. not at all.
Just want to let you all know that this week my 9 year old will be flying on an airplane from San Antonio to Denver…on his own! Some of my friends think I’m crazy…he thinks he is King of the World (or at least King of his group of friends). Thanks to this website for giving me the courage to let him exercise the independence to make some of his own decisions.
Karla,
I can see you are very proud but not very stoic.
Congratulations. Keep raising your children as you
see fit. Regardless of if you agree or disagree with
this website. That goes for all parents out there. I
think we are all doing the best that we can.
I understand that you probably don’t want your children to grow up afraid and not able to survive as independent adults. On the other hand, I think you’re also teaching them that there is nothing to fear and that isn’t correct. It’s survival of the fittest and if they don’t know who/what the enemy is, how will they avoid it? There are many, many dangers to protect them from and it does take work – that’s what parenting is. If you want them to run wild and stay out of your hair, you shouldn’t have had them.
Think about those girls in Oklahoma, walking on a dirt road in a small town. Within a few minutes of leaving home, they were brutally murdered possibly by a thrill-seeker. Free-range didn’t work there, did it?
I teach special needs kids aged 12-17 at a public school in Gothenburg, Sweden. When I started three years ago, all the kids were pretty much kept on a leash and there where no independence worth talking about. Consequently, none of the kids dared to do anything on their own, they were afraid of most things and especially of other kids at the school. To get to the school cafeteria, they had to walk in line, etc. I removed ALL of the safety nets, opened up ALL of the doors, invited ALL of the school staff and other students to our class rooms, spent a few months guiding the kids around school for various activities, they all live nearby so I started taking them to school by public buss and tram. Today? Now they are all over the school, they have made tons of new friends, most of them now have keys to their homes, they transport themselves, they laugh, they have made plans for their future and bring tons of good vibes to the entire school. Not to mention new students! They have started dreaming about jobs and family and careers at an age where most other kids don’t have a clue. Starting this fall they even get their own school budget for pencils and books and such as there is no point in us telling them what they need, they already know that themselves! . What did we add to our daily work to accomplish this? Nothing, we stopped doing things! We now in fact have much more time to do creative and “crazy” things with these kids. Like travel to Spain, USA, China and Belarus. Something that would have been completely impossible just two years ago.
Freedom!
Iam all for free range. I watch out my window as kids are picked up at the bus stop by their mom’s when they get home from summer school (daycare for 6-13 year olds). It is bad enough that the school puts kids on buses and drives them a 1/2 mile up the street, but for parents to meet kids at the stop and drive them home 1 block in a suv with their little brothers and sisters (most of the time still babys), then they get there kids in the house and keep them there until it is time for summer school the next day. When I was there age(now just 16) I lived in Des Moines,IA where I had free range of the aera of over 400 houses plus my emel school. From age 6 mom told me to grab my bike and go play, some times this ment riding little more than yesterday, somtimes this ment just up the street, and somtimes riding alone all afternoon til it was almost dark. When we moved down to Kansas City,MO in 4th grade (I was 9 and it was on halloween) I saw a lot of kids getting candy, next day mom took me to enroll in school they said I had to get a shot before I could go to school. Two weeks later I finally got the shot and whent to school, it was different from my old school everyone was white like me. They only had one playground and only let one grade have ressce at a time when it was over we had to line up so they could count us. After about a month we had a drill they came over the loud speaker and said “lock down” before I knew it the teacher had the lights off blinds shut and all the kids were hiding ware we hung up are coats, so I got up from my desk and hid with them about 5 min later we heard all clear over the P.A. system so every one got up and sat at there desk . After all of that i sat down and asked the girl next to me what that was all about. She looked at me like I was stupid and said “we were practing for when a man with a gun brakes into the school”. So when I got home I told my mom about that day, before I knew it she was on the phone to ask them why I was not told about the drills, being from a state ware they don’t do that. Next day my teacher said she was sorry and forgot that in IOWA we don’t lock down drills. I had no more problems. NEXT YEAR WHEN I CROSSED THE STREET. It was early moring no crossing gaurd yet so instead of turning left at the end of my street I stop looked both ways and crossed the street (not a big deal for me had done it all summer to go to the school play ground), however as I walked down the sidewalk in front of the school the busy body office lady came outside and when I got up to the school told me I was in trouble for crossing the street alone. They gave me moring detintion which ment I had to come to school 1 hour early to sit in the office.They showed us the body changing flim, good choice I think. THEN CAME SUMMER so free but so quik playing in the woods by the park riding all over a good 800 plus house area lighting firework with friends but without adult help. going up to the mega market just because somtimes staying out til mid night with friends (and moms okay), and of corse taking my 2 dogs for walks miles on end. Then coming home to do my laundry and mow the grass.THEN CAME MIDDLE SCHOOL which was more freedom. walking around in the halls, having a locker, and of course cute boys from orther schools. THEN IN 7th GRADE I SKIPED SCHOOL FOR 1 DAY. Told mom i was sick from week before and stayed home but she didn’t call school and tell them so the princapal put me in ISS (IN SCHOOL SUPENCEION) pretty much kids in a room doing school work all day even eating lunch in there after two days I had all my school work done so on finally day I read two long books. then in eight grade my moms job ment we whent down to Coliumbal,MO (collage town Missouri State and all) but after 5 months of travel my mom let me stay for a week at a time alone in Kansas City,MO (JUST HAVING TURNED 13). She left me with cell phone, laptop, cable, pizza/chinese money, and two weeks worth of food and my dogs, cats, and bird she said mow grass once week and don’t answer door to anyone. I never burnt down the house or even hurt myself. If someone saw me and asked were my mom was I just said she was out for a few hours. Here I am today Having just moved to a new town mom she is getting ready to leave for Batton Ruge,LA for two weeks at a time, next week not at all worried about me as long as I call ever 6 hours.
I love this site. I read it periodically just to stay encouraged on the free range movement. I wanted to report to you all, that my daughter’s father and I allowed her to fly (on a commercial airplane) home from Detroit to Atlanta. My daughter is a very smart and confident 5 y/o. My work colleagues thought I was nuts, some of them have never spent even one night away from thier children. My daughter had spent 3 whole weeks with her grandparents, enjoying a new city and meeting new extended family. She had a total blast and she came home even more confident than when she left. I will admit it was not my first choice for her to fly alone but the tickets were expensive and we could not afford to fly up there to get her, just to return home. We made the executive decision and she did great. We are SUPER proud of her. She is learning to fend for herself a bit at a time. Oh yes, I thought it was so funny and cute that while on the plane she ordered a Sprite to drink. We don’t drink soda at all at home but she had the presence of mind to get herself a Sprite b/c that is what she wanted. Now, that’s my girl!!!
I live in Detroit. Many of you may have heard of the “gritty/mean” streets of urban America. Likewise I have heard of the almost utopian society of suburbia. (LOL) Then to my surprise I stumble upon this website where suburban parents are grappled w/ fear and/or guilt over allowing thier children to walk to school. I always thought that was the point of moving to the burbs. To be so close to parks and schools that children wandered freely throughout thier homogenous neighborhoods. Yet I find that all of us-regardless of race or economics are struggling to balance our duty to protect our children w/ our duty to raise self-sufficient children. I have a 9 year old daughter who rides her bike alone throughout our diverse neighborhood. My neighborhood is filled w/every kind of person imaginable. We have church folk, regular working folk, rich folk, winos and hookers.She is enjoying her summer of newfound freedom. I don’t want her to grow up being afraid of other humans.
I love this “new” concept of free-range children. Years ago we wouldn’t have even thought childhood would ever be anything different.
I grew up in a very small post-WWII suburb of Minneapolis where I and my siblings were encouraged to “go out and play” all the time. We biked everywhere, got involved in scouts, delivered newspapers, roamed all over town with friends.
Summers and holiday vacations were even more fun: We’d take turns staying with Grandma in the city, where we’d bike, ride the bus and walk all over town. We learned that city inside and out. To this day (I’m 53), I thrive on being an urban nomad: finding obscure spots in the city; biking, walking, bussing all over town.
Here’s the thing: I never panic over the thought that I might be lost because I learned to experience travel as an adventure, not necessarily a destination. I ALWAYS see and appreciate new things I’ve never noticed before.
I raised my two (now grown) sons to be independent this way too, knowing that I survived (and thrived on!) the experience of wandering aimlessly.
I’ve run into very few potentially dangerous situations, but know 2 things: 1. I’d be bored to death if I were half as afraid as a lot of people I know. 2. When my number’s up, my number’s up. I’d hate to fear dying so much that it would keep me from really enjoying life.
I believe in free range children. My 5 year old has and knows the limits where he can ride his trike, but within those limits he is free to go where he goes. I can see him if I go outside. He is constantly having other adults tell him that he is too far from home! It’s annoying to him because he’s not supposed to talk to people he doesn’t know. It’s annoying to me because he is NOT too far from home. Most of the people who tell him so are grandparents who probably walked to the store to buy food when they were his age. So irritating!
Here is a REALLY GOOD article about the big picture of unsupervised, unstructured play for kids and what it means for the future of our planet …
“The Death and Life of American Imagination: How a generation is squandering its most critical resource”
http://www.rakemag.com/reporting/features/death-and-life-american-imagination
This is where I started being fascinated with the concept of free play for kids.
i’m not a parent, i’m 17 and far from it!
but i totally agree, i have 5 other siblings, so in our house, there just wasnt enough time to worry or mollycoddle all of us, and i think its ridiculous. i have friends my age, whos parents STILL instist on driving them into the town center, if they have no-one to catch the bus with, and demand to know where and what there doing if they go out for a night. a year from adults and still, under bubble wrap by there parents.
i enjoyed my childhood, and because i was allowed to roam the streets and do what i wanted (within reason) i enjoyed it so much, i wanted it to last forever. the reason kids are wanting to grow up so fast is because thats the only way they’re gonna be able to get out and do what they want!
like i said, at age 17, and i still LOVE dressing up for halloween.
so i AM a free range kid, and i’m totally world wise, and ready to go out and make something of myself, i know my limits, i can fend for my self, and i’m not stupid. i happy to say i know myself, what i like and what i want, which cant be said for some other people my age.
Dawn said:
“I understand that you probably don’t want your children to grow up afraid and not able to survive as independent adults. On the other hand, I think you’re also teaching them that there is nothing to fear and that isn’t correct. It’s survival of the fittest and if they don’t know who/what the enemy is, how will they avoid it? There are many, many dangers to protect them from and it does take work – that’s what parenting is. If you want them to run wild and stay out of your hair, you shouldn’t have had them.”
I completely disagree. I am NOT teaching my children that there is nothing to fear. I AM teaching my children what the enemy is, how to look for it, and how to protect themselves. I absolutely do not want my children to run wild. I want them to be responsible, respectful, reliable, SELF RELIANT adults when the time comes. And that means teaching them NOW to make choices all by themselves.
Those two girls in Oklahoma is not proof that free-range parenting doesn’t work. It’s proof that we live in a sick world full of sick individuals – and try as you might – you can’t protect your children from everything, all of the time. I understand the knee-jerk reaction to never let your children out of your sight again, but the fact is that even if they had been accompanied by their mother while taking a walk – the same thing may very well have happened to the three of them.
Comment to ayoungone:
Recently I flew home from Chicago to Atlanta and found myself sitting beside an unaccompanied 13 year old. Nice girl, very bright. Seemed quite self assured and mature.
The plane had a mechanical problem that resulted in us waiting 45 minutes to leave. Then we went out to the runway but weather issues required us to return to the gate. Once that cleared, there were clearance issues. Long story short, we were on that plane over 4 hours before takeoff.
As the hours passed, this girl became more frantic and upset. I was able to help her and calm her but who can rely on the kindness of strangers nowadays? She did not have the life experience to handle this situation. And what if the flight was ultimately cancelled? Would she have known what to do then?
Everything may have been fine if it’s smooth sailing, but too many things can go wrong in this situation to rely on a 5 year old’s judgement. I was unaware the airlines would even permit a 5 year old to fly unaccompanied. And let’s not even discuss the fact that navigating Hartfield-Jackson Airport is difficult for adults, let alone kids.
I’m glad everything worked out for your daughter.
Wow – great blog and great concept.
I strongly favor encouraging independence and competence in children. My parents were quite over-protective, and this was in the ’60s. True, I was an only child; they were older than average and knew they couldn’t have another to replace me if something happened. But I got way too many “cautions” about getting kidnapped, molested, and murdered. It made me very timid, growing up with a sense of myself as being fragile. I didn’t leave home until I was 22, and got married very soon afterward, having internalized my parents’ idea that I needed to be taken care of and protected.
My son is now nearly 19; he has lived on his own since before he was 18. This was, unfortunately, due to the fact that he did not like living under the same roof as his stepfather, but he would not have been able to even think about such a thing if he had not been encouraged over the years to take some risks and think for himself. I started teaching him how to drive when he was 11. He took his first flight from Atlanta to Florida as an unaccompanied minor at the age of 4. The airline didn’t like it and insisted that he be escorted back home, but his grandmother was waiting for him in Florida; he did fine. We lived in NYC for awhile when he was 10 and he was taking the subway back and forth from Manhattan to Queens whenever he needed to meet me. Again, it was no big deal.
I have no patience with friends and co-workers who brag about how vigilant they are, keeping an eye on their kids “every single second.” How boring. How monotonous. How oppressive.
But then, that’s just us.
Thanks,
Tennessee Mom
I grew up in Lappland and was allowed to travel alone by train to Stockholm from I was six.
My parents knew that I of course would talk with a lot of people but choose to give me trust and space to take own responsabillity.
When my own son grew up the world was different, but I allowed him to travel by subway from he was nine.
Our children are little grow-ups-to-be, and they do have a brain of their own.
Keeping them under supervision 24/7 will teach them fear!
Best regards from Sweden
We caught much flak for giving our 12-year-old a cell phone, but we though it was a necessary accoutrement, given that he was commuting daily (albeit with a friend) to his yeshiva from Suffolk County, via the Long Island Railroad, and was changing trains at Jamaica to boot. We had taken into account all of the negative downsides the rabbis warned us about, but decided that, in light of the LIRR’s track record (pun intended), there likely would be, at the absolute very least, one occasion where our son would need to contact us promptly and efficiently.
That day was September 11th, 2001! Our son’s cell phone was one of the comparatively few in the vicinity that was operational, being through a Long Island-based service instead of a cell phone service based upon the antennae that had been mounted atop the World Trade Center towers. Accordingly, we were able to maintain communication with our son while getting him safely home.
Since that time, he has done an Outward Bound expedition in Canada, and, more recently, spent a year away abroad before starting college. More importantly, he is a confident and competent young man who can make his way about without micromanagement from his parents.
So yes, we do support your decision to let Izzy do the subway ride alone.
Okay, I grew up free to roam, so long as I told my parents who, what, where, when, why. They trusted me because I was trustworthy. I played flashlight tag after dark with the neighbor kids. I was home alone all summer long from the age of **gasp** 9 on. I worked in my parents 1-acre yard (I loved gardening even then), helped out with household chores, taught myself how to bake apple pie using the apples on our trees, took the bus to the library, rode bikes with my friends to the drugstore for candy, etc…
Now that I am a mom, I have adjusted my opinion as to what level of parental supervision is required. First of all, I grew up in a next-to-nothing crime-rate environment. Idyllic doesn’t begin to describe how safe it was.
I now live in an area where we daily see border patrol helicopters monitoring the desert floor. Children are snatched so often that it doesn’t make headline news. My husband’s line of work has given him insight into JUST HOW BAD it is out there. We do NOT live in a safe society people. The neighborhood you live in is NO guarantee of safety. You can’t buy safety. Don’t get me wrong…our neighborhood is beautiful, but it is also 1 mile from the onramp to a major freeway to nowheresville desert…my beautiful little daughters get snatched, and they are GONE BABY GONE.
I’m not overprotective when I am at the playground with them…they fall, I let them dust themselves off. I don’t hold their hand when they go down the slide. They ride their bikes on our sidewalks (the neighbors are way too fast, play with the neighbor kids, but I’m on the front porch with my cup of coffee and book. And everyone who drives by can see that I am there. This is not being a hoverparent — this is being responsible.
So I guess I’m 50/50 on this topic…be protective on the big stuff, but HANDS OFF on the little stuff — let your kids pinch their fingers in a carabiner (ha ha, I laughed at that post above), let them get scrapes and bruises playing on the playground, let them learn by doing.
Excellent response to Dawn (by Mindy).
Also loved Linda’s axiom ” When my number’s up, my number’s up. I’d hate to fear dying so much that it would keep me from really enjoying life.”
And Volly’s: “I have no patience with friends and co-workers who brag about how vigilant they are, keeping an eye on their kids “every single second.” How boring. How monotonous. How oppressive.”
People like you have given me faith that society may actually turn itself around and realize that it is impossible to protect against every potential negative action. Hopefully kids (and parents) will know to be able to analyse situations and make appropriate decisions to mitigate dangers, and be prepared to deal with the the unprevented ones. Maybe common sense and critical thinking will make a comeback in this hyper-regulated, legislated and regimented (i.e “oppressive”) society.
I had no idea this was a movement… COUNT ME IN. I’m so tired of laws that try to keep me safe, when I know how to think and read for myself.
Just fodder for the lawyers…
Couldn’t be more FOR. Thanks for articulating what I’ve long believed.
Case in point: I was raised in a household with guns – lots of them. My father was a gunsmith by trade, and my wife continues to be horrified that I owned my first rifle at age 5, and by 6th grade had quite an aresenal.
Today, I’m not a gun kook – haven’t shot in years. But what I learned from my dad (and his dad too) was an intense respect for firearms, and a whole lot of incredibly practical safety. I was and am much the better for it. Even as a kid, I knew VERY well what to do if I ever came in contact with a gun, how to disarm it (permanently if need be), and how to keep my friends safe too.
Anyway, it’s a rather extreme illustration, and I know it’s not for everyone, but it illustrates the principle that a little freedom coupled with wise parental oversight is a powerful thing. Thanks for the blog. I’m sending it to lots of friends and saying “toldya so.”
Couldn’t agree more with Rob “that a little freedom coupled with wise parental oversight is a powerful thing.”.
I too grew up with guns and although I haven’t been around them for years, I appreciate the knowledge gained ‘way back when’.
At the park a few days ago, the mother sitting near me on a bench at the playground shouted to her three-year-old, “Don’t run honey, you’ll fall.” I actually turned to look at her because I thought for sure she was just joking, but no…she was completely serious. Don’t run? On a playground? That’s when I realized that as a society, we have gone WAY too far. Our want to protect our children from EVERYTHING is also going to protect them from being able to deal with ANYTHING. As a mom of a five-year-old and a four-year-old, I worry about my kids’ safety and I occassionally have panicky moments when they are out of sight in public places just like everyone else, but I also know that I have to let go of the reigns little by little so they can grow independent from me over time. And I’m not just talking about doing things by themselves either. We are scared to let our children FAIL at anything, too. I allow my daughter to go into stores by herself in the mall to pick out and buy items for herself with her own money while I wait outside. Will she have enough money for what she wants? I don’t know, but she’ll figure it out. Will the sales clerks be kind and patient with her? Most likely, but there are mean people out there–she’ll have to deal with all kinds of people in her life. Will she come out in tears because she’s confused or something didn’t go right? Possibly. At that point, I’ll step in. But I have to give her the chance. If she fails, then she fails, and I’ll provide her with ways to deal with this failure. When my children do something very mature and independent, people are amazed (just like the above mentioned scenario) They can’t believe my children are so “smart.” Honestly, my children are not any smarter than anyone else’s children. They just have been given little opportunities to become self-sufficient, and they are proud of themselves when they do something without their parents hovering and guiding them. If more children were provided the opportunities to be independent and free from constant parental control, they too would learn to act “smart” and in control of their own selves. I applaud Lenore on allowing her son to ride the subway. I’m sure her son was very proud of himself and I’m also sure that such experiences will serve him well in the future. If he does ever have to deal with a difficult situation that requires him to act for himself he will be confident and able enough to do so.
I just ran into one of the helicopter parents. I was waiting for our public transport, and, as usual, she asked me what my son was ‘doing’ this summer. As usual, I answered, ‘relaxing’.
So I bit. I asked her what her daughter, who is the 16 – 2 years older than my son, was ‘doing’ this summer; and the response amazed me.
Tennis camp; volleyball camp; swim meets; babysitting. Then, proudly she said, ‘she calls me at least 10x a day to let me know where she is.’
Dang! When I was 16, I was working in a restaurant on the weekend nights; going swimming and playing golf. I would let my mom know my plans if I was leaving and when I was expected to come home. I was driving and working out my own schedule.
She said that her daughter pleaded with her, for her to allow her to go to a midnight show, and instead of ALLOWING the girl’s friend to drive her home at 2:30am; she got UP and picked her up – because the kids would be tired, and who knows WHAT would happen, they’d probably end up in a ditch!
Wow. My son is 14, he stays at home alone during contract days and vacation days. He tells me his plans, if he is leaving the house- such as ‘I am going to go and see XXX movie tomorrow afternoon.’ NO, he doesn’t have to call me when he leaves the house or when he comes home.
I have raised him to be a responsible youth, and I expect no less out of him. Unreal.
Of course, her daughter has a cell phone that she uses to call mommie to make sure that she is safe.
(We live in a small town of less than 10,000 people). How is this little girl going to navigate adulthood without mommie right there!
I am completely for free range… I have a 14 year old daughter that I used to let loose in the fenced backyard to explore when she was 2. She loved it, she discovered so many things on her own. I sent her away to camp when she was 7 for 4 weeks. She was fine. I am proud t say that now she is an independent minded young women who can say NO when she wants to. I believe I helped give her the skills to be independent and have the self awareness to be herself in spite of what she is confronted with.
Halleujuah Free Range… you are my new BFF.
I am emphatically FOR! I have an adult friend (in her 40’s) who is terrified of everything. As a child she was supervised from morning to night, accompanied by her mother any time she wasn’t in school, scolded for any hint of independence and free-thinking, and rewarded for obedience and docility. She has a good job and does well at it, but every change is a life-threatening event that requires hand-holding from friends and co-workers, until she is certain that she has the new “rules” firmly in her mind and will do everything “right.” Every attempt I’ve made to push her out into the real world has failed–it’s too late for her now. She’s probably an extreme case, but I’m betting there are going to be a lot more like her in a few years. It’s time to start letting our children grow up.
I really worry about this generation of kids and how they will fare when as adults in the real world when the time comes. Besides instilling a paralyzing fear of the outside word into them, their parents micromanage every aspect of their lives: they aren’t allowed to figure out anything for themselves, and they therefore remain dependent, fearful, clinging, narcissistic children instead of growing into resourceful, socially adjusted adults.
I am probably an extreme example of a free-range child, at least by middle-class standards and certainly by today’s standards, as I grew up in another time–the late ’60’s and early ’70’s ( I was born in 1960, moved here from Paris in “67). At ten, I rode the city bus to school in Clinton Hill, accompanied only by a classmate neighbor. I had been riding in for two years accompanied by our au pair so it was hardly an unknown routine, the trickier bit was the high crime in the surrounding neighborhoods. I once accidentally rode the bus too far and got off in Bed-Stuy, and figured out how to get back—not without some tears and fear, but without mishap, and I learned some self-reliance, some street-smarts, and some people skills. There were other incidents, certainly, over the years. Some were very, very bad and scary, but there were more good incidents than otherwise and I would not trade my upbringing for a sheltered one.
My brother feels otherwise. He experienced a very scary incident when a stranger pretending to be a friend of our parents’ came up to him and said he was there to pick him up, the au pair was late and came running in just in time to see my brother leaving with this guy, the au pair started yelling and the guy ran off. Who knows what could have happened, it’s awful, but it has given him such a fear that he is raising his children in the leafy suburbs under the illusion that he is keeping them safe there. They are such cautious parents that, for example, the kids are not allowed to eat anything at all when the parents aren’t at home, for fear they might choke on it. Even with a babysitter there. The oldest is sixteen, the youngest is nine. (!) Fear, fear, fear.
Most parents I know are stiflingly cautious, and yet of course with the best intentions. The hardest thing is letting go, seeing your kids as independent of you and letting them try things. I was talking to a contemporary about how a generation ago we travelled the city unsupervised from ten or so onwards, and how now teenagers aren’t permitted to ride the subway (much less the cars of friends with recent licenses!). Her response? “Yes, but it’s so much more dangerous now.”
I was taken aback. I pointed out how much crime rates had decreased since that time, and the kinds of things that used to go on on the streets that weren’t exactly crimes but were scrapes and close calls, that we don’t see anymore. She had to agree, it is irrefutable, and when we discussed it we concluded that we talk about these crimes more—though I would use the word “obsess.” This of course wouldn’t change her parenting style, and I am convinced that the fearful parents of today are unwilling to look at the facts, preferring to focus on feelings.
Look, it was a completely different time—I know that by today’s standards, the upbringing I and my peers received was criminally neglectful. However, I am grateful for the confidence, skills, and education a city upbringing gave me, grateful that I was exposed to many kinds of people and situations, grateful that I learned to think on my feet, and I now still live in Brooklyn (though not in the now-thoroughly-affluent Heights), not being scarred enough to flee for some fortress of mediocrity in the ‘burbs.
That being said, even city parents—who chose the city for the well-rounded environment it would give their children—stop short of allowing them to experience their surroundings, so that they create a suburbia of the mind, where their children are living in the equivalent of a gated community.
To my mind this goes hand in hand with the tendency to micro-manage every moment of children’s time, to interfere with every activity and experience their children undergo, all in a well-intentioned mother-hen way that will end up undermining their children’s ability to function as adults. One wonders if these child-obsessed parents are fostering the dependency so that they won’t have to feel the post-partum blues when their kids fly the nest—those insecure, clingy children who call their mothers ten times a day and have never had an idle afternoon without every activity planned—-those children will always be children, dependent on those parents, and will never fully flee the nest. To their own detriment. In this way the fear factor in child-rearing is selfish, as it undermines these kids’ ability to fend for themselves.
Congratulations on raising a free-range child. The bumps and bruises of life are necessary steps to adulthood, they teach us confidence, how to avoid and deal with bumps and bruises in the future, and how to solve problems for ourselves. Free time is creative time, a child who spends an hour watching a spider or just playing an unstructured unsupervised game is using his or her brain and developing the ability to imagine. I shudder to think what the caged children( the non-free range, that is) will be like as adults.
Sorry to go on so long, it is amazing how this subject resonates with all of us, pro and con. You sure have touched a nerve.
Wow, I started reading through the site here about two months ago. All I can say is “Right On!” and “Thank God!” I am a firm believer in the free-range philosophy raising children. If you do not allow your children to take small risks (walking to a friends house by themselves, ect.), how can they develope any sense of accomplisment? Without risk…there can be no reward. I fully understand that this concept can be obsessively frightening to some parents. I am the parent of a 10 month old, and every time she pulls herself up and sways back and forth to find her balance I have to force myself not to steady her. Letting her find her balance on her own is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but if I don’t….if I steady her every time she stands, then she will never stand on her own. I know that my situation is very simple for now, and that there are many more situations (probably much more scary) that I will face with my child and I hope that I will make the same decision. I hope that I will be strong enough to let my child grow through experience. I think THAT is our primary job as parents…helping our kids learn to stand on their own.
I am SO glad that I found this website.
I guess that it depends upon what your end-goal is for your child.
Mine is to raise an independent person who will bring value to our society.
I figure that it was my job to keep him safe from age 1-12 and then from 13-18 it is his job to learn how to keep himself safe.
To get to that end, I have been giving him more and more independence from about age 8.
It is funny — people say that he is so mature, he is so independent – that I am so ‘lucky’.
Sorry folks, that has been my plan. I don’t want my son dependent on me; I want him to sail off to college and make his OWN journey into life.
I remember how EXCITED I was when my mom dropped me off at the dorm back in Sept 1975. What a freaking ADVENTURE I was going to have! I was venturing out into a world and I was going to make my life my own – and yah, there were alot of bumps in the road of my life; but I managed all of them.
So sad that all these kids are destined to live in their parent’s basements, getting free food. How do you learn the value of ANYTHING if you don’t work for it?
Argh. Well, I am off to the salt mines, speaking of working for a living.
I was a free range kid growing up, I will not let my kids grow up the same way. I am not saying lock your kids up in a padded house. I just want all of you to be aware of your surroundings, know your neighbors, be in tune with your children. Numerous bad things have happened to me growing up, here are SOME examples: I had been chased by people with knives. I have been raped. I had been molested. I have been followed by cars with strangers trying to lure me in, on the way to school. I have been offered drugs, and because I was scared for my life if I didn’t take them, I took them. I have had the crap beaten out of me. And so on and so on. And that is just what happened to me, there is a crap load that had happened to my brother too. Sounds like we hung around rough areas, we didn’t. If my parents were more watchful and aware of our whereabouts and concerned for our safety by enforcing boundaries, etc., none of that crap would have happened. Personally, I call free range parenting, lazy parenting.
I am glad nothing happened to any of you free range parents, I hope you are lucky and nothing happens to your children.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to agree with the anonymous poster here and say that SOME of this “free range” talking is all about LAZY parenting.
I grew up “free range” and so did my husband, but we have to be REALISTIC and look at the world around us —TODAY.
Not all of us live in the country anymore. We live in towns that have CURFEWS. As a homeschooling family, I keep my children busy with lots of field trips, sports, and volunteering. As they grow older, they acquire bigger responsibilities — working at the library on summer programs, employment, etc.
It isn’t poor parenting to expect your kids home before midnight, nor is it POOR parenting to insist on knowing where and what our kids are doing. This is called PARENTING. It is a SHAME when we call PARENTING, “helicopter patrol…”
Yes, I agree the media HAS become hysterical about safety and due to the Internet/technology, EVERY crime that happens feels closer to home, BUT, this does not warrant any reasons for people to criticize those of us who actually PARENT our kids!
I’m totally against LATCH KEY parenting, and I’m against placing my kids in daycare for someone else to raise them. PARENTING is our God given responsibility and if WE don’t raise our own kids, the government will — it’s called, IT TAKES A VILLAGE.
And believe me — the government DOES want to PARENT YOUR kids… Just like they want to leave Parents out of the KNOW so our kids can seek abortions, sex ed, and everything else under the sun.
So, let’s not go to the extreme with this “FREE RANGE” thing. Nobody’s against our kids learning/practicing INDEPENDENCE… That’s all COMMON SENSE.
So don’t bash parents that actually PARENT their kids.
Oh my gosh I am so glad to have found this website! What a relief… I’ve spent 9 years worrying myself sick about every thing imaginable (which is a lot!)
My free range kid story: Our family of 6 was getting in the van to go to some yard sales one Saturday morning at about 6:30 am. My 8 yo was sick and just wanted to lay on the couch and watch Harry Potter. DH and I thought, why not? We live in suburbia, have a home alarm system, smoke detectors, he had the phone next to him and we also left him one of our cell phones ‘just in case’. We told him not to eat anything (he could choke!) and we just figured how many “bad guys” are prowling around at 6:30 am? So we left him home alone. I reported this to my group of mom friends a week later and was verbally admonished. They were shocked at the danger I put my child in, informed it was illegal for an 8yo to be home alone, and asked what would happen if a fire broke out, someone broke in… blah blah blah. I was crushed and hurt by being so harshly judged! We have since allowed him this freedom (which he desperately craves!) of staying home alone a few other times. He loves it and needs it! I just keep my mouth quiet now and don’t let other moms know. But I am ticked off that it’s illegal – where is my freedom to parent how I choose to parent? The world has gone off the deep end! Thank goodness for this site!!!!!
I was raised a free range kid 🙂 I just hope that when I become a parent I too will muster up the courage to allow my children to be independent confident free range children, it may be harder than it looks.
I am SO for the idea of independent children!!! Being a step-mom I often get told, that if they were ‘my own’ I’d feel different. Frankly I think that is insensative. I know plenty of incredible parents that have kids that are not ‘biologically’ their own. I don’t feel its being careless at all, to have faith and disciplined values intrusted in your children. They only know what they see in our lives and what we can teach them, so if you’re paranoid and freaked out about crime or what the latest media is talking about, then your children will grow up to be insecure in unsafe enviroments, which most likely could be they’re own front yard. They can’t filter information or have facts like we do. So why cause them to fear things that may or may not exist. They are people, they need to learn for themselves. It is our job to be smart and teach them, because we’re not ALWAYS going to be there to remind them to wash their hands or eat their dinner.
Until today, I didn’t know I was part of a movement. My two kids have been free range since they could move.
When my daughter was a walking 10 month old, I was sitting in a park with my parents. O started walking away from us, and I was about to jump up and get her. “Sit down”, my Dad said, “She’ll reach her limit and come back.” You know what? She did!
O will be 13 this fall … she walked 3/4 mile to/from school when she was 10, rides her bike 2 miles to the center of our small town, takes the small town bus … this summer we let her go further. With a friend, she took the T into Cambridge (Mass.) and back, just the two girls. I was nervous, but I survived, and so did the girls.
My son is 7, and a bit less responsible than O at that age. Still, he has free range on our street, and in the nearby park. When he was 5, he followed a neighbor and got lost … but got a ride back home with the school librarian.
I’ll routinely leave the kids home alone for a couple hours … they behave better when I’m not home.
I don’t have to worry about other parents, because the parents who live on our street are rearing free range kids too. We let each other know about our kids, and watch out for all of them. I’m glad we found a house here.
Great site. My wife and I have young children and it’s good to know we aren’t the only ones taking the radical approach of raising our children the way we were raised.
Fortunately, we’re on the same wavelength when it comes to letting our children sometimes fail and sometimes take risks while playing. I know other couples where the parents are not in agreement on child freedom and unsupervised outdoor play. It can be a real strain on a marriage. And it’s the parent who defies the conventional modern wisdom about how ‘the world has changed’ who has the toughest row to hoe.
Fact is, North America is not more dangerous for children today than it was 30 or 40 years ago. The incidence of child abducation by strangers is not up. In Canada, it’s as extraordinarily rare an occurrence as it was in 1964.
It’s the dramatic increase in media coverage of each of these extraordinarily race incidents which has inspired today’s mass hysteria over paedophiles and child abduction. Each of those incidents generates 50 or 100 times the coverage today as they did when I was a kid in the 70s. Back then, if a child was abducated in Arkansas, it didn’t lead the nightly news across Canada for several days running. In fact, it probably wouldn’t even make the news.
Childhood would be far happier experience for kids today if more parents understood a simple truth: the increased media coverage of a crime does not mean increased incidence of that crime. The media chooses its stories based on audience ratings, not on any objective standard of importance or likelihood.
And yet when I point out the role of the media in spreading mass hysteria (I used to work for a newspaper), parents get extremely defensive. It seems they need their fear, and need to be protective.
So even once we get past the media’s role in creating mass hysteria, we’re left with a difficult question: why do today’s parents need to be needed much more than parents in previous generations?
I live in NYC, and my son has been running around outside since about 6-7. He is now 12 and still has all the freedom he wants or needs. Granted he is not allowed to ride the subways or leave out neighborhood (which is an island) no heading to the city along (tramway only) but he can go with a friend to the movies, no walking across the bridge into Queens (because we don’t know anyone over there). But is is able to run around from sun up to sun down, he is able to make is own rules, use his own judgment he is in charge of him. With this he has never broken a bone being unsupervised (he always saves the good stuff for mom) he has never had a fight or been in a situation laced with fear. He has always come home with great adventure stories about finding a great spot to build a fort or finding items to make a treehouse.
I am lucky enough to live in a neighborhood where every adult looks out for every child. Kids over here roam around in packs of 5-25 at times. Summers are filled with manhunt games that last until 11pm.
I just watched you on Penn & Teller’s “Bullshit” and just had to write to say that I appreciate your common sense, logical approach to parenting. I think you are doing the entire world and favor by raising well-adjusted kids. I’m not in favor of EVERY woman having children simply because of their biological desire to do so, but if every parent were like you, I don’t think I’d be as opposed to it. Izzy, by the way, is utterly adorable!!
I should add that I am glad you aren’t simply parenting “free range” because it’s easier for you to do so, as some parents will as an excuse to parent less, – nor are you doing so because you believe in backwards “character building” bullying and abuse, E.G. “Why when I was his age, I was plowing the fields with my bare hands!”
No, you are a contemporary parent with the sense to keep “old-fashioned” views that should have never gone out of style.
Crimes happen, and there is a very real danger out there – there’s no denying that. I think it’s important to emphasize for the sake of people who will misunderstand, that you are not playing the odds in hopes nothing bad ever happens to your son, but rather, you aware that they are no less likely to happen to a frightened, unprepared, recluse of a child. He might as well live his life.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I had started to become one of those paranoid parents asking my 3-year old to stay within 10 feet of me at the park. Your article has liberated me. He still needs supervision at 3, but I will supervise at a longer distance without constantly worring about a bad person jumping out of the bushes.
So right on! And has anyone mentioned the part about free range kids are good for free range parents too? It is not just the children who need to learn to be on their own. After years of being a unit, what sort of shock is in store when these kids go to college or get married?
I will post my stories about playing outside, unsupervised for hours, taking the bus and forging my independence and good sense of team play without the benefit of AYSO soccer, but in the meanwhile, for those who are afraid consider this:
‘Urban, suburban, and even rural parents cite a number of everyday reasons why their children spend less time in nature than they themselves did, including disappearing access to natural areas, competition from television and computers, dangerous traffic, more homework, and other pressures. Most of all, parents cite fear of stranger-danger. Conditioned by round-the-clock news coverage, they believe in an epidemic of abductions by strangers, despite evidence that the number of child-snatchings (about a hundred a year) has remained roughly the same for two decades, and that the rates of violent crimes against young people have fallen to well below 1975 levels.’
I am sure someone else posted this but read this article: http://www.orionmagazine.org/index.php/articles/article/240/
To all the naysayers who cite specific examples of how free range kids ended up dead or raped or whatever it may be:
Yes, those are very sad stories indeed, but you’d have to admit that those cases are far and few between, and to screw up an entire generation of children just to save a couple of lives is wrong on so many levels. I won’t even go into how many lives might get ruined in future because oh, a couple hundred million kids never had a decent childhood.
I’m not saying the children who died deserve to die – I’m saying shit happens, but for the greater good of humanity it’s better to have a couple of lost lives than an entire generation of messed up kids.
i am SO for this whole idea. i’m only 24 and don’t have children yet, but i loved running around as a kid. and i also recognize that my parents grew up around lead paint, second-hand smoke, and they’re STILL not dead.
the most repulsive thing to me is that i have friends that say that they will never let their children go to sleepovers because they are afraid they will be molested. a childhood without a single sleepover sounds very sad indeed.
i plan on raising my children with some common sense and letting them free to make their own choices. the only way to grow is to learn from making your own mistakes. the only reason a person should be so overly paranoid about their children is if they lack the confidence that they raised them to know how to make the right choices for themself.
I would like to reccomend a nine minute TED talk delivered by Gever Tulley, titled “Five Dangerous Things You Should Let Your Kids Do”. In it, Gever Tulley promotes his “Tinkering School”. The talk revolves around giving children control of the basic tools they will use throughout their life: light fires and put them out, use knives, throw spears and other things, deconstruct home appliances, break the DMCA and drive a car.
I am for freedom – with communication. I ask my kids to let me know where they are and who they’re with out of respect.
And I totally love that you left *all* the comments, especially the first one that calls you a dumbass. What a commentary on the commenter! lol
If we do not give our children the freedom to experience the real world how can we ever expect them to cope as functioning adolescents or heaven forbid adults.
Yes this needs to be kept reasonable, yes we need to know where they are and what they are doing but i really worry about how many of our younger generation are going to grow up.
I have two daughters, 10 & 13. Both ride the bus to school, both are able to walk or ride to friends houses on the weekends.
I think i’ll be more concerned when they are 18+ and going out with friends to clubs and parties. Hopefully by gaining some basic life skills now they will make sensible decisions as young adults.
Kudos to you! I am all for freedom and allowing our children to be, well, children. Now if we could simply tackle the “trophies” for everyone concept!
I truly believe if you coddle kids you end up with adults who have never really accomplished or achieve anything.
Parent of two babies. Our oldest is a year and a half, and we already send him out to the back yard to play. Free range is the RIGHT way to raise children!
I am the mother of a 4 month old who has been contemplating the various issues of raising an independent child with boundaries, communication, and freedom. I grew up in Los Angeles as the youngest of 6 children to parents (actually, just a paranoid mother) who were uber strict. I never got to do anything. I got good grades, had common sense, and knew my boundaries yet was stifled from enjoying my younger years. I don’t want to do this to my child. Funny thing is, I married a man who grew up in the Bay area in the 70’s also and he had lots of freedom. He would take off on his bike for the whole day and ride around (he explored and figured things out). Heck, he even got to sell seeds door to door when he was 7! I am jealous that his parents gave him the freedom to explore that I didn’t get (for me, I had to sneak around if I wanted to do something – I wished I could have gotten their permission!). I think freedom with communication is important (especially if the child can handle it and parents are aware enough to recognize it!). Thank you for this website. You’re doing a great thing. Thank you for making my day.
Parent of 7 (yes, 7) boys, from 14 down to 2 1/2. My wife and I made a conscious decision *not* to overschedule our children. They can each pick one activity to be involved in, provided it fits into the overall family schedule.
Most of the time, they play. Outside.
The youngest has to have an older brother if he wants to cross our low-traffic street to the park, but other than that, they spend a lot of time playing with each other, exploring, and generally just being kids.
Not sure I’d put them on a subway though.
It’s interesting to look back at the comments. Only the folks who are against “Free-Range Children” are using profanity and calling folks names. None of them have provided a good set of hard facts to rival the facts on the site. It’s all been examples of how irresponsible parents have created hazardous and deadly situations. Free-Range parenting is all about responsible parenting. Yes, you give your children leeway, you give them freedom, but you also give them responsibility and you carefully monitor what they do with the freedom. You build slowly, giving them rope as they need it, and taking it away when needed, too. You’d never let a baby who can’t even walk yet cross the street unattended. But neither would you make the baby crawl until they’re 5. When baby is ready to walk, you let them walk, you give them the freedom and responsibility that they can handle, on a child-by-child basis. Your child may not be ready to ride the subway alone at 9, especially if he grew up in the backwoods of Oregon. But the city kid may not be ready to pack a weeks worth of food in a backpack and set off in the mountains.
I was raised free-range, and my parents would lock me and my brother out of the house on a regular basis. Not once did I ever think that they weren’t available if I needed help, and not once did I really think they weren’t paying attention. They just did it in less obtrusive ways. They had the parents network and they seemed to always know where we were and what we were doing. They also made sure we knew how to get help if we needed. We always had to tell them where we were going. When I was 16, I told my parents that my friend and I were driving to Kansas (I lived in Colorado at the time), and we did. Got the picture to prove it. We discovered that we could travel ourselves and get ourselves places when we wanted to. It helped instill the independance I rely on today.
It’s not about leaving your kids to their own devices, it’s about letting them challenge themselves and find for themselves what works and what doesn’t.
I’m not a parent, but when I am, I fully intend to utilize this parenting method. I will teach my children to ride their bicycles the correct way (as a vehicle, in the street, following traffic rules). I will teach them to climb rocks and mountains. I will teach them first aid and how to read a map. I’ll let them make their mistakes the same way my parents let me make my own mistakes, and I will help them learn life’s lessons from those mistakes.
I see too many parents bringing their kids into the ER where I work because of something stupid. If I’d have gone to the ER for this stuff, I’d have gotten a good lesson from my parents. Skinned knees, coughs, sniffles, scrapes, little things that need a band-aid and a little anti-bacterial ointment. They create long lines for folks with really serious injuries, and they take time and nurse attention away from those serious injuries. Kiss it, make it better, stick a band-aid on it and let them get back out there. If it’s serious, then bring them in.
Way to go, and keep giving your kid more responsibility! He’ll be the better for it.
I thought I was a bad mom because I let my kids do ‘dangerous’ stuff like play in the fenced backyard alone, or drive 1/4 miles in our gated community unbuckled to the pool.
Thanks Lenore. You rock.
http://www.materialmama.com
I have no problem with Lenore’s decision to let her son find his way home. And who knows, there may be some occasion in the future when he’ll unexpectedly have to find his way home on his own. So it is good to get experience.
But I think that the freedoms we can give our children are very much a function of where we live.
I’ve been wondering if I have to move to find a place where I can let my daughter roam more freely.
I am not so worried about pedophiles, but rather my child being run over by a car, truck, or bus.
When I was a kid, we played in the street. We jumped rope, rode bikes, roller skated, rode big wheels, and played tag in the street. And if a car drove too fast through our neighborhood, or failed to stop at the stop sign, they were yelled at by lots of people.
Today, even on quieter side streets we have a problem with speeding and driver inattention. Perhaps one of the most important differences between now and the “good old days” is that roadways have become the exclusive domain of automobiles. Not only have the number and speed of cars increased, but drivers no longer expect to see bikes, pedestrians, or a kid riding her big wheel down the street. I think the expectation to see people in the street makes a huge difference in driver behavior. This is why it is so safe to be a pedestrian in Manhattan, and why it is so perilous to be one in Atlanta, LA, Dallas, etc. etc.
As my child grows up, I hope that she will get to walk to school, ride her bike to her friends’ houses, take transit all by herself, and have lots of exciting parent-free adventures, just as I did. But I don’t think the fear is entirely in our heads. The country has changed. For one thing, we’ve lost our largest and most convenient playgrounds – our streets.
Please keep on raising your children to be free and responsible for themselves. I’ll tell you what happens to these hyper-protected kids when they reach college (I live near a large state university) … they take their new found freedom and immediately spend it on binge drinking and partying.
If they had been given more repsonsibility for themselves earlier in their lives, perhaps they would not think the first reaction to being away from mom and dad for the first time is to get blind stupid drunk.
(Not to mention the helicopter parents who continue to try to micromanage their children’s college careers by talking to professors, supervising homework, etc.)
Keep up the good work!
I chanced across this article and was struck by the asinine comment about ice cream trucks being “hazardous when children run at them.” Absurd!
http://www.wdtn.com/Global/story.asp?S=8862853
When I first read about you letting your 9 year old son ride the subway alone. I thought it was crazy. But it really made me stop and examine my attitudes about letting my 3 and 8 year old daughters have more independence. And it made me realize that I really do want them to be able to go to the park, explore through the forest and down the river, and ride their bikes everywhere when they are ready. Preferably with friends because it’s always more fun to do things with a best friend.
But what really strikes me is the absolute absence of kids outside in the neighbourhood and makes me think how can my girls be safe if they are the only ones out there (my mind quivers a bit and thinks that they are practically walking targets – with bulls-eyes stamped on their backsides – for any crazy people because with such slim pickings any kids out there must be a target – okay I know that’s absolute paranoia but it’s still in my head). So I think that one of the first things we need to get parents to believe is that when the streets, parks, buses, subways are filled with kids (like they used to be), then the kids are safe(r).
Lenore thank you for being so brave and for helping us all see how absolutely crazy paranoid we’ve become.
While I agree with many of your ideals, nobody around here seems willing to admit that the world just isn’t what it was when we were kids. Things are changing for the worse. Kids are bringing guns to school and massacring other kids, for heaven’s sake! There are more cars (and, therefore, careless drivers) on the road than ever before, more pedophiles and sickos, more drugs, more alcohol, more everything.
As much as I appreciate the way I was raised and the freedoms I enjoyed, I would never let my own children do some of the things I was allowed to do. Just like my parents probably did things differently with me than their parents did with them. The world is a changing place. And, as much as we would all like to deny it, it’s simply getting scarier every day. Parents have to be more vigilant than ever before. But, I agree that it can be carried away and it is a matter of balance. EVERYONE needs balance and moderation, along with a healthy dose of common sense.
Growing up in Chicago by 10, I could navigate the buses and trains. I have a 16 yo who does the same thing here in New England but his best friend’s (also 16) Mom refused to let her son take a bus to meet my son 50 miles away… what has the world come to when kids are old enough to drive yet we are scared to let them take public transit.
Anyway I read the piece about you last month and thought bravo, there are sane parents in the world. Glad to see your blog.
In reponse to Steph’s post August 30th.
Here’s an astonishing thought which came to me as I was hovering near sleep this morning – but what if the radical change in the way children are being raised over the past 10 to 15 years is actually a signficant factor in the rise in school shootings/youth violence over the same time period? That the stunted social development and serious social disconnect that young children/teens today are experiencing is because of our hyper obsessive over-protective parenting? Perhaps their anger is primarily about a complete lack of control over their own lives – because they are never allowed to make decisions for themselves. That in our effort to keep them absolutely 100% safe by not letting them do anything we are actually the main source of the problem?!
Has anyone studied this possibility? Are there any psychologists out there reading this who could provide insight/reference to research.
If it’s true, then this could be the most persuasive argument we can find for getting the general populance to give their kids the freedom to grow independently…
When I went to college, I saw overprotected kids who suddenly had tons of freedom, no parents watching them 24/7. So what did they do with this sudden burst of freedom? They got drunk, drove drunk, did drugs, slept around and got into many trouble. They couldn’t handle freedom. Why? Because they were never TAUGHT how to handle freedom growing up.
My parents started giving me small doses of freedom when Io was young. Then as I got older and earned their trust, they gave me more. When I broke their trust, they took away my freedom to do things and I had to earn back their trust. This made me appreciate this freedom and learn about being responsible with my freedom. It made me learn that freedom wasn’t a right, it was a responsibility and I had to make wise choices for myself, because my parents cannot always be there with me 24/7 (and neither did they want to be).
To parents who think that they are being good to their kids be over protecting them, I plead with you to open your hearts and see what damage you’re doing to your kids.
Jacquie,
While you raise an interesting issue, I think it’s a bit of a stretch to blame the degradation of modern society on over-protective parents.
But I do think that while many parents might be focusing all their time and efforts on sheltering their children from physical harm, they are completely ignoring other things that might be causing emotional damage…divorce, parents that drink heavily, parents that are work-a-holics, etc….not to mention the violence and sex that kids are exposed to on TV and the internet nowadays.
And, of course, if you’re a Christian, you know that this world will only get worse before it gets better.
No, I think that if the biggest problem in society was parents being over-protective, we’d have a pretty darn good society.
I have a daughter who will turn 9 next month. She was the victim of a devious 12 year old boy when she was only 5 years old. The worst thing was that it was my soon to be step-son. He had taken pictures of her naked and then was found in the closet with her pants down. Needless to say, I have had a lot of difficulty not being too overprotective. I got a divorce and the people that were in her life before, that hurt her, are no longer around. We moved back to my old hometown which is a small community that I remember always feeling safe in. She has adjusted great and seems to really be happy and carefree. I now find myself trying to remember at what age I was allowed to ride my bike around the block, ride it to school, ride up to the local grocery store, etc. Part of me wants to give her that freedom but the other part worries that because I have been so protective of her that she won’t know how to handle a situation if it arises. It has been hard for me to just let her play outside with all the boys around the neighborhood that are her age. There are other girls that play also but I am constantly worried about her being hurt again.
She just started the 4th grade and is asking to ride her bike to school which is a mile away on the other side of our small town. Really not that far, I rode mine all the time, just can’t remember at what age. I just let her start going to a boy’s house a couple of houses down from ours as long as she stays outside. I did meet this boy’s mother and she seems okay. Now the two of them want to ride to school together. I just don’t know how I feel about it still. Any thoughts from anyone?
I found your blog through a friend on twitter (@phatmommy), who tweeted your LA Times Ed Op piece from May. I’m 41 years old, a Southern CA native and now mother of a fearless two year old daughter. I enjoyed your LA Times piece & I’m thrilled to find this blog!
I wish more than anything that my daughter could have 1/2 the experiences that I did growing up in CA in the 70’s. Running barefoot (yes, we stubbed our toes and stepped on nails). Climbing trees, riding our bikes without helmets, piling into our parents heavy steel American made cars for 2 week long road trips without car seats (or even seat belts sometimes), hunting for tadpoles in gutters or park ponds, taking the city bus to the beach BY OURSELVES every day, all summer long. Having limited amounts of television b/c frankly mom wanted us OUTSIDE playing, as long as we were home by dinner time. We walked to the corner to take catch the school bus, mom only walked us down if there was someone that had been bullying the little kids lately. We learned to drive at 15, got our drivers licenses at 16. We also got part time jobs at 16, and baby sat the younger neighborhood kids when we were 12 or 13. No one was afraid we’d be molested (though I’m not saying it didn’t happen), no one was afraid to have the kids playing out front without constant supervision. We took piano lessons, or played AYSO soccer on the weekends, but it wasn’t part of some rigid hectic weekly schedule that our harried mothers adhered to. It was just something fun we did. We didn’t have homework until at least the 3rd or 4th grade. I remember class projects, and animals or other cool science stuff in the classrooms, our teachers seemed to have FUN teaching us. And when we were “bad”, our parents were called into the principals office to discipline us, and they DID.
But you know all this.
All I can do is try, to the best of my ability, to not buy into the Fear Factor that seems to run rampant in the popular parenting style of today. I often am out front bringing in groceries, or watering the lawn, etc. and my kiddo is playing around the yard while I do so. Sometimes, I’ll even run inside to grab something without picking her up to come with me (GASP!). I’m careful to make sure she knows that the street is dangerous (cars!), and that she knows what “No!” and “Stop!” and “Come here now!” mean.
Mostly, I want her to know how wonderful it is to play without structure or direction, to use her imagination, to not be afraid, to enjoy being a kid. She has a LIFETIME ahead of her to be stressed, working 45+ hours a week, sitting in hours of traffic, etc. so why on earth would I want to replicate that in her life right now?
Thanks again,
C ~
@Jasperblu
Jacquie,
I think you’re onto something. I don’t know if psychologists have studied this, but I think it is a great topic.
If indeed research shows a connection between the degree of dependence/protection and the incidence of antisocial behavior as a teen or adult, then this is a strong argument for “free range” parenting.
My own bit of annecdotal evidence…
When I was a kid, there was a boy my age who lived down the street. He had good, loving parents who, unfortunately, were very overprotective. He was not allowed to go outside the chain link fence around his yard. I can still remember him standing behind the fence watching the rest of us ride our bikes and play in the street in front of his house.
When we were six, we both got new baby brothers. His parents must have noticed the ill effects of their parenting style by then (a physically weak, uncoordinated, and socially unskilled child) so they radically changed their style with the younger son. The younger brother was allowed to terrorize the neighborhood with my brother and their buddies.
Throughout their childhoods the elder brother was always far less coordinated, more prone to accidents, remained socially inept, and just wasn’t a very happy kid.
Today, as adults, these differences remain. The elder son is still an unhappy person, while the younger son is a happy, well adjusted adult.
Hi Lenore
I just read your article in Reader’s Digest and it really struck a nerve for me. I grew up on a farm and now my kids are growing up on a farm. I drove tractors, loaders, semis, lawn mowers, pick ups, etc long before (at least 6-8 years before) I earned my drivers license. I spent HOURS outside playing (all by myself) without my mother checking on me – in fact, that’s the way she preferred it. Now my kids are doing the same things – my 7 year old can mow my lawn with our riding lawn mower, my 10 year old can drive a pickup truck, my 12 year old drives tractors, loaders, pickups etc on a regular basis. I send my kids out (together) but still unsupervised by an adult when we are at the State Fair (as long as I know where they’re going). I let my kids explore the local Sam’s Club alone (again together) and tell them to come find me when they’re finished. And you know what? I’m sometimes scared doing these things, but usually not because I’m worried something will happen to my children. I’m more scared of what someone will think of me and my parenting skills. I’m more scared of someone passing judgment on me and saying I’m endangering my kids. My children are not allowed to go willy-nilly into these new experiences – they are taught the correct and safe way to do things before they are let loose. They know (I think) how to be smart and advocate for themselves. And this is how I want my children to experience life – to not be afraid, but rather to be smart and to know the risks. I applaud you for standing up and admitting (!) that you let your children do things and experience things for themselves – and not bowing to the peer pressure among parents to smother our children.
I think it’s great that people are raising kids as they
see fit. But, I must comment on this ” peer pressure”
to smother our children? As a parent, I have never felt
pressure to raise my kids in anyway excpet the way
I want to. Ofcourse, perhaps, I just ignore people trying
to get me to raise my kids their way. I am not a “free
ranger” that’s for sure. I mean I do let my kids try new things and so forth but I do not tell people how to raise their kids. That’s up to each parent. In fact, the closest
thing I am aware of as far as “peer pressure” goes is;
well , this website. I guess I am wondering what is the
difference between “parental peer pressure” to free range or not to free range. Aren’t they both wrong?
Shouldn’t people raise their children how they see fit?
Do the folks on this site and Ms. Skenazy herself really
think they know more about how to raise a particular
child then that child’s parent? I am not trying to cause
trouble. I was just hoping Ms. Skenazy or some other
free range parent would explain how their is a difference there. Thanks alot. As always, best of luck
to everyone with their kids.
Joe,
I definitely agree that parents know their kids best and should decide how to raise them. I don’t think that people here are trying to forcefully change anyone’s parenting. If you’re happy with how it is going, then don’t change a thing.
But I disagree with your “peer pressure” argument. Since, as you say, you’re “not a free ranger,” your parenting style more closely matches the majority style today. When one is in the majority, it is very easy not to realize there is pressure on those who are not in the majority.
The pressure that exists to be “overly protective” can take many forms, some overt and intentional, and some subtle and unintentional. For example, neighbors may threaten to call children’s services. Parents of kids’ friends may forbid their child to play with yours. People may react in horror if you merely suggest walking to school. An article about letting your kid take the subway home alone may spark a firestorm. Also, people just naturally tend to do what they see others around them doing. (If everyone’s doing it, it must be right – I’ll just ignore that nagging feeling I’ve got.)
That nagging feeling. I think that’s what most of us on this site had been experiencing. And Lenore Skenazy finally gave a voice to it. So I think the objective with this site is to reach out to all those with the same nagging feelings so that we realize we’re not crazy and alone in our views. And we might become a little more courageous.
On the other hand, this site could potentially create a reverse peer pressure. I have seen a couple instances on this site where people say “inspired by reading these comments, I let my kid do —- .” I think people need to be careful not to go off the deep end. If it’s not something you’ve taught your kid how to do, it might not be wise to suddenly let them do it.
I believe the biggest reason so many kids are protected is because society has shifted its thought. Kids are considered retards in their ability to solve problems, and in general just think. People assume a two year old will walk off a cliff without thinking and so they constantly guard the edge etc.
It really gets annoying when adults treat me like an infant incapable of reasoning or deep thinking. So many people are amazed when they let their kids go and they see what they can do. Kids are people too, just minus the experience. Depending on how much freedom they got will be just how much experience they have.
Kate,
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I can see where I might not be aware of the “parental peer pressure”
that others might be feeling. I just hope everyone here
is able to ignore such pressure and do what they think is right. I may not agree with those parents but I trust that they know what is best for their kids. Whether they are free range or not. Thanks and good luck.
My husband and I go back and forth and really struggle on what’s safe and what isn’t. It is easy to buy into the fear factor that can be triggered so easily on the internet: no doubt there were kidnappings and child molestation when I was a kid, but my parents didn’t hear about every episode; they only heard local incidents, which were pretty rare. Today it is easy to get the sense that a would-be molester is right around every corner.
On the other hand, there are some dangers that are greater now than when I was a kid (50s-60s). We rode our bikes helmet-free all over the place. But there were many many fewer cars (one per household) and fewer people than now (when the population is 50% greater and the cars are about one per every adult). So I do think that bike riding for my kids is much more dangerous. Heck, it is more dangerous when I ride my bike! And for driving . . . yes, it is more dangerous too because of the additional numbers of vehicles on the road.
I think it is good for this topic to be brought up and discussed. I think there is a middle ground where parents have to have the good judgment and critical thinking skills (and perhaps arithmetical skills) to distinguish real threats from perceived threats.
I agree with Older Mom that many of the dangers today seem worse because we hear a lot more about them.
And that’s exactly what has happened to cycling in America. I disagree that cycling is any more dangerous today than it ever was.
I’ve made a point of teaching my kids good cycling skills.
I have two boys who play outside w/ their neighborhood friends. They ride their bikes (without parents!), build forts, catch frogs in the nearby duck pond, climb trees, play ball, and come in dirty, hungry, tired, and happy. Children learn through play in a way that videogames, televistion, and organized sports cannot match.
All a parent has to do is watch and listen through an open window to appreciate what “free range play” hones — imagination, leadership, working out differences of opinion, respect, humor, and sharing.
As a parent, these are the types of values I want to instill.
As a former free range child myself, I approve of the message that this site promotes. I owe a lot of my independence, courage and confidence to my experiences out in the world with nobody watching over my shoulder. Get this: I’ve never broken a bone in my body. Not once. Sure, I’ve taken a dive from my bike more than a few times. I’ve been sent to the hospital after bailing from it at 30mph. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve been made fun of by friends. I’ve stolen. I’ve been depressed. And you know what? All of it made me who I am today, and I like what I am. I’m successful, independent and ambitious. My parents are proud of me and they’ve always encouraged me to be anything I want. So take that, all you coddling parents.
Completely FOR free range kids!! I was born in 1978 and, thankfully had parents who let us roam free (until dark) throughout my childhood. We walked everywhere alone (or with a friend), played in the woods without supervision and I never remember being afraid or nervous to be alone…My parents even let us stay at home alone for short periods of time, imagine that!! It amazes me that people are so afraid of well, everything…did they forget what it was like to be a kid and want to gain some independence?
Like my mom always said…”I’m not worried, I know I raised good kids.” Maybe all those nervous parents are just afraid they didn’t do a good job teaching their children right from wrong, who knows!
I was raised a free kid, I could walk within 4 neighborhood blocks at the age of 5 and walked myself to and from school at that age and was home alone before and after school, and this was in a ghetto, gang infested neighborhood. at 13 I took the train to school (which was an hour away) and walked through some pretty shady neighborhoods (in a catholic school girl uniform) There were some events on the train that were pretty scary, one event in particular was a man who would sit on the train and expose himself and masturbate while watching us girls. We would move to another train car, find the conductor and tell, but usually the perp was gone by the time the conductor came. This was happening at least once a week. Finally one day when we saw him, only one of us left to get the conductor, and the conductor stopped at the train stop, waited for police, and then opened the train doors so that he could be arrested. I never told my mom about that situation, I didn’t want her to be worried. But I always think, what if he didn’t get caught, what if he followed one of us girls home one day and hurt us? Most of us were street smart and could take care of ourselves, but you just never know. I have 2 kids now (ages 5 and 2) and i’ve raised them to be extremely independent. But they are not allowed to be independent outside where they can be harmed. My daughter can make herself and her little brother breakfast. I will allow them to stay in the house while I do some outside chores and they are fine, they know how to clean up after themselves at meal time and so on. But i’m just not ok with allowing them to run around “free”. As a free kid, I saw what was out there, and I was scared – and i grew up in a tough area – it took a lot to scare me! I just couldn’t imagine exposing my suburban kids to crazy, ugly people in the world.
I am 16 and I completely agree with you. Everyone one is allways looking for the “boogeyman under the bed” anywhere they can. Everyone is allways being pessimistic about life and human nature by saying “the world is getting worse” but really all that is happening to the world is “world wide news” this wasn’t allways around people! World Wide news is a recent development that portrays all the bad that has allways been there. We just didn’t no about it because there wasn’t the Oh-So-Important World Wide news. Evryone needs to take a deep breath, count to ten, and develop a more optomistic view towards life.
YEAHHH!! Finally someone who realizes that the more we stand over our kids and have a fit over everything kids do the more we are stunting their development of common sense.
Lenore,
I saw your segment on Penn & Teller. We live in West Texas our house is near the edge of a cliff, rattlesnakes abound and cactus ad infinitum! While my wife was working on her PhD, I’d take little Max to the Carlsbad Caverns for a weekend to give her study time. She would give us a harness with a leash attached to wear near the “bottomless pit”, “spiral of death” and other cave dangers. We’d take the harness and get a picture near the cave entrance then ditch it and have some fun. (I’d love to post the pix)
At the tender age of 11, a friend and I daytripped to DC by ourselves with no cellphones only leaving behind a rough itinerary. The experience was fantastic and is still fondly remembered 30+ years later just as Izzy describes his feeling of assurance on the subway. Can we get Max and Izzy together for some kid time?
Sincerely,
Mark Lawson
Texas
Me thinks this quote partly explains the problem:
“It is possible, of course, to keep educated people unfree in a state of civilization, but it’s much easier to keep ignorant people unfree in a state of civilization. And it is easiest of all if you can convince the ignorant that they are educated, for you can thus make them collaborators in your disposition of their liberty and property. That is the institutionally assigned task, for all that it may be invisible to those who perform it, of American public education.”
THE GRAVES OF ACADEME-Richard Mitchell
http://www.sourcetext.com/grammarian/graves-of-academe/index.html
of course Dawson on the “Roots of Evil” is a component also, IMHO and for further knowledge consider TheStoryofStuff.com, the YouTube: Chomsky Marr Interview(Cointelpro) and “who controls the kids” and not to mention a woderful covering of the topic on Wikipedia’s HomeSchool entry. h.
I am for FreeRangeKids. My husband is a college professor and we see kids struggling because they went from having almost no freedom to having total freedom. They don’t know how to handle it.
Solo travel is just one of many life skills we need to teach our children.
I allowed my daughter to walk the mile to school in 5th grade when all her friends were being driven by their parents. I walked with her a few times. We discussed being conscious of what was happening around her, what was dangerous, how to protect herself, and where safe houses were if someone was following her. Then, she was on her own.
At 17 and a sophmore in college, she got an internship 8 hours away from home. She very successfully lived totally on her own becuase we had taught her all the skills she needed!
Now she is 29, works in Switzerland, and travels solo many places in the world. She returned a week ago from her latest vacation – a 3 week solo bike trip through Poland, Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. She has spent 4 weeks solo biking through Croatia, a month traveling in India, and hitchiked around Iceland.
I was a latch key kid. My Mom worked 3rd shift and my brother and I had no choice other than to fend for ourselves. I think how free range we allow our children to be should have more to do with the child than with our own fears as parents. I don’t know what situations you got yourself into as a “free range” child, but I got myself into more than my fair share of danger and trouble, more than any preteen or teenaged girl could handle on her own. And before I was ever left alone by my mother, I was left with family members who chose to take advantage of me. Trusting our children to know how to take care of themselves in a world with people who only see children as a means to their own end is not necessarily the smartest thing to do. In fact, it’s pretty thoughtless. There are many other ways you can allow your child to live free w/out sending them directly into potentially harmful situations. And yeah, I turned out just fine, but who knows how much healthier I could be if I were not left to my own, and other’s ill intending, devices before I was emotionally and physically ready? Certain “crimes” are not in the record books….
I was ten year old little girl living in a very nice suburban area in Atlanta in 1976 when my two friends were kidnapped in the woods behind my house where we would play everyday. One was raped, the other drown in the creek. That was over 30 years ago. What you are advocating in one of the world’s largest cities in a country of sexual predators and the like is absolutely unimaginable to me as a parent.
I grew up in Southern California, left for 20 years and returned in 1999. One thing I noticed, besides the millions of new people living there since I left in 1979, were the legions of parents dropping off and picking up their kids at the local schools. I thought maybe it was just me that thought these parents were being way too protective, that I didn’t understand because I’ve never had kids, etc. until I read your article in the Reader’s Digest, it was a breath of fresh air. I’m not naive in thinking that there isn’t any danger associated with this way of thinking, but I believe that a lot more good happens in this world than bad, but that we seldom hear about the good and always hear about the bad.
Some parents just don’t want to let their children go. I personally believe that we need to raise children to become independent. That is the goal. when my oldest son was 17, i let him drive to nyc with his older stepsister for a weekend. then he returned home by himself. I had a mother of a classmate of his come up to me and tell me i was crazy to let him drive 6 hours away to nyc. My son would be 18 in a few months, he could vote, defend the country, go off on his own at that age. She said she wouldn’t let her child drive anywhere over an hour away. My son is very independent now, and has traveled to many countries. I admire his independence.. Children need to know they can do things on their own.. I just wonder if i could find my way home in nyc..
My kids are free range kids. They are ages 10 and 7. They walk to school 1 mile on their own. We live in a gated community with our own 24 security patrol. They ride bikes to the lake. They go fishing. Other parents even in this gated community sometimes think I’m crazy and neglectful, but my job is to raise them to take care of themselves and that’s what I’m doing. I had one mom I thought for sure was thinking I was terrible and she called to tell me she thought I was an inspiration, but that she and her husband were afraid to let their 10 year old daughter walk with mine on the way home from school. My own mom who allowed me to be a free range kid thinks I shouldn’t let the kids walk to school, she says she just was too young and stupid when I was young to know to protect me. It’s discouraging that so many people are stuck in this fear. I myself get worried when the kids are off alone, but I understand I have to work through that and I do.
For the people who talk about kidnappings and other bad things, those can happen anywhere. You can be with your kid in the mall and see them one second and the next gone. I lived by where Morgan Nick was kidnapped and her parents were there with her. Bad stuff happens all the time and to think you can protect your kids from it by watching them 24/7 is insane. It makes them feel like babies and they grow up to be incompetent adults.
See, I see two sides to this:
I understand your point is to try and make kids more independent…but you realize that things do happen, right?
I’m a 24 y.o female in Maryland and I STILL don’t like to ride the bus or subway. I guess I can say that my parents have and still somewhat do baby me, and that does hinder, but at the same time, my older sister didn’t listen to their rules and now she is stuck with a baby in a bad marriage. So, what does that say?? Why kick your kids out with the intent on making them more independent when they end up coming back to you with a bad life themselves???
I believe strongly that you have psychosis. We live in a depraved society that is getting worse everyday, and if you disagree, you live in a world fashioned by a mind that is need of medication and should not be raising children. Even if you think there is a high percentage that your child will come home safely would a normal person take that chance? I have two boys that are my responsibility, to take every possible measure to ensure they grow up without incident. I grew up in the 70s and perhaps that was the thought at the time but things have changed, and who in their right mind would gamble on his/hers childs life. Your children are children only for a short time watch them, care for them, spend time with them, your just giving yourself an excuse to evade your responsibility.
I read the rest of the responses, after I wrote my response and apparently my feelings are the minority not the majority.
Im afraid there is a false sense of security, and they have become lulled to sleep.
(1 Thessalonians 5:6) 6 So, then, let us not sleep on as the rest do, but let us stay awake and keep our senses. . .
Ok, I just got done watching the Dr. Phil show about this topic, and I can definitely see both sides to the issue. I myself was raised during the 1960’s when kids had much more freedom, and my friends and I survived our childhoods without any incidents. My parents always knew where I was for the most part and I had boundaries that I had to honor. BUT…..in today’s society there are so many, many child predators (I am sure they existed in the 60’s, too, just fewer of them perhaps) that no one is ever sure where they are lurking. It only takes a moment for a child to be caught off-guard and then taken. My children were watched closely, but they did have some freedom with in reason. They had boundaries and instructions on what to do if they were approached. There has to be a happy medium somehow. It is a shame that we have to live in fear for our children every day.
Yes, I do, on a regular basis, drop my 13-year old son off at the golf course and don’t come back for hours. YIKES! Actually, he loves the freedom and is excelling at the sport. He can walk the course at his leisure, hit range balls, or practice putting. He is typically joined by another avid golfer friend who is a year younger, and each weekend the dads take turns going to the course to drive the kids for a full round. They have access to the club house where they can rest, watch golf on tv, eat, or clean their clubs. It’s expensive, but our son is an honor student and this is his just reward. My only worry is the wildlife – they have seen snakes before.
Our daughter, on the other hand, is still a kid. She doesn’t like to walk into a store by herself, and is extremely shy. I wouldn’t dream of dropping her off someplace and letting her tend to herself all day – she doesn’t like it when I move on to the next row in the grocery store!
I think “freedom” should be based on the individual child and how secure he or she is. My husband starting asking our kids at about age four, “Can you find your way home from here?” or “Do you know which way to turn at this light?” when we would come home from church or the grocery store. It really opened my eyes to how much my children know, and how much more they need to learn – sometimes on their own.
I’m sure you’ll hear a ton of feedback after your time on Dr. Phil. I’ve said for years we need a “return to the seventies-mothering” allowing our children more freedom in their neighborhoods.
As parents, it is our responsibility to teach our precious children to be confident and intelligent decision makers who can trust their instincts…whether in the midwest or the heart of NYC, it is THEIR neighborhood and they should know how to handle themselves.
While traveling in Europe, I met a young girl on a subway in Amsterdam. She asked me a question in Dutch, French and when I made it clear I didn’t understand she then said in English, “Oh, you’re American?” How wonderful this girl lived in a city in the world, not in a town in a state in a country totally isolated from the rest of our global world.
In my case, I have a daughter diagnosed with cancer at the age of five. She’s doing well, and I would never want to trade the lessons I’ve learned from the experience. Our lives are put in persepective of what is truly important and it is no longer irrational fears of monsters hiding in the shadows. People are generally good and our society needs to stop paranoid dellusions and treat our children like intelligent human beings, not puppies!
I’ve said for years we need a “return to the seventies-mothering” allowing our children more freedom in their neighborhoods.
As parents, it is our responsibility to teach our precious children to be confident and intelligent decision makers who can trust their instincts…whether in the midwest or the heart of NYC, it is THEIR neighborhood and they should know how to handle themselves.
While traveling in Europe, I met a young girl on a subway in Amsterdam. She asked me a question in Dutch, French and when I made it clear I didn’t understand she then said in English, “Oh, you’re American?” How wonderful this girl lived in a city in the world, not in a town in a state in a country totally isolated from the rest of our global world.
In my case, I have a daughter diagnosed with cancer at the age of five. She’s doing well, and I would never want to trade the lessons I’ve learned from the experience. Our lives are put in persepective of what is truly important and it is no longer irrational fears of monsters hiding in the shadows. People are generally good and our society needs to stop paranoid dellusions and treat our children like intelligent human beings, not puppies!
I totally disagree with the whole “subway” issue. We do need to give our children more freedom’s but these freedom’s need to be sensible. Putting a 9 year old on a Subway, alone, is insane!! We need to remember that they are still children and are not as versed in the ways of the world as their parent’s and older counterparts. I agree that age is a definite factor in when you start leaving children alone and giving them more freedoms but let’s be sensible. I’m really speechless at some of these parents. There needs to be a balance of good sense and appropriate freedoms without going overboard in trying to prove a point.
I am all for free range kids. We believe that it is our job to raise kids who are able to make good decisions and be able to fend for themselves. It’s easy to do. Start early by making your little ones go to the McDonalds counter and ask for their ketchup. I was amazed, by the number of people who couldn’t believe that I let my 7 year old go under the bleachers at a high school marching band contest, by herself, to buy a piece of pizza. You still need to monitor your kids, but do it within reason. Rebellion is more dangerous than letting them learn slowly.
As for how I was raised, we went out to play and if our parents needed us to come home, they rang a big brass bell that was on the proch post.
Keep up the good work.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I am 27 y/o mom with a 9 year old and a 5 month old. Not long after I found out i was pregnant, I realize that my older daughter(8 at the time) was VERY dependent! I was appalled that she wouldn’t even go to the bathroom in a resturaunt or store with out an adult! How did I miss this! I remember in great detail walking around stores browsing and it was a PUNISHMENT to have to stay with my mother, usually because I misbehaved in some way. I decided that I better nip this in the bud NOW before the new baby came along…and i DID! She now walks to and from the busstop alone. I have recently had to defend my feelings regarding thisto another parent AND am in the process of again working with with her to not be afraid because another mother decided it was her place to frighten my child by telling her she “shouldn’t be at the bus stop alone” because there are “mashers(child abductors) everywhere”. I also agre with a preivious poster that we are way to afraid of our own children these days! I believe we shelter them wayyy to much and when it comes time for them to be apart of the “real world” they won’t be able to handle it!!!!
I am 100% behind you. Our children are turning such pussy’s. My kids are learning from their mistakes, we guide them and work to help them make good decisions. They earn their independence and so they will do well out in this world. For you helicopter parents you are enslaving your children by not allowing them to learn to navigate this world. I see it all the time when I do recruitment. Parents, layoff and let them grow up
I’m 67 and was a free range kid back when there wasn’t such a term. The world out there is not a dangerous as many insist it is. Teach your kids, [and I have 2 grandsons] as my wife and I taught our daughter and son and guess what – they turned out okay and survived childhood. If you’re a helicopter parent – get a grip – stop smothering your kid[s] and teach them, give them the ability to handle all situations. 3 cheers for Lenore.
I think this is the sanest attitude ever. It’s certainly was how I spent my childhood, free to roam and discover life. We need to stop the paranoia somewhere. If we don’t give the children the self confidence to believe that they can then how can they ever learn that the can.
You rock!!! I am trying to teach my kids (11 and 9) to be competent, self-sufficient and able to make a decision.
That way … when they get to college (or work), they’ll be so far AHEAD of all those children of helicopter parents who don’t move from the TV room to the bathroom without telling Mom whre they are going that they’ll have a huge advantage!
A college freshman can’t focus on studies and the future if managing spending money, making new friends w/ out Mom checking them out, making simple decisions, doing laundry and being alone overnight are skills they’ve never master.
They’ll be so busy trying to figure out how do ‘live’ that they’ll never have time to study and find their future!!
Good for you !! I know that I am trying to raise men. How can I expect them to beable to manage a family some day if I can not trust him at eight to find his way backand forth to school?
Andrea wrote: “I’m a 24 y.o female in Maryland and I STILL don’t like to ride the bus or subway. I guess I can say that my parents have and still somewhat do baby me, and that does hinder, but at the same time, my older sister didn’t listen to their rules and now she is stuck with a baby in a bad marriage. So, what does that say?? Why kick your kids out with the intent on making them more independent when they end up coming back to you with a bad life themselves???”
Letting your kids walk to the store or go shopping by themselves is not pushing them to marriage and babies. There’s a difference between ” giving freedom and learning responsibility” and “making rules”. Perhaps if your sister had varying degress of responsibility given to her in small increments from a young age, she wouldn’t have made the same mistakes. Kids who feel ‘constricted by rules’ often rebel in big ways.
Granted I have no way of knowing if this is your sister’s situation, but it’s something to think about.
Letting kids be kids. What a novel idea! I am the youngest of five, and my 19 year old daughter was a free range kid. My two oldest sisters are helicopter moms, and it’s sad. When my daughter was 13 she flew to Wisconsin by herself to attend her friend’s bat mitzvah. Without me she has been to: Italy twice, Lake Tahoe, NYC, Boston, DC, Colorado and several other places. She attended college in Philadelphia last year. She is aware of her surroundings, knows how to get around town, ask for directions, call for help if necessary and be a responsible adult. I didn’t want her growing up afraid of the world – I want her to ENJOY it! She wants to study abroad in Japan, and I say go for it. My nephew went to Colorado once without his mother and fell to pieces on the plane. He cried every night instead of having a fun adventure. It’s a shame he’s missing out on so much! That’s no way to live! If you want to keep something in a jar, get a frog. If you want to raise a productive member of society, let your kids be free!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
I am a new mother to a 6 month old girl. Though I certainly feel the instinct to protect her, I also want her to grow up in a way that she feels able to explore and see things, independent of me.
We live in a safe neighborhood in a small town. When she gets older, it will be perfectly reasonable for her to ride her bike up the street without me, or wait at the bus stop outside out house without me, etc.
I have long felt like I was literally the only person who feels this way; that I would eventually run the risk of being called a bad mother because I give my daughter some autonomy. Thank you so much for talking about this. Now I know I am not alone!
I was home sick today and saw the taping of the Dr. Phil show, “Extreme Moms.” As soon as you said you had your own website, my curiosity was peaked and I decided to see what other parents said about the issue. I am a well-educated fourteen year old girl. Both of my parents grew up in small towns and they were allowed to ‘roam’ around their towns at their will. In fifth grade, four years ago, my parents allowed me to take the bus home from school and stay at home instead of going to the community center. This way, I could get my homework done and occassionally do some chores. This opened my eyes. Before fifth grade, I was worried that I would be sheltered until I left the house at the age of eighteen. But, my view on that changed when they started trusting me. Like I said, I’m now fourteen. I have a boyfriend that can drive and they trust me enough to let me go to the mall and to the movies and go all these places with me. If I hadn’t shown my ability to make the correct decisions, I wouldn’t have the same freedoms as I do today. I think the only way to test a child’s abilities is to let them have freedoms and see how they react. I love the trust you put in your son when you let him take the subway alone. That makes him THAT much more surrounding-smart. I think you are a wonderful mom-model, especially in today’s society. I think many women overreact when they see the news on TV and they have four murders in Baltimore or they have a kidnapping in Detroit. Believe it or not people, this is rare. Even in the two deadliest cities in America, one which is not too far away from where I live, are safe. But only if you can trust your kid. Thanks so much for opening the eyes of the mothers of this generation! I think you’ve struck alot of people today on Dr. Phil. Keep up the amazing work.
*with him.
I watched dr. phil today and i think that you need to know how mature your child is to determine the freedom they deserve. My parents used to be a little strict, i wouldnt be able to do things on school nights besides homework, and i was also in after school activities. I would go to my friends house every weekend and her mom would let us do whatever we wanted, and we had all the freedom we wanted, my parents found out what we were doing and instead of them grounding me they told me how they were disappointed in me and they continued to letting me doing what i want but they wouldnt talk to me or anything. It made me so upset that it changed me. I was only 15 at the time and my parents started letting me do what i wanted when i wanted with a few limitations, i still had a curfew and had to tell them who i was with and what were doing, but i was honest with them. I am now 18 and i feel that I am more prepared at college because of the independance i had as an adolescent.
I had never heard the term free range applied to raising kids, but as I listened to Dr. Phil’s program I realized it’s what I’ve been doing for years as my now teenage son has been growing up. I wanted to instill in him a sense of independence and confidence so I gave him many opportunities to be responsible for himself. Overall, I believe this is the best thing for kids, when they can handle it. As my son is now 15, the only negative thing I can wish were different is that if he does choose to leave (and at this point he’s threatened, but never carried out the threat) he has had experiences that would make him believe this too would work out – – but I know that the $$$ would run out before his confidence would. He has the tools to exist on his own better than most kids his age. The bad is that he has the confidence to do things that usually are what you would expect from college age kids – the good is he deals with situations away from home with a maturity and if it ever happens he will fare better. I know this too shall pass and maybe you too will run into the stage where confidence allows them act older than you might be confortable with.
Thank You! Thank You so much. I support your idea. I don’t like helicopter parents though my husband sometimes calls me “mother hen”. Keep them safe – yes, but they need to learn to cope, too. Watching an “Dr. Phil” episode where people were “witch-hunting” a mother that left her child in a car for 4 minutes to be 30 feet away on a cold day got me very worried. I am glad to see somebody can still use common sense. Thank You.
I am a 20 year old child care provider, who lives in a city of about 1.2 million. I grew up outside a city of around 13 000. I see over involved parents daily, who are so close to smothering their children with hovering and it makes me very sad. when i was growning up i had an abundance of limited freedom. (ie. i rode my bike into town, but was given limits on what time of the day this was allowed). I do not think that free range kids works for every child, or every family, only because some kids are not ready, and not mature enough for the responsibility for self care. There needs to be a happy medium. I hope that when i have children of my own i will raise them with a street smart, independant attitde. i never want to underestimate my kids. but i will not let them take unneccesary risks. i hope that every parent will re-evaluate what stage of development your kids really are at, and what they are asking to do. take the necessary steps to ensure their safety while giving them the freedom they need.
I think you are so stupid and you need your children taken from you and your stupid husband how dare you criticize the good mothers in the world like me and my sister you have no buisness talking about use Because you are no where near us i think someone should call DHS on your ASS no one would try to stop your child from being taken in a big city and you better think about that befor your kids are gone
I see both sides. Teach them to be strong on their own but know your child enough to understand what they’re ready for. Let them know that by having more “freedom” comes with more responsibilities- it’s directly related. I let them earn the freedom and retract some when they aren’t able to handle it or disregard rules that come along with the freedom (like- stay in touch and answer your phone when called. come home on time. be respectful). It’s hard because my instinct is to be worried… but they have to learn to be prepared when you’re not there.
My son is now 30 years old. At the age of 6 I put him in daycare after school. After continuous calls from the school he had not been picked up, I found a neighbor to watch him until his father or I got home from work. He would call me when he arrived at the sitters house. One day, he called and proudly told me he was calling from our house. My first response was why are you not at the neighbors. He told me he knocked and knocked and no one came to the door. He walked down to our house, pulled the garbage can up to his window that he had left unlocked and climbed in and called me. From that day on his window was always locked and he was given a key and allowed to stay at home by himself. He proved to us that day that he was more responsible than the day care or the neighbor. He simply rode the bus home and let himself in. He was aware of the dangers that existed for him and he was prepared for anything that could have happened. He was so proud of his new found independence that he always did his homework after getting a snack and was ready to spend time with us when we arrived home.
I don’t suggest all parents give children that age as much responsilbility. It was a seriously deliberated decision to allow him to stay at home alone. He was mature for his age and he proved he was up to the task of taking care of himself and I can proudly say we raised a mature, responsible man that my husband and I both admire.
I took a lot of flack for raising such an independent soul from my family. My family hovered over me and I resented it all of my life. I was 13 before I spent the night at a friend’s house, 18 before I dated and was well into my twenties until I learned to evade my parents prying, even after I had left home at 21. Today my sister tells me that “you have to keep your thumb on them all the time” and she does. Her daughter is almost 40.
It is my opinion that all children need to be given freedom to explore their world and LEARN TO MAKE wise decisions and learn from them. That is not to say that it is not a scary proposition to enter into, but if you have done your job as a parent to the best of your ability to raise a responsible individual, why not allow them the freedom they need to grow into complete and confident adults a little at a time. We preferred to allow our child little freedoms at a time so that when he was ready to set out on his own, he would be prepared.
Recently he called home and announced that he had gotten married. We were shocked, but at the same time cannot wait to meet our new daughter and 6 year old (step) granddaughter. We have faith in the way he was raised that he made a wise choice in this monumental decision. That is what giving your child little freedoms at a time does. Not only does it instill the child with self confidence, but builds your faith in the child that he will make the right decisions through out his life more than making the wrong ones. After all, none of us can say that we have made the right decisions every day of our lives, and as a result we all continue to grow.
Obviously there is a fine balance with numerous dependent factors. But reality is… look at the majority of the Millennials and late Generation X!… As the 24 yo commented above (and further proved free kids positive while attempting to criticize it), these overprotected children “return home” as they are not fully able to function w/out their parents involvement in some form or fashion.
I work with children & adolescent with behavioral issues. It’s sad when we have to remind parents on admission that we provide stabilization only. Truth is, we can’t change parental anxiety projected onto child in approx 1 week. Not to say that neglected children are by any means better off, but keeping your adolescent at home with tabs 24-7 is definitely more apt to lead them to doing drugs/etoh… having sex… etc, behind your back. If you don’t believe me, ASK THEM!
There is obviously a fine balance! And unfortunately, there are way too many parents on both extreme ends. Sometimes in one family ie; overprotective mother becomes caregiver to grandchild of neglectful (over dependent) daughter.
From healthcare (increase in asthma/allergies d/t overprotection from chance to form antibodies to exposure) to an emerging economy dependent on the government to bail them out….. Yes, this is a problem!
I like the idea of free range kids. I believe that children should have more responsibilities and freedom than they now have. This summer my three boys stayed at home by themselves while my husband and I both worked. I just work part time and was home by lunch every day. The boys are 10, 8, and 8. They knew the house rules and followed them with no problem. People thought I also was crazy for letting my children stay at home by themselves, but I trust my children and the way we are raising them.
i was raised by a mother that was more strict than the majority of my friends’ mothers. my mom was extremely involved in all of my extracurricular activities and i could not be more greatful for that. HOWEVER, as early as the age of 7, i was allowed to stay home alone with my older brother who was only 9. my mother worked up the street from our home but we had the freedom to be unattended. we were taught how to fix things for ourselves if we were hungry and to use caution indoors and outdoors.
as i grew older, my parents divorced. my brother lived with my father and i lived with my mother. my father expanded the freedom that we had always known for my brother by simply not inforcing and reinforcing rules (like going to school- so my brother dropped out). my mother, on the other hand, drew me closer as a response to what was going on with my brother (who at the time had pushed my mother away for other reasons). i was not allowed free range much at all as a teen while my parents battled their way through an ugly divorce.
now as an adult, i can see how i have been on both ends of the spectrum. my mother and i are closer than ever and have been able to discuss the importance of independance in the development of a well-rounded individual.
my husband and i are planning children and are both in agreeance of raising a child that can take care of themself after we TEACH them how. A parent’s job is to be confidon, a leader, but most of all- a teacher. if we raise them to know what’s right from what is wrong and to use correct judgement in every situation (from the streets to the home), then we must trust them to choose what is right from what is wrong.
Hello, I totally agree with free range kids. I have a 1yr old and he is already so independent because me and fiance think to let him try to do things on his own. We have friends who hover over their kids and their kids are not able to do half the things as my son. They are also socially unable to adapt to the outside world. As he gets older we will continue to let him do things safely to learn on his own. I also lived in chicago for 5 years and i would take the L train, (public transportain) and you would see kids as young as 4 with kids not that much older than them by themselves getting around the city. Many parents do that in Chicago, some parents arent able to hover because of their jobs. I feel parents who hover have trust issues and wont let their children grow because of something that happened to them. I totally agree with this theory, and I have my son to prove it that kids need to be independent or they wont learn to take care of themselves.
i was raised (now 18) a free range kid
i called my parents and all that
andi was safe
i am all for it
This is fucking stupid. Your kids are going to get raped, SOCIETY WILL NOT HELP YOU, THEY DON’T CARE.
and when we hit the dperessions, your kids won’t be social rejects and will haev friends.
I am an advocate of free range kids (just watched the first 5 min of Dr. Phil show). I was a young single mom so I didn’t have the luxury of being a “helicopter mom”. Also, we are raising fearful kids who think that every grown-up who smiles at them wants to have sex with them, and that every peer who confronts them is a bully. Enough already. Where is the carefree childhood we enjoyed? Too often we realize that we can’t REALLY protect our children from somebody who wants to abduct them. The adult can always overpower the child. You even hear news stories of home break ins at night and children being abducted. The best way to safeguard them is to teach them to enjoy their world with common sense and to BE good neighbours and trust that 99% of people are good neighbours too. My son is now 20 years old and completely confident on any transit system, including transatlantic flight. He is well spoken and competent in ways that none of his peers are. I am so glad he had a carefree (but responsible) childhood and has grown into a confident young man.
I just wanted to say I couldn’t agree with your decisions as a parent more. I’m an educator and I see, much to often, high school students who’s parents are holding their hands to school, to work, around the idea of getting a job or doing chores. It’s sickening! Kids need to learn a sense of responsibility and worth. I have a four year old who I let play outside in our neighborhood with the local kids. It’s our yard, but still I’m not checking on him all the time. He knows he can’t be near the road and that he has to stay out back. Still some thing for a four year old that’s a lot, I totally disagree. He needs to learn rules and responsibilities. I applauded you!
I am definitely for free range parenting. I live in one of the safest cities in America, which makes my decision easier. My concern is that my 5 year old resists independence, responding with fear of failure, anxiety about danger, and sometimes plain laziness. I wonder…is it too early to start, or am I expecting more of her than her age can handle?
Justyn – proofread your message next time – nice language and grammar by the way.
Good for all the anti Hover Moms who are looking for ways to allow kids freedom and independence within safe boundaries.
I just saw you on the Dr Phil show and I think you’re on the right track. I live in Montreal, Canada and although I don’t have children yet, I will probably NOT hover over my kids. I think the other mother, Mary, was definitely crazy! I really like your attitude about all this..
Hi,
I watched Dr. Phil today and all I can say is WE NEED TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN THEIR FREEDOM BACK!.
I remember when I was a little girl (6,7,8) my mom would help me dress up in my halloween costume and tell me when I needed to be home…. Those were the days long before cell phones were in EVERY child’s pocket. I would wonder around the neighborhood with my brother or friends until my curfew and at the stated time, I would begin to walk home.
We live in a society where parents are terrified to let their kids get into a car or go out with their friends without a cell phone. When did life become so damn difficult? The truth about today’s society is that there has not been this huge increase of child preditors. They were around when I was little and yet my parents did not think twice when my brother and I wanted to sleep outside in our sleeping bags on a weekend night. Now days, parents have their children “camp” in the livingroom or in the basement.
I pray that I do not treat my children the way that parents treat their children now. We are overprotective in a lot of aspects. We feel like it is not safe to take a new baby to the grocery store. Heaven forbid they catch a bug. We wonder why our kids are always sick and have these new allergies. Parents need to take a step back and let kids be kids. Let them eat mud, crawl on the dirty kitchen floor.
The world is not safe enough to have our kids going numerous places by themselves.
Well i just wanted to say hat I believe in exactly what you are saying!! I am a Naive American woman from Canada and I am not the only one that feels this way.
This is the way that myself, my friends and family, we all raise our kids this way. My children are very independant and since they get to do pretty much whatever they want, they don’t do things that they are not supposed to do! So when I want them to do something or not to do something, they listen!!! because I don’t over over them like a drill sargent.
I’ll give you an example, at the mall here in my town they have these machines that the kids can ride in, like cars and trucks and such, and when we go to the mall I usually take my 3 year old boy with me, so While I am shopping in the store(he knows which one I’m in) I will let him play on the toys. SO when it is time for us to leave the mall he does not fuss or anything. While I see every single other child in the mall throwing a tantrum. Or else I let my sons play outside in the yard by themselves all the time. and I see other moms that just hover.
So i just wanted to say that, Right on for you!! and i wanted to say that my people have been raising our kids like this for generations!!
I watched Dr. Phil today. I don’t agree with any of the mothers on there. I think all were way to extreme in either direction.
I believe good parenting lies between both extremes that were presented on the show today. It also depends on the maturity level of the child. I have two sons who are four years apart and both have been raised the same way and in the same environment since birth. Sometimes I think my nine year old is more mature than the 13 year old.
Turning your child loose in any city is ridiculous. Having them take a subway by themselves is neglegent. Stalking your teenage child while she is clearly at cheerleading practice or at a friend’s house is “loco”.
You can bet your sweet patutie than when my son was jumped on the school bus by a neighbor’s kid (who was found to be psychologically unstable), I called that mother and told her that while I was glad she was getting help for her son, my son was NOT a punching bag. Three years later when my son was attached by thugs on the schoolbus (by the way we live in one of the “100 best cities to live in” according to a well known magazine) you can bet I had the video pulled and demanded the culprits to be punished. Finally, when both my children were punched while at school, we started Tae Kwon Do classes…no problems since then. I do expect them to protect and defend themselves because this “no tolerance” attitude the schools have these days is bullshit. It only creates more bullies when the weak have been picked on too much. Some of these thugs need to be knocked down a peg.
On the flipside…when we are coming from the ballgame and taking the metro link in a huge crowd, I am gathering the children to my side and holding onto their shirts so we make it onto the same car. You can BET when I let my older son walk to the store, I’m going to remind him about this or that in order to keep him aware of his surrounding and keep himself safe.
And you can BET that when my kids start hanging out more with friends and are dating, I’ll NOT be ashamed for staying awake to listen for the front door to open and hear their footsteps down the hall. And I’ll thank God they are home safe.
Parenting is a personal thing. Like religion or politics. Unless parents are harming their children, BUTT OUT.
If you are for or against FREE RANGE KIDS – EVERYONE PLEASE READ…
I was one of the protective parents of a child keeping him protected all of his life. NOW he is 21 years old and has not learned any independence and needs help with everything! When in High School, he never was allowed to go out and experience life because I was scared that he would get tied up with drugs. So instead of him doing drugs then, he does them now.
Parents let your kids go out and experience life maybe you will raise an independent adults who can really make good decisions in life.
How can kids be street smart if we don’t let them out on the street?! Children need to know that they are capable of taking care of themselves in many situations if they are going to succeed as adults. Just as long as we adults are not stupid about it. Kids still need and want boundaries though and we need to remember that while we are letting them explore the world without us.
I was free range Mom – my girls are now 22 and 25. Both are alive and well and unafraid of new situations. My oldest daughter studied abroad TWICE in Scotland while in college. The first time, she didn’t even have a place to live when she got there, but she figured it out, found a place within a week, had a great time and made friends from around the world. And without parental help!
There was a story from Utah a few years ago of a Boy Scout who got lost on a camping trip. He was about 8 with mild autism. They finally found him after three days, starving and delerious. Turns out he had been hiding from everyone searching for him, calling his name, because he’d been taught not to talk to strangers. Protecting him nearly killed him.
Hi there,
First I want to say thank god for parents like you-if there were more, I believe kids would be a heckuva lot more self-sufficient!
HOWEVER! there is a difference between city kids and country kids…I was brought up in the country with dangers of cranky horses, greedy cows, and cutting grass with the lawn tractor at 7-as soon as I could press the clutch in I was ready to go! But then my parents never taught me the dangers of the city-
I was almost abducted from the front passenger seat as some madman threw open my door (I was only 8) and tried to reef me out of my seat belt-my mother grabbed me by my arm and drove off and I hauled back on the door and that was that-I was more scared of the hospital test for epilepsy that I was to have that day than the scary man. I just learnt to lock my doors in certain areas in the city. (Toronto, Canada-1979)
But I also know they wouldn’t allow me in town (our small town!) at that age by myself (I rode the school bus for an hour-first kid on last kid off) and if ever missed the bus I caught bloody hell.-Of course I went to a girls camp from the age of 7 on for 2 weeks at a time so that was freedom in itself…I think that I did rebel in my teens because the noose was too tight so hopefully you don’t change your mind when he’s 12 on…although boys/girls in packs are certainly worse then when they’re on their own- have you noticed!!!
Dear Lenore,
I normally wouldn’t start posting my comments online, but I did want to leave a note after I watched Lenore on Dr. Phil.
I am 60 years old, grew up on Long Island not far from the City. When I was young I played sports a lot after school. I was always on a schoolground or playground somewhere around town, playing with my friends. I would go lots of places on my bike, and my parents trusted my judgement to find my way home for dinner. Besides sports, I would travel to friends’ houses, go to the library, go to various places “exploring” with other kids, generally doing stuff kids did when they were kids.
My parents taught me about “strange people” who might want to touch me or take me somewhere, and what to do if approached. I know people think child molesters are only a new problem in society, but they were around when I grew up, too. Child molesters have been with us ever since children were invented, and it is up to adults to educate children how to take action when, and if, approached.
So, here I am at 60. I made it through childhood without wearing a bike helmet (hate those things!), didn’t get lost, didn’t have to be watched all the time, didn’t get driven to school every day, learned independence, and think I turned out okay. Believe me, I have had a very colorful life, and understand the dangers in the world. If I were raising a child now, I would teach him/her to be aware, smart, kind, loving, active, and alive, enjoying life. I would not take a child’s independence away, and instead instill fear and dependence. Kids are supposed to be happy and free, not cacooned in a bubble of over-protection.
Thanks for listening.
Alan Hubert, Portland, Maine (counselor).
AMEN! I first saw you on Penn and Teller and thought your decision to let your son try this was amazing. Not enough parents allow their children to learn to be independent. My children walked a almost a mile to an from school at about that same age. At fifteen and seventeen the are level head kids filled with common sense. Even now I see a difference in the young adults in our neighborhood who were not allowed to have freedoms of this kind. Kids who have been not allowed to judge situations for themselves as smaller children are suddenly given the freedom of cars and driver’s licenses and are completely wild, racing through the neighborhood, underage drinking and driving, etc.
FREE RANGE ROCKS!!!!!
Hi – I’m just watching my TIVO’d Dr Phil and am appalled at the blond Mom who stalks her kids. Unbelievable and totally wrong and harmful to kids’ growth. I’ve seen the results of these types of parents.
Lenore –
My husband and I have raised our kids (now 19, 20 and 22) the “Free Range” way. What a difference between them and some of their peers.
My husband and I firmly believe that kids WILL live up to the expectations they are given. If you hover, and have to direct their every move they will think they are incapable of anything.
A few years ago, we let our then 15-year-old and 16-year-old go to Europe by themselves for a couple weeks to visit a relative and have a look around. We caught a lot of flack for that. They had a blast and learned a whole lot about managing money (yes, we actually gave each of them 500 euros cash as a start – they had debit cards as backup) and finding their way around strange cities. And, oh, the funny stories just keep coming!
Our advice – start teaching them when they are very young that Yes, you CAN do it. And they will believe that.
By the way, our oldest graduated college early and got a great job. At only 22, this child has bought a home, has a paid off car and NO debt, as well as already having travelled to more than 10 countries and many states.
See – it CAN work!!
Hi,
This is a very touchy subject for parents. There is so much stuff out there on the news every day about something bad happening to children. Our instinct is to protect. I had 3 daughters that because of a divorce were parented differently. The middle daughter went to live with her dad with very little supervision and unfortunately she wound up quitting school and pregnant before she turned 17. The youngest lived with me and while I tried to give her space she did have to check in with me and let me know where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. She is now married and says that she is glad I was like that because she always knew I would be there for her. I feel like it is hard to be a parent – but wonderful at the same time. Each parent has to do the best they can with their own children. I don’t know of any perfect parenting tips out there that work perfectly for each child. I feel like our hovering comes from fear of not having the control of our child’s safety that we become somewhat neurotic about it. I don’t agree that all children who have protective parents rebel in dangerous ways. I think you have to take it on a child to child basis and just muddle through the best you can. Life is a coin toss. I do thank you for giving us all something to think about.
While I agree that in many ways we are smothering our kids, I don’t agree with the “free range” concept at such a young age. Kids are not capable of making safe choices at such a young age. Yes, they may know not to “take candy” or “go with strangers”, however suppose someone clean cut and well dressed flashes a fake badge and tells them they need to come with them because they were accused of stealing or breaking the law. Would a 9 year old know what to do? After all we raise them to respect authority figures like police, teachers, etc. Today’s child molesters do not look evil, they look like normal everyday folks. A lot of people may watch a child being abducted with a child screaming and think this child is just misbehaving, not in trouble. Don’t lull yourself into a false sense of security, people dont always want to get involved, even when they know there is a problem.
In general children should be taught how to handle themselves in situations they may find themselves in, and a lot of communication and input can be a training ground. You may even teach your child to do the travelling on the bus and subway, etc while accompanying them and letting them take you home from downtown, but to let your child do it alone at such a young age….no way. It is completely irresponsible and while there may not be a huge chance of something horrible happening…..if it does happen, you will never forgive yourself.
dear lenore, i think that what you are trying to instill in your son is awesome i think we as parents need to teach are kids to be responsible and learn from their mistakes if they dont what kind of adults will we have in the future i believe that children should be taught right from wrong and disipine.. i think as a nation we are raising a nation of pansey children our kids are going to grow up and they will leave the nest ,lets teach them how to face the world and be strong i think these hovering parents are teaching their kids to close the lines of communication thank you so much for having the brass to go against the grain p.s. im watching you on dr.phil as i write this lol nice pants lol
I agree that we hover too much. My husband hovers more than me, I grew up in the city, my husband in the country. He thinks that the city is full of bad people and thus wants to protect our children. I want to give the kids more freedom so they can learn to trust themselves and their own choices. How do you learn to trust your ‘gut’ feelings when never given the chance. How do we encourage them to learn when we stiffle all their chances. I think that we do over protect. Our city has 225,000 people, and our kids take the bus to destinations (without cell phones) but unfortunately the majority of their friends aren’t allowed to bus, so the parents drive them. Then I get snooted at for not driving..so I get drug into their hovering too. Not all children are ready for the same things at the same age, but as they grow they need their freedom. We, they children if the 1970′ & 1980’s were not hovered over, and I think I can speak for the majority of us and say, we turned out just fine !!
i think you are crazy. i dont mean to be rude, but you are insane! there are dangers lurking around every corner and if someone came up to your child with a gun and said “stand still and act normal” how do you expect other people on the street to help? raise your own child and don’t rely on others to do it for you… especially strangers.
I am so happy that there are moms like this out there!! My parents own their own business and ran it out of our home. My mom was home every day with me and my sister. I loved having her there, but for my 15th birthday, I asked for a trip to Universal Studies Florida. My parents sent me there by myself for a week. At 15, I stayed in a hotel outside the park by myself, took a taxi around town by myself, and payed my way by myself. It was wonderful. Nothing bad happened. I survived. Since then, I have taken many trips by myself to different cities in the U.S. Because my parents took the time to teach me street smarts when I was younger, I have developed into a wonderful young woman ( I think!). These free range moms will be pleased to know that when they separate themselves a little, it really helps develop a wonderful relationship for the rest of your lives. I couldnt be happier with how my parents raised me.
Brilliant blog!!! However, keep in mind I’m a 22yr old with no children but my mother never had any restrctions on me while I was growing up. I never got into trouble, yes I went out tried things here and there but I was responsible enough to make the right choice
If you teach the difference from right and wrong and let your child decide it gives them the capibility and understanding of making mistakes, its how you grow and become the person you are.
Safety fist is something you should always keep in mind and thats what my mother always told me and trust me it works.
Good luck with everything, I wish more were open minded to the idea but your doing a great thing
I am happy to hear that you are making the news. So many parents micromanage their children. Children are overscheduled and do not know how to make decisions for themselves. For those people who find giving independence to their children scary; they have to realize this is not something you do overnight. Each child needs to be considered as an idividual and freedom paced with their developmental stages. Our job as parents is raise children to be independent competant individuals. I saw it starting from the point when my children would walk into the next room out of my sight. Growing up and moving away from your parents is a process. I have two girls in college and one in high school. We have great communication and I have taught them how to be independent and smart when in the world. You can’t live in a bubble. Let your children enjoy and live their lives without fear. Live with awareness, but enjoy life.
I pray to God that nothing ever happens to your sons due to your stupidity. Atleast I know that my girls are safe and protected to the best of my ability and that there was nothing more that I could have done if anything were to happen to them. They are not smothered, they are loved. Kids today have too much freedom and parents like you just give in and do not give your children any boundries. You had mentioned, quite proudly and with a hint of relief, that your son can take the subway and bus home. It seems like you want your sons to get out there in the world so you are not burdened by running them here and there.
Today is not like how it was decades ago. If it was, then I would be for this, but times have changed.
Like I said, I hope that nothing ever happens to them, but if something does, YOU are going to have to face yourself and that will be punishment enough.
While I’m not for the freedom I had as a child, I am cognizant of the fact that my boys will be less prepared to be on their own than I was. Honestly, I’m in no hurry — I joke with my 12th grader, who enjoys a lot of freedom, that I didn’t have him just to give him up in 18 years. Often, when I tell a story of how independant I was encouraged to be, I add this disclaimer: I wasn’t yet in kindergarten. My mother tried to convince my twin and me to go to the town pool without her when we were four. We refused because it was far too daunting. We were allowed to basically run all over town by the time we were three, and it often caused a problem with older kids or with our safety. Rather than keeping us away from the creek, we were told not to touch turtles because they carried salmonella. At age 7, we were dropped off at a concert venue to see David Cassidy, two little deer in the headlights. In retrospect, I realize that my mother did not want to be so involved in our play; she was an extremely depressed woman who is working hard at being a better grandmother than she was a mother. On the other hand, my friend won’t leave her seventh grader alone for even a half hour and he can’t ride his bike off their block. Obviously, somewhere in the middle is likely the right balance.
I have a daughter that is in the sixth grade. My daughter has walked home from the bus stop after school everyday since she was in the second dgrade. During the summer she is in a camp where is is required to walk across a major college campus alone and across a major road. There are times that she is left at home alone for the majority of the day. I have checked with the local police department and the child protective services, after interviewing my daughter in the second grade the both determined that she was safe and capable of being left at our home alone.
If we do not teach our children at a young age to be responsible for their safety at our home or our town how can we really expect they will react when they are given that responsibilty, the responsibility of driving a car and the responsibilty of denying the peer pressure they will encounter in school. Everything in life is introduced at a basic level and is compunded as one develops in school, job, and life. We are not born knowing it all or doing it all, we learn gradually.
When I was growing up I was never inside. I rode my bike, jumped rope outside and walked to friends houses on a daily basis and I did all of this before the age of tweens with cell phones. I think we as parents have the duty to condition our children to the world and that is not achieved through letting them sit inside on the computer or video games. We have to allow our children to have freedom and the abilty to socially interact with other peopole outside of the school, church, or other monitored activities.
I not only teach my daughter about stranger danger but have also instructed her that she is not to get into the car with any adult that is alone other than family members, due to the number of abductions and molestations that occur by people that know your child.
Now is the time to loosen the ties on your child or you will lose them when they rebel and are more apt to put themselves in situations that could lead to the the very thing that we as parents are the most fearful of.
Your encouraging “free range” as a way to avoid responsibility as a parent. Its reckless, naive and can leave the child very vulnerable.
i could go on and on but ill just say. ppl should mind their own business. there are things more harmful to a child like divorce for example. ppl endager their children my making them obese. and many parent openly drink and leave alcohol available for children. i say you are one of the “worlds best moms”!!!!
You are a very ignorant woman. Your son is very lucky that he made it home safely. Someone should turn you into child protective services. You don’t live in a small farm town where you know everyone – you live in New York City! I pray to god that we don’t see you back on Dr. Phil mourning your son because of your stupidity.
How come there has to be two extremes– Helicopter or Free Range? I don’t agree with either.
There is a better, logical, safe, and sane balance.
Raised with the perfect balance,
Mother of two (for now) 🙂
I think you are the bomb because I would let my kid ride the subway by himself too. My parents are older and grew up when parents didn’t hover around their kids. I am so glad that my siblings and I were given the opportunity to do so many things by ourselves. Our parents were mature and we always were because we were given freedom. Rock on Free Range Mom!
Awesome. I get a lot of flack, originally due to having to leave my daughter home alone before or after work at 9yrs. For a short time I had to be across town for work at 7am and she had to get herself to the bus on time every day and she did. She’s almost 11 now and rides her bike to the store, has even bussed to the mall for shopping. One of my best friends still drives her daughter the short 2 mins to school every single day at almost 12. She’s not shy about how she feels about the danger my daughter is in.
This kind of freedom is so scary for us, but just because I am afraid, should I rob my daughter of the self esteem built by adding responsibilities? I’ve prepared my daughter and continue to prepare her for the dangers that she may encounter…. and pray. And that’s all I can do. And hopefully some day she’ll thank me for it!
I do not have children – but I just saw you on Dr. Phil and was so compelled to email. I am supportive and PROUD that you are promoting and teaching others to be aware of their childrens’ potential. We as parents have taken away all rights of our children because of our adapted lifestyle as crime continually grows.
I have lived in Europe and Asia and what you encourage is the same mentality as the parents abroad. Since I have returned to the USA, my husband works abroad, I carry a concealed weapon because I do not feel the world is safe. But I feel that I am an informed and conscious person of my surroundings. If I had children, I would teach them the same principles of being AWARE. We teach our children to become better thinkers if we give them the right to choose early on. Parents now coddle their children – way too much!
THANK you so much for bringing this to light! I am proud of you, and your children will thank you in the long run.
I think there should be a boundery line between giveing a child free range and overly protecting them. I let my daughter play in the back yard by herself with rules. We talk about strangers and what to do and not to talk to them. I also think theres a time to be overly protective as well. Theres alot of stuff happening in this world. Kids need a safe enviroment that they can go to. Home should be number 1. In my case it was my school growing up. So I’m leanring to let her grow and make her own mistakes and yet give her that safe enviroment to come to as well.
I read about you in Readers Digest and all I have to say is “GOOD FOR YOU”. I am a 30yo father of two and I am 110% for kids growing up to be responsable and capable. When I was younger I used to go to my friends houses, the baseball feild or anywhere around town by myself. I think it is a GREAT thing that you have properly raised your kids so that they are able to be independent. We all grew up without the fear of being taken by a stranger, not because their were not people doing that sort of thing but because our parrents did their job and taught us right from wrong. I think peoplr should look back at their childhood and realize that they did all of the things that are concidered “Taboo” by todays standards. It is all about how you as a perrent rase your kids and you have done right! More people should take lessons from you.
I have 3 kids and they are great , i have rules, i use to let my kids, do alomost anything to a point with out breaking the rules and they seem ok with it but here 2 weeks ago leting my older son leveing school at lunch time to gave him space. as he was leveing the store he was jumped by 3 other kids and beat up. know I dont like to let them out of my site. i guess when your kids get hurt you will now. how it fells
My sister is an extreme helicoper parent and I feel so bad for my nephews because of this. I pray that she was watching your show on Dr. Phil. Although her kids are teenagers, they are not allowed off their street without permission. They do not walk or take their bikes to school even though all of the kids in the neighborhood do. They can not go to the park, mall or anywhere without adult supervision. When they are at the park, she watches them closely to ensure that are not talking to cetain undesireables. She doesn’t understand how her behavior is effecting their mental health. One of them suffers from severe panic attacks which i have no dout is related to how he is treated and the other has absolutely no confidence in himself. The worst part is that she belongs to a group of parents who subscribe to this style of parenting. They do not believe that teenagers should be given any unsupervised activities what so ever. They do not allow their teens to hang out with other kids who’s parents allow their kids more freedom. I am now being punished by her because I allowed them to drive their bikes (with five of their freinds) to the park without an adult by their side. I had to do it – for thier sake. I would do it again if given the opportunity. Oh -did I mention that these teenagers have a babysitter too! Yup. They are not allowed to go home after school, they must go to a babysitters house after school everyday. They are completely humiliated by this treatment and they catch a lot of grief from others kids at school because of it. My sister had a lot of freedom as a child and had a pretty good life because of that . I think her problem is more about control. She must control everything including all of their meal times. They must eat at certain times everyday. My question is – at what point is this considered abuse?
I agree that children need freedom. I had it when I was a kid. It is time to look for the good in people for a change.
Thank GOD!!! I had freedom to walk to meet my friends, play at the creek, BE INDEPENDENT all during my childhood. You teach them, you let them grow. People are SO AFRAID of everything today – it’s pitiful. Sometimes life is harsh, but that doesn’t mean you should live cooped up & fearful. Well done!!!!!!
Lenore,
I remember the days of growing up in the 60’s as a young kid but that was a different time.
I’m sure you have seen “Home alone” where the kid is left at home by accident.
In life God gives us wisdom to lead and guide us, you need to pray for some more wisdom before letting your 9 year old child go out into a city of 8,000,000 people.
The only difference between you and a mother that lets her kids stay at home by their selves ( and D.S.S. goes out to check them out ) is that you are worse than she is, because she at least leaves them behind locked doors.
It looks like to me that you and your husband just want more free time and…space. If you have the kids, it’s your place to watch over them, protect and raise them.
Also, Tough Love is learning to say No sometimes.
Dana,
What is wrong with an older child who stays home by themselves? Some parents never take the time to teach their children and are therefore have no confidence in childs abilities. These parents find it hard to believe that children can do all sorts of things. For example, they can walk to school, they can ride their bikes to the store, they can cook, they can mow the lawn and clean the dishes.
Children in my neighborhood start taking the commuter rail at age 13/14 in order to get to school everyday and some take and additional bus after that. Do you think that hundreds of parents are wrong for allowing their kids to take themselves to school everyday? This has been going on for decades now.
Some parents may want to invest the time to teach their kids at an earlier age. If they are willing to put in the time to teach their kids, why not.
BTW – there were just as many dangers in the world in the 60’s – believe me! They just weren’t broadcasted over the internet every 5 minutes. It is actually safer today than it was then. There are cameras and security everywhere you go – you didn’t have that in the 60’s did you?
LOSER WHO CARES LET US TEACH OUR KIDS WHATEVER WE WANT
Seriously? You won’t be satisfied until your child is abducted, raped and murdered. It’s not about trusting the child and it’s not even about hovering. There are some really sick and evil people in this world. If we lived in a fairy-tale, it would be no problem to have our children frolic in fields with fawns and bunnies. We live in the real world, with people who prey on, stalk, and lust after children. Having your child take trips on the subway alone is just as bad as leaving your child in your car with the car running and the keys in the ignition and the door open and a sign on it that says “please steel me.” It’s not a wise thing to do.
Look out everyone! Paranoid parents are getting scared now – scared that they might start looking like paranoid nuts with irrational fears. They are feeling threatened because they may not be able to claim that their over-protectiveness makes them a great parent . Look out -they will be on the war path now…… here they come……3…2…1…
Finally, some sanity in a paranoid culture. Bravo Free Range, for offering our communities a model for trusting each other and for presenting that model in a fairly nuanced way. Too much of our society is engaged in crazy black-and-white thinking (Child molesters are around every corner! Your kids will die if they walk to school alone!). I appreciate your approach to permit the learning process of growing up.
I personally strive for a kind of age-appropriate and common sense free range. Which means that I let each kid do things they’re ready for, depending on many factors like maturity, interests, abilities, dexterity, etc. My oldest could make great scrambled eggs (yes, he used the stove) at age 7 all by himself…he was tall for his age which helped! My daughter had her first real job doing grounds keeping for a local manufacturing firm at age 14 and we received many compliments at her maturity and work ethic (she was often more mature than the others, some young adults). My youngest child just helped me in the yard with pruning, and he was the commander of the full-sized pruning shears. He’s 7 and loved getting to do real work. The garden was his idea from the get-go.
But, the oldest wasn’t ready to drive at 16 (too distractable). The daughter is not permitted to date until age 16 (because we’re old-fashioned). The youngest never makes his own scrambled eggs. Prefers cereal.
As our economy and shifts, we’re all gonna be walking and biking more, driving less, buying fewer pricey toys and spending more free time at local libraries. As both parents may need work longer hours to make ends meet, it follows that our children will need, absolutely, to be able to draw on their self-reliance.
Thank you, Lenore.
I think it all depends on the child.
my daughter is 12, a ballerina , trained in Karate self-defense, homeschooled always, and very mature for her age. i have no problem giving her control of life responsibilities because I know she can handle it. I know 18yr olds who can’t handle basic daily life chores and I couldn’t imagine that being my child, i want to feel secure that if something happens to me my child is fully capable of taking care of the situation as well as herself and I am very proud of her 🙂
Free Range is horrible. A 9 year old DOES NOT need to be roaming the city ALONE! You are CRAZY LADY!
This is all a way to get out of raising your children or having to pay someone to watch them when you can’t!
While your personality is a bit annoying, I agree with your views. You can judge if your own child has the maturity to ride the subway.
I took the subway In Chicago alone at age 10 and it started in a bad neighborhood. I would go downtown to clean my Dad’s store on Saturdays. I loved feeling grown up and independent.
I babysat infants at 10 years old. Today there seem to be no babysitters who aren’t adults.
I went to high school at 13 and took the train, a bus, and walked a mile…alone.
I left home at 16 from fighting with my parents but I never had to return and I never asked my parents for money and I make a very good living and have always been self employeed.
Not a smart idea to let your 9 year old out on his own. I am a parent of 3 kids and I would never allow them to roam the streets on their own till they are about 15.
I haven’t even read it all the other comments, I just happened to catch this on Dr Phil today. I have to say that there are MANY things that have to be considered. I think there are many hover/helicopter moms due to the lack of it in our generation. I was your classic latchkey kid. I was able to do about anything I wanted, whenever I wanted since age 7. Yes, I learned alot about being responsible, BUT, when I was eight I was walking home and I was raped by a teenage boy in a field. I was walking along a busy street in a very populated area of a very nice suburban neighborhood! All it takes is 1 sicko in a crowded area, hand over the mouth, and a threat as being pulled into the tall weeds. I am not the only mom of this generation that was violated in some way and feel we need to be extra cautious for our children. And even when we are more protective, when my daughter was 4yo and playing in our yard, a 13 yo neighbor boy violated her! Right there under a watchful eye. I think there is a big difference between sending your young child out into a sick world and think they are capable of protecting themselves and parents taking the time to raise kids to be independent. But to do that, a parent needs to be a major part of teaching their child, always being there, and letting them fail and learn from their mistakes… But children without protection are way too defenseless and you might not get a second chance to let your child out on their own to learn to be independent! BTW, I didn’t catch if you had a childhood that your parents hovered or left you on your own, but I have alot of resentment towards my mom for not being around for me. At the time, I loved the freedom, like I’m sure your son does, but he would love it more if you took the time to be there with him and make sure he is safe and taught him the responsibilities he needs to learn as he grows up.
I thought I should add that as I did mention in my above post, I do think kids SHOULD be given responsibilities and be trusted they can do it. I think that mother’s that hold their kids back/down and never give them any freedom and trust are doing a lot of harm too. But not as bad as sending them out defenseless in a situation that in itself draws attention to them that they are alone and without an adult accompanying them. A young child alone is a predator’s best invitation!!!
I think that you are crazy! i did grow up with more freedom but i think that was a different time. i do believe in letting our kids explore and enjoy life, i think we need to be part of that exploration. i have 3 small children (under the age of 5) they are smart, brave, confident and very creative, we explore the world together in a safe and consructive way. yes i grew up with more freedom than i will allow my children, maybe they won’t make some of the stupid choices i made.
Wow! Lots of comments. Ms. Skenazy’s appearance must have been quite successful. Congratulations! I am not a free range parent as I have made clear on this site but it was nice to see a very few people who agree with me. Parents know what is best. They know their kids best not some “movement” or group and not other parents. Judith is quite right. Parenting is a personal thing. I feel very comfortable saying that I know my child’s abilities and limitations better than anyone and that includes the free rangers and Ms. Skenazy. Yes he is autistic and has limitations but he will go as far as he can with his head held high and I will be right behind him as proud as any parent. Just because he can’t take the subway or bike to school doesn’t make him a failure. Perhaps he will do these things at his own pace. Once again, he and I will work that out together. I think this is true of all kids and parents whether they have disabilities or not. So, parents, follow your gut or your brain. If you want to be free range, good luck to you. If you don’t, also good luck to you. Parents know best. Ms. Skenazy knows her son and it shows. Good for her. But that doesn’t mean she knows every other child better than the child’s parents. Good luck to all!
As a parent of two children under two and a special education teacher of children in the low primary grades in NYC, my response will probably shock some people I know. But I must say that all natural worries aside, and even in the world we live in today; I do think we need to begin to remember that these children must learn to do the natural things that many of us took for granted and did as children. They have to be prepared for a time when going out into the world is not optional, and mom and dad can’t hold their hands. Children today need to have real life experiences and learn what to do in different situations. However, these skills need to be taught to the children and practiced with supervision first. They need to know how to protect themselves when someone is not there to do it for them. The fact is that every child and situation is different and therefore some children may be ready for more independence at 9 and others may not be ready for the same level of freedom until 10, 11 or even 13. The truth is that we do need to practice good parenting and preparation of our children for the real world in an age appropriate manner from day one and then trust the job we’ve done by knowing our children as individuals. If we hover constantly and make children think they should never feel safe, secure or comfortable, then we will be producing insecure, non self reliant individuals who are not ready or able to face the challenges of life. Lefe is scary and uncertain, kids, especially today, know this. It is our job as parents and educators to let them know that the world is also full of good things, people and opportunities if they take the chance to see them and the risks and be themselves. Again, we must first prepare them and educate them of the steps necessary to keep themselves safe and what to do in an unsafe situation. And, again KNOW YOUR OWN CHILDREN!!!! Know what they are capable of and mature enough to handle appropriately, don’t just throw an unprepared immature child to the wolves. Finally, always be there to support them and pick them up when they fall. And let them know when they made a mistake or a bad choice in a situation, talk about it, but don’t let them think they are bad or dumb. Please remember, the child is learning, the decision was wrong the child is not bad or necessarily untrustworthy because of one mistake.
I’m not a free-range mother at all. Growing up, I had plenty of freedom. Like many, we were sent out and later called in for supper at the end of the day. But we know more today than parents knew back then. I’m consistently fighting myself to not “overprotect” my kids, but they are six and four. At these ages, they need a certain amount of hovering. Where we live, the cars fly by without regard to a child on a bike. There are few kids walking about and playing (yes, they are all on playdates or at some other structured setting like gymnastics, etc) after school. It’s a fine line. I don’t think I’ll ever relax enough to allow a nine-year old to take a bus (or subway) alone, but I know I will “let go” more as they grow. They need this.
Another thought I had is that by pretty much telling the world that a child rides the subway alone, it is almost advertising that a particular young child is out there – alone. Kind of like “Hello, all you pedi’s – I’m here and waiting.”
Don’t get me wrong…many parents NEED to hover less. But just be careful not to go to the extreme end and pretend the world is just as “safe” as it was when we were kids. It’s not…or maybe it is but tv has made me paranoid!
Hi I am Hannah Quigley and I am 12 years old. I was and am being raised as a free range kid. I consider myself as mature and smart as most adults. I have seen it before in my peers. Their parents paint this perfect picture of the world and as soon as they get out there its like”Woah” and they freak out when things go wrong. My sister who is 3 years older pretty much was raised hoveringly and now that things aren’t going so great (my parents are getting divorced and my grandma has 3 months to live) she is not taking it so well.(THAT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!) I on the other hand am fine with it all and really don’t worry about it so much. There is a clear line between me and Emily and I believe it is the way we were raised.
So I incourage all you moms out there to get your kids ready for the real world and not push them straight from a fantacy land into reality.
So let me ask this of anyone willing to respond:
Is it “too hovering” to make certain you are a few yards from the bathtub to listen to your four-year old child take a bath?
Is it “okay” to let said four-year old run next door (not cross the street) to say “hi” to the neighbor, in their late 60’s age wise, and stay behind their closed door? (I actually will only allow this when I’m looking out the window and I wait a few minutes and then get my four-year old. I know the neighbors, but still…)
Is it okay to continue to yell “Wait for mommy, you can’t walk across the street alone…yet…you need to wait till you are older.” And is it okay to reiterate over and over “WAIT for me at the end of the street before you cross. Watch left and right for cars.”, etc. Am I crippling them? I constantly reiterate the safety rules of pools, cars whizzing by, etc. I do not want overparent – but I do want my kids to be safe. It’s really a struggle to know when enough is enough in this world.
I know I am overprotective to a degree. I am hardwired (as I think many overprotective mothers are) to be a caretaker, to be overzealous in this area. I want to change “to a degree”, but I don’t agree with everything “free range” just yet.
I am very proud to be raising my 4 children “free range.” We live in the mountains of Colorado and I allow my kids to play in the wilderness. When I say wilderness I mean bears, mountain lions, elk, deer, and other wild animals. I am generally astonished when children come to visit from other families and they can’t make a simple P.B.&J. sandwich yet my kids can fix a 3 course breakfast, and know not to run from a bear. We are also not big on video games, but my 11 year old daughter can real in a 10 pound bass and then filet it for dinner. I allow the two older girls, 10 and 11 years old, to go shopping in the mall without me hovering over them. They do watch out for each other as siblings should. And they stay on there own watching the 2 younger boys ages 4 and 5 while I am at work for a few hours. We have very established rules, which they follow. I am very proud of my children and the fact that I am raising adults that are competent and secure.
I definately agree with you. I started my daughters bank account at 9. She had her own atm card, chores that she got paid to do and got a regular deposit as if it was a paycheck. She was taught to balance her check book and to save and only spend if she really needed it. If she ran out of money oh well. I have taught her how to run an e-commerce eco friendly internet business which has no age restriction to start to build. She is now 18 and on her own. She is very self sufficient. You MUST be a responsible parent and teach your child responsibility NOT fear. Great job
I have been reading alot of the comments now and I am seeing there are 2 huge differences in what is being talked about. If it was just an issue of parents that do everything and cater to their children and never give them any freedom, that IS a huge problem. Teaching children responsibilities and trusting they can do them is very important. It is our jobs as parents to raise our children to be responsible adults. But the big issue alot of us have is the safety aspect of allowing a young child ALONE in certain situations that could be dangerous to them. Not that they can’t do the things, such as ride the subway, cross the street safely etc, but there are many more dangers that they can not handle. As Desiree from Colorado stated she allows her children to explore. I’m sure they taught their children how to bait a hook and catch and fillet a fish, and do it safely and how to use the stove properly to cook a 3 course breakfast. There is one thing she also mentioned her girls do things together and “watch out for each other”. That is the biggest problem most of us not agreeing with the whole aspect of “free range”. Is sending them out in situations that can be out of their control. Most can say many of those risks and dangers are there for any of us as adults also, but the difference is as an adult you are responsible for yourself and as a minor child they depend on protection from their parents! I am a Cub Scout Leader and we teach the boys to be independent and resourceful but there is a strict rule of the buddy system so someone is always watching out for another. That is being responsible!
What is WRONG with you people??? Giving our kids SOME independence is great. Giving them ALL of the independence they can take at age 9 is just plain dangerous (and irresponsible). My husband is a police officer and our children are only left with the trust of the teachers in their school or an occasional babysitting day with their grandparents. Otherwise, my husband and my JOB as parents are to RAISE them until they are ADULTS. Nine or Ten do not classify as adults. Or even teenagers for that matter. What on earth makes you think that a molester just won’t go ahead and take your sons away Lenore. You feel you can trust strangers, but you CAN’T. Molesters will do ANYTHING do get what they want. Including holding a gun or knife to your child’s body and MAKING them follow them to a car or designated area so they can hurt your child/children. Whoever leaves their child to walk amongst their city to take subways and cabs at age 9 does not deserve to be a parent. If you are blessed with children, you need to keep your eyes on them forever. It is your eternal job. Keeping watch over them while they are babies requires constant attention; watching them play as young children requires you to give them SOME distance. While they are teens and grow into adults, you give them space. But NEVER, EVER put your child into a situation where they are completely on their own to wander the city at such a young age. LENORE, you are just ASKING kidnappers to take your child away. Don’t you LOVE them ENOUGH to be with them and sacrifice YOUR TIME for them. I grew up in the same time you did. My parents NEVER allowed me to do the things your children do. Because they loved me, cared for me and my sister and we both knew our parents were always there, whether or not we needed them. They just were there, in case. What a warm, loving set of parents I realize I had. They never abandoned me or my sister like you have your sons. I repay my parents now by honoring them and checking on them and taking care of them, like they did us. As you age, you and your husband will grow quite lonely when your sons don’t give a crap about you, either.
I agree with you. I’m an 18 year old collage student and my parents gave me a lot of freedom growing up, and I am glad that they did. They taught me how to be safe and take care of myself. I have seen it with one of my friends she has a very protcive mom and she isn’t ready for the real world at all. I know that my parents do worry about me when I am out late running around Las Vegas, NV with my friends but they know what they taught me and that I will be careful.
I am not a parent, but I was floored when I first heard about you allowing your 9 year old out into the world alone, but the more I heard the other parents talk I realized just how much we do coddle the children of today’s society. I have been to New York and I was surprised at just how wrong the stereotyped New Yorker was, but I would not allow my child (if I had one) to roam free there, but back home, in territory I am familiar with and the child would be familiar, I believe I would be comfortable.
My parents trusted my brother and I, we bother turned out okay. I have friends that asked, “When do you let them go, it is not the same world we grew up in?” They took the step and their children are still alive. My best friends line to her daughters that are currently 12 and 6, “Today is not a good day to get ran over and don’t forget I love you.”
At some point you have to trust your children, and yes they will rebel at some point, but that is just part of childhood. The mother that has the 17 year old that is going off to college who was on Dr. Phil twice before did not get that it was her that was the problem, not the teenager.
A mother who wants to raise their child “free range” is not a mother trying to get out of parenting and I don’t believe that Lenore is going to drop her child off every day in some random part of town, with a $20 and map and say, “Have fun getting home!” It seems to me she is saying that it depends on how sufficient your child is, know where your child is going and trust them to know what to do, surely for those who are “helicopter” parents you have taught your child to use a phone.
*** On a side I note, I find the parents/individuals that are disturbed about “free range” kids and are using foul language amusing. I wonder if those “wonderful parents” use that type of language in front of their children that they are hovering over. ***
I think what your doing is great!!! I grew up in the city. By the age of nine. My brother and I took the bus to downtown Manhattan in order to go to school. People talk about child molesters. At lease we now know where they are, before that information was know. It wasn’t talk about. I think we were more in danger back then. It’s now I keep track of my oldest son. We live upstate and has been jumped three times in the last year. I do believe the city is much safer.
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,?
‘Good Night, John Boy. Good Night,
Dad.’
My Mom
used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting
board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get
food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the
counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school
sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in
ice-pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone
swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about
boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,
and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took PE .. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top
gym shoe’s instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can’t
recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell
us how much safer we are now.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative
attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health
system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and
everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station,
Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah … and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played ‘king of the hill’ on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the
48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it
didn’t sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a
$49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the attorney to sue the contractor
for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn’t act up at the neighbour’s house either because if we did, we got our butt
spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Serge from next door coming over and doing his
tricks on the front porch, just before he fell off. Little did his
Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked
him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a
neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I
knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional
family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We
were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn’t
even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac! How did
we ever survive??
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN’T; SORRY
FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN’T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Love this story, by the way I left my 5 year old boy home alone the other day for an hour, with a few rules of course!
When I got home he was playing with his computer and enjoying a granola bar and drink………..yes he got these
himself! When I got home he said Thanks DAD that was fun!
Norm from B.C.
I saw you on Dr Phil. What a refreshing way to parent! Not sure if I would have let my son ride the subway alone, but it is so nice to hear of a parent that lets a kid be a kid and discover the world on his/her own terms some of the time. My husband and I constantly talk about how it was to be a kid ourselves and be able to ride around or run around the neighborhood unsupervised and how it made us who we are today. My husband has older kids (in their 30’s) and that’s how he raised them. We have a 2 yr old together and I am constantly amazed at the “hover parents’ at the playground. They actually go up on the gym equipment with the kids! My son and I walk around everywhere without a stroller and parents constantly comment about how brave I am. I’m not brave. I just have a very well behaved son who I taught (and teach) constantly about how to be careful and take care of himself. I am a very good mother and consider myself an excellent mom for actually ‘raising ‘ my son not just ‘taking care’ of him. You go girl! Maybe this will start a new movement. Independent kids!!!!!!
I loved the Dr. Phil Show’s topic of extreme parenting. I guess i have been an extreme mother since i first became pregnant 16 years. The first thing i ever did that gave my child respect and trust was having a home birth. From there, hubby and i went on to Attach Parent the kids, breastfeed only, let then eat when they were ready to pull it off our plates and not gag on it (10 or so months), let them learn to walk on their own (11 and 12 months); by goodness, we even let them learn to read on their own! Our daughter was reading the Globe and Mail at age 4!
Now the kids are teens, and with all of the extreme parenting we have subjected them to, they are intelligent, independant, witty, well-spoken and very safe in the “big bad world”. Our daughter travelled to Beijing on her own to visit her aunty when she was 13. She got there just fine and had a blast!
I am truly sure that they are safe. I have raised them to be that way.
I saw your appearance on Dr. Phil and i thought it was AMAZING. Im currently 17 years old and i really agree with your parenting techniques. I watched the show with my mother, and of course she opposed. I never got the type of childhood that your son is now receiving. I have a helicopter mother. I was never able to even walk to my middle school even though it was only 3 or 4 blocks away. My mom was ALWAYS afraid that something would happen to me. I STILL am not free range. Even today if i wanted to walk somewhere, my mom still wouldnt let me walk anywhere because shes afraid something would happen to me. Its almost obsessive compulsive if you ask me. She always watches those forensic file shows and i think thats where she got her paranoia from. BUT i definitely plan on raising my children free range, thats for sure. I believe that children need to have independence to learn to take care of themselves and be responsible. But like many have said, you first have to teach your children about strangers and risks of being by yourself.
I have raised two children to adulthood (26 and 23) and have worked in Jr High for 15 years now…..Some parents are bizarre-paranoid like the ones you were on the show with. This is THE BEST way to raise healthy well adjusted kids. There are bad things that CAN happen— but probally won’t —and isnt it better for them to learn how to move around the world they are in??? Hooray for you and this philosophy! Balance is the key and whether or not your child is READY!!
I ‘m 13 and personally I would like more freedom but COME ON. he’s only 9 and i think thats a bit to young for a child to be wondering around one of the largest cities in America! As I said i’m 13 and even I’m not allowed to walk or ride my bike over to the local Walmart thats only a mile or 2 away. I’m sorry if you feel that the city is safe and strangers would help him if there was any problem but you can’t count on that. Even me knowing my neighborhood and area very well I would never ride the bus to town or walk to school by myself because you never can be sure. If you really think that letting a child ride the bus or the subway to your house thats your problem and I don’t think anybody should antagonize you for your decisions with your own child but remember you have to have it on your heart if he was ubducted or molested. Thats all I have to say. 🙂
To the above response by “Doug” it is sad to see an adult pretending to be a 13 year old. Your vailed attempts to interject your feelings into this conversation is sad at best.
Norm, I thoroughly enjoyed your hilarious account of a beautiful, fun-filled, carefree childhood laced with a healthy dose of respect for parents and other caring adults. It brings back memories of tree swings, wild kittens, and riding on the handlebars of my brothers bike. That is exactly how we raised our seemingly well balanced four sons (and sometimes the neighboing five boys as well). Thanks partly to the farm life, they all have a good work ethic and good jobs. They are in high demand because they are willing to take some calculated risk and accept responsibility. And they also certainly got their hind ends swatted occasionally!
I love this site . . . it’s like a breath of fresh air!
Jon, I thought the same thing. (Which, btw, reminds us that cyber space can be terribly unsafe for children…)
Lenore,
I just wondered why you take some of the responses to this off – I responed the day it was aired on Dr. Phil, but then it was removed – I was curious as to why.
THANK GOODNESS there are other parents out there who believe that society is fricking crazy now.
Those of us who have allowed our children to grow up knowing they can succeed and be safe without us hovering and invading are the parents of the leaders of the future. i am terrified at times when i see all the scare tactics that our society throws at us to make us guilty to allow our children to grow, learn and experience the world naturally.
can you imagine the president’s mother saying ‘oh, you cant go to that summit, you might get molested by some stranger–i have to go with you’
we will have children who can survive when we are not there.
I am a free range kid, and I loved every minute of my younger years. I remember when it was alright to ride my bike to a friend’s house down the street, stay until the streetlamps came on, and ride home. I also walked to my elementary school by myself. I’m still breathing!
Mothers now are very overprotective. Some of my friends’ mothers want to know every little thing they’re doing, and to check in regularly via cell phone. My mother trusts me to be where I say I am, and doesn’t worry about me if I want to walk to a friend’s or the store by myself. I’m also a latch-key kid, so I have a great amount of freedom afterschool, which I enjoy. If my parents were as overbearing as some of my friends’ parents, I might have gone crazy.
I believe in free range kids, because I am one and I’m still breathing, I’m a trustworthy kid, and I’m pretty darn responsible.
Moms without free range kids: STOP SUFFOCATING US! We’re going to be OK even if you don’t follow us in the SUV when we walk to our friend’s house!
I am all for teaching children indepence; my kids are now in their 20’s and they think more clearly and more indepently than most people I know in their 30’s.
However… it’s time to talk about the down side of statistics. Unfortunately, they just don’t tell the whole story. The bottom line is that criminals, all types of criminals, are oportunists. If they see an easy opportunity to commit a crime, they will. If not, they move on. So many of you have posted about how “crazy” today’s parents are by not letting their children out of their sight; but did it never occur to you that this may have something to do with the child molestation/kidnapping rate being at the level it is today??? Can you imagine what the rate would be if kids were roaming the streets like it was 1950?
I guess I just never saw any reason to make it any easier for opportunists to grab my kids. No, I couldn’t watch them 24/7, but I made sure they knew how to watch out for themselves, and I encouraged them to stick together. As it was, when they got older and their school schedules became different, my daughter still ended up having a problem with a stalker. The stalker didn’t bother her when her brother was with her. The police weren’t even a lot of help; my daughter was 16 and very attractive, and the detective who came to our house said the stalker probably just thought she was “hot”.
All I’m saying is, don’t let the numbers fool you. If there are hardly any kids on the street for molesters to grab, then in reality, the percentage of kids who do manage to get grabbed is much too high. Why let your child be one of them?
I don’t know that I would let MY nine year old nephew negotiate the subways in NYC alone, but that’s mostly because he lives in Des Moines, Iowa. NYC would be an unfamilliar and odd place to him. Then again, my particular almost 10 year old nephew would probably have 8 maps in his pocket, at least 3 he made himself of the route, and have memorized the route on google streetview. He just likes to prepare, what can I say?
That said, he is almost old enough to take the city bus places, really only held back by not having friends who are allowed to take the bus places, and being more interested in practicing football in the front yard.
I don’t think his mom has taken the free range ideal as an intentional philosophy, as much as a defense mechanism, the boy would drive her BATTY if she didn’t allow some independence!
That said, he is in an afterschool/before school program for kids with working moms, and they won’t even LET him walk to and from school. It isn’t his mom, she’d MUCH rather just let him walk to school (as he begs to) and home again, but the program mandates that kids be picked up and dropped off. What a pain in the neck!
I have a nine year old daughter and we live in a very small town of less than 3500 in the Midwest. I grew up in NY city and the suburbs of NYC and can tell you I had far more liberties than my daughter does now. I am a little reluctant to extend too much freedom to her as I was taken advantage of when I was a child. But I have on occassion left her alone at home with the dog and her cell phone.
I’m a week away from my 17th birthday.
Personally, I think I would be a lot worse off had my mother not let me run around outside as a kid.
A park I loved is just outside of my backyard, half in sight, half out of sight. I spent the better part of my child hood there, with an occasional glance from my mother or father.
Currently, so long as I have my cellphone, I can stay out late and do as I please. When I get home, Im quiet going to bed and make sure to lock the door.
I think it is rediculous to keep a child close to your side all the time. I will be going to university soon and, if we had the money, Id be living on res by myself.
Parents need to slowly give their kids more chances of being alone starting from a young age. Know your neighbors, talk to your kids, make sure they know you’re open and let them be who they are. Take care of them, teach them, but let them get lost a street over from yours, let them walk a mile to a friends house. Let them, dare I say it, take the bus.
I am proud of who I am, and I owe it all to my parents and their openness and honesty towards me.
That’s just a kids point of view.
Lenore, YOU ARE A GENIOUS! Lots and lots of KUDOS to you. I am a first time mom (31yrs old) of a 5yr old boy. I just caught you for the first time on Dr Phil the other day. I immediately had to check out your website. Thank God I’m convinced now that I’m not crazy! Cautious Mom, I am; however, I love your free range movement. When did I become the odd one out when I can honestly say that my 5yr old has NO idea how to play a video game! Yes, that is God’s honest truth (*gasp*)!!! My son, just yesterday, learned about WII…and only from my vague recollection of seeing it in magazines and maybe a TV add or two. I actually coudn’t even tell you how that thing works!
HOWEVER, I CAN tell you that I know how it is to walk into my 5yr old’s room with his giggling, knowing very well that he has yet ANOTHER frog in his pocket which he’s found in our vast backyard….all by himself! I can tell you how he’s gained confidence in himself when he’s finally crossed the tallest monkey bars and made it “all the way across” and then plumets to the ground from 15 feet in the air. Yes, my boy is one of adventures, outdoors and a variety of risks from climbing to the very top of the monkey bar dome and flipping off (*gasp*) to building a ramp so he could be a “trickster on my bike Mommy”!!! I let my little guy explore the world, I let him get dirty, he took off his training wheels at 4 yrs old, I even let him go to the end of the street by himself.
We’ve started kindergarten this year and he’s made a new friend. However, he’s so confused by him. Where my son will stay outside from morning to night in any season if it was up to him, all his friend wants to do is play video games. I’m happy to report that I’ve dubbed the old time “you have to be in when the street lights come on” motto. And even now I’m catching flack for this as his newest funtime is “night exploration”!!
His friend couldn’t make it to the end of the street on one of my son’s bikes, and my son couldn’t for the life of him understand why he had to stop and wait for his tired friend when they’d just gone down to the stop sign and hadn’t even really started bike riding yet!
So I agree Lenore, why in the world do our TODDLERS know how to work a DVD, computer, cell phone and WII, yet they are winded to get on a bike and go to the corner? Truth be told, I never even knew this boy lived across the street from me as I’ve NEVER seen him outside!!!
I’ve taught my child the fundamentals. I’ve taught stranger danger, boundaries, respect and good ol’ common sense. To tell you the truth, I’m not quite sure how we got SO VERY FAR from these fundamentals of how we grew up to how we raise kids these days in such a short time span. I think somewhere along the line you have to get back to basics to realize that in order to have your child “be somebody” YOU have to teach them how to be self sufficient!!! This requires confidence, security and self worth. Last time I checked, I couldn’t find those on line, in a DVD or behind some virtual video game. You find those values by life experience. By trial and error, by making mistakes and knowing indeed you can also find the solution! By putting down your cell phone and engaging with your child. By promoting wold and self exploration. So call me crazy, but I’m happy to report that I have a rather functional, wonderous 5yr old who’d rather go outside and find an adventure vs playing video games. And I’m perfectly content with him climbing his tree and looking out at the world from the top! After all, it’s a heck of a view!!
I still say each parent knows their child best. I don’t think there is any “cookie cutter” way or “movement” that works for all children. I think perhaps a little more understanding and less judging would go a long way.
I see people on this site saying someone has no right to have kids because they are “free range”. Also, “free rangers” saying kids with “helicopter” parents will be less confident and they will not be leaders of the future.
I don’t know that there is any empirical evidence of either of these statements. But I do know, they are cruel and unnecessary. Each parent is doing what they think is best. I don’t think we can expect any more than that. No one should tell someone that they do not deserve children. And no one should tell someone their kids will be slackers or followers and that’s the best they will do. Personally, my son is autistic so sure he has limitations and challenges. More than likely he will not be a leader. But, I don’t need anyone to remind me of that or chime in with their unsolicited opinion. It hurts. Okay. Raising a “special needs” child is not as easy as I think some people believe it to be. I understand people are passionate about raising kids. I am. My first post I was upset that some people thought I should raise my son differently. Plus, selfishly, it seemed to me to be alot of complaining from people who I would beg and plead to have the problems they have instead of mine. I was wrong for having that attitude and I know that now. Meeting a child with terminal leukemia gave me alot of perspective. I am confident I know my son better than anyone else. I am raising him to be a fun, sweet, smart young boy. So far, it’s working pretty good. He is not where you would expect an 11 year old to be but he is getting there. I say each parent just do your best.
You love your kids and want what’s best for them. For the rest of us, maybe we should stay out of it. If a child is “free range” Bully for them and their parents! If a parent is more cautious or “helicoptering”, I say that parent must have their reasons and best of luck to them. Keep doing what works for you.You never really know where a parent or child might be coming from so let’s hold off the judgement. If you haven’t taken a walk in their shoes, well then you don’t reall know where they have been or where they are going. Good luck to all parents and children!
To Rose:
I also have a 4 year old son, and consider myself in the “free range” mentality, But I too say the broken record phrases: Stay there. Don’t just run out into the parking lot. Walk next to me. Yadda yadda.
I still have to teach him to be aware of his surroundings. The learning only come from repetition, and, at age 4, he doesn’t realize that cars may not see him and stop for him, so he needs to be vigilant. I guess the difference is I don’t PANIC about it. It’s not a frantic “stay next to me or god knows WHAT could happen”! It’s just good sense. In a year or so, I am hoping my lessons will sink in so he doesn’t need mom reminding him.
Free Range is about teaching your child. Opponents seem to think that we teach them nothing, toss them out the door and say “here ya go!”
As far as sending him out to play, it depends where we are. At my father’s house, a quiet cul-de-sac, he runs in and out all day. I don’t watch him. If it’s been a while since I’ve heard from him I’ll call him, and he’s always nearby. But at my apartment building, it’s mostly busy parking lot. I’m not confident yet in his ability to be safe with lots of cars coming in and out. So, I don’t just let him out by himself yet. Not to mention, he would have to “buzz” the door to get back in, the mechanics of which I am not confident he knows 100% and he might dissolve into tears when he forgets that he can just buzz me 🙂
I guess it”s all about knowing your son, and giving him leeway when you feel he may be ready. I think my not letting him out at our apartment, at this point in time, is prudent. But, for example, it would be OVERprotecting if I still did it at age 7, if he’s shown me that he can handle it, and if the motivation behind forbidding him was my own irrational fear and nothing to do with his competence.
To Carla:
My “eternal job”? Even when my son’s forty? I don’t think so. You also jumped to conclusions regarding Lenore. She did her research and took into consideration her son’s maturity level. It was a one-time “test” if you will, one that he wanted and truth be told, he passed with flying colors. This was not a careless, spur-of-the-moment event.
You say she deosn’t deserve her children, which is rather heartless. It’s not black and white, as you and many opponents seem to think. You seem to have this vision af selfish parents completely neglecting their children and purposely putting them in bad situations they can’t handle.
Independence and trust must be given to children in order for them to grow and become self-reliant, confident adults. But this trust definitely must be earned. I’m sure if Lenore thought her son reckless and immature, she’d never have allowed it, free range or not. Or, if her son had behaved foolishly on this excursion, I’m sure it wouldn’t have happened again for a long time. Are parents like you really so blinded by fear that you feel that no parents’ instincts can ever be trusted?
We live .7 of a mile from our elementary school. We have 3 children, and since the age of 3 we have walked the route many times. By the time they reach 3rd grade they are allowed to walk most of the way on their own (our main street is also part of the state highway system – 2 lanes, but at times a lot of traffic). By the middle of their 3rd grade year or 4th grade they are allow to walk on their own (as long as they meet condition # 2 listed below).
We’ve practiced the “how to’s” concerning smart safety on camping trips, when riding our bikes, or in many differrent situations. Our two oldest are allowed to ride their bikes around town without us. I’ve actually been fussed at by other parents as to how I could let them do that. As parents we have to teach our children 1. to listen to your sixth sense 2. with privilege comes responsibility 3. and to be smart not only for yourself but for the other person (referring to drivers). Our oldest is only 10, but we are so proud of him and of his siblings. My husband and I thought we were the only ones around who had this old fashion common sense. We laughed the day that someone scolded us for letting our children play in our fenced in backyard with out an adult present. (The fence came with the house – it has been an important safety measure with the busy road – thank goodness there is a 3 acre field behind us for the kids to wander in!)
Only was able to see 5 minutes of the Dr. Phil show – but I did hear about the subway ride earlier in the year. I grew up outside a large city – I rode my bike everywhere – and I just keep reminding myself of that when I get in a conversation with the overly nervous moms/dads.
“Good parents grow to be useless.” You are doing the right thing, Lenore. It’s gotten to the point where people in general are scared of everything, and seem to have abandoned (or lost) plain common sense.
I walked to school from second grade on (before that I was in a private school quite a distance away). We had crossing guards only at the intersections immediate to the school. After that, we had to rely on the magic of staying out of the street and paying attention to traffic to avoid being mown down by a car.
The only kid I ever knew to be hit by a car had always ridden the school bus. You know: Those big orange things past which–if stopped–cars must not go. She’d never had to bother herself with watching for traffic (cars have to stop for those buses), and sure enough, she set out across a busy street without ever looking for oncoming cars. Very sad that she was hit; very sad that she never learned that traffic may or may not come to a screeching halt on her account.
I’m glad you’re not crippling your children. Your son is an obviously bright and well-gathered little chap. I wish the best for you all.
We live in a tiny town on the border of Pittsbugh, PA. My son was a free range kid – before I ever heard of the term. All of the kids in our town walk – to school, the park, friends’ homes, etc. It’s the kind of place where people keep an eye on each other’s kids.
What many people don’t understand is that you don’t just dump a five year old in the middle of a city to fend for himself. You have to TEACH them about life, right from the beginning. Your job is not to protect your kids from life. Your job is to teach them how to handle it.
When he was 3, his boundary was our yard. The boundary increased a little each year. By the time he was in high school, he just had to let us know if he was leaving our town.
When my son was 10, we visited Manhattan. I told him to figure out how to navigatge the subway system and the ferries to get us to Ellis Island. We were with him, but he figured it out by himself.
Now my son is 18 and just went off to college in Philadelphia. My husband and I – and our son – are all confident that he can take care of himself and handle whatever comes his way.
He will take advantage of wonderful opportunites while other kids will whine for their mommies. We’re still here for help and advice, and he does ask for it from time to time.
Overprotective parents are deliberately crippling their kids in order to make themselves feel more important.
I am the mother of a very independant 4 year old. The only thing my daughter wanted for her birthday this past July was to start dance lessons. I called a local studio and set up an appointment to visit the studio. I met with the instructor and asked all the necessary questions.
Audrey was in love!!
Off and on for the three weeks I had her practice at home how to put on her tap shoes (snaps were not her strong point), how to take on and off her leotard and tights (incase she had to potty) and told her Never not to leave the class room or waiting area with anyone other than myself, her dad or grandparents.
Finally the first day of class came . There she stood confident in her black leotard, white tights and pink ballet shoes. As I stood in the waiting area, she walked into her class and she waved “Bye Mommy, call Grannie and tell her not to forget me, I will be waiting for her.”
I was able to walk out of the room of other children crying and clinging to their parents with the confidence that my child could do it by herself without me. Did I have a moment of being a “bad mom”? Yes, for about 3 seconds, until I remembered the first time I went to ballet class by myself.
Now to this subject, my oldest is only 4 so would I allow her the same experience that you allowed Izzy, will I allow her to ride her bike to the park or library by herself, will I allow her to roam free. I don’t know but I think it is about education and trust. We – as parents – need to educate our children to be able to take life head on and to contribute to society. Then we need to trust that our children learned from us and trust that we – as parents – did our job.
Way to go! I remember when I was a kid (5th grade) and it was normal for me to ride my bike 2 or 3 miles to my friends house or go to the store on my own to buy ice cream or a soda, it was NORMAL and OK and SAFE the only difference between then and now is the volume of information available through the internet, we are now afraid because somebody told us we should be afraid based on some statistic about sexual predators. Our kids are not dumb! yet we treat them that way when it comes to being safe. Teach your kids in the way they should go and they will not depart from it. Since when have we become afraid to live our lives and let our kids live their lives! WE are to provide our kids a great life and a safe life, safe does not mean hovering it means setting the conditions so that your child can get the MOST out of life – educate them, they can do it!!!
Proud Father of 2 independent children
Ur awesome. My mom is free range mom because she wasn’t a “free range kid”. My mother gave me free range, but with guidance. I didn’t turn out bad. One of the main reasons i joined the military is because i had to leave and live life. That’s my mother’s favorite quote. Live life to the fullest because she couldn’t. She had her first kid at 15. So by staying home I felt that it would hold me down and didn’t have a clue where to go. My parents didn’t have money to help me out with college or start a business. Nor did i had the right attitude to procedd anything because all of my dreams were squash due to no support from my father and no guidance from anyone so i choice my path. I graduated highschool with a 3.4 and joined the Marines 5 days after graduation and 2 days after my 18th birthday , i was in the Marines. I have learned alot. That the only person that cares for yourself the most is yourself.
Now, I am Sergeant in the Marine Corps with supervisors that are like hovering parents…always trying to figure out what and how you are doing about your task. We call that “micro-managing”. It kills me to see that people do not trust the abilities of others around him or her.
i say this to all the parents out there. DON’T LET THEM RUN FREE WITH OUT ANY GUIDANCE OR THEY WILL BE LOST IN SOCIET.
THANK YOU,
ALEX
I remember walking (with friends) since the age of 5 in a suburb of Los Angeles. I miss the sight of kids on the streets today and I feel paranoia has set in. There is no increase in sex offenders, street crime or anything else that should instill fear amongst our children or their parents. The reality is, that with proper preparation we can actually do more for our children by allowing them to walk on their own rather than sheltering them for the rest of their lives. We need to provide them with the skills on how to approach difficult situations with strangers and how to navigate their own neighborhoods. Talk to your children, team them up with some friends and allow them to learn to get to know their neighborhood and get outside.
Being the parent of three ADHD/ODD boys i think you are very foolish, while being a exteme parent is as crazy there should be limits to what a child under 13 is allowed to do, even teens should be supervised! I think you are putting your child at risk, while he may know stranger danger there is nothing to stop a molester or killer to just grab you child and take of. And your thoughts on the fact that people around your child would help is wrong, people honestly don’t want to get involved anymore!
I was thrilled to finally here the story about your son. I raised my oldest (22) son freerange and am raising my 9 year old the same way. I moved to the DFW metro plex this summer and my friends were shocked when I said my youngest would be walking to and from school each day. He has to walk three blocks. He has done great. I teach high school and helicopter parenting is ramped. Parents need to wake up and realize they have to let their kids take on some responsibilities once they get that age. Parents demand to be able to intervene on the child behave and fix any potential problem. It is said to say the public school systems have bought into it. Yes the constant coddling and indulging of our youth is out of hand and maybe this whole freerangekids conversation will shine a light on the problem and start the pendelum moving back to the middle.
Keep up the good work parents who don’t raise their children to believe horror waits them around every corner. Continue to nurture some independent thinking and acting kids children who realize it is okay not to be paranoid about life.
I am a 47 year old female whose parents believed in the concept of allowing me to be a “free range child” in the 60’s. Both of my parent were born and raised in NYC and believed that they taught me how to handle myself in our nice safe NJ suburb. All that was fine until I was grabbed in a baseball field in the middle of the day by a child molester. Granted my parents taught me how to defend myself, and I survived the ordeal, however I went into the baseball field a child and came out an adult. Perhaps these helicopter moms know what evil lurks in the community and they are trying to prevent their children from experiencing the same heartache. I have always thought of myself as a survivor, but recently I have come to believe that one incident took away my innocence and childhood and that I was a victim. Helicopter moms unite!!
Wake up! Times have changed. The majority of your ideas are irresponsible and far-fetched. The advice you give is dangerous, and I hope you will someday realize the how utterly serious the consequences could be before you begin to regret it. Stop living in a dream world, and stop sucking other parents into it! It scares me to think of how oblivious you are. Contrary to what you may believe, you CAN raise an independent, highly intelligent child without risking their safety. Trust me! It’s been done! Reading some of these ridiculous comments sickens me- do your likeminded parents not realize that their parenting styles are not limited to the two polar opposites of either being a ‘free range mom’ or a ‘helicopter mom’ (so sick of seeing this dumb terms!)?! There IS a happy medium, and your drastic, closed-minded point of view just does not cut it.
Good for you. parents handicap children and leave them unprotected in cases of emergency. your son know how to get home How to get to a place of safety and I am sure is honing skills to be able to judge the
character of people. the only thing i would have liked is for him to have a cell phone. i say you are an excellent mother and among the best.
I really love the idea of raising free range kids. I have three kids: Boy (10), Girl 1 (6), and Girl 2 (5). Here’s my main delima–Boy was diagnosed with epilepsy almost 2 years ago. But it’s been over a year without a seizure.
I still plan on being as free range as possible. I take precautions that I think are good. I have let my son walk around the neighborhood with one of his sisters. Might seem weird, but the younger sibling is keeping an eye on the older one as much as the older one is watching out for the younger.
We have kids in the neighborhood now that come over here and my kids go over to their house. It is hours without seeing my own kids some days. And it’s great. I think that my mom was only able to keep her sanity because every once in awhile she just said, “go play” and made us get the heck out of her house for the day.
I finally felt comfortable leaving all three kids home alone for about 15 minutes. I wish I could do this more, but we do have the circumstances that we have. I try not to let the medical thing become my crutch because down deep I am paranoid.
In a few months our city will have a light rail system and guess what? It goes really close to our house to really close to the kids’ school! And we (the dad & I) plan on teaching the kids how to use it and eventually we can let the kids go by themselves (apparently the light rail has some rules about kids we will have to work around). I will probably get Boy a bracelet with some basic health info on it just in case something were to happen.
I will enjoy this site as a way to remind myself to let my kids be kids. And not to let my son’s issue keep him from a good amount of healthy free rangin’.
What you helicopter parents don’t understand is that your children will one day be adults. My husband teaches college, and I am positively SHOCKED by the number of calls from parents he gets- parents who are angry about their adult offspring’s grades, even parents who object to his course materials. These are ADULTS- they can move out on their own, they can vote, they can be charged as an adult should they commit a crime, and these parents cannot cut the cord because they’ve been hovering over their children all their lives. I’m not talking about one or two calls either…he gets at least 4 or 5 PER SEMESTER.
I am only 28 years old, and when I was a child I had free range over my neighborhood, as did all the other children nearby. It makes me want to cry that you never see children outside anymore (contributing significantly to the growing childhood obesity rate, I’m willing to bet). Last Halloween, my husband and I were utterly shocked at how few children were out as we trick-or-treated with his 8-year old son- we discovered that, apparently, trick-or-treating has become “too dangerous,” and kids go to parties on Halloween, instead. We’re stealing our children’s childhoods with our own fear…what, are we going to keep them off of Santa’s lap for fear that he’s a child molester next!?
I plan on giving my own children as much freedom as I can, though, unfortunately, they will apparently be the only children outside. But it’s my opinion that this over-concern for children’s safety has gone too far, and I’ll take the very small risk of danger for my children to feel capable and independent.
Are you people INSANE??? I swear if I ever see anyone of you on the news because your kids have been kidnapped or shot just being at the wrong place at the wrong time…I wont be remorseful. Because it will be your fault.. You had these kids so take care of them, if you wanted an adult you should have adopted not putting your children in danger. How in the hell are some of you not in jail for child neglect? This weekend my husbands friends step son was SHOT WALKING TO SCHOOL…You know the police said he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. So, remember that when your 9 year old is on the subway you stupid people.
Letting your 5 year old stay at home alone is child neglect…LOOK IT UP!!! Its not 1980 anymore, its not safe for your kids to play outside and BE HOME BEFORE THE STREET LIGHTS WERE ON…Like it was when I was a kid.
I just saw my tivoed Dr. Phil with Lenore and I thought it was WONDERFUL! I have a great personal example that just happened to me yesterday. I was at a story time/sing song class at the library and there were about 30 moms with their 8month to 16 month olds. At the beginning of the class the librarian said to let the kids roam around, crawl, walk, scream, whatever they like to do. I was like ALL RIGHT, because my little 10 month old is a wiggle worm (like mom) and doesn’t just sit in my lap. For some reason I was the only mother listening because my child was the only one crawling around the middle of the circle clapping and singing and having a great time. The other kids were like held in their mother’s laps and just didnt really look like they were having that much fun. My daughter even crawled right into the librarian’s lap – much to her delight!
After the class almost half of the moms came up to me asking me how I got my daughter to be so outgoing and fun and happy. I even had one mom ask me, “Did you train her to be that way?” I was thinking – she’s 10 months old, how could I train her to do anything!!! I just said I have a very laid back attitude. What I was thinking was that I am not a hover mom like you hehe.
No seriously though, I am not in anyway perfect. But I do believe in letting my child live and allowing myself to still be myself. There are so many times where I find parents telling their child not to touch my daughter when we are in music class or at the playground because they….. well I dont know why they do it! I mean they are children for goodness sake! let them explore on their own!! I know my daughter is only 10 months old but I feel like my laid back attitude has allowed her to feel independent at under 1 year. And I seem to get millions of compliments on it.
Anyways – Lenore you rock! When I saw the whole thing on Dr. Phil about the subway I thought it was awesome. I remember riding my bike to the pool and spending the entire day there, or at the mall or something probably starting at about your son’s age. Its great. No wonder there are so many moms on the verge of a mental breakdown – they have no time to be themselves because they are too busy hovering over their child.
Yay free range kids!
I saw you on Dr. Phil today, Lenore, and I have to tell you that I jumped for joy.
Thank God, I said, someone with some common sense talking about this issue.
I have often wondered what the children of today are going to do when they actually have to go out into the world alone…or will they never leave home because their parents have made them feel as if they are completely inept and cannot live on their own.
Much of this over protectiveness started because of the media having grabbed hold of “sex offender” stories to gain ratings. If you ask people on the street what their biggest fear for their child is, I’m guessing 8 out of 10 would say, “sexual predators”.
Please take the time to research this subject, and you will find out that the media has GREATLY exaggerated this risk.
Also, Dr. Phil said something today that I hope resonates in people’s minds and that is that the best way to protect a child is to teach them to self protect. Children must be taught how to care for themselves and how to deal with situations themselves. An earlier comment noted some children who’d gone off and fell through a pond and drowned because the ice was too thin. She claims you are teaching people something that will endanger their children’s lives. Yet in the next breath she says why this tragedy really happened.
I quote: “If they had been given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive.”
I wonder, is it just easier to keep children under our wing and in our sight every single minute than it is to discipline them and educate them and set some rules?
My parents didn’t suffocate me, and I didn’t suffocate mine. Children cannot grow up to be independent adults if everything in the world is taken care of or done for them.
I watch my 2 and 1/2 year old grandson every day now while his parents work. Today, upon returning to the house from a trip to the store, he wanted to sit on the running board on the passenger side of the van, as I was carrying in groceries. It was so funny to watch him talking to no one. I could see him from the kitchen window as I put the groceries away. He was never out of my sight, but he THOUGHT he was, and I could see his little chest puff out as he realized he was alone and he was OK. I watched him sit there and talk to his imaginary buddy for about 20 minutes. While that may not seem to be much, seeing as I could see him every minute, he IS only 2 and 1/2…and I don’t know of another mother who would have done that and who wouldn’t have scolded ME for doing it.
My grandson will be raised the same way I was and my parents were, there parents before them, and my own children were raised. I know of no other way to instill confidence in him so that he will grow up a capable, independent young man.
Helecopter Moms are raising paranoid, afraid of their own shadow children. Then they will have the audacity to look surprised when the kid never leaves home, or tries to leave home but continually comes back because they haven’t a clue one how to deal with reality.
Today my grandson decided he was going to use my bed as a trampoline. He found out what can happen when you do that by jumping too close to the wall, and banging his head against it. I waited for what I thought was going to be an inevitable “wail” out of him. Instead I heard him giggle and get up for more.
Dear God, people, let your children enjoy life and grow up with more memories than being in Mommy’s shadow. Everything needs sunlight to grow…
Rose,
I don’t think you are overparenting to be where you can hear your 4 year old in the bath tub. I did that myself. My grandson, the 2 and 1/2 year old gets to play in the bath after I’ve bathed him, and he doesn’t know it, but I’m right outside the door, just beyond his eyesight. This helps instill confidence in them, but you are close enough to keep a catastrophe from happening. At least that’s my take on it.
I didn’t allow my children to cross the street or even walk on the sidewalk with me without holding my hand, at 4 years of age either. Once they started school, (they both were going to be walkers), I worked with them the entire summer beforehand on street safety, as well as had them attend a street safety program that their elementary school does each year. They set up a small community of streets, complete with stoplights, stop signs etc. and use that to teach children how to safely cross streets. They also had a school bus in the school yard and taught them how to safely get on and off of a school bus.
For a short while after school started, I would watch them walk without their knowing it. I watched how they handled themselves at the one intersection they had to traverse…there was a crossing gaurd which I had taught them they must obey, but I wanted to see if they WERE doing what they were told to do and they were.
At least you realize the benefits of “free range” and are open to it. Come along as slowly as you must, you’ll soon be making progress.
I’m currently struggling with the dilemma of letting my son walk the dog outside our apartment and play outside with a friend. He’s eight and has always pretty much been supervise.
I also came from the play outside with your buddies from dawn to dusk. I think my mom even had a rule that we could only come inside for drinks and lunch.
I live in a suburban apartment community near D.C., and live in a gated community.
My feeling is it’s safe, but I also think that times have really changed. With no parents at home anymore really, there isn’t that feeling that somebody’s parents have an eye out. Everybody these days keeps to themeselves, doesn’t know their neighbors, etc. That creates the climate of fear and distrust that leads us to be helicopter parents.
I really think if we make an effort to know our neighbors (you know there was always that “weird guy” down the street who you didn’t talk to or trick or treat etc…), teach your kids street smarts, give them good boundaries…(you can’t leave the yard, you can’t go off our street, etc).
So now I have to figure it out. I asked my son today…do you think you’d like to go out and play by yourself or with friends? His response made me sad. “Mom, somebody might hurt me.” Then I said, there aren’t a lot of bad people out there, and if you’re afraid you can run. And I told him I wouldnt let him play by himself, but with a friend. He asked if I can go with him the first time.
So I guess we’ll see. I’d like to give my son some of the independence I had as a child, but I do realize I don’t live in the idylic country neighborhood where I grew up, and I don’t know my neighbors, and I’m not around a lot (single mom, working…what time?).
I think this site is great…it’s a conversation parents across this country need to be having. We need to be more accountable for giving our kids independence.
The early comment from the Sibling whose brothers drowned was incredibly sad but I don’t agree that tragedy means children should never be allowed out alone.
I went out with friends as a child (definitely free-range!) including to isolated ponds but we didn’t slide on the ice as we had been told in no uncertain terms exactly what could happen if we did.
Teaching your child what they can and can’t do is fine – telling them why is the icing on the cake. That makes them understand consequences and makes wise kids.
I love this blog – it’s so near to my heart and I thank Leore for putting her head above the parapet
I salute you for brining some sense into the discussion of American parenting. I call it “American”, because, as a North European, it could not be further away from how we understand it. This “over-protecting” parenting needs to be questioned, and it should seriously be addressed whether parents are making their children grow up to be unaware, dependent and, worst of all, scared of all the normal everyday things in life.
My husband and I are moving to New York and have been wondering whether we will be prosecuted in the US for being too liberal as parents. I just don’t want my child growing up to scared. Thank you for great tips and a fresh view.
(And for the record, we have lived in Hong Kong, London and Washington DC, so not unfamiliar with the big town vibes.)
As someone whose 5th birthday gift was a trip all by myself on the Greyhound to visit my grandmother 150 miles away, I say “Hurrah!” My mother raised us in a style she referred to as “supervised neglect” and it taught us independence and resourcefulness. I’ve tried to be the same kind of parent, and have a well adjusted adult son who grew up with lots of freedom and the ability to make good decisions. Here’s to the Free Range lifestyle for kids!
hey, daytonsmom, why don’t you crawl back under the bed with your kid and continue quivering in fear? I only assume that that’s the only “right place” to be for you.
So that kid was shot on his way to school. Are his parents to blame? According to your logic, yes! I guess maybe if they had driven him every day and sent a security guard into school with him to make sure he sat down at his desk he would still be alive. Oh, but then you have school shooters! Kids aren’t even safe inside the school. And, terrorists could always bomb the school too.
Bad things happen to kids and adults all the time. A kid at my school was run over by a school bus (she survived). Do you think my town banished all buses and made parents drive their kids from then on? No, because ONE unfortunate incident does not mean that the world is completely unsafe. Your stupid, insulting comments show that you know nothing about the background of how and why Lenore let her son ride the subway. And your heartless words about how you wouldn’t feel bad to see Izzy (or a kid like him) die just to prove your paranoid theories correct really makes me fear for your humanity.
Oh, definitely FOR. I know it’s a safe world. I will not be paranoid in my own home, in my own neighborhood, in my own city.
A plane could come from the sky and crash into my home, but I can’t spend all day on the front porch looking up.
My children have played alone in the fenced back yard from toddlerhood, ventured into the neighborhood to walk to friends’ homes by around 5, and definitely walk to school starting in kindergarten. My 12 year old was able to bike to the city to get McD’s or see friends, now he’s 15 and has free reign to go wherever he wants, wherever he can get (without a license – yet!).
It’s so nice to live in such a safe world.
FOR! But I also recognize that raising free and adventurous and responsible kids is not easy; it means swimming upstream against today’s overprotective parenting culture and our general media-induced paranoia. It takes a certain amount of courage and faith. I’d been wrestling with some of these same issues in my own blog, and a friend’s comment pointed me here. It’s nice to feel you’re not alone, so thanks for speaking up so publically and effectively.
I saw you on Dr. Phil and while I wasn’t 100% in agreement with your decision, it’s a different thing to have a NYC kid take the subway’s, etc. home then to have an out of town kid do the same. I mean, NYC is his hometown, regardless of how many people think it’s dangerous. That is the environment he grew up in, so it’s normal to him. As it was to me, growing up in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. The difference though is that in 1971 I walked to my Catholic school alone, was abducted, taken to the roof of a building an molested in clear view of my school, and was afraid for my life – not only because the young man who abducted me could easily have tossed my 6 yr old self off the roof, but because my mom told me to take another road (Take 3rd ave, not 4th) and I disobeyed her. While I got home “safely” and for the rest of my childhood was “free-range” I cannot say it was as safe as you are purporting it to be. Fact is the world has changed since we were kids. The “crazies” are all out of the closet and more dangerous than they used to be. And they are not all “out there”, as most of them have families either of their own or of relation where they can easily prey on their own neices/nephews, etc.
Personally I think it would be great to live in a world where the dangers do not outweigh the risk. But that is not our world. As Dr. Phil pointed out, there were 350 pedophiles w/i the route that your son took home that day. While he got home safely and most likely will continue to, I would rather play my odds in Vegas and not with my kids health or safety.
Also, when we were kids molestations and abductions were not reported openly as they are now. John Walsh’ son was taken from a Sears store, Samantha Runyon was abducted right in front of her home. Jessica Lundsford, Elizabeth Smart….these are kids whose names come to mind when I think of letting my kids run around w/o supervision and trusting the world around them. This doesn’t mean that I think they should be dependent upon me for everything like your counterpart on Dr. Phil. I would never think of being up my kid’s rearend like that. But there is a measure of balance that is necessary. Most people do not care about other’s these days and I wouldn’t trust the community in Walmart or anywhere else enough to save my girls if they were in danger. But I do teach them about where they live, what to look out for, what they should do if we are separated or if they feel endangered. This is out of protection, not control. They need to know that there parents are here to help them and we will each, as different families, chose the way to do that for them.
In the end, I don’t know that I am against free-range kids. While it is not for our family, I can see why parents want to choose this for their own kids. All I know is that my kids will be raised with the love, encouragement, support and protection they deserve as I am sure most of yours will be as well.
God bless!
Hooray for freedom for kids! They gotta be independent some day! Some of my friends freak out that my 12- year – old is actually permitted to (gasp) ride her bike 1/2 mile to Dairy Queen (on the sidewalk, wearing a helmet) and have ice cream. If she has saved her allowance she can even (omg) go into the arcade next door to DQ and play some games! We can only protect our kids so much. She carries her phone. Wears a bike helmet. Knows not to go with a stranger. She knows how to stay home herself, how to cross the street to the deli and get a sandwich, and how to call me, a neighbor ,or, if in public, scream her head off if she is in danger. I have also taught her how to pick up the phone and schedule a doctor’s appointment or haircut. It is great that I can call her from work and tell her to please walk accross the street to the store and buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk so I don’t have to stop at the store on the way home. She is allowed to go to the mall and shop with her friends. I have raised my daughter to make good desicions and I trust her judgement. Ok, yeah there are bad people out there, but I will not allow my child to live her life in fear. The whole key is TEACHING your child to be independent. You start out in the grocery store when they are maybe 6 and you allow them to go one aisle over and pick out their cookies. Maybe when they are 8 or 9 you wait out in the car or even just by the door to the store and allow them to go buy a pack of gum. Independence is increased incrementally. Helicopter Moms are doing their children a disservice by not allowing their children to acquire LIFE SKILLS.
Sorry, but I truly think that leaving a nine-year-old in New York City by himself is completely inappropriate. I know I really shouldn’t be telling you how to raise your kids – I’m not trying to do that – but that’s my opinion.
However, I do agree with some of the things you’re saying! At the age of say 12 or 13 it is, in most cases, appropriate for the child to walk/bike to the local store. I’m undecided on taking public transport though.
Bravo for your efforts to bring some common sense back into parenting!
We live in a small mid-western town of about 13,000. Although it has since grown, when we purchased our home, our neighborhood consisted of 2 cul-de-sacs and 2 dead-ends, a total of about 30 homes. My son quickly made friends with other boys his age (7 at the time). We soon found out that other families did NOT subscribe to the relaxed parenting that we do. Although the neighborhood bike path literally ran across our back yard, other kids were not allowed to come to our house- it was too close to the highway, though it was an empty lot and large ditch away from our house. One family would not allow their 7yo to play in her own yard without an adult. As my son grew, he was given permission to explore the field behind our neighborhood. At age 10 no other kid in the neighborhood was allowed to join him. Now at age 14, he’s the only kid allowed to ride his bike around town, which has bike paths along all the major roads. My boys are allowed to ride bikes to the DQ, public swimming beach, major discount store, and get sent to the grocery store. But they go alone. Not one other kid is allowed to join them.
We chose this small town specifically for the opportunity for our kids to have the freedom to roam, with a variety of places to roam to. We previously had lived on military bases where most kids enjoy such options. It was really disheartening to learn that the civilian world is so afraid of a little freedom.
I have two boys one is 21 and the other is 16. I have raised them to be independent, “free range”.
I will just write about the older one since his younger brother is on the same game plan. I would take him to the bus stop all through kindergarten and a month or two into first grade. After that he walked the block to the bus stop and walked home. I assessed all the risks for my town. Obviously it will be different for you. At 13, he would watch younger brother after school until I returned from work.
When he got his license, I would let him (after a six month mom probation) drive back and forth to school. He would assist me by always calling before he came home and ask if he needed to pick up anything at the store…which is more than my ex would ever consider. He held his first job at the local supermarket for two years and only called in once. The only reason he left, is he wanted to work at a marine supply store. I have some co-workers that aren’t even close to being that responsible.
I was never prouder than when I dropped him off at college. He was excited to go. He had all the social skills to be successful. He could do laundry, solve his own problems and make intelligent decisions. After moving him into his room, we walked the campus and had lunch. After lunch I turned to him and said
“ do you want me to hang around”? To which he whole heartedly replied, “no”. I know some of the other parents heard me and were aghast as to how I could do such a thing to my child. I was letting him be the adult I raised him to be.
Remember…your children will grow up, most will leave the house. They will have to look for a job, rent an apartment and get from point A to point B, to note a few. You do your children a disservice by not letting the “rope” out as they mature. Our job as parents, is to help them become responsible adults and for them to live their own lives.
To daytonsmom’s statement “You had these kids so take care of them, if you wanted an adult you should have adopted not putting your children in danger.”
Now how exactly do you propose that children GROW to become adults???? Does it just magically happen when they hit 18 or 21 or whatever age after so many years of being coddled like a newborn??
Please explain where “Adults” come from so I can understand……..
I read your article in Reader’s Digest and I absolutely applaude your decision to raise a free range kid.
People think it’s strange that I choose to be a free-range woman, and that tells me that people are in general too afraid. Why, as an adult, should I be afraid of navigating the world I live in?
I was raised by a protective mother and yet still managed to grow up free range compared to many kids today. I would much prefer we teach our kids to think and react, and give them some skills to cope with the world rather than hiding them from it.
Really people, it’s much safer than you think out there.
Kudos to all Free-Range Moms!! How else will they function without us?
Finally…someone who believes kids need some independence to learn how to become self-sufficient independent adults. You have to raise your kids to be self-sufficient not just assume they will be logical self-sufficient adults just because you send them off to college. Thinking through situations and learning how to cope when things do not go as planned is a very important life skill. A lifeskill that is best learned a bit at a time. We are the only species on Earth that believes we should keep our babies dependent upon us forever. Momma bears and every other species raise their cubs to be independent ; to prosper in the world without them. I always told my kids I love you but it is my job to make you maintenance free,
Also..in response to the “kids fell through the ice” comment. I too fell through the ice as a child. I knew we were not supposed to be on the creek but we had determined the pond was getting boring. My dad had not only harped continuously about us kids not trying to skate on the creek but he also informed us how to save ourselves if we were foolish enough to try. Yes…we were very stupid but we also knew what to do when the ice started cracking. Our biggest fear was knowing how much trouble we were going to be in when we got back to the house. Yes our skates were taken from us, we received spankings, missed dinner and had extra chores piled on. Dad presumed we had way too much idle time if we came up with that foolish idea! He also informed us how much we would have cost our parents for a decent funeral. Many years later he told me how frightened he had been when when came hobbling up to the house in frozen long johns..he said he knew immediately what had happened. The point being everyone is going to make at least one stupid decision but that is part of life. You learn and you go on. You don’t decide to live in a hidey-hole forever. Even if we had scared Dad that day he only passed on to us an understanding of our foolishness and our responsibilty to our family not to be so foolish.
The other thing that I don’t understand is statistics tell you the most dangerous people in your life is your immediate family. The greatest threat to any child is a parent so why do we obsess over strangers.
I remember when I was 12 in the 50s, i used to take the subway from Brooklyn to the Bronx to visit my favorite aunt. Never had any problems along the way. When I was an adult, i used to say hi to kids that said hi to me as i walked down the street — now the parents would come runnning, grab the kid and call the police. It hurts me as much as it hurts the kid that i don’t respond. With our first grandchild about to arrive, i hope that our kids have enough sense to allow her the freedom that we gave our children.
I used to walk a half mile to elementary school by myself. About half of the way was along a very busy 4 lane road, and we had to cross a freeway offramp. We had crossing guards at the offramp, but that was it. Now, I drive past elementary school kids lined up at a bus stop that is about half a mile from the school … on SUBDIVISION BACK ROADS. Likewise, when I was in Junior High school, I would ride my bike by myself in the city parks all day. When did the world go crazy and decide this kind of thing was dangerous?
I was born in 1960 the oldest of 5, 4 girls and 1 boy he being the youngest (bless his heart). My mother & father were very overprotective of me then it went downhill. I had my son at 30, he is now 18. I have been a widow since 1994, and to say it has been hard to be mom & dad is putting it lightly. I have to say it has been a very rewarding experience that has both taught my son and I both. If we really look at our children and see who they really are society would not be like it is today. My son is not perfect nor I, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I believe that they need independence to a degree, to make their own decisions to prepare them for the but with guidance. I just say a pray everyday that my son walks out the door , PLEASE GOD WATCH OVER HIM PROTECT HIM AND GUIDE HIM TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES, BUT TO ALSO GUIDE ME TO HELP HIM MAKE THE RIGHT ONES. We all learn everyday we never stop learning. I love my son and hope he will always be there for me as I have for him. Just Pray! We all have a journey to make and we can not make it for our children nor could our parents make ours for us.
I agree with kids doing things without supervision. It is such a touchy subject that whenever possible some adult supervision should be around just for safety reasons. But walking from bus stop home is something parents need to let go a little bit.
I grow up as oldest son, with a brother 6 years younger. My mother was obliged to take a job when my brother started the elementary schools, and there was no day care at all. So I spent many, many years caring for myself and my brother for most of the afternoons.
I do remember things that I shouldn’t have done (really…) but nothing really important. And I give it for granted that it all has given me and my brother a different feeling about the world.
I now have two children, both happily in their late twenties, with college degrees and possibly a good future in front of them. One of their biggest treat when they were at the elementary school was that every now and then we would have allowed them to prepare themselves, including their own breakfast, and then go to school all alone. The school was at two blocks from our house, and we were watching them (they didn’t knew it, though), but the experience was for them extremely important. They had to be “concentrated” and “careful”.
I really appreciate your blog, it was just about time…
I just read about Izzy’s adventure in John Rosemond’s column. What a great thing for a 9 year old to be able to do! I’m looking forward to reading more of your ideas on this website. We have 4 kids, ages 8-14 who we actually allow to walk back and forth to school every day, aren’t we adventurous!?!?
When I was a kid in the early 70’s, my parents let me ride my bike and take the city bus all over our metropolitan area of around 300,000 people. Now the same father who let me do that freaks out when I let my 8 year old daughter play in the front yard without supervision. After reading this site, I am going to let her be free-range regardless of what anyone says.
No, serial killers may not be lurking around every corner, but unfortunately, child molesters are; this is why people are extra cautious these days.
Contrary to popular belief, neither serial killers or child molesters are “behind every corner”. Most victims of molestations are victimized by a family member. Don’t assume your children are stupid. Educate them on what to do in various situations. No matter how vigilant you are, there will come a time when your children have to think for themselves. Give them the tools they need to do it. It is our duty as parents to create strong, self sufficient kids. The media is a huge influence today. TURN OFF THE TV! My kids aren’t allowed to have tv’s or computers in their bedrooms even though “everyone else can.” We don’t have cell phones-except one in the car for an emergency. They ride their bikes everywhere and walk to and from the bus stop. There are several registered sex offenders in our neighbohood-the police keep a list of current addresses on their website- my kids know to avoid them. My kids often have a hard time finding other kids to play with because other parents keep their kids in or they’re not allowed to leave their driveway. It’s a shame and it’s a main reason why we are raising a fat generation who will have a shorter life expectancy. I also started leaving my kids home alone for very brief periods starting at ages 10 and 7 so that by the time they were 12, they were completely at ease and trustworthy with it. My 10 year old can even cook several meals! Due to child care restraints they often have to be alone for several hours but inour neighborhood, all the parents look out for each other’s kids. When I was 12, I had a full time summer job babysitting other people’s kids. I had the confidence as a young adult to travel both the US and Europe by myself. I hope my kids will also have this confidence. As opposed to my overprotected neice who fell apart when she went to college away from mommy and daddy who had always done everything for her. She ended up running back home and still isn’t a confident adult at age 24. Let your kids live life!
I try and balance safety and freedom. My 8 year old can ride her horse unsupervised, but she has to have on boots and a helmet.
We live in an isolated area and she is allowed to wander the woods.
Her older siblings were closer in age and it used to be less stressful, for me, when they went off together. On the other hand, we have taught them woods skills since they were small and they never got lost.
My older daughter is 18 and a college sophomore at a school 700 miles from home. It has been interesting to hear all the comments from people about her going “so far” to go to college. We live in an area of the country where it is not at all unusual for 3 generations to live on the same block with one another, so they are looking at life from a different worldview.
My 22 year old son has been traveling off and on for the last 2 years now. I have given him money for bus tickets as it scares me to have him hopping freight trains or hitchhiking. He is an adult and was fairly free range as a child, but those activities scare me more than just traveling.
Hurrah!!!
I have often said that I don’t think it is anymore dangerous out there (big, scary THERE!). In fact, I think my children just may be safer than I was.
Perhaps those children sequestered to the indoors are in more danger. Who knows what is going on behind closed doors.
It is so hard to go against all the terrible, cited “facts” but I finally figured I would have to take a chance. I think my children are much more at risk of becoming abnormal and slothly (the new norm) sitting square-eyed and inside.
I want them to have the adventurous childhood I had. Of course they will probably never have it as good as I did; running the neighborhood like a pack of wild animals with all my friends. In our current society it is just them since the neighbors are peeking from behind closed blinds tsk, tsking while their children enjoy “educational” TV and a snack.
My motto of late has been, “They are my children and I will neglect them as I see fit.”
What I can’t stand now and take great offense to is the new legislation of when and if I can leave my children in the car without going to jail.
Excuse me, I have a brain and these children have survived living with me so far.
I know children that have been hit by cars, I know of none that have been harmed by being left in a car under reasonable conditions.
This is an awesome blog! I don’t have kids, but I think you are right on.
I went to Switzerland decades ago when it was much more traditional than now. I arrived from the US with 2 very free-range (try children of the 60s) little boys and taught them to take public transport alone so I could work. They were 4 and 6, and didn’t speak the language well yet, but new their numbers and where to get off. They were sent home from the public swimming pool across the street because there was no adult with them, while they both knew how to swim before they could walk (we had lived in Florida)…I did tone it down a little to fit in, but they’ve been basically free range ever since.
I don’t know. I don’t find myself overly cautious but it scares my son to get lost and like his mother he has a rotten sense of direction. I guess if we traveled the subway every day… and he asked to do it himself… I would let him.
Ellen you have a great point about grandparents! Anyone else finding that the grandparents (your former free range parents) hover over your kids?
My inlaws are all but impossible, fighting with each other about who “has to go watch” my son ride his bike in the cul-de-sac. When I tell them he’s fine by himself, they get almost condescending. No, it’s very dangerous out there! We’re just not comfortable, yadda yadda. Excuse me, but YOUR kids played there! And, last I checked, I was the Momma and “you don’t feel comfortable”?? They won’t let him go near the carpeted stairs (MIL literally freaks out and tells my 4 YEAR OLD to get back NOW!).
My Dad is more reasonable, but he’s practically a helicopter with my son, when he was SO different with me. This was the same man who MADE me take my training wheels off, MADE me get on, told me to quit my cryin’, and pushed me down the street! (It turned out to be a great day, I felt so accomplished!) This was the same man who gave me a sip of beer. Who would bark at us kids whenever we interrupted adults talking (he stops mid-sentence for my son’s every utterance, lol!)
It’s seems they really forget!
I had the pleasure of having the police come to my door last night, as one of my neighbors didn’t think I was a very good parent because my 6 year old daughter and her friend were outside playing by themselves in our neighborhood. I listened politely as the officer told me my neighbor was “concerned,” and he’d hate to have to come to my door to deliver bad news about my daughter. Then closed the door and practically exploded!!! I grew up playing around my neighborhood with my friends and believe my children have that same right. I think its absurd that a neighbor has gone as far as to call the police as if the girls were out destroying someones property.
Mary, I am an American living in Switzerland and the kids are so much more free range. Here their is not school bus. The kid walk or ride their bikes to school. My daughter’s school is too far away for that so she takes has to take two public buses to school. My kids go to all of their afterschool activities by bus. I know most US cities don’t have the public transportation that we have here so it’s not possible but were there are buses or subways it’s great if your kids know how to use them. I’m from Atlanta, Ga and I saw were some school were not sending their kids on field trips because of gas prices. Why doesn’t the school take there kids with Marta (buses and subways). Help them learn how to use public transportation. Maybe when they grow up they will not feel the need to drive everywhere and add to the traffic and pollution problems that the city already has.
Some of these posts are awesome! As a free range dad who contends with wife and MIL of the not free range philosophy, I deal with these issues seemingly each hour. Just the other day my 3 year old son told me to not touch his new LED night light (that sits on a base far from the outlet) because it was hot! Well I got him to touch it in about 30 seconds after finally touching it myself first! then he was curiously happy to touch and learn! There are things we can do to teach kids how to figure out what is hot and what is not. Perhaps this was the old teach ’em to fear in order to control trick? Last time I tried that in this house was when I put the shock pad on the kitchen counter to keep the cat off it! I figure cats don’t need to have free range of the kitchen counter tops.
By the way, that night light now sits on the very top of the computer hutch so my son can’t reach it! Just when he really got to enjoy pressing the button to make the colors change and blink!!! Even night lights get top notch security from some parents.
Fabulous! I stumbled across an article about you in the Readers Digest at my Dr’s. I am so glad I found it as it is so true! I am going to link to this blog so all my like minded friends can read about you.
As yet my kidlets are only 4 and 6 but I believe in letting them set boundaries for themselves and learn to judge if they feel safe to do something etc in the playground and such. Nothing worse than hearing “Get down you will hurt yourself!” from other mums, they may as well say “YOU CAN’T DO IT!!!!!”
Anyway, thanks for writing about your journey.
Kelli
(Melbourne Australia)
I was raised as a fairly free range kid. I remember taking the bus to the mall with my friend when we were about 13. We used to ride our bikes to neighboring cities to visit friends. We also rode our bikes to the library. I was raised by a single mom who, due to our latch key status, was basically unable to enforce any rules about where we could or could not go.
Now I am a parent and I have to say that I don’t like the idea of a totally free range childhood. You guys are all correct that the “stereotypical kidnapping” is rare. Random abduction does not happen in most cases. Most of the time, a 9-year-old WILL survive a solo subway journey through Manhattan. Statistically that makes a lot of sense. But the truth is that terrible things do happen sometimes, and I for one am absolutely NOT willing to gamble with my child’s life or safety. I agree with letting kids roam in the outdoors and explore on their own without a hovering parent. But I draw the line a lot closer to hovering than it seems most other parents on this site do.
THANK YOU! I love you on Bull Shit!!! Stranger Danger is one of my fav episodes now.
I was raised as a free ranged kid and I am raising mine the same. Right now my twins are 8 years old and in the thrid grade. We live in a very small communtiy so my children get to enjoy a lot of freedom, and right now we are working on the town map. Our goal for the spring is them being able to walk to school and the YMCA by themselves. I’m nervous but so far they’ve managed to make it from the Y back home without all heck breaking loose. : D
Thank you Ms Skenazy!!!! You are AWESOME!
While I see your point – with so few children actually out playing in front yards etc – isn’t it just putting your child at risk? Just last week we had two children raped walking home from school – a brother and sister 11 and 7. Whilst i was allowed to walk home – it was always in a group. My kids have unsupervised time – but within guidelines – they climb, run hide and do normal kid stuff – cotton wool wrapping isn’t helpful – but I worry that if they are the only kids on the street ( and I live in a small country town) then they are targets.
Where are the actual stats on things not getting worse than 20 years ago? I don’t live in the US – I live in Western Australia not in a capital city – but very bad things have happened here in the last 5 years to children and they were not people the children knew.
Jini
I find myself telling my kids to stay in the house instead of going outside because I’m afraid they will be kidnapped or harmed. It’s a shame our children can’t go outside without someone hurting them. Take this story for instance. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25114670/
It’s not the parents fault for letting their children walk down the street. We need to find the people that do bad things to our kids and punish them harshly as an example to other child predators. Let them know that hurting our children is unacceptable.
I am married at 19, and expecting my first child. My mother has also grown up and raised us to be independent people, but i have old fashion views. Husbands should open doors, wives should stay at home, etc. But now that I have grown into a generation were its in between independent and old fashioned, im confused. I dont want my child to be in harms way( thanks media for the help) but i dont want them to be raised stressed out and on the edge and wimps. How can I get that median?? I believe that we are humans and we are meant to help ourselves, but we also need to take in what our parents give us, but where is that line? its almost too much for me!!
I’m a 12 year old, started going out by myself at 9 years old as well. I don’t see whats so wrong about going to the subway by yourself… In fact I have to go on a 1 and a half hour train ride each day to just GET to school, and another 1 and a half hour back. Theres nothing dangerous about it but that may be because I live in Australia!
I’m watching you now on Dr. Phil from Australia.
I’m 21 years old and I think what your doing is great!
When I was about 9 or 10 my mum would let me walk/ride or catch the bus
from our house to my school whitch was about 4km from our house.
I has made me what I am today not scared & very confident to travel around Melbourne/ in Interstate and International.
Keep up the good work!
I just saw the”extreme mom” on Dr Phill. I have to say that she is definitely doing the right thing for her son.
I see families I know who wont let their kids go to or from school alone and that is bad. The car is overuse, the kid is overweight though lack of exercise.
The child will never gain confidence and life skills if he/she is treated this way.
Children of today are just so over-protected and pampered.
I think the more parents allow their kids some basic freedom ,the better off they will be. So save money on sending your kids to “counselling” and let them grow up take a few knocks and get real life skills.
I completely agree with the free range kids idea. i think maybe 9 years old alone in new york, is a bit extreme, but then again he got home safely. I believe that that is way better than the helicopter mums. Obviously i believe there are people in the world that are bad, but theyre only a small minority. If you dont give children freedom or expose them to hardships and the opportunity to make mistakes then they will never learn and they will be very sheltered and scared children, they may even be more likely to rebel. I believe a balance needs to be found between being over protective and not being protective enough. Because it is up to the parents to decide what situations are to dangerous to expose the children to, but there are also dangers that are neccesary.
Hello I am a mother from Australia and I cannot believe that all these people are so manic about keeping tabs on their kids, I think your free range kids is a wonderful idea and it is the way most Australians raise their kids. My child is very young but as a child my husband was walking to school by himself at the age of 7 and was going on the train to school at the age of 8 and even as a girl I was shopping at the mall with my girlfriends at the age of 10 or 11 and was always up the road at a friends or swimming in someones pool at a very young age. I cant believe that our countries are so different that most of your children seem not to be aloud a few basic rights and privacy. Preparing to self protect is one of the most important things I parent can do for their child. Keep up the good work. Sigrid
Absolutely agree. I was brought up 40 years ago to be afraid of everything, with a mum who was too. My brain is still conditioned to think that cruise ships will sink and airlines will crash, I will fall from great heights and the worst will always happen. I have tried to do the opposite with my two sons, raising them to beleive that they are capable of anything and not instilling doubt. As a result the 15 year old is confident, personable, an athlete and has a part time job. The 11 year old will hopefully be the same by that age. I think you have the right idea to encourage confidence safely.
Umm first of all they’re kids not chickens, secondly are you insane letting a 9year old loose in the city! Danger! Maybe when they’re 15 or so but not 9! I agree that kids should have responsibility and freedom but they also have parents for a reason, to keep them safe! A 9year old doesn’t have the maturity or life experience to make decisions if they fall into a serious situation. I think its great that you’re giving your kids freedom but maybe not send a child into the subway or the city without by themselves!
I’m 18, live in Australia and I think that this is a fantastic retaliation to helicopter parenting…I’m so glad that my parents trusted me to be able to do things and look after myself…i walked to school by myself at age 6 or 7, a few blocks.caught the bus more than an hour out of town to the beach for the WHOLE day at around 13. your parents should equip you to be able to live life, they’re meant to teach you rather than show you all the time. what makes me laugh most is the way people react when my mum tells them that each of us kids 12, 16 and me cook dinner one night a week and she only cooks on weekends…shock!children can’t cook!its ridiculous the way some parents act.keep spreading the word!!!
Hello! I’m a mother of boys little boys. I love them sooooo much. Because i love them i must give them the freedom so that they may experience life just as i did. I will not be brainwashed by the media, into believing that there is danger around every corner! People will be people and how nice it would be to be able to protect them from all the bad things in the world. Seeing as that isn’t possible, maybe i should teach them to look after themselves!!!! Take care :o)
Thank goodness I was home today to see Dr Phil and saw the episode on extreme moms! I have raised 3 free range boys (my sister has also) and we have always said that we were raising them to be adults not man-boys. The upside is a wonderfully independent individuals that when they left home they had the socials skills to cope without the shock of the ‘real world’ They learnt to trust their own judgement, experience the consequence of their mistakes and to develop a skills in dealing with people outside family and friends. The downside is they become so independent that now they have grown up we feel obsolete. But that is our issue,not theirs! Overall we feel proud of our decision to raise free range kids, they are crazy wonderful. Well done for bringing this subject into focus.
Thank goodness! Finally! Real parenting coming out at last! I’m sick of hearing from these helicopter parents saying its normal to be that way. It is not and it is wrong. Correct, to the person who said they are kids not chickens. Chickens don’t have much of a brain. They only think to protect themselves from danger, to eat and lay eggs. Humans, kids, are much more complex creatures. We think, create, do I need to go on? We need to be stimulated, challenged, guided.
These chopper parrents are a menace in schools as well. They never leave. They never help out – just watch their kids all day. The moment something goes wrong they abuse teachers and carry on like half wits. These children are unfortunately left out by others because of these parents. Thank you again! Lets fight back!
I stumbled on your site while on a forum chat for parents. AMEN SISTER! Finally someone with sense enough to stop the bubble wrapping, nanny employing, Starbuck toting, overbearing parents! I have an 18 month old daughter and the fight will be between my husband and me. We had our daughter later in life – late 30’s. He’s a helicopter Dad (severe) I parent mostly by visual and sound…Sound? ha ha – yeah, I leave my daughter in the living room while I go into the kitchen to do dishes or fetch lunch for us, I also go into the laundry room and bath room without her – OMG…imagine that! Now don’t get me wrong, I check in on her when she is quiet – which usually means she’s doing something she shouldn’t. You know, like pulling every tissue out of the box while saying ’tissue’ (priceless) helicopter Dad freaks out on things like that…me, well, what is a few bucks for another box of tissue and heck, I can push those back into the box to use too…no biggie!
I also have two big German Shepherd dogs that I didn’t give up, send to the shelter, rehome or ban from the house when she was born. (oh…there is a lot of dog hair in my house). One of them is 130 lbs, the other 95 lbs – yes, they are big dogs and she loves them and isn’t afraid of them. My dog growing up was an integral part of my life, where ever I went in the neighborhood she went with me. My Dad knew I was safe if she was by my side. We had rules, sure. Be home when the street lights came on, don’t forget your bike at someone’s house and if you hear him whistle, dinner is ready and you better come running or you’re going to bed hungry. We didn’t have an offering of what ‘we’ as kids wanted to eat for dinner either we had what was ever on the plate and if we didn’t like it – tough. I went horseback riding at my friends house, I didn’t have to sign a waiver to protect my little rights, if I fell off it was because I didn’t know how to ride or I was being stupid…if I got hurt, well that was my own fault as well…not the person who owned the horse.
I hope to raise my daughter free-range as much as possible, playin in the woods, jumping in the stream, running through the fields, wondering how things are grown, learning all about the world around her. Included in those lessons will be that of action/reaction and cause and effect…to be responsible for her life and the impact that she will have on others and the world she lives in.
I am glad that others share in such an old ‘new wave’ way of thinking… I always find myself saying ‘when we were kids’…yeah, when we were kids we had three TV channels!
Thanks for this site, I’ve bookmarked it and sent it a long to a few of my other friends with kids…
I’ll be back often!!
ill show you free range-my 4 kids under 9 walking to the store by themselves and having fun and accomplishing a simple/monumental task. I am THE MOM!
i’ve got more
I do not agree at all, My husbane and cousin at age of 6 were playing at a school oval behind the house, car pulled over an approached them before they knew it he dragged them into car drove around in daylight and raped her while my husbaned watched. yes it most probaly wont happen but if it did what will you say when your child grows up and ask why did u not protect me. thats your job …..
I think of the freedom my mom gave me as a child. It helped me to become a responsible adult who has the ability to make appropriate decisions. Though I don’t have children, I can’t imagine having the courage to let my kids do what my mom let me do. I am thankful to her for that.
I look at my in-laws who hover (and it drives me crazy). My husband will be 40 in a few months and they STILL try to make his decisions. None of their kids can make decisions by themselves because of the dependence that has been bred into them.
I’m not exactly an adult, but I’m pretty close of age to be. But I know from personal experience that allowing your child to do THAT will end up being bad, especially when he’s this young.
If you think about it, allowing your child to do this will make him think as he gets older that he can do whatever he wants with or without permission. If there really is something truly dangerous and you say not to go, he might just ignore that and go anyways.
I honestly believe that you should let your child have some freedom here and there but keep an eye on him as well. I think it’d be better to keep a balance of freedom and watching over him because he’ll get the sense that some things are okay to do, but not everything should be allowed.
I heard about your son’s experience on the news some months ago, and like many others, was initially shocked. But as I let it sink in, I think it was a good thing. I think it has helped your son to grow up and gain self-confidence. The only thing extra I would do (since we have the technology) is make sure he traveled with a cell phone which was turned on. Then if he got stuck or misdirected, you’re a quick call away.
I remember back in the 1950’s when I was 10 years old, I took the bus downtown BY MYSELF and went to the Higbee’s department store and bought myself a dress. I was so proud when I took the bus back home and showed my mom the dress I picked out by myself!
I think your idea is great.I believe there are more good people than bad in this world.When I have children, I will be a free-range mother 🙂
I was kind of laughing while watching this Dr. Phil episode of people freaking out about a child having their own freedom.
At age 11, I lived in the city of Chicago and I was raised to do things on my own and find my own way around. I loved this and it was the most exciting thing in my life. Now that I grow older my parents are kind of starting to become more protective with the rest of the parents just because they are getting pressured into it.
I got jumped at age 11 and was very close to getting murdered by a complete stranger, and guess what…I don’t mind that at all. The reason I do not mind is because I knew exactly where to go and what to do when I was alone and in great danger. Just because your child is not left alone ever does not mean they are not in any danger. Children will always be in danger with or without a parent.
I do not think it is safe to let young children out in the world alone in the way many people have posted. It is insane and very dangerous! I do not think I am a helicopter parent because I do trust my 8 year old son to play outside in my own neighborhood where I know all of my neighbors. This is not the 50’s-70’s when it might have been safe to let kids run free. Good luck to you and God forbid anything happen to your children. You would never forgive yourself.
I happend to catch this Dr. Phil show this afternoon and want to share my story with the younger parents out there…
When our kids were 7 and 5, we decided to sent them two days ahead of us on a flight to visit family in Paris simply to give them an early sense of freedom and responsibility — Waiting at the airport were their grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. It was a successful and exciting experience for them.
We didn’t impart a “fear factor” before they set foot on the plane — only a great sense of adventure. We put our trust in the crew and stewardesses and were careful in our planning the trip for them. All went well.
That was 19 years ago. Today our children are grown and confident about their lives…in fact our youngest is completing her second year in the Peace Corps in Africa. We’re very proud of both.
To the moms and dads out there — raise your kids to be sensitive and aware of the world, but also to be confident of their abilities.
I honestly do not agree with your choices to let your child roam free. You obviously have absolutly no idea what is out there. I am a mother of a 4yr old daughter, I would not allow my child to take the bus or the subway, cab or whatever on her own until she is way older! There are so many perverts out there. You say that your child knows what to do when a stranger approaches them, but do they know what to do when someone has a knife held against them and told not to scream and there is nobody around to help them? Wouldn’t you feel responsible that you were not there protecting your child from this sick and twisted people? At 9yrs they should be watched by a responsible adult. I would not even allow my child at 9 to stay at home alone! I will give my child free range that is limited to somethings! I love my child more than lifes itself and would not want to put my child in harms way! you don’t see what goes on when you are not with them, so how do you know everything is okay? i would be extremely worried if my child was out wondering around New York City by themselves at the age of 9!
You can help your child gain confidence and independence other ways. My child is very independent and confident and i never allowed her to roam the city!
I am one of those moms who strongly believe in free range kids! GOOD JOB!
What a great parent and person Lenore is, Period! I raised my two adult children and now my two step children as free range kids. My wife and I spent time last summer in Manhattan and believe that Lenore was well within the envelope of safety and sensibility to have her son practice free range living. This country has so much fear and anxiety that we have become afraid to let our children breathe. Is it just simply that people are too lazy to teach their children the skills needed to function “out there”. We will never achieve the vision of a free and just society if we raise mommies boys, wusses, and wimps. Martin Luther Kings line about “content of character” echo’s in the distance and I suggest is sadly missing from those who “helicopter parent” their kids. Courage people, courage…!
I was a victim, and I mean victim, of both mindsets. My parents, my father and step mother (true mother deceased when I was 10), always kept close tabs on me, and yet never paid me any attention. I was not allowed to have friends and go out, nor was I allowed to date or have romantic relationships. However, on the flip side, they never paid attention to my personal life, they don’t know what foods I ate, what I did in my spare time, what interested me, nor who I was friends with in school. Even though school let out at about 14:40 hours, I would often sit on the steps of the school and watch the sun set as my folks would often realize after many, many hours that I was not home.
I believe that children of all ages should be allowed the freedom to choose their friends and form their own opinions and develop their own personalities. But they should also know that they have their folks to fall back on and go to in the event that anything adverse should occur.
My parents have never been there for me, and now that I’m a 23 year old man, since I’ve never had anyone to go to, I do everything on my own, and I don’t need them. While it may have made me stronger in the survival sense, I feel as though my emotional development was severly retarded as a result. Dealing with children is like holding sand. The harder you squeeze, the more slips through your fingers until all you’ve got left is what is sticking to your hand in your iron fist. But if you cup it gently, you will retain much more, and it will not chafe, nor be compact or hard.
My folks alienated me by not allowing me to be free. I no longer spend any holidays with them, nor do we visit each other. This would seem normal in a long distance relationship. My folks live 9 blocks away. In Miami. That’s less than five minutes away. We never speak on the phone, and everyone’s got a cell phone today.
It takes extreme measures to get my folks to show up or show interest. MY folks didn’t attend my graduation. But when some lunatic carved up my face with a razor blade in the middle of the night, they showed up just long enough to take me home from the hospital, then go home like nothing happened.
I believe in free range children. Think about that term. Free range. Free range animals live in an open area, and yet still have a master who watches over them and takes care of them should anything occur. Children are shaped most in the first six years. Let them be free to learn to stand on their own and support themselves, so that later on when they HAVE to, they can. I learned a great lesson from my folks. How NOT to be a parent.
Anything we do is scrutinized by those around us. I would like to know if those people who called you the names that they did, I wonder if they believe in or practice the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”. The nay-sayers are almost always the same ones who witness a crime but never “want to get involved” or report it to the police. How about we all TAKE OUR NEIGHBORHOODS AND STREETS BACK and make them safer for our kids so we don’t have to go to the extreme of being a “hover” parent!
Allowing your child to take the subway was a great idea and if I lived in NYC, I would have been one of those “nice strangers” (as you called them) who looked out for the well being of your child in any way possible. I come from a very large family and have had the responsibility of caring for children (since the age of 10) for the past 36 years so it’s ingrained in me to be a part of that village that raises a child.
I don’t have children, but strongly agree with free range children. I was raised not to the extent of at 9 year old taking the bus by myself but was equipted with tools to make my own decisions and mistakes for myself. I chose my own bedtime when i would do my homework what sports i participated in when my curfu was etc. I speak from experiance that I didnt get abducted, I didn’t get into drugs or intence partying and I made the grades in school and am in post secondary school. There needs to be a balance kids need to make their own mistakes but they also need support from their parents and tools to help them in their own independant sucess.
I watched the episode of Dr Phil that discussed “free range kids” vs “helicopter parenting”. I have to say, I applaude you. I have tried to raise my children with a strong sence of self-worth and independance. I tried to encourage independant actions that allow them to grow as a person after all I’m NOT raising children, I’m raising ADULTS. It’s my job to raise them to be functioning, contributing members of society, I don’t believe that keeping my thumb on every action they make or every step they take will promote them becoming functioning, contributing adults because they will lack the basic abilities to think for themselves.
I think you are a GREAT mom.
Sincerely
Shannon Dahr
I think that allowing your children to free range is good and bad, yes we should allow our children the opportunity to grow and be able to make choices for themselves. But we are not living in the same society that we lived in 20 or 30 years ago, i remember when we didn’t have to lock our front doors at night or lock the car doors, NOW we HAVE to, with the constant threat of break’n enters, car theft, having something stolen out of your car. Now i’m not a controlling parent, but i am a cautious parent, i do not let my 9 year old daughter walk more then a block away from home alone, should i? No, why? because it will only take ONCE for something bad to happen, it’s like having insurance for your home or car, do you need it? No not really but you need it just in case something bad happens, so in essence i am my childrens insurance, with me in reach i can make sure they are safe. The good thing about letting your children free range is they learn responsibility, safe conduct, and common sense, and i make sure that my children learn those qualities and more. But i believe that a childs maturity should dictate when you allow your children free range.
you are absilitly wrong i my opion but that is how you raise your kids not my so you do you want and i’ll do what i want.
Keep it up Lenore. I just finished watching Dr. Phil and I couldn’t believe those two other moms. Their level of stress from believing that their kids are just one parental inattentive moment away from disaster is going to kill them early. Their kids are being conditioned to be paranoid of everything.
The worst part is that the second one isn’t even interested in fixing it. Like Dr. Phil says, they are so selfish in wanting to do what makes them feel better that they will knowingly cripple their childrens’ development, which could be permanent.
I consider this child abuse and those moms should be threatened with losing custody if they can’t start acting in their childs’ best interest.
The road to aliented children is paved with good intentions.
I am Bob Bluteau From Windsor Ontario and I am a Single Father and I an all for What You are Doing I myself allow my son to do alot of the things that you do as well I feel that kids need to learn responsability and they need to hav e some freedom. I also feel that it encourages them to not be afraid of the Big World out there and yeah we have scary things that are going to happen THAT’S Part of life… We cant Live in fear and we can’t hold them back from experiencing life. Keep Doing What you are doing. I think it;s great.
“I do not think it is safe to let young children out in the world alone in the way many people have posted. It is insane and very dangerous! ”
What’s dangerous is you not teaching your kids living skills.
Without real life experience, your children WILL FAIL!
You are leaving your children vulernable, and guilable.
I remember kids like that my freshman year of college. They couldn’t find their classes, and were socially inept.
Sad that you don’t want better for your children.
Gobble, gobble, cheep, cheep. Yes– we want our kids to grow up to feel free as a bird and that starts as a F.R.K. As you said, if you listen, your child will tell you what they are ready to master. Our daughter let us know when she was ready to walk to school by herself, ride a plane alone, walk the streets of Paris solo, and ride three miles on a bike in the Bershires to work on an organic farm. She just turned eighteen and couldn’t wait to close the curtain by herself in the voting booth.
I can’t believe all of the parents here that are being irresponsible! Good example of why some kids are so messed up in this world. To let a 9 yr old child ride the subway on his own should be criminal!
I think your actions are outrageous. And I believe allowing a 9 year old to take the subway ALONE is akin to criminal negligence. Child Protective Services should be investigating you.
Being a free range parent doesn’t mean being stupid. Free range parents don’t let their kids skate on a frozen lake without checking the ice; they don’t teach them that it’s okay to talk to any stranger that comes along, etc. Some of you who are commenting are missing the point here. There is a big difference between preparing your kids to make it in the world and just letting them do whatever they want. Free range parenting means giving your kids the skills they need to be able to do things more independently…it isn’t giving them subway fare & sending them out the door to go wherever they want. There are still rules to follow & curfews to abide by in my house. My kids have cell phones for emergencies. They are usually always in groups with their friends when they go to the mall or the movies but sometimes yes, they go on their own. Parents who don’t ever let their kids out of their site or who regiment all of their time or who drive them everywhere they go are not doing the job of preparing them as adults. Your kids are going to grow up…you can’t stop that. That’s what you are doing, raising men and women.
9 yo walking around there street or crt ok but come on a city, why have children if you cant e bothered looking after them
you rock!!!!!!!!
There is a fine line between “protecting” and “hovering”. We are living in a totally different society now. Totally different world. When i was young, my mother use to tell me she would pray for me and let me go. I would go alone on my bike for miles. I also remember encountering some dangers and dangerous people but thank God, i was protected. There is more crime now, more petofiles, more dangers, more than there ever has been before. In these times, I don’t believe a “9” year old is safe walking to a store by themselves with younger siblings. We need to be selective, careful and watchful. God gave you those children to protect, not hover, but to be responsible for their lives. That includes teaching them to be independent but protecting them as well. Call me a little overprotective but i would rather be cautious with no regrets than too free and have regrets.
I just recently watched you on Dr. Phil and must say I agree with you!! I’ve got 5 kids ranging in age from 16 down to 5 and i’ve always tried to raise them to be independent and self sufficient! I give them freedom and let them do alot of things that other mothers would cringe about. My oldest son has flown from Orlando, Florida back to Atlanta on his own when he was 11. He did it perfectly! My children also are responsible for setting their alarms at night and getting themselves up and dressed for school. They are happy and content with this process and actually they decided to do it on their own. At first I said no that mothers were supposed to wake her kids and get them ready but when I saw how happy they were and how they feel so accomplished for doing this I backed off and now allow it to happen. It has made my life easier also. They are good kids, I don’t have the problems with my teenagers as other parents do. They treat me with total respect and I treat them with respect also. They feel like they are functioning in society and they feel empowered by their freedoms. And on the flip-side, it has worked for me and I worry less about them now because I see that they can make it even if I was not around! Bravo to you and this blog, it makes me feel proud that there are like-minded mothers out there and we are raising happy, healthy, independent kids!
I just watched the Dr. Phil show and I so wish my parents would have allowed me the freedom to do some things for myself growing up. I can speak from experience that my “helicopter mom” crippled my life and my sisters life forever. I am 40, my sister is 47. Neither of us function very well outside of the safety of our homes. I have adapted better than my sister, but still i’m riddled with fear daily. My parents (mainly my mother) was terrified something would happen to us, or someone would get us, or we’d get killed, etc. etc. She overprotected us in such a way that we lived in fear constantly that something bad was going to happen. She wouldn’t let us go to friends houses unless she knew the parents, and even then, it was limited if we even got to go. We never learned how to interact socially with people because of this, and to this day I have a hard time making friends. My sister self medicates with alcohol in order to ease her anxiety around people. It’s sad really, we weren’t given any freedoms to learn basic life skills. When I first moved out on my own, I couldn’t leave my apartment for the fear of “getting killed”. I did, however, find a job eventually which helped me learn to cope with life outside of a safety net. I could go on and on, but I think you see how you can cripple a child by being overprotective. You can also cripple them for life.
I can’t believe that some people are still thinking that this is a bad thing. My parents alowed us to roam and graze and I think we are all the better for it. there were broken bones and an occasional bee sting or bloody nose but we laugh soooo hard at these experiences now. I am teaching my son now…at age three…how to properly do things to make him more independant in the future. Of course he is not yet unsupervised (before anyone thinks Im a complete nutter) but when the time comes for him to go somewhere alone he will know what todo if he encounters anything dangerous. I love my son no less than anyone and because of that he deserves to be free he deserves to learn…I mentioned on here before that as a high school teacher I see the negative aftermath of parents who refuse to allow their children to bloom. I think now of one particular family with three children and the extreme helicopter parents….the results, the oldest at 29 is living with a deadbeat, on welfare, and she has confided im me that she has had 3 abortions and 2 STDs, the second a boy had3 children with three different mothers. he is living in a different province and has very little contact with his mother…the third who managed to get a university degree and is a teacher herself lives at home and has no social life because she has no social skills to develop one. she wantches movies with her parents on friday and sat night and the worst thing her parents love this cuz it allows them to continue to hover. I kow this is one case of one family but it is in my belief the direct result of overprotectice parenting and an inability of the children to make wise choices when needed…how could they they never had the chance.
when my mother encouraged me to travel abroad at age 18 the first mother was appalled and said my motherr was “crazy” well not only have I traveled the world I have three degrees am a successful department head and am married to a wonderful guy and have a beautiful family. I walked to school with my friends from the age of 5!!!!!
Previosly Lori wrote
“There is more crime now, more petofiles, more dangers, more than there ever has been before”
I challeng this thougt I do not believe it!!!!! i think the media pushes this idea on us by “if it bleeds it leads” Also more kids and people report abuse than they did in the past when preditores roamed free without the fear of prosecution because it was a “sensitive issue” and an utter embarrassment to failies where it happened. that is why we think there are more incidences, beacuse more are reported than in the past and becuse the media plays like there is a killer around every corner. If you think that there are more preditors out there now OK I let you have that cuz even if there were there are also expinetially more responsible people who would not look away when they see something happening….you are soooo sad wen you think that the world is soo bad….good luck I hope your childs rebellion isn’t too bad!
This is a great forum for people to boast about how self-reliant their children are now. 13 year olds planning and cooking meals for the families (gold star), 5 year olds going 1/2 block by themselves (gold star), adults who are happy, confident and self-reliant b/c they were free range children (more gold stars for all of you). This forum appears to be a place where people can post their stories to assure themselves and others that their way is “right”. Circumstances are different for many in today’s society. The individual who posted about living in the “ghetto” and obviously has different concerns than the wealthy mom in Manhattan. Some here have HAD horrible things happen to them or their loved ones (brothers who drowned) that affect the decisions that they make. If you had a happy, carefree childhood with no major repurcussions from being free-range, good for you – I hope things work out that well for your children. For those who experienced significant trauma (molestation, rape, death of siblings), the dangers of the world are a reality. Bad things DO happen. I guess the bad things are really only significant if they happen to YOU. I hope all of your children stay as safe. I’m not a hypervigilant, helicopter mom, just one that knows that child molesters do exist.
I just realized that what I posted really doesn’t matter. Those who have never been molested by a stranger, or had something “bad” happen as a result of being free-range can never be convinced that they (or their children) are not immune from this type of harm. They will claim the risk is so low, that there are no more pedophiles today than 30 years ago, etc. It won’t matter. Unless YOU were the child who was forever scarred by an experience, it will never matter to you. Unless it is YOUR child who is molested on the way to the bus stop, it will never matter to you. Yes, I heard you, the risk is small. It’s HUGE to that 1 in a million (or whatever the percentage is of chidlren who are molested by strangers) child who is molested. Again, pain is usually only significant if it’s yours.
“….when my mother encouraged me to travel abroad at age 18 the first mother was appalled and said my motherr was “crazy” well not only have I traveled the world I have three degrees am a successful department head and am married to a wonderful guy and have a beautiful family. I walked to school with my friends from the age of 5!!!!!”
I’m speechless.
“My parents alowed us to roam and graze and I think we are all the better for it.” This pretty much sums up the thinking of many who post here. You’re all the BETTER (better than what? those who weren’t free range?).
Also, to Annee – the high school teacher – you write ” as a high school teacher I see the negative aftermath of parents who refuse to allow their children to bloom. I think now of one particular family with three children and the extreme helicopter parents….the results, the oldest at 29 is living with a deadbeat, on welfare, and she has confided im me that she has had 3 abortions and 2 STDs” This strikes me as one of those instances where one can use information to draw conclusions without looking at the entire picture or considering there may be other contributing factors. As the teacher to these children – you had some connection in this families life. However, as you were not a part of this family or privy to all of the dynamics and experiences that occured far beyond you meeting them, it seems like a stretch that you can connect the dots and say “parents hovered – kids screwed up…..therefore, the kids must have screwed up because the parents hovered”. Families are complicated systems (I’ve been a family therapist for nearly 20 years). There is no way for an outsider to know what “causes” a young adult to make bad choices in his/her life. You saw hovering parents, so you assume this is the cause. As a family therapist, I may have seen a volatile relationship between the parents and children who had no idea how to form healthy relationships – thus causing the boys to end up as you describe them. As the mother in this scenario, I may believe that my children made poor choices because their father was a closet alcoholic and emotionally and verbally abusive behind closed doors, causing the boys to have very low self-esteem. As the father in this scenario, I may think it’s my wife’s fault for not making the boys play sports as children and adolescents. As the grandma in this scenario, I may surmise that the “boys went wrong” because the parents didn’t put them in Catholic School. What you see as a relative “outsider” is only one small piece of what makes up the puzzle of family dynamics.
This just aired here in Australia and I was so glad I had recorded it and watched it today. So many times I have heard questions asked about “Why are our kids overweight?” and “Why are teens getting into much more trouble then they used to?”. Not to say this is the ONLY reason, but when I was growing up it was a push out the door and “see you by dark!” We rode our bikes around the neighbourhood. We hardly ever sat still, and it even occasionally occurred to us to return home to eat something. Not to mention that yes we DID get into trouble, but we got into ‘child type trouble’ doing stupid but harmless things that taught us when we were crossing the line. Teens these days who have been locked in doors all their lives (or allowed out with supervision) suddenly find themselves with freedom which the teen mind can abuse much more readily then a child. If children learn limits before they become teens, this is less likely to happen with teens. It’ so nice to hear someone else talking about this!
Also it is worth noting that crime IS in fact down (in Australia at least I know) on a per person measure, but it is always presented just as a statistic. Not to mention my mum was a liberal parent who perhaps offered me too much freedom, but she surely didn’t let me anywhere near the abusive grandparents, and other less liberal and more strict members of our family let their kids near them. When it came to those grandparents mum didn’t leave us alone with them for 5 minutes!
I believe that I am freerange, although a bit late to the party. For 2 years, my family and I lived in a community where it was more common to be a freerange parent than not. It was a close-knit community, and everyone seemed to buy in to the idea that, as community members, we were in it together. We looked out for each others’ kids, and kids were allowed to roam around the neighborhood and be kids. Now, I live in an ultra-helicopter mom town. Parents are constantly scared to let their children out of their sight, while I think it should be the most natural thing in the world for a 9 year old kid to be allowed to walk to a friend’s house, or the few blocks to school. However, because I am pretty much alone in this, it makes it harder to do. The other parents are so busy spending every minute volunteering in their child’s classroom or ferrying their children to their huge list of extracurricular organized sports that there are never any other kids “hanging around.” Why do so many moms think they must spend every minute with their child, and why do they think less of those who don’t? It isn’t that we don’t care about our children at all. I just want my kids to have their “kid time” with other children. I don’t want to have to schedule it on my calendar.
Thank you! We recently moved from the country to a small town so our kids could have more freedom. Now they walk to and from school, swimming lessons and friends houses. In good weather they ride their bikes all around the neighbourhood. I was shocked to discover how many kids in this samll town are still driven everywhere. I expect my kids to grow up with a sense of self reliance and capability. I feel sorry for the kids who feel totally dependent on their parents for all their transportation and entertainment.
We have a rule that they may not go inside a friend’s home until we have met the parents. My kids have always been encouraged to talk to strangers so they have developed a feel for good vs creepy. They still know that bad guys will pretend to be nice so don’t trust nice guys too much. I did a practice walk with them before they walked to school alone. We went and met the crossing guard one day and discussed the crossing procedure. My husband and I rode around the streets with them to make sure they knew and obeyed the rules of the road. Then we gave them independence. We also stressed that “with freedom comes responsibility”. They know to stay together when they are out together and always keep us informed if they change their destination. No they don’t have cell phones, they call from a friends house or stop in at home on their way. Giving your children freedom does not mean abandoning them. A child who is raised with a sense of independence will be safer than one who accidently finds himself in an unfamiliar situation.
I saw you on the Dr. Phil show today and wanted to write.
I think this is THE BEST idea. Instill a sense of confidence and ability in your children and they will be able to successfully deal with the world around them.
I grew up like this and it helped me develop creatively and responsibly. It helped me develop a strong sense of who I am. As a result, I thought nothing of opening my own successful business in the printing/advertising field, and later became a professor so that I could give something back and help others find themselves too.
I sustained a spinal cord injury (from a vehicle accident) when I was 28 and have been in a wheelchair since 1984. Still, I have traveled across our beautiful country (by myself) several times in my van and am thankful for my sense of independence and ability to handle problems as they arise. I live alone, by the way and take pride in being able to take care of myself – and help others too.
I think you are giving your child a great gift. Keep up the good work.
Chris in Jacksonville Florida
The only issue I have with Lenore’s approach is that she feels she has all the right answers. Parents should not be criticized for their individual parenting choices just because they differ from yours. If you are comfortable accepting the risks with allowing your 9 year old to ride a subway it is your choice as that child’s parent. On the Dr. Phil show Lenore’s snide attidude and comments about “helicopter parents” and parent’s raising “blithering idiots” was just ridiculous. You have to give respect to get respect. Maybe if she wasn’t so pushy about her “free-range” approach, people would not be so crticial of her. No one has all the answers on the best way to raise children – even Lenore. ; )
i totally agree with you!!!! I am 16 and have zero freedom! My mom is a strict addict…Where do I go for advice?
In response to the other Kim’s post, I watched the Dr. Phil show and don’t feel that Lenore make any snide comments. Some of the moms on that show were incredibly hovering, such as the mom who watched her son through binoculars while he was at school, which was located across the street from her house! And the mom who drove around the block for hours while her daughter was at a friend’s house?! This is being a helicopter mom & the kids hated it.
I don’t think Lenore is trying to be pushy; she has a point of view that alot of people think makes sense and she’s trying to take the fear out of raising children.
I loved the Dr. Phil show where I was introduced to your website. I agree with you on many points, but I do think that each child is individual so their levels of ability are different. My oldest daughter was very comfortable and able to do things on her own – she flew to Australia by herself to be with my sister for 3 weeks when she was 11 years old. The airline watched after her and made sure that my sister was there to pick her up, including having my sister show her identification.
On the other hand, my youngest daughter is now almost 14 and she is slowly learning to do things on her own and go places without me. But I would never have dreamed of letting my youngest daughter fly ANYWHERE by herself at 11. She was 12 when she flew 2 hours by herself. And that was a huge accomplishment for her.
My oldest daughter walked home when she was in the 4th grade from school everyday. I’m glad that I’m able to be at home with my youngest daughter now afterschool because I think she needs me more.
It all depends on the child; I think if parents keep that in mind, it will make a big difference on the childs ability to be more responsible and self-sufficient. The child will show you how independent they can be by their choices.
There is just is much danger out there as there was when I was a kid and when my parents were kids, it just wasn’t crammed down our throats, by TV and the internet. Bad things happened, we knew about it, yet didn’t have every detail. We were freerange and latchkey and we were taught how to survive. I know people who have to wake their teenage kids up for school! How are they going to get up when they go off to college? Or move out on their own? I received my first alarm clock when I was six!(Raggedy Ann and Andy). My Mom did get up with us, but it was our responsibility to get ourselves out of bed…When she had to work, we made our own breakfast(cereal)and got to the bus stop on time. At 13 I went with three friends(2 that were 15 and one that was 16)90 miles away to a concert. We made our own mistakes(ouch that hurt, don’t do it again). On a early post, Sibling talked of their two brothers that fell through the ice and drowned. There is a point to that. We lived in Montana and I remember being told constantly that ice on ponds was dangerous and could break. We played around the edges, but NEVER went out onto the ponds. As to the person who said that they would walk the streets of Manhattan with people but never in the woods alone, I’m the exact opposite, I feel much safer out here on my very dark road(there’s a slim chance anyone is out there, and I know most everyone here)than I ever would on a busy city street. I live life with no fear, if you live in fear, you invite it to happen.
One more thing I wanted to add… when my oldest daughter started High School, there were a group of kids that came from a religious, private school. Because they were used to the “severe hovering” at school and home, when they hit high school, they were the first kids to get into the worst trouble. They absolutely couldn’t control themselves with the new-found freedom.
The kids that came from the regular public schools were amazed about their behavior. My daughter said it best – “They don’t know how to act or behave by themselves because they’re used to someone taking them by the hand all day.” Well put!
i saw u on dr. phil and it was awesome but u r stupid to let ur kid out in the open for strangers to attack him. GAY ASS
I’m just watching you on Dr. Phil and I agree with you. That is how I was raised back in Europe. My parents are the best and so loving they knew! On the other hand when I saw my friends when they were older running around with the new-found freedom I was pretty sad because they got into so many troubles!
I AM GAY LOOK FOR ME AT OSWALT ACADEMY FORMERLY KNOWN AS OSWALT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL K-8 NERDY DUDE WITH GLASSES 7th GRADER i am against. IM ON A PORNO AND MADE OUT with 13 gay dudes. KILL ME.
from walnut,ca
i am gay.
As the mother of a well-adjusted, “free-range” teen – can I say, I completely agree with you! My son is an actor/magician here in LA. We moved here two years ago after living 10 years in North Carolina and I have to say I didn’t worry one minute about how he would do out here. I was confident that he had mastered the set of character traits and problem solving skills that would make it easy for him to succeed here – and anywhere in the world. More importantly, he’s happy and he’s a great contributor to the community because he understands the value of community service.
We are here to steward our children to be confident, rationale-thinking, empathetic, kind, generous adults. I’d add “optimistic” to that list. So much of this country seems to be run by fear…and fear never assisted anyone. Healthy respect of your environment – and giving our children the tools they need to navigate their way through life with challenges and with people…that’s warranted. If we teach our children the skills to be self-reliant, to be accountable for their choices…they will make the right choices in life. And for those times when they don’t make the best choices, we are there to help them evaluate those choices and learn from them. Communication and respect is such a key tool in parenting these days. Hovering over children, sheltering them and solving problems for them doesn’t help them grow.
Thanks for taking the time to give people a chance to enter into a discussion about different parenting perspectives. The more people have a chance to learn and read of success stories about empowering kids, the better!
I would just like to say that I saw you on Dr. Phil. I really did like that you were confident enough in your son and yourself to let him do such things by himself. To me the subway is a scary thing but I am from Iowa. No such thing here lol. I have a 5 year old son and I struggle sometimes to let him do things by himself. I know that he is capable of doing things but I like to help him. I have to remind myself that he isn’t a baby anymore, as much as I would want him to be. He tells me “Mommy, I can do it!” That reminds me to take a step back and remember that he has to fail first to feel like he succeeded. I know “hovering” isn’t the best decision for my son. I want him to be able to make good decisions, be confident, and capable. Hearing your story just helps me to realize that all the more. Thank you for helping me to feel like I am not a bad mom if I am not at his side 24/7.
“i saw u on dr. phil and it was awesome but u r stupid to let ur kid out in the open for strangers to attack him. GAY ASS”
Think about it this way, to anyone else’s kid, you’re a stranger, and do you want to attack them just because of that? No.
To your best friend when they first met your parents, they were strangers to them, do you think your parents wanted to attack them? No.
Plus you really have shown a low level of intelligence there, how can something be “GAY ASS” may I ask?
I’m 15 and I’ve hardly been raised Free Range, my dad is quite happy for me to my own think and take the risks essential for me to learn how to live life, however my mum is the most over protective person I know and at times I hate her for it. For the first 13 years of my life I hardly ever got out of the house, I spent all my days sat on the computer getting fat and not seeing anything in life, until one day my friend turned around and said “Wanna go out on our bikes?” and I said “Yeah!”. Ever since then I’ve been riding my bike as often as possible and now I find myself sponsored and racing Downhill MTB, all it took was that one moment of deciding to get out and do something, maybe not the safest sport to take up but frankly all the better for it!
Amazing how we baby our ‘babies’ for 17 years and 11 months and expect them to be independent adults a month later… How fair is that?
Thanks for speaking out for parents who nurture their children’s confidence, intellect, and capability…preparing them to function in society. Isn’t that really the primary parenting role??
My parents brought my brother and I up the “free range way”. Since I was 8, I woke myself up in the morning, got ready for school, went downstairs and waited for the school bus, just my brother and I. If I wanted to get something from the store, I just told my mom, and went there myself. I played around the block with my friends, without my mom being paranoid.
I’m grateful to my parents, especially when I saw my friends being so overprotected. Trust me, overprotected children will NOT thank their parents when they grow up. In fact, they start to resent them.
I’m not saying my parents let us doing everything we wanted and had no boundaries. There were clear boundaries of what we could and could not do, and we had to EARN their trust before we were allowed the freedom and independence. If we did something stupid and lost their trust, our freedom was also gone. Then we had to earn it back.
This made me appreciate and highly value trust, freedom and the responsibility that comes with those. Now, my bro and I are highly independent adults, who love to hang out with our parents.
Bringing up your kids “free range” does not mean you let them run wild. It means you let your child earn your trust, and than you trust your child to make the right decision. If they make the wrong one, they learn from it, lose their freedom. That way, the next time, they know how to make good decisions on their own. This is the real gift you can give your kids.
We live in a very fearful society, and I believe that fear usually stems from ignorance. Yesterday on the news I realized what a fear based society it is that we live in. There was a report about the dangers of tobagganing. “75% of children have been injured while sledding.” Most of these “injuries” were minor cuts and bruises. But the way the reporter was speaking you would think that sledding accidents are responsible for a large portion of childhood mortatlity rates. They’re not. Now I know that there probably have been some really horrrible, even fatal sledding accidents. But I think if parents teach their kids common sense these things probably won’t happen. My dad commented that every kid just needs to learn the bail out rule… if you see a telephone pole, tree, etc as you’re racing down the hill on your tobbogan you bail out. Simple and it’s work for many people I’m sure.
To me that’s what free range childhood is all about. Children are taught common sense, and given some rules and guideline. These in turn help them to make independent and good choices. It’s not a matter of parents saying “do whatever you want to, I can’t be bothered.”
Kudos to you! There are so many helicopters parents creating young adults that cannot manage their lives. Being a Scoutmaster, I had to persuade parents to back off and let their boys achieve goals on their own. To the parents amazement, the boys were able to accomplish difficult tasks on their own. Our youth is capable of so much more than many adults give them credit for. I raised two boys and guided them but did not hover. They had freedom with some limits. We had many open discussions and I monitored when needed. They turned out great and made their own decisions on what path to take. I believe when parents have too many restrictions, they are bound to experiment more often. And for pete’s sake, parents do not constantly “fix” things for your children. They learn best through their mistakes.
As a teacher of karate classes, I am often asked by fellow parents (my daughter is in kindergarten) when (not if!) they should start teaching their children about “stranger danger” and abductions. My response is always the same – I am more concerned about my daughter getting lost when we are out and about, or about her street safety (i.e., car accidents) when walking to school, so we focus on things to prevent that.
We teach knowing your name, phone, address and the names of the adults you came with. We also give her freedom to walk ahead of us at the market or the park, and we’ve never had a problem.
I was a freerange kid in the 80’s and 90’s. When I went off to college in the 90’s, it was so sad to see all the students who a year before had been straight A valedictorians get to college and fail miserably. Many of them where there because thats the school their loving parents had choosen for them after visiting several and talked to large numbers of professors. (My parents had me do all the research myself and when I picked one said “Guess you’ll have to go buy a car if you are heading that far away.”) By the end of my freshman year, all those kids who had clearly been kept in a bubble their whole life where no longer in college with me. They hadn’t had freedoms in there first 18 years and then were handed every freedom in the world – and in many cases a credit card to go with it. Learning responsibility is a life long process. Their is no specific “age” when we are just magically ready to take on our own independence.
Many have commented on how their child will be free range when they are old enough. Unless they are not yet born, they are ready to be free range. I have friends who take a play pen everywhere they go and can’t understand why I allow my 20 month old to freely play. Same friends just don’t know how I get him to behave so well without running off or getting into things he shouldn’t when we are out and about. Slowly over the last 20 months he’s been given more and more freedoms. He knows there are rules and he knows there are consequences for breaking them. (Some enforced my his parents and some enforced by mother nature.) He hasn’t spent the last 20 months either held or in a play pen.
I had 4 kids in 6 years, so I can’t possibly hover like many of my friends who only have one child. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. Kids need to be kids so they can make something of themselves in the future and don’t end up like all those I watched have to drop out of college after appearing to be very successful in high school. It starts the moment they are born!
I am the oldest of 7 children. I know my mom thought I was mature and smart for my age. She let me walk to friends houses down the block when i was in 2nd-3rd grade. Walk home. She was always educating me about strangers and emergencies. I remembered my phone number and knew how to dial 911. She was constantly educating me. Yes bad things DO happen. Bad things are always gonna happen. The Media just creates hype and we believe that children are abducted more often than in the past. As the Media scared my Mother, my brothers and sisters were not allowed the same freedom and decisions I was allowed to make. I see the harm that has come from this. They don’t know how to do things on their own. They are ages 12 to 19 now. They often can’t fill out paperwork or have any of the life skills to solve problems. They are defintaly looking for my Mom to do everything (im not sure my 19 yr old sister knows how to make her own Doctor’s appt). Thats why I have taught my 8yr old son to be independent. He is allowed to walk through the apartment complex alone from his bus stop(bus stops in front of our complex and he doesn’t have to cross any streets). He has a key and he call me at work as soon as he gets home. He asked if he could do this. He is also allowed to stay at home by himself while i go grocery shopping. That means that he feels comfortable and not SCARED. These people who hover over their kid will be producing children in adult bodies. Let our children have the childhood we had. Yes bad things do happen, like you can get hurt or die in a car accident. Thats life. Prepare your child to be independent from very little. If you haven’t prepared or educated them you can just one day out of the blue let them do these things. Every child is different. Only you can judge and know if your child can handle situations.
I’m looking at Dr.Phil on TV in Norway now, and they are talking about you and how you are letting your son out alone in New York. And you say “we want to give our kids the same freedome we had”. You must realize that things are different now from when you grew up. Letting a young boy alone in NYC, I believe is dangerous and stupid. What if something happens? Then you will regret it forever.
Children deserve to have a (mostly) free life. Of course parents still need to over-see a lot of parts of a child’s life, but many descisions/actions should be left up to the child eg. walking to school by them selves
Watching Dr Phil this afternoon, I was inspired with your parenting style, well done!
I have read some of the responses here, and although I can understand and sympethise with those that may in fact be considered “tragedies” – we (us adults) are making the world the way it is – not the kids!
The example on Dr Phil that raised the 300+ molesters who lived within a mile of Izzy’s route, as compared with the 8,000,000 people who live in NYC, was a good one! Dr Phil (or at least the researchers) would have us believe that out of the 8 million residents, we should completely alter the way we trust our kids and “good” people, for the sake of the 300+ nuts in the same vicinity. This is the problem!
Cable Television, Reality Television, Television/Arcade Games, Movies, even Daytime Television shows like Oprah (starting to get the idea) are all major contributors in this whole saga. All the media ever does is raise the BAD stories, and continuously bombard us with the “dangers” of life as we know it!
As a parent of a young gay son, I had even more to think about, letting him go out on his own, but baby steps and continuous success stories, along with a totally honest and open relationship/bond that we shared were the reasons I never experienced anything that I had to respond to in a negative manner.
As Dr Phil said today, those parents who fit the label of “Hovering” parents are doinf this and acting this way for their own selfish needs, not in the interests of the child.
As a “Free Range Kid” myself during my younger years (21 now) I was always more capable than others around me. I don’t say this to boast, it is just the way I observed the world.
Today when I saw the beginning of Dr. Phil (in Australia) I was 100% in agreement with the movement for the “Free Range Kid”. I have been thinking about this for a while now and would like to share my view of what has happened with the other kids I grew up with and went to school with.
There are 3 main (probably others but I think these are the majors) ways that non-free range kids turn out. I have seen these countless times; Growing up their parents would have total control over their lives and the children would grow up to 1: Burst out of control with alcohol and drugs (my close friend recently died from this) 2: Do not develop “people” skills are live at home for far too long depending on their parents, generally the mother, to do all cloths shopping, phone calls, appointments and pretty much every other aspect of their lives and 3: Spend a great deal of their early adult lives having to develop those people skills only to be set back in job opportunities, uni, relationships and friendships because they just don’t know how to function without their parents holding their hands the whole time.
Ofcourse there are always exceptions but I have seen this happen with countless friends I have had growing up, and when they are forced to make grown-up decisions by themselves it turns in chaos resulting in any number of horrible circumstances.
i’m 16 and i was raised the old ways. i was allowed to go to the shops on my own at 7 and allowed to roam at 10. at 13 i could cir cum navigate Perth, western Australia. i of course had the tech time where i did not want to leave the house but there ARE advantages to having that tech period too. because of the tech period i can keep my laptop running. my laptop has had serious issues from 2 years ago and every time it seems to die completely i turn it around and fix the problem in ways that even TECH crew cant do. i disassembled and reassembled my own tower at 11 because something went wrong with it. i did the same with my laptop at 14.
i have tried the tech guys before and some of them are so dodgy they charge an arm and a leg to repair a laptop not even worth it and they STILL do not fix it right. i took mine to a supposed specialist. it took me 2 hours to find out what those guys had 2 attempts at, each taking 4 weeks a piece, had missed. my mother had to work almost every daylight hour to keep everything we had, and she earned 70k+ a year in construction, and we still did not have much more than 2 cheapish laptops, an old car, a small home and the only luxuries, 12 gig ADSL broadband and foxtell.
we now have a Holden HSV Clubsport worth 25 grand (we prefer Clubsport because we know we are safer in a car which will perform when we need it in emergencies but still delivers 6 cylinder economy), my laptop which has extra ram to keep it up to date, we downgraded our ADSL to 2 mobile modems (which is 3 gig download limit a piece and yet almost costs as much as the hard line itself with the required home phone we never use), a medium tv, a medium size house and a games system in the lounge room but we still do not have a million dollars which is what everyone expects from people who earn now 120 thou a year from construction. we never really had the luxuries but we live big.
we now live semi-independently. she knows i can handle myself and she knows i am pretty much self sufficient. she raised me to be self sufficient, she taught me to think independently and to split how i behave into different situations. i know i must emulate how people should behave in situations where if you were just being yourself would be frowned upon and i know that owning a car is a privilege, not a right. i know drugs can kill you and how they can seriously destroy your life, we now drive down the highway noting how many idiots a day we see driving their cars with reckless intent. we know that owning an SUV will not protect us because so many people on the road now own these juice chugging 2 and a half tonne pieces of machinery and they DO NOT use them for their real purposes (off road driving, heavy duty towing, construction purposes) that the odds of you being safe drop quite a fair bit. it is probably more safe to be in a sports car built with steel, front and side SRS airbags and enough power to just drop down a gear and plant the throttle to save yourself from oncoming traffic because of some dipstick who just pulled onto the road in their station wagon doing 60km/h less than you RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU on a 2 lane HIGHWAY then tries to beat you in speed and where just using the brakes would not be effective enough. for anyone who knows western Australia i am talking about the great northern highway leaving Perth… the worst strip of road i have seen.
so yeah. i was raised freely and i know how to decide things for myself. i am all for raising freely. if you cant handle that or say anything constructive then you should just say nothing at all.
i was writing so much about how i grew up i completely forgot how i found this site. like the last 2 people before me i was watching Dr. Phil and yet again i am amazed at how stupid some people in America can be and how the press amplify the idiotic things Americans can be outraged about. i am not talking about EVERYONE in America but seriously, America from the eyes of the world looks like a joke now days. maybe Obama can change that but its what Arnold, the Austrian in America who has the right idea about climate change. on the news earlier he has been constantly hammered from all sides all because he believes in what everyone else in big business does not want to believe. i bet you he was raised in a way to think independently, not what some desk jockey tells him to.
i believe exactly what the last two have said. they could not get it more right. my mother did not say “do not do this it is bad for you” whenever she wanted to send a message to me she got a movie or part of a tv show involving the issue, sat me in front of it and made me watch it, then told me what it was about. i think there was specials about drugs and driving several years ago on Dr.Phil and Opera and she made me watch it to show me what happens when you actually do it. THAT is how we should learn, even if it is “rated”as M15+ she would play segments where the lessons were and talked about it.
if someone wanted ideas to the next big thing concerning child learning i would say for them to search our libraries of tv, video and recorded footage of bad things happening, try to find stories where they do it then eventually they relate what happened to what THEY learned from it, set it up so that children will get the entire picture, not just the “media view”, make up teaching packets that include voiced opinions and questionnaires about what they learned and light on theory then send it to years 6,7,8 in primary/high schools across the world (that is ages 11,12,13 for all who does not go by west aus school systems). that might sound controversial and if conventionally rated maybe m15+ but if you talked to them and used the educational values in it it would teach them more than just what you showed to them. i learnt more from HANDS ON and practical activities than what i EVER learned from theory. like an old saying says, you cannot beat experience.
You know I was thinking that there is actually more violence in the home than out. Now stay with me here, the violence I am talking about is the television. You turn it on and in front of you are real life murders, terrorists, drug mule’s etc.
So why then don’t parents switch off the box, go outside and play ….
I was an only child. My father had an alcohol problem and was rarely home, however, her was EXTREMELY over protective. My Mother tried to make my childhood normal….. I was TAUGHT to be afraid, and I was afraid every day of my miserable childhood. Even now as a forty year old successful married mother of two, I still struggle to go anywhere alone, I panic if I’m alone in public, and never try anything new or go anywhere unless I know what to expect. This has crippled me and limited my life experiences. I know I’m
old enough to “get over it”, but it is such a part of my personality and inner being, I literally can’t change. I am proud to say I have two young lovely confident ‘free range’ girls. They are capable, daring, careful and bright. Every teacher they have ever had has taken me aside to praise our parenting skills. On the other hand the ‘Martyr Mothers’ scold me and try to make me feel uncaring and lazy. I know the truth, I’m living proof that ‘free ranging’ your kids (within sensible boundaries of course) is theway that works for my family. Remeber the mother birds push the babies out of the nest as soon as they are CAPABLE – not when they are READY!!!!
Sorry, times have changed. Children have 100x more dangers to deal with than when we were kids. I don’t feel comfortable on a subway alone and I’m 34. Never would I put a 10 year old in that situation. Honestly, this whole “movement” seems much more about getting the kids out of mom/dad’s hair than benefitting the children. SURE put the kid on the bus by himself, then mom or dad doesn’t have the inconvenience of having to accompany him, and chalk it up to instilling independence in him.
I’m pretty much thinking what your kid will remember is that you sat at home while he sat next to the guy on the bus who was talking to himself, not that it made him feel particularly independent.
Independence is good. Sending wolves into the lion’s den? Not so much.
WOW! I think if your son disappears one day you’ll have the totally opposite opinion on this subject and wonder how you could’ve been so stupid to let it happen. There are so many crazy people out there who are just looking for the opportunity to do bad things to children. If your son is the only child riding the subway there, then his chances of something bad happening are huge.
Letting them play outside in the yard is one thing but putting them in a place full of adult strangers is just asking for trouble.
I don’t live too far from where Jacob Wetterling was abducted and you’d never think in a million years that something like this could happen here, but it did. And that was a long time ago and the world has only gotten worse since then.
There are a lot of things you can do to allow your child to be independent and he has his whole adult life to wander and do what he wants. It’s just so not worth it to me.
And you can’t tell me that your son doesn’t have moments on the subway that he is terrified. However, I’ll bet he doesn’t tell you because he wants to make you happy and knows that this is your soapbox. He’s got a big reputation to live up to.
HURRAH for you and your son. I thrilled to learn about you and your website from a NYT article. At my work, I see many a raised eyebrow from other mothers who disapprove of how my husband and I allow our kids to play unsupervised and to do “stuff” on their own. We have 3 kids [7-11] and we live in city limits for a mid sized town, in a quiet middle class neighborhood on a dead end street. So we let our kids play outside by themselves–heck, we shove them out the door. When the younger two are out alone, they are not allowed off the street but if the oldest is out too, they can cross the street to the end of the next block, well out of sight of our house. [If its only the 2 oldest, they can bike in a square around the block.] They also walk 3 blocks to the bus stop by themselves. If my husband has to run to the store, he leaves all three in the house. If he is going for longer and the oldest doesn’t want to come, he is allowed to stay home alone. We also sent the oldest travel by himself on the plane to visit a friend in LA. We recently had a big snow storm and sent all 3 out all day for sledding and the like—they had a blast.
When our first one arrived, we decided to radically cut back our tv watching so to set a good example for our child. As an unanticipated side effect, I was amazed at how much cheerier I felt when I stopped watching local news and all the horrible things that are the focus of the nightly news. What about all the good things that go on in the world? But good stuff isn’t viewed as good news so while the good stuff gets ignored, the terrible stuff gets reported and consequently we all go around thinking the world is an incrediabley horrible scary place.
Those people who claim that parents who send their kids to ride buses alone to a friends’s house are abdicating parental responsibilities don’t get it. In fact, what we do is HARDER than just keeping your child at home all the time or tagging along with them. First off you have to really know your kid and what they are ready for. When you leave your child alone or send them on the bus or send them out to play by themselves, every time you do it, you have to remember to remind them what the rules are, what to do in case of and then, yes, you do have to worry a bit while they are gone. Finally when you say “yes” to one kid doing something at age 9 and “no” to another at the same age, you have to deal with the fall-out cries of “unfair!” Its soooo much easier to plant your child in front of the TV and pop in another video or shove them in a car and off to a playdate.
But in the end, which child is going to be more capable of taking care of themselves–the one who had everything done for them or the one who learned to take care of themself?
Ok, I am strongly for free range. I grew up free range.
That said, we live in a different world and am reluctantly against. Hear me out please.
1. When you grew up did you have cell phones?
That means 35-65% of all drivers are essentially drunk on the streets. (Yes, cell phone use elicits worse reaction time than drunks. – check it out if you don’t believe me.)
2. When you grew up and were exploring down some creek with your buddies and your friend slipped on a rock and split his knee open and couldn’t walk what did you do?
You went to the nearest house and they called your parents and directly assisted you.
Nobody is home anymore because everybody works (except in this lovely recession we’re having which will eventually end) and nobody will lift a finger except to call 911.
When this changes and it will (people will work from home and laws will get passed to prohibit cell phone use in vehicles) I will be firmly for. Sadly that may be when my kids are grown.
I was turned loose to walk to school in the first grade, age 6. We lived about 1/2 mile away. I fully plan on raising my kids, “Free Range” as well. I see too many Moms & Dads these days being “Helicopter Parents”.
I’m waiting for those who claim the world is much more dangerous today than it was 40 years ago to offer up some facts to support that assertion.
The increased media coverage of bad things doesn’t mean bad things are happening more often. It just means there’s more of a market for those sorts of stories. In fact, I know of several journalists (including the founder of this site) who are at the forefront of calls to restore traditional childhood. Journalists are well aware of the torque they put on the news to make it more threatening and sensational.
theres still places in which free range raising can still be done with minimal risk… but all we see about america is when some bombing goes on or when the president had shoes tossed at him. i would suggest if you wanted more safety try going overseas. western australia has a lot of towns in which the ENTIRE community knows each other. perth, the capital is even trying to build sub communities in the southern suburbs to live together. our transport systems are said to be the best in australia with a ride from mandurah ( our most southern suburb in which our trains reach) to clarkson (our most northern) in about an hour. you can still play in the streets without worry (some people would look at you strangely here if you DIDNT send them out once in while). our business and industries are split from residential, we have a lot of outdoor activities to do here although we have a lot of reckless idiots operating their vehicles like they were the only ones on the road.
When I was nine and ten years old, I was biking or walking all over my small city of 60 000 people in Central Ontario. Only once did my parents ever get worried or upset, and that was when I’d forgotten that important guests were coming for dinner and I was supposed to be home in time to be nicely dressed to greet them.
I want the same for my kids. This summer, my daughter will be six; the younger daughter will be three. I plan to let the older one go to the park on her own a couple of times a week. It’s a block and a half away and there’s a crossing-guard on duty during the summer at the only busy corner, and there are city employees called Supees to provide activities for the kids. My only problem is what to do with the little one while the older one is out exercising some independence. If we had a better backyard setup, I might be able to send the little one to play in the backyard while the older one goes to the park, but as it is, the little one will end up bored without her sister.
I didn’t know I was part of a movement, until I saw this site mentioned on the NY Times blog today. I thought I was just a permissive parent awash in a sea of over-protective parents.
I lived most of my adult life in Tokyo, and so I have a very Japanese attitude toward raising my children, which included leaving them home alone at ages that would have had CPS knocking on my door in San Francisco, where we now live.
Two and a half years ago, I even titled a post on this very subject “Free Range:” http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.com/2006/04/free-range.html
My oldest son is now six — old enough to go out and do errands or be left home alone, while I run to the supermarket. Alas, there’s no way I could do that, and risk a neighbor reporting me.
Fortunately, we’re moving back to Tokyo in the spring, and his “Free Range” lifestyle will really begin, with plenty of reinforcement from his peers, their parents and society at large.
I believe that my job as a parent is to teach my child to be self-sufficient in an unpredictable world full of both opportunity and danger. This has translated to “free-ranging” my children, who by the age of 6 knew how to call a cab from school or a ride home and count correct change from the corner grocery when they needed items for supper.
Now living in the thriving burg of Seattle, they know the public transportation routes better than I do, and have never, ever, been lost, trapped, or in danger they either weren’t aware of or weren’t able to confidently extract themselves from. My oldest is 18 and has for the past three years traveled to Costa Rica and made her way around quite successfully. Middle daughter is 16 and travels 15 miles through the city by bus (two transfers) to and from her private school. My youngest is 10 and occasionally takes the bus to see me at work. She’ll dawdle around a bit and then catch the next bus home. They consistently regale me with tales of people and places and we discuss who or what was safe or not.
Although it is possible that bad things may happen to my children, it won’t be because they aren’t fully aware of the risks at any given time or in any particular situation.
I have never wanted my children to stay out of the world, rather it has been my goal to give them the tools they need to thrive smack dab in the middle of it.
I can’t believe the shit you’re trying to peddle here! My GOD, you aren’t in some little small town, you’re in New York City! There are a lot of drugs and and lot of crime like any big city. Sure, you think now “I’m teaching him to be responsible and it’s a reasonable risk.” but wait until your son is stabbed by some crazy guy. Wait until he’s raped and then you find out he has syphilis and is going to die. MY GOD, what if they just find his body in a trash can in New Jersey!
The world isn’t the same place it was even 25 years ago. Sure, you got by alright, but that was a different time. Now nearly every kind of crime, violent or not, is up nearly everywhere. Now we’re finding little kids, not even 6, dead in rivers in the middle of nowhere.
What you think is teaching responsibility and life skills may just end up being the worst experience any parent could ever go through. The death of a child.
I grew up in the suburbs of Cincinnati, Ohio and was lucky enough to have parents who gave me a fair share of freedom to do things on my own. My bicycle was my means to explore the world around me. I didn’t ride the bus or get a car ride to school, I rode my bike a mile and half without a helmet. That somehow seems scary in today’s world. I was age nine when in the summers I went to the city pool by myself on my bike. My parents introduced me to all the lifeguards and when it was time for me to go home, my mom would simply call the pool and tell them it was time for Paul to go home. Some of my favorite memories of childhood, were the few times where our parents would drop us off at Riverfront Stadium and we would attend a Cincinnati Reds all be ourselves. We would sneak into better seats, chug sodas and spit sunflower seeds. Those were the times.
i would be more ‘for’ if you werent so aggressive and rude! people look after their kids they way they think will keep them safe how about some free range parenting, live and let live? i also think that having read the site you do protest a tad too much. why so defensive? Personally i think it is because you are experimenting with your kids safety and are trying to justify it. i have kept my kids safe in london by being there, and they have naturally grown into safe and secure adults by being allowed to do things when they think they are ready PLUS a while. we are the adults it is our job to make the decisions and make the boundaries.
Thanks for the website. A voice of sanity!
You can count this as a ‘For’
I just found your site and I love it. I am definitely for free range children.
I’m not a mom, hopefully some day, but am a good babysitter and recent Aunt who is really excited to rough house with the nephew.
I remember outside being a safe haven. If you were inside on a sunny day in the summer or on the weekend, there were 3 possibilities: 1. you were sick; 2. you were doing chores; 3. you were in trouble, or about to be. It was safer (atleast from an authoriative monarch) to be outside. You’d just tell mom “I’m in the back” or “i’m on the porch” and she’d mental note it and go back to wrestling a different sibling, or the mess you left on the kitchen counter. Then you know, the kids next door would stop by, invite you over to color, play catch, go to the park, you asked mom permission/ yelled through the screen door where you were and you were on your merry way.
There is a theory I’ve been recently acquainted to, which would help free-range-kids grow. The neighborhoods we remember and grew up in, those for the free-range-movement, were front-porch neighborhoods. The neighbors new each other, had coffee, set up play dates, met people when they moved in with a plate of cookies. The neighborhoods of today, with new condo styles and cul-de-sacs are the back-patio neighborhoods. The privacy fences close off the prying eye of the lonely 5 year old who hears happy kids splashing in the pool next door, but can’t see if he’d be welcome. That 5-year-old then asks his mom about the kids next door and she replies “oh, well, we don’t know them. so you can’t go over and play” instead of “they just moved in and have a 6-year-old daughter. We’ll go over to say hi after lunch!”
I met my best friend through our moms meeting on the street when she moved her after living in California. We watched the neighborhood change, got babysitting jobs when new families moved in. If our parents didn’t introduce us, it wasn’t so awkward as it is now, to go over and pet the neighbor’s dog and say “hi, I live here, want to have cocktails?”
Kids need to be kids. They need to get scabs on their knees and fall of the bike every so often with mom not there so they can bandage themselves up. Even in college I’ve dealt with a roommate who had to call her mom every time she got sick because she didn’t know what to do. I might call my mom for advice every once in a while, but not every time I get the sniffles.
I applaude your movement and your strength. I’m glad someone is out there getting this movement together. The Nanny-State articles on Fark rile me up and atleast I can see someone saying something against it.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard of your movement, and I’m thrilled that others feel this way about developing healthy kids who can think for themselves. I’ve actually thought of my children and now my grandsons as “free range dwellers” in the past and it cracks me up that the term has been coined.
We live on the same ranch that my father in law, my husband, my children and now my grandsons have played, explored, fished, riden horses, built forts, worked, raised livestock, watched stars, listened to sage wolves sing, and generally lived a “Tom Sawyer” type of childhood. Sure there are times when they are out of adult sight for a while, but the worst that could happen to them in these times is simply physical injury, not real damage that could come from the hands of other humans who should not be allowed around children.
Sure there is structure when needed- public school, church, 4-H clubs with friends & animals, but how many chances do brothers get a chance to play without constant supervision and still be safe? This ranch and the adults living here and loving these little boys is the best childhood for these little horse-crazy cowboys. Wouldn’t change a thing. We are so Blessed by God…most fortunate people on earth.
People that don’t want their children riding a bike a half hour away may not be OVERLY protective! I had the freedom when I was a child of running up and down my block (which had 80 houses so it was large), but not off of it. To say that those of us who choose not to “free range” are somehow wrong is ridiculous! What about those of us that because maybe we don’t make enough money have to live in neighborhoods with drug dealers on the corner? I am fortunate enough to live in a nice suburb (though I didn’t grow up in one, )and my child STILL will not run all over by himself at 8 or 9 years old! We are not paranoid nuts with irrational fears, I for one am not overly protective and I say to each his own. When a lot of us were younger, the world was different, many neighborhoods were safer and neighbors knew neighbors. I think to keep a child locked in the house and/pr expecting to be with them every second is extreme but I also think letting your child go all over God’s creation alone is extreme, there is a happy medium that can be reached. I agree that children need to be taught to protect themselves, but don’t put those of us who don’t necessarily agree with you into a group of “crazies,” because we raise children in a different way.
I do not think that we are over informed about preditors. I think there just are more than ever. With the drugs like meth that warp a person’s mind and leave them with no sense of emotion, there are more preditors in the making every day. I think now, more than ever we need to watch our kids!
My son’s 10. He just started walking to a friend’s house and yes he does have to call when he gets there. I don’t think that being concerned about your children is smothering or overprotective. It’s funny – we’re overprotective but when you see kids getting into trouble or roaming where they don’t belong the first thing that is asked is where are the parents.
I am for, if my parents had watched me like a hawk like a lot of my friends parents did (I do come from a generation where this sort of paranoia began to rise incredibly), I feel that I would be much worse off, wouldn’t have developed the common sense I have now, and would not be as nearly able to conduct myself independently.
The folks out there who disallow independence in their children are asking for some serious problems in the future, you can never forget puberty when raising children, children are really just adults in training. If you never teach them independence they will have either a difficult time acheiving said independence, and more likely they will continue to suck off of mum’s ageing teet.
Do you really want that? Let evolution take place, the ones that die will, either sooner or later. We do have a population issue to address as well here,
Many of the adults that are arising out of these generations of constant supervision die from much more bizarre manners than that of “free range children”, I am assuming. My opinion is based upon personal experience and a collection of tales of despair and success amongst the people I know in comparison to how they have been raised.
A lot of the times parents who are “overprotective” don’t really protect or guide their children at all. I’ve noticed that when I was over at a friends house where mom and dad had every other website and tv station and book censored, well mum and dad didn’t really pay attention to what was going on so long as their child never talked to them about what was going on in their lives. This sort of behavior causes the child to feel that she/he cannot communicate openly with the parents. This is bad in my opinion. Open communication is a good thing to develop, disallowing it seems like bad practice in general.
I remember the days of the 30 minute walk to school, through side streets and alleyways from when i was 8 years old. If we wanted to visit friends, my dad had to know the day before and you had to be home by 5.30 OR ELSE. we were allowed to walk there and back alone, no phone calls. When I was 12 we went camping waaay up in the sticks, and my dad left me and my brothers (all 5 of them, me being the only girl) at the fishing wharf with our fishing rods and – oh the horror! – knives to cut bait in the morning, gave the oldest lunch money and bait and told us to be back at the camp site by dark. the camp site was roughly a 10 minute drive, but just over an hours walk with no foot paths, up and down hills and through paddocks. none of had shoes on and we were knackered by the time we got back. no one thought anything of it. it was only as i got older that my dad admitted he was worried, but he felt he had taught us enough about looking after ourselves and others to be ok. we played outside with prickles and bees in the grass, ran off down to the mangroves through cutty grass and played war, played bullrush for hours on end and only got to watch cartoons on the weekend mornings unless dad said otherwise. My husband has said no computers for our kids until they can put one together. we’ll see 🙂
I’m glad to have found this site and know there are other parents out there that want their kids to learn how to live on their own and explore their world.
I remember being 12 and moving to this house and my dad telling me to get on my bike and go “explore”. I rode all over the place. From our street to 45th back all the way to Ford City mall. Me and my brother regularly walked, rode our bikes or took the bus to the mall when we were 12 and 10.
When I was 16 the Orange Line (L train) opened up blocks from our house. My dad told me to get on and go down town. When I freaked out he took me down there, showed me how to get to the library (they now have a stop at the library), how to get to the Amtrak station where he worked, where all the stores were on State street and gave me a quick lesson on navigating the loop…the lake is always to the east, etc.
From that point on I spent every weekend downtown and I had no cell phone. I would go down in the morning, walk to Lincoln Park Zoo, shop on State Street, have lunch at the harbor then hop back on the L when it got dark and come home. My friends would freak out when they would hear about me doing those things since some of them weren’t even allowed to go to a mall without adult supervision…at 16!
I was walking home from school at 10 which was about 5 blocks away including crossing Ashland Ave (which is 4 lanes and was pretty busy back then).
I want my kids to have that freedom. Right now they are 8 1/2, 7, 6 and almost 3. My 8 and 7 year olds are allowed to play in our front yard alone. Their boundaries are 3 houses in either direction. My 6yo has to stay on the porch unless her siblings are with her simply because she is kind of a flighty kid and isn’t aware of her surroundings. She also has seizures and needs more supervision then her siblings. Sometimes they are gone for hours and I’ve already had to do the walking up and down the block looking for them (usually I find them at their friend’s house who has similar freedoms).
I’d love to allow them to walk home alone from school. It’s 3 blocks away but the school doesn’t allow it until they are in 5th grade.
When I was 8 I was roaming up and down our street, over to Ashland to buy candy at the deli, playing at the tracks and our school parking lot across the street. All with my 6yo brother in tow. We never checked in with our parents except to have lunch and always came home when it got dark.
I’m constantly worried about nosy neighbors calling the police or DCFS on us because some people seem to think I’m being negligent letting them play out front alone.
Thanks again for the site, I think it will be a new favorite to check out and read.
As much as I like the notion of free range kids, I’m more than sickened that a site like this is necessary.
I’ve lived in Amsterdam (Holland) all my life and both my childhood and that of my 10 year younger siblings, as well as my kid’s and her school friends’ have never been as protective as I glean from this site.
Kids don’t ride bikes with helmets on. Many are driven to school but at least as many come by themselves either on foot, by public transport or on bike. My 10yo daughter rides to school often; a 30 minute ride right through the city. I let her go to her kung fu class by tram by herself; another thirty minute ride. She went out by herself to buy X-mas presents for us because she wanted to surprise us. I let her go to the supermarket to buy groceries, she cooks rice and eggs, puts the kettle on, bakes cake once in a while. I gave her a chemistry set for X-mas (and I wish it’d contain a bit more exciting chemistry, really). She goes to pony camp twice a year, and comes back with bumps and bruises and mosquito bites galore.
My family-in-law lives in Mongolia. When we’re there on vacation, we leave her with her cousins to play. The children go out for the whole day, only bothering to come back for lunch or dinner. Most of the day they’re out in the mountains, playing, talking, exploring, or visiting the nearby temple to play with stray puppies.
She’s perhaps not your general Dutch kid but I reckon many children here in Amsterdam live free range lives that might even be scaring many visitors of this site.
Hi,
I have been very interested to read your site. I work for a kids email provider and internet safety is high our our agenda HOWEVER I am very eager not to give the impression that the Internet (or indeed the world) is a big bad place filled with danger. I think generally giving our children guidelines and helping them become aware of potential pitfalls and dangers and importantly THEN letting them explore independently is essential to developing smart children!
Online safety matters to me personally (of course!) but by providing a specifically designed email for children with no annoying or inappropriate adverts we can then let our children communicate freely (and safely!).
Jess
SAFEnSOUNDmail – Great email, Safe kids
I believe it is not just fear for our children that is way out of wack. It is fear itself. Look at our cars today, eight different air bags, knee bolsters, and three point harness seat belts. When we were kids we used to lie in the back of my grandfather’s station wagon on trips upstate New York. Yeah, Yeah, people will say there are more accidents today. It would figure since there are way more people on the road than in the nineteen sixties. Do kids really need helmets, knee and elbow pads just to ride a bicycle. Sure it protects them in the event of a fall. How about we just pass another law that requires training wheels until they are….say nine years old. I love all four of my children with my entire exsistence, but the old saying “let a kid be a kid”, says quite alot. We need to back off with the over protection to the point of suffication
I feel like I have been shouting into a wind tunnel for years about how people coddle their children too much. If I am ever lucky enough to have children, I want them to have the same freedoms I did, not to lead a regimented (my mom refers to it as “habitrail” – the plastic hamster cages/tunnels) existence consisting of school, home, and “play dates”, with no freedom to say, “Bye, Mom, I’m going outside to play” or “I’m going for a walk”, etc. I would have gone out of my mind when I was growing up if I hadn’t been able to hang out at my friends’ houses and sit in their room and talk for hours or go play in their backyards, go for walks, etc., pouring my heart out, playing make believe games, etc. What I see happening now are people forcing their children into a bizarre coffee date structure, where nearly everything is supervised and there’s no opportunity to deviate from the plan. I’ve dated people who did not believe in sleepovers because “you can’t trust other people’s families and households”. There are bad people EVERYWHERE and more often than not, it’s your softball coach, your priest, your uncle, etc., not some random creep who drives up and snatches you off the street (although that does happen). You can’t keep your kid encased in glass. You have to allow them the opportunity to screw up, for heaven’s sake, and try to equip them with the tools to deal with the bad people out there as well as with the good people out there. How can children learn if they aren’t given the opportunity to do so? I wonder what the next few generations will be like once they reach adulthood, because to my eyes, they seem woefully unprepared to deal with anything that hasn’t been planned and authorized by mommy and daddy.
Thank you, Lenore. You’re a breath of fresh air and one of the few sane voices out there these days. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hi, Lenore!
Greetings from England! I enjoy hearing you talk with Ryan Tubridy on Irish radio and have followed up your radio tales about Izzy’s exciting travels with a look at “Free-Range Kids” on the web. In a couple of recent postings the subject of swimming has been mentioned and here is something on which I feel I have a contribution to make. It is quite long, but I hope somebody will get something out of it. To help anyone who can’t read it all at once (I believe modern attention spans are a bit short!) I’ll number the paragraphs so you can pick up from where you left off last time! This has been paragraph one; the last is number thirty!
2) I was a free-range kid in the late 1950s and have been a free-range adult ever since – if Authority tells me I should do something my fundamental reaction is to do precisely the opposite unless what is prescribed does in fact match my concept of commonsense! Just now and again it does, but not often!
3) I’ve never been a parent but I taught kids to swim for exactly twenty years down to 2004. I was a very unusual swimming teacher: most people who become swimming teachers have been good swimmers themselves for as long as they can remember and take up teaching because of a passionate interest in swimming as a sport – or at least they behave that way. I never learned to swim as a kid and in 1984 I was shocked to find that kids were still having the same frightening experiences as I had had a quarter century earlier. After several kids drowned off our local beach that summer I began (as a Jaycee chapter vice-president) a “community project” to help kids who had failed to learn to swim in the normal course of their upbringing as I had.
4) What I have just said about frightening experiences and kids failing to learn to swim may puzzle many readers of Free-Range Kids. If you ask an Australian kid how far he can swim he will look at you as if you are mad for asking such a silly question. The answer may be “a couple of miles?” or “as far as I want, really”. I don’t know about the US situation, but in Britain you will find many perfectly healthy kids who can’t swim a length of their local pool, if indeed they have a local pool to swim a length of or that pool is shaped so that you can actually swim something recognisable as a length.
5) Few British pools are longer than the officially recognised short-course 25 metres. There are said to be more 50-metre pools in Paris, France, than in the whole of the UK. Nowadays British kids do have the right to be taught to swim at least 25 metres by the age of eleven. Provided, that is, that their school is not so remote from a pool that lessons are impossible to arrange. Even this miserable right has only been granted within the last 25 years; some of my earliest pupils had never had a swimming lesson at all because our local council had cut swimming out of the curriculum for a year or two to save money. And you have to remember that you cannot make a kid learn to swim in any particular timescale or in a fixed number of lessons.
6) In the UK the Amateur Swimming Association has an unhealthy stranglehold over the whole business of swimming; public bodies defer to its views instead of using their own brains and private teachers always boast of being ASA-approved. I won’t go any deeper into the way kids are taught to swim and the flaws in the system right now. Suffice it to say that the system effectively denies a very large number of kids the right to learn to swim to the best of their ability. At its root is the concept that the best swimmer is the one who can cover a 25-metre length using a rigidly prescribed style in the shortest possible time. No provision is made for the development of any more useful swimming ability latent in those kids who will never win a swimming race.
7) Because I was a non-swimmer until adulthood and because my early pupils were not going to win the Olympics either I always measured progress in terms of distance swum, not style or speed. This gave me a profound insight into just how good a swimmer almost every child can become. I now argue that every able-bodied 11-year-old should be able to swim at least 400 metres, not the pathetic 25 metres prescribed by the British National Curriculum, which has nothing to do with the physical abilities of children and everything to do with the obsession with swimming as a competitive sport on the one hand and the fact that the government dare not demand anything more ambitious because of the sheer lack of facilities on the other.
8) I should add that I don’t expect every 11-year-old to swim 400 metres with perfect technique. It is actually much harder to swim a long distance “badly” than to do the same distance “well” and the kid who can keep going for ages in spite of being anything but a natural swimmer deserves as much admiration as the born human fish. I once had a 9-year-old girl who swam her first 33-metre length nominally on her back but in fact almost in a sitting position and drifting diagonally across the pool as she went, lengthening the distance to be covered considerably. How on earth she did it I don’t know – no ASA-indoctrinated swimming teacher would have let her try a length with that lack of style – but she did later qualify for a 1500-metre badge!
9) The importance of distance swimming, incidentally, is that you can continue to improve at it at least until your late fifties. I know that from personal experience, having only learned to swim at age 25, and I’ve often wondered how much better I might have been able to swim if I had learned as a child. As a teacher I’ve wanted to give my supposedly less able swimmers a sound base for taking up swimming again for health reasons in forty years time when they too are more fat than fit. Being taught to swim one length fast at age ten and retiring from the sport at age eleven is not a sound base for swimming for health in later life!
10) A few years after my career as an unofficial swimming teacher began one of my pupils collided with a lady swimmer who happened to be a teacher at one of our local swimming clubs. The ensuing conversation led to me being invited to join a course at that club and so I became the lowest form of animal life officially recognised as a swimming teacher – after five years of extremely specialised work of a kind qualified teachers normally never encounter because the youngsters concerned are too scared or otherwise reluctant to go anywhere near a swimming teacher. I stayed as a volunteer with that club for 14 years until, sadly, it closed down in 2004. As my seniority there grew I saw myself as preventing the kind of problem I had previously been curing. It was a very special club in that it was non-competitive; it was solely a teaching club and appropriate remedial attention could be given to those kids who did not find learning to swim easy.
11) At the club I taught only the small-pool classes, but my top group had the use of a spare lane in the main pool and I made it my business to ensure that as far as possible every kid I taught could swim 100 metres in that pool before handing him or her over to a main-pool colleague. This was an innovation of mine and it was important to me because there was no guarantee that after a kid left my care he would ever get the chance to swim 100 metres again; not all kids who were promoted out of our classes actually stayed with the club if their new lesson times didn’t fit in with the rest of the family’s comings and goings.
12) If taught to swim from about five an average kid of eight seems to be able to swim a 25-metre length without difficulty. A really good swimmer of that age can swim much further; one of my 7-year-olds managed over 600 metres one evening. After that event I actually asked a doctor friend about the possibility of a child coming to any harm from over-swimming, because I was aware of ASA-stipulated vague “physiological reasons” why very young children should not be allowed to swim too far. We agreed that whilst there was a theoretical risk of a child under about eight doing himself a certain type of injury, it is very unlikely that a child INVITED (not forced) to “swim as far as you can, change stroke when you want and stop if you feel tired” would come to any harm through doing just that. I have seen a 5-year-old (not one of my pupils) swim a 50-metre length with his grandfather, which he did regularly for a few weeks – until he was banned from doing so by an over-zealous pool attendant who thought he was struggling to keep swimming when he was in fact trying to empty his goggles of water!
13) All the above is just a preamble to the truly free-range story I want to tell you, but in view of the level of “danger” and “irresponsibility” I am about to reveal I thought it was important to say where I am coming from first.
14) In the summer of 2002, as I was stepping out of a lake in Germany, a little boy called Tommy (a total stranger to me) asked if I would like to see what he could do with his inflatable crocodile. I agreed to devote a minute or two to watching this display, but first asked “can you swim? – because I’m a swimming teacher and I get concerned about children playing in water if I don’t know that they can swim”. By this time Tommy’s dad had appeared and, to cut this story to manageable length, we became acquaintances who passed the time together when we were in the same place at the same time. I can’t quite say we became friends because we haven’t kept in touch, but that is really what we were in 2002 and 2003. His dad encouraged Tommy to show me how well he could swim and to learn from me and I soon established that he could swim a lot further than he had ever tried to swim before.
15) The lake is about 200 yards/metres wide at this bathing spot and once I knew Tommy could swim at least 25 metres both on his front and on his back I began to wonder whether, accompanied by his dad, his uncle and myself, one of us towing an airbed for him to ride back on, he could manage to swim across the lake, alternating front and back strokes as necessary. Tommy was not quite eight and I had already seen the boy I mentioned above swim over 600 metres when a little younger, so I knew the distance was well within the capability of a child of his age, but a relatively cool lake is a different environment from our local indoor baths.
16) Before I had chance to suggest this exercise, a couple of days later Tommy arrived with his dad and uncle and the two men set off swimming, effectively leaving Tommy in my care on the shore. I asked him where he would like to swim to; he replied “to Daddy!” and in my usual free-range way I took him seriously and agreed that we should swim out “to Daddy”. I had no idea whether Tommy would be able to do this, whether he would give up and swim back to shore or whether I should have to help him back to shore, but we set off. I should mention that it is important to know precisely when to intervene in a child’s attempt to swim in deep water because a panicking child can drown an adult, but my experience is that children do not panic if a trusted adult is close by and that it is perfectly safe to swim to safety hand-in-hand if you intervene before panic becomes a real risk. (In this context “trusted adult” and “parent” may not be the same thing if the parent is in the habit of playing silly tricks with the child).
17) By this time it was clear that Daddy and Uncle were intent on a cross-lake swim, but of course once we reached the middle there was a shorter distance to swim to the far bank than back to our starting point. Tommy was still going strong and once past the point of no return I urged him to head straight for the nearest land, rather than spoil a cross-lake swim by using his dad as a floating island. I was actually swimming so close to him that once I accidentally touched him with the tip of a finger, which technically would have spoiled the swim if such things had mattered, but Tommy managed to reach the far shore without difficulty.
18) I now offered to swim back and fetch the airbed so Tommy could ride back in triumph but he preferred to swim back! This time I made sure I could not accidentally spoil a perfectly clean swim by touching him and swam far enough away from him to make it necessary for him to make a definite change of direction if he required assistance, not just put a hand out as on our outward crossing, while still staying close enough to avert the onset of panic if he did find he couldn’t make it unaided.
19) In fact Tommy’s second 200-metre swim was even more spectacular than his first. Not only did he manage a completely clean swim, without touching anything or anybody (there was no thing to touch!), but I noticed that he had somehow mastered the skill of resting afloat for a few seconds in order to regain strength for another spell of active swimming. This was a surprise as it was unlikely he had ever had to do so before. It was a great pity we didn’t have someone on land or in a boat with a video camera to record this remarkable swim by a little boy just short of his 8th birthday! And I mean a LITTLE boy; Tommy could easily have passed for six at this time.
20) I don’t know whether Tommy ever repeated this feat, but he will always be able to say that he first swam across that lake when he was still only seven. I did meet him again in 2003, but one day he didn’t feel like doing so and after that the weather was unsuitable. But his example did inspire another little boy to do something very similar.
21) During my 2003 visit to the same place I got into conversation with another couple with a 7-year-old son. Mario had come to my notice (and probably everybody else’s!) the previous day, when his parents passed most of the time sunbathing and he spent some of it swimming, attached to a float by a velcro strap. Every time his mother looked up from her sunbed a shout of “Mario, not so far!” could be heard far and wide and I kept my swimming teacher’s eye on him for safety reasons, even though we hadn’t yet met.
22) Mario was said to be able to swim about 100 metres unaided, though he wasn’t keen to demonstrate this for my benefit when we all went in for a swim together. Having not seen my friends from the previous year, I took the opportunity to ask Mario if he knew Tommy. His eyes lit up and I learned that Tommy and his Dad had been there the previous weekend, which meant that Tommy at least wouldn’t be there that day as he had a two-home family, alternating weekends with father and mother. I explained how I had come to know him and told the story of Tommy swimming across the lake and back, without thinking what ideas I was putting into Mario’s little head!
23) A while later Tommy’s dad arrived (without Tommy) and he and I went in for a cross-lake swim. Somewhere near the middle I happened to look back and to my astonishment saw a little brown figure not far behind, swimming with all his might with one arm resting on his large float! To this day I don’t know whether Mario had been allowed to follow us or whether he had simply escaped while his parents were face-down on their sunbeds; I never asked! Nor did I know then that he was (and possibly they were) putting trust in one man whom he had known for about an hour (me, a foreign visitor) and another whom he had first met the previous weekend!
24) Lawyers could have a field day in such circumstances. What do you do when you meet a strange 7-year-old child swimming alone in the middle of a broad, deep lake? Assuming that you are obliged to intervene in the interests of safety, which is far from clear to anyone other than a legal expert on such matters (the moral case is clearer!), obviously you should endeavour to return the child safely to its parents, if you know where they are, as soon as possible. But what if the far shore of the lake is nearer than the shore on which the parents are sitting/lying/frantically shouting? Do you take the shortest water route to safety even though the land route back to the parents may be considerably longer? Or do you expose the child to greater risk of drowning on the direct route?
25) I’ll leave aside the little detail of where exactly we were when I spotted Mario following us. Nobody seemed to be frantically shouting and I’m sure “Mario, not so far!” would have carried to where we were if it had been shouted loudly enough. What I did realise was that I had quite unintentionally, by telling Mario about Tommy’s cross-lake swim the previous year, given him the very big idea that he could do the same thing, even though he couldn’t swim well enough to do it without the aid of his float, and that, with or without his parents’ permission, he had seized the possibly unique opportunity to emulate – in his own mind – his friend’s achievement.
26) So with no parental interdiction audible I simply slowed my pace a little to let Mario join us and the three of us continued our swim to the far side of the lake. After a rest we swam back and returned Mario quite safe and entirely unmolested to his parents. To emphasize my own sense of responsibility and to pre-empt any parental admonishment of my little hero I made sure I was the first to tell Mario, in front of his parents, that he must “never do that again” without adult company. At seven he was young enough to be given that simple message without qualification. It would be up to him to use all his powers of persuasion to get his parents to leave their sunbeds and join him next time he wanted to swim across the lake and back!
27) I’ve no idea how these two boys have grown up as I’ve never seen them since, but I’m still proud of their achievements after my minimal input into their little lives. I’m not advocating irresponsible open-water swimming for 7-year-olds. I’m just giving a couple of examples of what can be achieved by a wholly responsible adult saying “yes” to a child instead of “no” in circumstances where the child’s wishes are perfectly reasonable and within the capacity of the adult to satisfy.
28) Finally for this posting I’m going to tell you just one little story from my club experience. Just before Christmas 2008 it was on the news that an Irish child who, if I remember correctly, would have been six on Boxing Day, had drowned in the deep end of an hotel pool at Disneyland, Paris, France. This tragedy reminded me of an occasion when a little girl in my class, also about six, told me gleefully at the start of a lesson how she had nearly drowned while on holiday, having mistaken the deep end of a pool for the shallow end, jumped in and had to be rescued by a lifeguard.
29) My reaction was as follows: immediately after her official lesson in the small pool I took her to the main pool and got her to jump into water of ever-increasing depth and get herself out again each time. She was perfectly happy to do so; her holiday experience had not put her off. After she had successfully performed this exercise several times at the deep end I was able to say to her “next time you jump into the deep end instead of the shallow end, you’ll be able to get yourself out, won’t you?” I can safely say that none of my colleagues would have done this. Nowadays “non-swimmers” are often banned from the deeper parts of swimming pools, which raises the question of how they are ever supposed to become competent to go there. To be safe near a pool (or any other body of water) it is vital that at the earliest possible stage a child learns how to get him/herself out of deep water. To do that you don’t need to be able to swim 25 metres in shallow water, you need to be able to swim five metres in deep.
30) I hope I haven’t bored you all. If not I have a few more tales including the odd pearl of wisdom I could share with you. I’d particularly like to share my experiences of having children help each other in the swimming pool, which could be of use to someone whose child is not responding to an adult teacher. But for now, keep up the good work, Lenore. Freedom for children is a human rights issue and the world would be a better place if they had a bigger say in how it is run.
From David M. Suffolk, Southport, England.
Lenore, I may be confusing you and anyone else who has heard you on RTE radio! The chat show host you talk to is of course Derek Mooney, not Ryan Tubridy! Last time you were on you couldn’t put Izzy on the phone because he was on his way to school and in a senior moment I associated going-to-school time with Ryan’s show between 9 and 10 am. But of course you are in quite a different time zone and if you’d been talking to Ryan Izzy would have been on his way to school at 3 or 4 am !!!
And I don’t know how come all my figure eights turned into smiley faces somewhere between a Word document and your website. I’ve never had CTRL/C and CTRL/V do that before! I suppose it’s a nice gesture by whatever software does it, but it wasn’t my idea!
All the best,
David.
Hey- check our school out: I think you’ll dig it! Keystone Adventure School and Farm in Oklahoma is a working farm and art-based elementary school that is multi-aged, hands-on and project oriented. We provide a safe learning environment for each kid to find his/her own way of learning, become the director of that learning and take responsibility for the journey and application thereof. It is an awesome place where childhood is sacred. Enjoying and caring for our pond, creek, horses, chickens and goats builds the foundation for hard work and accomplishment that are the cornerstones for self-esteem. Self =-esteem cannot be taught or faked; kids know the difference between what is worthy of praise and what makes their parents feel better for praising them.
As I said— check us out–we’re on the same page and it’s working!
I decided we’d go Free Range when my kids were five and three, and we went to visit their older cousins. The cousins wanted to go skating, so out came the skates…and the endless “safety wear”: elbow pads, kneepads, and of course helmets. By the time they were finished “suiting up”, my kids had lost interest in skating! I recalled that when I was a kid (pre-inline skates), I clamped on my sidewalk skates and headed out the door. If I fell, I hurt myself. Boo hoo.
When my kids got their skates, I decided to blow off the safety gear, but they insisted on it, perhaps because it looks cool. That lasted about a day. They’ve been skating ever since, and so far no injuries.
PS I finally got to try inline skating, and was surprised at how slow the things go. Way disappointing when I remember whizzing around the roller rink.
Speaking of roller rinks, my first time I was seven, and my 14-year-old brother took me. A man there who (I understand now) was not right in the head invited me to sit on his lap, which I did. I couldn’t understand why my brother kept ordering me to get off him.
A few days later, my dad explained to me that there are people who are not right in the head who try to get kids to get into their cars, and I shouldn’t go with them because they might “unintentionally hurt me”. It didn’t scare me; it made me aware. It was good information, and actually made me safer. For the record I walked about eight blocks to school, to the park, and to friends’ houses unaccompanied. We lived on a busy thoroughfare.
Glad to see more people with “not so” common sense.
I grew up on a farm in New Zealand climbing trees, falling out of em, making tree huts, crashing bmx bikes and all other sorts of fun stuff!
Now that I’ve started traveling I see more and more kids that are Naive little whussies because their parents perpetuate bullshit fears on to them when all they need to do is tell them the safety basics.
Good Job! I hope your kid continues to teach himself about the world to better his position in it.
At 5, I walked a mile to school in a middle-class suburb. At 6, I flew over the handlebars of my bike, three blocks from my house, and split my chin open. At 7, the kids in the neighborhood and I mounted a counter-attack agains tthe 13-year-old bully from the next street over. At 10, I was coming home to an empty house, starting dinner for my family, and helping my 8-year-old sister through her homework.
I had friends, not too long ago, express their horror that I sent my 7-year-old up to the corner farm (less than a quarter mile from the house) to buy some green beans.
The world has changed, indeed.
A couple of tales about kids’ concepts of strangers may amuse:
A good twenty years ago I arrived at my brother and sister-in-law’s house in a “new” car. My niece, then about six, was eager to look inside it but her friend stood back and declined to join her. I explained that the friend had probably been told that she was not to get into strange gentlemen’s cars and that she should not press her to get into mine if she didn’t want to. My niece then exclaimed “He’s not a stranger, he’s my uncle! Strangers have sweets!”
A few years later an 8-year-old boy spoke to me on a camping ground in Berlin. He simply asked if I had seen any fish in the lake. A very short distance from where we were standing, but round the other side of a bush beside the water’s edge, were quite a lot of dead fish. I happen to believe that if a child asks you a question he is entitled to a proper answer and if the proper answer leads to a slightly longer conversation then so be it. So in this case I showed the boy the fish I had seen. Shortly afterwards he said “I’m not really supposed to talk to strangers, but since you’re so kind …”
I always advise a child who strikes up a conversation with me to be careful about whom he chooses to talk to, but I wonder how exactly you get the message through. These two and several other incidents have taught me that kids simply do not understand the term “stranger” in the same way that adults do.
I think this is important for parents to remember, whatever instructions or advice they give their children.
It’s an interesting thing: I was trying to define “stranger” and got all twisted up in knots. Someone you don’t know, but who swears s/he knows your parents? Someone you know casually because you attend the same church, or are employed at your school? There are holes in any definition you’d put forward, and there’s no airtight, foolproof way of harm-proofing our kids. The best is to “arm” them with information and not suppress their instincts.
This means that when they say, “I hate X”, we don’t rush in to say, “No you don’t”, or when they say, “I don’t like Uncle X kissing me”, we don’t respond, “That’s a silly way to feel”. The only way our kids’re going to develop solid instincts is if we give them permission to feel whatever they’re feeling, so that on that crucial occasion when they sense that something is “off”, they’ll trust their guts.
PS Please note new blog URL
FOR!!!
Thanks for your sane and centered idea & blog!
I agree with you but I also agree with Nicole in Philly. I grew up in a really nice old fashioned suburb in the 80s but my childhood was probably even more like my parents in the 50s because I was not in any activities except softball, and while my parents worked, one grandparent was usually staying at our house to watch me and my brother. I roamed our huge yard and nice neighborhood and rode my bike all around, went to my best friend’s house for days at a time. But now I live in a rough neighborhood in a rough city. I take my daughter out to the park and to walk and ride her bike but I have to stay with her. When she has a friend over I leave them alone to play in our yard like kids but I wouldn’t let them go out by themselves. What do you suggest for those in the ghetto?
I have no experience raising kids in a ghetto, but from reading the posts of those who live in urban areas, it seems that the best protection you can give your daughter is for her to know the neighborhood and for the neighbors to know her. Presumably this will develop her radar so that she knows who it is cool to approach and who to stay away from, and when to leave the scene due to imminent danger. I applaud you for being a concerned-but-not-overly-controlling urban mom. Way to go.
Recently, my 8 year old daughter was too sick to go to school. I couldn’t find someone to take my shift so I was in a sort of stressful situation of either taking off for the day (and this was a brand new job) or letting her stay at home while I worked my five hour shift. At first I started to really panic. But then I remembered that oh yeah, when I was a kid my mother let us roam around Los Angeles and we’d stay home alone any time we were sick and there was no stress on her part. So I looked at my daughter and it sort of clicked. I was worried for no reason. I asked her if she felt comfortable staying home alone for a day and she was so excited. When I got home that afternoon she had not only made herself a sandwich and chips for lunch but she had cleaned up the kitchen and dining room of all breakfast debris. I was so proud.
It’s silly to worry so much about your kids and I think a lot of the nay-sayers should maybe try giving their kids a little bit of independence and see just how positive it can be for their self esteem.
Good going, Susie. And hurray for your daughter.
I have a 7 year and 9 old..both boys and this issue is a constant struggle in my house. I wouldn’t consider myself a full “free range” parent but I’m getting there.
But it takes a lot of courage on a parent’s part to deal with the backlash….sometimes even within your own family. My husband is furious if the kids leave the backyard and run around in the front yard…he’s finally ok with just letting be in the yard alone. We live in a Long Island, NY suburb where the property size is 100′ by 100′! We’ve argued back and forth on this issue and I can’t wait to get him to read some of these posts.
One day I left my 9 YO home alone for 15 minutes at 5:30pm when he was ill and I needed to take my younger son to religion school. My 9 YO thought it cool to be home alone for little while ..I was actually surprised that he agreed to it as he has a very fearful nature. It’s really important for him to know that he can do it. I can’t even begin to tell you how my husband and other members of our families reacted…”what on earth was I thinking…the house could have burned down, someone could have tried to break in, what if he got scared” and on and on and on. The worst is the doubt that was expressed that our son can handle being left alone for small amounts of time! It’s terrible to show our kids we don’t have faith in their intelligence and ability to take care of themselves.
I’ve been torn about what’s the “right” age to leave them alone…but let’s look at what’s happened over my kids’ lives living in an environment where we’re constantly telling them, they can’t do this, they can’t do that and where we hover over their every move:
1)they HATE sleeping alone…so while we have 4 bedrooms in our house, only 2 get used
2) they won’t go upstairs (we live in colonial) alone or god forbid we leave them on the first floor while we go upstairs to the BATHROOM.
3) i can be sitting in my bedfroom not 20 feet from my sons’ room but they won’t go in there alone to get pjs at night.
4) they don’t know what to do unless we are scripting their every second.
5) and simply crossing the street is an issue because they are so used to us always checking for cars and telling them they can’t cross street without one of us…UGH can you imagine?
Now most of my kids’ fears do stem from a fear of the dark and that’s understandable but how will they learn to get over that fear if we don’t let them take steps to build confidence?
We absolutely need to teach our kids independence, confidence and self reliance…and stop making it seem that around every corner something or someone is out to hurt them.
It just kills me that my kids are so fearful. I was always out and about, I traveled through Europe on my own for 2 months and had amazing experiences and have awesome memories. I hope to build that adventuresome spirit in my kids as well. They want and need some freedom…having my 9 YO stay by himself, even for only 15 minutes, had a huge impact on his confidence…he is now asking to stay home (even if it’s dark out) while I drive his brother to religion class. No amount of talking to him about his fears can help him as much as having him experience his ability to “handle” it.
I’m thrilled that so many people feel the same way. Of course, we have to use common sense but let’s loosen up guys…the change in your child’s self image will be astounding….and the added benefit…it makes us as parent much less stressed and frustrated.
EVC: It’s not a question of a kid’s age, it’s a question of his maturity and ability. Note that I’m not a parent, but a single man who was raised pretty much free-range. In the case of the nine-year-old and your husband’s objections, you have to ask:
1) Does he know what to do if a fire starts (all families should have a plan for this)?
2) Does he know what to do if someone is trying to break in (turn on some lights or do anything to make it apparent that the house isn’t emply, and then call the cops; break-ins for the purpose of abduction are incredibly rare and someone trying to break in to steal stuff (much more common) will stop right away if he thinks the house is occupied)?
3) Unless the kid has really severe emotional problems, feeling scared for 15 minutes is unpleasant but not harmful. It’s not going to scar him for life; the popular notion that it will comes from accounts by therapists, whose patients pretty much by definition have a lot more personal problems than most people. It’s certainly something that ‘s going to happen to everyone several times in the course of their lives.
As for crossing the street, start by accompanying them but hanging back a little and telling them to check the traffic and tell you if they think it’s safe. Based on your own observations, tell them whether or not they can cross. Once they’re good enough that you’re always saying “yes” (you may have to teach some skills here) continue accompanying them but tell them to decide and not wait for your answer. Don’t say anything unless they decide to cross unsafely. Once they’ve mastered this, tell them that they’re expected to cross without you, but you’ll sometimes check up on them while they try. The key here is that the changes need to be gradual, not radical.
re street-crossing. Some pedeatricians did a study sometime in the 1990s that concluded that up ’til age nine, kids’ nervous systems aren’t stabilized, i.e., they’re still impulsive, don’t have enought depth perception, and haven’t fully mastered cause and affect physics-wise. They recommended nine as the age when kids can begin crossing streets alone.
For younger kids, as I posted before, I recommend “Did you do a car check?” instead of “Look both ways”.
I came across your website by reading about it on BoingBoing and it reminded me of my childhood.
The world to a child should be a world of adventure and exploration, not dangers and fear; my parents let me do lots of stuff on my own and gave me lots of freedom at quite a young age, and it was a happy time that game me confidence in myself, my judgement and skills.
Nice website, keep up the work 🙂
Finally! I am norwegian, and we also have a city, Oslo, with a lot of crime. Still, it is actually pretty normal to see 10 year olds downtown on a bright day. I get the impression (blame TV) that americans might be a bit overprotective. this site learned me that you all are not. Giving a child the possibility to be independent will learn them so much. Go on mums!! They have to learn it somehow. It is not easier to start at 18! 🙂 Good luck to you all.
Another norwegian here, i have a 7 year old son. He plays outside for hours alone, he has no problem walk to school.
In Norway you only get school bus if you live far from the school, but still alot off parents drive their kids.
You can never protect your child 100 % from all dangers, but if parents do as you said on Dr.Phil, give them the chance to prove they are competent to take care of them selves they will be responsible.
Parents need to be more laid back and let the kids have more freedom!
Keep up the good work!
Thank God for this site! As a single dad I have listened to the disapproval of the moms at my sons school when they hear of the things my eight year old son is allowed to do. Shoot guns, ride horses and bikes without a helmet, play outside by himself, and worst of all (to them at least) his tv and computer time are severely restricted. Yes it helps that he is raised in a rural environment and can explore things here that he would not be able to in an urban setting. I think the reason I have stayed single since the passing of his mother four years ago is the sense that moms today do not know how to let go. Perhaps this site can change my mindset!
Here’s an example of how much our culture has changed in a few decades: I was raised on the Upper West Side of NYC during the 60’s and 70’s by a relatively nervous mother (actually, she’s VERY nervous and worries about all sorts of things all the time). When I was a girl, somewhere between 9 and 10 years old, I started taking gymnastics classes at a gym that was all the way across town in the East 50s. My mother took me to the gym for a first visit on the #5 bus that stopped right at the end of my block.
The next Saturday, she sent me out the door with bus fare and I took the bus to the gym all by myself. I travelled safely by myself every Saturday on that bus trip for 2 or 3 years.
At age 13 I began commuting by subway an hour each way to my high school in the Bronx. Groups of kids would gather together on the train home – studying or goofing off, always without any adult supervision.
If my mother were raising me today, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been allowed to travel anywhere alone until I was late high school age or later!
I am heartened by finding your site. My husband and I are raising our 4-year-old daughter in a suburban community and I’m already wondering how to help her travel independently in this era of “parent as constant chauffeur.”
Access to mass transit is a huge advantage kids in places like New York and San Francisco have over their peers who live in the suburbs!
As a child my sisters and I were tossed out the door and told not to come back in until dinner time. We explored but there was always a group of kids. In our apartment, besides our son (9), there are only two other kids, a four and three year old. And I rarely see them outside.
We try to give our son his freedom but at the same time we live on a very, very busy street and so when he is playing outside he is stuck in our courtyard. We don’t interfere We also live to far away from school for him to walk on his own.
How can I make him self-reliant when he can’t explore on his own?
I have a specific message for “Sibling, on April 9th, 2008 at 6:56 pm ” I’m a free range kid and I also had a near “fall through the ice” experience as a child.
That must have been a horrible experience to lose your siblings. We feel so helpless in those kinds of situations, that the result is we want to feel in control of those situations, by controlling our kids. But that is *not* the answer when you’re talking about developing independent human beings. The child will one day be the adult and the parent will not be there. You want to be sure they *can* make good judgments, not blindly rely on safety nets that might not be there.
I was a free range kid, and have had a lot of thoughts about my childhood, with a new perspective on safety as a parent. In the end, though, raising kids free range is *important* — indeed, *imperative* — for their safety, not dangerous.
I had an “almost fall through the ice” incident in my childhood. I also thought about it with deadly fear now that I’ve become a parent. But then, I got a second perspective on it.
Here’s what happened:
My friend as I were walking in the woods behind my house. It was the end of winter. The pond was still frozen over but the air was warm. The ice was as clear as glass. I walked on one side, and she walked out to the other end. At once, there was a huge *CRACK* sound. I immediately dropped to my hands and knees. My friend stooped down too. We looked at each other, realized it was ok, laughed a moment, and carefully and slowly made our way to the edge and off the ice.
As an adult looking back, t first, I thought that I could have almost died. But when I thought again, it is not true.
My brother and mom and I ice skated on that pond all the time. My mom brought a hand-drill, but we all realized we could look into the ice and see the methane bubbles coming up from the rotted leaves, frozen into the ice. 8″ is enough to support people, she explained, so we always looked for 12″ or more, also knowing the bubbles are even further down because the water warps your view. She also pointed out that where the water comes in (stream) and goes out (pipe overflow in the middle) were warmer because the water is moving, so the ice will be thinner there.
I had checked the ice before walking out with my friend. My friend did not. I also knew the safe areas. My friend did not. When I heard the crack, I dropped to hands and knees specifically to distribute my weight. My friend dropped because she was scared and didn’t know what else to do. In every way, I had made a safe decision, safe action. I knew the limits of the ice, and stayed within those.
My friend also didn’t know how to follow my lead in situations she didn’t know about. At the time, I didn’t even think that she might not know, or if she didn’t know she might not ask. I thought she also had good judgment about what was safe and what wasn’t.
Her parents were over-protective. She had not developed good judgment. Lucky for me, I had.
You see, free range kids is not about just letting children run loose. That’s where people totally miss the point. The point is teaching children how to *make safe decisions for themselves*. The job of the parent is to monitor, explain, help, but let go. Hold the child’s hand when they cross the street, help them develop judgment by asking *them* to show you when it’s safe to cross, then let go when they seem ready.
It takes a parent who is very good at empathizing with the child, to see when they’re ready, and to help and not hinder when they are not. Fear blocks those abilities, esp the “let go” part, which is *crucial* to developing good judgment.
No, I was not in danger, *because* I had developed good judgment. My friend was, however, because she had not, and I realized as a parent that it is also a part of free range teaching to show the child that other (over-protected) children may not have developed good judgment, and that part of safety is to make sure their friends are making good judgments too.
After that, I had nightmares as a child, pouring over what I would have done if she had fallen through the ice. Even as a child, I was developing how to handle unsafe situations, looking for solutions, figuring out how to do better.
In the end, it is clear to me that free range children are in *fewer* unsafe situations than over-protected children because they control their actions with good judgment — and they have far more control over their actions than their parents ever could!! Esp. if they are fighting their parents’ over-protective controls!
I say “Bravo!!!!!” We all need to focus on giving children their childhood back! Obviously, that doesn’t mean being oblivious to what our kids are doing, where they are and who they are with, and it definitely means being consciencious of their safety. But if we take away every opportunity to create, explore, play freely and imaginatively and take calculated risks, they lose their ability to develop fully and healthy. Through these things they learn to cope and to hope. They learn about free choice and natural consequences. They learn competence and develop high self esteem.
These opportunities have become severely limited to the detriment of our children and ultimately our society. Kids who can’t cope or have no hope ultimately become society’s problems through violence, drugs, criminal behavior. Kids with low self-esteem and lacking competence do not become contributing members of society, but become more of a drain. Kids who do not naturally experience choice and consequence cannot grow into adults who make discerning choices. Its time to Revive Childhood!
My kids were free-rangers, and I’m hoping for the same for my granddaughter.
I remember (with astonishment now) how at 17 I made all the arrangements independently to take my SATs, send off my college applications, do all my student loan paperwork, etc, all by myself since neither of my parents had even finished high school. I had two orientations I had to attend before school started, and all the help I got from my parents was my dad driving me to the Greyhound terminal (there was no public transit) and leaving me to get to Pittsburgh, find my way to my friend’s mom’s house, from there to the school in McKeesport, back to the friend’s mom’s house, and home again. The only reason they drove me off to the campus when I moved into the dorm was that I had too much stuff to carry on the bus and they were curious about what college looked like, since they’d never been there.
I also had gotten my first non-babysitting job that summer. It was in another town, 9 miles away, no public transit. I found a friend from school (a boy my parents had never even met!) who went to work three miles from my job, and 90 minutes earlier. He dropped me off and I hoofed it three miles to a McDonalds’, where I ate an egg McMuffin and waited until my office opened. I cast about for a carpool and found a guy who drove past my house every day and would pick me up and drop me off in exchange for gas money.
Everybody — my parents, my siblings, me — took it as a given that I’d figure it all out. No coddling or fussing.
Is it any wonder I took off for Korea, sight-unseen, to take a job as an adult?
Hi I live in New Zealand and we dont have as much to worry about as you would in New York Or even in the usa and i think you need to read the news more and look at what is happening in the world these days …
Wake up lady !!!!!!!! Look after your kids
RNC Kid, you make a good point when you say, “Part of safety is to make sure their friends are making good judgments too.” Think of the heavy implications in risky behavior including drugs and alcohol that teens get into.
Christina, I liked reading about your college app and going-off-to-college experience, and your first real job. Inspiring indeed.
When I was younger there were times when I was nervous about the situations I was put in, but now I am completely grateful for it. I remember in Elementary school my mother leaving me alone in a department store and telling me to meet up with her in a half hour. At first I was nervous, but then excited about getting to look at what I was interested in and was probably much better behaved for it.
I rode my bike around the neighborhood growing up and as long as I was home by dark, everything was fine. Sometimes I crashed. There was some blood. There were some tears. But that’s what it’s all about right? You have to feel your way into adulthood and how do you do that without a little pain?
Once my parents got divorced the two households were two different worlds. My dad was extremely tight about what he let us do. My mom let us roam. We eventually stopped living with my father because that two room apartment began to feel like a prison.
When I have kids they will be free range. I will try not to care what other parents think, even though I know there will be negative comments.
We live in a nice neighborhood in Boston – but full of conservative, Irish-American, white neighbors who are threatened by anyone who is not like them. It also happens to be full of policemen and firefighters (who have to live in the city of Boston to have their job). Two of our adopted (from Social Services) children are biracial, the last is white, ages 2, 4 and 6. A year and a half ago we let the 5-yr old and 3-yr old play out front, while we observed from inside or kept a dog outside with them. We live on a non-through street, very little traffic, an the way to the commuter rail. We also have a large back yard with a tree house, a zip line, a hanging rope with knots, a very long-roped swing from a tall tree that has a huge arc, and other free-range things. We let the middle girl ride the zip line when she was 3. We hired two ponies for a 5-yr old birthday party, and made no-one sign wavers. The over-the-fencers give us ghastly looks, and tut tuts, at nearly all activities that take place in our yard. When I left my children in the front yard to answer the telephone for one minute, while 3 neighborly adults chatted right next to the two girls, the neighbors looked at me like I was negligent. When I returned, and they told me the 1-yr old in the child swing had been terrorized by the 3-yr old, I said “I know, she’s like that” and thanked them for looking on.
SHortly after, one of the friendly neighbors, with the assistance of the detective across the street, called child welfare services on us and accused of us not supervising our children properly. Of course, I accosted the people I knew were involved (who all acknowledged knowing that someone had done it, but it wasn’t them), and one of the women responded by reminding me about the recent abduction (by an invited acquaintence) in a town about an hour outside Boston. I told her I refused to raise my children based on groundless fears sensationalized by the news – and quoted the statistic about fewer abductions, less molestation, etc. now than in the past – and told her that unfortunately, every single incidence like that is now plastered all over the news immediately, just for scaremongering.
But, the bottom line is that, although the child negligence complaint was removed from our record after a year with no additional complaint, and was dismissed as being groundless because we had many many other neighbors write letters on our behalf about what great parents we are, we have been forced to never let our children play in the front yard anymore without us. We now also lock the gate to the back yard so they can’t escape, and we lock the front door so they can’t get out. This, on a non-through street with very little traffic in a sleepy neighborhood where we are surrounded by watchful, nosy, prying, judgemental people who call the police (or in our case, tell the local detective) whenever a strange car happens to drive through.
People who don’t think that children should ever be let out of your sight, at any age, can do damage in insidious ways to those of us attempting to teach our children not to fall by giving the child the possibility of doing so. Being accused of child endangerment is not something easily passed off. We can brag that none of our children has been rushed to the hospital, doctor, had stitches, broken bones, etc. And we have never had a gate on our stairs – and not one of the girls has fallen down the stairs. The detective, on the other hand, has a child who was rushed to the hospital to pump her stomach for drinking antifreeze. But that happened in their garage, behind a 10-ft fence, and of course, was an accident. But no one called child services on their oversight, and we, on the other hand, have been accused, on the record, of not properly supervising our children.
It is a cruel world. Beware of people who hate free-range thinking – of any sorts – and will undermine all efforts to create free-range children – in cruel and unjust ways. These people put themselves on the right side of the law and public opinion. Free -range childrearing only works as long as no one gets hurt, lost, stolen, killed, or arrested.
In 1955 I was stationed in Japan. The elementary students cleaned the school every Friday, this included the windows. The schools had a ledge under the windows for them to stand on. One of the schools was a 3 story building. I climbed rocks in a quarry and many times I found young children waiting for me at the top. They had used a path about a foot wide. I couldn’t use the path to get down. When I was 11 years old I helped my grandfather in roofing. I remember doing it in a snow storm. I helped him build a house the next year. I still use the lessons I learned 68 years ago!
It is important to protect children, but we must help them develop the skills to protect themselves. Sometimes they are going to get hurt. You don’t learn anything if you are always right.
Austin Cox
It is the over-protection of our children that has bred a generation of children that can not take care of themselves. If we educate our kids about how to be safe then the chance of something happening is greatly reduced.
I went searching for your story after an experience last night. My 10-year-old son wanted the chance to walk from our house to soccer practice behind an elementary school about 1/3 mile from our house. He had walked in our neighborhood a number of times with the family and we have driven the route to practice who knows how many times. It was broad daylight – 5:00 pm.
I had to be at the field myself 15 minutes after practice started, so I gave him my cell phone and told him I would be there to check that he made it and sent him off.
He got 3 blocks and a police car intercepted him. The police came to my house – after I had left- and spoke with my younger children (who were home with Grandma, btw). They then found me at the soccer field and proceeded to tell me how I could be charged with child endangerment. They said they had gotten “hundreds” of calls to 911 about him walking.
Now, I know bad things can happen and I wasn’t flippant about letting him go and not checking up, but come on. I live in a small town in Mississippi. To be perfectly honest, I’m much more concerned about letting him attend a birthday party sleepover next Friday, but I’m guessing the police wouldn’t be at my house if I chose to let him go (which I probably won’t).
Lori, unbelievable. At the sleepover that you’re considering not letting him go to, they could be surfing porn sites, playing online poker, and learning how to make a bomb online, but they’re indoors and “safe”. Yet he walks to soccer practice and they’re threatening you with CPS. We Jews call this Chelm, a fictional Eastern European town where everything is topsy-turvy.
I´m sorry if this sounds a little too “moralistic”, but I wonder… If your 4 yo child falls from a tree, a swing or even down your own staircase al home and breaks an arm, it´s your fault because you were sneezing at that precise moment and couldn´t keep an eye on her. But if that same child, twelve years later, drinks a whole sixpack by herself and gets pregnant, it´s something that just “has happened” to her, right?
My point is, at what point are we going to make our children responsible for their own actions? All of a sudden, when they are 18? I mean, I think a four year old should know how to climb a staircase properly, and not skipping it down, blindfolded (believe me, my children are so stupid they have actually tried this!).
Fortunately, their pediatrician agrees with me, but if she didn´t, I bet I would have been arrested quite a few times already!
Hello ,
I found your website very interesting and watched you on TV.
I am for letting your children have more free range.
Unfortunately, where I live in Canada, Social Services has stated that I am neglecting my 16yr old when I leave her home alone for one night on the weekend. I am prevented from parenting the way i see fit by the government. I even called to see if this was right and sure enough I was told I am way out of line. I thought If my 12yr old could babysit other peoples children alone then surely my 16yr old is old enough to look after herself.
Very frustrating how Social Services (Government) can tell you how to parent.
I am a professional nanny who was raised as a free-range child in the ’80s. I have been raising children for longer than most of today’s parents have been parenting and I am honoured to be highly sought after for my talents and knowledge. While I always adhere to the practices of the parents I work for, I still strive to instill. in my charges, a sense of free-range ethics. I have raised many well rounded and highly independent children– most of whom are excelling in life just as I am. I always try to make sure the families I work with and I are on the same page within our practices, but sometimes we are not. On occasion, a few of the families I have worked with started out as super-parents; scared to even let their children out of the room without their watchful gaze. But with patience, guidance and my example these same parents come to learn to relax some and their children are all the better for it.
I will say each child is different and should be raised individually. Exposing children to only one point of view isn’t education, it’s indoctrination. There are fine points from both super-parenting and free-range parenting that can benefit a child in today’s world. I think raising a child should be left to the discretion of the parents and their caregivers. A child should be taught, within their own limits, how to live in the world around them.
Children crave structure, but also crave freedom; there is a happy medium.
I will share with you an extremely sad story of a family I know of, who through their super-parenting, allowed their child to perish. Perils do not only exist outside the home.
A extremely over protective mother and father refused to allow any outside contact come to their growing infant child. As she grew, she was never exposed to the outside world– never allowed to venture outside or come into contact with anyone other than her family and her caregiver. When the parents finally allowed the child to go to church with them, she soon contracted a cough/cold from the other children in the nursery. Within the week of becoming ill, the child was dead. The doctors cited the child’s lack of immunity to her surroundings as the result of her death. That had she simply been exposed to the world in doses as she grew, she probably would not have died.
I know such extreme stories are few and far between, and most super-parents are not this over protected. However, my point is that there are dangers to each method of thought– and most *are* few and far between. Finding a middle ground that is best for your child is always the most efficient way to be the best parent you can be.
I just saw you on CTV – I think you are awesome. Let’s hope more people follow your lead.
Here an idea. Let people raise their children the way they want. I am definitely not a free range mother, it just doens’t feel right to me, I go by my gut instinct.
This is my choice, and my children are fine. However,
if you feel that it is best for your child to be free range then go ahead, it is your choice. You are the mother, and only you know what is right for your child. Every child is different. The problem with thoughts like this it can become like a religion, full of many bigots and fanatics. It is great to get together with like minded people, but pushing our shoving your beliefs onto others is just another form of being over zealous.
I just let my 10 yo son ride his bike to the library this weekend!!! This is the first time I have seen your blog and love it! I didn’t realize I was raising a free range kid! The funny thing about the bike ride to the library was he didn’t have a chain to lock his bike up when he got there! LOL We live in Staten Island, NY. The bike could have easily been stolen but, it wasn’t. I have to remind myself everyday of the things I did when I was his age and that helps me give my son free-range.
My friend said maybe she would let her son do that one day too but, then remembered the “big street” her son would have to cross. She immediately changed her mind. I told her there is a traffic light and he would have no problem crossing on the green light! She wasn’t convinced.
I think it’s a shame how scared parents have become. There is a difference between being worried and scared. I know I’m going to worry about my kids for the rest of their lives so I’m not going to be scared to let them live it!
I so want to be with you on this, but I’m just all to aware of the world we live in these days. I’m 31 & the world has changed since I was a kid.
I think you can do this more effectively if you live somewhere like a small town where the odds of something are much lower. Otherwise, you are taking a very risky gamble with your child’s welfare. Sure they might survive, but this sort of reminds me of my mom when she roles her eyes at my anal-ness when it comes to my kid’s car seats because she never put me or my sister in one and we survived. I always have to remind her of two things, first that there were fewer cars on the road back then and second, we were lucky.
I would like to agree with the small town thing. I do live in a small town and very rural. I feel much safer raising my kids where I chose to live. Especially great for those teenage years.
I work part of the year in Peru, and last year I had an eye-opening experience about the differences in the way rural Peruvians raise their kids vs Americans. It doesn’t sound like much: I, a stranger, gave a kid a piece of candy. But it bothered me to realize I would never have done that in the US.
A friend and I were going to my house, and this meant a long wait for the car to fill up with passengers before the driver would leave. This is pretty much the only method of transport available in rural Peru. The woman wedged in next to me in the back seat had her tired four-year-old on her lap. I had a bag of lollipops I’d bought in town, and I said to my friend “I wish I could give the kid some candy, but that would be creepy.” My friend said “Are you nuts? We’re in a station wagon with nine passengers, no seatbelts, certainly no child seat. That’s dangerous, and everyone in this car knows it. I don’t think his mom is going to object to a lollipop.”
It was oddly liberating to be able to give a piece of candy to a stranger’s child without fear that I would be considered a potential pedophile or child poisoner, and without worrying that he was on a strict organic, no sugar diet.
Now, I’m not advocating that people shouldn’t wear seatbelts. What I’m saying is that when you have real safety concerns for your kids, you don’t worry so much about boogeymen like the Stranger with Candy. And it’s not just kids who lose out from overprotection; adults lose simple pleasures to be had from interacting normally with kids.
I’ve recently talked with a friend that had a daughter who was 20 years old and had joined the navy. She had some problems and wanted out and due to a physical condition was released. Until she was able to be discharged she had a waiting period. The mom called the base everyday intervening for her daughter and wrote letters on behalf of her daughter. The daughter is out and living with grandma now (who has bought her a car and provides food and cell phone), hoping to find a job. This mom admitted that she would not, even now let this girl go a few blocks in our very small town alone. How will this 20-year-old cope when the mom isn’t there anymore, or grandma or whoever?
Another mom of a 21 year old recently brought her daughter home to live because she wasn’t able to find gainful employment in the “big city”. When she moved home she worked a job until she didn’t like it (maybe a month or so long employmemt). In the meantime, the mom was aggravated because the daughter was costing so much more now that she was living at home.
My kids come home to an open house and wait for me to come home 2 hours later from work. I am a single mom and my oldest is 13 and youngest is 7 with a 10 year old in between. I have no family for 200 miles. When they need to stay for after school activities, I tell them THEY will need to find a way home and they always do because I can’t leave my job. When I come home the younger two are usually together roaming the neighborhood with friends on their bikes. My 10 year old could be gone for hours. He does own a cell phone, so I know I can call or he can call, but that’s because there are no pay phones in our entire town. My 13-year-old (and 10-year-old on occason) has prepared supper on numerous occasions using the oven or skillet or deep fryer.
This is no different than the way I was raised. My boyfriend always says that I can’t raise my kids they way I was raised. He says times are different. I’d like to know what is different. Meanwhile, his 22-year-old and 19-year-old daughters are (though not living at home anymore) constantly asking for money to pay a bill or to buy tires for the car or to get groceries. I don’t want to be doing that when my kids are 19 and 22 because my child hasn’t learned independence. I would love to do it for fun, leaving an extra $20 – not because they’ve asked, because they wouldn’t ask. At 21 I was living on my own with my own money and sometimes had nothing to eat, but the independence was wonderful and it was all my own. I didn’t ask, I took 2 and 3 jobs at a time to make ends meet and I have survived. I’m still surviving and I know it goes back to being able to be independent and was allowed to fail or fall when I was given free range of the community…trips to the store on my bike at 10 and 11 to get candy and pizza, the local swimming pool all day long, the playground. Life lessons learned.
I think I found a link to your page on one of my LJ communities. Thank you!! I work at a university and deal with “helicopter parents” and their worthless kids. They are a royal PITA!
I have a toddler so some of this isn’t exactly relevant now, but sooner than I think it will be. We have a large fenced yard and I will let the urthling outside, keeping an eye on her from the window. She gets to explore the yard, behind the shed, the compost and brush pile. My first steps in making her a free range kid.
I am 54, I was raised in a small town on the central California coast. I was out and about everyday, as free range as you can get. Before I had a bike I walked, when I got a bike I rode everywhere. I have a 30 year old son, he was raised in rural south eastern California. He also roamed around on his alone with out any problems. For me it was around 1962-1970, for my son it was around 1986-94.
I now live in large suburb in northern Virgina and have a 4 year old daughter. Things are much different now then in 1962 or even 1986. I won’t be nearly as free with my daughter as I was with my son because the world we live in is not as safe as it was. I remember sitting on my dad’s lap driving the family car when I was 3 or 4. No one would advocate doing that these days, not to mention it’s illegal now. There were a lot fewer cars back then, no cell phones, and very few foreign drivers. It was relatively safe then, now it’s not.
As she grows up I’m not planning on hiring bodyguards to take her back and forth to the local park and I won’t have here check in on her cell phone every 5 mins but I won’t let her have free range, it’s a different world. I wouldn’t have said this 25 years ago, but now I feel it’s better to be safe then sorry.
Will the fact that I won’t let her have free range stop her from being taught manners, or learning to be responsible, or treating people with respect, or learning about finances and balancing a checkbook or being taught to live within her means with out a credit card (except for major emergencies) no of course not. She will be a fully functioning productive person when she reaches adulthood, absolutely!
Will I stop her from learning to ride a bike, swim (actually she both of these right now), drive a car, learn to SCUBA dive, jump out of airplanes, go rock climbing, no absolutely not. But I want her around to be able to do all those things. So if I’m a little over protective now, I can live with it.
Rock on Sister!! I have inadvertently stumbled onto your site and completely agree with you. I find that over-protective parenting is robbing this generation of independence, confidence and self-worth. If you are forever hovering around your kids and making big deals of very small occurances then you are doing a great disservice to your child. They will grow up being anxious and self-doubting, forever looking for an authority figure watching over them when making even the most trivial of decisions. Instill confidence in your children by raising them to accept responsibility for their actions and giving them the space to make their own decisions. Obviously within reason. The problem is, this takes a dose of common sense which I find is pathetically lacking in too many parents. Just my two cents. Keep fighting the good fight.
Josette Kramer, wrote
“…The problem with thoughts like this it can become like a religion, full of many bigots and fanatics. It is great to get together with like minded people, but pushing our shoving your beliefs onto others is just another form of being over zealous.”
I’m sorry I thought Lenore was just exercising her First Amendment right of free speech. (as are we all in this forum).
As far as shoving her beliefs, did you freely come to this website or did she shove it down your computer without your permission?
Kids without supervision are targets. That’s acutally ok with me. One less snot nosed urchin roaming freely won’t be missed.
WOW! This is so cool. I just thought this was normal parenting, now I know I am a free-ranger. That is how I was raised (along with my four brothers) and we all survived to adulthood unscathed (well maybe a little scathed, but we’re fine now). My mom never worried, and neither do I. My husband thinks I should worry more (?!?), and he tends to tighten the reigns a little. I just think I am a normal, NON-overprotective parent.
Sibling: While your story is a tragic one, it is also a moronic one. What makes you think that if there was supervision that the kids would have survived? What makes you think that if they were chained to abusive overprotective parents preventing them from developing properly that they would even WANT to go outside?
When you look at something in hindsight, it always seems easy to see what was going to happen and how to stop it. When you are in the situation, however, it is impossible to predict. This is for the same reason that weather predictions are wrong, but weather histories are correct. There are so many trillions of factors at play that it is impossible, even with perfect and complete information, to prevent tragedy.
To the author: Shout it loud! 1/3 of American adults are on antidepressants. 50%+ of marriages end in divorce. Rational thought has all but disappeared in favor of emotionally immature adults caving in to their emotional whims. Research suggests that the reason the developed world has so much more depression than third world countries do is due to the abuse of overparenting. The brain does not develop on its own. It HAS TO have extremely intense experiences. Those experiences cause brain development. They cause new axonal connections in the brain. They alter the strength of connections and break other connections. All of these things are development. Sheltering removes this and the brain does not develop if the intense experiences are removed.
To people who think unsupervised kids are “targets”: Targets of what? Crime against children from strangers has never been lower in recorded history. Stop slurping down your fear porn every night on the news and caving in to your ignorant ideas generated by your own immature brains and the human flaw of confirmation bias. Learn about learning. Read up on rational thought and stop paying attention to your intuition. Your intuition evolved to deal with tiny personal issues of little importance. It kept humans alive when they had to figure out things like not eating rotted meat. It is completely incompetent (dangerously so) at dealing with any topic that involves large groups of people, evaluation of the statistical validity of concepts drawn from guesses formed from nothing but anecdotes, etc. If you were notified every single time there was a car accident, you would be paralyzed with fear. You wouldn’t even leave your home for fear of being run over. You are being just as ludicrous with your children, and you are hurting them.
To amplify on some things that otakucode said, confirmation bias is the (pretty much universal) human tendency to pay more attention to and give more weight to information that tends to support one’s existing beliefs than information that tends to oppose them. It appears that this is rooted in the way the human brain is wired; research is suggesting that it actually takes quite a bit more mental effort to weaken a belief than to strengthen one. One implication of this is that if people are exposed to an equal amount of equally strong information both in favor of and against a widely-held belief, the result is not, as you might naively guess, that their positions would be unchanged afterwards, but rather that those who held the belief will be more “certain” about it.
Thus, when Susan Smith reported that a black male had carjacked her car and kidnapped her two kids, most everyone’s belief that the world was a dangerous place for random kids was strengthened (as well as the belief that black men are dangerous). When the news came out that the carjacking had never happened and that Smith had deliberately drowned her kids in the delusional belief that getting rid of them would bring her boyfriend closer to her (!), little if any of that fear subsided. There was a case about 20 years ago where a girl disappeared and a large number of people became convinced that she had been abducted and murdered by Satanic cultists. To this day, some groups occasionally conduct digs where people believe her body might have been buried. These people are absolutely, totally convinced that she was a victim of Satanic kidnap/murder, and nothing will change that belief. Not even the news stories where she’s interviewed about it. That’s right, she’s alive and well (she was kidnapped by her own grandfather and eventually found unharmed).
The main reason that the scientific method exists is that it serves as a (incomplete) check on confirmation bias; it’s a form of mental discipline that makes it more likely that we’ll perceive what we actually do see, rather than what we’d like to see. Again, as otakucode pointed out, our various ways of mentally cutting corners (technically known as cognitive biases, cognitive distortions, and heuristics) evolved as a way for us to make snap decisions about simple recurrent everyday matters. If we didn’t have these modes of reasoning and had to fully thing through everything we did, we’d be essentially paralyzed. But those modes of reasoning fail us when we’re trying to make non-routine decisions that deal with uncommon or unfamiliar events.
Also, people’s “intuitive” judgment of probability is in general simply wrong (that’s probably why most people find the study of statistics so difficult; properly understanding it involves unlearning a lot of wrong concepts). Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman did a lot of famous experiments demostrating this (among other things, they found that while it may appear to spectators that basketball players sometimes develop a “hot hand” and go on successful shooting streaks, their performances are entirely consistent with random variation around their normal shooting percentages). The latter won a Nobel prize in economics for this work, since it’s very applicable to the way people make financial decisions (like why people would invest their life savings with someone who Madoff with them).
I grew up in a small town in Minnesota; there were roughly 50 kids in our small neighborhood. Literally, we knew every single person with in a five mile radius. We recognized a new car on the block, and the adults promptly found out who this new person was. None of the houses had a fence, and most had playsets, so we had lots of play areas to choose from that were, at least partially, supervised. We also played at the end of the street, in a wooded, dirt lot.
In the summertime, we’d wake up at the crack of dawn, ride our bikes down to the lake (about a 1/8 mile away), stay there all day, and come back at dark. In the winter, we’d hang out with the ice fisherman, or ice skate on the lake.
Yes, we ended up safe, but it truly was a different time. We knew our neighbors… I couldn’t tell you who lives beside me right now. More mothers stayed home, and checked up on us, even if we weren’t their child. There was a sense of community, which doesn’t occur as often now. I’m sure there are some places that still have old fashioned values, where neighbors look out for neighbors, but I don’t know where.
Maybe ignorance is bliss. Maybe if we didn’t have 50 different news channels on cable, and 8 news broadcasts a day on any given network channel, all with a scrolling headline bar at the bottom, and text message updates of news sent to our phones, we wouldn’t be so terrified.
Or maybe, one too many children were hurt, abused, and died, and we were forced as a nation to stand up for our children.
Now, I am all for giving children freedom, and encouraging them to have independence, but there is a difference between that and endangerment. Should a 9 year old be allowed to walk a 1/2 mile in a safe, suburban neighborhood to go to soccer practice. Sure, given that the child is mature enough. Should a 9 year old be allowed to play all day outside without checking in (as we did). In my opinion, absolutely not. Times have changed, unfortunately.
Maybe the dangers for children haven’t increased much over the past 30 years, but knowing what we know now, should we continue to expose children to unnecessary risks? I won’t. But my child also won’t live in a bubble. Moderation is the key, and I find that a lot of people who agree with this “free range” theory are lacking it, sorely.
I love it when kids are unsupervised. There more gullible than there parents think.
I love controversies like this, different people have such different attitudes!!
I always remember that on average children are safer away from family/close friends of family , as this is where most abuse occurs. Scary.
Of course you need to have free range children, at what point do you let them go if not?
Let them think for themselves.
My mother was a helicopter parent… one of the reasons I don’t talk to her anymore.
I live in a small townhouse complex and last summer my then 11 year old daughter started playing outside with other kids in the complex. It was a mixed age group, the older kids looked after the younger ones and they played outside for hours having a wonderful time. I was thrilled because it reminded me of my childhood when we would be gone all day just playing with other kids in the neighborhood. I really think that it fostered a sense of independence that serves me well today.
Well I got a letter from the condo association saying that any child under the age of 14 had to be supervised when outside or their parent would be fined $50. It also stated that any adult could approach my child and ask her for her name and unit number. This I saw as much more dangerous than kids outside playing. I was furious. It turned out that the policy was never enforced and I continue to let my child out to play but just the fact of this policy angered me.
At our annual Condo association meeting the policy was brought up and I stated that I had two problems with it, one that children need unsupervised play time and that it doesn’t make you a bad parent if your child is playing outside and also that, according to a real estate agent I know, having such a family unfriendly policy was bringing down the value of my property. The property value argument was dismissed out of hand for some reason and I was then attacked for letting my now 12 year old out. Apparently it means I want her dead.
I really feel that the 24/7 news cycle has made us feel that the world is much less safe than when I was a kid when statistics show that the possibility of a stranger snatching your kid is just about the same as 30 years ago. When I was 11 or 12 there was a horrible stranger abduction where a girl was raped and murdered in my town but my parents didn’t suddenly not let us out of the house. Now a child is murdered, probably by her mother, and thousands of miles away and my 12 year old is not considered safe outside by herself.
Someone should keep an eye on MLester.
I am the oldest of six “Free Range” kids who walked or rode miles every day during the summer and most of the days during the school year. Once we passed the requisite swim test, we even went to the pool by ourselves. Whether it was New England, Texas, or Utah, my parents taught us common sense rules and expected us home at or before the streetlights came on. Easy. And we all survived without needing Lassie to go back and get the grown-ups! (Without going into too much detail, let me say that it may have been safer outside our home!)
As a single father raising my three kids alone, I have come to realize that the only reason I see any kids outside is due to the fact that I’ve allowed mine to go outside. When my kids and I go somewhere, the street is empty when we return…until my kids go back out and start knocking on their friends’ doors. It’s sad and hilarious at the same time.
Consider this, naysayers: the child abduction rate has not increased in 100 years! Your tv is ruining your kids’ lives. My kids are fit and win ribbons at Field Day while your kids are getting fat and anti-social in front of their computer screens. (Yes, we have a PlayStation, but I actually tell my kids to get off their butts and go outside…especially when it’s nice and they’re arguing over a stupid controller!) Real Kids Play Outside!
I’m so glad I found this. I was just contemplating weather or not I could let my kids (7&8) go the science center by themselves for a couple of hours while I go to a meeting a mile away. I started doing online research and found this website. I think it rocks! My kids are responsible independent children. They follow the rules and they have a phone if they ever need to get in touch with me. I know most parents would absolutely think I was the worst parent ever. It sure beats letting them stay home (which I do all the time). They have each other, when I was a child it was just me and I stayed home alone ALL the time. I loved it. My kids ride their bikes to school and stay after and play at the park. I know where they are at at all times, I’m not negligent, I’m letting them have a childhood.
The kids that are given freedom and independence will be the leaders of tomorrow. Those kids who are not allowed to stay home alone or think for themselves will be depending on mommy to write their resumes for them, and you know what she probably will.
I love what you are writing. I believe we can put trust in kids and their ability to make good decisions. It seems like free play and exploration is genetically imprinted in all of us and putting kids indoors or on “lock down” might cut them off from the experience of truly living. Thank you for putting this out into the world. I was raised a free range kid and survived. Although there are numerous stories of broken bones or even death we cannot stop the urgency to live and explore.
You rock, Michael and Beth, keep saying it loud about the 24/7 sensationalism. I live overseas and when I went home (Kansas City) to visit during the Natalie Holloway (was that her name?) spring break murder, my mom couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard about it, i.e., that it wasn’t the breaking news all over the planet. After a day of seeing the faces of Natalie, her grief-stricken parents, and all manner of detectives and investigators paraded by us constantly, my husband finally commented: “The same day she went missing, so did hundreds of other kids , but they weren’t blond…from ‘nice’ [i.e., suburban] homes…in other words, like us, and therefore newsworthy.”
My mother raised me ‘free-range’ and I have great respect for it. She thought me how to take the bus to school on my own. We lived in Sao Paulo, Brazil and I was 10. Her actions, however, were frowned upon by some of her friends, who either drove their kids or hired a driver (really, brazilian middle-class can easily afford that and a maid). On the other hand, after two years of my independent bus experience, others asked her to have me escort their kids o the bus too. I do believe she has some regrets because I became very independent very quickly, and was a little out of control as a teenager. To me it was a wonderful learning experience that sets me apart from most people my age. There is a fine line between caring for a child’s safety and caring for their well being, and preventing freedom in actions and thinking
Im definitely sending this website to my mom. Thank You.
I am a grandmother, and I am strongly in favor of free range kids. Yes, kids need to be aware of the dangers that exist and they need to be empowered to cope with them. The mother, Lori, who wrote in was being a an excellent mom, but unfortunately, she lives in a community that makes that impossible. I wonder if anyone actually phoned the police, or were they just being officious.
I am so glad to have found out about your blog and movement.
I don’t have kids, yet, and so have not been bombarded with modern-day ‘facts’ to scare me. Having been a rather ‘free-range kid’ myself in the 70s (in a big city), I have been mystified by parents’ comments and assumptions of unsafety regarding activities I fully expect I would let my own kids do.
Since I know there’s no way for me to know how I’ll feel until I’m actually in the situation, it’s a relief to see I’ll have a movement on my side to help me stay balanced in my deliberations!
I am a 50 year old mother of three. All of my friends talk about the “good old days” when they were free to roam at will. None of them let their own kids do that though. When I ask why they point to the high rate of crime. None of them believe me when I say that the world is no more dangerous now than it was then. In fact, I say, crime rates are lower now than they were in the 90’s. They think I am crazy. They point to all the predators listed as living in town as if there were no predators before. We just didn’t know which houses they lived in.
My oldest daughter walks to and from school but someone’s well meaning mother almost always stops to offer her a ride. Especially if it is under 40 degrees. Don’t want kids to be cold either I guess.
My younger kids take a school bus and I even have friends that think that is dangerous. They don’t want their younger kids mixing in with 8th graders. You never know what they might hear or see!
I started letting my son ride his bike around town when he was 10 years old.
I thought one friend might contact the authorities she was so against the idea. Her 12 year old son is not allowed to walk 3 blocks to our house to hang out. She drives him over and picks him up. That same parent was aghast when she discovered that she would not be able to have daily cell phone contact with her children while they were away at resident camp.
The only concern I have with letting my kids roam is that they are often forced to be alone when they do it because no one else’s kids are allowed to go along. It would be much more fun to go exploring if only my son had a cohort to do it with.
I will say it is funny that the most conservative parents when it comes to roaming will let their kids play the most heinous video games and see the most inappropriate movies.
Rock on Free Range Parents – we are raising the next generation of free thinking, creative, entrepreneurial, inventive humans
I totally agree and would like to give hope to everyone. There is at least one country in the World where free range children are something normal – Switzerland. I have been living in Switzerland for 1,5 year already and can honestly say that it is free range or at least close to it.
Simple example – 4-5 year old children are walking alone to Kindergartens! I know – sometimes it is only 100-200 meters but still. 9-10-year-old commute alone around Zurich and there is nothing strange about it!
I don’t know if the crime rate is here lower or maybe… they just don’t have this kind of “fear culture”.
Anyway – this kind of approach is one of the reasons why I am planning to stay here at least till my children are 20.
Right on, Diane, from a 49-year-old mom of three. I can identify with the frustration of your free range kids having to roam alone, ’cause no one else will let their kids out of their sight. You’re not alone!
I’m in the UK, but I’m raising free range kids too.. My two are 10 and 11 and walk to school on their own, about 10 minutes away. They go to the park on their own and play with their friends during the summer when the weather is good. They go round to their friends houses to play and they go to town together to spend their pocket money..
They always have to let me know where they are going and they always have to have their mobile phones on them when they go out..
As far as I’m concerned I’m a parent, not a prison warder!!!
Constrast that with my childhood where I was never allowed out to play, never allowed to go to a firends unless it was for a birthday party and my mum took me.. The only kids I had to play with as a child were my brother and sisters!!!
I was not aware of your book (and will now read it!) I stumbled upon this quite by accident –
We raise our kids as ‘free range’ as possible, and in fact, have long since referred to them as such.
My husband is an educator, and we had the pleasure of living in housing that was provided by our school, a former boarding school, for several years. It meant that our kids had a large protected enclave in which they could play – free to jab sticks in the mud, hunt for spiders, feed turtles, and ride their bikes up and down a long path.
When we moved, and finally purchased our own home, being in a neighborhood space that would still enable us to encourage some of that was important – that is not-too-busy streets and lots of outside space.
We are in an urban neighborhood with houses close together and minimal lots, with a shared drive along the back of houses and a cul du sac on either end. Our kids are outside all the time, and we whistle for them when it is time to come in.
There are few kids in the neighborhood afforded the same freedoms. I fear my kids may never know the joy of long bike rides, exploring – or the friendships born of walking to school. I hate it.
Over-scheduled summers, pricey sports activities, no one to roam with… paranoia nourished and encouraged…mandatory adult supervision… “play dates” ….It all feels so artificial and SO very scary.
Thanks for bringing the topic out. I look forward to following this blog.
against. not realistic in today’s world.
Theoretically – for. I can’t say what I’ll do when the time comes when my baby wants to go outside, she is only 4 months.
Here’s the background: I grew up in small-town Germany, cycling around the blocks aged 4, and I was walked to school for a total of the first 5 days, aged 7. For the rest of my school days I was first walking and then cycling with a friend, or alone as a teen.
Now I live in central London, and it’s obviously not the same. There’s the regular roaming homeless lady asking for money for the next hit (she makes that clear), a whole set of dodgy types on the market, 2 minutes away from home, and in general a less patient traffic than what I grew up with.
There’s no woods to play in here, but there _is_ a park 3 blocks away. Will I let her run down there on her own aged 4-5ish, like I went off to the playgrounds back in the day? I can’t say, right now I’d be worried to death. If I get a chance of moving to a place that resembles the perceived safety of my childhood, will I do that? Probably.
Giving advice for the black-and-white situations is easy, you seem to try instilling common sense, which is good, but aren’t most cases more like shades of grey?
Absolutely for it. Absolutely realistic in today’s world. I graduated from high school in 2003.
I grew up in a middle-class suburb bordering Chicago which, while we lived there, began turning into a hub of organized crime where a lot of Sopranos-like families lived in mansions in relatively bucolic suburban enclaves. (We moved out when I was eight because of this changing climate. My classmates who stayed in the area to adulthood are still fine too.)
When my brothers and I walked to school on nice days, a distance of about a mile, other parents complained that my parents were cruel. When my dad suggested that the boy scout troop he led take a camping trip, the mothers said they’d rather their boys go miniature golfing.
I am so far free range kids. I don’t have kids yet, but I think I’d raise them the same way I was. Sure I couldn’t take the bus to the mall alone until I was 15, but what kid goes to the mall the next time over on the bus alone to begin with?
I’m sure my parents and my sister would support my choice as they both raised us that way, and my sister will raise her kids the same. Since when did the world become such a bad place? Most stats are the same as years before, you just hear more about it now.
I have to say I fully agree with this. I am a 23 year old grad school student. I have a friend that will not even exercise outside because she is worried she will get kidnapped. SHE IS 23 AS WELL! I cannot imagine what sort of childhood she grew up with that as an adult now, she can’t even go to her mail box without fear. I beg parents to please think before coddling their children. You might be raising a child to become my friend.
Thanks!
Angelina,
You are a genius. I mean, when you said that anybody who would leave their children in a car with “please steel me” [sic]. It’s STEAL, you stupid fool. If you cannot even spell, then you should not be having children.
Lindsay
Whoa, Lindsay, I agree that Angelina’s off the charts AND that she can’t spell, but if a spelling test were a prerequisite to parenting, everyone except you and I would flunk! : )
I’m making the following post for theraputic reasons, so please excuse me if I’m a bit verbose.
I’m 26 and live in Seattle. Technically a “millenial”, I was blessed with parents who gave me some serious roaming area as a child. They were even so bold as to assist me by giving me a bike. After my homework was done, it was, “Go outside and play. Where do you plan on heading? Okay, be back before the street lights come on.” No TV, video games or computer in my room – I had a stereo and a loaded book case, but not even those were utilized until after dark.
Now, I am a moderator and site editor for a popular true crime blog, DreaminDemon.com. Due to the fact that we commonly focus on crimes against children, our fan base generally consists of women, most of whom are mothers. We’ve currently got two articles featured in our forums that have horrified me – not necessarily because of the content, but because of the reaction from a lot of these mothers.
The first is a story of a West York mother whose 7 year old daughter was picked up by police while trying to cross a busy road at rush hour. Her mother is now being charged with child endangerment. From what I can tell, this busy road was a mere 2 blocks from the child’s home, and there is no reason to believe the child was trying to cross in an unsafe manner.
The response to this story was terrifying. Mothers came out of the wood work to exclaim that THEIR child isn’t even allowed in their own yard without parental supervision, and that the mother in question was a lazy *expletive* for not driving her to the store. We think so little of the ability of our 7 year olds, apparently. What’s worse? I cite expert after expert who assert that depriving your child of unsupervised time can actually impair their development of executive functions like self control. They don’t care. No matter how much science I cite, they refuse to change their minds.
The next story is a particularly tragic one about an 8 year old girl that’s been recently abducted from her trailer park. Her parents let her go play at 4:00pm – well within daylight – and called police to report her missing a mere four hours later. Sounds to me like parents who are concerned and attentive. But not to these mothers our my site! Some of them have actually gone so far as to directly blame these parents for their daughter’s disappearance, claiming that allowing an 8 year old girl out alone is so inappropriate, these parents “obviously don’t care about the well-being of their child.”
It makes me sick to think of all these kids out there who won’t have the same memories that made my childhood magical – racing a tribe of other little kids down a hill, smiles on our faces and wind in our hair (or helmets, I guess); creating forts in the woods near my house and packing picnics to take down there and eat; killing time during summer vacation down at the pet store or comic store in town because there was no one to play with at the time.
No amount of family vacations or scheduled “play-dates” or karate lessons could have made up for that, yet, that’s the best an increasing number of children can hope for, even though violent crime is at 40 year lows. It’s heartbreaking.
I know kids who were raised by helicopter parents and, without exception, they hit 18 like a brick wall. Most of them, at 26, still live at home. They’re good people, but I believe they could have been so, SO much better with the benefit of a little freedom, as a child. Instead, they’ve been literally stunted by hyper-protection. We are artifically extending the childhoods of our children, then complaining when they’re not self-sufficient adults.
So, although I do not yet have children of my own, I am wholly committed to the free-range mindframe, and I really have to salute parents who are currently employing it. Cheers to you brave people! Sometimes, it’s easy for me to forget that sane parents really exist.
Yam Erez,
Aside from the spelling error, Angelina made an angry post to something she thought was horrifying. However, she did not calm herself down enough to check her work. As a parent, I can imagine anger is something that happens. But when I was a preschool teacher (8 two year olds), I found the times when I was angry to be the best times to teach. If this lady flies off the handle like that, how is she when her kids make her mad?
Linz
Very much in favor. Most parents today helicopter their children into apathy, incompetence, ineffectuality, and serious emotional problems. It’s nice to see that there are people out there who are still sane.
Athena, you’re wise (like your name)! Your post reminded me that there is also psychological helicopter parenting. While my folks gave us free range, they let us know in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that though we might be Eagle Scouts, we wouldn’t manage in the world outside [my hometown]. Sad. My three [older] sibs still live in town. I live overseas, but in a gated community. Not a coincidence. A word to the wise…
I’m glad you have a website like this. My parents are very overprotective, and I wish I had been raised differently. If I choose to have kids, or adopt, I will take your policies into mind
I am FOR Lenore.
I adore my kids, and I certainly don’t want them in harm’s way. But I love watching them out climbing the local trees and traveling with the local pack of kids in our neighborhood.
When I was 14, my dad worked in the center of Los Angeles. He would take me into work on summer days, give me a little money, and tell me, “be back here at 5PM and call me if you need me.” I have the greatest memories of Olvera Street, Japan Town, China Town, and riding the new glass elevators at the Bonneventure Hotel. I was a kid, alone, exploring Los Angeles, eating a dip sandwich at Phillipes and having the time of my life. I am not so sure I’d drop my kids off there the way my dad did, but I am grateful for the freedom I had.
Thanks for reminding me of the power a bit of freedom had in my own development.
Has anyone noticed how much more common study abroad is now than a generation ago? I have a theory: It’s both more affordable AND less adventurous than backpacking through Europe. Nearly every twenty-something I know did a semester abroad; yet the oldest American-born* person I know who did the Eurail thing is over 50 years old. Why do you suppose that is? Because for kids raised in the ‘burbs, study abroad is a continuation of what they’re used to: adults organizing their activities, complete with being met at the airport and driven straight to their dorm, then being given a schedule of where to be and what do to every weekday, i.e., structured. Thoughts, observations, anyone?
*not so with Israeli-borns, who the minute they complete their IDF service are strapping on their backpacks and heading off for either South America or the Far East, naturally leaving behind terrified parents… : )
Great blog. I am for – my kids grew up as free range kids, though the term wasn’t thought of. They are now 17 and 22, healthy and happy.
For! When I was seven minutes late to pick up my daughter from school and found her crying, I began to suspect that I had failed as a parent. Not because I was late, but because my daughter had no skills to deal with seven minutes of non-supervision. Since then, we made some changes. Step by step we went free range. They have played outside (at a playground across the street) without incident. Sure, there is the occasional skinned knee or bumped head, but that happens when I am with them too.
When my parents wanted to take my daughters to a museum I told them to let the girls direct them. They walked them to the T station ( I live in Boston) and told them where to transfer and what direction to go. While I wouldn’t let them take the T alone now, by age nine I am sure they will doing it routinely.
They also load and unload the dishwasher, can wash and cut vegetables to make a salad, follow a recipe to make cookies, pour their own drinks and cereal, use a toaster and a microwave, and make change for up to 5 dollars (selling their old books at a card table on the sidewalk). They know that they can get help if they need it, but I have learned that most of the time they don’t need me as much as I want to be needed.
I had pre-ordered Free-Range Kids and am about half way through it. LOVE IT!
I just read about your site in this morning’s newspaper and I cannot say enough good about your ideas. I was a “free range” child myself and I tried as much as possible to do the same for my kids, who are now 24 and 27. As a child my mother’s constant refrain was “go out and play” and although I was given some general boundaries (which I’ll admit I generally ignored a bit, stretching the limits as much as I thought I could get away with) I believe that I grew up street smart and confident as a result. My husband, raised in a totally different city, also had a lot of freedom and lack of “structure” while he was growing up. So we were on the same page regarding what was appropriate for our children.
As for my own kids…it was a struggle for them because we moved to the suburbs of a smaller city where there weren’t many sidewalks and no real public transit. But they could “cut through the yards” to a nearby development and visit their friends, although their friends’ parents would never allow their children to come to our house that way. My daughter, in college, wrote a beautiful poem for her brother that described how he taught her to play ball in an empty field near our house and how “being home before dark” was all she had to worry about as a pre-teen out exploring the world.
I am not naive…but I am convinced that children can be taught to navigate the world safely…or at least as safely as is reasonably possible. Establishing gradually expanding limits helps children learn self-discipline at an early age. I never worried about handing my children car keys when they learned to drive because that step was only a gradual transition from the freedom they had on foot and bicycle as they grew up.
Yes, other parents thought I was nuts. They didn’t mind, of course, as long as my kids came to play in their yard. Of course as the children got older then I was less aware of what they did. Some parents wouldn’t like that idea, but my history with my children convinced me that I could generally trust them.
Was that trust misplaced? Maybe. I certainly did a lot of things that I never told my parents about and they never found out about. I suspect my kids were “a little bad” also. But what do parents expect to do? Keep their children on a short leash forever? We only really learn by making mistakes and better small mistakes when they are young than really big mistakes when they are older.
I’m not surprised there are lots of parents raising independent children and speaking out against the frankly ridiculous parenting culture in the US today.
What does surprise me are the numbers of people who apparently disagree with the philosophy behind Free Range Kids to such a degree that they are praying for something to happen to Izzy to teach Lenore a lesson, “god forbid” (they hasten to add, while nearly drooling at the thought of all the dangerous things that could happen to a 9 year old boy on the subway).
Yeah, I probably wouldn’t let my kids do it, but if Lenore trusts her son enough to let him take the subway on his own, more power to her! Why does it bug you so much? If you don’t agree with it, don’t do it. It’s as easy as that.
Take a moment and ask yourself: why am I writing hate mail to this woman? Is it that her son has more freedom than your kids? Is it her refusal to live in a perpetual state of anxiety? It’s her kid, she’s allowed to raise him the way she wants. As you are allowed to raise your kids the way you want. What’s the problem?
But no, you’ve got to write in hoping that her family is broken up and her kid taken away “for his own good”. Really? Think about it. You want to punish the family with a REAL TRAGEDY (mother jailed) because of a POTENTIAL tragedy (something could happen while he’s taking the subway). And you still claim to be acting out of “concern” for the child! Can you not see how sick that is?
Seriously. Take a deep breath, think it through, and try to figure out why the idea of someone doing something different from you threatens you enough to wish real harm on this woman’s family.
Anne and ChemProf, you’re both right on. You made such articulate points. I wish every parent could read what you each wrote.
Another thought / theory: Could the rise in juvenile obesity be related to lack of free range? It occurred to me while reading this Carolyn Hax comment: “This may explain youth fitness and obesity: Mediocre players won’t play tennis or soccer or field hockey or football or whatever out of fear of not being the best.”
OR because they’re benched or don’t make the team in the first place, where in previous generations, sports were played on a sandlot and everyone just got in there and played regardless, ’cause that’s what there was…
Yea! I’m definitely FOR. My sister directed me to your website and I’m so glad she did – I now know there is a term for moms like me – I’m a Free Range parent!
I let my boys (ages 5 and 4) play outside ‘unsupervised’ in my upscale neighborhood in the suburbs of Houston. I have lots of windows allowing me to see/hear them while they play, a big front yard with sidewalks separated from the street by a 6+ foot grassy median, and friendly neighbors who know the boys well. One day a ‘helpful’ stranger actually stopped to ring my doorbell to alert me that my child was playing outside! Surely he must have sneaked out without my permission… I was actually watching him from the kitchen window so I know he wasn’t doing anything worthy of concern, just blowing a whistle in the driveway. It’s incredible and very dismaying that the mere sight of a child playing alone in their front yard is now so anomalous as to inspire someone to stop and make sure everything is fine.
I have a PhD in Public Health so I know a thing or two about actual and perceived risk, but trying to inform other moms is like blowing smoke in the wind. Keep spreading the word!
My name is Leo, I’m 12 years old. I am really glad to see someone who is so supportive of giving your children freedom. My parents regularly visit your web page (that’s how I found out about it, actually). In fact, on a recent trip to San Fransisco for a chess camp I go to, your site gave my parents the idea to let me ride the BART subway through San Fransisco on my own! It was a lot of fun.
I had a lot of fun reading the comments on this page, the really entertaining ones are the angry, random ones, such as this one:
“i saw u on dr. phil and it was awesome but u r stupid to let ur kid out in the open for strangers to attack him. GAY ASS”
Thanks for a quality site!
A follow up to my last comment: Free range parenting is important in the real world, but it is also important in the computer world.
Imagine if someone came into your local library every week and removed a list of books he did not like. He never provided any reason for doing so.
Think this could never happen? Think again. It’s happening right now.
If you follow your child around online by using a keylogger or web filter, you are not only restricting your childs ability to learn about they way things work, but you are baseing what you censor from your child on the beliefs of the web filtering company. The filtering software (censorware) might believe that a controversial web page should be blocked, while the parent thinks differently. A stranger does not have the right to decide what your child can see or hear. Your child has the right to form their own opinions.
If you treat them like small children, they are going to act like small children.
-Leo Kelly, 12
Good point, Leo. I never installed a filter, and am nagged by the thought that perhaps I should, but since reading your post, I realize that the culture of fear has simply gone from our streets and playgrounds to cyberspace. No filters here.
All for free range kids – as a Brit living in Oakville Canada Im surrounded by cossetted kids and over acheiving parents. My 3 kids invent games with empty boxes, ride their bikes dressed up as tigers, play out with no coats on, climb any sort of raised surface they can find and play out from 7am in the morning till it goes dark. What do they get from this? They know to put layers on when theyre cold, they learn what is safe to climb when theyve experienced the falls, know how to entertain themselves on a 21 hour roadtrip to Florida, they rarely utter ‘Im bored’! D H Lawrence said if you want to raise a successful child – “leave them alone, leave them alone, leave them alone”. How frustrating will it be for those children who have never had a proper day off in case they squander future gains, in reality how many kids make it to the TOP of their chosen hobby of job – 1 or 2% Parents get real, let kids be kids, and get a life of your own!!!!
Go, Ms. Bongo! Anyone who’s raising kids who can be on the road for 21 hours and not be abandoned at the end of the ride is doing something right!
I think overprotective parents are doing their kids a disservice and not just for the obvious reasons. If someone is always over your shoulder saying “that’s not safe.” “Stay away from that stranger.” etc it undermines a child’s own inner voice. Kids are born with a sense of their environment and can pick up when things feel “off” even if they don’t know why. You undermine this and you end up with kids who cannot stave off predators, dangerous situations and dangerous peer pressure. Let your kids think for themselves and know their inner barometer and they’ll be fine.
My free range kid.
Age 3: Walked around the block by himself.
Age 5: Started walking to school by himself.
Age 9: Solo all day public transportation explorations.
Age 10: Dental cleaning and hair cuts on his own.
Age 13: Solo air travel to new cities and countries.
Age 15: Foreign Exhange Student.
Age 16: Summer job overseas.
Age 18: Started college in another state.
Age 19: Got a job on the side.
Age 20: Earned Pilots license while in school and working.
Age 21: Graduated college, got a job overseas, and started supporting himself.
Age 23: Promoted for 2nd time in less than 2 years.
Yes, he got lost a few times and got some bruises and broken bones on the way. But that is a part of growing up.
The biggest danger to kids is not the stranger on the street, it is the peer pressure and bad judgement. Free range parenting, applied gradually but consistently from an early age, typically leads to early maturity, self reliance, confidence, and good judgement.
I am a 15 year old boy living in upstate NY and I have finally pursuaided my parents to allow me to bike to school. It is a 12 mile trip and which takes me 50 minutes and i still am able to beat the bus. Due to transfering and waiting around, the bus takes an hour. Not only are my parents giving me this responisbiliy and not worry as much, I am staying fit and reducing my envirnmental impact.
TP & Arthur, you’re both right on. TP, one mundane question: Don’t you arrive at school sweaty? If so, what’s your solution?
I LOVE this! I live in South Africa and it IS a very dangerous environment in terms of criminal activity. Having said that I myself have always been safe although we have some terrible, terrible stories in our immediate family. Most of these events have actually occurred in people’s homes. We live in a security estate so our immediate environment is safe and monitored by the security company. My children go to the park, are in and out of the neighbours homes and a lot of the time I have no idea where they are but know that they will come in when they are hungry or it begins to get dark. There is safety in numbers, I have three children who watch out for each other and there are 16 children within a four house range of my home. ie 4 up and 4 down the street on both sides. The children go to school on the bus and come back on the bus, there are 3 afternoon buses and they catch the one that works for them. They get dropped off just outside the estate and walk home. The children travel unaccompanied on planes to their grandparents who collect them at the other side.
I do have to be careful with my children this is a dangerous environment. I do need to allow them the type of freedom that teaches them how to cope with the crime situations that are likely to affect them but most of all I want them to be able to believe in a good world. I teach them to ask for and expect help from adults and which adults near them are most likely to be safe. Shop employees are a better bet than shoppers, etc.
I am constantly amazed by the insane laws and controls that governments in Europe and the US try to impose on parents. I do think that government agencies should be offering a whole lot more help to parents in terms of child care, relief for parents who are not coping, counseling for things like post natal depression and parenting courses. Lots of people cannot afford this sort of professional help and if parenting is indeed the hardest job and children are indeed the future then governments should be investing in this sort of help for families. Anyone with a career is offered leave, down time to spend as you please (imagine that moms!), health insurance, counseling and ongoing training. Courses in communication, team work, time management, conflict management, relationship building etc etc etc. The people doing a 24/7 365 job with the most impact on the future of society get left out of this kind of life enhancing training, how very short sighted! Enough of my soap box perhaps if governments trained people to be better parents and helped them more, the government itself would let parents off the short leash trust them to do a good job as parents which would set a better example to parents telling them to trust their kids to be good people.
I am grateful for this voice of sanity an an overprotective society which is slowly encroaching on the rights of people to think for themselves and act accordingly.
Jacqui, excellent points re if our governments would support parents, society would ultimately have lower “fix-it” costs. Right on.
Life is dangerous. There is no way to live without danger or fear. Having said that the statistics are in our favor. The overwhelming majority of people grew up fine. Tragic things happen to some people and that is a regetible part of being alive. But to try to live without the potential of harm takes away from ones experience. It is in learning to survive that one learns to truly live.
Teach our children to be safe. Teach them how to protect themselves. Teach them to avoid dangerous situation. It is in childhood that we learn these things. But let them go. There is nothing worse than an over protected child. We do not know the effects this will have on society when these children become adults and have to learn the lessons they should have learned as children.
Today the Dutch national newspaper – nrc next – had a large article on freerange kids. Thank you for having started this. I think that in NL we are overprotective, partially also because of ‘what other people’ say.
It also makes me realise that my motehr has raised me in this way. I was for example travelling 2.5 hours trips alone by train when I was 8 to my dad. Since then I really enjoy sitting in a train and indeed the result is a very responsible person. I very much the thought of respecting your kid by giving it responsibilities.
Thanks and good luck
marie-jose
I also read the article in NRC Next – loved it!! My kids grow up Free Range and I’m pleased to find out I’m not alone in this. My environment may think I’m irresponsible, but I don’t care about that. They create a problem, not me…
Where were you 20 years ago? Why didn’t I have Free Range Children movement to back me up?
At that time, my family & I lived in a lovely suburban community. The children attended a school that was located in the quaint downtown area of a picturesque New England town. We lived close to the school so the children were ineligible for the school bus. No big deal, I said. The school was a 10-minute walk from our house. The children could walk to school–just as I walked to school when I was their age 30 years earlier.
And in so doing, I was judged by other parents to be an unfit mother.
“What if it rains?” I was asked by other mothers. I replied that the children had raincoats, and they had boots, hats, mittens and scarves when it was cold or snowy.
On more than one occasion I heard, “But it gets so COLD in the winter.” I pointed out that it was no colder than when I was a kid, and I survived my daily walks to school.
The fallout of what I thought was a benign decision was that my daughter’s classmates were not allowed to come to our house after school unless I agreed to pick up the children at school.
The children and I had regular reminder lessons about “strangers.” I taught the children that they did not need to be frightened of strangers. They should not get in a car with a stranger, and never let a stranger touch them. They should resist the temptation to help a stranger look for a lost kitten or puppy–or accept candy from strangers. If a “stranger” tried any of these tactics to lure them, they should immediately go into one of the many small stores that they passed en route home, and tell one of the adults what happened–and then call me. Screaming and yelling wasn’t a bad idea, necessary.
We even talked about “talking to strangers.” I told them that when I was a kid, I often talked to strangers. They were amazed. But I explained that I lived in a town that was a major tourist attraction and lost visitors would often stop and ask directions. No big deal.
I told them, “You only need to be afraid if you don’t know what to do. And you know what to do.”
Within a couple years, the children were allowed to ride their bicycles to the community swimming pool and the public library.
On several occasions, my children invited friends to join them, but the invitations were accepted only with the stipulation that I drive them.
And these other parents are my age–my generation–and they walked to school, the library. I always kept hearing how “things are different now.”
The only difference I could detect was that they were suburban mothers who had given up their jobs–and had nothing else to do but chauffeur kids. And they needed to chauffeur kids to make themselves feel useful. I, on the other hand, continued to work…and was trying to raise self-sufficient, resourceful and independent children.
Your last point is good, Rio Rosie. It probably also works the other way too: dual-income parents feeling guilty for not being there when kids get home from school, etc. compensating by being overprotective. This merits a study…
Hi free-range-mum,
Just saw you on tv @ Dr. Phils and in my opinion, of course it depends on the child, but kids should be raised the way you do.
Just want to let you know that I hope t hat some day, when I have kids myself, I’ll raise them free range.
The best of luck,
Annick (Utrecht, The Netherlands)
I lost a lot of time reading your site today thanks to a recommendation from a friend. It’s so nice to see someone talking common sense about child safety! I have a school horror story to share:
Several years ago, when my son was in Kindergarten, there was a water main break on the steet where his elementary school was located. Due to the lack of working toilets, the kids were dismissed early. As it was a bright, sunny day – not the kind of day where parents might sit at home prepared for an early dismissal – many of these kids arrived home to find no one waiting for them.
Very sensibly, the school buses will not drop off a Kindergartener where there is no adult present, and these kids were returned to school and parents called. But the First Graders and above were dropped off and left to their own devices.
Here’s the horrifying part. There was an outcry from the parents and an emergency school board meeting was called. The Mom leading the charge stood up and ranted and raved about how her child had sat on her front porch, alone, cold and hungry for 3 HOURS! Here’s the scary part. HER CHILD WAS IN THE 8TH GRADE! That’s right, the school was being chastised because her 13-year-old didn’t know what to do if he got home and no one was there to let him in.
So the school board went into action, designing an elaborate phone tree scheme to make sure all parents were reached in the case of an unexpected early dismissal, so that no 13-year-old should ever again find himself lost on his own front porch. I raised my hand. “Wouldn’t it be better if we just drafted a memo encouraging (stupid) parents to teach their kids their work and cell phone numbers, and what to do if they ever get home and no one’s there? What ever happened to leaving a spare key with a neighbor, or under a flower pot?” My 5-year-old, on the 1st day of Kindergarten, was given an index card to put in his backpack with a list of emergency numbers. He was then walked to all of our close neighbors’ houses (all of whom he already knew) and told to go to any of them with that index card in case he ever got home and we weren’t there. After all, I could get hit by a bus while running to the grocery store. I could be trapped under the fridge after trying to clean behind it (not that I do that!). I wouldn’t ever send a kid out into the world without a backup plan for their safety. But apparently I’m in the minority, because the parents and school board agreed that it was the school’s job to make sure that these kids were never for a moment left to their own devices.
Bravo to you for talking about ways to REALLY keep our kids safe, by letting them learn to think and make safe choices for themselves. Of course we parents have no more important job than our kids safety. But isn’t that safety better achieved by teaching our kids how to avoid or to deal with danger, rather than simply removing it entirely from their existance? It’s the old “give me a fish or teach me to fish” choice. I’d rather my kids be able to rely upon themselves, rather than constantly be dependant on others.
Shannon, bravo for wording it so well. That story is indeed scarier than the scare stories we’re fed 24/7 on the tube. Don’t most eighth graders nowadays have phones? But even if not, they should be able to survive three hours without adult supervision.
Helicopter parents used to make me feel like an inadequate parent and maybe my laissez -faire parenting makes me come across as an inadequate mom because my kids aren’t in a lot of organized activities, but they actually have many and varied interests that make them happy. I’ve tried to avoid helicopter parents over the years (even before I ever heard of that term) and I sought out parents who just let their kids be kids instead of overachieving miniature versions of themselves. My house will never be featured in “House and Garden”; we own more musical instruments than furniture and my walls are decorated with my kids’ original art projects but I wouldn’t change a thing.
My kids are 17, 13 and 9 (boy, girl, boy). One of the best things we did was not have a TV in our home. Also, many parents I know will stick their kids in summer camps to keep them out of the house all summer. I enjoy having my kids around. My older son plays in several bands and his musical friends are in and out of our home all the time. When I asked my youngest if he wanted to be in camp with some of his school friends, he said NO! I respected his wishes. He loves to draw, dig for snails and collect coins. There’s never a shortage of activities when you encourage your children’s interests (without worrying that your house will get messy) and let them entertain themselves instead of trying to micromanage their lives. One mom I know is always calling for playdates with my little son. Her son can’t stand to not have any company when he’s home and his mother tells me he drives her crazy. On the other hand, my son enjoys his alone time and we cringe whenever the phone rings and it’s this other mom!
I caved in to the helicopter moms at my daughter’s school earlier this year when she was going to take an exam for the NYC specialized highschools. She was adamant about not taking a rigorous review class with her other schoolmates. I had already paid a $250 deposit for a $ 750 class and I just wanted her to have a good shot at getting a high score on the exam. On the day the class was starting, she was so upset that I was forcing her to go to this class. I know she’s a smart kid but I thought I was giving her the best possible opportunity to succeed. In the end, I couldn’t put my child through so much misery just to boost my own ego. I let her stay home and I ended up losing my deposit. The other moms told me that I should’ve forced her to go anyway and she probably would’ve liked it after a few classes. When I signed her up originally, she said “Hell no! Don’t sign me up for any classes”. We have to respect our childrens wishes too. I’m learning this as I go along. My daughter’s well being was more important to me than forcing her to take a pricey review class. My gut feeling told me that day that she has “smarts” to fall back on and if it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. She studied a little on her own and she still got into one of those specialized highschools anyway.
I guess my point is we need to stop micromanaging our childrens’ lives and to view them as individuals instead of ego boosting extensions of ourselves. We shouldn’t make our children feel like they have to participate in all of these activities in order to give their parents stuff to brag about. I view it as a badge of honor when I brag about the stuff my kids DON’T do!
I am from the Netherlands. I only was 10 years old when i took a bicycle-trip to a village a 40 miles away from my hometown. I took a map with me, some drink and food. I turned out that my friend wasn’t home so i cycled back the 40 miles home the same day! YES, iam still glad my parents trusted me that much, and i will certainly encourage other children to do so if they feel themselves safe enough to explore! !!
I’m from the Netherlands and I have seen you today in the dr Phil show. What you are telling is what children in the Netherlands are allowed to do every day. Not only in small towns, but also in the cities like Amsterdam and Utrecht. Kids are playing outside every day (well a little bit less now nintendo invented the wii) without super vision all the time. Kids go to soccer, tennis, swiming practice and school every day by bike, bus or walking.
I think you are doing an amazing job making people more aware that they should give their children space to learn and grow up.
Keep up the good work and make people aware that in every other country outside the states, children are able to go outside without their parents holding their hands every step.
My own story… I’m also from the Netherlands so sorry for the imperfect English.
I was definitely raised as a freerange kid, but it had a less nice sideeffect. I do appreciate the freedom, but for me, it was too much. There was not enough safety to compensate. I’d like to stress that aspect. I think it’s good to leave kids some responsibility, but don’t overdo it and be sensitive to the need that kids also have from time to time to be close to you.
It hurt me and left me with a feeling of insecurity even as an adult.
I love the term Free Range Kids – but am amazed that there’s even a need for it. I watched you on Dr Phil today in the Netherlands, and was perplexed at what I saw. Are those poll results (so many people thinking that helicopter parenting is better than freeranging) really representative for the US?
I’m all for freeranging – however, I do think much depends on the personality and abilities of the child in question. My seven year old daughter plays outside without supervision every day, but I don’t let her bike to school on her own yet (about a mile), because she doesn’t concentrate too well and has a few fairly dangerous roads to cross. She does bike home with a friend every now and then, though, no problem. And this is normal here. From the age of 8 or 9, practically all children walk or bike to school, soccer or anywhere else on their own; and earlier if they live close enough. They play outside without supervision, etc. Yet there are no more abductions, rapes, abuses, accidents etc. than in the US…
Let me tell you this one thing , I was born 1964 on a cattle ranch in southern British Columbia – Canada. We went everywhere and did eveything that kids could possibly do .. BUT – it isn’t like it was back when I was a kid nor do most people live in the country.. So my response to you is “Free Range or Free Rein” ? You still need to explain that there are hazards out there , whether in the cities or country. Obviously there are somewhat different hazards between the two of them…Ultimately , if you decide to send your kids outside to go to school,the park or wherever and they disappear, you’ll be the one who’ll be blaming yourself for everyday after, should your little one never return alive. Paste website and imagine how Evelyn Thompson must have felt after her little one disapperared and finally showed up dead in a garbage dumpsster??
http://www.kimmieslaw.com/
I am just saying this because we don’t live in a world of trust for obviouse reason’s and you may have just been lucky in your endeavours.
Sincerely Justin and I have 4 children, who will be allowed to do things which are not ahead of their age level nor life risk.
Well put, Catherine. Except my kids were always bored at home and wanted friends to play with. And we limited TV: It’s deliberately not in our living room, it’s in our (Mom and Dad’s bedroom) and our kids know the reason. Maybe I’m just a boring free range mom! : )
Lenore, thank you for this website. Before i found it I thought there may have been a participation trophy entitled “I havent slept a single night away from my child for the past 25 years and am so proud of it” that mothers were anticipating. My oldest is only 16 so i figured i just hadnt heard about it yet but now i know like-minded moms do exist and i’m not the only one not interested in receiving such a trophy!!!!
Thank you for this inspiring website. My wife and I, along with our two young children (3 yrs and 8 mos), just moved, and I am a fairly new stay-at-home-dad. I will be raising free-range children.
My childhood was anything but free-range. My mother and grandmother are of the mindset that children will DIE if they are not constantly being fed and tended to, or if they go outside without a jacket when it’s 50 degrees.
My wife’s childhood was the opposite. As the youngest of 5, she roamed the neighborhood with her friends and had a great time. Nothing bad ever happened to her (that a couple of stitches wouldn’t fix), and her favorite response to my family’s overworrying is a dismissive “It’s fine!”
I would rather my children grow up feeling confident and independent than always looking to someone else to think for and baby them. It’ll be easier without the hovering smotherers, but I’ll never tell them that.
Good for you! As a child, I ran all day until the streetlights came on. If we went to someone’s house, we called and let our parents know, but mostly we ran around the neighborhood all day. Some days we could have been a couple miles from home on our bikes. Now, I get funny looks when I let my 9 and 7 year olds go to the public bathroom without me, or let them play in their own yard with no one but the dog outside with them. I want my daughters to grow up to be strong, confident and independent, not to be “the boy in the bubble”.
Michele, your post reminded me of my friend in 2nd grade, Melody Cupp. She’d invite me to play at her house after school, but when we’d arrive, her mom wouldn’t let me stay because she insisted that after-school play be planned in advance. I told her I’d call my mom, with whom it would’ve been fine, but she refused. This was 1967. Sigh…
I am all for freerangekids. I have raised 3 wonderful children who are very independent, they don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. I have 2 in college and 1 in the Army. My belief when they were growing up was to give them freedom and not smother them. You have to trust your children to make the right decisions. My parents were overprotective of me and I think that is why I did some of the things I did when I was growing up. Now I am starting all over again with another child, she is 18 months old and I hope to raise her as I did my other children.
You are a breath of fresh air! I grew up in NYC and I was a roamer- I wandered everywhere I could reach by foot or bike. I started taking buses at age 8 and the train at age 10- that opened up ALL of NYC! I was walking to school myself at age 5. I NEVER had a problem doing this. I am SO sick of my overprotective friends and neighbors who seem to believe that the world is an evil place and if they are ever-so vigilant they can keep their kids safe forever. My neighbors drive their kids to school- they are terrified of the school bus. They are terrified to let them go on a school bus on class trips. They don’t play outside alone- we live in a very rural area in Vermont so this is sort of weird I’d say. I sure didn’t do this with my kid- maybe I wasn’t as wacked out as them as I had him young and they waited to have kids?
I don’t know but I think that kids are missing out on a lot by not being able to just explore and be kids- wander in the woods and down to the creek, climb trees, whatever. Sure we need to give them some basic safety instruction but let them be kids. It’s harder than ever to do this as if you allow your kid to be on their own, they may have to go it alone as all the other kids are tethered to mom or the sitter. And then there are the cell phones- what on earth is this about? I sure didn’t grow up with a cell phone so I could call mom if I needed to- why do al the kids have to have cells so they can always be reachable or reach their parents at any time?
I hope we turn things around- kids are missing out on a lot- all they have is constant supervision by adults and planned activities these days……. I’m not all that old either but this is starting to make me feel like a dinosaur!
I have tried to not be to strict on my children growing up. In there teen years my only rule was curfew. Under 16 be home before 9pm on school nights and 10pm on nonschool nights. At 16 they can stay out until 10pm and 11pm. At 18 be home at 11pm on school hights and 12pm on nonschool night. I have worked at a state prison and a county jail and have found that most people get into trouble after midnight. When I see an article in the paper of someone that has gotting in trouble, I show my children that it is usualy after midnight. The one that really got their attention was two of their friends (16 and 18) where killed in a car accident at 1:15am.
Even thuo my son is only 17 and my daughter is 15, they started calling when they leave their friends house to let us know they are on their way home. They do this without ever being told to do so. I’m sure that it is respect to their mother and I for showing our trust in them.
I’m Canadian but I’ve been living the Netherlands for the last year and a half or so with my Dutch husband and now 16 month old son. It’s made me so happy to see the kids out playing, nary a supervisor in sight. Two sightings that stand out for me: first, two boys, brothers most likely, maybe 6 and 8, coming out with their bikes to a small soccer pitch and just running around with the ball, tripping each other and rolling about, carefree and just being children, and second, three boys of 11 or 12 or so in a little rowboat heading down the tree-lined canal behind our building, stopping to ask another boy of the same age who was roller-blading by himself if he knew where Tiffany was since the boy in the back of the boat (who wasn’t saying a thing!) wanted to ask her for a date. It just seems so right to see children playing like this. I’ve actually had tears of happiness in my eyes a few times. I’m looking forward to my son getting his own bike at 4 or so and heading off on his own adventures as he gets older.
And yes, of course like many others here, when I was young I was Free Range – when I was 9 I took the city bus across town to school every day (including a transfer at a busy exchange). And my dad sent 6-year-old me and my 4-year-old sister on the Greyhound back to my mum (they’re divorced) when there was too much snow on the pass to drive it safely (yes, they put us on, got the driver to watch and made sure we knew where to get off and that someone was there to get us – I’m not sure I’d recommend this one though). But a few years after that we started doing it regularly on our own, and later took the plane alone and even the train to California with our two younger half sisters and no parents when I was about 16. And we played outside in the woods all the time, even in an area and time when Clifford Olson was active (an infamous Canadian molester and child killer) – but it wasn’t getting the press it would surely get now so no one really thought of it. And at 20 and 18 we headed back to university on the other side of the continent in a VW Bug as old as my sister and held together with bondo. And you know, I’m now living in Europe with the husband I met while travelling here by myself on a motorcycle like object, my sister lives in Asia and we’re both adventurous and capable travellers, not to mention successful and independent women.
I no longer live in the USA and when we’re back there visiting I’m shocked at how neurotic parents are. My kids have been riding their bike to school since they could ride bikes (about 5). First with us and then alone. I once attempted to take my 14 yr old to school with the car during gale force winds and he laughed at me. I completely trust my daughter 10 yrs old to do basic shopping alone. Why not? The role of a parent is to teach your children to be well adjusted, independent adults. How can they do that if you never teach them how? My sister-in-law is a ‘helicopter mom” and her kids won’t do a thing without her. Won’t go to the park, play with other childern, get dirty (God forbid) or touch a farm animal. I can’t believe she doesn’t realize how she is stunting their development. Life is about trying new things. And sometimes they will fall, get dirty, get hurt. I don’t want my kids to get hurt either, but this is part of growing up. You don’t suddely ‘know’ how to run, you learn. And in the process of learning, you most likely will fall. Thank you for daring to go against the stream of neurotic America.
Ani, it certainly would make an interesting study to see whether parental age has an effect on protectiveness. I have to disagree on the cell phone thing though. I think the positive outweighs the negative on that one. They’ve certainly made my life easier in terms of coordinating people, saving time, shopping, all sorts of things.
Good going, Steven. Your rules are based on facts, and kids respect that (or at least can’t dispute it). The fact that your kids call without your ever having told them to shows they “get it”.
Meleta, I’m treasuring the picture of those boys in the rowboat. Best to you.
Yam Erez
Sorry to go all student on you, but when I was in college I was a Family Studies major. There are studies out there, and many said older parents tended to better parents because they were more rational and logical when it came to raising kids. But I will look on some databases (I’m now in grad school to become a therapist) and see.
Linz
I totally agree with your ideas and this is pretty much the way we raised our son. In fact, one of the biggest confidence boosters for him was being a Boy Scout. But sadly, I am seeing a lot of kids who are afraid to leave their parents for a week of summer camp. They are so used to be “close” to Mom that they don’t want to go and parents are not doing anything to help foster independence in these kids.
Big thanks to you for hauling up the statistics and telling it like it is. The happiest, most joyful moments of my childhood were spent exploring the world, riding my bike around the neighborhood, roaming around in the woods, and seeing things on my own. I’ve always worried about raising a child in a world where this type of exploration is considered abnormal and unsafe. Nice to know I can give my daughter some of that freedom and not worry so much.
Thank you so much for this site! My son, who will be five in a couple of weeks, has been allowed to walk by himself to and from his friends’ house two houses over from ours since last summer. I can hear him the entire way, so it never seemed like a big deal. He’s also allowed to walk to and from his eight-year-old best friend’s house (who lives about two blocks away, with one street that need to be crossed) when he’s with his best friend and holding his hand to cross the street.
This all seemed perfectly reasonable to me. I know that I walked myself to school a few times in first grade, and that was about four blocks away, and I would have only been 6 and 7. And yet I’ve had other parents react with horror, claiming that “anybody could snatch him” if I dare let him out of my sight for a moment.
I don’t get it. My mother was NOT particularly free-spirited and she was quite paranoid, but even she had no problem, in the 1980s, letting her 6-year-old walk to school and letting me, when I was 9 and 10, ride my bike around town with my friends. I think it’s insane that, in a generation, parents have become so completely paranoid, where it’s now normal to think that even 11 and 12 year olds can’t be allowed to walk a couple of blocks to a friend’s house or spend time in the house alone. I was babysitting when I was 11, and 20 year later people are hiring babysitters to watch 11 year olds. We have been so frightened into believing that there are child predators around every corner. I have no idea who is profiting off of this fear, but somebody must be, or else I don’t think the media would bother to keep promoting it.
My name is Caroline and I am Free-Range parent! I always rode my bike around the neighborhood for hours and would build forts, climb tall trees, get boo boos!!! But never once did my mom have to call 911 to issue an amber alert because I was gone for 5 seconds or rush me to the urgent care because I scraped my knee…. The problem is that everything has become so sensationalized! The same crimes that happen now were happening then…. it’s just crammed down our throats. I believe that my son has the right to live in a NO-FEAR society. We are here to embrace life, not hide from it.
Lori, interesting speculation that someone must be profiting off our fears. That’s what I think when I see ads for Band-Aids saturated with antibiotics (!) and breathing monitors for newborns. Of course! The corporations are profiting off our fears, and the media feed right into it.
I could say so-o-o-o-o-o much here, my kids are 24, 21 and 19 and were very much free range grown, but I guess I’ll just say thanks for having the courage to speak out and promote a wonderful “cause”, raising children without unhealthy fear about the world we live in. I’m past the child rearing years but will buy your book, simply to support you.
p.s. to those who say that bad things will happen to you if you don’t watch your children every day, I just want to say bad things happen no matter what!
I think that raising children with the idea that they require constant supervision and must be kept 100% safe from all discomforts and risks is one big reason why our culture has devalued personal responsibility. I think a culture that believes it is your parents’ fault every time you bump your head or skin your knee as a child because they didn’t provide you with 100% protection and supervision, is logically going to believe that it must be somebody else’s fault (along with the legal liability that represents) when I slip on the clearly visible ice on somebody’s driveway, or hurt myself trying to open a sode bottle with a wrench, or spill hot coffee in my lap. The demand for rubber-room-level safety for children has led to the same demand as adults, making us all children in the process. Except now we expect supervision and protection from government regulators, instead of parents. Can you imagine our current society building a NYC-style subway system with its unprotected platforms and forcefully closing doors? Or inventing escalators? If they didn’t already exist, they would never have been permitted in today’s legal and regulatory environment. The automobile? Forget about it, the designs would have died on some corporate “risk assessment” lawyer’s desk.
I also think more people would be willing to raise their children in ways closer to the free range ideal, if they weren’t so afraid that Child Welfare or some similar agency would come take their children away. My wife was under the mistaken impression that children were not legally allowed to be left alone at home in our state until they were 18, and therefore we have not left our now 11-year-old son alone in his own home for a single minute, not because we were afraid he would harm himself, but because she was afraid somebody might find out and report us.
Our current government-knows-best society, run by can’t-be-fired bureaucrats who wouldn’t be allowed to decide what to order for lunch in the business world, has created an atmosphere where parents are afraid to make ANY mistakes, for fear they will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper, or end up in court, or in jail.
I just heard a radio commercial insisting that I have a responsibility to report my neighbors if I even suspect they are abusing their child. Will my neighbor hear that commercial and think I am committing child abuse because I let my son walk to the end of my driveway by himself to catch the bus? I think if Ms. Skenazy was not a member of the press, I’m fairly certain her son would have been taken away from her after the subway “incident”. Or she’d atleast have been put through months of hell in “family court” hearings, investigations, and “field visits” to her house.
Do we really want to be a society that has to watch what we say or do or else our neighbors will turn us in? Doesn’t that sound familiar to anybody?
As much as I support the free range ideal, it’s not practical in our current culture. Not because of safety reasons, but because of legal liability. But maybe a common-sense movement like this can help alter the culture, at least a little.
At the age of 18 months, my daughter, while sitting on my lap, was laughing and tipped her head forward to fast and smacked her face into the back of our couch. Her tooth went through her bottom lip and she bled profusely. Did I mention that she was sitting on my lap?!
The simple truth is that bad things happen and very often there is no reason why and no matter what we do we can not stop those things from happening. We can take reasonable precautions against likely dangers. Or, we can live in the shadow of fear. Free-ranging is about taking reasonable precautions but rejecting fear for the sake of fear.
People devalue children and their abilities. Being a free-range parent is extremely difficult in part because we are constantly being forced to teach our children self-reliance and independence. Teaching rules to live by and how to handle situations that might arise takes longer, is more frustrating for the parents, and causes us to worry. But it gives kids the self-esteem to believe they can handle themselves. And when you set the expectation that they can figure things out for themselves, they do. When you set the expectation that they can’t, they don’t.
Yes, free-range has risks, but in the end it’s actually a complex teaching process not negligence, as some nay-sayers claim.
Are you familiar with the recent “Sandra Cantu” story, the pretty, pretty, carefree eight year old girl walking a short distance back home from a friends house, and BOOM! She has vanished! Right in her own neighborhood! Only to be found later stuffed into a suitcase and thrown into a drainage pond! That doesn’t touch your liberated heart? When I was a child, we could play in the streets at night, even a street away from our own, with our friends, without any fear! We could walk home from school without any fear! You know why? There was no danger of being kidnapped or murdered back then, and in case you’re wondering I am 55 years old. You sit on your front porch at night without the fear of being shot at! Children are a gift from God! Yes, they need to learn independence, but not what you are doing! How would you feel if he never came home? Would youthen feel like what you had been doing was wrong, or you blame someone else, when your parenting skills should be investigated first! This is a cruel mean world we live in! Open your eyes! If God gave you that child, he also gave you the responsibility of raising him right! Not throwig him out in the world to learn on his own how to get from place to place! You say you were raised the way you are raising your sons, well you need to rethink how you were raised, and of how much times and crimes have changed! I don’t know where you were raised, but try to think of what is best for your children in this day and age, not what worked for your parents when you were a child! Be a wise woman! TIME AND THINGS HAVE CHANGED, NOT FOR BETTER, BUT THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE!
Patricia Pendergrass-
Thanks for the morning laugh. Times have changed, you are correct. However, crimes involving children have not. Period. If you were half way educated on the subject, you might see things are not that different. When you were a child, we did not have the fear mongering 24 hour media and this horrible concept that a only good mother is one that smothers her children. Please wake up and see that things are not so bad. I’m 23 and ran around my neighborhood, splashed in mud puddles and walked to the bus stop at 6:50 in the morning. Now, I am in Graduate School becoming a responsible member of society. My parents gave me the tools to know what to do if something made me uncomfortable, and that gave me the tools to go to college and (unlike a lot of my peers) actually take care of my self as an 18 year old. Sorry for the rather long comment tooting my own horn, but children like me who were raised to be independent did not mean we were being raised to get kidnapped or molested.
“…When I was a child, we could play in the streets at night, even a street away from our own, with our friends, without any fear! We could walk home from school without any fear! You know why? There was no danger of being kidnapped or murdered back then, and in case you’re wondering I am 55 years old.”
Patricia,
Child abduction and murder did happen 50 years ago. However, each incident generated a tiny fraction of the media attention that each abduction generates today.
It was an extremely rare crime 50 years ago. It is an extremely rare crime today. Just because child abductions are in the news more doesn’t mean they happen more often. The only thing that has changed is parents, and their inability to put the media-generated hysteria into context.
The notion that child abduction has become widespread is such a common and intractable misperception that I sometimes despair that we’ll ever return to a healthy, rational society. People get genuinely angry when you try to dispel the spectre of a man waiting around every corner to molest their children.
Unfortunately, you can’t reason people out of beliefs they didn’t reason themselves into.
Dan DB, ‘scuse me, but did I hear you refer to Ms. Skenazy as a “member of the press”? Having a Web site doesn’t make one a member of anything. She’s not a paid journalist. This site is her own initiative, run at her own expense. This reference sounds creepily like acquaintances I’ve heard claim that Obama was “elected by the media”. Who and what is this bogeyman media that has all this power we imagine “it” to have?
This is a pretty hostile place to comment for anyone who disagrees with even some of the free range philosophy, but I will anyway, because I’m tired of the “I was so much more independent than all my friends in college because my parents weren’t overprotective” stories. I was far more independent than my friends in college too. I held down a job, I saved more money, I got good grades, I commuted an hour each way in my car, by myself, and I didn’t drink or do any drugs. I’ve wandered around Amsterdam, New Orleans, Dublin, and New York by myself, and I lived on my own in a sizeable SoCal city for a couple of years. I grew up in the 1970s and early 80s, and my mother felt ostracized because she *was* protective. She let us play in what at the time was a pretty sizeable yard, ride our bikes in the driveway, but not too far beyond, and ride the school bus alone. We had a wading pool we used all summer long, and she’d call us in for lunch or dinner, without ever coming to check on us in the meantime. But don’t think for a moment that just because she wasn’t right there, she wasn’t keeping an eye out. When she wasn’t within shouting distance, there were rules – she didn’t let us roam the neighborhood on our bikes without a parent present, made us wear helmets long before it was the law, avoided letting us stay over at friends’ houses if she didn’t know their parents, and set clear rules about what we could and couldn’t do when we were off “on our own” (i.e., without a parent there). I did not grow up in fear, and I did not need my mommy to do things for me well into high school and beyond just because I wasn’t allowed to leave the driveway on my bicycle when I was 10. My friend who was allowed free roam after school doesn’t even like to go to dinner by herself and would never even consider traveling out of the country alone. See, I’ve got my own anecdotes too!
You can teach independence without letting your kids go and do whatever they want, and you can show your kids you trust them and still set rules to keep them safe – even if those rules may feel “overprotective” to your child or other parents. Likewise, you can turn out fine with no rules whatsoever – my husband was raised “free range,” turned out great, and is fortunately still alive – he only got run over by a car once as a kid, and managed to walk away unscathed. My cousin was not so lucky – she was hit by a car riding her bike “around the neighborhood” (which happened to be next to a highway) not because she hadn’t been taught rules or wasn’t smart and independent. In fact, she’d probably taken the route dozens of times before. But she was 13. The mind of a 13-year-old girl is not exactly a steel trap. She forgot to look both ways one day, and she died. Does this mean it will happen to your child? Probably not, statistically speaking. Are there myriad ways our children could die or become seriously injured, with or without an adult present? Of course. Does that mean we should throw up our hands and send them on their merry way on the theory that giving them free range will automatically make them become more independent while “smothering” them with rules and restrictions will somehow make them pathetic, snivelling adults? I think the answer is going to be different for every parent, and I think trying to take this philosophy mainstream to return to “the good old days” of parenting by booting your kids out the door and not checking on them until dinnertime is just backlash against some overhyping of actual dangers kids have and probably always will face.
I do not believe that children are less safe now than they were 30 years ago, I am not afraid of pedophiles lurking around every corner, or of my kids falling down and scraping a knee. I think the media blows everything out of proportion, from the dangers of different toys to the likelihood of terrorism, to Swine Flu. But please stop belittling parents who want to keep an eye on their kids, and please stop creating yet more fodder for the “mommy wars” and judging parents who make decisions differently than you. Do people take protecting their kids to extremes? Of course. Is giving your children some independence when you feel they’re ready to handle it going to kill them? Probably not, and it will likely even be good for them. I’m sure I’ll be given the stink-eye for letting my kids play in mud puddles or run barefoot through the grass, or eat a rock off the ground, or whatever else I might do that’s different than what other parents allow. But I’m damned if I’ll *also* be judged for not letting my kid out of my sight when navigating a busy street or parking lot. Or not giving my 16 year old permission to go to a foreign country for two weeks without supervision. Or refusing to let her ride her bike in a place where forgetting to look both ways before she crosses the street could kill her.
Statistics and science are important – but “I did x and I turned out fine” is no more scientifically sound a parenting philosophy than some of the parental fears you all deride.
One day in March of this year I drove my children 9 AND 12 to a friends house directly down the street from their school (the only school they have ever attented) and instructed them to walk to school (I had also spoke to them about this walk the night befor). They were scared to death and I had to prod them out of the car. This was maybe a 5 min. walk. On my way to my appointment I realized in tears how I had done my own children a grave disservice by drive. them everywhere. There fear became my pain.
Bottom line: You children should never be left alone in any public place without an adult present. That is why they are CHILDREN and not ADULTS. Children do NOT know how to defedn themselves from sexual predators. It’s one thing to give your child the sense of responsibility, but there are better ways to do it than putting your child in danger. Why don’t you ask a parent who has gone through such a tragedy and open your narrow minded brain. How dare Ms. Skenazy even attempt to lead people on to think otherwise.
Talk about extreme naivete! What a shame. Wake up honey, for one thing we live in a totally different world today than in the 70’s and for two, it is a parent’s responsibility to not only arm their children with knowledge of the real world but also to KEEP THEM SAFE in it until they are old enough to do it for themselves. A young child walking or playing outside by themselves is just plain neglect. This book and your views display a sad lack of parental responsibility. This is more along the lines of adolescent egocentric thinking…..it can’t happen to me/us, right?! The hosts of “The View” were obviously biting their tongues during your interview, you could see it written all over their faces…..tsk tsk tsk.
Please people, listen to the early childhood experts and put your children first above all else.
Thank you Lenore! I hate the fact that so many kids think a pedophile is lurking around every corner, waiting to steal them away. What a way to go through life. I live in Brooklyn, and yes, I let my kids walk home from the school bus, ride bikes to the library, and walk to a friend’s house. Sheltered kids learn to be afraid of anything different, strange, or new and find it very hard to break out of their own little world, ever.
I really would like to raise my children with a little more freedom. I’m also a very realistic mom, if my 9 year old son asked to ride the subway I would probably let him do it with the proper preparation. I mean I’m only 24 and I walked to school and the corner store with a group of kids in first grade. I rode my bike around the neighborhood, and I had to be inside before dark. For the most part I keep my toddlers in the stroller when they are out but lately I’ve tried more to let them walk a comfortable distance from me and determine their own comfort zone and actually experience a little danger and learn safe habits. I think I will check here for more ways to give my boys a little freedom.
You are right on. Protecting children to avoid TEACHING them responsibility is a lazy way to raise children.
ccc
I have a 9 1/2 yr old son who desperately wants some independence. He is very mature and responsible for his age. We live in a small sub with no children to play with. So..I’ve started letting him cross a busy street with my help. On the other side of the street live lots of kids his age. Now he can ride his bike by himself in a much bigger sub and go find friends to play with. He has a cell phone and a time limit. Did I just let him loose? Absolutely NOT. Over the last year we’ve been grooming him, teaching him about safety. He knows about predators and how you never know who they might be, how to observe his surroundings, how to use a cell phone, how to run to a house that looks like people are home, how to dial 911, importance of not talking to strangers even if they are asking directions or want you to pet their puppy! When he is done or has reached his time limit, he calls me and I supervise at the street crossing. He is so proud of his independence and he wants to prove to me he can do even more. It’s win-win.
Interestingly, I have a 7 1/2 yr old daughter who is not nearly as mature as my son at the same age. Will she get the same privileges at the same age? I doubt it. She is a different kid with a different maturity level. We’ll have to see how things go. Kids’ maturity is such an individual thing. I will not judge someone else’s kid! I rode all over town when I was a young kid. I was independent and responsible and knew right from wrong. I wouldn’t have traded that freedom for anything! Those were the best memories I have from my childhood! Amen for free range kids!
I’m a 37 year old single male without kids, and when growing up on a surely bacteria-infested cattle ranch with 4 other kids up here in Canada we did the craziest things and all managed to survive.
America has an undertone of irrational fears… thanks to the media telling you about problems you never knew you had.
I wish you would have touched on international stats in this area: For ex, China, India, France, England, Spain, Italy, etc.
They have kids there too, and I’m very sure they have much more freedom to roam. The US is a small fraction of the world’s population;
U.S. 306,331,017
World 6,777,003,151
Seriously… a few hairs on the tail of a dog are wagging the entire dog.
The solution for America: don’t rehabilitate “misunderstood” child predators/pedophiles through imprisonment. Justice for these types of crimes against children should be similar to what it would be in Yemen. Swift & final.
more crazy fears: Acid rain…. Y2K…. Bird Flu… West Nile Virus… Sars….
The biggest today is perhaps Climate Change. In the 70’s it was Global Cooling. In the 90’s it was Global Warming. Neither title fit the bill of the cult following behind this political agenda by being flexible enough, so now we have total latitude to go either way. 😛
Does anyone know about the Oregon Petition where 31,000 + scientists reject the notion that humans are doing as much harm to this very resilient planet as some claim? http://www.petitionproject.org/
I was born in the US in 1970 and grew up with the freedom to run and play freely in our suburban Washington DC neighborhood and nearby woods.
It was a common thing there and at that time. Kids were aware of the “danger” that “strangers” potentially represented, and though we didn’t feel endangered, we did watch out for each other, and the older kids for the younger as all friends do.
Times have not changed in terms of the risks, but they certianly have in terms of the attitudes of the public. We live in a less civil society, BECAUSE people are increasingly withdrawn and fearful. Luckily our parents recoginized that in order to learn to be responsible one must be given responsibilities. The bottom line is that we all have to find our own way in the world, the question is when we will start and how much practice will we get before we are truly on our own?
When you go to other countries, you typically find that people are raising children the way humans have for millenia–by giving them freedom, guidance, and responsibilities. This is particurarily true in poorer countries where children are expected to contribute to the sustenance of the family.
It is sad that Americans have lost the spark of our founding fathers and the pioneer spirit that made this country great. As a child, my grandfather often traveled alone, sometimes for days, by horse or mule cart. Not all of his siblings survived childhood, but none were killed by “predators” they died of diseases that we in the US don’t have to worry about anymore.
From the street-hustlers of Calcutta and touts of Jakarta to the shoe-shine boys of Nairobi, I have met kids in cities around the world that could out think and out negotiate the adults on our city council!
As individuals our survival skills are largely a function of our judgement (based primarily on experience) and our physical prowress. Teaching children (or adults) survival skills for any environment is about giving them the knowledge and experiences that allow them to develop good judgement and the confidence to act on it.
While a 10 or 11 year old boy and his mother may be equal from the standpoint of physical prowress, the mother presumably has the advantage of better knowledge and judgement from her additonal years of experience.
It is sad that so many American children now have such limited experiences from which to draw on for their growth and learning. It weakens them as individuals and us as a society.
My 11 year old (youngest of 3) walked home from her girlfriends house 2 weeks ago and enjoyed such a freedom of spirit! The walk is probably 1/2 to 3/4 of a mile at the most.
A few days later, after they set up another ‘play date’ my daughter informed me that she was going to walk there and back home. After we set up departure times she was off with a cell phone in her pocket and a new sense of independence and self confidence.
I LOVED watching her confidence bloom and learning that she felt “grown up”.
Sonya, good going. Instead of “Oy vey what have I been doing wrong all these years?” you might want to look at it like you’re showing your kids that adults can change their stances and their behavior based on new information — a good thing to model. Don’t beat yourself up.
Naive, foolish and dangerous.
I am 100% PRO free-range parenting and I love that I have found this website! Rock on.
You’re my hero for publicizing this. I have two free range kids that have been able to develop actual self-esteem and competence by making and learning from their own mistakes. None of which were fatal. Neither grew up to be afraid. Both enjoy meeting people and don’t believe the “other” people or races or cultures or whatever are automatically bad.
While I know it’s a too easy to divide people into two sets I think it would be worth a bit of research to find out if there is a real correlation between those who enjoy fear (e.g. enjoyed The Exorcist, etc.) and those who prefer to live their fear (“islam-o-fascists will likely kill us in our sleep unless we lash out on the rest of the world and give up all our civil rights”, etc.).
Children need both Responsibilities and Freedoms in order to become productive, happy, and well-adjusted citizens. Those things are much more important that protecting them from every scrape!
I wish more parents would let go of the reins and practice a little free-range parenting.
I am TOTALLY for it! I even wrote on my own webpage about you. Thanks so much, Lenore!
In the 50’s and 60’s, my mother grew up in rural Pennsylvania, and my father in New York City suburbs. They were both Free Range.
I am 15, and having grown up in a fairly big city since age 3, I cannot say that my childhood was free range at all. I was never allowed to play outside in front of my house or in my back alley without an adult’s supervision, even with other kids around. Even now, I’m not trusted to walk in the poorer neighborhoods of my city past 8. (I do it anyway)
My childhood at home was indeed pretty boring, and I would not want to wish this on other children. I am totally for the free-range movement, and when (if) I have children of my own, I will make sure to give them freedom!
Why I struggle with “free range?” I actually believe in letting my kids have more freedom, but the other parents and other neighborhood people do not, and it has been more frightening to me than the supposed dangers they are afraid of. On more than one occassion I have been made aware that I could loose my kids because of people in the neighborhood who think my kids should always, always, always be supervised by me. Once, after a long day with a sick preschooler and baby…I brought my five kids home from the doctor’s office. I let my three older kids (then 9, 7, and 5) walk our dog to an empty lot across a neighborhood street. We didn’t have a fenced backyard at the time, I was tired, and just wanted to hold my sick preschooler and put the baby down. The kids took the dog over there…leashed. The nine year old came home to go to the bathroom. He said the others were in the yard, but it turns out they weren’t because the five year old didn’t come back. The seven year old stayed behind with the five year old and the dog. The lot is just across the street at the end of our block (and we are only one house from the end of our block). A woman called the police, and they walked my kids home the maybe 100 yards. It was less than 20 minutes, and the police man was at my door with the kids. He filed a “child in need of care” report and said it would stay on my record and was open for public view. I cannot get this off my files. Nothing came of it besides the record, but if I have any kind of inident in the future it can harm my record. They were just with the dog in a big open lot. Obviously we have a safe neighborhood…they watched out for my kids even when they weren’t near the street…weren’t near any predators (it’s a big mowed open patch of grass…no weeds either….just a big soccer field time lawn). If someone were to approach my kids they could be seen long as there is nothing out there to hinder sight. With this though, I felt I couldn’t let these kids play in my front yard without me right there. I felt I couldn’t send them to the park alone, a park that’s just around our block and in the backyard of a police officer. Besides a police officer, we have a city worker, and three school employees, and I cannot let my kids out to play because I might be deemed putting them in “need of care” and neglecting them. Of course, if a child is under five, I wouldn’t leave them alone outside. Even with those three, I didn’t leave the five year old alone, he had his older sibs with him.
I apologize for the many errors in my above post. I reread it after posting and should have edited. Generally, the point is that busy bodies who are scared for my kids safety have actually caused me to have a published record in a file with local police. They never chose to contact social services, but the officer warned me they might. If social services is notified in the future, this can be pulled up and can damage my case. I am actually a very responsible parent, and want my kids to learn independence not fear.
John K, interesting question. I also think it’s interesting that this site seems to attract those from across the political spectrum, judging from the use of the term “nanny state” and equating fears of predators to fears of climate change…hmmm…Lenore, what say you?
Sarah, the word “boring” jumped out at me from your post. I’ve always noticed that the same communities that parents like (safe) are the ones teenagers hate (boring). Perhaps if we kept our younger children inside their wood-paneled, wall-to-wall carpeted, sterile homes less, and let them discover the world outside, they’d be less likely to transform into thrill-seeking teenagers.
ChristianLady, don’t take this sitting down. Your case should be shouted from the rooftops of your community. Contact your local paper; journalists would love this story. Fire it off to whatever agencies or publications would be likely to back you up. Get an ally on your city council. Tell your story exactly as you told it here. And come back to let us know any results!
I don’t want to judge anyone. Parenting is hard enough.
The balance between freedom and protection is tricky. It depends upon the kid , the parent and the situation.
Make them feel loved and protected and let them learn to leave the nest….. when they are ready to do so…which I bet will be before you are!
My daughter’s definition of child abuse was having to walk home from our tennis club. Six blocks. My son’s was having to walk to school when all the other kids were driven. One mile. Both are now architects. My daughter was a competitive tennis player. Parents were only allowed to praise, not coach, during a match. She learned how to win, on her own, and more important, she learned how to lose. They can’t grow if you teach them fear.
Hi:
I just read an article in the Sacramento Bee (Sacramento, California) about your child’s New York subway ride. I’m all for this kind of freedom because the kids that learn how to handle life in their younger years are better able to hand life in their later years. You are doing a terrific job of giving your children wings to live life.
Vonnie East
Thank you so much for speaking out! I love your balance between safety and independence. I have never been a helicopter parent but I have felt like other moms see me as an unsafe parent because of the independence I give my children. Thank you for giving a voice to the other side to help us raise more balances children!
I just want to say I heard you on NPR once and I loved it! Americans are so paranoid about their children being abducted. It’s ridiculous! I’m only 26 years old, but I remember walking to school on my own since I was 7 years old, and it wasn’t a short walk either. It was a 20 minute walk for me, through the busy streets of one of the metropolitan cities with the highest densities in the world. My brother walked a 5 minute walk to pre-school on his own since he was 3 years old. When I mention these things, people look at me with horror and think my parents made a horrible mistake by letting us walk to school by ourselves. Hey, we’re here right? No one kidnapped us for money either.
I plan to let my kids roam free in the future. Children must learn how to find their ways on their own, and how to deal with unfamiliar situations. Protecting children to the point where they have no ability to function without their parents is really doing them a disservice.
Rock on!
I grew up in NYC in the 70’s and 80’s and as a white teen girl I rode the subways and buses everywhere, from age 10 on. I had to take a train to the end of the line in Jamaica and then a bus across town just to get to my middle school of choice!
I learned how to keep my wits about me, which is a great skill that most adults today seem to be missing, how to judge people, how to ask for help if I needed it and most of all I developed great self confidence that has stood me well as I’ve traveled all around the world.
Truly the world is full of nice people and the sooner kids learn to distinguish the couple weirdos out there and hone their street smarts, the soomer they’ll be happy confident world citizens. It doesn’t steal their childhood from them for them to be aware of what’s going on around them and develop good judgement and intuition. It empowers them.
Today’s trend to swaddle our kids and overprotect them is unhealthy both physically and mentally. We end up with 21 year olds who are mentally still 8 and expecting Mom to do everything for them. Do we want this type to be the leaders of tomorrow? I sure don’t! Let the kids roam free, after discussing what-if strategies with them. Kids are smarter than we credit them, they’ll be ok.
I like so much of what you say and stand for, but for some reason you’re on the bike helmet bandwagon. It’s so depressing seeing kids and grown adults alike wearing bike helmets on designated bike trails. If you’re riding on a busy street, that’s one thing, but that’s not where most kids are riding their bikes. Your child has a better chance of getting his head splattered riding with you in a car on the way to buy groceries. It’s a statistical fact. So please be consistent and have your “free range” kid wear a helmet when he is with you in the car.
I’m with you on everything else.
I, too, am raising my 12 year old son as a “free-range” child in as many ways as I can think of. I have dropped him off at the shopping mall with enough money to go see a movie if he wants. He can take the bus through our suburb to a small shopping complex to get a smoothie, or ride his bike to the store, or go up to the park and hang out with his friends. He checks in regularly (every couple of hours or so) and I NEVER worry.
I have taught him to be aware of his surroundings and of people. I have taught him that there are not nice people and what to watch out for. I do not believe there are any more predators now than there were 30 years ago, but that we are just more aware of their whereabouts. There were predators in my neighborhood when I was a child, but they were disguised as the nice police officer across the street. Thirty years ago we were taught to obey blindly anyone older than us and to never question authority, no matter what our gut told us. Forget that!!! I want my son to grow up able to navigate through life and all of its ups and downs. The best way to do that is to arm him to the teeth with REAL information and then train him how to deal with as many situations as I can.
I also make him responsible for his own performance in school. I do not constantly call his teachers looking for up-to-the-minute updates on missing work. I have him talk to his teachers about make-up work and that sort of thing. His actions are his and so are his consequences.
All of these are skills he will NEED as he nears adulthood. What is scary to me is that an entire generation of children are growing into helpless teens who are unable to anything for themselves because their parents were too scared to let them try and fail.
I whole heartedly agree with free-range kids. It’s actually pretty sad that we have to have a special name for raising our kids the used to be normal way. I wish more people would keep in mind how they where raised, come home when the street lights come on. Giving your kids freedom doesn’t mean letting them rule the roost and running wild, it’s giving them good knowledge of the world and letting them grow as people. Sheltered kids grow up to be sheltered people, which just adds to the crazyness that a lot of people are afraid of. Props to you Lenore, long live freedom.
And yes i have 2 kids, 4 months and 3 yrs, and i plan on letting them do the things that i did as a child. “free-range”.
Thank you so much for being a voice of sanity in our fear-based, anxiety-driven world! When we don’t allow our children some room to explore, they grow up being anxious about the world and their ability to live in it. I have an 8-year old son who is free-range, with limits, just as Lenore advocates. I am also a mental health counselor and school psychologist, and understand that kids need to be safe, but also need to be able to explore. Some of the negative comments for “against” really show the fear that people experience about the world. Convincing children that the world is a scarey place is a disservice to them. Teaching them that the world is a place where one can live happily yet use common sense is a much better message.
I am totally for free range kiddos. It annoys me that people post isolated incidences and attribute that to a parents lack of concern or supervision. The fact is “stuff” happens, it is sad, it is devastating but tragic things happen for no reason all the time. I’m sure people would consider me a terrible parent since I let my kids ride their bikes around our village here in Germany. We’re Americans living overseas because my husband is in the military. They go to the bakery by themselves or ride their bikes to go get candy and I trust them to make good choices. I’m preparing them for life. I want my children to be able to recognize legitimate threats, not simply being afraid of life! Also, my kids aren’t afraid of the dark, they never sleep with me (nor do they want to) and have never cried when I have to leave. And guess what? My kids are smart, caring, and very well adjusted and liked. People are always telling me how great my kids are how good they are at sports and school yet if they knew my parenting style they would probably call me a bad parent. To me it’s the helicopter parents that have whiney, clingy, maladjusted children. Obviously I’m the one doing something right.
Just found you and THANK GOD! When we were young we played outside all day and rode 4 wheelers and snowmobiles and my mom honked the truck horn when it was time to eat…that was the only time she saw us! It was a punishment to be in the house. I let my kids walk after school, ride their bikes to the park a couple miles away and go places on their own. My son’s school told them they could not RUN at recess (which is ONLY 15 minutes long)!!!! Can you believe that? NO RUNNING!!!! They say someone could fall and get hurt! It makes me furious! And they wonder why kids are all ADHD! They can not get their energy out!
It’s so nice to have a breath of fresh air and a voice for common sense on this issue. Homeschooling families have always understood the concept of kids needing freedom and trust; it’s nice to see the message being taken to a broader audience and receiving such a good response.
Thanks I think this is great. I grew up in NYC in the 70’s took the train from Bklyn at 13. Now I live in a small town in coastal CA between LA and Santa Barbara (100,000 population) and every kid here is shuttled to and fro. My husband and I are going to teach our 7 year old how to take the bus (!) so he can get around without us once we all feel comfortable with it. I let him walk a block to a friend’s house this week for the first time (I watched from the far corner) and the friend’s mother was appalled. Our goal is to raise an independent self-sufficient man. How can we achieve that if we don’t let him explore the world in a safe, maturity level appropriate way?
Thanks for putting this out there!!!!!
I am 100% behind you, Lenore. Hovering over children constantly, giving them no free time to play and explore outside, constrains creativity and hampers the development of self-confidence and resilience. I’m only 35 and the change in today’s kids is glaringly obvious to me. It is frightening and sad at the same time — we have a whole generation of kids who can’t do anything for themselves, those kids have been completely robbed of their childhoods and a critical part of their development. I hear that not only do parents interefere with professors at college over grading matters, but it has now become common for parents to inject themselves into salary negotiations for their children’s first jobs. I predict a mass emotional breakdown when this generation’s parents die or become incapacitated.
I lean towards more of a panicky mother, but what I love about Free Range moms is that they don’t judge. I think that really should be the emphasis. I admire those who are able to relax and let their kids go and in some areas I am like that, but what I can’t stand is when a mom thinks another is “wrong” in the decisions she makes. We all make a hundred risk assessment decisions a day regarding our children and most of the time everything is fine, but for the few times our kids get hurt or the few times we don’t let them do something because of our unfounded fears let’s sit down and give ourselves a break. This is a TOUGH job and I think that we need to support each other and our government needs to let us make the decisions. I vaccinate my kids, but who cares if another mom doesn’t. I don’t leave my 11 year old home alone, but if another mom does and he/she gets hurt that doesn’t make her a criminal. There is no one right way to raise a child and there is no parent who hasn’t made a mistake in doing so and yet for most kids we all turn out just great. I just tell my kids that at least they will get their money’s worth at the psychologist’s!
MS, well said. Cass, I’ve heard of Israeli moms calling their sons’ IDF commanders to complain that they’re not getting enough sleep during training. Amy – no running at recess? OhMyGod. So now you have to join the track team in order to run???
I’m all for kids being able to be kids. Granted my child is rarely out of my sight but when he is he’s proud of himself that he can handle things without Mom and Dad.
Parents, of course, need to protect their children but not at the expense of his or her childhood.
And PEOPLE NEED TO MIND THEIR OWN CHILDREN AND THEIR OWN BUSINESS! As they do not currently hand out instruction books with each birth, a lot of people need to keep their opinions to themselves (she said, hypocritically, as she types her own opinion).
Thanks for listening.
I was a free range kid. My mother used to let me go outside alone all the time. She would say be home by dark. I wander the neighborhood, play in the park, collect bugs, etc. It has definitely affected my relationship with my mother now. I first caught public transportation alone at the age of 10. I got lost. All I did was call my mother. She picked me up and showed me the right way and I never needed her help again.
I believe that kids need to be given some independence. They do not become the intelligent human beings we want them to be when we try and control every moment of their day. They become needy and not self-sufficient. I say give them freedom. Let them out the cage. Don’t let them run wild but give them freedom that is age appropriate! That is how I will raise my kids when I have some.
I love this concept. I was raised in a bubble enviroment. The kids next door to me were 13 and still not allowed to play in their front yard. While my parents weren’t that restrictive, they were the worst case scenario type. I want to be a different parent. I want my kids to be able to fend for themselves, to not be afraid of enjoying life and to not have their judgement be clouded by their inability to think for themselves. When they get older I want them to be able to backpack through Europe, India and Asia and have the perfect confidence to do so.
I fully agree! Both my kids are raised with love, disciple, and responsiblity. I teach my 7yr old, that the world does not revolve around him and never will, so what good would it serve him in life for me to do everything for him. At 7, he does dishes, cleans his room, helps take out the trash, knows to put any money he gets into his piggy bank (because saving is what adults do), he goes outside on his own and knows when the street lights come on, its his time to come in for the day. At 8pm he tuns on the shower and takes his bath, at 9pm he says good night and puts himself to bed. I do this for a reason. I will not always be there to protect him, he needs to know that my husband and I trust him to make sound decisions for himself and when he doesn’t…we sit, we review and teach him a better solution. We live in a country that is not financially responsible, kids think that everything should be handed to them and then whine and throw fits. When did adults stop being ADULTS. I refuse to negotiate with a child, because the truth of the matter is…if I don’t prepare them for life and know right from wrong then I will fail as a parent! That is my job! To ensure that they have the tools and foundation necessary to leave the nest and survive. Where is sheltering my child going to get me?…I tell what it will get me, a d 30 year old living at home with no sense of responsiblity and living off of mom and dad. I don’t think so!
The first thing I did with my children as soon as they could crawl was teach them how to turn around at the top of the stairs and go down backwards. They quickly caught on because, for one thing, it made stairs much less scary, and for another, it allowed them to explore everywhere in the house.
The only baby gate I ever had was for my dog!
I’m totally for the idea of letting children “live” as we did in the past. Now, I’m likely not as old as some of the other posters here, and I won’t be a father until late in September, but I still think that most parents today are WAY too overprotective. My wife and I know that we’ll be having a daughter and I can already feel the urge to wrap her in bubble wrap and send her out with a pack of Dobermans for protection. My wife thinks it’s silly for me to fell that way and I do agree. When I was growing up (early 80’s through the 90’s) I was allowed to do virtually anything I wanted as long as I ran it past my parents first. I’d stay out well past sunset with my friends, playing games in the neighborhood and never once got scolded for being out so long. My parents knew the parents of my friends and I think that is what really helps. These days I see all these new neighborhoods springing up and the people there don’t even know who lives next to them! A little communication and a friendly chat can go a long way in helping to build trust in a child and the neighborhood.
When my daughter is born and growing up I expect her to scrape her knees and even break a bone or two during the course of her childhood. If she turns out anything like me or her mother I know she’ll bounce right back and go back to having what we hav forgotten childhood needs: fun.
I was allowed to ride the subway alone when I was 8. This was back in 1986 and I learned alot from those days. I am independent, well-educated, and can get around without a GPS. My parents taught me well and I see that we are now raising a generation of dependent idiots who can’t make decisions for themselves. Letting children make mistakes and make decisions on their own creates resilient human beings who will most likely be very successful in life.
Expecting my first in October, and my husband and I always think about the liberties we had as kids. And expectations/responsibilities. When I read about the subway incident, I wasn’t shocked or critical, except towards those who acted like it was the sign of End of Days. And when I heard about the mom who threw her kids out of the car for fighting and old enough to know better, I thought “well, they won’t ever do that again” until I heard about what happened next. So much for teaching children that there is accountability for their actions if Mom gets in trouble for it instead.
I’m all for teaching kids how to be helpful and responsibile if it means we raise a generation that isn’t automatically percieved as selfish brats just because that’s what the rest of society is teaching them to become. What’s wrong with a 5 year old making a bed or putting away clothes? What’s wrong with a 9 year old playing at the park across from our house? Nothing, but I think that an 11 year old who won’t go on a play date with Grandma without her mom is just plain weird.
GOOD FOR YOU!! I was never coddled but raised to be respectful and smart. I am not one of those moms sitting in front of the school waiting to pick up my child at the end of the day. We want our children to get off the computer . . . to do what? Watch TV? No! Go out and play!! Be healthy, make friends, be creative, find out who you are. My highest respects to you, Lenore, for being your own person, for being a good and safe parent, and for your bravery!!
Right on, right on! Regardless of whether we live in ubersafe suburbia or the scary parts of town, there are different things each of us can do to empower and raise independent children. Good for you for using good common sense!
FOR Free Range Kids
For kids that are confident because they are educated and experienced. What if Lenore had been separated from her boy by accident? I bet she is actually a lot less worried now. Empower the children! They are not as helpless (or stupid) as we think.
I support the movement and was a free range child myself, growing up in the 70’s …. rode 2 miles each way to school EVERY DAY on my bicycle, by myself…. crossing major streets to do so. Played outside, went to the neighborhood lake and parks on my own (or with my sister). Climbed trees, walked to local stores, went hiking, visited friends up and down our street. Always thought I would pass along that same mentality.
Fast forward to when the walls went up. We nearly lost our son at birth. We nearly lost our daughter in a drowning accident at 3 years old, and the self-inflicted “bubble” went up around them.
Fast forward a few years later, and thanks to a good friend who teases me about how the bubble-wrap isn’t working on my children, I have come to realize that despite my best efforts, the bubble will always be popped. While trying to protect them from EVERYTHING that could POSSIBLY injure them, they still encountered their fair share of issues. I have been way too careful about every little hazard, and yet, we still get razzed about needing a frequent punch card for the E.R.!
Soooo, I am working on stifling my inner “Safety Queen”. I no longer hover around the closed bathroom door listening to them breathing and asking “ARE YOU OK?” every 30 seconds while they are in the bathtub (that one was VERY HARD, I still listen for splashing noises though!). We have enrolled both kids in swim lessons for the last two years … and I am happy to say they are a couple of little fishes in the water! At 8 years old, we have finally allowed our daughter to go without her (gasp!) booster seat in the car. The Britax Husky seats have been sold. Just recently, my 6.5 son fell off his bicycle at a friends house and sustained an injury requiring an ambulance ride … but we aren’t going to say “NO MORE BICYCLES!”. He learned something from that event and will remember it. I do allow my children to play outside at our friend’s house on a 2 acre fenced lot … it is an enriching experience for them to be LEFT ALONE to grow and play! THey climb trees, say hello to the horses, run, jump, dig in the dirt, fall down and cut their knees, and use their imagination!
Our family has been through a LOT in the last few years. I continue to struggle with letting go, knowing it is in their best interest if we don’t hover around them. Thank you for this inspirational website, it will be a wonderful resource for us!
P.S. All of that having been said … please everyone, DO watch your small children around bodies of water. It is heartbreaking to watch one drowning story after another during the summer months. That is one area where you really can’t be too careful! We are blessed to have our beautiful daughter after such a close call, and forever grateful to the person who saved her life so that she could LIVE IT!
YES!!! I just read your abridged interview in The Week. Free ranging kids is the BEST thing that could happen for families in the United States. I am a Pediatrician and mother of 3 independent kids 5-10 years old who are leaders in their classes, problem solvers, active athletes, and playing in the street right now. I know that they (my kids, their idea) put out a bunch of orange cones and that they or some of the other half dozen NEIGHBORS will shout to commuters “hello” and “slow down please.”
I cannot assure, either as a mother or a doctor that one of my kids won’t die or be injured tomorrow- either because of an accident or an illness or a psychopath. No amount of hovering can prevent this- a toddler can do anything in the time it takes to pee. Statistically, though, as long as my kid wears a seat belt, I’m more likely to win the lottery. But I can tell you about hundreds of children in my practice who are anxious, depressed, obese, lacking self confidence, over-medicated, ADHD, frankly suicidal , early adolescent risk takers (ever hear of the blow job club?- starts about 7th grade). Today’s Americans spend their childhoods with uptight parents in airtight homes and confining classrooms, watching endless hours of fear based media. (Disney can’t do a movie yet where the main character’s parents don’t kick the bucket. ) We have taken away real exercise, real choices and decision making, real opportunity to figure out good and evil, real contribution to our family (chores), real contribution to our neighborhoods, and yes, real risk. The result is such a vast amount of preventable suffering, leaving us a generation of emotionally and psychologically and physically crippled citizens.
Throw the TV out the window, talk to your neighbors and get your kids out into the big, challenging and wonderful world.
gwen
Just read the article in The Week, and you are SO right on. Several years ago my 7-year-old son hid in the bushes in front of our house as a game (for all of 15 minutes!) and our next door neighbor called the police in a panic. Several weeks later we were visited by Child Protective Services who arrived unannounced, searched our home for signs of neglect and lack of safety, and required the entire family to be interrogated at the county office. For days the case worker called a number friends, relatives and neighbors to determine our “fitness” as parents.
When I recall hours and hours of unsupervised play with neighbors, riding my bike for miles, and going on numerous adventures without incident, it is quite a shock to be frog-marched downtown for “neglecting” my child for 15 minutes in his own front yard.
We, of course, need to use common sense about where and when our kids can explore and provide training while knowing the abilities and confidence level of our children, but give me a break! The fear mongering has gotten out of control. FDR had it right, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
Thank you, thak you, thank you. It is good to read the posts from so many people who have not been sucked into the 24 hour fear baiting news cycle.
It sometimes feels like I’m living in bizzaro world when I talk to my brother and his wife who don’t let their children play in their own backyard even though they moved way out of our city to be “safe.” We live in the city (St. Louis) and are much less afraid of the boogey man than they are despite living 45 minutes out in the county.
They are shocked that we let our 5 yr old ride around our block by himself when we are outside like our parents used to let us do at that age. They think we are crazy.
Our kids are 5, 3, 1 and our next is due in July. We let our kids have the most of the same freedoms and responsibilities that we were allowed when we were growing up in the 70’s.
One exception is carseats! I’m glad I got to ride in the “way back” of the station wagon w/ my head out the back window trying to get trucks to honk! My husband has great memories of cruising on the highway as a kid w/ not seatbelt on too! BUT, our 5 yr old is still in a 5 point harness carseat and our 15 month old is still riding backwards!
I had not seen or heard this event until I read about it in a weekly magazine “The Week”. I am so happy to find other parents out there like me. I too feel children are very capable of taking care of themselves. No mine did not and still do not always act as I might have or do they make the BEST decision. BUT…Isn’t that what growing up is always about. My children are now 18 and a few months short of 20. Their friends are only allowed to drive outside a 10 mile radius of home, have 10:00 curfews, and always always have their cell phones on them because driving 3 blocks to the store is dangerous. No one will call a babysitter that is under the age of 14 and the employing parent spends the whole night on the phone checking up on the babysitter. My daughters friends were never left alone nor could they walk to and play at the park that was only 10 houses away. Our neighborhood has not had an abduction or murder in the 17 years I have lived here and yet even middle school students are not allowed to walk by themselves after dark or late afternoon. After reading about you and your son I do not feel so all alone now. My two daughters are very capable of taking care of themselves and have fun doing it. I know of several parents that will receive your book as a present in this coming year. Well wishes to you and your son.
You are the BEST! I sometimes get sucked into the paranoia of our times, but believe that LACK of freedom will do kids more harm than good. We all know our own children and know when they are ready for different levels of independence, which can be different for each kid.
Not long ago, I read in some magazine an article where a woman had gone to take a shower and her two young kids, who had been watching TV, had left the house to try to find their father who had forgotten to take his lunch to work. The police showed up (called by a neighbor who saw the kids out) and the mother was horrified and basically saw her behavior as WRONG!! I was horrified that a person thinks they can’t take their eyes of their kids for 5 minutes in their own home (which, of course, is baby-proofed water-tight). I might have been grateful for a neighbor to walk them back home, and know that I had a village to help out, not a spy network.
My ex has started letting our 7yo walk around the village with a 15yo kid. I was completely shocked. I’m not really worried so much about him getting hurt or abducted – it’s a fairly quiet town where my son knows lots of people.
What I’m worried about is him being exposed to what the teens are doing / talking about too early.
How old are people letting their kids out? I might have been OK with it in a couple more years – but am i just being paranoid?
Thing is – I wasn’t let out till I was probably about 10 – and that was only to the shop – which was about 2mins away and had to go straight back.
When i was let out more later on – at about 14 – I immediately started smoking and smoking pot, drinking, having sex etc – which, while it didn’t kill me – i still smoke cigarettes and had a mild problem with alcahol for 15 years. So you can see why I’m worried.
Also, the kids that I know walk around out there are doing things like stealing etc
My son is a pretty good kid and he says he thinks they’re stupid for stealing or drinking etc – but he is also very impressionable – he already thinks he’s a teen and has to be cool all the time.
Help – What are peoples thoughts??
We have free range kids, too. Boys. They are now 17 and 19. Both are still alive. Both have gotten themselves into an above average amount of trouble and probably haven’t finished, yet.
The story I would like to tell happened when they were in grade school. Booking them for the summer was always important because both my husband and I work fulltime. So, they went to a Writer’s Workshop at a college out in the county (we live in the city). And they took a bus to get back and forth — by themselves. There was another mom whose kid was going to the workshop, as well. She lived around the corner. She wanted to carpool. I told her that we wouldn’t be driving our boys out and back everyday — they were taking the bus, with the unwashed masses and other kinds of people. She was mortified, appalled, never spoke to me again. And she gave my children a ride home from the workshop whenever she saw them so the Bogeyman wouldn’t get them.
My kids liked taking the bus. After the workshop, they had to walk clear across the campus, check out the student union, find the candy machines and generally waste time on their own schedule. From that point up until they got their licenses, if they wanted to go someplace, they took the bus.
I really have to wonder if the folks who think we are awlful parents live anywhere near public transportation or even have sidewalks in their neighborhoods. The only way to get anywhere from their homes is to drive. So, they have physically isolated themselves and their children from community.
I’d never heard of you until I read about you in the current issue of The Week. Of course you’re right and I’m just amazed that such a big deal was made of your letting your nine year old ride the subway. I have three grown children who made their respective ways around Philadelphia and its western suburbs from about Izzy’s age. They seem like competent, kind adults now; I would go so far as to say they are confident in their ability to deal with whatever arises. A few of their friends had parents who were afraid all the time, because of stories they heard on the news. Predictably, their children are anxious adults with rather limited, circumscribed lives.
I have free range kids (12-year-old twin boys) with an added twist. One of my kids has Asperger’s Syndrome (a high-functioning form of autism). My kids have been roaming our neighborhood and playing in the woods around our house since they were 5 years old.
I have never insisted on being able to have both my children in sight at all times (impossible with twins!), even when they were only crawling. I put away the dangerous stuff and let them explore. They shared toys with the dog, got stuck under chairs and behind furniture, played in the dog’s water dish, and had wonderful little adventures.
As they grew older they got more and more freedom. I got a VERY loud dinner bell so I could summon them home when they weren’t paying attention to the time. Did I need to know where they were all the time? Nope.
My husband was riding New Jersey Transit trains by himself when he was in 6th grade and going for epic bike tours around Bernards Township. I grew up in rural southeasten Missouri, so most of my freedom involved woods and fields and other natural things. Our parents raised us to be independent and self-sufficient…a gift that we both appreciate.
It’s very satisfying and even exciting to watch our kids pushing their boundaries and becoming more and more independent and self-sufficient…just like we did when we were kids. They love the freedom, and they’re always very proud of themselves when they get a new priveledge. Talk about great for their self-esteem! And they’re learning actual useful skills, too.
I am a Free Range Parent, or at least a work in progress. My kids (ages 9, 6 and 4) are down at the creek across the street from my house right now. YEAH! They love “adventuring” as they call it, and I remember my own years very fondly. Not coming home until dinner was how each day was for me. I somehow managed to live, even in a desert with snakes, scorpions and who knows what else.
VIVA freedom! Down with fear.
Thank you – it’s about time we start taking back not only our kids but our lives as well. The media has made us hyper aware of every possible risk in the world as though they were absolutes and not distant possibilities. We are living in a time of unfounded ubiquitous fears and it permeates every aspect of our lives; from germs on public structures to predators around every corner. We’ve stolen our kids childhoods as a result. I’d rather my kids learn how to be safe and independent than grow up paranoid that there is something to fear in everything. Thank you for helping build awareness around our collective ridiculous phobia and what it is doing to our kids lives.
Thank you thank you for giving a name to this vague notion that I believe in! Wow, I thought I was the only one who thought we were feeling far to fearful and as a result, were being far too over-protective of our kids. I caught hell for letting my 6 year old walk 2 blocks from her school to my car (there was a crossing guard at the one intersection). You’d have thought we lived in the “‘hood” (whatever that means). I want my kids to be street-smart, confident, independent people, not fearful and uncertain as they go through their childhood. Why are parents so scared to give their kids room to roam? When did that happen.
Thank you for giving all of us like-minded parents a voice!
Thank you Lenore! It’s a sad state of affairs that I fear the judgment of others more than the extreme (and extremely rare) dangers people are sure will happen if kids are given a little freedom to explore and move about. I think some people don’t have a proper sense of scale to really understand just how rare many of the “worst case scenarios” are that they hear about on t.v. I flew from NYC to Geneva Switzerland alone when I was 10. When I was 12 I could take a cab to the New Haven CT train station to catch a train from New Haven to NYC, then a subway from the train station to my grandfather’s brownstone on West 15th street in the Village. My instructions were to call when I got there. I had done the trip with my Dad dozens of times since I was much younger and knew it by heart. This was 1980, pre-cell phone. My is 2 now: I hope there continue to be more voices-of-reason like yours driving the zeitgeist and fewer frantic paranoids making other wise smart, thoughtful parents feel bad about themselves. Thank you for putting yourself and your opinion out there.
To “ruby” and anyone else who has an issue with the fact that Lenore didn’t let her son have a cell phone with him on the subway – clearly you are clueless. While abduction and murder is highly unlikely, it *is* common to have a cell phone nabbed out of your hand on the subway. There are a couple of simple reasons for this. First, drug addicts have no interest in killing anyone: they just need 10 bucks for a fix. A cell phone can be sold for 5 or 10 bucks on the street, so grabbing a cell phone from a kids hand is a great way to make a quick few bucks. Second, in a city filled with immigrants, it can be worthwhile to buy a hot cell phone because you can use it for a short time to (until it’s shut off) to call overseas (making it impossible for the cell phone provider to trace). Some crimes (the most heinous) are way down, but these petty ones do happen, and I think giving your kid some quarters if they are riding the NYC subway is an incredibly smart choice. The smaller nuances of these decisions have to be considered on the context of the environment. A kid running around the woods in rural New Hampshire should be given different rules to encourage independence than a kid moving from point A to point B in a city with mass transit. “Get home before dark” versus “don’t miss the last A-train connection to the F train.” Seriously, people need to stop judging.
Lenore ROCKS. She puts in words what I’ve been feeling and realizing ever since becoming a new parent 6 years ago. In our town there are no kids to play with because they all get shipped off to various camps all summer long! What’s up with that?
Lenore, you are my new hero (heroine?). One of my greatest hesitations about going down the path of settling and raising kids has long been the fear of encountering the truly perverse psychosis our culture has adopted about child-rearing. I was most definitely a free-range kid, and feeling like I’d be imprisoned (at worst) or ostracized were I to do the same now is mind-boggling. Thank you for breaking through the noise with your adult common sense! It is only by kids learning independence by being independent, by learning how to avoid danger by avoiding danger that we can repopulate this world with responsible adults.
Cheers!
You are awesome.
Parents need to realize that most of the trouble that kids get into is right under their own nose.
Growing up my parents gave me the freedom to travel and explore on my own, however I had very strict curfews and always was expected to report back on my experiences.
Many of my friends parents were afraid to let go an hour away from home alone yet they could stay out until all hours of the night if they were within the suburb.
Guess who got into way more trouble!!
Thank you so much for writing what I’ve been thinking since the day I had kids. I’m much more afraid about them drowning or being hit by a car than being kidnapped, but I suppose we all have to have something to worry about.
I grew up in Detroit in the 1970s. That’s probably one of the most dangerous combinations around. But thankfully I could roam my neighborhood pretty freely. I think what you did for your son is commendable. Thanks for giving this movement a voice.
Yes, I let my kid do lots of things that other parents don’t, particularly since we live in the heart of Philadelphia (in a neighborhood that has its share of shady characters on certain street corners). I started to give her wings at age 7 (taking the dog to the park a block away — I knew that dog would lay down his life for her) and now at age 10 she can (and does) walk to the shopping district alone, take public transport home from school alone, and a host of other “free range” things. This summer, she’ll be riding Amtrak alone to spend time with her grandfather. And there’s no question but that she’s a more mature, more confident, more responsible kid for it.
The only place I really draw limits is being alone near water despite the fact that she’s a good swimmer. (Even I don’t like being alone near water; one slip, hit your head, and you’re a goner, no matter how great a swimmer you are.)
I was raised the same way and in fact, I look back and think about what my mother let me do and am still stunned at some of it (like riding my bike for miles up and down the winding canyons and busy streets of West Los Angeles). And yes, I did some stupid and dangerous things when I maybe wasn’t old enough to make the best decisions. But I survived just fine, and I learned a lot about taking care of myself in spite of those stupid and dangerous things. I expect my daughter will do the same.
I’m delighted to discover your site. I was a free-range kid and, while my kids are only 4 and 3, my husband and I are already discussing what freedoms we can grant them now. Thanks for taking up the fight against the fear-mongering that drives good parents to obsess over the most irrational ‘threats’ to children. I applaud your efforts. Here’s to a whole new generation of free-range kids!
I just read your article featured in “The Week” magazine. While the libertarian in me respects your choice and understands your argument, I can’t help but question one of your heavily relied upon defenses. Have you ever considered that the reason children are statistically safer today than they have ever been is because the majority of parents have adopted the “stranger danger” philosophy?
I grew up in the 70s and from the time I was 6, I was allowed to fly on airplanes by myself across the country to visit relatives. I often had several hour layovers to make connecting flights, and thus learned all the airports I stopped in by heart (that was also back when you could ride up in the front with the pilots). No one supervised me. By 9 yrs old was riding my bike and taking the bus all around L.A. by myself and with friends. I rode my bike 2 miles to school and back daily in Junior High, and could drive anywhere I wanted when I got my first car in High School. My only indelible requirement was to call my mother to tell her where I was going next, under penalty of suspension of my roaming privileges, and so I did willingly. As such, I grew up extremely independent and I am grateful my parents allowed me those freedoms. Now in L.A., I don’t see kids on bikes anymore, and haven’t for years, and it makes me very sad for them. So I agree with you wholeheartedly that kids should roam freer than seems to be acceptable these days by parents who want to shelter their kids from bad people, and germs on shopping carts, and all manner of silliness. However, I think the logic you use to come to that conclusion is reflective of a worldview that is, though shared by many, utterly naive. You write that you disagreed with a mom who had written “There are many, many dangers to protect them from”. To which you reply: “There are not. Mostly, the world is safe. Mostly people are good.”
While I understand why you want to believe that, actually, you’re wrong. The facts are that the world isn’t mostly safe and it isn’t mostly good. Maybe it is in YOUR world, but in the rest of the world, little boys are being being kidnapped and used as soldiers, and little girls are sold into sexual slavery, all the time. They’re being sold for labor and thrown away like so much refuse everywhere. There are children growing up in garbage slums in Asia, Africa and South America that, because of of the detritus of modern technology, are far worse off growing up in those environs than when the world was more rural, less technological, and less caustic. There are plenty of evil people in the world and as such, there are plenty of dangers, and wishing human beings were good doesn’t make it so.
Having said that, I still agree with your conclusion and think kids should be able to roam freer, like when I was younger. My daughter is a little too young for that right now, but my goal is to teach her precisely how bad the world can be, and give her the mindset to know how to look out for those dangers. Then, let her go into it as early as she can handle it, because I neither want a sheltered kid who gets system shock when she really enters the world, nor a free roaming kid that thinks the world is just dandy and there’s nothing to worry about. Both are dangerous deceptions. You don’t prepare yourself for the rigors of a triathalon by either wimpy workouts or telling yourself you’ll never finish it so why bother. Why then would a person prepare their kids for a harsh world by sheltering them, or letting them go free without making sure they know what they’re facing?
Good work in the crawling down the stairs backwards, Anne. This belongs on the Ideas page.
Eric, Erich, and anyone else expecting a child: You might want to read: http://standbyyourname.blogspot.com/2009/01/girl-fetus-boy-fetus.html
Margie, you rock. I love that “village, not spy network”! Deborah Rose, you may want to read http://standbyyourname.blogspot.com/2009/01/girl-fetus-boy-fetus.html.
Carole A. re germs: My kids think it’s hilarious how Americans go around with hand sanitizer.
Tara, good point about giving kids in urban areas cell phones. Not to mention how many unintentional “baths” our cell phones have gotten, and the fact that kids are more likely to drop or lose them.
The idea for giving your kids some quarters instead belongs in the Ideas page. The trouble is, there are fewer and fewer working pay phones around.
Neil, I think you’re conflating two evils: corportate evil, and psychopath evil. They’re both awful to be sure, but as unfortunate as it is that Third World kids live in garbage slums, it doesn’t mean that today’s Western kids are in more danger: It means we in the affluent West have to teach our kids to make the world a better place.
I read the excerpt from your book that was reprinted in The Week. You are 100% dead-on in everything you say. Bravo.
You may be interested to know, if you don’t already, that in Waldorf schools, also know as Rudolf Steiner schools, one finds an unusually high concentration of parents who share your views. My wife and I teach in a Waldorf school which our 3 young daughters also attend. At our school we teach kindergarten students to cut fruit and vegetables with sharp knives and then let them do it; we let kids climb trees during recess, and we limit the height in a sort of informal way, depending on their age and the judgment of the nearest adults, if any are present; in 8th grade one of the required subjects is beekeeping, for which students wear proper full-body beekeeper’s suits; and in 10th grade, during the study of meteorology,the students go up in small aircraft from the local airfield to take measurements and each gets a chance to co-pilot the plane (under close supervision by a certified flight instructor, of course). These are just a few examples. Education, we would argue, – and parenting – accomplishes its purpuse only to the extent that it gives children real, significant experiences that allow them to develop real abilities, and hence real confidence. No real experiences – no real abilities. No real abilities – no real confidence in oneself and one’s relationship to the world.
Keep up the good work!
TOTALLY for Free Range Kids!
In my neck of the woods it seems that parents tend to fight their kids social battles for them. My neighbor is fighting her 17 year olds battles … if anyone calls her a name or says a cuss word this mom is screaming at the other kids parents! Now I would prefer that my kid not cuss but I think it is a phase that a lot of kids go through and I am not going to track down every kid that I hear or know about to yell at them. I monitor my kids social battles so that feelings are not too battered but I don’t get into most fights – only once . I do believe that girls use their words like boys use their fists and that modern day teens are pretty darn mean. I also think that technology affords too much privacy and that the mean girl behavior that goes on today is easier to perpetrate than back when I was growing up but I use these fights as a “teachable moments” … you know do unto others as you would have them do unto you instead of jumping into the problem to protect my kid.
My neighbor has a 14 year old (I have a 14 yr old too) that has no friends, dresses like an adult, never goes anywhere with or without an adult and in general has very little social skills outside of her immediate family and it is SAD. In general this family rarely leaves our towns city limits and Raleigh NC is 14 miles away… no movies, no museums, no culture, NO MALLS cause you can get mugged at the malls etc, no weird food …
I could recount many similar stories but you get the idea. I just don’t see where these kids are going to grow up and be stable self sufficient adults who can handle their problems! I don’t feel so bad for letting my kid grow up now that I know others feel the same way!
THANKS and keep this movement going!
I think that each parent knows their child(ren) and can determine how capable they are. We are not talking about leaving little babies poolside alone. I think that you have to let them grow on their own a little. If you never let them experience any adversity, they will be in shock when the apron strings get cut later. I lived on the south side of Chicago and took the bus and L-train. I rode my bike everywhere. And when we visited my grandfather’s farm in the South, we were well out of range of our parent’s watchful eyes, swimming in the creek (snakes and who knows what). But we did fine. We knew not to go near the snakes. We were told of the dangers.
Bad things happen in even the most protected of enviroments. We don’t know why. But if you put your children in a bubble and never let them experience life, you will be hurting your child in a whole different way. I understand the fear. A good mix of common sense, communicating and teaching your child and freedom will really help when these children become adults and are out in the real world without their parents to do everything for them.
As a father of three beautiful, bright, and capable daughters I am totally and completely in favor of free range kids. My wife and I are not raising children, we are raising women. When they leave our home and strike out on their own, they must be equipped and prepared to handle the real world, not the sanitized world-lite that so many suburban parents are manufacturing. I applaud you for your common sense approach to parenting. I am very much looking forward to reading your book.
Happy Mother’s Day!
I am so pleased to know a parent who is allowing their child to experience growing up without instilling fear of everyone and everything. I can only hope your view continues to take root and grow. God Bless!
By the way, I am totally for your actions.
Paul Kitchen
I read an excerpt of your book in “The Week” magazine. Your logic is impeccable and reasoning right on target. When I was age nine in 1955 we were allowed many indulgences young children now day are not allowed. Bless you for taking a stand, you are a great mother. How else can our boys become young men unless we allow them to test themselves against their environment.
I could write pages on how I feel about the media and how they keep trying to be the truthsayers of our nanny society and how our indulgences are way too scary for the average citizen.
You have done your son a favor. If young boys feel the need to test themselves, better a ride on the subway, than going out and shooting a rival gang member.
Keep up the great work
I applaud your efforts. Don’t let the media spin your efforts to give your children freedom.
I don’t have kids yet, but when I do they will be free-ranging, just like I grew up. My Mom and Dad had me ride my bike to high school some 8 miles away, and it was wonderful the freedom I gained. I’ve learned to be a world traveler with skills to navigate societies, both socially and geographically.
Unfortunately for them, they let me roam so early in life that I chose to leave the fold often for my high school summers, and I’m sure they wish they could have kept me closer to home for longer. Thankfully, they were not that selfish, and they know in their hearts that they have done the right thing by sending me out in the world.
I think I’ll call me parents right now and thank them again for having the courage to let me roam.
Keep up the good work!
Jason
I grew up extremely free range, admittedly in a different time and place, but it seems that the sandbox has gotten a lot smaller for kids and the tolerance for stepping outside turns normal stupid kid mistakes (and a learning experience) into a crime. Zero tolerance seems to be the standard for everything now, particularly in schools, and is simply a lack of willingness to make judgments and use critical thinking skills (but then, why would you want to teach that in school). So it takes a conscious effort and willingness to allow for that type of confidence building exercise. My parents left me in the middle of Hong Kong (1961) when I was 14, and allowed me to get back to our ship on my own.
It seems that there is no end to the number of people who are willing to express their opinions and views, regardless of how uninformed they may be, and of course tell you how wrong you are. But, they don’t know you or your son and all the life experience that went into your decision. Only you and he have the knowledge to make that decision. Good for you, and lucky him.
All the self appointed “experts” should just shut up, and manage their own lives, which, I am sure, under close scrutiny would not stand up as a yard stick for which to measure others.
Props to you. I’m 23 years old, and was raised extremely “free-range”. I grew up in a very small, safe town, but I was riding my bike to school a mile away by 3rd grade. Around this time, I also told my mom I didn’t need a babysitter after school and I could take care of myself for the 2 hours until she got home. I would ride my bike home, call my mom, and make myself a snack and do homework until she got home. When I was 9, I flew across the country by myself and went to summer camp for 2 months 1800 miles away from home. Not only was I perfectly fine, but I feel that I am much more independent and self-sufficient than most I went to high school with, many of whom are still dependent on parents or even living at home, while I attended a university 2000 miles away right after high school and have been completely self-sufficient since. When I was young, I never realized what my mom was doing by allowing me to cross the busy street on my bike, or stay home alone after school, or spend months away from home…but she was raising me to be a strong, independent, confident woman, and she did a fantastic job. We have a great relationship, but since I’ve “grown up” and moved away to a big city, I’ve never felt faced with a situation I didn’t feel I could get out of without help from my parents. Without a doubt, I will raise my kids in the same fashion, assuring they grow up in a safe environment and are allowed to have the independence to create the confidence needed to survive anything once they are on their own.
Awesome!!! Life is all about informed risks…. kids need to know this….
So many parents give their children no structure or discipline, yet won’t let them play outside. We need bedtimes, we need rules, we need to learn, but kids don’t need to be monitored 24-7.. they need to make mistakes and get bumps and scrapes…. good job
I think you have an amazing, mature son and you are a great mom. You have my support and Happy Mothers Day.
I think you are an amazing parent and the fact that you empower your son to be independent is refreshing. I am 29 and I grew up in a time where I played outside with my friends until dark (not an organized play date), went to their houses to see if they could come out (as opposed to texting them on a cell), and I basically could go anywhere as long as mother knew where I was going and when I would be back. My mother always prepared me for the next milestones in life as you seem to be doing with your son…and hey, I am still here…safe and sound. I applaud you for not living in fear and being a victim to the media hype that causes people to put bubbles around their children and themselves and inevitably miss out on the wonderful experiences that life has to offer…stay true to yourself!
THANK YOU!
I grew up a free range kid and feel sorry for this kids now that are just hot house plants. They are afraid to do anything but play X-Box or be driven here or there.
I know one kid that is 11-years-old even afraid to sleep with the light off because his mother keeps drumming in all kinds of fears.
Give me a break! You can’t grow inside untill you can go outside and live.
It is refreshing to know that we were not the only persons alive to let our children grow up to be independent adults. You are absolutely right to give your son the self-confidence that can only be developed through loosening the parental reins. The nay-sayers could certainly learn from you! Great job!
Hello. I am 12 years old and I read about you in The Week. Why in the heck were you called Americas worst mom??? He took the subway alone. big deal. To the freakin hypocritical parental experts. I understand where they’re coming from (I recently got hurt playing soccer; they flipped),
but that doesnt mean being a helicopter mom will protect them either. There are things in this life and world we cannot protect children from, but that doesnt mean that we have to live in the tabloids. Children cannot grow up until they live. people need to loosen up and let us free again. If not, what was it you said about protests?
Oh yeah, Happy Free Range Mothers Day!!!
Thank you!
My sisters and I were raised free-range (on a horse farm in WA) and we have all grown up well adjusted world travelers. I went into the AF and served abroad, my sis lives happily in the Bronx, and our children are learning safe ways to interact with the world. I feel sorry for the 25 year old still living at hom b/c mom and dad have taught them the world is too scary to venture into. Helicopter moms and dads are making it impossible to raise independent, free thinking children who will become the leaders of tomorrow.
Frankly, I think you all are insane.
I was raised fairly free-range, if you ask me. I spent my summer months running around the neighborhood with my friends, playing whatever games we could come up with. We knew which yards we could go into, which houses we could enter, which people to talk to, and which yards/homes/people to avoid. We all had happy, safe, independent childhoods. I hope to raise my children the same way.
However, there is a line that a responsible parent should never cross. For one thing, I live in an incredibly safe suburban neighborhood, on a street inhabited by people who all know eachother on a first name basis. Clearly, this is an environment where children are relatively safe.
A lot of these stories I’m reading are not taking place in idyllic, safe suburban neighborhoods. I’m reading a lot of anecdotes of children navigating city streets and transit systems. It sickens me! You cannot possibly know who that child will encounter along the way. And yes, I see how many of you have argued that your children are “mature” and “smart” and won’t fall for silly “can you help me find my puppy” schemes. And I agree with you, if raised right, a child can certainly become too smart for those acts. However, one fact remains painfully clear, a five year old is PHYSICALLY UNABLE to defend him or herself. And I don’t care what you say about the media over-representing how often these tragedies happen. While that may be true, the FACT still is that, in these city environments, there are thousands of individuals up to no good. I pray to God that your children don’t cross their paths one day when you’ve let them “free range” their ways through the streets.
By all means, let the kids out of the bubble. Helicopter parenting is unneccessary. I’m against it just as much as you are. But please, for God’s sake, get your nine year olds off the NY city subways. Wake up and realize that it doesn’t matter how street savvy your child is, when she crosses paths with the wrong person, all the smarts in the world are not going to protect that small, defenseless child.
I just watched the interview and believe you have it right. However, your son looks very mature and responsible for a 9 year old, and there are most likely instances of similar aged children, where allowing them to take the subway in NYC, would not be a possibility.
I grew up free range in Iowa, and so wish that my children would be able to experience the freedom that I did. We have been overly protective and I believe it is time, to break out of this mindset, and help our children learn and stumble and be successful by allowing them this freedom. Unfortunately our children are 12 and 15, which might be a bit late, however, we need to give it a go and see what happens.
Good luck! I hope to read your book, someday, when I have time to relax!
You ROCK Lenore! I have two kids, 14 and 4, and I tell you I HATE dependant children! I FEEL claustrophobic when I see kids hanging onto their moms for dear life… in the kitchen! My kids KNOW the rules and boundaries.. why? Because I make sure of it! My 4 year old is fluent in American Sign Language, can spell her own name as well as her family members’ names, knows how to operate a toaster, wash dishes, clean up cat poop, take care of her hamster and ride her bike around the block, goes with her older brother to the park, to his friends’, to the store! Going off on their own instills responsibility, a respect for the rules, self confidence and a KNOW HOW that I’ve noticed ‘super saved’ kids just don’t have. I think it’s smart for kids at a certain age (say, map reading age lol) to at least know the way home in all ways they can.. suppose (God forbid) your child was actually abducted, manages to escape and has no idea how to get home or help? I say over-protection is un-protection. When I was a kid I rode my bike, walked miles to the store to get candy, went to the beach walked to school, walked to my friends’ houses.. most of this BY MY SELF! *GASP*! And I’m DEAF! If kids don’t experience some dangers in life, they will never know what to really look out for when really serious events take place, nor will they know how to deal with anything life throws at them..
Granted, there is every reason to be safe and teach your kids safety.. within reason. Crawl-pads, did I read that right? OH my Lord! It also really sticks in my craw when I see moms ‘walking’ their kids on a monkey leash. I mean…. WOW. Yeah, there’s a kid who’s gonna grow up knowing the rules and boundaries *eye roll*
Lenore, I think there was such a response to you because those over-protective parents are JEALOUS of your FREEDOM and jealous of how smart your 9 year old must be to figure out the NEW YORK SUBWAY SYSTEM! Sure, a kid can know everything Einstein would know, or could be a genious spelling champ (misspelling intended), but when one cannot master transportation, self-reliance and plain ol’ common sense, nothing else matters!
Now, for the parents who allow their 3 year olds to run free and run to my house in search of food or a hug, or the parents who have the 6 kids who can’t figure out how to ASK for something in a non-whiney, non-demanding way who run wild all on a moving bus… THOSE are the parents who need to be educated in safety. My kids know to say Please, Thank-you, No thank you, excuse me, so on and so forth. Again, common sense and manners, folks!
True, every parenting style is diffferent, but there are some fundamentals that one just can’t ignore. Thanks for this site, Lenore! Keep it up and always remember, you are NOT ALONE! I think there is such competion, especially among mothers, to be the ‘better’ one that it is overpowering their common sense and natural instincts. For companies selling stupid things like “crawl-pads” (I cannot get over this. This is the stupidest yet smartest idea I’ver ever heard), it is all about MONEY MONEY MONEY. They don’t truely care about your kid’s saftey or boo-boos, they care about making MONEY off you uber-safe parents.
Ciao!
CIties are not less safe. If you look at per capita crime, your children are just at risk on Wisteria Lane as they are in NYC. How do you know your suburban town is safe? Do you do background checks on all your neighbors? Repeatedly? You might be surprised how many have been accused of crimes, drug related crimes, domestic violence, child abuse. No location is safer just because of location. City life is not the evil. Evil people are evil. Check out the rates of offenders in rural states/cities you might consider safe. You might be surprised at how many offenders like to live off the grid so that their evil doesn’t come under direct scrutiny. You may be more surprised how many live near you.
Any parent has to make safe choices for their children’s independence, as all children are different. My child would not ask to ride the subway alone, nor would I expect her to. But she will ask to walk her dog over to the neighborhood down the street, or run helter skelter in an amusement park with a friend. Her independence is wholly shaped by who she is and what she needs to become a healthy member of society. Safety is always a parent’s concern, but that will always be a personal choice.
SashaD and others, I understood that Lenore let her son ride the LIRR, not the NYC subway. Big difference, if I’m not mistaken. One’s a suburban train that goes from Point A to Point B, with stops in between. The other has all kinds of transit points and yes, some wackos. The people I know who grew up riding the NYC subway knew to ride in the front car, close to the conductor.
I must ask, why “LOL” about map-reading? What’s so funny?
I just looked up crawl pads. Unbelievable. But they’ll sell.
Good on you for having the guts!
I was travelling from Brunei to London when I was 9 ( thats 18 hours on a jumbo) and was in boarding school. At 11 I was skiing on my own in Austria. I am now a successful senior executive in a F500 corporation… so I didnt turn out so bad! In fact, as a 12 year old, I had more frequent flyer miles than my dad!
Parents today mollycoddle their kids and breed “victims” you know the type of parent I mean..
No watching the news,
No violent movies
No Coke
No meat
No sugar
Band aid on a little scratch
Hell NO BREATHING! the air is bad for u!
I feel so sorry for thses kids.. they are the future victims!
Yes I have 3 kids and they have travelled to Brazil, Thailand and Norway, all at around age 12!
Robert, I don’t equate restricting your kids’ TV and movie viewing and sugar intake as coddling. And it’s the news that got us where we are. I theorize that so many kids are hyperactive because of too much time spent in front of screens and too much sugar. I think most free-rangers would agree that the less TV and sugar, the better…send ’em outdoors, where they’ll encounter much less violence!
lol… I rest my case. More mollycoddled future victims… but hey to each their own.
The amount of fallacies propounded by the supporters of this idea is astounding… and that includes the author of this site. She apparently thinks that only fatal abductions are a risk to be worried about, and also stacks a number from just one source against the entire population of the U.S. It’s essentially a lie.
The idea will not catch on in a big way, of course. But even so, it is just a matter of time before someone who has posted on this very page has a child suffer an injury or abuse, which could have been prevented with proper parental supervision.
Whoever you are, you will deserve it.
re:worst mom video. Worst mom? ha. Not what I was expecting to see at all! I feel terrible that my kids do not experience all the freedoms I had when I was a kid of the 70’s growing up on the outskirts of milwaukee. As a child I rode the bus to the malls,..sometimes I spent my last dime and had to walk a couple miles home. It was great to be able to explore my neihborhood. I walked everywhere, includeing school.
Now here we are,..I have a child 7 and 10,..and I have gotten flack for letting my kids walk to school! All the kids are bused,.or driven by parents. (even if they live just across the street) Where do we live?? Right next door to the school! a 2 minute walk! I can see my children go in the front door of school from my window. One teacher actually made a comment to me,.that it was scary that I would let them walk alone. They do not even have to cross the street. It is less dangerous then the kids who get driven and have to walk through the parking lot with all the cars coming and going through. We actually live in a top ten safest city in america! We make the list every year ,.a couple years ago we were no#1! So even in the safest city in america,.people are in fear.
Dh will not let the children go around the corner to play,.must have a “play date”. make sure a parent is around. And it is funny that I am more worried about internet safety,.go figure.
Thank you so much, I am so sick of all the so called intelligent people whom actually fall prey to our “Fear Media” induced society. My child is slender why?? whats the secret? I let him outside! I let him run around until he actually feels hungry then he eats, but like we did as kids to fill our bellys so we could go play more. My child is confident, why?? Because I let him run around and experience life. My child is happy because, and despite my own fear inducement, I dont micro manage his world. It reminds me of a story I heard a couple of years ago where statistically only 1 child was poisoned by Halloween candy, since the inception of Trick or Treating, and that was by one of his own family members. Yet look at all the fear the media shoves into our brains about Trick or Treating??
Thank you Lenore! I had not heard about your and your sons story before because main stream TV does not play on our TV, which in itself provides a much less fearful life for all of us. We did read an excerpt from your book in the magazine “The Week” today and very much enjoyed the fact that you are speaking out for parents that want to instill confidence and independence in their children. Growing up in Hamburg, Germany, me and many of my classmates in school started riding on public transportation, at the latest when we were in 5th grade, some had to ride public transportation (bus/subway) when they were 8 or 9 years old. No big deal. It was normal at the time, and should be normal now. Parents need to provide their children with guidance, resources (like you did in your case, giving your son a map and money), and have to be able to let them go when both parents and their child feel ready for it. To call you names or to even suggest that you could not be a good mother because of what you allowed your son to experience is absurd. Again thank you for your book, for your blog, and for the courage to stand up against the fear mongers.
RIGHT ON! I don’t have kids but I take my niece and nephews (ages 8 to 10) to the movies every month – I know my brothers and sister would be appalled that I let them go to the concession stand and bathroom without supervision, but I do, AND THEY ARE FINE and I think a little more well-behaved for the freedom they experience. I support your ideas and your bravery to speak your mind.
My children come home 2 hrs before me, lock the doors and have a grand time w/o mom hovering. They ride their bikes around the neighborhood. They have friends at the other end of the subdivision and they get there all by themselves. My children are adventurous and well mannered. They know don’t talk to strangers, and to call mom if there’s any problem. I will not stop by children from living a full childhood because some mothers can’t understand they are suffocating theirs by not letting them sample freedom. So needless to say I agree with you on “Free Range Kids”.
I have two free range kids, 20 and 12. Our son rode his bike 2.5 – 4 miles to school from grade three on up. He was a tiny boy, very vulnerable, got flat tires, got rained on, fell, and He Still Lived. lol He has grown to be a smart and resourceful young man and his experiences have made him who he is. Our daughter is following in his footsteps. We don’t go to church but trust God’s plan, whatever that may be, good or bad.
I rest easy at night knowing that if something happened to me, my kids would be alright. That is a more comforting thought than lying awake worrying about what might happen, maybe, someday.
Good for you Lenore! More parents need to understand and embrace the idea of letting their children think, and grow, and make the occasional mistake, and learn. You and your supporters (hopefully me included) are raising the next generation of inventors, scientists and creatives.
Dear False Truth: a.k.a “the truth”
Are you saying that ANY child deserves to be abducted? That sounds like a predatory comment, IMO. That’s like saying a woman wearing a miniskirt “deserves” to be raped. How can anyone say that anyone “deserves” bad things to happen to them? I was no safer in rural WA, what with bears, mountain lions, and the occasional rattlesnake. My parents took the time to teach me common sense, and I am happily teaching my daughter the same. My child is not more likely to be a target b/c she is independent, which is a relief since you seem to think independent children “deserve” it.
I’m 59 and grew up in a typical ’50’s suburb. There was a sound there that seems to have disappeared from today’s suburban neighborhoods. It was the sound of CHILDREN AT PLAY. Where did it go? On any fair to middling day, year-round, you cound hear the sound of kids yelling, running, playing, fighting and generally having a great time. Our play wasn’t in any way organized by our folks other than being equipped w/ bikes, skates, sleds and sidewalk chalk. Playgrounds were something you encountered on family outings to picnic parks. Otherwise, we pretty much made our own fun and the neighborhood rang with the sound of the fun we made. Today when my windows are open on sunny days, I don’t hear a sound when it comes to kids at play. They’re either inside playing video games or off to some organized, strait-jacketed activity where their natural abilities to invent and enjoy their own entertainment is stymied and muted. I’m all for free range kids and giving back to them the joys and freedom of unstructured and uninhibited outdoor play.
BRAVO! My husband and I have fond memories of our ‘adventures in childhood’ and have had many conversations of the sadness and loss we feel because our 11 yo son has not shared those same experiences. If he goes around the block he is sent with a cell phone and has to check in every half hour! I truly admire your parenting style and can’t wait to buy your book. You are not only giving your son the gift of confidence but many other children and parents as well.
Dear Truth…. I’m sorry you feel that way. You are one that I think police should be watching out for. NO ONE deserves something like that, and that comment just says allot about who you are.
Yam Erez… I ‘lol’ at the map-reading age comment because that could be ANY independant age! Schools teach our kids how to read a map, then expect us to not allow them to use the information in real life.
I thought for a long time I was the only parent in the world who didn’t worry her kids to death, who let her kids ride without a helmet, to actually have a life apart from me, and I’m just so grateful to know that’s not the case at all!
My 7 year old daughter has been playing in the yard by herself for 2 years. She knows not to leave the driveway and to come in the house if a car pulls up. We live in a rural area with paved streets but no sidewalks. I’ve just given her permission to go to the corner and back on her bike. When I was her age I was roaming our neighborhood for hours with no supervision – we watched each other. We fuss about our children too much. The world can be scary but teaching our children to leave in fear does nothing for them or their future.
I read about Izzy’s adventure in THE WEEK and felt right away that I had to congratulate his parents for their courage to raise an independent child. I live in the suburbs and I get annoyed by the fact how sheltered the kids are in this picture-perfect environment. I started sending my son on little shopping errands when he was about 6 years old. I couldn’t get over the fact that their math curriculum in grade 1 and 2 mostly encompassed counting paper coins. Why not have the kids learn to cross a few roads to go to a store and deal with money in real life? Also, from an early age I took my son on subway rides into Boston to give him a sense that our society is a little more multi-faceted than suburbia. A few years ago, he started taking the train on his own and even though we don’t live in Boston I know that he can navigate the city without getting lost (he is now 16). In addition, he has been travelling unaccompanied to Europe several times to visit his grandfather. His trips to Europe alone have put him in many situations where we just had to trust him and his judgement. I strongly believe that the maturity my son has gained from these experiences will serve him well — especially when finding himself in situations that require clear thinking — such as encountering “strange strangers”. After all, it is your responsibility as a parent to prepare your child for the world and not to keep the world away from him.
I agree with what you are trying to do here. I grew up in the 60’s too and remember leaving the house in the morning( with no cell phone of course) but don’t you think in the times we are living in now that 9 yrs old is just a bit too young to leave in NYC in the subway?!Maybe if he was 12 or 13. It sounds like a good idea and I wish that my children could have the freedom that we once did. However I’m not taking any chances with my children. Too many wierdos out there that are just waiting for an opportunity like this. Sorry I can’t agree with you.
I am all for free range kids. My husband and myself are always telling our kids about the things we did as kids (only the good stuff 😉 ) and I want them to have the same experiences. My 9 yo has her own house key, starting walking to school by herself in the first grade (she now rides the bus), uses one of our cell phone if she goes off to play with a time to be home not time to check in. As for my other 2 kids well…they will grow up the same way.
P.S. As for the “only the good stuff” comment dont nobody freak out what I meant by that was we dont tell them stories of us getting into trouble because we dont want them to get any ideas to quickly cause we all know middle and high school are both coming fast.
I believe in Free Range Kids, but still have so much fear from media and all over “brain watching” that I have not been able to find ways for my girls to have that freedom. I live on acre+ lots and the nearest convenient store is a 10 min drive. However, I recently let my 9 year old twin girls ride there bike 3 blocks to a friends house. They were to ride over to meet there friend and ride home together. When it took them more than 10 to 15 minutes I freaked out, got in the truck and drove to find them with there friend and heading towards home. I felt silly for freaking out. They were perfectly fine and enjoying themselves and the ride on a beautiful day. I am trying very hard to let them have the independece they so deserve.
The thing that shocked me the most when I first became a parent was how people feel they can tell me anything. I live in San Francisco and do not have a car so my two sons and I walk a lot. When my oldest boy was 6 months a woman came running down the street rubbing her hands. She grabbed my son’s hands and pleaded with me, “Put some gloves on him.” I was so startled I just smiled and walked away. We live in San Francisco and it was April, there is no need for gloves. I thought that was a fluke but since that moment three years ago I have had people pull over to tell me to get an umbrella (for foggy days?), give me kleenex for my kids’ noses, give me the stink eye because I let them play in the sprinklers at the park. On several occasions I have had mom’s ask, “Oh you must be the nanny”.
I grew up in a not so good neighborhood in LA and I loved running around with the neighborhood, riding my bike, catching lizards and frogs in the empty lot near our apartment. We would go to the beach with my mom on Sundays and I cant remember if she was there (she was but she was reading and relaxing). We spent the whole day catching sand crabs and playing in the waves. Sometimes I was thrown by a wave and my I was a sandy mess or fell off a bike. I would run to my mom and she cleaned my up, gave me a kiss and told me she loved me and off I was doing it all over again.
She told me to tell her if anyone ever tried anything with us (due to an incident at an elementary school) and trained us to duck in the car at her command (the freeway shooting era). We knew when to come home, how far to travel and who not to talk to. I never once doubted her love or her ability as a mom. She told me just recently that if I was happy and independent than she did her job.
I let my toddlers get dirty, play with rocks, we go on the bus, run in puddles. Their laughter lets me know that they are content and safe. I am aware of strangers in the park, dogs not on leashes, gum on the ground, and broken glass and steer my boys away from those dangers but outside is their palace. Its their time to be them and explore and learn. As a high school teacher I have seen plenty of kids doubt themselves, feel nervous about making decisions and cry at a B+. The pressure is tremendous to keep them safe from everything. I like to think as a parent I teach my boys whats out there and how to make good decisions because I might not always be there for them (both my parents are dead and I am grateful that my mom taught me to be a strong independent person because it has come in handy).
I was excited to read about Free Range Kids in this weeks “The WEEK”. In San Francisco sometimes I feel all the eyes on me at the park, thinking “What kind of parent lets their kids play in the dirt?” or “Why doesnt she give her kids a kleenex?” I think our society has always been able to be innovative, compassionate, and creative due to a history of exploration. Our American History is made up of the Lewis and Clark Adventure, the Gold Rush, the colonists fighting for their rights, Waldon, space walks and the Peace Corps. DIrt, nature, exploration, daring, games all balanced with a strong sense of home has made this country a great place for kids to play.
I’m raising 2 free range girls. We moved from Manhattan to Florida because I felt it would be easier to do that with more open space, less people and cars, more opportunities for me to say yes instead of no, don’t touch, don’t go there, etc. Maybe it’s just a matter of opinion. I can see how Manhattan can be better in lots of ways for free range parenting too. I do not usually tell my daughter (age 8) to wear a helmet. I like her to feel the wind in her hair and she also goes barefooted too so she can just run out the door freely. Your statistics on abductions was very helpful to me and I also appreciated the cell phone thoughts – I’ve started sending her with a phone but may reconsider though she is young to be totally out of touch – I don’t know. I’ll have to think that one over some more. But my question is – do you have statistics about bikes and helmets? If it’s important to you, Lenore, I assume it’s because you know something I don’t about how dangerous it is to ride without a helmet. I read another comment of yours about the danger of bikes so please share your thoughts on helmets. Thanks.
Natalie
I meant to write age eight.
I am so relieved to give up my title as “world’s worst mom”. People used to be horrified that I did not carry hand-sanitzer with me at all times. The fear-mongers should not even ask about yesterday’s Mother’s day dinner as my daughter and I caught caterpillars with (gasp) our bare hands. She might have even bumped her knee when she fell on the lawn during our “tickle fight”. Come to think of it, I don’t even think we washed our hands before we had dessert and the world has not spun off of it’s axis. I just ordered the book and it’s started an interesting conversation between my parents and I about who gets to read it first. Lenore, if you’re the “world’s worst mother”, congratulations, wear that crown proudly, I commend you!!!
I do believe that I am raising my son as a Free Range Kid too and my daughter will follow. We live in what they call a master planned community. The school is 1/2 a mile away, and there is a park right next door to my house practically. My son is 7 1/2 almost and as of last week he has been riding his bike to and from school on his own, and he goes to the park to play on his own with the neighborhood kids. I am getting heat from parents in my community about letting him do this, and I am not backing down. He was ready for it and he is able to do it and I am all the more prouder of him for doing so. He loves the independence and would have it no other way from now on.
When I was a kid we went all over the place on our own.. heck I remember being like 9 years old and walking to the store on my own, or going to my friends house on another street on my own. We went to kindergarten on our own at 5 years old.
After this went to air on all the news channels they also said that the world is no more unsafe now as it was when we were kids.
I feel better now for writing that. Thank you.
I rec’d my copy of THE WEEK, dtd May 15, 2009. Read the article: The Last Word “Advice from ‘America’s Worst Mom'”
I luv this. im 12 years old. my dad is currently in a situation where im home with my 13 year old sister most days. im wat they call a latch key kid. i have a key to the house, and sometimes feed myself. how dare someone have the nerve to say that my dad is a bad father,when i have realized my passion for cooking and being independant. i have maybe more responsibilities than a normal kid. i thought that would be considered a good thing? so why not like this? i used to want to be a lawyer… now instead of living the high life i want one kid, my own restaurant and a ton of responsiblities and indipendance to give to my child, and a nice house in texas. that might be a little much to ask for. thats what some people think. my dad got sick of working little jobs. he got interested in international studies, and has acomplished alot now going to collage. he has tought me that lots of perseverance, through some of his choices in school, and somehow i find that my attitude and way of thinking has changed. while my dad is away, he lets me walk around town with a friend that is one year younger than me. i enjoy hearing the stories on how people criticize this. they are idiots. im sorry i know i sound like a stupid mean jerk but honestly… how would they KNOW if they dont try it!!!! just like they say to their kids. “how do you know you dont like it, you havent tried it yet,” uggggg! sorry for raveing!
Thank you for litening!
Amanda
I too, became aware of your story for the first time in THE WEEK, probably because I don’t have a television. First and foremost, after nearly 20 years in both case work and clinical social work, the idea of your being the world’s “worst” mom is offensive to me, given some of the places I’ve been and things I’ve seen. Just the sort of sensationalist crap people seem to be starved for. Just the kind of social control over women… never mind. You said something in the article about knowing your son. Now there’s an idea. We may be powerless over random crimes, but we’re not powerless over that.
Wow. this woman is being applauded by a huge percentage of these commenters…one person even was so inspired that she declared she would stop walking her 9 and 6 year old children to the bus…scary. People, find some middle ground here! Don’t hover but also don’t be an idiot. Children can develop street smarts and learn responsiblities in smaller ways. The subway ride by himself, can come at an age where he is a little more equipped to handle a dangerous situation. The many, many parents of missing children are better ones to take advice from than Ms. Skenazy. I think it is obious that she loves her son. She just seems truly sheltered, particularly with her comment about how the news reports that scare people & then end up being about a case in Aruba (I live in NY too, and the numbers of missing kids are astonishing: check the national center for missing children’s site at http://www.missingkids.com)
Anyway, the pedophiles of our society are applauding Ms. Skenazy the loudest… . If she continue to inspire people, just think of how many more targets they’ll have easier access to. Parents like these are a dream come true for them.
it’s a shame that it always seems to be one extreme or the other. Helicopter parents, or THIS. Scary “movement”.
Holly, so you are saying that it is absurd that I am letting my 7 year old go to school on his own with his bike, most of my neighborhood lets their kids go to school on their own. And he goes to the park on his own too. Education of the kids of what to do and when to do them are the key here… telling them that they come straight home, and if they want to go to a friend’s house to play that they come home first and tell us. The world is no different now than it was when we were children, society has made it that way. Most children are abducted by those that they know statistics show. If you tell a child not to go into an area that they don’t know they won’t go. I am reminded of that Amber Alert story of a little girl that rode her bike
in an alley on her own, now that was stupid, maybe not so much of the kid, but of the mother reminding her not to and telling her of the bad things that could happen. So my child is not going to do that, cause there really is not an area in my neighborhood for one that is going to be conducive to that.
So situations are isolated and very isolated at that.. I still think there are enough good people in this world to have helped protect the child in any case providing the kid has been given enough common sense.
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!
No offense meant, but are you from this planet?!
Your reasons are so clear, complete and intelligent it really is hard to realize you are of this planet, let alone this ridiculous nation.
I left teaching high school Math and Science because of the execrable ‘Self Esteem’ movement that was in vogue at the time. I was so stunned that adults, let alone highly educated adults, could be so dense as to buy in to the idea that children should never be challenged and always told they should feel ‘special’ about themselves simply because they breathe.
Yes, children, when they are ready, can be challenged and they will rise to the occasion. To expect anything less is just bad parenting and/or teaching.
You did nothing wrong. You are far from the ‘worst mom in America’, you are one of the BEST.
And yep, I’m getting your book tomorrow.
Again, thank you for being a voice of sanity in a nation that grows more stupid and ridiculous each day.
May your admirable son have many children that spread your good common sense around!
Kristine, good for you for shifting your position and trying. You deserve credit. Natalie, I read somewhere that ERs report that 80% of head injuries could be eliminated by wearing bike helmets. Having said that, I only require them on public roads, not the paths in my (gated) community.
You are brave….and brilliant. I just read your piece in THE WEEK and totally support your effort to raise your child as YOU see fit, unbridled by the hand-wringing angst inspired by our national and local media. I have railed against this phenomenon for years. My two sons and I participate in a local Boy Scout Troop where they are learning to appreciate nature while building confidence and independence. Thanks!
I also read the piece in The Week. I think you are spot on. Kids need to be taught to be wary of certain situations, but the best way to learn is from experience.
I am not a parent, yet, but I agree with your philosophy. A parent should know best how to raise their own child, and those that shelter too much are acting as a detriment to the child’s development.
When I was 9 I would ride my bike anywhere. There was only one rule – don’t cross the interstate. That sort of free-reign-to-a-point gave me a lot of confidence in my ability to take care of myself.
I have a friends, on the other hand, that still can’t get around without someone else to give them confidence. These are college students that can’t even ride the bus downtown and back!
I think the world IS dangerous…but you have to learn the difference. Parent your kids to be independent. Helpless children grow up to be helpless adults.
I am all in favour of what I’ve seen so far from Lenore and 100% in agreement. Of course acccomodations have to made depending on the individual child’s personal needs and abilities, but what our society is creating is children with no personal growth at all! Over the past couple of generations we have created young people who, as a whole, can not function on their own, who fear so much of the world and feel no connection to their environment, yet feel entilted to have everything given and provided for them without effort or concepts of the source. Richard Louv’s book “Last Child in the Woods” also sees these reults and looks at much of their source as being this feeling of disconnect to nature . Lenore’s and Richard’s work make good companions to each other and we need more voices to join theirs to bring about some positive change to this dilemma.
You are an inspiration and leader of a great movement. I applaud you and look forward to hearing more about you. I don’t have any children but when I do I will look to your book for guidance. I grew up in a tiny town of only 100 people and I want my future children to have the same freedom that I did.
I agree with Lenora! I have read so many responses about horrible things that happened to kids and so forth but it often follows with had they been supervised. That is exactly it, its not like she gave her son 20 bucks and sent hime on his way blindly. She talked with him warned him, life is full of dangers you have to scrape a knee or get a bruise to learn from ones mistakes. I have seen and met so many socially akward people that do things as adults that is far more dangerous than what this kid is doing. For instance I have a friend that followed a shadowy person down an ally of a major city on the hopes of a really good deal on a knock off product. my friend is 25 he just doesent know better. I look at it this way put your child in a Hamster Ball if you must, but remember so many kids in history including the widely used stories from the bible that have lived and learned! I am also sure he is not the only 9 year old that rides the subway by himself its you just have to take the race blinders off.
I’m astounded that the few who do not agree with this way of thinking have resorted to threats and name calling! I can only hope they deal with their children in a much better way, or how scarred are those kids going to be??!
I really like the idea of “free range” kids. I was a kid who was gone from morning to night and only came home for meals. I think that I can attribute my good health, morals, intelligence and imagination to the freedom I was allowed as a child. I am trying this with my boys, however my oldest is only 4 and is very hyperactive. My fears mainly have to do with his lack of attention to his surroundings. If it wasn’t for worrying about him darting out into traffic I know I would allow him more freedom. But, he is only 4 and he is getting much better so I’m hoping that by 6 or 7 he will be able to go out and explore the world and expand his mind and imagination as I did. I’m very sorry to see that there are people on here that believe a sense of independence and freedom are such bad things.
My kids are going to know how to deal with reality.
Lenore,
I read your article in THE WEEK. I totally agree with your train of thought regarding how the media has programmed us all into thinking the world is a terribly dangerous place. And moreover, I think a lot people still have the misconception that New York City is still terribly dangerous…which it’s not…especially near Bloomy’s on a Sunday. I’m not a mom yet, but my husband and I are going to raise Free Range kids. Happy Mother’s Day.
Emily
Good for you, Lenore!
It looks like you have received a lot of support here. I just want to add my voice, and say that I agree with you.
I took Holly Restucci’s advice and checked the national center for missing children’s site at http://www.missingkids.com
Very enlightenting. I live in Texas, big state, so I figured there would be lots of missing children…and there are…133 children have gone missing since January 1, 2000. That’s over 8 years, so that’s more than 16 per year, nearly 1.5 per month.
Here’s the breakdown
-Runaways 75
-Family abductions 24
-Endangered missing 21 (all are teen runaways or family abductions, except two – more about those later)
-Missing 9 (all are teen runaways or family abductions)
-Hague Case 2 (family abductions)
-Unitentified 2 (both are bodies that have not been identified, both were young adults)
-Non Family Abductions 0
Of the two endangered missing that were not runaways or family abductions – Nicholas Plaza’s mother and her boyfriend have admitted to abusing and killing the boy but his body has not been found. Elian Majano was 2 when he disappeared and the police have yet to get a credible story about his disappearance from his mother or her male companion that day. His 4 year old brother offered conflicting statements, but none involved abduction.
So, according to this credible resource….there are a LOT of tragic stories involving teen runaways and family abductions…but no reason to lock my 7 and 10 year old boys inside the house.
I see a lot of comments here where people are looking for ideas on how to help ease themselves into letting their fledglings stretch their wings… Here are some ideas for you.
When my son was 6, we started by sending him to the neighbor’s houses with notes and requests. I sent him around the block to deliver a note to a neighbor, since I couldn’t get the neighbor on the phone. I sent him next door to ask for pledges for their school fundraisers. I sent him to another neighbor’s house to ask if they had any sugar, or to tell them that the headlights of their car were on. I walked with him to school, making sure to point out all the major street crossings.
Now he is 7, and he is motivated to get out the door in the morning because he knows that if he gets ready early enough, he will be able to walk to school by himself. Just yesterday, he thanked me for letting him walk alone. He enjoys his unsupervised time out, and it helps him to arrive at school feeling a little more in touch with himself.
My only worry is that in my very tightly knit community, other mothers sometimes see him walking to school, and they want to pick him up and drive him where he is going. I don’t want him to get in the habit of getting into anyone’s car. His stock answer is “No thank you, I’m having an adventure.”
And hurrah for no hand sanitizer. That stuff drives me bananas.
Hi. I read your excerpt in The Week and totally agree with it. I do think suburban parents are waaaaaay more likely to hover around their kids than are small town or even inner city parents. One woman visiting my very small home town located at the intersection of two fairly busy trucking routes once asked “weren’t we worried that truckers would steal our children?” Seriously. What semi driver has time to take care of little kids on the road, and wouldn’t the trucker prefer his or her own kids? It seems to me that if you are teaching your kids to be reasonable and to take responsible precautions, allowing them unsupervised unscheduled time to play is a pretty good idea. It does not mean parents are supposed to abandon their children to “Lord of the Flies” situations. It means that parents are supposed to raise their children to feel trusted and capable and whole and self responsible. If you’ve taught your kids to be those things as a matter of course, they probably do not need your micromanaging in order to continue to live successfuly from minute to minute. Of COURSE you want to know which park your child is riding her bike to, and with whom, and approximately when she will be back, and that she feels comfortable asking for adult help if necessary, but you do not need to be with her every minute of her day, given reasonable limits determined by age and capability and personality.
Right on! As a fitness trainer I’m amazed by the number of fat kids I see. This generation is wasting away being sheltered from the outdoors. From what exactly are parents protecting their kids? Are we protecting them so they can live a shortened life span due to obesity, poor motor skills, anxiety, stress…
Play dates, organized sports for 3 year olds, driving kids everywhere. Whatever happened to being a kid?! Playing, creating, exploring…with parameters, but with freedom. We’re becoming a nation of free-mongering dullards.
I am for!! My 15 year old stepson scolds me for letting my 10 year old daughter walk in the dark to her friends (it gets dark at 5:00 here in winter). Her friends is only a 5 minute walk down the street!!! He says there are crazy people/pedophiles all over the town………ummm…where?!?!…..we live in a small town. I have not heard of one so far.
He has a panic attack every time because that is the way he was brought up (by his mother). He is also afraid to go on elevators, in planes, rides at the amusment park, and more. His mom scared the living daylights out of him as a child by being overprotective and now he is paying the price by being afraid of “life”.
I say let them free! Dont shelter your kids!
And I walked to school from kindergarden by myself all the way through to high school. Never got a drive once and I never thought twice about it.
Cheers!!
I lived in a small town in WI. It was like Mayberry, and it was lovely. My children could walk freely anywhere in the town, it was heaven. I would always tell them, this is unusual, and one day they will live in a place that will require a bit more awareness. All of my friends would tell me how lucky I was to raise children in this sweet little town. My reply, “no”. It’s more challenging. I am raising my children in a bubble, they need exposure to other things, racial diversity, some danger, left of center.
We were only 90 min. from Chicago. My son at age 11 had an attitude and wanted to go on his own. He was equipped with a cell phone. I said goodbye and have a good time. I spent the next hours in agony, but knew this was exactly what my son needed. We still talk about it. It will be the most memorable experience of his childhood. He still thanks me.
Thank you so much for standing up for this. I grew up with extreme freedom, traveling all over the United States and Canada. Frequently, as a child my father would even hitch-hike with me, or we would pick up hitch-hikers ourselves.
My father and I are still alive today. But the experiences I gained, as well as an appreciation of people from all walks of life, is a far more valuable education than any of the finest schools could have given me.
I am now the parent of two children under ten. My nine year old walks to school every day, walks to his friends home, goes outside and rollerblades, bikes etc with no direct supervision. As my daughter gets older, she will be given the same freedoms. My son is able to ask for assistance, directions, whatever he needs from adults, and has been able to since he was about 4 or 5.
I really suggest that anyone wanting to approach this style of parenting read the book ‘Protecting the Gift’ by Gavin DeBecker….
My husband and I do not plan to have kids, but if we did, they’d be Free Range Kids. I was raised in a more sheltered environment than he was, and I was scared to do anything by myself–even order food for myself at a restaurant–mostly because my family overprotected me. I had to teach myself to be independent. 😦
The best thing that can happen to a kid is a parent who is tuned in enough to what they’re doing to carefully teach them & let them go on their own when the parent knows the child is ready. More power to Free Range Kids! Rock on!
Ever stop to think that the numbers haven’t gone up so much because people take more care in protecting their children?
I am 15 years old and i agree with your cause. Anybody who reads this will think oh he’s just a kid what can he know. My question is what do you know? Why is it better to shelter kids then let them try things go out for hikes. Parents today freakout when they haven’t seen there kid for 3 minutes in walmart. It all comes down to experience. The more you learn for yourself the more you do it the more responsible you become the better adult you will most likely become. It’s almost the same issue with driving. Parent’s are so afraid of kids driving and getting into accidents because they have no experience. How though, are you supposed to get experience without actually partaking in the event? How can you become a better driver without driving? Lecture us all you want warn, baddger nag, threaten, all you are doing is making kdis mor needy on other people. What happenes though when there are no more people to lean on? My dad always said when he was a kid, and he gre up in New Jersey before it became suburbs, that parents all around would say get out of the house and i don’t want to see you till dinner. When are we going to return to those days. I admit that yes I, myself, play to many video games, listen to my ipod to much, am to electronic, but when we are held inside, without the ability to go out and experience the world what do you expect?
thank you to whoever read this through to the end
Geoff Churley
After coming across your website I was surprised. I started to re-evalulate my own parenting. I myself did in actual fact grow up as a free range kid, that is during the 4 years I was raised with my family. I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old now. My eight year old has a cel phone, also is very wise and smart and educated when it comes to how to get help if alone, what to do in an emergency etc. I trust my eldest to be able to be on her own once in awhile. The only problem I have is this: In society today, if say something were to happen to my daughter and she does need help and is able to obtain it, Child Protective Services gets called because they all wonder what an 8 year old is doing without adult supervision. So how do you balance the amount of freedom that you give your child without the constant concern that some parent is going to call child protective services on you because say they dont like you? It is frustrating. Also I’m curious what people would think about 4 year olds being left alone in a Family Complex and the parents don’t watch their child, they don’t even check on the child. The complex is not gated. The complex I live in 3 & 4 year old are being left un attended. I think this is not Free Range I believe that this is a parent who just doesn’t want to take the time to deal with their child. I truly believe people coddle their children way too much ( I admit I have done it) But sometimes people do it because they are worried that others will call police or social services. I tried to give my two girls a little freedom the other day. They wanted to walk home from the store which I drove too. As I said previously my girls are 8 & 6. My eight year old looks like she is 11. Shes very tall for her age. I made the agreement that they could walk home however, I would follow them in the van. (the store was about 12 blocks or so. As I did I parked for a bit and let them walk and no sooner had they started walking a women across the street from me, started taking pictures of my children and looked like she was going to cross the street and ask my girls if they needed help. I got out of my van and told her that my children wanted to walk home, and that because of their ages I still had to supervise them so I had agreed they could walk but I had to watch them from a distance. The women said that they shouldnt be walking at all because they were too young. I thought this was crap because A) I was supervising my girls B) Who is she to tell me that I cant follow my own Children and C) Your damned if you supervise them and damned if you don’t. It is very frustrating. Exspecially when I was 9 myself my sister and I always rode our bikes. Heck when I was 9 my mom would give me a quarter to go to Mcdonalds to buy an Ice Cream cone, or she woudl send me to the store for butter and smokes for her. You dont see people calling child protection services on her at the time (mindya it did later on for other reasons). So how do you give your child the freedom when they are educated and are equiped wit hthe tools they need without having CPS called on you. I’d like to hear peoples responses. Dianna Holden From Canada
This is a wonderful idea. Since my father made me find my way to a downtown Chicago lunch date with him int he early 90’s (I was 10) I have been traveling the globe. Simple adventures of this kind have permeated my thought processes and left me with some serious wanderlust. By 12 I was on international traveling soccer teams. By 13 I was taking cross country airplane trips alone. And at 16 I studied abroad for a year with a french family. Since that first trip on Chicago transit learning to read maps and find my way I’ve been to 24 countries in 25 years and have pursued 3 degrees in my quest for knowledge.
I think more people in the US and Europe could benefit from an adventure or two. Teaching children early on that learning and new experiences are exciting will be key to producing a productive and proactive new generation. The longer we shield children from experience the more entrenched we will become in the “fear of the unknown” mindset.
Now, I’m not advocating sending children out who are not ready. But if a child shows the kind of emotional maturity and self reliance necessary for a bus or train trip, let it happen. No one says you have to make them ride through the bad parts of town at 2 in the morning. Do a short controlled experience. Who knows, it may lead to wonderful experiences and an overall more enriching childhood.
Having just read your story in “The Week” magazine about Izzy riding home alone on the subway, I instantly thought of the episode of M*A*S*H* where Hawkeye bet that he could walk naked to the mess tent, eat, and walk back to the Swamp with no one noticing. He got pretty far, too. It makes me wonder just how many people gave Izzy a 2nd look on the subway, or getting to and from? As one of my friends from NY put it, “Very few people have enough curiosity or energy anymore to even care – much less do anything.”
Admittedly, NY itself frightens ME – and I’m over 40! Blame it on my being raised in a very rural area of the Midwest, though, where my friends and I wrote the book on free-ranging kids. In fact, you might even refer to us as almost feral from waking up to about 4 or 5 when the parents began coming home from work. And you know what? The worst thing that ever happened was when a friend (about 11) crashed his dirt bike and broke his leg. I still say it wouldn’t have happened if the ADULT who swerved at him while taking a corner too fast had been a bit more responsible and stayed ON the road?!
But to sum it up, none of us got killed or all that seriously injured. The only fallback positions we had were Charlotte, the neighborhood mom who was always home and being such a “mom”. That, and our Boy Scout first aid training served us well, and I think we all turned out OK for a bunch of ‘wild children’ without constant supervision.
I salute you for your cool confidence in the face of so much hostility toward your parenting choices. It is a monumental experience for children to see their parents face huge challenges and triumph.
Whether or not we agree with the choices of other parents, we have to allow for the differences in each of us. As individuals, we are not the parents of all children. We debate, we confer, we console, and we comfort each other. But it is folley to think that we know what is best for the child of another mother, father, grandparent, etc.
I personally believe that all of us have been blessed with the parents we have for very specific reasons. Those reasons are completely based on us as individuals.
So if you “hover” around your child because you don’t want him to bump his head, so be it. But please don’t attack me when I let my child climb up the “big kid” ladder at the park while I watch from the bench.
)O(
Michelle, re your four-year-old darting into traffic. It’s a grounded fear, which is why I told my kids, “No darting. You don’t want to end up like Al Gore, Jr.”. Of course I had to explain to them what’s meant by “darting” and who the heck Al Gore, Jr. is and what happened to him (at age six, while holding his dad’s hand in a stadium parking lot post-game, he darted into traffic and ended up in the hospital and almost didn’t make it), but after I did, it became a kind of inside family slogan, and they GOT IT. TALK to your kids. EXPLAIN stuff — what could happen if we aren’t careful. Make up an in-family rhyme or slogan. Communication – it can’t start too early.
Reminds me of when my oldest was three and we were landing at JFK, so I bought one of those “curly leashes”. I clipped it on her at Baggage Claim and within a minute she ended up tangled up with a bunch of other passengers. The leash was worthless. Talking to your kids – worth a goldmine.
Danielle – I love “No thanks. I’m having an adventure”! And with ya on the hand sanitizer. Just another product and way for someone to make $$$. Whenever we hear a “warning” of some “danger” that involves buying the “solution”, it’s worth asking, “Who’s trying to sell me something?”
Example: After reading in several parenting mags not to let your kids wear hand-me-down shoes, and seeing all the nearly-new shoes in fine shape that could save me so much money, I asked the pediatrician, who said, “As long as the shoes are intact, it shouldn’t be a problem”. Ding-ding-ding: Who wants me not to use hand-me-downs? The shoe manufacturers – duh! Think about it: Shoes mold to fit the wearer’s foot, whether it’s the first wearer or the fourth. Don’t get sucked into the Crawl Pad Mentality.
As a 19 year old who is completing his freshman year of college and now able to reflect on my upbringing and childhood I whole-heartedly agree with you! You are awesome! I bet Izzy will grow up to be a far more mature, socially capable, and level headed adolescent and adult than his peers. While I never rode the New York public transport system as a kid, my parents gave me a fair degree of freedom. My mom would let me wander around stores by myself and play in the neighborhood with friends unsupervised and I turned out just fine. I never got abducted, molested, asked if I wanted candy, or taken back to a strangers garage either!
Parents today are so f*cking psycho sometimes. The kids who are babied through childhood and over protected through high school are usually the ones who go off the deep end when they get to college. I party every weekend at school, but I know how to do it. Since I’ve been exposed to the world instead of protected from it I know how to behave in it, unlike the kids who get sent to the hospital for being too drunk almost every weekend.
From a kid himself, To all you free range haters, do your kids a favor. Let them play in the dirt, let them run around without you following them, let them explore the world on their own; let them be kids damnit! I bet that your fondest childhood memories contain many memories of adventure without your parents, do you want to deprive your kids of a childhood like yours?
For
I’m 23 and was raised ‘free range’ in New Zealand, although that my brothers n I still had boundaries. We were allowed to go on all sorts of adventures as long as we told mum where we were going. And we lived over the hill from an unoffical nudist beach (there were only ever a couple there and they got rather embrassed when we went there for a geography fieldtrip). I’ve been catchin buses alone since I was 10 and always walked home from primary school.
I didn’t discover this was something to worry about until I was about 18 and was on my way to babysit for an american family. I caught a bus, a train, then walked the 10 mins to her house (in a perfectly safe suburb that didn’t even have a pub) and the mum freaked out when i knocked her door! She didn’t think it was safe for me to walk from the train station, infact she was never too happy about the train thing either. Yet I’d been doing it since i was 10!?!
I’m glad I was raised the way I was and I’m glad so many of you mums are keen to raise you’r kids the same way. Good luck
A couple things I forgot to mention in my previous comment:
1) I read your article in the week and was inspired to tell you that you’re doing a good thing. (Imagine that, a typical college student reading a well informed magazine!)
2) Also, part of me knowing how to “party” here at school is being able to balance work and play. My GPA is currently a 3.9, higher than it was in high school, and I’m not taking a weak schedule. Just wanted to make sure that parents reading this recognize that I am meeting their standards of success.
Bunny, the previous poster (Dianne?) was giving her eight- and six-year-old a controlled experience when she followed them in her van 12 blocks home. I applaud her, but she’s living in fear of CPS. We need ideas!
I applaud you on your views and this website. For the record I have no children now, I’m a gay male living in a large Southern city and I have chose to not adopt because I feel I can’t live up to parental standards , plus I would like to make the choice with a partner. It seems to me , from my observations, that if you are not a “child worshipping parent ” nowdays that you are considered unfit in the eyes of the world. Luckily I grew up in a small town in Eastern Arkansas where violent crime was non-existant. As a child I played outside all summer long on our farm and all over town with my buddies. Our Mothers gave us the freedom to experience something that sadly is no more. I know that it seems there are more child predators in the world now and I understand that concern. Most everyone I know over 30 years old seems to have survived lead based paint in our cribs, falling off of chairs, walking home from the library alone….etc. I believe parents need to start giving freedom to their children or we will raise a new generation of paranoid kids and young adults. It’s so sad to meet a coworker or friend who is out with their children and see the child cower or not even be able to say hello because they have been taught that all “strangers are bad”.
Rachel,
Do you think that you are the first to ask that? No, thats not the reason. See Lenore’s interview on the View for you answer.
Linz
Gee Lenore, you’re my new hero. I am a grandfather. My wife and I live with my daugher, husband and four grandchildren ages 7,5, and 18 months (twins). My other daughter has two boys 10 and 7 years old. I grew up in Philadelphia, Pa. At your son’s age I was on the streets, and my mother had no idea where I was or where I went. If she did, I would have never lived to be a grandfather. In those days it was legal to kill your kids. At least that’s what my mother and father said. I rode the subways, trolleys and buses all over the city. I treat my grandchildren “free range”. My daughters are amazed at how close they are to me, and how they listen to me. When I tell them something is dangerous, they have no doubts of my truthfulness. Children are extremely aware of danger and will rebel against a tight hold, or false warnings of danger. Thanks Lenore. ron harrington
I’m “for” – a thousand times “for!” I just read your article in The Week and loved it. My kids are 8 and 11. I think I am getting more protective as they age. I’ve got to pull back a little and let them be kids and have fun and trust them. What you said about the media is so true. Am I really afraid that my kids will be abducted? No, but the media sure make it seem like a real possibility.
Thanks for your work, keep it up!
You, its one thing to let your children ride bikes outside by themselves or walk to school alone, but its another to let them take the subway all alone. That is very irresponsible. What if something had happend to him? Someone took him, or he got lost? Im assuming you live in a big city or you wouldnt have a subway system. Giving your children some freedom is fine and at a certain age yes being able to use public transportation (mostly a subway), I have nothing against freedom, but being irresponsible, and probably a little bit lazy, is not cool at all and maybe next time u should think about what COULD happen to your son instead of how he might grow up having had the freedom to do this on his own.
Thank you!! I was beginning to think I was the only mum in the world who would even consider letting my kids have a bit of freedom before adulthood! My children are only 3 and 5 but I asked other mothers at what age they thought it would be ok to let their kids go to the store/school/park on their own. Keeping in mind that we live in a super family-friendly neighbourhood, I was utterly shocked when the other mothers told me that the age, on average, they’d be comfortable letting their kids do this would be..15!! I have been made to feel like the world’s worst mum for suggesting that I’d be ok with them going to the ice cream parlour or local shop (both 2 blocks from our house) by age 8. When I was a kid I took off on my bike in the morning and the only rule was to be back by dinner. With no cell phones, pagers, or blackberrys, people had to trust in the world that their kids would come home in one piece, and we did. And I believe we were stronger for it. Isn’t our principle job as a parent to prepare our children for the world so they can lead independent, self-sufficient lives and trust their instincts and survival skills? I can’t understand how a child who is hovered over until adulthood will ever have any confidence to navigate their way in the world.
This mama bird, for one, will teach my chicks how to cross the street safely, wear their helmuts while riding their bikes, scream their heads off and run away if approached inappropriately by anyone – while encouraging them to fly.
Thank you!! I was beginning to think I was the only mum in the world who would even consider letting my kids have a bit of freedom before adulthood! My children are only 3 and 5 but I asked other mothers at what age they thought it would be ok to let their kids go to the store/school/park on their own. Keeping in mind that we live in a super family-friendly neighbourhood, I was utterly shocked when the other mothers told me that the age, on average, they’d be comfortable letting their kids do this would be..15!! I have been made to feel like the world’s worst mum for suggesting that I’d be ok with them going to the ice cream parlour or local shop (both 2 blocks from our house) by age 8. When I was a kid I took off on my bike in the morning and the only rule was to be back by dinner. With no cell phones, pagers, or blackberrys, people had to trust in the world that their kids would come home in one piece, and we did. And I believe we were stronger for it. Isn’t our principle job as a parent to prepare our children for the world so they can lead independent, self-sufficient lives and trust their instincts and survival skills? I can’t understand how a child who is hovered over until adulthood will ever have any confidence to navigate their way in the world.
This mama bird, for one, will teach my chicks how to cross the street safely, wear their helmuts while riding their bikes, scream their heads off and run away if approached inappropriately by anyone – while also encouraging them to fly.
Wow! I am utterly amazed. In this day and age, I have had the belief that I am the only sane person out there – that children need to experience independence in order to grow up to independence. Thankfully, I no longer have that belief, due to your blog. I won’t bore you with stories of my childhood, but needless to say, we weren’t ‘safe’.
And I don’t want my child to be ‘safe’ either. I want my child to be good, and strong, and independent. I want him to take risks. I want him to learn that he there is a risk of falling and failing – but, most of the time, the risk is worth it!
Bad things happen to kids, and when they do, it’s horrible. But bad things happen to adults, too – and that’s horrible, too. But we want our children to be able to handle life with wisdom, and the only way to inject that wisdom, is to teach them that they need to have a healthy respect – not fear – of danger. To shield them from everything teaches them that everything is to be feared – and that’s as much of a form of child abuse as anything.
I just read your article in “The Week.” It reminded me that Marilyn Manson was quoted in a Michael Moore film that American society is based on “fear and consumption.”
I’m letting my 8 year old daughter go away to summer camp in another state for 17 days! I let her walk to her friend’s house around the corner often.
Both my children were raised free range in the late 70’s early 80’s. They had a delightful childhood that included many adventures and discoveries on their own. There were regular negative comments from friends parents but my husband and I laughed them off. There wasn’t such a wide base of fear-driven parents back then so we didn’t feel the pressure that is so pervasive and suffocating today. We also got rid of the TV set before we had our children and so had a peaceful home raising them without it. I think that the present hysteria surrounding raising children today has to do with the lack of control parents feel fueled by a constant flow of ugly visuals served up by TV. Parents can control the images they allow into the home. It’s true that we cannot control what goes on in the world, but we can create a peaceful home from which children grow organically within their surroundings and learn to navigate and feel comfortable in the world as they discover it, in the world as it is and in the world they will have to make a home in. Our kids are now courageous, independent, successful adults who are fully able to make their way in the world as they find it. Isn’t that what all parents want for their children?
For me it is not about FOR or AGAINST,itt is about who the hell gave parents rights to make their kids prisoners.I have 3 kids,29 yrs. old son,24 yrs. old son and 10 yrs. old daughter.My sons were born and raised in Bosnia,and yes we lived 2 loooong years of war.What can be worst than that?Keeping them in fear for the rest of their lives.That is not my choice,because myself,I love freedom of thought and act.My daughter was born in Montreal-Canada,where we live since 1995. and I am raising her in the same manner as my boys.She goes alone to store ,to library ,swimming pool or anywhere she wants.And I am very proud to say that.We never lock the doors of the house during the day,and too often forget to do it before we go to sleep.My daugter always loughs about that,because now she understands that fears make us week(and stupid).She knows a lot of kids that have over protective parents,and she tells me that she is very sad for them,because those kids don’t love their parents.Who would?
Thank god I was not raised by over protective parents. By age of 3, I was in parks playing with my friends without any parental watchdog. By 7, I was taking bus ( not the school bus) to school. By 12, I was experimenting in kitchen fixing my breakfast, by 14 I could cook my lunch and dinner and my parents were happy to take their vacations leaving me alone.
They never induced fear in me about strangers, I was infact taught to lookout for cops or someone in uniform if I needed help or assistance.
I confess that with all that freedom came lot of responsibility, at times I failed, did made mistakes… but hey that was growing up.
Parents have to realize that kids are NOT their extensions, but individuals and your experience is not always helpful… KID should not have to live his parents life, he should experience his own.
Wonderful! I’m the mother of two boys, now grown, who grew up in a large city riding their bikes, taking the bus, and walking most everywhere. They survived quite well and knew how to get from one place to another by the time they left grade school.
When my older son was in kindergarten, he came home after a presentation on stranger awareness and the dangers of strangers and asked me, “Mom, what’s a stranger?” How sad that so many people, adults and children, think the world is a dangerous place and that other people are to be feared. We help our kids develop into confident, capable, friendly adults when we teach them to use common sense and have a sense of adventure and that most other people are friendly and helpful.
I was just talking about this topic with my neighbor (and mother of 4 kids.)
When I was 5, I walked to school by myself, over the river and through the woods, to say that it was a nice hike. By the time I was 10, I was coming home to an empty house, a few years later – making dinner for my family and doing laundry…did I mention that this also included my younger sister who I was responsible for?!
As an adult, and mother of a 3 1/2 & 5 year-old, I can see that my childhood situation was somewhat inappropriate. There were a few scary situations where our safety was definitely compromised. Adult supervision could have thwarted efforts by unscrupulous people. This taught me that there is definitely a difference between over-parenting (essentially micro-managing every move your child makes down to the ounces of fruit juice digested….not kidding on this, I have friends that monitor this to the ounce!?^&*O) and neglectful parenting, which is what I believe I experienced as a child.
Listen, my belief is that you should be so connected to your children that you can read the majority of their needs, fears etc. If you are doing a good job as a parent, you should be confident in the education you have provided your child and the specific maturity level of your kid. You will know whether or not your child can handle a 2-block bike-ride to a friends house or a 20-minute play in the yard. Know your children! Spend great time with your children & give them the freedom you believe they have earned! Yes, there are “crazies” out there who do not have the best interests of our children at heart, but we cannot walk in fear. What a sad life that would be.
Right On! ! You are an awesome Mom and your Izzy is an exceptional boy! I believe in everything you have said. I am a Mom who has protected her two daughters from the world…now that they are 20 and 21 I wish I would have done what you have…..Don’t let anyone tell you that what you did was a bad thing. You are a very intelligent lady and cudoos to you and your family.You know your son and his ways and trust in him…. Way to go and God bless you
I’m glad I discovered this blog. Half the things I read about parenting make me so angry I could spit. This makes me want to take to the streets (or let my kids do so anyway!).
Recently, a random woman stopped me on the street to tell me how dangerous and irreponsible it was that I was letting my 4 year-old walk behind me by a couple of yards. Surely he would be kidnapped. First of all, I’d love if he would walk with me, but if I don’t lead the way, he just slows down and we never make it anywhere. I know my kid, I know he’s not going to run into the street, but if I don’t keep walking, he might just find a trail of ants to watch for half an hour. Second, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Someone is actually going to grab my kid off the street when he’s that close? Frankly, if they’re that determined, I don’t think having him right next to me is even going to deter them. Secondly, if I have to explain to anyone else how rare random kidnappings of children are in this country one more time, I may scream.
A childhood friend who is also a mom recently recalled to me the kind of freedom we had as kids to walk up to a mile or two away from home to the nearby strip malls to browse the bookstores and eat fast food. “Can you believe that?” she said. “We would never let our kids do that kind of thing!” Um, actually, if by the time my kids are 12 years old (the time she was remembering), I don’t feel comfortable with them walking a couple blocks away to the store, I’ll be astonished.
The fearmongering is just everywhere! Every time we manage to get rid of our subscription to Parents magazine, it somehow comes back again. It comes free with more toys and products than I can count. For awhile we were getting two copies every month. This completely proves to me that it’s scaremongering propaganda coupled with pure product placement and not an actual magazine at all. When I was a relatively new mom and my milk brains refused to let me read anything more substantial than a magazine, I remember reading through an article in Parents about babyproofing. Most of the things were things we’d already done, a few were good ideas and a few were things I couldn’t imagine doing because of the cost or mammoth effort involved. At the end of the article it cautioned that even doing all these things wasn’t really good enough because you should NEVER take your eyes off your toddler. At the time I had two (twins) that I was home with alone much of the time and my first thought was, “Parents Magazine doesn’t think I should be allowed to use the bathroom!”
Hey, Susan, your daughter’s gonna love summer camp! I also recall the Marilyn Manson interview in “Bowling for Columbine”. Had a strong effect on me.
Angela, good for you for throwing the TV out. Reminds me of Barbara Kingsolver’s essay, “No One Gets Killed At Our House”. Well worth reading.
Hey, Farrar, right on. No bathroom, no toothbrushing ’til your kids are 18! : ) Karen, you’re so right. There’s no disasterp-proofing like knowing your kids. But it’s so much easier just to perch them in front of the TV and let the corporations rear them! : )
OMG…I just read your column in “The Week” and I haven’t stopped smiling yet! First of all, let me say, I don’t have children, so I am really not entitled to have an opinion (or at least that’s what I’ve been told). But, alas, I do…so I’ll go on!
I live on a block with many small children (7 & under) on it. All of our neighbors know each other very well. I have always been a proponent of “what was so wrong with the way we were raised back then without books and experts”. I watch these kids clinging to their parents legs, riding in strollers instead of walking, not allowed out of their parents sight, getting picked up after every fall, and not allowed to just be a kid!
Do these parents realize what they are creating? I can tell you! As an employer, I see first hand that we have created a generation of spoiled, undependable,
whiny kids that don’t know how to interact with adults because we’ve told them that it’s not safe. Give me a independent, confident & intelligent child anytime! I think they will stand out as adults.
The best thing about your philosophy is that you believe what you are doing is correct for your child and you follow through. As a parent, the hardest thing is breaking out of the trend of one-upping the Joneses. Everywhere we go we are told how to parent by perfect strangers and criticized from each direction. Do I absolutely agree with you? Not really. But, I absolutely agree that you should have the right to raise your child as you see fit
My daughter is 36 years old now, but was not only raised as a “Free Range Kid,” but being a single parent, was left home alone from the age of 11 on while I traveled for business. The reason I did this was so she could go to college and not have a million dollars in debt upon graduation! Of course, I had friends look in on her to ensure her safety in the evenings…but then, my daughter was basically born responsible and independent! Today she is a pediatrician at a Children’s hospital, has 3 children of her own (all free-range kids!), is happily married, loving and nurturing…and still very responsible. She is afraid of NOTHING, and her children (ages 7 and twins 5) follow suit. The kids know not to talk to strangers, not to leave the yard without asking/telling where they are going, and then all walk from the bus stop to the house (2 blocks) without an adult. Yes, they are very young; as they get older, the privileges will grow. Right now, they aren’t to cross the street alone. Only driveways after looking both ways. They are fearless; yet, I tested them one day by having a friend they didn’t know (a man) drive up to them and ask them if they wanted to see his dog. They ALL ran screaming “He’s not my dad! Help! He’s not my dad!” back to the house. Basically, I love Lenore Skenazy…and think we molly coddle our children not only by fearing every nick and scrap, but also by making rules for formerly competitive games by making sure “everyone wins.” Poppy cock!!
I am so FOR – the example of the kids drowning because they weren’t supervised OR given restrictions hits the nail on the head. Teach your children to be aware of what is safe and what is not. My eldest daughter is 6 and recently I have let her go to public restrooms by herself within a restaurant or at the ice skating rink when I’m across from the door doing up her sister’s skates. But friends that have been with me on those occasions have looked at me as though perhaps I’d lost my mind. We grew up roaming the neighborhood and surrounding woods, being called for dinner with different bells or whistles. I put myself in far more danger with my college antics than when I was younger and under my parents care. Rock on!
Ms. Skenazy,
I think you are right on in treating your son like a responsible child. He will grow up knowing what it is like to be independent and be able to handle new things.
I work for an airline, and witness overprotective parents every day while at work. Their children cannot so much as sneeze without the parent panicking. They pack so much for one child that they cannot board the aircraft without the assistance of two other people to carry all the junk for them. Strollers, car seats, booster seats, toys, blankets, but they forget the diaper bag.
I see children with no respect, no responsibilities, and no discipline. Children who do not know the meaning of the words “please, thank you,” or, “may I”. Parents provide for every need and every whim. Most of the parents do not know the word NO.
When I was growing up, if I wanted something I had to ask politely starting with “may I please”….. I was thrown out of the house in the afternoons with the words “go outside and play”. I rode my bike to and from school about 3 miles away starting in first grade. I was trusted with this.
Parents today are doing their children no favors. Our culture is obsessed with “self esteem” . Awards are given for “participation” in sports and events. No value is given on work ethic, or “if at first you don’t succeed, try again”. Failure is part of our learning process. Being disappointed is a valuable life lesson. I see young people in the workplace who think that raises and promotions come from just showing up everyday, instead of consistent effort over time.
I read your column in “The Week”. I am so impressed with your ethic about child rearing. If parents today never allow their children to explore and grow, they will never be ready to be responsible adults. I admire you for allowing your boy to eventually become a man, instead of keeping him a boy to ease your own fears.
Louis Haskins
I just saw your article in The Week, and wanted to give you a big kudos for your intelligent decisions. I’m sure Izzy will grow up to be bold, confident and resourceful, attributes which will put him light years ahead – socially, in school, and in a career – of the very children whose parents are so critical of you now.
I also find it amusing that the media outlets criticizing you so fiercely are the same ones publishing stories (before the economy tanked, anyway) about how the twenty-somethings entering today’s job market are a bunch of cry-babies that expect constant adulation and hand-holding. Perhaps the hypocrisy is lost on them of praising independence in the workplace while simultaneously criticizing you for instilling independence in your child.
Best of luck to you and Izzy. More parents should be so wise, and more children so fortunate.
I completely agree with this parenting style. When I was a kid we left the house after breakfast and didn’t come back until dinner!!! I rollerbladed all over town and the worst thing that happened was a fractured thumb. I loved being on my own and gained alot of life experience. I have a 10 month old son and I will definately let him wander far and wide.
My 11 yr old nephew on the other hand has no freedom and can’t do anything for himself. My sister in law still cuts up his meat for him and won’t let him get his own plate ready. She won’t let him play in the front yard because someone might “grab him”. But he can’t play in the back yard either because the dogs stay out there and there is poop everywhere. He can’t walk the 2 blocks to his friends house by himself, she either walks with him or drives him. He can’t run his own bath water or put his clothes away.
I let him help me make INSTANT mashed potates the other day and he was so excited and proud of himself. I’m planning on letting him “get away with” alot more while he’s in my care! The boy is almost a teenager for goodness sake!!!
I try not to criticize her parenting because I do think it’s up to her how to raise her child. I wouldn’t want anyone telling me how to raise mine so i do keep it to a minimum(most of the time!)
I’m glad that i’m not the only “irresponsible” parent out there. Just because we let our children have some freedom doesn’t mean we don’t worry or care about thier safety. What parent doesn’t? We just don’t put the worry onto our children!!!!!
In reply to Amity about the 11 yo. nephew who isn’t allowed to do anything at home – I can attest to the damage his mother is doing to him.
My sister was the same way with her first son – now 18 and well on the way to being a career criminal. He’s gullible to an extreme fault, thinks whatever someone else tells him is OK, and just can’t seem to learn right from wrong.
From day 1, Sis was with C. all of the time, and wouldn’t let anyone do anything with him. No going to friends’, no friends coming over, no groups, no activities, nothing. It was all stay home with her so she could control everything. She wouldn’t let him do a thing on his own, and had to be the “helicopter parent” even when he started school. The results have been disastrous, despite how the rest of us have tried and tried.
Cool. Number 1 is the fact you had enough insight to realize your child was ‘ready’ for his adventure, this is what moms are supposed to do. I agree wholeheartedly with allowing children to be children. It’s called giving them responsibility. For Izzy this was more than an adventure, it was a great learning experience. Many of us today are dealing with a society of ‘grown ups’ that never learned the rules of the playground as kids. Good luck to you and your family.
I have a question re awards for participation. Our kids take gymnastics at a community center where at the end of every year, every kid gets a certificate of participation. I have never been fond of this, even before I knew about Free Ranging. When my kid brings one of these home, how should I react?
Love this site! I was a free range mom and didn’t know it.
My best story- we lived in Italy in the late 80’s; I had my three kids alone at my brother’s house in Strasbourg, France while he was in the US and my 10 year old son couldn’t wait for the toddler to finish his nap.
So I gave him a map of the city and his roller blades and we met an hour or so later in the heart of the city. And neither of us had much knowledge of Strasbourg, we didn’t speak a word of French or have cell phones. And he loved it.
And 8 years later he wandered all over Europe on a Eurail pass and a few years later, rode down East Africa on a flatbed truck.
And I remembered Strasbourg and trusted him.
If you write a follow-up book, I can tell even more tales! I have four free range kids, well, 3.5; my oldest had health issues but I got more relaxed as the years went by and NOTHING terrible happened.
Yam: Try to get your kids to think of such certificates as simple souvenirs, something they can look at in the future to remind them of their experience. It’s not really a bad thing to have a little something you can show for the time and effort you spent, as long as people don’t make a big deal about it.
Yam, I agree with ebohlman. Treat it as a scrapbook item–a memory of something they did. I have a lot of these from when my daughter was in grade school (she’s 36 now). I like to pull them out now & then for nostalgia! 🙂
My hat is off to ya! I admire your bravery for speaking out about the wide-spread paranoia that has swept our country, and those other advanced countries where the news media has overwhelmend the population with FEAR ( that seems to be their business, today).
I was a free range kid in Chicago in the 1940-1950 era; and guess what, I survived to be 66 years old, what a surprize!
Well, good news travels slowly, and bad news sells newspapers; my Grandpa used to say.
I remember during the Vietnam war era, that the news media seemed to expand greatly, mostly with bad news, ( previous wars the goverment didn’t allow news reporters on the battle front, a wise move). Anyway, even though we were winning every battle, old Walter Cronkite convinced the politicians in Washington that we were loosing, so they cut and run, and we lost the war. I beleive that’s when all this started. Now we as a people are terrified by what’s on the News, and the so-called Reality Shows. How could we not want to protect our children from all those terrible dangers out there? My God!What a bunch of simpletons we are!
My mother showed me the door, when I graduated high School. For which I am very grateful today. It made me more independant and a sucessful survivor of that big, bad world. I did the same to my children, and guess what? they are not 30 yr. olds living in my house, they are out there being productive citizens. What has happened to our society? Too much FEAR media! Excuse me while I go watch Obama’s first 100 seconds in the white house.
True Story: My daughter was 8 at the time when I picked her up from school & dropped her at home so she could start her homework. I then went (by myself) down the road to the grocery store to get items to make dinner. I was back in less than 35 minutes…only to find two police officers INSIDE MY APARTMENT! It seems the nosy retired fossil of an old man next door reported me for “abandoning” my child. SHE WAS IN HER OWN HOME! When I asked the cops if I did something wrong they said, “No, only if she was vandalizing or something.” WHAT?! She was simply doing her HOMEWORK! So I asked, “Then what the heck are YOU doing in my HOME when my daughter has been told to NEVER open the door for ANYONE when I’m not home?” That’s when they told me a “concerned neighbor” called, and they did have a problem getting her to open the door! Today, I probably would have told her to not open it EVEN IF THEY MEN WERE DRESSED AS COPS!
There are just troublemakers out there questioning our parenting style left and right. You raise yours and I’ll raise mine…and by the way, MINE was a straight A student, is now a doctor, and is highly responsible and successful! And I was a single parent! Neener, neener! LOL!
FREE RANGE PARENTS RULE! 🙂
Bkn6006:
They are harming their children with this stuff. One friend of mine weights over 400 pounds–and her 13-year-old son weighs over 300! She is constantly with him…he has no friends, never goes anywhere without her there. She takes him to Broadway shows and allows him to watch TV and play video games or on the computer all day long (when he’s not in school). You can imagine how miserable this child must be at school! The bullying has to be excessive! Anyway, lately he has taken to “bumping” his mother with his body when he’s angry. This is just the beginning. And she has no idea why! Most arguments are over food as well! The ONLY two role models in his life are his mother and grandmother, who baby him like nothing I’ve ever witnessed. Very sad. I tried to get him to go bike riding one day with me and my male friend, and he told me he doesn’t know HOW to ride a bike!
Oh, I love this! Thank you! I have been hearing about you (and the subway adventure) since you first wrote about it. And I just listened to you on CBC Radio… I love that you are doing this! (I live in the Toronto suburbs).
I have a 4 year old son who I let try new things, and I will continue to let him grow and expand his boundaries. I don’t see anything wrong with a 9 year old riding the subway alone! I think it’s very responsible parenting.
And I love that you cite the fact that putting your kid in a car is million times more dangerous!
Another good point is that kids are at a far greater risk of being hurt (phyically, sexually, emotionally) by those close to the family.
I think you are right on with this. When I was a kid, I had free range to ride my bike into town (2 miles). I can’t remember exactly how old I was when I started it, but it was a great experience and liberating freedom. Now that I have 2 sons of my own, I want to give them the opportunities to grow and experience things on their own as well. Obviously they have to be ready for it, but I love that you have created this site and given this dialog the publicity it needs. Keep up the good work!
I agree with you 100%. I only think it is somewhat sad that we actually need to have a term ‘Free Range Kids’ to signify what child hood should naturally be. One of the hardest things we found when raising our kids (well when they were younger – they are 14 and 17 now) was that we were practically the only parents around who were willing to give our kids the freedom they should have. So even though we lived right across the street from a great park, when a friend of my daughters would come over at age nine, her mother would insist that they not be allowed to play alone in the park – someone had to supervise them, other wise the friend couldn’t come over. Or, practically no one walked or biked to school, they were all driven, so if you go with the safety in numbers argument, all of a sudden any walkers were less safe. People don’t want to hear that the murder rate is lower than it has been in 40 years; that ‘stranger’ abductions are incredibly rare; that in reality 99% of people are good and will go out of there way to help you and won’t automatically take advantage of someone. Keep up your good work.
As a full-time mom of 2 boys (aged 2 and 5), I don’t enjoy having them “out of my hair”. I rather like having them around. My 5 year old is a great conversationalist, and their presence validates what I’m doing with my life right now.
But, I’ve learned to put aside my own need to feel needed and let them spend some time being independent. I let them play in the yard by themselves. (The little one is only two and not quite ready for the subway).
My biggest fear is not that they’ll fall off the jungle gym or get mauled by coyotes, but rather that some other mom will find me out.
My mom had a corny needlepoint pillow that said, “There are two gifts we must give our children. One is roots, the other is wings.”
If all these mothers insist on clippings their children’s wings, must they really force it on other’s children as well?
I think you’re a wonderful parent, keep it up! 🙂
I think what you are saying is fantastic. I was a free range kid, along with almost everyone in my neighborhood. The kids that weren’t allowed out without adult supervision were isolated and alone and then became odd. They lacked the social skills and the ability to create judgements on their own. I do believe parents should teach their kids about dangers, but I totally agree that they need to go out and explore the world on their own. So parents are saying that locking their kids in the house and wrapping them with bubble wrap is a safer alternative? If you want some freak of kid with no social skills and no ability to be independent, then sure, go ahead. I get so tired of hearing about parents who are overly protective. What you did was great. Keep up the good work!
I agree with this blog. The fear mongering is getting out of hand. The other day my husband dropped my 5 year old off at school, and because he let him cross on his own to the front sidewalk in the parking lot literally 10 feet away, while watching, some lady came up and yelled at him and said that my husband had to walk with him all the way to the door. It’s not even school policy! She just thought that he wasn’t doing what everyone else does, so he was wrong! And our son is independent, he doesn’t need us to hold his hand all the way to the door! What about the kids on the bus? No one walks them to the door!
Jeez – It sounds like a lot of people don’t ride the subway very much. If anyone tried to mess with a small child alone, on the subway trains I have ridden on, especially in NYC, my conservative guess is that between 80 and 90% of his fellow passengers would not put up with it. Who do people think rides these trains anyway? Most are going to or from work or shopping – hardly the seedy underbelly of our society – but rather the backbone of our country.
When I was a kid I rode my red Huffy 10 speed bike everywhere. I was gone for the entire day, only coming home to get something to eat. I have 4 boys, and they are definitely free range kids. I don’t want my kids being raised based on fear. My kids go out and about with confidence. They are safe, but not afraid. Too many kids these days are afraid to even cross the street. It’s sad to me.
Also, kids these days are lazy. If you want to get somewhere walk or ride your bike. Don’t expect me to drive you!! That’s part of being a kid! Get out there, get dirty, make mistakes, wipe out on your bike, and explore!!!!! Have fun!! Be a kid!! I am so glad I found this website. 🙂
I am not a parent, rather a 21 year old college student. My parents were always involved in all aspects of my life throughout childhood. However, they also allowed me plenty of space to get around and experience the world on my own. I honestly believe that because of this, I have always been a little ahead of peers my age in terms of experience and maturity. I’ve gotten myself into trouble at times, yes, but I’m also about to start my third internship as a junior in college, and employers are continually impressed by my confidence in functioning on my own. The hands on/hands off approach that my parents used to raise me is something I will always be thankful for as I continue to grow and experience life.
I think one day Izzie will realize just how lucky he is to have a mom who cares for him as much as you.
Thank you, from a former free range kid. Now, the parent of a former free range kid, who is the parent of a free range kid.
The worst thing that ever happened to me was falling in with bad companions (British commandos on leave) and having to explain my behavior, to police, in a foreign language, 2000 miles from home. My two buddies and I ended up at a Mayan pyramid in the jungle, miles from the nearest trail (I have pics I cherish) with local police (bad companions?) as guides. Our (just met), older, traveling companions (coddled youth on their first adventure) spent some time in a local lock-up while their parents flew in from Florida to rescue them from danger.
I just recently found out how my son met his wife while hitchhiking in France. My daughter-in-law is beautiful, inside and out. She likes your blog and turned me on to it .
I do not even want to know what my grandson did in Las Vegas, alone, for his 22nd birthday.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
I absolutely agree with your ideas on letting your kids have a certain amount of freedom considering the responsibility that comes with that freedom. We can worry all we want, but it’s not ok to let our kids grow up in fear, causing them to miss out on tons of fun stuff we did when we were younger!!! If you’re doing your job as a parent, your kids know who not to talk to and what to avoid even when you’re not around to protect them.
I read your article in the May 15 issue of “the week”.
I am a mental health therapist and also a Sociology professor AND I agree with everything you said in the article.
Based on my many years of clinical field experience and years dealing with college freshman and sophomore students, I am of the opinion that via “helicopter parenting” culturally “we” are raising anti-social, anxiously neurotic, pop-culture brain-washed, drug-addicted kids who have NO idea how to even BEGIN thinking for themselves…what a future in deed!
What you are doing is good parenting…keep up the good work.
I think you are doing the right thing and together we can all change the world in small ways. Kids need more freedom and the accountability that goes with it. When I was a kid (I’m 41) we bounced around the car without a booster seat, we played outside from sun up until sundown with one rule, stay within ear shot of Mom yelling “dinner time!” We didn’t sanitize our hands every time we walked in the house and I was 34 years old before I ever heard of someone who could not eat peanuts. We are creating our own problems and putting our children into smaller and smaller boxes. Bottom line in the long run we make life less enjoyable for them.
I’m wondering, and I don’t have time to look through all the posts because I’m too busy watching my kids, but has anyone ever done or suggested a study of correlation between helicopter parents and the recent trends of sexting , tattoos and piercing among high school aged kids? Growing up I was given a lot of freedom (and accountability) and I had no urge to do anything extreme. I understood when we lost the baseball game that not everyone is entitled to win everything every time and when I got busted for drinking I understood that sometimes my parents gave me rules for reasons and I didn’t always make decision in my own best interests. When we take those learning moments away from our kids we raise a generation of self important whiners who don’t know why their life isn’t running in line with the latest wonder celebrity whose life is being canonized in the media
I don’t even know where to begin.
I was raised in a time with no bike helmets, seat belts did not yet exist, running around free range, not having to be home until “the street lights came on”. I don’t quite understand how, but all of my friends and I survived!
Last month, I took my 12 year old daughter to China. There were times when I (gasp!) let her stay in the lobby of the museum by herself when I excused myself to go to the rest room. We actually ate food from street vendors, some of which was only partially identifiable.
I have taken her camping in the woods where we have seen, but did not interfere with, bears, foxes, coyotes, moose, and other wild animals. She even got to drive my ATV alone, although she was not allowed to take it out of first gear or venture very far. She can start a fire with flint and steel and has learned the basics of outdoor survival skills.
This weekend, I am going to hand her my Colt .45, not for her to play with, but for her to learn how to be “gun safe” for the eventuality of when she might come across a fire arm when adults are not around. In an age where gun accidents are in the paper regularly, I believe it is irresponsible to not teach our children about the safe handling of firearms. We will then go the range for some practical application.
Does this make me a bad parent? Au contraire! I am raising a well rounded, intelligent, confident, and independent thinking young woman who will be experienced and respectful of the world around her, but not live in fear of it. She will KNOW that her father believes in her, trusts her, and cares enough to show her how the world really works. She is being taught how to examine issues critically and not rely on the sound bite, politically correct media to tell her what she should think and believe.
Lenore, preach on Sister!
I read your article in The Week. You eloquently addressed a trend that has been bothering me for some time. We are raising a generation of bubble children that are failing to develop the skills needed to deal with their own problems. Learning responsible, goal-oriented, self-directed behavior is vastly undervalued. As a society, we’ve forgotten that our job as parents is to make capable adults. Far to many parents seem smugly satisfied with the accomplishment that their child simply survived until eighteen.
Hi Lenore!
I think your message is great! Travelling in the third world you can see so many children under ten make a living selling things on the street. A 7-year-old can haggle and take a good price for his vegetables that he sells on the market. While I do not believe we should embrace child labor, it is healthy to be reminded of the fact that the extent of what a kid is able to do is dictated by the problems she is presented with.
I wrote a blog entry about your metro lesson:
Regards,
Hanba
Good on ya!
I have 5 kids myself and they are free range kids. But while my kids have the freedom to run around the neighborhood, they are nothing compared to that of my friends children.
John’s kids are farm raised. That means that his 10 year old can operate a backhoe, a tractor and other farm instruments. I should also mention that his 10 year old also drives a beat up F-150 all over the farm.
And those kids have such cool toys! 4-wheelers, a flatboat to fish with, horses to ride, and acres and acres to just get lost in.
And just to freak everyone here out, his teenage boys, aged 13 and 15, go hunting, by themselves with high-powered rifles. They kill and dress game by themselves.
I live in a small town, John lives about 10 miles outside of town, and we both pity the children of folks that live in the city.
I applaud you! My daughter is now 27 years and she was a “free range kid” back in 1986 at the age of 5 right when the “fear of living atmosphere” started penetrating our society.
Our daughter is an only child and both my husband and I grew up in large families. Wanting her to experience extended families meant a lot to us. However, we always lived far from our families due to our careers. Therefore, we realized that she would have to travel, often by herself, on planes to visit the grandparents. Her first trip was at the tender age of 5. Of course, we were all nervous at the thought of letting her go on her own, but we felt it was worth the experience and the opportunity of knowing her grandparents. She arrived safely, and was so successful and proud of her achievement that she continued to travel alone to visit through her high school years.
When she was 14, we sent her alone to study in Germany for one month, staying with an exchange family. Back in the mid-1990s, cell phones were non-existent and calling long distance was expensive. We spoke to her on her arrival and then once a week. The experience and life experience she obtained will follow her the rest of her life. Then when she decided to go to college, she chose to attend a university in Hawaii, far, far away from the mid-west. She was all of 17 years old. All of her high school friends and parents thought we were crazy to let her go “unsupervised” and in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. But again, the life experience and values of experiencing different cultures has proven invaluable.
Mind you, we did not send our daughter out unprepared for these challenges. We always encouraged her to be independant, to be aware of her surroundings and to not be afraid of fear to the point of preventing you from experiencing life to its’ fullest. Yes, it is natural and to be expected to be fearful, but for the right things. By not raising our children to experience life, by not teaching them what is right and wrong, and not providing them with the tools to make the smart choices so that they can be safely independant, is a slap to our society. It results in us raising a generation of children who are afraid of taking “educated” risks, to be afraid to talk to their neighbor, to the cashier at the grocery store, to be afraid of challenge, and deny them knowledge and confidnece that they can stand on their own two feet.
Our daughter, as I mentioned, is 27 years old and has travelled the world alone, is fluent in three languages, has compassion for those both within our own country and in others who do without because she is not afraid to experience it.
I truly believe our world would be a much more peaceful place if we taught our children to not be afraid of life. As parents, it is our duty and obligation to provide them with these life lessons so that they can take our world to a better place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”
You are completely right!
My parents had the wisdom to allow us to take risks, and we learned from our mistakes (and successes).
I tried to do the same with my 3 kids, it was hard at times but they have made it to adulthood without being shot by terrorists, kidnapped by paedophiles Etc. etc.
I’m not sure if the London tube network is statisticaly a more or less dangerous place than the NY subway. However, I am sure that the risk of crossing the road in traffic is similar – by far my greatest concern!
“For or against?” seems to be a leading question. It unnecessarily polarizes the issue, implying that there are only two options, when in fact there is a continuum. Moving one direction on the continuum the child is safer in the moment, but has less freedoms and less preparedness for independence. Moving the other direction on the continuum, the child experiences greater risks earlier in life, but has more freedom and is better prepared for adulthood.
As adults, we similarly define our own optimal trade-off between safety and quality of life. Do I sit in the safety of my home watching someone hang glide on TV or do I strap some wings on and jump of a cliff myself? Clearly, the extremes of this continuum lack appeal for most people. In fact, people who are extremely risk-aversive meet the diagnostic criteria for agoraphobia. Those who completely ignore risks meet the actuarial definition of “uninsurable”.
So where does the sweet spot on this continuum lie? How does one balance risk and reward? There is a significant body of work in Psychology dedicated to answering this question. Cutting through the psychobabble, it boils down to this. Humans are notoriously bad at assessing risk. For example, when a possible outcome is perceived to be particularly bad, it tends to be perceived as more likely, even if there is no rational basis for that belief. Additionally, we do this Jedi mind trick on ourselves in which we pay attention to evidence that confirms our beliefs and dismiss evidence to the contrary.
Now turn on the evening news and put these two human foibles to work. When we hear about a murder, the first foible kicks in and tells us, “murder is really scary and really bad, so it must be more likely to happen to me”. The second foible says, “see, I knew this was a dangerous city, this is exactly why I am right to stay indoors all the time”. Of course, it ignores the fact that the other 999,999 people in the city did not get murdered.
The truth is, most of us do not live according to the tradeoffs we are willing to make between risks and rewards because our risk assessments are so terribly poor. If we could overcome our limitations and judge risks objectively, you would see a lot more people redirecting their risk mitigation efforts to reducing the amount of time their children (or themselves) spend in cars.
So, other than loading up on statistics, how does one approach these issues? I think a useful question to ask is “what is the goal?” Is the goal for your child longevity or happiness? Of course, you will answer with a resounding “both!”. But what if you have to trade one against the other. Is it better to be extremely happy for 20 years or marginally happy for 90 years? That may seem like ridiculous question, but it leads to the subtle distinction between “being alive” and “living”. Also, would you make the same tradeoff for child as for yourself? If not, why not?
Before any of us can argue whether a particular spot on the continuum is objectively right or wrong, I think it behooves us to consider whether or not the parenting approach that each of us takes is actually consistent with the tradeoff that our respective belief systems dictate. I suspect many of us will discover that it is not, myself included.
When my dad was 13, during the summer, he and his friends would ride their bikes 1 mile down to the river bottom. they would bring with them fishing poles, bed roles and .22 rifles. They would spend the weekend fishing, shooting rabbits, and cooking and eating their prey. They’d ride home on Sunday afternoon. At 13 I would ride 2 miles to the same exact spot and fish with my friends but sleeping there over night would be out of the question. Today, between drunk illegal aliens and homeless pieces of crap I wouldn’t let my kid near their at sundown. I would however let him go fishing their in daylight, with friends. and as far as taking a subway. hell at 10 my mom LEFT me at a store because I wasn’t were she expected me to be. I must have been 5, maybe 4 miles from home and my mom just left me. I was there for over an hour before she came back and she asked me why I didn’t just walk home. That bitch was crazy. I mean at least give a kid some warning. lol. Oh how I love that crazy ass bitch.
FOR! You rock.
I have worked with “troubled teens” for years as an adolescent counselor. The majority of the my clients have been affluent kids. The biggest issues they had were:
1. emotional neglect (from their emotionally unavailable parents) and 2. overly involved parenting (helecopter parents)
As a result, their behaviors reflect a lot of acting out. Then, those same parents blame their kids without taking responsibility for the behaviors they helped create.
I also run rites of passage trips with teens. Since our culture coddles and disempowers kids so much, they have no real challenge to go through to become a man or woman.
Parents like you, empower their kids to find solutions to their questions. I think you are a great teacher. Just read your article in “the Week.” You are dead on. Thanks for having the courage to be yourself and let you kid be himself, despite all the judgments you are getting out there.
Jayson
Finally! I have talking about this for so long. Kids need to be able to explore and do things on their own and build a sense of self reliance. So many of today’s children haven’t got an inkling of how to take care of themselves. My children have moved around the country , traveled the world, put themselves through college, secured good jobs and generally negotiated life with confidence and strength. Some off their self reliance was forced, I was a single mother and spread very thin, but a lot of it was by design. I wanted them to be curious, corageous and not held back by fear. The trouble is that if you do decide to let them go against the “norm”, God forbid something happens. People love to crucify a parent when something happens to a child. I believe its a way of pretending that bad things can’t happen to their children.
You are one of the most responsible Mother’s out there. Keep it up! Too many of the last and current generation have kept their children too coddled. They have and will continue to grown up to be very irresponsible adults. No wonder so many people if we can believe the press think the Government should take care of them because they don’t know how to theirselves. What a disater we have created. If the Government takes over our lives no one will have the fredom so many of our forefathers and current service men have died for. Please encourage parents to give their children responsibility for their own lives.
Thankls
You are one of the most responsible Mother’s out there. Keep it up! Too many of the last and current generation have kept their children too coddled. They have and will continue to grown up to be very irresponsible adults. No wonder so many people if we can believe the press think the Government should take care of them because they don’t know how to theirselves. What a disater we have created. If the Government takes over our lives no one will have the fredom so many of our forefathers and current service men have died for. Please encourage parents to give their children responsibility for their own lives.
Thanks
I just read about you in ‘The Week’ and I have to say that you are dead on! I totally agree with you that the media is alarmist and fearmongering… Hence why I do not watch the stupid today show, or any of the other main stream media so called news! I am bringing up a little boy who not long ago turned one, but I hope I can instill in him the confidence and trust I was given as I child, I had limints and consequences for not abiding by them. But I have never been afraid of being by myself and have always been self reliant and most importantly not scared that every person that walks towards me is going to shot, injure or rape me.
You have to treat every child as the indiviuals that they are and I am convinced that not every 9 year old would be capable of what your son did, however giving trust, confidence, and the ability to survive is the fundamental task of parents, unfortunatly we are turning out a generation that will not be able to summon the resources they need to live in a world that doesnt’ shelter them from evey little thing that life throws at them.
Thankyou for starting this conversation.
For, most definitely!!!
And thanks for all your words about the fear-mongering going on everywhere, especially in our media. Doesn’t just apply to kids, either, as I’m sure you know.
Keep it up. I’m sharing your sites with friends who have kids.
It’s about time someone stood up and said “ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!!!” I have 4 boys, and if I let my boys outside and I am not there, I get accused of being “neglectful” and that I will be reported to the authorities. When did this society get so nuts? There isn’t any more “bad guys” now than there were 20-30 years ago, just more “news outlets” that have to be “filled”. We cannot and should not have to “bubble-wrap” our kids, nor is that how ANYONE should live their lives.
By the time I was in sixth grade I walked from my middle school to the public library every day, sometimes with a friend, and sometimes by myself in the early 1980s. It was over a mile to the public library across streets, but generally residential, until a couple blocks before the library. Sometimes we walked through the graveyard and scared ourselves silly because of the caretaker on the tractor who we believed was chasing us (in retrospect, he was probably trying to make sure that the meddling kids didn’t trample the gravesites). On my own, I would go to the Post Office and the office supply store (still have a big love for office supplies) and then go to the children’s section of the library. I enjoyed my free-range time – and I concur that it made me be more responsible – not less – as I got some wicked scoldings when I would forget to call my mom and tell her that I had stayed at my friends house instead of going to the library….
Good for you Lenore! Read your article and cheered to know that there are still some parents with common sense, who haven’t succumbed to the “parenting” hysteria, and aren’t afraid to use it! My daughter walked to the school bus stop (out of visual range of our front door) her three years of middle school. Rode her bike to the library (a mile and 1/2 away), crossing a busy street to do it and called me when she got there. She is 20yrs old now and is a confident but not reckless young adult whom I can trust when she goes out to call if she needs us but who otherwise is living her life!
I just read and LOVED your book! I am sharing it with two neighbors (one of whom shares my entusiasm for Free-Ranging it and one who slathers her daughter with sunscreen should she crawl towards an uncovered window!) I am also burning every other parenting book I own. Before reading this, I was always kind of the edgy parent anyway, letting my kids eat a sandwich after a romp in the sandbox without (gasp) a squirt of alcohol goo. (I see it as sort of vaccinations. And my kids NEVER get sick as opposed to the wipey weilding moms’ kids I see.) But I always worried about silly things like letting my daughter (10) walk to the bus stop (2 houses away) by herself, not because I worried about her, but about what people would think of me! Now I not only let her walk there, but I allow her 4 yr old brother to accompany her and see her off, then scamper back home alone. A whole two houses. And if anyone does mention my wild and crazy (negligent?) parenting style, I’m going to smack them on the side of the head with your book!
Last summer, my 9 year old and I went to Vancouver. Half a block away from our rental was a Starbucks that we visited most mornings for a coffee for me and a chocolate croissant for him. Our last morning, as I was packing, I was needing a coffee and said to J, what do you think about going to Starbucks for coffee and a croissant? I meant the both of us, but he said “By myself?!” and his face lit up like a Christmas tree. So I said, “Yeah, by yourself.” I did have a moment of “Oh my God, I am sending my child out alone in a foreign country!” but I figured indulging my own anxiety at the cost of his development was the wrong decision. I sent him off with money and he brought me back a coffee (just the way I like it, too! He said he figured out how much cream to put in by watching other people.) I am not up to putting him on the subway alone, but it’s pretty well established that for kids, mastery builds self-esteem. The message we send them by not letting them do anything themselves is that they can’t do anything themselves. Whatever ways I can find for him to do things on his own, I like to take.
After much thought, and having read most of the posts on here, I had to make another comment. For those who say that this tactic of parenting is “lazy” or we’re unloading our job of parenting onto other parents, all I can assume is that you have absolutely no idea what the entire basis of this style is. The basis is NOT, as it seems the naysayers all assume, thrust your child into the street and hope for the best. The basis is to equip your child for independence, allow them to demonstrate it, and let go of the control you only think you have.
There is a whole chapter in the book about control and how parents only believe erroneously that they have it. For those posters who smugly say that if our children are kidnapped while out enjoying childhood and freedom, “we’ll feel bad”. Yes, that’s true. But when your 2 yr old swallows a penny and chokes to death, you would feel bad too, because despite your best efforts, your curious toddler found an object you simply had no idea was there.
In fact, I once went on an ambulance call in which a car had jumped the curb because a woman hit the gas instead of the brake. She hit a 3 yr old child walking on the sidewalk behind his mother, and they were holding hands. Many of you would say “Well, the mother should have been carrying her child!” And what? Send the message that a 3 yr old can’t be trusted to walk on his own? Behind his mother? Even holding her hand?
My point is that, again, the basis is to teach your children THEN release them. And that you can’t always prevent every tragedy from happening. You can do everything in your power, feed them organics, carefully moniter every morsel they consume, and they may still get sick.
Let go of the control you don’t really have anyway.
Honestly, I think we’re just a few shorts steps away from parents who feel the need to remind their children to breathe. But then again, I’m sure some marketing company will come up with some moniter that will attach to your offspring that measures each breath and heartbeat. Adjustable of course so that we have peace of mind from infancy through high school.
Steph, can your son bring me a coffee? Great story.
It’s about time someone wrote this book!!! I live in the country. My 14 yr’ old is my final child an she attends the school in the nearest town. It has app. 1200 people. Small town. After school and on weekends she just loves to go into town and walk around with her friends. ( In the Fall, it’s dark and they run around toilet papering poor unsuspecting folks). My sister in law’s daughter is 1 month younger than mine. They are best friends. She is no way allowed to go with my child….”Someone WILL take her.” Her daughter is convinced of this. This is her mothers paranoia effecting her. She’s also afraid of germs, cancer, food poisening, dying…basically livivg. She tries to make me feel bad because I do not feel the way she does. Man, at 9 & 11 me and my sister lived in a relatively big town and we would take off on our bikes in the morning and return when it started to get dark…no cell phone!!!!!
My sister now is so overprotective and weenie that her 12 yr. old son does not go to school. Hasn’t since 2nd grade. First she said it was because his next teacher was going to be mean….then she said he would get a bad education (catholic school)…now she says it’s because kids will make fun of him. She has sheltered him so bad that he has no idea how to act with kids his age.I worry for his future, and I’m am not allowed to say a thing.If you never expose them to the perils of the world how do they learn to deal with them correctly and effectively?
Good job again with this book, it made me think.
Thank you! I’ve been free range raising my two daughters all these years and never knew there was term to describe my philosophy other than the negative ones pinned on me by my family.
My now teenage daughters are smart – not just academically, but street smart which is often a more valuable asset. They are confident and know themselves. They don’t do what they don’t want to do, and they also don’t abide a “follow the crowd” mentality in their choice of friends. More importantly, however, they talk to me about what’s going on in their lives and that’s extremely comforting. As a parent, who could ask for more?
Thank you for spreading this common sense message.
Yes, you took a gamble and won. Kids need freedom. My son begs me to give him more freedom everyday. I think we are warping our children by keeping them in bubbles. The subway is safer than the street. People are everywhere. Good people are everywhere. Live! Stop turning a blind eye to everything and step up to the plate. Only we, the public can make the world a safer place. You trusted your child. You know your child best. If you thought he was mature enough and capable of making it home safely, you did the right thing. A bubble is not the answer. Live people live! We do and we are still alive. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Good, bad, or indifferent.
Well, I agree with what you say. John Holt espoused the same views (more or less) roughly 40+ years ago. His dealt with schooling (unschooling to be specific) but the same general principal is there. Rock on with your bad self lady! Sing it!
Hello all,
I am 16 years old now and I grew up in Marquette Michigan, a small college and minning town in about the middle of nowhere. Since kidnergarden my parents let me walk to school, bike to my friends houses, and go on adventures into the wilderness. Every public place we went as a family around the country I ended up detached from my family (I tend to wander where ever I please). My parents raised me to be independant, and to be able to judge what is safe, unsafe, and right or wrong to do. My parents always got nasty remarks from my friends parents who believed in sheltering there kids from anything bad that could possible happen. Now those friends are rebels and when there parents tell them to do something or not to do something they do the opposite. Since 4th grade my best friend hasnt been allowed to stay over at my house or do things with my family and I because my parents are “irrisponsible, and raising their children the wrong way, and they didnt want their kids to be influenced by the bad habits of my parents”. My brother played hockey for the under 17 and 18 nation team for the USA his last 2 years of high school and is now on a full ride scholarship playing division 1 hockey for Nothern Michigan Univercity. I myself applied for a scholarship at the Culver Academies on my own in 8th grade, and am on a full ride which includes summer study abroad trips throughout my high school carreer.
My brother and I both know that without our parents allowing us to try new things and venture out into the world that we wouldnt be where we are today. I applaude all parents who allow their children to be indipendent. Im not saying that you need to let them do what ever they want, my parents dont allow me to. But understand that if you give your children respect, and trust them and give them fair limitations, they will have more respect for you and appriciate all that you have done for them and be willing to listen and do what you say. My parents are my hero’s in life. If i dream it, they believe in me, and allow me to take risks, make decisions, and learn from the failures and mistakes i made along the way. I have scared my mom and dad to death on numerous occations, but that didnt stop them from allowing me to become familure with the world. Because when i am living on my own and off to college i will know how to react to events, pressure, and how get from point A to point B without calling my parents. The bond i have with my parents is like no other family bond i have seen with any of my friends and their parents. I know i can say anything that is going on in my life to my parents and i wont have to fear getting in trouble for addmitting my faults.
Everyday i say goodbye to my parents on phone, or as i leave the house i always say “I Love You” and there has never been a time where i didnt say if from the bottom of my heart. Believe in this system of raising your children, if your doing it, your doing the right thing, and if your not, I urge you to start. You dont have to plung in and give your children all the indipendance other parents are, but you have to start small and work your way up so that the lessons they learn in the neihborhood, will help them get through the city, and those lessons will help them travel the world. I have lived under this belief, and i hope you will parent under this belief!!!
BELIEVE in them, TRUST in them, and SUPPORT them!!!
Joel
I am a mother of 2, both boys ages 9 and 11. I have began to venture out and allow my boys to be free range. They ride their bikes to school, friends houses, soccer practice, or the park. I have never seen them more happy than what they are now. They realize that I trust them and they are learning to be self supporting men. They make yearly trips to see their father which require them to fly. I have always been a very over protective mother (ask anyone) and the 1st time they flew unaccompanied (or so they thought) … the fear in their little eyes. In truth I could not let them fly alone and actually flew with them but sat in a different part of the plane so they had no idea I was there. And guess what … they arrive safe and sound and were safely in the care of dad. Needless to say I saw the looks that people gave when they saw young boys flying with no parent. Non the less they now are truely flying on their own, and I know they can. Children need to have freedom or they will have no idea how to live as an adult. So more power to any parent who gives freedom to their children.
OMG!! I’m thrilled to have found your website. I’ve been feeling like I’m a community of one with a super-independent, pretty mature 8-yr-old who I allow to walk home from school alone, got to the store alone and be home alone for at least a couple of hours.
I haven’t read all your material yet, but I will.
My manager used to call me the “wild, anything goes, let the children run amok mom” with respect to raising my daughter. She graduated from college, and has been self-sufficient ever since while my manager’s children (ages ranging from 28 to 40) STILL call him for money and help with electric bills! My daughter wouldn’t THINK of asking me for money now that she’s an adult!
Kudos to you. I have been seeing references to you for a while, and just read your piece in the May 15 issue of The Week. I live on a quiet dead end street in a nice suburban Long Island town. The moms on my block all have to meet their children at the school bus stop. This despite the fact that no one needs to cross a main street and no child would walk any further than one house alone!
I even know some parents who cot up food for their 11 and 12 year old children, so they won’t choke on dangerous sized food.
It seems like everyone wants zero chance of anything bad happening, which is impossible.
One of the things that shocked me in moving from Wiscons to Connecticut was how the bus will stop only 50 FEET from one drive to another! What the hell? can’t these kids WALK 25-50 feet to their neighbors’ driveway? And what also shocked me was that school is called off on the East Coast BEFORE the snow even starts to fly! In Wisconsin, we used to have to have 3-6″ BEFORE the buses would come to pick us up to take us home for a “Snow Day.” WE ARE CREATING AN ENTIRE NATION OF WHIMPS!!
I am a 44 year old man (born and raised in NY and still here…) and after reading many comments here, I just want to add a few of my own.
My mother did not allow me to go out alone at elementary school age, without her watching me. Never hovered, just watched from afar. The general theme here seems to be that anyone who watches their children at all is a “helicopter parent” and is “bubble wrapping” their child. Like one of the previous posters said, CAN’T WE FIND A MIDDLE GROUND HERE? There are plenty of parents who by no means helicopter parents, but are not choosing this extreme other method of parenting.
Many of you have said that the children who have parents that watch them and don’t let them roam unseen at 6 years old (or whatever ages were mentioned in those posts) – you have said that those children will grow up sheltered & unprepared.
I somehow grew up to be a perfectly capable and independent man, despite my mothers need to see where I was. My brothers and I have never considered my mothers behavior “coddling”. just felt cared for. and at the time of our mother’s death, despite the fact that the youngest of us was only 13 (oldest 20), every one of us knew how to cook, take the subway & anywhere we needed to go, and fend for ourselves. completely self sufficient, despite having a parent who chose to watch us. We turned out fine. I cannot however, say the same thing about the latch-key children who lived in the building next to us my entire life. “Free-range”. Their parents would have fit right in with this mentality. One of their children turned out wonderfully, one of them is a convicted felon, and the other is not a bad person, just a an irresponsible, jobless 35 year old.
There are many different views on this, I know. But my point is, is that:
– not all people who care to see where their children are, are “helicopter parents”.
– there are plenty of children who grew up with parents who actually watched them, who do not grow up into dependent, sheltered, naive young adults, unprepared to survive
– there are plenty of examples of “free range kids” who grow up to be incapable or dependent.
You people seem to feel judged by society. Stop judging the parents who have chosen to watch their kids. I’m happily raising my childen in that “middle ground” area, and am confident they’ll turn out as independent as my brothers and I did. I
certain that I am not alone in this. Perhaps just alone in deciding to post it here in this forum.
I would be HAPPY to stop judging “helicopter” parents as soon as they BUTT OUT and stop juding those of us who are NOT helicopter parents! Trust me–I have been called everything from “irresponsible,” to “criminal” for doing nothing except allowing my child (when she was young) to have some freedom. My daughter was a so-called latch key child. She is not only successful now, but well adjusted, a mother of 3, and RESPONSIBLE. No thanks to the creep across the hall who callled the cops every 5 minutes for inane reasons, thereby riling up our QUITE LIFE. YOU people who are so freakin’ worried about every hair on the kid’s head are the ones judging. Live and let live…but leave us the hell alone. We are NOT doing anything WRONG in allowing our children some freedom!!!!!!!!
I run a course with 12 years olds called Project Earth. The whole premise, aside from environmental awareness, is to roam. Right now we’re trail riding. After some weeks of city dirt, we’re off to the foothills for a multiple night trip.
When we’re not camping in winter shelters (called quinzees), hiking into the alpine, working with horses, snowshoeing or X skiing, the kids are planning for the trips, cooking for themselves and cleaning up.
Anything otherwise is just the domestication of our species.
… one day as a lion.
[…] 25, 2009 in Uncategorized | Tags: kids I believe that sending a 9 year old onto the subway alone is not only a very stupid thing to do but … Kids can build a sense of independence and self reliance without these kind of knee jerk […]
As the oldest daughter of two highly paranoid parents, I am so thrilled to find a parent that has started a movement based on everything I’ve tried to tell my parents, and other adults that I’m close to. I’m seventeen years old, and I’m going to be 18 in July.
Throughout all of my life, my parents have tried to hide me from “all the world’s evils” in order to protect me from anything bad happening. While I do see that this has always been with good intentions (my well-being), it’s completely unnecessary. I’m almost 18 years old, and I’m still not allowed to have other friends drive me places or going to a friend’s house without my parents first talking to their parents.
Also, up until recently, I had a parental controls program on my personal laptop. My father installed it because, of course, my parents believe that the Internet is unsafe. Both of my parents know that I use social networking websites, and have spoken to people online that I don’t know in real life. It terrifies them, because so many people believe the idea that everyone you talk to online is secretly a fat, old man waiting to lure you into his van. However, that really is not the case. When you’re talking to someone online, it’s really easy to tell what their intentions are, and who they really are. Yes, I’ve encountered the creepers that everyone is afraid of….but there’s always a “block” button. Parents should talk to their kids and teach them how to recognize and handle undesirable situations, not try to keep them locked up in a glass box.
How wonderful to finally have a name for my parenting style (besides “lax”, “permissive”, “irresponsible” and “negligent”, all of which I’ve been called, LOL)! My 16-yo daughter has always been a free range kid, starting at 5 or 6 when she walked to her friends’ houses up the street, with an expanding “territory” as she grew older. In the summer, she roamed the neighborhood with her friends (we seem to be a free range neighborhood, LOL, most of her friends are FR kids, too), the only stipulations being that she stayed in her territory, checked in every 3 hours, and let me know if she was going into someone’s house where she couldn’t hear me holler her up if necessary.
Today, she’s a good student, plays trombone in the marching band, holds down a part-time job and walks to most of her activities and friends’ houses within a 5 mile area. She’s highly independant, self-confident and street-savvy. She knows there are dangers, but she also knows how to recognize them and avoid them.
You can’t just turn them loose, though – you need to make kids aware of the dangers, and discuss how they could handle different situations, and set age-appropriate boundaries to their “rangeable territory”. (This not only applies to outdoor ranging, but to such things as internet ranging, too.) If you give your kids freedom within reasonable boundaries, they’ll enjoy the freedom while respecting the boundaries.
I think as parents, one of our biggest jobs is to teach our kids the skills they need to make intelligent, informed choices and to deal with other people….and then give them the chance to use those skills without second guessing them. If you are constantly jumping in to “make things right” for your child every time they have a disagreement or personality clash with someone or have to face the unpleasant consequences of a bad choice, you are doing your child a grave disservice….what is your child going to do when they’re 25, with a problematic boss or coworker – and you’re not there to “help”!
I give you kudos for speaking up, my mom points out how when her and her siblings were growing up, they rode in my grandma’s station wagon with NO SEATBELTS, no carseats (she said they were even allowed to stand up on the seats) while my grandma smoked a cigarette with them all in the car! I’m not condoning this, it is pretty dangerous. But my mom and her siblings are alive to tell the stories. It just shows how we baby ourselves in society today. True, bad things happen. It’s inevitable. People can do anything they want to prevent it and protect themselves, but if it’s fate that they are going to have something bad happen, NOTHING they do can stop it. I also personally think we have so many illnesses today than there were “back in the day” because were so medicated and vaccinated, our bodies aren’t going to know how to fight off anything by itself anymore.
I have a 7 year old daughter, and while I do not agree with EVERYTHING you speak of, I give her some independence. I think it’s important, that way we don’t grow up with a bunch of (for lack of a better term) sissys. It’s good to teach children “free-range” practices, it teaches them how to survive and this is ultimately the survival of the fittest.
…”She even points to crime statistics from the Justice Department that show that the number of children abducted by strangers has been going down over the years.
Gee, I wonder why that is?
I would argue that this is because parents are being more careful about exposing their kids to unnecessary risks. It’s not because there are fewer child predators. It’s because parents have heard the story of Adam Walsh. It’s because parents are being smarter.
Parents not named Lenore Skenazy.
Hopefully for her next column, she drops in at the local AIDS hospice and has unprotected sex with some of the patients. She can then take an AIDS test and if the results comes back negative, she can write another column. She can say that people who think unprotected sex with numerous AIDS patients is dangerous are wimps.”
saw this at:
http://bentcorner.com/2008/04/lenore-skenazy-is-an-awful-mother/
MeAhna, I’ve suspected for years that we have so many autoimmune diseases today because we’ve overmedicated ourselves. Sure, back in the day, fewer middle class moms worked, so when Johnny or Suzi were sick, Mom stayed home to nurse them. Now Mom has to get out the door in the morning, so she doses Johnny or Suzi’s fever with some fever-reducer, and off everyone goes. Mom also doesn’t have time to wait for that throat culture result to come back or for a physician to examine Johnny’s earache: She want’s antibiotics NOW, just like we want everything to get better NOW. This isn’t a rant against working moms — I am one — it’s about letting our kids’ immune systems work on their own (free-range immune systems?) instead of pharmacizing them to death.
I am a Montessori teacher-in-training with a 7 month-old daughter who will be raised as free range as possible. One of the reasons that I was drawn to Montessori is that we teach the children to be as independent as possible (when the child is ready of course).
One Montessori idea for infants is to forgo the crib and give your child a floor bed (a fancy term for a mattress on the floor) from the very start. The idea is that as an infant, the child isn’t moving much initially, so there is no need for bars, and once they are moving, you want them to have the option of getting in and out of bed as they need to so that they don’t have to cry to be put there when tired or to cry to get out when awake. They can just get in and out and explore their own room (which presumably does not contain terribly dangerous things).
So far I have met only one parent who does not think me crazy, and tell me how risky this is. And yet, if you look at the crib manuals out there, you are told to protect your kid from bumping heads on bars, getting limbs caught in bars, falling or climbing over the bars, dying of suffocation when pressed up against the bumper you put there to protect them from the bars, etc…. To me it makes much more sense to get rid of the bars since that is where the danger seems to come from – that and having the child so far off the ground.
I can lay down with my child to read her a story, and if she rolls out of bed, she will fall maybe six inches onto a padded floor. And further more, she discovered the edge when she started to rotate, and when she notices that her limbs are dangling off the bed, she is smart enough not to keep rolling.
But it isn’t as profitable for the baby industry if you start with a single mattress on the floor – think of all the things they can’t sell you!
I am totally on the same page as you. I have three kids, 13, 11 and 8. Everyone always comments to me that my kids are so independent, self-sufficient, responsible and helpful. They see someone who needs help, and they step up. This is not an accident — when we raise kids by doing everything for them, by helping them do everything, we send them the message that they are not capable of doing it on their own. So they give up trying or taking initiative.
Here’s a “horrible” thing I have done since they started school. I DON’T sit down and do their homework with them every night. They know it is their homework, not mine. They also know that if they are stuck or need help, they can ask me. As a result, we do not have the homework nightmare in our house, where the parents dread all that homework. My kids take care of their business, and they actually get annoyed sometimes if I ask them about it.
So, here’s another thing we do: my kids go to a private school about 6 miles from home. There are no buses to school, and everyone drives their kids to and from school. Another mom and I noticed that a public bus goes right past the school. So, we checked it out. We rode the bus home with the kids. Since the kids are going the opposite way from commuter traffic, it is not crowded on the bus. So, my friend’s husband started riding with their daughter in the morning. Several teachers started to ride.
I take my girls (8 and 11) to the bus stop in the morning. They have their own bus passes. There are usually 3-8 other teachers and kids on the bus going to their school. The bus drivers know them. All the other people on the bus know them. On the other end, the crossing guard stops traffic for them to cross the street.
I would, without question, trust my 8 year old to take the bus to school on her own. She has been taking this bus for 2 years. When she and I took the train and bus home from DC last summer, she was the one explaining to me how it all works. She is very mature and responsible for her age, and has a take-charge personality. My kids have been coached on how to stay safe, to sit at the front of the bus, what to do if there is a problem.
My 13 year old son, who is very tall for his age, takes the later bus on his own all the time. He wants to be able to sleep in.
If this seems strange to you, think about this — do you know any 20-somethings that are still living at home, can’t seem to be happy with a job for more than a few months, don’t seem to have any direction or be able to take any responsibility? I know a few of these. These are the kids whose parent’s always took care of everything for them. They never had to practice taking responsibility for anything. Their parents never let them have life experiences, where they could practice taking risks, figuring things out, handling consequences. They finish college, and then are totally unprepared for life.
By over-protecting our kids, we are only making them overdependent on us, and we are keeping them from growing up. (This might feed our own egos, but it is not very helpful to the kids.) We are preventing them from learning life skills that will keep them from making bad decisions later in life. I would much rather have my kids learn from life experiences while they live with me, while I can monitor them and talk with them and help them learn, rather than protect them until they are 22, then throw them out into the world.
The authors of Parenting with Love and Logic talk about this — that if we don’t let our kids fail when they are young, if we are always rescuing them (or not even giving them the opportunity to fail), that they will never learn how to deal with consequences or mistakes. As they get older, the consequences get larger, and it gets even harder to let go.
If you can’t tell, I could go on and on. My advice to any parent is, step back and think about what you are trying to accomplish with your kids. What are you trying to teach them? How are they going to learn these lessons? Think ahead, and give them opportunities to take risks, to take responsibility, to fail in ways that are age-appropriate and where you know the risks are not too great. As they learn, continue to let go.
Parenting is about teaching your kids and preparing them for life so they can make good decisions and live a productive, happy life. We can’t always prevent bad things from happening. But we can give kids the skills that will help them deal with life’s challenges. We don’t give kids these skills by sheltering them from life.
What a rational and well thought out approach. You sound like good parents to me and I don’t think I could add anything to your arguments. It sounds like Izzy is already a responsible kid and will take responsibility for his life, unlike many of his peers who’s parents tried to live their kids’ lives themselves. Good luck.
My 12 year old son has Aspergers syndrome and I think we were a little overprotective when he was younger as he didn’t have normal responses to danger and couldn’t always work out strategies for a lot of situations. It took a bit longer to help him negotiate what to do if he got lost, got threatened or got hurt when we weren’t around but we spent a lot of time working through those things. Now, he can get a bus into town on his own, go to the library, skateboard and hang out in the park with his friends and has a key for the house in case no one is home if he chooses to come home earlier than he’d planned. We believe this level of freedom and independence is vital, not only for his happiness but for his long term well being. People are horrified that we give our autistic spectrum child this level of trust, freedom and autonomy but we see him grow in confidence all the time and know that our free range approach will enable him to become an independent, self determining adult. Seeing him skate off down the street laughing and chatting with his friends always makes me smile. We need to help our kids develop and embrace the world not be scared to death of everything.
I grew up as a free range kid in the relatively safe Australia, my 7 year old sister was abducted in 1968 while we were “free ranging” she has never been found. I was a lot more controlling of where my children went. It’s fine to trust your children will do the right thing but how can you trust others?? You can’t control what other people do. It is very sad that we do have to make sure our children are safe by watching where they go and with whom, but it is better than to have something bad happen to them. I do NOT agree with letting our children free range. The website included is about my sister Linda..
i have a 3 yr old son an was very laid back kind of mum an now i am dealing with the fact that my 12 yr old brother-in-law RAPED my son i agree with wat ur saying to an extent an let them learn responsabiltys but not too much an dont trust that someone wont hurt your child because as a mother i haven’t protected my son the way a mother should have
Having had 5 children and letting them be free range does not help with how my daughter is bringing up her two sons ages 8 and 6. The oldest using the computer downloaded a game -parents permission needed so he sent the reply to my daughters email account (yep he knew her password) then went into it a clicked on okay then went back and finished downloading it – the youngest saw the gate open and went and rode his bike up the street (yes helmet on) this is a dead end road in a small estate of about 20 houses .
Parents response:
1/ Got in car and apprehended bike escapee and bike put under lock and key for 3 weeks
2/ Son allowed to continue playing computer game next day.
Tell me which one is more scary and I hope her credit card details are not easy to find. Just because the computer is in the house does not make it safer.
tarryn: I suspect that if you look at it rationally, you’ll find that nothing you could have reasonably done would have prevented what happened to your son. By reasonably I mean first, that it doesn’t require you to be able to predict the future (the fact that you wouldn’t have made a certain decision if you knew things that you had no possible way of knowing at the time in no way makes it a bad decision) and second, that it wouldn’t have had effects that were far more damaging than being raped (e.g. “protecting” him so much that he becomes an agoraphobic recluse who will live in your house, never going out, until you die and then have to live in an institution).
Our present society is encouraging parents to develop delusions of absolute control, and such delusions are always damaging because no person on this planet could ever live up to them. The only reason that most kids never have Truly Awful Things happen to them is that Truly Awful Things are a lot rarer than we think. It’s not because of anything special their parents did, and the converse is that, except in the case of genuinely abusive parents, when Truly Awful Things happen to kids it’s not the result of any kind of failure on the part of the parents.
By the way, contrary to popular belief, there is no, nada, zip evidence of any sort that your son is now at risk for becoming a sexual abuser himself. If a therapist tells you that he is, ask her if she’ll provide the therapy for free since it’s so critical for the safety of others. If she won’t, she’s trying to scaresell you into spending tens of thousands of dollars for years of therapy of very questionable benefit and possible harm (since it consists of repeatedly mentally re-experiencing the rape). And try not, a decade or so down the road, to interpret the normal aspects of puberty as indicating something dreadful. They don’t.
I realize this is all easier said than done, but try to focus your anger where it belongs (on your BIL) rather than where it doesn’t (on you).
Tarryn, my heart breaks for you and your child. You are living “the worse case scenerio” ,which I’d like to stress, no “free range parents” wants. That’s not what this whole “movement” is all about. We are all as protective as you are and are as horrified by anyone taking advantage of our children as anyone else would be and also trying to watch out for those situations. But, as I see it, at this point in your child’s life, you have an opportunity (when you and your son are ready) to take this awful experience to use as a guideline for the future about people that make us feel uncomfortable and why we should be leery of them. But most are good and as hard as it may seem for you now, we have to remember that. Hold your baby close for a bit. You are his mother and naturally feel overly-protective. But dont let that situation win! He is young! And as a caring mother I’m sure you can still raise him to be a strong, independent, confident man, not a victim!
Jess, an amazing concept – no crib! As amazing as no diapers, which I just found out about last week! My youngest is 12, but you can be sure I’ll suggest this to others. Makes so much sense.
I’m watching the Dr Phil show that’s on tv right now in the Netherlands and I think your son is great and very wise. I was raised by a concerned ‘hovering’ mom and dad. They had their own reasons, but it had an impact on me. Even now (22 years old) I have trouble making decisions.. I moved out to my own apartment a year ago, but my mom still wants to control a lot. She’s getting better at letting me do things my way though 🙂
I don’t know how life is in New York, I’m a big overwhelmed by the size of it etc, but if your son is used to it then I guess it’s no problem. I think the subway is to unsafe to take alone, but overall I think the concept is great and ‘fresh’.
If I ever have kids then I’ll read into the ‘free range parenting’ idea and I’ll mix it with my own ideas of good parenting.
Good luck with this site and I wish you the best with your life and your son. Stick to your own believes and spread the word 🙂
I am all for it. why? because it makes sense to prepare a kid to fend for itself. If you don’t you will cripple them (and perhaps for life).
I have two teenage daughters that are independent and very, very mature and balanced. How did I pull that off? According to all my friends, regardless of age, gender or upbringing: by teaching them to always trust their instinct, to take small steps in getting more and more independent, and sometimes simply by pushing into the next phase, when I felt that they were too hesitant to learn new independence. Truth be told, I also taught my kids to NOT depend on the teacher as the teacher might not be as well-travelled or balanced as they are. The fact that someone is an adult does not automatically means that this persons knows more about this situation than you do.
Go for it, and give children their lives back. They are entitled to it, it is theirs!
I just saw the Dr.Phil show with the item about letting an 11 year old boy travel all allone by subway and bus around the biggest city on earth. Now these days that is absolutely not done and just too dangerous.
You say that other (strange) people will look after your kid if they see something happening to him that´s not normal.
This is rather naïve because the exact opposite is true: most of the poeple nowadays do not care one bit about other strangers or kids on the street. For example: if someone gets beaten up, most people walk around the fight to avoid evry contact. Helping is not a thing to do these days, because you can easy get stabbed or shot to death if you react. Especcially in your country there’s a higher risk, because almost everybody carries a gun, and criminals can easy buy even bigger guns on almost every streetcorner.
So letting your child travel alone at that age in your kind of violent country is just totally irresponsible and you are asking for trouble this way.
I agree with you and I think you can’t start early enough. For example by letting your toddler experiment with climbing and jumping, also allowing them to fall and thereby learn. My experience is that if you let kids experiment in this way (as opposed to continuously hovering over them shouting warnings), they become very good as well as very safe.
Lately I was in the playpark with my kids. I was busy with the baby and not watching, when I heard the perfectly calm voice of my older daugther (then not yet three): Mom, can you help me for a moment? I looked up and I saw her dangling from a bar 8 ft up in the air, unable to get back to the ladder she had climbed up. This didn’t alarm her in the least: She knew she needed help, she knew where to get it and she asked for it. No need for fear, neither on her nor on my side.
I am convinced that to make kids safe, the best thing is to teach them to rely in their abilities. If you keep watching over them, they won’t learn for themselves. And then there will always be the one unwatched moment, and that will be when they’ll really hurt themselves badly, not having learned how to take care of themselves.
Even more important: Surrounding kids with a constant atmosphere of fear, with the general idea that the world is a dangerous place, is a very bad basis for a healthy development.
I’m hesitant to respond because I have not yet read the book. I just listened to the Manic Mommies podcast and you’ve grabbed my attention to say the least. I don’t think the ideas are outrageous at all, but common sense.
I’m a huge fan of the books “Baby Wise” which anyone who agrees would love. The principle is teaching self reliance from birth. Many see this as too young but both of my kids are very happy so I disagree.
On the other hand I was raised the complete opposite. The No Doubt, “I’m just a girl” song was my theme song growing up. My parents would allow my brother more freedoms than I because it wasn’t “safe” or “acceptable” for girls to be allowed certain freedoms like walking home from school or being out late at night. Their constrictions somehow did not deter my soul though. Despite them (and maybe in spite of them) I became very independent.
I am quite the opposite to my kids and starting from birth have allowed from small things like playing in a play pin alone to playing in a room alone. They are 6 months and 3 years.
Something like going to a store alone is not only about us and knowing our society is safe but also being able to trust your child to behave. Which starts from a VERY young age and good parenting.
I believe the goal of parenting is to create a person better than yourself and I have to say Lenore you are on the right path!
My goal is to raise independent, responsible children. This does mean doing whatever I can to teach them the skills they need to venture out on their own – and to create an environment where they can do it.
For me, part of that is getting our neighbors with kids to know each other, to form a community – so that the adults know where each child on the street belongs, and that the kids can safely venture out to the next 10 houses in each direction when the are 5 years old.
I think letting kids take on challenges like riding the subway – with proper skill training and backups – can instill a lot of confidence. When I was in 7th grade in Germany, my parents put me on a train to Paris, where I was supposed to meet some friends of my parents who lived 30 miles outside of Paris. I arrived at the train station, not speaking any French, to find no-one there to meet me. No cell phones back in the 80’s, either. I found a way to to the lost-and-found, and my host family found me 2 hours later (turns out there was a massive strike, and they couldn’t make it through all the traffic jams.) I sure was scared – but boy did I feel proud afterwards. I did ride the train alone again next year – and this experience helped me have the confidence to become an exchange student in the US and ultimately live here.
I am hoping I will be able to let my daughter walk to preschool when she is 5 – it’s about a 10 minute neighborhood walk, and only one busy street (which she doesn’t need to cross.) That’s what we did when I grew up – I walked 20 minutes, crossing 2 busy streets to go to Kindergarten.
This is not a ‘free pass’ to stop raising your own children. This bit of freedom is not to be confused with a ‘cease in parenting’. Parenting, guiding and supervising our kids should never end. Let’s not be so eager to throw them to the wolves.
Letting our own children be responsible for their own behaviour is one thing and is responsible parenting. Letting them run ramp-id and letting the neighbours raise them for you is another.
I speak from experience. We have a few kids in our neighbourhood that have been ‘free-range kids’ for the past 8 yrs. Our neighbourhood isn’t happy with these parents.
When did it become OUR responsibility to raise not only our own kids but theirs as well? We watch over their safety, we feed them, we correct them, we doctor them and even drive them home from school when sick and to soccer practices when their own parents can’t be found. Because, we don’t think that those kids should suffer for their parents incompetence.
Or when they injure other kids with their ‘free spirited’ attitudes and damage other peoples property because they don’t care. Or, don’t have the sense to care. (And, they know that their parents will be right over with a cheque or some foul words for you in about a day or so.)
So, independence for our children and confidence in themselves is wonderful. But, letting them be ‘free-range’ in this day and age is absurd. Times have changed. Society has changed. Ask yourself, “who’s raising my kids?”. Is it the trusty sitter conveniently located next door, a grandparent or a teenager who only charges $5/hr after school. Who’s morals do you think their getting? Is it that important to” keep up with the Jones'” than it is spend those early, impressionable, moulding years with your own kids? Some people say, “If you can’t afford to have them, don’t!” There is some sense to that.
Just remember, no matter how smart you think YOUR kid is….the predator/criminal is always smarter. You see, we don’t think like criminals because most of us aren’t! But, if you listen to an interview with a pedophile you will have a very rude awakening. They think of every possible scenario. They know what they want and they’re going to get it no matter what the cost. They have nothing to lose and are purely looking for instant gratification.
Look at the recent child abduction case in Woodstock, Ontario, Canada. A little 8 year old girl walked away from school one day with an 18 yr woman as she lead her into an awaiting vehicle with her 25 yr old boyfriend in it. She’s dead. God bless that little child. I bet she wanted her mom and dad at that moment. She was ‘walked’, in broad daylight, right past other adults and kids that knew that this was not her parent or babysitter. Hmmm
They say that “it takes a village to raise a child” But, not if the elders in the village can’t be bothered, or think it’s not their business or are too self-serving to even notice where their own children are never mind other people’s kids.
So, feel free to let your kids be ‘free-range kids’ but don’t forget to continue to PARENT them.
Oh, by the way, a pedophile was released from jail on May 27th and May 28th he was found in a park near my home (in an affluent neighbourhood) sitting on a bench, watching about 8 kids (of all ages) play.
I’m sure ALL of the parents of those kids taught their kids what to do if approached, etc. But, oddly enough, it wasn’t a kid that called 911. If not for the parents of the toddlers that were there and noticed his suspicious behaviour, God only knows what would have happened.
This is our reality not paranoia. I don’t know what world some of you live in. But, I for one, don’t want my kid to be the next ‘Amber Alert’ or “community-kid” (They created that ‘Nationwide Alert’ because the Gov’t felt there was a need for it….then again, what does the gov’t know?)
Jess, I don’t agree with your ‘mattress on the floor’ theory. Good that your open to new ideas but you really should look further into this being just a marketing tactic to buy a crib or a bed. Maybe, it is better for the posture of your child to have a ‘proper’ bed and pillow (when old enough) for proper spine alignment. Have you slept on the floor lately?
Also, educate yourself in all aspects of an issue before you dive in head first or recommend it to others. Some things sound good on paper but in reality, not so smart. ‘Knowledge is power’
Also, it’s probably not such a good idea to teach a child (that early in life) that his/her world has ‘no boundaries’. I’ve saw first-hand what happened to my twin 2yr old ‘free-range’ nieces’ bedroom after nap time. The girls were sleeping slouched or sitting up with toys all over them and all over the room. Dresser drawers were open and everything pulled out. It was a disaster. Not to mention dangerous. And, who was going to clean that room up after every ‘nap time’. One woke up with a dent in her forehead but her mom didn’t have any idea where it came from or how it happened….guess she confused that cry of pain with her voicing her ‘free-range’ spirit.
To each his own. Good luck.
John R…you do NOT stand alone! I’m right beside you in your thinking!
Claudia, due to your abrasive disposition…I hope your kid is happier than you are. There’s a fine line between freedom and neglect. Maybe, your neighbour across the hall knew something more about your kid than you did as he was home long enough to be concerned to call the police. Who knows. I know a lot more about what my neighbours’ kids do then their own parents know about their behaviour. I just so happen to be home raising my kid. Not, that I’m watching the others…they come to me! I’m taking a happy medium to parenting, not to be paranoid or over-protective. I hope. XD (No offense, I’m sure you did what you thought was best…that’s all we can do)
Michelle, leaving an 8 yr old ‘alone for a couple of hours’ is illegal in this country because they are not yet mature enough at that age, The legal age is 12 yrs old and that is only permitted for up to ONE hour. That’s the law!
Balzacbee, You used terms like “I run a course…”, “we hike…” and “the kids clean up and cook for themselves…” That is called SUPERVISING (and responsibility for the teens). Good for you!!! We need more adults like you in the world. ‘Roaming’ is just something else you do (as a group in an organized environment). It used to just be called ‘hiking’ when I was allowed to venture out with a group of friends in my early teens. Kudo’s to you!!!
Fini:
…talk about ABRASIVE! Wow…how very self-righteous of you, honey! There was no reason for the neighbor’s call to the police other than he was the neighborhood busy body who had nothing to do but sit in the window watching everyone all day. He called the cops on everyone…and I do mean everyone. It was the only time in my life I felt that I was being stalked–and he threatened to disable my car, also showing up one day at my front door with FAKE court documents. So you see, not knowing anything about a situation and criticizing someone gets you a little embarrassed on the flip side now, doesn’t it? Because the man was a certifiable nut job.
Yes, I am VERY happy and my daughter is VERY happy, thank you very much for being concerned. I have friends who have done NOTHING but praise how my daughter turned out, and asked what I did to make her that way! So MYOB. You remind me of why I began posting here to begin with.
As for my daughter’s being allowed to explore her environment (with age-appropriate timing and parental supervision, why necessary), let’s just say that it prepared her for a possible VERY bad outcome. She was totally aware of her surroundings one day when she was 23. She had parked at night in a restaurant parking lot, and when she came back out, noticed a van with the side door open right next to her driver’s door. Instead of freaking out or (worse) going to the car anyway, she asked an employee inside the restaurant to walk her to her car. The van door suddenly closed as they approached and the driver of that van couldn’t get away fast enough. I made sure she had NO fear inside of her…just awareness and the ability to not be afraid to ask for help.
No. As I stated previously, the children come to me as they know that I am home and dependable (when one broke her collarbone trying to walk along the TOP of the swingset bar. a good 20ft off of the ground, at our public park) I guess her mom wasn’t around to see her do it so, she felt that she could. I don’t know. She was 12. Her sister got a fishing hook stuck in her ear lobe. Again, they came to me.
By the way, I’m not being abrasive (or nasty). Just calmly stating a fact that most ‘unavailable’ parents haven’t got a clue what ‘really’ happens or how their kids ‘really’ act when their parents aren’t around. Ask your neighbours what they think of your free-ranging kids. You may be surprised.
I’m no stranger to your life or your child’s life. I was the last of six kids with a single mom.. Been there, done that.. I praise my mother for her strength and fortitude. I surely, couldn’t have done what she did. But, if you would have asked me then if I was my choice of lifestyle. Surely, I would have said ‘No’.
For your nosey neighbour, shame on him if it was done out of malice. Who knows what his motives were.
I’m not on this forum to argue with others. Not my intend. Sorry to have offended you. But, much too often when there are differences of opinions, this typically happens. I’m not going to agree with this ‘free-range’ parenting and you aren’t going to agree with me. I’m simply giving my opinion whether it be thought of as ‘righteous’ or not. It’s my opinion and I’m entitled to it as you are (and everyone else on this forum). How come you are not commenting on anyone else’s opinion…because they agree with you, maybe?
I’m trying not to be narrow-minded, maybe came off as self-righteous….sorry.
Finally, another woman who GETS it. Constant hovering does not create self-sufficient, independent citizens who are ready, willing, and able to take their place in adult society once they are of age. It creates weak, incompetent, insecure semi-children who are self-entitled and lazy, and who are lucky to finally grow up enough to live like adults by the time they’re 30.
It must be a living hell, to have to justify one’s pathetic and meaningless existence by living as most women do. Imagine, destroying everything worthwhile in those around you so that they “need” you more and make you feel important! How sad. How pitiful. And what an outrage! How these women sleep at night, I’ll never know. I think I’d blow my brains out before I allowed myself to behave that way. Dragging yourself to hell is bad enough, do you have to drag your family along for the ride?
Fini, I don’t know that the criminal will always be smarter than the victim. I recall reading about a 10-year-old girl being chased by two men; she dove under a barbed wire fence straight into a pile of cow manure. She had been advised (if ever in this situation) to “make it too much trouble for your pursuers to catch you”, and she did.
Fini, re sleeping on the floor: I’ve actually heard it as a cure for back pain. Here in Israel until recently most kids slept on foam rubber mattresses on metal frames — no box springs. And I’m not aware that the population here suffers inordinately from back problems. I’ve always been amused by how over-the-top beds are in the US, especially for kids. Also, when we tried moving my oldest from a crib to a bed, she insisted on sleeping on the bare, uncarpeted floor. Weird, but she eventually moved to a bed. We never figured out what her deal was, but she’s 18 and intact.
I too am outraged by doofus-y, thoughtless parenting and having to pick up the slack for other parents. But this is not to be confused with Free Range. The latter is thoughtful and deliberate, i.e., preparing your child for various possibilities, some of them bad, yes, so as to avert a bad outcome. I’m sorry about the dead eight-year-old in Ontario, but regardless, we can’t control everything. Life is a chance we take, and overprotecting our kids isn’t going to bring that poor girl back.
Dear Yam Erez, It’s a pleasure to chat with you. I cannot sleep on the floor or a floor mattress. I already go to the Chiropractor (for 15 yrs) due to being a Gymnast. LOL I agree with what you say in the later part of your blog. I feel that it is a very fine line between freedom and neglect. Over protection isn’t the answer. Preparation and confidence is!
Unfortunately, I see more neglect disguised as freedom in my own community. I’m very active in our school system. I see a lot of bad situations (and I live in a middle-class neighbourhood in the suburbs. No one is financially suffering.) None the less, people will manipulate and take advantage of the prospect of ‘free-range’ kids. Like anything else in society.
I am not ready to let my (only) child too far out of my sight without educating her and preparing her for the world before her until she is mature enough. I want to mould my child into an independent, happy, productive member of our society. Not to control her or limit her. And if we lose her to something as simple as not wanting to bother to supervise her. I could not live with myself.
She is our responsibility until the day we die. And, I’m not going to be that eager to push her out of the nest. In a few years she will be leaving the province to attend University. By that time, she will be fully prepared. I am assured of that as we are preparing her.
As stated earlier, I was free-range and felt neglected. I knew my mom loved me. But, when your a kid, you don’t think like a rational adult. I didn’t understand. In my own home today, it’s the local ‘community centre’. All of the kids come to my house. For anything & everything. I get hugs from all of them. Boys or girls alike. They have told me on countless occasions “I wish my mom was like you” and I’ve had some of the kids’ parents say the same thing. Or, even worse, “why are the kids always at your house” And, I guarantee you that they do not have ‘free-ran’ at my home. They are polite, they have rules and they are respectful or they can’t return. Even if they are arguing with my daughter, they still ask me if they can come over. I haven’t sent one away yet. Because they feel wanted here.
My 12 yr old told me that kids respect me for that because I expect something from them and they don’t want to disappoint me. They respect us as parents. But, the majority don’t communicate with their own parents. The kids have no patience or tolerance for their parents. This is the other side of the token.
We’ve taken kids with us to the Mexico, Dominican and Florida and a few of them have said that their parents wouldn’t even miss them. Some don’t even get acknowledged when they return after a week. Not even a hello or a hug! This is very sad.
Yes, bad things happen in this world but not to me or mine if I can help it. We don’t live in a bubble we are just aware and cautious. Not to be confused with paranoid. XD
I have to apologize. I talk to much about subjects that I am passionate about. And, I am definitely passionate when it come to our world’s children. I don’t want to put the focus on me. I want it on the children and then my parenting. Sorry all!
Obviously, I agree with Fini, and I know that’s not the popular opinion in this forum. I won’t even go into it again.
but I do just want to say that I find it seems to me that the free range parents are awfully quick to judge others, themselves. For people who feel unfairly judged, you all seem to categorize anyone who lives differently then you as hovering, enabling, buffoons.
It seems that anyone who simply cares to give a passing glance at where there children are, is labeled a helicopter parent.
Has it ever occured to anyone here that there are many, many parents, who keep watch on their children but do not hover? I am amazed that you have never been exposed to any of us. We’re everywhere. My children know how to do laundry, cook, fish, and countless other life skills. The example that Claudia gave about her daughter being smart in the restaurant parking lot, is terrific. My eldest boy did something similar in an potentially dangerous incident walking from the train with a group of young men trailing him. Long story short he knew how to get himself to safety. (My point is kudos to Claudia’s girl, but make no mistake that my children and many other children who have been “watched” in the early years of their lives, are very capable & street smart!)
There are the parents who helicopter and then on the other end of the spectrum, parents who aren’t actually with their children for the most part. But realize that their are a ton of parents who are in neither category. You assume that anyone who feels differently than you is a helicopter parent. What a narrow view of the world.
Touche! John. Well said!
Thank you, Lenore, for giving America a much-needed reality check. The fear that your child is going to be abducted is completely irrational yet powerful and needs to be fought with the facts. It’s like the fear of being in a plane crash. They are both far less likely than being struck by lightning, yet we don’t restrict our lives around the possibility that it might rain.
An honest to God true story.
When we free-range kids were riding our bikes in front of our houses….just me, age 9 and Donnie age 10, the grumpy old man across the street came hobbling out to the curb. He cursed at us, as usual as we rode by. Donnie cursed back.
The old man took the largest 2 strides I have ever seen and he was in the middle of the street in a heartbeat. His arms were like, 12 feet long! He grabbed Donnie right off of his bike and carried him about 40 ft back into his house. Like he was a feather. His hand smothered Donnie’s mouth and nose. Not a sound came out of either one of us thru the entire ordeal. We were dumbfounded and in shock!
I fell off of my bike when I hit the curb while trying to peddle for my life. I quickly turned my banana-seat bike around and headed the FOUR houses down to Donnie’s to get his dad. I ran into his house and told them that “Ol’ Pat had taken Donnie in his house”.
It all happened so quickly. I was scared to death. I’ll never forget the fear in Donnie’s eyes either. A mere 3 to 4 minutes had passed from the time of abduction to the time his dad broke in the screen door and found the old man on top of a bare naked Donnie on the floor. He had been violated. He was 10. I never went out of the yard after that unless one of my 5 older siblings were with me until I went to High School. Donnie never played with me again either.
Donnie ran away to Toronto from Niagara Falls when he was 16. Trying to find himself. He committed suicide at 26. What a waist of a life. He had such potential!
His parents were strong believers in free-range parenting with the older 15 yr old son and with 10 yr old Donnie. But, having a 2 yr old son, still in diapers….he was guarded to a fault. They dismantled and couldn’t even go to Donnie’s funeral as a family.
This is only the second time I’ve ever told this story in my 46 yrs. Wow! I’m surprised that I even let my kid out of the house! Even with this said, life goes on and I don’t want to live it scared to death nor do I want that for my daughter.
Judge all of us “Non-free-ranging” parents all you’d like but this is reality. And, don’t judge anyone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Avoidance or being in denial or turning a blind eye isn’t the answer either. You’re doing your children a huge injustice.
Ok, to all of the nay sayers out there, We don’t let our kids run wild like little heethans without any guidance or support or RULES!!!!!! That is the main focus of this movement. To TEACH our children how to be safe and responsible PEOPLE. There are consequences when they are out of line, they have safety guidelines that they are expected to follow. We don’t allow them to do WHATEVER they want. They get punished for doing things they know they aren’t supposed to do.
We do however let them tell us when they are ready for more responsibilities and freedoms. We do take into consideration their maturity level and how they have handled things in the past. We don’t throw them into the Big Scary World without the tools that they need. Unlike Helicopter Parents who do just that, send their “grown kids” out into the Big Scary World without one iota of confidence, street smarts, or independence.
Everyone keeps saying that there should be some kind of middle ground for parenting. This is the middle ground, We are the parents who are protecting our children by preparing our children.
We are not the parents who seriously neglect our children!!!!
It is obvious that this forum should be renamed to read:
“WE BELIEVE IN FREE-RANGE PARENTING AND EVERYONE ELSE IS PARANOID AND CONTROLLING”
The very first comment on this forum sums up this point of view in the very best way possible, “Dumbass”
John makes an excellent point as well, “You assume that anyone who feels differently than you is a helicopter parent. What a narrow view of the world.”
Balance ? says, “Wake up and realize that it doesn’t matter how street savvy your child is, when she crosses paths with the wrong person, all the smarts in the world are not going to protect that small, defenseless child.”
We may stand alone in this particular forum but that doesn’t mean that they are right. I feel it is a deviant and somewhat irresponsible parenting perspective here which is not the norm in society. Frankly, it’s not the world’s responsibility to raise your kids. So, step up to the plate and do your job!
Good luck with that!
Canada had first recorded an astounding 57,233 kids missing in 1987 and had 60,582 kids missing in 2007. One is too many for me!
Paranoid. Helicopter Parents….what ever….
If so, why are there 81 googled pages of “Missing kids in Canada”?
Why are there Government Agencies, National Amber Alerts and 10’s of thousands of grieving families in Canada today.
It must be our paranoia. We must be over-reacting. Or, we can all turn a blind eye and pretend that none of this ever happened :S
It does happen and happen way too often, 3 children from 1 family abducted in Australia and never been found (Beaumont children), my sister abducted at age 7 and never found, even 41 years later (Linda Stilwell). Yes trust your children but its a fact that pedophiles can manipulate even the most street smart children. It was proven here, kids even let then inside their homes. Cameras were on to show the parents how easy it is. Parents who thought they had taught their kids never to let anyone in or to open the door were shown how easily manipulated their children were. We were very smart free range kids and yet my sister was abducted. My kids grew up with me watching them and knowing what they were doing at all times, but in no way was I as has been termed here a “helicopter parent”. My children grew up knowing the dangers and are confident self reliant people who watch their own children carefully while still teaching them self confidence etc. People don’t notice a child being taken by an adult even if that child is screaming and fighting to get away, they just don’t “interfere” so don’t use that as an excuse as I have read some here do. Which would you rather, to lose your child by abduction and murder and to later say I should have listened to those people who warned me or to teach them the dangers and watching where they go and who they associate with but to know they are safe?
“The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” — Chicken Little
Face it! Bad things are going to happen, no matter what your parenting style. Perhaps that pedaphile had his eye on your 12-year-old daughter…who you just sent to the mailbox to get the mail (a simple task that we would normally trust to a 7-year-old…
Perhaps that trusted babysitter has more sinister motives, and YOU brought them in to take care of your kids for a few hours…
Perhaps that day care center is run by Satanists…
Perhaps you simply send your son into the restroom by himself. He’s 8, but you’re right outside…and like the unfortunate parents in California, you go in after 5 minutes to find out why he hasn’t come out and find him dying from a slashed throat because some sicko big kid decided to see what it was like to kill someone.
We who allow our children freedom at age appropriate times are AWARE that these things can and do happen ALL THE TIME. (In my own family, my brother, his wife and 5 children are God-fearing, church going, mission working people…nice people. The oldest son was finally found–at the age of 19–to have been molesting the other 4 children for YEARS. And, yes, they called the police and he went to jail.) In the end, you can hover all you want, but unless you teach children to be LOUD, SPEAK UP for themselves, know how to ask for help, and be a bit more self-sufficient when mommy & daddy aren’t there, they will not have the tools to do what they need to do.
There’s an intermediate ground here between helicopter parents and those who let their kids “run wild” to be watched by other parents (something I do NOT ascribe to at all). I think Lenore’s article was more about those that tend toward the extreme sides of the issue. She simply let her son ride the subway alone to instill a bit of confidence. Unlike the movies where gang members and killers lurk in the shadows on the hard benches of those underground trains, NORMAL people ride the subway. I don’t like the subway–I was raised in the country in Wisconsin. It smells sometimes, and lots of people means lots of diversity and sometimes, yes, lots of garbage. But the few times I’ve been on it, I wasn’t surprised that no one tried to mug me or that there wasn’t a shoot-out on it (LOL). Because they save most of those scenes for old Charles Bronson movies. And how about the subway in Washington D.C? BEAUTIFUL and CLEAN! Love it!
You really DON’T get it Claudia, let your children go on the subway and IF or WHEN something does happen to them then FEEL guilty because you ALLOWED it to happen, such a stupid stupid attitude you have. I have lived in the states and it’s way more dangerous than here (Australia) but bad things happen everywhere, i am NOT talking about keeping your children under lock and key, I am talking about keeping them SAFE. You can teach children a lot without them going on the subway alone or riding the 2 miles to school at 6 years old. Which BTW is what I was doing, I was looking after my brother and sister from a very young age. I think of my mother as very neglectful, she was working and let us roam free. We were allowed to go to the swimming pool alone from age 7 (me) and younger brother and sister 6 & 5, but then you would say that is allowing children to “free range” I call it neglect.
Karen, name calling always ruins one’s credibility and turns off those with whom you disagree. I grew up “free range” as can be. Two alcoholic parents…I know what neglect is. I do “get it.” I am not stupid. My FIVE degrees attest to that…degrees that, by the way, I got ON MY OWN with a GPA of more than 3.5 on every one of them. I ran away from home at the age of 17 and became successful ON MY OWN. I’ve faced VERY scary situations. What do I have to thank for that? The fact that I became self-sufficient at a very young age DESPITE MY CIRCUMSTANCES. No, not exactly the way I wanted it. I would have liked my parents to be a bit more doting…actually, fewer beatings and less booze would have helped too. The world is a tough place. Again, I’m not talking about kids running wild; I’m talking about allowing them more freedom than some irrational fears allow us to.
What name calling Claudia? I didn’t call you any “names” other than you really not knowing the seedier side of life. I too have degrees even though I was a ward of the state by the age of 12, a victim of a gang bang at the same age, less than 2 years after my 7 year old sister was abducted, her inquest will be in August this year, 41 years after she was taken, no remains no anything. I have 4 children and degrees mean s***t when it comes to parenting so I am rather bemused why that is brought into a debate on “free range parenting”? Irrational fears? I think not as mine are very rational, born from life experience. You were lucky, don’t expect your children to be so lucky. I hope they don’t suffer from your ignorance.
Karen, So sorry to hear about your sister. It must be horrible not knowing where she is all of these years. I sympathize. Karen I was free-range and felt neglected, too. And YOUR credibility isn’t the one that’s lost in this forum.
Claudia, Five ‘Degrees’ or not, you have a self-indulgent, and ignorant disposition. My husband has three Degrees and you’d never catch him being this rude and abrasive to anyone. You see, he has nothing to prove and no one to ‘squash’ to validate himself. You are disrespectful of anyone who has a different opinion than your own. It’s unfortunate that so many people are so narrow-minded on this particular forum. You ARE missing the point! Have you not an ounce of compassion for Karen or any other family feeling this pain?
One must walk a mile in another’s shoes before he can feel what they feel. I hope it never happens to you! Because, I’m certain that you would be the type to make the whole world pay for what happened to your kid/grandkid. (We prefer it be in a positive way like John Walsh…hmmm)
We can all tell horror stories. It’s how we deal with them and turn our lives around that is the test of character.
So, since I’d rather not enter into a battle of wits with unarmed people, have a nice life! Perhaps a professional can help.
Thank you Fini, I am glad someone see’s what I am trying to say here.
Claudia, if that’s all you got out of this conversation…you HAVE missed the point. And, our names are Fini & Karen (and many more above). A few parents that choose to voice our opinions to help enlighten others that are not so insightful. They are NOT JUST horror stories. This is OUR reality! Have YOU ever been that petrified??? Have you ever been ‘almost the one’ that the predator grabbed or raped??? No, YOU haven’t. So, maybe you need the professional help. Maybe a “It’s not all about me” course. Or, a “Humanitarian” course. Either, or, no matter.
Karen, I get it. You hit the nail right on the head and I’m sorry that some people can’t sympathize with your sorrowful situation. Unfortunately, many people that feel the way that we feel are too busy raising their kids than be on forums like this that deal with A FEW pig-headed and narrow-minded individuals that chose to turn a blind eye and lack compassion.
A happy medium is definitely the answer here. Not neglect or hovering. I think we can all agree with that!
I have no malice.
This is a forum titled “For or Against”.
Thus, I voiced my opinion (like you and the others voiced yours).
My comments are now not going through,hmm maybe they touch too many taboos with free range parents
Have I ever been that petrified? OMG. I wasn’t “almost the one,” I WAS the one….MANY times. Apparently you aren’t reading my stories either, hon. Just to elaborate:
* Raped twice (at 22 and 24);
* Runaway at 17;
* Alcoholic, abusive parents (beaten almost daily/verbally abused always–I was ALWAYS told I was useless, ugly and would never amount to anything, so forgive me if I seem oversensitive to criticism, but the truth of the matter is that it’s all like a piece of dust on my cheek; it doesn’t really matter to me);
* Pregnant at 18; single parent with no money for food; * Lost in the city of Bombay, India when I was 35 and beaten and robbed by muggers.
* Physically and verbally abused by husband/boyfriends because that’s what my daddy taught me was okay…that stopped at age 30 because enough is enough…
* Sexually abused by a male babysitter at the age of 7…need I go on?
* My own daughter was at her best friend’s house…with the parents present. I had called first to ensure they would be there (she was 8). The father TRIED TO KISS HER ON THE LIPS. She IMMEDIATELY called me to tell me, and I called the police. I never in a million years would have thought this man would do something like that. He’s lucky he still has all his “parts.” Point being: My daughter didn’t think it was her fault or try to hide it! I taught her to have a BIG mouth, tell anything that was wrong, and seek help. Nothing different (or neglectful) from what a hovering parent would do during a child’s “play date” at a friend’s house!
MY point is that these things may or may not happen. It’s how we learn to deal with them that matters. No matter how our parents hover or put us in a bubble; they can and may happen when we’re adults instead of children. We grow up…move on. We get on with life and stop blaming our parents. We do seek professional help to learn how to cope (including me) and there is nothing wrong with that. Because WE are the ones in charge now, not the abusers…not the muggers…not the scum of society. And I, for one, REFUSE to live in fear of everything and everyone. Did this make me tough? Absolutely. Do I have compassion? Absolutely. But I’m above whining & crying about it and putting the fear of God into my grandchildren versus showing them how to avoid the pitfalls. As parents, we are their guides, teachers, caretakers and soft place. What we are NOT are the coddling jellyfish I see in my neighborhood who have to drive their fat kid 30 feet down the driveway to catch the bus because it’s snowing and too cold outside.
As for guilt, when I was 9 I plugged in an electric worm finder at a friend’s house (she was also 9). She came out of the lake wet, grabbed it, and was electrocuted. Her father was the one who told me to plug it in. He was right there the entire time. Like I said, bad things can happen no matter how protective we are. I no longer feel guilty about that nor do I need sympathy. Perhaps the father should have taught both of us not to touch the metal part of it once it was plugged in. He was worried more that we would drown while swimming. But I don’t blame him…accidents happen, and all 3 of us (and her mother) paid that day for a stupid thing.
A happy medium IS the answer. I was never criticizing the medium or the supervisory parent, OR the parent who determines at what age freedom is given. I was criticizing those parents who can’t let their kid walk to the end of the driveway to catch the bus alone when they’re like 8 years old!
Claudia,
You’ve had a tough life. I agree. I sympathize, truly. Looks like most of it could have been prevented with proper supervision, some no….and definitely beyond a child’s control. I’m sorry for your childhood. It made you the person you are today. (With all due respect, smart but stubborn, sorry :S)
With that said, how in the Hell can you support Free-range parenting?????
You have a lot to share, to teach. How about educating others not criticizing them. You’ll catch more bees with honey than you will with vinegar. I wish you only happiness in your future! 🙂
Karen,
I see a couple of your new posts came thru. They still like you! lol
Getting back to the point with Lenore…..
As for sending a 9 yr old child on the NYC Subway system (just because I can and is probably against Child Welfare Guild lines and Laws) ….is ABSURD!!!
Seriously, I wouldn’t change my “free range” childhood for ANYTHING! It was when we were at home that it was dangerous! That said…
I think we may be misinterpreting the term “free range parenting.” It does NOT mean lack of supervision, concern and caring. It doesn’t mean allowing your children to “run wild” and putting the responsibility for them onto other parents! It means (and I’ve stated this before) giving adequate freedom dependent upon the child’s age, ability to accept responsibility, demeanor, honesty (not to lie to the parent–and they ALL lie, but some less than others), and realization of the parents’ rules. I was VERY lucky. My daughter was seemingly born pretty responsible, but was not without a bit of “angst.” I never had to push her to do her homework (probably because we did it together every night–my college work and her work). We were NEVER best friends. I was definitely the mother; she the child–and it’s still that way. Also, I was a “snooper.” I went through my daughter’s private things…I read the notes to and from her friends I searched for drugs, I read her diary. She KNEW I did this, but still did it! (Parents who declare that their children need privacy in these areas are naive. I saved my daughter from MANY mistakes in doing this, but instead of coming down on her, we discussed the bad behavior in the notes and why it would harm her, etc. I’ve always said she can have privacy when she’s 18 and has her own place). I never found cigarettes or drugs. I did find birth control pills when she was 16. There was a discussion…and after listening to her, I let her keep the pills. I was a teen mother and yes, that may be viewed as too liberal by some, but my daughter at least waited until she was 32 and married to get pregnant.
I supported her “free rangeing” when it came to things like going place alone AT THE RIGHT AGE. Getting her own car to go to work and school ONLY. The first time she took it out, I followed from a distance to see how she would drive alone. She ran 2 stop signs. I pulled her over like a cop would, talked to her like a cop would, and took the car away for a week and her allowance (her “fine”) for a month. After that, I never had to follow her again. Same went for curfew. I allowed lateness of up to 15 minutes. Any more than that, and the car was gone. Nothing like a teen with a car having to ride the bus again! She got it.
I think this is Lenore’s point: Her son was READY to ride the subway at that point in time. He had done it before with her. He knew how to do it. The difference? He did it by himself and thereby gained confidence. I have no problem with people being concerned. But really–it’s not their child and they don’t know if there is a lesson being taught. Do I think that Lenore would have pulled out all stops if he didn’t show up on time? You bet! (And it’s not against any law to let a 9-year-old ride the subway alone, BTW.)
I’ve always dealt with my child’s problems IMMEDIATELY. I never threatened without follow-through and never used time outs (a.k.a. “dead time” I’d rather make them clean their room, scrub a toilet or sweep the garage–age appropriately, of course). She usually got ONE warning. I was a bit more “creative” shall we say? For example, at the age of 15 she got into the habit of slamming the bedroom door in my face. So one day I decided enough was enough, and I REMOVED the bedroom door, told her she lost it for a week for slamming it in my face, and that next time it would be for a month. Take away a teen girl’s privacy, and watch them freak out. I never had to remove it for a month…
By the way, for people who say that bystanders ignore problems that are going on with children, let me tell you about what happened a few weeks ago…
I was at a large big box store when the man in front of me (with his wife & 2 children), suddenly slapped his son HARD in the back of the head. I NEVER have and do NOT believe in hitting children! So I waited until the man was a little ways away from his family, walked over and said, “You don’t know me, and no response is necessary. I just want to mention that my father used to hit us in the head like that, and we never forgot it. We left him to rot in an old folks home, where he died alone and forgotten. And if I ever see you hit a child again, your fate will be worse. Have a nice day.” You’d think this bully would have said something, but all he could do was stand there in shock (like the coward these types of men are). If someone is abusive, however, no discussion in the world is going to end that. I just wanted to give him something to think about.
It’s unfortunate that the streets are safer than our own homes some times.
It sounds like you have some good parenting skills and strategies! Love the way you handled the “child smacking dad” too! Kudos to you!
And, Lenore already emailed me to inform me that letting a child over 8 yrs of age is not illegal in NY. (I’m Canadian….I wasn’t sure but was suspecting of it). Thank you for that.
You certainly are worth listening to when your not being abrasive.lol Thank you for sharing!
Peace 🙂
WOW! If anyone in Mexico was already thinking like this!!! I live in a nice higher-middle-class circle and everyone is convinced their children are going to be abducted at any moment…
Their solution: a BMW X5 with a chauffeur. (As if a walking 10-year-old was not so much less of a lure to a kidnapper!)
In Mexico-City it sadly not true that crime-rate is down to pre-1970 levels. There is danger out there. But even with such a dire situation, in a city of 20 million the sheer probability that any kid in particular will be mugged, abducted, or killed in the street has changed only slightly (Might actually have doubled from 0.00001 to 0.00002…..ooooh).
What we are doing is raising children who are afraid of risk, not of danger. And who will never have a chance of reacting correctly if danger actually arises. We are denying them the possibility of learning to fend for themselves.
So by believing we prevent the infinitesimal probability of a tragedy, we are guaranteeing the certainty (probability = 1) of having disabled kids! What a deal!
Hope sanity comes South some time soon!!!
I am all for Free Range parenting. I also remember biking all over town, walking by myself, shod only in a bathing suit, through WOODS, to the local public pool, hanging out in the back of the local high school waiting for the ice cream truck.
Here is my problem: My daughter is not yet two and an early walker/explorer, and we live in an area of Los Angeles where reckless driving is epidemic. People regularly speed down our side street up to 50 miles an hour and blow through the stop sign at the corner. I’ve seen more run red lights at our closest intersection than I can count.
I can NEVER let my daughter out of my sight when we are out, because she will run down the sidewalk and try to cross the street. The only time I have every become ballistic mom is when she tries to walk into the street. Being the strong minded individual that she is, she tests me pretty much every single time. It’s exhausting.
My question is: how much longer do I have to be this vigilant before she gets some sense and learns to be wary of cars? It doesn’t help that so many drivers are yakking on the phone or blaring their stereos and are not paying attention.
NoHo, sounds like you’ll have to keep your strong-willed, exploratory daughter within your sight and arm’s reach for a long time, at least until she can comprehend the danger. For now, I would do two things:
1. Start the “street-crossing tape” running. While holding her hand, stand as if you’re about to cross and ask her, “Have we done our Car Check? Do we see any cars? Where? Are they moving?” As she matures, add in more complex questions: “Is that car moving, or parked? Is it coming toward us, or moving away from us? Can the driver see us? Is there time to cross safely?” Then you cross with her, safely. Then in a couple years, you cross with her not holding hands, then later, you watch her cross, etc. ’til she gets it right several times.
2. Meantime, sounds like you need to get LAPD’s attention if drivers on your street are doing 50 mph and running the stop sign on a regular basis. If they won’t step up to the plate, consider getting a few traffic cones and setting them up on your street. If the cops complain, tell them it was a last resort as the police haven’t acted to your satisfaction. Ditto for the city putting in speed bumps.
Keep us updated!
I just finished the book and found myself laughing out loud at some of the situations that freaked people out. I even read the part about the woman in Costco to my dad and he just shook his head. I grew up in an average-sized town in South Jersey. I walked across town to school as early as fourth grade – but always with a couple of friends. I came home from school and called my mom at work to tell her I was home. I did my homework and then went outside to “play” with my friends until the fire house siren blew (signaling it was 5:00). Then after dinner we played some more until the street lights came on. We ALL knew our neighbors and they watched out for us. I can remember my mom hearing about things I did before I got to tell her. We were ‘free range’ even though there was always someone watching. It’s so sad that we have grown away from this “raised by a village” mentality that prevents people from feeling that sense of security in our safer world. I admit that I have gotten caught by some of the helicopter parenting traps discussed in the book; but for the most part my husband and I are both doing our best to raise our children to be confident, competent individuals. We want them to take risks and learn from their mistakes. My daughter tends to say “i can’t do it” from time to time to which we respond, “don’t tell us you can’t do something, you can do anything but you have to try it and work at it.” Thank you Lenore for this book. I am free-range and proud.
I’m all for the idea of Free-Range Kids and Parenting, but I have a specific issue with my youngest, who has life-threatening allergies to nuts, seeds and eggs. I am not overreacting to blood tests here, as we’ve seen the reactions first hand, and they are very scary situations. This food allergy has forced me to redefine risk and, as that my son is still very small, I take on more responsibility for him than I normally would at his age. He is already been cursed by odds, as he has not just one horrible food allergy, but multiple horrible food allergies. I am most concerned about how I will allow him independence and freedom, while still keeping him safe from a bogeyman that lurks in almost every kids’ lunchbox. It goes against my nature to worry like I do, but, with him, I feel as if all my parenting instincts are ratcheted to high alert all the time. It’s no fun at times. But, for now, he is safe and happy. I would love it if you look into the risks involved in keeping a severely food allergic kid safe, and the wear and tear on parents in this situation. Check out the Parents of Food Allergic Kids (POFAK) website if you want to see what life is really like in the food allergic lane. Hold onto your hat, Lenore, it’s a bumpy ride.
On the non-food-allergic side, we do what we can to allow independence to rule. My older child walks home from school, and we try very hard to find ways to give both kids a sense of freedom and the chance to make their own decisions and learn from their outcomes. It’s a challenge in this Golden Child society, but I’m hoping it’s worth it in the end.
Peanutfree, I know a family like yours, where the parents and two of three kids are allergic — all to different foods. One son is so allergic the IDF wouldn’t draft him. I can’t imagine what life must be like. But — and I know this is tangential — doesn’t anyone wonder how we went in one generation from peanut butter being an American staple to kids being life-threateningly allergic to peanut products? When I was a kid the only food allergy I ever heard of was to cow’s milk, which makes sense, since it’s not made to be consumed by us humans anyway. Anyone know what’s going on and if any measures are being taken to restore life to normal?
Yam Erez,
I ask myself the same question almost daily. All I ate was PB growing up, and it’s a challenge to replace such an easy staple. The short answer is that they still don’t know why the rates of food allergic kids are on the rise, but the best answer they have so far is the hygiene hypothesis, which is that as a society we’ve cleaned up things too much–not enough exposure to germs and dirt and whatnot. I suppose that makes some sense, but it doesn’t fit my family’s specific story, since we aren’t germaphobes in the slightest and since my son had an older sibling bringing home whatever illness was traveling through the preschool at the time. They are doing loads of research and are trying desperately to find a cure or a preventative, but it’s a challenge. Still, I’m hopeful that they’ll figure out something within the next decade. Just in time for my son’s high school years!
I’m totally with you. I’ve already had to fight battles with my 21-month-old. Thanks to me, she’s eaten food off the floor, fallen off the play structure, flown off a slide, and wandered at the playground by herself in view. I cringe every time I see a mom or dad hovering over their kid at the playground, grabbing them every time they stumble. In a neurophysiology class I took, we even discussed how falling down and learning how to balance on your own as a toddler with make you less clumsy as an adult. It’s all about how we wire our brains. My kid falls a lot, has many bruises and at least one scratch at all times. But man is she good at running down hills and climbing up slides!
Interesting.
I can hardly even comment on Abby B’s blog. I am biting my tongue!!!
Please make sure that you don’t confuse hovering with concern and neglect with independence. :S
THANK YOU! I’m 3/4 of the way through the book and find myself looking for opportunities to nurture independence. Last night, I took my 2 daughters (10, 8) and a friend of theirs (11) for a bike ride and dinner. I watched the bikes at the path and asked them to go get dinner from the burger stand across the street. I miscalculated the money they needed and they ended up short. So they decided to purchase 2 less fries and only 2 drinks for us to share. They were beaming with pride when they returned. Then also had fun at my expense because they didnt’ have enought $. However, I pointed out that $25 should have been enough to get 4 burgers, drinks and fries. Note to self – open a burger stand on a bike path!
I dont have any children myself, but I’m totally for the idea of free range kids. There is too much hysteria revolving around child abductions and parents afriad to let their children ride a bike in case they fall off and…shock horror…graze their knee. Children need to be kept safe, but we also need to keep things in perspective and let children live a little, cuts and bruises are all part of growing up and learning.
FOR.
I raised my 3 kids to think about the consequences of their actions, to be careful about themselves into positions that may be harmful and to enjoy life. You call this free range I call it preparing them for a time when I will not be around to look after them.
You people who beleive in cotton wool kids better live forever, or you will go to your grave wondering how your kids will survive without you at the centre of their universe and more.
Cotton wool kids are not about the needs of the child, they are about the needs of the parent.
Hi, Scott. Similar experience here just yesterday. We were in the (overairconditioned, freezing) airport. My daughter, 12, noticed a drink vending machine, but I didn’t have change for the NIS 6 hot chocolate. I gave her a NIS 20 bill + one shekel in change and told her to ask for change for the NIS 20 from any store (there was a snack bar open), and then she would have exact change for the hot chocolate. I don’t know whether she was too bashful to ask for change or what, but she came back with a NIS 20 coffee slush. I didn’t get angry, I just said, “Hmmmm. Too bad. The NIS 6 hot chocolate would’ve warmed you up a lot better than NIS 20 cold slush that cost three times as much”. She got the hint. Oh well.
Ric: Your point ties in with the results of the Easter Seals survey I mentioned elsewhere on the blog a while back (and which Lenore promised to do a post about, hint hint). An awful lot of parents seem to have little confidence that their kids will ever grow up. Of course in this economy parents can legitimately worry about their kids’ economic futures (though you can only make predictions so far into the future), but this is worry about whether or not children will eventually be able to live as independent functioning adults (and we’re talking here about typically-developing kids, not developmentally disabled kids).
I think cotton-wool, helicopter parents, consciously or unconsciously, expect to maintain a great deal of control over their kids well past the age the kids have become adults. The problem is that parenting is, or at least is supposed to be, the sort of job that, when done well, eventually make itself unnceessary, and if you have too much of your identity invested in it that prospect becomes scary; what’s left when you’re done? (one constructive way of dealing with this might be to prepare to be foster parents or the like once one’s own kids are grown up). One’s kids growing up and no longer being dependent on you should be an accomplishment to celebrate, not a loss to grieve, but enmeshment blurs that distinction.
Heard you on CBC Canada, bought your book, have told countless others who will listen all about you. Thanks for all the solid information, great support and many laughs! My 12 & 9 year olds didn’t know they were Free Range kids, but I’m glad to now have a term for it. Thanks!
I definitely see this as a trend in the U.S. I’m sure it happens in other places, to some degree, but as an American family living overseas, I LOVE the freedom I can provide my kids here without worry that CPS is going to come knocking on my door. My oldest is only 4, so she’s still not allowed to do things like go somewhere far on her own, but I do love that we can go on a picnic or to the beach with friends, and I don’t see her until I call her name to pack up. She comes running up, and doesn’t have a bit of fear on her face.
I notice the difference when we visit the States, and our friends are much more into creating a controlled environment than we are. Everything from what to play, to where to play, organized playdates with assigned games and toys, to only playing outside with a parent watching like a hawk… I see a difference in our friends’ kids there and our fellow expats kids here. Our kids seem more confident, more okay with the world around them. They’re not naive; they know it’s not perfect. But they’re not scared of it, and they’re not scared if they don’t see us every .02 seconds.
I love it.
I wish I could let my eight-year-old walk three blocks to and from school, but he’s not ALLOWED to do so. The school requires that he is either on the bus or he is escorted by an adult. If he took the bus, he’s the last stop, so he would be on the bus for 45-55 minutes until it finally dropped him off.
And, this Massachusetts school district won’t let him off the bus unless there’s an adult waiting for him. It’s crazy making. So, I escort him to and from school because my schedule permits. it.
What if he (and other kids) walked to and from school? The school could reduce the number of gas-guzzling busses as a side benefit.
Good to see there are finally some sane parents out there. I’ve been saying this to my friends who are parents for years. Lighten up and let your kids have fun. I’m so glad I grew up in the early 70s…although I think my parents would be free range parents if we were born today.
When I was young there were kids outside all the time. Occasionally something bad would happen, I didn’t have many friends who didn’t knock out a tooth, give themself a concussion, or break a limb. All of my friends made it to adulthood except one; she was killed while riding in a car with her mother. Fat kids were a rarity then.
Thank you, Thank you!! I always feel like the town pariah when I try to give my kids independence. As a statistician I agree wholeheartedly about the magnification of the risk associated with letting children “go of on their own”. I hope that this idea will become more acceptable so that when our kids are 20 they will have the skills and desire to go out on their own.
I just read about you and your website in ‘The Week.’ I love the idea of Free Range Kids. Mine are teens and older now but I’ve always tried to teach them APPROPRIATE concern and caution. They seem to be rather well adjusted in that regard.
Oh, and I banned watching network news years ago! Total doom and gloom. *I* wouldn’t want to go out of my house alone if I listened to that every night!
Keep up the good work! We need more sensible people speaking out in this crazy world.
I LOVE THIS! There is a small group of frightened mothers (sorry ladies) at work who spend lunchtime talking about how unsafe the world has become. I got so frustrated I went back to my desk and found crime data from the past 20 years proving we were much more safe. They just couldn’t seem to hear it.
When I was a kid in England as young as 6 my mother would send me to the corner shop with a note and a few pounds and I’d come back with a basket of food for dinner. She’d be at home watching my younger sisters, who, by the way, she’d leave sleeping in their prams in the front yard on sunny days. She’d keep the window open to listen for their crying.
When each of my kids turned 12 we sent them to the UK alone. A direct flight of course, and supervised by the airline so absolutely safe. They felt so grown up and proud of themselves as a result. When asked what they did over the summer they would answer proudly, “Oh, I flew to Europe by myself. Yeah, no biggie.”
I live in a leafy suburb and in the summer the beautiful parks and playgrounds are empty. I’d love to see parents agree to take turns hanging out in the park while kids played together, self-organized, picked teams and learned all the skills you need to get along in life. Of course fear of getting sued is I’m sure as big a factor as fear of kids getting hurt.
Keep up the good work. You’re awesome.
Good on you Lenore, just listened to you on NPR.
Even thought my daughter was raised outside the US, I’ve long felt this generation of children was missing out on a very important component in the growing up process. My daughter and her similar young peers have been catching public transportation, trains and buses, since they were 6 or 7 years of aged. They are confident, they are savvy, and they are responsible. If you give young persons responsibility, you’ll be very surprised and pleased how they rise to the occasion.
All the best to you for getting the message out. I’m off to buy your book now!
I’m a pastor who works closely with youth. The idea that many parents are overprotective/controlling of their kids is a relatively new and disturbing phenomenon. You may know of this book but the book “Hurt” by Chap Clark provides a good lens to understanding what is going on in our culture. The main premise is that parents have abandoned youth in general. What must be made clear is that abandonment means that while it may not look like it on the surface, hyper protective parents are abandoning their kids because they are not actually teaching the kids how to become real adults. Instead, they are creating a generation of kids who can’t function on their own and are completely dependent on their parents. In addition, many parents are just fine with that because the parents are, themselves, developmentally stunted and their self worth is completely tied up in their childrens dependency on them as parents. Rather than actually taking care of their children, they are working out their own problems/hope/dreams through their kids. It’s also, by the way, why we see parents getting into fights with other parents at their 3rd graders tee-ball game.
Basically…..Preach it sister! Let us all remember how to teach kids to really be kids, both through instilling responsibility and freedom.
I just heard you speaking on VPR’s Here & Now. I’m not a parent yet, so I don’t usually think much about raising kids, free-range or otherwise, but I enjoyed the show. You might find Jane Jacob’s “The Death and Life of Great American Cities” interesting. It was written in the 1960s in reaction to, among other things suburbanization and the design of tenement projects. Although it is labelled as a book about urbanism, it deals a lot with safety, and how people use public spaces, streets, etc… An important part of Jacobs’ argument is about how traditional city streets in areas with a strong sense of community are far safer than suburbs or parks, because of what she calls “eyes on the street”, people who keep on eye on what’s going on on the street, and who feel responsible about what happens there. Jacobs was a journalist and writes very well, referring to many case studies and statistics.
Enjoy!
I just heard your interview on NPR’s “Here and Now” and am going to look into having my neighborhood book club read your book! I hope you get lots and lots of press and start in a big way a movement that counteracts all of the “missing child” fears that exist in our country today.
As the mom of a 21, 19 and 16 year old, I’ve always thought that the risk of parenting with the belief that your kids could be snatched from you at any moment was far more dangerous for parents and children than letting your kids loose a little bit. By parenting this way, you are holding yourself and your kids hostage to a fear which is statistically negligible. Aren’t you harming your kids more by instilling this fear in them of the “unknown” than you are of exposing them to any actual risk of abduction, etc?
We raised our kids in a safe, upper middle class suburb. We moved there because we wanted a place where the kids could run free after school, play with lightning bugs at dusk in the summer, walk to the swim club, etc. Isn’t that why most people who can move to such a place?
However, after moving there, I found that most parents were victims of “Missing child paranoia”. Parents would wait at bus stops with their 8th graders on a cul-de-sac street, parents would sit in their running SUVs on a beautiful spring day with their kids while they waited for the bus, afternoons perfect for kickball would find parents hurrying and scrambling to get their kids to supervised soccer practice…..
I’m happy to report that I let my kids walk to the swim club and wait for the bus by themselves. They never were kidnapped, abducted, threatened by a pervert, or hit by a car. But just as importantly, they weren’t raised in fear that these things would happen!
Just heard Lenore Skenazy on National Public Radio’s “Here and Now”. Mark Twain said that there are “lies, damned lies and statistics.” Have you considered that perhaps there are fewer predatory crimes against children per capita — for the moment, not having done my own checking, I will take Lenore’s word for it — because to counteract the rising tide of predatory behavior, we who consider ourselves to be sane, responsible parents take reasonable precautions to ensure the safety of our children? It sounds wonderful to have your free-spirited, devil-may-care attitude. Will you be so smug and pollyannish if your son becomes the next crime statistic due to your negligence?
Further, the very title of your blog (and book) is naive and dumb. As a city person who likely knows free-range chickens only from their appearance on restaurant menus, you are perhaps unaware that free-range livestock often end up in the belly of the fox. Heck, when we had chickens up here (in Vermont), some foxes still went after them through the cages.
I was raised in New York City during what seemed a safer, gentler time. Yet as a news reporter,I covered the sad story of Etan Patz, whose parents did not look as ebullient as you sound when I saw them on network TV a few nights ago — and it has been three decades since Etan’s disappearance in a scenario that sounds a lot like what you purposefully engineered in a department-store handbag department. Somehow I don’t think that John Walsh of “America’s Most Wanted” would have put his son Adam on the subway at the age of nine — or would recommend doing so. (Yes, Lenore, you will say that Walsh benefits from a fear-mongering climate to boost ratings of his show; will you go so cynically far as to say that he purposely sacrificed his son’s life to get on TV? I hope not.)
I am reminded of the scene in the movie, “Cape Fear,” in which the private investigator speak of how in ancient times, the way to stop a poacher or a predatory animal was to tie one goat to a stake and leave it alone in the open while the herdsman waited and watched for something to pounce on it. Put your child free on the range as bait, Lenore; we keep track of where ours are, what they are doing and with whom they are doing it.
Why weren’t you charged with a crime, such as reckless endangerment or endangering the welfare of a child?
Final question: how do you manage to breathe with your head so far up your posterior?
I raised both my son and daughter in the free range kids style and they are now competent unadults unafraid of the world. I can still remember so many of the firsts for them and they remember them too with a strong sense of pride and accomplishment. My daughter’s first alone walk to the little store three blocks away at six. Her trip to the pet store eight blocks away with a friend. Her bus rides to school alone at ten. And we live in San Francisco. (I did nearly have a car accident the first time she rode a bus alone straining to see into the bus and not watching for cars. My son going in alone to see a movie at seven because he didn’t want to go to the kiddie movie I was taking his sister too. His first plane trip alone at five, and on and on.
I think one of the most important things that is part of allowing kids to go places alone is that they know where you are and how to reach you. I never snuck out on them when they were infants and if I called the babysitter to say I was late I even talked to them when they were six months old on the phone after talking to the babysitter. Now in their late twenties they still call me if they are going to be somewhere they can’t be reached like when my daughter went on a retreat where they weren’t supposed to take calls.
The funny thing is that now that I am sixty I have to remind them that I am quite capable of taking care of myself, but my daughter still insists I call when I get home after driving the winding road from her home. And my son can’t resist giving me the transit instructions twice. But I don’t really mind because I see them living what I taught. If you share where you are going and when you plan on returning you have created an initial safety net.
I didn’t find the teen years difficult with my children because what they did and when they did it were all open to discussion. They didn’t have curfews or places they couldn’t go because they had a habit quite early of figuring that out on their own and discussing it. I didn’t forbid them from going to the beach bonfires so they each did it once and decided on their own that the cold wasn’t worth it, and since they weren’t lying about where they were going they knew I would come find them if they were later than they said they would be home.
And finally, I saw a show about child stealing when my daughter was twelve, so I tried to think up a scenario for her to comment on. I suggested a business suited man dropping a bouquet of flowers as he disembarked. She would pick them up and hand them to him and he would ask her to carry them to his house to help. She answered that if a business suited man was nice to her on the bus, she would automatically be suspicious because “those people” aren’t usually nice to kids. Sad commentary on the American attitude towards kids.
Rare events can take over your mind if they are emotionally charged. So a tradegy that happens 3000 miles away feels like it was right in your neighborhood.
The inability to think clearly about statistically rare events is a built in limitation of our brains.
The suggestion – to turn off cable TV – is a step in the right direction.
I think so much of what you have to say is WONDERFUL. I often feel like some of my extended family looks down their nose at our “free range” parenting style, but our son (6 y.o) is a sweet, responsible and mature child. On the other hand, I’d probably say our approach is more “semi-free range” due in large part to the fact that since we are working class (aka poor!) we don’t live in a great neighborhood.
Rather than dismiss this approach as something middle and upper class white folks get to do as a benefit of living in safe areas, I’m interested in opening a conversation up about how to find your own of “range” in all different contexts. I’d love to hear you address the class dimensions of your approach directly – because I think there is definitely something here for everyone.
I really don’t understand why this is even an issue. Maybe I’m too old. From the time my brother, my sister and I went to school, we walked there. From the time I got my first bike, my friends and I would play, ride bikes, even to neighboring towns, and although the standard fear-based rules about strangers existed (and were heeded) the most common rule we had was,”Be home by ___ o’clock, which was usually 5PM in spring and summer, earlier in fall and winter because of loss of daylight. I don’t know if my parents worried, but at least they didn’t worry excessively. But maybe there was a difference in how self-responsible and self-safe we were in the days of Lawn Darts, no bike helmets, and other “dangerous” toys. Although I do not have the statistics to prove it, I do not believe that for most neighborhoods in most towns and cities in America, life is not any more inherently dangerous thatn it was back in the fifties. Anyone ever hear of zip guns, gang fights with chains and knives, or for that matter, cherry bombs?
Deciding to have a child is in itself a dangerous act; and can be fatal to the child; why wimp out after they’re born?
I just listened to your interview on NPR. It was great! I have two children and they are both still quite young (two and four). I regularly encourage their independence by allowing them to make choices and complete tasks on their own. When they are older, I fully intend to allow them to play with friends without a “playdate” and play outside in the summer until the street lights come on as I did. I’m so glad that someone is standing up for raising strong, independent kids.
Just caught a bit of your interview on NPR today. Love the idea of Free Range kids and Free Range parents. I am not a parent, but I know how much I loved the freedom, responsibility and sense of awareness I gained as growing up as a kid born in 1963. More power to you!
I am sorry, but I do have to take slight offense to one comment during the interview. You mentioned parents leaving their kids at the bus stop to be watched by other parents at the bus stop, thinking it would be OK to leave them with another parent. The comment was that since someone was a parent, they would be less likely to harm/kill a kid – which implies that those without kids are somehow more likely to harm/kill a kid. As a person who is childless due to infertility issues and would have made an awesome parent, I have to take issue with this statement – childless couples already deal with enough stereotypes and unfair comments – please don’t make crazy assumptions that those without children would hurt a kid.
I applaud your efforts to raise responsible kids!
It depends entirely on one’s definition of “free-range.”
If you mean allowing a child to go from point A to point B, while you have a good idea where they are, why, and what he or she will be doing, great! I agree that every child does need to learn responsibility, and *to some degree* be allowed freedoms in line with the degree of responsibility and ability the child demonstrates he or she is capable of.
But if you mean, “I don’t know where my kid is or what he/she is doing, but that’s OK,” I absolutely disagree. For two reasons: First, as a parent, you are charged with protecting your child’s welfare. Clearly you’re not talking about willful abaondonment, but letting a child go whenever, wherever they wish isn’t responsible parenting. (Which I’m not sure you’re really advocating, either.)
My second, and more important objection: I’ll simply ask how many parents ever believe that their child could be the bully, the drug addict, or a gang member without having the parent’s nose rubbed in it by the criminal justice system? (And my experience is many parents will remain in denial even after that.) Such children *do* exist. Are you willing to accept the civil and criminal penalties that would attach to your free-ranged childrens’ behaviors, if/when they choose to *not* be resopnsible?
Maybe it’s because I’m not sure if I was a “free range kid” by your definition. I was certainly allowed by 3rd or 4th grade to ride my bike from the school to my home (calling a parent when arriving home) or my father’s business location. I was allowed to go to my friends’ houses or down to the pumphouse green to play lot baseball. By junior high I could be dropped off at the mall and be picked up in the late afternoon. I could go with friends down to the railroad tracks or down to the creek to fish. All of this by simply letting my parents know where I was going, giving an idea of what I’d be doing, and by returning at the time I was told.
But the one time I decided to take my bike and go roaming around town – without telling my parents I was going… My sister found me about three to four hours later, taking me home, and I was grounded for a month. And, in my judgment today, rightfully so. Because I proved at that time I was not responsible enough by *not* telling my parents.
I would agree that children do have to learn responsibility and should be given chances to explore the vast world around us. And I agree there is a lot of hysteria out there. But such things have to be done responsibly by the parent. While I think that’s what you’re advocating, that doesn’t mean every child should just be given privileges willy-nilly, and I fear this is how your message may be heard and read.
It doesn’t matter whether Skylab is unlikely to fall on your head if it happens to actually do so. People who are afraid to fly have no trouble driving hundreds of miles instead even though they are as likely to die driving as flying.
People’s fears would appear often to be more related to their sense of horror regarding a particular outcome as to the actual likelihood of that outcome. I don’t expect rational analysis to prevail when child welfare is a stake. I do, however draw the line at opprobrium directed at people who decide to weigh the risks rationally and behave accordingly. Just stop it. If you want to live in a perpetual state of fear, that’s your prerogative and in some cases it might be rational. But don’t expect, or attempt to force, the rest of us to do so.
In the early seventies, starting when I was about seven, my mom started giving me a special chore to do in the summer. In the afternoon before she took a nap, she would give me a couple of dollars and tell me to walk to the seven eleven and buy her a pack of merit ultra lights. I would beg her to let me spend the change on a slurpee. She would always say no, insisting that I didn’t need to be drinking such an unhealthy beverage. I though it was unfair that I was not compensated for this chore but my mom insisted I do it so that I could learn responsibility.
Anna, this is insane. You need to contact your School Board members and let them know you want this on the agenda at their next meeting. If you have the know-how, prepare a slide show (it can be as few as four slides) featuring:
1. A map of the school district with your house, the school, and bus routes clearly marked.
2. A bar graph showing how much fuel will be saved if the kids walk (estimate or make these up — who cares?)
3. Some juvenile obesity stats
4. Last slide: A school bus with black exhaust billowing out of it, and an obese kid or two ticking away like a time bomb.
If you can’t do the above, have material to hand out — anything — bulleted lists of stats you picked up off the Web, doesn’t matter. Bureaucrats eat this stuff up. Get cracking and let us know how it went!
Donna, I also don’t watch the news and certainly don’t let my kids. It boggles me to see the news on with all its blood, gore, and fear-mongering in so many homes. Unplug!
My issue is the parents that think they have free range kids, but they are actually just not parenting their kids. We have a family in my neighborhood (the kids live at the end of the street, gma & gpa live about 2 houses down from me) who allow the kid to roam free, but not to allow freedom for the child but because they don’t want to deal with him. He urinated in my back yard once before we had our fence up and they couldn’t understand why I was not happy with it. He punched another kid and they almost assaulted the parents whey they brought the boy home.
Free Range is one thing. Un-Parented is another.
For me, I would like to allow my 2 older ones more freedoms, but the 4 year old (who still thinks it’s ok to cross the street, with a car coming) will just walk out of the house when his older brother and sister are not around. He still has no concept of how to be safe on his own but he’s not fast enough to keep up with his older brother and sister. They end up suffering because of it. I know, we should have a better handle on the 4 yr old so that the other 2 can have more freedoms. That’s our bad
response to: “Congratulations on living in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in Manhattan. Of course your son was safe”
Of course you don’t let your kids run free around a dangerous n’hood! There is some common sense that needs to be exercised. But why are you raising your child in such a scary place? Don’t you dare say it’s b/c you have no choice! As a parent you should always do what’s best for your child NO MATTER what! Even if that means working harder so you can live in the burbs, leaving friends behind to live in a safer town, etc. I did it when I got knocked up at 19, so I know ANYONE can do it. Now we live in a safe little town where my 9 year old rides his bike a mile into town, on his own, to spend his allowance (which he earns) on (gasp) ice cream and toys. BTW- another nine year old rides his Dad’s mower over to our house and mows our lawn once a week for $10. I can go on and on about the “sacrifices” I had to make to provide my son with this kind of life. Get out of the “ghetto” and give your child the life he deserves; one where you don’t HAVE to hover to keep him safe. Good lord.
It was refreshing to hear someone who’s not paranoid about letting kids do things on their own sometimes.
However I have to wonder about the stats that were sited in the interview, indicating that crime against our children is on the decline… Is that because we have more nice people in the world, or because people restrict their children more then they used to?
Now, I posted a similar comment earlier, yet that seems to have been removed for some reason. I hope I’m not wasting my time typing this comment in as well.
In general I’m for giving kids more of the kinds of freedom I had when I was a youngster (back in the 60s and 70s)… Yet, I also realize that one innocent kid harmed because they were allowed to roam in a dangerous situation is one kid too many.
I posted a similar comment (to Butch Beebe’s comment) about the crimes against children being on the decline because of better parenting. I thought it was more than a coincidence that I could not find my previous comment a week or so after it had been posted, and suspected that it had been removed. (now I see that I was correct! chuckle)
My comment contained no profanity, nothing objectionable. Been doing a little “editing”, Lenore?
; )
To “Gordon”: excellent points. Unfortunately, you’re preaching to deaf ears here.
It’s an “INCONVENIENT TRUTH”. It’s simply easier for them. and yes, it is worth it to them, playing russian roulette with their children’s lives.
To: Yam Erez
I am sort of a free range parent, although there have been many things posted on here that I have disagreed with. I guess I am somewhere in the middle. but Yam Erez I want to say this to you:
You say you never watch the news.
You have no business sending a child out into a world where you yourself have no clue what is going on in. You at least owe it to the child to be up to date on his or her world. Be free range, but do it responsibly. If there is a registered sex offender living very close by, and it’s on the news, you won’t even be able to give your child a head’s up on it.
you want to go unplugged? Cut out all the crap tv shows & thngs like that. or don’t expose your child to the news. But at least keep yourself in the know.
Well I know for sure my first post was removed and there was nothing even close to being profane in it. It was in fact a bit more supportive of the whole idea of ‘free range children” then this last post that is still here. Generally I was and still am supportive of the idea that it’s OK to let mature kids have some freedom to explore the world without mommy or daddy two steps behind them.
From about the age of 7 to the age of 13, my parent’s only rule was that me and my siblings needed to be within the sound of my fathers’ ability to call/whistle for us. Which meant we could go about a quarter mile away whenever we were outside. Yet I also had 4 older siblings near by most of that time, and another half dozen well known neighbor kids around too… Oh, those were the good old days… 🙂
In typical fashion, everyone seems to be “assuming” that any missing posts are due to disagreement on Lenore’s part or some other ominous reason, without just ASKING why! CALM DOWN people! You know what ASSUMING is, right? (Ass-u-me?)
There is nothing wrong about a little debate; although I wish those disagreeing would stop claiming that those of us who agree want to see our children murdered, kidnapped, watched by others, etc. Free range doesn’t mean “Gone Wild!”
Again…the phrase is “AGE APPROPRIATE FREEDOM” and DUE SUPERVISION. That doesn’t mean being in denial that your kid might be the neighborhood bully! And if another mother told me my child/grandchild WAS, there would be a parental/grandmother investigation and intervention.
Likewise, those of us who agree with this stance need to stop accusing everyone else of being a “helicopter parent.” There is an in between! This subject is not black & white. It’s all in the degrees of freedom given the child’s maturity & responsibility level.
Cudo’s to Gordon!
I’m totally for this idea. My friends with children the same age are very hesitant. I remember when my son was six, I had one mother totally freaked out that I would let him stay the night places. She insisted that I did not know enough about the parents to know if they were safe. Even when I pointed out that one mom had been his daycare provider since the age of three, she thought I was crazy. We have other friends who didn’t let their kids stay anywhere until they were nine. Now that the kids are driving age, every parent thinks I crazy for encouraging my son to get a driving permit, half of them have put tracking devices in their kids cell phones, and text them all the time. My parents are not so worried because my son has a good head on their shoulders, and they didn’t worry about me for the same reason. Not to say that I haven’t prepared my child for this world. He has studied martial arts and knows under what circumstances to use what he knows. He and I talk a lot and so I let him know when the word on the street includes any strangers or creeps in the neighborhood. He is allowed to talk to strangers (and so was I for that matter) and go to houses with parents I’ve never met. Lord knows if that was a prerequisite he would never go anywhere.
I let my 13 year old travel half-way across the world by himself – no, this is without a flight attendant escort. He had to (i) get through security at SFO (ii) get on the plane (iii) get off at Seoul (iv) look up the correct gate number and change planes (v) go through immigration and customs at his destination. He was picked up there, but he managed the rest fine on his own.
Parents know their kids. While I could do this with my older son at 13, I can’t do that yet with my younger (who just turned 13) – he is just not street smart enough yet. Just because there are bad parents, does not mean all kids are endangered.
Bravo for writing the book.
Thank you, Brian and Fini, for the kind words.
I guess that we will have to see how long my comments remain here.
I think that I’m going to have to go with you on this one, Claudia Nelson. Everybody needs to calm down. I’m not a parent. As a matter of fact, I don’t even like kids. However, I do believe this is an important issue. I have not read all these in a while, but here is my 2 cents (for what they are worth).
1) We all know those crazy kids in our neighborhood. They come in you yard, knock over your plants and generally piss you off. These kids, however are NOT, I repeat NOT free range.
2) If your child is immature, you need to hold the reigns tighter. I am 24. I have always been mature. So, I got more privileges because I can handle it. If your child is not mature or has Aspergers/ MR/MI/peanut allergies/ grass allergies whatever, than obviously you cannot allow to do the things that other kids can do. No fair. Unfortunately, this is how it is.
3) The question, is crime lower due to better parenting whatever as been asked, but more importantly answered 1000 times already on this website.
So, calm down everybody. You don’t have to raise your kids free range. You as the parent can decide to what extent you want to allow your child to have freedom.
Personally, I would rather to continue to that kids all in my backyard (I have nice rocks to climb on) even if they scream in the middle of the day while I study, than to keep them inside all day playing video games. I even have been known to go outside with lemonade and band aids when things go wrong. We are all not bad people. 🙂
Linz
Brava! My only parenting experience was as foster parent for a period. Freedom and independence – to a point – were a big part of how we handled our young’un. When the kid becomes an adult, she’ll have to make a lot of adult decisions. How will she ever make intelligently them if she never had a chance to practice?
The one we fostered is doing just fine in adult life. Her sister, who went from stifling over-control to complete out-of-control – not so good.
Dear Mrs. Skenazy,
I am outraged that people would dare to call YOU “america’s worst mom”! I took the bus alone when I was 6! (I’m 17 now and nothing has ever happened to me being independant.)
There are mothers who drug, abondon, and even kill their children. THEY should be the worst mom’s!
I think it’s appalling you could be labeled as one.
I would love some feedback.
Thank you,
Judy B.
Hmmm…where did all of those other posts go??? I hope you deleted opinions from both sides of the spectrum and not just the ‘nay-sayers’…..oddly enough, all of my posts are still posted. tehehe
I am a ‘nay-sayer’…. I DON’T believe in Free-Range parenting! Even if I am among the few on this forum. Woot Woot!!! XD
Linz – thank you for being a caring child-free citizen.
Claudia, re knowing the parents of every home your child visits. I know all the parenting mags say you have to, but it’s just not realistic. My 12-year-old spent the night at others’ homes from the age of three (these parents we do know well) and progressed to visiting kids in other cities, and yes, she spends the night at the homes of a few people we don’t know. We do telephone ahead and introduce ourselves, exchange phone numbers, inquire into plans, etc. We do not ask about guns and porn. Mea culpa.
But Claudia brought up an important point: _Knowing your kid_, which is every bit if not more important than doing a background check on everyone with whom s/he comes into contact. Notice Claudia said she _talks with_ her son, i.e., face-to-face, not just clips a locator disk onto his collar and triangulates his cell phone and hopes for the best. Big difference.
Rebecca, where did I say I’m not informed? I read the newspaper daily. I simply said I don’t watch TV news. It’s sensationalist and deliberately emphasizes the visually interesting / appalling / terrifying. You call this irresponsible? So now the definition of a conscientious parent includes “watches TV news (which you claim lists the residences of local sex offenders? Not where I live)”? Uh-uh. Not going with this one. Read Barbara Kingsolver’s essay “No One Gets Killed At Our House”.
Oh, Lenore, Lenore, Lenore.
I was so thrilled to buy and read your wonderful, funny, paradigm-shifting book. It’s the one I was gearing myself up to write, but way, way, WAY more humorous and engaging than I ever could have managed. THANK YOU.
What a gift you have given the world. With each child who may now find themselves slightly less stunted due to the gradual releasing of their parents’ death grip on stultifying, unfounded paranoia and panic, you are making the English-speaking world a more peaceful and sane place.
Lenore. Seriously. You are changing the world. Even if all you did was let your own kid navigate the public transit system in complete obscurity, you would be changing the world by raising up a confident, self-assured person capable of making independent decisions… and goodness knows we’re going to need more and more of them to help out all the ones who aren’t.
Your book, and your presence in the media, and your willingness to become a publicly maligned (and, alternately, lionized, and just very busy, I’d imagine) figure, are all things for which I feel hugely grateful.
I’m inspired to begin organizing things like parent information and support groups, and neighbourhood “free play” initiatives, all with your book as a concrete, clear and emancipating reference to which I can direct those parents still gripped by paralyzing, media-induced, hallucinatory fear.
IT’S FOR THE SAKE OF CHILDREN AND FAMILIES that I am inspired, nay, driven to make these efforts. For children’s sake because things like open-ended, unstructured creative outdoor play and simple farting around without adults watching are the stuff of which healthy adults are made, and for families’ sake because all of this guilt-inspired 24/7 supervision is going to kill us emotionally, financially, and socially. We weren’t meant to bear this unreasonable burden. Single parents especially (and I am one) are bullied by present-day society into “safety-conscious,” crippling behaviours that don’t serve children’s welfare one bit.
This all couldn’t come at a better time, as my own children are ages 5 and 8, and my passion to provide them with daily ways to experience their own power and capabilities knows no bounds. Oh, wait: it does know some bounds. It knows that the kids’ dad is threatening me with legal action if I let my older child ride his bike unsupervised the one mile to school; it knows that “well-meaning” coaches harass my son with disinformation about “stranger danger” when he shows up alone at the park 3 blocks away from my house to participate in his organized baseball practice; it knows that complete strangers are willing, even eager, to call the police whenever they see an able-bodied, cogent young person walking or playing peacefully somewhere without a supervising adult five feet away.
This summer, I am planning to give my 8-year-old a bus map, $10 in $2 coins (I live in a lovely and placid small city in Canada), and an errand to run downtown (about 2 miles away from my house). Sure, he’ll have my cell phone. Sure, I’ll be standing next to my phone the whole time. And will I shed tears of joy seeing the look of triumph on his face when he returns with the doo-dad I asked him to purchase at the bike shop? Oh, man, this is the stuff of which golden parenting experiences are made. And if the cops are called, or my ex-husband’s lawyer threatens me with an injunction letter, so be it. I’m a writer, and now I have a role model, a heroine, LENORE, who has shown me the way to parlay a whoop-de-do about nothing into a profoundly teachable media moment.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I love you.
Mollie, beautifully put. Good luck. Your post is an example of the answer to the question we must always ask: “Who’s gaining from keeping us all terrified?” In your case, it’s your ex’s lawyer. As are the manufacturers of crawler knee-pads, infant breathing monitors, elbow pads, knee guards, and on and on.
I don’t have kids, and my friends haven’t hovered over their kids, so this helicopter parenting isnt something I see firsthand. But boy is it different from how I grew up in the late 50s to 60s
My parents grew up in Berlin and Vienna during the 30s, and were city-wise self-sufficient working-class kids. My mom went to work when she was 14, that’s what you did in Europe if you were not on a university track. They both spent their teens fleeing the Nazis (met after the war), so by the time they came to rest in Dallas TX they had a pretty sanguine attitude about what children could handle. They tell a story which I don’t remember: we went to Las Vegas when I was 2 or 3 and they parked me with a baby-sitter in the hotel room while they went to the casino at the hotel. Apparently I escaped the baby-sitter’s clutches somehow and marched into the casino in my jammies looking for them. But not upset, just wanted to hang out with them instead of the boring baby-sitter.
Our first house backed onto a church parking lot with a culvert where I caught tadpoles in jars. I walked to the grocery store 2 blks away by myself. Our next house had woods at the end of the street (all developed now) where I played for hours, one time catching a snake which I brought home and freaked out my mom. I rode my bike to school about 10 blocks. I played in playgrounds when they were still surfaced in concrete instead of that cushy stuff with the asphalt coating. I loved to see how high I could swing on the swing set. I climbed jungle jims and hung upside down by my knees. Our house was a block from a community center where I spent all summer in the pool, no sunscreen. I tan easily and I was a brown little kid for 6 months of the year.
Nutrition was interesting. My mom was a chain smoker, smoked all through her pregnancy – this was 1953! – and I ate all sorts of junk as a kid. But we always had raw carrots and peppers in the fridge to munch on as well as fruit, which no one did then. And she was a great cook; we did not eat TV frozen dinners. But when i was little she would make me orange juice with a raw egg whipped into it, which would be unheard of today.
I went away to summer camp for a month at the ages of 8 and 10. Rode horses, shot air rifles, did archery, climbed and hiked and swam in creeks. Loved the nature shack with central Texas wildlife in glass boxes: lizards and snakes and tarantulas and scorpions
In high school I took art classes after school at a junior college downtown and rode buses at night, sometimes late. I got more into biking and rode my 10-speed all over town. I mean ALL over town, for hours, to all kinds of neighborhoods. As a teen I would go with my friends to the park where all the hippies went and hang out with college age kids, and sometimes go to coffee houses and bars with them. Most of the people I hung out with were intellectual hippie types not gangs or fratboys. Mostly we would just talk and talk and talk, maybe smoke a little weed.
I had relatives in New Jersey and my family went to NYC several times which I loved. I got them to let me spend several weeks with my NJ relatives and come into NYC almost every day on the bus. I roamed around mid-60s Manhattan by myself, figuring out the subway and bus maps, going to museums and parks.
Of course all this well before the age of cellphones.
Looking back I took some risks, but not self-destructive, just tomboy kind of risks. I always had a good bullshit detector and took care of myself well because I was not fearless but aware, I got scared appropriately, so I didn’t get myself into bad situations. I could have taken all sorts of drugs or drank – this was the late 60s – but I was enough of a control freak to not WANT to play with my mind. Some friends my age were having sex with their steady boy/girl friends but not sleeping around. I didn’t have sex till I was in college. The wild kids bored me because I would rather talk philosophy than get drunk, so i guess I came out ok because I was an artsy-fartsy hippie youth.
I don’t remember my parents controlling how far I could go from home, although I’m sure they did, but it wasn’t so restrictive that I noticed it. I either played in specific places which were close to home or I was out all day and came home in time for dinner, which was normal. Or later as a 16-18 yr old, I called to tell my parents where I would be and negotiated when I would come home. This WAS more permissive than my teen friends because I was just very strong-willed and my parents didn’t fight me on it. But if they had felt strongly afraid for me they would have raised me differently from scratch.
I dated a guy once whose parents were hippies and took him with them everywhere they went, camping, rock concerts, in a baby backsling thing. This sounded like a great way to grow up, except you shouldn’t take a baby or toddler to a rock concert and damage their eardrums. OTOH I see parents with babies in the very noisy NYC subways all the time.
So sorry I wrote so much but reading these comments reminded me of my childhood, and I guess you can tell what “side” I am on in this discussion. Although I am sure if I did have children I would have qualms.
I have a five-month-old son now. And I understand all too well the urge some parents have to huddle around their kids and shelter them from the world. Of course I wish I could know he’ll never be seriously hurt, always have a good life.
But, as I’ve told him – even if he’s too young to understand the words, I am not! – the best I can do is protect him from reasonable dangers, teach him to deal with the world, and let him go. Because otherwise, I’m not protecting HIM and his right to be a person. Just myself from fear and hurt…at his expense. In which case, I’d be better off with a doll than a baby.
I want him to grow, learn, figure out who he is. Grow into a man who can face the world, work for what he wants, be happy.
And the way to do that is not to hold him in my arms forever and never let him go. Yes, that’s a decent way to treat him now – he is not crawling yet, not quite. But it isn’t a good way to treat him even a few months from now, and the older he gets, the less it will be. Indeed, I’m encouraging his faltering attempts to crawl, and helping him to strengthen one arm (which was injured at birth, and which is now nearly indistinguishable from the other).
Some day, he will decide to do something that scares me silly, I am sure. He will want to take up an extreme sport, or even a non-extreme sport that has always made me nervous (football, or downhill skiing come to mind). And while I may forbid it under some circumstances (for example, there is no way I am going to let him go skydiving, teamed or tethered, at four years old; there’s also no way that’s likely to be a serious question!), I hope that I will only do so when it is clearly that extreme. If I have doubts about his ability to handle something, I may suggest steps to get him ready for it first. (By definition, when he’s old enough to legally do whatever-it-is without my involvement, he obviously ought to be capable by then as well. Or I REALLY have not done my job as a mother.)
But if I protect him from everyday life, from learning how to take care of himself…then I submit that first and foremost he would need protection from ME.
Although I remember seeing somewhere in here recently a comment about heat-sensitive bath toys. I actually got one, but to be fair, I did it for two reasons. First off, the firefighter ducky bath toy was painfully over-cute (yes, sadly that’s a selling point to me!). And secondly, if I take a shower and my husband takes one after without setting the water down, he has been known to yelp in discomfort and complain (of course, now he checks the setting before turning it on!). I was simply contented and relaxed at the same heat setting. He’s not the only one who has thought my showers were absurdly warm, at the least – I don’t know if it’s hot enough to be a problem for my son’s more sensitive skin, but I figured I would get the duck just in case (of course, it probably won’t warn me if it’s safe but uncomfortable: my son will have to do that job, and I’m sure that if I make that mistake, he will tell me very loudly). But a lot of it is the “aww” factor of the toy: the cute really sucked me in. *sigh*
We live in a small Inupiaq (eskimo) village in the Alaskan bush where ALL kids are allowed to roam free. While I am a huge fan of free range kids it took me a while to be comfortable with this amount of freedom. It is fun though to watch what kids from 2 to 14 will do all day when not controlled by an adult. Our house is always open to kids to provide some supervision and food. We have friends here all the time and my six year old is thriving in this environment. We also homeschool which allows us even more freedom.
You are my hero! From the moment I heard the story about your son on the subway, I applauded you. I was totally a free range kid and wish my kids could live in that world. You have shown me that it is possible and not irresponsible of me as long as I give them the tools and knowledge to be as safe as possible.
I was a free-range kid–even after one of the neighbor kids got snatched off the street, sodomized, and killed by a psycho. Though it was absolutely horrible, our parents had enough sense to know that event was an extreme rarity and didn’t lock us up in reaction. But that was in 1967, when most parents actually possessed common sense.
Laura: “the best I can do is protect him from reasonable dangers, teach him to deal with the world, and let him go. Because otherwise, I’m not protecting HIM and his right to be a person. Just myself from fear and hurt…at his expense. In which case, I’d be better off with a doll than a baby.”
Wiser words were never spoken. A story:
My 12-year-old needed some family photos (her grandparents and my husband and I as children) for a school project. I said, “Fine. As I’m busy doing something else [making bike seat covers for everyone’s bikes — the sun here eats right through everything], get out the album, choose the photos you want, and when I’m done, I’ll teach you how to scan.”
[annoyed sounds from 12-year-old, who wants me to do it for her]
My husband [washing the dishes] to me: Oh, honey, c’mon, give her some support. All the other parents help their kids with this.
[I ignore him]
I stick to my guns and teach my 12-year-old to scan. Later, my husband concedes that indeed, it was the right thing to do. Ditto for why all three of my kids know how to type, even though our school doesn’t teach typing (drives me crazy that they learn to make slide shows, but don’t know how to file-manage or search the ‘net, but that’s another story).
Yam: When I was about to start high school, my mother made it crystal-clear to me that I was going to learn to type (in this case, by summer-school classes) because she was not going to type up my school papers (I went to a top high school where freshmen were expected to write research papers and the like; I was half-amused and half-saddened at the fact that four years later, as a freshman at a fairly prestigious college, a lot of my classmates found themselves assigned research papers for the first time in their lives). This was in the days before personal computers and it was actually unusual for males to come within ten feet of a keyboard.
The kids who didn’t learn to type by the time they got to college became sources of spending money to me.
ebohlman, got a kick out of that “…were sources of spending money for me”. Yeaaaaaaaah!!! I also get a kick out of those who haven’t made the transition to the 21st century. You can tell the ones I mean: They still type two spaces after a period. <Like this.
I stopped by one morning unannounced at my neightbor’s home. Our children were in kindergarten together and my son wanted to go to the park with her son before school. We went to the door and the boy looked out the window. He recognized us and opened the front door. He went immediately to his mother (who was in the bathroom) to let her know we were there. This woman proceeded to repremand her child in an extremely humiliating way (in front of me and my child) about having opened the door himself and let anyone in the house! She was rude to me and my son, insisting that her child was going nowhere because he was in BIG trouble, refused to look at me, say gooddbye or anything. She treated me like I was a serial killer or something! The poor kid looked so confused! She actually told her son NEVER to open the door even if he sees his own grandparents standing there. That was pretty much the end of my attempts at socializing with this family. Ironically, they ended up in my Cub Scout den, and her son now has to interact with me as his den leader. I’m surprized they didn’t pull him out as I’m the absurd mother who came to their door unnounced!
“Canada had first recorded an astounding 57,233 kids missing in 1987 and had 60,582 kids missing in 2007. One is too many for me!”
Sorry, I can’t let these sorts of stats go without comment. Almost every one of the those missing kids is A) a non-custodial parent or grandparent taking away a kid in a custody dispute, or B) a teenage runaway.
For the past 30 years, the number of true stranger abductions of children in Canada has remained steady at around 2 a year. So we’re in the getting struck by lightning level of rarity here.
But hey, if the media gives us a few high-profile lightning strikes, maybe parents will stop letting their kids out of doors whenever there’s a dark cloud in the sky.
Thank god someone (especially a woman) has the courage to stand up to the absurdity that exists in the world of raising children today. I have a 10 year-old daughter and 7-year old son. Your actions in creating this site has in turn given me the courage to speak out against some of the nonsense I see on a daily basis in the school system, sports, etc., etc.
Fight the good fight!
We’re all for free range kids … but I do sometimes still worry (not my hubby though — thank goodness for him)! We have a 14 year old son and 11 year daughter … neither have cell phones, both go to school on their own or with friends. Our son takes 2 city buses to school (has to transfer) and my daughter walks (has to cross a 6-lane busy street). They are self-sufficient, interesting, fun, personable, smart, wonderful kids!
One other story: a couple of weeks ago, my son and husband went to play tennis but someone had accidently locked the fence so they climbed it. Along came 3 boys (14 or 15 year olds) who tried to join them but could *not* physically climb the fence!! How sad.
Hurray – now I know what I am- a free-range parent!!!
No one criticizes my parenting to my face but the raised eyebrows and whispers behind the back – oh my.
I am the widowed mother of an 8 year old boy. We live a hop, skip and jump away from a park in a upper-income suburb of a medium sized city. To get to the park my son walks past our next-door neighbor, crossed a street that deadends into our street, walks past the fire-station and tennis courts and voila – at the park.
I have been called all kinds of things which all translate to “unfit”. Whew. I do send him with my cell phone to phone home if he needs anything. He calls to say “hi mom, I met a friend.”
So relieved to have a reply, “Well my parently philosophy is Free Range.” Simple, succinct and shared by like minded adults. Thank you – you are my idol, I bow at your feet.
I actually think you might be me. Reading your book is far too much like listening to my own rants. I tell my wife (whose name is Lenore by the way) Oh chapter 3 is my rant number 12.
That aside, I have long been railing against the over protective and judgmental nature of the modern day parenting experience. Our kids took off in opposite direction out of the park one day and by teh time I got to my 5 year old (5 minutes later and still in eye site down the block) I had a woman telling me she needed to call child protective services on me and if I cant keep my children safe then I ought to put them on a leash.
Its scary for us adults to learn to let up on our kids for sure. But we need to down a glass of seltzer… relax, breath and give them some space to find themselves. If not then we should not be surprised if we raise an adult with out too much self that has been found.
I think letting your child go on the Subway in NY is absolutely unbelievable. He may be mature, but do you really think if a 9-year-old gets lost on the Subway that he won’t get spun up and have a very hard time finding his way back? I have been on NY Subways, and I would certainly not let my 9-year-old ride one. WOW!!!
My wife was raised free range, and she was exposed to hard-core pornography at age 4. She was sexually assaulted in a playground. No mention here of all the near misses with other dangerous situations.
We give our 4 kids lots of rope to do what they like and play outside, but with boundaries. You should really be careful to moderate your position and consider that you are still responsible for your child’s safety. No one else in the “village” will care about it as much as you will.
I certainly agree with not overprogramming your child, and allowing them free time to play and explore.
I have been a full-time stay at home dad since my daughter was 10 months old. She will be 5 this August. I don’t see many fathers taking their kids to the playground or zoo or library, etc and it took almost a year before any of the moms would even talk to me at the playgrounds. I let my daughter do all sorts of things that others parents would frown upon but you only get to be a kid once and you should enjoy it. I would hear so many parents tell their children what they couldn’t do at the playground (you are to young or small or that’s too dangerous) and I will let Sally try anything. She was walking down the sidewalk to pay our rent at 4 with me watching from the porch until I knew she could do it by herself. At nearly 5 she has little fear to try anything and I couldn’t be more proud of her. I try to raise her the same way I was raised by my parents 30 years ago and even though she has had a few bumps and bruises, I fell she is better off than most of the kids I see now a days. I love my daughter more than life itself but I want her to live life and not fear it.
Reading your book right now, and finally, a voice of logic about parenting! I already am a free-range parent (pacifier fell in parking lot, I wiped it off nonchalantly on my shirt and gave it back to my son), although I do sometimes let the “fear factor” get to me (comes in the form of my husband, who is SO afraid that our 3.5 y/o son will be abducted from the parking lot of our apartment complex while playing with 4-5 other, older kids if I’m not out there supervising every moment). I grew up in a family with 8 kids, in a small town where everyone knew us, and we spent entire days running around, free. And we lived near a dangerous river complete with drop-off! Which we played near! My parents had a little hand-bell they would ring for us to come home for meals or bedtime, which we could hear a couple blocks away. Or they would just call. It’s this childhood I wish for my son.
I lived in Japan for 5 years, and during that time, I saw so many young children walking to school, taking the bus and train alone or with friends of the same age, that coming back to the states was a bit of a culture shock – esp. when I hear of parents who won’t let their 10 y/o go, by herself w/ cellphone, to the park that’s just behind their house!
Absolutely! You are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. We’re on the way to raising a population of fearful, coddled, overprotected children who can’t do anything themselves. It’s about time this movement started. It should have started when all of us “sheep” agreed to locking kids into child restraints for so many years and got fearful about leaving them in a parked car for a few (yes, a few) minutes. Good news that you’re on this track!!!!
Hi Lenore
YES finally some sanity in this insane paranoid world. I just heard you with Richard Aedy on the ABC in here Australia and I loved everything you said. This ludicrous attitude towards kids is the same here. You never see kids playing on the street (like we used to) they are always inside even when the weather is beautiful and begs you be outside. Not only is that nuts but unhealthy, probably where ADHD comes from. Four walls will drive anyone crazy.
I returned from living overseas a few years ago and decided to have a street party to say hello to everyone and to meet the few new people our street and immediate surrounding area. Our street being a cul-de-sac with 8 houses we closed off the street and set up the barby.
When the evening was in full swing I was totally amazed that there were about eighteen kids in this small area. You never see them, they are always inside. But that night they had a ball racing up and down the street on their bikes and getting to know one another.
I am so glad that my childhood was really free and I was never in the home, I was out learning about life and taking care of myself. Goodonya! Love what you have done.
i am for this idea as long as parents use common sense (which isn’t as common as you would think) i live in an apartment building and we have a small playground (which my patio door happens to face). i see 2 and 3 year old outside all day long with no one watching them, most of the time they’re not even properly dressed (no shoes or socks, no pants, no shirt, etc.) i have 3 kids, ages 3, 5 and 9. i let them outside to play by themselves as long as they STAY ON THE PLAYGROUND. if they wander off the playground then they come in the house for a while. (they quickly learned to listen and stay on the playground) my 9 year old races bmx so i let her ride around the house, she just needs to check in every so often. it’s working great for me! every 15 min or so i look out my patio door to make sure they’re still playing, and i’ve tought them not to talk to strangers or take candy from pple they don’t know. they even come to ask me if it’s ok to take a popsicle from the neighbor kids, so i’m glad what i’m saying is sinking in.
i was not allowed out of the house growing up. my mom died when i was 14 months old and my dad was an alcoholic my whole life, and i ended up pregnant with my oldest at 14. i didn’t have much of a childhood, but i do remember being very upset that i couldn’t go outside to play because my dad didn’t want to go outside to watch me. i don’t want my kids to feel like that. and i do agree that kids need to learn how to be responsible. all my kids (even my 3 year old) has chores that have to be done before they can play, and none of them whine about it (too much lol)
so i am for free-range kids…as long as the parents use common sense!!
FOR.
I have two kids, 5 and 7. I want to say thank you so much for this blog. From the bottom of my heart.
When people express paranoid concerns I like to say, “Interesting, do you think you love, know, and care for my kid more than *I* do?”
Thank you a million times over.
I just wanted to say THANK YOU!!!! I am a mother of 3 children, 12, 2, and 1. I live on a MILITARY BASE and you hardly ever see any kids outside. It makes me so sad to think that my kids are growing up without being able to play outside. My 12 year old never has any kids to play with because their parents won’t let them go out!!! It is just insane! If these people think that their children are in danger on a military base, then they have no hope at all 😦 I would love to move back to my hometown in New York, where all of my fellow childhood free rangers still live, and are letting their children outside to be kids and have the best fun of their lives 🙂 I hope to get your book soon and pass it on to other military wives so we can get our kids out there!!
Hi Lenore,
Heard about you from ABC Life Matters programme.
I so dislike the whole overprotected kids syndrome that seems to be a very US based thing, although I know it is alive & well here in Oz. I am sure it is a consequence of our media sensationalist, headline seeking culture and also the culture that encourages individuals to not be responsible for their own actions.
I have 2 boys – 27 & 17 – & have actively encouraged them to do things themselves. I do not believe that life is risk free, and should never be seen as such. Learning to deal with risks is part of becoming a useful & capable person.
It never ceases to amaze me that kids can’t go for walks, can’t ride their bikes, can’t go to a shop, can’t even go to friends places – all because their parents & care-givers live in fear.
I grew up in Sydney in the 60’s & roamed free. I came from a very happy & caring family. We learnt to be self sufficient. Rarely did we need to check in on parents. I walked through the bush to school, stayed at friends places, travelled by public transport ON MY OWN; learnt to cook, shop, bank, earn money. I left home at 18 & went out to see the world.
Isn’t this what we want for our children?
I know I do – and it is what my children are getting. My older son left home to live with mates at 19 – he’s doing fine. The younger one is still at school – but he has pretty clear ideas about what he wants in life – he’ll be fine too.
Yes, life is risky – but that is what makes it exciting & exhilarating. That’s what makes it worthwhile getting out of bed in the morning!
Cheerio
I’m definitely taking stock and hope to get over a lot of the fear & paranoia that we seem to be mired in! I LOVE the idea and clearly it’s not just me! Glad to have heard about you (NPR) think it’s great!
FREERANGE KIDS ROCK!
I was raised in a very overprotective household, and ‘went wild’ when ever I got away from my parents on school or church trips. I became adept at lying to them. Now that I have a young son, I want to give him the freedom I watched other kids have, but it’s hard to know what’s appropriate. I do not want to raise one of the clingy immature kids I saw when I went back to grad school, who were 22 and still had their parents hovering around. I was fiercely independant as a result of feeling repressed, and I see that same personality emerging in my son.
I really think you have to let kids have room to grow and make mistakes, but you also have to recognize there are dangers that we didn’t face as kids…like sexting and internet predators.
I’m still finding a balance.
I’m so glad someone is advocating this. I grew up a free range kid. and so did my sister. yet she is now a helicopter parent. she never lets her kids out of her sight and they are wimps. the kids and my sister are always afraid that the bogeyman is right around the corner waiting the snatch up the kids. it’s so sad.
A reader of my blog (A Reluctant Mom) suggested I check yours out because I wrote a post about my childhood and how I walked to school – with only a friend – as early as 7 years old (perhaps younger – I remember walking to Kindergarten and don’t recall my mom or dad with me). I am one of those people who is petrified my kid will get taken, but as they grow older, I am realizing I need to calm down, educate them, give them the reigns and hope for the best. I became an independent, street-wise kid from all the rope I was given, so I hope my girls do, too. Thanks for sharing your story for those to see. And you are a hero for stepping up!
I am not a free range parent & never will be. I was raised kind of i nthe middle. But it was different for me, I lived on a plantation so we had lots of space to run around, however there were certain spots I could not go on our own property. My brother went up in an old barn & my mother told us we couldnt, he got on the loft & it gave out & he broke his arm, luckily he fell into hay but he still was badly hurt. And I think I live in a great neighbohood, not many cars but it is suburbia so there are cars & people. Which means they could get hit because they are short or they could get picked up because they are 5 yr old little girls. Free range parenting to me just seems like an excuse to let your kids do whatever they want so they won’t throw fits & call it a stlye of parenting. Bieng a parent is about guiding your kids in the right direction. I do not let my kids play in the streets. If they want to play with the neighbors, they can come to our house or an adult must take them to their house but I will not allow them to walk off our property even if it is next door. I will let them play in the front of our house, (ours house is on stilts & the bottom part is enclose kinda) so they go down there & play. I will never let them walk to school, so many kids get picked. My children also still are required to sit in strollers at all amusement parks & anywhere that is busy.
Taylor, you a clearly a fearful person – and are doing a bang-up job raising fearful children. While your’s are hiding from the world, mine will be reveling in it.
We all die, but only a few really live. I hope that I’m helping mine (15 year old daughter btw) learn to truly live. What you are describing for yourself and yours can hardly be said to be a life.
To Ms. Skenazy: Good work my dear! Love your site, and love the message!
i am 14 and i have major depression because my parents give me no freedom…… i dont want any kids to suffer the shit i have and giving them freedom and privacy would be a simple solution. You have to give them freedom with certain boundaries, it’s healthy!!!
There is an article in the Hartford Courant today called “Let Kids Party Like It’s 1979” written by Teresa M. Pelham. It brings up a lot of what we are discussing here–being outside and free from parental view in the “olden days” while playing outside with friends.
I want to quote the final few paragraphs, because she brings up a great point here–the questions children who are NOT free range will worry their heads about if they are given the chance to finally explore “the great outdoors.” Keep in mind we aren’t talking about 4, 5, 6 year olds here:
“As my boys will readily acknowledge, their fondest memories thus far have nothing to do with watching ‘iCarly’ reruns. They involve spending the day on a dock with a metal crab trap and a couple of hot dogs as bait. We just need to translate that free-range play they enjoy on vacation to the home setting.
“So this summer, we’re going to party like it’s 1979. We’re going to pretend there are only 3 TV channels and the only things on during the day are cooking shows and Charlie Rose. The boys have agreed to a ‘no glowing screens until 4:00’ rule for the summer. There’s a little waterfall just beyond the woods in our new backyard, and I’ve alerted them that it’s theirs for the exploring.
“You mean you’re not going to come with us? How far can we go? What if we need you? Is that even on our property?”
“I can’t imagine every asking any of those questions when my mom sent us off with a Thermos of hot chocolate while we ice-skated for hours on a pond a half mile away from home. Or when we’d spend the day digging to China or climbing trees or building forts or using the corn growing next door as ammunition in our hand-carved slingshots.
“I dare you to keep the TV and computer off all day this summer. (Maybe we’ll make an exception for rainy days.) I triple-dog-dare you to give your kids the freedom and independence to appreciate nature and explore their worlds, like it’s 1979.”
THE AMOUNT OF TIME CHILDREN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 8 AND 18 SPEND “PLUGGED IN ELECTRONICALLY” AVERAGES 45 HOURS PER WEEK!
Re. Butch Beebe 11th June 2009 and your comments about deleted posts. You “know for sure you’re first post was removed”. Perhaps you should think and check before you moan! This is my first visit to this site and I have been scanning the comments for all of 20mins. The comment you refer to as being deleted is still there (posted 10th June) – you just posted it in the ‘ideas’ comments rather than the ‘for and against’ section!
It’s easy to fall into the fear trap–the media headlines are all about fear!
I was allowed to do a lot as a child and, until recently, was more restrictive with my children. I started to think about why (this was before I found your site and book Lenore). I didn’t trust my kids to know all the things they needed to know to handle themselves–it all seemed so complicated. So i decided to start teaching them what they need to know…
–what to do if they lose me at the shopping mall (as soon as I explained this, my 8 year old tried it out–he disappeared, lost me, found his way to the information desk and had me paged–he was so pleased with himself!)
— how to cross a busy road (we live in a quiet cul-de-sac)
— how to catch a bus to school… this one was also a revelation. DS9 was to catch the bus home and it happened that the bus number I gave him was wrong. So, with the advice of the teacher who helps the kids catch their buses, he caught a different bus with a differnt route, that happened to be the closest to where I was waiting at the bus stop. He got off at the best stop (worked that out himself), crossed a moderately busy road, and walked to the bus stop where I was waiting for him. He showed me what he could do!
— being responsible for shopping, including spending their own money, deciding what snacks are OK to have (we are on an additive-free diet due to his asthma etc.) and meeting me in a predesignated place
— setting up a shop outside our house, writing notes for all the neighbours and asking them to come to the shop… that was a big success.
It’s give and take–the kids know I need to see them acting responsibly in order to grant them responsibilities and to trust them, so they act responsibly! (Not all the time, but then, neither do I!)
I look forward to reading the book and going further on this journey 🙂
One more thought… if the survival of my children was my absolute and only concern (versus taking calculated risks with all of our lives), the first thing I would cut out of their lives would be car travel–that’s the most risky thing I know of 🙂
Jen: Amen to that. Driving kids to protect them from “predators” is almost exactly analogous to taking up smoking to protect yourself from the health risks of weight gain. It involves choosing a greater risk over a lesser one because the lesser risk, if it materialized, would involve a major loss of face and the greater one wouldn’t (you’d be roundly condemned and possibly even charged with neglect if your kid were grabbed; no one would hold you responsible if your kid was killed in a car accident as long as you blew a zero on the breathalyzer. Similarly, if you’re a straight female and you gain ten pounds, everyone will mention it to you constantly (and you’ll be resented by peers who are dieting), whereas smoking would be regarded as a habit that’s bad but is also your own business).
This sort of “reasoning” strikes me as very narcissistic, but my knowledge of social psychology tells me that it’s also extremely common and very difficult to resist. That same knowledge tells me that comparing the risk of abduction to the risk of being struck by lightning is very unlikely to change anyone’s mind; most people think, and are almost correct about it, that lightning strikes on humans are the result of unreasonably risky behavior. If you’re going to use risk comparisons, you have to compare the risks of abduction to the risks of everyday activities that most people regard as perfectly safe; the risk that a ten-year-old male Little League player will suffer cardiac arrest from taking a pitch to his chest is much greater than the risk that he’ll be raped and murdered walking half a mile to his game. Emotionally, of course, most people reverse the risks. That’s an example of a cognitive distortion (bad thinking habit that’s so bad that it’s capable of causing clinical depression) called emotional reasoning; you’re assuming that how you feel about something (how scary it is) gives you the Truth about the True Nature of the thing (how dangerous it is). We tend to think of the most thrilling mega-theme-park rollercoaster as the most dangerous, even though most serious rollercoaster accidents occur on the tame models found in local carnivals. “My life feels empty, so I must be worthless” is an example of emotional reasoning that doesn’t involve risk assessment.
A very insightful analysis ebohlman–thanks for getting me thinking about this from other angles. I have a psych background too, and your description of emotional reasoning about risks makes great sense. What complicated creatures we are… I can’t help wondering whether there was ever a survival advantage to this type of thinking for it to have survived evolution? (sorry about the digression…..!) Either way, it isn’t serving us so well as far as our kids real needs are concerned.
Jen: it’s commonly accepted that we really have two minds (or two modes of brain functioning if you will): the “emotional mind” and the “rational mind.” The “emotional mind” works much faster than the “rational mind” because it works by cutting lots of mental corners; these cuts are technically known as “heuristics,” “cognitive biases” and “cognitive distortions.” If we didn’t have it, we’d be essentially paralyzed because “properly” thinking things through would take way too long. And it turns out that the snap decisions it makes are usually right when we need to make simple, everyday decisions regarding common matters and frequent events.
The problem is that the emotional mind takes wrong turns when it’s dealing with complicated matters and rare events. To handle those properly, we need to use our rational minds and that involves quite a bit of effort and time. Often in such cases our emotional mind will come up with a solution that is, as Mencken said, short, simple and wrong. But that false solution will feel right. Jumping to conclusions should be an Olympic sport.
Furthermore, our brains work by pattern detection, and they’re “optimized” to favor falsely detecting a pattern that doesn’t really exist over missing one that really does exist. This served us well to protect us against the kinds of dangers we faced early in our evolution, but works poorly to evaluate the kinds of risks we now face (freezing when you see a tiger running at you is a successful strategy, since you want it to ignore you, but it doesn’t work when what’s coming at you is a car, where you want the driver to notice you).
The nature of the mental shortcuts we take is such that people who are perfectly normal in the psychiatric sense can, under the “right” circumstances, develop delusions that are just as wild as those of a psychotic. People are particularly vulnerable to such beliefs when they’re in an environment where there’s a strong taboo against questioning anything a person says; we actually rely far more than we think on reality-checking performed by others. Trendy postmodern notions that hold that you can’t separate the idea from the person and that any criticism of one’s assertions is a personal attack (“you’re invalidating me!”) really aggravate these phenomena (these notions have a far more mundane origin than most of their proponents would recognize; they’re simply exaggerations of well-meaning rules intended to keep AA meetings from turning into slagfests).
My kids roam the neighborhood, take the bus and ride their bikes all over town….just like I did as a kid in the 70’s and 80’s. My husband grew up in the Bronx and started taking the subway to school in Manhattan when he was about 10.
While I whole heartedly support what you are doing, I have to shake my head at this needing to be a “movement”. Honestly, it’s just part of growing up. I also allow my kids to roam and get them selves where they want to go out of pure selfishness/laziness. If I fetched and carried my kids every time they wanted to go to the movies, shopping, to school or baseball practice, I would not have a life!
I must confess to being a recovered fearful mom. I was 6 weeks post partum September 11, 2001. It settled in for several months and I held my kids very closely. It was the exhaustion of constantly monitoring a 8 year old and 6 year old with an infant that pushed the fear out.
I also got to know my neighbors. I think one reason folks are so scared is that they don’t know who they are living next to. I know every person on my block. If I’m looking for a kid, someone will usually say, “Oh I saw the boys at the baseball field.” or “They’re over at Susie’s house.” Getting over or past the fear is more about building community than reading the facts. Fear is not logical so facts won’t help. A strong neighborhood community is an amazing gift to give kids today.
I was raised in England during the 70s and 80s and I was definitely a free range kid. I spent many happy hours roaming around our village on my bike, climbing trees, making dens etc from about the age of 7 onwards (I did have a borther who was 7 years older who kept an eye on me….most of the time).
I now have two young boys and am starting to think about when it would be appropriate to let them have the freedom that I enjoyed.
However….although I agree that letting your kids have freedom can be a good thing, I think people also need to recognise the negative side of letting your kids run free, and that there is a balance to be had.
What I have described above though is the rose-tinted edited version of my free roaming childhood (which is what I think many other people on this site have put up).
I could also have told you about how I used to steal from shops, set fire to everything I could (using the matches and methylated spirits that we stole), bully other kids, harrass old ladies, throw things at moving cars, damage other people’s property and was generally a juvenile delinquent. I could also have mentioned that I was run over outside my house when I was about 8 because I didn’t check for cars when I shot across the road on my bike. How I didn’t get killed I don’t know (I like to give the credit to my bike which was one of those with a high back seat which were fashionable in the 70s).
I know that my deliquency wasn’t necessarily due to the fact that I was allowed to roam free (there were family issues at home), but the fact is that without an adult about to keep me in check I became TOO confident, and thought I could get away with anything without any consequences. However, there were consequences later when I ended up being arrested as a teenager, and that event really shook me up and did a lot of psychological damage, which it has taken a long time to come to terms with.
For my boys, I am not worried about paedophiles or anything like that: I am more worried about them getting run-over (because I know what young boys are like near roads) and becoming delinquents like me. See my trouble is: I know how bad kids can be when left alone! (I know, my boys haven’t got the family issues that I had at their age but they are still boys).
I will let them out to roam on their bikes at some point, but only when I’m confident that they are sensible enough. And when that is is my other problem? At what age is it appropriate to let them out? Or is it kid/locality dependent?
One other thing: I think it would be a bit naive to assume that nothing has changed since I was a kid.
I can’t even remember hearing about drugs until I hit high school really (and I had much older siblings) and never considered drinking alcohol until I was about 15. But these days the sad fact is that these things are more prevalent (notice I do not think that paedophiles are more prevalent like some people), and children’s culture has moved on a lot since the 70s, and in my opinion, generally not for the better. There are certainly more cars on the road, which as I said, is what worries me the most.
I want to be able to give my kids (some of) the freedom I had, BUT I think that I had a bit too much freedom when I was a kid, and it contributed to me getting in to trouble later on, so I will probably be a bit more restrictive than my mother was with me. Plus, as I said, times have changed and some things have to be different now.
So for me, this whole issue is about getting the balance right and walking that fine line between giving my kids the gift of freedom and independence, and letting them run amok. THAT is what worries me most. I just hope I can pull it off without damaging them (or me).
Good luck to everyone else in the same position.
P.S. (I would find it useful to have some statistics about when, on average, kids should be able to do certain things. Our school/local police say kids shouldn’t ride to school before 10 based on the accident-statistics, which goes along with my own experience)
Chiromama, you’re wise. WAFL, so are you. I recall reading that the American College of Pediatrics recommends not letting kids cross streets alone ’til age nine. Seems that until then the nervous system isn’t fully developed, neither is depth perception. Put that together with kids’ (NOT just boys – what century are we in?) impulsiveness, and it’s a volatile combination.
However, nothing says that well before that (from the time they can walk), you can’t start the tape running, i.e., “Do we see any cars? Do we hear any cars? Is that car parked, or moving? Is it moving toward us, or away from us? Is it going forward, or in reverse? Do you think the driver sees us?”
Then you can move to letting them cross on their own when they can answer the above questions correctly, with you there watching. Good luck!
Getting hit by a car is my biggest fear for my daughter too, and the reason I was reluctant to let her walk the .8m to school this year. She just turned 7, and what I have done is to gradually increase what I’ll trust her to do. Most days this year I drove her up the the corner of the street the school is on, and let her out of the car there (one busy street to cross, but with a crossing guard.) I do admit that I occasionally drove her all the way to school, because I think it’s important to be around sometimes to chat with other parents, meet her classmates, etc. Then, I started letting her out of the car further away. Often, I drove her about 1/2 way to school, just to the other side of the busy street she’d need to cross (no crossing guard at this one), and let her walk from there. I always said that if we didn’t live on the opposite side of that street, I’d let her walk alone. One day I decided to drop her off BEFORE that street, then I rounded the corner and sat and watched while she calmly walked over and pushed the button, waited for the walk light, looked both ways, and crossed safely. Clearly, the concern about her being able to cross it was MY problem, not hers. Next year she’ll be walking alone.
Her best friend lives 2 blocks away but across a different busy street without a walk light. I have walked there with her many times, and then the last few times I let her take charge (with me right there). She knew to look for cars, wait until it was safe, and then cross quickly. Now she’s allowed to go there on her own. She crossed it last Thursday to go to the bakery at the corner, and she was SO happy to be allowed to run that short errand (as was I to have her bring home breakfast – I was home decorating her birthday cake)… and the only “problem” we had was that she stopped at her best friend’s house on the way home (I say “problem” because she’d been told to come straight home, and not to ring their doorbell at 9AM on a Saturday morning! She wasn’t unsafe, but she was reprimanded for being disrespectful of her friend’s mom (who was still in bed) and meby disobeying).
To me, free-range doesn’t mean no rules or boundaries, it means setting those boundaries appropriately knowing the specific kid and situation. Every kid is different, and every parent is different… the level of responsibility our kids are given needs to fit THEIR abilities and OUR comfort level. I’m just working on stretching my comfort level, while teaching her the skills she needs to increase her ability. Our job as parents is to guide them so the eventually do not need us (my daughter has already told me that she’s a big kid, and doesn’t need me to do most things for her, but she’ll always need me for hugs and kisses. How cute is THAT?! And how true…. in the end, they do things for themself but we’re always here to just love them unconditionally).
-Lisa
I’ve thought so much about the tone of fear in many of the against posts….From the moment of conception we are bombarded with what danger our children are in. Yes, there is wise and sound advice…pay attention to nutrition, don’t smoke, don’t drink. But most women are also sent the message that this life growing in them is so fragile that they need constant monitoring to make sure everything is OK. I applaud modern obstetric technology for saving the lives of truly high risk women and babies. However, the majority of us are fully equipped to carry a baby to term with minimal monitoring and interference. The modern, high tech birth experience further drives into women that we or our children could die at any moment….once again constant monitoring and interference. Women are not encouraged to listen to and trust our bodies nor our babies….don’t let them sleep on their stomachs, don’t let them sleep with you, breastfeed this many minutes each side every so many hours…so much is dictated to parents coming from a place of fear. Rarely are women coached to listen to our baby, learn his/her cues.
Taking the fear out of parenting needs to start with pregnancy and childbirth going back to being a normal part of life…not a medical emergency.
I thought this article was very interesting, and has a childless person, this is sort of how I feel about people and their kids.
Have a great day!
http://www.alternet.org/sex/140964/why_are_people_obsessed_with_their_kids/?page=2
I thought this article was very interesting, and has a childless person, this is sort of how I feel about people and their kids.
Have a great day!
http://www.alternet.org/sex/140964/why_are_people_obsessed_with_their_kids/?page=1
I’m so proud of you!! It takes a lot of guts to stand up for your kids in the face of such dire fears!
Just this past weekend I was ‘corrected’ again. My 9 year old asked if he and his 6 year old bother and 10 year old cousin could go to the bathroom. We were at a kid friendly public place, Chucky Cheese kind of place. The bathroom was just around the corner… I was told that they can’t go to the bathroom by themselves that’s ridiculous… I thought for a second that I should stick up for myself & them but didn’t and allowed them to be escorted to the bathroom.
Now that I found you, I know I’m not alone. Next time I won’t feel ridiculous for letting my kids take a pee on their own.
“Walking a fine line,” which seems to be both the user name and some well-considered advice for parents, makes many fine points.
Although I was raised in The Bronx, not England, there was also plenty of opportunity for kids set way too free on the range to get into a heap of trouble. Up here in Vermont, where it all seems bucolic and safe, it was only a year ago that we saw the disappearance of Brooke Bennett, 12, whose body was later found in a shallow grave. Police allege that she was lured, drugged, raped, beaten and killed by her uncle, Michael Jacques. (You can do a Web search on either name, if the case is unfamiliar to you.)
Our family had then known Jacques for about two months, because he and I played on the same men’s 25-and-over baseball team. His daughter and our daughter had become sort of “dugout” friends, and I have often shuddered to think how easily our daughter could have ended up at Jacques’ house on a play date.
We met Brooke — once — on Father’s Day ‘08 when she kept the scorebook for the team, just a few days before her brutal demise. Michael, incidentally, has not gone to trial; this being America, in the eyes of the law, he is considered innocent until proven guilty.
But there is substantial evidence pointing to Jacques’ guilt in the Brooke Bennett slaying, as well as his having successfully covered up a series of forced covert relationships with young girls over the years. Jacques was already a repeat sexual predator who made every effort to hide his past from new associates. Surprisingly, not even his employer knew of his past crimes. (They have since changed their policies on background checks.)
Just last month, in an unrelated case, Vermont State Police charged a repeat sex offender — one who used numerous aliases to obtain work as a “nanny” while lobbying vigorously on the Internet for laws reducing the age of consent — with having repeatedly molested a boy in his care. The suspect made it onto the list of the local school district’s approved substitute teachers (although he hadn’t taught a class … but could have if he hadn’t been caught and jailed).
So, even if it sounds Draconian to some, we believe in such things as having potential care-givers agree to background checks and, if warranted, fingerprinting. Even then, as the case with the many-named male nanny shows, you may still become subject to someone bent on wreaking havoc upon your children.
Don’t be paranoid to the point of being nutty; do take reasonable and sensible precautions to ensure the safety of your children until they are physically, mentally and emotionally able to shoulder most of that role themselves.
At what age does that occur? I, too, wish to hear what others on this blog have to say about that.
Gordon: I think the answer to your last question is that it can’t be determined by age at all, because kids don’t develop in lockstep. It has to be based on your own kid’s developmental trajectory, and the only way to determine the appropriate time is to give your kid plenty of time in an environment where you watch over him but don’t directly make decisions for him; you let him make his own decisions while reserving the right to countermand them if they’re bad (e.g. what I wrote elsewhere on this blog about street-crossing).. This is a lengthy ongoing process, and will result in different answers for different aspects of self-sufficiency, but it’s the only way to do it. Trying to base it on an arbitrary age cutoff is like asking at what age do kids turn five feet tall; it’s not even a meaningful question.
First,
I am a brand new parent of a wonderful baby boy and I am totally for free range parenting. I am trying so hard not to be a neurotic new mom.
Second. . .
a message to Joe Kavanagh. I was reading some of the posts on here and several of yours caught my attention. I am being very sincere when I say that I would like to applaud you for how you are choosing to raise your son. You seem very thoughtful about the choices you make for him and you seem to want to push him to be the best person that he can be. I say this as an educational specialist for students with ASD. You are doing a great job (at least as far as I can tell from your posts, of course). However, (and I hope it’s okay that I point this out) I think that you are a free range parent. It is my opinion that free range parents work hard to enable their children to do as much as they can. The free range movement encourages parents to think for themselves and do what they see fit for their children. Free range parents work very hard to not get lost in what the media tells them is scary or threatening. You, sir, seem to be right on with that philosophy. I am truly sorry to hear that your son is teased by adults and children alike. That makes me PHYSICALLY ILL. Shame on anyone who would single out a human for being different. If he was in my school I would NOT let that be tolerated.
Joe, Keep on fighting the good fight. You are a fantastic dad and are CLEARLY working hard to help your son grow into the best person that he can. Congrats!
I was talking with my wife about this last night, and it got me thinking. I wonder if it is actually true that as a society we are more restrictive with our kids than our parents were with us. I can think of a few reasons why it might APPEAR that way (I haven’t read the book yet, it’s on order, so apologies if Lenore has already gone over this) :
1. Communication is faster more widespread now. When I was a kid I didn’t know (and neither did my parents) whether kids in the next village were allowed out at age 6 or whatever. So it may have been that other kids were restricted then, we just didn’t hear about it. Now we are all searching on the internet, hearing about how restrictive some people are. But when I look around our village there are still plenty of kids playing at the playground without supervision. Plus with mobile phones I wonder if some kids actually have MORE freedom to go out on their own because their parents feel more confident because they can contact/find them quickly.
And when I thought about it, I realised that I was actually one of the exceptions at being allowed to roam freely at a young age. Most of my friends had strict curfews until they were much older, and weren’t allowed out on their own like I was.
2. Society is more disjointed now. We move around more. Fewer people live in the place where they grew up, or around older relatives these days, so the knowledge about when it is appropriate to let your kids do certain things is not being passed down as well (perhaps…I don’t know) so more people are looking for answers else-where (e.g. here) which makes it APPEAR as if people are more worried than they used to be.
3. We all mis-remember (is that a word?) our own childhood.
I know that when I thought really hard about it, that, actually, some of the things I was allowed to do were at an older age than I had originally thought: it’s just that I had forgotten some of the boundaries that had been set for me when I was younger (this goes back to point 2. I don’t live near my parents so the knowledge of when I did things is not easily accessible)
I guess what I’m saying is: where is the EVIDENCE(not media reports or parental anecdotes!) that kids are less free to roam than they were 30 years ago?
There have always been parents who wouldn’t let their kids play in the dirt etc. Could it be that the discussion about kids roaming free has just become more open, and so we have heard more from the “restrictive” parents than we did in the past?
There certainly seems to be a fair few people on here who are keen to give their kids some independence, and maybe it has just taken longer for their voices to be heard, because they weren’t as bothered about voicing their opinions as the more uptight parents(?).
Ok, I just read Jeffa’s post, and as a result I went back to read all of Joe Kavanagh’s.
Joe: it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job raising your son, despite the challenges he (and you) have. What it sounds like you’re saying overall is that parents know their own kids best, and that we should feel free to make decisions based on that knowledge. I think that’s exactly what free-range parenting is about!
I’m not sure where you get the idea that free-range parenting has anything to do with disliking autistic kids or excluding them. It doesn’t! My daughter, who just turned 7, actually seems to relate quite well to kids with special needs. I think most parents just don’t know HOW to interact with kids who have disabilities, particularly when it’s not a physical issue. I know for a long time I hesitated, and it wasn’t until I knew my friend very well that I was comfortable asking “is this something your dd could do, and would enjoy”… I also have tried to educate myself a little bit, but there is so much information out there and it’s not my kid – I have my own topics to devote my time and attention to, and I won’t feel guilty for that. But it’s very possible that kids don’t understand your son, and their parents don’t have enough knowledge to explain his differences nor feel comfortable enough to just outright ask you. I eventually decided it was better just to ask than to say or do the wrong thing – and I’m still getting more forthcoming with my questions. I don’t know if I’d be this comfortable if I didn’t have a close friend with a teenage daughter who is autistic (who my daughter is surprisingly comfortable with, given that this is the first person with a severe disability that she’s come in contact with). Plus other friends of ours have a daughter the same age as my dd who has special needs. The girls are very close friends, and the parents and I have become very open with each other now that we’re friends as well… they need to set stricter limits than I do, and yet we’ve had no problems even when we’re discussing the specific concerns/issues each of us have. How has it worked out when you’ve invited the other kids to YOUR house for a playdate, or invited another family to join you on an outing?
I don’t think free-range parents in general have a problem with other kids having different limits. I DO have a problem (and I think others agree) if someone feels, just because their child is not ready to be left home alone, that they need to call the police or CPS when I leave MY kid home alone.
Same thing with stuff like after school programs: by all means, give parents the option of coming in to sign out their kids… but also give them the option of signing a release for kids to walk outside (or home) on their own. You may not sign it, I would – I just don’t think either decision should be considered “bad”. And I don’t think anyone should be making those decisions for us.
-Lisa
Rock on Lisa!
Gordon, “….fingerprinting if warranted”? Why wouldn’t it be warranted? Yet in this age of biometrics, I’m thinking fingerprinting has been replaced by some digitized ID method.
I’ll check it out, but the two cases you described sound so Urban Legend…”repeat sexual predator…hid his past…not even his employer knew…a nanny who was on the School Board ‘approved’ substitutes’ list”…I don’t know. I’m not saying these two cases don’t actually exist, just that some of the facts sound embellished…
OK, Gordon, I read about the Michael Jacques case in the Rutland Herald. Yes, the justic system seems to have dropped the ball, but if you look at each instance, you see where no one element is to blame (because of course we all look for who’s to blame), but the ball-droppers seem to be under judicial review. True, it won’t bring back Bennett, but neither will our keeping our kids within our sight 24/7. Cars get recalled all the time. Cars are death machines. Does that mean we won’t let our kids ride in them?
Also, has anyone stopped to ask if there are actually more pederasts than there used to be? If so, could it be because our society is sex-saturated and children are sexualized, thereby legitimizing perverts’ appetites for them?
I will be for free range. I have lost a lot in my life do to phobias of non free range growing up.
The whole stranger danger, people will kill you or steal you and dont be out after the street lights come on. I have been said to have social aniexty of larger to small crowds, I have a hard time still at this age accepting people and just going about not to stay I stay inside all day.
If one would belive it or not I tried to live my dream of indy wrestling for a year but because of teh crowd and interaction of a crowd and crowded back area and after throwing up do to nerves I gave it up.
I still have trouble even in the wal-mart I mean I can go in and buy goods but it’s not as bad as todays parents who seemto think every single person is going to get you.
You cant control everything so please new parents let you kids live there life but also take care of them in times of need.
You’re dead on!
I urge you to look into the research behind bike helmets as well, which is highly dubious. All helmet laws do is discourage bike riding. In an age with epidemic child obesity we should be encouraging the activity, not overstating its dangers. Countries that actually ride bikes do not use helmets.
Fight the Nanny State and raise independent children, not victims!
Anthony, your post reminded me of my own community, a tiny, outlying, income-sharing community. We have a common laundry where our clothing is laundered, folded, and sorted into labeled bins. Whenever an item doesn’t come back from the laundry, members leap to claim “It was stolen”, naturally by volunteers or other non-members. In nearly 28 years, I’ve had one item that I know was stolen (met the thief wearing it hundreds of kilometers from home), and another two that never came back, so I’ll call them lost. It happens.
We also have a walk-in fridge wear members can take fruit. Everyone talks about “truck drivers” who goes in and help themselves to crates of our fruit. Everyone talks about these truck drivers, but no one has actually seen it happen. When I ask, “Have you actually witnessed this?” the member will say, “No, but Ted has”. Again, the truck driver. The Other. The bogeyman. Even here in our gated bubble of a community.
Surely it must be the first principle of any democratic thinking soul to let others educate their children as they think fit. I resent the way so many people force their views on others, although they know perfectly well that every kid, every parent and every situation is different. This kind of intolerance does not indicate much leeway for free thinking for their own kids, let alone more …
Free range is certainly the most promising, child orientated and loving way to raise children. The key is to use as much common sense and responsibility as possible and to pass these on to the next generation, including the learning process everybody needs to work on their own good judgement!
Let’s face it, hovering over your kids the helicopter way is also a form of cowardice – in a system where the state, the police and all sorts of clever neighbours can dictate the way kids ought to be raised and where parents allow basically nothing for fear of anything going wrong nobody can blame them either. And it creates plenty of future business for therapists and psychiatrists (is there a lobby somewhere ?).
My story is not my own, but the story of my mother: raising free-range grandkids. It’s the story of how today’s society can convince a reasonable person that they don’t know the difference between safe and not safe.
My children, ages 11, 8, and 5, live on the very same street in the very same house that I grew up in. The same house that my mother moved into with her parents when she was a teenager. On the same block that my father, my three uncles, and two aunts also grew up on. When I was a child in the early eighties, this street in the south end of Louisville, Kentucky, was filled with children from dawn til dusk. We rode bikes. We built forts. We wandered from neighbor’s house to neighbor’s house, grandparent to grandparent. We filled up on popsicles and water drank straight from the water hose. It was the best time of my life.
Now, my children play on the same street. This summer, my son, who will be in kindergarten in the fall, decided he was big enough to walk two houses down to see if a friend could play. I freaked out. I told him under no circumstances could he wander outside unattended. Someone might steal him! YES, ON THE VERY SAME STREET WHERE MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAS LIVED FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS. Why was I worried about this? Fortunately, my mother usurped my authority and told him it was fine, with the instruction to watch for cars and not walk in the street. “What are you thinking?” I demanded. “He could be kidnapped!” Her reply was: “Don’t worry. They’ll bring him back.” My son now plays freely in the neighbor’s yard with the bigger boys.
In another instance, my mother and I were at the park with all three children. My oldest daughter, entering seventh grade this year, was sitting in a field near the tree line about 100 yards away. She seemed to be enjoying the peace away from the other kids. But as I watched her picking grass out of the ground, I was seized with the sudden fear that an army of child predators lurked in the nearby tree line, ready to snatch her away as soon as I turned my head. As I began to call her back, my mother stopped me and told me to let her be. I explained to my mother, twenty years my senior, the obvious dangers that she was missing. That was the point at which my mother reminded me that my 11 year old daughter was a competitive gymnast, who trained at the gym 15 hours a week. She can run faster, jump further, and kick higher than any adult I know. The same child who is convinced that she is, in fact, a ninja, and likes to spar with me in the kitchen (and always wins). “Don’t worry,” she told me. “That child is not going to let anyone touch her. She’ll kick their ass.” Now I don’t worry when my daughter and her friends ride their bikes to the park.
I’m grateful to my mother for reminding me that the world is not a dangerous place for my children. I’m grateful that she is helping me to give them the same kind of independence that she gave to me.
I’m almost through with the book – and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Thank you so much for writing it. I’ve been raving about it and encouraging all of my friends who are parents to purchase/read it.
I have one daughter (so far!) – she’s only 11 months, but I’m planning on raising her as a free-range kid. My husband grew up on a farm, and I grew up in a rough part of Dayton, Ohio – and we were both free-range (although our parents think this whole discussion is crazy -there isn’t another alternative in their minds).
I laughed during the chapter about babysitters needing to be properly vetted now – I spent my entire summer when I was twelve babysitting 3 young children 5 days a week while the mother worked. 12-years-old taking care of 3 kids – and nothing bad happened. Horrors!!
The free-range way-of-thinking makes me feel so liberated – like what my gut was telling me about raising my daughter is ‘acceptable’ after all. No guilt anymore about what I should or shouldn’t be doing!!
I can’t wait to finish the book and pass it on – here’s to a nation of healthy, independent free-range kids!
I just finished your book this afternoon. BRAVO! I’m the mother of a 21 mo. old and an 8 mo. old. While most Free-Range parenting in a year or two away for me, I’m so glad to have found a community of people who encourage the allowance of freedom in their children’s lives. I come from an uber-paranoid mother, a victim of the 1980’s child-abduction hysteria the media created. To this day she tells me to be on the watch out for “perverts” and worries if I join her at a restaurant for dinner without bringing a sweater (it might be chilly!). I feared I would end up equally as paranoid and over-protective as she. However I am now energized and determined to let my kids have the freedom to explore their world without have a mental breakdown every time they step out of my sight. Thanks for the encouragement!
I am not sure why this concept is being perceived as so revolutionary. A few random examples of overzealous child protection services and law enforcement does not mean that the entire society is seized with fear for letting our children our of sight. Giving it a zippy title- “Free Range Kids” does not make it any more of a cutting edge idea. While I agree with the philosophy myself, I find this website to be an exercise in self-congratulatory rhetoric for a group of like-minded individuals who feel superior to other parents who may disagree with the platform. I have noticed that most people who have left a comment of dissent have been challenged- even though the site host specifically requested comments “For OR Against”. Go on patting yourselves on the back for your brilliance as parent for making the radical choice to let your child ride their bike around the corner and out of sight. I was hoping to learn something new here- clearly I got the wrong impression about this site.
I thought you’d be interested in the sites of two ULTIMATE Free-Range Kids:
Zac Sunderland, and Mike Perham, two seventeen year olds who are sailing around the world on two separate trips!
http://www.zacsunderland.com
http://www.totallymoney.com/sailmike/
Go for it!
My theory is that there is a one-generation lag between perception and reality of kids’ safety. My sisters and I walked alone to elementary school, and took the subway beginning in middle school. And this was back in the 1970s era of urban despair. My parents didnt’ think twice about this, since their perception was that the city was a safe place for kids to travel around.
Crime is far lower now than it was then, but parents today are influenced by the image, either experienced first -hand or via the media, of crime, abduction, etc.
Anyway, my kids travel alone by foot, bike, bus or subway to school, friends’ houses, movies, etc. The idea that this is somehow controversial is bizarre to me.
James and Monique, you have not been detained and berated in front of your kids by young police who do not understand how very low the risk of stranger abduction is. This is definitely a battle and we are loosing.
Believe it, this IS revolutionary. Police are arresting mothers for doing these very things. Like letting their kids walk to the park. Letting two capable 9 year olds wait 5 minutes in an unlocked car in front of a shop to finish eating their lunch, I nearly went to jail. No the windows weren’t up and the doors weren’t locked. no there was no hill for the car to roll down, no the car was not left running for a thief to steal. (It is very difficult to hot wire such a modern car.) Laws intended to protect kids are being manipulated into use by overzealous people to restrict our kids freedom. You may find yourself in a jail for this. What we really need is an awareness campaign to enlighten the law enforcement agencies about the limits of the reckless child endangerment laws and how they can REALLY help keep kids safe; by supporting them.
As a young adult, raised as a free range child for half my childhood, I am strongly for Free Range Parenting. Growing up for many of my early years I lived on a farm house on the edge of a middle-class town and my mother was very protective, but yet I was also allowed to enjoy myself on our property and was also a boy scout. Then we moved to England when I was 12 and that was when I was allowed to explore our new country of residence. I was allowed to take public transportation, be out in the village with friends until my curfew of ten, and I was allowed to hang out with friends my mother had never met before. She believed in my ability to reasonably decide what was right and wrong, and I have to thank her so very much for allowing to live “free range”. When we moved back to the states after a few years in England I felt more adjusted to being able to take care of myself and then after a few years I went to college. At college I felt that I was better able to control myself then other students that had never had any freedom. Free Range Parenting has long-term benefits that greatly benefit the children of today, and for the society as a whole.
I am all for giving your child responsibility and limited freedoms. However, I believe that some are taking this just a bit to the extreme.
There is a difference between instilling confidence and just plain risky behavior. (For instance: allowing your, admittedly, LD child to find their own way home in NYC.)
For those who think that the statistics are overrated for child abduction, you are fooling yourself.
Your neighborhood may have never had an incident. Great. All neighborhoods were incident free, until the first one happened. Having dealt with a predatory pedophile, I can assure you. Your “safe” neighborhoods are their hunting grounds of choice.
So, I guess that I am saying, don’t lock up your children. But, don’t let them too far out of your control either.
I love you Lenore. You are my hero and I wish you were a mom at my school. I just had a big fight with another mom/friend whose children are friends with my children. I have 3 kids (6, 4 and 2) and she has two kids (5 and 4). We were all outside my house talking and the kids were all playing in the front yard when one of the kids noticed a neighbour 3 doors down had thier water sprinkler on. The girls went running (all three houses) to the water sprinkler. My friend freaked. I mean freaked. “Get back here RIGHT NOW!” “YOU ARE TOO FAR!!” Now, we live in the city of Toronto, so I can assure you that our houses are almost STACKED on top of each other, so in reality the kids were about 30 feet away – in full view of us two moms. Not to mention that the neighbour lawn that they were playing on in a retired teacher and we have known her well for 5 years. I said that the kids were fine and that they were just curious about the sprikler and having fun!! Nothing could happen as we were both watching them in full view. She was out of her mind with worry and said “you NEVER know. You NEVER know.” Then she said something that blew me away. She said, “Do you know that everyone on this street is watching us and everyone thinks we are bad moms! I’m serious, anyone watching this would say we are bad moms.” And with that she walked 30 seconds down the street and “rescued” her children. They then spent the next 5 minutes watching my kids have fun frolicking in the sprinkler on a hot July evening. Her Poor kids.
Ed, exactly. The “safe” neighborhoods aren’t safe. I assume you’re referring to the sterile, quiet suburbs where you don’t see a soul on the street, just residential developments for miles. I’d be willing to bet that fewer snatching happen on busy city streets.
I was a free range child. My parents were so proud of their independent children. So proud to the do it ourselves abilities. They were so busy being proud, they didn’t listen when we told them about our struggles and what we faced. They played fast and lose with our childhood and we paid the price.
RiverRun, I hear what you’re saying and am sorry that your parents weren’t there for you. But the concepts of free range and listening to and being there for your children are not mutually exclusive. All parents, from helicopters to free rangers and in between, should be spending time with, being attentive to the needs of, listening to, and hopefully hearing their children. Not to do so is to fail as a parent, whether free range or not.
Very well said Yam. I was a free range parent and at times it was very difficult to maintain the balance of letting my children have their independence and opportunities to do things alone while staying close enough if they changed their minds. The first week my son walked to school with several friends at six, I was hiding behind bushes all along the way. When my daughter went to a camp eight hours away that she really wanted to go to but was also nervous about it, she knew that it was okay if she changed her mind, even as late as boarding the bus. I would have lost the money, but it was already spent for her, so in my mind it was her decision. She went and had a great time, but later shared that she got the courage to go because she knew she didn’t have to if she felt too scared. She knew I would love her just as much either way.
Wow, Helynna, powerful message. Speaking of camp, where do you come down in the cell-phones-at-camp debate? On the one hand, I admire that your daughter felt loved enough to “wimp out”, but on the other, are we raising a generation of wimps who can’t detach from their “electronic tit” for a few weeks?
Yam,
Goodness! I didn’t have to deal with the cell phone at camp, because we didn’t have them when my children were that age (only wealthy business execs had them), but my first inclination is that I would talk with my child, sharing what I thought as the benefits or detractions of having the cell phone at camp, providing camp didn’t have its own rules about it. I think it also takes modeling for them – going to the beach or park and leaving the phone in the car so that you are not interrupted in the time you are spending in nature with your child. I do wonder about the impact of all these babies and toddlers in strollers with the parent talking on the cell phone the entire time rather than talking with their child.
One of the gifts I give my children is that I do not answer my cell phone when I am with them. I may glance to see if it is my mother which they appreciate too, but I am letting them know by this act, that at 27 and 32, they are still the most important people in my life.
I am SO happy to have found you. You make me feel like I have permission to follow my own sense of what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to children being out on their own.
I’ve allowed my children to stay home alone for short periods of time starting when they were around nine years old. We had lessons on not opening the door for strangers and letting the phone go to the answering machine, and not once has this ever been an issue.
What I realized today, was that in feeling confident enough in my own children’s intelligence I felt more relaxed. My youngest will be nine next month. Next to our public swimming pool is a popular park, with a library building as well. Instead of making her sit through 45 minutes of her older siblings’ lesson, I allowed her to go to the park. It’s a busy park in the summer, plenty of kids and adults all playing well and safely.
She was able to tell me that she was to stay in the park itself, and while she told me “don’t talk to strangers”, I told her it was ok to talk, but NEVER to go, and what to do if someone were to pick her up and try to take her somewhere. I also assured her it would probably NEVER happen, but it’s always good to know what to do in a given situation. She ran off, happy as a clam, I was relaxed knowing she was a smart and thoughtful child, and when swimming was done, we all met up again and headed home.
It was freeing not only for HER, but also for ME.
Thank you. So much.
Laura, I like that rule re strangers: It’s OK to talk, never to go. I’d add: Give no information about yourself. This can be particularly hard for kids, since the first thing we ask each other is “What’s your name?” Also, our clothing often gives information about us, i.e., personalized clothing, jewelry, backpacks, nametags, camp and school t-shirts / uniforms, etc. I’ve read warnings to parents not to dress kids in personalized clothing. What do others think about this?
Yam, that’s a good point about the personalized clothing. My mother bought dd a wonderful pink backpack when she started kindergarten, with her name embroidered on the front. I loved it, but then a few months later when we were moving and she was taking her backpack on the plane (traveling alone), it occurred to me that it made me uncomfortable and I will never get one like that again. She did use it for 2 years, but it’s time for a new one now and I got one without her name… I just don’t like the idea of a stranger being able to address her by name and try to convince her that he/she knows who she is. I know, not likely to be a problem… way MORE likely that the name on her backpack prevented us from finding that she’d come home with a different little girls bag from school (there was at least one in the class that was identicle). Still, though. Expecially now that she’s a little older and will be getting more freedom (walking to school alone this year, going to friends houses on weekends, and she really wants to take the city bus alone), I’d rather not have her name visible.
I’m 23 and I feel like the protective leash my mother still puts around my neck is choking me to death. I can’t even go out without having to play 20 questions before going out the door, or defending my intended activities. I have no idea how I managed to still become independent and strong in person and character, but the fact that I am, combined with my mother’s paranoia that she presses onto me, has been, for the last several years, pushing me to the edge of my mental and emotional capacity. Parents, you are doing your kids a HUGE disservice by being Big Brotherly. Let them grow up and be healthy and independent. Don’t trap them in lives of fear. It’s is horrible for them psychologically, and will affect them into adulthood.
This spring I let my son ride the LIRR alone. As in Izzy’s case, a relative (my ex) was on the other side waiting in Penn Station. Moreover, my son is a tall 12 years old. I did my homework on the MTA website but found nothing about age limits. Since Metro North said eight was the cutoff, I thought we were fine. I armed my son with a cellphone and saw him off. Well wouldn’t you know, a conductor called the police and insisted on escorting my son — with the police — to his rendezvous location. The conductor told my ex the cutoff was 14. He refused to give his name. The police were sympathetic but did nothing. It sounds as if *nothing* has changed since 2008. Does the LIRR realize that the experience of being challenged by an authority figure and having the cops walk you through Penn Station to the stares of hundreds is quite threatening and traumatic all by itself???? Meanwhile I wrote LIRR customer service and confirmed the cutoff is *not* 14; they STILL do not have a policy regarding age (although they have no problem charging adult fares for children 12 and over). The final straw: I was advised to have my son carry a letter authorizing him to ride alone, so the next time I was on the train, I asked a conductor’s advice on the proper information to provide. His response? “Aw, you don’t really have to do that — the cutoff is 11.”
L.T., I applaud you for developing your own independence and strong character. Hopefully in time your mom will recognize the exeptional adult you are becoming. The hardest thing for me as a parent (my children are now 27 and 32), was having to watch their pain when they made bad decisions, and wishing I could fix things as easily as a kiss on a skinned knee. The thought of anything happening to my children is diffcult to bear, but I know they have their own lives to live, with highs and lows and mistakes just like mine. We moms just love our kids so much.
Meredith, this must go to the press. Document everything in chronological order with days, dates, and times. The LIRR knows who was on duty on each shift, so the conductor refusing not to give his name is bogus. Your story should make ’em squirm, and it’s worth exposing them even if the outcome is only that they extend kid fares to age 14. Make ’em squirm!
I have nothing profound to add. I am just another vote in favor of Lenore’s approach. I have been raising my kids as much as possible along these lines.
And I am not surprised at the backlash. We are a nation almost completely illiterate when it comes to risk-assessment.
I applaud you Leonore for your courage to speak out.
Yam Erez, I think a first name is fine. We all have them.
However, my mother taught us a password: if someone really and truly was there to get us because Mom or Dad couldn’t, well then they’d know the secret password, too. I still remember it and I’m 41 now. Of course, it was 1980 and she was being bombarded by the news of the times and got scared – hence the password, but she didn’t stop us from going out on our own.
wow! right on… time to get real about this and realize a 0.000001% risk is not a risk at all and those who think it is have some freaky whacked out just plain old odd control issues going on. i’m just saying…
I think there must be a happy medium. We do live in worry-ridden society and we pass on to our kids, whether passively or down right aggressively, all in an attempt to keep them safe. I am sad that my kids cannot have the age appropriate liberties that I had to explore their world, develop critical thinking skills when faced with decision they must make absent a lurking parent, and expand their imagination and creativity less the supervision of Fort Knox. Still, I worry.
There must be a middle ground. A place for parents like me who maybe aren’t by definition “free range” parents but perhaps are somewhere in the venue of “cage free” parents. Boundaries and supervision – yes. Prison sentence – no.
I’m not against allowing your children freedoms unless the child is put into an unnecessarily dangerous situation, such as alone at a theme park or water park or roaming areas where a child can get themselves into trouble “just being a child”. My only real problem is that a great many of the “free range” parents I have encountered only allow their child to roam freely simply to keep them out of their hair. The result of this is we now have way too many kids who have never really been parented, so they know nothing about self respect, self discipline, and respecting other’s property or person. If you are going to allow your child to roam freely, be prepared to deal with friends, neighbors and business establishments when they come to you to tell you your child has done some thing wrong. I have personally been dealing with unsupervised kids for several weeks now and have had to endure damaged plants and trees because they felt it was ok to run through my garden and climb my trees breaking large branches down as they saw fit, we have also had the same free range kids destroy our privacy fence by climbing on it and tearing down large sections (not just single boards). These kids have also injured one of our dogs by hitting it with a stick and throwing rocks at it while it was inside it’s privacy fenced yard. We cannot even put out our trash with out these kids dragging garbage all over the street and sidewalk. I’ve done my best to discuss my concerns with both parents only to be told “We do not raise our kids with rules”. They later went on to explain they believe in allowing their kids to live “free range” and with out their intervention. Is it fair to the rest of the world to suffer at the hands of your unsupervised, un-disciplined, “free range” kids simply so that you may have them out of your hair and can avoid the task of actually being a parent?
Mother Nature — The children you are dealing with don’t seem to be “free range” to me. They seem to be truants and in this case (and in my opinion), the police and/or children’s services need to be alerted to the situation. “Free range” does not equal “no rules and no discipline”.
@Mother Nature, it sounds like the kids in your neighborhood are just brats, not “free-range” (which I do understand are not mutually exclusive terms, but neither are they synonyms).
I’ve been leaning towards being a free-range parent since before I knew the term, and am slowly opening up more now that I have the benefit of hearing from so many other like-minded people. I have been saying for years, though, that I give my daughter a lot of freedom for her age, but then I also give her an equivalent high amount of responsibility. She’s not perfect, but she is not cruel, destructive, or disruptive… which is just about the opposite of what you’re describing! She can walk down to the bakery to get her own breakfast, and she can now walk to friends’ houses, with a possibility that she will take a bus by herself within the next year. Yet she is a contributing member of the household and her community… she is expected to look out for younger/smaller kids, she does around half the housework, she makes her own lunch for school. Free-range doesn’t mean “running loose with no rules and no accountability”, it means careful analysis of the real risk involved and being able to do things independantly when they are able, *not* only when they are 18.
FOX STL aired a show on this. I have three children – 16, 9 and 7 – all have been/are free-range children. I have never had one complaint about their behavior and/or activities. In fact, I have had compliments and even received a nice e-mail a couple weeks back from a parent that observed them at our city pool. My two youngest have clearly set rules and do check in at certain times each day with us. All of the boys have been drilled about the dangers they may encounter from drugs to snakes. All three of my children are exceptional students in school. I will add that the boys have a set list of chores and cannot leave on any day without having all completed. They are exceptional kids and I truly believe the freedom to roam has added to this!
I have four small boys, my oldest is 3 and they stair-step down 2, 1, and the baby is 7 months. For a long time I thought that kids should not be outside without an adult. I don’t know why I thought this, I just did. For that same amount of time my house was always a mess, kids like to play with things and love to make messes. In the last 3-4 months I have allowed my kids to play outside much more, without an adult. The oldest 2 have learned how to ride bikes (with training wheels) and the love playing out in their sandbox. We live right next to train tracks, and my kids have yet to want to play on them. They used to watch the train go by from the window, and now that they are outside a lot they run inside screaming when the train comes. I have never told them that trains are bad, but they have a natural instinct to think “That train is huge! It could hurt me.” The same is true if a car were to come racing through our back yard. (Like that could happen.) The play in the driveway, and sometimes crawl into my van. I have started locking the doors because they learned how to turn the key on, they have never started it but they have ran my battery dead several times. They are not allowed to play in the road, and they know not to. They do like to ride their bikes down the hill into the ditch though, and I am fine with this. I keep an eye on them, watch them through the windows, check on them every 10-15 minutes to make sure they are not doing anything dangerous, but they love playing outside and I don’t have time to spend every day all day outside (although I am a stay at home mom.) I have found that my house stays MUCH cleaner since I have started letting them do this. I would not go as far to say that they will be walking to the corner store any time soon, mostly because they can’t count money and the oldest is only 3, but we are going to be moving into town where there are sidewalks and I would easily let them ride their bikes to the corner and back. I would likely only do this if I was on my porch watching, again because the oldest is only 3 and 3 year-olds don’t always have the greatest judgment of what is safe. But yes, kids need freedom and need the chance to explore the world around them without being suffocated by their parents.
Growing up, I walked or rode my bike everywhere–to my friend’s houses, to the library downtown, to the pool, to school. My only rules were “don’t cross the highway” and “get home once the street lights come on” I was taught to have common sense and to use it. I was taught not to talk to strangers, and to carry a quarter to use the pay phone if there was an emergency. My parents allowed me to grow and explore and learn.
I don’t bubble wrap my son now that he is learning to walk. My two year old daughter can not only climb to the top of the big slide and go down it by herself, but she will climb up to it on the rock climbing wall side–by herself. My kids don’t wear shoes unless they want to, or we are going into a store or restaurant–that includes going barefoot to walk to the beach, out in the yard, or even at the playground. My kids go to the beach, they eat dirt, they get messy. Guess what, kids learn by doing.
In the fall of 1978, one year after the “Summer of Sam,” and the moment, unlike now, when crime rates really were up in the US, I started seventh grade at one of the most highly rated magnet schools in Manhattan, requiring me to make a 75 minute commute by bus and train from my home in Queens. I told my parents that if they paid for the private bus service that took a couple of other kids from our area to that school — something they could not afford — I would refuse to take it and get on public transportation anyway. Somehow I got away with this. There were never any significant risks involved in my attending this school, though of course I had a couple of minor altercations (yes, including two in six years on the subway) which I survived without difficulty. On the other hand, the wealth of opportunity and adventure I was afforded led me to an elite college, graduate school, and successful entrepreneurship.
I haven’t mentioned that I was then, and am still now, a small person — not tiny, but noticably shorter than average. This story has nothing to do with being physically tough, or being a boy rather than a girl.
I attribute both my current success, and my current happiness (which are themselves two different things), to the tolerance of my parents and to the quality of my junior high and high school.
I am now raising my five year old daughter in a very different situation — a town of 70,000 in the poorest area in California, where farming is the main source of jobs. I live in a big old house which I am restoring (“recycling”) in a Latino-majority, mixed-race working class neighborhood (ironically not that different from the one I grew up in — by the way, I am white) where I know all the other parents (including which ones have spent time in prison, etc.). As a result of knowing my neighbors, I have easy access to assistance with the plumbing, in exchange for helping everyone else with their computers and internet connections. I also have been known to provide a bank of last resort, sometimes needed by my neighbors on the 29th of the month. My daughter moves freely from house to house on our block, and it is not unusual for there to be five or six kids at my house, eating nutritious snacks, in the late afternoons.
I look forward to the day, not too far off, when she walks to school alone or with friends instead of with me and my wife, and the day perhaps a little longer off, when she makes out with whoever she makes out with in the greenway along Bear Creek, as I did in Central Park in the early 1980s.
There is risk in all lives. I’ve actually lived a much riskier one then most, and not primarily because I took the subway to high school. If my daughter continues to live as I have, there is a chance she will fall, and we will all figure out how to live with the consequences.
There is no other life worth living. It is not the people who fail who regret their lives, but the people who never tried.
I just finished your book and loved every word–well, of course, I agreed with it!! I am a kindergarten teacher and mother of 3 kids. (ages 13yrs, 11yrs, and 7yrs.) I have always encouraged them to do things independently or at least give tasks a try! (Our mantra is “Don’t say I can’t–say I’ll try!”) My kindergartyen classroom includes old-fashioned real “play” everyday and my students are still high achievers! I am running out right away to buy this book and add it to the collection of books that I can recommend to others.
One small observation: Do you note that those who are against this idea and express their opposition almost certainly do so in abusive terms?
One wonders how “safe” their kids are from them, given that their first reaction is the attempted emotional abuse of perfect strangers. They have ensured their children have no option, no safe contacts, no reality checks, no other adults to appeal to…
hm.
Oh, you might wish to google Authoritarian Personality. It adds a great deal of perspective to the “thinking,” so to speak, behind the current climate of reflexive paranoia.
Lenore, I just finished reading your book about a week ago. I loved it! I’m a 63 year old man who has been teaching for 38 years, and 22 of these years has been in First Grade. You have said everything I have been trying to say for decades…thanks! I am constantly after the parents of my kids to slow down, relax, and actually enjoy their kids. It ain’t easy! I’m old enough to have some ‘weight’ with some of the parents and they actually do listen. I require my parents to come to Parent Gatherings during the year so we can just sit around and talk about kids in First Grade and what they’re like and what they are learning (and not just reading and math). Your book and your website will definitely be required for the next set of parents. Again, thanks so much for all that you are doing. You are my hero!
L.T. – Tell your mother to butt out or she will never see her grandchildren. Her attitude will change.
I am the mother of a three year old, and I want her to be a free range kid. I am a product of overprotective mothering and in the long run my mother’s overprotective behavior has been the source of my depression and anxiety. So in recognizing this problem my mom had, I decided that I wasn’t going to to do same thing to my child. Bravo, Lenore!
BOB KING:
We parents that oppose this ridiculous form of “parenting” tend to “do so in abrasive terms”as you put it because we are on the other end of your lack of parenting! And, the ‘for’ parents aren’t very ‘sweet’ on our opinions, either. Quite defensive, actually.
Read the previous blogs. We’re tired of picking up your slack when it comes to the raising of your children. It is so much easier to set your kids free instead of monitoring their where-a-bouts and their well being.
I live it everyday….just like every summer in my neighbourhood! Guess how many kids didn’t eat all day yesterday (until I fed them lunch….again). Then comes the snacks and the drinks…same thing everyday! Where are their parents? They’re out playing darts or baseball or “I have a job” attitude is always fun to hear! Like your job comes before your children….dah.
ED:
The advice you gave to LT is very immature and I’m sure that her parents had to have something to do with her becoming ” independent and strong in person and in character”.
I OPPOSE this Free-range absurdity. Keep our children safe and raise your own kid! Don’t you want them to follow your morals and virtues. If you don’t take the time to hand them down, then they have to find their own or even worse, someone else’s.
“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” Martin Luther King Jr
I live in a typical residential subdivision with my seven-year-old son. I honestly cannot remember ever seeing any kids riding their bikes or walking around the neighborhood in the 3+ years we’ve been living here. Everyone stays on their own block or in their own cul-de-sac.
Not anymore. I’m making it my goal to change that sad fact. By the time I was seven, I had explored my entire neighborhood and the nearby woods and creek. I carried my own money and spent it on candy and trading cards at one of the stores up the street (and I walked there without my parents). And so did every other kid in my neighborhood!
So yesterday I decided it’s time for my son to start doing the same kinds of things I did when I was that age. When I got home from work, I told him he could ride his bike all the way around the block by himself. That may not seem like a big deal (because it’s not), but none of our neighbors had ever let their kids do that. So off he went. And guess what? He made it back! Same goes for the three subsequent trips he made. I made it clear that he needs to tell us before he sets off on an adventure around the neighborhood, but no longer will he be constrained to our isolated cul-de-sac. With any luck it will rub off on the other parents in the neighborhood.
And because that went so well, I also let him make his own oatmeal, which may sound really lame until you realize that it means using the microwave. Microwaves didn’t even exist when I was seven, so in a way my son is even more independent than I was at his age.
I just got your book and am reading it now on vacation. It is sort of a vacation. We are in Dallas and my husband is working while I take the kids to loads of fun places and visit their cousins who live here.
So here is where we went all free range:
My husbands iPhone died today. Absolutely died! He needs it. He makes his money and supports our family by people being able to call him. It was a phone emergency. In a strange city, in a hotel, I left my sleeping 19 month old with my extreamly competent 10 1/2 year old for about an hour, maybe longer, to take the phone to the local Apple store to have it repaired. I took my middle two children with me. Mostly because I am afraid they may kill each other. The baby did wake up. The older sibling changed her diaper and played with her till I got back. She even managed to change her own clothes and pack for the pool at an aunts house…all while taking excelent care of her toddling sister! My oldest felt proud and capable. She helped me out tremendously because napping is very important to this particular child. Thankyou so much for giving me the courage to let my child be the responsible individual God created her to be.
Love this site! I found it while looking for opinions about leaving children home alone. I have an 8 year old and would like to leave her about for two hours. She is very mature and responsible – I never have to tell her to do anything more than once. Even as a toddler, if I told her something was dangerous, she believed me and didn’t try it. Still, she is not overly cautious. She likes to be independent and is totally comfortable with the idea.
But here’s the thing – even though I know that nothing is likely to happen, I cannot help but think about what could happen. I know that she would never set the building on fire, but what if someone else did and she couldn’t get out in time because she didn’t have help? I ask myself whether I would be able to live with myself if something happened to her because she was unsupervised. How do other parents deal with this?
On the other hand, I think it’s so important to give kids a little bit of freedom. How are they ever supposed to learn to be independent or have confidence in their abilities to be independent if we never give them any freedom?
For the parents that are eager to leave their child home alone before the age of 12yrs…..I don’t know about where you live. But, in my community….it’s illegal to leave a child under 12 yrs of age alone for ANY amount of time. Even once they turn 12 yrs old, they can only be left alone for one hour max.
Needless to say, it’s illegal to leave a child under 13 yrs old alone AND be baby sitting a younger child. Sibling or not. Here, they can’t legally baby sit until they are 13 yrs old.
Check it out! Laws are made for a reason. Don’t find out the hard way.
Just FYI–and as a paralegal–many states do NOT have laws that set the age a child can be left alone at home. My state of Connecticut, for example, does NOT. They do, however, have “guidelines” (see http://www.ct.gov/dcf/lib/dcf/child_welfare_services/pdf/leaving_your_child_alone.pdf), where they cite “experts” that believe the minimum to be left alone is 12, with 15 being babysitting age.
While my granddaughter (age 8) is a very “grown up” age 8, her mother and I would not leave her at home alone for probably more than 15-20 minutes–reason being that she DOES get scared…not that she cannot entertain herself for an hour or be a responsible child.
Yes, laws are made for a reason (usually because of abuse by the few that equate to laws for the remainder!). However, NOT ALL STATES HAVE LAWS for leaving children alone at home. Of course (and I haven’t checked it), but I believe ALL states have laws about leaving children alone in cars. My state does because we have 2 casinos here and parent who didn’t deserve children were leaving the children in the cars in the parking garages while they gambled!! Face it, some parents are just idiots.
Mary, do a “fire drill” (tornado drill, any other kind of emergency you choose) with your daughter. Role-play various scenarios ’til you’re satisfied she knows how to react. Eight-year-olds can be quite resourceful.
I am so glad that I came across your site.
I grew up a “free range kid”.
I’m 25 and I have a 4 year old son. Granted I don’t let him roam our rural “neighborhood”, I let him go off an play by himself at the park. I’m still at the park, but I’m not always within 3 feet. One reason why I like to stay within earshot, is because he is as tall as some of the 6 and 7 year olds. He’s met a few bullies and really bad kids, so I like to try and be able to keep an ear out… oh and he’s 4. His father is a lot better at letting him be free range than I am.
I let him play out in the yard by himself, and have let him walk to his grandparents house. It’s across the road, but about 2 houses up. I help him cross the road. Baby steps for me right?
Either way, I am glad that there are other parents/people who think it’s normal. Most people freak and tell me that I am too laid back.
Thanks for the suggestions, Yam. We talked a bit about some of those things yesterday and she had good responses and even came up with a few possible emergencies of her own. She told me today that she really wanted to try staying by herself and when I asked her why, she said, “I would be really proud of myself for being independent.” I thought that was a good answer!
For Fini – In my state, there is no law that addresses this issue,.but the dept of children’s service recommends 10 as the minimum age.
Fini, there isn’t a law in Oregon, either, but if something does happen, it could be a parent could be charged with negligence if the child is deemed not old enough/experienced enough/mature enough to have stopped whatever happened, or not had it happen at all (think playing with matches and burning the house down.)
Mary, this reminds of a game I used to play with my kids in the car that I called Emergency / not an emergency. I’d make up events like, “Your hair’s on fire: Emergency / not an emergency”? OR “Your Barbie’s head comes off: Emergency / not an emergency”? And they’d have to tell me which, and why. Trying to teach them perspective.
My brothers and I were allowed to grow up free range and we loved it. We played in the woods, rode the city bus and rode our bikes everywhere. We also were trained to look out for each other and are still close in our adulthood. I also traveled abroad when I was sixteen and went to college when I was eighteen without my parents. I don’t have kids, but people freak out that I let my cat outside, seriously, my cat. Seriously, you know society is wrong when the children and animals are locked up.
Mary, fear of “what if there is a fire” has been the most frequent comment I’ve gotten about leaving my 7 yr old home alone. So I asked her: what would you do if there were a fire.
“I would run out of the house as fast as I could and go to a neighbor’s house and call 9-1-1”.
I had to laugh, because for all of my worry, that is exactly what *I* would do if there were a fire. Now when friends ask me “what if there’s a fire” upon hearing that I trust her at home alone for short times, I ask them what they would do, and then tell them that she gave exactly the same answer. I then remind them that *most* of the time, houses don’t spontaneously combust, and my kid isn’t allowed to use the stove when I’m not home, or play with matches ever.
Fini: free-range has nothing to do with parents not teaching their kids values, or not providing them with adequate food. It’s more like: does a parent need to make their kid lunch every day, or have food in the house and have empowered them to make their own sandwich? Are you assuming that these parents are expecting you to supervise their kids, or do they trust their kids to supervise themselves, and the kids are coming to your house for lunch because they have learned that you’ll feed them, and they won’t have to go through the effort of making their own lunch? Why do you need to provide them with drinks? Is the faucet at their own houses broken?
You also imply that there is something wrong with parents going to their jobs. Of course, NO, the job is not more important than the kids… but the job is probably what keeps the kids fed, clothed, and with a roof over their heads. My job is far from the most important thing in my life… my daughter, my volunteer work, and my friends are the top 3. Part of putting my daughter’s needs first is taking as many opportunities as possible to help her take steps towards being independant. Also: letting them go places on their own (free-range) is not the same as neglecting kids and not knowing where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re spending their time with… that’s what you seem to think free-range means.
THANK GOD there are other people out there that are teaching their children to be RESPONSIBLE!!! I thought that I was the only one! I am tired of coworkers, family members, neighbors, etc chastizing me for allowing me (now) 12 year old to do things that others were not allowed to do. He has been staying home alone during the summer for the past 2 years (this is the 3rd summer)…he has a chore list that he has to do ever weekday before being allowed to go outside to play with friends. This year he is allowed to go further than he was allowed in past years and I have to know where he is headed (he will send me a text) but he is allowed to go. He is a VERY responsible 12 year old. He has been taught manners and responsibility since day one. I have had other parents and teachers comment on how polite and well behaved he is. My coworkers think I am horrible for allowing him to stay home alone all summer…saying that I should have him in a summer program of some sort. And even worse…think it is a crime that I make him do chores!!! OHHH…THE HORROR!!!
My son will know how to clean a bathroom and mop a floor and dust and will know how to take out trash and empty a dishwasher. (no he doesn’t do all of this in one day.hahaha…I am not that mean!) He will also know how to make himself a simple meal…he can fry an egg and make grilled cheese and ham and he knows how to use a microwave properly. He knows how to answer a phone properly and how NOT to answer the door and how to deal or NOT to deal with strangers. I think that I am raising a well rounded “free flying kid” and I really don’t care what anyone else thinks!
Just wanted to add…that I found out about this web site aand about this topic in a great article in South Jersey Magazine Volume 6 Issue 5 that arrived in my mail today. The article is titled Home on the (Free) Range by Jayne Jacova Feld
http://www.SouthJersey.com
Ro, how many Carolyn Hax columns are essentially about husbands who don’t do their share of the housework. Could it possibly be because mothers of boys don’t expect them to? Good news: Your daughter-in-law will thank you. Good going.
I think what you are doing is great! My son turned 12 this summer and has had a bus pass. He has become so independant. We only have 5 lines in our town so he has gotten to know all the bus drivers. Without his pass he would have missed many baseball practices. (Many of the other parents were wishing theirs would be more independant and take some of the burden of time retraints off them.) I was able to leave work and go see him play many games without the worry of getting him there.
Interesting. Not sure if this qualifies as a movement or just a school of thinking about parenting, but I find myself somewhere in the middle. I am a child of the “back to school specials”era, and can be a nervous wreck about things, but my boys (5 and 7) spend a lot of time outside (with and without me) and I believe that good and effective parenting does require us to get the occassional grip! I’ll be back to read more…
Count me in as a big “For.” I wrote this blog entry http://pickapoison.wordpress.com/2009/07/29/when-will-the-child-abduction-hysteria-stop/ just the other day and a reader gave me a tip to Google your name, which led me here.
I hope this movement does catch on. I believe there’s a lot at stake, both in terms of health and socialization/community.
I just read the article about you in the Yale Alumni Mag and I’m frankly puzzled by all the hoopla, so here are a few stories/comments. I’m the mother of 4 boys and I just “knew” when each of them was ready to take the next step towards independence; they each had their own schedule. Here’s one story:
When #3 son Miles was 9, he wanted to learn to white water kayak. I’m a kayaker, so I put him in the boat in flat water and told him the first thing he needed to learn was to get out of his kayak if he tipped over. (For those of you not familiar with ww kayaks, there is a spray skirt that pulls tight over the cockpit and, if you roll over, it holds you into the kayak so water doesn’t get into the boat. Eventually, you learn to roll back up again without leaving the boat, but a beginner needs to know how to get out of the boat and swim to safety.) The first few times you go underwater can be terrifying because you are trapped and most children aren’t comfortable with this until their teens (if ever). I figured my son would try it once and decide it wasn’t for him. I was wrong. He went under, calmly pulled his spray skirt, swam up, and wanted to do it again. By age 11, he wanted to kayak all summer, so I looked around for programs that would take an 11 year old. There wasn’t a single one in America! Then a program on the Ottawa River in Canada was recommended to me and I called the director. He told me that he’d found that a love of kayaking brings the kids together and if I was comfortable with it, to send him on up. He’d be a lot younger than the other kids but the director promised to personally look out for him. So my little Miles, aged 11, went off to Canada to kayak with 15-18 year olds. His experience was life-changing. He came home more confident, more mature, and committed to being a kayaker. He’d found a passion. As I write this, Miles is in Canada for the summer. He’s just turned 14 and is still the youngest kid in the program, but he’s becoming a world-class kayaker. What if I hadn’t taken the risk? would he have found another passion? Perhaps,l but most likely not.
I’m often asked how I can let my child participate in such a “dangerous” sport. I tell them it’s only dangerous if you take unnecessary risks or put yourself in a dangerous situation you can’t handle. Miles has his swift water rescue certification, as well the Red Cross emergency first aid and CPR certification, and everyone he kayaks with does as well. They recognize nasty situations when they see them and they are supervised by some of the world’s best kayakers. I feel completely comfortable leaving my son in their hands AND I feel completely putting myself in Miles’ hands when we kayak together. He likes to lead me down rapids I know I’ll get trashed in, but he’s never let me get hurt.
I’m all for free-range. I was one of the original “latch-key kids” (as we were called, in the early 70s; ) . In the 1970s I took public transportation (a city bus) from metro Boston to a suburb of the city, and let myself into my house until Mom came home from work.
As an adult, I have experienced child-rearing in both a suburban city environment (metro boston) and a university town one ((take your pick of R1 university towns). My kids were 11 and 7 when we made that move from urban to college town. I’m thrilled to be able to be now raising my kids in a place where it is safe for them to ride their bikes down the street to their friends’ houses. I would never move back to a place where my kids couldnt be free range.
However, I think the whole “free-range” vs “not” is in some ways related to the environment. When the street in which you are raising your children is not subject to random gun-shots or abductions, then sure, free range is great. But not everyone lives there. So judgments about the concerns “other” people have can in all honestly be self-serving and simply reflective of the opportunities one is priveleged enough to have (ie, upper middle class settings). My best friend, raising a 3-year old in Manhattan, has amazing opportunities at her fingertips that i do not, but simultaneously cannot let her chlld range freely like I can. Can we put a value judgment on that “trade-off”? Is it necessary to do so? Why cant we just raise our own kids as we see fit, and leave the others to do the same thing?
I guess what I’m saying is that while I agree with the philosophy, I believe that philosophy is largely contextually-governed. As with so many other things (the notorious “mommy wars” between working and stay-at-home moms) we set up a straw man engineered to divide us, rather than to understand the nuanced differences that control our lives.
Just a thought.
Drusilla –
I would not agree that whitewater kayaking is not dangerous or that ” it’s only dangerous if you take unnecessary risks or put yourself in a dangerous situation you can’t handle” – rivers are unpredictable and a situation can suddenly transform into something that an individual can’t handle. (though I don’t know that it’s more dangerous than a lot of other sports).
I don’t mean to say that I think it’s a bad idea to let your son participate – if he’s passionate about it and you think he’s mature enough to handle it, I think it’s great – but to me, that means it’s worth taking accepting some risk, not that the risk can really be eliminated, no matter how mature he is.
In response to Drusilla with the kayaking son. He is lucky to have parents like you, because you have provided him with the unique opportunity to gain extra hours and hours of practice at something he is totally passionate about. Do you know that Bill Gates started programming at 12 years old? In Malcolm Gladwell’s book he talks a lot about the intersection of opportunity with ability and interest but the essential ingredient is the opportunity to practice. Gladwell says that it takes 10,000 hours of doing something to become an expert. You have give your son those extra hours in his life to become an expert.
spotKitten, the problem is that we perceive areas where wealthier folks live (i.e., quiet, sterile suburbs) to be safer, when actually Manhattan is probably safer because…there are actually PEOPLE ON THE STREETS. Think about it: Where would a predator cruising in a darkened-window van be more likely to successfully snatch a kid: Five Towns, or Manhattan?
In response to Mary, I did not mean to say that kayaking is not dangerous, just no more dangerous than many other things we do every day. It’s dangerous to cross Flatbush Ave. in Brooklyn but I do it every day. I just make sure to obey traffic signs and watch for oncoming cars. This doesn’t mean some crackpot won’t barrel through a red light and mow me down.
This is way I see it: Risk without knowledge is dangerous. Knowledge without risk is useless.
THANK YOU FOR THIS GREAT BOOK!! I am only half way through your book and I really can relate to it. Having four kids, I feel like society has created an insane system where in order to raise them “right”, we need a 1:1 ratio for parenting, or we aren’t doing it well! I keep telling my husband that it seems like we are raising our children as if they are royalty! We seem to be preparing them for nothing but the top jobs (Kings, Queens and such!) And we all know there aren’t too many of those slots – what will the rest of the kids do?? I have completely started to do what me mother has told me all along – stop treating them like babies! It is a freeing experience, especially as they learn to become responsible and think for themselves. I think this book is the beginning of a movement in parenting!! Thanks!!
I LOVE Free Range!!
All 4 of my kids are/were free range kids! and they range in age from 24 to 10.
Friends and family are always complaining they have to entertain there kids on weekends and days off school, where as mine can happily entertain themselfs, they build cubby houses (and yes they have had the odd blue fnger after hitting it with a hammer!)
The other day I had a conversation with my 24y old who told me that thanks to being able to learn from her own mistakes ($900 ph bill in 1 month when she turned 18, which we made her pay from her own money!) she can handle life on her own much better then her mollycoddled friends. My 17y old moved out 6 months ago with a friend to a larger city an hour from us, and she is able to cook her own meals etc because we were happy to let her learn this at home from a young age, where as the 2 friends she is living with had no idea how to use a washing machine, let alone how to cook a meal or even how to get from A to B, which my daughter has been doing since she was 13 ( which is when she went to Melbourne for the first time on her own, a 5h round trip)
I just love this site. I agree completely that we need to start letting our kids be kids. I don’t want my kids to think that they have to be afraid all the time.
I was a free range kid, and my kids will be to.
I’m only 20 years old (and married), and with no children. However, I support the idea of Free Range kids. I remember making my own meals, staying at home or in the car by myself while my parents ran errands, and walking or biking to and from school starting with second grade. I feel like my childhood better prepared me for making my own way in the real world because I was allowed the freedom to forge my own way as a child.
I just returned from a trip overseas and was saddened to see how much we tout “safety” as a substitute for common sense. Airline security regulations are a joke in the U.S…I don’t feel safer on the plane because the guy in front of me had to take off his shoes to ensure he didn’t have a shoe bomb, nor do I think it is acceptable to try to convince the woman next to me that they need to open her several thousand dollar violin to check it for contraband.
The worst, though, was seeing 12-16 year olds with those stupid huge neck baggies being led to the plane by an escort, as though they were deaf, dumb, and blind. They are CLEARLY old enough to correctly identify the gate number and boarding time on their ticket, locate the gate, and board the plane, not to mention find their way to where they need to be once the plane lands. It was embarrassing for the kids and quite frankly it disgusted me. I flew on a plane when I was 7 years old without any sort of escort, was greeted when I arrived at the gate by my uncle, and I even came up with the idea of a “security word” in case someone other than my uncle had come to pick me up. If they didn’t know the word I wouldn’t go with them. Hell, I think I was more concerned about my own safety than anyone else was! It’s disgusting how rules and regulations make children look, feel, and behave like toddlers when they should be learning to behave like adults.
ProgressBoink: Perhaps this is why there are so many “children” still living at home when they are 22 and up! I have a friend whose children graduated from college and promptly moved in…they are still there at ages 29 and 32! The mother states, “It’s tough out there.” Wow…yes, it was tough for me as well when I left home at the age of 17, but what doesn’t kill them makes them stronger, trust me! I’m always asking my friend, “When are you going to stop breastfeeding them?”
I am a primary caregiver for my nephew and I love this blog! I am always so proud of how resilient, brave and ingenious my little guy is. I am proud that he can entertain himself and when he falls and bangs his knee, he bounces right back up to play again. I grew up in the country with my mom sending me out to play in the morning with a PB&J and not expecting to see me again until dinner, so your advice is like coming home for me. My brother-in-law is the exact opposite of me, though, total helicopter parent and worry wart. This blog gives him hives, but he gets better every week, seeing that his son is brave and capable and nothing bad is going to happen to him. Thank you for being a tempered voice in the tempest of fear. 😀
I’am SO for Free range kids. Its so nice to see other parents who feel the same. I cant tell you how many comments or looks I would get from neighbors because I would allow my children ( 19,13,11,9,6,4,2) to go outside ALONE , play in the woods,the creek, ride bikes, take a walk to the park…..100% of the time they would be with another sibling. I know their views were because of the size of our family we just let them do whatever….when that is SO not the case. To many parents want to control EVERYTHING….kids need space to grow. We are responsible parent, with well mannered children, They know the rules…I’am proud to be able to let them grow as children should and experiance the things we did as kids without having a parent there to entertain them 24/7. I kid you not when my daughter 12 years old at the time was invited to go over a friend in the neighborhoods home……the girl lived 8 homes up the street….in a very quiet town, I had told my daughter what time she needed to be home and she had told her friend she would be up in a minute……well seconds later the mom called saying she would pick her up as it is not fair to let her walk…and understands because I’am busy with the younger kids……WTH!!! It was not becuase of trying to get out with the younger kids….Lady we live in the same neigborhood….the child is 12…..she has legs!!! I was just floored at how over the top she was.
I dont believe it is an age thing either…..I think it all depends on the child….and paying attention to your child as an individual .
My husband and I vowed not to raide our kids in bubble wrap. We want our children to learn to make decisions and choices, discoveries and mistakes!!
Our kids are little still 5, 3, and almost 2, so we havent been tested as such, but i will not become their entertainment committee. I want them to have freedom, and fun, and not to have a scheduled life.
The 2 older ones are boys, and they cam across worms and bugs just the other day, and spent hours analyzing them, and frying them with a magnifying glass, and catching them.
Does summer with boys rolled in dirt playing with worms, get any better?
That is awesome!!! Summer+kids+dirt+bugs = priceless fun!!!!
I love that ….its absolutley what kids should be doing…..getting dirty..playing outside exploring 🙂
I was born in 1964. I was FREE! We had rules of course but I can remember as far back as kindergarten walking myself to school. I remember my friend and I walked to the grocery store alone. It was over a mile away. We were in K or 1st grade. I remember this because we moved in 2nd grade.
Once in my new home I remember riding my bike over 1 1/2 miles to a new friends house. Sometimes we would walk to school, and we always walked to the bus stop alone. We were never dropped off or picked up at school.
In 6th grade we would take public transportation to the Mall and shop all day. In 7th and 8th we would take the same bus to the BART Station (it’s Bay Area Subway), then we would get off and walk over a mile to the movie theater. Then return.
When did we become a society that wrapped our children in gauze. It’s not that we love our kids more then our parents did. There is not someone lurking around every corner waiting to do us harm. Why do we think there is? Why are we like this.
I had forgotten about this until I hard a interview on Manic Mommies. And I realized what I was doing. Why am I so scared to let my 13 year old daughter go out on her own? I have started to give her the freedom and trust she deserves. My older daughter was never a “hanger outer” with friends so I never needed to consider what I was doing, but now my younger one is more social.
Rules have been laid now, times have been agreeded upon. Now we need to trust each other. And the world around us.
Claudia,
I agree. The above-mentioned uncle who picked me up from the airport when I was seven is still living at home with his parents…at age 58! His mother never let go so he never left.
I moved out at 18 and two years later I am still attending a quite good, albiet expensive, college and paying for it myself (as is my husband…same college, actually). We are able to meet all our bills, including two credit cards and a car payment, as well as loan payments for our school loans. Necessary evils, yes, but ones we can handle.
Our friends scoffed when we spent money on furniture, guns, and kitchen appliances. They don’t understand. They asked why we couldn’t just throw a mattress on the floor and eat Easy Mac and Ramen like they do, and what in the hell do we need guns for? Well, we are a family now. We can afford to live better than the typical college student can, so we do. We want guns for recreation, hunting, and personal defense. We need the appliances so we can cook our own meals instead of eating out. We don’t have high-paying jobs and we have to work around our school schedule, but we still somehow manage to survive and live comfortably.
If we both hadn’t been raised as Free Range kids (before the idea had a name, and it was simply the norm) I am sure we wouldn’t have made it more than a couple months outside our parent’s homes…geez, we probably wouldn’t even have gotten married! Because we learned early on to make our own decisions and be responsible for ourselves, we are happy functional adults who can take care of themselves. How often do you see that nowadays?
Progressboink: RIGHT ON! (Now I’m giving away my age, LOL!)
I recall in my early days, asking my family to co-sign so I could purchase a $200 car to get to work–and they all said no. So I found other means of getting it–I walked down to a local photography studio and told them I could type 105 wpm (I could) and would they please give me a job typing up envelopes or letters that were going out. I was so desperate I convinced them to pay me a whole $2.50/hour! And I WALKED there–it was only 2 miles, but in Wisconsin in the winter…well, you know! I also had a job at a company across the street from where I was living, so I didn’t need a car for that. Between the 2 jobs and RAISING A CHILD WHILE GOING TO SCHOOL NIGHTS, I got the $200 and bought the car–not the one I wanted because by the time I saved up, that one had been sold. Oh, well, right? We do what we have to and what we can! 58 and still at home–what a LEECH!!
Claudia, inspiring. Reminds me of my SIL’s friend, who studied nursing while raising two kids “with” a drunken husband who would occasionally inadvertently lock her and the kids out of the house! The human spirit is inspiring…
I think you are right on. I live i Denmark where it’s normal to let youre children go to school alone and take the bike over to a friends house.
I think that children that grow up with paranoid parents becomes insecure and afraid. Offcourse you have to think about safety, but teaching youre children independance is probably the best way to make sure that the child knows how to react in a potentiel dangerous situation. So for what it’s worth comming from DK – you just go on doing what you are doing!!!
I love this website!
No one is saying to just abandon your kids. The woman who had to feed the neighbor kids or they didn’t get lunch: that isn’t free-range. That’s neglect. To lump the two together is to say that accompanying your 8 year old to the park MEANS you are a helicopter parent.
Of COURSE some people take it too far. In either direction.
For my own childhood, my grandma (from MI) came and picked me up (in MO) and took me to her cottage from the time I was 3. Grandma did NOT shadow my every move. A 4, the rowboat was tied up to the dock, I put on my lifejacket, and paddled around by myself. Grandma did her own thing.
At 5, I walked a 1/2 mile up the lane to the mailbox on my own.
At 6, I rowed the boat 1/2 mile to the store to pick up the paper.
Every summer, I rambled around on my own. Declaring myself “bored” was not a choice. Grandma would FIND something for me to do. I built fairy houses. I climbed trees. I fished. I explored.
Happiest times of my life.
With my own children, I let the 4 and 3 y/o outside on their own. I check on them every 5 minutes or so. We’re aren’t rural – we’re in a small town, right near a city. They climb the monkey bars. They swing. They play in our wading pool. More often than not, their 17 month old little brother follows them out. And I let him.
They know their boundaries. They know the consequences for breaking them.
Sure, the little one doesn’t understand yet. But the big kids watch out for him. No, they aren’t RESPONSIBLE for him. But believe me, they WILL tattle on him. 😉
I don’t hover over my kids in the bathtub. I stick them in, and check my email or clean the kitchen or pick out their jammies. I’m not more than 15 feet away. And they are FINE.
Starting last summer, at 3 and 2, they had sleepovers with the neighbors (their kids were 3 and 1). This spring, my 4 y/o woke up before the neighbors. She decided to come home and had to slip under their garage door which was broken and stopped 1.5 feet above the ground.
My 4 y/o knows her phone number and her address. She knows to call 911 in an emergency. They know where to go if there is a fire. (I just asked and they yelled, “to the pine tree!”).
We talk about how to be safe and what are good/bad choices.
I let my kids DO things, but they aren’t “neglected.”
The only time my (now) 3 y/o son has had stitches was when he tripped over my husband’s feet and smacked his head into the rocking chair. Husband was THERE and couldn’t prevent it. My son has never gotten more than a bruise or scrape from his OWN antics.
Let ’em live. But TEACH them what to do, instead of FORBIDDING them from doing.
Hmmmm…as free-range thinking as I am (my manager used to call me the “liberal mother”), I don’t think I’d let children under 5 do all that. Just me–not a criticism!
When I was growing up, we lived on a lake. My mother ensured we took swimming lessons very early on so there wouldn’t be any “disasters.” Still…I was allowed to take the various boats out whenever I wanted. One day it was VERY hot out and I rowed to the middle of our lake (a HUGE lake, by the way). I had no water, and as I got hotter & hotter, I tried to row home because I knew I was in trouble (it never occurred to me to splash the cold lake water on myself!). They found me at the pier with my long hair hanging in the water with sun stroke. I was virtually unconscious for 3 days–in those days the doctor still came to your house! I never forgot that lesson, but ever since I cannot stand being in intense sun for more than 15-20 minutes. Things DO happen when you’re free-range. I didn’t die, but could have (lucky where they found me, I was in the shade of some huge oak trees along the shore!).
I do wish my parents had been a LITTLE more caring about checking up on us. We were free to roam from sun up to PAST sun down. That said, I wouldn’t want a helicopter parent for anything!!
Congratulations on bringing a sane perspective to child-rearing. Children can’t think or speak for themselves these days. They are not allowed to make any decisions and have no unscheduled activity. It’s completely stifling. A 9 year old should be able to ride the subway alone, and be able to judge who is safe to ask for help and who is not. Kids don’t learn anything by the constant coddling and over protection offered by most parents. Kids need to skin their knees and be disappointed from time to time.
I am so glad to see so many parents supporting free range kids. I’m an 18 year old whose parents have always encouraged to be independent- and it’s been wonderful for me! Some of my friends who had very little freedom have a very hard time finding their way around Toronto after having lived here their whole lives and I am able to get around just fine after having lived here for only a few years. Raising a kid to be independent is not about negelecting them, it is about teaching them the life skills that you as a parent already know and helping them put them into action. You make sure they know how to deal with situations. For instance my family travels a lot.. I was at the ‘gold’ level with airlines by the time I was 12-a clear indication that I had gone through the process of travel enough times to manage by myself. Its the same with street smarts or whatever, let your kids grow!
this is a hard question. in theory i am all for free range kids and rationally agree with all the statistics about risks BUT…
for whatever reasons, media, genetics, experiences, i am full of anxiety. it’s hard to talk yourself out of it when it fills you up. i had my son in a very free range afterschool parks and rec latchkey program in oneof our city’s public parks, no structure, and a director who believed in running the program “70’s style”. my son ended up enjoying this program and the alternative was a 2 hour per day structured enrichment program at his school, where he would be locked up safe and sound.
now first grade is approaching and we will probably do the latchkey again but unfortunately i NEVER felt relaxed about him being so unsupervised. every day i picked him up and didn’t see him right away my stomach lurched with panic. it really sucked. we also just decided to put our daughter in a waldorf-y great little pre-k but my mind just can’t seem to stop worrying about the outside area, which is big and open to the world (a pretty and green neighborhood) with a low fence.
i am tearing up writing this. so we are aiming for free range and trying to give the kids a less structured and supervised childhood, but all the media (and i have had arguments with myself that abductions have gone down because parents watch their kids mcuh more) stories have affected me enough that i am not really relaxed about it.
will my kids sense this? will they be anxious themselves? i hope not.
i like your site a lot and will keep reading.
Jamie, I get your fear. You’ll feel better and more in control if you do something active: Coach your kids. Point the low fence out to your daughter and explain to her what action to take if anyone who doesn’t belong there shows up. That will probably be enough to deter her from taking off on her own. Ditto for your son at latch-key. Good luck!
Adelaida, I can relate about Toronto. I grew up in KC, where Mom taught dance downtown, so I left the ‘burbs at least once a week and was exposed to (gasp!) minority group members like African- and Mexican-Americans. By my teens, I was going all over the city. Most kids in my school never crossed State Line Rd. (into Kansas City, MO) except for Chiefs games. They had no idea what lay north of 95th St. (or that indeed anything did). Such a white-bread existence. In college I got a summer job where I had to show up every day at a different locale in the metro area, which covers seven counties. I figured it all out, no GPS, and was never late. Love to see a college kid today do that…
I read the article on WebMD, and this is my response to that. I have an infant and a toddler, and my husband and i have agreed to police each other so that we do not turn into helicopter parents. I think letting go, teaching your kids real skills, and letting them use them for real is MUCH more work than being a helicopter parent. Keeping them safe and supervised is just ‘sweat equity’ (as you would say about home improvements. Really, the analogy fits more than I thought. The helicopter parenting seems more like maintenance and repairs – but we are supposed to be building a fully functioning member of society from scratch!!! We’ve got to put the work in to make sure thay have a sound foundation, and that involves letting them stand on their own two feet!
I just want to say that Lenore’s child is not going to be lost and terrified if he gets seperated from adults in the city. The helicopter parents would have a catastrophic event if their kid got lost in a shuffle. Letting a 9-year-old ride the subway means that they have gotten a dry-run so that if something unexpected happens, he can be calm and collected, read a map, and get somewhere safe. My sister was raised with much less freedom than I was, and I have always worried about her resourcefulness. I also see that people at work who are a few years younger are not equipped in problem-solving and critical thinking. They needed to be forced to figure out more on their own, and get the training required to find your way out of a paper bag!
I grew up in the 60’s & 70’s. I often refer to it as living a “Peanuts” sort of life. The parents were there, but the kids had their own lives and except for school and chores, we were pretty much on our own. We walked or rode our bikes to school, EVEN in the rain and snow. We roamed our neighborhood and the surrounding woods on foot & bike, camped in the backyard all summer long, played pick-up baseball, roller-skated, swam in the local ponds and abandoned gravel pits, organized games of kick-the-can and hide at seek at dusk, built forts, rafts and had acorn wars. In winter we skated on the ponds, went sledding and skiing on a local hill built snow forts and had snowball fights that went on for days. We’d make our own lunches and take them on our adventures so we didn’t have to go home to eat. All the kids, regardless of age or ability were included…and we did all this without the benefit of helmets, sunscreen or adult supervision. That’s not to say we didn’t have fights and that sometimes kids didn’t go home crying, but our parents stayed out of it. We were told to fight our own battles and if we couldn’t get along, we’d just have to stay in the house. Well, that never lasted more than a few hours! We were allowed to make mistakes, take risks, and learn how to get along with others. Sure sometimes we got hurt. We fell off our bikes, stepped on rusty nails and broken glass, fell out of trees, got hit with baseballs (we used real baseballs!), skinned our knees and elbows constantly. But we learned from our mistakes…maybe we shouldn’t ride our bikes down that steep hill and try to jump the ditch…perhaps going barefoot is not always such a good idea, use your glove to catch the ball instead of your face! We had fun…and best of all our childhoods prepared us for adulthood. (And no one died or was abducted.)
I raised my son in the eighties & nineties. I tried to give him the same kind of freedom and opportunities for “failure” that I had growing up. Before my son was even in school he would walk a couple blocks pulling his wagon to the local convenience store and return bottles/cans he collected for pocket money. He also shoveled neighbors’ walks in the winter and crossed our residential street by himself to visit friends. My neighbors told me he was in danger of being abducted. Their kids were safer inside watching TV.
When he was seven, we moved to a rural town in New Hampshire without sidewalks or streetlights. He had a bicycle and a fishing rod and he and his dog spent the summer days exploring, fishing, building forts, and making friends. When school started he rode his bike the mile and a half to the elementary school. Then, I was informed that he had to take the bus. He didn’t want to ride the bus, so I met with the principal and he told me that it was school district policy because if any thing happened to him on the way to school they were responsible.
Of course this was nonsense, and after I made it clear that he would not ride the bus, I was told that he would not be allowed to leave school unless I came and signed him out at the end of every day!
For several years, he just walked out anyway and no one noticed. But one day when he was in 4th grade the crossing guard (there were half a dozen kids who lived directly across from the school who were permitted to walk home) saw him leaving. The next day I got a call saying I had to come sign him out. So I ended up having to go before the school board where I was accused of putting my son in unnecessary danger (i.e., the possibility of abduction or getting hit by a school bus). The result was that he had to wait until every bus left the school property before he could get on his bike and ride home.
Fortunately, he did not have to wait until every potential abductor was off the streets!!
He either rode his bike or walked to school until he was a senior in high school. About midway through his senior year he decided that he’d like to take the bus sometimes. The very first day he rode the bus, we had an ice storm. The bus skidded on black ice, went off the road, hit a telephone pole and flipped onto its side! By then he had earned the Rank of Eagle Scout, and he did not panic. He opened the emergency exit and helped the other kids off the bus (making sure they avoided the downed power lines hanging only inches from the bus). They were very lucky…there were no serious injuries, just a few bumps and bruises. The only real danger he ever encountered going to and from school was the day he rode the bus. Yep, it was the only ride on the school bus he took in 12 years. The next day he walked!
My son was the only child in his second grade class that could draw a map showing his own house in relation to the school he attended. He mowed the lawn, chopped wood, could iron a shirt and cook simple meals at the age of seven. When he was 9 he started going to overnight camp for 3 weeks every summer (with many of his friends in the Boy Scouts) and he never suffered from homesickness. He was always confident in his ability to adjust to new situations and other kids often looked to him when they needed help. I was often complimented by other parents on my son’s maturity and ability to do things and make decisions for himself. But in the next sentence, they would tell me they could never allow their own kids the same freedom because it was just too dangerous!
When he was 15 he took the bus from NH to New York City to see a concert at Madison Square Garden. I would not allow him to ride in a car with another teenage driver (that is where real danger exists…the only teen fatalities in our town were due to car accidents with inexperienced teen-age drivers…yeah, the same parents who wouldn’t let their kids ride a bike to school bought them a high-speed killing machine after just 6 weeks of driver training! ) and several of his friends were going by car. So he rode the bus there and back, meeting his friends in the city for the concert. He’d never been to NYC before, but he knew how to read a map, ask for and follow directions. He had a wonderful time and returned home unscathed.
I now live in a small college town out west where the schools are trying to get kids to walk and bike to school. It’s healthier and would eliminate a huge drain on the budget for busses. The program started in 2006 and has made very little progress so far because while parents support it in theory, they say its not safe. I don’t buy it. I think it’s not convenient. Parents might have to adjust their own schedules ‘cuz the kids won’t spend an hour every day on the bus. Even where busses have been eliminated because it has been determined that the walk is less than 1/2 a mile, parents are driving their kids to school instead of letting them walk (ironicly making it less safe for those who do walk).
Robin, thank you for sharing so much about the way you raised your son. As an adult he is likely to be a strong independent thinker rather than susceptible to “orange alerts” and the sky is falling scares. And you are so right about the teenage driving inexperience being one of the most dangerous things. I was raised in the fifties and sixties biking, hiking, playing in the creek, taking the five hour bus ride to my grandparents alone at nine, etc. The same with my four brothers and sisters. We were the only kids who didn’t have a curfew as teens. Instead we asked our parents if we could go somewhere, do something, etc, and commit to an agreed upon time to be home based on where we were going and what we were doing. If the movie was over at ten and we wanted to go for a hamburgher after we were expected to be home by 11:30. If something changed, we were expected to call, so that our parents would know where we were and when to expect us. So they always knew where we were. They also always did the same when they went somewhere. So, when my brother was 16, he was in the car with a friend and the friend was driving stupidly. When he wouldn’t stop my brother asked to be let out and he would walk the three miles home. After he got out his friend hit a wall a mile down the road, killing the other kid in the car and becoming a paraplegic himself. My brother is in his late fifties now and I am so glad he had the strength and independent thinking ability from years of having to make responsible decisions on his own, so that he is still around today.
Definitely, FOR raising free range kids. This builds character, confidence, every trait the child will need in adulthood. Constantly hovering over your child, and voiceing your anxieties about their safety: this guarantees the child will become a neurotic adult.
My wife and I are raising two free-range boys who are now 3 and 6. These boys are healthy, happy and very self-confident yet so many of our friends are sceptical of our parenting. They obviously believe that we allow our sons to take risks that they would not permit of their own children. Yet, they expose their very young children to health, intellectual and emotion risks that I think can be more damaging. These children are eating sweets at one or two years old. I don’t know how many birthday parties for two year olds that we attended where we had to “take a nature walk” while infants emersed themselves in cake, candy and ice cream. My six year old sons’ friends have seen violent television programs and movies for years. Many of them talk about Harry Potter, Spiderman and Transformers movies which are one hyper-violent battle after another. This seems like more risky behavior to me than allowing my kids to be loosely supervised in our backyard at age 3.
I am amazed that I could get in trouble for leaving my 6 year old in the car while I run in to drop something off at my wife’s workplace when he can competently steer a motorboat and a tractor (with me next to him now but at this rate he will probably be competent by age 8). Other parents are concerned at campgrounds when I can’t immediately point out my kids (still within shouting range at this point) or when I nap on the beach while they play in the water (right in front of the lifeguard).
It’s not that I’m unconcerned for their safety. I am. Very concerned but I truly believe that they are safer in the long term if they develop the tools they need to make intelligent decisions and the physical prowess that will enable them to deal with obstacles. Yes, they could get hurt but they could get hurt even with me standing over them and trying to shield them. Truthfully, they seem to have less tramatic injuries than many of their ‘more protected friends’ and much less health problems.
When I first read about your son’s adventure and your subsequent criticism, I thought – ‘What a good parent. That boy is going to be O.K.”
I could continue at length but I’ll end this input with the thought that, when we sit around the living room, we don’t reminisce about the days we sat safely ensconced in our room. We tell the stories of risk and adventure and even heartbreak that make life worth living.
Robin Spaziani, so your kid was required to wait at school ’til all buses had left the property, meaning that he was there alone, or nearly so — and they called that safer than his leaving along with everyone else? Incredible. You rock for fighting the School Board. Good going.
Yea, Helynna. What teen today would be willing to walk three miles? Unfortunately, few.
Yes, Mark Wisnewsky, my two-year-old broke her leg when I was standing right next to her. So right on.
My oldest niece was free range when she was with my Sis and BIL. When she was with her mom it would swing from overprotected to neglect (Medical conditions not treated, verbal and physical abuse).
When oldest niece was 10/11 yo she and my sister were skiing a black diamond. Sis went down and was seriously injured.
Niece got the ski patrol to rescue my sis
The ski patrol left my niece when they took sis to the hospital.
Niece’s father was snowboarding at a different mountain. Niece went to the shuttle driver told him what happened and that she need to find her father. The shuttle allowed her to ride for free and made sure she made it to the lift area – where she located her father and uncle.
BIL and Sis now have custody after her mom left Oldest niece on the side of the road and was arrested for DWI.
The way I raise free-range kids is by ignoring critical, holier-than-thou, judgemental, sanctimonious, my-way-or-the-highway parenting “philosophies” that are more about making parents feel attacked and inadequate than they are about children’s happiness.
So you’ll understand why I can’t be a regular reader here. Toodles.
More chidren die in automobils then all else combined! If you do not want to gamble with your childs life, the logical thing to do is keep them out of cars.
Gayle, early on, asked if you would hire a “nine year old” to babysit. Ironically, it was at age nine that my sister (with whom I lived) started having me babysit her children because our family was struggling. She worked nights, her husband worked days and I, at nine years old, got up at 6 am and watched the other FOUR CHILDREN by myself until my sister got home at 7:30 am. Because that worked out well, I began doing afternoon and even evening babysitting for her and my brothers’ children. No one ever needed stiches or medical care…but now my sister will not leave her 12 year old grandson home alone!!!!
My four year old son has a range of sidewalk outside of our house that he is allowed to roam freely. He knows more of our neighbors (by sight) than I do, I think. My family thinks I am crazy, but he is a happy, healthy and very confident little boy.
Actually, most parents these days are not overbearing at all. In fact, I think most parents just throw their kids into a school for a majority of their waking hours and bring them home to feed them and put them to bed. Preschool is no longer one year at age 4, but three years from ages 2-5. Parents believe they have nothing to offer their children and that someone else is more qualified to teach their child, so this is their solution.
Twice this year we have been criticized for our lack of supervision. Both of these time the people have made assumptions and both of these times they have been from overprotective parents. It was discouraging at first, but after reading this book, I say “Bring it on!” According to the book we have already been trying to raise free-range kids without even knowing it. Now we can continue with confidence that there are more sane people out there like us. It’s the insane that criticize. Armed with the knowledge and confidence we have gained from this book, we can continue on in our FEAR-LESS child rearing and Lord willing raise three competent kids. Thanks for writing this book!
Keep up the good work…. it’s all a matter of perspective. We have no understanding of statistics— we spend more time on trivial nonsense or fear mongering. Kids used to eat dirt, share drinking cups unless obviously sick, and walk to school [for me it was 3 miles every day, and it was up hill both ways] Yours is a call for basic common sense [guess it’s not so common after all]
I was thinking to myself the other day how ironic it is that while the rules-happy Americans flagrantly flout the no-talking-on-the-phone-while-driving laws (I know ONE car in the States equipped with a hands-free set, while EVERY car in Israel has one), here in relatively relaxed, argue-your-way-out-of-a-traffic-ticket Israel, everyone — even gangsters and hit-men — observes the no-talking-on-the-phone-while-driving law. The cops may not respond to assaults and stabbings in broad daylight, but by God, they’re on the lookout for drivers talking on their phones, and the fine for violation is NIS 800 (about $200). Tah-DAH!
It all boils down to a “sense of where you are”. If I am in a small town in Montana and I see a 12 year old with a shotgun, it’s no big deal. If I see the same thing in Philadelphia, I am under my car. America is not an equally safe place. Teaching children to be free but aware is the secret, neither terror nor complacency is the answer. Teach them to be careful where the ice is thin, but let them skate…
As if there were not enough supporting messages, I’ll add my own.
Growing up, from age 6 on, I roamed the streets and woods around my house with the rule of “be home by dinner.” We built forts, played four-square and capture-the-flag, kickball and others. When the unlikely happened and one of us was hurt (broken bones from bike-riding, a cut from a fall), we would go to the first house we knew, most likely parents of one of the kids, and get help.
I’m not sure how the parents knew one another, or if they had exchanged phone numbers. But somehow, all of us kids got home safely (this was the mid-1980s, by the way). We’re all still around now, one of us in the WNBA, one an Emmy-winning director, most of us parents of small children.
Will my kids make it out of childhood alive if I let them explore their world/neighborhood out of my sight? Yes. They know the names of enough neighbors to know where to go for help. They have a sound sense of direction and will not get lost.
Next week, my oldest child starts kindergarten. She is looking forward to walking to the bus stop alone, riding to school like a big girl. She will also find her way back home after school without incident. It is the policy of our (largely rural) school district to create a bus stop at the home of each kindergarten student, so they will not have to walk alone. I called them today and asked them to let her walk to the nearest established stop, just out of sight from my house. The sense of pride and independence she will gain is invaluable in raising a strong, brave, independent woman.
Long Live Free Range Kids!
I am all for free-range kids, though I have a few more months to wait before my first kid is ready to even make an appearance in this great world of ours. 🙂
I just wanted to make a statement about how free-range parents are NOT in any way the same as neglectful parents. I would know because I was neglected as a child. These people I’ve been reading about, their stories about the freedoms they give their kids, they do that because they care and they make sure their kids are capable first.
My parents never taught me anything. Sure I was allowed to go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted as long as I didn’t cause any problems. But my parents didn’t teach me how to respond to strangers, my address and phone number, or even the basics of fending for myself. I was on my own without any guidance whatsoever and that is incredibly stressful for a child.
Because of that I didn’t go much of anywhere or do much of anything. I didn’t have the confidence. Luckily I eventually got some friends who were free-range kids and I ended up having some semi-decent preteen, early teen, years where I rode bikes far away from home and simply hung out with other kids.
I still have a really hard time doing things on my own though. It’s just something I am determined not to pass on to my kids. I’m going to be emotionally available, I’m going to teach and guide them and then I’m going to let them use what they’ve learned.
Free-range parents care about their kids and because they care about them they teach them and guide them and when the child is ready, they let go. But they’re always on stand by of course. 😀
@Kate Sanfilippo –
I am a believer in free range kids and I think it’s great to let your daughter walk to the school bus, but I also think it’s naive to say that you are sure that your kids “will make it out of childhood alive if I let them explore their world/neighborhood out of my sight.” The reality is that some kids don’t “make it out alive.” Although it doesn’t happen as often as the media would have us believe, some kids do get abducted and some kids do stupid things that get them killed.
I think that raising free range kids does involve an increased risk – albeit smaller than many people think – that something bad will happen – the same way that putting a kid in a car increases the risk of a car accident. I choose to put my daughter in a car because I believe that the places she gets to see via car make it worth the risk. I accept the risks inherent in raising a free range kid because I think that it is essential that she learn to be independent and that she develop self-confidence.
My soon to be 30 year-old son was born around the time Eton Patz disappeared, and just before Adam Walsh was murdered. I was very overprotective and I regret it. As an adult, my son has many phobias. Most of his friends don’t drive and some of them say it’s because of the horrific videos they were forced to watch in school. However, I let him talk about any subject and his father and I were honest with him. At least I didn’t hit him, as my mother did. Maybe that makes up for not letting him go to the mall alone till he was thirteen, poor kid. Frankly it seems kids are more at risk today by the “boy/girlfriends” and “step-parents” many women or men choose. Just read a crime news page. Don’t scare your kids to death. They aren’t as dumb and innocent as you think they are. Best of luck to EVERYONE raising kids today. It’s the most important job you’ll ever have. BTW, LOVE your writing, Lenore. I’d like to see you and Jodi Picoult cloned, lol. (That was a JOKE people.)
Well, ok, mayber not. 🙂
Many responders have talked about the distinction between being a free range parent and a neglectful parent, stressing that free range parents provide the age appropriate guidance for their children. It made me think of a story that stresses how important the teaching and guidance are, because whether you are a free range parent or helicopter parent, you are not always with your child. If you are a free range parent, you may have provided your child with more education and learning about what to do when confronted with choices when you are not there, plus you will have given them age appropriate opportunities to practice.
When my daughter was six and a half, about the second month of the first grade, she was going to attend an afterschool daycare program. She understood that she was to meet the daycare van driver in the office after school, and I had talked with the teacher when I dropped her off at school in the morning to let her know about this change in routine.
Well, the teacher must have forgotten the morning discussion because she insisted that my daughter get on a school bus that bussed kids to the area where the daycare was (parents whose kids were not going to daycare would meet the bus). My daughter even reminded the teacher that she was supposed to go to the office, but the teacher insisted.
So my six year old was dropped off at a street corner in the City of San Francisco. The other parents quickly went off with their kids and my daughter was left alone. But one of the things she was taught since she could walk was that if she got separated from her parents she should stop and stay in one place, because we would not stop looking until we found her. Fortunately, she didn’t have to stand there very long before the daycare van came by, as it had been looking for her when she didn’t show up in the office. They said she wouldn’t get into the van until they had recited her parents names, her teacher’s name, the school’s name, her address and phone number, and where she was supposed to have met them and the name of the daycare. She shared with me later that once they had answered all of her questions correctly, she also decided that no one would want to kidnap a whole van full of kids. I was very proud of my daughter, that she knew how to react when landing in a situation that the adults certainly hadn’t intended.
Thank you for giving a voice to us. I am a very protective parent in so many ways, yet I also trust my children to do the right thing. I believe I have taught them well–that my middle school daughter can make it to and from school without me, my son can attend a friend’s birthday party without me hanging around.
I do think you need to identify that you are focused on middle-class kids. I work in the inner-city, where most kids are “free range” kids most of the time. There are no more abductions or harmful accidents to them then anywhere else–in fact, the kids I know are pretty darn self-sufficient. (They have other challenges in life, certainly, but self-sufficiency is not one of them.)
Thank you, again.
I am thrilled to find a name for myself and my parenting ideas. Thank you -I will call myself a Free Range Parent for now on. I have slowly allowed my now 9-year old son to gain some independence by letting him ride his bike alone in the neighborhood (on sidewalk and with boundaries) at age 6, to the local library at age 7, to camp at age 8 and recently to the Dollar store (to spend his allowance!). He recently came back from a dollar store trip with a toy that didn’t work. I told him I would return with him later to get a refund but he wanted to go back himself. So I discussed with him how to talk to the cashier, show the receipt and ask if he could exchange for something else. He rode back, returning home a bit later with a new toy and his head held extra high. For a child that has a hard time looking adults in the eye, making this transaction himself was a huge accomplishment. In fact, ever since I see him engaging in discussions with adults more often. When other parents question me – “aren’t you scared something will happen to him”, I always respond that I think there is greater risk in not allowing them to learn to be independent than any risk in being abducted.
For~I often let our 7 year old watch over the 1 year old, in the home and I’m in the next room. I feel it gives them time to play and interact together and find a common ground.
Outside of the house, my 7 year old has been “trained” to wander a little bit away from me, but answer to a sweet whistle that is *always* the same. Folks will look at me oddly, for yes, I am whistling for my child and not a dog, but it works well and allows her some freedom and me some time to shop without a whiny toddler/preschooler/grade schooler in tow. Now, she knows by heart which stores have toys and will quietly find them and play until I whistle for her that it’s time to go!
I think the issue of letting our kids roam freely is a very complex one and something that deserves a fair amount of consideration.
I was raised, in the 70s and early 80s, as a very NON-free range kid. I had a lot more restrictions than my peers and it was really hard, especially as a teenager. We lived in a small town, in the suburbs, on a fairly quiet street. (Except for the occasional 70s hot-rod muscle car speeding thru, which were obviously dangerous in their own way.) My parents were older and just very, very worried about every possible bad thing that could happen. I’m still here 44 years later, so obviously nothing bad happened! Believe me I tested those boundaries as often as I could!
I’m trying to raise my kids (ages 8 and 3.5) with far fewer restrictions, and that’s why I’m at this blog. I’m constantly weighing in my mind the difference between giving my kids an appropriate level of freedom and avoiding danger. We live in a small town, but on a very busy and fast main street, so my kids’ freedom is restricted by that. There are no sidewalks on a large section of the road. There’s a very narrow shoulder and not much space between pedestrians and speeding cars. I see older kids and adults riding bikes and walking along the roads, and I just have to wonder at their lack of common sense. Maybe it’s just the programming I was raised with, but I do see the traffic as a real danger.
We live very close to the elementary school, a couple of blocks away with sidewalks the whole way, but the district busses all kids. I would LOVE it if they hired crossing guards and let kids walk to school. I wouldn’t want my son to walk without a crossing guard, though, because drivers are careless and they frequently disobey the crossing signals at the main intersection. I’ve crossed there many times myself and nearly been hit by these morons. It’s not a matter of trusting my son — he knows how to cross the street and is very responsible about it — it’s a matter of not trusting the drivers.
Our town definitely needs to become more pedestrian-friendly, and I think that’s the problem in many places now. We’re all so used to driving everywhere that we don’t even encourage our kids to walk or bike on their own. When I was a kid I walked to school, up to a mile one way, but of course that town had wide sidewalks everywhere. I miss being able to safely walk around my own neighborhood, and I wish I could give that freedom to my kids. I loved walking to school, it gave me “alone” time with my own thoughts and it was my favorite part of the day.
Exploring the woods behind our house, however, is another matter. I encourage my kids to go there on their own and I’m grateful that they have a natural place to play. I guess it compensates, somewhat, for the lack of roaming space around town.
A lot of my kids’ friends live in subdivisions, where it’s much easier to walk, bike, etc. and the kids are much more free-ranging there. There are quiet streets and open natural spaces and my kids love that. In some ways I wish we lived there, but the Peyton Place aspect of those subdivisions, and the ugly cookie-cutter houses, is what turned us off to them in the first place.
Ultimately I think a parent needs to consider the particular environmental conditions where they’re raising their kids and determine the appropriate freedoms and restrictions. I see an awful lot of parents around here who take the free-ranging philosophy to the extreme — totally neglecting their kids — and the negative consequences. It’s truly a delicate balance that we must find….
We’re not raising our son quite up to the level of “Free-Range”, but we’re constantly amazed at his friends who don’t know how to order lunch at a counter, don’t know what to do if they order it and it comes back wrong, don’t know how to pay for something at the grocery store, etc. Although he spends way more time inside and at home than I did at that age, I like to think that we’ve let our 12-year-old negotiate some of the interactions with strangers that will make up the bulk of his future life.
Although the right ammount of freedom is a good thing, the line between freedom and neglect is a fine one. I was brought with a lot of “freedom” in Brazil where a 10 years old or younger are approached by DRUG dealers in a cunning way. I not only felt neglected as a child, but also have a brother and a sister who started at DRUGS at around ten years old and are now heavily drug addicted. We are raising our children to do what they are emotionally ready for and making sure they are well prepared to say NO to DRUGS, since drug dealers get more and more elaborated in aproaching school children (I had to deal a lot with them). But perhaps DRUGS are not an escalating problem in New York…
Jenny, good for you for being so aware of how you were brought up and how you want to raise your kids differently. I sympathize with your fear of drivers. Cars are two-ton metal killing machines. Campaign for speed bumps and if you don’t get anywhere, obtain some cones and / or other objects and set them up on your street. If the cops complain, explain that its the drivers they should be after, not you.
Dave, your examples remind me of my embarrassment when, at about age 9, I was in the car with my friend’s mom and she pulled up to a mailbox and asked me to post a letter for her. I didn’t know how to open the mailbox! Yet it wasn’t because I’d been sheltered; I simply hadn’t ever done it. My dad stamped all our mail and mailed it on his way to work. Everyone, no matter how free range s/he might have been raised, has “holes” in her education. Conversely, a kid raised by helipcopters may have certain knowledge that a free range kid lacks…
Jenny, it sounds like you are seriously thinking about the learning opportunities and safety balance of the things your children do. And we all need to lobby for more pedestrian friendly places and the opportunity for our children to walk to schools. The lack of walking so many children do may be contributing to the rise of obesity in children.
I believe the essential difference between parenting in a free range way and helicopter parenting is that the free range parent is looking for the learning and growing opportunities in the things a child does rather than the parent taking care of everything and watching over their child all the time. For example, you can parent free range style standing right next to your child at a store. As young as 3 years old, if my children were purchasing something for themselves I let them do everything from asking the clerk where something was in the store, questions about the item, and paying for it. I was standing right there the whole time. I might break the ice and say to the clerk that my child would like some help, but then they took it from there.
I just have to share this with this site. At a recent training for a company that wants to reach the millenium generation (20’s-30’s), a speaker shared that when he asked a young person in this age group what would be the best thing the company could do for him to reward his recent good works, the millenium aged young person asked if a letter could be written to his mom about how good he was. A large number of kids in the millenium age range group were raised by helicopter parents!!
Helynna, wonderful to hear how you let your child ask for help and purchase in the store. Way to go.
Yam, you are always so nice and so encouraging. I would bet you are doing or have done a great job raising your kids.
You’re welcome, Helynna. So far I’m pleased!
We were 8 kids in our family (1950s). We all had chores. On Saturdays, once they were done and “approved”, we were free. That was around 10 or 11 am. By then mother had made us all a bag lunch. As she waved us off – out of her hair, she would sternly (tongue in cheek) say: “Don’t you dare be late for supper. . . !” Now, that is childhood freedom – roaming back fields with rusted metal discards and caved in basements at abandoned industrial sites, polluted Detroit river waterways and rotting docks, underpasses and creek beds. . . Our world was a glorious one of 2 and 3 mile away jaunts and crazy gang and single adventures, baseball games in a cleared field (that we cleared ourselves) and tadpoles in questionably safe creeks. These Saturdays were our wonderland. But then, on weekdays we weren’t exactly locked in. . . There were no school buses so we walked a mile there and back for lunch and back to school for 1pm and back home at 4pm. This route took us through an underpass, a busy railway crossing, at least 20 street corners, a forested park and other surprises. From the “old” kids I still meet from this era, we actually can remember a childhood that didn’t know what anxiety was. We were all pretty fit and active – (obese kids? what’s that?) Discussing the latest snake finds got us all quite excited. I guess we would all have been considered adhd kids then. (i.e.: Actively Discovering the Highs of our Dreamland.
I am proud to be a terrible mother. I have been called a terrible mother who “should have her children taken away by DFS” on the radio in my home town. It has been said that I am “putting my children’s lives in danger in order to make a point.” in our local newspaper.
My crime? What makes me such a horrible mother? I ride bikes to and from school with my children (ages 9 and 11) everyday. We use bikes as our primary means of transportation. The three of us ride our bikes so much, that last year we sold the family car, because we never used it.
I am a League of American Cyclists cycling safety instructor. Both of my children have been through cycling skills and safety courses. We ride together everyday. When my oldest turned 10, passed the cycling safety course, and proved he could follow traffic rules and negotiate the roads of our town by riding under supervision for many months. I allowed him to start riding the 3 miles home from school on his own one day per week while his younger sister went to piano.
My kids are allowed to ride their bikes to their friends’ house by secondary roads, go to the grocery store (1/2 mile away) and other destinations that we have discussed. Before they head out on their own, we discuss the route they are to take and have them call us when they arrive.
We ride all year round, dressing appropriately for the weather. My kids know how to deal with cold, heat, wind, rain, because they spend time outside on their bikes everyday. My kids know that they won’t melt or die of cold or heat in the short time it takes to ride a few miles. When the weather is miserable, we talk of nice it will be to get home and really enjoy the comforts awaiting us when we arrive.
Riding bikes gives my kids a feeling of pride in accomplishment and independence. Given the choice between bike or car, my kids will almost always choose the bike. They are healthy fit children, who do not suffer from many ailments common to children today…asthma, allergies, obesity, ADD,ADHD,…and they rarely get sick in winter.
This summer we took a 165 mile bike/camping vacation. My kid would ride 40-50 miles a day (much faster than me) and have plenty of energy to spend running around playing tag and climbing trees in the evenings at camp. This is how kids should be, not so unfit that they have a hard time walking 5 blocks, which I regularly see when I help with field trips at my kids’ school.
Because I don’t drive my children everywhere in a car I am accused of putting their lives at risk. My critics don’t seem to acknowledge the fact that the number one killer of Americans between the ages of 3 and 33 is automotive collisions according to NHTSA.. And yet, I am accused of being wreckless and putting my children’s lives at risk, because we choose to ride bikes.
Proud to be rotten mom.in Missouri
Lowcar2009 – I would like to congratulate you on being a terrific mom and I admire your courage in standing strong against the criticisms from your town. Growing up in Pennsylvania in the 50’s-60’s outside of Philadelphia, we lived three miles from town. There were five of us and if we wanted to go to the movies on Saturday or go see a friend we biked. We just had to watch our 6 year old brother and make sure he didn’t get too far behind. I am 60 years old now, and I still bike commute to work 3 miles each way in downtown San Francisco.
I am glad Lenore has this blog because you can get reassurance that you are doing the best thing for your kids.
LowCar, way to go. Where in MO? I grew up in KC.
Thank you for your website and book. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and it is sad to work with children who have developed anxiety due to being told that the world is a dangerous place. I agree that parents need to take reasonable precautions (helmets, seat belts).If a child is raised in a world that they are told is dangerous, the child becomes afraid and may develop anxiety disorders. Also children who are told that strangers are dangerous are at risk for having difficulties developing relationships. I remember one time realizing that I had warned my children about strangers and yet we were at a public event and I was talking to the person next to me, a perfect stranger. I thought my children must have wondered why their mother could talk to a stranger without fear and nothing bad happened. The most dangerous adults in children’s lives are family, friends, and other people they know. Most strangers are willing to help when ask and will often go out of their way to help a child. Our children need to have experiences that increase their sense that they are capable human beings.
FOR!!!!!!!
I grew up in the ’70s, and we never wore helmets when we road bikes (and anyone who did would’ve gotten beaten up), we had concrete under our jungle jim, never heard of cell phones and wouldn’t have used them if we had because the whole point was to get away from our parents, to be with other kids and explore the world or make our own. As I got older I had more freedom, would ride my bike outside our small Kansas town, would go running along the dirt roads.
By fourteen, I was responsible for getting myself up, making my own breakfast, getting showered, dressed, having my schoolwork packed, and getting my butt to class on time. My parents were busy, both worked, and they didn’t have time in the morning to attend to me like they were the hired help. I also would come home, make my own lunch, and sometimes my own supper. And then go out with my friends until late at night on the weekends.
And you know what? It worked out. And I’m trying to do the same for my girls too. Thank you for starting the movement, and don’t quit.
GOOD FOR YOU! I hadn’t heard your story until I read your interview in Funny Times, and I’m SO GLAD to hear that you have provoked a media brawl and gotten some publicity for a crucial issue. I live in an upscale neighborhood in suburban New York and have been astonished and saddened at the way fear dictates the manner in which so many children’s lives are controlled by their parents. My sons are in their 20s now, but even when they were little this attitude was taking over. We lived TWO blocks from their elementary school and they were required to ride a BUS to get there, unless a parent walked with them. I remember the first Halloween at that school and all of the precautions and dire warnings from the school about not letting the kids go trick or treating because it was so dangerous. I wrote a letter to the principal, saying that I thought it was more important to raise kids to trust other people than to instill fear in them, and from then on was treated like a crazy person by school officials.
I hope your message of sanity and the truth about the safety of the surroundings of the vast majority of children in this country will be spread far and wide. Thank you!
Hey Sam! Where in KS? I’m a Kansan too. Also got up alone, my ‘rents were both at work by the time I got up. I did wish for a more Cleaver-like household, but no harm done.
Nancy, my 12-year-old just began gymnastics lessons in town, a 45-minute drive away. I went with her to her first lesson and we talked on the way about strangers. I reiterated: It is OK for strangers to talk to you; it is NOT OK for them to touch you or try to get you to go with them; and never, ever get into a car with anyone you don’t know, no matter how nice or sincere-sounding. Thursday will be her first time taking the bus alone. She’s already decided that she’d rather wait an extra half hour for the bus that picks her up closer to her lesson, gets her closer to home, and she won’t have to cross the highway. I feel like I have Lenore and all of you “behind me”!
I ran across this site after googling, “How to get your parents to let you take the bus.” I am 15 and 1/2 and my parents are still extremely protective. I can NOT do ANYTHING ‘normal’ teenagers do. For example, go to movies, go to the mall, go out with friends, TAKE THE BUS, go to the LIBRARY without parental supervision. And even with parental supervision, there’s still only a 5% chance I can go. I’m not even allowed to have a cell phone. I HATE and despise the way they treat me. I haven’t done anything wrong so they couldn’t trust me! I get straight A’s, take AP, honors, and advanced classes, and I STILL can’t do anything! It’s so sickening, I am counting down the days until I turn 18 until I get out of this prison and go to a college and make a life far away. They really, honestly have not taught me anything much at all. I learn from THEIR mistakes. They’re racist, unreasonable, and hypocritical. They’re basically just trying to let me live a life with no friends nor social life nor anything of the like. They won’t even let me go out with my COUSIN every weekend. I honestly wish that I had ‘real, better’ parents than those I have now. I teach myself what’s wrong and what’s right. THEY DON’T. I’m so sick of this…I’m sorry for this sounding like a total whiner, but honestly…could YOU live with this?
Michelle, glad you wrote in. I’m so sorry your parents are like this. You sound like a kid any parent would be thrilled to have. I don’t have a solution for your situation, but I want you to know that we’re all out here praying the next three years go by quickly for you. In the meantime, educate yourself as best you can about the world and how to navigate it. In addition, could you perhaps speak to a guidance counselor or other trusted adult (aunt / uncle or clergy) about your situation? You deserve a life, or at least a place to be heard.
I’m so happy I found this site. I don’t have kids yet, and honestly one of the reasons is because I can’t imagine raising them in this ridiculous rule-crazy, hysteric society where I could get arrested for child neglect if I believed like Lenore. I have had a huge pet peeve about our fear driven culture for a long time now and preach it regularly. Statistics and facts are lost on the average person, even my own father – a mathematics professor. He truly believes that my two nieces, growing up in the same small town as me, are in huge danger relative to my childhood years. I spent 5 hours tonight trying to find supporting evidence for my theories. Such as : child sexual abuse has gone down since I was a child. Child abduction is ridiculously rare and has not gone up since I was a child. It’s hard to find the evidence because it’s swamped with website after website about keeping your kids safe.
I just traveled the world for two years and marveled at the independence of children in under-developed countries. 3 year old kids in Panama jumping off a dock with their older siblings – no adult around. Babies – yes, babies riding on the back of a moped clinging to mom’s clothing. 1 and 2 year olds playing on the side of the road within mother’s eyesight, but not reach. These worlds are loaded with dangers that were abolished decades ago in the U.S. Simple example – huge holes in the sidewalk dropping 6-8 feet – no cones, no warnings, nothing. Yet kids are walking, running, playing, even texting and simultaneously avoiding these literal pitfalls. And we’re afraid to let a 10 year old play outside in the yard, with a fence, with other kids, with kid safe toys. How can we expect kids to grow up with any ability to judge risk and danger, deal with crises, be independent, feel proud or even be self-sufficient?
Cheers to the worst mom in America. I’m behind your cause 110%!!!!!!!!!
Wow Michelle, I cried reading your post, but then then I felt amazed. Amazed that you have done so well in school and managed not to rebel with such unreasonable and onerous restrictions. I am amazed because without the opportunity to practice being out in the world you are growing up strong.
You might try to talk to a counselor at school to see if he or she might be able to talk with your parents to let them know that it would be good to let you practice being places with friends while there is still the safety net of parents at home.
SO naive…. CHECK YOUR COMMUNITY’S SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY! I am the wife of a police officer. There are so many things that happen on a daily basis that do not reach the newspapers or television. What may I ask you, is a child going to do to protect themselves if an adult really wants to harm them? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO!? There are many other ways to give them their independence- is this really what you are striving for or do you just want a break for yourself? It is not worth the risk and anyone who thinks that there is no danger in it PLEASE PLEASE take a closer look at the bad things that happen in this world- do a little research. This doesn’t mean that you have to live in a world of gloom and doom- i don’t. It takes one time to lose them forever. Im so sad that more people do not recognize the sick people in this world and what they are capable of. You cant always judge a book by its cover…
Tonya, Kudos to your husband. I really respect the wonderful job that law enforcement folks do. And Kudos to you for being the person who has to worry because he has such a dangerous job.
I have done the research…looked up every person (every one) on the Sex Offender Registry in my part of the city…I live in a city of over one million people, so I concentrated on the 5 or 6 zip codes around us, which covers about half the city. 90% of the people on our community’s registry were men who had sex with an underage teenager when the man was in his 20s. It hasn’t been that long since I was a teenager (okay it’s been 20 years) but I remember how those scenarios go…and it has nothing to do with whether your parents were free rangers or not. Most others had molested a family member….very sad, very serious issue, and we as parents (and law enforcement) should put a stop to it, but it’s not affected by free ranging…except that I’d expect a free range kid to probably have the confidence to speak up if something bad were happening.
I’m excited to hear more about the “many other ways to give them their independence”…that’s what I want for my kids, and I’m sure that’s what you want for yours. Please give me ideas…I can always use fresh parenting ideas.
Karla E: Thank you so much for posting your comment. As a society, we need to do something to distinguish the truly dangerous “predators” from the merely lustful teens and early post teens who usually recieve the lable of sex offender because of mutual relations with the wrong couple of years between them. There is a huge difference between a man who preys on children and a 19 year old still dating his 16 or 17 year old high school girlfriend (but, of course, technically breaking the law if the parents wish to pursue it.). That is why there is a distinction made between rape and statutory rape. Why, then, isn’t the distinction made when the sex offender label is applied? We’ve gone overboard as a society in wanting to label everyone/everything in the name of safety!
I love it! I couldn’t agree more. I love the idea of Free Range Kids. My two are only toddlers but I hope I am able to let my kids wander the town like I did. They are close enough to walk to all their schools and we plan to take advantage of this fact, even if we have to go with them the first few years.
Congratulations Lenore on the great spread in the New York Times about Free Range Kids!! There was good data in the article and thought provoking information. Hopefully it will result in a few more kids having the opportunity to develop their independence.
Another congrats. That self same article was produced in the Ottawa Citizen here in Ontario, Canada.
I grew up when we could roam the land on our feet or bikes without worry. I would leave my house after breakfast and return at lunch or dinner…not a care in the world. My parents let us do this without any worry.
Now as a parent, I allow my children their freedom within the confines of being a responsible parent. They are ages 3,4 and 6. There is only so much they can do alone at this age. But when the time comes I think I will still protect them, take them to school, and keep them in my sights. The world I grew up in the the world today are two TOTALLY different places. Sex offenders are everywhere, (just check out the provided sites on locating them in your area) and there are too many things that can happen. I beleive in sheltered lives that are done responsibly by parents that our children have a healthy fear, and yet are free to explore the world. I pray for the safety of my children every day, and know that what happens, happens. But as a responsible parent, I will do my best to protect my children. It is my job.
I am totally with you, common sense is lost these days and it is scary to me. I am pregnant now and am really considering leaving US to let my child grow up free in different country.
I refuse to live in fear and think that imposing fear is the tool of controlling people. I have read your book and I really could not believe what I was reading. Do people think anymore? I am not sure.
All the best to you:-)
I just finished reading your bvook. I LOVED it. I wish I could MAKE all the parents of my students (K-5) read it. I could so relate to the meeting about the field trip. When I taught middle school, we had parents wanting to follow us on the 8th grade trip to D.C to make sure their babies were okay. We had one teacher for every 5 kids. All the kids had cell phones with them, and we acutally had to impose callling hours because their were phones ringing constantly.
Umm. . . let your kids enjoy the trip. They’re missing some great monuments and experiences reassuring you they’re okay. Do you really think we’re going to let them out of our sight in a big city when some of them have never left our small town before, never traveled out of their yards, and have very little street smarts?
One of my kids said their favorite part was riding the subway. The SUBWAY! I showed my group how to read the subway map–I wanted them to know how to do it so they’d have practice figuring out a route map (we have no public transportation in our semi-rural area). Then I made them tell me how to get back to the hotel on the subway. It was a hoot how excited they were that they got us back with no problems. (Other than figuring out how to make the turnstile work).
I think if we went back to giving our kids a little more freedom, like I had growing up, they would be a lot better able to think for themselves in the classroom. Or be able to work out problems. Every year, I have to explain to kids that they don’t have to ask permission to go to the bathroom–just to try not to go in the middle of instruction–it’s such a revelation to them that I wonder if they have to ask permission at home so their parents know where they are.
For years my wife and I frequently discussed how free-range we could allow our children to be. Each of us had grown up free-range and had survived intact, we recognized the value of learned independence and self-reliance, and wanted the same for our kids. Instinctively we felt the world was no more dangerous than when we were children, but the pervasive media attention to any story about crime against children increased our doubt. It took an expatriate assignment to Europe for two years for us to break the bonds of fear. We currently live in a country with excellent public transportation, an extensive biking infrastructure, and a culture that expects children from a very young age to be able to get around by themselves (or with a buddy / group). Since the experience was new for all four of us, we started slowly. However, within a few months we and the kids were comfortable enough with the environment that it was only necessary for them to call to confirm they had arrived safely for everyone to have peace of mind. There were occasional hiccups that created anxiety, but nothing that was dangerous. We hope the lessons learned during our stay will allow us to continue free-ranging the kids when we return to the US.
Magdalena, where are you thinking of moving? Maybe you should go to where Chris lives. In any case, do your research, don’t just close your eyes and spin a globe. Be careful what you wish for (and I don’t live in the US).
Robin, I understand your fears about sex offenders. There is so much press about it and then ways online of finding out just where one lives. Sometimes all this information is good and other times it seems that it is just making us a very fearful nation. But just because we didn’t used to be able to find out where offenders lived didn’t mean that there weren’t just as many before. As long as humans have existed there have been those among us who will do harm. That’s why it is so important to give our children the age appropriate skills with which to handle themselves. If we try to overprotect our children they will find a way to get away on their own, and if they have had no experience at it, they are truly vulnerable.
When my stepdaughter was 12, she was riding a city bus and a man sat down next to her and put his hand on her leg. As we had discussed, she said in a very loud voice that carried throughout the bus: “Take your hand off my leg right now.” He got up and got off the bus as fast as he could. I taught my girls to be loud and rude if needed to protect themselves, rather than quiet.
I’ve gots the leakge!
My mother came up with a pretty good compromise for the time when we were too old to be babysat after school, but too young to be left completely alone: She paid the next door lady a small fee to be “available” if we needed her. In other words, we were latch-key kids with a safety net. We walked home by ourselves, unlocked the front door by ourselves, played by ourselves (indoors and out!), had friends over within reason, made our own snacks, had fun. We felt completely independent. But–if there was ever an emergency, we only had to go next door for help from the neighbor. This was in the 1980’s.
I thought my days of worrying about well-meaning passers-by were over. I was wrong. We had just come from having a late dinner with my parents (it was 9:30), but I still had to pick up a few groceries. My son had his video player in the car and asked if he could stay behind. I was a bit uncomfortable because it was getting dark, but I looked over the well lit, low traffic, parking lot, with us being 40 feet from the storefront and remembered he had responsibly done his homework before I got home from work and said, “Sure, just lock the doors and I’ll activate the alarm”. It was a pleasant fall evening.
After 15 minutes while I was paying my bill, the intercom paged whoever had left a child in the car to the customer service desk. The checkout was in front of customer service and there was no one there, but I saw the female security guard surveying the store from the doorway. I called over asking if it was a Mazda and if he was watching a movie. She said she didn’t know but there weren’t many people in the store so I presumed it was mine. As I was gathering my bags I said, “Thanks, but don’t worry, he’s eleven and the doors are locked” thinking that would be it. I added, “He’s free range!”
The guard immediately strode across the store, raising her voice with all the usual stuff:
I don’t care how old he or she is, you NEVER leave a child alone in a car! I have THREE kids and would NEVER leave them alone in a car. My sister is out there right now watching over him and reported he was alone. You never know WHAT could happen in just a second. The world is FULL of so many whack-os, its just NOT SAFE anymore. You could be ARRESTED for child endangerment.
Embarrassed, I reminded her that he was 11 and the doors were locked. I also told her that stats showed abductions were actually less now than in the 80’s and that as his parent, I thought I was the best judge of whether he was mature and responsible enough to wait in the car.
At that point a second security guard joined the conversation. The first told him, “She SAYS he’s 11” (like I might be lying about it) and the second guard agreed with the first saying that a minor child should NEVER be left alone for any reason.
At this point I was more than embarrassed and starting to get angry. As the woman continued to insist that I could be arrested for child endangerment, I told her that I couldn’t, because he wasn’t in any danger (there are no laws regarding age and being alone here) and walked away from her, although she followed me into the parking lot.
When I got to the car and asked how things were (after explaining why I was visibly upset), he said he was fine…except he was starting to get a bit creeped-out by the woman who kept looking into the car – the sister who was “watching over him”! There’s some irony.
If it had been broad daylight and someone could have actually seen him, they’d have guessed he was at least 12 or 13. He’s almost 5 feet tall, weighs 125 and can easily out-wrestle me! The “helpful” sister shrunk back into her vehicle when he actually got out of the car to walk with me the 20 feet to put the cart away.
It was extremely humiliating to have my parental judgement questioned like that. While I appreciate that someone was vigilant enough to notice there might be a problem, the inability of the guards to use some judgement when I told them his age was ridiculous. The arguments weren’t even logical. In our province, 12 year old minors are able to obtain babysitting certification, 14 year old minors are issued learners permits to operate motor vehicles under the direct supervision of adults and 16 year old minors are issued licenses to drive by themselves! If she’d have simply said that she didn’t think 11 was old enough to be on his own in a vehicle, I would have thanked her, said I disagreed and probably avoided that particular store. But the tirade about the dangers lurking out there and NEVER leaving ANY child alone was yet another example of the hysteria which prevents some people from using their own brains to think reasonably about risk and reward in building impendent children!
Thanks for listening!
Moreta, I gather you’re Canadian. Guess Michael Moore was wrong (or else he edited out the hysterical Canadians). Sorry to here the hysteria has spread northward.
Just found your blog! I’ve been bucking the ‘safety mom’ trend for 31 years and 6 kids. I still have 2 teenage daughters at home. They are healthy and self-confident. Now with cellphones kids can really get around and keep in touch, I don’t know why some parents are so paranoid. Parents ought to be more worried about feeding them McDonalds food and keeping them locked in the house with a sedentary lifestyle, playing video games and watching TV. That’s more of a threat to their well being that roaming freely and climbing trees!
Keep up the good work!
Dear Ms. Skenazy,
I just discovered your blog and am fascinated by your wonderfully open-minded way of thinking.
I grew up in Bulgaria during communist times and I never saw any such hyper vigilance and misguided overprotectiveness as I see around here today.
I grew up in the capital, Sofia, a bustling city of about 2 mln. people. When I was a child, I and my friends played in a playground a couple of blocks away from our respective houses, walked to and from school by ourselves, took public transportation (tram, trolley, bus) to get to sports practice by ourselves, did grocery shopping from the neighborhood stores by ourlseves, waited in the car when our parents needed to run a quick errand, etc. At no time did someone interfere to say our parents didn’t do a good job. We all grew up and became healthy, happy, well-adjusted adults.
Keep up enlightening people!
Best regards!
I’ve been a “Funny Times” reader for years, but just got to the interview with you in the September issue. Being my bathroom reading, I try to make the issue last all month. Is there any chance these responses could be listed from most recent to earliest, instead of the other way around?
I don’t have time to read all those responses, but you may be missing an important ramification of all this unnecessary and protective insanity. I’m a great-grandmother, a healthy, single woman of 63. I’m used to being on my own and quite capable of taking care of myself. I spend my time on a bicycle in harbors up and down the northern California coast. There are wonders to explore and people to meet, not to mention the glorious aromas!
My daughter is a bit older than you. She was a free-range child, but since her first child was born 22 years ago, she’s been connected to them by a cellphone rather than an umbilical cord. Fortunately, they live in another state.
Two months ago we attended the Oregon Country Fair together. I wandered off, which is typical. I was more free-range than most kids, since my mother was loosely wrapped and tended to forget where she left me. I love to wander, totally unsupervised, through strange situations, open to the magic. I have a fine, built-in “danger detector.”
When I got back to my daughter several hours later, she was furious! I’d turned off the cellphone I carried at her insistance. She’d gone to the “Lost and Found” looking for me. She contacted security. Her fire chief husband was even more upset. She raged that, “I didn’t have time for any fun, since I spent the entire day looking for my mother!!” Why?
Lenore, these people don’t only cripple their children; they cripple their parents. My only hope is to disappear, because if I ever have to become her responsibility (she’s my only child), I’ll never again have any fun at all. I should not have to give up my home and go into hiding to have a life! Kids aren’t the only ones being stunted by TV-watching parents who haven’t turned the damned thing off long enough to learn that the violent crime rate has been dropping for 20 years. Thanks for listening, Inez
I was a Free Range Kid, I had many freedoms and my parents never hovered. They gave the standard warnings, “look both ways before crossing the street”, “don’t take candy from strangers”, but they allowed us a tremendous amount of freedom to explore our world. They both worked and summers were spent with our friends exploring the woods and fields and streams near our house. As long as we were home in time for dinner, nothing was ever said.
I have tried to raise my children with those same freedoms. We live in a bucolic community with many neighborhood parks and recreation areas. My children walk or ride their bikes to the Mall, restaurants, library and schools. My 19 year old son was in Cross Country throughout High School. He rode his bike to and from school everyday, 14 miles round trip. His morning commute was before the sun came out. Of course he obeyed the laws and he has lights on his bike. Even after a very nasty fall, his Sophomore year, where he planted his face right into the concrete roadway (helmet didn’t stop that) he continued to ride his bike everyday. In fact we did not know about the fall or his scraped up face until 7 p.m. that evening. His coached patched him up, he continued his school day and worked out with his team.
I realized yet again that as relaxed as I am about my children’s freedoms and how I want them to be able to trust their own judgments, many parents do not. This past week, my daughter (a freshman in High School) asked if she could go with a friend to a Homecoming Dance in another district an hour away. I did not have a problem with this as long as a parent was dropping off and picking up (no public transportation is available where we live). She said that the friends Mom would take them and then gave me this Parents phone number. Am I a terrible mother because I did not even think about calling this parent, nor (gasp) meeting this parent before she took my child across town. I didn’t need to worry, the Mom called Me the very next day to reassure me that my daughter would be safe. I actually told this Mom that I trusted my daughter’s judgment and because she readily gave me information regarding the event, plus her phone number I had no concerns.
All total I am the Mom and Step-Mom of 7 children and we have another on the way. I don’t see that I will be any different with this addition than I have been with my other children.
How will children learn to be adults who can trust themselves, if we don’t allow them to have some freedoms as a child?
Just wanted to share my own experience growing up
free-range…
Prior to 1st grade (early 80s) we lived in a nice, not so dense (then) suburb of chicago, and being so young we had rules, but I remember being allowed to go across the street to the neighbors on my own to ask if they wanted to play, I recall playing in the front and back yards on my own (no fences). I had a lemonade stand, where I stood at the edge of the driveway, alone, and tried to coax passers by to stop their cars to purchase some of my declicious lemonade. I wasn’t very succesful, so my mothers solution: she packed up my cooler of lemonade and dixie cups in my little red wagon and told me to walk down the block to where a new home was being constructed and sell the lemonade to the construction workers..surely they would be thirsty, and surely they couldnt say no to a cute little girl with pigtails and red wagon. The lesson that day was not fear, but entrepreneurial spirit. And I was not injured going near the site (I wasn’t allowed in, I walked to the edge and just shouted and the workers that were interested came out to me) and I was not kidnapped, or otherwise molested, harmed, sexually abused etc by any of the construction workers or any other random stranger.
We moved to Chicago by the time I started first grade, and my mother worked full time and my dad was never around, so that didn’t leave my mother with alot of options for childcare. We only lived about 3 blocks from school, but she still drove me and dropped me off on the playground about an hour before school started. It was a little lonely, but I was never scared. I just became the kid who was in charge of gathering all the rocks for hop scotch. And after school my mom paid an older boy to walk me to the day care, where my baby brother was all day. Well, the boy only cared about getting paid, and I didn’t like him or his friends and frequently had trouble finding him after school, so I convinced my mother I could walk alone. And I did. In first grade I walked probably about 10 city blocks to day care after school. Nothing ever happened. Not one single time was I ever scared. Really the thing that bothered me the most was the weather…sometimes it was cold or raining and those days were not my favorite, but meh, I survived, my mother armed me with these crazy things called coats, hats, boots, and umbrellas. Eventually though I complained enough about the day care itselft that my mom just gave me a key and I was officially a latch key kid and I stayed that way for the rest of my school career.
By 8th grade I was taking public transporation to a before school program at the highschool (the elementary school was close, so I had always walked prior). Honestly the only thing that scared me about it was that sometimes it made me late (I was very much an over achiever and being late was a big no-no in my book). I realize this paragraph mostly makes me look like a nerd, but at least I was a free range nerd.
My husband on the other hand, grew up in the country, on a real working farm. He had just as much freedom as I did, but it was just modified for his rural childhood. He knew how to drive farm equipment before most city kids get their learners permit. He had chased down horses that had gotten loose and helped his dad fix and build things using real (sharp) tools. He was allowed to go outside and play, on his own, all the time. Just him, the four-wheeler and his bb gun (more on this in a minute) – as long as he was home for dinner. Their farm is on a highway, and while traffic is few and far between, the cars and trucks that do go by, go by FAST. They did then and they still do now (a speed limit on country highways is a big fat joke). I’m sure a talk was had with him about staying off the road, and clearly it worked.
We’re pregnant with our first now and we’ve had talks before about guns, given out different backgrounds. I grew up in the city, guns to me meant gangs, police, robbers, etc. I knew that people used guns to hunt, and that just because you had a gun didn’t mean you were a criminal, but opportunties to hear about or observe that kind of gun usage were few and far between. No one in my family had a gun, or hunted or anything. So it wasn’t until I met my husband that I even ever laid eyes on one outside of tv.
To the contrary, my husband grew up surrounded by them. Everyone hunted. They are family heirlooms passed down with pride. The day you got your first gun was a big deal and made you feel special. All of my in-laws have their own, and while they all live together in 1 locked family gun case, everyone still shows extreme pride in their particular gun.
Our reference points are very different, and while I’m not trying to start a discussion about gun safety and guns and kids and guns in homes…my point is that my husband was taught from a very early age, about them, how to handle them, how to maintain and care for them, and to respect them, not fear them. He was given the tools and the knowledge and then was trusted to put that knowledge into practice. He wasn’t allowed to take his shot gun out unsupervised, but was allowed to take his bb gun and frequently went out and shot things (I’m kinda fuzzy on the actual animal that got the short end of this stick..probably birds and rodents), As a consequence, he is a very safe gun user, and there has never been an incident of a child finding one or any hunting accidents etc – not one single incident in the whole of his extended family. I however, am still very nervous around them, and find myself making stupid stupid mistakes over and over again while trying to learn, because I was sheltered my whole life from them. I am repeatedly corrected on where to point the gun when not in use by his 12 year old cousin. (this same cousin also taught me how to drive the 4-wheeler and operate the skeet shoot thingy so as not to get whapped in the face – clearly this is an area where I excel 😀 ).
I always said I didn’t want my kid exposed to guns, but honestly after reading alot of opinions on this website, I think I would rather have her benefit from what her father and his family have to offer in terms of showing her just one other part of this big world we all live in. As oppossed to becoming another scaredy cat like her mother. I’m not saying I want her to become a hunter, and I’m not overly thrilled about inheriting 4 generations worth of shotguns, but it would be nice if my daughter grows up and isn’t as nervous around them as I am. It will probably make her safer.
And thats my story…long and rambling.
I am close to weeping with joy at finding that I am not alone. I let my kids (ages 5 and 1) play outside in the street, with me right there on the curb watching for cars. We live on a suburban “circle” street that has very little traffic, and what traffic there is is slow because of the street design. MY NEIGHBOR ACTUALLY CALLED CPS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS. I am still bewildered that a quiet suburban street (in a neighborhood with NO SIDEWALKS—where else you gonna walk but the roadway?) is considered by my neighbors to be full of land mines and invisible child molesters. Or whatever the danger is that they are imagining. It’s definitely not the cars. As I said, I’ve got that covered.
(Thank goodness CPS was reasonable… the social worker clearly felt sorry for me as I broke down… and frankly I also felt a little sorry for her, having to waste time on BS calls… she closed the case immediately as unfounded.)
I have been a free range kid fan since I read your original piece about letting your son use the subway in The Funny Times. My very social daughter has just started school and we’ve already had a little trouble with the staff of the on-site afterschool day care, because she LOVES people and will talk to anyone, including the “strangers” (other parents from the neighborhood with their kids) on the playground. We have never been believers in stranger danger and have never discouraged her from speaking to anyone. This has only resulted in her (and us) becoming familiar with a lot of people in our community – as it should be.
Jamie,
My parents were like you and your DH. Mom was raised in Canada – though rural guns were rare. Not much hunting on PEI – fishing yes.
Dad was a Texan. He was a trick rider in the Houston Fatstock show, and learned how to shoot young. Mom new basic safety but wasn’t interested in shooting the guns. (Basic safety is a MUST if you have guns in the house). Sis and I grew up shooting. Sis mentioned just recently we need to find out if it is still legal to target shoot on our family farm – because her daughter is going to be old enough to start with Dad’s 22 soon. Neither one of us hunt, but we enjoy the sport of target shooting.
There has never been a gun injury in our family either. Also when my friends tried to pressure me into showing them Dad’s guns. I asked my father for help. He talked to their parents and the friends came out to our farm an learned to shoot properly.
We never thought of Mom as a scariedy cat. Our parents had different interests and taught us different things.
For example open water was Mom’s dominion. She grew up on an island and had salt water in her blood. Mom set the rules and taught us safety. Even as a rebellious teenager Sis obeyed them. She and friends went to the beach 70 miles away on the QT. Our parents found out about it because she and her friends were still fighting when they got home. Sis, the driver, threatened to leave them there if they didn’t stop swimming out from shore. (There was a steep drop off after the 2nd sandbar and depending on the weather sometimes a nasty riptide. There are rarely life guards on Texas beaches and this one did not have one).
I have very mixed feelings about this issue. On one hand, I would like my 4 children to be “free-range”, but the dangers are real. I have one friend who lost a small child in a very preventable accident while unsupervised and she regrets not being extra vigilant.
I have lived in four different countries with my children and have felt the most unsafe and unsettled during our 6 years in the US. In Sweden, my children had more freedom and were able to walk to school and the park safely, even taking the baby along. In Hong Kong, the biggest danger was cars and busses. At the age of 8, they were allowed to go to the store with a friend and take taxis the next year. We return to my native US each summer and they do not go anywhere alone, even my 13 year old. There are just too many creeps around and I know too many children who have been molested or abused.
We now live in mainland China, the kids 6-13 and within our enclosed community of 350 villas and apartments, our children are free to roam. They walk to the nearby school and play outside until dinner. The two older children are also allowed to go to the unattended pool. No taxis here and no going alone outside the gated neighborhood(not like a US gated community, virtually every apartment complex here is like this), which is rife with prostitutes, ransom kidnappings every few weeks and robberies. Honestly, the only place where I worry about sex-predators is in the US and a bit in Europe.
How do my kids learn about the world? We have traveled extensively in SE Asia, China and India as well as Europe. They are learning about the world, know how to order plane/train/bus tickets, call the police in many countries and buy food. I would rather be overprotective of their personal safety than take any risks while in the US. My parents live in Texas and there are many sex-offenders on the map nearby. Why would I let my children run around when the predator danger is very real. Perhaps there are only 115 stranger abductions in the US each year(still a lot!) there are thousands of cases of stranger abuse and molestation.
Jamie, re guns, I grew up like you, and my sister-in-law grew up like your husband. I served in the IDF and am still uncomfortable around guns. Although IDF soldiers are careful with their weapons and try to be considerate, on crowded public transporation the poor guys have so much gear you still occasionally end up with an assault rifle or machine gun unwittingly aimed at you — not my cup of tea. Your post was very thought-provoking. Perhaps us anti-gun folk are fed propaganda too?
Just read “The Last Word” in “The Week” magazine from last May. Most enjoyable and I agree with you 100%. We raised 5 kids in a semi rural area. They were always running around, playing with friends, in the creek, exploring the local swamp. Our society is in dire need of someone like you. YOU GO GIRL!!!
Just returned the book back to the library. I loved it.
I currently do not live in an ideal suburb, but Lowell Massachusetts.
I come from a transition generation and a personal experience. I was the later born of Gen X, as a child I admit I had some free range. Any negatives in my childhood would not be from the free-range philosophy. But when I was 13 my brother died in a car accident, he was 18, driving by himself assuming recklessly. It was not late and he was not drunk. For the past 19 years it’s been quite hard dealing with my mother’s over-protectiveness/paranoia regarding everything and anything about safety at times. It doesn’t help she switched between CNN and Fox all day long either.
My oldest of four is now seven. Two nights ago I had her read the directions of a microwavable item and use the microwave all by herself to make the food item, reminding her the plate was hot and to use potholders. Last night though I had her warm up some leftovers. I told her the plate was fine but remove the metal spoon. I turned away in the other room, only to find she replaced the bowl and kept the spoon.
Yes, I did go in the other room. Yes, she could of hurt herself badly. Thankfully I did catch it. It doesn’t mean I never let her use the microwave again though. We will work on it the next time. One could call it a free-range failure, but we need to see it much differently. The ages of 5-12 should be like having a learners permit. We need to take advantage of this time to teach them as much as possible to their ability.
For those who seem initially against the idea of free-range, borrow the book, it has ‘baby steps’.
Renee, your letter reminded me that when I was 13, a friend of my cousin was murdered at college. My parents, who were not over-protective, decided that I would not be going away to school. At the end of my senior year, instead of standing up for myself and telling them it wasn’t fair to penalize me for an unfortunate incident that happened to someone else’s kid, I went to my guidance counselor and had her back me up. It worked, I went away to college, and was not murdered. Moral: Even sane folks can be driven to irrational behavior by tragedy.
I am 56.My father and mother grew up in the Bronx.I grew up on Long Island.My grandmother would pack a lunch for my father when he was 10 and put him on the subway to Ebbetts Field to watch the Dodgers play.She batted and eye that he would be home in time for supper.When I was 11 I would ride my bike all over town delivering papers and be home in time for supper.My friend Brian and I at 12 learned how to hop the trains into Manhatten and we got to know the subway systems quite well.Being that age was always a free pass so we never paid a dime for the fare.We would go to China Town and buy fireworks,find the next train heading east and hop it back home getting there in time for supper.It was great time to grow up.We had the hobe mentality.We would hitch hike all over Long Island always getting a ride,sometimes from creepy people but we always relied on our wits.Not that I condone such behavior but we learned fast about what life was outside of the TV room and Sunday dinner table which came in handy when I left home for good at 18 and managed my own affiars without any help from mom.Dad died when I was 17.I have two boys 19 and 22 and they are free to follow their own course knowing that they are in charge of their destiny.Good or bad.They’ll learn it on their wits as I did.
We can patiently teach our children to tie their shoes, set the table, ride a bike, etc., but the teaching of how to use their minds creatively as well as how to be the guardian of their safety is done slowly over time and interspersed with independent practice. The brain gets hardwired by its learning and its experiences as it goes through childhood. If we as parents are doing all of the thinking about and watching for danger, a child’s brain loses the opportunity to develop these skills at critical developmental stages.
As an extreme example, not involving safety, but recognizing one’s internal signals. The parent of a friend of my son’s when he was potty training, asked him if he needed to go practically every 5 minutes. As a result, he was 12 and still spotting before he realized his body was telling him to take care of business.
My son is now 33 and will go off to Iraq in January 2010. I wish that were not so, but he is a West Point graduate, and was in the Army Ranger unit for a while, so he has the training. But what I take most comfort in, is that he was raised to think for himself, act responsibly, listen to his intuition, be aware of his surroundings, use all of his senses to experience what the world or a person is telling him, etc. And he had lots of opportunities to practice at age appropriate levels.
My 27 year old daughter drives on a road that I just read about someone going over the side and rolling down the hill. Fortunately he was wearing his seat belt and the car landed right side up. But when I read that article that mother part of me feared for my daughter’s safety.
I share these two examples of the current situation with my children to highlight for those with younger children, that our job as parents is to teach our children and give them the tools, the courage, and the sense of responsibility for their choices. I was much happier as a parent when my son was stationed in a quiet little town in Germany, and I would be happier if my daughter didn’t have to frequently drive on a windy, foggy road on the coast of California.
But my children are in charge of their own lives now and I just have to hope that as a parent I have given them all the tools they need to keeps themselves safe, happy, growing and thriving.
Karla, I was just reading your post from Sept 11 tha that was still in my personal email. One aspect of free range parenting that I haven’t read much of in here is the kinds of things one asks of a child when they are quite young that aren’t necessarily being somewhere alone.
For example, my daughter and I took a trip to a nearby resort area for the weekend when she was 9 years old. It was a trip she had wanted to do, so I had her make the calls to find out about hotel pricing, and some of the activities we wanted to do (this was pre-internet). She also got the maps and mapped out our route (pre-GPS), and during the drive, she navigated. When I was low on gas or we needed to stop at a rest area, she looked for signs to help let me know.
Both of my children started cooking dinner a couple of times a week when they were in high school. Prior to that they helped with a lot of the cooking. It was not a chore – they enjoyed it, and it meant dinner was earlier than I could make it. What a joy to come home from work and have dinner made. (I was a single parent.) They also truly felt they were contributing to the family’s needs and doing something very important. And when others are enjoying the meal you have prepared it feels very grown up.
I notice that my son who is now married, cooks half the time, and thinks to pick up needed groceries on the way home from work.
I used to be one of those overprotective crazy parents who wouldn’t let their kids out of their sight. I moved from California to Idaho. I was used to a neighborhood where not only did you not want your kid running around by themselves, but sometimes even being with them wasn’t enough. There were gangs, drugs and guns. It just wasn’t safe. I lived in Idaho for 3 years. Even though the area was smaller and there weren’t as many problems, I still had trouble letting the kids be kids.
Recently I moved to a very small town in Nevada. In the 7 and a half months that I’ve lived here, I’ve learned to let my kids be kids. They ride their bikes to school. They walk to a friends house alone. I do require that my 5 year old son be either with his 11 year old sister or their 9 year old friend, but they are allowed to run around the neighborhood like kids. I know that in my small community everyone knows my kids. Everyone knows me. People watch out for people here. It makes it easier to have a “free-range kid”. I still get hesitant about somethings. But I can honestly say, my kids are happier. They talk more openly about things. My son is more social. They have more friends.
Bottom line…my “free-range kids” are just happier.
I am one of the overprotective parents and I will stay that way. When I was a child, I did have free range, and honestly though I did develop independence I was put in a lot of situations that I should not have been in (had a knife pulled on me at 10, had a pervert call me to his car and flash me) and I did not live in a bad neighborhood! Sadly this world is becoming less and less safe and I don’t think we should open our children to unnecessary risks at a young age. In my very “well-to-do” town there have been 3 attempted child abductions this year and a number of crimes in broad daylight. I let my kids play on the street, but I keep an eye on them. I let them have their own relationships with their friends, but I know that they are safe. I teach my kids independence and I don’t think I need to jeopardize their safety to do so.
Michelle S, it sounds like you are really thinking carefully about how to maintain that balance in parenting of protecting and providing opportunities for indepedence. But I was struck by your belief that the world is less safe today than in the past. Especially since 9/11, but even before that we have become a nation of fear. With respect to crime and other things that can harm our children, such as disease, we are safer today than we have ever been. Crime is down across the nation and we can generally expect our children to survive childhood, while just two centuries ago, a family was lucky if half the children born survived to adulthood. I think we need to be careful not to raise our children with too much fear of everything.
Hurray! I’m not a parent but I’m definitely a free-range step parent and wish more kids had opportunities to become more self-reliant. Risk is a part of life for all of us, children and adults alike. I taught myself how to ride a 2-wheeler when I was 4, I was regularly home alone from about 3rd grade on, and actually flew solo from Paris to New York (negotiating taxis and such) when I was 15. I’m seriously worried about how our coddled children will handle adulthood.
Helynna: In 1959, the year I was born, if 1000 mothers had babies 961 of them could expect to see their kid turn 20. In 2004, the last year I have reliable figures for, 987 of them could. That’s a 67% decrease in childhood deaths, in just the last 50 years (it’s only, however, a 2.7% increase in childhood survival; the two figures won’t be identical unless you were starting from a 50% survival rate. Note that the maximum possible increase in survival from 1959 would be 4%, and the maximum possible increase from today would be 1.3%).
Hurray for Helynna, for looking for ways to give her kids independence that don’t depend on exposing them to possible danger and aren’t connected with where she lives, i.e., ‘burbs / urbana.
My husband can’t understand why I bother buying breakfast cereal in town just to save NIS 2.00. Besides the savings, it means my daughter, who takes gymnastics in town, and who along with her sister is the main consumer of said cereal, has to purchase it. That means scheduling it in, plus simply the whole “exercise” of purchasing in a supermarket, navigating the line, interacting with the cashier, and above all the raised awareness of What Stuff Costs. Win-win all around: She gets her cereal, I check it off my to-do list. What could be bad?
Yam Erez, That is such a good idea. You really packed a lot of life’s lessons in one errand, and they don’t even mind doing it because it is something they want. You are one wise woman!
I am 13 years old and I would class my self a ‘free range’ kid. We live on an exceptionally quiet, dead end street with just 13 houses. Over the road is large patches of steep, hilly jungle which whilst, yes does belong to the house opposite, we were always allowed to play on. (being very friendly with all your neighbours does help!)
From the age of 4, the two boys (same age) who lived next door and I could play outside unsupervised, mostly on bikes. We had great fun – climbing trees, having races, playing imaginary games and generally amusing our self for hours at a time. Yes we all suffered minor cuts and bruises, Jamie even broke his arm and all our bikes were stolen, but in the end I think that we were better off for it.
Now me and my 11 year old neighbour Jenny, simply go in for each other after school and at weekends to go out and amuse our self. We spend hours in the field with some miniature Shetland ponies, cycle to some bike jumps, climb trees, play games which involve getting filthy and covered in cuts and scratches, go to the park ect…
Jenny is very mature for her age and we’ve been close for almost 3 year now. We’re both into the same sort of things and neither of us mind spending an hour or more crawling through spiky bushes, plants and mud playing a game where you have to get
from one end of the road to the other without being seen.
I love it all and couldn’t bear to be like some of my friends who spend all of their time in scheduled ‘play dates’ and activities.
Timeline
4 – playing outside unsupervised
7 – Walked to school (about half a mile) on my own
9 – Cycled to school on my own, could go to local shops/park by myself or with friends, could cycle to friends houses ect…
11/12 – Took the bus to shopping centre with my friends
12 – Took the bus into town with my friends. Could go anywhere around there, even when it involved walking a couple of miles down back streets and alleys just to go to a particular shop.
Sophie, I like your style! You know what? When my kids go into town with friends, I’m less concerned with their navigating traffic or stranger danger than I am with their hanging out at the mall, simply because of all the negative, sexist, consumerist messages they absorb. By far the greatest danger, IMO. Would rather they be scratching themselves on brambles while playing capture the flag…
Thanks, Helynna. Your post came just after I was (or felt) attacked in a discussion on gender stereotyping, a subject close to my heart. Really, thanks.
Yam, I think too often people jump all over us when they think we are wrong, but we all need people to share with us when we do well, even more, because most of us have strong inner critics that are on duty 24/7. Gender stereotyping – now that’s an issue to get me fired up.
Count me in the ‘for’ column.
Let me tell a short story that I hope you like.
To set the stage – life was a bit rough. Mom had just died a few months before, and dad had gone through one heck of a brutal treatment of his own, that he finally stopped early because it was doing more damage to him than the illness (he’s fine now). We were both worn out, sick of eachother’s company but desperate for eachother’s support.
But I had a friend who lived about 300 miles away who wanted me to come visit for a New Year’s party she was throwing. I was pretty excited about the idea. A bit of time for Dad AND me to relax away from eachother, to unwind, and a bit party with some good friends I knew (strictly!) from online meetings and phone calls. Dad was nervous when I proposed it. A whole week? A three hundred mile drive? But he bit down and said alright, and so I went out for my first big time road trip all on my own, away from home…
At the age of twenty two.
My parents were definitely not free-range parents, but they weren’t extreme hypersafety folk either. Living in Italy I walked home three blocks from the bus stop from the time I was six. Then again, I wasn’t allowed to go to the mall on my own until I was seventeen once we got back to the states. It was strange, and my mother definitely got MORE protective as I grew older (what a backward thing!). I think I should have gone to that party a few years earlier, both for my sake and theirs, but I know it was love that motivated them, not insanity.
The point is, if I as a kid could walk through a neighborhood in a -foreign country-, not knowing the language, for three whole years…what exactly made it more dangerous in a place I -did- know the language, in which I had a cell phone?
I loved my mother, and I still love my father, and part of that love is knowing that I can admit when they were wrong, and learn from it. My kids will definitely be ‘free range’ when I choose to adopt.
Good fortune, Lenore!
William Cain
Thanks, Helynna. I’ve written a few blog posts on gender stereotyping. I thought I was the last one left who’s even aware of it. See my blog at http://StandByYourName.blogspot.com.
My grandmother’s parents died when she was 12, she was left to tend a farm, and look after 10 siblings, which she did, with a bi-weekly visit from her uncles who lived a few miles away. This was not an ideal situation, but our family did what they had to do. All of those children grew up safe and sound, and I and my children are the proof of it.
It is a sad thing that in this same country today, one might be jailed or have their children taken away for leaving a 12 year old alone just to run an errand!
When I was in Berlin a few years ago, when school let out, the subways and the streets were filled with young kids with keys on shoestrings around their necks, which is something of a tradition, I’m told. It was so nice to see this, and I suddenly realized that things were like that when I was a kid in the 70s.
I realized the world had changed, and I had barely noticed how much until I saw all those kids. Laughing, enjoying life and independence, but also minding the traffic lights, and the train schedules. I came back to the States and the streets were quiet. I now live in Tucson, and while there are five homes on my block with playsets in their yards. I have neither seen nor heard a kid outside in six months.
Thanks for what you’re doing here. You’ve got my vote!
I forgot to mention that when I was 16 I was largely out of the house, and on whim, I hitch-hiked to Texas from Minnesota with another kid I knew. The cops picked me up in east Texas, where I was camping with some other kids we had met on the road, and called my mother. She asked if I had broken any laws, and when they said no, she asked what they were doing picking me up. They said she should come and get me, and she said “he got there himself – he can get back himself” and I did. What an adventure that was! And here I am safe and sound!
Last summer, I sent my two oldest back to their mom’s house, and they had to change planes in Chicago. My son is 14, and my daughter is 11. They’re mom was worried sick, but I had been having them lead me through airports and public places since they were old enough to recognize what certain signs meant. Naturally, they didn’t have a problem navigating the airport, and I never doubted their ability to deal with a gate change, or a canceled flight, for a minute. The most difficult part of that event for me was pretending I was equally worried to placate their mother 😉
Chuck, good for your mom! She told ’em! Sad what you said about not seeing a single kid outdoors.
It is sad. When my kids were here for the summer, I could scarcely find any playmates for them. “it’s too hot to play outside” was a common reason given. Well it is hot in Tucson in the summer, but that’s why we have water and sunscreen! I didn’t grow up here, but when I was a kid, if you were hot, you went into a neighbor’s yard and guzzled water straight from the garden hose – along with every other kid on the block. I’m sure generations of kids have played in the desert sun.
And as far as the hose goes, exposure to all those germs actually fortified our immune systems and made us much more liable to fend off infections and viruses. I hear about college kids dying of mono, or the flu and I can’t help but wonder if they ever were exposed to any adverse biology growing up. Or did they just live in a bubble?
We are supposed to be social creatures. Isolation from others, and their germs, in pursuit of a perfectly ‘safe’ life, really seems to do just the opposite, setting kids up for social malfunction and vulnerability to disease as adults.
I raised a free range kid. I have multiple stories of people who told me I was wrong and endangering her life. Now she is a well adjusted independent adult at a college 1000 miles from home and having the time of her life while staying on the Dean’s list. When she was in her public middle school, she walked home, 8 blocks, in the city of Richmond every day and enjoyed her time at home alone, without me and without 700 other noisy kids. One of our neighbors invited her to come home every day with her daughter. My daughter liked this friend and sometimes did, but most times declined. She came from a quiet one child family and she really needed to decompress after school. The neighbor’s uncle came to see me at my office one day, we often did business together. He actually told me that he was worried about my kid. “What is the concern,” I asked and he explained that Grace had no reason to be home alone when his sister had invited Grace over to be with them every day till I got home from work. I explained that Grace liked spending time alone, and he got the queerest look on his face of pity and shock, and then couldn’t stop himself from admitting he had seen the movie “thirteen” recently and he was now sure that Grace was probably taking drugs. He wanted me to please look into the possiblity. He further said he did not understand why for my own piece of mind, I did not make Grace go over to her friend’s house. He left my office feeling self satisfied that he had made a heroic intervention. AFter I stopped being incensed for about 10 minutes, I laughed myself all the way home. This guy had no kids of his own, then I remembered he once told me about a trip he took to New Orleans and how scared he was, and his niece, my daughters friend, was a rebellious 13 yr old socialite, she was far more likely to be the first to experiement with drugs. It was unbelieveable and the thought of it still cracks me up. I really laught when I think about how he must have really debated hard with himself about approaching me and I finally getting up the balls because he thought it was a matter of life and death.
Chuck, interesting theory about germs. My kids think Americans’ obsession with hand sanitizer is hilarious. Unfortunately with swine flu it’s catching on here too (the fact that many public bathrooms, including in schools, don’t have hand soap doesn’t seem to fase anyone).
I live in the desert, in a climate similar to Tuscon’s. While I hide from the sun, kids who grow up here love nothing more than to hang out at the pool in the 40 c. -degree weather. Have you checked out public pools for your kids?
There is an astonishingly small amount of public pools here, in my opinion, but I’ve got some friends who have access to some private ones. We do spend a lot of time in them in the summer!
With so many kids being kept indoors, and occupied with the TV and the game systems, and parents living in fear of the big bad world out there, public demand for such things has fallen sharply over the years. Hopefully one outcome of the free range movement will be an increased demand for public recreational facilities. I was thinking the other day, as strange as it may sound, that the poor economy might actually help this, in that parents have less money to spend on electronics and movies, etc. Kids might have to make do with an empty field, a few sticks, and their imagination! Other negative aspects of the recession notwithstanding, this could be good for the next generation!
OMG–I can’t believe someone called you a dumbass. I think you rock. I read an interview with you yesterday morning as I was muddling over what I felt was someone judging me for sending my kid on a school camp out without her parents. You threw me a life line, or an anchor, or something like that. I explain here: http://figslavendercheese.blogspot.com/2009/10/americas-worst-mom.html
Many thanks.
First I have to say to those who are criticizing this; Free Range does not mean throwing out common sense or letting your children run wild with no boundaries at all. Before you throw names or derision at the author you should read her book and see what she’s really saying.
Now, I try my best to let my children be “free range”. My son gets to run around at the park and playground(my daughter isn’t walking yet). At playdates I try to let the kids work out their issues themselves (as long as no one is in danger of injury). I’ve had several other moms refer to me as being “laid back” and they usually follow that comment with a wish that they could be the same way. My mom was overprotective and while I know it came out of love I struggle daily not to repeat what I view as her mistakes. By comparison with many of today’s children I was “free range” but compared to my peers I was anything but. My husband and I would like to view ourselves as “free range” parents but like many others we are limited by our surroundings. There are no sidewalks here. There are known drug dealers in our neighborhood. While there are kids on our street who have the freedom you advocate I would not trust my child to be safe if he were to hang out with most of them.
My husband and I would dearly love to move but cannot afford to (we own our house). We hope to move to a better location within the next 5 years. When we do we will be searching for a neighborhood where there are sidewalks, parks, and safe paths for our children to walk to school as we did.
I agree with some of the previous posters that there is no real black and white, just lots of gray. What is safe for one child at a certain age is not necessarily best for another. Common sense and a knowledge of what your child is ready for are a big part of raising a free range child in my opinion.
How refreshing! In a world where parents pride themselves on being “helicopter parents” it is nice to hear from the other side. I am often made to feel like letting my kids walk to school is a result of laziness, where I see it as quite the opposite. There is a lot of teaching involved in cultivating a confident, secure child. It is easier to bag the lesson and grab your car keys. Thanks for the web site. It is great.
I am an admitted hoverer. I had never let my two sons go into a public restroom without my husband or myself since hearing legitimate news reports of an attempted attack by a pedophile on a 13 year old boy at a local mall restroom here in New Jersey. (You see, there really are pedophiles in our own backyards.)
One day, I decided that maybe I was being absurd and I finally let my boys go to a public restroom (together) while we were visiting a local state park along the Hudson River. The parking lot was uncrowded and I didn’t see anyone suspicious around … and I stayed very close to the building. I was shocked to see my sons running back toward me after being gone for just a few seconds. They explained that as soon as they opened the door to the restroom, they saw a man standing in the public area of the restroom wearing nothing but his underwear. My older son who has some understanding of things was definitely alarmed by this discovery … my younger son just thought it was weird.
Ever since then, it’s my sons who are the ones who don’t want to go into a public restroom alone. We don’t know if that man had a good reason for standing in the middle of the men’s room with only his underwear on, but its a struggle to think of one. I am just extremely grateful that my older son had accompanied my younger son to the restroom that day. It makes me sick to think what could’ve happened if my 7 year old had gone in by himself.
Does it have for or against? I believe in giving my children freedom but it has to be reasonable. I let my very responsible 7.5 year old stay alone while I go do things in the neighborhood but I would never let my 6 year old stay alone and I still might not when he is 7.5. How much freedom you can give a child depends on the child’s age, his/her level of common sense, the neighborhood or building you live in. I think is all so subjective.
Just Call Me Crazy: How awful! It´s really discouraging having to teach your children what to do in those situations. I know my parents did, and although sometimes I wondered if the world was as shitty as they pictured it, it turned out their advice came in extremely handy at times…
The lesson I valued most was not to feel embarrased at other people´s inappropiate behaviour. Once, when I was about eleven, a heartless woman managed to cheat me and took all my savings. My father was angrier than I ever saw him. The lesson he taught me was not to mistrust everybody. “You feel embarrased” he told me, “but you have done nothing wrong. This woman asked for your help, and you gave it to her. Don´t let her prevent you from lending help to those who really need it. As you grow older, you will learn how to tell people apart, but trusting others is never wrong. Deceiving is what´s wrong”.
Great man, my dad…
Mary: that´s the whole point. If there was a law passed that forbid you to leave your eldest home alone, and threatened you with jail for it, you would consider it unfair, wouldn´t you? We are not telling you to leave your youngest alone. We are trying to tell the authorities and nosy neighbours that you know your kids better than they do, and you know who you can leave alone and when. And their job is to provide safe, helpful neighbourhoods. Prosecute the baddies, don´t imprison honest citizens in their homes!
I’m 17 years old and about to go to college. I grew up in an all white Chicago suburb with “helicopter parents”. I can’t tell you how much i wish my parents would have given me more freedom during my childhood. Now i feel as though I’m being forced to enter a world that i know absolutely nothing about. I think that more people ought to raise free range children and the real lunatics are those parents that feel that they must censor every aspect of their child’s life.
When I was a kid we were all over the place, sometimes encountering dangerous situations and sometimes not knowing what to do. Parents cannot think of every scenerio and teach their children what to do in every case. But we live and learn. I wish my parents had given us more advise on what to do in case of danger and in making safer choices about where to play etc. BUT, RISK TAKING IS ESSENTIAL TO LEARNING HOW TO LIVE IN OUR SOCIETY. Call it Free Range or learning independance, whatever you want, but I for one have taught my children basic safety and I cross my fingers, watch the clock, worry a little and thank the Lord when my children come home safe each day. Really, it is the best way to prepare them for our world. The girl who was kidnapped and made to live in tents and have children by her captor, her stepfather was watching her wait at the bus stop and she was abducted right before his eyes! You cannot prevent every sick person from doing horrible things, and this stepdad did all the right things to keep his child safe. Love them, teach them and pray.
It’s hard for me but I agree.
I love the movement you are pushing. I grew up in the 70’s as a free-range child, or what was considered “normal” in those days.
Children are way too protected these days. Supervision does not stop injury. I have seen many parent shover over their children and they still fall, still get scratched.
I bet most of the people that have put in posts pro-free range are the 70’s children and the con-free range are the late 80’s children where the coddling began. I think the media is partly responsible for how parnoid people are these days. The same predators were around when we were children. It’s just no one sat in front of a 60 inch TV with over 500+ channels all day watching every news reports/tv program from all over the world. We connected with neighbors, we walked, we had weekend gatherings. Nowadays everyone parks in the garage and stays in their bubble. So sad.
Get out people – meet your neighbors – explore your community and then the world would not seem so scary to send your children out into.
I think it’s alot of common sense–it is sad that our children can’t have the fun that we had however I have raised my children as close to that as possible–my children, 26,25,18–have had that freedom thankfully and I think they are better for it–my husband and I call them street smart–but they have alot of common sense–that’s what parents lack now adays–I say that when they, forgive me, fart out their baby they fart out part of their brains also–it’s so crazy. PS–I was always called a “bad mother” too because I didn’t hover.
My children were supervised when they were younger and that supervision was appropriately lessened as they matured. As parents, it is our duty to guide our children, to supervise them more when they’re younger and to teach them how to be safe, then to slowly let them go as they mature.
I can’t say that I agree with the author because I would never let my 9 yr-old ride the subway alone. To me, that is inappropriate.
Finally, a parent with some common sense that isn’t afraid to speak out.
It is disingenuous to say that our kids will be fine because “most of us” survived our own childhoods just fine. “Free range” parents can advocate for early independence only because they are the SURVIVORS. We have no way of hearing from the children who did not survive. The ones who drank poison from a cola bottle, who died in car crashes unrestrained, who fell into ponds and drowned, who were run over by cars in the street, who fell out of trees. My child’s independence is being granted gradually, but his safety is important to me. Not only that, but the “free-range” children in my town are the ones who are getting into trouble and failing in school. Sorry, but I don’t want that kind of diminished life for my child.
YAY! I am so glad I found you all 🙂
I have a lot of friends who homeschool their kids and basically keep them in a bubble, but what happens when they go to college or into the real world and that bubble pops? My 8 yr old is considered “cool” because she’s allowed to wear a 2 piece bathing suit, listen to Hannah Montana and watch tv when she feels like it. I ALWAYS know where my kids are and who they are with because they travel in pairs and have a cell phone on and with them at all times. That’s MY security blanket 🙂 We live in a sleepy beach community where everyone pretty much knows everyone so they know when something’s not right and I trust them and teach them instead of scaring them like everything on the news.
Lenore, thanks for having the guts to speak what a lot of us are thinking!
LOVE IT! why live with fear when you can live with love? law of attraction people… your children sense your fear…they begin to fear… they attract bad things to happen…
BRAVO Lenore Skenazy!!
BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO.
When are we gonna encourage kids to deliver newspapers again!! (my first job)
When are we gonna encourage kids to be caddies at golf courses again!!! (my second job).
Take busses to the beach?
Ride bicycles to the other side of town?
When are we gonna start making our kids THINK again?!?!
GET THEM OUT FROM IN FRONT OF THE DAMN TV AND VIDEO GAMES AND OUTTA THE HOUSE!!
Personal story…. when I was 12, my parents flew me over to London (by myself) to see my brother in the Air Force.
Sent him a telegram letting him know I was coming.
He never got it.
I arrived in London and no one was there to meet me.
If that happened today, my parents would be arrested.
But ya know what?
I Survived…..I FIGURED things out and got out to my brother’s base, 40 miles from London.
FREE THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA!!!
You go girl!!
Shopping, library, school etc.,
When appropriate I use the sentence, “I belong to
the Free Range Kids Club. Immediate interest occurs.
Grandma, (Mimmay) 71
Thrilled to pieces to find a site like this!! When I was a kid (admittedly a bit more sheltered, we lived in a very, very bad area of town) we did everything we could alone. We’d go to cousin’s houses and be gone for hours and nobody ever worried where we were. I remember one time being sent to the blueberry patch with several other cousins various ages between 7-13 alone a few miles from home. We were on bikes and gone for quite a few hours. So much freedom!
Currently we live on a military base on the East Coast. My oldest son (adhd too) rides his bike to school daily, comes home to do homework and then gets told to be home by dark. Weekends it’s the same thing. Children need to learn to survive without mommy and daddy in their business. They need to learn to fight their own battles themselves.
Thank you for reminding people to let children be free!!!
I feel like I’ve been liberated myself knowing that there’s a whole movement to encourage society back into the far too often abandoned ways of child-rearing. I have an 18-month-old and two flights of stairs and only one gate and I know that my family is horrified by this. We have locks on two or three (of dozens) of cabinets. Beyond that, we don’t child-proof.
Compare that with people we know who go to the extreme of putting rubber cushions on the corners of every table. I can’t understand that. It’s a level of protection that strikes me as dangerous since it teaches a child that the corner of the table really won’t hurt that much if you hit your head on it. So, what happens when they’re at my house?
Part of the problem, in my view, is that parents don’t want to teach/discipline their children TO do this, NOT to do that. You corral them into the space you want them and then you’re not required to worry about what they’re getting into or doing. Maybe Free Range Kids should accompany a movement for Involved Parenting where parents guide their kids so they learn proper behavior and values.
I’m more excited that I can even say right now that this is going on!
I remember reading the article about your letting your son ride the subway alone and thinking, “Finally, a sane parent. I didn’t know there was such a thing.” Coddled, overprotected children grow up to be paranoid, fearful adults who think the world owes them a safe, risk free life. I see friends who “baby proof” as much of their worlds as possible and remember all the glass knick-knacks my grandmother had on display that we were taught not to touch by being slapped on the hands and told “no”. There’s a concept…I never hear that anymore…parents want to “talk” to the their children instead of teach them. Somehow, children are the axis around which households rotate instead of part of a functional family group in which they must learn their place and their responsibility within it. There is an insidious sense of entitlement that is rampant in modern society. I suspect this overprotected, apron-string hugging generation is responsible for it.
Just another pathetic story about UPTIGHT parents and their kids. My daughters 2nd grade class trip was going to Disney (an hour bus ride away) and there we only enough seats for the students and the alotted amount of chaperones. Well some of the parents didn’t sign up on time (mind you, one was a lawyer, one was a doctor, one was the mayor, and one was a stay at home mom). Well, they moaned and groaned that they didn’t want their kids to go to be “dissapointed” because they wouldn’t let them go without them (their parents). Well, my kid KNOWS that she needs to stay with her group, she knows what to do if she does get lost AND she has a cell phone JUST IN CASE. Maybe these “helicopter” parents just don’t trust THEIR kids to do the right thing. Well, they pitched a fit and my daughter and a LOT of other kids were “dissapointed” because these “bubble” parents got the trip cancelled.
Another thing, I didn’t leave my house for TWO MONTHS when my first child was born because I watched the news and scared myself silly. My kids (8, 7 and 1) are “street smart” and I don’t expect ANYONE to do my part of parenting, feeding, or entertaining my children. It takes a villiage (in our case, a neighborhood) to raise a child. There are lots of kids on out street and neighborhood who bounce from house to house playing and exploring. These kids know whats going on in the world, they just have to be “learned” and that is our job as parents, NOT to keep them sheltered inside, ignorant to the world.
We had new folks move in next door and they teased me about being the town crier because I look out my HUGE front window while passing through my family room all day, but ya know what? That all stopped when I called them on vacation and asked them if there was supposed to be a big black van in their driveway. Hmmmmmm……..
I think there is a HUGE difference between free-range kids and kids who’s parents are too busy or lazy to bother with them.
RAE: I think you summed it up PERFECTLY!!
” Free Range does not mean throwing out common sense or letting your children run wild with no boundaries at all.”
Thanks for letting me rave/rant again, I LOVE this place!
Jen
I’m not sure where to reply, so I’ll try here. I have to agree with your assessment about Americans getting a little fear crazy when it comes to men and the relationships they have with our children. I am a recently widowed mother to two little girls (4 and 5). Their father did everything a parent is supposed to do including diaper changes and baths. I’ve been hearing recently of fathers who are not comfortable doing these normal things with their daughters (absolutely ridiculous of course). When I first heard of an instance of this I figured that it was certainly an isolated incident, but I’ve been hearing it more.
My oldest daughter is in Kindergarten this year and her teacher is male. He’s 24, just out of school and has been a fabulous influence even in the short time she’s been in his classroom.
The biggest male influence they have in their lives now is from my uncle. When my husband became sick (cancer sucks!), my uncle would come to my house and help out any way he could. He made dinners, made sure the house was picked up and generally provided support for my husband and my children while I was at work. Since my husband passed away, he has continued to help. He comes over 3 nights per week and stays the night while I work 3rd shift so I can be home during the day and go to school full time as well. It drives me crazy to think that so many people would not even consider this type of arrangement due to the outdated notion that only women can successfully raise children (especially little girls) and the newfound over- generalized fear of men.
Rae, when you do move, don’t go too suburban. You want some actual human beings around, you don’t want to step outside and feel as if you’re the last survivor after a nuclear holocaust.
Lynn, I love it. Should be on the Ideas page.
gentryDog, your story about a few hovering parents who couldn’t get it together to sign up their kids getting the trip canceled makes me angry. Is there any followup?
Laura, my middle one also was fortunate to have a male kindergarten teacher, but he only lasted a year because some of the cackling hens here had complaints about him (not enough attention to decorating the classroom, for instance), but the implicit reason was that he was male. Yeah, right.
While I agree with the idea of kids being able to go out on their own, what is your stance on kids getting into trouble? Are we passing the responsibility of watching kids over to the shopkeepers or adults walking the streets?
I understand your focus is that of child rights & freedom. But the flip side of that is the right of adults around that child. We all know kids are rarely charged with crimes and when they are, it’s a slap on the wrist. A child would need to almost commit murder for the legal system to take them seriously. So if they’re no penalty for their shoplifting, loitering, unsafe crossing of 4 lane highways, buying drugs, having sex, or doing other illegal activies…. who will stop them if they parent just turns them loose to “make their own decisions” or because the child is “trusted” ?
No parent wants to believe their kid would do bad things. Confronting the parent politely just makes them furious and defensive, even if I saw their child about to be hurt by the boy/girl’s (unsupervised) actions. Even when I was a kid (30 yrs ago) there were some kids who’d go out every so often and smash car windshields with a bat for fun. Mailboxes never stayed attached for long. Windows were broken, trash was thrown. Occasionally one would break into a house, probably for drug money. And this was in a good neighborhood, not some inner-city slum. In my highschool class, many of the kids were sexually active, and several were already dealing with unplanning pregnancies. Half the kids (myself included) binge drank. Some were on pot or trying other drugs. And then, at age 16, were could get drivers’ licenses and were driving around causing mayhem.
How do we balance their exploration of the world with their safety (and the safety of everyone else)?
for those who asked, YES the Disney trip was cancelled. I actually found the e-mail that THEY sent out to the parents with THEIR absurd opinions and also my retort to ALL the 2nd grade parents.
Lenore said it could possibly be on the “Outrage of the week/day?” page so keep your eyes out there for the full story!
Jen
Everything in moderation, folks based on location and circumstances. I live just outside of Warner Robins, Ga. We have a quite street at 35mph., not that people usually go quite that slow. My kids, 8 and 10, wait for the bus on thier own, but not more than a certain distance close to the road. They play out in the yard on our 1.5 acres again away from the road by at least 30 feet(not past the rose bushes). I will leave them in the car long enough to run get bread and milk if they do not want to go–weather permitting for heat/cold. Heaven forbid if one should want to stay home, locked safely in the house, while I run up the street a mile to drop the other off at a friend’s house. And they know they are not to open the door for anyone–not even Santa Claus! It isn’t that hard.
I think you are FABULOUS! 😀 I just found out about you and love reading your blog and look forward to reading your book. Reading some of what people are saying, I never saw you put anywhere “Don’t supervise your kids”, so some of these responses are a kind of ridiculous to me. I think what you’re saying – to prepare your kids instead of place them in bubble, is what needs to be said! Prepare them for world, not to fear it. I could go on and, but I really just wanted to say I love what you’re saying and stand for and KEEP WRITING!!
We had a dad in our community who was so desperate to make friends for his daughter that he invited my two and another girl along to a rock concert a three-hour drive away, with him driving. The following a.m., my two were impatient to get home, so they had him drop them off at the bus station and they got the bus home. They knew it would be OK with us, since they’d done it before. What happened to the others? They got stuck in a storm on the way home and were delayed five hours. I’d rather have my teens “out in public” on public xportation than with someone else’s doofusy parent who doesn’t know about planning ahead, scheduling, organizing, contingencies, etc.
I must say this is like a fresh breeze that children have been gasping for since 1985! I will admit that I even have a hard time “letting” go but I try to loosen up and not be so paranoid. Allowing them to think, explore, create, and make mistakes helps them grow into better more productive adults. Some of our greatest thinkers were allowed those freedoms and if we shut them in we will lose a generation of thinkers. Bravo for doing this mama, keep your head up, don’t let the masses get ya down.
I am absolutely for raising Free Range Kids. Actually, until I read your book, I thought I WAS raising them free range. In my circle of friends, I’m the most laid back. After discovering your book (which I love), and your website (which I love even more), I’m finding there are things I could improve on. My 10 yr old twins have friends who live 2 blocks away, and I’m considering (gasp!) letting them walk themselves from now on. I just have to convince my husband it’s a good thing!
Hey,
I read a few of the responses from nay sayers. These people are probably more afraid of:
sharks than rip tide
being abducted over being poisoned by silver polish
lightning over drowning in a pool
falling through the ice, over being electrocuted
The stats prove them wrong, way wrong, dangerously wrong, but they “feel” good.
Worse, they will raise kids who con’t know how to “really” ride a bike. They will grow up to be poor drivers, dangerous drivers. These kids will not know how to interact with strangers, so they will be poor performers in work, never mind their straight As in grade school.
When they go to college, they will be the kid who O.D.s’ on Golden Grain alchohol, or falls off of a balcony to their death….mommy was not there to watch over them.
We were free range parents before we knew the name. Thank you for the website, and for you work in this area. One suggestion…take a look at how the rest of the world raises their kids…most are free range, the antithisis is largely an American phenomena.
I have five children ages 2-10. My oldest two kids used to take the bus to and from school with the bus stop being 1/2 mile from my house at the neighborhood clubhouse. When my sons were 5 and 7, I decided they could walk home together as I had 3 toddlers napping at this time of day and didn’t want to wake them for a 5 minute trip. The other parents collecting their children at the busstop would not let my boys leave, insisting on waiting with them until I arrived. Which I didn’t. They then drove them home. The next day I went to the bus stop to inform the other parents of my plan. They disagreed with me and decided they would take turns bringing my boys home, because I had “my hands full”. I was irate. But I got my point across. They walked home together for two years and had a great time. However, if the least bit of precipitation was around, they had to fight of the helicopter moms, to get their chance to walk home in the rain. THE HORROR! Unfortunately, my kids go to private school and the bus is very expensive. I have to go pick them up these days. However, many times I drop them at the entrance of the neighborhood so they can race home. It’s what kids love to do!
I live in Charlotte, NC where the weather is great 95% of the time. I grew up in Michigan where it isn’t and walked home twice as far as my kids did to an empty house. Then I called my mom at work and she told me what to start cooking for dinner. Easy, simple meals to pop in the oven. I never burned myself, the house or my sister. And I still love to cook. Imagine that! I loved that sense of responsibility and that I was an important contributor to my family.
As a follow-up to my post of 10/3/09: a simple Google search revealed no fewer than 4 attacks on boys in public restrooms in August 2009. I would guess that the statistics for attempted molestations and molestations of children are much higher than those for abductions. The ages of attacked children ranged from 7 to 13.
I’ve just discovered your site and am very glad of it. I certainly aspire to be a free-range parent though I lament the sight of the lone free-range kids, sent out to play without the pack.
I did want to comment on one strange phenomenon: the oxymorom of the media-permissive helicopter parent. Oddly enough, many of the extreme mother-hen types are so busy protecting their children from imagined boogeymen in their community that they urge them to immerse themselves instead in video games, tv, and other screen media. Those are the places the real predators are. I’m not even talking about chatroom dangers, I mean that’s where the advertisers and other shills for commercial society set up shop. Entire segments of their industry are based on taking advantage of children. So then you have kids without real world coping skills set loose in a wonderland of meticulously designed and destructive eye and mind candy. So not only are the kids “teacups” by the time they get to college, but they’re branded teacups, incapable of recognizing and trading in authenticity.
Perhaps you’ve already covered it. I didn’t find it in my first look, but I am new to combing blog archives.
I’m in the middle on this. Letting my kid (aged 4) go to school alone is unrealistic. But, when my kid hits age nine or ten, I don’t see any problem with the ten to fifteen minute walk to school. Sure, I’m terrified that something bad could happen, but that’s pretty normal for any parent who loves their children.
Growing up, I was heavily watched by my mom to the point that teachers told her she needed to let me go once in a while. She never gave in. As a result, I didn’t go to camp, I only did one overnight field trip in grade school (my parents came to pick me up after dinner for all the others), and I wasn’t in the boy scouts. Later I found that my mom had been sexually abused and never told anyone. It was her biggest fear for me.
I’m am certainly more of a “helicopter” dad than most, but you also have to cut people like me some slack. I keep discovering just what my kid is capable of and it’s always shocking to me. Mainly because I was nothing like my kid at age 4. I was terrified of heights. I cried for every scrape or injury I experienced. I had bad dreams all the time. My kid, on the other hand loves to climb, dusts off and goes back to playing after any kind of incident except the most horrific, and has only had two or three bad dreams thus far.
Conversely, my kid is terrified of dogs whereas I loved them, and is traumatized by the sounds of electric motors whereas I was indifferent. So we all have our fears no matter how irrational. I think these differences are what result in how we treat our kids. I still find it amazing that my kid can get a scraped knee and just get right back up and keep playing with blood streaming down the leg. Because of those sorts of differences, it really is a journey of discovery to gain the confidence in what your own child is or isn’t capable of doing. That applies to everything from physical activities, to sound judgment. The best we can do is arm them to be on their own and make their own decisions when we can’t assist. But the harder leap is to trust them with the things we know they aren’t so good at.
Of course there’s also the issue of local new stories. Children being killed frequently by abused dogs, packs of wild dogs (pretty common where I live), the number of child predators that live in your vicinity, the number of deaths by the nearby train tracks, the amount of drug crime, etc… can make one very wary. And since the responsibility for our kids rests on our shoulders officially until they are considered adults, you also really don’t want to screw up as a parent. So there’s a fine line between free range kids and being naive about what they’re up to when you’re not with them. Since they are individuals in their own right, we really can’t control them in the long run. So parents should always keep in mind that they’re dealing with another person (not just a kid) like a co-worker or someone you meet on the street. You have as much right to control their thinking as you do any other person you meet. Yet another fine line…
Dan, well said. You’re a wise and loving dad.
I am the mother of two kids, a 14-year-old girl with high-functioning autism and a 10-year-old son. When they were 10 and 6, the two of them began walking to and from school together without me each day. My decision to let them do so was questioned by many in our neighborhood, even though the distance was less than a quarter of a mile and, if I walked them to the corner, I could see them *all the way to school*. It’s not unusual for kids to be walked not just to school but all the way to their classrooms here in our neighborhood.
Right before my daughter started junior high, we moved to a new house a little farther from the elementary school. My son started riding his bike to and from school most days, and people around us think this is dangerous too, even though he crosses the cul-de-sac we live on to access the bike path which literally takes him all the way to the bike racks at his school without his having to be on the street again.
We live in a town with a set of beautiful parks and greenbelts, and I’ve never heard of any kind of an abduction or anything like that for as long as we’ve lived here, but you rarely see elementary school-aged kids anywhere unescorted by adults. I’m not the only one who allows my kids to ride their bikes or walk places unescorted, but those of us who do are seriously outnumbered, and why? Growing up, I’d spend entire days outside, running around with the kids from my neighborhood – now it seems like everything is arranged playdates and kids being driven around like royalty. How this helps them in the long run is beyond me.
Lenore –
I just discovered you when reading an article on US News & World Report.
It’s so awesome what you are doing! You’re very brave. Kids today are *insanely* protected… they grow up not knowing how to live, how to interact, how to trust.
Not sure if you cover it in your book, but I’ve spent some time in Tokyo… you should check it out. *Tons* of *really* young kids walking to school, taking subway to school, etc.
Life is *not* dangerous!
Quite frankly, I am completely apalled at the carelessness of some of the parents commenting on this site. 4 year olds playing out alone, 9 year olds cycling to school, 12 year olds going into town with their friends…
I am hugely protective of my 2 children – 13 and 10 – and wouldn’t dream of letting them out alone. The world is a dangerous place – it only takes a second for a child to be kidnapped or run over.
Both of my kids are allowed out into our front and back yard unsupervised but that is as far as i am willing to go. Some of my thirteen year olds friends walk or cycle a good half mile to school without an adult present. In my opinion that is just asking for trouble, 13 year olds are just not mature enough to be out alone. They don’t have the common sense or the experiance to deal with minor or major problems alone.
Life IS dangerous
To the poster above, life is dangerous, you say that 13 year olds are just not mature enough to be out alone. Could it be that YOUR 13 year old is not mature enough because you have never given her the tools to be so? Because of your sheltering and helicopter mom ways your 13 year old does not feel he or she is capable of making good choices on his or her own?
Interesting: Whose kids will be more prepared to face challenges? Tracie’s? or Meg’s?
Just out of curiosity… Meg, in your opinion, is there any age when it is safe to roam the streets alone? Personally, I don´t think there is. There´s ALWAYS danger of being abducted, of being run over, of being mugged, of slipping and breaking your neck… Unlike Lenore, I don´t care for the statistics. Statistically, as a petite, white, upper-middle class young woman, I am as much in danger of being attacked as a 13 yo.
However, I just refuse to live in fear, and in extension to teach my kids to live in fear. I guess my concept of prudence and yours difer abysmally, but at least I’m happy and so are my kids.
I’m a free range mom, in moderation.
But it can be taken too far. We live in a reasonably safe neighborhood in a small rural town, and one of my neighbors lets her 4 kids free range. morning til night. 8, 7, 6, 5 and 3. They go in when they get hungry. If then.
The 3-year old lets himself into people’s houses, including mine. The other children don’t watch him at all. He takes mail and plays with it. I had to go and get their grandmother to stop them from catching rides on the mail truck; the poor man is not allowed to lay hands on them, and they won’t get off!
I have had to physically restrain the 3year old from grabbing my pruning shears from my back porch and pruning everything in reach. He ignores any adult instruction he does not want to hear. He hits older children and then goes running to grandma if they even raise their voices. I caught him climbing over my fence and stopped him before he could get to the pool. Eventually, he let himself into another neighbor’s fenced yard and pulled the beagle’s ears until she bit him in the face and had to be put down.
These kids have been taught the freedom without any consequences, BECAUSE no-one they have to listen to can see them. When we were kids there were moms everywhere, and they were all on the same page. They aren’t there now.
Free range with rules, yes. Be careful to clarify. Otherwise the kids may be more dangerous than the dangers.
Cat, we have one of these fams in our neighborhood, except there are six kids ranging from 15 to two years old. This isn’t free range, this is neglect. Funny thing is, the older three, at least, are nice kids! You just never know…
Interesting that regarding Halloween, parents fear poisoned candy, yet not raunchy costumes a la http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2009/10/12/2009-10-12_a_scary_new_tween_trend_raunchy_costumes_for_preteens_will_make_parents_scream.html.
The other day I picked my first grader up from school. As we were walking home, she ran ahead down the sidewalk a few hundred feet. A parent stopped her and began to search me out. Told me he was worried that she was alone. I said something like, “I think she could make it home alone.” And he snickered and said, “ah, I don’t think so.” I replied smiling, “well I survived.” Really, I did. And I grew up in the city and had to cross a four lane major road to get to elementary school. We currently live in a suburb in one of the best neighborhoods around, with tree-lined streets, little traffic and even sidewalks. I get looks for even letting my 6-year-old play on our jungle gym alone. Sometimes my two-year-old even goes out with her while I am inside the house. I even let her climb trees and she will hang upside down with her legs wrapped around a branch. God forbid. She might get hurt. She may even need a band aid or, gasp, a cast. What will this generation look like when they are taught to be scared and dependent? I am sick of being criticized for my free-range parenting philosophy.
Briana, make sure you have Band-Aids on hand, especially the brand that has antibiotic compound right there inside (how they can market these OTC I can’t figure out. Did they pay off someone at the FDA?) so you undermine your child’s immune system at the same time. So convenient!
I grew up with an overproctective mother, it stifled my spirit. When my twin boys started kindergarten and I allowed them to walk to the bus stop 5 houses down it filled them with a sense of responsibility and accomplishment. Their grandmother was horrified that I let these “babies” take on that responsibility. I am not raising children…I am raising adults. By giving them age appropriate freedoms now is how they will go on to become responsible adults.
I grew up with a controlling grandmother. All I can say control, and free-spirits really clash. For the more she attempted to control, the more I tried to help her learn, it just doesn’t work. I will also say, my determination to be free, cost me dearly, a few times. But after a bump or two here I am almost half of a hundred still encouraging free spirits.
Gypsymama,
That was so well put and I hadn’t heard it before – the phrase: I am not raising children, I am raising adults. Very well said.
I am most confused. How in the world can we have 20 gazillion channels on our televisions that show everything from abc’s to the birds and all the bees, give our children free range over the remote because they learn to by pass the password, then think they will not want to experiment.
Robin, who said free range is about a gazillion TV channels, hand them the remote, and you’re off the hook? I’d be willing to bet that many if not most free range parents monitor, limit, or even prohibit TV viewing, as well as computer use. Freedom does not equal license.
I am a Peace Officer, ex-corrections officer, and am currently a security manager for a major national retailer. I agree with the issue your organization is bringing to light.
The neurotic, overprotective, and overeactive parents…..almost always mothers….I have dealt with over the years has been amazing. It is amazing how quickly and frequently some mothers, when they get separated from their child, go into fear that their child has been abducted. The media has programmed this into their brain. The Code ADAM program that all large retailers are almost strong-armed into adopting adds to the hysteria.
The way mothers respond to me when I have found their child is almost as amazing. Recently, I found a small child about two years old, wandering close to a parking lot door. I have found, when dealing with lost children, if you are scared they will sense it and they will be difficult to communicate with and it will make them really scared. In this case, I knelt down and started trying to talk to the child. The child would not communicate, but was not scared. I took her by her hand and was going to walk around the general area with her to see if I could identify the parents. The mother, who was looking at clothes and did not realize her childe had walked away, saw me walking close to the door, holding the child’s hand and thought I was an abductor. She snatched the child from me unleashed on me verbally and stormed away. She never understood that I was non-uniform security.
In today’s world, due to mass media, we are aware of so much that is going on. Most people are not able to deal with all of this information. We hear of something that has happened in the world and accept it as a monster that is alive and well in our daily lives. It is just not so.
Your recent column about public restrooms was also interesting. I have a surveillance camera room that is located just outside of the public restrooms. I see the issues that you discuss regularly. This is another example of the fear of monsters, but I will caution you on this one. THERE ARE a lot of things going on in men’s public restrooms. Of the other issues you mentioned that are not a part of the world we live in daily, this one is a part of all of our daily lives. Men use the stalls in public restrooms to meet and have sex inside of the restrooms. This occurs mostly when the restrooms and the place, be it a store, park, or fast food place is not busy. To make your case though, OVERWHEMINGLY, these people are looking for consentual sex and are not child abductors. They are there though! So I caution you and your cause, don’t use extreme disregard to combat extreme caution.
In closing, I have always enjoyed your column, appreciate your humor and support your cause. In this and many aspects of life, we are becoming a scared society. IT is a shame and we should work to change. Good luck with your efforts.
DavidP
Hey! Great site. I grew up very free range. Walking about a mile to and from the bus each day, and I had the freedom to go “hang out” on my own as an adolescent. At first I was jealous of the kids who had their parents pick them up but later in life I felt very independent and secure. My parents always trusted me even when they shouldn’t have though. I pushed for my early graduation from high school and went to college at 15, almost 16, renting a room in a house full of 20-somethings. Ultimately, I was a little young to be in a college scene, so there’s a fine line. I think I was too smart for my parents and they trusted my judgment a little too much. I ended up being a big drinker and drug user for the next 8 years and only now did I get clean on my own. Just something to think about… I tend to think that if I relied on my parents more for guidance I would have been less destructive. ANyway, can’t go back in time now! I still think I’m WAY better off than kids from overprotective families. Just be sure to include something on your site about how even the brightest of kids don’t make the best decisions in the absence of their parents…..
It’s 70*s here in sunny Florida so I opened all my windows and blinds. My 8 yr old daughter and 6 yr old son came home from school and wanted to play in the front yard on the tree swing. OF COURSE I obliged because it was so beautiful out, how could I say no?!? My 18 month old cried because brother and sissy were home and she wanted to play so I lt the kids push her on the swing. I was inside watching out the front window while I folded laundry in the living room. A friend of a neighbor came over to tell me how dangerous that was and compared me to that “crazy subway mom”. I told her that I took that as a compliment. This is a sleepy beach community so I told her since she didn’t live on “this side of the bridge” (we live on an island) she just didn’t get it, needless to say she was not happy to hear that. I gave her this website and I hope she see’s this, then maybe she’ll get it.
Thanks to all for your great insights and stories, I love seeing how “normal” I am 🙂
Jen
Eva, brave, honest post. Key sentence for me: “can’t go back in time now!” Tells me you’re not lingering on past mistakes, and that in and of itself indicates maturity. Forward!
First of all I have to say that I love this blog. Living in Sweden, I haven’t had the possibility to read any of your publications, but this blog makes me happy.
I’m a free range mom (at least in some ways). I believe that there’s a big difference between Sweden and America , I doubt that anyone here would even begin to question the fact that a thirteeen-year-old rides his/her bike to school. But on the other hand, we don’t have guns…
Anyhow, I’m right now being called a monstrous parent, a careless and right down mean mother, just because I dared to admit that I on occasions have left my four-year-old home alone for a maximum of ten minutes. Once when I went to get a pizza for us both (and he insisted on continuing watching the movie) and once when I left his baby sister off at day care and he was home sick. We live in a quiet neighbourhood with no cars, and still – I’m like the worst mum ever to these people. And they don’t even know my son. They don’t know that he’s very calm, very well-behaved, very eager to do as I/his dad says. That may change, but for now he’s mature enough to stay at home for 10 minutes with me about 500 meters away.
And this actually makes me angry. I’m very aware of the dangers our kids eventually will face, but I see them differently. For instance: we do not give our kids food with a lot of weird additions, we do not let them ride a car without being in a rear-faced car seat (they are 4 and 2 years old), we do not let them watch violent movies, we do not force them to behave gender stereotypical. We are – if I dare say so myself – quite conscious parents, just that we have another view on things.
Our kids can play in our garden alone. We let them play alone in the mornings during the week-ends (becase then us parents like to sleep a bit longer), we will let them walk to their friends alone when they’re ready for it.
I know it’s not quite comparable, me living in Sweden and all, but I’d just like you to know that I am truly a fan of free range kids, and I really appreciate this website!
Ellen, to me, this says it all: “We do not give our kids food with a lot of weird additives, we do not let them ride a car without being in a rear-faced car seat (they are 4 and 2 years old), we do not let them watch violent movies, we do not force them to behave gender-stereotypically.”
Meanwhile the parents who won’t let their kids out of their site are *schtupping* them with commercial junk foods, violent viewing, and oversexualized content. Yet they’re considered vigilant, and you’re considered negligent. Go figure…
@ Yam Erez: Indeed, and that’s really ticking me off. After all, I read a lot on child development, I read books written by psychologists and I try to really evaluate my parenting. But still, I’m being selected as someone who doesn’t have a clue, just because I’ve taken some decisions that are controversial to the other parents.
Still, I’ve been raised as a free range child, and it didn’t do me any harm. At eight years old, I went home by bus (we lived on the countryside), made some snack for myself and then spent the day home alone until my parents came home. Today that’s practically considered child abuse. And yet, I’m only 25 years old!
The times are definitely a-changing.
I really recommend you all to read Jesper Juul, a famous danish writer. His book “Your competent child” is a bit provokative, but it’s a real eye-opener.
(http://www.amazon.com/Your-Competent-Child-Toward-Values/dp/0374527903/ref=sr_1_1/183-3777281-0719603?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256054326&sr=1-1)
I am 100% for raising non-infantilized children who are capable and confident. People who put down this idea as crazy should have to work with young college students who are just meeting the real world for the first time – trust me, the kids who have been out there doing their thing with parents who support them but give them freedom with responsibility do far better out of the gate than those who have been babied and fussed over with a magnifying glass. I honestly feel bad for those kinds of kids – it’s like they’ve been hobbled.
The world is a good and mostly safe place. Studies show that every time, home is statistically the most dangerous place for kids, and poverty is the single most predictive factor in how dangerous any home is. Only by creating a stronger, emotionally richer, and more rational society as a whole can we really affect violence against children.
It’s hard to believe that in less than 20 years it has become an absurd idea to let a 14-16 year old loose on the train or subway in a big city. I went to an all-girls boarding school in Connecticut and spent many weekends exploring New York and Boston on my own–using public transportation to get from the small town where my school was to the cities, a combination of walking, taxis, buses, and trains. My parents of course had to give me permission to do this, but it was the norm, not something that other parents balked at. We were smart about it and nothing bad ever happened.
My early childhood was in the foothills of the Smokies in Tennessee. I spent hours roaming the countryside on my own, climbing huge hay bails, building forts in the woods, exploring old barns and abandoned houses. I think the sense of independence this gave me has made me a well-adjusted person.
Now as an adult with two young girls, we live in a small town inside the Atlanta metro area. Kids walk and bike to school on their own as young as 3rd grade. We still walk our 1st grader to school but she is eager to make the trip on her own (it’s about 1/2 mile). I can see us doing that soon. My biggest concern is the busy street she has to walk along to get there and cars zooming by, not of some creep abducting her.
You have to give your children freedom AND rules and educate them about safety. I think everyone in favor of free range understands that. It’s about preparing your child, giving them the tools they need for living and letting them live their lives. Thank you for making this more acceptable and publicized!
Mothers of America! Do you want the Goverment to tell you how to raise and educate your children? NO? Then join us at a Rally in Washington, DC on August 14, 2010. Go to MOM4America.org and be a part of history…M.O.M. (Millions of Moms) speaking out against the ongoing and increasing interference of Government in the lives of our families…the lives of our children…and the mortgaging of their futures! MOM4America.org.
I BELIEVE IN TAKING RISKS AND BEING INDEPENDENT IS APART OF LIFE-BUT FOR A CHILD NO! WHATS THE PURPOSE OF BEING A PARENT THEN??? YOUR SUPPOSE TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD OF ALL MEANS,AT YOUR BEST ABILITY.IF I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO PREVENT SOMETHING HAPPENING TO MY CHILD I WILL DO SO…..I HAVE A BRAIN,THAT WORKS, AND I BELIEVE IN BEING PROACTIVE. MY CHILD IS FREE TO BE INDEPENDENT BUT TO AN EXTENT. ALL THIS TALK ABOUT “HOW NOWADAYS ARENT AS BAD” ETC IS FALSE, EVERY SINGLE WEEK THERES SOME NEWS RELATED TO A CHILD DISAPPEARING, WHY YOU ASK? BECAUSE SOME PARENT WASNT DOING THEIR PART AND LET THEIR CHILD OUT OF THEIR SIGHT! JUST A LACK OF PARENTING SKILLS IF YOU ASK ME. SET RULES AND STANDARDS FOR YOUR KIDS, SHOW EM SOME DISCIPLINE AND YOU CAN STILL BE LEANIT ON YOUR IDEAL MOLD OF “FREEDOM”. LENORE SKENAZY EMPASIZES ON HOW SHE GIVES/GAVE HER CHILDEREN THE SAME FREEDOM SHE HAD AS A CHILD, BUT BY THE LOOKS OF IT (NO DISRESPECT), SHE WASNT BORN AROUND MY TIME-SHES ABOUT 30 YEARS OLDER THAN THE AVERAGE PARENT ESPECIALLY TODAYS PARENT. I DIDNT RECIEVE THE FREEDOM SHE SPEAKS OF, AND IM HAPPY! BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS I HAVE GROWN TO BE A WELL ROUNDED YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS ABLE TO RAISE MY CHILDREN THE SAME EXACT WAY. TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION I DONT RAISE MY CHILDREN IN THIS SAME FORMAT BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS RAISED BUT BECAUSE I FEEL THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY TO RAISE THEM. IM NOT HERE TO BASH ANYONE WHO IS A FREE RANGE PARENT(S) OR NOT,ATLEAST NOT INTENITONALLY-JUST NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO LET YOUR CHILD OUT OF SIGHT AND LET THEM HAVE “FREEDOM” THINK TWICE-ALWAYS THINK “WHAT IF”, WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS OR WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS,IT COULD JUST SAVE A LIFE, “BAD PEOPLE” DO EXIST OUT THERE IN THE WORLD IF YOU WANT TO ADMIT TO IT OR NOT. LET EM LIVE BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY TEACH THEM WHAT TO DO IN ANY TYPE OF SITUATION,SO THEY WONT BE CLUELESS DONT FORBID THEM.
IN THE END, SOME PARENTS TAKE IT A LITTLE TO FAR EITHER WAY, FREE RANGE OR NOT
ANY COMMENTS FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AT TALIA-D@HOTMAIL.COM
In elementary school I walked the half mile from home to school with my older siblings. The only time my parents took me to school was when I was just starting kindergarten and still adjusting. My dad left early for work and my mom was the crossing guard at the busy street we would have to cross to get to the school so we were all responsible for getting ourselves ready and out the door. As I got older we moved to a rural area and all the neighborhood kids would play in the fields out behind the houses. We would be gone for hours out of sight from any adults making forts, climbing trees, looking for animals, exploring our world. Many of us even refused to wear shoes. Being out there was being free and nothing worse than a scraped knee ever happened to us. Now I am 23 with 1.5 year old twin boys and my husband and I plan to raise them to be independent humans and let them explore the way we were able to do as kids.
Hi, I dont have kids but I consider myself as a FreeRangeKid, my sister who is nine years younger then me (I’m 18, she’s 9), she is much less responsible. Which is a pity because she “can’t” even make a phone call.
I also think that the scouts has a lot to do with it.
Keap on !
Wow, I can’t believe how many parents don’t believe in trying to protect their kids. I don’t believe in being a helicopter parent, but I think this free-range things is just as bad or worse on the opposite side of the spectrum. I think it’s interesting how many parents say, “I did it” or “when I was kid nothing happened to me”. Did you ever think you were lucky or that it did happen to someone else. All we “responsible” parents are saying is that if we can prevent something terrible from happening to our children why wouldn’t we. It hink it’s funny that these “free rangers” use the anology of the seatbelt or helmets. I can use the same argument that many kids will not get an an accident so why should they were a seatbelt. Or I can say when I was a kid I didn’t wear a helmet and I didn’t bust my head open. What’s the difference in what we are saying about protecting kids. If you are saying that you want kids to wear seatbelts and helmets because it is safer for them, than why not watch our kids more closely because it is safer for them! Doesn’t it seem a little hypocritical. I believe in giving kids independence, but it’s not necessary to allow them to roam at 5 years old! Kids need boundaries, they need structure. They can still be indepedent thinkers without giving them the freedom to roam the streets alone! We hear so many stories of young children being abducted. You might say that is not as common as people think, but I say 1 child being abducted is too many! As a parent it is my responsibility to make sure my children are safe as well as indepent, caring, responsible, productive, etc. Children are not ready to make adult decisions and judgments at 9 years old. Why are you putting your kids in this type of situation and hoping for the best! Parents like you are why we hear these sad stories in the news so often. Shame on you!
Carol – We can look at statistics that show that we actually cut down on injuries and deaths if we use seat belts and bike helmets. This is not the case with keeping watch over our children every second of the day, because there simply aren’t as potential abductors and pedophiles lurking behind every tree waiting to get our kids. The precaution of wearing seat belts and bike helmets is worth it, because car and bike accidents are statistically likely enough to warrant taking those precautions – not so with keeping our kids in a bubble and not allowing them to the freedom, within limits, to explore the world and learn to deal with some things on their own.
It would be nice for my grandchildren to have the freedoms I had as a child. The problem here is this. THIS IS NOT OUR TIME. It is a time where man has no respect for human life, or that of animal. You can ask all the grieving parents about that now. Do you not see that there are 3 children missing (that is in the news) today(i am sure there are more). Yeah I watch my little grandson like a hawk when he is outside, I can live with that kind of “worry” because if I let him out, leave him there, and return and he is not there, I could not live with that kind of heartache.
After a week of tragedy in the news, which did make me pause to reconsider my free range mothering, I decided to become proactive and turned off the news! Love this website – it makes me feel normal in an environment full of helicopter parents! Keep up the great work and words of wisdom.
I survived a childhood of second hand smoke. That doesn’t mean I want it for my kids. I also survived a latchkey childhood. That doesn’t mean I want it for my kids either. When I look back on my childhood, I honestly believe my siblings & I were neglected. We were left alone for huge periods of time (8-10 hrs/day in the summer) with no adult having any idea where we were or what we were doing. Our parents are lucky we didn’t get into more trouble than we did because they sure didn’t do anything to make sure we were safe or not doing anything illegal.
I didn’t feel a huge sense of pride in getting myself to & from school everyday or entertaining myself for hours on end during the summer months. Mostly what I felt was boredom and loneliness. No one knew where I was and no one cared what I was doing.
So yeah, my kids don’t have as much freedom as I had. They also have something I didn’t: a family and parents who take an interest in their lives. Maybe the fact that I enjoy taking a daily walk to the school bus stop with them and the dog is a sign of some kind of parenting hypervigilance but we all enjoy that time together sharing our thoughts (and it’s good exercise for me). Could they go on their own? Of course. Have they ever asked to? Never. We walk & talk & look at flowers or pick up leaves or chase squirrels. Sad that a nice family activity is twisted into being something pathetic.
Parents are squeezed at both ends. If you don’t pay attention people will complain about how kids in town are running wild without supervision, getting in trouble, aren’t respectful like the old days, etc. but then if you actually do pay attention to your kids you’re a helicopter parent who is too involved and needs to let go. At the end of the day, you have to strive for balance. If you try to please the faceless voices that yammer on the internet, you can’t win so you may as well do what feels right for your family. If your kids are happy, respectful, and stay out of trouble then you are probably doing a fine job as a parent, regardless of others’ opinions.
I think you have to balance their desire to have independence and your desire to keep them safe. I am a terrible worrier. My daughter is only 10 1/2 months and already I have horrible flashes of bad things happening to her. It’s all I can do to calm myself and try to refocus on something positive. Naturally, I would be a helicopter parent. It will take all my strength not to allow all my instincts to take over and constantly hover over her every move. Obviously that is not a good thing. I do believe that it’s important to foster independence. Fortunately my husband is more into free range thinking, he grew up in a tiny excruciatingly safe town where he had a ton of freedom. Somewhere between my overprotectiveness and his permissive/free range idealism we may actually raise some pretty well balanced kids.
Tootsyloowho, I want to commend you on becoming such an involved parent for your children when it seems that you were essentially neglected as a child. You were not raised free range – you were neglected. And, choosing to walk your children to school and using that time as interactive and fun is not being a helicopter parent. You are giving them great time with you. The age at which a child walks to school alone is not a measure of whether a parent is being overly protective. It is the balance of allowing your children to try a range of things, age appropriately, with you there as their safety net.
Talia, turn off your Caps Lock. Then we’ll listen to you. Claudia, the Mom4America sounds creepily right-wing to me. Just my sense…
Dear Lenore Skenazy,
THANK YOU FOR WRITING FREE RANGE KIDS! I was certainly a free range kid, as were my peers and those who came before me.
My husband and I are raising two confident, competent children (one boy, one girl). I have tried not to be over-protective, but I HAVE been more afraid to let them out of my sight than I’d like. It never quite felt right to me, but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my children on “My Watch.” After reading your book, I am reminded of what I’ve known inside all along: It’s WORSE to raise a fearful child than to give them the freedom they deserve.
I appreciate the reality check provided by your statistics. That really helps. One constructive comment: when you say that crime has been going down… I’d leave that part out. Why? Because, perhaps crimes against children have gone down because we parents are never letting them out of our sight. Just a thought. I’d stick with the basic stats. That’s my two cents.
THANKS AGAIN, and blessings to you. IN MY BOOK, YOU ARE AN ESPECIALLY GREAT MOM!
Catherine
Does anyone watch Desperate Housewives on Sunday nights? I do, and even if you don’t like the show, I think that most of the “Free Range Moms” would get a kick out of this! The first minute is SO free range parenting, but the whole episode dabbles in it. Enjoy!
Jen
http://www.fancast.com/tv/Desperate-Housewives/93750/1303818137/%22I-think-youre-a-lousy-mother%22/videos
@Carol, Iris, tootsyloowho…
I don’t think helicopter parenting just means spending as much time with your children as you want, or they need. What I mean when I refer to helicopter parents is those who squash their children’s initiative by forbidding them to do anything risky, ever. You can tell who they are because they are the ones who pick their toddlers up before they trip and fall, instead of waiting until they have fallen to pick them up and brush them off.
And free-range parenting is not about sitting back and let them “roam the streets”, either. If my kids want to walk to a friend’s house by themselves, they have to show me they are truthful, polite, responsible and cautious before I consider letting them. But they cannot possibly show me if I don’t let them do anything by themselves. And they can’t possibly do anything by themselves if I don’t teach them first. So it takes a lot of work to raise a FRK, only to find you are as worried for them when you finally let them go as any other caring parent you can think of.
The only difference, I think, is that a FRK is happier and possibly more capable of coping with the unexpected, with danger or frustration than a “100% safe kid”.
I guess I should start by saying I am most definitely FOR free-ranging.
I’m fairly new to this website and I don’t have the time to read everything, so I apologize if this has been posted before, but something I am really enjoying reading is http://www.jessicawatson.com.au/ about a 16yr old Australian girl sailing solo around the world. The comments range from support to outrage, ridicule and downright nastiness but I thought I would share (copy and paste) this little bit…
“Adventurer Don McIntyre, who loaned Jessica the S&S 34 boat, also rages against a risk-averse culture he says is draining teen spirit.
“We can’t afford to over-protect our kids. They need to find themselves, challenge the natural world, and understand what it is to minimize risk and make good decisions,” said Don.
Despite all the debates and support of the outside world, Jessica Watson just continues to enjoy her dream of sailing around the world, passing Norfolk Island today on her way to the equator!”
Despite the alleged rare occurrence of such things, this is the third time in two years that such a memo has been circulated by the police dept. in my small town. You simply can’t be too careful:
“On Monday, October 26, 2009 at XXXX a white work style van with tinted front windows, windowless work body, stopped at the curb ad at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and XXXXXXXXX and asked student victim, who is a 13 year old female, to “Get in the van”. The van left the area on XXXXXXXXXXXX towards XXXXXXXXXXXX The van was occupied by a driver and someone in the back of the van. Please call the XXXXXXXXX Police Department at XXXXXXXto report suspicious activity related to the “Stranger Alert Flyer”. If you observe criminal activity related to this dial 9-1-1.
The officers and employees of the XXXXXX Police Department wish to thank you for your cooperation in this matter.”
Gary,
Thanks for sharing about Jessica Watson. I just spent an enjoyable spell on her website. In this day and age it is quite an amazing thing she is doing. Two centuries ago there were many sixteen year olds setting sail, running farms, running countries, leading armies, etc. It is great that those like Jessica today are reminding us of just how capable they are in their teens, and that we could all be better adults by encouraging more of this.
When I six years old, I was walking to my friends house a couple of houses away from my house, a car pulled up and a man offered me some candy. I backed as far away from the curb as I could and quickly ran in the opposite direction the car was going even though that was not the way I wanted to go, until the car continued on down the street. My parents didn’t just let me take that walk alone without careful instruction. No matter how good the candy looked, don’t take it from a stranger in a car; quickly get far out of reach; and by walking in the opposite direction of the car it would be much harder for the driver to do something. Even the most vigilant parent might not always be there. To be really careful teach your children what to do.
I’d like to gently remind the generous people parenting other people’s neglected kids that that there is a difference between free-range parenting and neglectful parenting. Free-range kids are given the freedoms they can handle and have been educated to manage. Neglected kids are left to figure it out on their own, ready or not.
I also provide parenting backup for many kids in the neighborhood. Kids who need a bandaid. Kids who need lunch. Kids who need somewhere to play that doesn’t have a TV blasting all the time. Kids who need advice on how to get to school since they missed the school bus. I’m there for all the kids and also for my own.
I am a full-time homemaker/yardmaker and also homeschool some of my kids. Free-range parenting does not allow me to check out of my kids’ lives. If anything, it allows me to spend more time with them. I don’t have to send them away with a hired supervisor to get the work of the household done. Instead, I can cook, clean, garden, construct furniture, landscape the backyard, etc., etc. while they do their chores, study, and pursue their own interests. Meals are served three times a day. If they need me, they can always find me. If I need to support, correct, or simply check in with them, I can always find them. If they’re leaving the property, they have a time they need to return by and significant consequences if I have to go and fetch them. I could not possibly have my children with me all the time if I had to supervise their every move. And they could not possibly have grown to be the pleasant, polite, capable, confident kids they are if I was always breathing down their neck.
Could something bad happen? Yes. Anywhere, anytime. Every time I put them in a car (my own or someone else’s) I am gambling with their lives. Every time I allow them to play with a friend, we risk contagious diseases. Every class they attend, every house they visit puts them at risk of being exposed to being groomed for abuse by a predatory adult. Every time we go out on the street, we risk being hit by a car. And staying inside puts us at risk of mold, dust mites, and outgassing toxins from our modern lifestyle.
Actually, that last one isn’t theoretical for us. Black mold in our attic put my son in the hospital. We were trying to be responsible and staying home whenever he had a cough. Turns out the house was causing the cough. Oops.
The point is, there are risks everywhere. Helicopter parents take over their children’s lives in an attempt to keep them safe, leaving them no opportunities for learning or personal growth. Free-range parents notice which risks are real and relevant, and respond appropriately with rules, training, and supervision, as appropriate. Neglectful parents neither notice problems nor respond to them.
None of us can tell from an online forum the exact situation of a specific child and specific parent. Our neighborhood is reasonably safe for a six year old to go out biking alone, so my son does. If I lived a block away, I would never consider it, due to the extreme risk of being hit by a car. My twelve year old rides specific bus routes alone. I know those routes and they are reasonably safe. There are some bus routes I’d warn her to avoid if possible even if she was 18.
Context matters. In free-range parenting, context is everything.
And for those of you who have lost relatives or friends in freak accidents or assaults, I am truly sorry. The context of your grief matters too. I’m sorry if these discussions re-open old wounds.
Well put, Karen.
YAM-
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE “CAPS” THEN SIMPLY LOOK AWAY,IT IS YOUR CHOICE.HAVE A NICE DAY
Talia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Netiquette
“Another rule is to avoid typing in all caps, which is considered to be the equivalent of shouting or yelling.”
Thanks.
This topic is very interesting as we are looking at working on this for a docu-reality program. It would be great to find some families that are currently practicing this method to showcase them as a day in the life. Please let me know if you have any families that are interested in this. karen@mikemathisprods.com
To Carol
No, parents like the free-rangers are -not- why we hear horrible stories of people being kidnapped. We hear children are kidnapped because there are evil people in this world who do not respect a child’s right to grow up free and happy, and decide to kidnap them. This is not a reflection on the parenting style of the parent, it is a reflection on the -individual choice- of the parties who choose to kidnap and harm a child.
Children are kidnapped from every stripe of parent, be they helicopter, free range, or outright neglectful. This is not an indictment of any one of these parenting styles, because it is never anyone’s fault when someone ELSE choose to commit a crime or evil act. How dare you blame these innocent people for the actions of another person? Do we hear about horrible stories of spousal abuse because the woman is asking for it? We may as well say that shopkeepers deserve to have their wares stolen because they don’t individually lock and chain down every item. Shame on free range parents? Shame on you for trying to assign guilt to the innocent.
Disgusted,
William
I love the idea of free range kids it just makes sense…
William, you forgot to say that constricting your child’s freedom for the sake of kidnappers is giving in to them. It’s like admitting the streets we pay for are for the exclusive enjoyment of kidnappers, muggers, rapists and drunk drivers. Why don’t we just lock honest taxpayers in a comfortable jail and get it over with?
Lola
Again, I’m not speaking for or against any style of parenting with my comments. Free Range parenting speaks for itself, the arguments for and against it have been laid out and argued each way, by better debators than myself.
I wasn’t a free-range parent and would never advocate that parenting style. We are parents with responsibilities we must take seriously. It is a tough job, but then who said it wasn’t going to be?! My son had childhood Epilepsy (consequently severely learning challenged) which he outgrew at age 12. My daughter was on the highly gifted scale. I homeschooled them both and never have regretted that choice. Neither of them were allowed to walk alone, but had to stay together. Each freedom they were allowed was risk-based and age determined. I took responsibility at all times. Naturally, they pushed the limits, as ALL children do. That is the danger of free-ranging your children. The other dangers are increasing in our society’s increase of sexual predators.
Those of you who think you are in safe areas? There is no such thing. Anything can happen anywhere.
We lived in an upscale very expensive neighborhood in luxury apartments. The 13 yr old boy who lived in the upstairs apt was murdered in broad daylight, in his apartment, while he was home alone. At this same place, our car was stolen (on a school night), the 3-16-yr olds went joy-riding, and rolled it, left the buddy trapped under our car to die alone. They ran off and never even called 911. This was a low-crime area…
I was raised free-range with one twist. Our father thought we would be a bit more street-smart if we read Detective magazines (graphic depictions of awful crimes). Since you have no guarantee your child will use common sense at all times, be capable of adult decisions, and even more importantly cannot defend himself against an adult? Better think again about the free-range style. My sister, age 12, was raped, walking home from school by herself. She was no match to fight off that full grown rapist. Yes, she lived, but the scars are permanent. I could tell you story after story after story about kids I personally knew who suffered assaults, rapes, and abuse without ever telling their parents. Most kids won’t tell their parents when they are being bullied at school, either.
I had the classic all-American free range childhood experience in the 1970s. I grew up in Norman, Oklahoma (now considered one of the top 10 most desirable communities to live by Money magazine) and we moved back there several years ago. It’s a great community and we love raising our family there.
As a child, I wandered the length and breadth of it with a group of other kids. But in the early 1990s, a boy was assaulted and left for dead in a ditch near his school. They never caught the perpetrator. The boy survived, but he was not the same. And neither was Norman. Things were never the same in this town after that.
A few years ago, just down the road from Norman, a man lured an innocent girl into his apartment and proceeded to torture her and then dismember her.
Last year in Oklahoma, two young girls who were playing on a country road 300 yards from their home were shot to death. They still haven’t found the perpetrator of that heinous crime either.
I would love for my children to have the same “free range” experience I had as a child, but I would also never forgive myself if something happened to them.
There are plenty of sickos out there; just check out the sex offender registry in your own zipcode. It is not media-induced hysteria, and reciting statistics aren’t going to make us feel any safer.
Society did indeed deteriorate starting in the late 1960s. Please don’t delude yourselves.
Give your children a loving home. Challenge them. But don’t pretend you live in a hagiographic world from the 1970s. You don’t.
Lori C
And I, living in Italy at age six, swam alone at nude beaches over 200 feet from my parents and was never harmed. I walked home from school in Italy at seven years old, a full mile from the bus stop to my house. For every kid you can name who was hurt, I can name ten that I grew up with who weren’t, who were offered the same if not more freedoms than I was.
Yes, your stories are tragic. I grieve for you because I know friends of mine who WERE harmed sexually or physically, and I want nothing more (years later!) to go and tear the eyes out of the people who hurt them. But they know, and I know, that the numbers do not support your argument that sexual predators are increasing. They’re -falling-, Lori. Kids are -safer- now than they ever have been, not in more danger.
I feel for you, and I feel for your friends, but your personal experiences do not invalidate the numbers as a whole – the world is a safer place at large, and letting your kids have a bit more freedom is not irresponsible parenting. I can understand why and if you choose not to, but you have to be made aware that you are -wrong- when you say things are worse than they were before.
So yes, I will think again before I have kids with my partner, I will consider very carefully what responsibilities I take and which ones I allow my kids to pick up. And because I believe in freedom, I will do everything to make sure they have it.
And Houghton;
The sex offender registry is an idiotic farce.
Know what a kid was put on the registry for? Stealing his dad’s credit card and buying a copy of playboy.
Yes, clearly an accurate tool explaining how the world is going to pieces.
Fact – most people on the registry aren’t there for sexual assault of a minor or prepubescent child. They’re there for completely consensual acts that society has decided are immoral, such as two seventeen year olds having sex, which is legal in some states, but not in others, and since they had the AUDACITY to have SEX in a state where it’s forbidden, they’re sex offenders even in states where it isn’t.
So no, don’t check your sexual offender registry. Check with reality and the facts, and stop trying to terrorize people who are willing to live in the actual world instead of the one the media has invented in order to advance a socially totalitarian policy.
I should have added to my Post that I have two grown children, now, age 19 and 21, who are independently living on their own and supporting themselves 100%. They each support my parenting style, and have thanked me for raising them street smart while guarding them against unnecessarily facing dangers. When my son was 15 years old, he saved his sister’s life, physically taking on a man far bigger than himself and being beaten. Hmmm, they weren’t supposed to be at this concert, but their father, who had them visiting, let them go… My son also prevented three men from kidnapping his sister just last year, in broad daylight. I shudder to think what would have happened to her, had he not been successful.
On Checking your State Registry? Here in WA, where I live, they are listed as Level Sex Offenders, with levels assigned to their crimes. So, I not only don’t have my blinders on, but also recognize unfair judgments. I live in the real world, had to pack a gun in my purse, living in Wyoming, and it saved my life when a man tried to run me off the road! I’ve been stalked, followed, my apt broken into, my phone lines cut, and my identical twin attacked by the predator who thought she was me.
Let’s go back to the Registered Sex Offender Registry- people, you only get to see who is actually REGISTERED. Further, there is no assurances about the real numbers who aren’t or the sickos still out there who haven’t been caught.
I like to hike, am a petite woman, and have a very protective Lab/Mix. Since I found out there are “guys” living in the forest, on DNR land, where I like to hike? My husband goes with me or my loaded buddy and I don’t mean my dog.
You who mention statistics? How do you explain 75% – all 3 of my sisters were raped (in different states). Gee, guess they were unlucky. The numbers of attacks on women and children are far higher than reported—duh, because so many AREN’T reporting the crimes. One of my friends was molested as a child (her mother was a free-ranger), and raped once as a child, three more times as an adult. Tell HER about your statistics.
The little 9 yr old who was murdered just 1,000 feet from her house, by a 15 year old neighborhood GIRL?! That is being charged as premeditated murder due to written evidence discovered in the 15 yr old’s room. That little girl should have been able to walk that distance in safety. Reality check, read what I wrote…anytime, anywhere, and you don’t get a warning (don’ t rely on registries). It wasn’t a sex offender or convicted felon who killed this poor little girl. It was a neighborhood teen…
When I lived by the Microsoft Campus, in Redmond WA, one block away, a little 9 yr old boy lived. His mother free-ranged him. Heck the park was only a block away. He met a 15 yr old there. The teen got tired of being followed and didn’t appreciate the little boy’s interest in befriending him. That was the reason he gave for murdering him. No prior convictions. Another high end neighborhood with virtually no crime. My son was also 9, at this time, and he wasn’t allowed to walk to the park by himself. In fact, I went with them to the park. We lived in a cul de sac and they weren’t allowed to be separated. I could stand in the front yard and have visual contact with them at all times. I knew where they were at all times. My children knew the 9 yr old who was murdered and also knew the 15 yr old killer. They also knew the 13 yr old boy who was murdered in the apt above ours…
I chatted with my daughter today, living in Florida, on her own…preparing for the big move to CO soon… She said, those of you thinking your kids could possibly be safer than yourselves (you aren’t as safe as you think)? Deluded and NOT living in the real world. Crimes can happen at any time and to any one.
Here is another broad daylight happening…
In a nice area of Seattle, in broad daylight, my son and his friend were threatened by a gun wielding gang member. My son, being 6’4″ tall, is no idiot. He wasn’t armed with anything but the common sense he says I am mostly responsible for fostering in him as he grew up… My words rang, “Don’t pick a battle you can’t win, walk, run, avoid, but choose fast.” He calmly talked that guy not just out of shooting them, but also out of harming them in any way.
Some of you living surprisingly safe lives free from what we have experienced, either first hand, or very close to? Don’t get a false sense of security. That is what predators look for.
Lori, I like the detective stories idea. It belongs on the Ideas page.
Houghton, had to look up that word “hagiographic”. Anyway, your use of “innocent girl” (as opposed to just, “he lured a girl into his apartment” — it’s pretty obvious that she’s not guilty) tells me that you yourself are media-influenced. Just sayin’.
Lori, there seem to be a lof of “little nine-year-olds” out there. After all, the murder of a plain ol’ (large?) nine-year-old wouldn’t elicit our sympathy, would it? Watch the news much?
I don’t watch the news at all, since I don’t watch television. The news I watch is via online. I live in the real world, with all its beauty and also stark cold reality.
Yarn, one thing you may not have considered. Age & size matters to predators. When I was a child, reading those detective magazines, I became interested in the reasons why some children, women, and even men are targeted, why it seemed like there were patterns to some of the senseless violence, and I also watched interviews of serial killers, rapists, and other violent predators. Since I had seen so much violence in my childhood, and since then, having family members raped and assaulted? I sought some sort of understanding that I could wrap my mind around. There wasn’t any. Most criminals are not insane. In fact, they are often extremely intelligent. The %s of reported crimes has skewed the numbers.
Now I wrote this above:
Some of you living surprisingly safe lives free from what we have experienced, either first hand, or very close to? Don’t get a false sense of security. That is what predators look for.
Why do I feel violence can happen anywhere, anytime, and you need to be wary (besides the obvious…duh, look what I have already experienced, my family has experienced, and praise God we are all alive)?
It used to be that Communities were “tight,” and everybody knew each other, more women were homemakers (always someone around), and there were literally more people outside during the day. I can drive through neighborhoods where there is no one outside! Where that little girl (age isn’t relevant, but she was also 9) was snatched? She sounded her alarm, but there was no one home to hear it. This happened in a quiet neighborhood, with almost everyone was at work… With all other factors considered, criminals seek “opportunity.”
While I was at my great niece’s birthday party (turning 3) at a local waterfront park, I noticed a man taking photographs of only children. He was a skinny guy, creepy looking, driving an older car. A few mothers went up and asked him to stop photographing their children (some were in bathing suits, summer clothing…). He refused to stop taking pictures & gave no legitimate reason for him to be there. I took a picture of his license plate & called the police. When the Officer arrived, called in the plate, big surprise. A sex offender, who was actually registered, and had committed sexual crimes against children. He was picked up and arrested, in violation of his Parole. This wasn’t on the news…
Lori, good move. I hope parents explained to the kids what was going on.
The ugly debate over how old is old enough to trick-or-treat without parents again rears it’s ugly head. I was reading on a parenting board this morning where a mother says she won’t allow her 22 year-old daughter to trick-or-treat with her friends because of the danger of poisoned candy or being snatched. Really? If a 22 year-old is unable to make any kind of decisions for themselves, I would be very worried about their safety, because if they are ever confronted with a threatening situation they are going to have absolutely no idea what to do except ask their mom.
I know you say being a kidnap victim is rare – and it probably is, but why take the risk? Having a fire in your house is probably just as common as child abduction, but I’m willing to bet you still have smoke-alarms and fire insurance. Are you honestly saying we should protect our homes more than our kids?
I am all for letting our kids explore the world – but under proper adult supervision. I let my younger kids play outside (ages 6 and 7), but I have a door or window open and can hear and/or see them easily. But I don’t let my kids walk home alone from school, and I don’t let them run around the neighborhood alone either. My stepson is 12, and he is allowed to ride his bike or walk to and from his friend’s houses in the neighborhood, but that just started about a year ago.
There are 6 sex-offenders that live within two miles of our house – and if there are 6 REGISTERED sex offenders – how many UNregistered sickos are out there? The police can’t catch them all!
I am not one of those hovering, over-scheduling moms – I would rather my kids play soccer in the field behind our house with friends and family, than join a soccer team – but there really are limits to the kind of “free range” you can allow your children. Those factors depend on things such as where you live and the maturity of your child.
While I appreciate kids *should* be able to explore and learn independence and responsibility through trial and error during exploring, the environment our kids are growing up in today is MUCH different than that of ours, or our parents when we could play outside, unsupervised for hours and hours on end – yes there were perverts back then, but there are either more now, or we just know about more now and with such advanced technology available to sexual deviants, it may be helping more of the mentally unstable have easier access to our children.
So, I say, my kids are worth my extra time and effort – they can explore their world and learn independence, but I will be watching them as closely as I can for as long as I can. I have smoke detectors and insurance on my home to keep it safe and my children have me to keep them safe.
Regarding a parent telling a 22 year old that she can’t go trick or treating. My children would have smiled gently at me, and then politely remind me that they were over 21 and didn’t need my permission. Then again, they were supporting themselves in their own homes at that age.
Susan –
Smoke detectors and insurance are a completely different issue because there is nothing to be gained by letting your house burn down, but children have much to gain by being allowed to have freedom and independence.
If safety was the only issue I had to worry about as a parent, then I would probably place many restrictions on my daughter. It pained me to leave her with a baby sitter for the first time, to let her climb on park equipment alone when she was a toddler, to send her out on a school bus…
All of those things involve risk, but I accept those risks because of all there is to gain from her taking them.
I’m not sure I agree that “the environment today” is much different than it was when I grew up in the 70s – even if it were true, then our kids need to be all the more prepared to be independent. They need to be able to take care of themselves. They can also be victimized as adults, and it’s essential that they develop the skills and self-confidence to eventually live on their own. An overprotective parent can teach some of these skills, but nothing compares to giving them real life experience. Being overprotective can teach children that the world is a dark, evil, and threatening place and that really does nothing to help them live on their own later.
Hello! Just read you interview in Spain´s newspaper. It seems that what you are defending back in the States is making many people mad. Here in Spain and in many countries in Europe, we do also have criminals, pedophiles, etc. but we completely freak out with the comments of many Americans ´whising that something bad happens to your son so you would learn the lesson ???´ What kind of human being is that? I think many Americans don´t live and enjoy their life and the benefits that a permisive family life can offers them, but live life as if it was a criminal movie!!! I have always thought that you are beeing brain washed by the media, the politicians and whoever who wants you to stop thinking and just acting as a robot. Stop watching violent movies with your kids and start doing something that will turn your kid into a good, self -confident and intelligent person!!!! Stop feeding gun-and-so-on industry. No wonder you are scared, you let younsters buy a gun!!! Stop thinking you are beeing attacket by terorists, Ufo´s or whatever!! Honestly, from outside, you seem a sick, sad and contradictory society. Good luck!!
A 22-year old who still wants to go Trick or Treating can only be the prouduct of a helicoptor parent.
Paula, about those six sex offenders: Does it say what their offenses were? It may be that they were “perps” of statutory rape (underage sex between teens) or some kid trying to buy a girlie mag at a convenience store. What is it helping you to pore over the sex offense registry?
I’m totally for free range kids! I grew up running around the neighborhood and trick or treating at night on actual Halloween and nothing bad ever happened to me or my friends, or any of the thousands of people that I, as an air force brat, grew up knowing or have known since in fact the only person that I know who has a tragic horrible thing happened to me story was molested by her uncle and none of this stifling coddling crap would have kept that kind of thing from happening.
The missing 9-year-old girl from Missouri was, of course, found dead. I just heard a family member on Nancy Grace say the girl’s mom and dad are “a wreck.” And they should be, if they were the ones who let their child walk home alone that is.
The only thing good about hearing cases like this is the reassurance that these kind of tragedies HAPPEN AS A RESULT OF BAD CHOICES.. and if you make good choices and are protective of your children, you CAN help to avoid situations like this.
Be a lazy parent like Lenore advocates, and your child could end up in a ditch just like hundreds of others. BE RESPONSIBLE AND PROTECT YOUR KIDS.
Heavens, yes. Let’s forget the MILLIONS of children who were NOT taken and make sure our precious snowflakes are guaranteed to be the one in 1.5 million. They will learn nothing of the world or how to navigate it.
Not to mention this blame the victim mentality. What happened to holding the CRIMINAL as the bad guy here? The mom didn’t make the bad guy do what he did. HE DID IT. No one else.
“Having a fire in your house is probably just as common as child abduction,”
And that sentence says it all. Assuming what the stats “probably” are with no evidence whatsoever.
LauraL, it’s because we don’t know the perp, so we blame whoever we can: the victim’s “irresponsible” parents.
Dana, isn’t it funny? Lori personally knows dozens of victims of violence, yet Amity knows only one. Seems statistically unlikely to me…
Since I found this website (and subsequently bought the book) a week or so ago, the conversations I have started about raising children are becoming absurd.
From my front door we have to cross three driveways (no roads) to get to the end of the street. From there we turn a corner, staying on the same sidewalk, and cross one more driveway before we arrive at the park.
From Spring onwards (2.5 yrs old) my kids have been allowed to first run ahead of me to the corner and wait there, as long as the driveways are clear (I can see each driveway and can see if anyone is sitting in a car). Once I arrive at the corner they can then run ahead to the park.
To me that sounds absolutely, without doubt… harmless. We did this almost every day and I didn’t have to worry once, watching my kids trying to peek into cars to see if anyone was in them was actually quite cute. But try telling this story to friends whose kids are not allowed from their side, no running ahead, not only would that drive the kids crazy but me too. I completely fail to see the potential for harm. If they fall… they fall. A scraped knee, maybe a drop of blood, we hug, kiss, and they get up and sprint again. Even if a fall resulted in a visit to the ER, so what?
Did I also mention that they do all of this barefoot in the suburbs of Montreal, I guess that’s a whole nuther ballgame though, eh? 😉
I want my kids to have happy childhoods, rather than guarded like prisoners or treated like idiots. Risk has to be assessed. Thousands more kids die each year with their mothers behind the wheel of the car than get kidnapped by strangers.
For those that are paranoid, perhaps you should never let your precious child ride in a car, EVER.
I’ll say it again, this time directed at Dana;
Blame the -monsters- who do the crime, not the parents who wanted to give their kids some freedom. It is NEVER a parent’s fault that -another entity- committed a crime. Or is it your fault that kids in your city shoplift when they don’t have enough money to get something they want? Is it your fault that abused spouses are being beaten in this country because you refuse to go peeking in peoples’ homes? Is it your fault that someone else gets killed in a drunk driving accident because you don’t harangue people into not drinking whenever possible?
I’ll spell this out clearly, because I don’t want anyone to mistake my words for anything but what they are:
What you are advocating is -evil-.
Cheers.
William
Dana, at what age would you think a child would be old enough to walk to the park? If not nine, what about twelve, fifteen, eighteen? If you follow the news, you will find more than a couple of college students that have kidnapped and killed. Maybe we should drive our kids to college and stay in the dorms to guard them.
Also, considering how many children die in car accidents EACH WEEK, with their very own mothers driving, maybe we should advocate children never ride in cars. Because according to you, any risky behavior is the parent’s fault. And cars are one of the most dangerous things around. So if your child dies in a car accident, it’s your fault for allowing him to get in a car, at least by your logic.
MARION,
It very well could be the parent’s fault for the car wreck… or it could be the next idiot who ran into them. That is situational. Leave that to the police to determine… just like the lady who drove drunk with all those kids in New York (killing one of the children.) There is always a reason and somewhere to look for the cause. Not blame, CAUSE. (Well, in her case it was very cut and dry because of the alcohol, so I think “BLAME” suits just fine.)
I guess the age that it is okay to let a child out alone is when they are old enough and strong enough to defend themselves and make good choices… and no, that age shouldn’t be left up to the parent, because apparently a lot of parents on this site find it more convenient to let their kids out on their own as early as they can walk. I’d say most people who let their kids run free don’t do it because its beneficial to the child (and it is, in a perfect world without rapists, serial killers, kidnappers, etc.) but they do it because it is CONVENIENT to them. The last three years of my life haven’t been very convenient for me, but my three year old has been sick maybe twice? she’s never broken a bone, never had a serious injury – she’s barely had any scrapes and bruises, and the ones she did get happened at preschool or the sitter’s (when I WAS NOT AROUND being a “helicopter.” ) Anyway, I’m not a child psychologist, but I’d say about 13 or 14 is a good age to start allowing children to go places without their parents or guardians, or whatever. And the legal system/authorities DO have a right to make certain choices about the welfare of children… and tons of people get charged all the time with child endangerment and/or neglect. Children are taken from their parents all the time by Social Services… so I’m not sure what country you guys live in.
It definitely IS still a dangerous world at any age – so your point about college kids just proves my point even more. Its even a dangerous world for ADULTS, so why let a child out without someone to protect them!!!??
You people can take your chances with your own children, but I’ll choose to keep mine safe. This is mostly a matter of personal choice, unless the situation is so extreme it actually does break the laws protecting children like I mentioned above. Most of your children will live, so the statistics aren’t too horrible…. the lucky ones… who will be the unlucky ones? You’re willing to take those chances with your kids?? That’s insane. Its so sad for the ones who will get killed or scarred for life by some heinous crime because they had no one there to protect them.
Last night on Nancy Grace, someone called in and asked a question about the Missouri girl. Nancy said, basically, Well… first off, my twins would never be at anyone’s house where there was anyone I didn’t know and trust completely, and secondly… they would NEVER walk home alone at nine years old. She also said when her twins go to preschool the teachers look out at see her standing there peeping in the window checking on them (a cute way to say she’s overprotective.) Nancy Grace is just plain awesome!!!!
Nancy Grace is an idiot and a fearmongerer.
Oh and WILLIAM –
Your point makes no sense. I do not have any legal control over other people, nor do I have any obligation to them. And of course it is ultimately the criminal to blame. What I am saying is it sucks for the kid who was born to the parent who is parked with their cheeseburger in front of Dancing with the Stars while the kid is being dragged off to be raped, killed, and thrown in a shallow grave.
There are PLENTY of groups out there who are activists against all these things you listed, domestic violence, drunk driving, etc. They do all they can to prevent these things.
PARENTS HAVE A LEGAL AND MORAL OBLIGATION TO PROTECT THEIR CHILDREN – BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
Washing my hands of it, there’s no discussion to be had here, just fearmongering.
Dana, don’t know who Nancy Grace is, so I looked her up. She looks to be just another glitzed-up fearmonger. I suggest you hit the Off button on your TV remote.
I also looked for a reference to a parent parked in front of Dancing With the Stars eating a cheeseburder while her child was being dragged off to her death. Couldn’t find any. Would you mind pointing me to it? Or should I just look in Snopes?
I’m curious about your thoughts on this story (sorry if it has been mentioned before) : http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article6897001.ece
Do you think the Dutch judge is right to prevent her from leaving, do her parents know best? If she is capable… that’s one amazing child for today’s climate.
I just stumbled on to this website. I “gasp” let my kids ride on public transit in Los Angeles. We have lived here 3 years and my oldest has left home, the others are 14 and 16. They have been home schooled and take classes at the community college. I wanted them to get the kind of exposure I got as a child.
Anyone who thinks the 70’s were safe is totally delusional. Likewise Europe is not safe. I lived in Zurich and there were very dangerous neighborhoods there. One of them has since been cleaned up, but was popular with tourists. I was attacked one in Italy. I screamed and fought and was dropped, then I ran. My 5th grade teacher was a perp and we all knew it. He just set his hand on my neck once and I dug in my fingernails. Never happened again. I saw him put his hand down a girls shirt to grab her breast and she decked him, he never bothered her again. The girls I knew who had the most trouble were the pleasers.
I have raised my daughter to be tough and ornery like I was. I later found out that the husband of the sweet couple in their 80’s up a country road from where we lived was pinching my friend’s butt, but he never touched me. Why? I would have fought back and been noisy about it. All my kids study martial arts. My daughter is very tough and outspoken. It may not be popular or fashionable, but it is safer. I have taught all my kids to think independently and not trust authority figures. A high density of perps are in schools and churches. A friend of mine’s husband molested 100’s of boys in our church before he was caught and sent to jail. When my friend found out she turned her husband in. Let’s worry about Boy Scouts and church (we do both) and have less worry about parks and public transit.
My kids rode in the back of an open pick-up truck when we were in Mexico and I was happy that they got to have that kind of experience. My daughter will be doing motorcycle training and riding one here in LA soon. She is 16. I met my husband rock climbing. We do dangerous things and accept a risk. A life lived without danger is like a living death.
Naturally I get all kinds of grief from other parents. When I let my toddlers just fall off playground equipment and learn that way, they were horrified. When I encouraged my husband to cut his commute by riding a motorcycle I got all kinds of grief from other women. My kids are going to Paris in the spring to do something with their grandmother and have permission to go anywhere they want int he city as long as they stick together. My husband was wondering if it was safe and I just laughed at him, we live in LA, they can handle themselves.
The area we live in is widely perceived as very safe. I just looked up crime stats and it is not. A part of Inglewood I want to move in to is way safer, yet because it is part of Inglewood you would not believe how many people see it as dangerous. It is predominantly a minority neighborhood. People jump to conclusions without looking at statistics. This neighborhood of Inglewood is safer than the best parts of Santa Monica and even Brentwood. For those of you not familiar with LA, Brentwood is where the governor lives. The part the governor lives in is very safe, but the areas full of apartments and adjacent are not. The famous Venice beach area is very dangerous at night and marginal during the day.
I have also lived in small towns and they are no safer and never have been. The solution is not to live in a cocoon, but to learn to deal with danger and not live in fear.
I am glad to see that some people are fighting back against the pushy and protective parenting that has become standard in modern life.
Yam Erez – the parents parked in front of their TV are all around you…. uhhh that’s why most Americans are clueless and obese? Are you that blind and ignorant? And I should push the off button on MY TV? Hahaha! I rarely watch TV… unless its Discovery or History…. and the news. And yes, Nancy Grace is the news. I think TV is for non-intellectuals!
I feel so sorry for you guys kids!
news
/nuz, nyuz/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [nooz, nyooz] Show IPA
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–noun (usually used with a singular verb)
1. a report of a recent event; intelligence; information: His family has had no news of his whereabouts for months.
2. the presentation of a report on recent or new events in a newspaper or other periodical or on radio or television.
3. such reports taken collectively; information reported: There’s good news tonight.
4. a person, thing, or event considered as a choice subject for journalistic treatment; newsworthy material. Compare copy (def. 5).
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o⋅pin⋅ion
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–noun
1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.
3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.
4. Law. the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.
5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone’s good opinion.
6. a favorable estimate; esteem: I haven’t much of an opinion of him.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Journalism_ethics_and_standards
While various existing codes have some differences, most share common elements including the principles of — truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity, impartiality, fairness and public accountability — as these apply to the acquisition of newsworthy information and its subsequent dissemination to the public.[3][4][5][6]
You can teach kids to be tough. You can teach kids what to do and not do. But they are still kids, inexperienced and vulnerable. My parents told me to trust people, but that not all people have honorable intentions. It was pounded in to me as a child. I was also taught to fight back. When I was 13 years old I met a store clerk when I was alone in a store, who said he played the same instrument as I did, and invited me to his house that evening to play together. That evening when I was leaving for his house, the parents who taught me to be independent and smart, asked where I was going. They did not permit me. Three or four months later the guy was arrested for multiple child molestation, abuse, rape and battery. Twelve years later he is still in jail today since he committed so many atrocities. This story is repeated so many times across the world it is sad. But this woman who professes to be an “authority” and advocate, whould say I should have been allowed to go and then defend myself. I was then, and am now, a very intelligent and aware person. But my vulnerability as an inexperienced 13 year old could not stand up to the experience this guy gained over the years in his smooth talk. Lenore is way off base….she has no qualifications and is advoicating injury and perhaps worse, to our children, and is not a responsible person. We should do everything we can to put her out of the business of making money off this issue. She showed on Fox how stupid & psychologically crippled she really is. Thank goodness for that! Let’s just hope that because of her kids don’t suffer until she can convinced to get another job an earn a reputable living.
Seems like there is a lot of chatter that results in black and white syndrone. What is this stuff that you either believe in the Free Range lack of responsibility or you are the exact opposite….a right winger who supports the fearmonger Nancy Grace. Both are rediculous. The answer isn’t either one, or the other. The answer is human responsibility , common sense and overall rational thinking put into practice. To the person who says the parents shouldn’t be blamed when the bad guy gets their kids and thus, Free range should be allowed since it isn’t the parents or kids fault…..is living in a bubble. Hey dude, I got news for you…..no matter whose fault it isn’t…..the kids still got raped, or abused, or beaten, or killed and put in a shallow grave. Is that OK too? Don’t blame anyone except the bad guys is too late…..the damage is done. Don’t be an idiot and regret it when it is too late. Explain to your kids as a lifestyle that it has nothing to do with controls on the kids…it all has to do with protection against the bad guys who are smarter and have more resources to do the dirty deeds. If you you believe in Free range, I highly encourage each parent believer of Free Range to print the list of sex offenders in your town, give the list to your kids, and tell them to invite these people to your house for the family BBQ this weekend!
Josh, FR isn’t about sending them off with nothing.
We still ask our kids where they are going – like your parents did. And you were honest and we want our kids to be honest, too. It rang wrong with your parents – it would have rang wrong with us, too! You learned a lesson, didn’t you? And your parents had your back.
And check on those sex offenders – your neighbor just might have been a dumb kid and had sex with his underage girlfriend and now he’s on the list – for the REST OF HIS LIFE.
You’re right. Can’t be black or white. But you can use common sense and question things.
Lenore —
While I do believe that we have a societal tendency toward overprotection of our children, I think you have missed the boat on this one. Your appearance on Fox was poorly done and you missed the point. The host was not insinuating that the UPS driver was a kidnapper. What she was saying is “what if it really was a bad person at the door”. I know these instances are rare, but why risk it? Do you honestly think that free ranging your kids takes the place of security precautions. Why would you NOT want to know where your kids are every moment of every day?. Your premise is flawed and your position is too simplistic. I suggest that you consult with John Rabun of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (or someone with his experience) before you declare yourself an expert in anything. The fact that you wrote a book, does not make you an expert.
You are dangerous in that you ignore facts and declare the world safe. Some people will believe you. I hope that they are not misled into a position that leaves their children at risk. Everybody agrees with you that we should teach our kids to be safe and self sufficient; but the fact remains that the world HAS changed. Evil exists and we must do EVRYTHING WE CAN to keep our kids safe — even if it means GPS tracking.
David-
“‘Our message is exactly the one you’re trying to convey. We have been trying to debunk the myth of stranger danger,’ says Ernie Allen.
“What’s stunning about this statement is that Allen is the head of the Natnional Center for Missing and Exploited Children. The organization John Walsh helped found after his son was killed. The organization that runs the 1-800-THE LOST. **The organization that put the missing kids’ pictures on the milk cartons and didn’t tell us that most of them were runaways or abducted by family members.** And although I believe that his organization is one of the reasons we are all so out of our minds with abduction fear, it turns out that Allen and I are in heated agreements that parents are worried about the wrong problem and giving out the wrong solution.
“‘Our message to parents is you don’t have to live in fear, you don’t have to feel you have to lock your children in a room,” says Alen. What you do have to do, he says, is talk to t hem about how to handle themselves confidently, among people they know and people they don’t.”
–Lenore Skenazy, “Free-Range Kids”, pp 181-182
(typos all mine, my apologies.)
Laural, my point exactly, whether you realize it or not. Free range advocates freedom. That advocacy would have allowed me to visit the sex offender without my parents stopping me, with their only guidance to fight back if necessary. Instead, they stopped me over my objections and would not allow that freedom that Free range said i should have had. Once I heard months later about this guy’s arrest, I had a new respect for my parents. Who do you think I would have blamed if they allowed me to visit that guy and something dreadfully happened. You bet, the first I would blame would be good old Mom and Dad! Thank God, that vast percentage of American parents don’t buy into this nonsense from free Range, but instead provide responsible parenting and communication with their children.
Don’t know why i am wasting my time writing on this website, since vast majority of people going to this site are the advocates of the Free Range nonsense. So, I am out of here, and will not see your responses. You desearve each other. Thank goodness there are very few of you as a part of the whole. Good night and good luck!
Gary S, interesting. Didn’t even know a court could do that.
Liz, your post reminded me of when my husband decided to cycle from NY to Pittsburgh a few years ago in the fall. I got calls from both sets of parents demanding I not let him do it. Also reminded me of a family I know. It’s been the dad’s dream to ride a motorcycle. He took a course, got his license, and is a respected, responsible guy in all areas. He made plans to bike across the Western US with a buddy and his wife put the kibosh on it. I can’t imagine forbidding my husband from pursuing his dream in either case. Could you?
Josh, your story reminds me of an incident that happened to my husband as a teen. One of his lawn-mowing customers called him and asked him if he wanted a blow job. He promptly hung up and told his mom, who called the guy, who said he’d been joking. He never mowed that guy’s lawn again. I assume today she would’ve called the police.
Anyway, other interventions in your situation could’ve been:
1. Your dad goes to where you met him and invites him over to play his instrument at your house.
2. Your dad goes to where you met him and informs him he’ll be accompanying you on your visit to his house.
Either one would’ve surely scared him off.
So glad I found this site! I am apparently raising my kid free-range style, and didn’t even know it!
My story: I grew up in a very small Midwestern town where everybody pretty much knew everybody, so you couldn’t get away with squat. All the kids were free-range, more or less, but it worked because the town was small and safe — and there were ALWAYS a dozen or so other Moms or Dads around to correct you if you got out of line. I walked to and from school every day. My Mom was nearly always there when I got home from school, and if she wasn’t, I just went to friends’ houses or to the library until she got home. In the summers, my brother and I hung out — by ourselves — at the town pool, the baseball fields, the schoolyards, wherever we could find other kids to play with. In the winters we even skated on the park pond, something strictly forbidden now!
My husband was raised much the same way in a similar, though larger, Midwestern town. When we had our daughter, we fully intended to give her the same freedoms we had enjoyed. But times had changed, and we were living in a neighborhood that… Well, it just didn’t feel right. I can’t explain it any further than that. We didn’t let her out of the house by herself. Ever. Not even to the park, just a couple blocks away. It turns out our gut feelings were right on the mark. After a series of violent crimes in the neighborhood, we decided to leave.
We only moved two miles — in the same city, mind you — but it has made all the difference. The new neighborhood and new school both just feel right. The demographics are exactly the same, but the attitude couldn’t be more different. We could all feel it right away. Just a couple days after moving in, we let our daughter ride her bike to the schoolyard to play with the kids across the street. I can’t tell you how thrilled she was with that small measure of independence! Now, three years later, she has a dozen or so “approved” places to go on her own — friends’ houses, the library, the candy store, the bookshop, the schoolyard, etc. If she deviates from these places, she knows she is supposed to call and ask permission first. Does she always ask first? No, probably not. Does that bother me? A little bit. But she’s testing her freedom, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
For me, being a Free Range Parent means giving my daughter both freedoms and boundaries. But it is also dependent on living in a place where I feel the risks, while always present, are somewhat minimized. I also appreciate living among other Free Range Parents. On any given warm spring evening, I can lean out my window and observe a raucous game of Ghost in the Graveyard that covers two or three blocks. You can hear the kids’ happy voices all over the neighborhood. What could be better?
Free Range all the way!
Laura
I’ve just started your book and I feel much better about my parenting. I want to keep my daughter safe, but also want to raise an independent girl who can think for herself. I worry that I keep the apron strings too tight, but in reading the book it seems I am not as bad as I thought I was. Even if I am worried, and I try really hard not to show it, I usually choose to give her more freedom. Some of the advice the experts give has always sounded wrong to me. I remember growing up and doing my own thing most of the time. I’m not quite there yet with my baby, but I’m working on it.
Thank-you for inserting a little common sense into the argument,
Karen Boe
I agree with your philosophy, but it seems like you (and a lot of your followers) either live in affluent suburbs, or out in the country, where a lot of the threats prevalent in an inner-city neighborhood – or hell, an urban neighborhood – simply don’t exist.
I grew up in a lovely suburb near San Francisco, and I remember my own parents struggle between being protective and being stifling. Allowing me to walk down our street (in our closed-off, upper-middle-class housing development) to school was a huge deal for them. But they let me, and I walked to and from until I went on to high school, and lo and behold I am in one piece.
Then, when I moved to Los Angeles, I got robbed twice within the span of two years, and was privileged to look on as a gas station full of people (The Chevron on the corner of Eagledale and Broadway – thanks, guys.) witnessed mugging #2 and did absolutely nothing to help. I’m a slightly built, relatively attractive 26 year old (white) woman. They stared like cows; I’ll never forget it.
It’s a matter of common sense, I suppose, and it depends on the situation and where you live. You want your children to grow and to have independence, but you don’t want to fling them out alone into a world of people who would not reach to help them should something go wrong. I guess this is one of those things I’ll always struggle with, but I can safely say that I’ll be damned if I’d ever stick a GPS scanner on my child.
Then again, I don’t have children…so perhaps it’s a moot point.
Here is something I haven’t read, yet. Oh, and up front, no helicopter parent, but I am one that is the middle who made all decision with her GROWN children sensibly, reality based, and risk-based. With incredibly independent young adult children (age 19 & 21). The elder of the two is moving from FL to CO, and again after ski season…well on her way to what is increasing success in singing/songwriting/acting. But let me tell you, that at times, some of you would think I was over-protective.
Now, to the point of this Post:
What do you tell the tough 12 year old who was taught to fight who got raped on her way home from school? That was my sister. Would you tell her she didn’t fight hard enough against a full grown large man? Would you tell her she took the wrong route? Would you have told her to be more careful next time? For the rest of her childhood, she was in fear this would happen to her again and blamed herself as she was mistakenly always told she was safe if she made the right decisions… She also grew up feeling “unprotected” by our parents who allowed her to walk home from school alone. That key word here is “alone.” What I learned from this? To NOT walk anywhere by myself and be “prepared” to defend myself in a rather surprising fashion- I was 10 (I carried a knife and knew out to throw it and a lot more). Later, my determination to meet any threat was rewarded in me saving my own life (without that gun, I would have been dead). Now, I was legal to carry it and legal to own it, so don’t advocate breaking any laws. I do believe in the right to bear arms responsibly.
Here is a fast change. I was raised with loaded firearms in the house. Not one single accident with six children. My husband & I always had two loaded handguns in the house. Our children knew where they were, never touched them, and there were no accidents. The key was taking them out to show them how dangerous they are, educating them, and being responsible ourselves. Both have been taught how to shoot, as well. Currently, neither of them own firearms. My daughter carries pepper spray & is street smart at all times.
We can’t give our children knives anymore. They can’t even carry a pocket knife (like they used to commonly). They can’t have pepper spray at school. So their best protection? A cell phone- no protection at all!
What do you tell your children (son 9 at the time, daughter 10.5) when the 9 yr old boy they both KNEW was murdered by the teen boy they also KNEW? One block from our home, right by Microsoft Campus (we are talking high end homes…). I didn’t allow my children to walk to the park without me. I’d go with them, and bring something to read, or be engaged with them if they wanted me to while at this park. Should I have told them it was an extremely isolated case and they shouldn’t worry? That wouldn’t have flown because of the next memory they both had.
My children both thanked me for protecting them by accompanying them to the park and warning them to stay away from the odd teen (I pegged him as unsafe and told them both prior to the murder). Had I not gone to the park with them, I would never have met this murderer!
What do you tell your 5 yr old son and 6.5 year old daughter when their friend, a really cool 13 yr old boy from upstairs, was murdered (another really high end area)? Had I told them it would never happen again and bad things happen so very rarely, and hadn’t pegged that troubled teen at the park by Microsoft? Something awful could have happened to one or both of my kids. It was never enjoyable to have these conversations with my children, but they were well warranted.
What do you tell a 7 yr old little girl, after she was saved from drowning by a wonderful teen-age young lady, only because her parents weren’t paying attention to her even though she couldn’t swim…? These parents relied on the fact they warned her not to wade too far out, because it was too deep. That little girl was me and this experience further deepened the fact my parents didn’t watch out for me. Wonderful young ladies and gentlemen ready and willing to save the lives of children in peril? Much fewer and farther in between. Read the story about the young 15 year old who was beaten & gang-raped and many young people watched, took pictures, and NONE of them called 911 to report it. Several hours later, she was found, unconscious. Hardly any one gets involved, many watch others drown when they could have saved them.
When I was in WY, age 19 or 20, I saw a little girl in the middle of the road ahead of my car. I pulled my car over, slammed on my brakes, took a fast look at both lanes of oncoming traffic, saw my chance, ran out there & scooped up the poor little hysterical child & we both made it safely to the sidewalk. I didn’t care about my car, but couldn’t watch a child get hit while I did nothing… My point? Why didn’t anyone else stop?
Years later, after having fun taking a canoe down a river, my sister & I were carrying it back. My son wanted to swim, while my daughter walked. I told him not to remove his life jacket and not to go out further into the river where the currents were. Where the river took a bend, he was supposed to get out, but he decided to toss his jacket onto the embankment and swam out into the currents. When he realized he was in trouble, he got to where a branch overhung, and grabbed it and began screaming for help. Within a short distance he would have been quickly carried into a lake and drowned (the river became very rough at this point). I was glancing at him, occasionally, but also carrying the other side of a heavy canoe and didn’t see him suddenly toss his jacket & swim out until he was already in trouble & clinging to that branch. My sister froze, and I dropped my end of the canoe and ran over the rocks not feeling a thing (barefooted), dove in, and got to my son in record speed (I am a competitor level swimmer & took lifesaving, too). I swam him, against the currents, to the other side, while a lot of people “just watched without helping us.” Oh, they cheered when I lifted him out of the water. Especially, when they saw a small 105# woman emerge, lifting up her 100# son… Okay, now afterward? I could barely walk across those rocks, my feet hurt so. Adrenalin goes a long way, let me tell you. He went from being a decent swimmer to being a competition level swimmer and so did my daughter.
My daughter was visiting one of my sisters, who had young children, and they leaved near the beach. While there, with the whole family, another incident happened. Her cousin, only 3 at the time, went in too far. My sister was distracted with her other 2 children at the time, and too far away from her son to help him. When my daughter saw her cousin go under, she did what I had taught her to do, and it took all her strength to fight the currents to save her cousin. He had taken in a lot of water, but was okay. My daughter told me later that she would have rather drowned with her cousin than to have stood there and watched him drown.
I wonder how many people like us there are out there, willing to save children from injury, risk our lives to help others, and call 911 to get help? Sorry, I don’t think there are nearly as many as before and wouldn’t count on it.
Switching to another topic…that of preventing injury in a rather interesting way…
Until my son was 12, he suffered from childhood epilepsy. This affected his decision making and also his balance. So, I challenged him & taught him to do everything he was physically capable of doing. I didn’t push him if he failed at something due to his disability. Instead, reintroduced that activity later. When he was 8 years old, I came up with an idea, as he was disappointed in his physical abilities and was also incapable of running (some issue connected with his form of Epilepsy). I told him that I would give him $1,000 if he made it to 18 without breaking any major bones. At 16, he was walking up some wooden steps, and slipped on ice, breaking his big toe. While grimacing in pain, he asked if the deal was still on (LOL). Of course, I assured him as that was not a major bone. When he was 18 years old, I handed him $1,000.
Now, did this keep my son from having fun? Nope, not one bit. He swam, hiked, and did everything he wanted to do. However, before doing any new physical activity, he weighed the risk of injury to himself more than he would have normally. With all that he was taught, by me, as I was his homeschool teacher for 10 years, and from real life observations (not in a bubble, thank you)? He ended up with far more common sense than other guys his age! Instead of sending a helpless 18 year old out into the world, I sent him out with a full “tool chest.” What I had always told my kids was that it was my job to provide the tools and it was their job to use them.
I had recently read about a young woman who left a concert, wasn’t allowed back in, so she texted her friends that she would “find a ride home.” She was alone… They found her murdered.
What I fail to understand is that so many children and young women will be walking around alone after dark. I see this locally, and in the more highly populated areas. What I also see is there is no one outside or around. That is the perfect opportunity predators look for.
I’ve been reading stats, since my experiences personally, those close to me, and those of my family aren’t the “typical.” Wow, found out that we don’t exist according to opinions or stats. The chances are against us even existing with so much violence happening to us and those we know personally. I have to say that I am thrilled that many others haven’t experienced what we have. Until there has been a child kidnapped, molested, raped, or killed in your family, you will not understand. Only those who have will understand where I am coming from. Almost everyone else to go off what they experienced as a child. I have my childhood, early adulthood, and into my 40s full of real life experiences to go off of, not just what I read about.
Let us please be a little more gentle with each other. I am 60 now and have had a range of different jobs in my life so far. None of them were heartwrenching, kept me awake at night, made me agonize over decisions or something I said, or left me feeling guilty years later like the job of parenting my two children. We all try to do the best we can with what we have and know at the time. I would even go so far to say that most people who come to this blog have in common the desire to be the best parent they know how. It is the hardest job in the world!
I shared reality as I have experienced as others have (mine just isn’t as pretty). Others can read what in they wish, but it is all true, and I could add a lot more. What I keep reading are so many stories of nothing happening & wished that we could have experienced that, but sadly didn’t. I can take 100% responsibility for what I have written, as it is ALL TRUE. Those who read it, are responsible for their reactions. No one is being challenged, but I made a very valid point. If you have never experienced violence directly, been very close to it, or even seen it? I am glad for you, but I guarantee you that you cannot understand this outlook formed over my lifetime. I hope you & your loved ones never do.
On parenting styles? I certainly didn’t rely on being the “best parent I knew how.” I DIDN’T KNOW HOW! I modeled my parenting style after observing the outcome. There were families I knew and I observed the behavior of their young adult children. Those who had hard working independent children who were close to their parents? That is what I wanted for my children. So, I read some parenting books, and began interviewing parents who had already raised their children. I did all this by the time I bore my first child. I wasn’t perfect, but know that I consistently followed the framework that I saw worked to achieve the end goal. I hasn’t raised in a Christian home, in fact, don’t remember any one ever saying Grace or praying in my family. As a young adult, I became a Believer. That helped to further form my parenting style. Throw in common sense, consider an Epileptic son, gifted daughter, and the style was more uniquely mine to suit my family challenges & situation. I consider parenting a privilege.
I don’t have kids but I am definitely in favor of allowing children to explore the world for themselves. Helicopter parenting does far more damage than good to a child and once the child becomes an adult, will have a hard time doing anything for himself or herself without Mommy or Daddy being there all of the time.
My children learned through facing real ordeals and real consequences. Their framework of rules was consistent throughout their childhood. I raised incredibly independent children. I can speak from the experience of not just raising my children, but they are adults. The proof is in the pudding, as they say.
After they both move to CO, my son is saving $$$ for a big road trip. He is considering crossing the US, by himself. He will be 20 in December. Does anyone have an idea what it takes to be a Lead Singer of a band? My daughter has done infomercials, acted in a docudrama, done modeling, and recently was the opening (Lead Singer, of course). How did my kids get so independent, when I didn’t let them walk around by themselves. When they were older, they were required to always be with friends, not to walk by themselves. Now, my son walks all over Seattle by himself. He is a tough 6’4″ guy who thinks Helicopter parenting is ridiculous and started laughing when I asked him about “Free Range parenting.” He thought that sounded like what you do with cattle. We have free-range chickens, except have to have an electric mesh fence to protect them from coyotes. In all due respect, there can be parenting styles/versions in the middle that aren’t often discussed (mine, for example).
I live in WA, not CO, but at least that is closer to me than Florida! My daughter lived there for over a year, got a lot of training via other musicians, is recording and copyrighting her songs. She flies out to see me every few months and 1.5 years ago, she bought me an all-expense paid vacation to Breckinridge CO. I got to see her sing at a nice ski resort! Oh, I was so embarrassed when she walked over with her microphone, introduced me to the crowd, and grinned at me. In between sets, she sat with me, and all of our food & drinks were paid for. Then, while I was there, she took a few days off and insisted we were going shopping. My 20 year old took me a shopping spree and paid for the whole thing! My kids are so much fun!
Hi folks. I’d like to present essays for and against free-range parenting to my students for a writing assignment. I’ve got Skenazy’s “Why I’m Raising Free-Range Kids” but so far have not found a thoughtful and respectful counterargument.
In other words, I’d like a counterargument that does not fail to acknowledge the facts and statistics Skenazy offers and that also maintains a respectful tone toward those who disagree.
So far, I have not found such an essay. Can anyone help me out, please?
Wow, you have just insulted very intelligent wonderful people on both sides of this! Get help? Good luck!
Jackye,
I have a degree in psychology (child development research), so I have a pretty strong background in statistics and outcomes. Research has shown us such things as: a child has a better chance of surviving a childhood during which he/she were beaten regularly than one in which he/she were beaten inconsistently.
In the discussion of free range versus helicopter parenting, there are wide ranges in how the parents are actually parenting. The commonality I see is that parents practicing one or the other style are at least trying to consciously parin ent and to work at it.
The difficulty is that we cannot know in individual situations what outcomes would have been different or how the future would be reflected.
What concerns me however, is that the intense helicopter parenting is creating such a climate of fear. Large numbers of children raised with such fear will be far easier prey to giving away their own freedom as adults in exchange for safety.
Lori, re: “…so many children and young women will be walking around alone after dark…”. Uh oh. I’m getting that “blame the victim” vibe. How about locking up all the men? Take Back the Night!
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this website and book recently. Reading the book completely reaffirmed my beliefs that my children are more safe than they are in danger all of the time. I am definitely a Free-Range mom and often feel like an irresponsible parent for allowing my children to do the things I used to do when I was a child (like play outside unsupervised or stay in the kid’s section of the library while I look for my own books).
My children (4 and 2) are growing up with a lot more freedom than many kids I know and I have seen such a difference in their self reliance, confidence in their own abilities and simple life skills compared to many other children in their same age group.
Thank you for providing numbers and evidence to back up some of my beliefs and choices.
Yarn, please check your stats. ALL show that most crime occurs at night, for obvious reasons. Also the stats show a very low % of rapes are ever reported, also. That includes molestation and rapes against children. Since I was the only woman in my family who wasn’t raped, ya kinda think I am a bit more cautious for good reasons? Since I have been stalked and had some very close calls, wouldn’t ya think I’d be more careful? If I know we have violent offenders locally, why would I purposely put myself in possible harm’s way by walking alone? I DO NOT in any way blame victims. You really need to go read my Posts. Do you think I feel it was my poor sisters fault she was raped at 12? Had she NOT been walking home alone from school (broad daylight mind you)? The chance would have been FAR LOWER statistically that she wouldn’t have been a victim that day. It wasn’t her choice to walk alone. The fault lies ONLY with the “sick animal” that raped her. My son is 6’4″ and a big guy. He was out with his friend, not walking alone, in a nice area in Seattle. A gang member saw them, walked up to them, and stuck a gun in their faces.
I believe in risk-based decision making and have successfully raised street smart adult children who are both very independent. I wasn’t a Helicopter parent nor a Free Range parent.
On Psychology? I took it. On beatings? I was beaten. On surviving? You bet I did. My best friend is going after her Doctorate in Psychology and has raised three great adult kids. She feels a lot of this is too myopic. I have lived in many places and experienced what some of you haven’t. That shaped my outlook. If it didn’t? I wouldn’t be alive. All of my family live independent lives without paranoia. None, however, take risks that could put them in harm’s way.
I think it would be great to be able to walk alone during the daytime and at night without concern for our safety (except there are cougars & coyotes & bears where I live in addition to Registered Predators & a few violent Ex-Cons…). Of course, I would consider myself at fault for walking where there were bear sitings and getting attacked by a bear! Would I consider myself at fault, if I walked down to the store by myself and got attacked? Of course not, as the chances are so much lower for me to worry about being targeted during the day. Now, if I chose to walk anywhere but my direct neighborhood, I’d be risking an attack by an animal (four legged kind), and possibly the two-legged kind. Why risk any possible harm to myself? I figured I have suffered enough. Risk-based decision making is NOT being over-protective.
I swim in rivers, lakes, and streams and am a competition level swimmer. Now, considering that, do you believe it would be wise for me to push my limits and swim too far out into the Hood Canal? I have a sister who is a long distance swimmer who can swim for miles. She can do it, but I can’t. I am far faster than she is, but can’t sure can’t compete with her superior stamina. If I tried, I’d drown.
We have a Security Officer in the family, one of my direct relatives was a 911 Dispatch Operator for Fire/Police for twenty years. There is so much more going on than you ever read in the paper or see on the news.
I am always so delighted to hear about nice happy childhoods with freedom and none of the bad memories we all have. I’d have loved to have gone there. There were some great memories mixed with the others & I will always treasure them.
I have a simple story….one that will forever ingrain in me that the words you speak can come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! Why, because mine did. I was a careful Mom, with two young daughters living in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was a Mom who would go outside and watch my children play, the other Mom’s and I had nice conversations….. My daughters would often play with a lovely pair of twins, dressed so nicely with ribbons in their hair and always perfectly groomed. I noticed no supervision with these pretty girls and asked them about it. They said as long as they stuck together, they were allowed to play outside without their Mother. I actually told the two girls to never play alone and to let their Mom know she should watch them (I didn’t even know which apartment they lived in as it was a big complex) and for her to please come out when they played. I also made them promise they would stick together. One day on the news I saw a picture of one of these 8 yr old girls come on TV. She was missing from the complex I had just moved out of! They found her body later that next day in a garbage can cut in pieces. Her death was grisly and I will spare you further details. I can’t describe how I sobbed at the loss of life of a precious 8 yr old girl! I am a twin myself…how horrendous! They had separated from each other as one left something in her apartment, and her sister was so excited to get to the toy store, she let her go back alone…. when she ran back…she was taken by someone in the complex! I thought that this was unbelievable as I was a FREE RANGE KID growing up….we were street savy but never in bad areas…..this was not a bad area where I was living but I took special care as there is a high crime rate or was at this time in Vegas. Now there is a further and also disturbing experience I had which should add some light to my permanent concern but I am not overprotective. A neighbor in a different complex would often pat our dog’s head as we walked by, his wife had a young baby in her arms. He had a big smile for us as we were a young happy family and he seemed so friendly. We saw his picture on the news too. In a bad drug deal, he took a lady in her 20’s out to the desert and tried to cut off her hand with a machete’ They could not save her hand and it had to be amputated. These two things happened from apartment complexes that were just a few miles apart but…..when I struggled to get enough money to move, my heart soared as I left. I have never seen such things as I saw there. One night two beaten women from separate incidences were asleep on my floor. One of them was beaten into my door by the security guy for the complex I was living at…my hubby didn’t sleep that night! I was living in a typical apartment complex, not a bad area. One of them was in a really nice part of town. I saw such violence there, I could tell you more…..this was 15 years ago…..before the age of cell phones etc……
My sons can run around the island I live on. It has 30 yr round residents and….they have their cell phones on them at all times. We have a tracker so we know exactly where they are. There are not any stores or businesses here and everyone knows my children. My one son although 14 weighs 190 and is as strong as an ox. My other son although smaller is quite agile and very very smart. They have had survival type training by me and have been informed upon the right way to handle just about every situation. We discuss the news and what can be done to prevent issues. They do not free roam any cities……only the small private island we live on. Most of the homes are vacation homes and when they come in the summer….we keep tabs on our children. They feel so very loved by us, they never feel like we have over sheltered them in any way. Both of them are very grateful to have the knowledge to handle emergencies but also to be wary of what can happen. They ride bikes here, walk the beaches and can swim without me down there. After the swim teams they were on, I have confidence enough to allow close to shore swimming. If the waters are not calm, I go down to pick up shells on the beach near them. The dockmaster is nearby if they had any issues in the first place…kind of like the lookout for the beach they swim at. Now am I against FREE RANGE approach’s to my own parenting……I am flexible but free range would mean letting my sons take the ferry without me instead of our boat (that is against the island rules…anyway) and then let them take buses in Seattle???? That would be no. If you consider they have the run of this island, well there is trust and lee way there. I believe you have to aware of your environment and make smart decisions on what you allow from that standpoint. I live in an unique place but yes, I lock my doors at night. One day my young son two years ago wanted to go to the rope swing by a beach a couple miles from my home. He was meeting a friend there. I got this weird feeling and told him I had to be there. I said if they were playing on that really high swing…..well I sat in the car and talked on my cell phone. In just a few minutes, my son yelled for help. His friend had swung the swing into a branch high up in the air and could not get down. I calculated carefully how I was going to catch him from that high up. I positioned myself, while I told him to remain calm and breath…. Then I instructed him to let go and I would catch him. I expected to lose my balance…was fairly sure as I am very petite that I was going to fall…..instead he did what I said and landed perfectly in my arms. If I had just not worried about it and let them go together like they wanted….his Grandparents agree his ankle at the very least and most likely his leg or legs would have been broken…….. Too many things has this lady seen and also helped with to think that free roaming children completely would be wise…..there are ways to allow freedom……with less risk…….
I’m an older mom (6 weeks from 50 ugh) and have a 10 year old son. I’m proud to say he will be going to London and France, without us, this coming summer. I’m feeling nervous, but know he will be with awesome teachers, very experienced in the safety of our children. As a young ambassador with People to People (I have no other affiliation, othern than my son’s upcoming participation), I’m sure the experience will only help him in life. Of course he’ll be homesick and we’re going to miss him terribly. But what an opportunity I wish I only had at his age.
Lynn H., thanks for sharing your stories, too. I am saddened you warned those little girls and of the terrible outcome. The monster who robbed one twin of the other, the daughter of the mother, who (unlike any mothers never suffering the death of a child due to violence) has had to live with this tragedy. I liken putting children in harms way like buying a lottery ticket in some ways. So much is said about stats on here. What could be the chance that you not only knew this victim, but also warned her, then have your worst fears realized? This happened during the day, right, and where was everyone…? This was an apt complex, too, where that boy I knew was murdered in the apt above ours (in WA). When the Police arrived? People came out by the tens, many were standing around, just staring and pointing at the boys body (I was the 1st to call 911 and I saw the lady who lived next door was HOME and she didn’t call it in). This enraged the mother. She later told me that no one but I could ever understand what she went through that day. “All those cowards heard me screaming for help, and only one skinny little white woman comes running to help me.” I apologized that I couldn’t help bring him back. She told me that I had done more by just being there, calling 911, assisting with CPR, helping her deal with her loss, and staying by her side afterward, much more than she could ever thank me for. It took me quite some time to just accept that was all I could have done. At least I did what I could and then I could live with that. I can still see J’s big brown eyes, warm smile, and hear that laugh. I’ll never forget that boy. He taught my daughter how to ride her bike, held it upright. I watched him carry his sister on his shoulders almost every day after school. He laughed at me, the day before he was killed, when I told him I was holding back the special egg nog as I knew he would get into it… I had bought their family a gourmet brand of egg nog for Thanksgiving (a few days after J’s death).
After I came upon this website, I started asking friends and family what their perceptions were about safety in current society. Why it was or was not safer. I kept hearing the same things I already wrote. All made comments about Societal Apathy & Desensitization. Of course there is also fear.
There is a recent tragedy, a really horrific crime that was committed against a 15 yr old girl, but as the facts emerged. I felt sick to my stomach at what I have seen over my life over and over and over. It is getting worse, yet few seem to be aware of it. This happened on October 27th, 2009, in Richmond CA, a 15 yr old girl was gang raped, beaten, and robbed over a two hour period of time, while onlookers (reported as many as a dozen people) watched and just walked by what was happening, WITHOUT CALLING 911?! I felt terrible for this victim, but was shocked when I realized this was yet another crime involving not just people who watched and did NOTHING to help her, but DIDN’T call 911! Another young girl, who was at her own home, called 911 (she had been talking to one of her friends on the phone and was told this girl had been raped, beaten, and left there). Does anyone find this incredible that a dozen people just watched & did NOTHING, not even call 911 to get her help? My son came over last night for a visit and spent the night. He asked me if I heard about this horrific crime and we discussed it. My son said that not only would he not have walked by, not have watched, but would have seen how many guys he could have taken down to save her. No one would doubt this if they met my 6’4″ son who would risk his life to save a child or woman from harm. I guarantee you there are fewer of these men and women out there. If there is an unsupervised child swimming, guess who watches him/her (ME). When a child who can swim, goes out past the boundary (parent not watching…), guess who is the competition swimmers who can save this child? There are others like us who care and will come to the aid of others who need help. But there are MANY MORE who won’t. This cannot be counted on. My 19 yr old son told me that it is simply not wise to assume others will come to your aid any more. I asked him if he remembered what to yell to summon more help (if he came upon a situation where he needed it for himself or others)? “F I R E!”
What I see more dangerous than the odds of kids getting hit by a car, beaten by another kid, robbed, bullied, kidnapped, raped, murdered, etc…? That whatever does happen to them, they won’t be able to get help! Apathy is prevalent, so is the fear of “getting involved.” I think it is an incredibly valid concern that few people are home during the day to hear anything or be of help when something does occur. There have been hit and run accidents where the victim is left there while people are looking, taking pictures, and finally someone calls 911. We came upon a one-car accident, guy rolled his vehicle, was still inside, and the vehicle was on its side with the driver side up high. A few onlookers called 911, but NO ONE approached the vehicle. We walked right up the vehicle, while I heard a guy saying it could blow up, and my husband laughed at him climbed right up on the SUV, swung open the door (I have a big strong husband) with one arm, and helped the man out with the other confirming he wasn’t hurt too badly to get out). The man was grateful to get that help. I spoke to him for a moment to determine his condition (I am trained and know not to move people with neck injuries, etc…), saw the ambulance coming, so hubby & I left. Afterward, my husband remarked how many people were just standing around gawking, but offering no assistance. We talked about the recent drowning of a 14 yr old, while his friends, who heard him say he wasn’t feeling well, watched him drown (all could swim and were right next to him while he drowned). I have seen people take falls and I always go right to them to assist them any way I can. What disgusts me is that most others just glance and than walk away, doing NOTHING. Too busy with their cell phones plastered to the side of their heads, or listening to their IPods…
I have a good memory of a scary situation that ended well and will always be grateful to a caring older woman. About ten years ago, I was visiting a sister who lived on the Coast. My son was 9 yrs old, but Epileptic. I encouraged him to play with his cousins, and sister. They all wanted to go down the street and play (in a group). Since they were all together, I figured they would be fine. My son asked to go, pleaded really, and I agreed, but told them all to make sure my son stayed with them (he was directionally challenged and wouldn’t be able to find his way back). This was a neighborhood where there were adults outside. They weren’t going very far… Not much time passed, and one of his cousins rushed through the door in a panic. She was crying telling me my son was gone and they couldn’t find him. I first was very upset when I found out he was left behind by them at one point as they hadn’t really wanted him to go along (he was the only boy). The problem was that when this cousin went back to find him, she couldn’t. The panic set in when they all looked and he had vanished. We called 911 and reported him missing (due to his Epilepsy, also). I left my sister by the phone, while I got in the car with my cell phone. I began driving up and down the streets calling for him. After about ten long minutes, the phone rang. He had been found, but he was scared and very shook up. The Police put out the report on their radio and the community was alerted. A sharp older gal at a Motel saw my son and a homeless man. This man was trying to take him, pulling him by the arm. The lady came running out, yelling at the guy to let him go, and took my sobbing son into the Motel. She immediately called the Police and I was notified where he was. I drove straight there, and there he was, still very shaken by the experience. He later told me that man said bad things to him and wanted to do bad things and was going to take him. The man very bad and crazy, my son said. I was initially very upset with the girls as they had left him. Later, I calmed down and realized this was just something most little girls do- dust off the boy so they can have fun girl time. None of them intended that he get lost and they did go back to find him. Their quick actions helped prevent any harm from coming to him. There was no delay informing me he was missing! My good memory was of a wonderful caring older woman who had the guts to take my son away from that man. Another woman had gone outside and was watching. They told me later that they were ready to gang up on that man together to get my son from him. I hugged them, thanking them for saving my son from being harmed. That was a good memory to have and I will always be grateful to those women!
Karen, your son is indeed blessed to have such an opportunity, and to be with teachers who will undoubtedly watch over and supervise him with others. They should be well equipped to address situations and make the trip a memorable one full of adventures. I hope he has a wonderful time & has a nice digital camera to bring!
Lori C: I am so sorry for all the terrible things you recount… I totally agree with you when you say one shouldn’t take unnecessary risks, and always to be aware that women and children are weaker and can’t possibly defend themselves from strong men (or bears, for that matter).
Now, it is absolutely appalling that modern society is so detached and unempathic as you have witnessed. But my question is, do you think that we could make a difference if we taught our children to play with others, instead of interacting with electronic equipment? Teach them street smarts, instead of holing them up at home every afternoon? Making them aware of how things can go wrong, and how to react when that happens?
I mean, you seem to have raised a wonderful man: brave, gallant, aware of dangers but unafraid of going out of his way to help others. I bet you didn’t wrap him up in bubble plastic, and make him feel useless by not letting him do anything on his own, lest he hurt himself. I really think I am aware of the circumstances that surround me, and I try to teach my children about them. I try to be prudent, but like you, I don’t hold my kids in a golden cage, but instead teach them prudence in turn. FRK are not reckless kids.
The dangers out there are real. I wish they weren’t but if you had a police officer in your family you would be horrified by the stories you hear (ones that don’t make the news). It’s nice to think the world is a happy, safe place everywhere, but unfortunately that is not the case. I am not an overly protective parent (I have friends who are), but I certainly don’t allow my kids to have total freedom. Many predators are opportunists. They may not be considering a crime, but seeing a child alone and vulnerable sometimes can be too tempting to pass up. I know people like to grab onto the movement thinking they were free as a child, but maybe they were just lucky. I had a ton of freedom (my parents worked full time) and we lived out in the country away from crime. But when home alone I had a man come to my house and try to get in through windows and doors (that were thankfully locked). I still cringe to think what would have happened if I had been playing outside that day like I usually was. Also my brother was almost abducted by a man driving past in a car but he was able to get away. Then as a teenager in another town entirely (suburban, safe neighborhood) a man pulled up next to me while I was walking and what he did in that car was unspeakable. He ended up following me until I found a safe place to go. Again, these circumstances don’t make me a paranoid, overprotective mother. But I am watchful and smart. I hate to think of what might happen to a child whose mother follows your advice and then ends up abducted or even just horribly frightened by a stranger up to no good.
Kelli, while I am sorry those things happened, they are still rare. (it does seem like some people just get bad things a lot, though, doesn’t it? So weird.)
however, when you say, “if you had a police officer in your family you would be horrified by the stories you hear (ones that don’t make the news).” I feel as though you are forgetting that the police AREN’T called to things that are going just fine. What about all those families in all those houses and homes all around wherever the cop has been called to? Are they all suffering from these same terrible things? No. The vast, vast majority are not needing to call the police, and we need to take that into consideration, as well.
I don’t feel like a magnet for bad things to happen to me. Anyone I ask seems to have one or two similar things happen and true it’s part of life, but certainly I would prefer to have not had those experiences. I loved having freedom home alone, but I also know how scared I was hiding under my bed as a child, wishing my parents were there to protect me. Nothing in the way I was raised would have changed the other circumstances from happening. My brother and I were clearly old enough to be walking on our own. But my point is that there are people out there without a moral compass that may try to frighten your kids. And of those three personal experiences only one had a police report actually filed. So how many things happen that the police don’t know about?
Kelli, those of us who have experienced it, seen it, and known children who were killed? For us, it is VERY real. But for others, who really had a lot of freedom and nothing ever happened to them that was any level of violence? They cannot understand. Because of statistics, there is more of an outlook, “It won’t happen to me.” I’d love to feel that way, but can’t. Chances are most will never experience that, but there are plenty of other risks out there to consider.
I hadn’t written about this before…
In Albany OR, in a nice peaceful “safe” neighborhood, we were living in a home w/a bedroom in the garage. Since there were six children in my family, a few of us slept in that bedroom. There was a window facing the backyard. We had bunk beds & would switch who got the top… This night, I had the bottom. I was asleep and was awakened by a scratching noise. I awoke to see a man looking in the window, trying to get it open. His face was one of the scariest I had ever seen, but the cold eyes I will never forget. Those eyes were emotionless. I began screaming for my father. Dad, who was the SON of a POLICE OFFICER, came running with his gun. He almost got the guy, too. What would have happened that night if I hadn’t awakened to the noise and alerted my father? I was 10 years old.
My husband’s oldest son is a Correctional Officer, just under 6’5″, and front/center riot patrol at a maximum security prison for the most violent offenders. One of my sisters was a 911 Dispatcher for Fire/Police for twenty years. My grandfather was a Police Officer.
There is a family who lives on the 5 acre property above ours. They don’t leave the house much. It took an entire year of smiling, greeting, and waving to get a response out of the aging couple, the teen, and the middle aged man who lived there. When I first met the teen, what I saw in his eyes worried me. I made it my goal to break through that wall. It took a while, but I did. I knew this family had suffered a great tragedy and were victims of violence (it can be seen in their eyes). I received a call from the lady one day, and she extended trust and friendship to me. During this conversation, she shared what had happened to them. Her only child, a daughter, in her early twenties, pregnant, with a 4 yr old son… Her “ex” was in prison for assaulting her. He was released without the family notified. While the parents were at work, the daughter was in the kitchen washing dishes while her son was nearby. This vicious animal (that is what they are) attacked her, and beat her to death, IN FRONT of her 4 yr old son. The mother of this beloved daughter, came home to find her beaten to death, with her little grandson hysterical. That little boy is now 15 years old, drove down to my house recently to give me his great news (he is working on achieving the grades and plans to go to college). He stops my car to talk to me, and loves to share news with me. We are the few neighbors they even speak to. The grandmother came down and toured my veggie garden with me, checked out the rabbits & chickens… They feel safe with us, but admitted to me they don’t feel safe even in their own home. The man who murdered their daughter is also the father to their grandson, in jail for the rest of his life. The other man living with them, now waves & smiles when I drive by. This didn’t happen in the home they are currently in, but in another nearby city.
Kelli, you are 100% correct in saying, “So how many things happen that the Police don’t know about.” Much goes on that is unreported (not just violence, but also accidents).
I write this with all due respect to both sides. The concept of raising “free range” children sounds so wonderful, but I don’t believe we should dismiss the dangers, that many were fortunate enough to not experience, but which are very real, and more common than we like to admit.
I was a “free range kid” long before we had websites. I grew up to become strong and successful in most areas of my life. We had a great time hanging out in groups as children- and from all appearances we were “safe”. It is easy to forget and become nostalgic about one’s childhood and to remember it as a bike-riding, train catching, firefly chasing, glorious and free time. Is the world so much different now than it was 30 years ago? In some ways, yes. Our kids know more about reporting abuse, abuse seems to be more visible and less accepted, and in general, we are making efforts to make society safer/more aware. But there are predators all around you. They were rampant 30 years ago, too! Personally, I was exposed to men flashing themselves (in public places at groups of little girls) 3 times by the age of 12. It came along with walking through a back field to school and playing cartwheels in the front yard. We didn’t talk to our parents about this, despite having just as open lines of communication with them as any children now do. MOST of my girlfriends had experienced rape or attempted rape before getting out of high school, and in fact very few of the adults in our community knew that 2 girls in my 6th grade class were already having sex. Drug use was rampant and most kids had tried cigarettes by 3rd grade, pot by 13, other drugs by 15.
Our community park with it’s beautiful creek was the site of all kinds of hush-hush activities involving sex, drugs, and sexual crimes.
Why did we not tell our parents? They would have had been more than upset and would have involved authorities. We would have lost our freedom and become more supervised children. Considering the varied relationships of children with their parents, and the fact that these things happened to a wide spectrum of us, I can’t say it was anything other than the lack of supervision that let us fall prey to people that injured many of us for life, mostly secretly.
There are other considerations like the several children who commited suicide starting in junior high school (one by hanging himself in his front yard over a teenage breakup) or overdosing on drugs. Or the number of times my very life was threatened by injuries resulting from accidents that would not have occured were I under the supervision of an adult. It’s nostalgic to think of getting stitches and building character from it, but in reality, would you want your child hit by a car? Or jumping onto a windowsill landing on the neck, without an adult available to administer first aid or call an ambulance? Or balancing on the railing of a bridge over coal trains so far below, thinking that they would cushion a fall? Sexually assaulted on the bus? I hate to say that these are very real and true scenarios that can happen to the most mature and honest child, if the parent has no idea what they are doing.
I’d hate to think any of these things could happen to a child who is mature and exercises judgment. But a child is incapable of making the decisions of an adult. That’s why we have to be around the corner to protect them.
The secrets that children keep to themselves to preserve their own “freedom” are astonishing. Sure, we can supervise our children closely and still have them hurt or injured, and there are many ways to reduce the chances of violence or injury. Most of the sad things that happen to children are in close proximity to their own homes.
I would love to see my daughter develop character through travel and experience. For example, a ten year old going to Europe with a trusted group of children and adults is something I could see her doing. That is great. We have to take things in context. Nobody wants to raise an overly sheltered, dependent adult. That would be ridiculous. And so would lack of supervision and assumptions that the child is capable of self-protecting to the extent that an adult can.
Being a free range parent can be done while exercising sensibility and availability in emergency. I think it’s great to see parents teaching children to self-monitor, make their own choices, etc. The majority of people understand this and would not take it to the extreme (either way).
Personally, I would rather be on the safe side. If my daughter were raped, murdered, or injured due to my lack of supervision, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. And let’s not kid ourselves that this is more likely to happen when a parent is not providing a life line (loose or tight). I would venture to say that 99% of the parents who care enough to write into this site are probably not the ones who have kids in very real danger because they do not have this life line.
What I am trying to say in short is, I’d never encourage anyone to assume their kids are safe. It makes me shudder to think of the 5 year old walking home alone and out of sight in an affluent Chicago suburb although Mom’s intentions are sound. It very well could be the same place and the same park, Mom, where I grew up. I am all for the concept, but what if she had not arrived home? Would you be able to get her back? Is there a safer way the same lesson could be taught (it is a very important one!).
1. It takes seconds for your child to become the victim of a predators or injury, even in the nicest place.
2. Even in the best parent/child relationship, the liklihood exists that your child may not tell you everything.
3. If your child is in a place where they cannot get help from an adult, they may not be able to protect themselves as an adult would.
4. Unsupervised kids (like the sad story of the twins) are in much more danger (and often the target of predators) than a child whose parents/a trusted adult can access them promptly.
5. We should do all we can to protect our children from harm rather than expose them to unecessary risks. Predators are not rare and injuries are common.
Cynthia, that was very well written and you made excellent points I agree with.
On #3- “If your child is in a place where they cannot get help from an adult…” The biggest problem is most adults won’t help, don’t want to get involved, are so fear-based they don’t stop abductions, some won’t call 911 (????). That has to do with any sort of violence. They don’t want to testify in Court either. Now, when it comes to accidents, usually most people will help in some way. When it comes to rape? The victim screams for help and hardly anyone will respond, sometimes no one. When violence occurs in front of a crowd of people, almost all will watch it happen, take pictures, and even video it. I don’t believe we can expect that an adult would come to the aid of a young child. It would be great if we could. I taught my children that if they needed to summon adults? Scream FIRE. As young adults, I asked them recently what they do if they need help quickly. I reminded my son, who smiled, and said, “That is right. You said that people will come running if they think there is a fire, but won’t come if there is a violent crime occurring out of fear for themselves.” Not a bad thing to remember. At the least your chances increase of someone calling 911 & maybe the rare person who cares enough to really help will come.
Lola, sorry I hadn’t responded. Thank you for the kind words, also. The way I had to raise my son would surprise you and possibly some others, considering how he grew up to be the man he is. For the first twelve years of his life, my son suffered from Epilepsy. This was a Left Partial Complex Seizure condition. To simplify that, it meant he had seizures in the Left Parietal Region of the brain. Since he had Petit Mal Seizures, and NOT Grand Mal Seizures, I had a choice – to medicate or not. I did the necessary research and decided not to medicate him. Either he would have suffered serious side effects or would have those Petit Mal Seizures. My decision meant that I had to be with him 24/7. This meant holding his hand everywhere we went together (he could fall at any moment, step out in front of a car, etc…). The seizures were less than a minute when they occurred… There were major coordination issues, learning disabilities, and he stuttered terribly. Since I was homeschooling his sister, who didn’t have Epilepsy, but had a gifted mind that needed a lot of challenges…? I elected to homeschool them both and take as much responsibility as necessary. After six months of speech therapy, with my son stuttering as badly as he had before the therapy, I decided to take a swing at that. So, I did some research on stuttering and began my son’s therapy. It took just over a month. Of course, that meant I also worked harder on teaching him to speak, enunciate, and pronounce his words. Each of my children were required to read aloud each day to me. I taught them to do that properly, in a more formal way. As adults, both are complimented for their speaking skills. We covered (12) subjects per day, 4 hours per day, and spent the rest of the day going to parks, outings, and all the adventures I got to have when I was a child. My son got to do everything other children did, while his mother was not far away (if he began having Seizures, I had to take him home). My daughter helped to keep an eye on her brother, too. I would sit at the park for hours, reading a book, and occupying myself so they could play with other children (normal interaction). At the age of 12, my son stopped having Seizures. He and his sister went to Public School then. Until he became an adult, I worked very hard to teach him to be independent while also never allowing him to be in harm’s way. Sure there were times he did what he chose. But that deal we made sure influenced him (offered him $1,000 at the age of 18 if he made it without breaking any major bones). He did and I paid him!
Since my son was raised in a more protective manner, you’d sure wonder how he became so independent & tough? I asked him two nights ago (he came for an overnight visit). He told me that it was by my example and everything I taught him more than anything he had experienced. I think both of my kids will hear these words long after I am going, “It isn’t me always being right, it is about you doing the right thing.” Before they each moved out, we had a conversation about the tool chest. I told them over their lifetime, I was more than their mother, the memory-maker, homeschool teacher, etc… (wore a lot of hats, LOL)… I took the job of stocking their tool chests very seriously. Before the move-out, I talked with each one of my children. I gave them each a verbal list of the tool chest contents and asked them if they knew how to use them. When we talk these days, with daughter 21, and son almost 20? On less and less frequent occasions, there are questions, “What would you do mother?” I then ask them back, “Hmmm, what do you THINK is the right thing to do?” Sometimes, we discuss the outcomes of making different decisions. I always affirm each is to always make the decision and take responsibility, but I don’t mind talking about anything. They each know I expect them to live their own lives, support them both in their decisions, and support their moves, aspirations, and dreams.
LoriC: About the “scream FIRE in case of emergency”, my dad taught me just that. Also to carry all my cash distributed among all my pockets, so if I got mugged, chances are I would still have something on me to get home. I will never forget his advice about never carry too much money or too little on me; “if they get too little, they will get angry and hit you. If they take too much, they know you’ll press charges and kill you”. You know, he took away a lot of the fun of going out at night, but that made sure I wouldn’t act recklessly. Mind you, he was the same guy who didn’t tell us what time to be home. He used to say that whatever we were up to at night, we could easily do at daytime, too. And still, he would be the one to wait for us awake, even if we got home at 4 am. My mum would be the one to wake us at 8. If we had a hangover, it was our business, but we were to help with the housechores all the same. I think she truly enjoyed playing military marches at top volume on a Sunday morning, taking revenge for the fear we made her go through…
I am a free range mom, I h ave a 6 years old and an 18 month old, last summer when the baby was first born, I would regularly send our son into the cul de sac to play with the other kids while I got the baby to sleep/changed a bidaper, etc.
there were always a group of kids ranging from 5-13 playing, riding bikes, or at the playground (about 5 houses away from us). I would wave at a mom standing outside, let her know I would be out in a sec and away my son would go. Then I would put the baby down for a nap, take my monitor with me, head out side, chat with the mom’s, head to the playground or just sit on a neighbours lawn and chat. I would occassionally look to see if I could see our sone, yup, I could and go back to chatting. by the way I live in a big city, 1million people. I always had him in my sights or he would check back with me periodically. Most of our neighbrous are this way and if we see a neighbour kid outside we keep an eye on him. We don’t freak out at the mom or dad, the kids are having fun. I have also let my son go to the washroom alone in a restaurant, while I waited outside the door.
I have left my then 6 month old daughter with some grandmothers when I had to run out to my car because I forgot my wallet. Also when our son took a stranger danger course through the city, they specifically told him that it’s okay to talk to strangers if your lost, look for mothers with kids. I had a very free range childhood, I grow up in the country, but as much as possible, I plan to give my children the same childhhood. We constantly talk about if he is approached by strangers what to say and do, if at the playground and someone asks him if he wants to see some Lego’s or Star Wars (he’s obsesses) what to do. I think you can keep them informed, educated and hope that your doing your best.
Love how the first disagreement called you a name. Typical liberal.
There are studies that tracked bicycle injuries post and pre bike helmet days. They actually went up with bike helmets.
Why?
They theorized that people generally, “ARE WILLING TO TAKE MORE RISKS IF THE FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES ARE REMOVED.”
ya think?
Just pick anything that the government subsidizes and see if such freeloading is encouraged or discouraged?
Our children are no different. If we don’t set serious limits with immediate consequences for our children they will grow up societal morons. We will have to shadow them where ever they go because they are too stupid to fend for themselves. Learned helplessness is what Liberalism is.
Dear BigMG,
1) Your post makes little sense. Please try again.
2) I’m a liberal, so please continue to work hard so I can sit here in my gov subsidized house and have my 9th child or whatever crap you think.
Have a nice day.
Lindsay
Go, Lindsay, exactly what I though of BigMG. S/he seems to be veering off into weirdo territory…
your crazyy. what would you do if your child had been killed….(etc) would you ever be able to live with yourself? i didnt think so. when something bad happens you will think differently than you do now.
give me a freaking break. Bad things happen all the time, whether you supervise your children or not. I feel bad for the kids who dont have the freedom I had as a youth. I grew up in a so so neighboorhood in Chicago, very urban, and the streets and buildings were my playground. Did my parents tell me to not do things, and warn me of the dangers in the world? Yeah, many times. Did I always listen? NO, and thats how we learn. Parents should inform their children, give them the tools, and then let them go and play outside on the block (or whatever radius you deem fitting) without mommy or daddy constantly watching them 24-7. We need to breed independent, young people who can think for themselves, and occasionally suffer a scrape and bruise, and learn from it.
If we all recounted every serious automobile collision we knew of – every one we were in, our friends or family were in, and that we heard about in the news – would that stop every sensible parent from driving their children in cars?
Of course not. Because we knowingly make the trade-off between convenience, freedom, and safety entailed in every single automobile trip.
Those who are against free range parenting should recognize that the rest of us are making a similar trade-off by letting our kids play or walk by themselves. We’re willing to expose our kids to a very small risk in order to give them all the benefits (health, self-confidence, freedom, and yes convenience) of an active, free-range childhood.
annonomys, very articulate. First of all, learn how to spell. It’s: anonymous.
I think it is time to step back and stop giving certain people attention for their rants – spelled correctly or mispelled. Responding to ignorant comments simply gives them feedback and they love when Free Rangers react. Thank you.
As the mother of two boys, ages 13 and 14, I have long wondered if we handicapped them with too much protection. People fall into the Grand Canyon because they don’t realize the danger; they have come to expect that everything will have guard rails anywhere one could fall. People expect all train crossings to have barriers and flashing lights, so they don’t know how to look both ways on their own. By packaging all danger with warning labels, we have created a generation of kids who cannot assess risk on their own. My kids don’t know how to find their own way because they have never been lost. My son is about to start driving and I realized he has no idea how to get around town! He has never left our neighborhood alone. I hope I still have time to let them learn on their own.
Cindy, give yourself a break and pat yourself on the back for being a caring mom doing the best you can to raise your sons. Your discussion about how we have packaged all dangers with warning signs shows that you are a discerning, thinking woman, so I am sure you have passed those attributes and many others, to your children. You start slowly with whatever feels right with them now, to give them more opportunities for independence. And for things you aren’t quite ready for, feel free to use the phrase I sometimes used with my children, which was: “I believe you are old enough and responsible enough to do xyz, but I’m not quite ready yet, but I will work on it.” They would give me the space, and before long, I would be ready too.
I think this is just a little too much. I agree children should be allowed to fall down and get back up on their own but I think allowing a 9 yr old to ride a subway in NEW YORK CITY is just asking to get your child snatched. NYC is by far NOT the safest city to be doing that in! When my daughter gets to 10 I MAY let her walk to the library in our town BUT it’s only maybe a mile away or the grocery store that is only maybe one block but I also live in a very small town where most things you have to worry about in getting a too friendly cat following all the way home. I think it depends on WHERE you live, how FAR you live away from where ever you child is going, your child’s ability to recognize and get out of a bad situation, your childs age and just how many PEDOPHILES are living in your town!
For those that say have faith in God. I have faith in God but isn’t that why he put us here-to watch over and take care of the children?
Also I would love to know how the parents of children who HAVE gotten hurt or taken feel towards this whole ‘movement’ because I am sure they don’t feel the same way.
ALL children need limits because they don’t know what real consequences are to things and they don’t know what the next move needs to be in a dangerous situation. Once you get into the teens is one thing, but some children 13 and under still are in Fairytale land!
I would rather my girls to be grounded and safe at maybe a little latter state in life than to have a cocky ‘self-reliant’ child at an earlier age. My daughters at 4 and 2 already have very independent personalities but I am not about to let them decide for themselves what is good for them until they are good and ready and I don’t think that is going to be before the age of 10! Americans I think are actually too independent and they don’t know how to let someone else take care of them and I think you need both skills.
It doesn’t mean you have to hover but I think everyone here is going to the opposite extreme. There is a happy medium. I think a lot of people are playing Russian roulette with their children and it isn’t right.
hahahahaha, Freaking EXCELLENT, raised our kids with only one rule, treat others as you would be treated, that’s it. All done.
Our kids are teens now, pure pleasure throughout. I’m still laughing that my personal Freak style of parenting should be depicted as a direction. Now how do I get this corny smile off my face?
I am a fan a free range parenting as well and karma. Talking to you kids is key. Knowing your neighborhood as well. We walk around and know almost everyone on our street and loop. I have 3 kids 7,5, and 2. The older ones can go for a walk by themselves on our street ( it dead ends) as long as they tell us. They can be outside in our yard anytime. I think the over exposure of crime in the news has everyone scared stiff. So many of the channels report opinions and not the news causing mass hysteria in our communities. We set clear boundaries for our kids as well as simple expectations on how our household is to be run. Everyone pitches in with work so that everyone can have fun and play. Sure, we have had a few stitches, skinned knees and near misses. So have I and my husband and everyone we know. So many people are placing their family in a bubble that they forget what the outside world is all about. People don’t know their neighbors, they don’t just go out and socialize, bring over homemade snacks or chit chat outside the mailbox anymore. The looks on some of the mom’s faces is priceless when I mentioned carpooling for basketball or cheerleading practice. Oh my, can I let my precious angel into another minivan with a mom who lets their kids eat soft cheeses, medium rare steaks, has dogs in the house and lets them watch PG 13 movies???? Oh the horror!!!!
Practicality is the name of the game – sure my kids do not speak mandarin or know the great artists of the Modern Movement – but, they know how to empty a dishwasher, cross the street, read a clock, dial a phone, do laundry, clean their own rooms, count money and be kids with loving, goofy parents who only want they to be happy, healthy and engaged in the world around them. Any negative experience is a case for learning and growing.
Aly and Rebecca, you both sound like responsible ‘rents to me. And re God: Yeah, She expects us to watch over our kids…
Way to go Anonymous! Great illustration of a fearful, out-of-touch person. Can’t put your name like just about everyone else here? Did you learn your well-thought-out, crass two-word answer from a video game?
Agree or not – what happened to civilly communicating like an adult vs lashing out with innane name calling? You’re probably a very nice person who developes a case of diarrhea of the mouth when safe behind the internet.
You NEED this book!
Ooops! Looks like this thing puts the newest responses at the bottom. Please consider switching. My message a minute ago was for the rude response at the top of the page.
OH my God, Yes!! Thank you for writing this book. The way we are pushed to raise our kids with fear, confinement and restrictions is at polar opposites of the true experience of being a child. Thank you for putting into words what my heart has been screaming since my beautiful daughters were born.
this seems to be right up your alley,
enjoy.
Wow. I don’t doubt that fear is the hardest thing to overcome when teaching your child independence. It’s hard for me to imagine what it will be like when my 9mo grows up and wants to do things on her own, but I also know that I am a smart, reasonable person who will, yes, think of all the risks, and then hopefully decide that risks that really just determined by chance are not really that risky (if chance were more reliable, I would have won the lottery by now!)
Also, this comment from another person posting made me cry! I certainly want to make sure my child lives a full life!:
*****
“This summer, at age 16, he will travel without us to Malaysian Borneo for a 10-day nature trek with an ecotourism company.
The world is open to him — its people, its natural wonders, its potential, and — yes — its dangers.
One of my niece’s friends was killed recently when her car ran off the road as she was driving to high school. The same thing could happen as easily to my son. Keeping him at home would not make him any safer, but it would deny him the opportunity to grown, to learn, to trust, to explore.”
I completely agree. I have two little kids and I think the best way for them to learn is to really experience things! How am I helping them become capable adults if I am always protecting them from life? I took a class by a woman named Vicki Hoefle (www.parentingontrack.com) and this is a huge part of her program. I will always try to keep them safe, that is my job, but not at the expense of them living their lives.
Bravo! Just finished reading the Time article. You couldn’t have said it any better “The way kids learn to be resourceful is by having to use their resources.”
It’s our job as parents to share knowledge with our children – not to hover and make every decision for them.
Kids need room and space to grow — but so don’t parents! I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve come across that make me wonder “do you have a life or an identity outside of being Bobby’s mommy?”
Thank goodness for the idea of getting back to sensible parenting! I have two girls, 7 and 8, and strive to give them the sense of independence I had as a child. I walked three long blocks to school every day and rode my bike like my butt was on fire until I was due to be home at dusk. My dad also allowed me to play with a hatchet, which I used to sharpen sticks for some inexplicable reason. I am now alive, well, and remain untraumatized by the myriad injuries I sustained along the way. I learned and came away from these experiences that much stronger.
Keeping my daughters safe is always on my mind, but doing so doesn’t mean shielding them from every potential learning experience.
W.A.T.C.H just released their list of the 10 most dangerous toys of 2009.
http://toysafety.org/worstToyList_index.shtml
My personal favorite hysterical comment:
“WATCH OUT! Batman’s mask includes two 1” ears made of pointed, rigid plastic. Toddlers may fall on these inflexible protrusions, with the potential for penetrating and blunt-force injuries.”
And everyone had the doggie you pull along on the string right? Not now, too dangerous!
Cheers and toast to you!!!
It is great to see real life examples of parenting children. So many parents are worried of imaginary dangers that they create themselves.
Why not just let children live and experience life. Its much more stress free.
Great work! Keep it up!
I know i’m not a parent so i probably shouldn’t be posting here but my parents are of the “helicopter” type as they call them.
I’m 25 years old as i’m posting this and i’m still not allowed to go to the front lawn without supervision. They won’t allow me to go to collage because they’re afraid some wacko will walk in there with a gun and go on a rampage. So the family business is my only career option which involves entering data on a computer at home.They refuse to teach me how to drive until i’m 30.
As a result i haven’t had a single friend since high school years ago. I spent all my time playing video games and watching TV because there’s nothing else to do.
I’m grateful for my parents, they are good people but still. Don’t let your children grow up the way i did.
FOR! i am a mother of 5 and a teacher! Kids come to school and they are afraid of bugs, dirt and germs. They know nothing of the outside world and we have a hard time teaching them about a life they have never experienced! I promise youu that my free range kids are the most independent, and determined kids I know! I am raising them to think for themselves and fend for themselves. Sometimes they get a few lumps but they are healthy and have experienced the world they live in!
Larry [unless this is some sick joke], you do realize, don’t you, that you can leave your parents’ home anytime? Your parents have effectively crippled you. They should be removed from the home by social services.
Nice to read something based in common sense. Read about you in Time and started to think about how I parent. We don’t let our children play out front of our home for fear some pedophile will be working on one of the many yard crews in our neighborhood and pick up one of our children. I realized, after reading the article, this was just one of my many unfounded “fears”. Thanks for the insight and keep up the good work!
I am absolutely FOR. However I do think that we as parents should know our own child. Some are ready for certain things at 9, for others it may be earlier or later. I have 2 kids, 11 and 7 and my little one is much more independent than my older one, even though I raise them both pretty free range.
There is another value to raising you kids independent and free range that I did not see much discussed here. Parents may not be there forever and things do happen and kids are left alone or with just one parent. I was 13 when my mother died and my father was a big child himself. I had to grow up real quick, real fast and learn to fully run my own and my father’s life. I was not raised as free range kid and the forced transition from kid to adult was pretty painful.
I try to teach my children about the world and how to navigate it, from small tasks like laundry to much larger ones like handling money and knowing the family business. I wish I can be there forever to guide them through anything and everything, but in reality, you never know when you may just end up being hit by the ‘bus’.
Good point, Ira. Never thought of that…
I am so glad I found your site. Saw you on the Early Show today. I am a teacher who has been increasingly concerned with the parenting trends of today. I know things are dangerous out there, but we have to teach appropriately about being wary of strangers, etc. What concerns me is that every bump at recess needs an ice pack, every invisible boo-boo needs a bandaid, and so many children are not held accountable for their actions. It is always someone else’s fault. I am the mother of male twins (adults now) who played outside and had their share of bumps and bruises. They learned to do their own laundry as soon as they could reach the knobs on the machines. Today, they are both married and happily chip in with laundry and cooking. I am worried about how this trend results in learned helplessness and how it is preventing the development of self efficacy. For some, it affects their academic performance because they want to be helped with everything including the reading of directions! When I meet a student who can’t tie his or her shoes by the end of first grade, I think, “Uh-oh” another one….
I love reading the free-range stories from before this movement was even given a name. Most of it just seems like common sense to me and it’s not like I’m a product of the “good ole days”, I was only born in 1983!
I was allowed to ride the BART train in the San Francisco Bay Area alone at 9. My mom was careful to give me instructions and I knew to meet my grandmother at the other end. I never felt threatened, frightened or scared. I felt strong, independent and capable. Now at 29, I have a law degree, a master’s degree and I am expecting my first child. I would never be the person I am today without my parents taking a few risks and trusting that they raised me well enough for me to follow instructions. My parents we’re/are amazing, and I would never change that aspect of my childhood for anything.
To those who question your advice- they aren’t confident enough in their parenting to properly teach their child to follow their instructions. Its too bad that people are so insecure in their own parenting that they’re criticizing others for having that ability!
I was unintentionally free range because the older sister who was supposed watch me for my working mom, didn’t. I didn’t suffer. I got fabulous grades, graduated college, and had way more freedom than my friends.
Hi Lenore,
You are a genius!!! I haven’t read all of these responses yet, nor have I completely looked around on your website, but I saw you on The Early Show this morning. I fondly remember my childhood: playing outside until the street lights came on (like you said), falling down and scraping my knee, roller skating without knee pads and all that stuff!!! We survived!!! I saw the knee pads for when you child starts crawling!!! RIDICULOUS!!! Duck to check your kids bathwater: USE YOUR HAND!!! That’s what I did!!!
I’m only 37 and my kids are 15 and 12. And you better believe that I will be showing them your website! I could go on and on – Keep on Truckin’ – you’re brilliant!! Don’t let the haters get you down!!! 🙂
Thanks for the breath of common sense! Of course there are extremes – activities that you’d not let your children engage in. Of course ! But children are not fragile light bulbs. They are kids and need to reach out, explore, and learn on their own at times. Thanks to overbearing parents, we’ve had several generations of irresponsible, lazy, but smart young adults who can’t do a thing without help from someone. They never got the chance to grow up, and that is a shame. Thanks.
Yesterday, my neighbor yelled at me when I told her that I intend to let my son walk to the bus stop by himself when he turns eight. She said that there must always be adults there in varying number to “keep people confused” and she is angry at me for what she considers my abdication of parental responsibility.. that she’ll have to pick up. I don’t know what “people” she is referring to. The bus stop is clearly visible from our garage (where I usually am in the morning). We live an a quiet neighborhood. My son is very mature and responsible. I work in criminal justice and she is a Dr. so which one of us knows more about the bad guys? ME!
It is time to end the paranoia, time to teach our children well and let them use what they learn from us.
Thank you for your supportive website.
If you are looking for a neighborhood where you and your child can have actual places to walk TO, go to walkscore.com. Neighborhoods are rated on their degree of walkability.
Some of my happiest memories as a child are of walking to school, the library, church, the store.
Also go the Robert Wood Johnson foundation website on how the architecture of neighborhoods contributes to obesity.
Marta, I love this site and the whole idea behind it. Great!
Awesome! I have been an anti-helicopter parents since my first of 2 was born… it’s so great to see that I am not crazy or negligent simply because I let my 3 & 5 year olds play on the park equipment while I sit on a bench and relax…. My mom passed on a lot but the 2 main things in parenting were:1) If you don’t let your kids make decisions while you are there, how do you expect them to make any when you are gone and it really counts? They learn from their mistakes, that still holds true today. 2) Your kids will do what you expect them to; if you expect them to succeed they won’t let you down, and if you expect them to fail they won’t let you down. Again, it’s great to see this ‘revolution’ occuring 🙂
i think your ideas are brillient lenore, and i think more parents should follow your example :-). we (as a nation) are bringin up children that will be unable to cope when they have to go into ‘the big wide world’ alone and don’t have their parents there to ‘wipe their bottoms for them’ lol. i think it’s also making children lazy having parents constantly there to do everythin for them and not letting them out.
I have always been in favor of this type of parenting and now that I am one I’ll strive to allow him as much freedom as I had. It may not be easy, but I think it is essential to raising an independant person who is curious about the world.
I was the oldest of five children. We chose the extracurricular activities we wanted to be in, and they all took place at our school, so we didn’t have to be driven anywhere. (My parents both taught in the school, so this was very handy. )
Other than that, our time was our own. We lived outside when the weather was nice and we played different imaginary games every day. On rainy days, we roller skated in the basement (also making up our own games) or played “boat” on our beds or made up crazy variety shows that we made our parents attend.
All of us were academically and creatively very successful, and have successful and interesting careers.
When I had children myself during the 80’s, at first I was very controlling. It was the time when “super-parenting” had come into vogue. I thought that only by being and doing everything for my children would they develop to their fullest potential. Then I became a single parent and had to work full time. My sons had to become independent very fast. While a single parent, I also lived in Europe for nine years, and there, the teachers told me I should let my children walk to school – even to preschool. At first I was terrified about this. But all the children did it. And on the way to or from school, my sons would do the things every kid should have the chance to do, like collect bugs and snails, stop and play ball or tag. They each participated in one extracurricular activity, and it was by choice. They took public transportation when they needed to get somewhere. Most of their time at home was spent playing with legos, drawing, or playing outside. I allowed them to mess up the living room by building “forts,” jump on the couch while watching “Mary Poppins” (they had memorized the dance steps on the show, and the couch served as a rooftop), and fill the play room upstairs in toilet paper. I remember a neighbor woman coming down very hard on me for my “lax” parenting. Her children taught mine obscenities.
I am now a college professor. Every semester I am confronted with students who are very immature for their ages, can’t make decisions, have no self-discipline, and have no sense of creativity. Often, these students have helicopter parents. My own sons, one of whom just graduated from college, and one who is a junior, are independent, responsible, polite, and on their way to fine careers. I never would have considered calling one of their professors, and they would have died of embarrassment if I had.
I used to feel very guilty about the fact that I could not and did not structure their time more. Now I know that this was better for them. Had I been watching like a hawk over everything they did, I don’t think they would be as responsible and creative as they are now.
I realize there is a balance. But as long as you care deeply about your children, and are providing them with a safe place to eat, sleep, and go to school, you are already doing a lot for them. They need room to grow.
I am so relieved to find this website! As a young teacher at a state university I was shocked when I started getting telephone calls from parents–parents!–contesting their adult childrens’ grades or wishing to set up meetings with me. The only thing more disturbing than their need to have such a degree of control over their kids’ lives was the fact that their children did not seem upset by their interference but rather seemed to believe that their parents’ expert testimony was surely enough to change an objective analysis of their performance. I vowed that when I had children I would do my best not to raise them in a state of such utter dependence.
I just had my first child 3 months ago and I have begun to understand the undeniable pull to keep him safe as possible and to try and ensure his future success. Nevertheless, I was jolted back to reality two months ago when a well-meaning fellow parent thrusted an armful of pamphlets advertising different child enrichment programs at me. “Japanese for Infants and Toddlers? You’re kidding, right? He’s only a month old!” I said. “Oh, no, If you want to him to have a good chance you’ve got to start everything now” she said with a straight face.
It was a tragic moment.
I want the best for my son, but I believe that he can’t have a fulfilling life if he expects to be *given* the best and always protected from the negative.
I love the idea of free range parenting…in moderation…just like helicopter parenting…in moderation. I feel like there needs to be a balance of both. Some situations call for more attention. Also take into consideration that kids are more likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol, and sex from the hours of 3-6pm because they aren’t with an adult. I feel that in some ways a lot of children are not only free range but also basically neglected by their parents, thus they get into trouble to get attention.
You have to be able to give them the freedom but also be there (physically and mentally) if and when they do need you.
I took a break from commenting on this blog even when there were times I was really itching to say something in response to some of the posts. I took the break to read your book, Lenore. I really enjoyed it . You packed a lot of wisdom between two covers. There just seemed to be so many posts a few weeks ago that were equating free range with neglect, so I wanted to be sure I understood the concept as you had coined it before responding anymore. I was pleased that I am totally on the same page regarding how you are using free range. I think some people who probably didn’t read your book are equating free range with the concept of raised in the wild with no supervision .
After reading the “helicopter parents” article in Time, I looked up your blog and website. I have to say your perspective is much needed, as too many moms (as evidenced by some of the comments on here) are becoming irrational, illogical victims of bad or non-existent “statistical evidence”. I wish we were all trained in not only math, but statistics. Sure the power of the story is great, but when 500,000 moms freak out over one or two moms’ stories, there is great reason to be concerned. I think the movement for free range children is a great one! Keep it up. Lord knows more kids need to bike and walk to school.
I am somewhere in between. I think that kids can be over sheltered, but I also think they need boundaries and guidance. My bottom line is that each situation is different, as is each kid. I think each scenario should be handled differently based on the child(ren) and factors involved; to apply the same rules to all could be asking for trouble.
Love your blog, btw!!
@Better Learning
That is what free range is about: considering each child’s individual abilities and allow certain freedoms and then building on those as the child grows/matures. It is not about letting them go wild.
I don’t even have the same rules for all 4 of my kids. My 8 and 9 year olds have the most freedom because they are older and more mature then their younger sisters. They are allowed to use the microwave without supervision (have been since each was 4 1/2-5 years old), they can come and go outside as they please. Their boundaries are from corner to corner on our block. The oldest is allowed to cross the street to play with the girl over there (if she asks first).
My 7yo daughter (only 13 months younger then the 8yo but has the maturity closer to a 5yo) isn’t allowed to touch the microwave. She can go outside if she asks first and has the same boundaries but I prefer she be out there with her siblings or other kids. She isn’t allowed to cross any street without someone (at least her siblings, like when the kids walk ahead of me to school).
My 3yo has the least freedom because, well, she’s 3. She can’t use the microwave or toaster…yet. She is only allowed outside if one of her older siblings goes with her and has to stay near them or in front of the house. If they aren’t around we have started letting her play on our big front porch but ONLY if all the windows in the living room are open. Obviously that’s a summertime rule and doesn’t happen any more. That’s her first step towards being allowed outside on her own.
They have been building up to the outside privilege since they were 4 and, like their 3yo sister, playing on the front porch while I sat in the living room with windows open. Each year they proved they could be trusted and earned a little more freedom. If they take advantage of the freedom or don’t follow the rules then it gets taken away. You ask my 8yo son what sucks more…no TV or not being allowed off the front porch because he went in the neighbor’s yard without permission (one of the rules). He hates being confined to the porch when all his friends are riding bikes up and down the street. They behave and are not running wild.
Here’s a memory for you. My parents and their friends used to take several trips skiing every winter with their families. All the kids had been in lessons from a young age (I started at 3). When I was 8 all the kids wanted to go night skiing, but the parents wanted to sit in their rooms drinking and talking. So they sent us out on our own. Five or six kids, none of us older than 9, at night, on a ski hill. And yes, we did ski the black diamond. One of the best memories of my young life: the freedom of a nearly empty, floodlit snow hill, and no parents in sight.
I don’t have kids yet, but I’ve been looking for people of like mind, who don’t want to wrap their children in proverbial bubble wrap, to exchange views with. I can tell you, I’ve gotten some weird looks from my friends when discussing how I hope to raise my kids in the future. This from people who don’t have kids of their own yet! One friend gave me a death stare when I said I hoped my kids have one or two teachers that don’t like them becuase then they’d learn that not everyone loves them like their parents do and sometimes they have to give 200% just to break even. She, by the way, never plans to have kids, so I don’t know why she’s so bothered.
Joe, what a great description of how free range parenting works. You really show in your descriptions how difficult and carefully thought out each activitiy is. My kids are grown and in looking back, it would have been easier as a parent to restrict their movements and watch them all the time, than all of the careful decisions I made to allow their independence. I remember sending my son at age 6, on an airplane from Long Beach to San Francisco by himself to visit his grandmother, having arranged and paid the extra for a flight attendant babysitter. Watching that plane take off with me on the ground and him on the plane was very difficult. Every story about a plane taking off and crashing went through my mind. He is 33 and still occasionally mentions how grown up that made him feel. He is leading a troop of 700 soldiers to Iraq in January, so I just have to hope that all of the independence he grew up with and his ability to think on his feet and take care of himself and others will help him stay alive. The hardest part of being a parent is that we can’t protect our children from everything, especially once they are grown.
Becky, great comment about the teachers. When my son was in 4th grade he had a terrible teacher. She was a year away from retirement and couldn’t care less, she was dull, boring and unreasonably strict. I found out that some of the parents of his classmates called the school and asked to have their kids transferred to a different class. My son asked me if I can do the same. I told him ‘No” and explained that there will be plenty of teachers like this in his lifetime and maybe a future boss or two. He needs to be able to deal with the situation and not run away from it. I don’t think that we need to “rescue” or kids from things that they will encounter all their lives. I am glad I didn’t interfere in this situation. It taught him a valuable lesson and this school year he was able to deal with a difficult teacher very successfully on his own.
Becky and Jen, you rock. My kinda moms. And that one or two teachers who don’t like them? So true!
I Feel bad for this girl!
I think you know where it’s at. Every kid in the world wants freedom and independence and what better way to give it to them then by letting them navigate the short distance home. i remember begging my parents to walk to and from school and getting the same “NO” every time. Yes there are criminals out there who just wait for a lonely kid. But they amount is going down good Samaritans are much more common. Keep doing what your doing.
I think that parents should build more trust with their kids by letting them go to places by them selves, and trusting them to get home. People always post the bad things that happen so that it seems like kids get abducted every day. But they don’t.
So i believe you are right, that you can trust your kids to walk home by them selves.
I am a student in middle school, and when I was nine years old I was never given that kind of freedom. I think that it was a very brave thing for you to do, trusting that he would come home to you at just 9 years old. We had to read the article “Why i let my nine-year-old ride the subway alone” yestereday, and many people in the class were complaining about ho he could have been abducted, and how New York had killers. I also pointed out to them that there are many friendly people in the city, and many people are very willing to help children. I most definitly am for you, I wish my parent’s would let me do that, but even now they wouldn’t let me do that. If I begged maybe, but it’s not worth it. Anyways, I think you did the right thing, I mean the kid really wanted to do it, so why not let him?
I am a middle school student and yesterday we talked about your article “Why i let my 9-year-old ride the subway alone” some of us thought that it was a bad idea and some of us did not. I don’t agree that you should send your kid out in the city alone because when i was 9 i played around a lot and when you are in the subway it is possible to fall down on the tracks and get swooshed by the train. i also agree because you should trust your kids they will come home safely so that’s what i think.
I’m glad my brother and I are not the only ones that think parents have gone too far! (we both have 2 daughters). Every time someone freaks out I have to explain to them, this is what makes them tough, this is how you weed out the weak ones. Every time I buy something it takes me a half hour to unwrap the toy and take the warning labels off of it so I can even see the toy, and some manufactures sew the label right into the fabric so I have this nice pretty pink chair with a big warning label on the front. It’s ridiculous, that idiots are allowed to reproduce. Which brings be back to my original point. If we keep propagating the weak and stupid this country is going to collapse in the very near future.
I’m very happy to have found this website. My kids are fairly young, 8, 4 and 16 months. I am amazed and disgusted at how weak some parents are making their kids. In some schools they have banned dodgeball and no one is allowed to fail. Are you kidding me? My sons both play tee ball and everyone gets a trophy. Why? I thought you had to EARN a tropy; you should mot get one for just showing up. I think a certificate of participation is enough. I’m all for safety within reason, but I agree with a lot you, some people are raising children who are not self sufficient and will never make it in the real world. I guess those of us who are little more balanced will watch as our children rule the world.
Parenting is important, but it needs to be done within reason. If you look at most thing in life balance is key.
Lavatory Lady – ah, dodgeball…the memories. As much as I’m a free ranger, I’m glad the schools have banned it. I was always the smallest, and all the balls would come flying at me (in fact, it was called Bombardment). It was not only not fun in the least, but there’s nothing educational about it: It teaches neither skills nor sportship. So for me your news was validating, after all these years.
I’m for free ranging but I still have a long way to go especially when it comes to letting my daughter go outside by herself. On that particular subject, I guess it all depends on where we are on whether I let her go outside by herself or not. She is only 5 years old and I think that she has a lot to learn still before I let her have total free range. We live in a crowded apartment building and I perfer escorting my daughter outside when she is playing here. On the other hand, when she is at my moms house or at my aunts house, both who live in a rural community, I feel a whole lot more comfortable, especially if she is outside playing with her cousins. I know that I have a long way to go but compared to some of her friends parents, I am pretty darn liberal. I had taken my daughter to the big park in town one day and we ended up running into one of her friends from school. Before they had met up, I would let my daughter run from one set of equipment to the other while I was reading a book. I would look up from my book every once in a while just to see that she hadn’t run off. The other mother would go from one piee of equipment to the other making sure her daughter was safe and she wouldn’t even let her daughter play on the monkey bars because she was afraid that she would fall down and break something. I knew for a fact that it was pretty hard to break something from that short fall because my daughter had fallen from them a million times before. I have many other stories similar to that one and they mostly concern this one parent. My daughter is pretty self-sufficiant and not afraid to do anything that a normal kid would do. Her friend on the other hand is extremely clingy and shy.
One more note. I think they should ban volleyball from PE at schools. I can’t tell you how many times I got hit in the face while playing. Just kidding about the banning part but definitley not kidding about getting hit in the face. OUCH!!!
I espoused the idea of not allowing my son to play with guns or watch violent cartoons.
Then one day “Gulf War I” broke out. Everybody was cheering like it was a high school football game!
That day I went out and bought my son a toy gun, began allowing him to ‘free range’ – to learn how to survive on the mean streets of our Mayberry-esque town.
I realized one day he might end up being sent into a war zone to serve his country against his will, as his father had.
I live in a town where I am the only stay at home mom, every one else has their children in day care or simply don’t even have children. My children go out to play, but there aren’t many children for them to play with, and the few that are home, the mothers don’t let them out at all being totally phobic about everything. I have to take them to parks at certain times for them to see other children. It’s frustrating.
…er…also, in our county in Florida, we have at least one registered sex offender for every square mile.
This is a good site, btw …I agree with the premise.
Amanda,
It sounds like you are doing exactly what a parent trying to raise a free range child might do. You are taking your child’s age, her individual maturity, etc., and reviewing each activity for the balance of supervision/assistance/boundaries that are needed. From your description your apartment building may not be a safe place for a 5 year old to roam alone, but allowing her to play on the playground equipment in site but not with you hovering is raising her free range. Free range does not mean letting your child run around all over alone out in the world without any parent supervising as soon as they can walk. That would be neglect. I hear the word range as indicating the limit of something. So I think of free range parenting as carefully setting the limits within which your child can explore the world on their own. At one point it was the pots and pans cupboard while I was in the kitchen. At two it was the fully enclosed small back yard that I could see all of from the kitchen window and the den sliding door that stayed open. And so on. At five I remember both of my children enjoying going into a little store like Williams of Sonoma to purchase a Christmas gift for me all by themselves, while I stood right at the entrance waiting for them. I mention the store because the staff at that store were so good with children, helping them and treating them like real customers, which they were. They felt very independent and grown up.
Amanda, you’re fine. My friend’s daughter fell from the monkey bars and broke her hand (I think she was about nine) and my friend was standing right there. My own daughter fell about half a meter from a low bar onto sand and broke her femur, the largest bone in our bodies, and I was right next to her.
it’s easy to talk but when your kid gets kidnapped and disappears on a free range ride, then come back and tell us what you think!
it’s good to raise an independant kid , to make our kids strong to make it through life on their own; but while “watching” them, and training them to be strong and fight for themselves. don’t start a fight but know how to finish it.
ride a bicycle home alone at night at 9 years old for e.g. and risk being snatched and killed by a psycho, when your kid isn’t ready to fight such ordeal, isn’t a smart thing to let happen, nor does it stand much in the way of his freedom. this is simply carelessness from the parents’ side
I do wish that those of you who are coming to this blog who are so critical of the concept of free range parenting would read Lenore’s book first. You might have a better understanding of what the concept means as it relates to parenting.
I love what Lenore has done by bringing this issue to the fore. I am the married father of 3 children. I live in a typical suburban community in CT and see the lunacy of helicopter parents and paranoid educators all the time. I grew up as one of 8 children in Long Island in the late 60’s and early 70’s and had a great childhood of exploration, walking to school, learning from my mistakes and becoming very resilient in the process. I think really that is what Lenore is telling us. By giving our kids some basic freedoms, we are making them stronger and more RESILIENT. Interestingly, I just read a fascinating book about global affairs titled The Age Of The Unthinkable. (author: Joshua Cooper Ramo) A major theme of the book is that we can make the world a better place not by focusing on being resistant to every threat facing us, which is essentially impossible, but by making ourselves and our nation more resilient so that we can bounce back quickly when the inevitable tragedy strikes. By keeping our kids in bubbles, I fear that they will not develop the capacity to recover quickly to setbacks, either physical or emotional. Lenore is exactly the type of individual that Ramo describes when he says we must constantly question the status quo and look for completely new ways to approach problems. I think they would get along great!
I heard you on NPR today and agree with many of your points. I have twin boys whom are 3 right now. I want them to have their own experiences throughout their childhood, not ones created in a sterile environment. One trick I have learned to get over the anxiety is to ask my self, “do I know anyone whom has been abducted, run over, disappeared, spontaneously combusted?’ The answer is no on all accounts which keeps a reality based perspective on situations. I am reading the book now too.
The best thing for any parent to do is ditch the TV or at least cable, it’s noise the only benefits those that have something to sell.
I am much more Free Range than most of my friends. Even so, after finishing the book tonight, especially the chapter titled “Listen to Your Kids”, I called my boys, ages 10 and 15, downstairs. I asked them to tell me something they think they are capable of doing, that they know or believe I would not let them do.
My 15yo’s response: “I can’t think if anything. I already have more freedom than any of my friends.”
My 10yo only had one answer: “Cross alone at the 4-way stop.” The corner in question is on a busy commuting route, and is only a block from the high school (lots of teen drivers). It prevents him from enjoying many other freedoms that I would otherwise allow him. I pointed out to him that his record of being attentive at crossings is severely tarnished, but promised we would work on it in the spring. In the meantime I’m going to “work” on the mom of a friend to loosen up so he has a buddy to explore with.
Keep up the good work, Lenore! The world needs more sane moms like you.
It makes me sad because I think some parents are misunderstanding your advice/blog/books. You’re not saying let kids go and do whatever they want but you’re advising parents to communicate and teach their children what is and is not acceptable behavior and boundaries. Example, the person who posted below about the boys falling through the ice. That is a tragedy but one that could have been prevented if the boys knew what thin-ice was, what could happen and what was safe/unsafe.
Blocking kids from the dangers of this world is not safe, but obsessing about them is equally unsafe. Teach them the true dangers, what to do in situations, and let them know what real mortal dangers are. (Crossing the street without looking, walking on thin ice, eating random mushrooms in the forest).
I think the idea of ‘free range’ parenting is noble, and well intentioned; also, I agree with the observation that had the Skenazy child been harmed in any way, the state would be parenting her child now — at best.
There is some truth to the idea that not all ‘communities’ are created equal in terms of safety for adults, let alone kids.
I think it’s up to each parent to find their own balance in the context of the communities they inhabit, and their own judgment.
I respect your ideas, but it does seem iffy to speculate with my child’s safety just to prove my stats, or make myself feel safer.
Best,
Matt Hoeft
My mom just sent me this:
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered
With bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes,
We had baseball caps
Not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
And then ride them down the hill,
Only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s,
No surround-sound or CD’s,
No cell phones,
No personal computers,
No Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies
Made from dirt, and
The worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn’t had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
Drusilla I love this!
I was born in 1955 and grew up in the wilds of Brooklyn, NY with my brothers. Generally, we went out and played all day in the summer and came home when the streetlights came on. We knew there were dangers — we weren’t so dumb that we needed all of them pointed out and labeled for us.
I broke my arm – twice – and suffered the usual childhood injuries. If our ball went into a sewer, we reached in and retrieved it. A quick wash of the ball (and maybe even our hands) under a garden hose was all it took to get back into play. We never got seriously ill and never came in contact with a flesh-eating bacteria.
Now we live in a world of wet naps, knee and elbow pads, and bicycle helmets, for Pete’s sake. Shrieking hysteria has replaced responsible parenting.
Thank you for this site and the movement you gave us. Tell your son to rock on.
Parenting is like everything else, we do the best we can with what we know. We make educated guesses and free-range is just that. We’re not in the 50s or 60s… anymore, things have changed since, in some places hysteria might not be so badly placed (e.g. gang land) and in others it might be over the top. The point is to assess how your environment and your skills at coping with it.
Stop judging folks and meddling with others business.
I am not yet a parent, so my opinion may not matter quite as much, but I agree with those that say there should be a happy medium. I also think it is up to each individual to parent their children as they see fit without being lambasted by either side or called extremists. I personally do not think I would allow my child (when I do have children) to ride a subway at age 9, nor would I feel comfortable allowing a small child to roam freely without my supervision. That choice is my business, and no one else’s, just as it is every parent’s decision to make choices that they feel are best for their child and their situation. It is up to each person to decide how they should parent, and it is a matter of personal preference and beliefs.
I do think that some people are short-sighted, however, to think that people are naturally good and that other people will watch out for their children. I would hope that would be the case, but I wouldn’t count on it. While it is nice to think that other adults have a child’s best interest at heart, many of them simply don’t care and don’t feel obligated to take care of or look out for someone else’s child. I feel that when I am a parent it will be my responsibility, and no one else’s, to parent my child.
I don’t think I’ll let my child wander around in a store at a very young age, and that isn’t just for their own protection. Store employees and management have a job to do that doesn’t include looking after small children. It is a nice idea and cute to think of a child shopping on his own for a gift for someone or exploring in a store, but an employee will inevitably need to offer extra assistance that they may not have the time or inclination to give. In that situation, I would feel as if I were using that store and those employees as a teaching or training moment, and I don’t think that’s necessarily fair to those who aren’t interested in helping my kids learn a life lesson about independence.
Andrea, you are right, all parents should. Thing is, though, we know our children – what they are capable of, what they aren’t, when they’re ready to stretch those wings just a little further. Wait until you have a child and learn their personality and abilities, and then, as you said, parent as you see fit for *that* child. I have three – and they all have very different gifts.
Andrea, your post was thoughtful. It raised an issue I hadn’t thought about: Using other adults to give your kid a teachable moment. You’re right: All is not Mayberry RFD.
For this reason, I caution parents not to use pets to teach their kids responsibility, i.e., let the dog go hungry or thirsty or unwalked just to show your kids the consequences. If you want to teach consequences, let your kid leave their skateboard out in the rain or their iPod on the bus. Inanimate objects = yes; live creatures = no.
You are right on–glad to see this site out there. I’m 57 and raised two free-range kids who are now responsible, independent adults–a direct result of the way they grew up. I do urge parents to teach their kids how to take care of themselves. Bicycling is a good example. I’m a bicycle commuter myself (and everyone thinks I’m crazy to be a “free-range woman”!). I see how stupid, careless and aggressive drivers are. It’s gotten worse in some ways because drivers aren’t used to seeing pedestrians or cyclists. So teach your kids to bicycle/walk–and otherwise handle themselves–defensively.
it all depends on where you live. If you’ve seen the horrors of the inner cities or heard of rapes and kidnappings that aren’t all that far away from you, you probably wouldn’t let an 8 year old walk a half mile to school by himself now, would you?
I am raising three boys. 4, 2 and 6 months. We moved into our house a year ago. We haven’t met any kids or neighbors yet. We kind of live in the woods. However, there is a cul-de-sac aross the street. There are 9 gigantic homes on that street. I’ve seen children there…playing in their respective garages and waving to the other children. I kid you not. The children take the bus to school. I haven’t actually seen them waiting at the bus stop. I’ve seen their parents’ SUV’s waiting at the bus stop. All four of them. Sun, rain, sleet, snow. All 4 vehicles are lined up, one behind the other, waiting for the bus. The street is about an 1/8 of a mile long. Meanwhile, this summer, my kids are naked, jumping around in a kiddie pool while I nurse the baby in the house – sitting in front of a window so I can see them…they are little after all. Before I put the pool out, last spring, I actually had the nerve to go use the bathroom…while the children were outside…alone. I hurried. And I felt slightly awful about it. Before we got a fence – a short picket, not a stockade – the boys were in the yard and I was putting away groceries in the house. I could see them from the kitchen window. They were not more than 30 feet from me at any given moment. Then, all of a sudden I heard a man talking. I ran out of the house with a jar of pasta sauce in one hand and a box of cereal in the other. It was a contractor I had e-mailed a few weeks ago…he thought he’d just drop by and have a looksee. It freaked me out some. We got a fence, but it only cuts off access to the road. The backyard is still “fenced” in by trees. The kids play out there. They don’t roam. I am comfortable now to use the bathroom without running out ,with my pants around my ankles, to make sure they are okay.
I recall a legend of the empire of Ghenghis Khan was that a five-year old could carry a sack of gold from one end of the kingdom to the other without fear of harm. I doubt any of us would desire that level of security if it came with that level of government authority.
Of course parents must assess the risks and decide what the limits should be. It is also helpful to involve your children in conducting these risk assessments (which is a career field itself for safety professionals). We are not raising children to be children, we are raising children to be adults. Talking to my 11 and 14 year old children about how they will one day assess risks for their children and my grandchildren helps them see the importance of “situational awareness” and makes them enthusiastic about the process. And when I see that they always sock their gun and never remove their faceshield, we let them play paintball !!
The better the risk assessment and personal protective equipment, the more hazardous the risk that can be tolerated. Better a scarred lover of life than an unblemished fearful survivor.
I think it’s all about balance and common sense. I totally agree with the whole philosophy of free range kids, but there has to be ‘boundaries’. There are a lot of variables – how old the child is and where you live being the two most important. Of course it wouldn’t be good parenting to let a 4 year old ride their bike around the streets – they don’t have the ability to use their senses accurately yet. But a 9 or 10 year old – no problem! That said, if you live in an area that isn’t highly populated and you don’t have a traffic issue, then perhaps with minimal supervision a 4 year old would be perfectly fine. It’s hard to pass judgement on others unless you are in their position. I have three children, 7, 5 and 2. I would let my 7 year old ride his bike down our road with minimal supervision (it’s a fairly busy road), but wouldn’t let my 5 year old do it. All three will happily play in the backyard completely unsupervisded though. I’m learning to ‘cut the cord’ a little more with my oldest when we are out and about and it gives him a great sense of importance, but is also teaching him responsibility. For his siblings, it is also showing them that responsible behaviour reaps rewards of freedom.
My childhood was completely free range! I think the major difference between then and now, comes down to one thing. The media. When we were children we didn’t hear about half the things we hear about these days. With 100’s of tv stations, mobile phones and the internet, the world’s problems can be seen in our homes 24 hours a day. This fear mongering has slowly eroded what faith we ever had in the human race and has caused us to be fearful in our own backyards. Truly a sad, sad thing.
Lenore:
I support this website and what you are doing. Our society has a big issue properly evaluating risk. Our media portrays the dangers to our children in our own communities far out of proportion to the real risk. We need a balance that allows children to explore the world on their own. On the flip side we continue to allow real dangers to the mental and physical health of our kids (consumerism, excessive television, fast food, lack of exercise, separation from nature, environmental pollution, and destruction of the planet) to continue.
If we don’t get kids outside and running around on this beatiful planet they will be less inclined to care for and protect it.
Thanks for your work.
I just finished your book, and loved it! I consider my kids to be free range kids, and luckily where I live it really is more the norm. I asked my 12 year old son last night if there were things he felt he should be able to do that I don’t allow him to do. The only thing he could think of is spend the night at a friend’s house on a school night. Sorry, pal, that’s not changing. What a great feeling that was for me though to know I’m giving my kids the freedom they deserve! I’m sure some people around town comment on my kids running all over, but no one has come right out and said anything.
I think the biggest thing I took from your book was to not worry as much. I do let my kids run, but still worried about predators. After reading, I thought to myself, “No child has ever been abducted by a stranger in my town. What are the chances mine would be the first?” It really put things in perspective for me. Thank you!!!
Now you need to write a book called ‘Free Range Adults.’ So many adults these days are worried about being abducted or given the date rape drug, etc. It’s sad when you see a car pulled over on the side of the road and are afraid to stop to offer help. My husband told me his dad got after him for NOT picking up a hitchhiker! His dad told him you should always keep a couple dollars in your glove box just in case you see a hitchhiker, so you can give him a ride and the couple bucks to help him out. You’d never hear of anyone doing that now. His dad said a hitchhiker is down on his luck and just needs a little help to get back on his feet. I’d never thought of it that way. My husband does still pick up hitchhikers, and he still keeps a few dollars in his glove box just in case.
While I would not let my child hop the subway independently, I consider myself much more free range than helicopter in my parenting style. However I live in an area where extreme parenting is the norm. My naturally anxious 11 year old is moderately terrified of life and it’s very sad. I work very hard at finding him opportunities to just play every day without direct supervision. That’s hard when his school will keep kids in at recess just because it’s below freezing. I’ve never heard of a kid freezing in 25 minutes outside when it’s 28 degrees out. Actually they might freeze because they’re not really allowed to run around much and all games are structured with rules. So they stand around way too much. Hmmm, might have something to do with the obesity problem we have. Little League parents and coaches can be monsters when it comes to their own children. And this is the first year that I’ve avoided joining the PTA because I have to stay away from all the achievement focused moms who are waiting to pick up their kids in the car after school so they don’t have to walk 4 blocks in the rain. They might melt. They might drown in a puddle. I’m all for helping children become the very best they can be and finding creative ways to support their efforts, but I don’t think that driving them to work harder to be smarter so that they can compete in a global economy is healthy.
I let my 4 year old daughter go to the bathroom at a restaurant by herself. We were about 3 tables away from the restroom. The restroom allowed only one person in at a time. I was able to watch everything – her walk to the bathroom, go in, come out, and return to the table. Our friend at the table could not believe we were letting her go by herself. I asked what could possibly happen, and she just responded that she was too young to go by herself. She takes great pride in her independence. And, I couldn’t see any risk. Why take that away from her?
I feel I was a victim of the helicopter parenting atmosphere, if only because as an obedient kid I bought into the paranoid atmosphere and decided to protect myself. And I grew up in a village where nobody locked their doors. The consequence was me lacking the confidence even to go and ride a bike in said village, and a larger psychological adaptation when going to bigger centres.
Some of the negative effects of this upbringing still remain, but thankfully I’ve outgrown most of them, in spite of my parents’ constant worries.
I can’t help but wonder what those against Lenore’s side of things think about adulthood and at what age they feel children suddenly become adults.
Here is a link to an article in a major New Zealand newspaper. What I find interesting compared to a lot of what is linked to on this website is the columnist’s conclusion – not that she should have done a better job, but that in fact accidents will happen and parents have to come to terms with that, and the equally supportive tone of the comments. Although there is some helicoptering here in NZ, maybe we are maintaining some balance! http://www.nzherald.co.nz/relationships/news/article.cfm?c_id=41&objectid=10606767
I just started reading the book and I can’t put it down… I don’t even have kids of my own! Thank you- this gives me so much hope for the future!!
Hello,
I was the step parent of a boy that was hyper parented. He had massive amounts of anxiety and to this day is afraid of most social situations. He’s 13 and has problems being alone. He had a baby monitor until he was 11. He had no concept of “going out to play.” When I suggested it, he looked at me like I was crazy. He has friends at school but won’t have sleep overs nor will he sleep at someone’s home. It’s incredibly sad to see such a young boy with no concept of freedom and fun. These are the care free years, his will be spent afraid that someone is going to kidnap him or hurt him in some way. I think it is selfish and lazy parenting and frankly I applaud you for your efforts. I hope you reach these types of parents as they truly don’t understand the damage they do. I liken it to abuse.
Wow, I am flabbergasted -I clicked on a link from the NYtimes to read some parenting blogs and yours had won most controversial. Well, a little curious, I took a closer look.
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I’ve been an ex-pat for a few years now, and just starting my family now, but it amazes me that this is so controversial -I mean I knew it was a bit of an issue in the states – every time I go home I wonder ‘Where have all the kids gone?’ but this is crazy.
Here in Sweden, free range seems to be the norm, and the playgrounds are full of very young children often unsupervised. At the park, playground or on the bus.
It saddens me that giving your child independence is seen as bad parenting by so many.
We would like to return to the US someday with our family – but there are many things that keep us here, including this strange perspective. And here I was marveling over why kids chose to live at home until they are 25.
I came across your blog a while back and have kept it’s message in the back of my mind.
I’m not sure to what level we “free-range”. Cheyenne (8) participates in a charter school where 80% of the school-week is at home. The charter school is physically located over 20 miles away so letting her walk or ride her bike to school is no option. We live in the country and she roams the backyard and surrounding orchards as she pleases. There is a neighbor kid or two nearby and she does go to visit them also.
For the last four years we’ve been working to produce a kids adventure show. As a result Cheyenne has traveled to Alaska twice, spent ten days in Costa Rica and we just returned home from backpacking South Africa.
While in Costa Rica we did an ATV tour that took us into the rain-forests. Time got away from us and we found ourselves returning to town after dark. It was as Cheyenne (then 7) and her guide were riding their ATV through downtown Jaco Costa Rica at night that I thought of you and began to wonder which is the free country.
On the recent trip to South Africa (22 days) we stayed at several “backpackers” (youth hostels). My style is to provide her freedom with security which means I watch from a far distance. On one morning she swung in a hammock talking to a fellow from Israel, had her hair braided by a girl from Germany and shot pool with three girls from Denmark….all before breakfast.
While on safari she rode on the front-bumper seat of the truck and as a result was about four inches away from a white Rhino. She only had to come inside the truck when we were near lions.
She surfed, explored caves, hiked, rode horses and danced to African drums around a fire.
I don’t know if that’s free-range by definition. Some folks thought I was crazy for taking my daughter backpacking across South Africa. Maybe I should join the ranks and become one of those less risky parents who lets the kids sit on the couch playing video games, feeds them fast food and pumps them full of Ritalin.
Keep up the good work,
My name is Laura and I am 15. We live in Scotland, in Edinburgh where most of my friends are fairly ‘free range.’ some more than others however. I am definitely one of the most limited in what i can do on my own BUT even though i know my parents actually have a very good reason why i can’t be as independant as my friends it still bugs me!
I have an extremely dangerous nut allergy – even being in the same room as one can cause a serious reaction – maybe even kill me. This means that on things like school trips, especially overnight ones my mum has to come with me.
Last school trip though was to a place called Benmore for a week of outdoor activities when i was 14 (you know gorge walking, abseiling, canoeing, climbing ect…) and of course Mum was all set to sign an extra form for her when i said, “actually I think i can go on my own this time!” because all of my friends and teachers knew aout my allergy, they knew that their must be absolutely no nuts and they all knew how to use my epi-pen if i did have a reaction. It did take a while to persuade Mum – she is quite overprotective anyway but eventually I went on my own. 🙂 🙂
Because of my very ‘helicopter’ parents i don’t know how to do a lot of the things my friends do. I would probably panic if i got stuck in town by myself, i didn’t know how to ride a bus until last year, i can’t read maps and faced with alot of fairly dangerous situations – i think i would panic.
My parents ARE overprotective anyway but i think they just use my allergy to take it to an extreme. It’s scary thinking that in just a year I could be leaving home and school (not that i’m planning to!) and be completely lost in that big world that i actually don’t know very much about.
Hovering over your children doesn’t help anything because one day they will have to face the world on their own and chances are they won’t make a very good job of it. If you don’t prepare kids when their younger it’ll soon be too late.
Bryan, your last sentence says it all. You rock.
Laura,
I disagree that your condition means your parents have more reason to be helicopter parents. Your condition means they need to be even more free range.
I have a similar allergy, my parents made sure from the time I could speak clearly that I could give a complete medical history. I was reading labels with adult back up in kinder. I knew how to ask about peanut products in food and tell if someone was lying by the time I was in upper elementary school.
In HS I took two trips overseas with my HS (Greece one year, England/Scotland the other). I also went on ski trips. On one of the trips I had to deal with a fruit cake that though allergies were in your mind and kept trying to feed me peanuts, until she was threatened with arrest.
The 1st semester I was in University, I was exposed through someone else’s carelessness. I had to make the ER trip with university friends rather my parents. I gave the triag nurse my info and handled everything myself. If my parents hadn’t taught me what to do, I would have been crippled.
I recently discovered the Free-Range Kids concept, and I’m admittedly intrigued by it. I am inherently against the unnecessary interventions (like over-cleaning so our children don’t have contact with any germs and vaccines). But I am also a psychologist and a fan of Attachment Parenting, and I saw an article on your page that talks about the dangers of therapy and whatnot, and that puts me on edge. I think it’s much more grey area than saying children should be free to do as they please (within certain limits even) and should be taught to depend on themselves. I am a mother of three children, ranging in age from 4 months old to 4 years old, and my instinct is to treat my babies like just so – babies. Once they are old enough, we introduce their freedoms slowly and based on their varying personality differences and maturity levels. But I think it’s best to go with a happy medium. One doesn’t need to neglect communication, affection, and nurturing to support independence and freedom. Where one child might prefer more independence, another child might prefer a parent to intervene more often. I feel that neither is wrong, but it’s not black and white. Maybe I will Free-Range parent my middle, more independent child, and be more of an Attachment Parent to my oldest and youngest, who are much needier.
Kaitlin, Actually, your statement regarding introducing freedom (and I would add, responsibility) based on personality and maturity fairly well describes free range parenting. Free range parenting is not just letting kids roam at will or parenting that neglects communication, affection or nurturing.
And for all of you out there buying free range chickens or eggs of free range chickens, these chickens live in a fenced area, with good grazing ground, plenty of water, and keepers keeping close tabs on them. They aren’t just out on the range roaming free for miles so that the farmer has to hunt for them when it is time to go to market. They just aren’t kept in small cages with little room to move.
I’m with you, Helynna. Free Range and Attachment are not mutually exclusive. When I picture attachment parenting, I picture a parent with her kid at her side while she builds a birdhouse, teaching the kid to use the tools under supervision. If anything, is the opposite would be driving over to the nearest Big Box and purchasing a ready-made birdhouse that comes with a booklet of instructions and warnings the size of a telephone directory, parking your kids in front of the TV with a box of chemically enhanced snacks while you assemble it, then pointing it out to them during a commercial break from inside the house.
I am Free Range quite possibly because I’m way too TIRED to be more. Caffeine has only so much power. How do I deal with my non-Free Range counterparts? I say ‘uh-huh, hu-huh’ and then hang up the phone and call my sisters in Free Range motherhood. There is no satisfying the close-range moms. Their kids and FR moms are always in their annoying, paranoid crosshairs.
I wasn’t really sure where to leave this so that it would be seen. After reading your book I have been using more and more Free-Range practices. I have recently written a blog post about my experiences. I wanted to share those experiences with you and your readers.
http://jrmiss86.com/2009/12/30/free-range-update/
Heather, visited it your blog and left a comment. Go, Mom!
God yes!! I’m soon 18 and I know how its like to grow up without being able or allowed to figure out anything on your own and having parents who think that they having control over you is the right thing until you are 18, but trust me, its not. If you hold your children to tight they want to slip away even more, they want to find out the dangerous things, alcohol, sex, breaking rules because they are so damn bored and feel so left out!
Let the kids fall down, put their hand on the warm oven, at least they know not to do it again! We learn and they live and they will be better children after it. Let them have some freedome and do things their own ways!
Let us feel how it is to have a hangover bigger than Uranus, and how we are punished for our own misstakes, if not, we will Never learn and you do take away something very important in our childhood and youth!
I agree with this way of parenting. I can attest that I roll my eyes when a person gives me a dirty look for letting my two year old walk 3 feet ahead of me in store rather than put him on a leash I suppose. My father-in-law gasps every time my son climbs onto anything over a foot off the ground. I’m all about letting my child explore and giving him the freedom to do so. There is a catch, though. You should really stress the importance of common sense parenting, too, as kids do not know (until a certain age) how dangerous some things can be. They do need limits and you do need to put their safety first. I hate to hear that a two year old child has drowned because he was outside alone. I hate to hear that a nine year old was murdered because she was walking home from a friend’s house alone. Freedom is okay but let’s not downplay the importance of safety and common sense also. It is our job as parents to allow our children to grow up to be adults first and foremost. Not all accidents are preventable but a vast majority are and advocating this kind of parenting approach should really come with a disclaimer because not all people will use this advice the responsible way.
Marlene, it sounds like you’ve not read the book yet. 🙂 Lenore absolutely supports safety and common sense with regards to location and age and situation. It’s the idea that we have to bubblewrap and protect them from EVERY experience that’s at issue here, and letting them learn a lot of things on their own.
Love the book! Sooooo right on. This culture is way too paranoid. I found myself leaning in that direction too. It’s time to regain our childhood freedoms and pass them on to our children. That will calm society via proliferation.
Ther was one thing I do wish to address: While the advice and quotes fro Dr. Barrett were well noted and appropriate. do check your resources. “Credentials” themselves don’t always give a clear indicator that are reliable either.
http://www.quackpotwatch.org/quackpots/quackpots/barrett.htm
http://www.canlyme.com/quackwatch.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Barrett#Controversy
http://www.raysahelian.com/quackwatch.html
While many of his comments and issues he address are worth investigating, ‘Dr.’ Barrett has done as much harm (Remember; “Physician do NO harm”?) as he has been well-intentioned.
Hooray! I get so tired of the “bad mommy” stares from those parents who don’t allow their kids to do their own homework, make thier own lunches, take care of their own things, sew their own buttons on, etc. Then they wonder why their kids move back home after college, or never leave! I’m very proud of my independent children who are able to make good decisions on their own (& still respect their elders).
I just read the note from Stephanie about the kids not being allowed to go outside when it’s “too cold”…I think it’s because the teachers don’t have time to dress 20-30 kids who should be able to dress themselves. If parents would require their kids to go to school with the appropriate clothing for recess outside and teach them to don it themselves or with minimal help, then this would not be an issue.
Dress them up & send them out to play!
P.S. We live in Michigan, and it’s been in the teens this week!
Hi!
(btw, I am a BIG FAN of yours from Funny Times and read about this incident last year. You motivated me to do a lot of “fantasy writing” — that’s where I think about what I’d be writing if I had a few extra minutes to sit down and do it. Being a mom, you may be asking, “what’s a few extra minutes?”)
I’m a hybrid — part Free-Range and part helicopter. I hear myself saying, “be careful!” way more than I’d like, but I am all for learning and growing, and real life means we don’t get a controlled environment. We live in northern Germany. Taking the bus, train and subway is COMPLETELY NORMAL here. Everybody uses public transit. We don’t have “school buses,” unless they charter one for a class trip. Of course, the population here is also not packing heat, unless you count those nifty little pocket warmers…
Still, street smart starts with confidence and opportunity. Like some of the others above, I’ve experienced crime first-hand but I feel I’ve been lucky anyways. So much of life is about being in the right place, but so much is beyond control. That’s why teaching our kids to pay attention and how to navigate safely in the world is one of the best gifts we can give them.
I really appreciate your putting up this site and creating more awareness for us all in our parenting! My oldest is seventeen and she craved opportunities to run free. Our littlest is four and benefiting from the inroads made by her big sister.
I heard you on the radio national this morning in Australia and I so agree with what you did. I don’t think it is alarming at all in fact is it so refreshing. There is a similar mentality in Australia as there is in America. You are raising your son to learn how to be an independent and responsible member of our society. Well done! I have three children (10 years, 9 years and 6 years). After school and in school holidays, they ride their bikes around our estate. We live on acerage close to the Gold Coast. I also let them go to the shops on their bikes. The challenge that we have is finding parents that raise their children like us as most people in our estate have their children locked up in the house with the latest and gatest toys and they children only play in the backyard. The other challenge I find is finding parents that actually say no to their children.
Hail Queen Lenore! Thanks for accidently leading the movement for parents to lighten up. It’s about time someone with some sense set an example.
What happened to cause all these parents to freak out and overprotect? Is it guilt that both parents work or a vow that parents today would not be as strict as their parents were on them? Whatever it is, our nation is raising a bunch of softies that except a level of entitlement. Everyone on the team gets a trophy whether they suck or not? How does that teach accountability and self respect?
There are whole surveys conducted for major corporations on to prepare themselves to pamper the next generation of spoiled employees – as well as how marketers need to adjust their pitch to appeal to those who have already been over indulged.
A little tough love (and trust) didn’t hurt our generation. Keep up the great work in spreading the word!
I love your website. I feel like I’ve been slapped with a good dose of common sense. While I am a strong, intelligent person I have been a victim of the fear-mongering in the media and within parenting circles. I am made to feel constantly inadequate because all the experts encourage us to wrap our children in cotton wool or else they might perish. My daughter is one year old and your website will be the life line I will read in order to keep getting that wake up slap so I raise my child to be strong, independent and resilient, qualities that I have because of the freedom I experienced in my childhood to make my own mistakes and take responsibility for myself.
I too, love your site. We have been a Free Range family from the birth of our oldest child. They have never stepped foot in a day care, I quit my corporate job and became a SAHM, and we have been home schooling them from birth. I must admit, we are treated like outcasts from our ‘public school kids’ parents, and it’s taken a long time but our own parents are finally on board with our home schooling. Our kids are constantly complimented on their maturity, manners, and intelligence often. Now we are looking into moving out of the city, and buying a farm so the kids can really be range free. We removed our TV from our house 5 years ago and life has been so much easier without all the influences and opinions creeping in to our lives telling us how we should live. I guess you could call us ‘City Amish’ Once you decide to step outside the norm, I think people either become threatened, or just think your crazy. All I can say is raising kids has never been so stress free and so much fun.
LoriLynn, you rock. I too would’ve had a TV-free home if it were up to me, but my husband vetoed. However, we fortunately both agreed that the living room / family room / wherever the fam gathers and you host others is NOT where the TV should be. It’s in our bedroom, where it does get watched, but far less than if it were THERE in the center of activity. We also have far more control over it. Once a TV isn’t there staring you in the face and beckoning, it just doesn’t get turned on nearly as much. I urge everyone to consider this option.
Yam Erez: the biggest anti-TV activist lives in my house. She is only 20 months old, and whenever she sees the TV on, she just switches it off. It drives her siblings crazy, but I don’t intervene when they complain, so she manages to bring them back to reality and makes them play real games better than I could ever do.
Dear Ms-
I just recently hear about your “situation”, philosophy & website. I guess my wife and I were “free-range” parents way before the concept was named. We fought against the over involvement of adults in our kids’ lives I used to say “can’t kids do stuff by themselves, any more?” or “isn’t this a kid activity?”
It was very difficult having a “free range” philosophy in Orange County, Ca (birthplace ot the ‘helicopter mom ?”)
Success is the best measure. My sons (now 25 & 30) both graduated from top universities (in record time) and are now self-sufficient.
To fearful parents wanting to bubble wrap & control every aspect of your kids’ lives…..what will you do when they go to college?
A parent’s role is to guide & teach ….. and the faster they learn, the sooner they’ll be “safe”. Safety comes from competence.
Helicopter parents might not have to worry about that. Many overprotected kids fail to get into “real” colleges and wind up going to glorified, expensive, out-of-state “boarding schools”.
Good luck & lighten up.
I was certainly a free range kid — and want to put in 2 cents. Parents here have commented that they get dirty looks or nasty comments from more protective parents for letting there kids do things that might seem dangerous, and I wanted to mention that the free range kids can notice this too — particularly girls. NOT a reason to capitulate to the crazies, just something to be aware of. My father mentioned the other day that it wasnt until I was in my late teens that he realized that HIS actions and decisions could affect my popularity/ status among my peers, but it does. This all took place in a pretty “free” neighborhood and community — lots of flashlight tag and we walked to middle school (about a mile away).
My daughter is only 2 1/2 so of course, she won’t be walking anywhere by herself for a few years. BUT I’m a firm believer in fostering independence and self-reliance in our children. We have, in some small ways, started to foster these traits in our daughter. I don’t “schedule” her playtime, she’s allowed to play with whatever she wants (within safe parameters, of course, she only tried to juggle the knives once before I told her no) I try to get her learning toys of course and spend some time with her teaching, but for the most part, she’s on her own when it comes to play-time. And when she is upset over something she can’t have/ do and starts having a tantrum, I’ll tell her I know you’re upset that you can’t jump off the roof but life’s not fair and you don’t get to have everything you want. Or something to that effect. I refuse to shelter her to the point where she is not allowed to be upset/disappointed. I’m a firm believer that children should learn early and often that life’s not fair, get over it, nobody is going to give you what you want, you need to earn/ work for it! There are some ways that I may be a little more protective because my daughter has only one fully functioning kidney. Because of that, she will not be allowed to participate in contact sports because we don’t want to take a chance with that one kidney, BUT if she really, really, REALLY wants to try out for something, I will let her. I would just be sure to let the coach or instructor know that she would need to be restricted from the rougher play. After all, I’m not raising my kid in a bubble!
PS
I was kidding about the knife-juggling and jumping off the roof, she has never done anything like that, although she does love to jump off the furniture. *SIGH*
At 21, I STILL hate talking to strangers, but that didn’t keep me from, at 7, getting into a car with one. “Don’t talk to strangers” is a terrible thing to say to kids. I listened – but I missed the important part. (It turned out the “stranger” was the daughter of a neighbor, and everything turned out fine)
That said, my parents dropped me off at the barn for anywhere between 2 and 10 hours, daily, growing up. The only major rule I remember was not to ride alone. We did almost everything stupid and dangerous we could think of – but we knew it was stupid and dangerous, and we survived. It’s got to be a SCARY way to raise a kid – to know that they’re perfectly capable of getting themselves killed – but it raises kids who are also perfectly aware that they aren’t entirely immortal.
I was mostly a free-range kid, but I liked to push boundaries. When I was old enough to know what outlet protectors were and why they were there, I took off the protector and purposefully shocked myself to “find out what it was like.” I don’t think being more protected would have kept me from doing much of anything… but I would have been less aware of the dangers.
Brandy, My 57 year old sister only has one kidney. When we were kids, dodgeball was pretty popular and she was pretty grumpy about not being able to play. She did play lacrosse in high school. She has had no problem having only one kidney. The funny thing is that the sister born two years after her had three kidneys. It was a family joke – Mom made sure the next sister got the kidney missed by the elder one.
Casey, would you mind specifying to what your dad was referring?
Brandy, when your daughter does start climbing onto rooftops, and wants to look out over the edge, teach her to lie on her tummy. It’s pretty hard to fall from this position.
I totally agree with free range. When my grandkids were here this Christmas and playing video games I made them go outside and “play.” At first it was a bit slow but by the 3rd day they had caught on and were having fun.
Their mom was worried I wasn’t watching them (she was shopping). I told her, “I never watched you either.”
Jeeze–I was riding the subway back from my orthodontist to school in the Bronx in 3rd grade and taking 2 public buses to school from 4th grade on. Raised kids in working class surburbia where they needed a lift often but let them expore when they could and wanted to. Now one is in and one graduated from college–both with a cool sense of self reliance and exploration. Amazed when I heard of helicoptor parents….for college students.
Keith, what climate zone do you live in? In other words, were your grandkids cold? Just wondering…
I am so thankful to have found a place where there are other like-minded parents! I’m so tired of feeling like I’m being judged for letting my kid go outside alone or – heaven forbid! – knocking on another kid’s door to see if they can play! I’m not one for labels but am so for the concept!
– One mom that’s tired of being prisoner to the “play date. ” JUST SAY NO TO PLAY DATES! Let the kids out !!
Great to see this , I grew up completely free range. Walked or rode to school every day and would spend the whole day on weekends playing up the bush from the age of seven up. My wife is more protective in parenting but we still have the only kids that regularly ride their bicycles on the street. I fully belive that if you expose your children to potentially dangerous situations in managable steps they gain a better understanding of how to avoid and deal with difficult situations. Jumping off the couch at two teaches them how to hit the ground when they fall out of the tree at six.
Play dates: God was I glad when I didn’t have to do those anymore. As another poster said, I hated the forced adult socializing. Not only that, I found that having another kid over was easier for me, i.e., my own kid was busy, engaged, and less demanding. When I’m home from work, I just want to put my feet up and drink a cup of coffee, not entertain other parents.
re spanking, while I’m opposed, I really think we have to define our terms here. Are we talking about turning a kid over my knee, pulling down her pants, and smacking her bare bottom? That’s humiliating and abusive. I don’t think this forum even has to discuss the taking a kid out to the woodshed and whipping her with a belt. In fact, why does a kid’s tush even need to be involved? How about just grabbing Kid by the wrist and restraining? Or if she won’t listen, grabbing both wrists, kneeling down, looking kid square in the eye, and saying, “We don’t X. It’s unsafe” [I’ve found “dangerous” to be overused]. As for the incessant biter, my mom used the method another poster described on my brother. It worked.
This is an interesting blog….and I will be attending your speech at Kensington Hilltop school this thursday. I have been struggling with this throughout my parenting experience….my only child is six, I gave birth to him later in life (at age 42).
I know I’ve been a very protective mom…..While I could handle loosing my house and all physical assets and be very strong…..I could not handle loosing my little boy. A far greater loss. People stress the small stuff in life too much…..such as the value of their home, how much money is in the bank….Not that these things are not important, but they are in fact far far far less critical than the safety and well being of our children. The most neurotic folks are fearing wrinkles so much they undergo injections of neurtotoxins to paralyze their musclies….botox, now that is real paranoia to point of unhealthy.
But you have some really valid points…overall I think too many kids are spending so much time in their homes with Wii and other electronics rather than going out and getting in touch with nature. I have not succumbed to the Wii (I consider all those video games a bit too much) and let my son roam outside a lot to pick flowers, catch frogs by the creek, and he is one of the kids that is allowed to climb up the hill beyond my site at the parks. He climbs very high onto rocks, rides his scooter and bike down steep hills, has been skiing since he was two (all with helmet)., and has had sleep-overs since he was three So on one end of coin, I can “let go”.
But then I pull in the reins, and worrry, God do I worry about pesticides, world peace, molestation, how this teacher affects him, budget cuts in schools, chemicals in products…the list goes on.
And I personally could NEVER let him ride home along via subway at age 9!
Your talk at Kensington will be interesting…..I don’t know if I will agree on everythng, but certainly there are areas I could learn from you on where to let go. I want my son to be an independent human being, but at same time I want him safe. Oh, the anguish of a parent!
Dear FreeRangeKids:
I’ve done it. I had to break down and buy backpack harnesses (leashes) for my 18 month old twin toddlers. Please don’t judge me when you see me. We walk to the park in the afternoons and I’m tired of strolling them and walking is a disaster with one child darting away while the other one plots their next move. One mommy and two toddlers is a ratio I can’t handle any longer on our 20 minute walk. After one child ended up in the stream soaking wet and the other one almost fell off a bridge, letting them run ahead is not in their mental boundaries yet.
Feeling like a failure,
Val
Terri Lynn, You said it well. The anguish of being a parent. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end, even when they are grown, but one learns to accept that as a parent of an adult, one has little to no control over the safety of one’s children. One of mine goes to Afghanistan in March.
Val: My eldest sister was born only 11 months before my brother came to the world. And 13 months after that, my second brother appeared. There weren’t any backpack harnesses back then, so my mother just tied a simple rope around her waist and her kids’, mountaineering-style, you could say. Whenever I think about how it must have been for her, I am astounded she didn’t tie the rope around the kids’ necks!!
Couragel! Maybe in a few years time you’ll remember that outing and just laugh.
Dear Val,
Free range parenting is not about letting a toddler drown or its twin play superman off a bridge. You found a solution to an immediate and constant problem. It required attention and with due diligence you solved your dilemma. That’s not failing as a FR parent. That’s maturity at its best. Your toddlers will eventually mature and grow into the parameters you establish for them. As that occurs (its a process, not a time frame) you’ll give them “more rope” and they in turn will appreciate the freedom they will have within the limits that mom and pop establish. Taking the reins is not failure. Its when you don’t that problems occur. Free range is simply intelligent parenting and anyone who comments on your “leash” approach is meddling in things that don’t concern them.
I grew up as a ‘latch-key kid’. I walked to school, about a mile and a half each way, in third grade. I got home before my parents did, as they had a 1 1/2 hour commute in the greater Los Angeles area, once they got off work at 5 pm. I let myself in the house, and fended for myself. I’ve taken the Los Angeles RTD bus system most anywhere I needed to, since the age of 9. I played in mud, climbed trees, skateboarded without a helmet, ranged across a 10 miles area on a bicycle, and otherwise had what I consider a ‘normal’ childhood. We weren’t that well off, so most of my play was outside, with my imagination.
Fast forward 30 years.
I now work for Chuck E Cheese. The same parents that won’t let their child walk more than a block un-escorted, completely ignore them once they get inside the store. I believe the, as you term it, Free Range Children, instills confidence, responsibility, self-reliance, and a desire to develop the child’s own personal set of ethics. These over-protected children go hog wild inside the CEC store. They wash their hands with Sprite directly from the soda fountain. If they don’t like pepperoni on their pizza, they peel it off and throw it on the floor, right in front of their parents. Many of the parents argue that they don’t want to stifle their children, but at the same time, they surely aren’t teaching them anything, or letting them learn on their own.
I’ve seen children HIT their parents.. repeatedly, for the parents not pandering to them. If I were to do that in my day, I don’t think I’d have seen the next sunrise, let alone the next hour. But since CEC is considered a ‘safe’ environment, they completely ignore them, and let them do as they please. They can sit back and work on their laptop, doing out of office work, and completely ignore their progeny. A child with no safety training, no sense of ethical conduct, and no sense of societal courtesies…
I read the original article you refer to.. letting your son make his own way home via the subway, and I thought it one of the best things to come about. It let him find his own reliance and independence, as well as literally, find his own way home.
My only vindication on today’s attitudes of parents will be a long, slow process in coming.. Just remember.. the child that you are coddling, and not instilling any real world values or experiences in, is the one that is going to commit you to the retirement home. Is it the one that cares for you as an individual? Or the one that you may be lucky if they fill the water bottle and change out the newspaper in the bottom of your cage.
I am completely for letting your child explore their independence. I have two children.. they are 18 and 15. Unfortunately, I was given little say in their upbringing, as we divorced when the oldest was 3 and the youngest was 10 months old. They were coddled. Not allowed to play certain games, or watch certain movies, or attend certain activities. The eldest is only now discovering his lack of experiences, since his mother cannot now prevent him from interacting with me. I ask him to go hiking.. he asks where the cabin or hotel is. I suggest working on a car together, he asks what garage is going to do the work. In time, he can gain those experiences.. the ones we gained just by being a child 30 years ago.
Self Reliance is something that can only be learned first hand… not something taught in a class, or preached by parents. Self reliance is two part time jobs to put yourself through college, not demanding more money from your parents. It’s being confident of yourself to do the things you need to, to get around in this world. It can’t be taught.. it has to be learned personally.
I commend you, and nay-say the coddling parents who are raising children to be reliant on them for everything until said children are 40.
I don’t have kids, and I’m not sure if I will….but I love this idea!
We (my siblings and I) all turned out fine, making our own choices and even getting a few scraped knees and elbows along the way. We were raised in an age where Free Range was the norm, before the “plastic bubble” of over protective parents was imposed.
If you don’t let your children learn on their own, what kind of adults are they going to be? What will happen when you’re no longer there to take care of them, say after you leave this world? I fear that today’s generation are just babies/kids in adult bodies. What life skills do they have? The sense of entitlment instead of ownership is dumbfounding to me.
Free-Range Kids is a GREAT idea!
PS I’m 26, and as I said, turned out just fine. Teaching your kids to think and act for themselves is your JOB as parents.
love this site! I’ve been raising my daughter free range and didn’t even know it! When she was teeny (2 months?) we went to a baby group. I watched a little girl fall on her bum (wearing a diaper) and burst into tears. Her mother bolted across the room and picked her up and soothed her and basically made such a fuss. I thought to myself then and there that I wouldn’t do that! LOL my motto if I don’t see blood you’re probably OK. Some moms look at me funny when I don’t go running when my daughter falls or bumps her head. I look to make sure she’s OK, ask her if she’s OK or if she wants me to kiss it better. She’ll walk over to me kisses and hugs are given and then she’s off. My completely independent and feisty 3 yr old started day care in September without a whimper. I live in Manchester England and don’t know how much free range I’ll give her but her school is just around the corner and public transportation is fantastic here so I expect she’ll have lots of freedom.
When I was in kindergarten, my parents allowed me to walk home from school (which was only across the street). I am now 36 years old, and obviously still alive and okay. I think today’s parents are very paranoid, and they are passing on their paranoia to their children. Every man is a sex predator. Every old lady is like the witch in Cinderella, harboring a poisoned apple. It’s sad that these children are being brought up in an atmosphere of fear.
Eulaha, You have said it so well, and the thing that scares me is that when these children who have been raised in such an atmosphere of fear grow up they will be easy to control.
I live in Coral Springs, FL, where the city council has just decided to uphold a 25-year ban on ice cream trucks because 25 years ago, a child was killed in an accident involving one. I’m not kidding.
Here’s the article: http://www.enewsboy.com/story.php?title=coral-springs-commissioners-let-further-discussion-on-ice-cream-trucks-melt&city=Coral%20Springs
Our Mayor opposes the ban, but can’t do anything about it. I e-mailed him a letter of support, letting him and the council (all of whom I copied on the e-mail) know how absolutely crazy this is. I think what they are really concerned about is the fact that they can’t charge all the business taxes and fees to the owners of these trucks like they can a brick-and-mortar business. They are using “public safety” as their excuse. Disgusting.
I am completely for the idea of free range kids. If the protection of their children was in a parents best interests, than any caring adult would do what’s best for their child. If I have something I want to do, than I just tell my parents what I’m doing and where I’m going. For example, I like going for walks/runs around my neighborhood by myself, and going swimming at our local beach during the summer. I’m the youngest of three kids, and my parents have had more than enough practice with my brother and sister. One of my sisters friends was a sheltered only child. When she went off to university, she was overwhelmed by the “real world.” She had a panic attack within the first two weeks of being away, and was flown home immediately. I have two friends that have helicopter moms that structure my friends entire lives, making it difficult to even hang out with them.
Lenore,
I went to see you present last Thursday at Kensington Elementary. You have such an excellent sense of humor, I was in stitches lauging. The story about what it would take for a person to actually abduct a baby from the stroller at the store was so true. Really, would a person be able to take a screaming baby out of its stroller, jaunt on out the store without someone stopping him/her?
Abduction is not the only thing parents are paranoid about these days though…..theres always the maniac drivers that could plow down our kids during their walk to school since so many of us live in urban areas now (I lived in suburb growing up, we could walk, ride our bikes, run after the icecream truck)
But I am really trying to move away from my past helicopter style parenting to a …..well, never completely free range, but certainly something much closer to allowing freedom, exploration, growth. When my boy was 3, I recall watching “Finding Nemo” with him. Suddenly, there I was, on the screen. Yup….that was me, the character “Marlin”, Nemo’s Dad. “Nooooooo!!!!! Nemo, don’t go to the drop off zone!!!! “You just can’t do it!” “I’s far too dangerous!!!!!!!!!
That was right about the time I realized I needed to get a grip……I was provoking my own anziety onto my child and could see it. so I’ve learned to let him go a bit…..and He is blossomning from a kid that was too anxious to talk in preschool to a really good biker, scooterer, skier, dare devil rock climbing (Yikes!)….and he talks more and more at school. I really do think there is something to be said about encouraging kids to do things on their own as much as possible, within reasonable safety limits. Thanks for a great speach.
Lenore,
A funny and relevant story on the otherwise quite worthy FMyLife cite (above) : can’t copy and paste, but essentially a college student who does not live at home receives a panicked call from his/her (not sure) parents though the front desk of his/her dorm. Said parents were going to call the police because the student isn’t answering his/her cell phone and they last saw him/her 9 hours ago. It was posted today (1/18) ~~ Maria
Oops, I did not think those would be published immediately, my hope was for the FML story to end up on the homepage … and it’s not 5AM January 19th yet, I haven’t been at work THAT long 🙂
My Free-Range Kids are now 23 and 26 and are happy, healthy and courageous. I was so pleased to find your website and totally support your cause! My husband and I were much more interested in raising open, curious and courageous kids, than in raising tentative, suspicious and fearful kids. Thanks for your work — here’s to Free-Range Grandkids!
I am listening to your book on audio for the first time and I absolutely love it! I think so many people don’t understand wht you mean by “free-range”. It isn’t about dumping your kids outside to fend for themselves no matter what. it is about knowing your kids, knowing what they are capable of and maybe pushing that a little at times. And it is about teaching your kids and having good communication with them so that you know what they want and they know what you want. My kids are 2, 3, and almost 5 and I know my oldest is much more mature than my middle child, far beyond their 17 month old difference. He will be allowed to do certain things that his younger brother will have to wait longer to do, because I am not sure I can trust him.
It is all about knowing your children and trusting them to do what they are capable of.
I totally agree with Kathryn above. I bought Lenore’s book after hearing her speak at Hilltop School. Thank you, Lenore, for a very funny, thought-provoking talk! I cried I laughed so much. I already do too much for my kids, but I’m weaning them away with determination. I needed to have some validation that trusting my daughter to do things on her own is not bad parenting! Her younger brother, the boy, well, he’s got a ways to go. Our children do need to be prepared for life, just like we needed to be, and the plan is my kids will not need me for much once they are adults. I’m enjoying the book.
I like your idea. I was raised with a fair amount of freedom (When I was little I could bike ride or walk anywhere within certain boundaries- which were busy roads that were fairly dangerous to cross- as long as I told my mom where i was going) since i got a cell phone (at eleven) i could pretty much walk anywhere in my town and take the train to neighboring towns, and now at fourteen I’m allowed to go to new york city as long as i have a friend, a cell phone, and a metro card- I guess that doesn’t compare with a nine year old beign allowed to be in the city alone, but I’m not a nyc kid so there’s a bit of a difference.
However i do have a lot of friends who’s parents are much stricter with them, and it gets really annoying. WHat good is beign allowed to go to the city if I don’t have any friends who are allwoed to go with me?
I hope you can knock your great ideas into my friend’s parent’s heads.
I hope i’m not going to be overprotective as a mom….
I am so happy I found this site! I am trying to raise a free range kid. I was a free range kid!
I have friends who follow their children around the house, play ground, yard…to make sure they are okay and safe and that don’t fall. I don’t have to go outside with my daughter. She is in a fenced back yard. She cant get out and knows she is not allowed to even try to go to the front yard unless she asks. I don’t think that I should “follow” her around as she plays. It takes away from her inspiration of imagination to play.
When I turned 8, my parents let me and a friend go to a movie at nighttime by ourselves. They dropped us off at the front door and said, “have fun”. There was no stranger-danger talk given to us, and I do not remember being afraid! I remember walking a lot of places when I was a kid, simply because my mom was busy doing stuff at home with my younger siblings. Never once was I harmed, or kidnapped. I need to remember my childhood more, while raising my boys. The boys are troopers, and I think that is in part because of us trying to be free-rangers. I think one of the best things we taught them when they were very little, if they fell down, or bonked their heads or “got hurt” was to “dust it off”…saved a lot of tears and gave them the skills to be able to soothe themselves. Now when they are six, they fall down, run into something….their first response is to yell proudly “no damage” and move on. I have never “bubble-wrapped” my boys, and I am very proud of that. The boys most often play outside without me watching their every move….even when it’s cold outside. I do NOT understand “inside recess”. They even run with sticks, bats, “swords” in their hands and noone has ever lost an eye! I don’t actually think they’ve injured themselves running with a stick, probably because they’ve been doing it since they were able to walk! I’m not ready to send them to the store by themselves quite yet, but we’ll get there!! 🙂
Mary: How do you do it??? My only son has managed to get stitches three times already, and he has just turned 3! I don’t have the time to follow him around even if I wanted to (and I most certainly don’t), and for a boy, he is quite sensible when playing with sticks and rocks. They must be extremely agile, your kids… (or mine is too clumsy)
You have left me completely flabbergasted, because I know what to say, but not quite how to say it, but here it goes.
By blogging, I have easily determined that there are leaders and there are the followers, all having extremely different levels of intelligence in both categories. As a leader you have a certain amount of responsibility to your followers. I just hope you exercise extreme caution in dealing with the material you present to everyone, because some may just take it overboard and a little to the extreme, which could cause a real tragedy and probably a law suit to go with it.
I agree many parents are well overboard in the direction of caution, but they have chosen to err on the side of caution in order to prevent the kinds of tragedy’s that erring the other way may cause.
You let your readers choose for themselves and in order to do it fairly the other side of the material must be presented to them, so they can make a completely informed decision based on all of the facts.
Let your followers see more statistics from the free range side of the coin! The statistics that are causing more parents to be restrictive of their child’s whereabouts, so they can make informed decision based on the facts of child injury, abduction and molestation that happen when kids aren’t watched in this day and age and not just based on, “it sounds good” and “we used to do it when we were kids”. Times have changed people.
May each free range angel watch over the actions of all the children who’s parents haven’t fully considered all of the consequences, because they haven’t been presented with the statistics and the full range of “what if’s”, that really do happen in today’s day and age.
Bankruptnooption.
I love this site! My sons are decidely free range. They fall(they bounce) they run, they are kids. They each have a bits box. Its full of wire nuts bolts hose tubes and string. They each have a tool box most moms would envy. They fix their own bikes and sometimes my coffee tables. They have fixed the dresser drawers that broke. They can do dishes and laundry. We dont have cable, we have vhs. They get straight A’s. They are 9 & 11. Free range kids grow up to be self confident creative people, with a strong sense of community.
Comment on post by Bankruptnooption.
I have no idea whether you are a parent or not…… but I hope not. Your ability to think logically appears to be quite limited.
I am flabbergasted that you are advocating that Ms. Skenazy (the free range parent) actually “over parent” the parents that read her blog…cannot you see the ultimate irony your suggestion?
Times haven’t changed all that much. But most changes have been for the better. The vast majority of people are good.
Read the recent Time magazine cover article “The Case Against Over-Parenting” .
Stranger danger is way over blown……. relatives molest, abuse & kill kids WAY more than strangers.
Kids are safer now than they have ever been. Do your own research, the internet makes it quite easy.
First of all I love what I have read thus far. As a baby boomer I was definitely raised free range. We lived in the country and I wandered the area with little supervision. My children were raised in a small town environment and were also decidedly free range, in those days before cell phones. They were expected to tell us where they were going, and be back in time for dinner but those were pretty much the only rules. Now they are grown and we are starting to enjoy watching our grand kids grow in the same way.
Yes, dad kept a distant eye on them, especially when they were young, and yes, they did receive instruction and supervision when trying a new thing. (For example, before being allowed out to the deep part of the beach they had to pass “dad’s swim test,” and they we competent in woodland navigation, first aid and safety before they were allowed to go hiking and camping on their own.) They also understood the possible dangers such as thin ice. In a city environment this “survival skill set” would be different, but still teachable.
I have read a lot of “reasons” above not to allow your kids to be “free range,” but in reality they are excuses to maintain control. For example the story of the kids falling through the ice. A tragedy to be sure, but in my Emergency Services career I have pulled far, far more adults out of such situations than kids – and the few kids I have were with adults when it happened. Yes, molestation is a risk, but it always has been a risk. The big difference is today in our media driven lives we hear about it in countless 20 second spots repeated on cable news every half hour or less.
We can never eliminate risk, no matter how much we want to, and kids are by nature, (especially boys) risk takers. The question is not can we eliminate risks and risk taking, but how can we teach our children to recognize, assess and deal with the risks they will face and take. Our job is not to protect our kids from life, but to prepare them to face life and succeed, and a big part of that is facing risk, and accepting responsibility for their choices and decisions. Yes, there will likely be tears, stitches, shots, and maybe even broken bones, but ultimately your children will be better for it.
I wise man several thousand years ago put it this way: “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. ” (Proverbs 22:6)
The last time I commented here my daughter had not yet started school. Now have way through Kindergarten, I am amazed at how little freedom parents give their children. I drop off my daughter at school and pick her up as we live too far away to walk or ride a bike. i do this because I love to be with her. After school we will go to a great park with playscapes and a nice thick woods with trails. We play outside, walk through the woods and do things outside. My daughter can climb trees better than kids twice her age because she has been doing it for years. I am disgusted at the parents who are constantly telling their kids what they can’t do because it is “too dangerous”, like climbing on the playground equipment or running on the soft ground. My 7 year old niece is here this weekend and is the most terrified child I have been around. Cries at the drop of a hat, only wants to watch TV (which we happily don’t have) or play video games. My daughter (5) wants to go outside and play and blow bubbles and climb a tree but her cousin is scared to go outside without an adult. I sent them outside to play in our front yard and my niece doesn’t know what to do. I feel so sad for her. To be frightened of life at 7 can not be a good sign for a healthy and happy life. Your child only gets to be a kid once. Please let them enjoy it. And get rid of cable or even better your TV all together and live life don’t just watch it on TV.
I free ranged all over the neighbourhood when I was a kid. There were always at least six of us on the prowl. We lived in suburbia. It was the 70’s and we all survived. We climbed trees, we played hide and seek. we took our sleds to a steep, treelined, windy path and cannon balled down it at break neck speed. We even skated on a frozen pond.
We knew safety rules, we followed them, and we knew what time we were expected home. Occasionally we did what we knew was wrong, and learned about consequenses. WOW. does this mean my parents were bad parents? I think not.
I am attempting the free range parent thing. so far it has worked out ok.
We have had some trips to th ER, and some disastrous cooking experiments but I can honestly say that I now have teenagers 14 and 15 who can feed themselves a real meal(from raw ingredients, not a box) perform basic first aid, and do their own laundry.
Lola, HisFool, and Enid, I applaud you all, but can I ask a favor? Can we please lose this gender stereotyping thing? “Boys are bigger risk-takers”; “Boys get more bumps and bruises”. If they are / do, it’s because we keep repeating these mantras. Why? It’s not productive; lose it.
Yam Erez,
I agree my Niece is as rough and tumble as her brother and 5 boy cousins. If anything she is more rough and tumble than they are.
Yam Erez,
I made my comment about boys based upon observation of my own kids and their friends, a small sample I admit. Both sexes were risk takers, and both rough and tumble. Both loved to wrestle, run, jump, swim, climb trees, play football, and do crazy stuff. They were equally rough and tumble, but I was not speaking of rough and tumble.
We gave our daughter dolls when she wanted dolls, we gave her camping equipment when she wanted camping equipment. I took both on their first overnight camping/hiking trip in the Adirondack High peaks as soon as they were out of diapers. I taught both how to shoot (only allowed with dad’s supervision at that age) when they were about 10.
Yet, I did see a difference, not so much in the things they chose to do, (I took my daughter’s senior pictures on top of a mountain free climbing some small (20 feet high or so) cliffs – My son chose a more formal picture.) but in how they approached life. My son usually just launched into a new thing, while my daughter tended to take a more reasoned approach. One example that comes to mind, my son came home one day and announced that he had jumped from the top of a local waterfall into the pool. (There were many waterfalls in the 10 to 30′ range in our area and this is was not an uncommon activity.) When my daughter was ready (around 13 or 14) to try she came to me and asked me to come with her. Our first jump we took together.
Both tend to do similar things now that they are married adults. Both are certified guides experienced in rock climbing, mountain biking, hiking, etc. One is manager of an adventure course, one coaches track and x-country at a NCAA DII school. I’ll leave you to guess the career choices.
It’s not just attitude though, there is a difference physically, and I am not talking about how guys tend to be bigger and stronger. Functional MRI’s have shown that the area of the brain associated with risk taking and risk assessment is slower to develop in boys that girls. It’s fully developed in girls by around age 16 (I may be a little off, it’s been a while since I read the article) wile it does not fully develop in a boy until their mid-late 20s. This probably has a lot to do with why men under the age of 30 are considered higher risks than women the same age by insurance companies – they are.
The question isn’t about “for or against”. The question is “How do we raise children to grow up to be self sustaining men and women”. The correct answer is: preparation.
Don’t worry about insufficient frozen ponds (as one commenter lamented), or about fire and matches, or about heights. Instead of worrying, spend time with your kids – lots of time – and teach them how to experience and handle many different situations.
Do your children know what to do if they fall through the ice on a pond? Or how to help a friend who has? Do they know how to control a fire started in the house, the backyard or in the forest? Do they know the difference about what to do when it’s a grease fire? Do they know an easy way to locate the North Star in the night sky? Do they know what a tourniquet is? Do they know how to make one in an emergency and how to apply it correctly. Do they know how to break a wrist-hold if grabbed by a stranger? I could go on and on. It’s not about scaring kids about these things, it’s just about empowering them with knowledge and a sense of imagination, wonder, and awe of this amazing world we live in.
So much time today is spent on teaching kids what they shouldn’t do and/or incorrect information about a host of other subjects. Expose your kids to the world – the real world – , teach and give them the skills on how to survive in both worlds – a real jungle as well as a concrete jungle. This will take time and energy on your part. Your kids will be better for it and they will grow up to be self-sustaining adults.
All the best,
Mary Shrader
My parents were stricter than a lot of my friends’ parents growing up, but looking at this site, I’ve come to realize that in some ways they were sort of permissive.
As long as our chore and homework was done, we could roam the neighborhood until dark. Then we had to check in and find out if we could stay out later. When I was twelve, I regularly walked two miles once a week to the local library through a bad neighborhood-often staying till seven or eight and using the library phone to call and let my mom know when to expect me. Probably, my mom would have been a “bad mom” too.
But she didn’t let us do this stuff without knowing how to be safe. We were warned about strangers, and when I was walking those two miles in the dark, I carried a whistle and would have screamed my lungs out if someone tried to drag me away. Several times, men stopped to offer me “rides”, but I would always refuse if I didn’t know them, and if they persisted, I would make my way to a nearby well-populated place, like a supermarket. A kid that was more sheltered probably would have ended up raped, or worse.
Maybe this sounds like an argument for more controlls. But I can tell you that I learned more from my childhood than just how to play video games and watch tv.
Thank you for taking this on. I have been saying it for years. My 15 old daughter bikes to school and dance (about 2 miles one way) and sometimes doesnt get home til near dark. Oh my! It has been a great boost to her self confidence. Our friends think I’m nuts. Let all children be FRANKs.
I grew up in New York City, the Bronx. In 2nd grade, because we couldn’t afford a babysitter and there were no afterschool programs, I had to go to a neighbor’s house afterschool. But this neighbor had a granddaughter who kept getting into trouble and I was afraid she’d get ME into trouble so I begged my parents to just let me go home afterschool. And that is just what I did. I’d wave to the neighbor to let her know I was going into the house, go inside, lock all the doors, call my mom at work to check in, do my homework, do my chores and would be happily sitting at home reading a book or watching tv when my parents came home. If I wanted to go to the park, I’d call my mother at work to ask, then I’d call her when I got back in. If I wanted to go to my best friend’s house, I’d call from her house.
When I was about 12, I was put into a special program, but had to travel into Manhattan several times a week, about 45 minutes on the subway on two different subway lines. This was the straw that finally broke the apron strings. I’d always taken the subway with my mother, and already knew how to do it. So the first time my mother went with me, then she wrote down the directions and I did it solo with quarters on hand to call when I got there and to call when I was on my way home. No problem. After a few weeks, I didn’t need to call anymore. After a few months, I was allowed to take the subway anywhere I pleased. Being a geeky arty kid, I spent all my free time riding the subway to the Met Museum and the Guggenheim, trolling around Soho pressing my nose against gallery windows and marveling the architecture of the main Library on Fifth Avenue. My parents weren’t interested in this stuff, so I just went on my own. Some people may say age 9 is too young, but that depends on the child. I wish I had been taking the subway at age 9 and I feel I would have been totally capable of doing so at that age. Imagine how much more I could have experienced!
My freedom was a joy. I was a streetwise kid who enjoyed the adventure of the city and the independence my parents entrusted in me. I still enjoy that spirit of travel and exploration, knowing it came from my experiences as a kid.
I am a parent now and am looking forward to raising a thoughtful minded, independent, confident child.
Mary, so…I’m dying to know: How do I break a wrist-hold? Can you send a link to a video that explains?
HisFool, yes, I’ve read those gender brain studies, and I always say, fine, but why are we so invested in the differences? We know that the differences between any two individuals of the same gender are wider than those between the genders in general. So what do we get out of emphasizing the differences between the genders? What do we gain from it? Who funds this research? Is it advancing humankind?
HELLO again from a Free-Range American mommy in Germany! The “Beware of Lawsuits” comment on this string just screamed at me for a response, and with three kids I’ve got some tolerance for screaming. Where I live, common sense is expected, kids learn early on how to get around and people don’t sue some one every time they get hurt or disappointed.
While I’m sure complete health insurance for all workers, including disability benefits and cost-free coverage for children is a huge part of this (and non-proliferation of hand guns no small subsidiary benefit), I feel compelled to tell you all (I’m feeling a bit loud right now, but am disciplined enough to continue using lower case letters):
The benefits of a safe and healthy society only come with paying attention to basic needs and this post is about the basic need of kids to get to be kids. We have frozen ponds here that aren’t fenced or marked with signs because people are expected to teach their kids early on to stay off the ice, and to watch them until they are. The pedestrian bridges that go over the highways are also not caged because people are expected to know how to use them safely, and do that everyday. We use trains a lot, and occasionally someone suicides this way, but that’s a tragedy of a different sort. I weep with the news as well, but less here (it helps that I’m still learning the language).
My nearly grown daughter jokes, “we miss the low standards back in the states,” and I confess we miss the former New World enormously at times. But for me, one of the greatest perks of living here is that it’s normal for kids to learn to ride subways and buses, to be autonomous and sensible, just as it’s normal for parents to look after them and worry when they’re out of sight or testing their limits. We ache for them with every fall, but without a few falls they won’t learn to walk at all.
Thanks for this great format.
I am feeling a need to weigh in on the gender discussions. The rangeof behaviors, capabilities, etc. is broad for each gender, but there are still a range of basic differences. The struggle I have is that the ways in which females are different from males are too often considered a lesser way of being. For example, female intuition is often made fun of while the male gut reaction is taken seriously. The impact of hormones on women is belittled rather than seen as normal and beneficial. I would bet that few women even know the best time during their menstrual cycle to give a speech, etc. (A psychiatrist mentioned at a presentation that men are hormonal every day, while women are affected only a few days a month.)
I sent before I finished. I wanted to add that I think it is important to look at the differences between genders in understanding different medical needs and psychiatrict needs. A recent NIH study found large differences in the ways men and women react to depression medications, particularly for women at different ages. Heart attack symptoms are different between men and women too. We need to know and understand these differences. What I get tired of is that “being like a girl” is still the worst insult a boy receives.
Yam Erez: I totally agree with Helynna. As the Romans used to say, “Equality is treating equal situations the same way”, which also means that treating different situations equally is unfair. I can’t find the reference right now, but there’s been a case in France not long ago. A young boy was expelled from his school because he stubbornly refused to sit on the toilet to urinate; he insisted on standing up. It happens that the school had passed a new rule: male students were to sit down to urinate so that they wouldn’t feel superior to girls, who were in a lower position (???)
Okay, that was pretty extreme. But the fact remains: male and female are not the same thing. Which of course does not mean in any way that one is superior to the other.
As for making differences wider when educating young minds, all I can say is that my approach is exactly like HisFool’s. However, when my daughter first caught a football in her arms, her attitude was to hug it and rock it like a baby. When my son fiddled with a pink, shiny magic wand from a fairy costume, he fought with it as if it were a sword. Not that it means anything, but they looked so cute…
My parents have 11 grandchildren of which i kicked in 3. At age 12 each of these kids has to fly in a plane by themselves for the first time to visit them. My sister was to pick up my son at the airport but arrived an hour late…I thought my wife was going to die! Meanwhile he went to baggage claim following others from the flight, got his bags and started to talk to strangers. Two years later he still corresponds with one of the girls he met at the airport! What a stud! She thought he was 16!
I grew up in the late 60s and early 70s and frequently after school my older sister and I would arrive home to an empty house where we would have 2 or 3 hours by ourselves before my mom came home. Nearby was a flood control system where my friends and I often played in the water and mud, creating or own little world of fun. We survived. Now as my children reach adulthood, I continued to encourage SAFE independence and adventure. When My kids were 9 and 12, we became involved in the Southern Ca. Renaissance Faire where my 9 year old learned to Black and Whitesmith under the supervision of experienced adults. Now that WAS a dangerous hobby but he survived and learned how to be safe. In fact, now at 22, he has a forge in the back yard and enjoys working with metal as a stress relief as he persues his College degree.
Congratulations to the parents who allow risk, adventure and growth. After all, at age 5 I knew that towell around my neck didnt make me Superman, and my kids learned that the stick in their hand didnt make them Harry Potter, But it was fun to pretend…..
Whitesmithing…cool. Never heard the term. Now I have a word for what my teenage neighbor does in his yard…he makes knives!
As long as he doesn’t play with them… 😉
Actually Whitsmithing is the art of making a mold in sand and then pouring molten metal, usually pewter, sometimes brass (like when making a bell) and even aluminum into the mold and making an object. Usually a dish but also jewelry or other decorative items. Blades are made with Blacksmithing but its a VERY VERY labor intensive art. Usually in the middle ages Blacksmiths didnt make weapons cause there was a better living making farming tools.
And Yes, we do play with blades too! ;o)
I know rthis is off topic but here is a website for a friend that makes the best blades around….look at the beauty of his work.
http://www.atar.com
Hes my friend but I cant afford them!
Your location, location privacy, location safety, location environment, your location neighbors etc., and your own household objects…. it depends alot first of all, on these things. If these are dealt with properly, then I like the concept of free range children. I was not a free range child. And now here I am, still sheltered (not moved out yet, still in college at age 20), and am somewhat withdrawn and have trouble getting my body to take me where I want to go (LITERALLY, to walk around when I tell myself that I want to, or to hurry up and finish my homework so I can go outside… it is bizzare.. anyway I am working on it). Keep the kids at a safe distance and do it in a certain way, and keep their brains chauk full of knowledge book smarts and common sense and they should be okay, just keep an eye out on and for them. I want to be a mother someday.
Hey Lenore, You certainly can take a lot of heat! Most people who have fallen apart after being called the “world’s worst mom” … apparently these same people don’t read the newspaper since there are far worse parents out there!
The gal’s story about her brothers and three other children drowning was so heart-wrenching, but even with adult supervision these things happen.
I am completely committed to allowing my son (now 9-years old) to become an independent, thoughtful person. This means he can walk down to 7-11, the grocery store, or his Tae Kwon Do studio by himself, over to a friend’s house, and even up to the local community pool for swim team practice. When I started letting him do this, my husband and friends were horrified. Now they have started letting their children have more freedom.
I would much rather help my child understand risks (like where the ice is too thin, how deep the freezing water is, and the likelihood of death by drowning,) than for him to not have an adventurous full life.
We just got back from a month in Europe. He managed his own bags, was responsible for making his way with me but did get robbed in a Paris train station by gypsies after I had warned him to be cautious and zip up his pockets. He lost 5 pound sterling, but was able to see the lesson: “Mom, next time I’ll be more aware. I should have listened to you.”
Life is all about our experiences and how we learn to grow. If you never have an experience, you are never going to grow.
We also have been following Gever Tulley and have been working our way through the 50 Dangerous Things list… We are having a fabulous time!!
I was raised free-range but it wasn’t called that back in the seventies, it was just called growing up. Bad things happen to good people – period. That fact will never change but giving free range to your kids teaches them survival skills they will need throughout the rest of their lives. Parents today wonder why their kids are overweight and outside challenged. It’s not rocket science – the kids just don’t have any motivation or curiousity of great big world outside. For my brother and I – the outside world was so much better than being cooped at home and my mother encouraged it. Yes, kids did get abducted and molested back then, kids did get run over by cars and kids did get hurt by various means but that is called life. Instead of fearing the world we were taught how to deal with these situations – like don’t talk to strangers, don’t get in anyone’s car you don’t know, run and scream for help if someone approaches you. I’ve travelled city buses since I was nine years old, spent a weekend alone with my best friend when I was 12 at a motel by the beach (my mom dropped us off) and travelled cross country on a Greyhound bus solo when I was 16. I had people that inappropriately approached me but I knew what to do and I survived. To all these naysayers tell me this, what will your child do when confronted with a bad situation? They wouldn’t have a clue and would probably be more likely to fall prey to a crime because they aren’t aware of these dangers and didn’t learn the defense.
I checked out this site after several women in a parenting group I attend were talking about being free-range parents. I am sorry to say I’m not impressed.
One woman’s one-year-old fell down a flight of stairs and had his face banged up. She proudly said that was a natural consequence and she wasn’t going to put a gate up because he had to learn not to fall down the stairs and if he did it was his own fault. Several other women nodded in agreement. (Apparently they don’t mind if he dies before be learns.)
Another women has kids who tend to act impulsively (due to brain damage). She thinks it’s ridiculous that the neighbors expect her to watch her kids while they’re playing outside. The neighbors don’t allow her kids onto their property or near their own children (due to past behavior), but the free-range kids forget and go over anyway. The neighbors then yell at the free-range children, and the free-range mom gets mad at the neighbors for being “mean” and “anti-social.” Wouldn’t getting yelled at be a natural consequence for the kids? Shouldn’t it make them tough and able to take care of themselves? This has been going on for years. If free-ranging teaches kids, shouldn’t they have learned by now?
I read a lot of name-calling and opinions here, but where’s the research? Who says kids who are supervised end up being brainless helpless blobs? My kids sure aren’t; neither are my neighbors’ or friends’ or co-workers’. (And none of the free-range parents I know think my kids are this way, either.) We all supervise when necessary and work to let our kids have safe experiences of many aspects of life. I don’t know anyone who’s ever felt they had any bad results from parenting this way. You think there are bad results, but what’s your evidence? You have to have evidence linking the result to the specific parenting behavior. Just because you “know” it’s so doesn’t make it so.
Many of you say “I survived” as though that proves its OK – what about those that didn’t survive and can’t enter an e-mail here? Or “it’s just life” if some kids get molested or kidnapped or killed–are you really saying that it doesn’t matter if those things happen to your child, or anyone’s? You would rather have a dead child than a sissy? Or do you think some kids should be weeded from the herd? At least you are willing to volunteer your kids to be the statistics!
You’re also missing the point that it isn’t exposure to a dangerous situation that teaches kids to protect themselves. It’s learning what to do in a dangerous situation that empowers them. They don’t learn that by themselves or by trial-and-error. Adults teach them.
You’re also missing the fact that kids don’t have a fully developed frontal lobe of their brains until they’re 21. That’s the part that makes judgements. That’s why we don’t drive until we’re 16, vote until we’re 18 and drink until we’re 21 (at least in my state). It’s not arbitrary. Kids can’t think like adults. Not even if they’re “free-ranged.” They do have to learn to think on their own and make good decisions but it happens gradually over years no matter what you do. One way they do learn to think critically is by adults modeling it for them.
One of the free-range moms I know said this is a reaction to extreme hovering, and that there’s a fine line between being attentive and hovering. Have any of you noticed that this does not make sense? If the behavior you object to is only the extreme, why do you think encouraging the extreme opposite behavior is going to fix it? Why would letting your kids fall down stairs, play with knives, etc., be a way to get back to attentive-but-not-hovering parenting?
Actually, my husband and I bent over backwards to let our kids run, jump, play climb, and have a lot of experiences – including thinking for themselves and making decisions – but within reason and safe limits. That included standing on either side of the bed to let our one year old jump her heart out without flying through the window. People either thought we were crazy to let her jump on the bed or to take the time to watch her. I could go on and on with those types of examples. It’s not at all impossible to let your kids develop with confidence and competency and still care about their safety or their development. It takes more effort than either letting them parent themselves or shutting them down with rules–which I think is the real reason people like this philosophy. It gives them permission to be lazy or uncaring parents.
Amber,
Read the book. Many of your questions are answered right there, with citations, research, and evidence. It’s not fair to come to the site that’s an offshoot of the book and criticize without having read the book.
I liked your last paragraph. Wings with tethers at the age where tethers are needed.
Amber, Actually, the kind of parenting you are describing as how you parent is free range parenting, while that which you are criticizing is neglectful parenting. Free range parenting is not letting children run wild. It is making conscious decisions at each age level and individual child’s maturity, personality, etc. as to what is safe and appropriate for them to do either alone or with less supervision, with the goal of helping and guiding one’s children in the development of independence and responsibility. Your description of you and your husband on either side of the bed while your one year old jumps would fit more into free range parenting, while if you only allowed her to jump holding both of your hands, that might be hovering. Free range parenting is actually far more work than helicopter parenting as you are always trying to balance majurity and ability with freedom and responsibility.
@gayle,
Riding the subway is not such an incredible endeavor. Especially for someone who lives in the city and has probably ridden the subway before. The age at which a child may be ready for something depends on the child, and largely on how the child has been raised thus far. I have a friend who owns a ranch. They start teaching the kids to drive a car at the age of 5. Lifestyle is a huge factor in how quickly kids mature. How we each choose to raise our kids is nobody else’s business, notwithstanding actual abuse.
Dear Helynna –
Thanks for posting your replies to both Yam Erez and Amber.
Amber-
As Helynna noted, parenting that you are characterizing as “free range” is actually negligent.
Age appropriate freedom is what “free range” is about.
Allowing kids to fall down the stairs so they can learn about stairs is not “free range” parenting. Teaching kids how to negotiate stairs safely is “free range” parenting, applying bubble wrap to every hard surface in the home is “hovering / over parenting”.
Check out the Time magazine ariticles “The Case Against Over Parenting” and “The Teenage Brain”.
btw dropping the voting age to 18 was not great idea and “over parenting” by the federal govt (withholding highway funds from states with drinking age below 21) has pretty much made 21 the legal limit in the US.
So it appears the urge to “over parent” is ubiquitous in modern America, even when the object of over parenting is other adults. 🙂
My “over parented” nieces & nephews have grown into incapable “adults”, with their mother making travel arrangements for her children in their mid 20’s and still subsidizing their post college lives. 😦
Amber, you’ve completely missed the point of free range parenting. Perhaps you haven’t been exposed to the type of hovering that we are taking a stand against. Free range is about allowing children to have the amount of freedom that is appropriate for them, not about completely ignoring them. Hovering parents don’t allow their children to have any freedom. They accompany them everywhere, do everything for them, and allow them no time do figure anything out for themselves. There is evidence all over the place that this type of parenting is having a negative impact. Not only in the literature, but in our own experience. Read more and you will find example after example of teachers and employers who are being forced to try to deal with people who were raised this way and have no ability to handle anything on their own.
I just finished reading the book. Loved it. Well most of it. One thing I wondered about was in the section on SIDS and the risks of putting kids on their stomachs or their backs.
The number quoted was that 1 in 2000 kids die from SIDS. As a percentage that’s 0.05%. Also quoted was the statistic that indicated that by sleeping on their stomachs, they increased the risk of SIDS by 15-20% (if I remember correctly). Which means that the increased risk is now 0.06% or 1 in 1667 kids who will die of SIDS.
This still seems like a pretty low risk to me. And I was surprised by the recommendation. But perhaps there’s something I misunderstood?
I admit that I’m feeling defensive about this because I had 4 children, all 4 of which simply would not sleep on their backs. They would not do it. They would rather scream for 4 hours than sleep on their backs. The only way we could get them to sleep at all was by letting them sleep on their stomachs. This despite a huge amount of pressure from friends, neighbors, and just about everyone saying we shouldn’t do this.
We eventually gave in to letting our kids sleep on their stomachs because
a) that was clearly what they wanted and
b) we rationalized that the risks to their well being from lack of sleep were starting to dwarf the risks from SIDS
Did we just get lucky?
Laural, Helynna, Bob, and Kim,
I think what you meant to say is that many free-range proponents are confusing free-range parenting with neglect. The women I wrote about have read more about this topic than I have and identify themselves as free-range parents. I hadn’t even heard the term before they mentioned it. None of the other self-described free-range parents in the groups disagreed with them. That’s what made me wonder about this philosophy. I also suggest you read more of the posts on this site. Many people seem to me to not get the difference between free-range and neglect., at least as you’ve described it. Do you follow up with any of them?
And you are right, I have never known a single parent who was a helicopter parent by your description. I really do doubt that this is anything more than a rare phenomenon. The free-range parents I know (as they call themselves) think hovering is, in addition to what I already described, telling a one year old to get off a chair because they might fall, or calling a teacher over a bad grade. They may have seen other examples that were move hovering, but I haven’t heard of any yet.
One other point – I know two women and two men who were molested as children–two of them by OLDER KIDS–back in the day when adults thought it was safe to let kids run free and play without supervision. I don’t know anyone who was ever injured by riding a bike without a helmet (and we all rode without helmets when I was kid, as do most of the kids in my neighborhood now). We let our older daughter play without supervision if we know the other kids, not if we don’t know them. We’ve very happy with that. She doesn’t feel restricted. (Although she does wear a bike helmet anyway, but she doesn’t mind that either.)
What you said sounds great, and I really don’t care how other people raise their kids in general, but, sorry, I still see this as a way for neglectful parents to feel OK about it. You might mean well but I think this movement is doing more harm than good. Maybe if Lenore had just written a book called “How to Raise Independent Kids Safely”??
Amber-
Neglectful parents masquerading as “free range” parents do not impeach the concept.
I can tell you, I’ve been around the block more than a few times. My sons are 30 & 26, both went to top tier U;s in CA. They are competent, capable and accomplished. And they were “free ranged”……appropriate freedom, crafted for each kid.
The journey to adulthood is not a “step function” it is a “ramp”……capability built upon eariler learning. “Over parented” kids often “crash & burn” when they go away to college. Or take 5 or 6 years to finish or their parents call professors!
I don’t know where you live but I can assure you that “hovering / helicopter” parents are NOT aberrations is SoCal. Get a copy of the TIme magazine article “The Case Against Over Parenting”.
“Over parenting” is a very real phenomenon.
The fear & worry that drives these parents are irrational. The US is a very safe place. Check the stats…..relatives commit WAY more abuse than strangers. Most people worry about the wrong things.
Withhold judgment until you read the book. Just because someone calls themselves a “free range” parent doesn’t make it so. Your offhand comment that “I think this movement is doing more harm than good” is based upon what?
If you have kids….everything you are choosing to do is pretty much an uncompleted experiment, until they graduate from college or have a paying job with which they can support themselves.
“Free range” works. BTDT
cheers
Bob
I just think it’s sad that “parenting” has become such an academic pursuit as of late (I guess maybe it has been since the Dr. Spock days). We think about it way too much. We debate about it way too much. We judge each other way to much. It’s a natural process. Do what feels right and ignore what everyone else says. We all have different comfort levels. What is neglectful to some is not to others. What is overprotective to some is not to others. But there are extreme examples on both ends of the spectrum that can and do have damaging consequences for society as a whole. I guess what I wonder about is, why we are changing from what most of us called “normal” when previous generations were raised. After all, it is the people who came before us who were the founders and innovators of this world. Doesn’t seem like people turned out all that bad. I really believe that the movement toward “over-parenting” is much more about the parent than it is the kid. The “Me” generation has a need to feel “special” so they attempt to create the perfect life. Unfortunately it is often these people that have a break down the moment their facade starts to crumble. When you’ve never had to suffer through hardship, you have no idea that you can.
This discussion has been going on for some time. A lot has been written for and against. Every word was worth reading though – if just to read your words Kim. Thank you for the most enlightened of presentations. If I could I would quote you in my next book. Everyone should read and heed what you have just said.
I think we need to get away from this idea that we have to make childhood “better” for our kids than it was for us. This idea that the American dream is about making a “better” life for our kids than we had. Most of us probably had it pretty good. Besides, we can’t “make” lives for our children. They need to do that for themselves. In addition, “better” nowadays seems to mean “more.” More toys, more vacations, more games, more “stuff.” Even the more time thing has gotten blown out of proportion. We went from parents not spending any time with the kids to spending ALL their time with the kids. We need to redefine what it is we are trying to do. We don’t need to provide a “better” life for our kids. We need to support them in trying to make a good life for themselves.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing your book. I am the mama of a 4.5 yr old and after reading your book I took a big sigh of relief and have started easing up on my little girl and giving her more freedom. Age appropriate of course – not sending my preschooler walking in San Francisco by herself to school but am doing more to help her be more independent and what not. I can truly feel a weight being lifted and how much more freer I am with her. By allowing her room to grow and make choices I am letting her grow into the woman I hope for her to be.
Thanks so much!
another example of why over-parenting isn’t good for either kids or parents. We’ve had a couple snow days and check out the story in our local paper:
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/weather/story/316434.html
Parents supposedly can’t wait for school to start again. Read the comments and you’ll see people chastising these “selfish” parents for not wanting to spend more time with their kids. In actuality, I’ll bet the people who can’t wait for their kids to go back to school are the very parents who already spend every possible waking minute with their kids! They are out of ideas for scheduling the kids’ free time. Just kick them out the door for pete’s sake!!
Here was one response to my idea to let the kids play by themselves:
“i wish i could let my kids outside and play by themselves but with a sex offender living 3 houses down from me It wont happen.”
So, does that mean the kid is never going to get to go outside alone? How sad for them. I agree with the strength in numbers thing…if more kids were outside any danger would be much less.
It seems I’m a terrible mother. I got my kids clearing everyone’s driveway last time they skipped school due to the snow. You bet they weren’t what you call “overexcited” when they came back…
About the “safety in numbers” thing, we took care of that by having a bunch of kids of our own. Anyone who joins in gets inevitably engulfed in the “herd”.
Helicopter parents are idiots whose kids will turn out to be idiots. I already see it, with boys as old as ten being brought into the women’s bathroom and kids as old as 11 and 12 saying they aren’t allowed to go out bike riding with their friends!
These will be the adults who live with their parents into their 40s and 50s and when they finally do go out and start their own families will be dysfunctional because they never learned how to negotiate the world on their own.
Back when I was learning how to ice skate in the 80’s, only the “retards” wore helmets. Sorry, I know that’s a bad word but that’s what everybody called the disabled or mentally retarded kids.
I took my 5 year old ice skating the other day and she was the ONLY kid at the rink without a full face hockey helmet on. I knew other parents were looking at me and tisking.
Honestly, I think putting all those healthy, normal children in helmets turns them into “retards”.
I am a thirteen year old and I really think that kids need more freedom. I regularly ride my bike to the library and friends houses but for going longer distances and using public transportation my parents would like me to have a friend with me. However we haven’t been able to find many friends whose parents are willing to let them have this freedom. Recently I wanted to take public transportation a few stops but my parents were afraid that some “concerned stranger” would call the police. Parents really need to stop sheltering their children and prepare them for the outside world. I’m not saying that parents should just push kids out the door one day and expect them to find their own way across town with no street smarts, but to to teach and encourage them to be independent. Walk with younger kids to school, farther and farther behind until they’re ready to walk on there own.
p.s. this is just my opinion
I completely agree with the idea of free range kids, and with the exception of wearing helmets for any sports that could potentially cause traumatic brain injury, I let my kids get dirty, chop wood, cook food!
My problem is living in a small community and having teachers and other parents tell my 7 & 4 y/o children that they should be scared and may get hurt if they act like children or help out around the house. It seems to be ingrained in our society to “remind” children to “be careful!!” Constantly! This gap in what is correct is very stressful to my nervous child, who is always looking to do the right thing in the eyes of his teachers. We are the family that others avoid, but I am sure that my kids will be independent and successful adults.
@Amy
I know how it feels to be “that family.” Although I often think that it is just my perception. Maybe they aren’t really snubbing us? Who knows. But, how are kids supposed to learn things if we don’t teach them? I went to college with kids who had never washed a dish! I am amazed at how many 20-somethings don’t know the first thing about how to navigate their own finances because mom and dad have done everything for them up to that piont. We really aren’t doing our kids any favors by pretending to be their maids, cooks, and personal secretaries. It is our JOB to send them out well equipped to handle these things on their own!
Lisa I have to stay I don’t make my kids wear helmets either.
So many of the comments to this blog have focussed on where and when a child can walk alone or play outside alone, but I read a clip in The Week magazine that is a great example of free range parenting. A three year old was able to successfully call 911 when his grandmother had a stroke and his calm, immediate action saved her life. It had just been a few days before that his mother had shown his how to use the phone to call 911. She explained to him that if her heart ever stopped beating or if she fell, he should call 911. Teaching these skills is what free range parenting is about.
Amy – yeah. As if telling a kid to “be careful” EVER preventing anything bad from happening. It’s become a habitual phrase, like “How are ya?”. Ridiculous, as are face helmets at the skating rink…???!!!
I’m all in favor of the principles behind the free range kid and I hope to be true to my instincts raising my 2 small children now and in the future. My biggest resentment about the dominance of the helicopter parent culture is the self-fulfilling prophecy created by it. I live near a very large, safe urban park and I would be happy to send my son to play there by himself as soon as he and I are comfortable with the notion (~7 perhaps). But who will he go with? Certainly none of his helicopter-parented friends. And when he gets to the park it will be similarly abandoned except for organized activities he can’t participate in without a league fee. No pickup games to be found. Ironically, without large numbers of kids looking for fun independently the environment is probably less safe than it could be, and certainly less enjoyable.
Tom, Sad but true that with less kids at the park, it is less safe and less fun. Perhaps it might be worth meeting with parents in the community to see if they would be at least willing to take turns as playgournd monitors. One parent at a time could be at the park each afternoon and be responsible for watching a group of kids.
I can’t believe you think drinking alchohol during pregnancy is in any way acceptable. Are you going to put a little beer in your baby’s bottle when he has trouble getting to sleep? I was extremely interested in reading this site until I read that. Do you have any sense of responsibility? Any self-control? Is it so difficult for you to go 9 months without a drink? It is so sad that our society is so programmed to believe that life is less enjoyable if you don’t have a drink.
Dear Amy-
I just received a copy of your “for or against” rant about drinking alcohol during pregnancy. I don’t recall whether you are a mom or not. Lighten up, of course I’m not suggesting that regular or heavy use of alcohol is a good idea but an occasional drink (or partial drink) is no big deal.
My wife ate burritos and the occasional partial margarita when pregnant with our first son……he finished is BA and MA at Stanford in four years.
When pregnant with our second son, it was sushi & occasional sake. He suffered from colic and his pediatrician (a woman & mom herself) suggested my wife have a small glass of white wine while nursing him. He finished his double major in econ and public policy at UC Berkeley in just under four years.
I can only imagine how bright and successful they could have been if their mom had totally abstained from alcohol.
There are real dangers in the world; the imbibing of the occasional bit of alcohol while pregnant is WAY down that list.
oh, btw…..my FIL suggested rubbing a bit if whiskey on our son’s gums when he was teething, about which I thought…. “Tom’s nuts!”
Our pediatrician (& a seasoned mom) confirmed his suggestion…..it works.
cheers
Bob
Where are the “ideas” and “”your childhood” pages?
If I missed the bus when I was a child, I was told to walk to school. It seemed like miles but I just mapquested it and the most direct route measured only 1.5 miles. Why did it seem so far? Because I took the “back way” and wandered thru neighborhoods before I actually got to school. Safe and sound.
My kids can’t do that today. The road is too busy with no sidewalks. I would let them if I could guarantee the teens who drive that road weren’t texting or talking on their phone at the same time!
Keep the movement moving!
Just finished reading the book and agree for the most part. Though I haven’t given birth to a kid myself my boyfriend has a three year old that I am very attached to. Her mother recently met a guy online and after three weeks of dating let him take the three year old girl while the mother was at work. I have a great fear of men molesting girls and was lucky to have a mother who fiercely protected me from this by talking to me openly about sex and good touches vs bad etc. I’ve read the statistics about this so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say I find this behavior way too risky. I was surprised that this subject was discussed in the book in more detail. I really try hard not to judge mothers, but allowing a man you barely know to have access to a small female child is something I have a hard time swallowing.
I have three wee ones: 4, 2, 1. Favorite mantra (from a book I once read): “The greatest gift you can give your children is the ability to live without you.”
Favorite recent Free Range Kid moment: my 4-year-old, who goes to preschool three blocks away, said the following after I mentioned that I was considering going to the library with his siblings while he was at school, and I was concerned about getting there on time to get him: “well, mom, I could always just walk home.”
And I haven’t read your book… yet. Just like the idea that my kids are independent and responsible, and try to work toward that goal with my parenting style each day.
Rock on, sistah!
First, it’s tough. I have a 12 year old,and he’s gaining some freedom, but it’s uncomfortable for me. I really have to weigh the risks, and prepare him/train him. I think the discomfort is around the fact he’s growing up, and I do try to explain that we have to take things slow, and as he proves himself he gets more freedom.
I do require I know where he is, even if it’s riding around the neighborhood, there are boundaries. The internet does make you nuts though : “I caught my 12 year old having sex” etc. I have to believe that’s the exception and not the rule. Same with some random person picking on them. I’m sure this freedom wont’ prevent the occasional lie, but I’m hoping it might prevent some lies and sneaking around, which would be worse.
As someone who works with abused children I believe this is insane. Kids don’t need to live in fear, but they need protection and this woman is just lucky no one has harmed her children yet (assuming they haven’t been.)
I pray that those of you who follow her insane ideas will remember the stats of 1 in 3 women are victims of sexual abuse. The majority of which happen under the age of 14!
Please, please, please…be reasonable, but don’t let your children be another statistic!
S. I urge you to read Lorene’s book before making such comments. She is not suggesting that children shouldn’t have appropriate supervision and protection. If you are working with abused children, you should know that the perpetrators of sexual abuse on girls is most often a member of her family and in her home by a father, stepfather, uncle, or brother. And many times the mother knows that it is happening and feels powerless to stop it.
Hey look at me! I’m ten! Aren’t my parents sooooo dicing with danger, letting me on the internet? Oh yeah, and I build things with a hammer and nails! I walk to school! I make cookies in the real oven! According to my friends parents, I should be dead!
No. No, I say. My parents have given me and my brother independence. If I’m sick, I’ll stay home a few hours alone. No big deal. Of course, swine flu could strike me dead at any moment. What I would like to do to those germophobics…
I am worried about our future in the hands of overcoddled and dependent children when they finally become “adults” (which will be when they turn 60 or so). I really feel like parents now are ruining a whole generation and I am so glad to hear that some people actually practice common sense in raising kids. I was a “free ranger” and my 4 kids were raised free range too and they are very self sufficient, independent and capable human beings, not looking for someone to save them or give them a handout. I don’t understand why parents would want to emotionally handicap their children, except for their (the parents) own selfish and sick reasons. The sad thing is they actually think they are being “loving”.
I really appreciate the site. My daughter, now almost 6, has been cooking with a moderately sharp, but blunt ended knife since she was two and a half. She has a careful and precise personality and I taught her how to use a knife and she uses it the same way, with great care each time. Yes, she once cut her skin enough that it bled and required a small bandaid, this is a small price to pay for the pride i see on her face when she brings her fruit salad to the table. On the other hand, I would not have given a knife at that age to her close friend who is less that one week younger. She has different skills and precisely following directions is not one of them. To me a problem with over-parenting is listening to rules about what a kid of x or y age can do rather than scaffolding responsibility and freedom to the level that your individual child can handle.
I have to agree with the lament of others though, my child, an only child, is less free because i am more comfortable with her unsupervised in a group of children rather than out by herself, at least at this age.
I wish I had a better sense of norms, We live in an urban setting. I sent her to the corner store for bread and the neighbor walked her home because she wasn’t supervised. The store is less than a block from our house and I was outside. So is it unreasonable that I would let her go to the store? I don’t feel like I even have a sense what the norms should be. This trip to the store was a new challenge for her but she handled it well but was confused by the message she got from other adults that she shouldn’t be there alone. How do others deal with that issue.
Steff: Normally what I do is thank the neighbour (it IS comforting to realize so many people out there watch out for kids), assure them my kid is able, and therefore allowed, to run a couple of errands (insert here the typical rant about how kids must learn to make themselves useful), and even offer my children for any chores they might like to get done. Washing the car, walking the dog, whatever… Who knows, maybe you just found yourself a babysitter!
As for your girl being confused, just point out to her that few children her age are as clever and mature as she is, and grown-ups are just not used to the idea. If you send her to the store often enough, they will. Make friends with the cashier, anyway; they’ll keep an eye on the girl and help in case any concerned stranger feels the urge to call CPS…
Lola, brilliant answer. The word “norms” occurred to me yesterday as I have a friend who will be relocating to the US next year with her two kids, 7 and 5, where they’ll need more supervision than they need here. I was thinking about how she could explain to them that “X was OK where we used to live, but it’s ‘not the norm’ here.”
Reminded me of when we were visiting Crystal Lake in Boston when my kids were 5 and 3. Here in our private pool, they were used to removing their swimsuits when they were finished swimming. We were surprised when a lifeguard approached us at CL and told us it was against the rules for our kids to be unclothed. What can you do? Norms…
Is it just me, or is anyone else having trouble typing a comment here? It’s just on this site for me. Takes forever for my typing to show up.
To Steff,
Wow re the neighbor walking your kid home. I do not view this as someone looking out for my kid. they are imposing their anxiety onto my kid.
I am an older mom which to me means I am less restrictive with my child than the younger moms. I let my 6 yo daughter walk to school which is 4 doors away but across one n’hood street. At her age, I walked 1 mile to school. My Mom just said – go join the other kids walking. Guess what, no kids walking now!!
The girl across the street cannot go past the corner still. At 5 she refused to enter my house or accept a drink because something bad might happen.
There have always been abductions. The recent increase is from non custodial parents. The fears out here are created by the media. period. I was raised to question the media. The news shows are there to sell their stories and create a stirr for ratings. They have succeeded. I feel for you young moms who walk around with anxiety about leaving your child at a school or outside program. I know my child is not helpless.
frankly, my daughter gets into more dangerous situations in my home than outside on her own. She got her pic in the paper for being fearless riding her bike down dirt mounds. I couldn’t be prouder. THis is normal. Just unplug yourself and pay attention, but don’t hover. Parenting is about shielding your kid from your anxiety.
Karen, re “the recent increase [in abductions] is due to non-custodial parents”. Interesting. Can anyone either confirm or deny?
Walking to school in jeopardy!
I am a parent in a walking school district in Southern New Jersey and am interested in any help I can get from the FreeRange community. Our school district is moving toward reconfiguring our three neighborhood elementary schools, each is K-6. The proposal is to reconfigure one school to K-2, the second will be 3rd and 4th grades, and the third 5th and 6th. I am on a committee charged with investigating this concept and so far the only real benefits seem to be for teachers and administrators. A major dis-benefit for parents and children is they will be forced to travel to schools beyond their neighborhoods which will result in more children being driven; even those that once walked. Plus, kids will change buildings three times during their elementary experience. Can anyone give insights from personal experience regarding such a configuration, especially demonstrated educational benefits? Lenore… are you there?
Yam Erez, on January 25th, 2010 at 4:03 pm Said:
HisFool, yes, I’ve read those gender brain studies, and I always say, fine, but why are we so invested in the differences? We know that the differences between any two individuals of the same gender are wider than those between the genders in general. So what do we get out of emphasizing the differences between the genders? What do we gain from it? Who funds this research? Is it advancing humankind?
The simple answer is it helps us understand ourselves. In an ideal world, it would be used for good, for things like changing classroom environments so boys aren’t expected to behave like girls in the classroom, and as a consequence, drugged to gain that achievement.
In our twisted world, such information would most likely be used to develop better drugs to get boys to behave like girls in the classroom.
Yesterday I witnessed my 5 year old asking a classmate if she wanted to play. The classmate said, “No, I don’t have any snowpants on”. So, my daughter asked another classmate, “Do you want to play?” and the second classmate said the same thing about not having snowpants.
OK, there was a lite dusting of snow on the ground, but hardly an inch! My daughter didn’t have snowpants on either, but that didn’t stop her. She just went and played anyway.
I was proud of her but really saddened that those other kids have been repressed so much BY AGE 5 that they don’t believe they can play without some snowpants on. That is the PARENT’S FAULT and INFLUENCE on these kids, no question.
Lucy, I’m sorry you equate sitting quietly and listening, skills that our society expects of audiences at lectures and performances, as well as worship congregants, with behaving “like a girl”. Reminding you that from the beginning of compulsory education until the 1960s, both genders were expected to behave thusly in school; this in an age when gender roles were rigid.
Today, parents want to have their cake and eat it too: They like our post-feminist world where women can be doctors and men can be nurses, but when they don’t bother to set the same behavior standards for their sons as for their daughters, they cry “Gender”! Can’t have it both ways…
Kevin, I can’t really contribute an opinion to your specific situation, but I do recall my brother saying, when all the junior highs (7th-9th) were being made into middle schools (6th-8th): “Who’s brilliant idea was this? Wonderful: Now my kids will be exposed to sex and drugs one year earlier!”
So true. Some “expert” decides (usually based on budget, not pedagogy) that X idea or method is now The Thing To Do, and everyone gleefully rallies round; rarely does the welfare of the child have a thing to do with it.
Yam, No don’t have the stats in my pocket. I am a former teacher and world traveler. I personally know of a friend whose great aunt was abducted at age 2 in the 1930s in a small town and was never found. I had a recent meeting with a couple – she in admin in special ed and he – don’t remember. They were quoting stats on abductions.
I am happy we have better ways of tracking down these criminals, especially interstate. Unfortunately people are disproprortionately afraid. YOu can’t even admire someone’s baby at the store without parents giving you a dirty look.
Yam re: Kevin : Totally agree. THis is about budgets, some administrator looking good to superiors or some pedagogue making a name with all or nothing theories. Don’t get me started on our Jr. Highs. We have really screwed over that age group.
What time zone is this site on?
I spent the last weekend with my sister and her family at a youth hostel. Youth hostels have come a long way since I travelled Europe. My sister’s room was one of 2 private rooms in a building. Both rooms shared a bathroom. In order to enter the building, you needed to enter a 6 digit code. You were then in the hallway with the bathroom. To get into the private rooms, there was a different 6 digit code to enter.
My poor sister kept complaining how unsafe it was to have to share a bathroom. While her husband was out hiking, she needed to use the restroom. Her infant daughter was asleep in her room. Rather than exiting the room (locked) and quickly using the restroom outside the door (but inside another locked door), my sister felt the need to wake her sleeping infant so she wouldn’t be left alone. When I suggested to her that there were 2 different combination locks that a potential kidnapper would need to break through before she could be kidnapped in the 2 minutes it took my sister to use the restroom, my sister replied, “I would never leave my daughter like that!” Her husband replied, “That’s child abuse. You can’t leave babies alone!”
My sister means well, but I suppose my niece will never be a “free-range kid”.
I was home alone after school beginning at 10 years old, I walked to and from school, and rode my bike everywhere! I was not everweight and hardly remember watching TV. I want the same for my kids, like others I have read here, my kids are the only ones in the neighborhood playing outside. My 6 year old son is allowed to ride his bike within a few blocks of our house. My only real concern is being hit by a car since we don’t have sidewalks. The other children his age in the neighborhood are not allowed to leave their yards and some are not allowed to leave their backyards with 6 foot fences! He is lonely after a short while out and comes back home – very frustrating that these little boys are not allowed to run and play together in our neighborhood! Glad to find this site as my husband and I sometimes feel like “are we allowing them to do too much?”
We live in a neighborhood set away from anything so for our kids to go to the store they have to walk about 2.5 miles, our 14 and 10 year walk to the store occassionally but none of their friends are allowed to go with them – sad!
Glad to find I am not alone!
Yam, wake up and smell the Ritalin. Gender differences are FACT.
I wrote this when I was pregnant with my first child last year. She’s four months old now, incredibly strong and healthy, and it’s still true.
“I am going to be a terrible parent. My child will be scraped and bruised by its physical environment and warped by the images s/he sees on the television. My son or daughter will be at risk for ADD, allergies, anxiety, autism, broken bones, contusions, depression, ezcema, fatigue, growth problems, hair loss, itching, jaundice, kotaku, lymphatic blockages, muscle sprains and strains, myopia, nosebleeds, obesity, poison ivy, oak and sumac, rashes, sore throats, tummy aches, unknowns, vomiting, worrying, xenophilia, youth and zoological disorders.
In other words, my baby is going to be just like me, and countless others of my generation who somehow managed to survive watching Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers, wearing cheap plastic diapers, toddling around in a walker (gasp), and even falling down and hitting our little heads on furniture corners and skinning our knees on tiny bikes and trikes. Yes, the cabinets will be secured and the Bad Stuff locked far away, but don’t expect to see any door guards protecting our precious snowflake from catching his or her fingers in a cheap balsawood entryway. Better the kid learn the lesson “don’t stick your hand in the way of a closing door” with a lightweight inside door than a metal car door.
To me, that’s the POINT of childhood – learning from mistakes. Yes, we all want our children to be safe and happy, but when we take away the basic ouchies and tumbles of the formative years, what experience does this developing human have to fall back on when its out on its own? And don’t tell me that you can tell explain everything when they’re older. Some things have to be learned firsthand, like “fire is hot” and “first loves will break your heart”. Without experience there is no context on which to build – what does “hot” mean to a person who has never felt heat?
That being said, the baby is going to be vaccinated for everything under the sun, and I will not worry about it, because even if the autism spectrum link were proven (which is has not), the chances of any given child out of 100 or 1000 developing an autism spectrum disorder are far, far lower than the chances of that same child contracting a nasty childhood disease that has been mutating for years, growing ever nastier in the face of our American herd immunity.
I’m sure I’ll have my crisis moments – the ones that will make me want to swaddle the kid up and put it in a rubber room to protect it, no matter how old it is – but these have to pass. I’ve seen the wages of the sin of overprotection. It’s allergies to everything from dust to food to beloved pets. It’s getting to be a junior in college and not know how to sign your own credit card receipt. It’s making it to your first job and getting fired a month later because you have no idea what responsibility is and how to take it for yourself.
Not my baby, I tell you. And I’m fine with that. My mother struck a good, fine line between watching out for me and being up my butt, and I grew up to be a decent, healthy, independent, relatively successful person who can still call Mom to talk. If I can achieve that with Blasty, I’ll call that a success. So look out world – there’s gonna be a hellraising, trailblazing new little person out there in a few months! Just try to look past the scars.”
Kelly O, I like the gist of your post, but there were a few contradictions, like (I had to look it up) Kotaku and TV, as innocent as Sesame and MisteRogers appear: They’re still passive, electronic, and played in solitude. Engaging in those would seem to put Blasty at higher risk for ADD and obesity than by playing outdoors and / or with other humans.
Also, what are “cheap plastic diapers”? As opposed to some costly brand that’s supposed to ensure that the wearer gets accepted to an Ivy League college? And why toddling in a walker when she’s got two perfectly good “walkers” of her own that the idea is she learn to use? Just askin’…
I just finished your book and was all ready to start raising some free range kids of my own (we actually already do many things you mentioned) when two kids were shot at the school less than 5 miles from my house.
As a resident of Littleton (where the Columbine shootings took place), it was hard enough to get back to normal after the first time. New policies are being instituted just like last time, and the fear hangs like a cloud over our city. It’s going to be hard to convince my kids that they are safe to walk to the grocery store on their own now.
Also, I wanted to point out that in your book, you mention wild animal dangers in relation to zoos, but you fail to mention actual wild animals (understandable, as it varies by location). I just wanted to let you know that the danger here is very real. I would love to have my child walk to school, but as it is dark when he leaves, and we have had three coyote attacks already this year, he’s left with being driven by mom.
To Randy,
Re the wild animals. This kind of thing does not mean you can’t raise your children free range. We have to give our children the tools to deal with the daily environment they face. I used to live in Denver. I used to worry about rattlers. And if I were back in MN my daughter would have to wear her snowpants every day because it is darn cold. Dangerously so. That is just daily life. We do what we can to be safe, but not get neurotic and create a helpless little citizen.
As for the shootings . . I just wish someone would stop giving our kids guns.
So, what do you suggest, sending my 7-year-old down an open area trail at 0’dark thirty? I’m all for free-range, but you have to apply some common sense as well. Maybe I should quit coddling him with bottles of water, bike helmets, and curfews when he goes out playing with his friends as well? I agree that children need tools to deal with their daily environment, but those tools shouldn’t have to include bear spray.
Unfortunately, this time it was a 32 year old man with a hunting rifle, not a kid.
…anyway, my original point was to merely point out that it was disingenuous for the author to only list zoo-related animal injuries in her book when many of us live and play daily in areas that we share with very dangerous wild animals.
I still loved the book, and agree with the premise. We are very free-range with our kids. As a matter of fact, the only task at the end of the chapters that I had trouble with was allowing your child to quit something she is not good at and does not enjoy. Not because I would consider them a failure, but because I am teaching them that if they make a commitment to a team, they need to honor that commitment. They’re welcome to not play again next season, but they will finish the season and not leave their team short-handed.
I’ve caught this strain in several conversations a few times now so I have to comment on it. Many folks begin by saying they are receptive to free range but then bring up concerns or outrage about a limited dimension of what free range means. That person is then attacked to a greater or lesser degree about whether their concern is legitimate.
I feel this misses the point. The overriding element of free range kids is not to promote an orthodoxy of pure independence for our children, it’s to agree in principle that in general the pendulum has swung way too far in favor of advocating child safety gains, however miniscule, at the expense of valuable childhood experience and subsequent maturity / creativity/ insert your pet positive adjective here.
No two parents will ever agree where the line is drawn, so intense debates over the merit of sesame street or what exact age to let your kid fight off a coyote is besides the main free range point, which is that these issues ARE each debatable and that society should not stigmatize parents who choose to make independent informed decisions on behalf of THEIR children regarding these decisions. In my mind, if you agree to that principle then you are to a useful degree in the free range camp and it’s on that broad basis that one could build a movement on which change can be accomplished.
On an illustrative side note, both my wife and I consider ourselves free range parents (now that we have a name for it). But we still have our pet areas where we just can’t get past protecting our child in practice, often in very hypocritical and contradictory ways. A case in point is my wife’s firm determination to never allow our son to play football because of all the injuries he could be subjected to, but she’s quite enthusiastic about him trying hockey. Go figure!
I love your thoughts. The things you’re talking about are a result of overly-liberal, nanny-state government. These governing types so often believe that the average person is not smart enough to realize the dangers of hot dog choking, or the bake-sale homemade terrorism. In truth, such people use scare tactics such as “safety risks” to gain more and more control over people’s lives, to *ahem* “keep us safer” *cough*.
I love your perspective. It is based in sound common sense, personal freedom, and individual intelligence. We need more of that in our country. Keep up the good work!
My preschooler has had the pleasure of visiting her grandparents for mini ‘holidays’ a couple times over the last six months, I am always amazed at her confidence and ‘I can do anything’ attitude when she comes back home. She loves the independence. In contrast, my preteen stepson is afraid to spend the night alone in his bedroom, he hasn’t slept alone at our house in months (he has stayed at his mom’s instead – she has given him their master bedroom). Sure, these are relatively brief moments in their lives, but also very telling. So the question is, once a preteen has been smothered, what is the best transition to free range? And how to best ‘free range’ your child when they are not with you 100% of the time?
I love the freerangekids idea. Just read the Sept 2009 write up in Funny Times.
When I grew up in suburban NJ in the 1950’s, I had a bicycle at age 9 and from then through high school I could ride anywhere anytime. I went away for whole days, riding through the streets (no helmets) with a dime to call home, and expanded my knowledge of where I was going. My Mom had already taken me many times to museums in NYC so I knew the trains, I could read maps, I knew to stay out of “bad” areas. As a boy scout, I also had a lot of additional skills and a good set of values. I learned alot this way. Summer camp helped as well. Rock on Lenore!
miss nic, interesting query. I’ve never been a stepparent, but perhaps the way to go is to relate to your stepson not exactly as if he was a preschooler, but perhaps as if you’re hosting him from a foreign (very foreign) country: Start out with baby steps, and progress from there, same as you did with your bio kid. By the way, re sleep issues, they’re a separate category. My 13-year-old, otherwise fearless, just began sleeping on her own 1.5 years ago. Go know…
Kids today are a lot more free-range than you seem to think. 5 years back, when I was 11, all the 6th graders took the trains and public buses to school, or walked, BY THEMSELVES. Most of them still do. They’re just two years older than the 9 year old, but the fact that they take the train every day by themselves is a complete non-issue. As a high schooler i wander around Brooklyn and Manhattan with my friends everyday until dinner–most of the people I know point blank refuse to go home until dinner at the earliest so I guess we still do the out-until-dinner thing, maybe just starting a little late. Even in Brooklyn LOTS of 3rd to 5th graders walk to elementary school by themselves, its not some wierd thing.
And to the person who mentioned the mostly unsupervised trip to Paris? My school does that twice a year, where kids can sign up to go to Europe over break, for 11 days, and spend most of the time exploring by themselves. I may do that next year if i can get up the money
I read miss nic’s post (above) and would like to advise summer camp for her stepson (who needs help gaining some independence). Overnight summer camp programs offer a great opportunity for kids to gain some independence from their parents. Without being in constant communication via cell phones, kids get to really grow their independence and resiliency skills at camp. The American Camp Association (acacamps.org) has done research on the value of the experience and published it on their website. Parents who send their kids to summer camp know the value of allowing their kids some free range time in the great outdoors! And, for kids who struggle with being away from their parents, camps offer a safe place to work through those feelings.
One day last week, I saw this on twitter: ” RT: @ModernMom Sleepovers… should you or shouldn’t you? Is it safe?” It made me want to cry. I mean, really? Sleepovers are a sacred part of childhood!
Anyway, that same day, searching for some sign that the world hadn’t gone absolutely insane, I found Free Range Kids on Amazon. Which I promptly ordered, and as of 15 minutes ago, finished.
And? I’m breathing a little easier now. My daughter’s only 11 months old, so I haven’t personally run into most of these problems yet. But, I know I will…and it’s good to know I’m not the only person left on the planet who believes kids should be allowed to be kids, not vegged out lumps.
So, thank you. I’m going to write about this book on my blog on Monday, encouraging everyone to go get their own copy. Immediately. Also, while reading, I jotted down about eleventy billion post ideas, so thanks for all the fodder!
I love this free-range concept. Lately, I’ve been trying to find ways to “free” my children & myself from the suburban minivan hell in which we live. We live 1.3 miles from school — too close for the school-bus, but a little far for my youngest to reasonably walk — or at least she thinks so. The real problem is that there are busy streets to cross that have crosswalks that are duly ignored by most of the drivers. I worry about them getting hit by some fool (as I have nearly been at those corners). No cross guards, either — cos nobody walks!!! Anybody have advice? Scorn? Ideas for civic change? There IS a city bus my kids could take, so I might encourage them to do that.
Found your book on CD at the library. It took a few weeks of errands, but I finished it – and it has absolutely changed me (and my 2 kids). I was full of fear and keeping my kids cooped up, locked down and away from all the imagined boogeymen – and none of us were better because of it.
My kids, 6 and 9, have already gone into a restaurant and ordered takeout, and today my 9-yr-old stayed home alone for half an hour – first time ever. We’ve started kids-cook-dinner once a week, and they pick the food. They are blossoming and beaming in ways I’ve never before seen – and we’ve only just begun.
Thank you, thank you, thank you – for the years of research and writing, for doing what you do, and for finding a great book title and reader. You’re the best thing that’s happened to kids in a long time – I only wish more families were following suite. I’ll be plugging your book as often and as much as I can. Meanwhile, keep up the great work!
Susannah, time for some civic lobbying and / or civil disobedience. Find some traffic cones, place them strategically in one of the offending intersections, and call your local press to alert them to what you’re doing. Then wait there for the fun to begin!
Just heard you on the radio. The URL is so clever, evocative, and relevant, I had to take a look. A quick scan and I’ve bookmarked it for later. All I can say so far is: hurray hurray hurray!
I’m proud of (almost) every scrape, cut, and bruise my little girls acquire on their fun-filled journey.
I had a very unsupervised childhood, not unlike what you promote here. Christmas Eve 1980 when I was 11, I got into an elevator at the local mall with a man who pulled his pants down and exposed himself to me. It took me years to get over.
I work with victims of abuse and my husband is a Special Victims Unit detective. I get your point about making children confident and indepent, but I think you are reckless and lacking in genuine insight in much of what you say. Best of luck to anyone who heeds your suggestions. We’ll be out here picking up the pieces after you.
@Kristen —
I am sorry some man exposed himself to you when you were younger but instead of lambasting the parents who support this type of child rearing maybe you ask yourself why your parents didn’t teach you not to ride alone on an elevator with a stranger. You should also check with your SVU husband on the statistics on the percent of abuse (of all kinds) that occur at the hands of relatives versus strangers. My brother in law in also in law enforcement so I know as well as your husband most abuse occurs at the hand of a relative than by that of a stranger.
Free range parenting is not about neglecting your children (which you imply your parents did to you) it is about teaching them safe boundaries and allowing them the freedom that comes with intelligent decision making and age appropriate skills. I have a 5 year old that can walk to her friends house (all by herself) and climb trees and do a whole host of activities that her older cousins are unable to do because either their parents are controlling helicopter parents or their kids aren’t ready yet. Every child is an individual and to group them all together is unfair. Allowing children some freedom depending on their level of confidence and ability leads to raising smart confident children not sniveling cry babies whose parents are calling their college professors when they are failing.
I heard you on NPR today, and I agree with you whole- heartedly. Most parents love their kids and no one really wants to put them in unnecessary danger , but I think irrational fear has taken over for sense and logic. I think by over protecting kids we are making them ill equipped to function in the real world. When we over sanitize, they don’t develop a good immune system. If we over supervise, they can’t make decisions for themselves. If we over shelter them from harm they can’t protect themselves when we are gone. If we teach them that everyone is a winner then they can’t deal with criticism and failure.
Success often requires taking risks. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
A parent has to teach them good judgments of risk vs. the rewards. You can’t make a child’s life 100% risk free and that’s not the goal because life is not risk free.
By over protecting children the end result will be children that grow up less than what they could be because they are unable to take risks
I do like your site, though I’m not as brave as you are. While I do try not to hover around our child, I have no problem with her playing in our back yard alone (though we do have a fence and a large dog), and encourage independence for her, I would never let her, at 5, walk alone to the park. I’m not telling anyone else that doing so is wrong, I just would not feel comfortable doing this. I live in South Florida, where people who molest and hurt children seem to flock. Twice in the past two years I have had a man follow me someplace, then park behind my car in an attempt to block me in. Once I was in front of my house, the other time was just last night, in a parking lot. Both times I was terrified, but was able to handle the situation in such as way as to avoid harm (thankfully, in the first instance the man left after I was extremely hostile to him and threatened to call 911 the other time the man got out of the way when I started my car, revved the engine, and proceeded to back out regardless of him being in the way). I’m 41, my daughter is 5 and much more vulnerable. We need to be mindful of paranoia, but we also need to be realistic. There are times to let go and times when it’s our job to protect our children; sometimes the lines get blurred and it’s hard to know which path to take. Every situation is different. I was allowed, as a child, to walk down the street alone to a friend’s house, but not to take a bus and ride around the city. Risks need to be weighed; some gambles I’m not willing to take regardless of “statistics”.
Psst…Tom. You are on a bandwagon. Think a little more.
Kristin are you implying that the FBI crime statistics that say that 90% of abuse comes at the hand of relatives or known acquaintances (30% family, 60% friends of family, babysitters and 10% strangers) are false? Or that the statistic that, “By far the most common kind of child abduction is parental child abduction and often occurs when the parents separate or begin divorce proceedings”, are untrue? If that is your implication, please provide some statistics or facts that show the FBI and CDC are incorrect. While I do not ignore the fact that there are bad people in the world, there are a great magnitude more good people. To teach children to live in fear about life is to teach children to not live at all.
THANK YOU! I heard you on an NPR program over the weekend and felt my redemption as a parent had come. Several years ago, my daughter and I moved to a suburb of a major metropolitan area from a small (pop. 5000) rural community that was my childhood home. Since our arrival, I have felt nothing but judgment from other parents on my perceived lack of parental involvement. While I feel quite the contrary! I believe in teaching my child HOW to be safe. How much of life’s lessons are missed when children are not allowed the opportunity to solves problems on their own.
In our house, privileges are earned through demonstrated responsibility. I have an expectation that rules are followed, and when I find that they are not, privileges are lost. Problem solving is a necessary life skill we are obligated as parents to impart on our children. My eleven year old knows how to wash her laundry, what to do during a power outage, cook simple dishes, what to do if she is approached by a stranger, how to dial 911 and how to get home from anywhere in the city using the metro and bus system. I don’t see these as neglect, but rather my obligation as a parent to impart valuable life skills. Don’t under estimate the intelligence of your children! TEACH them that risky behavior is a risk to their well being. Instead of sheltering them from the world, ANSWER their questions and ASK questions back of them!
Dear Mrs. Skenazy,
I just finished reading your book, and KUDOS to you. Absolutely fabulous. I kept catching myself yelling out “YES!!!” after each chapter. I am 100% a Free-Range mom, and I strive to allow my now 2.5 year old son the freedoms and adventures that I had as a kid.
In fact, my parents put me on an airplane at age 8 from Germany to Chicago (to visit relatives), from Chicago to Philadelphia (to visit more relative), and from Phily back to Germany — alone. I have such fond memories of that trip!
I never child-proofed my home; my son explored, and we talked about what he found and what he shouldn’t touch and why. We’ve never had a problem. He plays unsupervised (on another floor even!), and I don’t worry for a second. He helps with household chores because that’s the price of being part of a family.
Keep doing what you’re doing! Can’t wait for another book.
How about freerangekids from birth? I had an unassisted birth based on many of the principles I read about in the first few pages of your blog. The risks of anything happening with an undisturbed labor are less than what happens at the hospital with carefully watched timed calculated and medically managed labors. So – we opted for home – just me and the husband, it was perfect. Absolutely freaking perfect.
I also created a montessori style child bedroom for my infant where he has been sleeping on a mattress on the floor since he was 3 months (instead of a crib, oh my!). We love it – It confuses most people who hear about it and they kind of seem aghast and then shut their mouths. But, it’s wonderful. It’s free range baby!
Anyways, just discovered you, really appreciate your point of view and your collection of voices here.
Alicia, good to hear about another awesome birth (I had 3, albeit in hospital). I’m interested in what your kid’s bedroom (NOT nursery, thank you) is set up like besides the mattress. Can you describe?
FOR!
http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/?p=152
Love your book- am a huge, huge fan. GO Free Rangers!
@marymac, read AND LOVED your blog post. Way 2 Go!!!
I’m about halfway through the book and I’ve wanted to throw it across the room five or six times.
Not because the book is bad, or has bad advice, but because the anecdotes of helicopter parenting are making me so angry.
Lenore, I am for! In theory. My son is still little so we’ll see how I do in practice. I just finished your book and loved it. 2 things to share:
1. In your next edition, please include more about vaccines. You mention them briefly in the “germs” section but vaccinating our children is something MANY modern parents are terrified of. My son got all his immunizations, but it was with great hesitation as so many others were saying it is dangerous.
2. I enjoyed your book so much and I was excited to tell our pediatrician about it. We like him because he’s so hands-off–he champions chicken soup over medicine and says the best test a doctor can do to determine if a child is sick is just look at him. Very old-fashioned and laid back. I thought he’d immediately embrace the idea of Free Range Kids. So I started talking about how you let Izzy on the subway at 9-years-old (we live n Manhattan too). My doctor blanched. “Nine? But there are crazies out there!” This from the doctor I chose because he is non-alarmist. I was so surprised by his reaction that all I could think of to say was, “Well, have you ever spent time in San Francisco…their crazies are way worse than in New York.”
Keep spreading the word!
I’m 22 and I won’t have kids soon. Probably. That I know about.
Despite my age, I was a free-range kid. I find that I’m more independent and capable of solving real-life problems than many of my peers, who were not free-range. They simply don’t know how to adjust to new situations and circumstances.
Oh, and I’m not dead or kidnapped either.
Healthy for chickens, healthy for kids!
Our son, who is just shy of a year, likes to climb to the top of our couch and bang on the wall. My partner (who is a stay-at-home dad) lets him do it and just watches him to make sure he doesn’t fall off. My parents tell me I had amazing balance as an infant and toddler, and loved to climb on things. They used to catch a lot of flack for letting me do it.
I’m looking forward to raising my son in a free-range, gender neutral environment, where he can learn valuable life skills, develop into his own person through his own choices and wants, and become a happy, independent adult someday 🙂
I took my 3 boys to a suburban park today to enjoy the beautiful spring weather. We ended up at a big pond, where the boys proceeded to wade into the water, slip on the mud at the edges, and engage in an impromptu mud-sliding, water splashing time. They ended up wet and mud-soaked from head to toe. In the course of watching this (along with my teenage niece and adult nephew), I had two separate men walk by and make comments to the effect that I shouldn’t be letting them play in the water. One was accompanied by three little boys, and told them (but within my earshot), “We don’t want to play in the water, it’s dirty.” Another man, without kids, came up to me and said he’d been to many other countries and water often had disease and malaria. I said I didn’t think there was much malaria around here (Oregon). He said there could be other diseases. I said I’d never heard of anyone getting sick from playing in a pond, so long as you don’t drink the water. He wandered off, still muttering. I figure the worst that could happen from playing in the mud of a pond in a public park is you could possibly get diarrhea or maybe (remotely) worms, and then only if you drank some. Actually, I was more worried about them possibly stepping on a bottle or something under the surface, although the area was very clean. Anyway, just another example, in my mind, of people not letting their kids enjoy a fun time because of the remote possibility of some unspecified harm.
I have been very vocal with my friends about “Free Range Kids” and parents that do or do not “hover.”
According to your ideals, I am a true “hoverer.” Of course, my child is two.
Just recently, I allowed my two year old to walk away from me at a small pizza joint. There are “driving” video games that she LOVES to play, but we are usually too busy to allow her to do so. This day, she had finished eating before my husband and I had. So, I allowed it. The restaurant wasn’t busy, the video game wasn’t in my line of sight. I let my two year old out of my sight! It was liberating. Trusting her to go to the video game, and come back if she needed me was freeing in only the most amazingly positive way. I trust my daughter! I really do, and your blog has helped me realize just exactly how much.
Thank you.
I guess I’m trying to say, that I appreciate what you are doing and while obviously my two year old isn’t ready to ride the subway, she is ready to figure out life with gentle guidance from me.
Without your blog, I’d be hover hover hovering all the time, probably until after she got married…and maybe even then some. However, now I’m realizing that a more relaxed attitude won’t beget a dangerous situation, but a more confident child able to handle herself in situations she may not have been in before.
Hi Lenore,
I’ve been reading a lot of your stories and I am definitely a supporter. From Finnish perspective the stories you publish from US and UK seem pretty unreal. The “protect your kid from the world and himself” movement and scaring and keeping inside culture is not that bad here but the change is there, however. The same effect of big headlines of any incidents (as there was a baby taken from a pram outside a house just a while ago in Finland) and how people are intimidated with those issues is very similar. (the baby in question was found in snow nearby, survived, and the guilty party was found out to be a 12-year-old kid, no child molester..).
I recently started my own blog on Finnish perspective as we still value playing outside quite a lot but the more people live in cities the more they are afraid and limit their kids (especially as the parents come from smaller cities and villages..).
What happened right after I started analysing the situation – my 3-year-old got a severe pneumonia and spent over a week on ICU. Gave a new perspective I must say :). Now I sort of got more interested into how our minds are constructed as parents and what are all the things affecting our opinions on these things. Because, after getting my kid out of hospital I was paranoid as heck and thought there was the end of my free range :). But it only took a month and I am coming back normal.. so there is something more than one experience or headline, in our attitudes and our own environment.
But now that I try to analyse that myself, I thought it would be fun see your opinions on the matter. Not just what makes our mind on what we are afraid and not but also on how parents get over bad experiences. Because that is one thing – our own or our friends scary moments and experiences – that either calm us down or put gas on flames, right? Peer pressure…
Well there was some mind flow with no planning, sorry for the mess :). Hope you got ideas, sorry if I just wasted everyones time :D.
BR,
Working Mom in Finland
Jessica. You’re off to a good start. I esp. like “gender-neutral”. Good going.
Finally! Thank you, Laura. So tired of helicopter parents! Kids are much better off if they learn to be independent.
Hi Lenore,
I was telling my wife about your little movement, and she was baffled. She grew up in Japan, and she told me that in most suburban and rural schools there, parents are not allowed to drive their children to Elementary School. Kids – starting at the age of 6 – *have*to* walk to school.
Of course, Japan being Japan, it’s all very organized. Each elementary school sets up groups of 5 to 10 children who live very near each other. The oldest kid in the group – age 12 or 13 – is appointed “Captain” and the second-oldest “Vice-Captain”. The captain takes responsibility for the group and walks first. The other kids walk in a line behind him or her, and the Vice-Captain walks last.
The captain is given a precise schedule and a route that he *has* to stick to. The route isn’t necessarily the shortest one to school. Instead, the school tries to pick the route that’s safest in the sense of having the most shops and “eyeballs” on it. The school organizes shop-owners and neighbors along the route to act as a kind of “neighborhood watch” and the kids all know which shops and houses they can go into for help in case of an emergency.
Come to think of it, it doesn’t sound very “free range” but it’s a great way of building a sense of self-reliance and groups of neighborhood friends, as well as for helping kids make friends with slightly older and younger kids. For instance, at each school’s “Sports Day” event – a big national even in Japan – most of the competitions pit one classroom against another in the same age group, but traditionally they also do a “school walk relay race” where kids of different ages can come together compete as members of their little walk-to-school group.
When they’re small, kids look forward to one day growing up to be vice-captain and captain of their school walk, and take pride in it when they do. By then, they’ve been doing the walk for years and know the people along the route by sight and name. It’s, when you think about it, extremely safe. And it’s yet another check against lateness and truancy: if you’re late, it’s your neighbors you are holding up.
I think it’s a really cool solution to the problem, though it probably would never in a million years work out here. Imagine telling suburban parents in America that they are *not*allowed* to drive their kids to school, even when it rains? There’d be riots…
I would like to thank everyone for there input. I have been providing the skills my daughter needs in order to function as a individual since she was little. I may not let her take the subway (we dont have one here). but if i she needed that skill she would have it. A big part of my direction actually came from her mothers lack of maternal skills and my own belief that i could teach my daughter how to take care of herself responsibly easier then teaching her mother how to be a mother. My daughter is a great person and has recently started volunteering for a kindergarden class during her lunch recess! While she did consult me about this idea, i left the choice up to her. All these parents that create a bubble for there children are simply delaying their childrin from becoming in individual until later in life. Thank you for providing a source that backs my personal beliefs and i am glad i stumbled across it.
Frank, this idea is mega-cool, but the reason American parents would resist is not only the No Driving Kids to School rule (that could be surpassed by making the whole thing voluntary), but because Americans are suspicious of anything that echoes Communism or “group-think”. However, no reason groups of like-minded parents couldn’t organize something along those lines…
Kudos Lenore!!! I have to admit I was this-close-to being a freaked out helicopter parent when I found out that I was pregnant with my son at 38. I live in Romania and as a Canadian expat, I was aware of how ‘import’, nay vital, child proofing, gymboree, piano lessons and constant stimulation are to acheiving that Harvard education. My big fear was that my child was going to be at a disadvantage when we return to Canada because he will have missed out on all this. What a terrible mother I am to deprive him, but you know what? My son is four and he can climb a tree, speaks three languages, hammer a nail without hurting himself, he knows to tell me that there is a knife within his reach that I should remove, has never caught his fingers in doors,he loves to play outside with his friends in the front of the apartment building – they play with sticks, rocks and toys, but most importantly with their IMAGINATIONS!!!! My fears that he was disadvantaged relative to his Canadian peers were completely allayed when we went home and met my mom’s friends grandson who is the epitome of NOT free range – pallid little kid who sits in front of disney dvd’s when he is not in an indoor play area or organized activities – he can recite entire scenes from Cars, but my son knows why he has a belly button. So all in all, I think raising him in a disadvantaged country is really to his advantage!! Thank you for letting me go on and on!!
Yam Erez,
You are right, of course. It’s a very Japanese thing, this way of organizing a community. Encouraging group-think is a *goal* for Japanese schools. It’s one of those deep deep culture differences.
Personally, I think there’s something positive about it, though. Group-think is just another way of saying “being accountable to your peers.” If a kid is late to school in America, he gets in trouble *with the teacher*. If a kid is late to school in Japan, he’s in trouble *with his School Walk friends*! Where do you think there is more tardiness, here or there?
Could a group of like-minded parents organize it voluntarily in the US?
I think it’d be hard, because the system only really works if EVERYBODY is doing it – there are probably only 5-10 kids living within walking distance of each other *and* of their school at any given time, and if all of them aren’t forced to participate, you’d probably have a hard time finding enough kids to really make it work.
But maybe for a few tight nit parent groups in a few places, School Walk is a viable thing. I’d love to try to organize it…
(our baby is still in the womb, though, so we have a while to wait before it’s an issue!)
Frank, thanks for sharing so much detail about school children in Japan. My field is mental health and I recently read that the statistics regarding the percentage of people in a population who are Sociopaths with anti social persoanlity disorders (serial killers, pathological sex offenders, Bernie Madoff’s) is about 4 percent of the population worldwide according to Martha Stout who wrote The Sociopath Next Door. However, cultures like China and Japan range from .03 per cent to .14 percent because these cultures focus much more on community responsibility and support. America has the highest rate and is apparently growing because the negative side of our emphasis on individual efforts allows greater opportunity for the growth of a sociopath. The serial killer types are usually those with terrible childhoods, but the other types like Bernie Madoff’s are raised in good families. We in America are so afraid that if we have strong community support and help we are somehow socialist.
So my kids live too far away from school to walk. The school bus seems like such a waste of time. I walked to school my whole life and would like my kids to do so. Is there a middle ground? Like drop them off a few blocks away? Or let them walk to the park after school and play until I pick them up? What do other parents do in this situation?
Why do women with kids expect others to babysit for “just a few minutes” like the lady who was going to leave her kid with the librarian? The librarian has a job to do and could be distracted or called away. She is not being paid to watch your kid even for one second! Even though she may not mind she cannot take on the responsiblility of watching your child. So don’t expect it or get bent out of shape because she won’t!
My husband and I are polar opposites on this point. We have discussed our feelings and theories and believe a balanced lifestyle for our children is best. I give a little and he gives a little.
I was very proud of him the other day when my 3-year-old pulled her slide underneath our cherry tree, jumped off of it, grabbed onto a branch, swung for a minute, and then jumped to the ground. He wanted to tell her that it was not safe. Instead, he inhaled went about his business. He is also allowing her to walk down the street without holding onto her hand.
On my side, I do not let her play on our exercise ball in the house for fear that she might hit a corner with her head.
It works for us now. I wonder what will happen as they get older.
I’m strongly infavor of free range parenting for a number of reasons, the most prominent being: I believe it makes your child safer.
No matter how how hard you try, you can’t be with your child every second of the day. or antipate every possible hazard they may encounter. Violence and accidents occur randomly and sporadically, so a constant state of hyper vigilance really isn’t very effective at preventing them.
A much better approach is to make your kid aware, empowered and self sufficient. Teach them how to cross roads, evade strangers, deal with electricity and make smart decisions. Lay down rules that make sense and that actually materially improve safety (like wearing helmets and walking bikes across busy streets). But let your kid be the captain of her own life. She is the only who can be there every minute, so she is the one with the best chance of keeping herself safe. Also, too much coddling and protecting will cause you to wind up with a young adult with no sense of responsibility or consequences, at a stage in life when the consequences of irresponsible action can be pretty hard to bear.
Today I was eating lunch at Crispers with my sister and sister-in-law when it dawned on me that my 3rd grader was waiting at the bus stop for me. My sister and sister-in-law started laughing at me for believing Chloe would be all right and then my sister-in-law who is WAY more protective, paranoid, hovering or helicoptering over me did blurt out, “Well, I’m telling you Annie’s kids could survive out in the woods! My kids wouldn’t know what to do, but hers, well they’d find something to eat and make it work!” I’ll take that as a compliment.
Actually, La Rosser, your post reminded me of a conversation I sat in on yesterday between two parents of third graders about keeping them Web safe. I thought, “Nowadays, parents not only have to pre-view every movie released and every TV show on the air, they have to surf the Web and locate every porn site their kids might surf into. You’d need a full-team team of slaves to do this.”
Seems to me no matter how many Parent Blockades and lockdowns you install, something’s gonna slip through. The most innocent search, as we can all attest to, can land you in undisputable Raw Pornland.
The Free Range approach would presumably be to talk to your kids and explain dangers and consequences. But…porn? I can’t even imagine this conversation: “There are sites that are bad and damaging for us to look at. Uh, you’ll know ’em when you see ’em…” ??? What do folks say would be a common-sense approach to online porn?
I don’t know what you do if the teen has his/her own computer. When mine were teens we all shared one computer. When one of the boys did seek porn sites we knew pretty quickly because we started getting new pornish spam. We checked the history and low and behold, the sites he went on made us blush. We told him if he surfed those sites again, we would put a password on the computer and he could only use it for homework. Then we searched and found a good book which I can’t remember the title of, that had information about sex in an age appriate way. We also talked to him about sex not being bad, but that a lot of porn was abusive to women, plus talking to him about the importance of caring for the person you are having sex with, and safe sex. We used it as an opportunity to educate.
Good going, Helynna, but how would one re-tool that approach for an eight-year-old?
Yam, I would essentially do the same thing but scale back the information to what is age appropriate for an eight year old. Also, if that eight year old had already been surfing the porn sites they would already have a visual of the physical side. I would approach it in a way of satisfying more of the child’s curiosity about sex and not be punishing, except to say the same as to an older child, that computer work would be restricted if it continued. One thing I didn’t add to the other post is that there has been a lot of research on the impact of watching lots and lots of porn and it becomes very addictive, especially the earlier they start. I would show even an eight year old that research. A side benefit is that both my kids are really good researchers and readers because whenever I needed fact backup for what I was saying they should or shouldn’t do, together we researched it.
Sadly, where is the line drawn? A little 9 year old girl in Mount Prospect, Illinois, was getting out of her parents car in their driveway after they went out of dinner. The parents went inside the house, as the little girl was in her front yard. chasing a cat who hid under the stairs of her front porch. A 18 yr old neighbor came over to help her get the cat. Moments later he sexually assaulted her.
Now the little girl, goes to my nieces school. Her parents went to school with us. Believe me when I tell you, a group of fathers wanted to seriously hurt this POS.
I wanted to tell you, that I am not totally against your concept. Growing up in my younger pre teen days, I lived in Chicago. We cut through alley ways, backyards, parks, and train tracks. We were reckless. We would ride our bikes under a tunnel, that led to the back of local businesses. We climbed onto the tracks to place pennies, dimes, and quarters on the tracks. We spent hours in the spring, summer at the local park unattended.
I still say the porn industry, the sex fiends, and predators are worse than in 1970/1980 something. We can complain all we want about over protected parents. But back then, even with all our freedoms, I still complained that my boundaries were too strict.
We have one major role in parenting. Get them through their early years alive by providing the tools. And don’t be surprised that they let you down now and then. Kids are not perfect, and they will test the limits that might or might not be a risk.
Take it from a mom that experienced both sides. It will suck the life out of you if you expected more, and they almost died, or worse, sold into slavery.
It happens. 5000 women went missing after traveling to South Korea ALONE in 2009.
We (our 2-year-old and I) were in a store not long ago. I was paying for my purchase and she was about 10 feet from me looking at whatever had caught her eye. The cashier gave me a dirty look and rolled her eyes toward the “All children must be supervised” sign on the wall.
I just nodded and said, “I can see her from here.”
I love this website! I kept thinking to myself, “Why aren’t kids being let to walk around and play by themselves like I did when I was growing up?” And the response that I got when I asked other parents was/is always the same: “It’s not safe annymore!” And then a look like I was incredibly stupid. But wait, kids were kidnapped, abused, molested even when I was growing up! So what’s the big difference now? I decided to stop caring what other people think and just start using common sense.
My older son just started middle school (4th grade) in September. The school is about 3 blocks from our house. I leave at 6 am for work and he doesn’t start school till 7:40. He had been going to a babysitter until the start of the school year but when school started I figured he could take care of himself for 1 1/2 hours before school and 1/2 hour after school till his dad gets home. And guess what? It’s now April and he has made it to school on time every day except once, stayed home alone on snow days, vacation days and half days and he hasn’t been killed, kidnapped, or maimed in any way. He also hasn’t burnt the house down, cut himself making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or accidentally nuked himself in the microwave. From now on when people tell me how “unsafe” it is to leave a 10-year-old home alone I will refer them to this website.
After hearing about attachment parenting, helicopter parenting, multiples parenting, etc I am so happy to see a style as close to my own. I have a daughter almost 2 so there is only so much you can do with free-range at this age. My family and friends are amazed how well she gets around with no stroller. I just tell her to whole my hand walk down city streets together. She is naturally afraid of cars and understands the sidewalk versus the street already. She spends 2 + more hours outside in the backyard while I am outside with her so many feet away doing gardening, chores outside. or artwork. These kids are so much smarter than we will ever think.
After hearing about attachment parenting, helicopter parenting, multiples parenting, etc I am so happy to see a style as close to my own. I have a daughter almost 2 so there is only so much you can do with free-range at this age. My family and friends are amazed how well she gets around with no stroller. I just tell her to whole my hand walk down city streets together. She is naturally afraid of cars and understands the sidewalk versus the street already. She spends 2 + more hours outside in the backyard while I am outside with her so many feet away doing gardening, chores outside. or artwork. These kids are so much smarter than we will ever think.
Sorry about the duplicate this site keep saying this post was duplicated when it wasn’t so I thought maybe there was someone else with my name, you may want to fix that.
I have a very busy life, 2 jobs, school full time, and many other activities. Oh, and I have 4 children. People ask me all the time how I can do all the things that I do. I tell them that I am a horrible parent!!! I apparently have Free-Range Children. I have never known what to call myself until now; I guess I am a free-range mother. My children have been raised to be independent, self-reliant kids because I taught them how to be. I taught them how to cook — with a gas stove — and by the time they were 10, they knew how to cook with the stove, oven, and microwave. They also cook for the family one or two nights a week. I taught them how to walk. And then let them walk to school and home from school. Every day. My 16-year-old walks about 5 miles every day to and from her friends’ homes, and she has done since she was about 12 and her friends started being further away than down the street. They started babysitting at 10 or 11, and were left alone even earlier. My oldest daughter got married 3 weeks after she turned 18!!! Oh, the horror… When asked how I could “allow” my adult daughter make this adult choice with no apparent reason (I still don’t have any grandchildren…), I replied, simply, “I raised my children to be adults; she is an adult.”
I read an article in Women’s Day that quoted your philosophy, and I couldn’t find your blog fast enough. Thank you for echoing the voice of reason that I have had in my head for 19 years.
Nothing stunts the growth of any living thing more than unnecessary assistance; chicks helped out of the shell die, trees supported by braces fall, and plants sheltered from weather wither. Children must be allowed to try and, heaven forbid, fail! Failure is just another thing you have to teach them. How can you teach them to deal with failure if they never face it? How can you teach them to handle sorrow if they have no idea what it is?
Whenever I hear of people naysaying my way of raising my children, assigning it some horrible value, I always counter — Are you raising your children to be adults? Or are you raising your children to be forever children?
Me? I want my children to be stronger, wiser, and reach greater goals than they can currently imagine. And they will NEVER do that if I don’t teach them how to be strong, independent, and able to fix their own problems.
Andrea, I think I love you. Awesome. That’s what I’m trying to do, too. I have reluctant children sometimes, but dammit, they WILL know how to wash their own clothes, their own dishes, clean their own house and cook their own food.
I am very much FOR Free Range Kids.
Kimmy, I dunno. This contains all the elements of an urban legend: “A little 9 year old girl” > what happened to just “a nine-year-old”? Isn’t that little enough? “the little girl [she’s still little!] goes to my niece’s school” > ahhh… your niece’s school…uh-huh…(and what’s a POS)? Something of Satan? And what age is exactly “younger pre-teen”? As opposed to just “pre-teen”? Now we have sub-sub-age groups?
And what does this story prove? Not to let our nine-year-olds outdoors unsupervised? Because the whole story could’ve been telescoped into “A nine-year-old was playing outside her home…” Do the circumstances (having eaten out; chasing the cat) matter? No, they’re just in there to give it homey local color that middle-class folks (just like us!) can relate to. Please…this is so transparent.
Originally from Britain we brought up our 3 daughters up on a kibbutz (closed community) in Northern Israel on the borders of Jordan and Syria. Our kids were able to go to the nearby school by bike.
When our youngest daughter was 10 she went with a friend by public bus to a town 40 kms away where she was to be met by the mother of their friend. Must admit we were nervous (pre-mobile phone days) and inspite of instructions and assisted by the bus driver the mother meeting them was at the incorrect bus stop, but all ended well.
At the age of 12 this daughter’s birthday gift was to travel alone to visit her grandparents in England. Obviously the airline took care of her, but this was her birthday request .
Since completing army service she travelled & worked in Australia and New Zealand. She travelled alone meeting up with friends and family around the Far East.
I am pleased to say at 25 she is a student here in Israel where she shares a flat. She does spend some of her vacations in Europe or USA working to have money for her studies.
By the way she is financially independent with no student loans and finances her studies from earnings made during the 2 years she took off to work and travel.
I remember with great joy playing in the streets when we were children and although I know that there are dangers and bad people, children have to have their independence. I fondly remember my dad putting an old wooden crate on wheels and this was our go-kart and skipping with friends or playing tennis against a brick wall – never remember going to the ER with cuts or bruises.
Take it from a mom that experienced both sides. It will suck the life out of you if you expected more, and they almost died, or worse, sold into slavery.
It happens. 5000 women went missing after traveling to South Korea ALONE in 2009.
Link or it didn’t happen. (Oh wait. It didn’t happen. South Korea is one of the places sex slaves *come from*. They’re not busy importing them from the US – and if they were, it’d be all over the news, I wouldn’t be reading about it in comments over at FRK!)
I’m for Free Range Kids, but news clips like this one fuel for the “what if” flames: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2010/04/05/dnt.easter.abduction.attempt.wsfa?hpt=C2.
GC, And sadly, that church community that experienced the close call kidnapping won’t take the opportunity to start a self defense and safety response for kids in the community. They will just keep talking about how scarry the world is today and the kids will get more frightened. The least they could do would be to emphasize how clever the kids were to get away.
Hey, Ilana, nice to meet another Israeli! We’re on the Jordanian border too — Ketura. How about you? My eldest started the army in October. Write me at nrho@actcom.co.il.
Totally FOR.. there is no other way to raise your kids if you want them to be independent successful adults.
I was raised with a lit of independence, playing outside all over the neighborhood for hours on end, walking and biking to school by myself, and going to the grocery store a few blocks over all at a very young age.
We just last year became the parents of 4 great kids, and we are slowly getting them used to their freedoms, going to check if the neighborhood kids are home (few houses over) playing in the creek and pond next to the house (yes, they can swim, even with their clothes on) and just in general be kids and learn how to be responsible and how the world around them works.
This website has given us great confidence that what we are doing is right, even at this day and age.
We were raised with lots of freedom and we’ve been very successful adults, I want to give my kids that same confidence and ability to handle the world around them as was instilled in me.
I recently came across this site, began reading, and was astounded. I can’t believe that “free-range” parenting is a movement. I thought it was the way it was always done. Maybe this is news to me because I was raised, and raise my kid, in Alaska. Here, we are all “free-range”. When mommy can’t get the car un-buried, kids bundle up and walk to school, even if it’s a mile. We don’t get snow days, or we would never learn anything. We stock up and we don’t worry because we have learned that most things are out of our control. When the power goes out, and the internet and cable cut off, you make do. And kids know better than anyone how to entertain themselves, and us. When you only get 4 hours a day of sunshine, you take advantage, no matter how busy mom is. Bad weather makes simple tasks daunting. I don’t have time to watch my child every second. And my child NEEDS to learn to do for herself . My 4 year-old once reminded me to use a blanket for traction as i screamed at the car to move, please. I remember one occasion, we had a particularly nasty blizzard, and I was stuck in a ditch on the opposite side of town from my daughters daycare. I called a friend, who wasn’t on the approved list, to retrieve my daughter. My daughter’s day care released her to a stranger with no car seat. Gasp!!! They tried to call me to verify, but I was too busy shoveling to answer. We understand that things happen and you have to improvise. We still stop and help strangers, even when we have our kids with us. Yes, there is a possibility that the stranger down on his/her luck could hurt us. But they are usually so thankful to be out of the snow that they don’t. I can live with the very remote chance of them trying to hurt me better than I can live with the very real reality of what will happen to that person if I don’t help. And I am teaching that to my child. In Alaska, we learn to do many things, even the basics that modern society takes for granted, for ourselves. But we also learn the value of community. My daughter knows how to stay warm, how to feed herself, and how to get help. I am just thankful I live in a place where it is still legal and socially acceptable to help.
Did anyone watch The Colbert Report last night? “Tonight on the report we address every parent’s worst nightmare; the nighmare somebody is trying to hurt your child. The world is so full of predators and preverts and congressmen” 😀
I grew up in a city that is regularly listed in the top ten in the U.S. for homicide and strongly in the top 20 for other violent crime. When I was a kid I never got the sense that my parents were overly concerned about my whereabouts or if I was in any real danger. I now live in a rural area where I raised my two boys who have now reached adulthood themselves. Living in this safe, virtually crime free rural region, I never really felt 100% comfortable with my own kid’s safety. Yet, when my wife and I left my then toddler son to visit with my elderly aunt in the very same city that I grew up in, I never felt more comfortable for his safety. During this time my rural born and raised wife was panic stricken.
So why the difference? I personally think there are a couple factors to consider. One, more eyes in the urban setting. While violent crime may be more prevalent in cities, most of it is not random. If someone were looking to randomly kill or abduct an innocent child they most likely wouldn’t try to pull off such a feat while under the scrutiny of so many others. However, in the rural setting one could get away with such a horrific crime virtually unnoticed. Two, training. As city children, we were drilled regularly on the hazards that surrounded us. We were taught “street sense”. One day when I was in first grade I had a guy drive up to me and attempt to lure me into his vehicle while I was on my way home from school. I knew exactly what to do. I was able to return to the school and pass along a vehicle description to the nearest teacher and no harm came to me or any of my fellow students. There were also enough other people around that only a fool would have tried to forcibly abduct me (justifying my first point). On the rural side of the coin, I never really tried to teach my kids street sense, nor do I recall them ever discussing being drilled about such hazards in school. I think we rural dwellers have become so complacent with our own safety that we don’t drive the point home with our children that there are some really bad people out there, at least not until we hear a news report of a suspected child abductor or random murder in a neighboring town.
So, would I let my nine year old ride alone on the city subway? Hard to say for certain, but I think I might consider it. Would I let him walk two miles alone on a moderately travelled rural road with hardly any homes? No problem if the road is predominantly travelled by locals, but if the road sees all types of thru traffic, probably not. Free range is great, but as with everything else in life, it comes with caveats. I think the real discussion should be free range coupled with common sense.
Free range is using common sense.
Scott H, welcome!
“Free range is great, but as with everything else in life, it comes with caveats. I think the real discussion should be free range coupled with common sense.”
That’s *exactly* what it is. Not every person’s locale is going to be exactly the same – there will be unique aspects. Common sense says to teach to those aspects without succumbing to the Nancy Graces of the world telling us that our children are doomed.
Wonderful! The saddest part is that sites and books like these are necessary. I’m lucky, and live in a community neighbourhood now, and lived in the country before. My boy (he’s 6) goes out to find his friends (30 kids under 14 on the block), and comes back later. He has a fort under the front bushes, booby trapped for invaders. He’s not walking to school by himself yet, as I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get there; too many interesting things to do on the way… But he will soon. In the country, age 2 – 5, he played in the woods ‘unsupervised’ (I could hear him, but he didn’t know that) for hours. I want him to grow up responsible, knowing consequences, and free from fear. So far, so good. I think part of good parenting is to keep your own fear, so often unreasonable, but powerful all the same, under control. Parenting may be an open wound, but we can’t infect our children with it.
Trying to raise some free-range duaghters, in the security conscious world of sometimes being posted — with my family — as an official US employee in places where Americans can still be seen as targets.
But sometimes its hard to fight the security conscious types here. Tomorrow is take your children to work day — and here’s the official memo:
“Parents are cautioned to be mindful of the safety of their children and limit their exposure at work to job-shadowing which could include: permitting the young observers to attend a meeting, encouraging them to interview office workers (who volunteer) about their jobs, demonstrating use of special equipment (not including equipment which could be harmful such as paper shredders, cutters or STAPLERS), and allowing them to participate in hands-on activities appropriate to age and skill levels. ” (Block capitals mine.)
Don’t know what else to say — other than participation in limited to 9-15 year olds. Staplers, huh?
Denise
Hi there Lenore!
I write to you from Masterton, New Zealand, a town of 17,000 people in a small country in the south pacific.
My husband Nic and I made the decision to raise our 9 year old girl/boy twins as free-range kids from the very start. I feel this is one of the biggest gifts we can give our children. The confidence to strike out on their own, knowing themselves to be independent, competent _individuals_ will see them succeed in later life, finding their own path to happiness.
My own generation of Kiwis (I’m 35) were raised to go out to play and come home when we were hungry. We rode our bikes the the pools, to the shops and to school. We went home with other kids after school or had friends over without the need for a symposium of the neighbourhood parents, a simple phone call from Jane’s house was sufficient.
Then something happened, I don’t know what, that changed the way we parented our kids. Suddenly, mothers were driving their kids everywhere! Heaven forbid that they should be left alone for more than a minute!
It’s utter madness! Are we going to supervise them every day of their lives? This is insane, and I firmly believe it’s hurting our children, damaging them, teaching them they are incompetent and that the world is dangerous and being alone is something to be feared.
New Zealand is not a particularly dangerous place, no more so than any other 1st world country, nor is it any more or any less dangerous now than it was 30 years ago when I was a child, but somehow parents have got this idea that the world is so much more dangerous for our children than it was for us. This is total nonsense.
There are no more paedophiles than there were 30 years ago, and contrary to popular belief, there isn’t one behind every tree. Not every man walking down the street is a sicko pervert, he’s most likely an average, normal chap who is merely walking down the street. He is NOT planning to molest every child he says hello to as he passes.
The only difference between the world of today and the one I grew up in, as far as paedophile danger is concerned, is that we are now MORE AWARE that there are perverts in our communities. I believe this actually makes our children safer, forewarned is forearmed! Now if a child is approached or harmed we talk about it, we warn others and we head straight for the police station, ensuring that the pervert concerned is stopped before he harms anyone else. This is a good thing, a situation that should inspire parents to confidence in allowing their children to grow to independence and competence.
Now that our children are 9 we allow them to take themselves to the movies, the pool, and friends houses (providing they live reasonably close by, traffic being a concern). We go to town on a Saturday morning, allowing the kids to go to the stores they wish to visit and meet at a pre-arranged time and place.
So far our children have been worthy of the trust we place in them and in which they take pride. They feel confident in their ability to care for themselves and each other.
Allowing our children such freedoms shows them that we trust and respect them, that we are proud of their abilities and have confidence in their sense of right and wrong.
I’m proud to be a free range parent and feel I’m doing what’s right for them and their future.
Best regards,
Kathryn.
Today I heard a story about my daughter that shows why our kids need to be free range. My daughter and husband were in Nicaragua on a trip with our church. The group got dropped off and had a couple of hours to wonder. My husband and daughter got lost. My husband was trying not to let our daughter know that they were lost, but she asked and he told her that they were lost. Her response “Awesome, I wanted to get lost in a foreign country!” We did not know about her dream and goal of getting lost, but she saw it as an adventure. Since that time she has joined the Navy and off to see the world. She was free range kid, who learned the she could take care of herself, use her skills to get out of a pickle and the world was there to be discovered. This happened a few years ago and I just heard about it. I know that she will have a adventure filled life and I am glad.
I have been thinking all day as to what to write. I will start with the fact that I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I work children and adults. I am worried that the children who are not allowed to play and explore will suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and wind up on medication. When children have a situation that produces anxiety (getting lost, getting bumps and bruises) and they can solve the problem they learn that they can overcome anxiety and depend on themselves. Toddlers do this when they are with a parent in new place. They will touch base with the parent, explore, touch base, explore a little farther and so on. They are learning that they can face their fear of being away from the parent. All children need to be able to go through this process. If they don’t learn it as a child, they may experience a situation/problem and not be able to move from the anxiety to problem solving. We need to teach our children to be self reliant adults, and that means they need to experience struggles and finding solutions.
When my son had his driver’s permit, I took him driving and got him lost. I told him to get us home. He could stop and ask directions from anyone, but he could not ask me for help. He got us home and now drives all over. He is not afraid of getting lost, because he experienced getting lost and the joy of finding his way home. I hope all children can experience the joy of “getting their way home” and that less adults wind up in my office with fears that the world is a scary place. So parents, please for your children’s sake, let them experience life, its ups and downs, its skinned knees, and its adventures or as Maude said in the movie Harold and Maude… Reach out, Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Live! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.
Hi there 🙂
I consider my son to be mostly free-range. He’s 8 years old (today!), but he’s autistic and is more like 6-7 functionally. He’s high-functioning, though, so I like to give him opportunities to be independant and be as “free range” as I feel comfortable with at this time, lol.
He’s been allowed to ride his bike around the neighborhood on his own (not crossing the street) for a few years now. I have left him home alone for short 10-15 minute stints a few times to give him that feeling of independance. He uses knives while helping me cook and I’m thinking about getting him a swiss army knife soon 🙂
But I have a story to share. This happened two weeks ago, give or take, and I am still upset and enraged by it, as you will undoubteby be able to tell, lol.
My son and I had to make a quick stop at the mall. I needed to pick up some shoes at the cobbler-place after they adjusted them for me. I found a parking space 6-7 cars from the front of the store and decided to ask my son if he wanted to come with me or stay in the car. The store has an entirely glass front and the entrance is not via the mall, so I was in his line of sight the whole time. He chose to stay in the car. I cracked the window, made sure he remembered he had a bottle of water next to him and locked the doors. I walked 6 cars away, went into the store, grabbed my shoes and was back to my car in 3-4 minutes. I know it was under 5 minutes for a fact.
In those brief, fiew minutes, a mall cop had parked behind my car, with the 7 year old kid happily sitting in the back seat, reading his book. I got in my car, figuring he’d move, and tried to start my car. It wouldn’t start, and that’s why I knew I had been gone less than 5 minutes, because my car has this weird mechanical problem that if you stop the engine, it won’t start again for 5 minutes. Regardless, the mall cop wouldn’t move.
A few moments later, a real police officer came walking towards my car and rapped on my window. I opened the door to see what he wanted.
I was then informed that I had illegally left my child unattended in my car and I needed to give him my license. I got out, flustered and upset, because I thought the law was 6 years and younger couldn’t be left alone and my kid was two weeks away from being 8. The mall cop came over and the two of them proceeded to harass me, telling me I was a horrible mother, that they could take my child away from me if they wanted. They wrote my driver’s license number and license plate number down, made some more disparaging remarks about my character and finally let me go.
I was in disbelief. I had been illegally detained, without them telling me why the mall cop was blocking my exit from the parking space. I was threatened and harassed. I was told I was a bad parent and that my parenting was in serious question.
I came home and looked up the law. I was correct all along. My child was perfectly legally allowed to stay in the car alone. I did not leave it running and I did not leave the keys in the car. He was 7, almost 8, and the law states children under 6 are not allowed to be left in the car unattended.
In fact, I even told the officer that I had been left in the car all the time as a child and they then told me that my own parents were obviously horrible parents as well, because that was illegal too (oh yeah? 30+ years ago????) and went on a rampage against my own mother.
As much as we want to let our children have independance, the freedom to fail and injure themselves (not in any sort of devistating way, but I mean, it’s valueable to get a mild burn and learn that fire’s hot or knives are sharp, etc.), there may be someone just around the corner who will try to bully us and threaten us in the worst ways possible, to make us fear letting our kids learn and grow.
Ug.
Lenore,
I recently came across this article in Forbes:
http://www.forbes.com/2006/11/08/leadership-careers-jobs-lead-careers-cx_tw_1109kids.html
It talks about helicopter parents setting up job interviews for their adult (college grad) children. I wonder if they go to work with them too, so they can take them to the bathroom in case there are perverts in there….
Geez.
Nancy, what a great idea you had to require that your son find his way home driving. I didn’t think of that when I taught my two to drive. But they did learn to read maps long before they could drive, and when we went on excursions or trips they took turns being responsible for reading the map, looking for the street names and being the navigator. If we were just going somewhere and I got lost they would pull out the map, figure out where we were and helped me to the correct route. They got to be very good at it, as I have a terrible sense of direction.
I need a quick phrase to say when people step in and try to helicopter my 3-year-olds when I won’t do it. Something positive, polite, yet firm.
I’d explain why, but it takes so long for my comments to type out on this page, I don’t have the patience.
OK, here’s the story, via cut/paste. My girls and I and 4 other (unrelated) adults went to a restaurant (most of us go out together weekly). The girls & I got there early so we went to the restroom first. The restroom was up a winding staircase which the girls found very cool. Over the course of the evening, as the waiting was very long and the bathroom trips were more interesting than the grown-up conversation, my kids asked to go to the restroom several more times. Since my youngest had been sick in the morning, and the activity was better than the waiting, I let them go. They remembered the way to get to the restroom and back to the table, so I just tagged along at a distance. Finally one of the other adults had gone to the bathroom and my kids decided they wanted to go catch up with her. I let them go without me. (Note they are 3 years old and have previously taken themselves to public bathrooms in very controlled circumstances.)
The other adults at the table were of the opinion that my kids were too young for what I was allowing. (Only one of them ever had kids, and she’s now about 80 [and 2/3 of her kids lived “at home” into their late 30s], so who are they to argue?) When they realized I was not going after the girls, the other adults started volunteering to go themselves. I protested that it was not necessary, the girls had the route memorized, they know exactly what to do, they were safe, and I wanted to let them go on their own. Finally the young man at the table decided he was having none of it and went after my girls. By then they had reached their destination so I don’t know what went on up there, but I waited a few minutes and went to find out what was going on. The girls had come out of the restroom (not sure if he called them out or what) and were roughhousing with the young man in the hall. OK. First of all, I am their parent and who are you to override my parenting decisions? Secondly, nice way to teach my children that it’s appropriate to treat a fine restaurant like a playground. I was not happy.
So this is why I need an effective, yet polite phrase to tell others to back off when I make a free-range parenting decision that they might not have made with their own kids. We do a lot together so I will probably be in this situation again.
Dear SKL-
A couple short “comments / explanations” that I used in similar situations but I had two boys (4.5 years apart)
If they were within sight…… “I have my eye on them, don’t worry”.
If they were within sight but in situation that others might consider too unsafe for their kids……….. “I’m testing the limits of their abilitites”.
If they were out of sight and a bit of a distance away (like your bathroom situation)
“Don’t worry; they’re together & this isn’t their first trip to the bathroom. I prefer to give my children the opportunity for independent action without adult intervention”
Unfortunately, I think that when the “dad” makes these sorts of statements, people are much less likely to intervene.
The fact only one of the others had kids should have been their cue not to “stay out of it”.
The young man was trying to be help and acted on the “consensus” at the table, I assume, in a misguided effort to defuse any conflict.
As to the “roughhousing”, often times, young men have no other (recent or otherwise) experience in how to relate to little kids.
I would have, later (in private / one on one) told him that while I understood hid desire to be helpful, that I was their mom, I had assessed the situation and deemed it safe and that I didn’t appreciate him countering my desires nor getting my kids to roughhouse in a fine restaurant and that in the future he should abide by my wishes.
I think your situation is much tougher than mine was.
You’re a mom of two girls, I was a dad of two boys.
Strangers tend to be overprotective of little girls.
Plus unfortunately
(no gender flames here, please, just my observations over the years)
people often consider what get’s said in these sorts of situations (if said by a woman / the mom) as a “suggestion”
if it is said by the dad, its a “decision” with the emphasis of tone, facial expression & body language.
Long winded answer, sorry.
Next time;
“I’m they’re mom, I deem this activity ok for my children, this isn’t up for discussion.”
Or
“I’m they’re mom, I deem this activity ok for my children, I’m not soliciting opinions on this.”
Or
“I’m they’re mom, I deem this activity ok for my children, this is not going to be a committee decision”.
Or with a bit of humor
“I’m they’re mom, I deem this activity ok for my children, this is not going to be a committee decision”, unless of course, you’ll all be making contributions to their college fund. I’ll take those checks right now, minimum contribution is $500 for this year.
I think part of the problem is
“….an effective, yet polite phrase to tell others to back off when I make a free-range parenting decision…..”
may not exist. 😦
These people, by their comments & actions, we’re exhibiting overreaching / intrusive behavior.
If you ever see these people outside of these group settings, it might be easier to “educate” them privately as to your style of parenting such that, in the future, they won’t be intervening.
Good luck
cheers
Bob
PS I have two free range sons, 30 & 26.
They both live independently in San Francisco.
(They pay for family & birthday dinners in the city, now!)
Bob, thanks for your wisdom.
How about: “I’m raising my kids by the Free Range Method”?
You are right about the gender. I have a male friend my age with a daughter the same age as mine. There is no way anyone would get up and go after his kid if he said she was OK on her own. To me, that was just rude. (I am old enough to be Young Man’s mother.)
SKL, first of all, try typing your comment in Word, then pasting it in here. As far as a comment, you could say, “Thanks, I’ve got it,” but expect to hear, “Well, you obviously DON’T,” etc. etc. and then for a quarrel to ensue. How about “Thanks, s/he’s fine.”?
SKL: Hmmmm…I would’ve let the other adults go. That way, either 1) Everything’s fine, the adults are chastened, and the kids get that Mom trusts them nevertheless; or 2) Everything’s not OK (there is that chance, after all, however miniscule and hypothetical) and you will’ve done the right thing by letting the other adults check up on ’em.
As for the roughhousing, either let the establishment’s management get involved, thereby rightfully embarrassing the other adult; or tell your kids pointendly, “We don’t get rowdy in eating establishments. This isn’t a playground”. There. Everyone’s taken care of.
I like Bob’s suggestion of soliciting donations to their college fund. I’m reminded of sitting at the bottom of an inclined sidewalk down which my two-year-old was barreling on a trike. When the dad sitting next to me noticed that I wasn’t taking action to stop her, he reached out and caught her. He said nothing, but I could tell he was judging my laissez faire attitude. I had judged that she’d lose momentum before crashing into the building, but you know what? She mightn’t have. Was any harm done? No. Message to Kid: prolly that other adults can be helpful and are watching out for her. Not so terrible.
Yam Erez: I thought of the idea to just give up on teaching my kids independence when we’re around those people. But, Young Man and his aunt are currently living in my house. I find myself keeping the kids away as much as possible because I can’t stand their kid-suffocating (and kid-spoiling) ways. They were raised in another culture and can’t seem to “get” that preschoolers are not stupid and helpless.
The restaurant incident was the latest, but I encounter this whenever we go anywhere together, with them insisting on holding the kids’ hands when they are on the sidewalk, etc.; and sometimes at home, too (Young Man decided to go after my kids because he didn’t like them playing out of sight in their own backyard). I believe that kids will use their brains more if they don’t think an adult is watching over them, so I feel this is not good for their development. I need a message that will get through to people like this. It is causing me too much stress.
Sounds like you need to lay down the law to your guests SKL. I would never presume like that with my sister’s kids or my cousins’ kids.
If I’m not sure what is allowed – and the parent cannot see what is happening. I gasp – ask.
SKL. You are in a tough situation, but perhaps it can be a learning situation for your kids. I would have a sit down with your guests out of earshot of the kids and just firmly tell them that you are raising your children in the way you feel is best for them, and that you will not tolerate their interference anymore. You might give them a copy of Lorene’s book to read. Obviously it is okay if they pull your child out of the way if a car accidently drives up into the yard while they are playing there. Other than such unlikely circumstances, they are not to step in to take over unless you request their help. If they are unsure at some point, they can ask you if there is anything you would like their help with. And here is the learning opportunity for your children – If they do step in to interfere, in your child’s presence, you might say: Thank you for offering to help “Susie”, but she is quite grown up now, and going into the living room by herself is something she is quite capable of.” This lets them know that you think they are capable and publicly states it to the others. Good luck. You have more patience than I do.
Well, I confronted the aunt today about her and Young Man interfering in my parenting. It was starting again and I just let her have it. Not exactly the way I wanted it to go. But the good result is: we agreed that if I protest and say “I’m teaching them how to be independent,” they will back off. So let’s see if this works. (She still thought I was terrible for letting my kid go toward the bathroom alone, because she says people were looking around wondering whose kid that was. Yeah, that happens when I’m there, too! People always do that. But she calls that justifiable “social stigma.” Maybe showing them Lenore’s book would be a good idea, as someone suggested above.
I appreciate the suggestions to say things in a way that sends a positive message to my kids. Unfortunately they have seen some negativity and I hope that stops.
I don’t get parents implying free range = no helmets. Can’t we let our kids be free range *and* protect their heads?
I don’t mean wearing hockey helmets to skate, but a helmet is a good idea. Grown men hit the ice and get concussions. It’s not a rare occurrence. I played hockey growing up and our coach even told us we weren’t allowed to skate at skating rinks at all because people don’t know how to skate and it is dangerous.
I think I can let my kid be free range *while* insisting he protect his brains.
Micah, the real deep-down philosophy, for me, behind Free-Range Kids, is *common sense*.
It’s common sense to put a helmet on a kid while riding a bike or playing hockey.
It’s common sense to let a child walk on a log where if they’ll fall, they’ll fall two feet, and learn how to balance.
It’s common sense to teach a child how to say, “No” and yell and kick if someone tries to forcibly take them somewhere, if that should *ever* happen.
It’s common sense to teach a child how to find their way to school and home again. Or to a friend’s house and back. Grandma’s. The store.
It’s common sense to teach them to ride a bike and how to ride with traffic, watch for cars, and pay attention to lights and laws.
It’s common sense to teach them what your neighborhood is like, and how not to go with someone they don’t know.
it’s common sense to teach them how to cook and make their own food. How to use a knife. The microwave. To make their own decisions on what makes a good snack.
It’s common sense to teach them how to run the washing machine and clean their clothes. Run the vacuum. Wash the dishes – even knives.
Common sense. It’s out there. 🙂
Micah, additionally, it says at the upper left of this very page:
Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail.
No no no, I agree with y’all. I was commenting on 2 posts I saw ^^^ up there. One said that she didn’t make her kid wear a helmet while ice skating and another said she doesn’t make her kids wear helmets either. I was just shuddering inside because I grew up seeing people get concussions, have seizures, etc after head injuries on ice. Even *with* a helmet sometimes. Ice is hard and kids skate fast. Faster than they probably should for their skill level too.
ahhh! 😀 😀
re bike helmets, it’s ironic how, in my low-traffic, gated community, all the kids on training wheels (worst way to learn how to ride a bike, by the way) are out there sweating under helmets bigger than they are, propelling themselves at a snail’s pace; then the minute they actually learn to ride faster than they can walk, off come the helmets and whiz — there they go! Clearly the parents believe they’re inculcating some kind of habit or value, when in fact vis-a-vis helmets, they’re focusing on the wrong population entirely!
I’ve been a ‘free range’ mom long before I heard of your great book. I’m a homeschooling mom of 5 kids, ranging in age from 3 to 18. When my oldest was 4, he wanted to go into a small grocery store near our home by himself and buy me a box of Valentine candy. He was confident in being able to ask a store employee for assistance if needed and was very well spoken for a child his age. So I waited out in the parking lot while he went in and bought that box of candy. We’ve never looked back.
When he was 7, he walked to that same grocery store – 1/2 mile from our house to buy something I needed for dinner. This was back before everyone had cell phones, so I gave him a quarter and said to call me from the pay phone outside the store so I would know he at least got there ok and to expect him back soon.
My kids have been raised with the freedom to ride their bikes around town, take the city bus, play in a wooded lot near our home, stay home alone and to care for younger siblings.
The biggest and most controversial choice we, so far have made, was to let our sons, then ages 16 and 12, drive our van to South Dakota (we live in Wisconsin) and camp for a week – alone. They spent one night at a youth Hostel in Minneapolis to be able to go to a Twins game. They had the confidence and skills to be able to take public transportation in a city they weren’t familar with, and get themselves to the stadium from the Hostel. They went on to have a great week seeing such sights as Mt. Rushmore and Devils Tower in Wyoming. I viewed it as a type of ‘rite of passage’ that we, as a society, don’t seem to have anymore for our youth. This summer, now ages 18 and 14, they will travel out east for a week to see Washington DC, Philedelphia and Gettysburg.
I think we handicap our youth today by not giving them real responsibility. Youth of the past were given adult responsibilities and could accomplish great things because they were given the chance. I was inspired by stories of youth from the past. Two of those stories made a big impact on my thinking. The story of a man named Ed Muldie, in 1878, who had his three sons, ages 11, 8 and 3 stay alone in a dugout in Kansas for three months while he travel farther west to find a homestead. He then sent word for them to travel on their own, 150 miles to their new homestead. They did it. The other story was Sign of the Beaver, about a 13 year old boy who stays alone for many months to hold his family’s homestead claim in Maine territory, while his father traveled back south to bring the rest of the family. Today, people feel lucky if they can get a 13 year old to take out the garabage. I hope the way our society views our youth can change in the coming generations.
Have you heard of this free-ranger extraordinaire? Joe Kurmaskie is from Portland ,OR and rides ALL over the place with his 3 boys on their multi-person bicycle, including a 3000+ mile trip coast to coast. His books are awesome and will make you want to grab your family and GET OUT THERE! See him at http://www.metalcowboy.com/
Most of the comments on this site center on younger kids, but I’m wrestling with how to apply these principles to my teenager. He’s always been allowed to roam around on his bike, cook meals, whittle with a knife, whatever. He has never been in trouble at school and gets good grades without parental micro-management. Now I find out that he and his 15 year old friends have been smoking pot while out “riding their bikes”, roaming around the neighborhood at midnight when at a “stay-up-over”, and now asking to have his girlfriend over at our house with no adults arounds. What’s a free range mom to do about drugs, sex, and how-loud-are-you-allowed-to-play-rock-and-roll-on-your-headphones? Not to mention the driver’s licence waiting at the next birthday? Any advice from paretns of older kids?
Yolanda, your stories are inspiring. Didn’t even know we have hostels in the States!
Beth, virtual hugs to you, I have three teens. First off: Panic is not constructive, so don’t. A little perspective: Your son, who sounds like a good kid at his core (focus on that), is engaging in typical teen behavior. You have to suck it up that this is pretty much it: You’ve reached the end of your capacity to control his movements. So what next?
The only thing left is to talk, try to get him to understand that if he’s going to engage in adult behavior, it entails responsibilities, i.e., seatbelts, condoms, observing the speed limit, not driving while under the influence of any substance. If he can’t say the words “contraceptives” and “penis” to his girlfriend, he shouldn’t be having sex. Would you let someone drive your car who was afraid to say the word “seatbelt”?
Beth: To some extent, I agree with Yam Erez. The snag about free-range kids is that they can abuse their freedom. No, wait. That’s the snag in freedom itself.
Although I have no teens myself (yet), I would advise making some points clear to him. It may sound stupid, but if you actually WRITE him a note, you could make it easier for him to agree with your POV without hurting that huge teen pride of his. My parents used this, and it worked much better than any speech (that would always end in a “heated argument” anyway).
Above all, remind him that it’s because you love him so much that you dare interfere in his own decisions, by giving him advice. Even though he betrayed that love by lying to you… (yeah, hit him where it hurts!)
About the pot, maybe he should consider if it’s such a good idea, given that it’s illegal, that it’s obviously not good for his health, and that he could end up hurting someone while under the influence… Of course, it’s all up to him, after all it’s his life (use his own arguments before he has the chance to speak)
About premarital sex (I know, Yam, it’s such an old-fashioned phrase, but I personally still stick to it), you can name all the moral objections you want, and ask him to understand you don’t want to take part in that by lending him your house. Remind him that there are also several very worldly consequences he might not want to face just now. As my dad used to say “Don’t do it. But if you do, do it properly”.
Sorry for the rant. Good luck.
Beth – my best advice in dealing with teens is to really know them and know their friends. I told my boys and will my girls, that freedom comes with being honest and open with me and making good choices. Challenge your teens to want to strive for something – get interested in something. So many youth are stuck in a mundane, teenage wasteland and that’s where they’re going to find trouble.
Yam Erez – I had a friend suggest hostels to me when we found out that the boys couldn’t get a hotel in the state of Minnesota because they were under 18. We had a hard time finding a campground that would except them, too. The following summer when they were 17 and 13 they wanted to go camping in the Kentucky area, but every campground said no. So they skipped a trip last summer.
Yolanda: I would be astounded if you haven’t got some sort of Inter-rail over there in the US. My brothers tried it when they were 15 and 16, with a couple of friends from school. They took their bikes and travelled to France and Holland. They treasure those memories, but all I remember about it are several alarming phonecalls, one of which informed us that all their bikes were stolen and they were missing my younger brother, who had fallen behind somewhere near Amsterdam. They all came back fine, although their bikes were never found…
I had the opposite problem of coddling and overprotection when I was growing up (in the 70s). My parents expected me to be a mini adult. At age 8, I was expected to babysit my toddler and infant sisters, walk the toddler to preschool, call the local cat daycare to arrange for care of our cat while my family vacationed, act as therapist to my mom when she was having problems with my dad, and so on. I didn’t grow up to be a better person as a result. Instead, I was resentful of the demands my parents placed on me. Interestingly, my upbringing did not make me bolder or less fearful, as I am quite prone to anxiety and in danger of becoming an overprotective parent if I don’t watch it. My point is that giving your kids wide “range” and responsibility can backfire every bit as much as overprotecting them. The answer is to raise your kids with sensitivity and give them a level of freedom and responsibility that is appropriate for them as individuals, having regard to their maturity level and temperament.
Babs,
The opposite of severe overprotection is severe underprotection. That sounds like what you had. You were not raised free range at all. Free range, as you will find in Lenore’s book, requires that a parent very carefully decide what responsibility and independence their child is ready for based on age, personality, and current responsibility level and degree of independence. What you grew up with sadly sounds like severe neglect. I am sorry you had those overwhelming responsibilities which can be crushing. As an adult, however, you can get therapy to help with reshaping how your childhood shaped you.
For! This article was just rich, and made me think of you – apparently, the AARP thinks parents are complete idiots: Don’t let your kids play in traffic! Tell your kids not to touch the grill! And the AAP thinks you’re an idiot! (My favorite: “Instruct your child not to eat anything from an outdoor plant.” Because the pothos on the bookshelf is a great snack, and there’s no such thing as an edible plant…)
http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20100504/hl_hsn/healthtipkeepyourchildsafeinthebackyard
I love this site…’FreeRangeKids’ just great, and lots of laughs as well.
Here is a link is to a story about a camp out that my son and I went on…
http://www.columbiatribune.com/news/2010/jan/10/weathering-a-challenge-some-people-wont-stay-in/
We were quoted in the story….actually somewhat out of context. The comments by the diaper sniffers were priceless.
I am a divorced Dad. My 11 year old strives his best to be as independent as possible with his mother. Quite the uphill battle. I salute all you who ‘open’ the range up to all your young ones, otherwise they will never learn to ‘run’ in their own.
: ) ZD
Can someone please pass along the statistics of the percentage of “free range” kids vs common kids who are molested. It would seem to me that a higher percentage of “free rangers” are molested than the everyday kid. Is there any data to support/disprove this theory of mine??? Thanks! 🙂
Meli, I’d guess the opposite, because protected kids are more vulnerable.
I’d agree wityh Yam Erez, MeliVel. Kids are mostly molested by someone they know and a “protected” kid is more isolated, more insulated and much less street-savvy. They’re mosr used to their parents taking care of everything, rather than a free-range kid who can cope with danger and is better able to listen to their instincts and act accordingly.
An over-protected child is a defenceless child. A free-ranger is more observant, more astute in analyzing situations and people. This was true in the past as it continues to be true to this day.
Why isn’t there a happy medium between free-range and over-protective?
Melivel, I think you are confusing “free-range” with a lack of parenting. Free-range is the happy medium between not caring what your children do and not teaching them how to make their way in the world and helicoptering.
Melivel, Read Lenore’s book. Then you will be able to comment with knowledge.
Melivel,
Since molestation at the hands of strangers is extraordinarily rare, and children victimized by abusers are often isolated and lacking self-confidence, then I can’t see why children raised to be self-reliant and play outdoors would be more vulnerable than children kept under close supervision at home.
Will have to read the book. Thanks!
Just finished the book. THANK YOU. Liberating.
Great to read! In Norway, lots of kids still enjoy a lot of freedom, and it makes them more mature and self confident.
Darwinism and accidents will always kill kids as well as adults. Denying kids the right to develop self confidence is the best way to make them unprepared for adulthood.
We already see this in business, where young employees get a big shock when employers demand results.
Lenore, I just received and finished you book today and have two words for you: Thank you! Thank you for writing a book, that shouldn’t NEED to be written. Thank you for validating everything I have been saying as a parent!
I am a “teen mother”. I had my son at fifteen, and now at nineteen, and I am constantly scorned by others, simply because of my age! You mention how, for thousands of years, women had children at fifteen, and no one thought it was odd. Yes, times have changed, but I feel I am a very good mother. No matter what others think.
My three year old is allowed to do many things others his age are not, and have even been in meetings with preschool teachers because of his “attitude.” I have taught my three year old to eat what he wants, by making good food choices. Given the choice for dinner, he chose steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I speak to him as an equal, and value his opinion. I encourage him to speak up, and speak his mind. That back-fired when he told a teacher, “You have a big mouth. Be quiet, please.” Polite, but to the point.
I intend to share this book with as many mothers as possible! I am attending college in the fall and plan to teach seventh or eighth grade English- I will be working a free-range assignment into my curriculum. Hopefully, free-range will no longer become a movement, but normal childhood again!
Deja Marie, I admire you for “sabotaging” my sterotype image of a teen mom. You sound like you’re doing a terrific job. Good luck in college, and virtual hugs from out here in Free Range-land.
I think this is a great idea, as long as you don’t expect other people to mind your children in your absence. If you practice the “free range” philosophy, be willing to accept the possible consequence that your kid might get injured and please don’t blame the clerk/librarian/blah blah that you thought should be sorta minding your kid.
Sure it takes a village to raise a child, but your kid is not my problem so keep it away from me.
Im a retired Police Officer and have worked at the Southern California Renaissance Faire for the past 10 years along with my entire family. My children grew up as “faire brats” and often were allowed the run of the faire during its open hours. They also were part of organized activities ( my son learned blacksmithing and forging at the age of 12.)
Many of my friends thought that we were crazy to allow them to be among so many people (you know how wierd those faire people are), without supervision. We thought that allowing them to enjoy themselves in a fenced park with minimal supervision would allow them to be better prepared to make appropriate decisions when confronted with situations that were NOT so well supervised. We were right. My children are now adults, both employed and in school. They still come to faire and we really enjoy the fact that we can trust them to make good decisions. My 22 year old is going to Great Britain in September to study for a year. I will still worry, but not because I think he wont be safe, but because I will just worry as I still do for my daughter, my parents and my siblings. ANYTHING can happen that we cant control.
Hey Jack. You remind me of my daughter, now 13, getting lost at the Jacob’s Ladder Folk Festival on the Sea of Galilee / Kinneret when she was three. My friends still remind me of it, and I get a “shame on you” vibe from them. However, they also recall how calm I was. It wasn’t that I was indifferent; it was just that I knew that panic would not have been productive. Turned out she had charmed her way into another family’s picnic, who had not heard it announced over the PA system that she was missing.
I just wanted to post about a tiny little free-range victory. I have been teaching my 3-year-olds for the past month or so how to walk through parking lots and across streets without my holding their hands. I encourage them to remain aware of what is going on around them continuously. I wasn’t sure how much of this was sinking in (since I always pointed out when a car was actually coming; free range does have its limits).
So yesterday, we were in a parking lot and I was working on getting the car door unlocked, and my girls urgently informed me that the SUV parked across from me was about to start moving (its backing lights went on), and they carefully monitored its movement and gave it wide berth until it was gone. So this proves that 3-year-olds (a) have peripheral vision, (b) can think of more than one thing at a time, (c) listen and remember, and (d) have no desire to be crushed under the wheels of a car. Score one for Free Range!
To SKL, what you are doing with your three year olds is not a small free range item. It is big! You have given your girls invaluable information and training, and you have seen its effect already. Yeah for you!!
Great site. Does anyone know of articles/blogs with advise for the male parent of a helicopter/diaper sniffer mom. She is an ‘x’ however she just can not allow my son to manage his life. he is not allowed to have any say in his schedule let alone chose his own friends, dictate his homework schedule etc. She micro manages all his time and even goes to the lengths of leaving his school bag out of her car when they leave town for the weekend (he puts it in the car and she takes it out before they leave) I am not sure if insisting that he figure out how to ‘deal’ with her is being free range or not….but it would be great to find a support group for this kind of thing. Maybe it is to small of a sub-group, Thanks for the soap box… JZ
Jetzur, I don’t know of a blog to suggest, but if your ex is open to it, it might be helpful to have the three of you engage in family therapy. If she isn’t, perhaps the two of you so that you have a third party helping you and your son work out together how to help him deal with such different parenting styles. It might also lead to ways to help your son communicate his needs to his mom. Your son may also want to spend some time alone with the therapist, because one of the things that is difficult about divorce for kids (mine were 3 and 9 when they experienced this) is that they often don’t want to talk about the other parent to you because they feel disloyal. You might not be able to get your ex to engage in a process of looking at the effect of her parenting, but you can parent the way you feel is best for your son (having friends he chooses visit when he is with you, developing structures that give him more opportunity to develop his own priorities and time management, providing him with opportunities to be independent, etc.). Then a therapist might help your son learn how to process and deal with the polar opposite types of parenting he is living with.
I wish I could get that far with my son, SKL! He’s three, and I have trouble getting him to stay by me without holding my hand, let alone crossing the street! That’s a wonderful skill for them to have!
JetZer, not sure what you meant about the school bag. What’s the problem w/your son putting it in the car? Are you divorced from his mom? ’cause you said “…when they leave home for the weekend”. She sounds like a control freak. I’m thinking family therapy, and if Mom won’t go, you go with Son and get help dealing with Mom.
I think that you radicalizing allowing kids independence and freedom smacks someone selling something. The end point is raising independent happy adults not a stupid stunt wear you put your kid on a subway at 9. There is letting kids play outside and ride bikes around the block…learning how to take care of themselves a little at a time. But really there are weirdos and creeps out there, there are really bad drivers and unsafe situations that you need to assimilate to bit by bit.
You are selling parenting snake oil lady.
skl, you are an idiot. what is the rush? you can’t teach her to be safe in a parking lot AND hold her hand. Someday when she is 10 you will miss holding her hand. Competitive free range parenting, silly. Maybe they will develop a percentile for how free your kid is.
This post on an Australian parenting board really made me sad as it seems to suggest that paranoia over child safety has completely overtaken ideas of kindness and community service:
http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/forums/index.php?showtopic=793766&hl=
It is good to see that others apart from me (although not all) were saddened and said that they would have given the woman a lift in those cirucmstances.
Angela, the “rush” is, I want my kids to be able to play out front and take short walks on the block without my being right there, and I won’t feel comfortable doing this until I know they have an appropriate awareness and respect for traffic.
From observing my kids, I can see how much more they use their own minds when I am not a participant in whatever they are doing. They would benefit from being able to branch out and go down the street and hang out without me hovering.
I also feel that developing a heightened sense of awareness of one’s surroundings will be one of the most important determinants of what they are independently capable of down the road. And, I don’t see how it could possibly hurt.
As is often pointed out, we played up and down the street when we were preschoolers, and nobody thought twice about it. I remember my brothers and next-door neighbor teaching me to ride a bike (without training wheels) on the sidewalk when I was 4; my parents were inside attending to grown-up stuff. I wasn’t allowed to cross the street on my own yet, BUT, I also almost got hit by a car because I thought the lady across the street was giving me the OK to cross when she wasn’t. I would have been safer with some practice actually watching out for my ass in roads, driveways, etc.
I do not have children yet, but when I do I completely agree with this style. My mother would not allow us to sit in front of the TV –she made us go outside and “play”. So everyday and all day in the summers we would go all over the place with our bikes. Our mother gave us a watch and just told us the time we had to be home by.
We were taught the “stranger danger” thing….and all of us are still her…including all of our friends whose parents thought the same way.
Angela, you’ve got it backwards. Lenore is not selling anything (besides her book, which it is her right to do and your right not to buy). The ones who’re selling parenting snake oil are the corporations, who want to scare you into buying knee pads for crawlers, a crib device that sets off an alarm if your infant stops breathing, Band-Aids saturated with antibiotics, and endless knee pads, elbow pads, and probably bullet-proof vests are out there if you need them. You’re welcome to send the manufacturers’ kids to college if you like…
So when your little 7 year old brat pushes my baby down the slide and there is no one there to tell him not to, can I yell at him? or When your kid runs in front of a taxi on Broadway or starts talking to the local drug dealer I’ll be sure to ignore it! See the problem is that I personally don’t want to deal with your kids when I am at the park with my baby! They are YOUR kids, YOUR responsibility not mine or anyone else’s! In addition, I am not talking about murders, I am talking about other things like drugs, traffic. etc.. Things were DIFFERENT in 1950. People left there kids at the park but they knew everyone in the neighborhood…. it’s different now. By leaving your kids in the park you are burdening strangers with your kids.
Alex, I don’t know what you’re on about, but I’d say that yes, you have the right to yell at the seven-year-old who pushes your baby, or anyone who tries to harm your child. In fact, approach the child and take his or her photo. What’s the problem?
Finally, some common sense. Bravo. And I think this should extend to adults as well. Turn off your TV, start thinking for yourself… and get outside!
Hurrah to you Lenore.
I wanted to reach thru my screen and back-slap that knucklehead on CNN interviewing you. He OBVIOUSLY is one of those who had a boring, overly protected up-bringing himself, and did not have the same enjoyable and active free youth as you and I had, and just cannot relate. His bias was nauseating.
Soon after I learned how to ride a bicycle at whatever age that was [very yong], I was permitted to live by this creedo, if following some simple rules and boundaries. I was extraordinarily healthy. And I loved it all!
Do ‘freerange’ kids taste better than caged?
I get the point, more outdoor activity, but a bit radical in my opinion.
It all depends upon the child and their choice, that’s what we need to be teaching our children, how to make smart decisions and what fundamentals constitute a healthy life.
The author is just cashing in on a concept that is contrary to the wisdom of protecting our children, and seems a bit narcissistic in her approach.
Wonder how she would feel if ONE child was seriously hurt or abducted in one of her suggested outings?
Don’t care if she’s a Yale grad, so was GeeDub, remember??
I am absolutely in favor of children playing outside, but, I live in Florida and every other day a child goes missing. So, I don’t know where you live or if you are just not concerned about children being taken. My children do go to the park and outside but with my supervision and to take them to the park and leave them should be a good day out for all the PERVS out there. Dumbass
What, are you trying to give all the PERVS 1 easy day?
I’m glad that you look at the statistics. A child is literally more likely to drown in a pool than be abducted. I’m only 24 and don’t have any children but when I do, I will raise them the same way I was raised in rural Indiana: free range. “what if a child gets hurt?” Weren’t you ever hurt as a child? Aren’t you fine now? god forbid a kid stubs his toe.
Groovy, real groovy. You have a lot of common sense Lenore. NOT. But then, sense is not common….you can let your kids be free, truly free, without jeopardising their safety. I’ve not heard of something so idiotic for a long, long time….
Cindy, I understand the initial reaction – but go check the actual, real statistics. You might very very relieved to learn the truth – and you’ll be able to relax more. I know I did.
Lenore, dammit – that darned breaking news gets you every time! Good on you for getting Koop’s message in.
Dave, Dave. What do you THINK is going to happen? Do you have evidence to prove your worry? Or has the news cycle and fictionalized tv shows scared you senseless?
It’s OK to learn the truth and assuage those fears. Don’t let the Chicken LIttles of the world direct your actions.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.”
-Edward Renaldi (Mia’s father), from his letter to Mia for her 16th birthday, “The Princess Diaries”
totally for!
Publicly and privately!
http://janeyouignorantslut.com/benevolent-neglect-or-parent-of-the-year/
WRH, visited and commented on JaneYouIgnorantSlut. That site rocks!
I really thought I was the ONLY crazy one out there who believe that my children (now 7 and 9) should be playing outside of my house, unsupervised. We live in a townhouse development. When my 1st child started school, I learned the new vocabulary, “playdate”. I wasn’t sure whether it was a new method to matchmake or what. After all these years, I still do not like this “new” concept. I grew up playing outside in the playground: I went out, find kids who were there already, and we all played together. My mom did not have to place telephone calls and schedule us ahead of time. Nevertheless, my children are playing outside with their neighbors/friends, riding their bikes around the development and without my looking over them. I see the change in my children: as they are given more independence, they actually behave more responsiblely. Thank you, Lenore!
Samson: “Wonder how she would feel if ONE child was seriously hurt or abducted in one of her suggested outings?”
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How would you feel if ONE child were killed or injured being driven to a movie? You’d probably feel it was a sad accident, but not something that should deter other parents from driving their kids to a movie. Thing is, far, far more children suffer death and injury every year from collisions riding with their parents than from attacks by strangers on the street.
Lenore is trying to get people to think rationally about a subject that has become obscured in a miasma of fear and group-think. It’s an uphill battle. There are all sorts of people who have an interest in keeping parents frightened, from the sensationalistic media, to authorities worried about legal liability, to neurotic parents themselves who now have an apparent justification for their controlling behaviour.
We’ve reached a state as a society where a frightened, controlling parent is considered a responsible parent. There have always been frightened, controlling parents. However, 30 years ago they were a small minority. Today, they are the norm. Or rather, they’re numerous and outspoken enough that they cowe other parents into silence.
All Lenore’s doing is encouraging those of who want to raise our children the way we were raised to speak up and assert ourselves; to not be cowed by the outspoken parents and nervous schools who are caught up in media-fueled hysteria.
Fact is, our streets and parks are no more dangerous today than they were 30 years ago. Anyone who wants to assert otherwise is free to offer some hard evidence. Others have been asked to do so on this site, dozens of times. And the response is always… …
What a breath of fresh air!
First off,… my mom passed away recently and turns out she saved every single painting, drawing, and hand writing assignment I had ever done in school. One thing that captured me was that I was riding my bicycle at 7 years old (2nd grade) to school about a mile away! Now get this! My brother has two kids… 8 and 11… neither of them know how to ride a bike!!!!! On top of that, they live ONE BLOCK from school and my brother left work to take his kids home from school. Not a bad neighborhood either.
My wife is from Russia… she grew up in the big city of Moscow. While I think I am a strong person…. she is way better than me. Her niece is 11 and lives in Moscow…the girl is 11 and already has her own life, own group of friends she socializes with, is very responsible and I believe she will grow up to be a very strong individual.
I like your ideas so far.. I will continue to read your blog. Finally, someone with some guts to say it like it is…. America is raising a bunch of pussy boys and girls… glued to the television “programming”, medicated with fluoridated foods and water, and I rarely see kids eating food thats healthy and wholesome and NATURAL anymore.
YOU GO GIRL!!! I would leave the house at 8 on Sat morning and my parents wouldn’t see me the rest of the day…at age 6! Yes I had to tell mom who’s house I was going to be at, and I had boundaries, streets I was not allowed to travel beyond, but I survived, all my friends survived. Horrible things can happen, nobody wants that. But kids today have NO idea how to P-L-A-Y and it’s our fault. I think this a wonderful idea. After the take you kids to the park and leave them thing, let’s have a “kill all your electronics” weekend!
As my brother in law, and father of 6 says, ‘I would rather have one trip to the ER, than have to say no, no, no, no, no ,no, no all day”
Both Free Range Kids and “drop kids off day” are excellent antidotes to the stifling regimentation of children and adults in our risk obsessed times. Bravo
Alex: “Things were DIFFERENT in 1950. People left there kids at the park but they knew everyone in the neighborhood…. it’s different now. By leaving your kids in the park you are burdening strangers with your kids.”
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The reason everyone knew their neighbours is because their kids played together. That’s what brings neighbours and families together. And it’s the way most of the world still functions – kids play with other kids and any nearby adult can step in if something is getting out of hand.
It’s only North America in the last 20 years where fear and suspicion have clamped down on free, outdoor play. But perhaps you’re right – maybe the root of the issue is that adults no longer trust one another, or feel confident in expressing themselves in public. If so, that’s a terrible change that we have undergone. Too bad our kids have to suffer for it too. Maybe moving to the Netherlands, or Japan, or France isn’t such a bad idea for those of us who still have some trust and confidence in humanity.
Yes. Thank you! Finally a sane voice. I am a family doctor and mother of two children ages 8 and 10. For the last few years I have been letting my kids do lots of things like this and am very selective with whom I share this information. Your website and movement have motivated me to speak more openly about these issues with my patients, friends, families, colleagues,etc. We also discussed this issue at a recent NEEF (National Environmental Education Foundation) and Audubon Society symposium discussing an initiative to get children more active in natural environments. As part of the work we all went around and discussed our own childhoods. Every single person said the same thing- I would play outside until it was time for dinner and then my mom would call me in. A sadness followed in which so many people realized their own kids did not get to experience this. We also laughed about the perception that NYC is more dangerous today than in the 70’s. I mentioned your website and would love to help build bridges between these organizations.
My kids are going to the park tomorrow!
Thank you.
Maggie Carpenter, MD
FINALLY, someone with sense and the real idea behind the decline in our kid’s health. Numerous times I have surmised the same thing, not that we are any less safe but that we are oversaturated with sensationalist news leading to a distorted view of the real dangers in the world.
When I was a kid, we were free, I mean TRULY free. “Be home before the street lights come on” was the only rule. Saturday morning after cartoons, we grabbed our bikes and we were GONE. Meeting up with our friends, riding down to get a slurpee, starting a football game at the local park, hiking the stream, playing hide & seek all into the summer evenings. Shoot, we even had a knife in our pocket or a BB gun with us to shoot cans. Imagine that today!!! MAN those were good times, to truly experience freedom.
Our homes were small and entertainment was slim, being in the house was DRUDGERY so what did we do? We went outside and started knocking on doors to find someone to play with….and we always did.
We walked to school from 2nd grade on, walked to sports practice and to the store, etc. We were responsible for ourselves and our friends.
I have eased up on my daughter but still feel I have cheated her by falling into the fear trap. She never experienced the freedom that I did as a kid.
I support your cause 100%. Get the kids outside, teach them to meet new people, play fair, get shut down..and bounce back, be home on time, be responsible for themselves, make new friends, discover new places.
Thank you for having the courage to dig past the ignorant attacks and keep up the fight.
I agree with your point of view. I grew up in Europe and spend most of my childhood outside playing with others. Whenever the weather allowed we would be outside right after school was out, all day on weekends and also during school breaks. We would leave early in the morning and come home in the evening when the street lights turned on.
When I was 10, my friends and I would take our bikes and we would ride them to the next town over and climb all over an old castle ruin all day. We would built forts in the woods. There was never any adult on the playground with us.
How can you raise an independent child when you hover over him/her all the time?
When I came to the US I was shocked to see that hardly any children (or adults for that matter) spend time outside in the summer time. What do your children do all day? Sit in front of the TV or computer and play “alone”. Shouldn’t he or she be allowed to interact with others of the same age and find out what it means to be friends? To be independent?
I read one woman’s comment about how she will watch over her kid until he is 18. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Your child will resent you!!!
I am not saying to leave your kid at Central Park all day unsupervised, but if you live in the country or in the suburbs, take them to a playground or park and let them play by themselves for a while, maybe during that time you can sit a small distance back and for once turn off your laptop or cell phone and just enjoy nature or read a book for that matter.
Dear Lenore
I wrote a book (The Death of The Playground) that became a ‘Bestseller’ at Barnes and Noble that talks about the same issues. My premise was that when kids lost the ability to ‘Free-Play’ (play in the absence of parents and adults), they lost the greatest learning experience and opportunity they would ever experience.
Anyway, if you’d like me to send you a copy of ‘The Death Of The Playground’, just contact me and I’d be glad to send it to you.
Kurt Philip Behm
I grew up in Edinburgh, Scotland and London, England. At the age of 5 or 6 I was playing in the street and walking to the corner shop to buy ice cream. In London at the ages of 12 and 13 my best friend and I would pick a direction and cycle in that direction (on the roads) until we were lost or found we were back where we started. These weren’t idyllic communities I grew up in — they were cities with their share of the problems of the 70s and early 80s.
I am inspired by free range kids and all it stands for. Hope to see something like this emerge in the UK.
When my mother and mother in law were growing up, being free to go out and play was the norm.
What saddens me is that my children do not have the freedom now of riding their bike all over the neighborhood because of careless drivers, or suspicious people.
However the only way I do allow this now, is because of the Seminary Community I live in-where we can allow our kids to go in the backyard of the Seminary Housing and play with others, for hours! By themselves! And yet, there is a huge fence that does keep out uninvited guests. There are fellow seminarians that do look out for the kids-some that have their own children and some who just do.
Although, I do think you’re taking this to the extreme, I think this is the beginning of open dialogue that one’s community, one’s neighborhood could band together and make their block safe, so children could once again do what we did as kids.
God’s Peace,
Spiritual Gypsy
I LOVE that this is being promoted! I was allowed yo roam, explore and be home by 5 o’clock. I TEACH my kids how to be safe, think, run and I live in a good neighborhood, but by the water. They enjoy it, are responsible and look out for each other. It’s the way to go!
Lenore,
I was born with Spina Bifida. My parents not only didn’t tell me that I was ‘different’ from the other kids, but they never even coddled me. So, I didn’t even realize I was a cripple until several years after contracting Polio.
I’d get up in the morning, and go outside – where my mother never knew where I might be. I explored my town at only 3 years old, and when some busy-body would dare tell me not to cross the street, go into the woods – I was quite defiant.
I got into a lot of danger, too. When I was a little older, I was abducted by a gang of teens who held a knife to my throat. I would play in the polluted swamps, and once had to rescue my younger brother when he fell into quicksand and sank up to his chest. If my parents had a clue as to what I was actually doing, they probably would’ve had heart attacks, or developed drug problems. All they knew was that their crippled boy would go out in the morning and be home for dinner at 5 – covered in muck, smiling.
I’d go to the playground – with the asphalt surface. I saw a kid crack his head, and I learned from that to be careful. Today, kids are braindead and defenseless. All they know about the outside world is that it’s all flowers and bunnies –so they never learn how to respond when a molester comes along. They have no idea of independence, and are, sadly, emotionally crippled.
These people who desire a perfect world are leading us down a very dangerous path. Children from experience, and these kids are deprived of this most important education.
I would like to write that I support your idea. I have two small children now and I hope I will have the courage to let them enjoy a little freedom when they are older, like I did. I have to admit that media has infected me with a certain amount of fear and it will be hard not to be totally freaked out but I will try because I think our society needs this. Kids aren’t maturing until their twenties and that is just ludicrous.
When my brother and I were young we lived on 10 acres, next to an open 200 acre lot. Our world was big. But we would walk or ride our bikes down to the closest neighborhood to visit and play with friends. We would play for hours without being supervised. I believe it instilled confidence and independence.
I also love the idea of getting to know the neighbors better. Not having grown up in a neighborhood it wasn’t much of an issue but now that I have kids and most likely won’t be able to buy a plot of land, the first thing I will do when we move to a neighborhood will be to introduce myself and get to know the neighbors. With or without kids, I believe this is a very important part of society that has in recent years been lacking.
Anyway, thanks for advocating. It is a scary world but we can’t coddle our children and expect them to survive it when they have no skills for self preservation.
You’re suggesting that there are two kinds of parents….ones who let their children roam freely and those who hover all the time.
I would think that those who fall into the former category have kids who get in trouble because of lack of direction and supervision.
Those in the latter category aren’t allowing their children to grow and think for themselves.
What you are suggesting is just plain stupid. Parents are responsible for their children. It’s our job to make sure they are safe, too. Dropping them off in the park and leaving them there unsupervised is incredibly dangerous. You might as well put a sign on your child that says, “Attention Pedophiles! Mom and dad have left me to fend for myself today. Do you want to play with me?”
I am 100% for raising free range kids and both my children are allowed and encouraged to roam the neighborhood just like I did as a child.
When they were younger (6 & 4) we lived in a very small town and I let them go to the park together – it was 2 blocks away. Now we live in a slightly larger suburb and they are 8 & 6 and they roam the neighborhood, parks, and forest area everyday it’s not raining (sometime then too). My children are confident, independent and capable and I attribute much of that to allowing them freedom to build those attributes. They are also in excellent shape (something that is sorely lacking in the majority of “inside only” kids in the neighborhood).
I realize many mothers in our neighborhood are too scared to let their children outside alone, and I pity those kids and their parents. I know that kids are safer then ever and believe it is imperative that we allow them to grow up without unreasonable fear of the world around them.
Encouraging our children to be independent does not mean we care less about them, it doesn’t mean we aren’t as good at being parents as those that keep theirs on a leash, it doesn’t mean you care more if you hover – in fact the opposite is true for me. I do get scared, I do worry, I do wonder “what if?” but I swallow my fears when they surface and remember that I have prepared my kids well and that my choices will form the kind of adults they will become and then I allow them to fly on their own.
Since we have moved into the neighborhood and allowed out children to roam free – 3 other mothers have come to me to express how happy they are to now let their children outside to run with our kids because now their is safety in numbers. We have started building a community in our neighborhood and it seems that everyday another parent is letting their kid outside to play with the little gaggle of kids running free. It’s a joy to watch and we’re all closer because of it.
I having been raising my own “free range” kid for the past decade, and I love the label! I’m astonished that people seem incapable of assessing and balancing risks and benefits, and making sensible decisions for their children.
Luckily for me, my daughter has lots of good common sense, so I’ve been able to give her quite a lot more freedom than most of her peers. For example, at ages 3-5, she walked alone to her nearby kindergarten.
At age 10, she rode her bicycle a mile to middle school. To my knowledge, she was the only child who did get to that school under her own power. Of course, she had little choice, since I’m a single working mother. A year later, the school relocated several miles further away, but luckily, on a bus route that stopped at our corner. I bought her a cell phone, and from then on she rode the city bus to school. Despite my best efforts, the school refused to let other parents know of the existence of this bus route, and as a result, relatively few students took advantage. A much larger percentage paid enormous fees for a charter shuttle bus service to and from school.
Now, my daughter is nearly 15, and frequently travels by city bus. We talk frequently about how to evaluate risks (cars, predators, getting lost, etc.) and behave safely, and she’s doing fine.
As a mother, of course I worry about her, but I also know that I cannot remove all risk from her life or from my own.
Locking her down would only change the nature of the risks, not eliminate them. (Love your analysis about riding in cars. That is by far the riskiest behavior we engage in!)
Next month, my 15 yo daughter will fly alone to spend a month with friends in China. She will have to change planes in California, clear immigration and customs all on her own both ways, and deal with people who don’t speak any English. Will I worry about her? Of course! Will she have a great time? Almost certainly! Will she grow and benefit from the experience? Without a doubt!
I would also like to comment that there isn’t a pedophile watching every park just waiting to snatch your kids – and if you think so you are paranoid. The pedophile waiting to get to your kid is likely someone you allow IN YOUR HOME. So maybe those of you so afraid to let your children out should think about that fact. I was molested twice by people in my own home – never once had an issue as I roamed the neighborhood.
I both agree and disagree with your ideas of a ‘Free Range’ kid (mostly disagree). I am now 40 years old but I was a child of a single mother who had to work, she had no choice but to allow me to walk to and from school, friends’ houses, babysitters, etc. all by myself. That was simply the way it was. I lived in a small city with little to no crime (reported crime) and we knew almost everyone in our neighborhood. There was a park exactly 1/2 block away from my home and I would play for hours with my friends and we were always unattended. I will share with you a time when a well-groomed, middle-aged man in a business suit came up to my friend and I and took us aside and showed us dirty pictures in a magazine. He said all sorts of disgusting things to us and although I may not recall all that was said, I do recall how I felt hearing him say them. I do not recall how we got away from him but each of us did run home crying. I told my mother but my little friend had not.
You may make the comments that we were free range ourselves and therefore so should our children be…but it is my own experiences as a free range child that tell me supervision cannot harm our children half as much as non-supervision. I would not want my child to experience what I have, and would therefore supervise in some way.
I was free range and I did learn many things on my own and I was and am a very independent person but my innocence was lost forever because I was left unattended at a playground.
I have only told you one story but there are more…. A teen-age boy exposed himself to my friend and I only blocks away from my home, an old man asked me to help him to the mailbox and then proceeded to give me a hug afterwards—a hug that allowed him to put his hands all over my body.
It is because I actually lived the life that you want for our children and had my innocence stolen while in a park, un-supervised, in a wonderful neighborhood full of kind and lovely people…I have to ask you to be mindful of exactly what you are suggesting. Should I happen to be an overprotective parent…let me tell you it is not because of media hype or television dramas…it is because of my own experiences.
Kerri
I’m so sorry these things happened to you. These people were the bad guys, for sure. I see nothing wrong with teaching my children that people like this do exist, and as such, WHAT TO DO in case one of them approaches them and does things such as was done to you.
You knew in your gut this was wrong and you got away. This is exactly what I am teaching my kids. If this feels wrong, then it IS and go with your gut and GO.
But your experiences are still anecdotal. They do not represent the vast majority, but are still thoroughly unacceptable. But the world – and life – does have risk. What did these terrible experiences teach you? Find a positive way to use this to teach – not deprive a child from learning her own gut instincts and what to look for.
Laura
When speaking of the vast majority…no I cannot speak with regards to other’s personal experiences or those who have none. I am also not saying one must hover or smother a child or become paranoid. Had my own mother been present at the park I was at, whether reading a book or doing her nails, the gentleman would not have approached us, let alone made us sit with him. She wouldn’t even have had to be looking in my general direction and I would have been safer than I was and let me tell you…having my mom around did not keep me from running up to other kids asking to play with them and having my mother around did not keep my gut from telling me that it would hurt if I fell from the monkey bars.
What I can tell you is the stories of those people (friends) who have shared with me the experiences of their own lives…
Denise G, a beautiful woman who was at one time my employer. She was a few years older than me so she was a child in the ’60’s. She was taken only a few blocks from her home to a house with a swimming pool. Once there she was ‘rented out’ by the man who had taken her. I do not want to go into detail about what she relayed to me but many years later, as an adult, she committed suicide as the memories still haunted her. I’m sure back then her gut instinct had kicked in…but when force is involved your gut cannot fight back.
Darren K, a former boyfriend and schoolmate. Alerts went through the city I grew up in and travelled to the ‘Big City’ where I now live…a little girl went missing from her front yard. Knowing one of her parents, I rushed to my hometown to join in the search for this little girl only to hear that her body had been found in the bushes surrounding some farmland. She had been raped and murdered. As it turns out, she was murdered by another old schoolmate of mine.
Sheena A, the quiet girl that had become my closest friend in Elementary School. Her father had died of cancer and her mother was working hard to look after Sheena and her older brother. Sheena would go home to an empty house after school and wait for her mother to come home. While playing in her own yard, Sheena was fondled by her next door neighbour. Sheena knew this was wrong and was sickened by it but never told her mother at the time (don’t know if she eventually did or not). Sheena told me but also did not want me to tell anyone because she felt dirty and because she didn’t want to upset or hurt her mother. Sheena knew her mother had no choice but to leave her alone. Her gut told her what happened was wrong but her fear allowed it to happen and her love for her mother allowed it to be kept a secret. I was too young at the time to truly understand the scope of the secret I was keeping and so I never told her secret to anyone.
How about Billy…a nice kid who was a few years younger than me in school. He went to the park right across from my highschool one day and with his friends put paper bags over the heads of 3 young native children and then proceeded to beat them. Everyone was shocked because he was on the sports team, always smiling and an all-round good kid. I’m sure those kids tried to escape, I’m sure they yelled! I’m sure their gut instincts told them that this was bad! But bravo!!! They were “Free Range” children!!!! They will be much better adults because of their time in the park unsupervised!!! Their gut instincts will be perfectly developed although one of them no longer can see out of one eye. But hey! They are going to be better adults because of it.
Please Laura…I do not want to go on telling any more stories about the people in my life. But please know, I make the comment all the time that of all the women I know, only 2 had a sexually uneventful childhood.
Take your kids to the park…supervise from afar…ask another parent there to keep an eye…something. We cannot keep all evils from our children but we can protect them while allowing them to be good, strong, independent little people. Yes, they should trust their gut instincts but I ask you…have you ever had a conversation with someone who was abused? Many abused know they can tell someone…many abused know there is help…many abused have voices and lungs and can yell so the whole world hears it….but many abused feel shame, hurt and dirty and they keep their little secrets to themselves.
And by the way…the experiences I mentioned…along with other experiences (not mentioned) taught me at a young age that no one can be trusted. At a young age I learned that men equalled sex. I learned not to count on anyone because I was meant to ‘go it alone’. I was independent…you bet I was! Gut instinct??? Absolutely!! My gut told me everyone was going to hurt me or take something from me. I had taken myself to school, fed myself, clothed myself, brushed myself off when I fell down and kissed my own boo-boo’s better. I needed no one. Of course my mom taught me that bad people exist and my loving, caring, beautiful mother told me to scream as loudly as I could…’FIRE!!!!!!!!” while running away because that would get people’s attention faster than “HELP!”. I knew all this…so did my friends.
Free range kids is an excellent notion. When I was a boy scout, the adults would recede into the back round until they were practically invisible. The kids were too involved in their activities to notice, activities like cooking camp meals, pitching tents, orienteering, tying knots, lashing poles, fishing, paddling canoes, some times during very inclement weather. Likewise when I had a paper route when I was a whole ten years old, delivery and subscription collections were done during sub freezing weather…Today children are treated like hobbits, they never go outside. I tell my nephews that for every hour of screen time, tv, puter, etc. they have to be outside. I tell them “dig a ditch, hike down by the creek at the end of the street, climb a tree, play catch with a hardball and gloves, run a race, do something, anything that doesn’t involve drooling mindlessly in front of a screen.” One hour of screen time=one hour outside.
I’m still stunned at the degree of baseless paranoia we as Americans seem to have internalized. I shouldn’t be surprised given that the media optimizes for titillation/ratings, but there are ample peer-reviewed studies in both the social sciences and criminology to demonstrate that people instinctively have completely wacky perceptions of risk. Not being savvy with what numbers and statistics mean doesn’t help matters.
I want to share one real-world fact with you. For some of you it may cause you to lose sleep, for others, it will probably seem like a completely common sense matter.
I fly airplanes. Not for a living, but for fun and business on occasion. My great-grandfather was one of the earlier folks to do it too, and his name is on a plaque in the National Air and Space Museum along with a number of other Early Birds of Aviation like Curtiss, Wright, Cessna, and more. Many companies still bear their names today.
Pilots were flying before there was any government regulation of that activity. In fact it was experimenters who had to convince the US government (and others) that these crazy airplane things might be useful in some way or another to the military.
To this day, there’s no such thing as a “pilot’s license” in the United States. There’s a “certificate.”
When learning to fly an aircraft, one starts by flying with an instructor. At some point every day, all over the United States and most other countries with aviation (if not all of them), the instructor gets out of the airplane and tells the student to fly the aircraft by his or herself. This is called “soloing.”
You heard me correctly, all over the world, every day, people are flying machines even though they’re not actual certificated pilots yet. Sure, they have a document that they got after a physical that indicates that they don’t have any medical conditions likely to incapacitate them. But that’s about it.
Eventually, these people are sent out to fly a trip that can’t be fewer than 150 miles in length. Do they use common sense and plan ahead? Sure. But they’re out there by themselves and don’t have an actual pilot certificate yet.
It turns out that in the aviation training realm, many governments and militaries have spent millions of dollars to discover that the development of skills while flying on one’s own is critical to proper decisionmaking and the ability to handle emergencies later in one’s aviation career.
This is an unforgiving environment. It’s not unsafe but it’s extremely easy to have a small mistake snowball into a fatal experience. There are VOLUMES of work dedicated to documenting the dangers of insufficient self-reliance.
Why? Because when an inflight emergency happens, sometimes one only has seconds within which to respond. If one doesn’t have the confidence to make a decision or is paralyzed by doubt, the consequences can be dire. So the process of instruction is intended to LET THE PERSON MAKE MISTAKES. Over and over, and at first with someone present, but later all by themselves.
To protect an aviator from making mistakes is to create a dangerous condition (lack of confidence, self-reliance, and imagination in responding to dangers) that will likely kill them later.
I’m mystified as to why it would be any different with kids.
One thing I keep hearing …” If we can save but ONE child..” Pehaps that is part of the problem… People feeling that they have to take responsibility for everyone else’s percieved failings. Perhaps we need to concentrate on our own lives and not so much on how other people are not conforming to our personal standards.
My girls are grown up now but I raised them to be independent and self sufficient. They were given pets and livestock to care for at an early age to teach them the importance of caring for other creatures. They were given bicycles and sneakers and balls which were used hard. In high school each of them had summer jobs. When it came time for college both girls loaded their cars themselves and drove themselves to their respective colleges. They were responsible for paying their own bills on time and finding the resources to solve their problems. I can proudly say they are successful adults. Free range is the ONLY way to raise your children. Any parent who doesn’t allow a child to be independent and responsible is the negligent parent.
I would approve of “take your kids to the park and leave them all day” except for the fact that there are more pedophiles than ever before that roam parks looking for” fresh meat” If this was 1950 and Billings, Montana when one could sleep outside at night and not have to lock ones doors, I would fully agree, but unfortunately, it’s 2010 where victims have no rights and thanks to the ACLU, lax police departments, gang bangers, drug dealers and their ilk. It’s not a safe place to take kids and leave them there. There are better areas than others, but look what happened to John Walsh’s kid, Adam. He was left unattended in a shopping mall toy store and a pedophile-predator picked him up and murdered him within hours of his abduction. People are too busy to be “my brother’s keeper” and are too concerned with doing there own thing to be on the lookout for child predators.
FOR! Absolutely, unequivocally. Even before it had a name. In my heart I knew something was wrong. Now I try every day, in little ways, to work toward having my kids be 100% free range, to the extent that they are able in accordance with their age and level of maturity and responsibility.
Thank you.
FOR! Thank you for standing up for common sense – I applaud you. I am a mother and grandmother and had the privilege of raising my chldren in the country in Oregon and now to see that my daughter is encouraging her children to explore the world around them without her in tow is a good thing.
In the winter of 1980 when my third child was an infant and we had all been cooped up in the house together for too long – on the first sunny day I sent the 4 and 5 year old out to play – they ended up in a field next to us with a ditch running through it – I would glance out the window occasionally to see them playing happily in their rubber boots. When there was a knock on my door – a man who was jogging by had stopped to tell me those kids were in danger of drowning and I was a bad mother. I shut the door in his face thinking to myself ‘go mind your own business’ so you see the madness goes back aways!
I think that what Kerri is describing is not unusual at all. It is similar to the experience in my childhood neighborhood.
However, I am still a free-range, hopefully with some improvements on how my free-range parents were.
First, when I was a kid, parents weren’t as open about things that could happen. There was a vague sense that there are bad people out there, but not enough concrete information about what to watch out for and what to do about it.
Moreover, there was no serious attempt in those days to tell children that if and when these things happened, it did NOT mean that the child was bad. There was no emphasis on our rights to be left alone and for our bodies to be respected. When a dirty old man attacked me, I was afraid to yell or to use self-defensive violence to get away, and then I rationalized that it was my own fault, and I felt all kinds of horrible but still never told on the guy. The damage wasn’t so much what was done to me as what a big shameful deal I made out of it in my own head.
I hope to teach my daughters that they can be both respectful and respected at the same time. That adults who cross a certain line are always wrong, that they always have a right to protect themselves, and that it is never their fault if something like that happens. Also, that for every man who would hurt them, there are many other men who would respect and protect them.
If kids could understand that they have an absolute right to have their bodies respected even by adults, then they would be less likely to be severely victimized. And if they could understand that these acts involving adults (or older kids) are not their fault, then they would be less vulnerable to life-altering emotional trauma.
I don’t think that any child, free-range or otherwise, can be kept entirely safe from perverts. I do feel that combining free-range principles with the right kind of attitudes about their bodies is the best formula for helping kids get through the troubles they will encounter, even those brought upon them by perverts.
Wow great site! I “attachment parented” my babies and toddlers, and then, when I felt they were “secure enough” (whatever that means), I kicked them outside. When the boys were three, I spent a lot of time on the front porch watching them play in our cul de sac with the neighbor kids. By the time they were four, I let them play outside independently, checking on them by glancing out the window or making a phone call from time to time. The rule is they can’t leave the cul de sac without my permission. My seven year old rides his bike to school, even in the rain the other day. He WANTED to, and besides, he’s not made of sugar, he’s not gonna melt. I can’t wait until he is old enough to learn how to take the city bus, or babysit his little brother after school.
As a kid growing up in the country, I would ride my horse or bike for miles, explore the woods, the river, and “camp” in the back yard. I also stood in the rain while waiting for the bus. At age 11 I was babysitting newborns. As a result, I’m very resourceful and became very independent and responsible at an early age. Something that became very evident when I went to college…
One more thing, free range parents don’t have to set up “play dates”. Gawd I hate that. Nothing worse than someone dropping off their child at a pre appointed time so that I am then forced to “babysit” them. Free range kids amuse themselves and find other free range kids to play with.
Fantastic!
Those that think this is a bad idea, need to give their heads a shake. We’re not talking about abandonment here, just about some limited independance. Start with a buddy system and some walkie talkies. This allows the parent to check-in. If your goal is to raise children into frightened adults, keep hovering…sheesh.
For!
I have 2 little boys I am trying to raise free range. My parents couldn’t have raised me more differently. At 4, my one son LOVES to help me cook. He is careful, ne uses hot pads, he knows how to use the stove and not to screw around.
EVERY SINGLE TIME my dad sees this, he lectures me! “Its too dangerous” “what if he slips?” “what if he gets burned?” “what if the glass stove top breaks?”
Or, what if he learns to cook? What if he learns to be responsible? What if he’s picking up a “hobby” he will enjoy the rest of his life?
I finally told my dad, until he could promise me, there was NO WAY in the world, that while I cooked, my son wouldn’t be running through the living room, trip over his own foot, and put his arm through the window, I didn’t want to hear anymore about helping me cook!
With overprotective parents growing up, and suffering the consequences of an overprotective childhood ( obesity, depression,anxiety,etc) I want my future children to have better. Even my boyfriend ( who grew up with “helicopter parents”) agrees with me on a lot of points when it comes to free range kids. He’s seen the consequences of modern child rearing as he teaches high school, and he has seen how modern child rearing practices are hurting kids. He says he thinks parents are crazy when they sit their kids indoors with violent and sexually charged media ( like his father did, and I can understand why he is so anti TV now), while worrying about almost none existent dangers. Also he thinks teenagers need to learn more responsibility for their behavior these days-and it should start at an early age.
I was a free-range kid in a town of about 8,000 people. I rode my bike or walked just about everywhere. I *know* I was all over the neighborhood by age 7, but not sure how young it started. Until high-school, we lived .8 miles from school, so we walked. (I was the oldest.) Running to the grocery store for mom, etc.
My son is 4, and – personality-wise – is VERY independent. I don’t think we could avoid free-range, if we even wanted to, for our own sanity!
We live in a mostly residential neighborhood in St Louis City. It’s about 8 blocks x 4 blocks, bordered by busy main streets that are a mix of commercial & residential. We’ve walked our neighborhood since he was an infant, and now HE leads ME to the nearby stores. I know that in our immediate neighborhood, he wouldn’t be lost for long, but it’ll be a couple years before he’s ready to do it on his own.
Due to being in a 2nd floor apt, with no windows looking into the backyard, I don’t let him play alone there. (Knowing him, he WOULD run off!) I sometimes let him play in the front, if I or our upstairs neighbor is on the balcony. He’s allowed the balcony (if following the basic safety limits). He’s allowed – after asking permission – to go a few doors down to ask if a neighbor boy can come play with him. (I stay on the balcony, for now.)
Most of our free-range, right now, is basic skills. Look & listen for cars coming at intersections. Knowing the neighborhood. He’s allowed to shop in other aisles, in all of our frequented stores. He’s given money, so he can buy his own items, in his own checkout line.
He’s shown a recent interest in maps, so we’re working on that right now.
He’s an EARLY riser (5:30am is NORMAL for him), so he gets his own (uncooked) breakfast. His dishes & silverware & snacks are all where he can get them himself.
His most recent independent accomplishment was for Mother’s Day. His dad recently moved out, and didn’t offer to help. I explained about Mother’s Day, and he said he was going to buy me roses. So I listed one of his old toys on Craigslist and HE got the money. I took him to our regular grocery store and explained to a lady in floral what he wanted to do, then left for the produce section. He picked out the flowers, she checked him out & gave him change. When we got home, he hid them in his closet, and “surprised” me the next morning. 🙂
We haven’t run into many problems with others, as far as his independence goes… YET. But I’ve avoided playgroups, etc. And he’s about to start school. SO HAPPY to have read your book, so I’m prepared and “armed”, when issues crop up in the future.
Yay for us.
Can’t Believe We Made It!
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s or even the early 80’s, probably
shouldn’t have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or
cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no! helmets.
Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ..
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell
phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents.
They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to
get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it
would happen, we did not put out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang
the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t
had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of! parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or
broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers,
and inventors, ever.
We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility — and we learned
how to deal with it.
And you’re one of them!
Congratulations.
Doesn’t that make you feel good, and I bet you you smiled remembering all
those times. I did.
Hi, folks. Did you know that 3-year-olds are not supposed to sweat?
Today I was reprimanded by 2 preschool teachers because, yesterday, my kids wore long sleeves / half sleeves to school. And showed up that way again today. (Hey, it’s cool in the early morning, it was frigid last Friday, how’m I supposed to know it’s going to be a scorcher?)
“Don’t you have any short sleeves for them?!”
“We play outside!”
“Yesterday they got all sweaty!”
“We had to change them into some donated clothes because all you have in their bin is long sleeves!”
(Um, it’s May, and it was snowing just a couple weeks ago, and this is the hottest it’s been since August…cut me some slack, I work 7 days a week.)
So Free-Rangers, help me out. Is it a national crisis if my kids sweat? I seem to remember doing a fair amount of sweating as a kid, and it never led to any problems other than being a bit more tempting to the mosquitoes.
What do you think? Are my kids being abused?
sheesh. No. Send a couple of short sleeves for the “bin” and tell the operators that if your kids seem to be overly warm, to give them some water. You expect them to work up a sweat; it shows they’re healthy! 🙂
Against.
As a child my friend and I were adbucted on the way to school by a stranger. We were molested. The buddy system failed me and so did the people that should have been supervising/protecting me. Sure I was taught what to do when approached by a stranger. It doesn’t help. Always supervise your children. Don’t let what happened to me happen to your children. And don’t be naive enough to think that it can’t happen to you or yours. The stats are wrong because most people don’t report this incidents.
Karin – I’m so sorry that happened to you! It should not have, and that’s for sure.
Still – you can’t really say, “this doesn’t work.” It didn’t appear to work for you in this case – can I ask what prevented you from getting away? Or what you did do to try and stop the stranger? Was he reported? Times now – it’s not such a ‘sin’ or a ‘shame’ to report on these awful people.
No one has said these instances never happen. However, they still do happen far, far less than we are scared into believing. Empowerment and education.
Again, I am so sorry this happened to you and your friend, and I hope the person was punished for their crime.
Definitely for free range kids! I have just read your article in The Times and agree with it wholeheartedly. My 8 year old son goes out with his friends to play on his bike in the summer and they go sledging in the winter. He only comes home when he’s hungry! He has a lot more freedom than I did when I was younger but I lived in a town with quite a lot of busy traffic and we now live in rural Scotland so that does have a bearing on things. I can understand the anxieties that some folks have expressed about giving their children more freedom as it is dependant on circumstances. I am so fortunate to live in a community where most folks know each other and watch out for each other’s children when they’re out playing.
I am joining the movement! Keep on doing the good work. I am a mother of 3 boys, 10, 8, and 4. Up until recently i was an overprotective parent, and realize now I was protecting them from growing up. Its time for kids to be kids, and for parents to stop being lazy. Its far too easy to let our kids grow up inside. Set the children free!!
Hello 🙂 I remember that last year you came to our class 6L (remember the sixth grade teacher Ms Drusin?) and you interviewed Natalie and Anise, I think.
Just read your book last week and it was an eye opener! I never thought of myself as an overprotective parent, but I guess I am. Today my 10-year old daughter walked home from music class alone. I was nervous and it was fine, and she feels so proud.
My husband and I moved our family from suburban England to rural South Africa over 5 years ago partly to gain the kind of space and freedom for our children that we had enjoyed (my husband came from Africa). We have never regretted the decision.
Our son (10) and daughter (8) spend a great deal of time outside with no adult supervision. We have a 21-hectare smallholding which borders their grandparents’ and aunt’s 21-hectare smallholding, so they have 42 hectares of wild bush at their disposal. There are no lions, leopards etc but there are smaller (non-dangerous) wild animals about.
They cycle, walk barefoot, play with the dogs, climb trees, build bivouacs, make swords out of sticks, visit the other family houses, collect insects and generally do all the things that kids used to do in the old days, before we were told to hover over our children.
People tell us our children are remarkably independent and confident, particularly the younger one. They have learnt to solve problems themselves rather than calling on their parents every time. They have learnt to use their common sense – does this hole look like it might contain a snake? Better stay away. These are all life skills that they would not have learnt so easily from sitting in front of a TV for hours on end.
Neither of them has been taken to hospital for any kind of accident in the 5.5 years we’ve been here. There was one accident at school requiring stitches at the doctor’s surgery though! And that was while they were supervised. Supervision clearly isn’t the be-all and end-all.
I spend a lot of time on the internet. I blog, twitter & facebook. My family has never questioned the way I manage my daughter’s physical safety, but the web stuff makes them nervous. I often have to defend my decision to publish a blog. I consider my daughter’s feelings and her need for privacy, but the social connection we enjoy from the internet makes the small risk totally worth it. It is the way people communicate now and there is no point putting our heads into the sand. Social media is not going away and I intend to educate my child and help her learn to use the internet responsibly and in moderation.
I recently posted to my blog about my feelings on facebook fear. Stop by if you can.
http://bit.ly/cx3TmH
You rock! I have raised a wonderful, independent 14 year old boy who regularly takes the bus on his own, etc..but has friends, even at 14, who still get driven everywhere and taken on “play dates” Sheesh! He is already his own man and makes his own plans and arranges his own transportation (and has been doing so for years) Yes, he played outside all day when he was younger – but in fairness, we did live on a small and safe cul-de-sac in the suburbs! But, the joy of having your kid run in and out all day, laughing, playing hockey in the street with his friends…priceless…
I try to take free range baby steps. We started off letting our 6 year old ride his bike on our quiet road alone. three houses left, and three houses right. Then we let him and a friend ride to another boy’s house. They were gone less than 10 minutes. If he continues to follow the rules we give him, we will loosen up more and more.
It seems like it drives other people crazy! I love what you are doing. Keep promoting FREE RANGE KIDS!!!
Baby step…. we just let our 8 and 9 year old boys ride around our neighborhood… to the pool and back. They were fine and loved it.
Thank you for reminding me how my childhood was.
How about a compromise? My kids do a lot of stuff but know what the boundaries are. Everything doesn’t have to be black and white.
I agree with some things on this site. I think that if you live in a place where you feel comfortable letting your kids go outside and play, or walk places, that’s great. (However, I’d also like to note that you can do fun stuff with your kids without smothering them… like letting them help cook with you, gardening with them if you live somewhere where you can do that, teaching them how to fix things, letting them help give you directions while driving, playing games WITH them and/or their friends, etc. That way, you can be supervising them, especially if they’re younger, but not in a clingy way.)
However, I think that some of the unspoken assumptions need to be addressed: what kinds of kids are we talking about here? Boys or girls? White children or children of color? What economic backgrounds? What environment? Because all of these things and many more affect children’s experiences in the world. I know that my mom would probably be considered free-range because her mom was working to support their family and didn’t have time to always watch her. My mom supervised us more than that because we were in a place socioeconomically where she could devote time to making sure that we were taken care of, especially when we were little. So that we didn’t have to deal with some of the things she did that made her grow up faster. And I respect that choice.
I think that we just need to be careful in making the assumption that all kids are relatively safe everywhere. Like it or not, we do live in a culture where females in particular are often subject to harassment, where violence is normalized, and where racism is a reality. We definitely can’t ignore these things. Sometimes this creates conditions that are not so great for kids. For example, a lot of the same things that are covered in the news also affect children of color (often disproportionately) and get less coverage when that’s the case. I think that this just needs to be taken into account… some autonomy is good, but the level of autonomy allowed here couldn’t happen everywhere. There’s a degree of privilege in assuming that every kid will be safe most of the time… is it because these things “don’t happen” [to people like me]? Just something to think about.
I agree that we should teach kids to be ready to handle these things, but at a time that is appropriate for the child. Not every 9 year old can ride the subway alone, or would want to, if given a choice in the matter. So I think knowing your kid, your neighborhood, and your reality should be the ultimate guide for how much freedom you give your kids.
Aay-Jay – Free range kids are kids who do stuff with boundaries.
Commentator: A wonderful description of all of the things that parents have to keep in mind in determining the balance between independence and supervision. A friend of mine is an African American single mom with a 16 year old son, living in an area with lots of gangs. She is keeping him alive driving him to school and to friends houses on the weekend.
Wonderful content and wonderful topic!
We are ‘THOSE’ people because we allow our kids to learn, how to fall, how to pick themselves up, and how to ‘Figure things out!”
We applaud and support you, your website, and your cause!
I am a first time mom of a four month old son. I wouldn’t think of raising him to be anything other than a free range kid. I find my parental philosophy differs greatly from the other moms in our baby group. When my son drops his pacifier, I dust it off and put it back in. I figure he’ll be crawling around and shoving everything he can get his hands on right in his mouth in a few more months anyway. Besides, whatever happened to the five second rule? You’d think I was purposely trying to kill him by giving him back the pacifier. If you think I’m exaggerating, read this transcript from one mom’s facebook page:
“From what I’ve heard you should try to keep the binkie as sterile as possible. They can be real transmitters of diseases to infants… [Use] hot water if you got nothing else, but mostly keep that thing sanitized…especially if you’ve been out in public. Scenario: you’re walking down the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, your child takes the pacifier out of her mouth. A passerby with a Streptococcal infection in the early stages sneezes and some droplets get on your baby’s pacifier. You reach down to check on your baby and see that the pacifier has fallen to the bottom of the stroller, you don’t have any hot water nearby, and even if you did the gram-positive bacteria does not get washed off and is a thermophile so does well in hot temperatures anyway. I’m just saying, if you put that pacifier in the baby’s mouth and if it’s a listeria type of strain…you’re going to have some serious life threatening problems on your hands. Use a binky, just keep it clean, boil it before use, keep a second or third sanitized one on hand. Even if your baby doesn’t get sick or doesn’t show symptoms, she can still carry a bacteria or virus that can be transmitted to someone else who is not as resistant.”
Seriously? All I could say when I read this is “WTF?!” You hear about so many kids dropping dead from contaminated pacifiers these days, right? It would be laughable if they weren’t so serious about it.
These women boil their breastpump parts, bottles, and pacifiers every single day. I have the same pump so I know the manufacturers instructions specifically state to boil it before the first use, then wash with hot soapy water from then on.
I suspect they won’t be asking me to watch their kids anytime soon.
We’re raising free-range kids. I copied the last page of your book with the “I’m not lost!” card, but then we lost the last of the copies (and gave the book back) and so I thought, hey, I’ll just look on the website for a template. But you don’t seem to have it! I was surprised. So we made up our own, but it doesn’t look as official.
Yes, it got used once, when my 7 yr old was leaving an after school program. We’re sending her to the store to buy milk now, we’ll see if she needs the card, or if she succeeds in finding milk.
Commentor makes an interesting point re race. I have no idea what issues non-white kids and their parents face. Are white kids more likely to get snatched because they’re worth more on the human trafficking market? Or is white knds getting snatched just reported more in the mainstream media?
Danielle, I have a personal a theory about germs and such that has not to my knowledge been studied or tested except anecdotally. It is that a child must be exposed to some level of germs if they are going to be able to develop a strong immune system. Anecdotally, all of the chlldren, including my own, who are raised with exposure to dirt and germs here and there, such as an object they were chewing on falls to the ground and the parent picks it up and wipes it off and gives it back to the child, and ALL of these children who are now adults have an extremely low incidence of illness.
thank goodness their ‘s someone else out there like myself!! how refreshing to know that im not alone. i’ll be sure to pick up her books. the more we interfere when our children at play the more out of wack they become. that can’t possibly focus on something long enough if a parent is around constantly saying “be careful” watch out for that puddle” let them get muddy , go through the puddle their kids thats what their supposed to be doing. i see and hear soooo much noise {parent blah blah blah } that i have to try my best to tune out because its so rampant. i could go on and on . so i think you know my vote. rule of thumb WATCH FROM AFAR . ciao
The hard part is that we also have helicopter teachers, principals, neighbors, grandparents ect. I am one of those parents who had to allow my children to walk home alone and stay home alone while I worked, and they still do. People comment all the time, the youngest is 12 and the oldest is 18. Really? How can I possibly leave them home alone? Yet, as a result I have 4 responsible children who can get along with each other and make decisions. Allowing them to fail not only teaches them how to get up, but it teaches them that we are there for real support as they begin to stand again, rather then waiting to say “I told you so” or “you shouldn’t have done that, see what happens?” I am so glad I stumbled across your page!
I am for Free Range Kids, When I first heard your story I really didn’t know what to think because I have no experience of NYC or the subway. But you are obviously on the same page is me and mine. I let my preschool aged children play in the backyard by themselves but we do have rules and precautions in place there are latches on the gates they can’t work, the older one is required to come inside and get me if anyone tries to get in the gate, which means once a month I get a nice chat with the meter man. Our yard is as baby proofed as any room in our house. Which kids will turn out better the one playing outside while mom makes dinner or the one in front of the tv? who will be healthier.
I have been a fan of Free-range since before you started this site – just never had a name for it! I am finally commenting because tomorrow is the last day of school. Half day. We alway go to the local ice cream shop afterward. My 7th grader just happens to get out 60 minutes earlier than the elementary school kids. She intends to walk with a large group from the middle school, about 2 miles. I estimate the mob will arrive 45 minutes later. My daughters boyfriend will be in that group.
YES, she is 13, she has a boyfriend. Dating? Not allowed. Roaming in groups at mid-day, meeting at a public swimming pool or showing up to watch his baseball game – just peachy. ANYWAY, he will be there, and texted her via her new phone at least 5 times this afternoon wanting to know how she would be getting home. Walk. Walk. Really, walk.
There will be GOBS of parents and kids there all afternoon. She will walk past the grocery store – half of the employees live in our neighborhood. She’ll walk past the pediatricians office, our fave small locally owned bookstore, confectionery (probably also mobbed tomorrow), post office and the music shop where she takes guitar lessons. About the time they arrive I will probably be walking past in the opposite direction to meet my 9 year old and walk back with her (and the 5 year old) for their ice cream. In reality, we’ll probably walk home together. Maybe. 13 year olds can be moody.
His Mom, who we have never met, seeing as this boyfriend thing is new to us and they have only ever sat next to each other in class prior to tomorrow, and who only knows that she intends to walk, wants to drive her home because it is too far and dangerous. I’m not sure she realizes they are walking even farther to get there. I probably shouldn’t tell her that my daughter has been riding her bike to the grocery store and that particular ice cream shop by herself for a few years. And without a phone, as she was not allowed to have one until this past weekend! I should definitely NOT tell her that my 9 year old (also sans phone, as she will be for 4 more years) has walked 1.75 miles home from school by herself PASSING the ice cream shop.
Or maybe I should. Might solve the problem of a boyfriend at 13?
When I finally have kids, I’m totally planning on being free range… Unlike the parents who are considering microchipping their children:
http://www.boston.com/community/moms/blogs/in_the_parenthood/2010/06/would_you_implant_a_microchip_in_your_child.html
At least the majority of the commenters agree that it’s a terrible idea!
I really liked this quote from the first ladies Blog on the Letsmove.gov website. It’s about a month old now — 5/17 — but still fantastic.
To the Mom who asked about sweaty kids — apparently someone in our governemnt thinks it great to sweat! And to let kids get thirsty — no one stopping the fun to tell them to rehydrate! And they all walked to school, together. Perfect.
Enjoy
Denise
“Children today are spending half as much time outdoors as their parents did – and on average, more than six hours per day in front of electronic media. Research cited in the report attributes the poor health of many of today’s children in part to a “generational decline in the level of outdoor recreation in natural environments.” It states that children are “healthier, happier, and have better social skills if they have frequent opportunities for free and unstructured play outdoors.”
The report acknowledges that federal lands, such as National Parks, Forests and Wildlife Refuges, provide ideal venues for a range of activities that can be enjoyed for a lifetime. As the manager of one-fifth of the nation’s landmass, the U.S. Department of the Interior oversees some 2,400 sites across the country, from Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, to Nevada’s Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area, to Seal Island National Wildlife Refuge in Maine. Meanwhile, our friends at the U.S. Forest Service manage some 193 million acres of national forests and grasslands at more than 170 locations across the country.
Many of these places are located in or near urban centers, allowing children and parents to experience the benefits of outdoor recreation within their own communities. Still, there is much work to be done to extend these opportunities to all American families. The report recommends a comprehensive approach to “increase the number of safe and accessible parks and playgrounds, particularly in underserved and low income communities.”
Last week, I witnessed firsthand how a community park can boost the health and well being of local residents. Along with Tom Tidwell, Chief of the U.S. Forest Service, and Robert Stanton, Senior Advisor to Secretary Salazar, I helped lead an outdoor activity event at Fort Dupont Park in Southeast D.C. Part of Washington’s former network of Civil War Defenses, the park is a rare example of protected space within a maze of development, boasting 375 acres of rolling fields and wooded hills just yards away from a major highway.
Nearly 100 kids from nearby Kimball Elementary School participated in fun, energetic activities such as mountain biking, hiking, and a relay game called, “Race to the Sun.” One group of kids trekked up to the park’s community garden, where they planted the first rows of vegetable seeds and learned about growing and eating organic produce. At the end of the afternoon, the kids walked back to school with huge grins on their faces – sweaty, thirsty, and invigorated from an afternoon of healthy recreation.
I am a thoroughly paranoid and superstitious person – there is danger lurking in every basement, bugs bite and sting because they’re out to get me, I don’t like to come home to a dark house because, oh my god who knows what’s lurking there… When my daughter was born, I drank the Kool Aid and absorbed everything every one ever said about the dangers my child would face out there – in the world…
And now my oldest daughter (13) is suffering from such severe anxiety she has missed school, doesn’t know how to make new friends, and is generally sad and depressed.
I have no one to blame but myself.
Too late, I realized my mistakes, and now my husband and I are back pedaling with her – trying to encourage independence – to take responsibility for herself – trying to get her to see that choices are just choices – and a bad one isn’t going to ruin her life.
I’m doing a better job with our younger child – she’s 11 and she gets up and gets dressed and makes herself breakfast and walks home with her friends. And we have lovely conversations in the morning while she’s getting ready, but she does it herself, thank you very much.
I guess I ultimately realized that helicopter parenting isn’t about protecting your child – it’s actually one of the most selfish and self absorbed things we do: it’s about protecting ourselves – no one wants to be the one who’s lack of vigilance caused an accident – No one wants to be the one who can never forgive herself.
But I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for not allowing my 13yr old be independent. So there you go.
I want to recommend a series of novels for families that my girls and I just love – they were written in the 1940s and 50s by Elizabeth Enright : the first one is called The Saturdays, and it’s about 4 kids living in NYC who pool their money so each kid can have her/his own adventure one saturday a month. Each kid goes off into NYC all by his/her self — no parents, no nanny – They are the most wonderful novels – the kids’ father is responsible and loving – but these children live exciting independent lives – My girls and I just loved them.
I was a FRK growing up in the 70s and 80s. I’m now the mother of 5 and probably what you would consider a helicopter parent. Here’s why. Growing up with little parental supervision, I experienced many things including learning to drink alcohol at age 10, watching a neighbor’s older brother roll marijuana cigarettes, losing my virginity at a young age, looking at a neighbor’s dad’s Playboy magazines, getting sexually molested, and the list goes on. I grew up in a normal, middle class, suburban neighborhood and made good grades. We were allowed to bike all over the neighborhood and only had to show up at home for dinner. My parents had no clue where we were or who we were with. I don’t worry about my kids being abducted and I trust them but there are real dangers to their moral and spiritual welfare out there. Maybe with the advent of cell phones, parents can keep better tabs on their kids when not in view, but I think it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Kath: From your description, it’s quite possible that there’s a hereditary component to your daughter’s anxiety. Are you getting professional advice?
Kelly, you weren’t raised free range, that was neglect. Free range parents may let their kids out of signt but they know where they are.
Kath – stop beating yourself up and taking all the blame for your daughter’s problems. I have four brothers and sisters and even though we were raised by the same parents, we are all really different. You are helping your daughter deal with her issues and grow, so you are being a good mom. As moms we get to take some of the credit for how well our children are doing, and some of the blame for their problems, but we can’t take all of the credit for their success as people, nor all of the blame when their lives aren’t perfect. Each of our children are individuals who come into the world with their own genetic mix and personalities, and they use that mix to interpret their world. They are also responsible for who they become. So be gentle with yourself.
Support FRK – both my husband and I . We are raising two boys. Can’t imagine raising them any other way. This weekend we are at a cabin on a lake. Our six year old, by himself, is paddling around in the kayak – he even hopped out and swam to shore when the wind got too strong and he needed our help to get the boat back (he was only four lots down and had his life jacket on). He came inside with a huge smile on his face ready to tell me all about the adventure he just had! Cool memory for him and proud of myself that I gave him some freedom to have the adventure. He is also baiting his own fishing hook and catching sunfish by the dozens. Most he can take off the hook and toss back on his own. Only injury so far is a minor cut on his thumb from the hook – that is what neosporin and bandaids are for. My four-year old is jumping in the lake off the dock (again with his life-jacket on) and loving it! With a huge smile on his face yesterday, he said to me “I can’t believe I am swimming in a lake!”. Loving it!
Dear Lenore:
I heard your description of our childhood the other night when you were on Radio Times (Philly NPR) — I’m in Southern New Jersey these days — and became very nostalgic and extremely appreciative of just how “free range” we were growing up in the Chicago burbs in the 60’s and 70’s. My wife (an early childhood school consultant) and I have been pretty FR-ish with our two teen-aged daughters and both have become productive members of society, let alone self-confident world travelers! Keep it up! You are terrific (as always).
Good for you Lenore! I FULLY support the free-range “movement.” I would rather it not have to be called a movement and just be called a normal way of raising healthy, happy children, but I won’t quibble over semantics.
As a free-range child of the 1980s and 1990s (when I believe you said crime hit its peak), I was allowed to play, ride my bike, and pretty much do anything I wanted within about ten city blocks in my medium-sized-city neighborhood. It was heaven for a kid, and our neighbors regularly kept an eye on the local kids who would go running through their front yards. I wasn’t usually supposed to cross the two busy streets that outlined our neighborhood, but I still crossed them when I walked to school EVERY DAY, and with permission of my parents to ride my bike to the carryout.
I was hit with a huge culture shock when my family moved my sister and me to the suburbs before junior high. I couldn’t ride my bike anywhere (most stores and friends were too far away) and most parents didn’t let their kids go anywhere anyway. It was uncommon to knock on someone’s door to see if they could play (you had to call to set something up first), and it seemed that most of the kids I talked to were intimidated when I told them I had lived in the city. These kids’ parents were also more likely to be “helicopter” parents. I had never lived in a place where parents asked you what grade you received on EVERY assignment. A quarterly report card was enough for my mom and dad.
When I went to college at a selective public school in Ohio in 2003, I was shocked once again at the level of “helicoptering” some kids experienced. At 18, I was fully prepared to live on my own. My parents and sisters drove me down to school, helped me unpack, and were on their way a few hours later. For the next four years, I would see them on holiday vacations and try to call once a week, but I basically lived on my own, and it was a wonderful experience. Not so for most of my peers. I was astonished that many of them had no clue how to perform basic tasks like laundry (one friend tried to put detergent into the dryer). Another friend of mine asked how to make ice (really?!). And another, who was 20 years old at the time, still received birthday presents from her parents on her SISTER’S birthday (so she didn’t feel left out)! These were supposedly the best and the brightest in the state. These were the valedictorians and National Merit Scholars who were supposed to be the future leaders of the world. What I found was that while their parents ensured they looked good on paper and “helicoptered” their kids’ way into a great college, once they got there, these kids were dismally unprepared for real life. Many of them failed classes, or got involved in heavy drinking and partying. It’s sad. I, on the other hand, graduated magna cum laude with honors in four years—all without my parents holding my hands the entire way.
Thank you Helynna and ebohlman for your thoughts and kind words – there is a genetic component and my daughter and I are seeing therapists – but more importantly, both my daughter and I are learning to “let go” and venture out into the world more – it’s a beautiful thing. I love Stephany’s story here – I think it’s really important that kids be able to do their own laundry or scrub a sink or toilet – she shows that free range parenting isn’t about simply opening the door and letting your children loose in the world, it’s about giving your kids the tools they need, then allowing them to make and learn from mistakes. I just love this – I think it’s really important.
How we need more moms like you. Hell, how I needed a mom like you. I grew up using buses, hitchhiking as I got older and often as kids we traveled two or three together. Not a safety measure but because it was just more fun to go downtown with a buddy. My mother was a complete and total worry freak but we only had one car, which was seldom in driveway. So if we wanted to go to a show it was a ninety minute bus ride with two transfers and (as I’ve confessed) an occasional thumb out in order to have some extra change for the candy counter. An extra Crispy Crunch is motivation in its purest form– chocolate.
The world was a safer place simply because we assumed it was; life is a self fulfilling prophecy, a lesson the most fortunate learn sooner or later.
The litmus test, I suppose, is how did I handle my own children. Overly cautious to be sure but then again this was a result of economic privilege as much as hysterical fear of consequences. I could afford a nanny and my biggest concern was not child molesters but her newly acquired driving skills. What a challenge it was handing over my kids to someone whose reaction to blowing through a stop sign was to cover her eyes with both hands and shriek with laughter- while the car is still moving.
So parental paranoia is possibly a luxury purchase as well as an overreaction. I can afford to be really f’ing scared has some sort of play in the whole scene. In any event I think you are a brave mother ( not for letting your kid wander on his own but for telling others about it) and you can count me as one of those who admires him and supports your take on things. You are also a damn fine writer and I’ll stop now before it sounds like I’m asking you to marry me. The point being you could mother my children any day. Best- jdl
This is the most exciting thing I have heard to come out of parenting literature since my kids were born (eldest now 18). I am a Grade 5 teacher and a parent, in a small country town in Australia. Even here, in the last week alone I have dealt with one parent who was worried about her son (10 years) getting wet canoeing at Camp in case he got the sniffles; another withdrawing her son from a national testing program because he ‘felt anxious’; and another who was upset at a female colleague of mine who mentioned to an all girls Grade 5 class that they might need to come to Camp prepared for feminine hygiene issues, because the Mum ‘didn’t want her daughter to be exposed to those sorts of things yet’!! What on earth are we raising? Count me in – I think Free Range Parenting sounds like the salvation of a whole generation of kids with lost childhoods.
My 3yo fried her first egg today! She did accidentally bump her arm against the pan and got a little mark, but she was brave and finished the task. And she found her egg very tasty!!
Dear Free Rangers:
Please have mercy on me next week as I attack my child’s airplane seat, tray table, and everything in his reach with disinfectant. He has leukemia and low blood counts. Every fever means he is admitted to the hospital for at least 2-3 nights. We do everything we can in these “high new germ concentration areas” to at least try to reduce the risk of a fever. Instead, smile and offer a hand with my luggage, or wish me a nice day. Your blood pressure will be lower and so will mine.
Thanks.
I have a five-year-old son, and we live in a medium-sized city. I also have a one-year-old son. My older son likes to go out and ride his bike in the driveway and front yard, but with the baby, I don’t always have the ability (and, okay, the desire) to sit out there while he rides his bike, so sometimes I let him go outside by himself to ride. He also plays while he’s out there.
I grew up outside! I was always outdoors, playing, fishing, doing all sorts of stuff unsupervised. Oh, the horror! It was wonderful. These days, you hardly ever see kids outside playing anymore, and I think that’s a tragedy, so I encourage my older son to get out and play. We have a big back yard with a creek, and I love it when he wants to go out there and play.
Here’s the funny (or bitterly ironic) part: I don’t worry about some stranger snatching him up. What I worry about every time he goes out there is that some zealot is going to see it and call Child Protective Services…and that they’ll substantiate neglect on me!
I used to be a CPS investigator, and I know that by law in the state where I live, what I’m doing would be considered an open-and-shut case of child neglect, and I could get in trouble for it. They’d never want to hear my side of the story – that we live in a very friendly, safe neighborhood where everybody knows everybody else, and MY SON IS IN NO DANGER THERE.
So I let him go out, but I always hold my breath and hope that CPS never comes knocking. It’s a horrible way to live.
Hi Mary,
and to anyone – How can we begin to get these laws changed so that we are not afraid to be the good kind of parents we are? I used to be a teacher, but have already had to be interviewed by CS for some tall tails and out of context comments my daughter made in Kindergarten. even though the teacher told me this was all age appropriate. I fear as the younger generations come into power, the ones who have been controlled so closely, that the insanity will only get worse.
I purchased your book after checking out your blog, and both are fantastic! I grew up on a farm, where we were allowed to roam freely from a very young age, as long as we watched out for farm equipment and vehicles coming in and out of the yard. My babysitter in town let me take several other children to the park on a regular basis when I was eight, and it was two blocks from her house. But that was in a small town, where everyone knows everyone, and no one thought anything of it at the time.
Now, I have my own daughter and live in a city (or rather, the suburbs). She’s only 10 months old now, but one of my biggest concerns about parenting is how to know what is safe for her to do and what isn’t. I want her to be able to experience nature and the freedom that I had as a child, but I was uncertain of what types of activities would be safe for her to do on her own in the city. Your book has shown me how I can teach her to be safe, while still enjoying some of the freedom I had. Thank you!
Jen, I raised both of my children in San Francisco, in a couple different areas of the city. There are many ways of helping them develop independent skills and street sense in the city that are important. When mine were infants like yours I carried them in backpacks and I walked a lot with them all over the city. When we would come to the curb I would be saying things like, “Oh, now the light is red. See the cars going by in front of us? We have to wait until the light turns green and we see the little walking person in the light. Then we can go. I used strollers only occasionally after they could walk. By that time they were starting to talk too, so they would announce when we could cross the street. As young as three I would give them the opportunity to go up to the counter to purchase something while I stood a few feet away in little stores. We also got to know all of the storekeepers, the mail carrier, the police officer, etc, in our neighborhood. When we saw people who made me nervous we talked about it. When they were in first grade I felt comfortable letting them walk a few blocks alone to the corner store. For the first few times, unbeknownst to the children I called the storekeeper and he also kindly called me when they left to head back home. They were riding the buses alone by the time they were ten. Not anywhere they wanted, but the buses in our area. They had been riding them with me all their life. We only drove when we made a trip outside the city. So by the time they were teens they knew the city well and were very at ease. I knew where they were too, and they knew where I was, so that we would all know where to start looking or getting the help to look if they didn’t return home when they said they would. And this was before cell phones. They always carried pay phone money. They are grown now and easily able to travel the world and take care of themselves.
I’m only 23, but I didn’t grow up with a collar and leash and my parents breathing down my neck. And I am thankful for this. I’m independent. Take care of my mother, pay my own house and bills. I walked to school some days (30-25 min walk), crossed main roads on my own, took myself down the DQ across 4 busy lanes and was fine. And this was before I was in middle school .
Yes, there are crazy people out there. Look around you. Uneducated and idiotic children/teenagers with no common sense. Why is this? Parents holding their hands at EVERY moment of their life. Educate your kids of the dangers, and let them be free. But be smart about it. Don’t leave your kid at a liquor store and say good luck getting home. Hell, the parents have just as much as a chance of getting hurt, killed or abducted. Let your kids live a little, make mistakes, get hurt and learn. Otherwise our future is screwed. I turned out quite well for myself, and I have some scars to prove that I did get my feet wet on my own as a child.
I just from an article you wrote about that after affect of another article you wrote about letting your son ride the bus home, and i would like to say that I agree with you 100%; I may not have children of my own and do not plan on having them anytime soon as i am only 18.
I live is a single parent home in ontario with my mom and sister. So i had to become independent very quickly. By the time I was 12 I would take an hour train ride into toronto once a month for the dentist. I would then get on the subway in downtown toronto, sometimes even having to walk because the subway was broken down.
My friend’s parents thought it was crazy, but it was what had to be done. There was no ones else around to take me. I think I am better for it. I am much more responsible than most of the 18 year olds that i know. Some of these friends do not even know how to use the transit system in our little town. They just not take care of themselves, and do not have their parents trust. But i do, because my mother know that if I ever need help I will call.
I’m 21, and I don’t have any kids, but I’ve been saying the same things all along. You can’t shelter your children from anything, and trying to actually hurts them more than it helps. People seem to think that if they can somehow remain ever-vigilant that no children will ever have an accident, but that’s impossible. The rare tragedy is going to happen regardless, and coddling your children is only going to make it that much harder (and more painful) when they realize how the world really works. I was raised alone by my father and I ran around as a kid mostly unsupervised. I got skinned knees, I got in fights, and I even shoplifted and was caught (did community service and never stole again), but in the end I turned out just fine. Nice to see that some others out there aren’t afraid to let their children experience life too.
Ran across your story for the first time and was relieved to learn there are many like-minded people out there. We are far from the towering spires of NYC, but we love to give our boys opportunities to become thinkers and doers. Our camping trips become the return of Lewis and Clark. We do give them a map of the park, give them a walkie-talkie, and tell them to be back by a certain time. They know not to leave the trail and to refrain from activity that would put themselves in danger.
I understand the need to protect children in this day and age, but experience is one of the greatest teachers of all. Bumps, scrapes and bruises happen, but our motto is that they build character. Thank you for having the guts to lead the charge and put yourself on the front line.
After reading your news on http://bit.ly/9yJn22 I couldn’t bear myself to not laugh and turn amused on: your great deed, your simple way of explaining your actions and thoughs, and the way you think.
I have no other way of explaining what I fell like now than: “You and your son are Heroes for me.”
I also think that we need to protect our children (I don’t have one yet, nor a companion at the moment) but we need to not use this an excuse to deprive children from being free. We need to teach them what is worng and what is right. And as a teacher (studing in college, and teaching in prep courses), there’s one thing that I know: you may teach anything to anyone, but they will only learn it by theirselves.
To protect is to care, and not to keep in close range.
I always ponder if I will be able to raise a child correctly someday (and I want to do it right when I do), but after this, I’m sure that I’m a lot of steps closer to do it right.
I’m not saying that I will just let my future son/daughter come back home alone, but, I sure will understand your example and learn everything I can from it.
Thanks.
May I just say that I love you? You are seriously fantastic, and I’m very glad to have stumbled upon an article about you which led me to your site here! 🙂
I recently posted this to a small-time parenting forum, and received unexpected shock and condemnation. I’ve just started reading your book, and I think it seriously needs more exposure to wider audiences.
This was free-range in the safest environment possible – inside their own home, where they know the dangers, and have ready-communication with us in the event of an unlikely emergency.
The more that people read your book, the better, and it shocks me that in a country featuring such notables as Andrea Yates and Bonnie Sweeten, that anyone would dare call you “America’s Worst Mother.”
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I’ve got two great kids. She is nine, and he is rapidly approaching six. They’re both generally well-behaved kids. Arguably better than average, but that’s something every parent might say.
With considerable difficulty, I convinced my wife that we could leave the two of them in the house – alone – while the two of us went to a movie at a theater just one mile away.
I left a note on the refrigerator with our cell phone number printed in huge characters. We talked to them at length about not answering the door, how to answer the phone, etc. They had just had lunch, so they wouldn’t be preparing or eating food in our brief absence. Also, this was entirely during the daytime.
I made it clear that I would be paying both of them to keep the peace, to minimize potential power struggles. I even gave them both the task of going though his toys and books, and piling unwanted items in the hallway for donation.
What happened? We got back from “Iron Man 2” about 2.5 hours later. The kids were happily watching an episode of “Futurama” on my computer. There was a HUGE pile of books and toys stacked in the hallway.
There had been no fighting, no problems of any kind. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I paid each of the kids $2, which as you all know, is a hell of a savings over typical babysitter rates. I get the sense that while the kids get into arguments with each other like normal siblings, the frequency decreases when we’re not around, since Evan knows that deliberately provoking his sister isn’t smart when the parents are away.
My wife is extremely reluctant to do it again anytime soon. She said she had a hard time enjoying the movie because she was worried about the kids. I explained to her that her nervousness is her own hangup. I’m not sure I’d leave them for a longer period of time just yet (i.e. dinner AND a movie), but it’s clear that they are just fine for the duration of a movie. My wife tells me that when she relates the experiment to co-workers, they’re shocked that we left the kids alone in the house for so long.
I don’t have children, nor do I really want them or care for them. But I want to say, despite this, you’re doing a wonderful thing. I have been working part time at a grocery store for the last few years and truly parenting has taken all the things that made being a child worthwhile and fun out of being a child. And I think you spreading the message that you are, pointing out all the BS going on, it the best thing one can do short of slapping people on the forehead to try and make them understand.
Keep up the good work.
I am SO glad that you’re taking a stand for parents actually giving their kids FREEDOM! Hellicopter parents need to understand that they are ROBBING their kids of innocence and independency! I once knew a mom who wouldn’t even let her FIFTEEN year old son cross the freakin’ street alone! WTF??? Also, I LOVE you for putting the stranger abduction statistics on this site! Parents are so scared of their children being abducted by strangers anymore… yes, it CAN happen, but it’s pretty rare as you pointed out. I read somewhere that the year 2005 was almost as safe as the sixties. WHY don’t people realize this? WHY do they have to destroy their kids’ innocence? When the kids grow up, they will be so shocked and afraid of the world when their parents suddenly let go (unless they keep hovering when the kid reaches adulthood). This really, really needs to STOP. I’m just so glad you’re not just explaining the issue but DOING something about it!
Please continue to stand up for what’s right. Don’t let all the dumbass helicopter parents get in your way.
Parents are such WUSSES these days. I blame the media. Everytime there’s a missing child, they make it all out to be like there’s predators waiting at every corner, just waiting to snatch your kid… and the sad thing is that people actually BELIEVE this. People claim it’s “too dangerous” for a kid to be out front alone… check it out dipshits, being abducted by a stranger is the RAREST type of abduction. The chances of being abducted by someone you know personally are the highest, so unless you’re a little iffy about a certain relative or friend, let your kids play the frick outside, give them freedom for once – what a concept! I once read an article about how parents should let their kids play outside and TONS of comments said something like “I never let my child out the front door without me behind them.” This just saddens and annoys me. What happened to the long days of playing freely outside with the neighborhood kids? Back then parents sometimes FORCED their kids to go out and play. Nowadays, it’s considered child abuse. Pathetic, just freaking ass pathetic. I do not yet have kids, but when I do, I definately plan on giving them plenty of freedom. Thank you so, so much for all you’re doing to convince parents to back the fuck off and letting their kids actually LIVE THEIR DAMN LIVES.
You are awesome.
And for all those idiots who think the 70s and 80s were sooooooooo much safer than today’s dark, dangerous, predator-infested world, check the damn facts: Crime has been INCREASING since 1964, peaked in the late 80s-early 90s and then has DECREASED ever since. So, lesson learned: Check the facts or shut the fuck up with all your “it’s just not 1972 anymore” comments. Statistics show that kids may even be SAFER nowadays than the seventies. And yet, people STILL keep their poor kids cooped up 24/7, gaining 100 pounds a week playing video games and eating snacks because they can’t play outside. And the parents, they’re the ones who constantly sigh and talk about the “good old days” when things were sooooo much safer and that today is sooooo dangerous you can’t even walk out the front door without worrying about stranger abductions. BULLSHIT. For crying out loud, the facts are there, clear as can be, AND PEOPLE REFUSE TO BELIEVE THEM.
As you can see this whole issue pisses me off to no end. I’m sick to death of wussy parents who think every Tom, Dick and Harry off the streets is a predator and is gonna snatch their child right up. But thank you SO MUCH for trying to make the TRUTH about this known. I have read the FAQ and all the facts about abductions are correct. I’m just very relieved that someone besides me CARES about this matter and wants to get the facts out there, and convince parents to get off their kids’ backs. THANK YOU!!!!!!
This stuff is pretty awesome. I grew up on a half mile long island and used to sneak out early in the morning all the time to go roam the woods. I caught my first poisonous snake at 8 years old, although in retrospect that may have been risky. Either way I had my share of bumps and bruises, but grew up learning an intense respect and understanding of the world. That upbringing made me into a happy, optimistic marine biologist who is always ready for a good challenge. My girlfriend is the opposite and grew up in a sheltered home and has just recently began to really open up to the possibilities of the world without constant fear, which has proven very beneficial to her mental and social health. Experience is an unequaled learning method and thank you for throwing this much needed subject out into the public.
I don’t have kids, but I do think you are absolutely right about how children should grow up. Personally, I’ve grown up pretty much free to do as I like. My parents always left me alone if I wished to be. I was alone very often due to PDD/NOS getting in the way of interacting with other kids. However, this made me very independent of anyone. I took my first train trip (we don’t really have subways where I come from) when I was 8, a 3 hour journey to my aunt. Nothing bad ever happened.
My wife was raised completely differently. She’s been protected from harm when she was young, but rejected completely when she got older. Weird combination of circumstances led to her current state of mind, which is quite saddening actually. I can clearly notice a big difference in how me and my wife view the world. My wife is still very afraid of a lot of things, while I’m pretty much fearless. Of course, common sense is a whole different story. But there’s a big difference between fearing the world and being careful of the actual dangers out there.
I am now 25 years old and happily married. If I ever have kids, then I will try to raise them to be independent, as I think this is the best way to assure survival in the big bad world. If something will happen, it will anyway.
how do 🙂
We’re in England, but as a kid I spent almost every summer at my grandparents’ smallholding-cum-nursery (of the horticulture variety) in France, or on the beach. mum didn’t believe in keeping us indoors, bless her!
Now I have my own munchkin, who just turned 3, and she’s such a little daredevil that if I tried to cotton wool her we’d either go nuts or the house would fall apart at the seams. She goes to a childminder 3 days pw while I work, who takes her out with the other kids of varying ages to all kids of places, and soon we’re moving to NZ, where kindergarten kids climb trees. Perfect.
Anyway, for munchkin’s 3rd birthday we hit on the apparently unusual (why?) idea of taking she and her friends to the local park for the day. Yes, their parents came too, and we provided a picnic for all (with some help from lovely guests). We nabbed a spot halfway between the huge paddling pool and the playground, and let young loonies run free. There was some helicoptering to start with, but then the parents started to see older kids (of 6-8yo) looking after the younger ones (2-3yo) and started to relax a little on their picnic blankets. If someone got hurt or was scared, it didn’t take long for someone to come running, and they were only 10 metres away in any case.
By the end of the day, parents had realised that this was actually a lot of fun and that we, as the “hosts” hadn’t had to clean up the house or fear breakages because OMG the kids were outdoors in a public place HAVING FUN BY THEMSELVES. I think a few lightbulbs went off, or at least flickered 🙂
The only sad part is that when we move to NZ, she’ll be a winter baby… Hey ho, if there’s snow in June there we shall have snowball fights, sledging and a snowman building competition!
Keep up the good work,
Soph xx
I never realized how un-FreeRange I was being until I read your book this winter. Change began immediately. My 2 girls (now 8 and 10) began to walk to school and home, about a half-mile each way. I let them walk the dog all around our neighborhood and I even let them walk , unaccompanied, to friends’ houses!
Mind you, we live in a quiet but inner-ring suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. Our community is very racially diverse, which causes some of my suburban cul-de-sac dwelling friends to conclude that it is unsafe. Nothing could be further from the truth. We know all of our neighbors on the street and many between here and the school.
In fact, I even let my kids stay home alone for an hour and a half while my husband was at a meeting and I was at my book club. They had appropriate instructions about safety, etc., and our cell phone numbers are well-known to them. The evening passed without incident, as we knew it would.
Many other parents were appalled, but others have gradually begun loosening the leashes on their own kids after seeing that mine have survived the experiment quite nicely.
My new motto is “you can’t teach responsibility without giving responsibility”. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Meg
I saw the article on schools working against best friend relationships, and naturally, having a best friend of 26 years now, I decided to go find some things in support of best friends. This led me to this article:
A Best Friend Is Much Cheaper than Therapy – and Ten Times As Helpful!
“People report being happier when they are with friends than when they’re with a spouse or child,” according to research cited in a recent cover story in Psychology Today magazine. This, indeed, is something to ponder seriously.
To repeat, people actually experience greater joy while spending time with their friends than while spending time with their children or their mates. This should give you an idea of the value of friendship.
Unfortunately, friendship – like life in general – is not easily understood. But there is magic to it, which makes it so worthwhile.
Interestingly, friendship is one of the most researched subjects on the Internet. This indicates that millions of people are interested in creating new friendships and enhancing old ones. Given how important friendship is in our lives, have you ever noticed how little has been written on the subject? Compare, for example, the number of books written on how to handle money to the number of books on how to create and maintain great friends.
The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.
– Abraham Lincoln
Perhaps money buys a certain amount of happiness; It’s just that friendship
buys more. Indeed, in many ways friendship is much more valuable to us than money. Our human interactions, particularly those with close friends, provide most of the joys or disappointments we have in life. It follows that you can’t experience real success in life unless you have real friends.
Taking into account that passing time with friends provides us with so much joy and happiness, the question you have to ask yourself is, “Do I have enough close friends?” According to a study reported in the June 2006 issue of American Sociological Review, American adults, who shocked pollsters in 1985 when they said they had only three close friends, said they had just two in 2006.
Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.
– Virginia Woolf
Moreover, the number who said that they have no one to discuss important matters with has doubled to one in four. The study found that men and women of every race, age, and education level reported fewer intimate friends than a similar survey indicated in 1985.
Unfortunately, the modern work world makes our individual lives busier and more fragmented. Thus, many people neglect to devote time to making close friends. “Friendship seems to be the last thing that anyone’s getting to,” says Jan Yager, an American sociologist and author of several books on friendship.
Yager adds, “Friendship is not something that you get to when everything else in your life is taken care of. It’s an important relationship even after the school years for emotional health, for career advancement, for physical well-being.”
To be sure, great friendships are important for creating a new sense of community that translates into social, emotional, and physical well-being. Several research studies conclude that people who have intimate relationships with others live happier, healthier, and longer.
If I don’t have friends, then I ain’t nothing.
– Billie Holiday
Friendship should be a universal and all-encompassing topic for each and every one of us. Companionship is essential to a full and rich life. It ranks right up there with fulfilling work and good health. Many individuals have discovered that a good friend is much cheaper than therapy – and ten times as helpful!
People in our society likely do not speak often about their yearning for friendship, as important as it is, because they do not want to appear needy and desperate. Not many people care to admit how lonely they are or can be at times in their lives. Surveys reveal that loneliness is one of the biggest problems humans face. To many people, it is the biggest.
Of this you should be certain: Life can be a really lonely experience without great friends. Above all, great friends can provide you with things that you can’t. The reverse is also true. Plautus, the Roman playwright whose works influenced Shakespeare and Molière, proclaimed, “Your wealth is where your friends are.”
Put another way, the more people who truly care whether you get up in the morning, the richer you will feel. You will find this to be true whether you are wealthy or broke. Taking into account the importance of friendship in our lives,
the richest person in this world is the one with the most real friends – and not the one with the most money.
COPYRIGHT © 2010 by Ernie J. Zelinski
http://www.the-friendship-cafe.com/
I don’t know if you personally read these, but I hope you do because I salute you!
When I was a child I was alone a lot. I would ride my bike to the park a few streets away and swing, alone! I would walk to my best friend’s house a few streets away, alone!
Trust in your children is essential and makes them feel good and makes them less likely to try to pull on over on you.
Thank you.
Just finished your book and had to comment. Loved it, loved it, loved it! I am dedicated to free-ranging my kids; my big disappointment is that we now live in a rural area, which makes it difficult. No more will I feel shame in the fact that my kids (11 and 9) are home while my husband and I work. I work in an extremely flexible office 2 miles from our home, and can usually run home at a moment’s notice. In the year that my kids have gotten off of the school bus and stayed alone – I have never had to! Sure I’ve diffused a couple of arguement over the phone, but that is par for the course. I grew up in a small town and used to leave the house in the morning and come home when it got dark. My mother usually had a pretty good idea of where I was, but not always. Now she worries about me letting my kids play in the yard by themselves. I do have a rule that they go out together. My kids are independent, trustworthy, and usually have their chores done when I get home. Now I just have to fend off the helicopter parents everywhere else!
I’m just starting your book and am feeling so liberated! It is amazing to me how strong a parent’s conviction and backbone must be in order to raise a free-range kid in a world of scaredy cats. Thank you for the “permission” and the hilarious reality-check!
I’m all in favor of the Free Range Kids idea, especially when it comes to holding kids responsible for the consequences of their behavior — oh, and making it their job to do their own school work — that’s supposed to be how learning takes place, isn’t it? Can’t tell you how many college application essays are actually written by parents.
I will say it’s weird to be reading this blog right after reading NPR listener comments about the Supreme Court’s decision declaring that state & local gun control laws are invalid. All these people on the comment forum saying the govt has no right to tell us whether we can own guns — probably the same people who would sue the city if they were strolling through a city park and a pigeon in pooped on their kid.
We are so safety conscious when it suits our purposes, but then we get all up in arms (literally) at the thought of a background check for buying a semiautomatic pistol. As a society, who are we and what do we value???
I put a post on my website. Thanks for inspiration.
I don’t understand how you could be the worst mom in America. I know here there are “parents” that abuse, starve and even abduct their own children? Do these people not exist over there? The worst thing you did is trust your child to be competent enough to get onto a train and a bus without falling over or sticking his fingers into machinery etc.
So apparently I have not yet learned how to communicate re FRK.
Today at the park my 3yo was being obstinate and, as she often does when obstinate, she decided to walk slowly and fall behind. She was in a very familiar place and knew exactly where we were going. So when the time came to turn the corner (to stand in line at the concession stand where she’d catch up to us), I did not wait around for her. After maybe 45 seconds, I sent my other 3yo to peek around the corner and make sure she was still heading in the right direction (so I wouldn’t lose my place in line). She was almost to the destination, but by then a woman had noticed her and taken her hand and was looking around for a parent. I called her over and this other woman started giving me a hard time. “Oh, she was walking alone.” “She was walking slowly, I know, because she’s in a bad mood.” “I was concerned because she wasn’t with an adult.” (With emphasis to indicate judgment.) “She is with an adult, she is with me. She decided to fall behind but she was catching up.” The woman made another comment to try to convince me that I was wrong to let her walk “alone” to where I was. I got angry and left. It was time to go anyway. We were about to leave anyway after buying something, and since my kid was on her second offense and making a face to get ready for her third, I decided we weren’t buying.
So we start walking away and my kids start whining (they’d been hoping for ice cream), which earns the louder one a tug on her arm and both a sharp word. Next thing you know, Ms. Busybody comes along “oh please come back, I’m getting worried about them, don’t get angry and take it out on them, bla bla bla.” The implication was that I was going to get my kids alone and start beating the crap out of them, maybe ripping them apart limb by limb. This was my opportunity to explain FRK, but I let the meddling get to me. I just said my kid is very intelligent and knew exactly where she was going and was deciding to be a brat and was now on her third offense and that was it. Thank you, I am under control, goodbye.
Now here’s what makes this woman a busybody. We were in between two ball fields where there were dozens of kids and happily playing and dozens more parents socializing. It’s a straight path, a good half-mile away from anything that could be dangerous (parking lot, street, woods, etc.). She was walking in the right direction on the path and I was waiting and watching for her at the end of it. There was NO PROBLEM. I understand why this woman thought she was doing a good deed initially, but once informed that I was aware of exactly where my kid was and what she was doing and the kid was in no danger, it’s time to find something else to complain about.
On the way to my car, I kept thinking, what’s this lady gonna do next? She actually kept watching me and walked by again later. But as far as I know, she didn’t try calling the cops or anything, which is what crossed my mind. I just thanked God that I live in a state where parents are allowed and expected to discipline their kids.
Good luck to you, the world needs sensible people!
To be fair though, I believe neither side of the argument is right. What’s right for one isn’t always right for another. If (like me) you’re happy to let your children run free, that’s fine. If the world scares you too much to do that, be more careful with your kids – that’s your right too.
Hey FR moms — I truly, profoundly want my kid to be more free-range. She wants more freedom. Advice on how I get there is welcome.
My 13 and 11 year old girls are on summer vacation; my spouse and I both work. The oldest is in open rebellion because, despite my claims that I want her to be more independent, I won’t fire the babysitter.
Besides not being comfortable with them being home alone for that long a time with no adult less than an hour’s drive away, my oldest has admitted that the real problem with having this particular sitter sround is that she limits TV and computer time, buys only healthy foods when they are out, takes them to parks to play and lakes to boat, — in other words, she is destroying their summer by depriving her of the God-given right to be a couch potato everyday for 10 weeks.
I do believe summer should be, in part, a time to relax and be lazy. I do believe a normal 13 yr old should not need a sitter. But I can’t bear the thought of my kid sitting home alone and getting fat in front of her computer screen. She’s already too heavy, according to her pediatrician, and I don’t like the trend.
The younger duaghter thinks this 20 yr old sitter, btw, is Mary Poppins, and delights in her to no end. Blatant and unfair favoritism, claims my moody eldest, further proof of the injustice inherent in my system.
Advice on how to get this kid to the point where she is sitting, instead of being sat, would be terrific.
I have mixed feelings. I read the book and was encouraged to let the kids 7 and 9 have a little more independence. I let them go to the park around the corner by themselves for half and hour and when we went camping at a national park this weekend I let go around the camp loop by themselves on their scooters. Here’s the thing though. When we were camping my daughter went to the bathroom by herself at dusk just a short distance away. She got mixed up and headed the wrong direction. She was lost for about 30 minutes. Rangers and campers were helping us search and my heart was gripped with sheer terror. She was found by some campers eventually and she was ok, but that doesn’t make up for the horrible experience. Then this week, I found out a 60 year old man molested three children at the park down the street last month and police are still looking for him. What if that had been the day I sent my kids down there alone. Finally, when I was a teenager on a picnic with my family, a young boy came running out of the woods screaming. He had been riding his bike on a nearby road when a car started trailing him and a man started talking to him. When the man got out of the car and tried to grab him, he dropped his bike and ran into the woods. We were able to find his family and help police with an accounting of what had happened. Lastly, when I was around 9 at a sleepover a 16 year old brother pulled me into his room when I got up during the night to use the bathroom. He put my hands on his privates before I was able to get away and run out of his room. So is all this stuff rare? I guess so, but when that many things have happened so close around me, it makes me wonder if the unsupervised kids are more likely the ones to end up as the statistics.
Lael H,
1. Teach your children well. Now that the wrong direction has happened to her, ask her: What can you do next time to make sure you’re going the right way? Teach her how to look for landmarks so that when she goes in, she knows which way to come out. I’m glad she was found; use it as a TEACHING moment, not a OMGFEAR moment, now that it’s over.
2. The buddy system is GREAT for park visits. TEACH them not to go anywhere with anyone you have not pre-approved. The 60yo man is unlikely to approach a GROUP of children together.
3. The child screamed and ran away. EXACTLY what he was supposed to do. TEACH your children that this boy did exactly the right thing to keep himself safe.
4. TEACH your children that No ONE, whether the 16yo brother or a 60yo man or woman, touches their privates and to SCREAM their heads off. Bite, kick, punch, MAKE NOISE.
I’m sorry all those things happened – it may have been one of those odd “these things happen in 3’s” type thing, but EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is a teachable moment. Don’t teach them to live their lives in the dark. Teach them to live their lives OUT LOUD with common sense and good judgment.
you have my support! We are “free ranging” as a community here in Asheville NC!
I view the philosophy as way larger than physical boundaries like being allowed to walk to the store (and we are in a pretty rural area!).
We are combining the concepts of un-school, sudbury, montessori, and free range…. and that along with a lot of love, common scene, and all the practicality we can muster , has formed the basis of our childhood enrichment co-op…..
We are having a blast and so are the kids, there have been scrapes, bruises, bee stings, poison ivy, quite a few kid disagreements (a few friendly and loving, but deep parental disagreements), and all sorts of learning and growing for all involved!
A genuine community venture, a step out of the “rules” and “norms” into joyful, trust based, and adventurous life!
check our blog! copy our idea! do this where you are!
love and trust, rosetta star
freerangechildhood.blogspot.com
You have my support as well. This culture of fear we are raising our children in will cripple them in the future. Instead we should be empowering them. I hope that I am never guilty of turning my back on a fellow man who is in need due to fear
God I wish this post had a spell check. My moronic inability to write in English is both embarrasing and time consuming.
Fear doesn’t cripple anyone. It is a helpful, necessary survival tool and those who have more of it survive better than those who inherit a deficit. Fear (pain) is the most powerful motivator we have. No other thing moves us like danger and nothing comes close to the thrill of a life threatening or seemingly life threatening experienece ( roller coasters, skydiving, waiting for the pregnancy results of your high school girl friend).
All this free range talk is great but there is no doubt in my mind that many posters are unwisly exposing their children to risks. Please– putting your child on the subway just to prove he can survive it- this may say more about the parent than the child and it is wrong headed.
The crux of the discussion is how to raise kids who will embarce risk, take some chances and exhibit courage. There are many approaches but the conclusive one is to raise kids without hitting them or threatening them with death ( religion). A second factor somewhat oddly is how many words children hear from birth to school age. Studies have conclusively shown that one of the single biggest factors that produces a self confident, self assured adult is the parenting techniques used bewteen 0-5 years. After that there isn’t much anyone is going to change.
If you choose to let your child roam the big city streets alone and without backup you are stoking your own adrenalin
rush and accomplishing very little in terms of the personality of the child. In other words you aren’t helping him grow up while exposing him to unneccessary risk. Why would any parent do that? I understand the’ pushing them out of the nest’ thing and that can be done in many ways other than chancing wrongful or accidental death or injury. Like having a child maintain an organized room or if eclectic environments are your thing have the child write a book or sketch a scene on his bedroom wall or climb the tree or help a charitable cause or invent something or paint the house. Independence, an independent person is born from freedom of thought and expression. Feed their curiosity by not making them slaves to a school grade while at the same time being clear that measurments have a place in our world and that winning can be a big rush.
Yes I’m sure a nine year old feels a true sense of accomplishment when he naviagtes the subway system and sashays into his friend’s house– the thrill of danger is addictive, the rush is real. But so are the risks and small though they maybe there are other ways to get the result.
Anyway, that’s my take on it.
**Yes I’m sure a nine year old feels a true sense of accomplishment when he naviagtes the subway system and sashays into his friend’s house– the thrill of danger is addictive, the rush is real. But so are the risks and small though they maybe there are other ways to get the result.**
The risks are LOW. Teaching risk-assessment is vital.
**In other words you aren’t helping him grow up while exposing him to unneccessary risk. **
RISK ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION. Daily murders on the train? Duh. Nothing happens and the crime rate is lowest ever? Uh…ride the damned train.
**I understand the’ pushing them out of the nest’ thing and that can be done in many ways other than chancing wrongful or accidental death or injury.**
Uh. That’s LIFE. I am sitting here right now typing to you – and a METEOR could crash into my home. Or a car could lose control and crash into my home. Or my computer could spontaneously combust.
When the chances are LOW, why are you so worried? LIfe is not without risk nor without chance. It’s not about shoving your wholly uneducated child into the world and shouting “Sink or swim!” while slamming the door shut.
Her kid was nine. So? He can read. He can read a map. He can count stops. He has eyes. He can see. He can UNDERSTAND. He’s not an idiot.
**Like having a child maintain an organized room or if eclectic environments are your thing have the child write a book or sketch a scene on his bedroom wall or climb the tree or help a charitable cause or invent something or paint the house. **
Trapped in the house. Yay. Whooee. I’m so excited…
And one more thing, John.
Did you read the book?
Didn’t read the book so guilty as charged. Didn’t know you had a tree growing in your house and I also realize you are dramatizing to defend a position. ( I could have suggested jumping off a ledge into a lake and so on) You kind of make my point in your last line— Trapped in the house. Yay. Whooee I’m so excited… The’ I’m so excited’ thing is what seems to be getting to me. This is about the parent’s needs– not really the child’s. It is the parent’s fear that needs exorcising which some may be doing by experimenting with what they allow their children to do. It is as I suggest wrong headed.
By the way who cares if the chances are one in a million. The parent’s role is to minimize risk while encouraging an independent spirit.
Yes the child can read maps and street signs ( not sure why you feel the need to remind me he is not an idiot except that I think what you are trying to say is that you are not an idiot which once again brings the discussion back to YOU). What children cannot do very well is assess moitve or understand manipulation. Priests all over the world have proven that. The other thing that kids aren’t great at is understanding the pontential for error or accident. They do have the cognitive ability to assess danger. The quite literally cannot forsee it.
Yes the risks are low but you are not offering any valid reason to take them. Therefore why do it?
Read the book. And then we’ll talk.
will I have to submit a written book review first? If so I’ll want to spend sometime on it to get the proper grade.
I have a feeling that listening might not be your strong suit. So really- is there any point?
SKL, my youngest used to “go on strike” aon nature hikes too. You have my sympathy. God did I want to smack ‘er. But didn’t.
Way to go. Most people just don’t get it. I was lucky enough to be trusted with independence at a very young age. My parents made sure they explained the risks they could think of, carefully and repeatedly, and then let me do whatever the heck I felt like. I accepted that as something natural at first, but I can now see just how extremely lucky I was to have parents like that, who didn’t keep me prisoner until I was 16 and itching to get the F out of the house.
I totally agree with you. In 1980, when my son was 12 and my oldest daughter was 9, we put them on a plane in Dallas Texas to fly by themselves, with a transfer in Miami, to Rio de Janeiro. They were going there to spend the summer with Brazilian friends. We worried until they called to let us know they had arrived. But, for each of them, that experience became a highlight in their lives. The following summer our now 10 year old daughter flew back alone and spent another summer. (That may be a little scarier than any subway ride for the parents). In a strange twist, the daughter of our friends in Brazil is now coming to spend a school year with our youngest daughter’s family. I think “helicopter parents” will eventually have an unfortunate price to pay that they can’t foresee.
I’m 13 years old and I LOVE this idea. My parents are probably not hellicopter parents (close to it though) but definately not free range. I really wish I had more freedom. I know lots of kids in the neighborhood that are allowed to ride their bikes to the park or store. My brother and I really like riding our bikes too but my mom will only let us go around the block alone. (and she wonders why I don’t ride my bike anymore) I’m very mature for my age, and I’ve been told SINCE BIRTH not to talk to strangers. That’s the main concern my mom has about being outside alone. My brother who is seven can’t even play in the front yard by himself without my mom watching in the window. I think its because my brother is a curious type, but still, he’s not STUPID. He was raised on the “don’t talk to strangers” scheme as well. I’m not even trusted to take my brother and my twin cousins (9 years old) to the park down the street from my grandparents’ house without an adult. It may be because there is a creek there but come on. Can’t kids explore anymore? We all know how to swim anyway. Last month I really wanted to the town carnvial with just my good friend. My mom said she’d let me (GASP!) But my friends mom said, “No WAY!” So I had to go with my parents and her parents following us around EVERYWHERE, while everyone else my age was with just their friends. Okay, maybe it’s a teen thing to want parents off your back….but then why does my 7 year old brother want more freedom also? I just wish my parents were aware of the abduction statistics and how you’re more likely to be abducted by someone you know vs a stranger. My mom watches the news all the time, especially nancy grace, who from what I’ve heard, is all for sheltering kids. I think it’s ashame some kids have been abducted and killed by strangers and it makes me sick, BUT don’t people realize it’s so rare? If it weren’t for the stupid media making parents believe there’s wackos on every corner, in every store, at every park, etc. waiting to snatch kids up, I would have more freedom. I really appreciate everything that you are doing though. PLEASE keep trrying to get the word out there that the world ain’t the black hole of danger that the media makes it out to be. God bless you.
Restrain their freedom to move or do things, invade their privacy, destroy their property, hit them – I don’t understand why these things are legal towards one’s children. They’re not legal towards anyone else in the world, and rightfully so. So WTF?
I’m 20, now, and I was a free range kid. And I *know* i’m the better for it. Not only were my free-range experiances incredibly good fun, I learnt skills, maturity and a safe way to express my rather precocious nature when i was younger.
I’ve been flying alone to visit friends since I was 12. My parents took a graduated approach to the ‘sink or swim’ method. At first, when I’d want to visit a friend on the other side of the country (age 12) they’d make me be around and possibly involved as they called the parents, booked the flight and sorted out transport. As I got older, I became responsible for the booking of the flights, choosing them and paying (with their debit card) whilst they hovered. Then they made me call the parents and arrange dates and times as well, until I was doing everything independently.
By the time I was 16, if i wanted to go anywhere, I was entirely responsible for the entire process – I wouldn’t even get a lift to the airport anymore. The only rule was that I had to submit an itinerary – not for my parents to critisise or amend, but as proof that i had things organised, knew what i was doing, was using my common sense and wouldn’t need them to come and bail me out. and by the time I was 18 (an independent adult) I no longer even needed these anymore, the skill (forward planning! having a backup!) having been well and truely learnt.
At 15 I was fully capable of getting myself from Toronto (where I’d been staying with a friend) to the south of norway (where the were on holiday) completely independently over the course of two days. I could do this *completely safely*.
Everyone always said how mature I was, how grown up, how their child would never be able to handle something like that. I disagere. My parents *taught* me how to handle these things. If my friends were taught how to manage, they would probably also do just as well.
I’m grateful for them. I’m at university now, and i have friends who weren’t allowed to ride a bus by themselves when they were 18. These, funnily enough, tend to also be the ones who can’t manage their loan money, who forget to pay bills, who take their laundry home every weekend, who don’t know how to cook anything more complicated than baked beans and who absolutely no one wants to share a flat with.
I have life skills. It’s slightly scary how many of my friends don’t. we’re a generation of kidults, and I am terrified for the day when we become a majority.
Just read about how you let your 9-year old son ride the subway on his own. FWIW, I rode the London Underground on my own once – I was 5. I guess noone could get away with that now.
PS Oh, yes, my parents had agreed to it.
I live in a city (Minneapolis) and consistently see dozens of young kids at the playgrounds and out and about without their parents. However, they’re almost exclusively children of color. Since historically these groups haven’t always been as “successful,” and since minority groups are more likely to have an authoritarian style of parenting — rather than the authoritative style of most white helicopter parents — it makes me think that “free-range” really needs to go hand in hand with authoritative parenting. Before being set free, kids need to be given the tools to understand how we act in the world and why — setting down inflexible rules without explaining them can lead to a “Lord of the Flies” mentality when kids are together in a pack without parents. In these cases, the added freedom is a detriment, not a help.
Since helicopter parenting is a fairly new phenomenon, though, it makes me wonder which would lead to a better-adjusted kid: an overly hovering authoritative parent, or an authoritarian free-ranger?
jCaritas, a while back I posted a query about other-than-white families. I would be interested in hearing what the issues are. Are more white kids abducted, or are white kids’ abductions just reported more? Do kids of color have to be supervised more closely for fear of bigotry? Or because perhaps passers-by are less ssensitive to non-white people in distress?
Hey there,
I’m an elementary/middle school English teacher in South Korea, arguably one of the safest countries in the world. Here, kids work very hard, spending almost all of their time studying in school and in private academies. However, what little free time they have is entirely their own. It’s not unusual to see older kids and young teens (10-16 year olds) out on their own, travelling to academies or out with their friends until quite late in the evening, often up until about 11pm. Here, children are pretty safe and adults would have no reservations about helping a child in need.
However, this is beginning to change. A couple of incidents over the past two years or so have made parents more wary about their childrens safety and the same paranoia that afflicts western society is gradually taking a grip. For teachers, more and more restrictions are being placed upon us and while we still enjoy much more freedom than our western counterparts, I fear it will not last.
Myself, I grew up in the Scottish glens. There, I had complete freedom and have very fond memories of dissapearing for entire days; leaving the house at 8 or 9 am with a packed lunch and returning in the evening, filthy dirty, tired, scratched, cut, bruised and utterly happy. My friends and I would cycle to town, a distance of 8 miles, on public roads. We were always aware of the dangers of traffic and strangers and acted accordingly.
These days, in the UK, children don’t get to be children. They are treated like fragile objects, like pets. Restricted to the garden or even kept indoors, supervised and monitored at all times, their friends are vetted and held in suspicion, and every opportunity for some good, mud-raking, knee-bruising fun is denied or restricted by health and safety and paranoia.
I fail to see how the current generation of kids can grow up to be responsible, sensible, world-wise adults if they cannot learn the important lessons that sensibly unrestricted childhood and good old fashioned play bring.
Totally for.
I’m a 17 year old and being the youngest of six kids I have been always treated like a little kid who doesn’t what to do by herself.
Just a year ago, being 16, my mother let me walk on the streets, take the bus and the subway BUT never alone. I have to be with someone, preferible a male friend or I can’t go.
Finally, I had enough of it and decided I would start giving myself some freedom. I started lying to my parents more and more. Now, everytime I’m on the street alone all I can think is “if something happens to me, my parents are going to kill me”. I know it’s worst than confronting my parents but they just won’t listen so it’s necessary
The level of insecurity I felt the first time I stood on the street, alone, was gigantic, even though I only had to walk a couple blocks. All those years of being over protected made me scared of the world and I think it’s not normal for a 16 year old to be feeling that for just being on the street.
After a while I started building confidence, learing by myself the streets and which way to go, and I have grown a lot defying what they always told me: that being alone on the street was dangerous.
I think raising kids to be more independent it’s really good, always giving them the right tools to learn what’s right.
couldn’t agree more with the book, we are now in the US in the midst of a secular change: a screwed up, know nothing, lowest common denominator, maximalist safety freak older parent phenomenon in the US.
Its sad, but its also completely understandable given the incredible violence we celebrate through media, sports and military activity.
This is SO REFRESHING! I have great memories of my sister and I taking a bus and then a train home from a visit with my grandparents when we were about 11 & 12. I know that if I suggested my own 11 year old son could make a similar trip that I would be roundly criticized – even by my husband who was a total free range kid. But somehow when I allowed our son to walk a quarter mile at midday in town by himself at age 9 – to go to his karate class – my husband was shocked. Parents today are overwhelmed with “what ifs” but aren’t able to really assess risk – largely because of media hype. And the result is generations of young adults that are unable to function independently or confidently. Thank-you for reminding us of the real statistics – and the real risk!!
When my daughter was little I allowed her to walk to the end of our long driveway to the bus stop by herself. My family went berzerk and thought there was something wrong with me and made it known that I was a terrible mother. I allowed my daughter to dress herself for school as well and was criticized for it. The funniest part about it is that this is the way I grew up and no one seemed to have a problem with it then… Now I’m proud to say my daughter is officially an adult and laughs about all of this.
Kids are way too protected instead of being educated on how to protect themselves. We’re going to have an entire generation of kids too fearful to leave the house without holding their mommy’s hand.
I am all for the free range children idea but I am wondering if your data about crime rates take into account what parents have been doin?g to reduce the risks of child directed violence/crime
Kudos, to you and all on this thread raising free children! All my children were free range, even when I lived in Seattle! from walking to the busstop, golf course, and markets, flying alone, and so many things, I taught them to be safe, how to walk safely and be aware. I had to let my epileptic son have his freedom too. My daughter who had been too shy at 5 to tell the schoolbus driver she missed her stop and was still on the bus at the bus barn, later flew to paris and wandered paris by herself at 15. The adventures my children have had! My daughter (the paris one) just birthed her first, hopefully free range child! at home, just as she was born.
love to you all!
hannah
I just wanted to share my blog from today with you, Lenore. I am so grateful for the freedom you have given me AND my kids!
http://www.motherhoodwithattitude.com/2010/07/07/my-attempts-to-go-free-range/
I grew up a Free Range Kid in the 70s and early 80s. I loved it and suffered no ill effects from it.
I have 2 boys, aged 8 and 4, and I certainly plan on letting them have as much freedom as they can handle. For us, there came a time where our oldest was obviously capable of handling some freedom. As he has gotten older and demonstrated that he can handle it, he is given more. Our 4 year old has not demonstrated that ability yet, so he is more restricted – but as he gets older and more aware of himself and his surroundings, he will be given more freedom.
We believe in safety. Helmets, seatbelts, etc are all required to be used in our family.
We also believe that a child must learn through experience. I don’t know about your kid(s), but mine are independent minded and adventerous. I can TELL them something a million times, but until they experience it for themselves, it is like trying to keep the ocean from washing on shore.
For the most part, I trust the other parents in our neighborhood. Mostly because we made a concerted effort to get to know them all and speak on a regular basis. All of us have our children’s best interests at heart. We all keep an eye out for each other’s children. It isn’t uncommon for my house to be filled with kids from the neighborhood as they all roam from house to house and play outdoors.
One of the big factors for me to decide to be a Free Range Mom was hearing a story on NPR about how some ‘children’ who graduate from COLLEGE these days are taking their parents with them on job interviews! INSANITY! When does this protective insanity end? Some of these kids who haven’t learned how to be their own people will never be able to function normally in society – and that is a huge dis-service that their own parents have prepetrated on them.
So, yeah. Sometimes my 8 year old comes home with a scraped knee or hurt feelings and dirty and smelly and needing a good bath – but he is HAPPY and knows his own mind. He sometimes plays his DS or watches cable cartoons or plays with his friends on the Wii. But he always comes to a point where he’d rather be outside, playing with friends and discovering nature and pretending to be Luke Skywalker or Jim Hawkins.
Give me Free Range over the cage any day!
BTW< my boys are both autistic, one with Asperger's Syndrome and the other is PDD. High functioning, of course – but even they benefit in many ways from being Free Range Kids.
we’ve done our children a great disservice by being over-protective and paranoid. we’ve raised a society of would-be adults many who can’t think for themselves, are not self-sufficient or responsible. being a mother for many is a wonderful thing, but realizing our children have a destiny that’s out of our control is the hardest lesson of us. Freedom is just another word if we don’t wake up and teach our children how to be free.
As a child we were lucky to have had a river running at the bottom of our garden which I used to play by and paddle in (mostly unsupervised) from a very young age – this I feel taught me to naturally take care and be aware of my surroundings – it never felt dangerous.
At the tender age of 11 my parents sent me on my own to Ireland in the Summer holidays to stay with my cousin. This entailed a 40 mile train journey to Liverpool to connect with the ferry to Dublin. I travelled totally alone all the way from being dropped to catch the train before being finally met by my Uncle at the boat train terminal in Dublin – this was an overnight ferry crossing making all the connections without cabin and I was ONLY 11 YEARS OLD! This was 1971 and I doubt it would be allowed to happen now.
Although I had always been self reliant having been at boarding school since the age of 9 I can remember feeling apprehensive – but hey – I survived though it might have been a serious matter for my parents if anything had happened to me along the way.
My own children have been brought up (I hope responsiby) free-range maybe freer than most kids in the 1980/90’s and certainly more than the poor couped up kids today, but not to the same extent as the freedom I had – that felt extreme, and it pains me to say I feel was more for my parent’s convenience than my best interest.
However I do believe children learn self reliance by being given responsibility for themselves and their actions.
Free range parenting is definately the best way to go. I know of other parents who want to try to be more free range, but they’re worried that “something will happen”. Other parents wouldn’t DARE let their kids have a little space a freedom now and then. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if their kids rebel one day. And for the parents who are worried about “things happening”, let’s think about this logically now. Getting hurt? It’s natural. As long as you teach your kids not to climb up trees and jump down from them and run out into the street without looking, and all that other obvious stuff, they’ll be fine. A bruise or a cut is nothing to go to the ER for! For goodness sake, minor injuries happen. Getting hit by a car? Like I said, if you teach a kid not to run out into the street without looking, they will be fine. Of course, accidents have happened. But teach them to be careful and aware. If there are any freakish speedster drivers around the neighborhood that you worry about, get em reported to the police. Getting kidnapped? This is probably any parent’s number one fear. Don’t they know how rare it is? One of my friends outright refuses to let her kids walk to their friend’s house a few houses away because they “don’t wanna take chances”. Kids being killed in cars is FAR more common, but what are you gonna do then? Walk absoultely everywhere? Oh wait, you can’t. Cause then you can get kidnapped. *rolls eyes* Sickness and disease is another thing. There are tons of fatal diseases out there. And again, more kids die from those than predators. So what now? Keep your kids at home so they don’t catch germs? Oh wait, you already do that. Bring disinfectant everywhere and spray it on anything your kids may touch? Sometimes even disinfectant doesn’t work. See what I mean? The logic of parents these days is so incredibly messed up. The number one thing I worry about when my kids are out alone (which they are quite often, thank you very much) is some wacko helicopter parent calling the cops on me for “neglect”. Psssh. At least my kids aren’t obese and pale like yours, who probably never have been anywhere without you. I doubt they even know what hide and seek or tag is, let alone soccer or basketball. And at least when my kids will look back on their childhoods they’l be so grateful for having all the freedoms they do now.
To all free range parents, be PROUD. Never let idiotic helicopter parents tell you how to raise your kids… EVER!
My 11 year-old just built a boat. Like many of his grand plans, I don’t know where this idea came from. But this time when Christopher let me know of his intentions, he came armed with a sketch, a list of supplies, and– more than ever– certainty that he could pull it off. How could I say no. Three days later, after single-handedly building his vessel (though our 12 year old neighbor joined in the fun a bit ), I found Christopher, our neighbor, and my two younger kids in the back yard, putting on the finishing touches of green paint.
After rigging up a trolly of sorts with two skateboards and a piece of plywood, they towed the boat a few blocks to a small lake and launched it. Every day this past week they have towed the boat to the lake and paddled out to fish, swim and explore.
Yesterday Christopher and his 2 younger siblings went to their clay class at the Community Center located in our safe, quaint(ish) downtown. It happened to overlap with an appointment I had up the road (3 blocks), and so I asked the teacher to please allow them to leave the class by foot. She clearly was at a loss for words and so put me on the phone with the Director of Kids Programs. After stumbling over HER words, she responded. “Never, in 8 years of working here, has ANYONE, EVER, asked such a thing. You want your kids to walk HOME?” I explained the situation, that I had a meeting, blah blah blah… that the kids know where the Dr’s office is, the office manager knows them, blah blah blah. No good. She just “wasn’t comfortable” with it. I pushed a little bit, emphasizing that my almost 12 year old was perfectly capable of walking his brother and sister (7 and 9 years old) the 3 blocks to meet me. She was SO opposed to this that she very generously offered to drive my kids to the Dr’s office. I, of course, was reminded of the car accident vs. abduction stats, and thought of sharing them with her. But I didn’t. I was later informed by the office manager who she relinquished my kids to, that she did so with a more than a bit of trepidation. What was the office manager’s name? Would my kids be supervised the entire time I was in my appointment? Could she be certain they wouldn’t slip out the door and down the street? When the office manager explain how diligent was the person who dropped off my kids, she did so with admiration. Ok, I should be glad that this woman showed such concern for my kids’ safety, and grateful that she went beyond the call of duty to try to ensure it. But I wasn’t. I was annoyed. This was a perfect opportunity for the kids to exercise a little freedom, enjoy a 5 minute through down town on a summer afternoon, and they were deprived of it. More than that, I was irritated at being spoken to and treated like a negligent parent– Because no one has ever SUGGESTED that their kids walk home before, somehow by doing so I was wacko.
So this week my 11 year old built a boat. He has paddled to the far-reaches of our small lake, fished and explored to his heart’s content. But he was also told– by the “Director of Kids Programs”– that he was incapable of walking 3 safe blocks to his mother.
addendum:
1) All of the kids are very advanced swimmers and would have no problem swimming to the shore from any part of the lake.
2) there is a flotation device on board.
2) No one goes to the lake alone
3) Walkie-talkies are (usually) brought for emergency communication, if they are on the water.
Happy summer!
Thank you. It’s about time someone said this and took the heat from all the fear mongers. I hope your book sells well.
As a kid I was free to go out and play without having to worry about my parents. At age 10 we used to go to the the beach, or to the shopping area without supervision. It was fun. Now I’m 49.
I turned 16 years old in July 1981. Later that month, a little boy who lived a couple of miles from me was kidnapped at the Hollywood Mall in Hollywood, Florida, where I worked while I was a high school student. That child was Adam Walsh. Only his head was found. Two years ago, the case was closed by one of my high-school classmates who went on to work for the Hollywood Police Department.
As one who works on criminal justice policy issues—and as a single mother—I know the dangers out there. While this is simply an abstract thing for most parents, I have worked with Parents of Murdered Children. I have listened to their heartbreaking stories. Some of them wonder what they could have done differently.
Alisa Maier’s case ended unusually happy: the little girl abducted from her front yard earlier this week came home alive and the registered sex offender who kidnapped her is dead. That was not the case for five-year-old Samantha Runyon, who was abducted in front of her apartment in Orange County, California. Evidence used to convict her killer: her tear stains on the door panel of the killer’s car provided the DNA evidence.
And please don’t think that your socio-economic status protects you. Danielle van Dam, Jon Benet Ramsey, Elizabeth Smart came from well-to-do families in upscale neighborhoods. All three girls were taken from their own bedrooms.
I don’t think my daughter has been deprived because she didn’t walk to the school bus stop by herself when she was nine years old. I won’t take unnecessary risks with my daughter’s life. You can’t apologize to a dead kid. Six-year-old Etan Patz’s parents thought he was perfectly safe walking two blocks to catch the bus for school. You would think as parents we have learned since then. Some of us have; some have not.
My view of free range children is that the parents don’t care about them. I say this because in my neighborhood there are several 5 and 6 years olds who wander around the neighborhood all day and night without any adult supervision, and this happens everywhere. It puts the burden on parents like me, who are responsible enough to take care of their children and don’t expect other parents to do it for me. They usually end up at our house, or yard because I don’t allow my children to roam around unsupervised because I have a brain. These parents expect you to help their kids when they wipe out on their bike and are bleeding, feed them, etc. They have no boundaries and can go where ever, inside anyone’s house including mine for hours at a time and they have NO IDEA where their children are at, nor do they care. They don’t even know my name and certainly don’t even have my phone number. If there’s an emergency I guess I’ll just call 911 and then they can call DCFS so they can end up in a good home with decent parents who know that there is more to parenting than just getting pregnant and giving birth like these people seem to think. These kids are mostly in Kindergarten, and some I’ve seen are even younger. Free range parents are lazy dead beats from my experience, and they shouldn’t have rights to their kids at all because they put then in harms way ALL THE TIME. Stop expecting other parents to raise your kids if you are a free range parent. And children can’t raise them selves, so they shouldn’t be expected to be. It’s pure neglect and rudeness to responsible parents, not a parenting style.
Okay, I’m 17 years old, so technically i’m still a kid. I grew up as a latchkey kid (nobody was home when i got home), and i think i turned out perfectly fine. I see kids everyday, whose parents shelter them from all manner of things, to a point where its ridiculous. I guess what parents don’t understand is that, eventually kids are going to get exposed to whatever it is your protecting them from, be it television, video games, violence, etc. etc, and children who have been sheltered their whole lives tend to run wild with these things the first time they get them. All things in moderation. I had to walk everywhere my whole life, and i don’t blame anybody for that, its just the way things happened. I never got kidnapped, beat up, or lost, granted i could have, my mother taught me the skills to cope, and get along in a world where such skills are required. So instead of badgering others on their methods of parenting (and i mean the reasonable parenting, not the neglectful kind) raise your kids, focus on them, not others, its none of your buisness.
Angie, why not call DCFS now? Mary, I looked up the Runyon case. I find it interesting that news reports always describe the victims’ bodies as “nude” instead of “naked”. Why? Because it’s more titillating.
I raised a free range kid. A girl named Amber and what I see now is a woman of 31 who has expericenced so much life ! She actually took a two month trip to India completely by herself ! She knew no one in India either. She has traveled to quite a few places in her young life. She has common sense and has managed to do very well. I always likened by parenting to a mother cat. I was and still am protective of my only child but only when I feel it is a real threat. I let her run ahead and learn but would never hesitate to grab her by the scuff of the neck .
CBS News is looking to scare more parents. For those of you who have taught your children what to do if they get separated from you, here is a chance to provide solid information rather than hype.
Email: query-fpy@helpareporter.com
Media Outlet: CBS News – The Early Show
Email: query-fpy@helpareporter.com
Media Outlet: CBS News – The Early Show
Deadline: 07:00 PM EST – 13 July
Query:
The Early Show is working on a piece that will inform parents on how to be better prepared if their child ever wanders off/gets lost. We are looking for a parent who has had this experience and is willing to talk about it on camera. We want to be able to provide our viewers with a sense of how easily a child can wander
off. We are on a tight deadline so if you are a parent with a young child that has been lost and then found, please contact me as soon as possible. Thank you.
Angie, Read Lenore’s book! The children you are describing are neglected not free range. And Mary, with three of the cases you cite being girls taken from their bedrooms, are you suggesting parents should have their kids all sleeping in the same room as the parents so that they won’t get kidnapped? And should parents go to bed at the same time so they will always be in the room with their children? Yes, having your child kidnapped would be horrendously awful, but if my 34 year old son dies in Afghanistan while he is deployed there for the next year, or my 28 year old daughter is killed in a car accident, I will be just as devastated. As parents, we don’t want our children to be hurt, but there comes a time when they are on their own. Having raised mine to be independent and self-sufficient I feel that I have increased their odds of living a long life.
After a chance to research her philosophies and listen to live interviews with her, I felt inspired to weigh in on the matter. Not, obviously, as a parent, but as a former child and ongoing advocate for child welfare. I am a case manager for the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in Boston, where I essentially counsel parents on how to keep their children safe and healthy. Needless to say, this story really hit home for me. I will touch on several points that support my hypothesis that Skenazy’s advice to parents is misguided, irresponsible, and ultimately dangerous.
First of all, the title: Free-Range Kids. Cute. But it conjures the image of an overwatered back yard full of toddlers, all red cheeks and ripe for the plucking. Skenazy compares our children to chicken, born and bred to be gobbled up by society. Which is precisely what will happen to them if parents heed the misguided advice of this mom-turned-parenting guru.
Skenazy appears to base her entire parenting philosophy on the statistic that “researchers have found that the number of kids getting abducted by strangers actually holds very steady over the years” and that crimes against children have decreased substantially since she was growing up in the sixties and seventies. Overstating that crimes against children have decreased nationally in the past thirty years lures parents into believing that American society is on the whole safer for our children. But this blanket statistic does not account for the cities, or neighborhoods, where crime and victimization of children is actually UP. Skenazy has taken a very broad statistic and drawn from that very dangerous conclusions about the safety of our children on American streets. But what about children growing up in the New York City ghettos, or in the Roxbury and Mattapan neighborhoods of Boston? Skenazy should take a good hard look at the trends in crime on the other side of the tracks from her Manhattan high-rise before blanketly advising parents to let their young children off their leashes in public. Moreover, did Skenazy ever stop to think that perhaps crime against children is down precisely BECAUSE parents are more vigilant of their children than they were thirty years ago?
Skenazy would do good to understand that not all children are the same mental age. Skenazy’s ten-year-old Izzy may have had the mentality of a fourteen-year-old, while another ten-year-old may operate at the same mental level as a child of five or six. It is irresponsible therefore to generalize children by age, stating that children have the appropriate mental faculties to keep themselves safe by a specific age. This truly depends on the individual child. Again, her supposition that children of a specific age should be able to stay safe belies her ignorance about child development while also delivering a sense of false security and unrealistic expectations to parents.
In addition, I would ask Skenazy to examine the implications of gender in her parenting philosophy. When it comes to crime against children, boys and girls are not equal. Globally, the majority of sexual violence against children (which includes molestation, incest, pornography, and rape) is against girls. Similarly, children who are abducted to be sold into forced prostitution (yes, this includes the U.S.) are overwhelmingly female. This gross disproportion needs to be taken into consideration when assessing the relative safety of a lone child in today’s America.
Ms. Skenazy, I think your son has you wrapped around his finger. Or maybe not. Maybe your son has the strong inner guide and healthy conscience that will bring him straight home after school or soccer practice. But for every strong-willed tween out there, there must be a dozen more who capitalize on just how much “fun” and “adventure” can be achieved in the short sprint between the basketball court and home. Ms. Skenazy seems focused on the improbability of her child being physically taken, while turning a blind eye to the countless other ways in which her son’s innocence could be taken.
Not only is free-range parenting irresponsiblea and unsafe, it delivers a damning sentence to children in making them grow up before their time. In an America where families are torn apart by divorce, debts, and foreclosures, I advocate for MORE parental involvement, not LESS.
Rather than let Helynna Brooke do all the heavy lifting, I thought I reply.
Laura Louise Plummer of case manager for the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in Boston………
“After a chance to research her philosophies and listen to live interviews with her”
Yes….but have you read her book? If not, you comments have little weight.
Interviews and articles written by others are not a substitute for reading the book.
My son (very free ranged) has recently launched a web based company only to be slandered & libeled by people “unclear about the concept”.
The very nature of your current occupation gives you a skewed view of the world.
Her advice is not misguided.
If my various in-laws had actually free ranged their kids, they wouldn’t have spoiled, entitled, incapable offspring taking 5+ years to finish college, still on the family dole after college and expecting that their parents are still responsible for doing every thing for them.
Free range does not mean unsupervised / untaught.
It means gradual / appropriate increasing freedom, tailored to the child; by age, maturity, gender & personality.
cheers
Bob
LLP, so does more parental involvement equal plugging your kid into the GameBoy, Wii, and TV where she’ll be “safe”?
“But for every strong-willed tween out there, there must be a dozen more who capitalize on just how much “fun” and “adventure” can be achieved in the short sprint between the basketball court and home. ”
LLP has hit the nail on the head, though I don’t think she meant to.
Now “fun” and “adventure” are dirty words in our country. Sad, isn’t it, when a child can’t have either.
And oh by the way, my small town newspaper just ran the article where the dad plead guilty to molesting his own biological daughter. Home can be more dangerous than the playground.
My 7 and 9 year old are flying from DC to CA for two weeks in August to visit their grandparents and cousins. I’m really excited for them but sick of all the comments. Usually it’s “oh I would never let me children do that” with the implication that only an uncaring mother would, but some people will come right out and say it! They have flown this route with me 6 times and really want to go. They have each other and their travel experience to get them through their 6 hours of unaccompanied life with no parent and no cell phone. Horrors!
Wow, freeranger, you really put your $ where your mouth is. Does the airline allow them to fly unaccompanied? My 13-year-old is flying abroad, but with airline accompaniment.
“Unaccompanied” is the airline term for no parent/guardian traveling with the minor. All airlines require that you pay an extra fee for unaccompanied minors to cover the airline accompaniment as far as I’ve found online. In this case, the fee was $100 each way for both kids in addition to the tickets so, yeah, just like the eggs, you have to pay extra for freerange :).
Free range is great as long as your audience understands that there is much education and communication that needs to go on with children for this to happen. It’s NOT about letting kids walk out the door UNequipped to handle what they might encounter on the block, the pool, the park. It’s about being aware of the reality of the world we live in and then equipping the child in an age appropriate way to exist in the world. The fact of the matter is that at this time, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually molested (see Stewards of Children, from Darkness to LIght). 1 in 4 children are exposed to sexual advancements on the internet. These statistics indicate that somehow there is acceptance for this behavior. If 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys were dying we’d do something right? It would be considered epidemic! So what’s the answer? Free range YES, with the condition that parents, guardians, whomever is in charge be aware, be in touch with their charges, educate and communicate with their children often, and over and over. Afterall, what farmer lets his free range chicken play in a field with wolves?
“Free range is great as long as your audience understands that there is much education and communication that needs to go on with children for this to happen” & “”Free range YES, with the condition that parents, guardians, whomever is in charge be aware”
Freerange, yes. What you addressed above is good old fashioned PARENTING and freerange. This is the kind of parenting we are supposed to be doing/were doing until we let big brother take over and make us afraid to be the kind of parents who prepare our children for life. Freerange parenting, I believe, is by definition, the kind of parenting that educates children for life, that has parents being aware, that is not fear based, but reality based. the term freerange may invoke debate. This is a good thing. We have a ways to go to link the term freerange with mindful parenting, but the wheels are in motion.
All good points, Andrea — have you read the book?
Hi Lenore–
Over a year ago I left a comment here on your blog about how I let my 9 month old son use forks and table knives and it freaked people out. It was just before your book came out. Well, I’m finally reading your book, and I’m a few chapters in. I love it. It’s actually quite hilarious how irrational people are.
I’m happy to say that I live in a semi-free range neighborhood. There is a park up the street and I see unsupervised kids there all the time. Down on my end of the street, I am always seeing young kids ride their bikes and playing with their siblings and friends who live nearby…and I often don’t see an adult outside.
Not everyone in our neighborhood is happy about it, though. One of my neighbors calls these kids the “ones that run wild.” Some children are noticeably invisible in our neighborhood. And one lady, a few houses down from me let out a big sigh of relief when she realized I was actually outside with my two year old son, who was standing too close to the street for her own comfort (well, mine, too–I asked him to get away from the street). I said, “Yeah, I was just right over here!” and she said, “Well, that’s not normal around here,” gesturing toward the five, six, and seven year old children riding their bikes only a few houses away from their own. What’s she going to think of me when I end up doing the same thing??
I love your concept. I live in a former Soviet country (yes, I’m American), and I work with the issue of sex trafficking, helping women who were trafficked regain a life.
People think I am crazy, but I let my 3 daughters ride public transportation together and the oldest alone. Last weekend I put my 14 year old on an airplane alone, without escort to fly to another European country for camp. Like your son on the train, she was met at the airport, and she’s having a great time.
I’m teaching my girls knife skills in the kitchen, handing them chef’s knives to chop vegetables with me. When my 8 year old got tired of waiting for me to fry her morning egg, she asked if I’d teach her how to do so. I did. She now makes gorgeous fried eggs on a gas stove.
I absolutely agree that our kids will get confidence and be smart when they are allowed to function on their own. Because of my work, my children could grow up with great fear, but instead, I want them to grow up knowing how to be safe and keep themselves safe. They will do this as they have confidence to go without me as a parent.
I see my daughters blossoming with confidence as I’ve allowed them to do some “dangerous” things.
Thanks for your website and your “media storm” you started. These are great issues to talk about today with parenting.
Read an article in a Dutch paper today about how kids in Denmark are encouraged to play outside their parents’ field of vision. They climb trees and play on swings and do all sorts of things that would give many suburban parents a panic attack. I say “Yay Denmark!” When I grew up in the 60s and 70s, we always played somewhere our parents couldn’t see our every move and I tried to give my kids the freedom to play in our neighborhood without having to check in with me every five minutes.
Read an excerpt on theweek.com. I think it’s odd that people are “surprised” that an 8 year old could do this.
Funny though, it reminded me of a story I heard on This American Life about an immigrant mother who thought sending her kids to summer camp meant dropping her kids at a campground with a tent and groceries and coming back in a week. That’s hee-larious.
The kids survived. May be a bit too “free-range” thou.
Although I think teenagers are often treated badly because their parents won’t accept that they are growing up, you have to strike an age-appropriate balance that I don’t think this site quite has down.
A few years ago I lived in a neighborhood in which kids as young as 3 were allowed to wander around to play without so much as a older sibling to watch them. My youngest was 8, so I would sit on the front steps reading a book while looking up every once in a while to watch her. I was horrified at the behavior of the other kids, even ones as old as mine. They were constantly fighting, touching other people’s cars, not looking where they were going, etc. The worst was when a couple of kids picked up a bottle off the ground and drank its partial contents. It turned out to contain alcohol. And oh yeah, one little kid was banging this glass bottle against a tree before I stopped him. I ended up being the neighborhood babysitter because nobody was taking responsibility for their own kids. I suppose they all thought their kids were mature for their age and would be perfect little angels –HA!
I was SO glad when I moved out of that neighborhood and into one in which parents with kids under 10 actually provided some supervision and occasional advice on how to get along with others. Finally! I was not the only parent out on the front steps and didn’t need to worry about correcting the behavior of OTHER peoples’ kids! (And by the way, the older and unsupervised kids in this neighborhood are also better behaved! Perhaps because they had some supervision and instruction in proper behavior when they were younger!)
My kids are now 10 and 14, and of course I have loosened the reins but GRADUALLY and in an age-appropriate way, and with plenty of previous instruction on what to do when I’m not there. And they are turning out great so far. I often get complements on my son’s behavior and conversational skills (partly due to negative stereotypes of teenagers, no doubt.)
Lynne, Your last paragraph describes free range parenting. Your description of your previous neighborhood is not free range parenting – it is neglect.
I just lent my copy of Free Range Kids to a friend who is due in a month. She just attended a breastfeeding class and apparently the latest “expert” advice is that you are supposed to breastfeed your infant every two hours until they regain any lost birth weight. You must wake them up even if they are sound asleep 24/7 every two hours and feed them even if they aren’t hungry. It looks like we are paving the way for children to lose all capacity for determining whether they feel hungry. And the poor mothers who follow this advice! Apparently the reasoning is that parents can’t tell when a child fusses whether they are hungry or not and the child doesn’t always know either.
Wake a sleeping baby to feed them!? That’s got to be some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
My wife & I developed some “baby guidelines” early on for friends and family………..
1) Never wake a sleeping baby
2) The person who wants to wake the baby, “just to play with him” gets to entertain the baby until he falls asleep again.
Free range is not neglect & neglect is not free range.
Free range is age, situation and child specific guidance, instruction & freedom, not to be confused with “hovering”.
I am always trying to keep my kids’ brains exercised by giving them challenges that most do not consider age-appropriate. At 3 I bought them shoes with shoelaces and began insisting that they at least try to tie them. Everyone thought I was crazy. Last night, my 3yo tied her first bow without help. Now everyone thinks I am lying. Sigh.
I am a high school science teacher, parent, and grandparent and a former cubmaster, and I couldn’t agree with you more! This summer I taught a workshop on building model rockets for 12 to 14 year-olds. None of the 17 kids in the workshop had ever sprayed spray paint, most had never used a utility knife, and two did not know how to tie a knot. Many of my high school students light their first match in my class when lighting a Bunsen burner ( a task many teachers will no longer allow students to perform). If we deny kids the ability to use tools we make them crippled. If we deny kids any risk, they will make their own through risky behavior.
Recently while getting together with three other moms that I’ve known for years the conversation turned to what our kids have been doing so far this summer. I said my daughter (7) has been riding her bike by herself to her friend’s house around the corner two blocks away. There was a pause then I knew I was in the minority. “Can you believe…the neighbors let their kids roam around the neighborhood unsupervised? (Meaning riding their bikes up and down the street).” “Yes, I never let my kids outside unless I’m out there with them (ages 7 & 4). If I have to go inside to throw a load of laundry in the dryer I always make sure another parent is outside watching.” I left feeling alienated. Am I reckless for letting my daughter ride her bike by herself? How else is she going to learn responsibility: “Be home by 5:00,” I tell her. “Alright Mom, I’ll bring my watch.” If kids grow up believing the world is safe for the most part and most people are basically good they will have a gut feeling when something isn’t right. They don’t develop that instinct if they are taught to believe the world is fraught with danger.
This is foolish, and suggests to me a disconnect with reality. I was free-range 28 years ago when the world was safer, and in a safer community with more open space and fewer sex-offenders. I am a very liberal terms of what I teach my kids regarding sex, people of other races and sexual orientatiuons, politics, etc. I do let my kids fall, and I will force them to take responsibility for their mistakes…I build their confidence through loving support of their efforts and dreams. However, with regard to physical limits…my husband is a correctional officer, and there are over 150 sex offenders just in his jail, many of whom have raped kids and killed kids younger than my own. I will be graphic because you need to hear this (apparently) …there are people who stick their penis’ in the rectums of children who are three, or even 8 months old… causing hemmoraging , death…if they didn’t plan to murder them anyway. This HAPPENS. It does. Close your eyes, and vividly imagine your baby or even your 7 years old crying and screaming in a strange place while some hateful stranger tourtures them to death, and think about the fact that at that moment, they are wanting mommy and wondering why mommy and daddy didn’t protect them. We are their world, and all they have to protect them. If your kids get hurt in this awful world, you are very much at fault. this is not a pretty place. Teach your kids about being confident by encouraging them to follow their dreams, don’t let them wander off. SUPERVISE. Even a 16 year old can be abducted. (Molly Bish) I work with her memorium institute. Please, at least get your kids to RAD if you aren’t going to supervise them. http://www.radkids.org
Also, Lenore says that only 100 kids are kidnapped every year. This is untrue. 100 is the rough number of kids kidnapped by a stranger who are “gone for prolonged periods and who cross state lines”….the “official definition” of a kidnapping. Hundreds of thousands are kidnapped every year, and of these, more than 50,000 are kidnapped by nonfamily members. It’s just that they aren’t kidnapped for long peroiods. But during a 2-3 hour kidnapping, your kid can get raped.
Did you know over 3000 people drown a year? Most are kids. drowning is a major cause of death for kids under 4. 44,000 kids in 1997 were hit by cars. Kids who have a fair amount of unsupervised time daily are 3-4 times more likely to use drugs and/or have sex early, regardless of your family’s value system. But no worries, my 6 year old can walk home from school, and your 13 year old should be able to spend time alone with the neighborhood kids while you do something else really important, like….clean the bathroom again.
Hi Amy.
Have you read the book? Her statistics are cited.
Now as to the terrible people in the prison – they are what percentage of the general population? Of course your husband sees them – that’s who he works with. That doesn’t make them a majority.
Please read the book. You may find yourself breathing a touch easier – and yes it IS safer now than when we were kids.
Laura,
I shouldn’t be breathing easier, you should be more concernned. It doesn’t matter what percentage of people are sex offenders, and the fact that you would point to that as a means of proving that the world is statistically “not too unsafe” is almost laughable. The world is unsafe. If 1% of the population are sex offenders, then your child could be hurt. Lots of children are. Even if .025% or .05% are sex offenders, kids can still get hurt. They do, and when they do it’s unimaginable. I know there are currently 14 registered offenders in my community of 5500. That’s too many, and I find no reason to let my kids play outside unsupervised when it does absolutely nothing for their benefit, but where they could run off to the lake that’s 300 feet away from our front door or get picked up by one of those 14 sex offenders.
BTW, Her statidstics are not correct. They are cited, but they are not the newest ones, and are skewed. There are many ways to skew statistics. As i mention, her figure that 100 kids a year are kidnapped is only true based on a certain definition of legal kidnapping by a nonfamily member. There are statistically hundreds of thousands of sexual assaults, kidnappings, drownings, murders, molestations and preventable accidents every year involving kids. I work for a child safety orginization. Our statistics are very real. You may love this woman’s ideas…theyre very nice, in teory, but understand that almost everyone will skew statistics to make a point that they believe in. She is not correct, and if you ever looked into the face of a couple who had lost their daughter one day after dropping her at work and then found her bones years later in a ditch, you might not be as excited about all this happy crap.
Amy,
Hundreds of children die ever year in cars driven by their parents on their way to soccer practice, or a movie, or a vacation. Horrible, violent deaths. And yet I don’t see parents turning in their car keys and staying homebound or taking public transit everywhere. Most parents know (on some level) that every time they drive their children somewhere they’re putting them at risk. But they feel the risk is warranted by the freedom and practical benefits of driving a car.
Those of us who let out kids play outside feel the same way. Sure, there is a very, very small chance of something awful happening to our children in a public park or bus stop. Just as there’s a very, very small chance of something awful happening driving to grandma’s house. I suppose where we may differ with some parents is we see more clearly the benefits of allowing children the freedom of unsupervised play and travel.
Exacty, Rob. I respect your opinion Amy, and I can sort of see where you’re coming from, but take a logical approach: As Rob said, there’s a chance for something bad to happen in cars and buses which people use on a daily basis. And there’s also something dangerous that could happen with almost everything you do in life. Some we just don’t think about. Others people are VERY aware of. Like kidnappings. I’m gonna be honest here. I HATE HATE HATE it when there’s a child who gets kidnapped and murdered. It’s just an awful, awful thing. When most people hear about a murdered child, they are emotionally affected by it and then start to see the world as a dark, dangerous place. That is what fear is. When you think and think about something constantly to the point where it rules your brain and you start to see the world differently (or other things depending on the situation). Trust me, I’ve been there. But you know what? You just can’t think like that. Like I was saying, if you look at everything in life the way people look at sex offenders, then basically everything would be dangerous. When you turn on the stove or microwave to cook food, do you ever think about it exploading? Not really. But it can happen. So what would you do then, live on eating sandwiches? I’m just trying to make a point. Do you let your kids play video games? Are you aware of the fact that there is a chance they can get seizures or blackouts? Are you starting to see what I mean by this? All I’m trying to say is, when you let fear control your life, everything suddenly seems dangerous. How many people do you know who got rid of their cars or microwaves out of fear of an accident? Probably not many. But how many people do you know who keep their kids inside 24/7 for fear that they might get abducted? A lot, right? Accidents happen. But people can obtain the knowledge to know how to deal with or avoid them. That’s why there’s warnings on things, and that’s why kids learn about fire safety at a young age. You don’t see very many people telling you not to buy electrical appliances because you never know when they’ll be an accident do you? Instead, everyone’s going crazy about sex offenders, and parents are being told never to let a kid outdoors alone because you never know when a sex offender is around. Did you know most parents are more afraid of pedophiles than car accidents? Are they even aware that there’s a MUCH higher chance of being killed in a car, which is something people do daily?
It is unrealistic to expect to be able to keep a 16 yr old in a protective bubble. A few years ago in my state, there were a couple of high profile cases of abduction, sexual assault, and murder by registered sex offenders. The victims were 19 and 22 and abducted from or near their workplace. I won’t always be with my daughter to protect her so the best I can do is to give her the tools and teach her how to protect herself. These bad guys go after the “easy” targets, the ones who are submissive and fearful. If they see that a potential victim will scream and put up a fight they are less likely to go after them. I am actually more concerned about a date who might seem nice at first but tries to force himself on her. I am very protective of my children but I have to remember my role as a parent is to prepare them to live in the world on their own. If I coddle them like eggs until they’re 18 what then? I will be doing them a great disservice if I live in constant fear of everything.
A neighbor of ours is often on facebook praising her own ‘free-range parenting’ style and bemoaning the fact that no other neighborhood kids ever come knocking on her door, asking her children to come out to play. She states that this is due to the fact that all of the other kids in town are helicoptered, not allowed the freedom that she allows her kids.
The truth is, though, that my kids do get independence as they show an interest in it, starting out supervised, of course, as they learn the ropes of the new freedoms, but gradually taking the responsibility on their own, as they show proficiency.
Her kids, though, seem to have been thrown out to the world with little direction (or, with little follow-up to make sure that they have learned how to handle the freedom that they have). We’ve chased her toddlers out of the street as traffic swerved around them.
And, as for playing with her children… My kids don’t actually like playing with her children, because they are rude, mean and reckless.
The other neighborhood kids are playing with each other, when time & ability levels permit, as a matter of fact. And, when her children do come to our house, we try to teach them to be polite & safe and invite them to join in with whatever we’re doing.
It’s ‘free-range parents’ like this that give the whole idea a bad name. Has the FRK movement made any effort to address these parents who are claiming to be ‘free range’, but who are actual lazy, neglectful parents? Her attitude, for the most part, seems to be “I gave birth to them, what more do you expect me to do?” But, she places that attitude under the umbrella of ‘free-range parenting’ & uses it to excuse her poorly behaved kids.
And, re-reading what I wrote now, I think that I may have missed my point altogether. I know that FRK philosophy includes teaching your kids about safety before sending them out to explore. So, my neighbor who’s kids are out in the busy street are clearly missing that component.
But, does the FRK movement also address teaching your kids how to be polite, good citizens, responsible, kind people before sending them out on their own in the world? Does it include a level of supervision and guidance of your kids interpersonal behavior with others before you loose them on those others in the world? And, does it include continuing lessons or intervention from parents as the children’s lives and worlds change when they encounter new people & new situations and as they mature into more complex life scenarios?
Using my neighbor’s example as a self-proclaimed free-range parent & her childrens’ apparent inability to see and feel remorse for hurting another kid, breaking things that aren’t theirs, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, asking permission before entering someone’s house, etc – people who that interact with that neighbor and her children will believe that FRK doesn’t see that as something that a parent should do. Because she claims that she practices free range parenting and her children do not appear to be taught manners or citizenship at all.
I have not ‘read the book’, but believe, through my reading on this page, that FRK does *not* advocate sending your children out into the world on their own until you, as a parent, trust that they will be able to both make safe choices for themselves -and- behave respectfully and kindly towards others that they encounter in the world.
But, most of the people that this neighbor encounters in her life as a parent will *not* have read the FRK book, either. Most will then accept *her* definition of free-range parenting and assume that, since she seems to be such an advocate for the movement, that her family is an example of a typical and successful free-range one.
I’ve run into the same kind of extremists when it comes to attachment parenting, of which I am a strong advocate, myself. Those ‘helicopter parents’ who you stereotype and disparage are usually also people who *claim to be* following AP principles. In reality, AP is not about controlling or containing your kids, it’s about *knowing* them, meeting their basic human needs so that they can trust their world to be an emotionally and physically safe place to explore, grow, learn at their own personal pace.
In actuality, AP & FRK seem to work together nicely. The extremists in both groups who profess to be practicing AP or FRK, but who are, in reality, missing the subtleties in each approach, make the two philosophies seem diametrical to each other.
I am often uncomfortable when involved in a conversation with parents who claim to be AP, but who aren’t. I wish that they wouldn’t represent themselves as such, because it leads to misunderstanding of the principles that are at the core of AP. And I am grateful that Dr Sears website has both basic info on what AP is *and* what it isn’t! It’s a good place to send people when they have a misperception about AP parenting.
Has this same thing been discussed in the FRK movement? Do you have literature or web resources that clear up misconceptions about FRK?
Hi,
my family and I live in a small town in the Northwest. My kids are definitely free-range and so are a lot of their friends. I found your book quite amusing, but it also made me realize how out of touch we are with a lot of Americans. That concerns me more than the other worries that you discussed in your book. It sounds like our culture is full of paranoid, overconsuming control-freaks. However, since we can’t do anything about that, we’ll just go play outside:-) Thanks for writing.
Just wanted to say thank you for this. I think you are right on the money and it is very reassuring to me to find this site, as I was beginning to think I was losing my mind.
I was a free range kid. I walked/rode bikes to school, jumped by bike off of home made ramps, over ditches, crashed, skinned my knees,, roller skated past the crazy lady’s house, went to the park, played in the alleys, knew who the “bad kids” were, knew who the creepy adults were, knew who the good and caring adults were, had friends that lived all over the neighborhood and I was allowed to go to their houses by myself – – – all without a HELMET!
So thank you for this, I now have a beautiful 3 year old girl and it is really comforting to find out there are so many other parents who agree with me that this fear mongering has simply gone too far. What really perturbs me is how it happened so FAST…just 30 years time and my how things have changed. Time to change them back, this is just silly. Kids are a lot smarter than people want to give them credit for. Especially when they are “allowed” to be smart.
re bike helmets: All the three- and four-year-olds in my neighborhood trundle around on their miniature training-wheeled bikes, wearing helmets bigger than they are. I’m sure the parents see it as “forming good habits”; I think it’s ridiculous. There’s one family whose kids don’t use them, and all the other parents are tut-tut smugly judging them.
You know, I’ve heard more than one person mention “parents accompanying their kids to job interviews”. Is there any documentation of this? I checked Snopes, but couldn’t find anything. Sounds like urban legend to me…
Yam Erez – I have friends who are managers that have had parents show up at interviews for adult children. Other’s have had parents show up to pick up applications for teenagers. One friend marks the application before giving it to the parent. If is turned in with the mark – it goes in the trash.
Hi Lenore. This article at Miller-McCune may interest you (if you haven’t seen it already):
http://www.miller-mccune.com/education/great-expectations-create-the-best-young-scholars-19451/?utm_source=Newsletter120&utm_medium=email&utm_content=0802&utm_campaign=newsletters
Alas, it makes the commonplace logical error of conflating “avoid helicoptering” with “neglect your kids.” Sheesh!
(sigh)
Now people will have a reason not to take their kids to the beach (if the sun was reason enough).
http://kotaku.com/5604671/need-a-reason-to-stay-inside-beaches-make-you-sick
http://news.discovery.com/earth/beach-summer-bacteria.html
I am totally for free range parenting, When I look back I grew up as a free range child, I was allowed to walk to 2 block to the local shops My older siblings and I would walk to school (a good 20-30min walk) we grew up learning how to be independant and enjoy life. I see these kids today with their helicopter parents and wonder what the world will be like when their kids are old enough to have jobs, are their kids going to go through life with their mummy and daddy holding their hand and making every decision for them even when they are adults?… I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.
As for some of the other comments, free range isn’t about letting your kids run wild with no regard to safety and certainly doesn’t mean letting your toddler run around on the street or let your kids be obnoxious and rude to other people, it’s about letting your child have the freedom to be a kid without parents hovering, and all out trying to control every situation your child is in for ‘fear’ that the child ‘might’ hurt themselves. There’s always a potential for getting hurt, heck my 5yr old can fall over her own two feet sometimes but does that mean I have to carry her everywhere because she ‘might’ hurt herself. No. My child has manners and knows how to be safe, but I let her be a kid and explore without me hovering because I want her to learn how to be independant just like I was.
You rock.
We have people telling us what to do at all times – when I walk into Babies R Us for a babyshower gift, I wonder – pioneers would laugh at this store! Makes me nervous about having kids – nervous about buying into all the ridiculous advice that you rail against.
It piles right onto the consumerist mentality (telling us to buy to be happy). The well-rounded kid had experiences – didn’t stay inside. The 24/7 worldwide news media amplifies “dangers” and people glom on. Ridiculi.
Once again – you rock!
I am a sophomore in college now.
As an elementary schooler, I was not allowed to:
Ride the bus. Any kind of bus. Including school bus.
Ride my bike anywhere but the park a few hundred feet down the street. And if alone, forget it. I remember going to CVS down the street with my friends and feeling an overwhelming sense of panic that my dad would drive by. At the same time, it was exhilarating, breaking those boundaries.
Since I didn’t know any kids in the neighborhood until 5th grade, and couldn’t go outside by myself to find any, I sat in my room and played video games, drew pictures, and read. Mostly video games.
This part of my life was characterized by extreme boredom. Luckily I enjoyed reading.
As a junior high schooler, I was now allowed to:
Ride the bus to school, but my mom would stand a few hundred feet away, watching, until I got on. For 20 minutes at a time, every morning. No other buses allowed.
Be home alone. I distinctly remember the first time home alone: It was for ten minutes while my parents went to talk to the neighbors. That was probably it during junior high. I still had to go to work with my mom during the summer and breaks. I would sit at a computer playing neopets for the greater part of the day. Absolutely no other option – couldn’t leave, go for a walk, etc.
I was still not allowed to:
Go to concerts with friends. (I wanted to be a musician, and now I’m going to college for music.) The word “concert” was an automatic no.
Have a blog, my own email, a myspace account, an AIM username, or any other account where my name or picture could be. The “raids” my dad did on my internet activity were awful.
Be home alone for any large length of time (until 15 or 16.) My mom would still make me go to work with her during the summer, and accompany her on any and all shopping trips.
If a friend called me on the phone asking to hang out, I was not allowed to ask my parents for permission while still on the phone. Because they needed time to Think About It (and it didn’t matter what it was.)
I was always incredibly reluctant to actually ask permission, also – whenever I started a “can I…” conversation with my parents, a look of despair or anger would always end up on my mother’s face. Like I was offending her by asking for something. Like I was demanding perfection from her. This reluctance still resonates with me now.
I was not allowed to hang out with the same person twice in one weekend with the reason being, “Isn’t it enough that we let you go yesterday?” Never mind any other reason – I had my homework done and nothing else to do that day. So I went back to my room and played video games.
Go out with boys. Had to lie any time I even met a boy at a public place, or if there were males in my group of friends. Yet my parents weren’t against the idea of having a boyfriend. I just couldn’t see him outside of school or a very sanitary mom-driven trip to the movies.
As a high schooler,
I was still questioned every time I wanted to leave the safe, sanitary confines of my house. I had to give the full itinerary: Who I’m with, how I know them, last names of the people I know (if I didn’t know, I received a “why not?” lecture), exactly where I’m going to be (name of the place, location), how long I will be there, when exactly I will be home, etc. The plans with my friends could not change unexpectedly, though real life doesn’t work according to schedule. If I called and made a plan change, I was yelled at for “pressuring” my parents into letting me do something they wouldn’t normally do.
I was not allowed to ride in a car with a friend driving until junior year.
I took driver’s ed during one summer, which gave me a certificate for getting my license without a test for 6 months afterward. But I was not allowed to actually get my license until a year afterward – the summer before my senior year.
My curfew was either 10 or 11pm until I graduated. Many nights, “Be home before the sun goes down.” At seventeen years old, on a Saturday night.
I had to call every time I arrived or left somewhere by myself. Every time. Every day at school – EVERY DAY. If I forgot, which is very likely out of a couple hundred days of school or marching band practice, I would be in huge trouble.
I couldn’t even take the classes that I wanted. The fight with my dad about taking Calculus my senior year (I didn’t want to take it) was the most bitter encounter we have ever had. I still resent him for forcibly making me sign up for it. I have absolutely no use for the course (it’s listed as an elective on my DARS. Thanks.) and I honestly regret taking it. The class was single greatest stressor of my senior year and was the reason why the first semester was hell for me – adding to the “what the hell am I doing for the rest of my life” stress. Never mind that I had it figured out and calculus wasn’t a part of it – my dad’s an engineer, no getting out of it for me. I wanted to take choir instead – and it had to be during that hour. He didn’t understand that becoming a musician is something more than focusing on one instrument – any musician can benefit from ANY musical experience. Now that I am too busy to take choir and have scheduling conflicts, I still deeply regret bending and taking calculus.
Oh, and still had to go with my parents to The Cabin: a place they bought when I was in second grade. We went every other weekend. Every other weekend since second grade. This halved my chances of ever going out with my friends, also, and I wasn’t allowed to stay home alone until this summer (I’m almost 19). Luckily marching band would get in the way of it sometimes.
The first time I ever really felt, happy, free, and independent was when my parents miraculously let me live in a dorm in Pennsylvania for six weeks at an arts camp over a summer in high school. I still was expected to call every night – without being informed of this, and was constantly accused of being in a boy’s room – but it was wonderful.
Luckily, I’m sitting home alone for the whole weekend, not as anxious to move out as I once was. I can say, “I’m going out with my friend X” and receive “Okay, bye” as the response. I would have killed for this type of freedom only 6 months ago (during my freshman year of college) – and thank god I have it now!! I’m a little less angry that I wasn’t allowed to get an apartment for the year (even though I clearly show the responsibility and have more than enough money from my scholarship) but yeah, still pretty mad.
My parents have always been supportive of me in my endeavors, especially music, and they give me money whenever I need it, without question. But I feel like I would have given anything in the world – less toys, less video games, less cartoons, less expensive things – to have just a little more independence. I was definitely privileged – grew up in a suburb, a nice house, with a father that made a six figure salary, any pet that I wanted.
I’ve only recently completely banished the weird guilty freakout feelings that I used to get every time I went out or did an “unallowed” thing.
But I still feel incredibly angry to the core. I’m not sorry for whining about it.
Wow, Erica. Just wow. I’m so glad you wrote in. You reminded me how when I was 13, a young man we knew who was attending an out-of-state school got murdered in some love triangle. My parents decided that was it: I wasn’t going away to school; I was going to live at home and commute. Like you with the calculus, I was too wimpy to stand up to my parents. I got my guidance counselor to intervene. They agreed to let me go away to an in-state school, but not to B.U., where I’d been accepted.
I get your anger, and you’re not alone. You’re doing fine. Move forward.
I just started reading your book, and I’m thrilled. I’ve been part of the helicopter movement for too long.
We have an in-ground pool in our yard, and of course, there are lots of kids over all summer. You should see the looks I get for encouraging my children to go off the diving board. Apparently the appropriate response is “OMG, don’t try that.” Instead, I cheer and clap, while the kids (ages 5, 3, and 2) stand there and make their decision. My five year old jumps off and swims across the pool. My three year old jumps off with arm floaties on. The baby changes her mind and steps down each time. All their little friends stay on the steps in the shallow end while my strong swimmers have a ball!
A Facebook friend posted this rant about how wrong it was that some kid across the street was being allowed to use a gas powered lawn blower while the adult just supervised from the truck. And I replied that it really wasn’t that big a deal. It had no blade, and gas engines don’t just blow up for no reason, and he is being watched and has probably had instruction. And I suggested she needed to relax, because kids are a lot more capable than we give them credit for. Then she wrote back and asserted that it was inappropriate (without evidence or reason, naturally). So I told her that of course she gets to decide what’s inappropriate for her kids and what they are capable of, and other people get to do that for their own kids. Then she writes back “EXCUSE the hell out of me for being concerned..”. So I mentioned that I don’t generally find yelling and cussing to be very convincing, and reiterated that of course she gets to decide for her own children, who are perhaps not as capable as other children of the same age, but she doesn’t get to decide for other people. So she unfriended me.
I’m a fan of a lot of principles of free range parenting… and the black sheep of my peers – I let my 6 and 8 yr old walk to the corner store a few blocks away with 10-12 year old neighbours. I left them with 11 year old twins for 3 hours one afternoon with their parents next door because as a single parent I had no one else and needed to go to work. I have to pay every time I step foot out the door with my kids and have my eye on them every second of the day otherwise. They play with other kids on the block freely up and down the block within established parameters without calling from every house they stop at. I drop my 8 year old off at the pool – she’s an excellent swimmer, with her friends as the lifeguard watches on and most of her friends don’t allow that.
I’m currently facing the temptation starting in the fall when i start a new job and won’t be able to go out for a run only when they’re in school and I was toying with the idea of going out for my run early before they wake up (after prepping them of course) and notifying a close friend and neighbour across the street… but there are others that think I should be called in for charges to leave the house for 30-45 minutes with my kids alone. Between the worrying I would do and the risks of getting called in for neglect I probably won’t do it… but it sure would be nice if I could prep them for something like that and not have to pay a sitter everytime I want to go for a run.
I am totally for free-range kids. I grew up the 80s in Kings Cross in Sydney, an area known for its prostitution, drug addiction, police corruption and violent crime. When US navy vessels come to Sydney they dock there and you can imagine the chaos.
I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t allowed free range. I could catch the train, ride busses and wander around to my heart’s content. My school was in Darlinghurst, the Gay Capital of the world and home to Sydney’s Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras and I’d walk there every day.
I was never threatened and felt completely comfortable in my surroundings. I’m grateful to my parents for this exposure. By contrast my wife, who led a far more sheltered upbringing in the sububrbs, is racked by anxiety. We went to India together last year and she couldn’t relax, trusting nobody and seeing threats everywhere. I had to leave her behind to travel to Kashmir, an experience intersting beyond description.
Keep up the good work! I’m astonished at the vehemence of your detractors and wouldn’t have believed it except now, with my own kids going off to school, I face similar smug supervision proponents from a group I’ve dubbed Team Mummy Safety Squad.
I think Lenore has single-handedly gotten this concept quite mainstream and I’m really grateful for it.
I just published something echoing her sentiments: http://messymatters.com/strangers
I want to share a conversation I overheard today between a father and his son, who looked to be about five or six years old. The boy was dressed in a martial arts outfit and they were about a half a block from the facility that has martial arts training for kids and adults. The boy was talking about the other kids staying for class whose parents would leave them and come back when class was over. He told his father that he too could attend class without his father staying. His father had quietly listened, and when the boy finished, he said, “Would you like me to leave today while you are at your class?”. The boy was silent for a moment, and then said very strongly, “No”. Dad just responded with “Okay”. As I listened, I thought this was a perfect example of free range parenting. The father listened, asked his child if that was what he wanted, and then acknowledged his answer. If the child had said yes, it would have been a perfectly safe place for him to stay without his parent, but the father didn’t make any big deal of his son’s answer. He didn’t tease him or belittle him, even though the boy had spent a lot of sentences telling his father why he should be left at the class. The boy got to safely experiment with the idea, check out his parent’s response, but then have it be okay that he wasn’t ready yet. I share this because it is an example of how much careful thought goes into being a free range parent.
I was a free range kid back in the seventies and eighties. We biked all over the neighborhood, went to the playground 1/2 mile away, and we did just fine.
But when I became a parent, the idea of free range for my kids didn’t carry over so well. I wanted it, but was very paranoid and justified it because things are different today than 30 years ago.
Well, I am working on giving my dds more independence and a free range life. I am still nervous about it at times, but I am working at it.
On Monday we were at the local amusement park. It is hard to be the only adult with my girls because one of them CAN go on the big rides, and the other one CAN’T. So, I opted to let my 8 1/2 year old walk across the park to the ride she wanted to go on while I took the younger one on her ride. My older daughter had specific instructions to stay at the ride and we would meet her there when we were done with my younger daughter’s ride. It was daytime, lots of families around, and she was just fine and feeling very responsible.
Yesterday, my 8 1/2 year old rode 1/2 mile up the road on her bike to meet my sister to go for a bike ride. I did insist that my sister text me when she arrived. (O:
And today, we began making a map of our neighborhood. My 8 1/2 year old rode around one block and reported back the names of the streets and we drew a map. Then she rode around two blocks and reported back the names of the streets so we could add them to our map. She now knows the names of all the streets 4 blocks up and 2 deep.
We are getting there…or maybe I should say I am getting there!
Thank you for giving this a name! So FOR this. I just wish I got the chance to hear you speak when you were in the Bay Area. You go girl!
I’ve been following you for a while, here something i found for your amusement http://www.fastcodesign.com/1662113/almost-genius-keep-pervs-off-your-kid-with-alarm-rigged-playsuit
My 2 year old is just beginning her childhood she plays in her own room with the door closed and has since she was 10 months old, I let her sit in the car as I bring groceries into my house, and I allow her to sit on the front step by herself if I have to go upstairs when she plays outside. I was a free range kid I was staying home by myself when I was 9 and I will do the same for my daughter.
I love your Blog. I am definitely a free range parent, but often feel alone as one — surrounded by others who think I might just be a bit insane. I just got back from Mom’s weekend at the sleep-away my 10 year old daughter is attending. It’s a 4 week camp and this is her third Summer there. She was 8 the first time she went. Most parents who hear that she is going to sleep-away camp for 4 weeks just look at me as if I am insane. My daughter’s two friends were finally allowed to go to a 5 day week sleep-away camp this Summer. The point is — it was just fantastic to see all of the kids at camp being so capable, responsible and independent and having a great time. The camp director encouraged all of us Mom’s to let our daughters take the lead and show us what they have been learning and doing and not to take control of them. All the girls there have the freedom and indeed are expected to go between their scheduled activities independently using a watch to make sure they are on time. I think that giving my daughter this opportunity to be independent and responsbile within the confines of the camp is a terrific experience for her. It also ocurred to me this weekend that the whole camp for the most part is staffed and run by young people — the oldest counselors are 21! My daughter is in a cabin with 8 other 10 year olds and 2 counselors one is in college and the other will be a Senior in high school. Yes, our young people are much more capable than we give them credit for and will develop into responsbile adults if they are given the opportunity and the training.
Oh and also — there was plenty of hugging going on — of course is an all girls camp, but still.
~Beth
Today I let my seven year old son go to the barber around the corner from our house on his own for the first time to get his hair cut. Last time we were there I spoke to the barber about the possibility of my son coming over on his own, explaining we live near by and she knew that we came regulalry. She said that was fine and that he should just come in and ask for a “boy’s haircut” and she would know what he wanted. He has been looking forward to going back on his own ever since. Today the big day came and he was so excited! We got the money ready together and then he had me remind him what to ask for and off he went. He ran back home absolutely glowing and I was so proud of him and so happy for how happy HE was I actually teared up.
Yay April!
Today I sent my 12 yo son and 10 yo daughter on the light rail train from our suburb to downtown, so they could meet their daddy and go to a baseball game. He was confident, she was wary, but they both hopped on that train. They had directions, phone numbers and a phone, no changing trains necessary, and they got there just fine.
I was nervous but confident! My son was like, “you can go, Mom!” at the platform, lol.
Bless you for your courage to point out that so many parents are too overprotective! I am not an overportective mom and really struggle to NOT point out to all the overprotective Mom’s (& Dad’s!!) how they are stiffling creativity, lowering their child’s self esteem and flat out teaching their child they don’t deserve to be respected!!!! Here’s my philosophy on this… What am I telling my child each time I do for them what they can do for themselves?? I am saying “You can’t do it correctly” or “You are not good enough.” Is that REALLY what I want to say to my child?? I sure don’t!!
This article about a five-year-old getting electrocuted in a swimming pool appeared yesterday: http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/boy-5-in-serious-condition-after-electrocuted-in-pool-1.308462. The father:
“Keep a close eye on your children, because death lurks everywhere. He went away from me for five minutes, and that’s when disaster happened.”
Except that what happened would’ve happened even if his dad had been right next to him, as indeed other adults were. There is no way this flukey incident could’ve been anticipated or prevented, unless of course we now start not taking our kids swimming!
seriously the best thing to happen to me in a long time-what a great website with well thought-out and tried and true tested ideas! seriously-hooray for you!!!!!
pacing the panic room sent me here
i like the idea of free-range kids (although i’m not totally comfortable with some of lenore’s extremes), and i would like some advice: my husband and i will soon be adopting a young boy. after years of miscarriages and failed adoption plans, i’m terrified to let this boy, who hasn’t even come to live with us yet, out of my sight for even a few minutes. i’m especially nervous for this particular boy, who has been abused and neglected. how can i moderate my crazy-protective response into something that will allow him to have a regular life?
I’m generally in agreement with Lenore’s views. It’s ridiculous to try to protect our children from EVERYTHING out there. The article about not having a baby on board sign because it could decapitate the baby … fear-mongering at it’s worst! Gave me a good lol.
My mom and I talk fairly often about this blog. And there is one argument that she brings up that I don’t know how to combat. When I was 14 or 15 a girl down the block was kidnapped. She’s not been found to this day. She was walking 3 blocks in a safe neighborhood to the local grocery store. All of us neighborhood kids did it. She went with a friend. Sure, it’s a VERY rare scenario, but it happened in my life. I knew the girl and her friend. That could have been ME!
So when it comes to things like letting the kids play alone in the park … that’s very scary. My neighborhood couldn’t BE more typically suburban and safe. But, how do I work up the nerve to let my daughter do something that feels so dangerous? I don’t want to be a helicopter mom, but I don’t know how to justify something that in my experience has turned out so disasterously. Maybe that’s the shift in thinking that I need to make … it’s not what makes me comfortable, but what is best for my daughter. Because the likelyhood of her being kidnapped is very, very low.
BTW: For those interested, the girl is Michaela Garecht. Her mom writes a blog here: http://thewonderingheart.blogspot.com/
Sam, I’ve always wondered if kids conceived through treatments or adopted after years of infertility are more sheltered. I totally get your concerns and you’re to be admired for posting here and being so self-aware. I don’t have much for you in the way of practical advice, aside from staying here and reading the wise posts; also I would think this is (or should be) a topic in adoptive parent groups. Why not join one and bring it up? I bet the parents there would have plenty so say on the subject.
As for Ella’s Mommy, kudos to you too for your self-awareness. All I can say is that you not giving your daughter free range won’t bring back Michaela Garecht. As well, as many here have said, your daughter is at greater risk of dying in a car wreck than being the next Michaela Garecht. So will you stop letting her ride in cars? When I was 13, my cousin’s best friend was murdered while attending out-of-state university. My parents’ reaction? “You’re not going away to school. You’re going to live at home.” See what I mean?
Hi Sam and others,
I do understand that losing a child or someone you know losing a child is a life altering process as it brings home all of those scary things that might and very ocassionally do — happen. I lost my son Sam who was stillborn just one week before his due date. My daughter was 2 and a half at the time and I thought that this loss would make me VERY over protective of her. Strangely it has had the oppossite affect. I think I realized that something that hardly ever happends (late term stillbirth) can happen and that nothing I could have done would have prevented it. So, I focus on taking reasonable precautions, and talking to my daughter about safety etc… and then I let her go — if something is going to happen that is very rare — well there isn’t much I can do about it. This is the third Summer that she has done to a 4 week sleep-away camp 2 hours from our home. She loves it, loves the freedom and chance to be her own person and to be responsible and capable. They are very safety conscious at the camp, but they also give the girls freedom to be girls — it’s a great balance. I would say to work to prevent the preventable and then let go of the things that can’t be prevented or foreseen.
~Beth
My co-parent, Bill, and I were free range parents before we heard of the movement. It’s great to have some support for this.
When I was 27 I met a woman, Cate, who had travelled to Egypt, by herself when she was 15. When I was 15 I had my driver’s license and I went to Europe by myself. Still, I was quite impressed that Cate’s New Yorker parents, let her do something so bold and adventurous in the 1980’s.
My co-parent /spouse is British and he was hiking and staying overnight in the hills, by himself, at 12.
That’s been our standard. Now I have a 16 year old and a 9 year old and we encourage all free range activities.
Bless this movement.
I have a son from a prior marriage whose mother would wrap him in bubble wrap if she could.
I’m not saying we should be tossing our kids out in the forest with a garbage bag and a canteen and hope they return, but geez, we as a society have gone overboard.
Kids need go build real confidence in themselves, and they have to learn life isn’t always a controlled environment that Mommy and Daddy control.
This society is fostering a generation of kids who don’t learn that they are going to be on their own one day, because we have Mommy and Daddy hovering nearby.
In the case of the author, she did due diligence, did exactly what a parent should do, and then the her child became better for it.
As a kid, I walked everywhere, for miles. I had access to these huge dirt hills that had become overgrown and “dangerous” in the estimation of the developer of the community. Those hills were the stage of our saving the free world from the Nazis, or rescuing plane crash victims, fighting off alien invasions, or even building forts in hostile territory. We played there from ages 6-13 and nobody ever disappeared, died or became members of a Satanic cult.
My older child rues the lack of such places for him. I do too. He recently confided in me that he and his friends have found some places his mother would strictly forbid him from, and all I could say was I understand, be good, and be careful.
We need to teach our kids the best we can, be watchful, but also be willing to let our kids push out against the boundaries and grow. We do our society at large a great disservice by not allowing our children a chance to grow.
In the city I live in, the author would be a pariah, in my home, she’d be an esteemed guest.
Bravo – add me to the list that believes you’re preparing children to be smart, savvy adults.
Yes, the haters will have safe children – safe, emotionally crippled children who can’t cope when anything other than EXACTLY what they expect happens.
I think this is a GREAT idea.
I was raised by my mom growing up. (Parents divorced when I was 2 and Dad moved away around 10-12 ish). I had to be “free range”. But this has helped me out. I ended up in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, completing the requirements for Eagle Scout before I turned 16, and finishing it up after I turned 16. I was independant, did after school activities, biked or walked home or to a friends house. this was before cell phones were common (my mom had one of those grey flip 1st generation Motorola ones). I could go out and have fun, learn from my mistakes and go from there.
I think many kids are too coddled these days, and I think it’s going to harm society. If they don’t learn from their mistakes as kids, it will harm them later in society. How will they learn to deal with failure, mistakes, injuries? I became basically self sufficient in High School, I held jobs, I paid my own way for a boy scout trip to the Bahamas, I could function without a net. But if something truely bad did happen, I know my mom would help.
Free Range Kids is a great Idea, I hope is spreads.
BTW, a good friend has taught his kids how to shoot firearms (.22s, the small ones) defend themselves, and know when they need help. His kids will survive. the ones who need a cellphone at age 12 to call home in-case they get a bobo? ……….
I have a two year old daughter and a son on the way. My wife and I have had numerous conversations on the ways in which we plan to raise our children. Neither of us are sensationalists and neither of us really buy into the fear that it’s a scary evil world. I don’t believe it is. While in high school I saved my money and sent myself to the Caribbean (including Haiti) and Western Europe with almost no adult supervision. While in Haiti I was nearly mugged a couple of times, I saw armed men patrolling the streets, and I stayed just outside of and spent my days in La Saline, a ghetto accustomed to gang violence. I saw some terrible things and was put in harm’s way a few times, but quick wits and common sense kept me from being harmed. Not every child would have been capable of dealing with those problems. I’m fortunate that I was.
Back to the point. There are some dangers out there in the world, but seeing that adversity and being imbued with responsibility is tantamount to growing into a responsible, world conscious individual. I’m not saying that we should throw caution to the wind in rearing our children. My parents knew that I would be able to handle myself appropriately in my travels and allowed me to go.
We need to be cautious with our children to not stifle their growth. They should be allowed to take on responsibility when they are adequately prepared mentally, emotionally, and physically to take it on. Recognizing this in our children is on us and if you are not capable of doing that you need to step back and question your own parenting skills.
I think that my wife and I will allow our children to develop at their own pace and make these judgement calls as they arise. I applaud Lenore and her husband in being able to make this call successfully and telling their story. We can’t protect our children from all dangers and we shouldn’t try. I’d like to think that if I had been in their position that I would have made the same decision, as they both agreed that Izzy was ready when he said he was ready. They know their son better than most of us know our children.
I am from Eastern Europe, and I have discovered that the manmade landscape is utterly unlivable (horrible, actually) here, in the US. There are no true cities or town or villages left. We have one giant sprawl consisting of strip malls, isolated subdivisions and clogged freeways. The vibrant, walkable places are almost extinct. There is a huge separation of uses – commercial here, residential there, and there are no connections between places whatsoever. How did you, people of this great country, make it happen??? And why???
I mean, I would LOVE to let my kids be free range. That is how people all over the world live, but how can I do that? We live in Philly suburb where there are no towns really left. Just names. All we have are isolated subdivisions and malls. There are no “neighborhood” stores, post offices, and schools. They all spread apart without sidewalks. One cannot survive here without a car. I mourn my child’s life here. Until she grows up and will be able to drive, she would not experiencing life to its fullest. Honestly, had I known what Americans did to this country, I would’ve never immigrated here in the first place… Interestingly enough, all Americans movies I watched back home, showed beautiful places filled with people and things to do. Now I understand that it was all Manhattan (ha-ha). That being sad, children must have freedom to explore the world. In my home country this is not even an issue! Kids all go to schools by themselves, they cook, they explore the world around them and they grow up to be independent adults, ones who can handle immigration to the USA (now I am being sarcastic). And there are multiple dangers in my country, crime is much higher than in the USA, and it is not as safe to play outside as it was during the Soviet times. But you know what? All parents still let their kids out because freedom is the most important thing that no amount of toys can replace. It is what is lost here, in the USA. Freedom is lost. What we need to do is start building places where we can be free; where we can walk to places, let our kids to find their own friends. Where if you are young or elderly, you are not “sentenced” to your house but you can live the life to its fullest. Damn, I would love to live in Manhattan, if only for the sake if my child, who would most, definitely use subway when she is 10, go to the library and visit her friends by herself. I envy Lenore that she lives in such a great place! I WANT my child to live life to its fullest and not just wait for her mother to drive her around these crazy soulless suburbs. Please tell me that there is hope for me here.
Anna, I grew up in Shawnee Mission, KS, the Ultimate Soulless Suburbia. So I know what you’re talking about: manicured lawns, no trees larger than 10 cm circumference (i.e., nothing to climb), zoning mandating buildings being miles apart — believe me, I know the drill. BUT even in the Golden Ghetto, I see joggers, and when I visit my parents, I throw on a backpack and WALK (horrors!) to the mall and library. You can still buy your kid a bike and encourage her to ride it where she needs to go, even if it’s a strip mall. In winter, folks cross-country ski in golf courses. Or snowshoe. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
And there ARE still walkable, livable cities. Check out WalkAmerica online and similar. There is a movement to make our living spaces more connected and ped-friendly. You can find like-minded people. Use the Web.
wow. I am SO impressed an relieved to have found your site. I think the whole helicopter mom and over parenting in general is taking over our society! Once, while reading Parenting in a doctors office I came across an article on summer safety. One tip included not letting your children roll and play in the grass, as they could get chigger bite. I was taken aback. WHAT? Not let your kids play in the grass in the summer?! I thought of the countless hours I spent in my front yard as a kid, playing with my toys until my mom had to physically bring me back in when the sun went down. I don’t remember chigger bites, or bug bites in general… I have too many fond memories of warm summer evenings spent with my imagination, friends and family out of doors enjoying life. Good for you and moms like you. You are NOT bad moms and being a highly over protective parent doesn’t make you a good mom. We all need to lighten up and let our kids enjoy life a little. Kudos to you!
Well… I’ve been a big advocate of raising free-range kids… I tell all my friends about it. I try to give my girls confidence in themselves and reasonable guidelines about interactions with strangers.
Last Saturday night I had a chance to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
I was taking my younger daughter to a Philadelphia Phillies game. I’ve taken each of the girls to two games this year.
This night, I was with my 5 (soon to be 6) year old. We were waiting in line for the in-stadium restaurant (Harry the K’s for any Phillie fans familiar with the place) and my little one told me she needed to go to the bathroom… the line at Harry the Ks can get pretty long and we were about 6 parties away from being seated at the time.
The bathrooms were about 20 feet away… or I should say, the exits to the bathrooms was. I’m still not sure where the entrance to these bathrooms is – nowhere in sight, to be sure.
But I realized that even though there were 45000 people there – they were almost assuredly there to see a baseball game and not to cause harm. I told my girl to head in the exit, do her business and then come right back.
A ladies bathroom with a high volume of turnover – people walking out every 10 seconds or so – is not likely to be a hiding place for someone looking to snatch a kid.
After she disappeared, I was a bit concerned – mostly because I couldn’t see where she might come out if she got turned around.
About 3 minutes later – just long enough for me to start feeling anxiety, but not long enough for real fear – she came hopping out of the bathroom and joined me back on the steps – the next party to be seated.
Here’s what felt so liberating – I knew that she knew where I was and where I was going to be. I knew that she could do her thing and find her way back. And I knew that the reality in a situation like that is that if she had any problems, the VAST majority of adults would be there to HELP – not harm.
In the last year, I’ve sent my kids on a few errands or small adventures – joining us in the grocery store at the far end of the shopping center from the Taekwon Do school after a lesson was over. Going out into the parking lot of that same shopping center with key to the car in hand in order to retrieve a book or video game. But those “trial runs” were in a local community where it was pretty likely that we or the kids would see someone we knew well on any given day in that parking lot.
This was different – this was the “big, scary city” and crowds of STRANGERS (oh my!).
I knew my daughter wasn’t afraid (though I also know that she is not reckless when it comes to adults approaching her – part of what she is learning in self defense in Taekwon Do) and I wasn’t afraid either.
The nagging anxiety is hard to overcome, but as we continue to let our kids do more, hopefully that will become easier as well.
Thanks Lenore!
Keep up the fight for our kids and their childhoods.
For those that believe in Free Range Kids and the fact that the people are being misguided by the media, please visit http://www.lewrockwell.com (LRC). A place that helps to develope Free Range Adults.
Lenore is a God send, just like the columnists at http://www.lewrockwell.com.
LRC: The life it saves could be your own.
I am all for free range kids, but am scared to death about local government child protective services. This is by far the biggest risk to your children, getting reported to and investigated by CPS, and/or having your children abducted by CPS and taken into their custody. How can one free range a child in a California city without risking CPS involvement?
Yam Erez
Thank you for your comment. I would love to bike and I would teach my daughter how to do it, but there are major thoroughfares all around us and of course, there are no sidewalks. How does one drive on the road without sidewalks? Do you just drive on the road itself facing traffic? What are the proper ways of doing it? To be honest, I will be very nervous to let my daughter drive on the road with lots of traffic and no sidewalks or bike lanes. When or when, would they start building sidewalks?
I was raised in the country, with forest and farms in which to roam. My brother and I spent entire days in the woods and fields hunting rodents, building “forts”, climbing trees, playing in barns, et cetera.
I broke an arm and a collar bone before I was 14. I frequently came home bleeding, and always dirty and smelly.
I had a pal who lived in the city and some weekends I’d go to his house. We roamed the city streets, parks and playgrounds at will. We went to the local movie house for the Saturday matinees, we thumbed through Mad Magazine in the drug store, and we frequently came home bleeding and always dirty!
We were permitted to be boys and thrived on it. There were very few casualties of a serious nature, but lots of stitches and broken bones.
It was a great childhood, long before the horrors of political “correctness” and the damned Nanny State. It was mildly dangerous, but liberty always is. I nearly lost my life on several occasions and so did all my friends. Life is inherently unsafe.
I had more freedom as a child than as an adult today. Nobody asked us for “I.D.” or harassed us at airports. Now the whole populace is monitored, hectored, and harassed by the minions of the State.
And the worst of it all is that children are now “protected” from childhood. It’s time for a revolution.
In response to my post yesterday, Lenore Skenazy kindly responded to me writing that she, in truth, is not sure about how one can free-range a child in a California city without risking state government child-protective services becoming involved. I believe this is of the utmost concern to any parents who want to “free-range” their kids. You are risking having your children abducted from you by the government, losing custody for “emergency” reasons in a kangaroo family “court” system that grants CPS “emergency” custody more than 99% of the time, without your having any real chance to say anything on your behalf during this first “hearing”, having to spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees to fight this in family court, have a court-ordered restraining order against you seeing your child, having your other children likewise taken away from you in the same hearing, and quite possibly not regaining custody of your kids for months, more than a year, or forever losing them and having them adopted out.
You must research the dangers of CPS and the government, and the corruption of the CPS system by federal incentive money to states, and publicize this on your site if you are to give your readers a full realization of what they are risking. One good article to read on the Internet for beginners is
http://www.massnews.com/past_issues/2000/5_May/mayds4.htm
But there is a lot more information on the Internet. You can also Google “Fight CPS.”
The greatest danger to your children by far in today’s society is CPS, the police, and the family “court” system.
I’ve always told anyone who’ll listen that my approach to parenting has been one of benign neglect – make sure they know you love them but let them get on with things and experience the world. It’s through taking risks that children learn their capabilities, limits and strengths! I love that you’ve put this out there as i’ve been very concerned for years about the tendency to cotton wool kids in ways that prevent them from discovering things about the world and themselves. I live in a very quiet street surrounded by dead ends and a park and I NEVER see kids on the street – even though I KNOW that there are kids in almost every house! Where are they? When I was a kid I spent every afternoon roaming the streets with my neighbours and LOVING it! I would also roam the golf-course and other strange bits of nature/vacant lots in my ‘close to the city’ suburb. I really wonder about kids’ development in this very cloistered, very indoor oriented world they now inhabit. Thanks for your website and blogs.
or we could work to change the laws so that not having an adult within five feet doesn’t mean criminal charges.
In response to Laural, I believe that all parents who strongly believe that free-ranging kids should be re-legalized should learn about the corrupt CPS laws and CPS/family court system which threatens such parents with loss of custody of their children, and then spread the word to as many citizens as possible to try to fight this organized crime system called “child protective” services/family “courts”.
The person Jeff above sounds a little crazy. Some CPS horror stories have happened, yes, but I doubt it’s the norm. Let’s apply Lenore’s principles a little more widely, folks! Every crazy, hypothetical risk is not worth worrying about.
The chances of your kids being taken away by CPS for doing anything suggested on Free-Range Kids are remote. Nothing on this blog is really *that* radical, even in the eyes of CPS. And it gets less radical every day thanks to Lenore’s tireless efforts.
Of course, even a single case of CPS separating kids from good, loving parents is an outrage and I agree that we should fight to make sure that never happens.
Just don’t replace the stranger danger bugbear with the CPS bugbear, delicious as that irony is.
Inclined to agree with Daniel Reeves. Sensationalizing the CPS is the other side of the coin of sensationalizing abductions and sex offender registries. Let’s regain our balance, folks. No need for paranoia.
Dear Daniel and Yam,
CPS horror stories are NOT out of the norm. They have personally occurred to someone in my family. In addition, research shows that they occur every day across America to families who have not abused their children in any way. Here in California, all it takes for a social worker to legally take your children away WITHOUT a warrant and WITHOUT a court order is not evidence of abuse, not evidence of neglect, but simply the CPS worker’s subjective opinion that there is a “RISK” of future abuse or neglect. That “risk” is not defined, so the risk could theoretically be as low as one in a thousand or one in a million, and the CPS worker can still legally abduct your children away to a foster home, and they I believe then can hold your children for as long as 21 days as an “emergency” measure before they need to even bring the issue to a judge in court. This first hearing is 5 minutes long and you do not have an opportunity at this first hearing to present evidence to fight against this “emergency” loss of custody. 99% of the time the judge rubber-stamps and supports the “emergency” custody removal at this first hearing, and all of a sudden you have lost custody of your children, at least for the time being, and typically have to spend tens of hundreds of thousands of dollars if you want to hire your own private lawyer to fight this. You will be lucky if you get custody back within a few months and risk losing custody completely and never seeing your kids again. This is not paranoia. This is happening every day throughout the country. If you want to bury your head in the sand and refuse to investigate the facts, then don’t go calling me “crazy” or talk about my “paranoia” and “sensationalism.” Look at your state laws. What is the law in your state that says the minimum age before you are legally allowed to leave your child or children alone unattended in your home? In California the age is 12. In Illinois the age is 14. You can guarantee that if it is against the law to leave them unattended in your own home, it is also against the law to leave them unattended in public. All it takes is one “concerned” person in the public to bring a police officer to the scene and your child will be likely taken in by the officer and handed directly over to CPS as a routine policy. Or if they know who you are, they can anonymously call CPS and CPS is authorized to do a full investigation. Routinely this can involve legal or illegal entrance into your home without a warrant, and removal of your children at that time. It has happened to my family. You call this “paranoia” and “sensationalism” – look at the facts. CPS horror stories occur multiple times every day around the country. Just Google “CPS horror story” and you will see thousands of stories of kids being ripped apart from their parents for trivial reasons.
Just one example, Google “Hard Lemonade, Hard Price and read this story from Detroit Free Press.
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080428/COL04/804280375/&imw=Y
Read about the inner workings of CPS and the nightmare it is has been increasingly causing since the late 1970’s by buying a used copy of this out of print book on Amazon:
Out of Control: Who’s Watching Our Child Protection Agencies?
So please do some reading and then post some FACTS here, rather than complaining that I am “paranoid” and “sensationalist.”
Please answer this question. The author of this website emailed me and she said she honestly did not know the answer. The question is: “How one can free-range a child in a California city without risking state government child-protective services becoming involved?”
All right.
Jeff has posed a challenge (although, Jeff, I realize there are many, many posts on this site, making it hard to read them all, but there are many personal stories where CPS showed up, said everything was fine but they were obligated to stop by, and left WITHOUT taking a child. )
SO. What is the answer to the question? How can we turn the tide, make a change, fight for laws that protect US as intelligent parents rather than the obviously incompetent fools that many would believe us to be for taking minor, highly unlikely to be dangerous, risks?
Laurel wrote:
SO. What is the answer to the question? How can we turn the tide, make a change, fight for laws that protect US as intelligent parents rather than the obviously incompetent fools that many would believe us to be for taking minor, highly unlikely to be dangerous, risks?
I suggest that as a first step, educate yourself about the abuses of the CPS system. You mention that this site alone has several posts about personal stories of people being confronted by CPS agents. Do people realize that when CPS shows up at your door, you are at RISK of losing yours kids??? I suggest that people read as much as they can about CPS abuse. The book I mentioned is a good start, but you can research for free on the Internet by Googling: “CPS nightmare” and/or “Fight CPS.”
The next step is educating others. Start off by educating your own children. Then educate your family and friends. If you want to influence more, educate through media such as website posting, or better yet, call in to talk radio to discuss the problem.
A further step would be to organize. Fight CPS website might help you ways to organize. Starting or joining a Yahoo or Google email group or a local Meetup group would be further ways.
Until a large number of people are educated about the abusive CPS system, the system will continue to violate the safety and integrity of the family.
I refuse to answer the call to demonize CPS. Part of the argument against parental paranoia is that, statistically, children face their greatest risk from their family members.
CPS cannot protect them all because it is woefully underfunded and understaffed and sadly, yes, in some states–again due to budgets–under-trained.
Yes, there are some wrongs. No system is perfect, and no group of many, many people will be pure. We need to prosecute wrongdoing by CPS workers. But we need to support and protect the vast majority of them, who are working with impossibly huge caseloads and underfunded resources.
CPS departments are often between the proverbial rock and hard place. When they follow up on the leads they get, they are accused by some of wrongly removing children from their homes. Other times, when children are not removed and are later hurt or killed, the whole community rises up against CPS and blames it.
And, no, I am not a CPS worker, nor is anyone in my family. But I sympathize with them and do not believe, except in rare cases, that they are the enemy of free-ranging. CPS merely reflects the standards of the larger society, something we’re all trying to improve.
Not only is CPS untrained, but also prosecuting attorneys lack training in this area. Yes, The system is stacked against Parents with the biggest losers being our children. My cousin was DA and has hair raising stories in which she had to stop the process of groundless cases. As a former teacher I saw the other side where students were put in horrible homes.
I was lucky the social worker had already decided the allegations were groundless before he got to my house. He was the only voice of reason and understood I have a young daughter with a fantastic imagination and an overzealous school counselor. So, Jeff yes. Trust no one. These half baked officials should not have carte blanche.
Dear Jabby,
You wrote, “I refuse to answer the call to demonize CPS. Part of the argument against parental paranoia is that, statistically, children face their greatest risk from their family members. ”
Jabby: The statistics I have seen show that children are more likely to be abused, harmed, or killed when in CPS custody than in the custody of their biological parents. Please show me any academic or scientific study that proves that the opposite is true. And also please watch this excellent video on YouTube called “Innocence Destroyed” which investigates the statistics of the deaths of over 1000 children per year in the custody of various states.
Innocence Destroyed
http://www.youtube.com/user/InnocenceDestroyed
Jabby said, “We need to prosecute wrongdoing by CPS workers.”
I say to Jabby, how can you do that when CPS workers are by statute immune from civil prosecution or liability by families wronged by them?
Jabby said:
“CPS merely reflects the standards of the larger society.”
I say to Jabby, is that so? Did any CPS rules or regulations get put to vote per referendum? No, they did not. Neither you nor I personally had any part in drafting or approving the rules and regulations that CPS works under. It is illegal to have a child in your home unsupervised under the age of 12 in Calif, and under age 14 in Illinois. Thus it is illegal to have your child unsupervised OUTSIDE of your home as well, which would obviously be less safe than inside your own home. Thus, your children can be taken away from you based on this law, and furthermore, you could face criminal penalties of felony child neglect. This is not the rule of “the larger society”, this is the rule of the state government legislatures, corrupt family “court” system, and corrupt “child protection” racket. It is a $12 billion plus business per year for the government to steal your children and put them in foster homes and up for adoption. Do some research on the topic. Let me know what you think of the free video Innocence Destroyed at http://www.youtube.com/user/InnocenceDestroyed
Re: Jeff Above: Right on, this is Big Brother. When we can no longer raise our own children, we are in big trouble as a nation.
Karen, did the social worker who believed you work for CPS? If so, it sounds like it was CPS who was the voice of reason in your scenario.
Jeff – Please give your citation for an age min of 12. I work as a contracted non-profit worker who on a weekly basis discusses CPS cases with our county’s CPS Hotline supervisor. Per this lady (who BTW nearly 100% of the time advocates for the parents to retain custody of their children) there is NO legal age in which it is illegal to leave a child home alone in CA. What matters is if the child has the maturity/ability to make decisions about safety and if there are provisions for the child to receive adult help if needed. If the child is distressed or upset by being left alone this could be counted as neglect because the child is not capable of handling the situation without being harmed (in this case emotionally).
Additionally, in CA and throughout the US you are statistically much more likely to have a child removed from your home if you are a person of color and/or poor. If you are upper-middle class and white then it’s highly unlikely. So, yes, one could argue (esp. in places other than in CA where there are less family-focussed laws on the books) that there needs to be more oversight of CPS.
CA Child Welfare Institutions Code mandates services to reunify parents and if that is not possible, to provide relatives who can care for the child. Additionally, most counties in CA have a Differential Response strategy in place to prevent removals and to get parents help in ensuring removals do not happen.
To Janis:
To Janis,
I have not conducted a thorough investigation of the laws regarding when it is legal to leave them alone unsupervised. Here is one citation I have found after a 30 second Google search, but I am sure there is more info to be found. If you have time, please do the research for us and post it here to share with us. Here is a source I found:
Parenting Magazine
http://www.parent.net/article/home-alone.shtml
Here are some things to consider when deciding if your child is old enough to be home alone without a sitter:
“Generally speaking, a child must be 12 years of age or older before you are legally permitted to leave him home alone for any period of time. In some states and municipalities this may be different, and before you even consider doing so, check with your local law enforcement agency to know the laws.”
Oregon:
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/135125
“At what age can a child be left home alone?
Legally at 10 years of age; however, you may want to consider ORS 163.545.
163.545 Child neglect in the second degree.
(1) A person having custody or control of a child under 10 years of age commits the crime of child neglect in the second degree if, with criminal negligence, the person leaves the child unattended in or at any place for such period of time as maybe likely to endanger the health or welfare of such child
(2) Child neglect in the second degree is a Class A misdemeanor.” City of Albany, Oregon Police FAQ
There are very few states in the U.S. with legal minimum ages for children home alone, but many state agencies have published guidelines. Georgia, Illiniois, Maryland and Oregon are a few of the states with specific ages specified in their laws.
12 years of age appears to be the most common recommendation. http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm provides a state by state comparison with references. This site also provides one guideline from a California agency representative who suggests that 8 year olds and over can be left at home for up to several hours (usually after school before a parent gets home from work).
Read more: When can a child stay home alone according to Oregon state law? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/135125#ixzz0xqhBkI1j
To Janis who states she work. as a contracted non-profit worker who on a weekly basis discusses CPS cases with our county’s CPS Hotline supervisor.
First of all Janis, you are making money off the taxpayer on CPS cases, so you have a vested financial interest in keeping the CPS system going. So does the CPS Hotline supervisor whom you consult with.
You state that CA Child Welfare Institutions Code mandates services to reunify parents. The questions I have are this:
1. If is is the CPS services that are mandated to “reunify” families, why is it that it is the same CPS services that are first mandated to separate families by forcibly removing children from them? This is like someone first breaking your legs, and then giving you crutches, and then explaining that they are “mandated” to help you with your legs, and that you should be grateful for their help in giving you crutches.
2. What makes you so sure that the CPS services and family courts always follow their own “mandates.”? Who holds them accountable to follow their own mandates?
3. What about the conflict of financial interest, in that states are given extra federal funding for each child they *separate* from their family and put into foster care, and bonus federal funding for each child they do not *reunify* but instead *terminate* parental rights and send to adoption? That is a perverse financial incentive. Also, every government bureaucracy has an incentive to get more “clients” so it can justify its existence and request for annual budget increases. CPS would have no justification for its existence if it did not separate children from their families, that is the mode in which they operate. They need a perpetual stream of new “clients” which they get by daily violation of Constitutional Rights such as warrantless searches of homes and seizures of children. It happened to me. Oh, by the way, the police and “case workers” lied like the devil in their police reports and case reports, and the petition they introduced in court was full of lies, distortions, and fabrications. Are they held accountable? Not at all! It would be like winning the lottery to try to win a lawsuit against the government, but you could never have even a CHANCE of suing an individual case worker or police who lied, as they are virtually immune from civil and criminal lawsuits by law. They can lie in their reports and in court, and get away with it. If you believe that CPS always works to “reunite families” then you also believe “I am from the government and I am here to help you” and you also believe that I have the Brooklyn Bridge to sell you.
Learn about the real CPS money trail at
http://www.massnews.com/past_issues/2000/5_May/mayds4.htm
More about the CPS organized crime racket at:
http://www.ripoffreport.com/child-protective-services/child-protective-ser/child-protective-services-viol-c7bf2.htm
http://www.familyrightsassociation.com/
Janis wrote:
“Additionally, in CA and throughout the US you are statistically much more likely to have a child removed from your home if you are a person of color and/or poor. If you are upper-middle class and white then it’s highly unlikely.”
That may be true, Janis. Certainly the prisons are disproportionally populated more by persons of color and/or the poor. And it appears that police brutality is disproportionally inflicted more upon minorities and/or the poor.
Nevertheless, middle class and white are not immune from CPS predators. I am middle class and white and I had my kids kidnapped by CPS predators for trivial reasons, my lawyer demonstrated that CPS did not follow their own laws and regulations, and of course the police lied in their report by omitting the fact that they entered my premises without a warrant by force and deception.
The government is out of control on this issue. Parents magazine says most commonly you must have your children supervised at age 12 or under by law. If you break the law, a policeman’s duty is to enforce it. Cases involving alleged “child neglect” are automatically referred to CPS. Your life will be hell if you get caught up in their web. Don’t tell me that CPS is not a risk to free-ranging kids and their families. CPS is the biggest risk that exists for good, loving, parents and their children.
I think Parents’ magazine is wrong by my research posted above, and that they are doing the typical fear-mongering that keeps people buying their magazine.
Jabby,
yes I was lucky. I still feel it could have gone the other way. We were lucky. It is because of the complete power of these people and their legal immunity that create these situations. Not to mention their lack of IQ. The social worker was open to seeing her fabrications. She gave him an earful and he got it. BUT we were lucky.
BEGIN QUOTES:
Alla Kournikova, mother of tennis star Anna Kournikova, was arrested and put in jail …charges of child neglect after leaving her 5-year-old son, Allen, home alone in her $2 million Palm Beach home for more than 50 minutes while she went to the bank and post office.
People Magazine
January 20, 2010
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20338027,00.html
From Orange County, CA family law offices website:
I have been asked many times by clients, at what age can I leave my child home alone? Frankly, there is no clear cut answer. Pursuant to In re Merrick V., 122 Cal.App.4th 235 (2004), the court stated that “. . .leaving a 12 year old home alone posed a substantial risk of harm.” Of course the facts and circumstances surrounding the Merrick case are different for everyone. But for purposes of defining an age of when you should not leave your child home alone, to be safe, anyone under 12 years or under should not be left home alone. Other factors such as the child’s maturity and responsibility level should also be considered.
Bottom line is that if you intend to leave your child home alone because you have to go to work early or you are working into the later hours of the night, please find alternatives so that the children are not left home alone by themselves for extended periods of time. Leaving children home unsupervised could cause a slew of problems for your divorce if your spouse discovers your inability to supervise and care for your children. Contact an Orange County divorce lawyer for any issues you may have on child custody and visitation.
http://www.orangecountydivorcelawyerblog.com/2010/01/in-california-at-what-age-are.html
END QUOTES
As I stated in an earlier post, I fully support free-ranging kids, but the biggest threat to free-ranging kids are nanny-state laws, police, a corrupt CPS/ family “court” system, and busybodies around your town who might report you or your child to such authorities. CPS is the greatest threat to the sanctity and integrity of loving families and their children, especially those who want to “free-range” their kids.
http://www.familyrightsassociation.com/
http://www.lewrockwell.com/roberts/roberts43.html
http://www.ripoffreport.com/child-protective-services/child-protective-ser/child-protective-services-viol-c7bf2.htm
A Prison State, If Not a Police State
by Paul Craig Roberts
Excerpted
http://www.lewrockwell.com/roberts/roberts43.html
….A variety of new police Gestapos have been created that help to keep the massive prison complex – our own Gulag Archipelago – filled.
The most dangerous is Child Protective Services, created by Walter Mondale in response to his constituency of anti-family feminists and “child therapists” in need of employment. CPS was set up on the insane assumption that a large percentage of families committed “child abuse.” CPS offices are everywhere, and employees outnumber child abusers…..
The latest report from Child Protective Services Watch documents that children placed in our “child protection system” are 5 times more likely to die from physical abuse and 11 times more likely to be sexually abused than they would be from remaining in the homes from which they are removed!
Mondale and his “child advocates” got their Gestapo legislation passed in 1974. A quarter century later there are 500,000 US kids in the “child protection system.” Soon there will be one million because of the perverse incentive that funds the system. The federal government pays state and country child welfare services a bounty for each child seized from a family. Linda Wallace Pate, a California attorney specialized in foster cases, calls it a “kids for cash” system.
The evidence is overwhelming that children are extremely traumatized by being ripped from families and placed in foster care….
Child abuse is rare in two-parent families, so CPS has expanded abuse to cover spanking – even playground bruises are grounds for seizing children – and shouting (“verbal abuse”).
[What he does not mention in his article is the other excuse CPS has for taking your kids: so-called “neglect” or even the mere “risk of neglect.”]
The war on crime has turned even parenting into a dangerous occupation.
FYI: To support his claim that CPS is evil, Jeff cites Lew Rockwell’s website. Head’s up, folks: Rockwell and his followers are very hard-core libertarians who believe that ALL government is evil.
Laura L. wrote “I think Parents’ magazine is wrong [about state/local laws criminalizing leaving your kid(s) alone in the house at certain ages such as 12 y.o.] by my research posted above, and that they are doing the typical fear-mongering that keeps people buying their magazine.”
To Laura L., what research are you referring to? I looked at your many previous posts and did not spot it. My research shows that people have been arrested and sent to jail in California for leaving their child alone in the home for less than an hour, and that a family attorney in California recommends you not leave your child under age 12 alone in home or else risking custody should the facts ever be brought to family court (by, for example, a CPS investigation). Please show me the research you tell me about which disputes these items I have cited in other posts I submitted today above this one.
To Jackie L., are there any things mentioned in Paul Craig Robert’s article that you disagree with, and if so, what are your reasons? Also, which if any other things that I have posted do you disagree with, and why? If the most intelligent thing you can do is make a generalization about a website on the Internet that an article I cited is published on, you are making logical fallacy, called the “association fallacy.” Wikipedia explains this common logical fallacy here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Association_fallacy
As Wikipedia explains, association fallacies are a special case of red herring, and can be based on an appeal to emotion.
To Jackie J:
You falsely accuse me of describing CPS as “evil.” I did a word search on this web page, and although many other people have used the word “evil” in their posts, I never did.
You are invoking the logical fallacy called the “straw-man fallacy” by falsely accusing me of claiming that CPS is “evil.”
I have described the CPS/ family “court” system as “organized crime’ and “corrupt” but not “evil.” I have documented facts and links which document how CPS and police routinely violate in an organized fashion the Constitution and Bill of Rights (e.g. 4th Amendment) through warrantless searches and seizures of children (and then commit perjury in court and lie or make distortions in their written reports to cover up their criminal violations). I have also described how federal funds and other taxpayer moneys serve to create perverse incentives for corruption in this system, so if you disagree with these assertions, let me know exactly why and what facts you have to back it up with.
Otherwise, you are not stating anything of logic or intelligence, simply spouting logical fallacies of guilt by association and straw-man fallacies.
OK Jeff. I provided link that showed what the GUIDELINES for each state were. I’m done researching at YOUR behest.
You’ve taken over Lenore’s post and angering people so maybe it would be best if you find somewhere else to make your claims. I, for one, will no longer be responding to your anger.
Jackie J, thank goodness for your antidote to Jeff’s air raid on CPS. I knew I smelled an anti-Democrat bias when he started in on Walter Mondale. Ditto for whenever I hear “nanny state”. Jeff, I find it hard to take seriously whatever you’re warning us against, be it CPS or dioxins “leaching” from plastic bottles. Examples typical of the Urban Legend / hysterical writing style we should all watch out for:
1. Use of “personally”, i.e., “They have personally occurred to someone in my family.”
2. Multiple references, i., e., “every day across America”; “every day throughout the country”; “multiple times every day around the country”.
3. Hyperbolic language, i.e., “tens of hundreds of thousands of dollars” – What’s wrong with “hundreds of thousands of dollars”?; “thousands of stories of kids being ripped apart from their parents” – how about just “ripped from their parents”?; “when CPS shows up at your door, you are at RISK of losing yours kids???” – use of all caps and multiple punctuation indicates alarmism in writing.; “the abusive CPS system” – turning things on their head; “$12 billion plus business per year” – Hmmm. So it might be $12 billion + $100,000? Like “$12 billion” isn’t a large enough sum to impress us?
4. Populist language, i.e., « your own private lawyer » – what’s wrong with “a lawyer at your own expense”?; “as a routine policy” – how about “as per policy”?; “federal funds and other taxpayer monies” [learn to spell]; “criminal penalties of felony child neglect” – how about just “criminal charges of child neglect”? “government to steal your children”; “kidnapped by CPS predators”; “police Gestapos have been created that help to keep the massive prison complex – our own Gulag Archipelago”; “Gestapo legislation” – We can argue all day about this, but I call fearmongering language.
5. Faulty reasoning, i.e., “You can guarantee that if it is against the law to leave them unattended in your own home, it is also against the law to leave them unattended in public” – Well, you might be able to guarantee it, but I doubt it. What about the roller rinks, skateboard parks, and public pools, not to mention malls, full of 12-year-olds unaccompanied by adults? Does CPS stake out these establishments and periodically raid them for the Mondale-inspired “bounty”? ‘cause it sounds like it would be a profitable endeavor, based on your claims.
6. pseudo-authoritative language, i.e., “this can involve legal or illegal entrance into your home without a warrant, and removal of your children at that time.”; “commit perjury in court and lie” – redundant. The definition of “perjury” is “lying under oath”.
7. Citing Web searches as an authority, i.e., “Just Google ‘CPS horror story’” – So what? I’ll bet searching for “[anything] horror story” yields…well, horror stories. How about let’s start with “trick-or-treat horror story”? Or “reefer madness horror story”.
8. Incorrect statements, i.e., “OUTSIDE of your home…which would obviously be less safe than inside your own home.” – not necessarily true. Most accidents happen in and around the home.
9. “The police…entered my premises without a warrant by force and deception.” – OK, now you admit after two oblique references (“personally”; “my family”) that this happened to you. I’d like to know the entire story. The police, from what I understand, in most locales, are busy professionals. They don’t randomly enter premises “by force and deception” because the local coffee shop ran out of doughnuts and they had nothing else to do that day.
10. “anti-family feminists and ‘child therapists’” – This is where I stop taking you, or anyone else, seriously. You want government out of your family? I want government out of my womb and my reproductive system.
11. “I have described the CPS/ family ‘court’ system as ‘organized crime’ and ‘corrupt’, but not [as] ‘evil.’” – In my book, organized crime and corruption are manifestations of evil.
Dear Free Range Kids,
My husband and I took our 3 kids to a waterpark this weekend. My 6 year old, who was on the swim team this summer and loves the water, played independently most of the time- running around with various groups of similar-aged kids, mostly in the kiddie area, going down slides and splashing. The rest of us wanted to go to a different area, so we told her where we would be if she needed us, then left her to play. When we came back, she was gone- we found her about 15 minutes later- she had gotten tired of the slides and was floating in the lazy river.
I was proud that she was confident enough to roam free, and glad to test my desire to be a free-range parent instead of a anxiety-riddled helicopter. I asked her tonight what she would have done if she couldn’t find us or if she had some trouble swimming- “ask a lifeguard for help,” she said without hesitation. When I told my mom about it, though, she immediately jumped to child abductors and pedophiles, deriding the lack of supervision. She said, “you can’t tell me that your mind didn’t jump to the worst when you couldn’t find her.” I tried to reason with her, but got nowhere. I reminded her that we used to run around the neighborhood in a pack after dark, playing ghost-in-the-graveyard, when I was as young as 4, to no avail. I’m confident enough in my parenting skills to put up a good defense, but I wonder how other parents deal with grandparents who have bought into the fear. Thanks,
Sarah
@Sarah Fox, I hear that. My mother, who had no worries for us playing on a huge empty field and forest and lot and riding our bikes all over our little town, on a narrow road that had barely a shoulder, is now a panicked grandmother. “Times have changed!” She also used to work for the local PD the last few years, so of course saw the worst (because who calls the cops when everything is going just fine?)
It’s now become a “need to know” basis. She doesn’t need to know when I send my kids on the train to meet dad downtown. She doesn’t need to know where I let them ride their bikes. It’s actually none of her business.
I get the desire to share accomplishments, but she only replies with, “You won’t understand until you have grandchildren of your own!” She’s probably right, but until then? They’re my kids and if I’m going to be made to feel guilty and second-guess my parenting skills (who did I learn these from again?) then she just doesn’t need to know about our choices.
I am HUGELY in favor of letting kids roam. That’s how I grew up, and I am quite certain that it made a big – positive difference – in my life.
Besides, it was FUN, lots of fun. To deprive our children of this basic freedom will not not only harm them later on when they are adults (e.g., they won’t know how to gauge risks, make smart choices, or recover from bad choices, etc.), but it also harms them today – it’s simply boring and confining to be locked up in the house (or school) all day. Hence they turn to video games (which further harm them in all of the known ways).
My kids, now 11 and 8, have played outside in the street since I felt they had an excellent grasp of the realities of traffic. That took years of training on my part, but it was worth it. They now cross streets more carefully than most adults (seriously). They have walked 1 1/2 miles from our house to the library and summer school, and I am currently teaching them how to use the city bus.
Am I not worried that they will be abducted? Yes, I am at times (though not often). And when I am, I remind myself that my mind, like everyone else’s, is prone to focusing on the risks that are most publicized. And then I move on.
What I much more worried about, and for good reason, is that my kids will get injured in a car accident – as passengers. It has actually already happened once (to my son, then 2 years old), and is bound to happen again. But somehow, most people don’t seem worried about this risk at all. Because it no longer receives any media coverage. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of kids, are injured (and many are killed) on a daily basis, but it’s no longer newsworthy.
So, I am big fan of your movement, Lenore. Let’s hope it catches on.
For those of you who (still) think I (and Lenore) are lunatics, what we are saying is well supported by the latest science of child development. May I suggest that doubters read Stuart Brown’s book “Play”, Chris Mercogliano’s book “In Defense of Childhood”, and Richard Louv’s book “Last Child in the Woods.” Then, if you still disagree, come back here and explain which parts you disagree with and why.
I just read the whole thread about CPS.
Hmm, just yesterday I happened to read that Lee Stranahan’s (a writer for the Huffington Post who homeschools his kids) family (In New Mexico) had a run-in with CPS there. Someone had tipped off CPS making all kinds of wild allegations (e.g., there used to be three kids, but now there are only two). CPS came, interviewed the older kid on threat of calling the police if the Stranahans objected, and later still called the police. As it turned out, there was, of course, nothing wrong with that family at all. They are simply homeschoolers, something that the person who reported them apparently didn’t like or understand. And the CPS rep was apparently ever parent’s worst nightmare – low IQ, not listening, using threats, the whole bag of tricks. Quite scary, to tell you the truth.
Mind you that the Stranahans are not colored, they are white.
So, I have to agree with Jeff that, out of all the risks out there, CPS worries me the most too. There are just many more stories of unfounded CPS incidences than actual abductions/harm done by strangers. It’s something I will have to think about some more before I decide how to proceed. I am actually thinking of going down to CPS in my city, introduce myself and my family, and ask them what’s acceptable. The idea would to be prevent any problems down the line. But this assumes, of course, that these people have a brain, which they may not.
In any event, I feel you pain and anger, Jeff. Having your kids taken away by strangers for ANY period of time for no reason is simply one of the worst experiences a parent could ever have. I hope I never have to go through that.
So, thanks for raising the point. Your own and Lee’s stories – within jusy 2 days – have told me that CPS really is a major risk factor that we can’t just ignore.
Robert
I am just returning home from a trip to the principal’s office at my 9 year old son’s school. It seems my son has “bullied” a child. He called the boy “freckle face” and this made the boy feel very sad. I understand this… the real story is my son was being taunted by this boy. I know my son and know his heart. He would never go out of his way to make someone feel bad about them self. The boy was following my son around on the school playground and would pull on my son’s jersey. My son repeatedly asked the boy to leave him alone, but the boy did not respect his requests. Subsequently, hurtful words were said. My son stated he did not feel safe telling the adults that monitor the school yard during recess about the incident (s) because he thought the kid would retaliate in some way for telling on him. The boy is in 5th grade, my son in 4th.
My children attend an IB school (the same one that banned Tag because it is, according to administration, a form of bullying). Bullying is a BIG no no, and I agree! Knowing firsthand how destructive that can be to ones spirit. I also understand how later in life it can make you a more compassionate, empathetic adult. I was not necessarily bullied by my peers, but worse, by my own father! I have taught my children to be kind and caring and protective to kids who are being left out or being made fun of. My kids are wonderful kids! Not perfect, but who is?
My son was defending himself! Is this wrong? The principal made me feel as if my son had no right to defend himself! The mother of the other child assumed that my son initiated the whole incident. Well, her son is not perfect either! I believe that our sons could have probably resolved this at the lowest level, amongst themselves. BUT NO, the other mother wanted my son suspended! My guess, a helicopter mom! When parents intervene too soon it only teaches our children that they are not capable of standing on their own two feet. They do not allow their children to learn conflict resolution skills. My son had told me about this boy… my response, ignore the kid and if it gets too bad, tell an adult. I didn’t run to the principal and demand they suspend the other child!
Kelly, that is a rough spot you were put in. It is good that schools are finally noticing bullying and responding but it sounds like some schools are over responding. I also wonder if they are noticing and doing anything about girls bullying each other with verbal taunts and silent treatments. You might consider requesting that some form of solid guidelines be developed at your school so that the kids really understand what bullying is as opposed to just teasing. Although there is an elementary school here in San Francisco that doesn’t allow any teasing at all, which I think is going too far. The school might also identify for the kids an adult who they can talk to who might help the kids work things out. There are also lots of resources for teaching conflict resolution in creative ways to kids that the school might try.
I would be very interested in an article discussing how parents can best handle unsolicited paranoid advice from strangers. My child is now 18 months old. For his entire life all kinds of people, men and women, mostly older, have felt obliged to stop me on the street to comment on what I am doing wrong in their view. These are not crazy people, just average folks who, IMHO, have been brainwashed by hyped media reports about everything from child accidents to bird flu. Most common are the people who exclaim, “he should be wearing a hat/jacket/sweater!” — no matter what the weather and in spite of the fact that this child has not worn an unwanted hat or jacket for longer than 30 seconds ever since learning how to take them off. My favorites so far are the middle aged man who decided to try to lecture me on water borne illnesses (upon spying my child and I playing in rain puddles in the park) and the elderly woman who waited months until the next time she saw me to tell me how terribly upset she was that I let my baby crawl in the grass and didn’t I know HOW DANGEROUS that is! Then there are the folks who consider themselves experts on how to talk to a baby or what toys my child should not have because they are plastic/from the woods and therefore not clean/too advanced/not advanced enough/not recommended by someone I have never heard of… I can usually manage to find humor in all this but the sheer volume is weighing me down. Also, what response sets the best example of both (a) being firm with unsolicited and invasive remarks and (b) not getting overly annoyed about something that is beyond my control? My child rearing book suggests smiling and saying thank you. I am not inclined to set that example, particularly with the more overtly aggressive specimens. For the moment I have settled on, “thank you, but I am going to invite you not to say any more about that.” For the folks who begin with, “please don’t be offended” I am currently contemplating a cheerful, “now, why would I let someone offend me?” before sailing blithely on… But it would be helpful to know I am not alone in this and what has worked for others. I know people mean well, but there is such a thing as appropriate boundaries and making sure people respect them. It gets a bit confused too because if I were truly doing something dangerous – really, statistically provably dangerous-of course I would want people to interfere. How do I draw the line without going crazy and with both firmness and courtesy?
Therese, I have been in the same situation many times, and still am at times, though my kids are a bit older now (11 and 8).
The last instance I remember was a woman at the dentist’s office telling me in an admonishing tone that it wasn’t a good idea to let me 8-year old son run around barefoot because he might step on a piece of glass or what have you.
I usually just smile (as sincerely as possible), say thank you for the advice, and then move on and of course ignore it. As you said, these are usually older folks and there is no way they will ever understand how children (or really any people) work. So, there is no point in trying to explain, IMO.
But I also don’t get defensive with older folks, pretty much for the same reason. I just try to get away from them as quickly and politely possible. That has worked fine for me, and I don’t recall any cases where I got into an argument with anyone.
The thing is that where you at – your child is only 18 months-\, you may still feel less experienced and a bit more exposed to criticism. But it really sounds like you’re right on: playing in puddles is perfect, and not many kids get to do it anymore 🙂
So, just carry on and just ignore all the stupid comments the best you can. There unfortnately is no perfect way to deal with them.
Robert
Thanks for this Robert. That helps quite a lot. You are right on with your suggestion that I do feel a bit more exposed. I must confess that on occasion (especially at my most sleep deprived) I have wondered — am I really being careless in the decision that the “hat fight” is one not worth having, and that I am going to be aware of whether my child is feeling cold or not. Or, gosh, maybe there really ARE water borne diseases in the park that I should be worried about — how am I going to feel if my kid gets sick after all that! 😉 It takes some doing sometimes to hold onto a sense of equilibrium.
Part of it is I think that it is such a paradigm shift. As a professional childless woman, I suspect relatively few people felt inspired to advise me on my habits. I suppose it is a good thing that many people look at children as more of a community responsibility. And I suppose I cannot expect them all to be informed or correct (though I wish more of them agreed with me! 😉 ). Of course, I am not always going to be correct either, and sometimes again that seems to be about striking a balance that just was never a part of my previous life. If I messed up, I was the only one affected by the consequences, before.
All of this to say, thanks for the supportive words and encouragement. Perhaps that is what I was really after.
Therese, just use it as an opportunity to spread the Good Word:
“Oh, thank you so much but I actually totally disagree with that because blah blah. I’m actually part of a whole movement called Free-Range Kids that’s all about giving kids more freedom and accepting very small risks like this. Free-Range Kids — google it!”
I and for free range kids. Giving your kids some freedom will result in risk and possibly harm. Not giving them this kind of freedom will decrease the risk ot them physically by only a tiny margin, but it will definitely stunt their growth in every other way, set them back in life and on a macro-scale ruin our society, culture and eventually the world.
We have three kids now, one is 8 years, one 5 years and one is 6 days old. Live in a major city. We have pushed them to do adult things for a number of years and recently made a commitment to increase this. We sent the 8 year old to the grocery store for the first time about a month ago. It is only 4 or 5 blocks away, but its a big city and he has to cross one major street. He did great and gained lots of confidence through it. He takes mail to the post office for us regularly. They also play unsupervised in the alley behind our house almost every day in the summer.
We live only 1 block from the elementary school and NO ONE lets their kids walk to school below grade 5. It is crazy. We still haven’t let ours walk because my wife feels pressure from the rest of the moms not to do it. Most of them come by car, even though they all live within a few blocks.
You know, on second thought, I do NOT think that over-protectiveness makes your kids any safer. I think it puts them in greater danger. It has long been observed that in many physical situations it is those who lack fear, who have confidence, that are the least likely to die or be injured. A confident solider is much less likely to die in battle than the one who is afraid. A roofer who is not afraid of heights will probably never fall. The sailor who is too afraid to abandon a sinking ship will drown, etc. etc. Teaching children early to face the world head on and helping them to do it without fear will ultimately make them much safer.
To quote another reliable source, “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it. But whoever ‘loses’ his life, will save it.”
And
“Do NOT worry about your life.”
I am totally outraged at some local news I just heard. The broadness of this potential law appalls me. Any parent leaving a child UNDER 13 in a car unattended goes to jail for 7 years. This is insanity. Lenore, help! (I would have gone to jail long ago!) P.S. 12 -year olds are not “tots”.
From Philly.com
That’s why earlier yesterday they announced a plan that they hope will persuade parents to leave their tots at home: Making it a felony, punishable by up to seven years in jail, to leave a child younger than 13 in a car.
“This is a point of personal responsibility,” said state Sen. Robert “Tommy” Tomlinson, R-Bucks, who plans to introduce legislation stiffening penalties this month, along with state Rep. Gene DiGirolamo, R-Bucks, in the House. “This is a point of parenting. But also to get this message home, we need to increase the penalty . . . We need a big hammer, and a big hammer is seven years in jail.”
Wow! I raised my kids with what I feel is a reasonable amount of freedom. I didn’t think my kids were old enough to ride the metro (subway) alone until they were in the early teens. And then, I eased into it by letting them meet me at a specified stop. The same with the bus. But I did allow them to go to their friend’s homes and things like that on their bikes when they were quite young.
I have to say, that the thought of letting a child out of my sight in NYC scares the bejesus out of me. Being a Canadian my view of major U.S. cities tends to be shaped by Law & Order, CSI, Criminal Minds. . . the news etc. Even as an adult I’d be scared to stick my nose out the door without strapping on a bullet proof vest first.
Think you are being very sensible about these matters, Leonore.
Being european (dutch) these stories of hyperparenting just seem ludicrous to me.
Dick
I wish I had been raised free ranged. What parents don’t seem to realize is that when your parents are constantly hovering, it’s like being told No You Can’t every single day.
I am sixteen years old. I am sixteen years old, I don’t drink, I don’t even LIKE parties, and I have never even seen a real joint. I am a straight a student who is currently taking more college courses than a college freshman. I am also, apparently, too irresponsible to ride my bike to school. Or my best friends house (which is about halfway down my would-be bike route to school.)
I had this really odd realization the other day. I noticed that when I go bike riding with my dad, I tend to be less competent than when I go by myself. The days when I do my homework without being told are the days when no one is there to tell me to do it. When there is someone there to “hover” over me and make sure I’m okay, I become less capable. One time, while riding my bike, I went past the “boundary lines” for where I’m allowed to ride, and instead explored another part of my neighborhood (by the way, my neighborhoods definition of “youth crime spree” was when a kid spray painted a p***s on a fence two and a half years ago”). When I decided to head back, I was able to remember which streets I had taken without a problem. This took me completely by surprise.
I think what happens for a lot of kids is that when our parents keep denying us the chance to look after ourselves, we eventually stop trying, which our parents see and take as evidence that we’re not ready yet.
Anonymous (wish you had a name), you bring up an excellent point. Now I get why others are always telling me how competent, helpful, etc. my kids are, when I don’t see it when I’m with them.
dimasPlace, nice one, from one whose 14-year-old compatriot is now sailing around the world solo. Hear, hear!
By the way I would certainly recommend anyone interested in this topic to read “Your competent child” by Jesper Juul; a danish family therapist. It is full of practical wisdom concerning relational matters and childrearing. Possibly the most sensible book you may encounter on the subject.
And a must-have for you, Lenore; I dare promise you won’t be dissapointed.
http://www.jesperjuul.com/England_USA.asp
best regards, Dick
http://dimasplace.wordpress.com/
And another BTW for the entrepeneurs among you.
Anyone eager to team up with family-lab?
http://www.family-lab.com/frontpage.asp
best regards, Dick
http://dimasplace.wordpress.com/
Well not sure if this is the right place to post a question but why not. :p
My older kids were free range kids, and I love that name by the way. My third child has issues, PDD (autism spectrum) to be exact. With my older two I found that the more responsibility I gave them the more they could handle. They are amazing young adults now.
I don’t get the same from my Andy but he wants to learn responsibility so badly. I wonder at times if the issues are mine and not his at this point. He is 11 by the way.
Can someone point me in the right direction? I fear a witch hunt if I dare go to mainstream boards asking how I can let go a bit with an autistic child. Still he is amazing and I want him to have the same chances his older sibs had. More than that it holds back his younger sister because it is hard to let her do stuff when he can’t. I mean he can, I am just scared.
Thanks,
Jo
Lenore, At age 72, I am one of those walkers & bikers to school. There was another huge benefit to NEIGHBORHOOD SCHOOLS. They were also close enough that we could use the playgrounds & ballfields. Our schools were also convenient to parents attending events. The huge cost of bussing has not improved one aspect of learning.
Just Who’s Abusing Whom?
By: Annette M. Hall
Today in America, 935 children were forcibly removed from their home and entered the national foster care system. Admittedly, some of these children may actually be helped by the system on some level. What about those children who get caught in the web unjustifiably?
Did you know that 20% of all children in California are in foster care. I wanted to bring you the actual numbers, so you can see for yourself just how tragic the situation is. However the way the numbers are tabulated, showing exact numbers of children and families affected by current child welfare laws is nearly impossible.
Source:
http://kidjacked.com/fostercare/whos_abusing_whom.asp
To Laurel,
You claim “I provided link that showed what the GUIDELINES for each state were.”
I’m glad you did this research, yet I spent time searching this site for your link but have not been able to find it. I previously politely asked you to tell us where is your post that you say has the guidelines, yet you ignored my request and claimed that you provided the link. Please respond by telling us the date and time of this post you claim to have made, or else please repost it.
By “Laurel” I presume you mean me.
A simple Ctrl-F found my name, LauraL, quite easily.
#
LauraL, on August 28, 2010 at 6:41 am Said:
Oregon:
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/135125
“At what age can a child be left home alone?
Legally at 10 years of age; however, you may want to consider ORS 163.545.
163.545 Child neglect in the second degree.
(1) A person having custody or control of a child under 10 years of age commits the crime of child neglect in the second degree if, with criminal negligence, the person leaves the child unattended in or at any place for such period of time as maybe likely to endanger the health or welfare of such child
(2) Child neglect in the second degree is a Class A misdemeanor.” City of Albany, Oregon Police FAQ
There are very few states in the U.S. with legal minimum ages for children home alone, but many state agencies have published guidelines. Georgia, Illiniois, Maryland and Oregon are a few of the states with specific ages specified in their laws.
12 years of age appears to be the most common recommendation. http://www.latchkey-kids.com/latchkey-kids-age-limits.htm provides a state by state comparison with references. This site also provides one guideline from a California agency representative who suggests that 8 year olds and over can be left at home for up to several hours (usually after school before a parent gets home from work).
Read more: When can a child stay home alone according to Oregon state law? | Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/135125#ixzz0xqhBkI1j
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LauraL, on August 28, 2010 at 6:59 am Said:
I think Parents’ magazine is wrong by my research posted above, and that they are doing the typical fear-mongering that keeps people buying their magazine.
Jeff, on August 28, 2010 at 9:14 am Said:
Laura L. wrote “I think Parents’ magazine is wrong [about state/local laws criminalizing leaving your kid(s) alone in the house at certain ages such as 12 y.o.] by my research posted above, and that they are doing the typical fear-mongering that keeps people buying their magazine.”
To Laura L., what research are you referring to? I looked at your many previous posts and did not spot it. My research shows that people have been arrested and sent to jail in California for leaving their child alone in the home for less than an hour, and that a family attorney in California recommends you not leave your child under age 12 alone in home or else risking custody should the facts ever be brought to family court (by, for example, a CPS investigation). Please show me the research you tell me about which disputes these items I have cited in other posts I submitted today above this one.
LauraL, on August 28, 2010 at 10:14 am Said:
OK Jeff. I provided link that showed what the GUIDELINES for each state were. I’m done researching at YOUR behest.
You’ve taken over Lenore’s post and angering people so maybe it would be best if you find somewhere else to make your claims. I, for one, will no longer be responding to your anger.
**********************
Do NOT accuse me of ignoring you. YOU, sir, may leave now.
Jo,
What is your support at school like? I know our SPED department works very hard to move the kids towards independent living or as independent as possible. They might provide the 3rd party eye to help you decide how to foster your child’s independence as safely as possible.
Kimberly
Jeff, aren’t figures interesting? One site says 65,000 CA minors are in the foster care system. 65,000 x 5 = 325,000 minors.
Another site says half of CA minors (763,000) are uninsured. 763,000 x 2 = 1,526,000 minors.
Both sound quite low for a state whose population is 36,457,549, the percentage of whom is under 18 in 2009 was 25.5%. So that brings us to 9,114,387.
Hmmmm…
Yam, aren’t figures interesting. The sensible responses you have posed to my questions are zero, the number of sensible statements you have made are zero, the number of intelligent things you have said on this board are zero.
Jeff, what exactly do you want? I just joined yesterday and keep reading your posts. What can we as a community do to help you make peace with this issue?
Also I am a bit of a stat head and I have no idea what your statistics mean. They appear to be pulled from multiple sources and I am not sure what the multiplier is all about. Granted I am used to working with raw data so that may be where the issues lie. 😦
If 60,000 children are in foster care in California, and California has approx 10% of the population as a rough estimate, then there are approx. 500,000 or so children in the US in the foster care system. A half-million!!! So it is obvious that tens of thousands of children are being placed in foster care every year, more than a hundred a day.
There is big money to be made in the system, and the huge bureaucracy needs to keep the system going to keep their bureaucracy and justify their jobs. That is why in California all they need as an excuse to take your kids is not even “neglect” but a “risk of neglect.” With that excuse, they are more than happy to take your child into CPS custody, for an excuse as simple as letting a child ride the subway system alone unaccompanied.
CPS is the biggest threat to free-ranging parents. Not citizen strangers, not citizen perverts, not citizen thieves, not citizen kidnappers. The biggest threat is the government and its police/CPS/family “court” systems in particular. I would like to see anybody here try to dispute this last assertion with any logic or facts, because it cannot be done.
Jo, I simply want to alert free-ranging parents about the dangers of CPS and their related agencies of the government. I think it is irresponsible for people to advocate letting your children go out in the public unaccompanied, without first warning others of the risk you have of having a nightmare experience with the police/CPS and/or the family “courts.” This is simply information for you. If you think I am wrong, and you think that police/CPS/familiy courts are NOT the biggest risk to our children being free-ranged, please tell me why you think I am wrong, and tell me what is a bigger risk. When I was 6 years old or 7 I would ride the bike alone for a mile, Today it is a crime for parents to allow this and your child could be picked up by police and transferred automatically to CPS custody. I am simply trying to inform. I think that Lenore should be informing people of this issue on a special page on her site. If you repeat Lenore’s experiment, you might be in for the legal shock of your life. Personally, I am for free-ranging kids, but I think there are serious risks from our government.
PS Yam started with the sophisticated statistics, and frankly I think she is getting too infatuated with numbers. The fact is that children are taken forcibly from loving parents every day all over this country. She challenged me on this assertion, but has yet to say anything sensible to defend her challenge on this assertion. I have not talked a lot about complicated statistics. The bottom line: if you free range your kids unsupervised in public, you are risking involvement with CPS.
Jeff, I hear where you are coming from. When you generalize stats from one state across all of them it becomes flawed data. Not to mention that there is no way of knowing how many are not placed in foster care in error.
Now so far as protecting parents from losing their children it is a noble cause but it really does happen less than you would think. My ex has been hotlined at least eight times and they have not taken custody away from him nor had a hearing on the matter. They only proceed if there is proof of neglect.
Perhaps you are not taking into account what is neglect. It is not neglectful for me to leave my 10 year old at home alone if they have been taught the skills needed to do so in a safe manner. It is neglectful for me to leave my 14 year old home alone if they have not been taught the same skills.
I am sorry if I am not being helpful. I do believe that you have seen CPS go too far and perhaps that system is broken. Still fixing that system seems to be a better solution than overprotecting our children.
Love this blog! I have 2 daughters, the oldest turned 6 today and the youngest is almost 3. I have gotten a lot of flack and even some abuse from people because I let my 6 year old roam outside, within her boundaries. She knows where they are, and I can call her and be heard…but she’s not in my sight every second *GASP!*
We are riding the line between independence and caution, with a lean toward independence. She knows the boundaries and rules well, and has shown her competence by sticking to them. My confidence and pride in her grows, as does her confidence and pride in herself.
My almost three year old has much smaller boundaries, but they will grow as she does. I am thrilled to be raising confident, competent, free range kids. ❤
I HAD A DREAM
Not I have a dream. But I had a dream, a real and rather nasty dream, which I wouldn’t bother to tell the world about, except that I think it’s emblematic of the times.
After a week of twelve hour days (an very unusual thing for me as I work out of the home and am used to always being here) I took a morning nap after seeing the girls off to school. And I dreamed that I woke up and went up front to unload the dishwasher. I looked up from the dishwasher to see my youngest child reading in one of the family room chairs.
“Paula? Didn’t you go to school?”
She does not answer. She is busy reading and does not hear me. This is common. She is a bright, shy and very focused child. When she is engrossed, she does not hear.
She is eleven and is having her second day at middle school. She is excited about her new school. I am puzzled to see her home instead.
I step forward to get her attention and then I notice that a well dressed woman is sitting in the chair opposite her. In fact now that I pay attention the whole family room and living room are full of people. They are Paula’s new teachers. They have come to tell me that she is often lost in her thoughts and does not listen. They suggest that perhaps it is because we (mostly I) are bad parents. Perhaps she is autistic (a ridiculous as she is a very huggy kind of child) and that this is the fault of my husband and I.
Even in the dream I react the way I might, if it were real. I am outraged that they came into our home like this without an appointment at nine in the morning on the invitation of an eleven year old, or perhaps on no invitation at all. And can’t they see, I ask, that many many eleven-year-olds behave like this. I behaved like this when I was young. Paula is in tears. I am almost yelling but not quite yelling. They are crowding around us, speaking about what is best for “the child” as if she were not an individual, just the anonymous child. They are circling us, closing ranks.
And then the alarm rings and I wake up–shaking, scared, angry. I call my best friend and discover that she too has similar dreams, though in hers they take her child from school and call to tell her so. I settle down, called by shared experience. I call a couple other friends, now no longer shaken but in the mode of inquiry. Do you have dreams like this? They all do. Five friends, five affirmative answers.
It is like the school anxiety dreams about the test or class you forgot or can’t find, only it’s fear of losing the kids to the government. I know it’s pervasive beyond dreams. Parents worry and joke about losing the kids to social services for spanking them, for swearing in front of them, for being drunk in public, for being atheist, for being born again Christian, for not getting their vaccinations on time, for anything and everything. Obviously there is a problem, and it’s not the parents.
Fear makes is more difficult to parent well. We should worry we are not the very best parents. We should not worry continuously that the government might take our children.
Jo Wrote:
Fanstastic.
While one of the statistics asserted on one of the articles on one of the website I mentioned might be off, and I will admit that it is possible, there is a statistic I have heard that more than 500,000 children in America are currently in the foster care system. That number is not in itself a generalized statistic from one state across all of them. It is an astonishing number. But as I said, my main issue is not with statistical or numerical exactitude, my issue is partly that there is a huge multi-billion industry involved with CPS and its related entities, including family “courts”, police, foster care agencies, visitation centers, CPS related psychologists, medical examiners, drug testing centers, lawyers, judges, it is a multi-billion dollar industry and the part that I am talking about is contingent primarily upon the action of forcibly taking away children from their parents against both the parent’s will and the children’s will. Nitpicking about one or two statistics avoids addressing the big issues which I have discussed on this board.
It depends on your meaning of the word “error.” If “error” means violation of your 4th Amendment rights through illegal, warrantless entry of your home and /or seizure of your children, it appears to be a routine part of their system, not in any way out of the norm of their doing business. It apparently happens every day, and it happened to my family. If your meaning of “error” means there is no proven sexual or physical abuse, it happens all the time. All that needs to be alleged in California is “neglect” or even the very nebulous term “risk of neglect.” And it does not have to be proven. You are guilty until proven innocent, because they do not have to charge you with any crime in the family “courts”, all they have to do is show what is called “preponderance of evidence” at the first hearing, which lasts 5 minutes, and where you have no chance to say anything at all in your defense. The “evidence” are “caseworker notes” which can and often are and in my family’s case did include exaggerated claims, and false claims, either fabricated or imagined by the case worker who took the children away. This “kangaroo court” type of hearing, the first one, is AFTER they have taken your children away from you by force. In fact, if you do not hire your own lawyer, CPS has until 21 days in California to hold your child before they are even required to bring the issue to court. If you hire your own private lawyer, at $425 per hour, and your private lawyer is good and has the time, the lawyer can speed up the process so that you can get a hearing within 72 hours. If you do not have your own private lawyer, you will not be able to even speak with a court-appointed lawyer until the first hearing, which again is up to 21 days AFTER your children have been taken away from you by CPS and the police.
Jo wrote:
Well, Jo, I would like you then to cite a reliable source to show me exactly how often children are taken away from their parents against their wishes. How often do YOU think it occurs?
Jo wrote:
Lucky for you. The fact that you admit that someone in your family has been reported to CPS eight times confirms my assertion that it is not rare that a family gets involved with CPS. According to California CPS, every time there is a report made to CPS (often the reports are *anonymous*), CPS is obligated to make an investigation. So theoretically your ex has been investigated by CPS eight times, or at least has been at risk of an investigation by CPS eight times. Maybe CPS does not have the resources to make a thorough investigation of every complaint, but I can guarantee you that if you are under investigation by CPS, every family attorney that I know of would recommend you immediately seek legal counsel. Your are playing with fire when you are playing with CPS. Just because your ex was lucky enough not to have his kids taken away from him does not mean that it couldn’t have happened. There usually is no hearing unless they either took the kids away, or intend to take the kids away. In your case, you lucked out. However, all of the complaints, and all of the data CPS compiled is STILL in their system. It will NEVER be expunged, and if there is a 9th hotline complaint, alll of the other 8 previous complaints can be used against you in a family “court” proceeding.
Jo wrote:
That is a completely uninformed and wrong assertion of yours. Where in the heck did you ever come up with that assertion???? Read the California statutes, as well as the one in your state. In California, the CPS worker has the right to take your kids away from you WITHOUT due process, WITHOUT a warrant, WITHOUT permission from a judge, WITHOUT proof whatsoever of neglect, all she needs is a justification that in her opinion there is the so-called “risk of neglect.” And “neglect” has a very broad definition in California, as well as I am sure other states. Read the statues yourself to see how broad the definition is. No proof of neglect is needed. Nada. And the evidence of “risk of neglect” can be based on false, fabricated, or exaggerated statements written on either the caseworker’s notes (which you and your lawyer can never see), and/or the police reports. Oh, and sure, please tell me that police never lie or mislead on their police reports.
Jo wrote:
Jo, this is *not* an issue of what *I* consider neglect. I agree that free-ranging kids whom you have taught to be responsible is good for children. I support free-ranging kids. I am not calling these things neglect, I am talking about the risk of getting a CPS worker involved in your case who may not agree with you about your parenting actions, whether or not you believe there is no real neglect. Again, the CPS worker’s opinion is the driving force in what the law permits for them to seize your children from you. You might be able to argue all these issues to your CPS worker and/or the district attorney who is handling the legal aspects of taking your children away from you, but this is often AFTER you have lost custody to them on an “emergency” basis. By then they are already in state custody, you don’t know where they are, you only get limited visitation with them, and you have to prove to CPS, the court, the district attorney, and the attorney appointed by the court the represent the child(ren) who have been abducted from you, you have to prove it all to them. You had better get a lot of witnesses together. Even so, it will not be an easy fight. The CPS workers do not want to admit they have made a mistake. Nor do the police want to admit they violated your 4th amendment rights. They have every motivation to exaggerate or lie in court to make themselves look good once they have taken action against your family.
Jo wrote:
We are in agreement there.
Jo wrote:
1. I would like you to tell me who is going to fix the system and how. Are you going to help?
2. I do not advocate “overprotecting” children. I advocate protecting them from CPS. This starts by educating yourself about the CPS system, and then educating your children. You had better prepare them as to what to do if a policeman accosts them.
Jo, I put all of your comments to me in brackets, but it appears that everything I put in brackets was not posted. So you will have to go back to your previous post to see which comments of yours I was responding to.
Jenny wrote:
“Fear makes is more difficult to parent well. We should worry we are not the very best parents. We should not worry continuously that the government might take our children.”
I am not advocating irrational fear. I am advocating rational caution. The government can take your children if you leave them unaccompanied in public at certain age ranges. The government (CPS) forcibly takes children away every day from their parents. Check your local statutes. If you break the law, and your child gets taken from CPS, don’t blame me. I am simply warning you as to what CPS is capable of.
One law I have seen is Maryland:
http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/content/frs-safe/resources/parents/childcare.asp
Maryland Child Protective Services Procedures (SSA95-13) define an “unattended child” as:
A child under eight left alone or in the care of a person who is not reliable or who is under 13….
A child 12 or over who is left alone for long hours….
If you break these laws you risk losing your child, and even being charged with a crime after you lose the child. Even if you don’t break any law, you risk losing your child to CPS custody for trivial reasons.
e.g. “Hard Lemonade, Hard Price”
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080428/COL04/804280375/&imw=Y
After reading the book we’ve been practicing lately, and just now when we were making headway and giving our kids more space (partly because our eldes now has to bike 10 miles to school) THIS (http://nachrichten.t-online.de/fall-mirco-hose-von-mirco-gefunden/id_42812528/index) happens in our vilage. The place where they found the trowsers is round the corner! Now WHAT DO WE DO? I dont know anymore. Theoretical posibility just became fact.
Onno, I don’t read German. Can we get the idea of what this story is about?
A German friend translated for me:
In the case of the missing 10-year old Mirco they found the tracksuit pants of the boy on a parking lot between Grefrath and Hinsbeck. It was already found last Saturday, one day after the boy’s disappearance. The woman who found it took it with her but later, when she heard about the missing child, she brought it to the police. It’s possible that other items had been left behind on the same spot, so the police asks for witnesses and finders to come forward.
However, the police is rather pessimistic. They told the press to put one and one together. Mirco disappeared on Friday, not returning from a skater place. They are still looking for reliable witnesses to help with the investigation.
That’s so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry this happened! But…remember…if this were a common event, happened every day, then it wouldn’t be news.
I pray he is found. Teach your children well. Send them with a buddy.
I say good for you Lenore. I am the father of a 20 yr old daughter and my wife and I coddled her like she would break at any moment. The result is that she is a 20 yr. old who has grown up quite “safe” but unable to be alone. She is afraid of the world because we taught her, by OVERPROTECTING her, that the world was not a safe place. I went along with this idea in spite of the fact that I grew up in the city and was making trips to Fenway park with my older brother. He was my “protector”. I was 9 and he was 11! We took the subway everywhere. You are so correct that the world is a relatively safe place. While it is true that horrible things can, and will happen in the world, for the most part you can be pretty sure that your child will be safe. The media will try to make you believe otherwise.
I read this piece in the NYT today and immediately thought of your website. Our kids are being raised to fit in and not make waves and it’s stifling their creativity. We parents think we’re doing the right thing by pressuring them to follow the formula and get into the right schools, but then they’re lost when they graduate, especially in this recession where the formulas no longer work as expected. We are not only directing our children down the wrong path, we are taking away their resilience and creativity and consequently their ability to get along and succeed in a world that’s different from that they have been led to expect.
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2010/09/12/why-are-colleges-so-selective/the-perils-of-being-a-perfect-student
{Please see especially comment 4 – excellent description of how we are raising our children to be afraid.)
I am totally for this FreeRange kid stuff. I’m 18 now, but i started walking to school alone in the first grade. It was a couple blocks then, went up to 4 blocks by 6th grade, 8 or so for 7th and 8th. By 9th grade i was riding Santa Cruz city buses. By 11th grade i was biking 4 miles to school, 4 back home.
Maybe it was that my city is only about 50,000 people, most of them hippies, or that i was easing into it block by block at different developmental stages, but i believe this experience helped me become the highly independent person i am today. i haven’t received rides anywhere from my mother in a year at least.
May your son get the same good experience i have.
–Andy M
I have a different kind of free-range problem. I’ve taught middle school for 14 years, and while I only have observational evidence of 150 kids per year, I can say without a doubt that each class has become more and more helpless in school.
Questions I have been asked this week, the fourth week of 7th grade:
“What’s today’s date?”
“Do I need to turn my homework in?”
” Should I put my name on my paper?”
All of these things are solvable by simple observation–the date is on the board, there’s a basket for work due today, and yes, if you’d like a grade for it. But instead of thinking first, they blurt out the question as soon as it pops into their heads and expect someone to tell them what to do.
I give my kids analogies to solve every week, much like the ones that used to be on the SAT. They dutifully copy the problem, then sit passively, waiting for me to tell them the answer so they can write it down. Few of them are willing to think through a multi-step problem without multiple choice options.
It seems so many middle-schoolers simply want someone to tell them what to do and think, rather than use logic to work out a reasonable solution.
And then they don’t turn in their assignments, so what do we do? Administration is worried about failure rates, so we assign mandatory tutoring after school, we are told to accept work weeks and weeks late, and in doing so we inadvertently send kids the message that they don’t have to be responsible for anything, that the adults will do all the worrying for them.
We admire Harry Potter and Percy Jackson for their independent spirits–and their ability to fight the bad guys without their parents’ permission. But I think if Voldemort or Kronos were real-life enemies, our kids wouldn’t have the initiative or problem-solving skills (let alone parent permission) to save the world.
Two days ago my 4th grade son went and sold Entertainment books to our new neighbors (we just moved) for his school fundraiser. He also got to know them in the process. Now several of them say hi to him when they see him. He got huge confidence from it and was totally excited. He took the money to school and had more on the first day than anyone else in class.
His teacher told him he should never do that again because his neighbors might grab him, pull him into their house and do bad things to him. Great confidence building, community minded teacher. Unbelievable. I spent this morning trying to undo the damage and irrational fear she put into my son.
I have read this forum only for a few weeks, but it seems obvious that there are still a good number of parents around this country who raise – or would like to raise – freerange children.
While giving this issue the attention it deserves – for which Lenore deserves all of the credit at this point – is much needed, that’s of course just the beginning. Many of us who are supportive of the idea of allowing our children to roam (more) freely, still harbor fears, some more valid than others.
The main problem seems to be that despite the moral support provided by this site, each of us feels ultimately alone in this. Our friends and neighbors, school officials, even other family members, usually don’t subscribe to the freerange philosophy.
If and to the extent that our kids range freely, they do so on their own. They are not joined by their friends, and they tend to stand out as a result. My kids, for example, now 11 and 8, are just about the only kids that can be seen daily playing outside on and along our small street. When they walked 1 1/2 miles to the town center last year, they met with no other children along the way and they were questioned about the absence of a parent (in a nice way) by the merchant where they had gone to buy a birthday present for a friend.
This lone wolf status is more than just a psychological problem. It raises the risk of CPS/police/unwanted stranger involvement, and it makes children less likely to range freely even when allowed to do so by parents. It’s just no fun when your’e the only one. My own kids know by now that they are perfectly able to get around town by themselves, but they don’t use their freedom much because there is no one else to do it with and, yes, they feel a bit weird about it. And kids hate to feel outcast.
So, I wonder whether this site could somehow provide the starting point for LOCAL support groups. For in the end, freeranging takes place at the local level. We can talk about it here all we want, but unless people join forces at the local level and actually let their kids go out there together, little is likely to change.
To be sure, I am not suggesting anything extreme. I am, for example, not proposing that several families get together and encourage a group of 8-year olds to roam to far and distant places just to make a point. What I am suggesting, rather, is that making an effort to get our kids together and let them spent some time together exploring their immediate environs would be a logical next step in the right direction.
For example: Let’s say your family has kids similar in age to ours, and you live within easy driving distance from our house, we could conceivably meet face to face, get to know each other, and see whether our kids want to spend some time together. Sure, they don’t know each other and they have their friends from school or whatever. But chances are, these friends are not allowed to do anything outside without adult supervision. At least that’s exactly the situation we have.
I know, it’s a big country and what are the chances that any of us live within 1000 miles of each other? Then again, the Internet can be a powerful thing.
What do people think? Lenore?
Robert
When I was 2 my mother was out hanging laundry in the back yard. I was playing within her view when our next door neighbor called me over. I went over, with my mother’s knowledge and he molested me, in his yard. I don’t remember this experience. But it didn’t prevent my mother from allowing me to be a free range kid. Your children will never be 100% safe, no matter what you do. Let them be kids!
On a related note, one of my co-workers drives his son to the bus stop every morning and waits with him until the bus comes. He is worried about his son being kidnapped. They live in a nice quiet sub-division near an elementary school. Did I mention that the son is 15 years old, six feet tall and weighs over 200 pounds. This, to me, is insanity.
Free range is the way to go, what do they do if something happens to you and they have to count on themselves? My son is 4 years old and we travel around the world exstensively. Once in Dublin while signing the charge slip at the front desk he slipped out the front door they had propped open. After his wandering on the sidewalks of Dublin I knew he had to have more guided freedom. Now we practice at the airport what he would do if he lost me. He gets on one train car I another. I hang back and watch what he would do. People look at me as if I am crazy, but I want him to know how to think on his own. I let him play in our cul de sac by himself, after he tells me where he is going. I rode my bike from one side of the city to the other in the 6th grade even in the evening and I am still here. Let them have some freedom to be kids!
Isaac, how frustrating. I know, I’ve been through it too. People, accept that other adults will mess with your kids’ minds. When my oldest was 7, another mom informed me that my daughter and two other kids (her daughter and a third kid) were “down by the front gate building a fort. You’d better go check on her.” I nodded thinking, “No way. Are you crazy? She’s finally outdoors, playing wholesomely with other kids, and I’m supposed to follow her around??? No thanks!”
re Anonymous: Warning, I’m about to say something subversive: Being molested, while in no way desirable or excusable, is not necessarily traumatizing to a kid, unless we necessarily make it so. Any of you ever read My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday? It contains accounts by minors (now adults) who were taken advantage of at various ages by people known to them (relatives, older kids, teachers), and they actually had either pleasant or neutral memories thereof. Most never told anyone. They just accepted it and went on their way.
I’m not, repeat NOT advocating for sexually exploiting children. I am a big opponent of children’s images in advertising and have written many companies to protest their ads using children.
Neither am I advocating for auto accidents. But just as we ourselves can drive safely, use seatbelts, etc., there are still those other drivers on the road. There are collisions. Some end horribly, yes. But most don’t leave psychological scars. Again, people should drive safely, obviously. But collisions happen, and they’re not necessarily traumatic. That’s all I’m sayin’.
I’m an American expat living in a small city in Germany with an 11-year-ld son. I work on a US military installation in that city. My son and his German friends ride their bikes (on their own) to the military base to play because there is a huge playground, baseball field, basketball court, and soccer field. My son and his friends like to play baseball, soccer, and basketball. The German and American kids who are outside will form teams and have pickup baseball and soccer games. It’s refreshing to hear that some kids still know how to play, form teams, and make rules on their own. Since my son is totally bilingual, he’ll often serve as an interpreter between his German friends and the American kids.
One of the favorite games that the German and American boys play on the base is “Pine Cone Wars,” which is what the name implies. The boys gather up pine cones, form teams, and throw them at each other while hiding among the trees. They have their own rules, which seem to constantly change. My son has been playing this game since we moved here when he was 6. So far nobody has incurred any injuries worth mentioning from having pine cones thrown at them. Last weekend my son, some of his German friends, and some of the American kids on the base started playing Pine Cone Wars. One of the American boys, who was about my son’s age, told the others that they shouldn’t play Pine Cone Wars because it was dangerous and someone could get hurt. That kid obviously had a helicopter parent (or two). It’s not like the kids are lobbing pine cones at each other at 90 mph at point-blank range. My son thought that it was crazy that another boy would think that Pine Cone Wars was a dangerous game.
By the way, the German moms that I talk to think that US helicopter parents are crazy. Germans believe that kids should be independent at a fairly early age.
Sue,
I am an expat too, but in the UK. I find parents here in general are less prone to be “helicopter” parents, but there are still a few – fewer than in the US though.
There are always kids just out playing in our neighborhood which I think is fantastic. My son’s friend lives in our school cachment, but on a more upscale street (ours is probably middle class, but his is upper middle class) and no children play out there. No one just wanders, all of their playing is scheduled and with a parent watching at all times. I feel very good about my kids playing in the neighborhood with groups of kids. I feel they are learning essential lessons in living and getting along with other people that with constant adult supervision they would not get.
I grew up in Germany until I was college age and can only second what Sue said: German kids have much more freedom to play unsupervised and German parents (like my sister in Hamburg) think Americans are paranoid. From experience I can tell you much the same is true for the rest of Europe.
Frankly, I think, this is a big part of why Europeans in general enjoy more social, political and economic stability: They learn to think of their own early on and don’t blindly accept or do whatever their parents, friends, teachers or neighbors say or do. Here, in the so-called “country of the free”, most people learn to tow the line at an early age and they never really dare let go again, no matter how pointless and counterproductive their efforts. Sad.
Robert
Alright seriously folks sorry to be the bearer of bad news but even Europeans are subject to peer pressure. I have three good friends, two from England, one from Germany. They raise their kids exactly as they see the other kids being raised. Yeah they complain that this is not how they were raised but still they participate in the madness. So how about we don’t ascribe some special social prowess to the Europeans. They raise their kids the way they do in Europe because that is the social norm over there.
By the way Europe is an economic mess, don’t you read the news? The only thing they have going for them is they don’t have a daft president that thinks he can buy his way out of this mess. Speaking of the worthless leadership in this country is it surprising that the leadership reflects the idea that we must make everything equal? No one should have less just because they didn’t feel like going to college, they don’t feel like working 40 hours a week, they don’t feel like putting in the effort and getting raises. They do their best so they should have the same house I do even though I bust my butt to have what I do. They should have a nice car like mine because it makes them feel bad to have a beater.
Hum, where have I heard lets make it fair before…..
Fear is taking over our health care professionals as well it seems. I was shocked by a couple of the “concerns” my child’s pediatrician expressed, and after being in the room with us less than ten minutes.
A little back story on us: I’m a single, thirty year old, full time work at home mother. I also have my son full time as well. I’m a researcher for hire, and I’m constantly learning a little bit about everything. I’m both pro free-range, and a healthy skeptic. Every mother knows her child is special, and mine is too in some ways, but truthfully my son couldn’t be more normal. He’s developing physically and mentally at about the same rate as other kids his age. He’s extremely healthy. He’s only been sick twice in his life, and the last time was around two years ago. I spend 24/7/365 with this guy, and he is your typical two and a half year old boy in almost all aspects.
So, back to the amusing clinic visit. The first, and silliest, concern I was presented with was third-hand smoke. I don’t smoke, but several of my family members do (never around him). The doctor suggested I limit his exposure to them, especially after they have smoked. That’s just never going to happen. I’m not going to deny my son time with his family, because they have habits that are bad for *their* health. I did do the research on third-hand smoke, and the results are inconsistent and not very conclusive. That of course didn’t stop the press and anti-smoking campaigns from spreading it as gospel. On the scale of 1-10 of where we should place third-hand smoke as a reasonable concern for our children, I’d put it below 1. It took me by complete surprise that such a well-educated person would even bring that up as a chief concern, let alone suggest we should treat our family like they carry a plague.
The second issue was his speech. Like many other kids, he spent more time in his first two years focusing on his mobility. He is quite advanced physically, and does a lot of things you might not see a child do until they’re four or five. However, he didn’t start really trying to talk until about six months ago, which is fine. He’s a smart kid. I have no concerns about his mental capacity, and his language skills are now developing rapidly. A few years ago a doctor, just like the rest of us, would think a child saying “wock” instead of “rock” or “cruck” instead of “truck” was cute. Today it means they have a serious speech impediment that must be immediately corrected, or so I was told at our visit. Out came the brochure for the clinic’s speech pathology department’s classes and fees (which were ridiculous), and directly into the garbage it went. Going from barely speaking a word, to putting together a few full sentences in six months is remarkable progress. I don’t need a degree in early childhood development to tell me that, anymore than I need to waste a thousand dollars on therapy for a child who only needs time to develop. Shortly after this visit I learned that a friend of mine, who also has a young son with no discernible speech problem, had an almost identical experience at this clinic. It really made me wonder. What is happening? If two people from one small town are having the same issue at this clinic, then how many other people are going through the same thing? I’d really be interested to know if it’s just our neck of the woods, or a country-wide phenomenon. Have you, or do you know of anyone else that has had a similar experience?
greetings from austria!
saw you on TV, loved it, bought the book, read it and be happy now!
i´m mother of 3, aging 4,8,9.
when i saw you on tv, my husband and me where shocked by recognising that we are kind of helicpter-parents- not too much, but much enough.
i was so glad having your book, many thoughts i´ve had in a simmilar way, and it was so good to read “ok, you are not allone! it´s ok having your kids playing outside…”, and to breath a little easier, i´ll send them to a self-confitend course to give them good tools for handling situations, which hopefully wont come.
i have a “borrow-list” obout your book, so many friends of mine want to read it (sorry that those don´t want to buy it 😉 )
just wanted to say: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Amy, it would seem it’s a country-wide phenomenon. We went through exactly the same thing when my son (now 8) was two years old. He didn’t have as many words as the “expert” screening kids at his preschool felt he should have at that age, who promptly recommended speech therapy.
Like your son, our son was of course a perfectly bright kid, developing spendidly in all other ways, etc. But back then, we – unlike you – didn’t know as much about child development as we do today. So, we did the speech therapy thing for about a year, in part also because the State of California pays for speech therapy only until the age of 3 (talk about institutionalized paranoia). In other words, it was free at that point (and only at that point).
After speech therapy had gone on for quite a while, my clear sense was that, yes, he was making some progress with his speech – but nothing that I wouldn’t have expected to happen anyway over ONE YEAR’s time. Of course, small children’s speech will improve over long periods of time. Despite his progress, he was still a good bit “behind” his peers, though. So, there was certainly no miracle happening on account of speech therapy.
Finally, I decided to read up on the issue and finally came upon a little known, but powerful book called “The Einstein Syndrome” by Thomas Sowell. The author (who I unfortunately found out much later is politically ultra-conservative, to put it mildy) is not a speech development or even childhood expert, but rather one of our country’s most eminent and decorated historians.
When his own young son’s speeech development was very delayed (no talking until age 4 or so) and “experts” started to wave the autism flag, Sowell wrote a piece on his experience in a SF newspaper. He was surprised to receive tons of mail in response from a number of parents with exactly the same experience.
Sowell then proceeded to research the issue, in the course of which he hooked up with a speech researcher across the country. Long story short: They figured out that there are certain boys (but only a very small number of girls) whose speech development is delayed, sometimes significantly, BECAUSE they are extremely intelligent. They tend to excel in problem-solving (puzzles), math, or music, etc., at a very early age. Albert Einstein’s childhood apaprently fit this description, hence the catchy title of the book.
Now, that doesn’t mean I (or Sowell) thought that my (his) son was another Einstein. But the basic idea still holds. In some boys, not enough resources are allocated to that part of the brain that is responsible for speech development on the theory that that part is located adjacent, i.e., right next to, the part of the brain that is responsible for complex thought and problem-solving (I forget the technical terms, but if you are interested, buy the book, it’s all in there). The reason is that the human body, as it were, favors the problem-solving part of the brain over speech development because for some children (mostly boys) problem-solving and higher complex thought is simply more important than speaking – at that age. They are simply hardwired that way.
So, while my own son didn’t strike me as a genius at the time, he did fit the basic criteria set out by Sowell (as did relatives, including his parents). He was extremely good at puzzles and building very complex structures, he had an early and good command mathematical concepts, and he was generally a very thoughtful child.
The last straw was when my son, then 3, asked me one day in a sad voice:” What’s wrong with me?” I asked him what he meant, and he said he wanted to know why he had to go to speech therapy. Boy, I tell you, I was shocked. You see, he had actually sort of enjoyed going to the speech therapist because she was very nice and indulged his love for dinosaurs. But he had still come to figure out that there must be a reason other than playing with dinosaurs for going there twice a week. And he had correctly surmised that there must be something wrong with him – at age 3.
Needless to say, we never went back to speech therapy (which was also getting expensive as the State of CA was no longer footing the bill).
Today, my son’s speech is perfectly normal for his age. He’s of course only 8 and speech develops until age 11-12 or longer, but noone thinks he has any speech problem whatsoever. He also has had no problems making friends because of his perceived speech delay. In other words, everything is just fine with him. Well, almost, his love for dinosaurs has evolved into a love for reptiles and amphibians, and we now have several reptiles in our house and are quizzed regularly by him on Latin herp nomenclature 🙂
The larger point, I think, is that not just boys – but children in general – develop at different rates. This is true not just for speech, but all skills (walking, reading, writing, math, sharing, you name it). In our super-competitive society, we unfortunately don’t have the patience anymore to wait for nature to take its course. And our children pay a high price for it. But that’s a whole another topic.
Robert
Oh god, the 3rd-hand smoke thing. Understand, I’m militantly anti-tobacco, regularly lecture the young smokers I know, none of my family or friends smokes, BUT: How do we explain the fact that up until a generation ago, one could smoke everywhere: buses, restaurants, hospitals, schools — and here we are today in our smoke-free, sterile environment, and everyone and their mothers are either asthmatic, or allergic, or both!?
re the speech therapy, when our third and youngest was referred for psychotherapy because she had fears and sleep issues, after sending her two older sibs to therapies (art and music respectively) for minor issues (our middle one was quiet and wouldn’t look people straight in the eye — she’s now 18 and an honor student with a rich social life) — we said no thanks, we’ll wait it out. Today she’s 13 and living abroad for a semester. Still has fears? Yes. Copes with them? Yes. Did she need therapy? NO.
re the Einstein syndrome, the only thing that bothers me is the fact that it feeds into gender stereotypes. End of rant.
About the gender stereotype: I had much the same reaction as you, of course. But the scientific facts are what they are. They do not mean, however, that boys tend to be more intelligent than girls, only that some boys that are very intelligent also have delayed speech. Most girls of equal intelligence apparently speak just fine.
So, girls win – they are are smart and they don’t have to make grunting noises for the first 5 years of their lives 🙂
@Yam Erez There’s more asthma these days as we use tons of toxic chemicals to rid our environment of germs, unwanted but natural smells ( I’m allergic to many deodorants, air fresheners, and perfumes), and every little virus out there.
I suspect that I developed asthma and allergies as a teenager as I lived then with relatives who sterilized everything with chemical agents, and sprayed scents even when they smelled a little stink in the air.
I am one of those “ole’time parents”. We took our children out of the city and raised them in the ‘rural’ areas in northern Canada. Our children, walked 3 long blocks to school, that went through a wooded area with a creek in it. Most days they came home muddy, sometimes wet, and happy because of all the natural things they interacted with. Our children rode bikes, took walks, played with friends all without the now typical “helicopter Mom”. When we transfered to new communities, they would tour around on their bikes. I would ask that they return in 30 minutes to tell us of the areas they found etc. They found new friends, learnt about their new community and passed it along to us the parents. Our son is 29 and our daughter is 27 and they both call us from their new homes half way across the country to tell us that we raised them right. Most of the new friends they meet have never left home, and are afraid of everything the media and TV shows tell them to be afraid of. Children and young adults have become afraid to live and experience anything. They should little curiosity and a decided lack of ability in figuring out how things work and how to interact unless it is electronic or involves time in a bar/party environment. Shame of the fearmongers. Its like the terrorists have won, we are now a society that is just plan afraid. Long live FreeRangeLiving!
Do the younger people posting here understand the enormous social and legal changes that have taken place in the last 50 years? When I was a child mentally ill people were locked away. Public intoxication and vagrancy were crimes. The police routinely picked up men who “didn’t look like they belonged in the neighborhood” and dumped them at the edge of town. It was a shocking crime for men to have sex in public restrooms or the bushes in the park. Did you know that recently there was an uproar in Chicago because gay men complained that birdwatchers were interfering with their right to have sex in Lincoln Park? You may not approve of the practices of the past but they went a long way to keeping children safe. The civil liberties of 2010 are incompatible with the freedom and innocence we enjoyed in 1960. The priorities of society have changed. The guilty roam free and the innocent are locked up. Yes, people over-react but it is a fact that our neighborhoods have changed and the danger is out there. Would you let your kids go birdwatching in Lincoln Park?
Thanks for sharing, Robert. I had a feeling it wasn’t a purely local phenomena. However, I’m still unsure if it’s fueled by money, or fear, or perhaps a little of both. Upon further research, it seems Wisconsin has the same “free under 3” policy for speech therapy that California has. It is available only upon referral from certain health care systems though, and our clinic isn’t a part of it. Here’s my main problem with all of it: how would you know they really have a problem or just need time, even if you *were* an expert? Unless your child has a serious issue (autism, etc.), assuming they have a speech impediment at under 3 years of age is a little too soon in my opinion.
Wow Peg… just wow. “When I was a child mentally ill people were locked away.” Not everyone with a mental illness is a criminal. We have a group home just next door. They’re our neighbors, and we have nothing to fear from the residents. Public intoxication is still a crime, and there have always been homeless… we just treat them better now (more like the human beings they are). “The police routinely picked up men who “didn’t look like they belonged in the neighborhood” and dumped them at the edge of town.” That’s profiling of the worst kind, and goes directly against your anti-“The guilty roam free and the innocent are locked up.” credo. Your obvious homophobia is also shocking to say the least. I feel like I need a shower now to wash off the stupidity and intolerance of your post… with my gay partner. ;D
LMR, would you feel better if the couples getting it on in the bushes were straight? ’cause everyone knows that “gay” = “pedophile predator”, right?
re speech therapy, my mom’s a retired speech pathologist. She worked in public schools, which means speech therapy was free. Kids would get referred to her for assessment by parents or teachers. Is this not happening anymore? Have the experts decided that speech impediments should be picked up and treated before age three? ’cause either way, the state is / was paying…
Hi there! Not sure where to send a question, so I’m going to comment here to start. I’ve only just found this blog and have spent the last three days happily devouring the archives. Wonderful to find so many other people who have the same parenting philosophy I do (or at least plan to–we have a couple of weeks before we’re “actually” parents)
So, here’s my question. My mother raised me fairly free range. Sure, she was pretty strict about knowing where I was going and who I was with, but I was allowed to ride my bike pretty much all over our suburban neighborhood. I walked to school from second grade on (technically on the same block, but it was a decent length walk.) I trick-or-treated alone, was a latchkey kid, babysat when I was a young teenager, and had plenty of freedom.
Lately, though, she’s become so fearful. For example, a couple of months ago, I was out at dusk, putting up signs for our garage sale. It took about an hour longer than I thought. I was in our own suburban neighborhood, not more than three blocks away. I happened to have left my cell phone at home, but it literally didn’t occur to me that it mattered. When I got home, my mother was almost hysterical with worry.
I’m thirty-three and was six months pregnant at the time. She was visiting for the garage sale. My husband has lived in this neighborhood for six years and the worst crime that’s ever happened is that once someone stole a bike from our neighbor. Oh, yes, and I’M THIRTY THREE.
My husband and I fully intend to raise our son free-range; even before discovering this blog (and book!), we knew about Lenore (thank you, Penn & Teller!) and we’re against living in unnecessary fear anyway. So, my question is, how do you other free-range parents deal with grandparents (and other close relatives) who watch too much CSI and have forgotten that they let US do the things we now want our children to do?
Thanks! 😀
Kumquat,
Seriously you want to be called Kumquat? :p You will find as your child/children get older that even the most rational parent can be irrational. She may have seen something awful that happened to a pregnant woman on the news and just wanted to reach out to you. Then you didn’t answer, you always answer. What has happened to you!!!!
The best thing to do is to ask your mom why she has been so fearful lately. Be open to her reasons and understand that you are not in the same stage of life as her. Just as it is hard for a parent to remember why zits are the end of the world to their otherwise confident teenage daughter it is impossible for you to fully understand how she sees things because you haven’t walked that far in life. Just be open to it not being as irrational as it sounds.
Jo
Oh and if it really is everything she sees on TV try standard lecture #237, there is the same percentage of crazy and violent people now than there was a 100 years ago. The difference is we have the news focusing on the horrific because that gets the ratings. Back in the old days we saw the news that was important to our lives with our own two eyes, like the stolen bike, now we see what is important to ratings and nothing else. Of course the world looks dangerous.
Yam Erez,
At my school speech therapy is offered for children below kinder through 5th grade. They do not have to be students, but they do have to live in the district. Early intervention in speech problems can help prevent other language problems from developing. On the flip side a speech therapist might figure out that the problem with speech is a symptom of an LD so a short circuit in the brain.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m dysgraphic/dyslexic. I have several verbal “ticks”. I tend to flip flop compound words. For example as a child I would say belt-seat instead of seat-belt. The other tick comes from growing up around English speakers from several different dialects. Sometimes I’ll scramble the dialects/sentex, when I’m tired.
Definitely “For.” This is a breath of fresh air. Children today are suffering from this malaise disguised as “safety.” The sensationalist media broadcasts and bombards us with fear on such a continual basis, we’re afraid to step outside, much less let our kids do the same. Some would rather have their kids play violent, mind altering video games or watch disturbing cartoons for hours on end rather than encourage them to play and explore outside on their own. When I was a kid, I admittedly watched too much TV. Even then, I still played outside for hours on end, unsupervised. It’s essential for a child’s well being. Physical activity accompanied with the excitement of finding something new. And, as always, some unexpected accident may occur. Most of the time something they’ll recover from. This is called the school of hard knocks. Life isn’t fair and it isn’t guaranteed. Children have to learn this or they are not living as children for the present moment. Hiding them, protecting them from all the “dangers” as presented by the media actually imprisons them. Stops them from growing. Stops them from living. From being free and happy. Those parents who allow their children to play endless hours of video games without letting them roam outside should be arrested for neglect and abuse.
I live in a suburb adjacent to Detroit. Me and my kids, ages 10 and 8 frequently take the bus into downtown to enjoy the events, such as baseball and hockey games, that Detroit still has to offer. The bus takes us through undesirable neighborhoods, mainly poor, mainly black. I feel no fear for myself nor my kids. I’m hoping that my kids also won’t have fear of going into Detroit, nor fear of people of other color and circumstances. Granted, I probably wouldn’t let them take the bus themselves into Detroit, but I was thinking about letting them takethe bus elsewhere. I am still a little fearful of this, maybe instilled somewhat by what has completely overtaken some parents, which is worry if something might happen. Something just might happen. I have to learn to replace this fear with some faith that most likely, nothing will adversely happen. I myself have to “let go.” Every other time I’ve let my children go, such as bike ride themselves a few miles to their piano or martial arts lessons, nothing happened. They’re fine. Will they continue to be fine? Most likely. What if something happens? I can’t worry about it. The god damned news reports imply that something will happen, but I’m growing faith that nothing will happen. If I turn off the electronic lambasting and just go outside and explore a little bit myself, I can see that the world, be it in the city, suburb, country isn’t a horribly dangerous place. I’m more in horror of my kids growing fat and numb from watching too much TV or developing weird facial ticks from playing too much video. I encourage, lo, insist they go outside and play. Explore somewhere over there. Ride or walk to their friends.
Now, some areas, especially in newer subdivisions don’t quite have a suitable environment for random play and exploration. No empty fields or patch of woods nearby. The only way to get anywhere is to drive. Of course their parents or their friends’ parents would have to drive, thus supervised and under their wing. Part of the problem is the suburban sprawl as well as the fear mongering media that encapsulates our kids.
Another problem is litigation. When’s the last time you ran into an old fashioned see-saw on the play ground? Remember those? They don’t have them anymore. Some kids got hurt and eventually, lawsuits rained down upon the schools and townships to eliminate this “hazard.” Do lawyers want to keep the kids safe? No, they want to pad their wallets with frivolous law suits. Their greed, along with irrational fears within parents’ minds has steered our kids away from fun, adventuresome activities, to “safe,” boring, less active endeavors. We’ve litigated ourselves into an un-Godly regimented nightmare of worry, inactivity and fear and our kids suffer the most from it.
Litigation leads to politics. Lawyers become law makers and they carry the torch of profit-from-fear by instituting laws, codes and regulations that disallow parents and kids to maintain their own responsibility. Laws that not only inhibit our boundaries, but insist we be “safe” by buying insurance. Passing the buck to those who sell insurance, a nice return for lawyers and politicians, and less money for those who are worried, with a newly added fear, besides safety for their children, as to how they’re going to make ends meet?
Remember, life is not guaranteed. It’s not guaranteed by putting a fence along a lakeside park, disallowing dodge ball in gym class. By reducing our kid’s ability, neigh, right to freely explore and play on their own, we are drastically reducing their lives.
Kevin, your first paragraph reminded me of Monday, when I planned to find this store on Levinsky Street in Tel Aviv’s wholesale district, in the heart of the migrant neighborhood: refugees, asylum-seekers, and laborers from Sudan, Eritrea, and West Africa. The past few weeks I’ve read a few news items about migrants having committed violent crimes. I told myself that’s the ones the media tells you about; the rest of them just want to escape war, strife, poverty, and make a few shekels to send to their families. I got off the bus and walked the entire length of Levinsky. I was pleased to see (white) moms pushing babies in buggies, plus every other color human you could imagine. I did not get attacked, except for by the stifling heat. I found underwear for NIS 5.00 a pair, as opposed to NIS 40.00 at the (air-conditioned) mall. End of story. Not very newsworthy, is it?
lk – what a breath of fresh air. we are in danger of having a generation of kids basically incapable of initiative because of so much lifestyle manipulation. for goodness sake, we have a self preservation instinct, let it evolve naturally
Lenore, you are a breath of fresh air! Well done! Just saw you interviewed by Kerry O’Brien on ABC Australia. To think of the mischief that I got up to as a kid – and did it harm me – no! I’m a musician, It’s not uncommon for employers of musicians to insist that the musician have public liability insurance in order to sing songs to people… what!!! get real!!!
Our emperor(s), be they media, government, corporate, have no clothes.
Life is fun, it’s mostly safe, but only death is totally safe. (I think that’s a quotable quote – you can have it!)
I will be recommending you to all the mums I know.
John
What a blast of fresh air and pure COMMON SENSE!
As an Aussie child growing up on a hobby farm in the 60’s, I was blessed with loving parents who also followed Lenore’s philosophy. My siblings and I had a hatchet each, and knew how to use it to make our tree houses. We swung from rope in the hay barn, we knew how to light and manage fires, we made dams in the creek and learnt how to climb, and we walked to school from the age of 6. None of us broke any bones, although my overweight molly-coddled cousins broke bones even if they fell over (hmm.. now isn’t that interesting?). I remember asking my mother, “Can I jump off the shed roof?” (not a very high one, but…) and her wisest words to me were, “Ask your body if it can do that?” Children are not stupid, otherwise the human race would not have survived at all! If you ask a child to self- evaluate safety, mostly they will thoughtfully back off, and in my case, go and find a slightly lower object to practise jumping skills. We grew up with finely tuned physical skills which have helped us all in challenging situations – “adventure play” creates capable adults. I have applied this to my own children and I thank my parents to this day for their wisdom – it works.
At what age exactly is a child “ready” to extend themselves physically? The answer is, if they have never been challenged early on, they will continue to be a liability to themselves for the rest of their lives.
Obviously, special needs children require a customised approach, but for the majority, the philosophy holds individuals in very good stead.
Thankyou Lenore for being such a caring parent and refreshingly sensible person; I will be buying your book even though my children have grown up! I will also be giving a copy to any new parents in our circle of friends 🙂
Vanessa Clark – Tasmania, Aust
PS. Hope you have a fab time in our country!
Same here, Lenore. Just saw you on ABC Australia and can’t believe I haven’t heard from you earlier! I am in charge of the books at our local toy library and guess which one I am going to purchase and promote like mad next…
Cheers,
Antje
Vanessa, your story about jumping off the shed roof reminded me of when my kids were little and they’d ask me to lift them up to the monkey bars or a tree they wanted to climb. I’d tell them, “If you can’t get up on your own, you shouldn’t be up there.” And my kids were climbers!
When My eldest son was 10 a 12year old boy disappeared on his way to school not that far from where we lived. We moved to Australia, Perth another young boy [12 year old] disappeared in Rockingham. A year or two later a 14year old Jamie was tortured to death in Byford and worse the judge stated that ‘it could have been worse an gave a lightish sentence. A boy from my 3 sons school was grabbed waiting to be collected by his mum and thrown into a car . he was later released thank heavens. Now these were not crimes collated from around the world but around us. Byford and Rockingham are some 50 miles away. I can’t get over that especially Jamie. Now grown my boys can get counselling for having had an over protective mother but thank god they re alive.
I haven’t touched on what happens to our young people at train stations,or the little girl murdered in the toilet at a shopping centre or the attempted abductions that fail from a campsite.How can you ask us not to fear.?
http://www.secasa.com.au/index.php/survivors/10/383/10
Violence against children
Lenore. I just saw your interview on the 7.30 report here in Australia. You are a very smart person. What great insight and articulation you have. Take the free-range concept further. Moreover, take the need for the free-range concept further, which is to extend it to our own lives, as adults. What false-evidence do we have, in our adult years, ruling our lives? You were spot on in your interview, our fear is due to the media and I add our increasingly indoor lifestyles.
I am for x 4 for this! I had a fantastic childhood, very free-range: riding bikes along railtracks, walking the lengths of creeks, climbing trees to great heights! And I am strong, successful and determined in my adult life more due to this than any schooling.
Now my children are growing up in China, and I give them a lot of free-range. Occasionally this gives me anxiety, but they have mobile phones for gods sake! And I
want them to be able to think and problem-solve their way through situations at an early age, because thats what adult life is all about! My kids dont let me down, they know the boundaries and to call me if they feel the need to overstep them. They are smart, conscience, and fully aware of evils that lurk – but they have bloody good lungs, and can shout to the highest mountain!
I endorse your ideals; we should allow are children to fully embrace their worlds, and not capitulate to the random psychos out there. Yes they are are to be feared, but children need to know this, know how to deal with it, be safe in themself, and get on with childhood!
On a roll here.. god the fear the media put into our society! it would seem every time a child walks out the door they are hit by a car, kidnapped, or worse! I totall embrace our lives in 2010, but wonder about the loss of community ideals we had in the ’60’s and ’70s – you knew all the kids who lived around you, and your parents looked out for them as if their own. Thats what I do now – is that so hard?
I have a story to send but don’t really want to post it publicly. Is there a way to send you an email directly?
Definitely a supporter here with me!!!!
Hey great work, keep on!! I have a 16 year old and i have often had to fight for this similar way of thinking. Here in rural south Germany it was difficult to geet people to understand that my 3 year old can walk home from Kindy alone (around the corner) or home from school (10 minutes walk – and i always loved it when she took 30 to get home, there was always some great story)
My daughter isn’t quite as independent as i would like her to be coz her Grandma drives her everywhere coz she is obsessed with all sorts of horrors – and it is laziness on my daughters part – but she is clever and knows how to get from a to b when she has to – and she is not afraid of the world
Wishing all all the best
I heard your story on ABC radio this morning in Canberra and I was delighted to hear it. I think that as a society we have lost all perspective on these issues.
We are all happy to accept the risks associated with car travel so I figure that anything that has a lower risk associated with it is perfectly fine! However, I do cop the frowning looks when my children (who are under 10) walk to school ‘by themselves’.
Its no wonder we have a society of teenagers and young adults who are not prepared to take responsibility for anything. They have necver been given responsibility!
Keep up the good work!!!
I am a big supporter of free-range. I have 7 year old and 5 year old daughters in far-suburban Chicago. While camping, we had an unfortunate incident which started a firestorm, not among my family and friends, but among my in-laws. My 7 year old was running, tripped and stumbled into a fire pit. She received mainly 1st degree and some superficial 2nd degree burns on her hands. A first responder was tending to her within a couple of minutes of the incident, she was treated at the local emergency room, and the injury was completely healed in three days. Meanwhile, my husband’s 16 year old niece chose that time to tell us exactly how we were terrible parents for letting our young children play unsupervised (they weren’t, there were other adults around, but since they were not under our direct supervision, it didn’t count because they could have been molested or abducted). Her mother supported her argument, which boiled down to “parents who love their children do not “let” them get hurt”, and an argument about what preventable accidents are, which still doesn’t make sense to me. After all of this, I realize that I am blessed in my friends and my own family who supported me and my husband.
Hi Lenore…so many thanks for your very enlightening and brililantly articulated thougts on 7:30 Report last night. You hit the nail spot on…keep up the great work!
for, for, for & for even more.
Walked a mile to school parent free from age 5, played in parks, explored everything we could find, numerous trips to the ER room, so many great chilhood memories. 40 years later can still run 10 miles, am sure these facts are related.
PS; welcome to Australia
Saw the interview with Kerry O’Brien last night and loved it. I’ve now passed this website link on to other parents. Great to see so much support. Keep up the good work. (I’m finding that work places now have a similar ‘helicopter’ attitude. We have to inform employees about the dangers of doing stupid things…like crossing a busy road whilst not on a zebra crossing and talking on a cellphone. I mean…really!!!)
I was raised free-range. I am almost 49. I tried to raise my children somewhat free-range. My son especially has great memories of his explorations. My daughter, however, is a helicopter. It has only been within the past few weeks that my nearly 8 year old grandson has been permitted to play in his front yard. Sigh! Funny thing, he plays his X-Box online, worldwide!
In the summer, we were sent outside “until the streetlights come on.” The whole street played Army, with the upper half against the bottom half. I got a tetanus shot three summers in a row, because when something happened, we could never find my shot record. My worst injury happened when i was being “supervised” (i.e. both parents home): I electrocuted myself using household current to replicate an experiment I had seen in a class film on electricity.
This video http://youtu.be/k7E3xUV8qsg Im sure has been brought up on this site before. I just vcouldnt find a topic about it so hears mine. I seen this video on a local new broadcast and the story was teased like this “A story every parent needs to watch a dangerous new product that kids can get into”. Its actually comical to see how they try to scare people. The people who produced this video should be ashamed at thier dishonesty.
Hey Lenore
Fantastic to hear our concerns as new parents (to Max 7 months old) so well articulated. Its an act of trust in universe (as well as hard work and skills development) to bring up a child safely. What really scares us is this crazy society we live today!!!
Catherine and Alana
Just watched you on the 7.30pm Report, interviewed by Kerry O’Brien…
great….loved it.
As a parent of a 3 year old, we do try to bring him up with as much freedom as we can give him at this age….
I was brought up in England. We too played out until the streetlights came on…My parents never knew where we were….I made it to the age of 41 unscathed….
One thing I’ve noticed that really irritates me…I spend a lot of time in parks….There seems to be a ‘trend’ for the parent (seems to be a Dad thing) to play on the climbing frame/ slides/equiptment ALONGSIDE their kids.
Must admit, I don’t do this..
I let him go for it and sit and read my book…He makes friends, chats to all sorts.
More to the point I’m not directing his play…he makes up his own games…
Apart from the fact these grown ups look a little silly climbing all over the jungle Gyms!
Anyway…thats my 10 cents for what its worth…
Many Thanks and enjoy your time in Australia…
Louise
Thank you, PATRIOT, HEROINE MOTHER and G-d Bless.
Death of American Society and civilization as we know it.
Panem et Circuses. Bread and Circus. The end of the EMPIRE.
Congratulations, only ONE MOTHER to simply do the right thing.
Why is there crime or fear of crime?
1.)because OTHER CITIZENS don’t care
2.)police is still waging the war on DRUGS or Prohibition – wrong,
that was repealed
3.)mothers watch too much BOOB TUBE or television or been
dumbed down.
4.)Grandmothers and granda is on medications and ‘light sip of wine’
SHAME ON YOU GRANDMA!
5.)lack of study of martial arts – Cindy Wu, small and weak chinese
female in New York City. But she knows kung fu martial arts.
6.)lack of COURAGE and moral courage. Bravo! I directly blame
other AVERAGE MOTHERS – Yes, that includes you, the reader!
7.)I only tell the truth PUBLICLY in honor of my MOM – large family
in China. saved her brother on e time when young child.
large family means TWELVE CHILDREN.
most of them are FREE RANGE.
My mother knew she was NOT the oldest. Chinese family rank
from eldest son to youngest daughter. She knew there was NO
time to call Mom and Dad who were working.
NECESSITY is the MOTHER OF INVENTION.
8.)shame on you MEDIA and newspapers for portraying only
the WORST of the WORST criminals. Aren’t most people your
neighbors and generally honest?
The ULTIMATE SECRET to happiness. Avoid FACTORY food
-like McDonalds Hamburgers. Avoid FACTORY thinking.
Avoid FACTORY children – you can smell them a mile away.
EAT SEAWEED. Why seaweed? It is NOT FACTORY GMO
genetic modified corn. It is gentically diverse with trace minerals
from MOTHER SEA., It is ‘the children’ of MOTHER SEA.
It is the ultimate probiotic and fiber roughage.
it is cheap and tasty and becomes sweet after a while.
buy it at the ASIAN food store or Oriental food store or health store.
Mothers and WOMEN have no time for themselves. Teach the kids
to ‘fend for themselves’.
Of course, I will NOT pay for a HOUSEKEEPER. But an Expert
TEACHER housekeeper – YES! Train husband NOT to be slob.
see book from ‘exotic animal trainer.’
Obviously, having someone follow the young kid or talk to them on
cellphone may be required.
As an OLD adult, I still have a problem in cleaning. My MOM
trained her kids to clean by saving – the IMPORTANT guests and
your friends are coming.
YOUR NAME is on this card saying you are responsible for
the cleaning up THIS MESS. THE SHAME is upon you.
native New Yorker – highly educated. This WEBSITE is one of the
tests I give to prospective WIVES and girlfriends.
take the subway in New York City? Try riding your bicycle, while
carrying groceries.
Fair warning. Some children will NOT be successful and may
even die.
That is the balance of risk versus a CRIPPLED adult.
I’ve had a few CLOSE CALLS], a very few close calls.
THE PRICE of LIFE is a little RISK.
What will happen to China, with it’s one child policy? Too much
overparenting and babying their only child?
Feel sorry for them.
PS. As a good amateur chef and friends with restaurant owners,
LOOK CAREFULLY at the local chinese restaurants!
Even the children can set the table and COOK WELL.
remember, the chinese do NOT believe in ‘child labor’ but in
taking the child EVERYWHERE and teaching LIFE LESSONS.
I love asking questions of prospective girlfriends and WIVES
about cooking and how they prepare entire PARTIES and dinner
sit downs.
Most girls and ladies in AMERICA CANNOT COOK WELL.
Listen up MEN OF THE WORLD. most American girls and
LADIES CANNOT COOK WELL. A few can drink well and even
drink you under the table. But nourishing foods of WORLD WIDE
CUISINE (how do you make shrimp with lobster sauce?)
IS UNKNOWN TO THE AVERAGE AMERICAN woman single.
the TV reality show – Housewives of New Jersey show some do not
know how to cook.
As a man, that would be the SAME as
1.)do not know how to type fast – at least 40 wpm
2.)cannot handle business call and use the PBX at the office
3.)cannot do ADVANCED accounting or read engineering drawings.
4.)can’t get a good job or
5.)six pullups, 30 pushups and weight lifting as well as cardio and
yoga. suggested minimum even at AGE FIFTY.
Hey HUSBANDS – you can suggest it and encourage MOM.
ONLY MOM knows when the son or daughter is ready.
THE FINAL DECISON is the MOTHERS!
do NOT tresspass on her territory. Of course you can pay for
martial arts lessons, special personal coaching and take your
son and daughter ALONE without mom on the subway.
maybe you have friends at certain CHECKPOINTS actually
stand on the platform and wave to the child on the subway train.
ONLY MOM KNOWS when child is ready for the test.
Oh, the cr-p about FAT BULEMIA girls and teens on diets and fads?
1.)they were NOT taught how to cook by MOM.
2.)they don’t exercise – DAD did not require 20 pushups including
THE GIRLS.
3.)school teaches you little about life. Mark Twain – Never let
your schooling interfere with you education. note: I been to continuing
ed and graduate school – but to me that is only the beginning.
4.)other MOTHERS think this mother is STUPID and even criminal
She is only being honest. Don’t tell anyone even the grandparents.
JUST DO IT.
LIVE FREERANGE or DIE.
THE RITES of ADULT and life passage ARE DEMANDED from you.
I love the idea of free range kids. I have two children of my own and let my son walk up the road to his friends house crossing one street and let them both walk the dog around the block alone. They climb trees, have broken their arms on monkey bars at school, get dirty, talk to strangers and generally have a great time. If they are hungry, they know where the fridge is, if they are thursty, they can get themselves some water. Yes I do feed my kids and I do look after them and supervise but I don’t run after them and cater to their every whim. They are happy resillient social kids and I know they are this way because I love them but also teach them how to do things themselves and don’t wrap them up in cotton wool. Good on you for speaking up.
One of the best things I have ever done for my 9 year old son (education wise) , is provide him with a pile of 2 X 4’s, a hammer, nails, and a jig saw. Have at it son! Living in a rural area we are surrounded by wildlife, Coyotes,Rattle Snakes, Mountain Lions, you name it, my neighbor keeps her children locked away in fear of attack while my kids are out getting dirty, my neighbor hates me. 🙂 I am so impressed by my kids, every single day.
Bravo Lenora! I can’t believe I’ve heard you speak on the radio in two different cities in Australia within 7 days and both times been unable to come to your public talks, how frustrating for I would have stood and cheered and applauded you till I was sore and hoarse!
Your philosophy has brought voice to a feeling I’ve had inside for years, but been unable to articulate so clearly. As a father with a 4 year old daughter and 9 year old son, I’ve been torn for years between the “let them roam free” philosophy that harks back to my own childhood and the unreasonable anxiety that every parent feels they should have about “protecting their children”. Now, I’ve been unable to let go of one and joyfully embrace the other. Your calm voice of reason and self-evident logic empower us to stand up to the fear merchants who drive us towards our deepest darkest fears and let them override our own reason.
But you’ve made me realise why we do this. Because FEAR is the biggest industry in the world! Larger than arnaments, drugs, insurance, etc, all of which trade off FEAR. You couldn’t sell insurance, weapons or drugs to a person unless they were fearful of what might happen to them. And of course, the world’s biggest merchants of fear, those who ensure it is distributed to every corner of the globe are ironically your employers – the media!!!!
But thank you for giving voice to the milions who always knew it was OK to not be afraid for our kids, who knew deep down that it was better to let them roam free, who worried at night that all our worry about them was doing them harm, it was and it is!
More power to you and less to your detractors and naysayers! Let freedom reign!!!!!!
Thank you. I am so grateful. I found your book at the library and read it in the last 48 hours and feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I have two boys, 3.5 years old and 14 months old, and live on a five acre field an extremely quiet street in walking distance of a lovely small town. But I was born in Victoria, BC, in 1984. Have you heard of Michael Dunahee? He was born in Victoria, BC, in 1986 and was abducted from a playground in 1991 and never found. My mother was acquainted with his mother, and I think you can imagine how free my childhood was.
I’m finding it so hard trying to breathe amongst current hyper-protective parents when I don’t even have much experience of freedom from my own childhood. And when I do something that I feel is right for my child, I find myself trying to hide it from those other moms, as well as my own parents who live locally, because I don’t want to defend myself to them. After reading your book, though, I will. Maybe other parents will see it’s not so crazy.
For example, in our yard (5 acres of hayfield with a long gravel driveway to a road that only gets a car every 10min or so) we have a lovely wooden playground. We even built up a pea gravel pit around it (lovely for the boys to dig in with trucks) much like a public playground to make the ground soft in case my 3.5 yr old falls off a swing or out of the super low play house. This summer I began to let him play outside by himself. I opened the window and started a great rule that when I say “MARCO!” to check on him when he stops chattering, he responds “POLO!” So I can hear him and see him. A vehicle cannot get near him without me hearing the gravel driveway. A person on foot would be hard pressed to get to him on our gravel driveway without me hearing, and they’d have to take him silently. Yet many other moms, including my own, think I’m insane, because he’s 3.5 years old and practically a baby and anybody could just “take him” while he’s alone out there. But he’s a lovely, cautious, practical kid and I know he can handle it, and has infinitely more fun without me there.
I also (wow, this is hard to admit since I’m so used to hiding it) let my 3 year old drive our car on my lap up and down our long driveway. He loves it and it taught him left and right and I let him steer off of the driveway onto the field on the shoulder to let him learn. My husband mentioned this to someone (a mistake I’d never made!) and after her jaw dropped, she asked what would happen if the airbag spontaneously went off? So my husband came home worrying and thinking we shouldn’t do it anymore because “it’s just not worth the risk!” Have you even ever hear of that happening? I haven’t. There’s nothing to drive into, not a single tree, stump, building, or anything. Just perfectly level gravel with perfectly level grass on either side. It makes me sad.
I spoke to my mother yesterday about Halloween. I mentioned what a shame it is that nobody makes homemade treats anymore because of those false fears of someone tampering with them. My mom was shocked, and said that it wasn’t the fear of poison or razor blades that had her throwing out every homemade treat from our bags. No, it was because she couldn’t be sure of their kitchen’s cleanliness and who knows what kind of food poisoning we could get from bad food handling practices. Afterwards, my boys helped me make muffins and I asked my 3 year old to crack the eggs for me. Previously, I’ve always done anything that gets raw eggs on my hands because I was raised that the raw egg is very hard to get out from under your fingernails, even after washing, so isn’t for children who still sometimes put their hands in their mouths. After reading about your eggs and raw cookie dough, I decided to see if my 3 year old could crack an egg (something I didn’t attempt until I was around 12… maybe older?). After all, our eggs are also safer than mass produced ones; they’re from the free range chickens in our own yard! I was saddened when at first my son refused, saying raw eggs can make you sick and it’s a grown-up job. I said I was wrong, and actually I think it’s a perfectly good big boy job, so let’s try. And you know what? With only a bit of assistance with the first one, my lovely son cracked 3 eggs into the bowl without a single trace of shell. He was so proud.
I’ll be returned your book to the library and buying my own copy. I think I’ll need it to remind myself to breathe in the years ahead. I’m so glad I found your book and website while my kids are so young. Hopefully their whole childhoods can be free range.
You rock, Lenore. Saw you on 7.30 Report in Australia. I myself grew up riding a bike to school every day through both a cemetery AND a disused quarry. And, as I write, my 12 y.o. son and his friends just returned from the park where (shock, horror) NOTHING happened, except they had fun.
Kate, you sound so thoughtful and earnest. Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom. Your post made me so glad that Lenore is in Australia. Lenore, when’re you coming back to Israel so I can interpret for you?
Your gravel driveway reminds me of that of a relative who lives in a semi-secluded estate in New England, with a long driveway. When a car goes over a certain place on the driveway, it activates something that makes a brrrrrrring! sound inside the house. My brother-in-law remarked once that the homeowner is apparently under the false impression that this sound is somehow protecting her, but it’s actually “nothing but information”. What it really means is that at family gatherings, when people are constantly coming and going, we hear brrrrrrring! every few minutes. Kind of annoying, and probably hasn’t saved any lives.
My parents let me take the train from Philly to NYC Upper ‘West Side in the late 90’s. I was 13.
I definitely have that free-range mentality, but my husband does not. I wonder if he would read your book?
My 11 yr old just asked yesterday if I would let him take the train alone to visit my sister in New York (we live in Baltimore). I told him we could revisit the topic when he turns 13.
My kids go to school 1/2 block from our house. It’s not a great neighborhood, but it’s not terrible either. And anyway — we are talking 1/2 block! My daughter’s friend’s father has forbidden his daughter from walking to our house. “Not in your neighborhood!” He lives in a wealthy rural-ish suburb and won’t let his daughter out of the house unsupervised. I think I will buy him a copy of this book.
Great website!
Hi Lenore –
On occasion (when it’s raining or cold) I leave my 21-month old strapped in his car seat, with the car running, while I walk my daughter 50 or so yds to the front door of her school. Evidently another parent notified the Principal of my negligence, and in fact it is illegal in my state to leave a child under eight alone in a car.
Is there any data on deaths in a parked car vs. child deaths in a parking lot? Or from pneumonia? It just seems so silly – one that somebody thinks they’re doing a service by reporting me, and two that there’s a law that likely won’t save a single at-risk child.
Thanks for all you do!
Dear Lenore
Thank God for your book. Can I buy a case full of these at wholesale rates?
I live in Knoxville, TN, just up the street from a bus stop. I let my high-school daughter and a friend ride the city bus to the mall and back. The friend’s mom was outraged. My son loved to wander on our very safe, dead end street, picking up sticks and building “forts.” The neighbors thought I was crazy, so we moved. We went camping a lot. The rangers warned us about letting our kids step out of the gravel camp “site” (about 10 x 12) and wander in the woods, about 10 feet away. For some time, my son became terrified of being out of my site. Not anymore. He’s just returned from Afghanistan, where he is in the U.S. Marines. Our mostly liberal friends have been horrified, but that’s what he wanted to do. He’s been building landing strips and was never required to shoot at anyone or get shot at. Our daughter, never a top student, graduated from a good college with top honors and is now married and about to have her own first child. I’m trying to convince her to read your book, which, by the way, was written so well and with such a sense of humor that I finished it in one sitting, with lots of laughter and asides to my husband. As a long-time newspaper reporter I’ve cited a lot of the facts you used in discussions with other parents, teachers, etc., many of whom treated me like the world’s worst mom. I wish I’d written this myself, 20 or so years ago. Here’s hoping it’s picked up by every parenting magazine and TV program out there!!! I think I heard about it on Fresh Air (not sure). I’m rambling, but one more thing. When I was a kid my dad hired a telephone lineman to suspend a tire, horizontally, from the limb of a huge dutch elm tree in our back yard (Webster Groves, MO, a St. Louis suburb). Kids (and some adults) came from miles around to ride the swing, which started at the top of a hill and ended up 20-30 feet off the ground over a rocky creek bed at its apex. No one ever fell or ever sued. Old friends have written about the swing in several books. It was the best plaything a child could have had. Unfortunately, the tree fell victim to dutch elm disease but is memorialized at the local high school, where a slice from its center graces the school commons. Here’s to free range kids – and adults.
I couldn’t resist a second post. Good public transit, such as they have all over Europe (even in very poor countries) would do a lot to encourage free-range kids. (not to mention cut pollution, suburban sprawl and a myriad of other ills).
Also, a friend’s father tried to sexually molest me when I was 11 or 12. I knew it was wrong and immediately went home, never to return to that house.
In fact, one point left out in your book: most kids who are sexually molested, murdered, abducted (you did mention this) are victimized by someone they know and who has supervisory capacity over them. The presence of an adult is a panacea. Kids, like adults, should be taught early and often to beware of anyone who is hurting them or who seems creepy and go to someone who is safe, a neighbor, police, teacher or even, if necessary, a stranger. Warnings about “strangers” just confuse the issue.
All I can say is thank goodness I can remember what it was like to be a child of the 70’s, so that I can pass the experience onto my children. “Giving my children a free range childhood means that as 17 & 15 year old they have the knowledge, life experience and resilience to cope with the good and bad that life gives them. My children know how to get themselves out of situations that are not the best and they are not too scared to leave home on their own, rather than sit at home missing out on all the wonderful things the world has to offer because of fear.
Keep up the good work, no more cotton wool kids!!!
Marti, if you don’t mind my asking, would you say you were or are traumatized by having been molested?
About the tire swing: My friend had the same setup (the swing arc-ed over a rocky ravine about the same height). Hers had been their since her childhood, and I swung on it a few years ago and after all those years, it broke, with me on it! Fortunately her husband leaped out and caught me. I wouldn’t have traded that for anything!
Greetings! I live in Lincoln NE, which is a fairly level headed community for the most part. I was reminded of this yet again recently with an incident involving my wife…
Parking is nuts at our school (a good reason to walk), so one day my wife didn’t get there in time to get a good parking spot. She had to park somewhere else besides “the usual”, which ended up being in a drive up lane right in front of a play ground area. So, when my 2nd grader couldn’t find where she parked, my wife left the younger 4 in the car to go find her. After all, what could possibly go wrong for our kids, who were buckled in a car parked in front of a school patrolled by dozens of grade school teachers, parents, and other kids right? Well, something did go wrong.
My wife returns about 5 minutes later to find 3 very worried teachers standing in front of our van. They each proceed to lecture my wife on the dangers of leaving children unattended in a car, citing 2 unknown individuals sitting on a bench at the school playground. They told her they were going to report her.
The next day, the principal of the school calls. This is why I like our level-headed community. He informed my wife that he wasn’t going to do anything about this, and acknowledged that we live in a “very paranoid world”, and that people often “over react” to things like this. Here’s the kicker that I hadn’t really thought of before. He also expressed the concern with leaving kids unattended in a public setting such as that, not because something might happen to the kids, but because the parent might get in trouble. The real danger today isn’t towards our kids, the danger is over-reactive adults who turn the parents in!
It would seem that in this day and age, the danger of my children being kidnapped does not come from a criminal, but from the state.
http://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/wellbeing/outdoor-play-linked-to-childrens-mental-health-20101008-16b4d.html?posted=sucessful#makeComment
Above is a link to an interesting article on the need for children to play and be involved with nature.
Love your work, Lenore, saw you on Q + A = brilliant!
How cool for you to be on a panel with Tariq Ali and Geoffrey Robertson!
Hello from Adelaide, Australia.
I was at Heywood Park and my 8yo decided to climb a tree. A few other kids were doing the same. She got to a branch about 6ft from the ground and sat happily swinging her legs. Another boy came over to join her but his mother yelled out “don’t you dare climb that tree. It’s too dangerous”.
Good grief.
Anyway, I love your site. I have such happy memories growing up in the 70s in a small country town near Canberra. I walked to school by myself, from the second day of school, age 5. Often I’d stop and catch tadpoles in the creek on the way. One of my favourite school photos is me with my summer dress wearing gumboots!
On the weekends we’d be away from the house for hours and walk miles from the town, up and down the hills, and along the railway tracks. We’d make go-carts and race them down the hill from the town reservoir. Sometimes we’d crash into trees or each other. No-one was injured too badly. I guess we could have been. Hmm. Oh well.
Tania
Ben, many a time I’ve come across a toddler wandering around, apparently with the parent nowhere in sight. What I do is, I stay within a few meters, observing and making sure s/he’s safe. Usually within one or two minutes (which I know seems like a lot longer) the parent turns up, notices me, and I say, “I didn’t see any grownup with her, so I was just watching to make sure s/he’s safe.” And of course the parent thanks me.
What I’m trying to say is that I have nothing against three teachers noticing three small kids in a car with no grownup and staying close by; it’s the “You’re busted!” attitude that’s unnecessary. In other words the byword should be “concern”, not “Off with their heads!”.
I have a question for the whole community. My son is 5 and is in Kindergarten this year. He is a walker. So far I have been walking him to and from school, simply because I feel that he isn’t ready to walk by himself yet. He still tends to get distracted easily, and would think nothing of sitting to watch a pile of ants for 20 min. when he is supposed to be walking to school, so I walk him to keep him on track.
I am looking for suggestions on how I can get him ready to walk to and from school on his own. It is only 3 blocks with crossing guards at the busy streets. His school has no problems with it, I checked. So far we have been focusing on how to safely cross the street, and knowing the way home. He knows his full name and address, but we are still working on his phone number. Is there anything else that I am not thinking of that he needs to know.
Thanks
Heather
I bought a pen knife for my nephew for his 8th birthday. He cut himself literally five minutes after getting his hands on it.
Now he’s lost the knife and forgotten all about it. I’ve got him a model plane (the sort you glue together) for his 9th. Hope to teach him some patience and concentration.
I bought my (ex) husband a very good, expensive knife for Christmas a bunch of years ago. He opened it, and promptly cut himself. He then sold it to his brother (instead of giving it back to me – I would have liked it!). My son received a Swiss Army style knife when he was 7. He is now 25 and still has it, and has never cut himself.
We used to take the bus to the beach: kids under 12 were free, as long as one person paid. Two transfers, six kids, no adults.
There seems to be less sidewalks now, which does indeed make walking more dangerous nowadays.
Recently, Fisher Price recalled something like 11 million toys due to safety concerns. One of the toys, a toddler trike, apparently caused 10 injuries, “6 of them requiring medical attention.” For this reason 7 MILLION TRIKES were recalled. Ok, let me see, 6 injuries in 7 million is a rate of .00009%??!! There are so many zeroes that my calculator expresses it exponentially. I’m all for public safety, but this seems a little ridiculous!
heared you speak in Sydney and I LOVE YOU.
I was born in India and cant believe the things i used to do when i was a kid…it did not kill me but gave me some great memories. My kids are kind of Free Range as my husband is not very understanding and was brought up in a very sterile western society…….they always have to be within sight.
My relatives get a panic attack as i let my kids play alone in the back yard, they are 4 year old twins they love it, running, jumping, making mud pies, pulling up grass together with my weeds. By them selves??? no supervision??? is the usual question. What a lot of rot. I am in the house you idiots…
Also my firend object to me letting them rid their bikes on a the pavement up and down our street with me walking 3 feet behind them. I get the …you cannot do that, what if a car back out and hits them or cant you get one of those handles that you can keep them attache to your hand…what a pot of shit.
I think you need to be the voice of sensibility and get out more and pass the message. KIDS NEED FREEDOM.
I disagree with you about the toilet locks but not for the reason you may think. Toilet locks aren’t about protecting kids from the toilet, they are about protecting the toilet from the kids. My brother used to flush every thing he could get his hands on down the toilet when he was little. The plumber was a frequent visitor at our home. I’m just starting to baby proof my home. I’m taking a minimalist approach but I do plan to install the locks. I don’t think my son will drown in the toilet but I’m too attached to my jewelry and car keys to risk letting him follow in his uncle footsteps. My genius brother used to eat the cat food too but that’s another story. Our pets are just going to have to look out for their own dinner.
Well, it finally happened in the “fours” class (which is for 3-4 year olds) in my kids’ preschool. I got the note saying that my daughter wouldn’t stop pretending to have guns, and “also” pretending to shoot her friends. These were referred to as “behavior problems” (the first “behavior problems” I’ve ever heard of from school regarding this daughter). (Well, actually, her failure to stop after being warned was the behavior problem.)
I reminded my daughter that she must listen and cooperate with the teacher. However, I did not and will not tell her not to talk about guns, or pretend to have them. Her grandpa has guns and I will not be telling (including implicitly) my kids that guns are “bad.” Let’s see how this goes.
HI!
I am SOOO for FRK! I find it absurd that we have this belief that things are more dangerous now for our kids out in the big wide world! I have long pushed the info that crime rates are steadily decreasing in Australia. I have two children, now in their 20s. I wanted them to learn to be independent, empowered and confident in the world and encouraged them to do that whilst helping them with skills in assertiveness and also recognizing situations that required some caution. As a parent, I wanted my kids to feel empowered and discerning rather than smoothered and disempowered! The sad reality is that kids are far more likely to be hurt or abused in their own home by someone they know than outside by strangers.
From 8 years old onwards, I would go to Melbourne with my older brother (18 months older). We would walk 3 miles to the bus stop, catch the bus 5 miles to the train station then take the train 25 miles into Melbourne. We’d go and have lunch at the Tropicana cafe, which had it’s own pet crocodile, then take a tram another 20 mins or so to a skating rink, for an afternoon of ice skating. We’d then head home the same way and be back by nightfall. We survived the occasional bullies at the rink and on the train, and the drug dealers on the streets of St Kilda, and in the process, learnt to be very independent. It was wonderful having that sort of freedom!
I find it concerning re the mind sets we are generating. As some of you would know, the two types of world-view most strongly associated with developing posttraumatic stress disorder following a trauma are: “the world is a safe place, and I am competent” and “the world is an unsafe place and I am incompetent”.
Being alive comes with a set of risks. Might as well enjoy the journey to the fullest!
I didn’t realise I was ‘free-ranging’ my kids until I just saw you on ABC in Australia, Lenore. I thought I was just being a bit half-arsed with my parenting!
I find free-ranging my boys quite easy. When we walk or ride back from the milk bar, for example, I’ll often ask my six year old if he’d like to go in the opposite direction around the block and meet us. The other day I had to pick something up from a house around the corner and I asked my boy if he’d like to walk home by himself – just for the sake of doing it. He did, and he was so proud of himself.
Now, at the end of his first year at school he’s ready to start going to school by himself. So soon I’ll start walking him to one block away from school so he can walk up the street to the crossing supervisor and in to school. Then it will be walking him just to the corner of our block, and sometime next year I figure he’ll be walking or riding all the way.
I’m very, very careful with my kids. I see it as my job to anticipate the dangers, evaluate them and then decide whether to intervene. This hit home when my first child got mobile. Anything is potentially dangerous to a little one. So to stop myself going crazy I set up a mantra in my head to deal with pointy table corners, the single step from the dining room to the lounge room, the CD rack: “Will it kill him? No. OK. Will it permanently maim him? Unlikely. OK. Could he get a bump or bruise? Quite possibly. I can live with that.”
Now that I’m studying psychology I’m not surprised to find that the degree of autonomy given to adolescents by their parents is a key factor in their successful development. Not too much, not too little, but appropriate.
My husband and I are thinking about having kids, and I’m trying to preempt my anxiety … by seeking counseling, practicing stress-reduction strategies, and reading books like FRK! I’m the product of two pretty anxious parents. The way I see it, there’s a small chance my (hypothetical) kids will get hurt if I allow them free range, but there’s a strong chance they’ll be fearful, timid kids (as I was) if I let anxiety rule our lives.
On another note, I teach college students and can’t help but think we’d all be better off if they were more self-reliant and responsible!
Of course, SKL, while your kid’s teacher is WAY overreacting, I’m guessing that part of gun safety that your kid is learning/will learn includes the dictum that you don’t point guns at other people (except in a limited number of circumstances that she’s unlikely to encounter in real life).
Back when I was a kid (born in ’64) when we got home after school and after we had raided the fridge, we we told to go outside and “Be home when the street lights go on”
We survived. Maybe the odd scratch or scrape here and there, but nothing life threatening.
I live in Minneapolis, and am 34 years old. My kids are 7, 5, and 3. I follow the “free range” philosophy, although I thought it was just me making my kids do things for themselves so that I won’t always have to do it!
I took my kids to a local park this week to carve pumpkins and get some free time outside. Since 2 of my kids are still small, I had to take over 2 of the carvings. While I did that, my kids explored the park near me, and in the 10 minutes they were walking around, on trails, 4 people pointed out to me that my kids were more than 5 feet from me. Keep in mind that I could see any one of them if I looked in their general direction at any point in time.
After the pumpkins were carved, the group gathered around an outside fireplace to await the time to light the kids’ masterpieces. While we were waiting, my kids were making friends with some other kids, and they were all playing tag just off the patio. In the meantime, a little boy was sat, by his mother, on the chair next to me. This mom then proceeded to shove a portable video game at this little boy, who just kept saying that he wanted to play with all the other little kids. His mom’s reaction? ” We don’t run around like wild animals.”
Wow. At a park, with trails designed for walking and running. These are the things some kids are being taught these days. Forget nature, forget other kids. Sit here and stare at this screen. That is your play time. I am so glad that I found your website, and that I am not the only person who feels this way! Thank you for being so outspoken, and validating the parenting choices that those of us who belive the same thing have made!
Pascha, that mom sounds like Emily Gilmore!
Today my son came home with a flier from school (1st grade) about a “Safe Halloween” that the high school is hosting for for elementary kids on Oct. 28th. I am not opposed to the event, I love candy and this time of year I’ll take my kids to various halloween happenings to score some free chocolate 🙂 The thing I have a problem with is the name. The event is actually called Safe Halloween, it makes parents feel that trick or treating is not safe. My kids will be skipping this one out of protest, I guess they’ll just have to trick or treat twice as long to make up for the missed candy 🙂
I am very much for raising free range kids. I have 4 kids, all of whom are grown up now The youngest however is special needs. She has autism. They were all allowed to cook, go to the park and play, had the occasional minor accident. My oldest son once split his head and had to get a few stitches all of which I consider to be normal. As it happened when James split his head, his grandfather was visiting us from Scotland. After the initial tears, he ended up quite delighted because it meant he got a few days off school so he could spend time with his grandfather.
I wanted however to comment on a slightly different note but along the same vein.
We live in a beautiful town on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, Australia. We have lived in our current home for 8 years. In that time we have once locked the doors of our home. We did it because our entire family including my grown up children’s spouses went on a trip to Scotland. This has meant that over the 8 years all the family could just come and go as they pleased. Nobody ever had to worry about whether they had a key to get in or not or ever got locked out and had to damage any windows or doors by having to break in. What a great quality of life we’ve had. When we got back from Scotland, it was quite obvious that nothing at home had been tampered with and even in that circumstance we most likely needn’t have lock the place up.
I’d be interested to hear your comments on this
Richard, re door locking, my BIL lived in Chicago and for years didn’t lock his door. He said the occasional theft of some item with street value but no sentimental value (stereo receiver, for instance) was worth his freedom to him.
This same BIL, when I once slid a coaster underneath his glass, asked me, “Do you own your possessions, or do they own you?” That same night, the coasters were re-purposed into bath toys. Never used coasters again. They just annoy me.
Your grandson splitting open his head reminded me of a friend who when she was five drank some poisonous compound and had to have her stomach pumped. She recalled running to meet her dad in the lobby and shouting, “Daddy! It was fun!”
I think locking your doors really depends on where you live. I recall some guys did an experiment that measured safe neighbourhoods in terms of how much time went by before someone snatched a new bike that wasn’t tied up, just lying there.
After having to force my entry in my own house, and having realized how easy it is (I could climb the gate even when I was six months pregnant), I just don’t bother anymore. Besides, I think that when someone has to resolve to stealing, then they probably need my stuff more than I do.
My cousin once scared a mugger away by pitying him and inviting him home to have something to eat. Really.
Wow, empowering kids to be responsible and helping them build self confidence, that’s just crazy talk! Even better, calling out over protective, helicopter parents, now that’s gold. Now, if you can you do something about Congress, I’ll send you flowers!
Preach on, Sister.
After reading your WSJ article, I said to myself “This person could not POSSIBLY have children of her own!” Apparently, you have children and could give a rat’s tail about them. Why don’t you ask the hundreds of thousands of parents whose children have been molested, kidnapped or slaughtered because they took their eyes off of them for a moment. I would not wish this on anyone’s children, but I hope someday you get a scare that makes you realized how misguided you are!
Thanks for the insightful post, Jones. Lenore has statistics on her side – including from the National Center for Exploited Children…what are your statistics that prove your take is right?
We realize there are always risks to our children – and to us, too. Thing is, we work to recognize when the risk is actually a great one, not a miniscule one. We only have one set of eyes and frankly, it’s impossible, yes, IMPOSSIBLE to watch every single move or breath your child takes. When do you stop watching? When did your parents stop micromanaging you?
I grew up in Europe and roamed the streets with my friends,we did have to be home by 6pm and always were.Now we moved to a childfriendly neighbourhood heere in the states with lots of kids but to my dissapoinment we never see any of them outrside.We have schools near by and we ride our bikes there with the plan that my kids(now 4 and 6)will eventually ride there by themselves.Now it would be much better if they had a group fo kids to go with but where are they all?Well most of them are getting driven by there parents all over town to diffrent private schools where they are “safe” .My sister-in-law is a total helicopter parent and my mother-in-law doesn,t even think my kids are safe playing unsupervised in our own backyard,i mean that,s why i have a backyard yes?i,m glad i,m not alone in my thinking and i weill give this book out as a christmaspresent
though I don’t have kids of my own, I agree with what you are saying, but I think it can be applied to society as a whole. We (as people) have become completely terrified of any and all contact with ‘strangers’ when, in fact, most crimes are not completely random. It’s high time to disband the effect myths and overbearing media influence have on our understanding of our neighbors. Put trust into our follow people and understand that we are all living here together. In short, be safe, not paranoid.
I was the first of my family to be raised in southern California – the youngest of 3 girls, my parents, who had just moved from Chicago were afraid to let us out of their sight. I did a fair amount of exploration but not without a “body guard” which sent the message that I could not take care of myself or make safe decisions.
When I had kids I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. My kids spent the first decade of their lives growing up in the Santa Cruz mountains of California – yes, there were scary people out there. We had a number of homeless encampments on our property. I taught my kids to be aware of their surroundings and cautious about any approaching strangers. We also didn’t have a TV and they learned to read at an early age. We didn’t restrict their reading material – we allowed them to read the newspaper and any of the books in our 3,000 plus library. But we talked about everything – human sexuality, predators, love, humanity, morality, politics and much more. We taught them to think for themselves and speak for themselves.
When we were forced to move back to the Los Angeles area we allowed them to wander and explore the area. Cell phones have allowed us to keep tabs on them and keep in contact and we discuss details of what to do if someone approaches them or tries to do something to them. We run through scenarios. Being honest about the world – rather than reducing them to quivering, fearful messes – has empowered them to feel confident in their own assessment of what is a safe situation and what isn’t.
At some point parents have to step back and let their kids go. The world is a big and sometimes scary place, but it is also full of wonderful adventures and discoveries – most important are the discoveries they make about themselves. It’s hard to find out who you are if you are kept in a protective bubble and never challenged.
My kids are now 14 and 16 years old and, while we can never guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to them, seem to be well on their way to becoming smart, thoughtful, resourceful and confident adults.
I just discovered your site and think it’s great. I took a train from Richmond to DC when I was no more than 9, and as a now adult Eagle Scout, I experienced all kinds of things now considered verboten by the safety nazis. Today I got an email from Red Cross about Halloween safety and was all prepared for the typical “follow your kids around or go to organized events” kind of advice, but was pleasantly surprised. Only their admonition on masks seemed over the top–they could have just suggested you pull up the mask when going from house to house.
http://american.redcross.org/site/DocServer/Holiday1206.swf?docID=960
100 percent agree with what you blog/post/say. I have 2 children, 4 and 6. I let them play in our front yard (in our very safe cul-de-sac- in our very safe community) while I step inside for 5 whole minutes. And I fret, worry and check the window every 20 seconds. WHY?
I am the biggest believer in “You have to be knocked in the head before you learn not to step in front of the swing set.” Experience is knowledge…kids need experience and they need it from their own point of view–not the parents’.
A sheltered kid becomes a sheltered adult.
I was born in 1954, the eldest of four girls. When I was just a toddler my mom said I would open the front door and escape the house. She would put the chain lock on and I’d get a chair, get up on it and once again unlock the door so I could get out.
Before I was five I went into the garage, took a wrench and removed the training wheels from my bike because I wanted a two-wheeler. Thinking I’d get in trouble, I put them back on, but as soon as I did I realized I wanted a two-wheeler more, so I took them back off, got on my bike and started to ride. I rode down to the end of our cul-de-sac, turned around and came back, proudly showing my mom I could ride a bike before I ran into the fence because I forgot to apply the breaks.
When I was about nine years old my mother used to drop two of my younger sisters and me at the local movie theater (double feature) with 50 cents – 25 to get in and the rest for candy, which was 5 and 10 cents.
Fast foward to my own children, two sons, who were allowed to bike, play and do all the stuff I did without their mom hovering over them. When they were 12 and 10 I got a good job with great benefits, but required I worked third shift. They went to bed at their usual time, I went to work and got home in time to get them up for school. Nobody was killed, abducted or the victim of any other worst-scene scenario.
Two years ago I had my then nine year-old (nearly ten) grandson visit. He is articulate, smart as a whip and has a lot of common sense. I was going to donate plasma and children under 18 were not allowed into the facility. I didn’t want to leave him at my house because we had plans and I didn’t want to go all the way home for him, so I asked him if he wanted to see the latest Batman movie, which was playing right across the street from where I would be. He was very excited to see the movie, so I bought his ticket, and sent him on his way. The usher said attendance was sparse during daytime hours so there was no problem. I gave my grandson the number of where I’d be “just in case” and went for my donation. When finished I walked into the theater just as the closing credits were rolling and saw that he was one of three people in the theater. He enjoyed the movie and we went on to do other stuff. During our visit he learned to pay for and pump gas, help with grocery shopping and assist with some of my animal rescue work.
The next time I had to donate, it was too late for a movie, so he sat in the car, AC running with his Game Boy and within 40′ of the security guard at the office building. No problem then either, until…
When my grandson told his mom (no longer with my son) about his visit, both she and my son had hissy fits that I would leave this kid alone where he could have been abducted. After how my son was raised I couldn’t believe he was buying into this crap.
Well, since that time my grandson has not been allowed to come for his summer visits, nor have seen him at all, even though he wanted to. It’s only been in the past couple of months that we’ve talked on the phone. I have told both his parents that I REFUSE to apologize for my ‘behavior’ because I didn’t do anything wrong and that if his mom was going to let him be a mama’s boy it would be to his detriment.
Parents need to get their heads out of their butts and realize that a child who learns to do for himself will turn out to be smarter, more confident and better able to handle life’s challenges. To me, there’s nothing worse than a whiny kid who wants mommy to fix everything because he’s too emotionally stunted to figure it out for himself.
Would I let my grandson go to the movies again by himself? HELL, YES!!! And I remain completely and totally unapologetic.
I’d somehow missed your writing until today, but I’m so glad to have found it. I grew up with the kind of freedom you describe, playing outside and unsupervised with my friends and cousins when I was small, riding public transit to school on my own from the time I was seven years old, spending long, dreamy afternoons at the library by myself, choosing my allotted ten books to take home. Summer vacations were two solid months of unstructured, mostly-outdoor activity; I remember the long process of scrubbing the permanent dirt ring from around my ankles the night before the new school year would begin. I treasure that part of my childhood. I was lucky to have had my mom’s trust — she knew I could handle whatever the world threw at me, so I knew it, too. I’m working on passing that same knowledge down to my own kid, and I’m glad to have found this site full of people who are trying to do the same thing.
Jane, I’m with you all the way, but I don’t know if I’d leave anyone of any age in a car with the motor running for that long. Besides being unsafe, what a waste of gas. Hard to believe your grandson wasn’t even allowed inside the building. Not even a hallway he could sit on the floor while he waited for you?
In response to Jane Howard’s problem with her son and daughter-in-law’s reaction to leaving the child in the car. It brings back fond memories of my own grandmother who encouraged me to do all sorts of things and even took me to a bar one time (no I didn’t drink!). My mother was shocked at some of the things she suggested I do and put her foot down at least once. But grandmother’s free spirit and sense of adventure lives on in me and I’m so glad she was a part of my life.
Something to think about: It may pay off in the long-run for your grandson’s welfare to say “Uncle” to his parents so that you can continue to visit with him. The reasoning behind that is that he will need someone like you in his life to teach him that there are other ways to view the world. If they don’t want him left in the car unattended – so be it. Perhaps you can get a list of what they will and will not allow. Follow it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have vital input into his life and still allow him to have adventures during his visits with you – all without alienating his parents and losing all contact with the child.
He needs you, Grandma, much more than you need to win this fight with your son and daughter-in-law.
I just stumbled on your website and I love it! My baby has just turned 2 but I have already discovered that I allow him a lot more freedom than most around me. He is very physically adept, and has been for a while. He has been climbing the “big-kid slide” at the playground for 8 months or so, but almost every time we go to the park, I will have another mom rush to the slide to “save” my child. I am not sure what to say in these situations. Snarky comments are appealing, but I don’t feel like they help the situation.
The thing I get the most comments on however is the fact that I don’t make him wear shoes in the summer. I don’t wear them myself actually unless I am going inside somewhere that has a no-shoes policy. It is amazing how many people will say to him (as though it isn’t directed to me) “Where are your shoes?” Does anyone have ideas about what to say. If I am feeling confident I will usually say something about how good it is for his feet, but often I stammer and say, “He doesn’t like them.” This makes me look like I don’t even have enough parental control to keep shoes on my baby. And it isn’t true, as he actually loves shoes (for the same reason he loves to wear my scarves and daddy’s hats).
The other issue we have had is that I have no problem letting him sleep in the car if I am running in a store where I can keep an eye on him from the window (no big grocery stores) as long as it isn’t too hot. But I have had the police called on me for this! They sent these “junior” police offers (They couldn’t have been over 20) to come check it out. I calmly informed them that I could see him the entire time, that he was perfectly safe, and that as it was not against the law I would like to be on my way. They tried to chew me out for it. I told them that we can’t make our parenting decisions based on busybodies opinions but on what is best for our children, and they eventually backed down. The problem is that this got my husband scared that CPS is going to come take our baby.
So I think I will fit in here. 🙂 Any ideas or advice?
Emily, in response to “Where’re your shoes?”, how about [big smile, as if you’re telling the person your kid just won the Nobel Prize]: “They’re at home. We’re barefooters!” — as if it’s a religion. If you still get a lecture and can’t get away (grocery line, say), respond [with big smile], “Thanks for your concern. We’ll take our chances!”
That having been said, I think it’s gross to go barefoot, but I defend your right to do so!
Jane – I totally agree with your post – the absurdity of not allowing a 10 yo any free time. Chances of him being abducted while you were in giving blood were minuscule, compared to when you were actually driving – because then your chance of getting in a car reck are high.
However, your attitude will get you nowhere. You wrote “Would I let my grandson go to the movies again by himself? HELL, YES!!! And I remain completely and totally unapologetic.”
This shows complete lack of respect for the child’s parents. It is a blatant disrespect for them as parents. You don’t have to agree with their decisions (heck, I don’t either), but you still have to respect them. But you do not. So it seems logical that they have taken steps to not let you see him unattended. If you are going to clearly undermine their decisions here (with the movies or sitting in a car), then what else will you do? That’s what would being going through a lot of parents heads. You had your chance at being the parent, and it sounds like you did a good job. But now you need to respect that they are the parents, and they get to make the decisions with their child. Wether you agree with those decisions or not.
I just finished the book, read to reaffirm and expand my parenting style.
One event came to mind while reading – The Most Boring Field Trip Ever. It was my daughter’s kindergarten trip to “the beach” in Santa Cruz, CA. Despite writing on the permission trip that I would be taking my daughter (because when we went to the pumpkin farm everyone was driving crazy fast to get there and back before buses left) the teacher was upset as my daughter was “riding” with a friend. Sorry, I happen to respect speed limits. Anyhow, we got to the beach, did a tour of the nature center, and then, joy of joy, got to play on the beach. Except, the teacher set up the limits for where the kids could be so far back from the water, that if they sat down to dig in the sand, they couldn’t actually SEE the water. No seeing wave action on the sand castles, no digging for for sand crabs or clams. No walking over to the pier 50 feet away to see starfish attached to the posts. NONE of the things that we NORMALLY did when we went to the beach. Because we didn’t have to go back to the school (the joy of not driving other people’s kids) we got to stick around with another mom and son and got to see the afternoon kinder kids. While they didn’t get to get their feet wet, they were set up within 15 feet of the water!
Yesterday, we went to the park where we currently live. I read the book, and let my kids go climb up the hill…alone. Well, actually, my 10 year old and my 8 year old climbed, and my 5 year old played on the equipment while I sat in the car and read. My oldest was proud of herself and boasted to Dad that evening. As Free Range goes, this was pretty tame, as the hill is barren of tall trees or plants and I could pretty much see them the whole time.
I do let them get out of sight when we go to the grocery store (which is pretty large) and send them in pairs to get me stuff that I need. I wasn’t planning freedom for them with this, mostly I needed a chance to think about what I need to get without constant demand for attention. As we homeschool now, grocery store is always with kids, so this does help all of us, even if my mother and sister did raise their eyebrows when they came to visit. Bless them though, neither said a word!
But neither of them would be like the grandmother at the park today. She had twin almost 4 year old boys. The playground was designed by kids – so it has lots of cubbies, crawlspaces, slides and all sorts of stuff. It also has a fence, with only one way in and out. She was making the twin boys stay together the whole time (they had different interests, and wanted to play with other kids, as is developmentally appropriate,) and grandma was running herself ragged trying to keep them together. I felt sorry for the boys – they won’t get any independence, and they sure won’t be able to develop their own identities when grandma is around either.
Stop the madness, this is completely over the top.
http://online.wsj.com/video/track-your-kids–with-a-drone/5879409B-9576-4ACD-B135-9EE329C02D10.html
The URL says it all.
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/11/03/kid-farts-bus-gets-detention-news/
I recently saw you on John Stossel. I am impressed. It reminds me of our vacation to NYC about 7 years ago. We travelled everywhere by subway and enjoyed our vacation thoroughly. My wife, 12 year old daughter, and I attended a Broadway show. Our 13 year old son wanted no part of that so he walked to a restaurant and shopped at some novelty stores near our 43 St hotel. Or friends and family in Texas were shocked when hearing this. We thought it a natural part of growing up. Keep up the good work.
To Cheryl W. in Santa Cruz, CA: You are home schooling now and Santa Cruz has lots of wonderful options for home schoolers. When the time comes – check out Coast Redwood High School in Felton. I couldn’t homeschool because I was working full time, but found a wonderful school called Monarch Public Alternative School (K-6) in the old Branceforte School building in Santa Cruz. My kids went on all kinds of wonderful field trips and one of the neat projects they did in 4th grade was to raise steelhead trout and then release them in the San Lorenzo River in Henry Cowell State Park – awesome! Yes, some kids fell in the water – no harm done. Wonderful learning experience for everybody involved.
Hooray for Free Range Kids!! I just finished the book, listening to it in the car on the way to and from work over a couple of weeks. I marveled at each installment! Finally, a parenting book that affirms that my instincts have been right on all along! I’ve been mentioning the book over and over, and it has spurred many interesting conversations in the break room (where some co-workers have VERY different ideas about parenting) and at the dinner table at home.
I wish I had a nickle for every time I second guessed my instincts, swayed by the tide of conventional wisdom (or fear). Yet I feel I’ve always had the right idea, even if I didn’t always go with it. When my first child was 5 and attended “Safety Town” class prior to going to kindergarten, I went with him on the day they were to speak about Stranger Danger, as I felt strongly against the term/idea (it was a pretty tame presentation). I can’t stand it when I hear parents send their children out into the world (to the store, down the street, wherever) with this advice!
About halfway through the book, I realized that my children are past the age for many of the issues you wrote about. As a parent of teens (13 and 15 year old boys, both taller than me), I have different concerns, ones not mentioned in the book (sex, drugs, failing classes, to name a few). In talking to my kids, I’ve come to realize a couple of things. First, that my kids are most likely going to make good choices about these things, or at least not really terrible ones. And second, if they do mess up, they will have to own their mistakes and the attending consequences (like repeating freshman year civics).
Thanks to your inspiring book, I feel a renewed confidence at a stage when parenting feels very foggy (when do I let the apron strings slacken? when do I yank them tight?). I have to remind myself that as they get older, I have ever less control over things in their lives (which is as it should be). Looking at the big picture, they are great kids!! And surely they will figure out at some point that going to bed late will mean being tired the next day?
I am saddened but not surprised by Lenore’s story about the loss of recess in some schools in spite of lots of studies showing the importance of play to a child’s development. I really don’t understand why school systems are so reluctant to apply research based information to how they run. There has been a lot of solid research for years that high school students would do much better if they could start school at 10 AM instead of 7 or 8 in the morning. They could then stay in school until 5:00 PM and reduce the documented problem that most crime and troublemaking by this age group happens between 3:00 and 5:00 PM. Conversely, elementary school age children are often up early and could start school at 7:00 AM which would also make it much easier on working parents. They wouldn’t have to find both morning and afternoon daycare. With the middle school age group I haven’t found any studies but my experience of this age group is that we would serve them better to have half of their school day spent doing a wide range of organized volunteer efforts. They can be so intense and passionate about things at that age, starting to feel grown up, wanting to feel a valuable part of society and full of energy.
I’m an American raising two little boys in Switzerland with my Swiss husband. My oldest, whose six, has been walking to school for two years (three blocks away and around two corners). They make sure that children can walk to kindergarten and school – in fact it is a priority in this culture.
The police come to kindergarten around the second month and talk to them about how to handle streets, strangers, etc., My son came home with a little book and cd with songs about, “waiting, listening, looking, before crossing, ” and standing up for himself should anyone try to take him. Children here are taught to be very independent at a young age and are applauded for acting correctly and responsibly.
Although this all makes sense to me now, I was terrified at the idea. Now I get it. When I’m in the U.S. visiting my family, it’s my children that listen and can cross a street. I also know they won’t run off because I’ve let them run all over the parks here (as Swiss kids do) and explore. My youngest is three and he’s been riding a Like-a-Bike (bike with no pedals for toddlers) for a year and waits at every street. I can let him go a block ahead and he waits. He’s a confident little boy and is aware of the street – no I don’t believe he can cross alone nor identify how far away a car is, but he knows not to cross without me.
Good job letting your son learn to responsible for himself!
Check out this from the Royal Society for the Arts about changing our thinking about how to educate kids
Let’s try that again… sorry
http://www.youtube.com/theRSAorg
Realize it’s a wee bit past Halloween, but another site I
frequent posted this lovely satire on the current state of Halloween (Brit style!)
Cyn, hilarious. I didn’t realize Halloween is celebrated in the UK like it is in the States (anyone know about Canada?). I’d always understood it was just an American thing, brought over from Ireland.
Right…dress your three-year-old up so she looks like a hooker, then expect her to be in a protective bubble…
Saw this on youtube and thought of you.
6 year old skateboarder Asher Bradshaw at Venice Beach Skatepark.
Thank God Asher is a free range kid. He never would have learned to skate like that if his parents had been afraid he’d FALL DOWN.
Here is another “helicopter parent” product out there. The comments under this article sound surprisingly familiar……
http://moms.today.com/_news/2010/11/09/5434347-keep-your-filthy-paws-off-my-baby-please?GT1=43001
Amy, I’ll go you one better: a 14-year-old wheelchair skateboarder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWxl-PjxgRE
re the “don’t touch my baby” signs, the thing that actually got me most upset is that they’re pink and blue, perpetuating the gender thing [picture me puking]. Worthless bunch of crap that as usual, someone is making money off of…or rather making $$$ off parents’ fears…of germs…
Having said the above, I do admit that one of my pet peeves as a parent of small kids was parents who do not take the trouble to wipe their kids’ noses. And yes, that may mean wiping them every minute and applying white petroleum jelly for the soreness. No, the snot is not gonna disappear on its own; you know kids’ noses run, so what’s so hard about carrying tissues with you at all times? It’s Parent Gear 101, along with the water bottle.
So while I didn’t give fever reducer at the first sign of fever (or ever, on many occasions), and I didn’t run for the antibiotics at the first sign of an ear infection, I was compulsive about wiping my kids’ noses. Not only were they healthy, but they were aesthetic; it’s a simple courtesy to the rest of us.
I’m definitely for this! I’ve never heard of this term until today, and neither have my parents. I do not have kids, but this is how my parents raised me and my siblings. I’m always baffled at parents that get babysitters for their 15 year children, and I guess it’s because I was raised differently.
I’m new to being a parent and the whole free-range thing, so forgive me if the answers here are common sense. I live in small development which has a playground for the kids. The rule is that children should be supervised. While I agree that children do not need constant supervision and should be allowed to play, my concern is that a lot of parents don’t teach their children how to play nicely, how to be conscientious or respectful. There are often unsupervised children in the playground, some are fine, others throw rocks the the equipment, damaging it and leaving rocks for the little ones to hit when they come down the slide, they sit on the swings talking on their cellphones so that children who want to swing can’t, they jump off of the equipment (at least 9 feet high) making other parents responsible for their safety.
While I hope that when my baby grows up she is responsible enough to play on her own, it is other people’s children I will then be worried about.
Amy, seems to me you’re perfectly within your rights to tell those kids, “When you throw rocks at the equipment, and my little one slides down, s/he’s liable to land on them.” or “My little one wants to swing.” Once they see they’re trampling on the rights of a one-year-old, they usually cooperate. If they don’t, say, “Then I have no other recourse other than to report you to the police,” and get out your phone and do it.
If you were here I’d pour you a nice glass of wine and feed you bread and cheese – you are the best! All this time I thought I was a half-assed, lazy, rogue mom who didn’t love her kids as much as the other moms…but no! I’m a FREE RANGE MOM! I have a 12 yr old girl and a year old boy. We live in a great neighborhood with beautiful walking paths – someone is always running or walking a cute dog. My kids go to peoples houses on the block to play….my daughter occasionally takes a friend to walk to the Starbucks down the road…both my kids are sometimes kicked out of the house on nice days my me to “take a long bike ride”. My husband grew up in NYC – he told me he was riding the subway when he was 8 (urban legend we think) either way – he’s all for this free range thing (although he may be confusing this with us buying organic milk but oh well) I am very thankful for your courage to speak the truth and fight the good fight!!
What a refreshing view on parenting. I completely agree that fear and paranoia has taken over today’s parents and that if we don’t do something to stop it, we’re going to raise a generation of brainless lemmings who can’t take care of themselves!
While my children are still young (4 and 2) and the boundaries are obviously closer in than the NY subway system, I still try to give them freedom and allow them to take risks. In our house, the philosophy is, If it’s not a guaranteed trip to the emergency room – i.e. broken bone, concussion or stitches, we generally let them take the risk and see if they can master the task at hand. And you know what? They’ve gotten plenty of bumps and bruises, but they learned pretty early on how to master a lot of things safely – climbing up and down stairs (no need for gates!), riding a bike, crossing the monkey bars, etc.
I plan to continue to prepare them for life, but let them test their boundaries so that they develop the skills to navigate the world, rather than have me pave every step for them.
Thank you so much for your bravery! You are not alone!
I don’t know what to say really. I’ve just found your blog and I’m astonished with the stories I’ve read. They’d be a lot of fun – if they were not so scary.
My point of view is a bit different as I live in Northern Europe where we have not yet realized how dangerous the world really is… I’ve raised up a free range kid without having heard anything about the concept. I guess that’s how we roll, up here in the North.
My kid took his daily nap outdoors in a pram in all four seasons. Yes, in winter too. Yes, with all the frost and snow. He was a very healthy baby.
My kid traveled 100 kilometres to his grandparent’s house by bus since he was 4 or 5. The busdrivers are decent people who keep an eye on a little traveler and see that he meets his grandpa at the destination. No problem, never.
My kid walked to school and back since he was 7 and took care of himself until I or his dad came home from work. The only problem was the front door which had to be fixed a bit so that the child was able to open it.
My kid spent his childhood upside down doing somersaults and cartwheels and jumping off the swing in its wildest speed and he never broke a single bone.
I don’t mean to say it is weird to be worried. On the contrary, it is quite natural.
When I became a mother I looked into a mirror: “We have to talk.” Was I going to follow all my protective instincts and allow myself to see the world as a Very Dangerous Place? Or would I force myself to be a bit stronger and trust a bit more?
Now that my kid is 16 I’m happy I didn’t thrust upon him the idea of threats and dangers lieing in wait everywhere. All his life he has been learning how to spread his wings one day. That day is getting closer, but that’s ok. He’s been a good learner.
They all have to learn to take care of themselves, don’t they? It is not something a young adult suddenly knows all about when he wakes up on one particular birthday morning. Why fear and not let them learn it step by step, naturally?
Thank you!
I am reading your book and wish it had come out when my 17 year was a kid! My son’s best pal when he was was 10 lived around the corner. I walked him there or the other Mom walked her son to us. FINALLY it occurred to us this was crazy. I finally said – if he does not show up in 15 minutes call me! I feel if kids are so protected from “life” by us, they will never be able to do the things we are preparing them to – become competent adults, able to negotiate the world with out us! Isn’t that what parenting is really about? So Bravo, Thank you for this.
I love the book and the website.
I just finished your book about 5 minutes ago. I absolutely LOVED it. My son is only 11 months old and the only childproofing I have done is electrical sockets, he had an immediate attraction to them. My parents, grandparents, in-laws, and other friends think I need to do more to protect him. But he’s fine. Babies are supposed to get bruises and fall down. They have to learn somehow. Right now, I have a perfectly healthy (exclusively breastfed) baby who is very independent and did not want any help learning how to walk.
My fiancee and I are always trying to let our son be his own person without overprotecting him. I’m so glad that there is a book about it!! I will recommend your book to EVERY parent I know.
I cannot wait to apply all the Free Range Kid commandments to Leonidas, my son. And the children we want to have. Life will be much happier for all if parents would quit worrying. My mother was a worrier. And I don’t want to be like that. She was the best mother in the world (RIP) and my best friend as I got older, but I don’t want to worry about my kids every second of every day. That’s not a life.
Thank your for your courage to write this book and stand up for kids and parents everywhere!!!
I was definitley raised free range and love this concept. I was inspired to write a blog post about it: http://ozimagesblog.com/2010/11/12/free-range-kids/
RE: not locking doors
I grew up in Chicago (in the Back of the Yards neighborhood until the late 80s). It wasn’t the greatest neighborhood but I don’t remember our door ever being locked during the day. How else would me and my brother get in and out? And our front door was downstairs. We lived in a 2-flat. Our apartment was on the 2nd floor, above my gramma. But both doors are on the 1st floor. It was always our job to make sure we locked the front door before going to bed at night.
Then we moved to another part of Chicago (near Midway Airport) where my dad still lives and my kids mostly grew up. Our door was never locked except when everyone was in bed and for the last few years, half the time we forgot to even do that, lol.
In all my (nearly) 34 years there has been just 1 (ONE) break in. That was at the 2-flat when I was like 5. I woke in the middle of the night to a big commotion. Some drunk broke out the basement window and was trying to get in my gramma’s apartment because he thought it was his. My dad called the cops, they took him away, end of story.
Not once has anyone tried to break into my dad’s house he has now (that my family has lived in for nearly 22 years). They tried to get into the garage twice but never succeeded (and we had our shed broken into twice at the old neighborhood…so we stopped putting valuable stuff in the shed).
In the summer time our front door was always open as were all the front windows and we had a nice big porch. Never once did I worry about some one breaking in. Most of the neighbors keep their houses locked up tight, heavy security “screen” doors with no screens, never open windows (someone could climb in, you know) and breathe nothing but recycled air all year long.
We’ve since moved to a small town in Washington and it is amazingly free range, even more than our neighborhood in Chicago. Our door is almost never locked during the day (especially on weekends) because the kids are constantly going in and out. I don’t even have a key for the front door so when I go out I leave it unlocked so I can get back in (I used to leave our apartment in PA unlocked, too…we lived in a small town outside of Pittsburgh).
I absolutely love it here. I was afraid we’d move here and find it was the kind of place where everyone locked their kids up and mine would be the only ones outside. But as soon as school started (2 weeks after we got here) and my kids were outside all the other kids came out and now there is a huge pack of them running around after school and on weekends. Some kids live in the trailer park on the other side of the development so the kids are running and back and forth (there is a park right between). They go from house to house looking for people to play with.
I threw an impromptu birthday party for my middle daughter a couple weeks ago. I ended up with 2 boys and 4 girls between the ages of 6 and 11 at the party…and they had just 1 day notice (one girl only found out that afternoon when my dd knocked on her door and asked if she wanted to come over for cake). The kids had a blast. The boys ended up taking off and playing in the rain and the girls hung out and played Rock Band. Out of all the kids there I’ve only met the father of 2 of the kids (on Halloween the week before after our kids have been playing together for months). It’s just an amazing neighborhood.
hello, just found your website. I have been raising “free-range kids” without knowing it for the last decade, but I love the name of the concept.
while I would not be ready to let my kids ride the subway alone, I still consider myself to have a very relaxed approach to parenting.
I have never been afraid of germs when my children were babies. as toddlers, they were playing barefooted in the sand and the dirt. I come from the school of “a little dirt never killed anyone”. I never owned a bottle of Purrell in my life.
my children have been going to the park (5 minutes from my home) without me since they were 8 years old. At around 7 years old, they knew how to use the kitchen appliances. At 10, they started biking to school and staying home alone for a few hours. they are smart, well-adjusted and independent children who are looking for more independence. to me, I’m doing a good job so far.
Hi just read your story regarding your child getting home on the subway by himself and I just wanted to tell you how much of a good idea that is…how many times do kids get seperated from their parents and are lost and scared…giving kids more confidence is SUCH an important thing. As an englishmen I suggest you are America’s most progressive Mum!
Dear Free Range Kids-
I’ve got one for you! The other day I was at the playground with my kids. It was very quiet and there were only a couple other people there: namely two friends and their kids having lunch in the pavilion. I couldn’t help overhear one of them tell the other, “I know, I know. My sister keeps telling me I should teach her [a little girl about 2 years old] to respond to a whistle. That way you don’t have to be in the store yelling, ‘[name]! [name]!’ You just have to whistle and they’ll come over.”
So here’s what I think she meant: that it is dangerous to call your kid’s name in public because a predator will hear you and use the kid’s name to gain their trust and kidnap them. And that instead, you should teach them to respond to you whistling at them. Like a dog. This struck me as too weird!! Total fear parenting.
Thanks for the work you do!
-Katie
katie_c: While your interpretation is possible, my first thought was that she just wanted to signal to her daughter without having to make a big scene in front of others.
I hope it’s not denigrating if I call my children by whistling! I just recently taught myself to whistle with my fingers in my mouth (it took me YEARS), and I was so excited, I immediately showed my kids. They were awed and thought it was cool.
Now I call them this way (in open spaces, NEVER in stores, how rude for everyone else around!), because there are four of them and they are allowed to wander quite loose. It’s just faster if I whistle (no other mum we know can do it, ha!), than if I call every name (which they can share with any other kid, btw).
I dont have kids but I still completely agree with you. I think parents shelter their kids far too much, trying to protect them from everything. I’m 18 and I know kids my age who have never stayed over at a friends house and are only now beginning to go to the mall by themselves. And the result of all this nonsense? yea, they’re alive and all, but they’re afraid to live. While some have broken away into a reckless life of sneaking out and doing EVERYTHING that they’re not supposed to do, most are simply terrified, terrified of everything, just like their parents trained them to be. There’s a certain risk on stepping out your front door, and while I know I’m a bit more extreme than most, but most things that I do for fun wouldn’t be worth doing if there wasn’t that always present possibility of injury, that’s what brings on the adrenaline rush; and that adrenaline rush is what is so much fun. Yet somehow I have survived this long. Imagine that. And I’m literate enough to write a short book in a website comment, astounding!
I was molested by my elderly babysitter’s elderly husband, so will always vet adults who are going to be around my beautiful children. Over-trust of adults you *know* is probably the greatest danger you can put your children in, in addition to not discussing with them, a lot, what is acceptable behavior from an adult, and that it is very OK to say “NO” when an adult is out-of-line. I would also most definitely step in if my child were being chronically bullied at school. They’re trapped there, and their mental state will certainly deteriorate if they are abandoned by their parents to the tender mercies of their less evolved peers. If you want to create a quivering mass of insecurity, let your children be bullied mercilessly and/or victimized by adults.
Well said, Carla Reynolds.
Man, what took me so long to post to this thread?
I “discovered” Lenore Skenazy on May 22nd 2010, when I saw an article entitled Why you should leave your kids at the park on Saturday — without supervision. I sent it to myself to read up more on later, which I did a month later. I tracked down this site and other links (this site mainly), bought her book on hardback and Kindle, and have been an active poster & follower ever since.
I let my 3½ and 1½ year-old kids explore the yard, and as they get older, I intend to let them play in the woods independently. I take them to a nearby lake and, while I swim in the lake in the deep end, I let them explore the shoreline on their own (I’m still close enough that, should something go wrong, I’m not far away, and I only go that far with it when we have the lake to ourselves, so I can actually see them). I reasonably protect them, but I don’t coddle them.
I agree with Lenore 100%, crime is not any worse now than it was 30 years ago, we just think that it is. The statistics say otherwise, as do my casual observations of all around me. I hate it when I see parents not letting their kids play in the street any at all, when I was allowed to ride my Big Wheel (a plastic tricycle) on a 55 mph road (maybe 1 car came by every minute or so) when I was 8 years old.
A parent has the right to raise their child this way without others judging and especially meddling. In my opinion, anyone who would call CPS or social services on such a family deserves any bad thing that happens to them. I know you’re not supposed to wish harm on a person, that’s tacky, but so is meddling in a parent’s right to parent their child free-range–or helicopter, even–however they feel like it.
Lenore, I know you’ve heard me say this 14 million times before, but I will say it again–you are my hero. Why? Simple. Not only do you raise Izzy with common sense, which I have no doubt will benefit him greatly with independence & benefit you and the hubby greatly with your parenting job not being so stressful, but you take the stand you do–very publicly–knowing full well how many naysayers there are.
Lenore, there are so many people out there just rooting for you to lose it. They want something horrible to happen to Izzy, because then they can say “see, I told you she was a nutjob” and “that’s what she gets for raising her kids in such an irresponsible manner.”
Lenore, it would be so easy for you to just raise Izzy in obscurity and disappear into the boonies, much as I have really. Instead, you put yourself out there, taking a stand and making hay where it needs to be made, practically becoming the de-facto face of parenting without fear. Yes you, the petite bundle of energy of a lady, who could pass for Lisa Loeb (who sung “Stay-I Missed You” in 1994) and who seems so nice & un-intimidating, there you are–serving as the face of parenting without fear in a culture full of people who root for you as I & the others do but also, unfortunately, full of many more others who root for you to fail so they can criticize all that is free-range.
It would be so easy for you to just retreat into the wilderness and raise Izzy in relative obscurity, but instead, you purposely put your face out there and rally all of us who have the same parenting mission in mind, pointing out the absurd examples but also rallying us to do what we know is right in a culture full of absurd examples.
For or Against? What do you think? For!!
LRH
Just finished reading the Free Range Kids book. As a dad of 3 boys (age 4, 6 & 8) in New Zealand, the book reinforced for me the commonsense I believe all parents should be using. It’s so easy to get drawn, often by the media or peer pressure, into a preoccupation with the ‘what ifs’, but at the end of the day I want my boys to grow up understanding and being able to manage risk while making the most of the unforgettable experience of childhood. And I see my role as, among other things, coach or facilitator, giving them the means to successfully navigate their way through childhood and beyond.
Nice article about over-controlled parenting by Kate Roiphe here in Slate http://www.slate.com/id/2275596/pagenum/all/#p2, but she seems to mix her metaphors: She includes FRK in a list of books advising parents on how to create the prefect environment for their child!
by the way that should have said ‘8’, not 8) !
🙂
Dear Free Rangers:
I think it is time to put Stranger Danger to rest. Do you have any recommendations for websites or organizations that provide safety information, safety skills and/or empowerment education to children in a balanced and positive way?
Thanks!
My 7-year-old has, on more than one occasion, made his breakfast, let his not-yet-2-y-o sister out of her room, changed her out of her wet diaper and sleeper, taken her potty, cleaned and reassembled her potty, dressed her, made her breakfast, and played with her happily for an hour, all before I woke up.
I never would ask him to do it, but he takes it on himself fairly regularly.
So not only does he go out “unsupervised” to play with the neighborhood boys on our quiet cul-de-sac, but he often takes his sister with him. The boys all take very good care of her and make sure she stays safe. She’s never gotten even a seriously scraped knee with them. If only I could say the same when I have been watching her!
A century ago, a 5-y-o would have childcare duties, and a 7-y-o would be doing a lot of help with supper, while a 10-y-o would be chopping wood. While I won’t be handing my kid an ax any time soon, more should be expected if we ever hope for our kids to grow up! Today’s child is trapped in an expanded infancy that lasts well into the teens, if not beyond. I have a very good middle aged friend who struggles now as an adult because she never really did learn to grow up as an overprotected child, and it’s a shame and a waste of potential.
MimiR, hurray for your son. We need more boys and men who are comfortable caring for children. I’d recommend him as a babysitter any day. He’s already more experienced and qualified than I was at age 12!
As a nineteen year old, I feel that kids today are being too sheltered even comparatively to a decade ago when I was one of them. My Mom taught me when I was very little how to break free from holds if I was attacked, how to get out of my window if there was a fire, and how to cook for myself. I played outside from dawn to dusk, rode my bike across town with my friends, and took care of the little kids at the bus stop. It wasn’t a big deal for me to stay home alone for an hour after school had ended – especially because I was raised to be responsible for myself and would do my homework, walk the dog, and then settle in for an afternoon of freedom and cartoons.
Albeit being raised in a small safe town, I still believe this is the way kids should be raised. To be self-reliant and responsible. Sure there are scary things out there but if they’re taught how to defend themselves and how to alert others when they’re in danger. Then a little freedom could go a long way to help them grow.
You don’t have to ignore your kid or toss them into dangerous situations to be a “free range parent”. You just need to have open communication with your child and be willing to trust them.
Our house backs onto a school playing field which a lot of the neighbors enjoy after school hours with kicking of a ball or letting their dogs play.
One late afternoon our playstation broke down so my son and a couple of friends decided to play some baseball on the field (which was empty). A teacher from the school (she must have been working late?) made the point of approaching my son and saying that she would set the police upon him if he didn’t immediately leave the field.
How frustrating that I finally get my children out and playing and an adult treats them like a criminal.
@Brian Green, man, when I read this it made my blood boil!!! If my kids had come home and told me they were told by a teacher to leave, I would have been over there in a heartbeat and in that teacher’s face, then I’d go to the principal and let him/her have it as well.
Schools are paid for out of OUR tax money and generations of kids have gone there to play, especially if there’s no where else to do so. I think it’s far better for kids to be there in full sight than skulking around and getting into mischief.
@Brian Green as long as your son was on the field and playground the teacher was out of line and short sighted. When communities use school facilities outside of school hours, it can reduce vandalism and theft. There are eyes watching out for the school. It can also help when schools are having bond elections because the whole community has a stake in the school not just those with kids.
On the other hand we have had parents “get in the face” of our principal because their children were ordered off school property and threaten with the cops. The property – was the roof of the portables and the school. We had one group of kids “locked” in the garden of our school. Our school was built in the 1960’s. It is around a central garden. The kids climbed up a tree – dropped to the roof climbed over the roof and dropped 6 – 7 feet off the overhang of the breezeway. The cops didn’t charge them because they were under 10, but they were escorted home by the cops.
Woops wanted to add the school near my sister’s house has a neat sign
This is an outdoor/PE classroom
No dogs are allowed on school days between (hours)
Pet owners are asked to clean up after their dogs.
All dogs must be on leashes when on school property.
Now at first glance you would think the school was trying to keep people out. There is a large iron fence with lockable gates. But that is actually to keep neighborhood dogs that run free, out of the school yard. The gates are never locked.
Hi Kimberly – kids on roofs – that sounds bad. Admittedly, as a kid, I used to love new construction as it was really fun to climb all over. I was in an outer suburb and there was a lot of it. I knew I would get in trouble if caught though.
This is a little different as the school was allowed to build the field in our area on the condition the neighborhood could use it on off hours. Well – I need to call the school as it is the second time this woman has accosted our kids. Ideally I could meet her and discuss the issue with her and see what her real concerns are.
@Brian in addition to bringing up the agreement point out that the neighborhood using the school after hours helps keep the school safe. The teacher might have come from a different school, and not know about the agreement.
Love your advice, Lenore! I’m a mother of 3 young ones & was motivated to try & attain free-range status after reading your book. One of my more free-range moments involved leaving my 2yo son strapped into his carseat in the car (doors locked, car off, fine weather) while I walked his 4yo sister into her church preschool class. One of my friends saw my husband do the same thing & told me later “I’m not sure if you knew your husband did this or not, but I thought I should tell you. My husband would go nuts if he found out I left the kids in the car alone.” Guessing she didn’t support my free-range effort…
Sarah, at least your friend was friendly and polite about it.
FOR! I am buying a copy of your book for my neighbor, a new mom, who insisted on parenting my boys this summer (ages 6 & 10 at the time) while I was sitting right beside her. “Make sure you look both ways!” They know this. “Be careful on your bike!” They know this too. And if/when they fall down, I have Band-Aids and Neosporin. “Don’t ride in the middle of the street!” There were no cars, if there were, they’d move over.
We live in a college town in Iowa, population 35,000 or so. My youngest rides his bike to a park 4 blocks away, all by himself. Both boys ride their bikes to the local sub shop (6 blocks away) to buy me day old bread. They make their beds, put clean dishes away, vacuum, and the youngest even LOVES doing laundry. They are good kids who are going to make great, independent adults.
FOR!!
I remember thinking as a child My parents watch the news a little too much. Why? Because I had figured out that the news was scaring them a little too much. If I wanted to go play outside, I had to stay within visible distance of our house, which basically meant our very tiny front yard.
I was never allowed to go anywhere by myself, ever. Even now, as a legal adult, my parents feel much, much safer if I am home before dark, and only go places with people I know.
Why? Because I might get abducted, raped, killed, or God only knows what else. Even as a kid, I remember thinking, “Yeah, right. Because that happens to people.” I have yet to personally know someone who has been abducted or raped. Of course, should I ever be sarcastic about it, my parents’ eyes go wide with fear as they start to list the events they’ve heard of, either as adults working in the medical field, or on the news.
When I saw your book at the library, I had to read it. I fully intend to give my future children what I still don’t actually have: freedom.
@S.Abe I feel your pain. A few years ago I moved in with my grandmother to keep her company after my step grandfather died, and she still is so paranoid from what she sees on TV and won’t listen to reason. She still thinks if I exercise in weather that isn’t perfect I’ll get very ill ( either pneumonia if its under 65 degrees or heat stroke if its over 80 degrees). Also she fears that some weirdo will kidnap me for prostitution ( despite me being 40 pounds overweight, in my 30’s, and having eczema) . Its drives me nuts, but I can’t let her old overprotective ways get to me as it was hard being the only kid in my neighborhood who couldn’t do anything on her own. When I can I’ll have to get the book so I can see how to make my future children independent and not anxious like me.
Definitely for!! I just finished the book and wish I’d known about it sooner. Then maybe I wouldn’t have second guessed myself so much. Such as when I let my seven year old walk home by himself from the school bus (even though my neighbors warn me repeatedly about the dangers of child snatchers who could be lurking around in our rural, small town neighborhood). Or when I let my kids eat raw cookie dough and cake batter (even though my sister told me I was putting their lives at risk). I also suspect there have been a few times when friends have decided not to let their kids play at my house because I don’t stay outside with them in the yard the whole time.
But I have held my ground and am occasionally rewarded with evidence that my children (ages seven and four) are doing just fine with the freedom they have. The other day I watched out the window as my son ran home from the school bus. He ran as if he were being chased by a swarm of hornets and darted off the road into the tall grass in our neighbors yard. When I asked him what was wrong he said, “Oh nothing. I was just pretending that I was Indiana Jones trying to escape a huge boulder that was about the squish me.” Music to my ears!
Thank you so much, Lenore, for starting this movement. I only pray it takes off while my children are still young. Maybe then they’ll have some friends to run home from the bus stop with.
Didn’t realize this was a movement but I have been referring to my parenting style as free range for a while. Other parents seem to think I am lax but I have watched my naturally timid son develop confidence in himself.
@mimi
I totally agree about how people don’t expect much from kids any more. I’ve been saying that for years and get a ton of flack because I expect so much from my kids and they almost always step up to the plate.
When my 4yo was a one the older kids (4 1/2, 5 1/2 and 7) would get her out of the crib, give her breakfast and entertain her until I got up (usually an hour later when she started whining about needing a diaper change…they weren’t that great with diapers). The older kids have been getting their own breakfast since the oldest was 5.
They are now 10, 9, 8 and 4 1/2. On Saturday when the baby (5 months) wakes up my husband takes him into the living room where the older kids are watching TV (having long since had breakfast), makes a bottle and passes the baby off to the kids. They feed him, change him and entertain him so we can get an extra couple hours of sleep. They love it.
The 3 older kids (2 girls with a boy in the middle) take turns changing his diapers and the 8yo will do it without being asked. She’ll see he needs to be changed and just do it.
The 3 older kids can do their own laundry and I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that’s mean and horrible to expect them to do those things for themselves. I don’t get it. And when my oldest complained last year about having to clean her room I told her that 100 years ago she would have been getting up at the crack of dawn to milk the cows, feed the horses, collect the eggs and then she would be helping make breakfast. Then she would have to walk several miles to school, do her classes, come home, do homework before doing more chores or taking care of the younger kids. All I wanted her to do was clean up the mess SHE made.
I’m just baffled every time I read something where someone says a kid can’t do that because they are just too young and incapable of such tasks. Kids are so much smarter than people give them credit for.
Parents today push school smarts, forcing kids to learn to read at 3 and spend 4 years in preschool it seems but they refuse to allow them to learn basic street smarts and life skills until they are teenagers. It’s like they want to cripple them to keep them at home.
http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/parenting/the-controversial-costume-that-outraged-moms-made-boy-happy-blog-46-shine.html
http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/
Awesome mother!
SO for! I have always been this kind of parent but since reading your blog I feel so much less guilty about it. I also find it just so much easier and enjoyable to go places with my kids when I am not feeling obligated to helicopter them. For example, I took my 4- and 5-year olds to a fast food place for lunch today. Before reading your blog, I would have felt like I needed to make them stay right next to me as I waited on the longish line, or risk being thought of as a bad mom – I honestly never really had the fear that anything would happen to them, just that other people might think I was not doing enough to keep them safe! But today I sent them to find a good table, and the 4-year-old sat at the table while his sister got straws and napkins, and then they played together and waved at me until I came over with the food. Liberating! For them and me! 110% better than listening to them whine and yelling at them to stay close to me, and they were so proud of them selves. Total win. Thank you!!!
For, for, for. Like the commenter above, I have long felt like kids do well with a little space to explore, learn and yes even make mistakes!!! I too am intimidated by the likely reactions of those around me (hence why I am uncomfortable leaving a sleeping four year old and an awake 7 year old in the car while I pick up my dry cleaning, even though the 7 year old begs me “can’t I just stay here and read my book?” Also, the school irks me. We have our first snow today, and my daughter informed me that the kids aren’t allowed to throw snowballs at recess. Really??? How about you tell the snowball throwing kids to move away from those that don’t want to get pelted. Maybe it’ll improve their throwing and save their parents some money on a pitching coach when they’re 11.
Some good things though – said 7-year old walks home from school (about half a mile – crosses two big streets with crossing guards) with her freinds most of the time. She loves it! She begged to do it yesterday while it was cold and snowy! It’s good exercise! I am very much looking forward to when her younger brother starts kindergarten at the same school – then the two of them can walk back and forth together, leaving me free to ride my bike the 4 miles to my office instead of driving. Everyone wins. She also has two freinds that live in our neighborhood, and to my endless delight we have a neighborhood culture that encourages unstructured playdates – the kids run around together; a while at this house, a while at that house – whosever parent is around keeps an eye out. I am 100% convinced that this kind of playing is how kids learn to get along with each other; without a well-meaning grownup getting in the way “don’t you think it’s Susie’s turn to use your xxx now?” “Jodi, you have to play WITH your friends if they are here.” I would totally be that Mom -feeling responsible for little girls having fun – if their playtime was more formal. Even though I know kids have to figure these things out for themselves. So much better that they run aruond without my interference.
Keep up the good work, Lenore. My kids and I are on your side!
Hi Lenore, here’s one for ya.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/boy-13-busted-illegal-marker-possession
I’m very much for free range parenting. I’m always looking for opportunities to allow my daughter to learn a lesson on her own vs. being ‘told’ by me.
This isn’t free range, but it meshes- when she was 12, we were playing the Cashflow game. She was getting a little bored, because it was going easy. Her finances were based on her $100/month she earned at our business. Then she ended up buying a big screen tv. That hurt her finances, but it didn’t kill her. She grumbled, but it wasn’t a big deal. But then she had a baby and that pushed her into bankruptcy. Without me preaching, moralizing, threatening, etc, she saw what can happen if you have a kid before you have your finances in order. We backed the game up to the point she didn’t have the tv and kid and she thrived. She’s almost 16 and has become a such a smart, confident young woman- in part because she’s free-range.
Every time I come to this site I feel more confident in my beliefs. Please continue leading the charge! Happy Holidays, Lenore!
All for free rangers.
Hi,
What a great site, saying all the things i think, is the best way to describe your site.
Love the stranger in Mall blog. In fact most children are more at risk from family and friends then strangers.
Well done on being you and saying it as it is. I’m off to buy your book.
I have a website in Australia called http://www.parentswisdom.com.,au and would like to out your link on our resources page if thats ok.
Thanks Tracey
I am completely for free range parenting and continually frustrated by friends and family who act as if I am playing fast and loose with my children’s safety. Here is my absured, over-protective, Christmas story. My mom (who seemed very free range when I was a child) gave my 3 kids, ages 9, 6, and 4 roller skates for Christmas. The old-fashioned kind with 4 wheels. She asked that I bring their helmets to her house in anticipation of the gift. As soon as the skates hit the pavement and my kids started wobbling around (none know how to skate) she began to fret. “I don’t know, Jenee’. They might fall.” What? Are you kidding? Of course they are going to fall. They’re learning to roller skate! She was seriousy wanting to take away the skates to keep them from falling and getting hurt. I just sort of rolled my eyes and encouraged my kids to get up and keep trying when they did fall. What I wanted to say but didn’t was, “Of course they are going to fall. I want them to fall and even get hurt (a little). That’s how they will learn they they can do hard things, overcome difficulties and become people of character.” I’m still trying to figure out how she thought a 4 year old was going to learn to skate without falling down. And by the way, all 3 kids had a blast, falls and all and no one ever even cried. I love Christmas.
Hi,
Love your xmas day skate story Jenee lyn.
I recently let my 5 year old walk down to the neighbours house which is down our dirt rd in the country. The house is about 300 metres away and i can see him on the dirt rd from the kitchen window. The neighbour walked him back home again because she was worried about him being hit by a car. This is a private country rd where there is little traffic. This child is good with rd safety and sticks to the side of the rd.
What i was left with was one big dose of mother guilt, then i started to question my intuition maybe it was too much for a saftey alert 5 year old to do.
That was until i saw his face he was so proud of himself, utterly chuffed that he went all by himself to the neighbours to deliver some muffins.
Please everybody chill a little so our kids can learn like we did with some freedom to explore.
I don’t have a direct link because my husband sent it from work. It’s a Bloomberg News story. Trophies for All (pisses me off that even the losers get trophies) deals specifically with Free-Range Kids but you will enjoy the whole story. Wussy White House Needs Good Snowball Fight: Margaret Carlson
2010-12-30 02:00:45.0 GMT
My sons were born in 1975 and 1977 and I can remember the “participation” trophies for the various sports they played. When they packed up their belongings to go to college/leave the nest, the only trophies they took with them were the ones for first place. I asked them why and they said the other ones didn’t mean anything.
However, I have an even better one than this – there is a web site http://www.momsteam.com/team-of-experts/brooke-de-lench/editorials/debating-the-wisdom-of-cuts-from-school-sports-programs
The chick running this site feels that there should be NO cuts on school athletic teams, no matter how much it costs, so that it won’t damage the child’s self-esteem.
When my boys were young I used to coach their soccer and baseball teams. I can remember the kids who showed up to play who would rather be home pulling the wings off flies and eating them than shagging fly balls, however, to daddy and mommy insisting their darling was a super star and should play the whole game. AAAGGHHH!
My son is 10 and in 5th grade. He rides his bike to school everyday except band day. The school is very supportive and actually placed a crossing guard at the busiest street that needs to be crossed. My son LOVES the freedom and he saves a lot of time not waiting on the terrible excuse for a bus company we have in our town.
You’re the best no matter what they say. It’s about time someone stood up to the fear mongers. I grew up in NYC. When I was in the 4th grade I would have to walk 3 blocks to the subway, go a few stops, and then transfer to a bus to get to school. I did this ALONE. I would do this again to get home, 5 days a week, about 360 trips alone per school year. I didn’t have even one scary experience doing this. This was a common experience and we had school passes issued by the transit authority. I even enjoyed the experience, it made me feel grown up, capable, confident and responsible. And believe it or not we did have crime and weirdo’s in NYC back then, so we were told by our parents what to watch out for, what to do if we thought we were in danger, and to not be afraid. In other words we were taught to deal with life. It was a valuable lesson.
Okay well not sure if it’s on here somewhere this is my first time visiting this site, butone of the owrst examples that comes to mind recently is when Jamie Oliver did his show where went into a town to help them improve their diets and lose weight. He went into the elementary school and one day made something I don’t remember what – Well they didn’t know how the kids were going to eat them because the cafeteria only had spoons – because they might hurt themselves with forks and knives!!! ! I will say the principal came through and provided the kids with silverware (which most didn’t know how to use, but that’s another story!) The irony being that most the kids were overweight and living on a diet of chicken McNuggets frankly their lifestyles were more dangerous than a knife and fork!!!
Hi
Response to Blueegg,
Love this example and love Jamie as well (secret crush).
I too remember this episode i loved it, but it left me flabbergasted, what kids can’t use knives and folks oh dear this told me things were not quite right in our world. I love your comment about chicken nuggets, lets slowly poison them instead.
I think the thing i have come to realise is that kids can enjoy the things we did, they don’t go without rules and what if safety plans, so it’s not like we are saying go and play in the traffic, balance the adventure against the actual risk and don’t let our anxieties as adults rule our kids already limited world. Love you jamie.
I often read your posts and use them as inspiration. Here’s my lovely story of a free-range moment where nothing happened, just as I’d hoped: in the middle of the grocery check-out line, my son (3 yrs) announced that he had to use the bathroom. Usually I take him, but this time the timing was not right, and he REALLY had to go. So I sent him with his sister (6 yrs), just waiting for someone to chastise me for letting them venture off alone. An appropriate amt. of time passed and they returned, unscathed and without comment from anyone. Success!!!
Having just watched you on the Dr. Phil Show , my wife and I both agree, there is no way in hell we would let our daughter who is 8 do what you did with your child. New York or not the problem with kids these days is that they do not have enough adult supervision. What a dumb irresponsible thing to do. Child services should take your kids
I don’t necessarily agree with letting a 9 year old take the subway alone, but I do let my 12 year old take the train alone. He is a very responsible child, more responsible than my 16 year old. I took the train with him 1 time and after that he felt comfortable by himself to take it. He gets dropped off by a family member at the station, he is watched as he boards the train then I pick him up at our station. He has his cell phone if he needs to get a hold of me. I feel it depends on the child. If you discuss issues that may arise, they should be able to handle it.
whiskey, Lenore has statistics, crime rates, and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Kids on her side.
Teaching our children to BECOME responsible means we have to let them take the reins now and then. Were YOU hovered over as a kid constantly?
Read the book. You may be pleasantly surprised. I sure as hell was!
YAY!!!! i am 100% FOR freerange kids. i have raised 4 of them-just didn’t have a name for it until now! my children range in age from 27 to 15 and all are strong, self-confident problem-solvers. despite being raised in a small town, they have travelled the world, can navigate public transportation (and have been able to since 10-12 years old) are fearless of new people and experiences. i strongly believe (and know that they all agree) that their lives are richer because of being given the freedom, and opportunities to prove themselves, and in-turn learn to trust themselves. i also believe that my children are less likely to become victims, or find themselves in harm’s way because they are so confident, self possessed and can problem-solve so reliably.
thank you for being a voice of sanity!!!
I totally agree with giving kids the freedom we had. When my son was in first grade he was allowed to walk three blocks to school along with two friends whom were in first and second grade. They made it safely there and back everyday. He is now 12 and very responsible and independent. My daughter is 9 and walks herself two blocks to her bus to get to school. They both know how to ride the train and bus alone and get to their destination safely. I have taught them about the dangers that are out there, but if I don’t teach them to rely on themselves they will always look for someone to do it for them or assist them. My mom gave me my brothers and sister lots of freedom at 5 years old I could walk two blocks and cross two streets to get to my cousins house alone. My kids can cook meals for themselves if hungry and even get up in the morning and head out to school without me having to drag them out of bed. Some mornings I over sleep due to being up with a baby and when I get up the kids have left for school. Independence is the key to a normal life. Helicopter parents are crazy and over protective. This will cause the child to grow into a person who will always depend on someone for help.
I completely agree with your free-range way of raising kids. We raised our two sons for 7 years in Brussels, Belgium. When our oldest son was in the 6th grade at an International School, all of the kids in his grade level were sent on an Explorer field trip. When they got to school that morning, each small group was given a destinaton they had 4 hours to reach, each one requiring the children to use trams, buses and a map, all of the city. They do this every year to get the kids good at using public transportation (gasp) on their own. It was a great day and none of the kids got lost.
The other story I wanted to tell you was again with my sons, when they were 14 and 9, we were in Hyde Park in downtown London, playing lacrosse. Both boys started acting very badly, so I sent them back to our hotel, on their own, through the tube system. They had to change trains twice and travel 45 minutes. As this was the very first time, I came behind them 5 minutes, to check if they made their way. A police officer asked me if I was looking for two “yank” boys, I said I was, he told me “they double checked their tube changes and were on their way….do not worry, they are fine”. And he was right, they were fine, and now know they can do such a thing! We now live in a small town in the midwest. Both boys are now strong, capable young men (16 and 11) who are more confident than their classmates, I’m so very glad they were in a school where they gave them the room to grow up!
I always thought I was way over protected, but I’ve come to realize I was, in fact, a very free range kid, by your standards! I remember the summer my family moved across town… I was eleven, my sister seven. My parents worked. I “babysat” all summer. What actually happened, was my mom drew me a makeshift map, and we explored. We found our new schools, every park within about five kilometres, and made friends.
Our town was just a bit too small for a public transportation system, and my mother (nor the mothers of my friends) was not about to drive us everywhere, so we walked. It was a twenty minute walk, to the closest friend’s house. Then she and I would walk for hours, collecting others, then ending up at a mall or something similar. It was what we did. We were home for dinner, or before the streetlights came on.
And in our town, god forbid, you said hi to every person you walked past. Maybe even had a conversation with them. Young, old, whatever. If you were walking, and they were walking, it would be terribly rude not to say hello. And, believe it or not, nothing ever happened.
My fiancee and I have nothing but positive stories of our adventures around town with our friends as children. I hope to god we will raise our children the same way.
Thank you for this blog… Apparently I may need support if I wish to raise my children “free-range”! What a joke!
–Cera
PS: I’m only nineteen years now. This really was not very long ago! Oh, and I’m in my third year of university, hours away from “home”. Thank you mom for the fierce independence which allowed me to leave for uni at seventeen… and the ability to explore. The new city DID have a public transportation system… I’d never been on a bus or subway before, but I had no car, and I had places to go.. I explored once again. It was fantastic.
This comment is in response to Whiskey (Can’t imagin you would put your real name up after your awful comments.)
If your a parent how could you say something so awful to another parent? “Child services should take your kids”, do you seriously have a heart?
I think you summed up my opinon of you when you said “the problem with kids these days”There is no problem with kids these days just smalled minded adults who can’t widen their view enough to consider other view points. Best of luck with your parenting. I would be keen to hear your soltuions to “the problem children and their parents of today”. Are you soltions backed up by evidence or fear.
Please consider reading the book, who knows you just might learn something.
A big well done Lenore for spreading the word on National TV brilliant job you go girl.
I will be spreading it all over the place here in the great southern Land. 🙂
I am neither a “helicopter or Free Range” mom, I am just a mom. I feel that both of those parenting styles are extreme. Extreme of anything is not good. Where is common sense. I would not allow my children to ride their bikes down our road because the mph is 55, tractor trailers, cars, not to mention if someone was to stop there would not be anyone to notice that something had happened. Nor would I take them to NYC and let them find their way around. That would be unfamiliar to them. I have a son who traveled from the east coast across the pond to Europe when he was 15, there has to be common sense in parenting, not extremes. FREE RANGE, let’s leave that to chickens, even though if you go by Government regulations free range is just having the coop door open for so many hours a day the chickens don”t have to go out the door just needs to be open. Let’s leave the barnyard terms there and keep our kids safe without extremes on either end.
As a statistician, this exaggerated fear has been a pet peeve of mine for years. The things people worry about will (statistically) never happen — yet it controls their lives. I worry about cars (statistically our kids are far more likely to be hurt by or in a car) and obesity (because our fear is causing an entire generation of kids to sit at home inactively).
I live in a neighborhood that is incredibly safe yet no kids are allowed out. It is too sad.
I completely agree with Karen. I work in drug education and the staistics never reflect what is reported in the news. Trying to convince people that alcohol is actually the most harmful drug in Australia is a uphill battle becuase alcohol isn’t really sexy enough for the news. They would prefer to report on that one death in a 1000 from ecstasy, not the 100 from alcohol. (although always the optomists i am seeing a slight shift here in Australia there is still hope.
I use to operate from a place of fear because it was easy to do so rather than look at the evidence. I would love to see evidence based practice taught to our kids so they can choose whats rubbish and whats not when they read the newspaper.
It is sad that kids are not allowed out, are we creating more harm than good if we keep them inside “safe” from the world?
Just wanted to share that my free range child of 11 just rang a berry farm in the holidays to find a job so he can buy a cricket bat. He rang and starts 9am Monday what a proud free ranger i am.
Being a European pediatrician just relocated to NY I cannot tell you enough how much I enjoyed your book. Coming from a country where children can run free and still have a childhood like we all had in the 70s, I have been shocked to witness the insanity that has taken over many parents here.
You speak sense and sanity and I will happily recommend your book to all my friends and parents of little people.
Thank you!
My twin sons are now 15 and have always loved the Lord of the Rings books.
When they were younger (about 8 or 9) they often played LOTR games in the garden, complete with bows and arrows they’d dreamt up and made themselves.
When the first bows (made from carefully chosen sticks found in the backyard) and arrows (wooden skewers from the kitchen drawer) were finished, I realised they were potentially dangerous so I had to make a decision – to allow them or not?
I chose to make rules about them (shoot only at the big tree and your brother must be beside you when you shoot) and let them at it. They understood the reasons for the rules and I didn’t stay outside and supervise.
Friends who came to play were thrilled and were duly told the rules.
The response from other parents was astounding. They were all horrified, rather than impressed – as I was – by my sons’ ingenuity.
The boys had loads of fun with their bows and arrows and no-one was ever injured.
i am a proud free-ranger from aus and i was so before i heard of Lenore or her awesome challenge with her son. my kids all under 9 ride /walk / scooter to school, each cooks family dinner 1 night a week and there are plenty of chores to do, and no mention of pocket money to reward them for making their beds! the kids have been outside playing in the rain on the road all day, having a ball, and it reminds me of my childhood. Independent, socially well adjusted, contributors to society, who show initiative and will be highly employable – thats what i’m raising, not 25yr old babies that ring mum when their boss yells at them or someone is mean to them!
My young son fascinated (as I once was) with fire often found ways to set things on fire. From lava lamps to putting bits of paper in an electric heater he would find a way. On 3 occasions he came very close to burning the house down. I decided enough was enough and as punishment and discussing the dangers was not working I had to do something.
I gathered my three kids together and made an agreement that they can play with fire if I am there to supervise and there is a bucket filled with water to either put out the fire or use on burns if any as well as several other precautions. They now have a healthy respect for fire and how very unpredictable it can be.
They have endured minor burns but have thoroughly enjoyed themselves and the dangerous unsupervised fire playing has stopped. In fact the kids have all but lost interest and happy just toasting marsh mellows from time to time.
Many parents (including I suspect many of you) were horrified that I let the kids play with fire. The fact is that without this approach I could guarantee that sooner or later they would have done serious damage to themselves or to the house. Many suggest they they need better supervision but it is impossible to supervise 3 kids (8-10) 100% of the time. Not exactly a freerange story but more of a story about the unwarranted backlash from many who just could not accept that some activities are just not that scary as we have recently been made to believe.
I also believe that as they get older and on their own they will be better able to use fire wisely and safely.
I would however be very anxious sending them off alone on public transport which is odd because I travelled many miles on buses and trains alone at a much younger age. Hats of to Lenore. Might ask the kids if they are up for a challenge.
Wow. I am not a free range parent, but I don’t understand the helicopter parents, either. By the time my daughter was two, she was allowed to watch TV by herself in the living room, or play with her own toys alone in her room. Once I walked in there to find her gasp! eating a crayon. When she was three and four we lived with my mom in the country, and we let her play alone in the yard. She loved to splash in puddles, and once she ran back in screaming because she had a slug on her. A slug the size of a grain of rice. The horror.
We moved to a nice neighborhood at the end of a long driveway near downtown when she was 5; a little girl her age lived two doors down. She was allowed to go over to her friend’s house all by herself.
Now she’s nine, and we live in kind of a rough neighborhood again, right off of a busy street. We don’t let her go out front alone, not in this neighborhood, though we tell her in an emergency she can walk to my aunt’s house two blocks away.
If she ended up downtown alone I’m sure she’d be okay. She still goes to school in our old neighborhood, and if she wanted to walk to a friend’s house after school there it would be okay. She goes to the bathroom in stores and restaurants by herself. I’d let her take a bus ride with a group of friends her age. I’d feel better if she took a karate class first, though.
I think I’ll look into your book and show my husband and see if we do things any differently.
Justin, I’m intrigued. I respect your decision, and recall how two of my three daughters liked playing with matches, candles, and incense. I finally let them, pretty much the same as you. I joked that my youngest would become a priest in the Orthodox church because of her love of incense. She’s now 14 and Over It.
Your post reminded me of the obsession about plastic bags. I suspect the kids-and-plastic-bags rule evolved in the 1950s, and referred to that clingy plastic used by dry cleaners. I don’t see how today’s thicker grocery bags could possible suffocate anyone — even an infant — unless they were deliberately tied around the child’s neck. I just don’t see the harm in a toddler putting an open grocery bag over her head. What could possibly happen? Those things won’t cling to anything as far as I can see.
SkyFire, way to go. I like your comment about karate. Sign her up!
LOVE this!!! Thank you! It’s been so insightful and enlightening in so many respects.
Check out the website I’ve posted. It’s not mine. It’s a blog that I keep thinking of when I read your blog. It’s hard to explain why, so just check it out!!!
This description may sum it up: “Because a playground doesn’t have to cost a million bucks and come in a box. In fact, it’s better if it doesn’t.”
http://myprincessboy.com/index.asp
Another Awesome Mother.
Thank you so much for your book and insights! I enjoy my “me time” at your blog each week too. If only I’d found it sooner (like when I was buying all that junk when pregnant with my first child).
You’ve helped me look at some things in a different light (not all strangers ARE bad) and really helped re-affirm how I’m raising my kids isn’t such a bad thing… ie: letting my 3 yr old go “solo” (without a parent) to a birthday party her nearly 6 yr old sister was also attending, along with 20 something school friends and half a dozen known friends/parents. One mum (not even there, but a pen friend) criticised me, all parents actually attending gave thumbs up.
I grew up in rural Northern Australia in an area that literally DOES have some of the most venemous snakes and spiders, crocodiles, wild pigs, etc. Our “backyard” was a little bit of lawn and then hectares of natural bush and, from age about 7 (when we bought it), the only rules were don’t get lost and be home by sunset.
Now living in suburbia in a safer part of Aus (not so many of those snakes and spiders and no crocs or wild pigs) I find your book a good refresher to say “hey, I survived and hardly ever saw anything THAT dangerous, my 3 and their tame backyard can too”.
Thank you so much for helping me remember freedom and allowing my kids to roam with it. 🙂
Janis.
As happy as I am that you’ve publicized this cause, I am equally un-happy that you have. I’ve been ranting about statistics versus reality for years, but it was mostly in regards to more adult concerns like international travel safety, terrorism, violent crime, etc. The problem is that since I don’t have kids as of yet (trying), I wasn’t aware of how ridiculous it has become. Little stories of insanity here and there, but I had no idea. All the commenters on this board have made me painfully aware of how nuts we’ve become – these stories of judgemental neighbors/parents, citations for neglect, ostracization (you can’t play with their kids) and so on – that scares me much more than abduction. I want my kids to grow up similar to the way I did, but I’m afraid that’s not possible in U.S. anymore.
Two years ago, my wife and I ended our 18 month trip around the world, focused most of the time on underdeveloped countries. I’ve been slightly depressed since we got back and chalked it up to post travel blues. But, I’ve had a realization recently. I’ve also been suffering from withdrawal from interaction with kids. India, Indonesia, southeast Asia, China, Africa = kids, kids, kids. They followed us, held our hands, played games with us, dragged us around, scammed us, swarmed us, stared at us, touched our hair and skin, warmed our hearts and made us smile like crazy. Many of these kids had “real” problems and much more responsibility (picture 5 yr olds with infants strapped to their back). They make you realize the intelligence and capability of children while still having the ability to laugh. Kids are a human treasure that I’m afraid we are hoarding away out of fear.
Lenore –
You have great courage taking on all the collective judgment of our country’s paranoid parental philosophies; please keep up the good fight. I stop in from time to time and read your other articles and links, even though they are frustrating sometimes (i.e. crib recall – sheer madness). Your article about men being assumed evil was the one that made me realize how much I missed interacting with those international kids – I’ve seen the dagger eyes too many times in this country to even bother – but somehow didn’t realize how much it was affecting me. Some of our best travel memories / photos / videos were with children. I’m a big, strong guy and my best asset with kids is the ability to physically interact with them, spinning them, throwing them in the air, letting them hang off my arms. I can’t even imagine that scenario in the U.S. I’ve always pictured myself coaching kids when I have my own and maybe even becoming a teacher, but I’ve lost all motivation in this climate. It’s a great loss to society when good role models are discouraged from this kind of work because of the hassle. How do I teach a young kid how to swing a bat without any physical contact? Absurd. I’m picturing all the great coaches that I had in my life and it makes me sad.
Hoping that your site will help me remind my wife when we have kids – she will likely have more paranoia than I will. You remind me a lot of myself, except my focus has been on paranoia of international travel, terrorists and life in general. The analogies to free range kids are endless. Maybe I should call it ‘free range adults’? Friends/relatives were fearful for us during our trip and asked questions like ‘aren’t you worried about terrorists / kidnapping?’. Like your stories, I would try to explain that risks can be managed, are most often overblown, and that such events are extremely rare. The real threats to our well-being were less glamorized, but much more likely to happen (traffic accidents, disease, lack of building safety, natural disasters, robbery). I was scared on some bus rides in crowded countries with 40 yr old poorly maintained buses, on terrible mountain roads, with maniacal drivers trying to beat the clock; this fear was legitimate and a risk we took. But, terrorists? Not much sense in spending energy worrying about a statistically insignificant possibility. Yet, it still came up frequently from our U.S. contacts.
I’ll recommend your book / philosophy / website to as many parents as I can, but unfortunately, I don’t have much standing yet without children of my own.
Best wishes – Joel
I just found this website tonight and I’m so glad that I did. In some ways I feel that my husband and I are already raising a free range kid. He is 11 and stays home alone sometimes while we go to the grocery store or other places. I let him go to the game store in the mall while I shop for clothes. He is perfectly capable of preparing food for himself within limits. We’re building up to actual “cooking.” He plays outside in our neighborhood with friends for hours and rides his bike on the smaller roads in our area. He is also very mature. I have rarely had to tell him to clean his room. He’s naturally orderly. He does his homework every afternoon without having to be asked to do it. He understands right and wrong and generally chooses right. He makes mistakes like all kids do and he learns from him. My husband and I often tell people that he is a small adult, not really a kid. We take him places with us when others would likely hire a babysitter. Our son goes out to dinner with us and other adults and he goes over to our friends houses. He can hold his own in most conversations and knows how to behave in public. I’m very interested in further pursuing the “free range” concept. I feel like we were already on the way to raising him this way without really knowing what it was. We just had him at a pretty young age and never “babied” him like a lot of other parents do with their children. We didn’t have time to be overprotective. We were just making our way in the world and he kind of had to come along with us at a more advanced pace than most little ones. He’s at a place now where I’m not so sure what comes next in terms of freedom and independence vs. the fears I have of raising a middle school child. This is the age at which I feel I have the least amount of confidence in getting him through. I will most definitely be buying the book as soon as I can get my hands on it. I want more ideas on how to continue raising my free range kid so he can grow up to be independent and confident and a leader among his peers. Thanx so much for making me feel like I’m not the only person around who thinks my kid can learn to think for himself and make his own decisions. 😉
Connie, sounds like you’re doing fine so far. You’re correct that middle school is really the last stop before young adulthood. Just keep him talking…about drugs, sex, stuff in the newspaper. And let him hear your views w/o lecturing. And be there for him when he falls down, not to judge, but to comfort and support. You’ll find your way.
A grandparent (not mine) I know summed this up well for me recently: Your job as a parent is NOT to protect your child from all of the evils and accidents in this world. Because you can’t. It’s impossible to do. Your job as a parent is to PREPARE YOUR CHILD to handle these situations on their own in such a way that minimizes the impact any bad situations will have on their lives.
Love everything you have to offer Lenore. The only problem is, as you and so many others here have mentioned, is trying to raise a Free Range kid in a paranoid “Well, I just watched Nancy Grace and blah, blah, blah” world we live in today. I’m sick of my paranoid friends implying that I somehow don’t love my child or have the same primal protection instincts over my child that they do because I’m not constantly instilling “stranger danger” and other paranoia into my child’s life. I’m raising my girl to be aware, not anxiety-ridden. I’m raising her to take care, but never to be afraid. That is no way to live.
Keep up the good, important work. You are making a difference in the best way possible.
Oh, and to Cyn–love your quote from that grandparent. It sums it all up just perfectly, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing that.
Love it! Finally, a place of sanity in a nutso world of over paranoid hyper viligent parents! I guess I am raising my kids Free-Range, just never realized there was a name for it. I let my boys 7 and 9 ride their bikes to school. It’s less than a mile door to door and they are in sight of a crossing guard the whole way, but moms think I am crazy. The moms in my neighborhood are obsessed about kids not eating any “junk food” to prevent obesity, I always thought that if they just let their kids go outside and run around a little, they could relax about the junk food and still have a child who is at a healthy weight. One day a week I take my daughter (4) to ballet and so the boys come home, let themselves in and hang out until I get back – about a half hour later. I have never told anyone that they are home alone because I would probably get put away for child neglect.LOL. I should say, I have a neighbor next door who is an amputee, he is ALWAYS home, the boys know that if there is a problem or a fire they should go outside (Duh!) and call help from the neighbor’s house.
Here is a good story to show how crazy we have become about kidnapping. Last summer, we took friends of ours to our cabin in north central PA, it is REALLY in the boonies, we get maybe 5 cars that drive past the cabin a day. While we were eating dinner, their son and my son (both 6) wondered away. I noticed they were missing, we started calling their names and there was no answer. My friend immediatly assumed they were kidnapped-seriously- not a single car had driven past while we were eating, but obviously the boys were snatched right from under our noses. Instead of actually LOOKING for the boys, she was ready to drive to a place where there was cell service to call the police. Since she was clearly panicked and not thinking clearly, god bless her, my husband and I ignored here and started climbing the wooded hill which seemed the likeliest spot for 2 boys to head. Needless to say, we found them about 3 minutes later. Shockingly they were NOT kidnapped but were just being boys. They heard us calling and chose to not answer. This provided a good LEARNING opportunity to explain to the boys why they can’t just go wandering off…
So anyway, glad to find your site and read your book. Hopefully the pendulum will begin to swing back to a logical place!
I am not a parent but have recognized with dismay this trend toward over protecting kids in the past couple of decades. This was brought home to me recently when I was out riding my bike (another prohibited activity for many kids these days) and came upon a couple of men and several kids who were staring up at a radio controlled plane that was caught about 25 to 30 feet up in the branches of an alder tree. They were perplexed at what to do about it and had one boy in the lowest branch poking helplessly at it with a stick that was way too short.
The tree wasn’t super easy to climb, but any boy from my childhood would have been up it without a second thought. I got their permission to try and had it free in 5 minutes. The parents and kids both thought it was a big deal and were very thankful, which seemed really strange.
I told them I was 54 years old and have wanted an excuse to climb a tree for years!
intuitiveNutrition, you’re right on, but I have a pet peeve: Instead of “…they were just being boys”, how about “they were just being kids”?
Repeat: “Kids will be kids”…
Hi Robert,
I love your story i can picture a cartoon in the local newspaper depicting this. My boys are fortunate enough to live where there are great climbing trees. Recently some friends came over for a bbq and my 5 year old had taken the 6 year old friend and was going to teach him to climb a tree. The mum looked worried because her son had not climbed a tree yet and we had to go and sadly look for them and interrupt their adventure. However i do believe they snuck off and climbed it later.
There is a great book series in Australia with all these fantastically lost adventures in it called the dangerous book for boys and now there is also a girls one.
I hope i can still climb trees at 54 well done.
Hi Lenore,
I stumbled on your blog after being given a ticket for “improper parking” after a ‘good samaritan’ called the cops because my 8-year-old was left alone in my locked, parked car near the entrance of a busy store.
Apparently, he was crying because he felt I’d left him for too long (about a half-hour. He may also have been a bit more emotional than usual because he was coming down with a cold).
This had never happened before. My son had asked to stay in the car because he was tired. I’ve left the kids in the locked, parked car on occasion either together or alone (I have a 6-year-old daughter too) while running errands (though never as babies or toddlers).
It was about 40-degrees out in the middle of the day and he was bundled up. I took his sister in with me.
Next thing I know I’m being berated at the entrance of the store in front of the kids by a very belligerent cop and a cop trainee. The cop took my license to his car; the trainee proceeded to whip out a little dime-store notebook and ask for my phone number, which I gave, and my social security number, which I declined because it was not official paperwork, and the other cop was getting it from my driver’s license anyway. The trainee also asked if I had any tattoos or scars, which I declined to answer because I thought it was invasive and I was not under arrest.
The trainee couldn’t tell me what law I’d broken or what the potential penalty was (and apparently, in my state of NJ, the law is vague and penalties are completely the discretion of the authorities).
Apparently, I was not sufficiently contrite, because the officer gave me a ticket for “improper parking” and checked off the box that says “court appearance required”–unusual for a parking ticket. So I’ve had to hire a lawyer in hopes of avoiding a referral to DYFS and, with legal fees, I’m paying $500+ for what is usually a $54 ticket.
This all makes me think. I am a married upper middle class white woman with advanced degrees and a solid community reputation; a good mother without any hint in my past of any neglect or abuse. I can only imagine how a woman of color or a poor woman would have been treated under the same circumstances.
And what if the cop had berated and belittled a parent who actually was inclined to neglect or abuse his or her kids? What would happen to the kid(s) when the parent got home?
This incident has also led me to reflect on the relative risks of various activities–my kid has a far greater chance of breaking his leg when I take him skiing, for example, than of getting hurt while waiting in my parked, locked car. Personally, I think parents who let their kids sit in front of the TV or video games for hours, and allow them to grow obese from junk food and inactivity, should be charged with abuse and neglect. Those children have a far greater likelihood of rotting their brains and developing diseases than my son does of getting abducted from my car.
I can totally understand the concern about babies and toddlers left too long in hot cars. I probably would have taken some kind of action if I had happened on an 8-year-old who was alone and crying in a parked car.
But now I am left with the feeling that I have to second guess many of my parenting decisions (and parenting is hard enough without feeling like Big Brother is watching). I am starting to understand just how much control the state has over our parenting decisions, and just how unclear is the law that deals with those decisions. It has also become evident to me that, whatever the First Amendment says, I can be persecuted for expressing my opinion about the relative risks involved or voicing my misgivings about the legitimacy of this zero tolerance policy.
I am very uncomfortable with that reality. Now I understand where you are coming from.
I am a mother to a 3 year old going on 13 year old girl and a 1.5 year old monster boy. I love the idea of raising free range kids. I laughingly call myself a mom of the ’80’s and I plan to let my kids go to the park by themselves, ride their bikes to the local store, and who knows I might even let them stay home alone for a few hours…(of course not right now). I feel are children are to sheltered and no longer think for themselves. I want my children to no something is wrong with out me having to tell them. I want them to be able to do good without me forcing it on them. I want them to be confident in all they do. I think Free Range kids have a better chance at this. I would also like to put my 3 year old in the car without having to strap her in a car seat. I think it would be great to have her jump in the front seat with me and go two blocks to the store. But that’s another thing.
WE’RE RAISING A GENERATION OF PUNKS!!!!
I just saw you on Dr. Phil and I just want to say Hurray for you! I am a 39 year old woman that was raised in East New York, Brooklyn, NY in the projects. At the age of 8 my mother taught me to take the bus to school by myself. She tells how the first time I did it on my own I scared her half to death. My school was 2 blocks from the bus route and a block away from a Middle School that was on the bus route. The crossing guard was at the stop for the Middle School. The plan was for me to get off at the Middle School, walk the block and have another crossing guard cross me to my school. That didnt’ make sense to me, it was still going to be 2 blocks either way. So I got off the block before the crossing guard. Not only did I get off at the wrong stop but I crossed the street before the lights changed. There weren’t any cars coming so I didn’t see the point in waiting. My mom was afraid but she didn’t let me know that she was watching me. When I got home she made sure she went over why I needed to get off at the appropriate stop and reiterated with me how to cross the street properly.
She tells another story about how I used to have a babysitter that lived in the building. When I would come home from the school the babysitter would be watching soap operas. I didn’t want to watch them so I would take the key and go upstairs to our apartment and do my homework. Then I would get myself a snack and go outside and play until my mom got home from work. When my mom realized I was doing this she realized it was time for this to become the normal routine. The babysitter was eliminated but I knew if there was something I really needed I was to knock on her door. I had to make sure I called my mom when I got in from school and was not allowed to open the door for anyone.
I say all of this to say, parents need to pay attention to their children’s capabilities and loosen the leash when they see that the child is capable. There’s no denying that the world is not a paradise, but it seems that parents are so busy worrying about the bad things out there they haven’t prepared their children to deal with the realities of the world.
I think we need to go back to old school parenting. It wasn’t always perfect and the world has changed but at least we were raised to survive.
My son was able to climb out of his car seat once.
Nothing happened, it happened three times, no accidents.
I think it is safe enough to start a “no helmet, not seat belt kids’!
I raised one of my kids the “free range” way, and one, not. What a difference! I vote for free range. Use common sense though. Not all kids are ready at the same time. I let my 5 yo walk over a mile to school after she badgered me for 20 minutes about missing school (my car wouldn’t start). I called the school to let them know to call me when she got there. I was scared to death and I can’t believe I let her do it. I don’t think that was a good idea. She made it fine though. She is my free range child. When I think back, I walked almost that far to kindergarten everyday! In fact, we could be gone all day as long as we were home for dinner. And mind you, no cell phones then.
I love this movement. Let me share a little personal nugget. I HAVE been the hovering parent and it didn’t stop me from being unaware that my 16 yr old son was having a secret life outside of what we knew. We prided ourselves on being in control and had no idea the life that was being led outside of our knowledge. Let the naysayers say that they would know if their child was on drugs, cutting class, in a secret relationship, dabbling with porn etc. Unless you go through it, you don’t know everything. You might think you do, but if a child wants to keep something from you – HE WILL!! He CAN find a way.
Now we have discovered that working with our child and letting go some, helps him make better decisions. He believes in himself more as he gathers confidence and has to rely on himself more than expecting us to interfere by rescuing. Without this, we are raising kids who remain like kids well into their 20’s and 30’s. They are incompetent because we expect so little from them!
Before anyone judges, we are a conservative Christian family. Our standards are high. What we are finding from our horrible experience, is we have far less control than we think. And those who think hovering is equated with some higher level of love, are in denial and also haven’t experienced the real hell of a child off the rails…
let me clarify my comment about being a Christian conservative family. This is not to suggest we think highly of ourselves. Infact it is to direct attention to the fact that often we are perceived as thinking highly of ourselves and I wanted to show how very much we don’t. But having used a lot of faith style thinking in our parenting, we have realized we knew almost nothing! God gets the credit for revealing how far off the mark we were! Not remotely suggesting superiority, more that this may have been our downfall…
Arrgghhh!!!! I am currently working as a cashier at Walmart (hey, it’s a paycheck, alebeit a small one) and this evening a womand and her daughter (who looked to be about 12-13) came to my register with two shopping carts full of groceries.
As they unloaded and I processed their order, the carousel became full, so I suggested to the daughter that she go to the entrance about 30′ away and get an empty cart so she could start loading in up while her mom continued to unload the other two.
Well, this girl looked like a deer caught in the headlights – she looked at me, looked at her mom and back to me. Well, her mom stopped what she was doing and walked with her daughter to obtain the necessary shopping cart.
Can you believe how absolutely ridiculous this is that a girl that age has to have an escort to achieve a simple task? It made me wish I had a copy of your book to throw at the stupid mother.
Just last week I had another mom who would not allow her ten year-old daughter to use the women’s restroom that was 10′ from my register unless whe went with her.
Such actions have made me come to the conclusion that parents who are this constipated and do not allow their children to live in the real world will send their daughters off to college, who, experiencing freedom for the first time, will ultimately end up in “Girls Gone Wild” videos. Just sayin…
I really love this forum i often get good ideas from here. However i really don’t like the way we speak to each other parent to parent. Fair enough passion runs through us and we might say whats on our mind, but outwardly belittling people and being cruel isn’t really ok.
People who are on the other end of the parenting spectrum and parenting from a place of control are usually coming from a place of fear, i know i ve been there too. Fear prevents us from parenting from a place of influence, which is a much more effective way to go.
Please go easy on each other we are all parents at the end of the day we just want whats best for our kids.
Don’t get me wrong i love the dicsussion and debate lets not stoop to levels that are not good for this forum however.
Tracy, you’re to be praised for your humility.
To the poster who’d love for her three-year-old to be able to jump in the car with her and ride beside her in the front seat: The car safety industry has gone off the rails. Kids up to 80 lbs. must be restrained? My now 14-year-old weighed that ’til she was 12! The car seat manufacturers must lobby the legislatures. Otherwise how do you explain this absurdity? The idea of a car seat is to restrain babies and toddlers, who don’t sit still voluntarily. Most kids can sit still in the car by age eight, if not younger.
We all hate car seats: They’re costly, cumbersome, inconvenient, and limit spontaneity. I hereby put out a call for someone to invent a portable, lightweight car restraint. I’m picturing some sort of tether that clasps onto the small passenger’s wrists and perhaps waist, allowing her to “move about the cabin” so to speak, but that restrains instantly on impact. It unfastens easily and can be dropped in your shoulder bag if changing cars. Does anyone get my drift? Stop car seat slavery!
I just ran across your site. . . and agree with you whole heartedly. I have a 10 year old that I have always been honest with. I feel confident that she will make the best decision in any situation. That being said, she hasn’t had to deal with the peer pressure that will come in her teens ~ so I am enforcing the ‘if you have any questions or get into trouble, please come and talk to me because I was your age once.’
I can not wait to read your blog and the adventures that you have.
Funny I ran across your site today! I saw a great film last night called Mother Nature’s Child that supports the argument to “free-range” by stating (and showing evidence) that lack of freedom, down time, and access to nature is hurting our kids. If we as parents really want to promote the whole and healthy child we need to limit the supervcised care, organized activities, and clinical-grade paly areas.
Check it out at mothernaturesmovie.com
I am all for “free range kids” I have a 9 yr old son and a 10 yr old daughter. If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to get an honest answer. My kids have a radius they are allowed to ride their bikes in… lots of wooded areas to climb trees, chase critters.. who know maybe even get chased by a critter. I like occasional check ins and do ask they keep a whistle in case they get hurt… but who climbed the 20 feet tree and tied his own boy scout knot to make a swing??? My son who was 7 at the time! Go Dad for teaching such an outstanding knot!! He chops kindling for the fire too. My daughter is great in the kitchen and both of my children know how to do laundry, I teach safety and understanding best I can, but nothing compares sometimes to experience.
I am 100% for raising self reliant, adventurous kids who don’t need supervision every step of the way. I work hard to make sure my kids have independent activities, play outside without an adult hovering over them and learn to take care of themselves. I adore the life skills my kids learn in 4H and the freedom I can give them riding their bikes or “roaming the neighborhood”.
What I struggle with is the best ways to prepare them for independent activity. Some things, you just kick them out the door and they figure it out. Some things, I know that would be completely irresponsible but I don’t know where to begin.
When we teach kids to walk to the bus stop, we coach them on crossing the road, warn them repeatedly to look for cars, remind them to stay to the shoulder/sidewalk. It’s not a once and done thing, it evolves and finally we feel good about letting them off on their own. We might worry, but we know that we armed them with the right tools.
What about other real risks? What do we need to prepare them for and how do we do it? What are good resources for talking to our kids about accidents that are statistically more likely to happen? Or unwanted bullying? Or unwanted sexual advances by an adult, a “big kid” or even a peer? How do we foster a relationship where they are comfortable telling us about what happens when they are having those adventures so we can intervene when we need to?
I was set “free range” as a kid and for the most part it was fine. Our misadventures and problems were mostly fun and we usually figured things out for ourselves- like roaming through the woods or building forts or riding bikes further than we should have.
But sometimes we did things that were really pretty, truly dangerous. Like climbing through the storm drains of our neighborhood, falling through thin ice in the creek in the woods, and engaging in sexual experimentation way to early before our parents came home from work.
These are the things I fear for my kids- not that someone will randomly offer them candy and steal them. These are the things I hope we as a “Free Range” community can come together to solve.
Mostly it seems like all this blog does is link to examples of people being ridiculously over protective, or rant about how back in the day we did this or that and we turned out fine! rather than offering constructive advice on how to truly give our kids the chance to grow to be self reliant.
Heather, way to go, but remember to teach your son his way around the kitchen and your daughter to use an axe.
Dana, I like how you used “unwanted sexual advances”. Kids should learn how to ward these off no matter who they’re from, including dates or coworkers. I also like how it allows for “wanted sexual advances”, and kids should learn to listen to their guts regarding which is which, i.e., “Does this feel good? Or yucky?”
Thank you for letting your kid ride the subway the very year I became a parent. I am just now getting around to reading your book and am only in the first few chapters, but have been lmao with joy that someone out there is backing my parenting philosophy—going it alone has been tough! P.S. You are extremely funny!
When I read how the one doctor loathes What to Expect When You’re Expecting I felt very vindicated as I refused to read that book, or any other book that harped on every little thing that could go wrong while pregnant. Some people thought I was choosing to live in ignorance, but what I was doing was choosing to trust my body (and human history) and have a stress-free pregnancy, which I recently read in Brain Rules for Baby is possibly the best thing you can do for your developing fetus. BTW, I didn’t have an ultrasound either. I believe that free-range begins in the womb—if you can’t trust yourself and your instincts at this early stage, then when will you be able to? My friends who had ultrasounds spent their time worrying about how their baby was too big or too small or the due date shifted every time they had a new one done, or worse they were told there were possible complications that turned out to be non-existent the next time they went in.
I, too, was a free-range kid. My family let me know the potential dangers out there and how to deal with them and then turned me loose. I learned to use my judgment, discretion, intuition, problem-solving skills…the list goes on and on and I use all of those skills each day as an adult. The biggest obstacle I face as a new parent is the fear/paranoia that is all around me, crushing inward as if that is the normal, sane way to exist. It’s not!
I’m excited that your book is being passed around my parenting peer group. I look forward to raising my free-range kids with other free-range kids. Thank you!
*If you are interested, here is a link to a video of my son at 13 months that really freaked everyone out http://www.youtube.com/user/MrBenjobe#p/u/1/gUnSYoP6V-w. Please note that my husband had been to the park everyday with our son, twice a day, all summer. Letting our toddler do this was my husband’s first step away from helicoptering and toward becoming a free-range parent. I was so proud of him! Obviously my son was very proud of himself.
Hi
I do my best to be a free-rangeer with my
3 young kids, and it is not unusual to see kids walking/biking to school alone or in groups in my town, nor is it unusual to see kids in the 9 and up age bracket at parks and things alone either…Anyways, Ijust wanted to share a little story-I just picked up FRK at the library a few days ago and loved it. I found myself putting it to use tonight. My daughter (age7) usually carpools to her sitters home on the days I work but tomorrow she will ride the bus for the first time.
(She can’t walk as it is about 2 miles down a country highway away from school, no sidewalks out there) She was nervous,(as was I) but I remebered Lenore’s chapter on what a 7yo would be doing 100years ago and told her all about how easy riding the bus would be compared to what kids did back in the day. Then I told the story of how her Grandma(My mother) walked to school, alone, everyday, 5 blocks away starting at age 4. Then about her Grandpa(my Dad) who walked 2 miles one way to get to school. After doing his chores on the farm, of course. Naturally I have explained how to use the bus system, wrote a note for the teacher, prepared her in other ways as well etc. By the end of our little talk she was pumped for an adventure! I feel I gave her the tools she needs to be successful on her little bus adventure with alot more confidence, in part from the great examples in your book sooo- Thanks Lenore!!!!!!!
Hey. Loved your “performance” on fora at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas.
I was curious about your thoughts that the psychological changes, seen in the Sesame Street examples, are a result of training for compliance with tyranny.
These kids are growing up on Sesame Street, then are told to spy on their parents, then on each other under the guise that this will “make them safer”. Americans are more likely to die from suicide deer than suicide bombers. But the solution is to spy on each other and use radioactive body scanners to prevent airline attacks?
Anyhow, whether involved or not, government and global organizations sure seem to take advantage of this in tandem with each other.
Headlines of the day that I read before watching your speech and thought you should see:
http://www.infowars.com/shocker-citizen-spy-networks-to-be-given-immunity/
This kid was more likely to die on the way to the airport:
http://www.prisonplanet.com/airport-bans-toy-soldiers-three-inch-rifle-from-plane-because-its-a-safety-threat.html
To Tracey. I really like your comments. In today’s fear-mongering society a high premium is placed on judgement and criticism and parental oneupmanship. “You let your child to that?!?!?! Well I would NEVER!” Uh, so? While at the mall when my daughter was three and sucked her thumb when she became very tired, I would have nattering nabobs coming out of the woodwork scolding me for allowing my toddler to suck her thumb. Huh? These same scolds found me at the supermarket, at the playground, even once while we sat in the car waiting for my nephew to get out of school one day while we were picking him up. Really? One man at the supermarket actually came up to us, while I was carrying my daughter, and tried to pull my daughter’s thumb from her mouth! I was pissed beyond belief!! What are you doing??!! I asked him. I’m saving you from braces and other damage that can do, he smugly said. After getting past that moment where I wanted to kick him squarely in the shins, I said, “Don’t touch my daughter and mind your own damn business.” Geesh.
That being said, I’ve mellowed a lot now that my daughter is six. When pinch-faced parental know-it-alls hit me with their “opinions” I merely smile and give them my opinion, which they aren’t interested in. The problem with the advice-givers is that is all they are…hearing another side to the story or another idea or thought doesn’t interest them in the least. These “experts” want to spew their “wisdom” and let it stand at that. So the best way I’ve found to combat them is to reasonably, and with a smile, give them my opinions and how I’m choosing to raise my child and watch them run for the hills.
To Charles,
Read the articles you posted. I can hardly believe the absurdity of it all. 3/4 of Americans must be in a constant state of anxiety with this type of hype going on. My mum and other realtives watches a show in Australia that is a soft sensational current affairs show. Unfortantly she quotes from it often.”Did you hear that there are 1000’s of deaths a year through drinking from cracked cups” I kind of make it my job to challenge this stuff here it’s tricky though we are up against a media that loves nothing better than a sensational juicy story to scare the pants of people.
I’m wondering if i can use some of these headlines in some workshops for parents i do here in Australia, hope thats ok. Cheers Mate.
Bravo, Lenore.
I’m so for (freerange) I crossed the finish line 3 decades ago. I was a gypsy kid raised to two thoughtful, intelligent practical hard-nosed parents.
I make my living by using my imagination, and when asked, always reply that imagination grows in an independent kid’s mind when they’re alone, or with friends. That’s just how it is.
Independent mobility is what’s required, and in the 70% of our population which is suburban, next to impossible to create.
In my small city, from the age of 8 to 16, I was chauffeured somewhere in my father’s car exactly…once. That was when I was 15 and had to go get my wrist slapped by a cranky magistrate for (slightly criminally) showing off to impress some girl. The car-ride was to preserve the crease in my suit-pants.
The point being…that every one of the thousands of things I did around town – were hither and yon’d on my own. That was freedom. That was learning my world on my own terms. That was just plain old growing up. (I left home at the age of 16 and survived quite nicely, thank you.)
Helicopter parents hate me when I say this: Every family home is a penitentiary…the parents are the wardens, and the kids are the inmates. It doesn’t have to be San Quentin…but its reality is inexorable.
Not until a kid lives beyond watchful and critical (or anxious) eyes…will they relax in a way that is ultimately themselves…their own true self. I believe the road to that doesn’t start with college, or the keys to the family car. If so, it can be far too late.
Funny thing – common sense parenting wasn’t something beaten into me…just something I sorta learned along the way growing up…and remembering, the things I treasured the most as a kid – I wanted my kids to have those things, too.
(And for the life of me, I can’t understand why there aren’t millions of parents out there staging revolutions to create the very conditions that promote their kids’ freedom…to be kids.)
cheers,
jp
Joel – your story about travels and 3rd-world kids really grabbed me.
Slumdog Millionaire allowed the Hollywood crowd a sneeky peek at that reality…only barely.
We forget here – that millions of kids around the planet will never know this “problem” discussed here – they haven’t the luxury.
And yet their vitality, freedom, joy, sorrow, resilience and beauty can be so astonishing – to one open and sensitive to it.
I wonder….can there be anything sadder in the world than a 5 year-old “adult?”
Pam, I related so much to your post about thumb-sucking. My oldest sucked her thumb and twirled her hair to calm herself straight out of the womb. She eventually gave up the thumb, but still twirls her hair. She’s 20, and I’m still beating myself up for not standing by her on her first dental checkup at age three, when the dentist said to her, “Still in nappies, are you?”
I myself was ambivalent because she being the oldest, I was anxious about her reaching her milestones “on schedule” and also wanted her out of diapers. However, I still should’ve said to the dentist, “You take care of her mouth. I’ll tend to the rest of her, thanks.”
YAY!! He’s on our side!! 😀
http://www.parentdish.com/2011/01/25/emptying-the-nest-qanda-with-author-dr-brad-sachs/?ncid=webmail
Step 1 for Free-Range Parenting: Don’t watch Local News…EVER!
A friend just sent me this web comic which immediately made me think of FRK. It’s a daily link so I’m not 100% positive it will pull up the correct one when you click on it, but I’m specifically referring to the comic from 1/31.
http://www.sinfest.net/
I don’t have children yet but I pray that I raise free range kids!! While growing up my mother sent us out the door until dinner time (unless the weather was really bad).
I was recently working for a catering business and I noticed at a youth festival the parents were holding the plates and portioning out food for kids that were 7-14 years old!! A pre-teen girl walked with her Dad to the drink dispenser and get a soda for her. She actually looked confused. How sad is that!?
Meanwhile I was cooking dinner for my family before I was out of elementary school!!!
i have a question. I caught my 16 yr old son riding a bike on a really busy road yesterday not even holding the handle bars. He’s barred from this road (no hovering here, but when your kid is knocked off his bike by a blind motorist, seems reasonable to set a rule about a different route)
he’d called apparently to let me know he had a reason for choosing to go down this road again. Unfortunately I didn’t hear the phone but found him by driving past going the other way. I banned him from riding his bike for the rest of the week – normally he bikes everywhere.
he now is on foot and I drive him to school only. Would any of you have handled this differently?
Most of my friends are raised by helicopter parents. I keep on trying to explain to them that they should stand up to their parents, whether it means them getting grounded or not. Let them set some boundries. Tell them that they are 14 not babies. And yet I see no progress. I can even see some of their parent’s “helicopterness” in them. It makes me wonder what they would be like if they were raised differently.
Tracy –
Your approach is totally reasonable, in my opinion.
He does move around independently – that’s not the problem.
The problem seems to be that he’s not taking his own safety seriously, and the consequences result in your discipline handed down.
Seems to me, you’re doing it right.
(I useta bike no hands on empty sidestreets – big difference.)
Most important – his cavalier attitude about road safety is not because he’s been sheltered – his blind spot is that he just doesn’t respect safe biking….I think you did the right thing.
cheers,
jp
thanks jp. Your words are taken to heart, particularly what you say about a ‘cavalier attitude’ and ‘respect’. I live my life trying to let him free range some but wondering if I’m gonna be met at the door by the police. Safety is not about germs, it’s about trying to make sure premature death doesn’t occur.
Thank you!
Tracy, I think you came down too hard on him. A 16-year-old who’s willing to cycle everywhere? That’s wonderful and should be encouraged. Also, he did attempt to notify you when he had made a choice he knew you disagreed with, so he gets points from me for that. The no-hands thing I get. Would it not have sufficed to sit him down and talk to him about breach of trust in a relationship, i.e., “I rely in you to drive safely.”?
Yet another crazy school reaction–
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/01/AR2011020104097.html
thanks Yam for your input. You’re right about him calling me to warn me. My reaction was in the main about lack of safety – not holding the handle bars. But your point is taken. In this car driving crazed society tho’ I don’t give out kudos for riding a bike. If he wants to get somewhere, he needs to work that out. (Part of the responsibility learning thing). I’m not a taxi-cab mom.
You’re entirely welcome, Tracy.
When I was 14, I had all the freedom in the world.
The deal was exactly that. No cops at the door.
It happened once (minimal criminal behaviour intended to impress some girl…) and my father handled it with consistency and aplomb – there was never a repeat.
His instructions were entirely that freedom was the most valuable thing in the world, but was not a given right; it had to be earned. So it was.
I guess he was wise enough to know that my dalliance was a glitch, and not a lifetime of desperate crime.
But then….coming home at midnight on a Saturday at the age of 14 was not about mobility safety (small city) but about the fact that I wasn’t ciminalizing under cover of darkness.
Funny thing: as a kid, you just somehow know in your little doggie heart how MUCH your parent wants you to have responsible freedom, and its attendent benefits – not because they don’t care about you, but for exactly the opposite reasons.
And when you feel brave enough to reach for that, and can earn it and have it, it’s a wonderful feeling.
cheers,
jp
I was always told by friends mothers I was being raised like they were in the 50’s, I WAS the free range kid in my world. Yes I felt I could do stuff on my own, Yes I could navigate the streets by my self, yes I was a safe kid. I’d play in the creek and the fields near my house as a child. @ 8 years old I was building forts out of scrap wood in a back field. Riding my bike to the next town over even. No permission needed – just be home by dinner. I was capable, I was independent, I was safe. My parents trusted me.
BUT
I’m telling you, I wish they were a little more helicopter and in my face. It was a lot of pressure to put on me so young to be responsible for myself. My parents not showing worry or concern. Just “did you have a good day?” I was expected to take care of myself and I was capable to do that, but it robbed me of feeling like a child. Of silliness and feeling carefree.
I grew up fast, too fast. My childhood was short and I had to be aware of this world too early. I had to be responsible for my well being and my parents didn’t have an expectation of me to check in or check out.
Today as an adult I’m not good with limits and rules, Because of this free range ‘freedom’.I got to do things my way without much expectation.
My child will get independence, but it will take a whole lot longer than it was for me. It will be hard earned, and they will have to fight for it. Its the parents job to be the worrier, NOT the child. The child should get to be carefree, listening to the counsel of their trusted parent.
Its too much weight for a child. A child needs to feel protected, and cared for. This Free range parenting is a nice concept for the parent, but I’m telling you, it injured me. Worry doesn’t just go away – it transfers it to someone else. Its not fair to put the responsibility of a child’s safety and well being on them-self. It took the world of worry off my parents and just put it on me.
I choose to be that parent that worries, I will worry so my CHILD doesn’t have to.
Like many areas in this country right now, Kansas is suffering from frigid temps due to the Arctic blast. My daughters school district had been out for the last two days due to extremely hazardous road conditions, but it was back on today. I went out to my husbands car to start it so I could drive Mara to the bus stop. It’s -6 right now so I figured I’d be nice to her today. Well, my husbands car doesn’t like to start in weather below 40, so I ended up walking her to the bus stop. 20 minutes later, the bus wasn’t there and me, my daughter and the 5 other kids waiting out in the cold were freezing. Another parent who had decided to drive her kid to the bus stop got fed up with waiting and drove over to the 7 of us and said “this is ridiculous, who wants a ride to school.” I didn’t know this mom, but I recognized her kid and figured that she didn’t fit the profile of a deranged serial killer. Thankfully she drove a big SUV and all the kids were able to fit in it. Sometimes, you just have to accept the generosity of a stranger and figure she’s not going to kidnap 6 kids with her own kid as a witness. If it wasn’t for a stranger two nights ago when my husband slid off the freeway due to ice, he would have had to figure out another way to get home. His car had rolled down a 30 foot hill, thankfully not rolling over like a lot of other cars did that day/night. He works an hour away and was still outside of the city. Luckily, there was a house not even a quarter of the way down the road, and the couple who lived there saw what had happened and the husband came over to help mine. My husband was able to call 911 and due to hazardous conditions, all they did was send a tow truck to wench it out. So, the guy was nice enough to offer Eric a ride home even though my husband was still about 15 miles from home. We’ve experienced a couple acts of kindness from strangers this week and we are forever grateful.
Amanda, Topeka, KS
2 posts back….a fascinating insight….and I agree wholeheartedly with the balance you describe.
Kids need order, consistency and caring in their lives – but I like the way you put it / the big folks worry so the little guys don’t have to.
I think too often, there’s a polarity shifted to one extreme side or the other – the proper balance is what’s best for kids.
My childhood was much as you describe – though the difference was that balance, I think. There was always the “rock” at home that I could lean on, a strong sense that there were limits, and a clear enough understanding of what those limits were.
My gut feeling about what you described…is that maybe things were just a little bit too loose?
May parents were anything but liberal – hard nose conservative, really.
I like also your comment – freedom as something fought for and earned (when we have to do that for what we desire, we value it more.)
I guess that’s the thing: kids need to learn what the value of freedom really is.
The other moms all looked at me like I was trying to give my baby rat poison when I told them I planned to introduce him to spicy foods. He was about 8 months old at the time and loved every food he tried. I pointed out that kids in India and Thailand are raised on spicy food but they were still horrified when I fed him curries, jambalaya, and the like. I feed my son all homemade organic baby food while my friends food their babies jarred food. You’d think that would make me the crazy one but it doesn’t. There’s a difference between being crunchy and being uptight. I’m willing to let my son explore the culinary world. Our kids are all a year old now and these other moms a cutting cheerios in half so their kids don’t choke. Hello! There’s a hole in the center even if it did get stuck in their throats it wouldn’t block their airway. They also tell me that I shouldn’t feed him bananas unless I mash them up because that’s a choking hazard. Rice is on the no list because it could bind together before being swallowed. I think this is all a lot of BS. Just cut the food small and let your kid try anything they want. You just might be surprised at what they like. I hate spicy food but I’m thrilled my baby likes his dinner far spicier than I could ever eat.
BTW, the homemade organic thing is only for the food we eat at home. I let him eat super spicy deep fried chicken wings down at our local brew pub on a semi-regular basis. I pull the meat off the bones, chop it up small, and make sure he has a sippy cup full of water. We gobbles up the buffalo wings and chugs away at his water between bites. These moms can’t believe I let him eat fried food but why not? We’re basically teaching him that we eat healthy most of the time but sometimes it’s OK to indulge. I let him eat beer battered fish and chicken with wine sauce too. These moms act like I’m pouring him shots even though the alcohol cooks out of everything. The aren’t just horrified that I take him to a brew pub and drink beer in front of him. It bothers them that I drink at all. I regularly hear “I don’t drink because I want what’s best for my child.” Hey, I drink because I want what’s best for my kid too. I want to raise him to understand that alcohol can be used responsibly. Frankly, having a fully stocked bar at my house somewhat makes up for the fact that we don’t have a regular baby sitter at the moment. Can’t get out? No problem, we’ll have cocktail hour here at the house. I’m still nursing but once your baby sleeps through the night, what’s the big deal about having a drink(s) after he goes to bed? Even if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, you can just use good judgement about how much you’ve had. There’s nothing wrong with pump & dump or giving a bottle. If you’re totally unsure of making that decision yourself, they make little test strips that tell you if there is too much alcohol in your breastmilk. My playgroup looks at me like a drunken alcoholic anytime I order a glass of wine or beer when we go out for lunch. Frankly, you need a drink to make it through lunch with such an uptight bunch of mommas.
Long-time lurker, just saw a link to this overhyped, parental paranoia-inducing news story on CBS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2vARzvWxwY. Before my Free-Range Kids days, I would have rushed to untag my photos … now, I couldn’t help but ask the friend who passed it on if there’d EVER been an incidence of someone using this info for nefarious purposes. Just thought you’d want to know, if you hadn’t seen it already …
I just read about a business started in Minnesota. Temporary tattoos for children with their parents phone number on it, so that if the kids get lost someone can call. It was in the st. paul pioneer press on Sunday. We have become way too paranoid.
I have been raising my girls “free range” without really knowing it until I stumbled across your blog. Three of my four girls were born in the Caribbean where the idea of free range is not something foreign. It’s not uncommon to see kids walking from home to the beach or walking to school or a friends house. It was not unusual to let my (then) 3 and 4 year old play unsupervised in our yard without concern. Now, my girls are 9, (soon to be) 8, 4 and 2 and they are ALL pretty self sufficient kids. The older two clean up after themselves, can feed themselves (even food that has to be heated *gasp* one the stove), and play freely throughout the neighborhood with neighborhood kids. My oldest has been DYING to stay home alone for the last few months, so we let her stay home by herself for the first time last week. She was SO excited. She knows had her list of emergency numbers, knows what to do it there’s a fire and is VERY responsible. When we came home (after about 2 hours), she was on the couch, in her bathrobe (she took a long bubble bath apparently) playing Super Mario Brothers on Wii.
When I was younger I lived in a small, peaceful town. I had a five minute walk to my grandparents’ house which I wasn’t allowed to do alone until I was 10 or 11. I knew the route by heart by the time I was 4 or 5, and I only had to cross one big street (which had a cross light).
I used to get so frustrated that I couldn’t do it alone, so I started running away from home. My mom would wait five minutes, and then call my grandparents to confirm that I got there ok.
I never had any problems- nobody ever talked to except a friendly neighbor, I never got hit by a car, and I definitely didn’t get kidnapped. Not that my story should be used as evidence that kids will always be safe in all situations, but I think it’s a good example of how some kids just need a little freedom and trust from their parents.
Ultimately, we need to start moving away from a culture of fear towards a culture where we look out for one another. Rather than perpetuate myths about safety and risk, we should be working towards a society that looks out for one another.
I agree 100%. My child is not yet old enough to be a true free-ranged kid. She is just turning 4 here soon. But I do give her some freedom that gets me dirty looks. But I know that both physical and emotional pain are a part of growing up. Plus, what is a real kid without a scraped knee?
I am some where in the middle on this. I keep a close eye on my son, but i want him to be independent as well. In some cases this is him wearing his monkey backpack/leash (he feels free & I know exactly where he is at) other time its letting him figure things out on his own. We live on a very busy street so i can’t let him be a free as i would like, hopefully our next house will allow for this
I’m a bit late to the party here as I just finished the book. Let me get this out of the way: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! A child of the seventies, I was raised free range (was there any other way back then?). I grew up on Staten Island, and when we moved there from Brooklyn in 1967, I was but one year old. To most city dwellers, SI was alternatively described as the “boondocks”, the “sticks”, the “country”. It was a great place to explore and grow up. Our neighborhood was very tight nit – and us kids were pretty much kicked out of the house to roam and play until dark (or well after dark on weekends).
Here are a couple of free range experiences from back then. I was about 9 or 10, and a few of my friends and I were playing at a nearby construction site (Oh Noes!!) and we were tossing mud balls at each other – hey it was summer, and there was no snow! Well unbeknown to the thrower, one of them had a sizable rock in it, and it struck me hard on top of my head. I remember it clearly, I was stunned, and realized quickly that I was bleeding pretty bad. My friends – all around the same age – didn’t panic. They helped my up, one of them took off their shirt to stem the bleeding, and with one friend on each side of me holding an arm or my hand, they walked me the two blocks back to my house. My mom freaked at all the blood (head lacs bleed a lot, and it had run down my neck) but my older brother was home – by the way, he was “just” 16, and he immediately began treating me with the first aid skills he learned in Boy Scouts. He did such a good job cleaning me up, that I didn’t even go to the ER (probably a mistake, but hey, it all turned out fine).
My parents were very trusting of me, even at a young age. When I was about 11, I took a strong interest in fishing. I wanted to get the best fishing tackle I could, and the best place to get it was a tackle shop in Manhattan called Capitol Fishing Tackle (it’s still there!). My mom gave me some transportation money (I was using my own cash for the stuff I was going to buy), and simply told me to catch the 10x express bus into the city. She told me where I should be looking to get off the bus, and then where to get a bus back to SI. And that was that. I got on the bus, went into the city, walked a couple of blocks to the store, bought a fancy new rod and reel, and took the bus home. By myself. I made that trip several times over the years, and LOVED IT every time I did it.
Last story: My dear grandparents (both long since gone) had moved to Florida when I was about 12. We went down as a family to visit them that first year they moved, and I had a great time. Next year came around and I wanted to go back to Florida to visit, but my father couldn’t get away from his business at that time. So my parents did what any trusting (free range!) parents would do; they bought me an airline ticket, dropped me off at the airport (well, they walked me to the gate) and away I went – by myself – on a 2-1/2 hour plane ride down to Ft. Lauderdale where my grandparents were waiting for me at the gate. The feeling of confidence and independence I had was indescribable.
Now living in suburban Maryland, and as a parent of two boys, 9 and almost 11, I struggle mightily with the prevailing neighborhood tendency of over-parenting and not trusting our kids to take care of themselves. Hopefully your book and this blog will reach some of our neighbors who are desperately in need of some free range advice…our kids, and us parents, will all be better off!
I just found your blog and love it ! I live on a game farm in a remte part of South Africa and have totally free range kids. THey are both under 4 but they live very much outside, they climb trees, they play in mud, they catch tadpoles…..
I believe that dirt is ok as long they bath before they go to bed. They are always strapped into car seats and they arent allowed near their ponies without a proper riding hat on, but otherwise they are allowed their freedom. I also believe in discipline, and they are expected to help in whatever small way with feeding the animals or looking after them in some way.
I dont think you are irresponsible at all!
I am a school nurse and see outrageous behavior by adults under the umbrella of “safety” all day long. Yesterday a teacher took a child’s tube of ICEY HOT away and brought it to me (the nurse). He told me it needed a prescription attaached to it and it should not be in his locker or backpack. I told him that it’s over the counter, wasn’t provided by me and I was not treating his back pain. His mother gave it to him and he’s been using it for 3wks he said. Well the teacher got very upset with me and said it wasn’t SAFE to have that in the school and it should be removed immediately. When asked what was unsafe about a tube of icey hot in the middle school he said that some kids will abuse it, eat it or rub it on another student against his will. What? What about the hand creme I have on my desk? What about the toothpaste in my bathroom, chapstick or bacitracin? It’s so out of control……. help!!!!!
Thanks for tweeting our post “The Journey Our Kids Are On,” on our Lion’s Whiskers blog. We’ll be following Free Range Kids with enthusiasm.
I’m following this site almost daily and I think the post on the blog today re “the luxury of American Parenting Worries” can be well summed up like this:
If we have bigger things to concern ourselves with, we’ll worry no more about the trivial things.
It’s a simple psychological concept. If the country came under a bio-hazard attack, we’ll forget all about hamsters in classrooms and neighborhood nuisances. All our preoccupation with media, and networking (tho’ this is a great one!), has served to distort the reality in our minds of REAL threats of safety.
Raising kids has become a free for all in judging one another, and treated as tho’ it were rocket science. If we had to scavenge for food, I doubt we’d blast one another with scathing comments about the way we raise our kids…
My son just turned one and is the first kid in our playgroup to start walking. At a recent birthday party, the other moms all wanted to know what brand of leash I plan to use on him now that he’s walking. There was a big uproar when I told them he isn’t going to wear a leash. One one gave me more than a dirty look. It was a prolong glare over the rim of her glasses. Finally, she sneered, “Just wait. You’ll see.” Or at least that’s what her words said. Her look and tone said, “Your kid is going to die because you’re a bad mom.” I don’t understand why moms in suburbs are obsessing over leashes. My mom raised five kids. The first three were each born 13 months apart in NYC. She never put anyone in a leash, even when she was managing three little ones on the subway. When I visit my cousins back in New York, I don’t see kids in leashes all over the city. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and I don’t see any kids in leashes when I go into the City here either. For that matter, I don’t see many dogs in the City wearing leashes. If we can teach our dogs not to dart into traffic to chase the cat on the stoop across the street, why can’t we manage with our kids? Why do we expect more from Spot than Timmy?
I think the subway story in particular proves a decent point for someone like me. My initial reaction was “THE SUBWAY? BY HIMSELF?” But honestly, after reading your comments on horror stories we hear from the media, I thought about how I had never been to New York or been on the subway, but I had this preconception of the subway as some scary thing anyway. Pretty sad, actually, that I judged something so quickly.
Hi all
Just catching up on my Free Range News after a computer failure.
So stoked for you lenore about the reality show what a fantastic opportunity you have. best of luck you will be awesome.
Just wanted to share a little story i heard at a council meeting the other day.
Apparently the local council in their wisdom have pulled down some bike jumps made of diurt that the young people use because they were deemed unsafe by engingeers.
Since when do engineers have the time to inspect tiny mounds of dirt and how exactly can a lump of dirt be danagerous? Now these were not big jumps just small mounds of dirt omg what if one collasped and the kids sank into the earth never to be seen again. Anyway the Young People have no jumps anymore and now stay inside on the xbox good job local government. Hollee Mollee what next!
I’m 27 and was primarily a free range kid after my mother went back to school and got a job. From about 9 or 10 on, me and my little brother, who is 3 years younger, were free to wander outside, go for bike rides, walk places, and go on nature hikes.
It’s funny that this site mentions the 90s as the peak in crime because that’s exactly when my little brother and I were wandering off in search of adventure. The worst that happened to us was scraped knees and chasing after our dog when she ran off.
Was at the local ice skating rink where my daughter (5) takes lessons today. About half the kids wear helmet for their lessons. I don’t think it is a bad idea, but I also don’t think it is necessary (or required), they are barely moving, and when they fall it is on their bottoms or knees. We tried a helmet on our daughter and it made her more top heavy and caused her to hit her head on the ice where she had not before.
However, the fact that it isn’t required didn’t stop the other mothers from making me feel like an unfit parent for letting my daughter skate without one. It was even worse when one of their kids wanted to take hers off. The mother then suggested to me that I could get one for free from the rink, where they dispense the skates. As if I didn’t have one for my daughter because I am too poor to afford one. Like I said, helmets are not a bad idea for a sport where one falls often, but it’s my decision as a parent to do what I think is best for MY child. But I guess in this day and age, it isn’t really, is it?
Megan, my daughter (albeit 13 yo) took ice skating and we had the same dilemma. We decided to see what the others wore and let her decide. My take:
1. Helmets only make sense for sports where it’s part of the sport, i.e., football or cycling. Otherwise, especially when balance is involved, eventually the helmet comes off and then your kids moves will be “off” and s/he’ll have to “relearn” her balance, no?
2. Part of the instruction should be learning how to fall.
3. Most skating injuries happen to hands, not heads, i.e., you fall, then another skater’s blade gets involved with your hand. Heads’re rarely involved.
I was so happy to find out about this! I enjoy reading the posts and have tried to be understanding of individuals who don’t necessarily agree. I guess I am somewhat of a “free range” mom myself but never really thought of it that way. I do think kids are very capable and I just love the term “helicopter mom”. Hilarious and so true! I find myself agreeing with much but also cautiously so. I had quite a bit of freedom as a kid but there were rules, their were buddies, and time limits. My husband on the other hand, had quite a bit more freedom but there is no doubt it was not because his parents believed in his ability – they just didn’t want to be involved. My husband found himself raising himself on so many levels, so disattached from his parents. There was no instructing, no “rock” at home or any real affection even. He says he did enjoy the freedom he had on his adventures from biking, wandering in the woods, discovering and exploring. But he was also very lonely, found himself in very serious situations and felt that he raised himself . Dad was busy womanizing and mom was depressed. No alcoholism, just disinterested parents. A five year old shouldn’t have to steal money out of his mom’s purse while she sleeps just so that he can eat that day. He was teased in school for being dirty and “having fleas”. No parent attention to teach him how to comb his hair or provide clean clothing. He’d come home and go straight to the acreage they had and spent his evening building forts. He said it was nice to get away from the taunts of school, a sense of freedom. They would go on frequent camping trips, frequent and extended hunting trips,and he would wander off on long hikes in the wilderness with his parents having no idea where he was until after dark. He agreed that though there was a lot he enjoyed and learned on his own, he had to care for himself when he should have had the attention of his parents, at least some guidelines. I think there is a vast difference between parents who let their kids raise themselves because of their own absenteeism and disinterest and those parents who really just want their kids to enjoy the world.
Personally, during my time living with my grandparents, I was certainly placed in situations I had no place being in – alone in downtown Santiago,Chile at age 11 running an errand for my grandfather in the evening after dark having to take 2 buses and a subway train and walkind alone down dark corridors where there were numerous cantinas and drunken men. When my mother found out – who would be considered a “free-range mom” – she was very upset and shocked. Even in 1981, that was a stupid thing to ask me to do. But aside from that, we had freedom to explore and I appreciate the hikes and bike rides I was allowed to take with my brothers, nature/city walks exploring the area, the time spent at the park without adults, the bus rides alone to my dance class – within rules and a designated route , mind you, but by myself at age 10. I developed street smarts, felt confidence build (so much better than being bully and feeling worthless at school), learned how to read people and discern. At home, I had the “rock” – fairly protective parents who I knew loved and cared for me and gave me some guidelines. There were bad things that did happen to me and the most traumatic came from relatives and school, even under the “supervision” of adults. The freedom of exploring the world and knowing I had parents who loved me and gave me some guidelines, was a real blessing to me.
Now I’m a mother of 4. Even though we are a homeschooling family(some may picture a mother who has to hover over all her children do), I guess I would be considered a “free ranging mom”. There is some structure at home and within our family but a lot of free time and free range, I guess. Believe me, I’m used to the guff not only for the homeschooling thing, the vegetarian thing, our religious faith, but also for the amount, ironically, of freedom I give the kids. My daughter and son were allowed to play at the old school playground in front of our house at age 6 and 7 without me. Hek, they could have gone at a younger age but I was more leery of nosy neighbors then anything bad happening to the kids. My rules were that they stay within sight of my living room window and stay within sight of each other. At age 8 and 7, they were allowed to ride their bikes to a certain parts of the neighborhood and to the school yard. At age 10 and 11, they could go to nearby convenient stores and buy Slurpees. Slowly it progressed to the larger stores further away and nearby parks. We have 4 children all fairly close in age. I can safely say that each child by the age of 10 could go to the store a pick up a few items for me if needed. I trusted them. The area is busy with traffic so no worries that someone would try to take them in plain sight of many others. They took the bus to the mall and to the library. I’ll admit that they usually go with another sibling but still without mommy hovering over. They’d climbed trees to incredible heights, gone on “adventures to the swamp”, shot BB guns, caught poisonous spiders, explored riversides and rushing creeks, built forts, sleep in their treehouse that is higher than our roof without me there. When they go out now it’s just some basic guidelines, reminding them to follow their gut feeling if something doesn’t feel right, and to make good choices. Frankly, I think I am fairly protective but still others often are surprised or uncomfortable with what I let them do. They get even more freedom to go and explore on their own when out with their dad who still likes to see how far he can push it before he scares me.
My kids are older now with my oldest almost 18. All have manage to survive childhood without any broken bones or any serious injury, no kidnapping attempts, no drug use, no sex abuse, no assaults. We get compliments regularly on how great they are, how friendly, how responsible, how polite. Though those compliments are nice to hear, I don’t like taking credit. If I take credit for their qualities, I better be ready to take credit for their weaknesses and mistakes. But I feel pretty confident that their drive to learn and ability to respond well and to discern situations that may be shady or harmful is partly because I allowed them to learn how to make judgment calls without my constant interference. I have had terrible things happen to me, really, but I was determined to not let that destroy my view of the world and to throw away all the good experiences I’ve enjoyed and still have yet to enjoy. I have faith that people are basically good people and that the vast majority of things we worry about never come true anyway. I’m sort of a “live and let live” type of a person. If mom’s want to use a leash on their toddlers, arrange all play dates, sanitize all toys, more power to her. But I am sure glad there are other parents out there, loving and caring parents still, who get excited over what their kids can discover on their own and let them enjoy that part of living.
Here’s my free range story that would probably have the Stateside Child Protective Services people putting me in jail and throwing away the key…
Last month the Alpine Skiing World Championships were in my city in Germany. My family went to one of the races. After the race there was an award ceremony for the medal-winning athletes. My son (age 12) wanted to get the skiers’ autographs instead of watch the award ceremony. He went over by the exit where the skiers leave the stadium to collect autographs while my husband and I watched the award ceremony. My husband and I told our son that we’d meet him in 30 minutes and let him go. He took his autograph pad and off he went. After about 30 minutes, we met up with our son and he showed us his nearly-full autograph pad. He was very excited about all of his autographs and getting to talk to the athletes that he sees on TV. We knew the general area where he would be. By the way, he didn’t have a mobile phone; we trusted that he would be by the exit.
If I was in the States I would have been in trouble for: leaving a child unattended, inviting a kidnapping (in a fairly crowded outdoor stadium area anyone could snatch him, right?), and letting a child talk to strangers. The skiers who my son asked for autographs are technically strangers since he doesn’t know them personally. Nobody at the race asked him where his parents were or chided him for talking to strangers. Here in Germany preteens without their parents are a normal sight. The other people at the race were too busy minding their own business to worry about all of the unattended children who were hanging around asking the skiers for autographs.
What a wonderful book and a great website. My book “365 Ways to Unplug Your Kids – for awhile anyway) or How to Have Fun Without TV or Computers is coming out in April.
I just re-read your book. And I am so glad that I did. It reminded me that we are not the only ones!
We live on a farm. My 2 & 4 year old live outside from spring through fall. Sadly our winter can last 5 months, but even then we sing:
“No matter the weather we’ll weather the weather whether we like it or not!” They come outside with me to do chores in all weather except blizzards, because then I’m just making a run for it.
Last summer at ages 2 & 3, they gathered eggs on their own (payment only for those unbroken); played unattended and out of view daily. For hours. Go outside, find me when you’re hungry. (If I am ever inside, I’m making cheese, which tethers me to the stove).
But we have rules. No playing in wood pile, it’s full of rusty nails. No playing in the pile of windows, some are broken. No going in to the pig field without an adult, they will eat you… slowly. Don’t do stuff that may rip your arm off or get you actually killed. Simple. They always listen, I don’t say NO unless I’m serious. I wish the town kids were as smart.
They can’t go onto our road alone yet (too young and since it’s a straight shot in nowhere when trucks do go by they can be doing 140km/hr). But that day is coming.
They pick carrots from the garden and eat them dirt and all. There is no way any of us will ever contract avian flu, I could only begin to imagine how much chicken shit we’ve all consumed. We have only a wood stove for heat so they help create fires regularly. Last summer my 3 year old set up a perfect campfire in the fire pit (kindling upright, logs tented), found a lone forgotten match in the box and lit that baby. Caught instantly, a perfect burn.
Couldn’t get him into trouble for starting a good fire, made it clear he can only do that WITH an adult for now. Dare I say, I was inwardly PROUD? Kid had been paying attention after all!
Keep up the great work!
Ashley, your post is awesome. I had no idea pigs could be a danger to small kids. I’d understood they’re quite intelligent and even make good pets.
Loved the book!! Chalk me up as a “bad mom”, too!
My son is seven and I’ve had the audacity to pull him behind my bicycle or trike since the day he turned six weeks old. On the street. I had consulted experts (my bicycling friends with kids) and they universally said that at that age in a car seat in the trailer, they’re fine. Which he was. Eventually he graduated to a trail-a-bike, and now he’s riding solo. Every so often I get a thumbs-up, but I’ve had my share of well-meaning meddlers berate me for endangering my (Did you catch that word? “MY”?) child.
The latest and greatest was last fall. My son and I were riding downhill on a 30mph residential street. My son rides behind me and I keep an eye on him in my rearview mirror, adjusting my speed to his. After starting out from a stoplight, a car pulled along beside us and the driver starts yelling about how I ought to have my son on the sidewalk and that he was riding all over the place. Now, being a newbie, he does wobble a bit from a stop, but it’s far from being “all over the place”; I’ve observed that generally he wobbles toward the curb vs the traffic anyway. I politely said to the woman, “Ma’am, he’s fine.” She continued to badger me, and I kept politely repeating, “Ma’am, he’s fine.” Keep in mind that not only am I trying to concentrate on the road in front of me and my son behind me, but now I’ve got another 3000-pound distraction right next to me that I have to manage. Finally, I got irritated and said, “Ma’am, he’s MY child and I’m a professional bike instructor!”(I’m a League Certified Instructor through the League of American Bicyclists; I teach adults and kids how to “drive” their bicycles.) Before I had finished, the passenger flipped me off, and they roared away. After we got home and my husband got home from work (he’s in law enforcement), I asked him if a call had gone out on a drive-by CHINA (CHild In Need of Assistance). Wouldn’t have surprised me if one had. Good thing they didn’t know I homeschool, too.
But it gets worse–And Ms. Skenazy will undoubtedly relinquish her title to me (See “Free Range Kids, page 42).
I take my child with me on my motorcycle.
Wait, let me put on my new full-face modular helmet (that my husband doesn’t know I bought) before everyone starts pelting me with rocks and garbage.
OK. Now, I insist that my son or anyone else who rides with me is wearing proper gear: DOT-approved helmet, eye protection, long-sleeved shirt or jacket, long pants, gloves, and over-the ankle footwear (I’ll let folks slide on the footwear a little as long it’s not sandals, flip-flops, or Crocs). I went through the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s Basic Rider Course and spent some time on the bike alone before I took my son along. Up ’til this year, he sat in a motorcycle child seat that I got from Germany: http://www.stamatakis.de/e-index.htm. No way anybody in the Litigious States of America is going to market anything like this; he still needs the foot straps, though. We’ve ridden thousands of miles together and had a ball! Our family even rode to the “Tail of the Dragon” in the Great Smokys on our bikes; my son got to ride in the most comfortable seat in the world: the passenger seat on Dad’s Goldwing.
I’ve gone on to become an MSF RiderCoach so now I teach others how to ride motorcycles, too. Ms Skenazy, I would like to encourage you and any other parents out there with older children interested in learning to ride motorcycles to take the MSF BRC WITH YOUR CHILD(REN). Even if you don’t go on to get your MC license or ever sit on one again, it will take the mystery–and fear– out of motorcycles. You’ll learn the risks associated with motorcycling and how to manage those risks. You’ll learn strategies for safe driving that you’ll find will carry over into your four-wheeled driving. And you’ll have a lot of fun, too! For more information, check out http://online2.msf-usa.org/msf/Default.aspx
Ride safe!
I am so thankful for moms like you!!! I think it is all about the good sense you provide for your children. My mom taught me well and I had freedom to do as I wanted! There needs to be more parents like us!
I raised my kids as “free range” but not with that thought in mind. I trust them until they prove I cant. Fortunately for the most part I always could. Here is a letter my 21 year old son wrote me (major in philosophy):
“I write this letter in my best practice of wu wei. It is the Taoist concept of not trying to cultivate or force, to just let go and see what happens. Im telling you this for two reasons: 1. This letter is not thought out or organized, it is pure emotion and wrote on a whim 2. To thank you for your wu wei. You cultivated and shaped me to the best of your abilities and then let go to see how I do. I thank you so very much for that. I have my flaws and Ive fallen down, but it has been my life, not one forced by you and that is the greatest thing you could ever give me. I feel like I dont let you know how much I appreciate you aneverything you’ve done and give up for Manny and I. I know that you love Manny and I because the greatest thing you could have ever done to prove that you’ve been doing, putting us first without asking for anything…”
I have two boys, 5 and 2, and I just heard about this site and this ‘philosophy’. (common sense, what a concept!) I am excited to explore this site, thank you!
Had to post this in reply to Lori, even though it’s a tad OT ’cause it’s about spouses, not kids. My neighbor, who is an attentive, responsible, sane husband and dad, always dreamed of owning a motorcycle. He finally acquired one, took the safety course, wears protective gear, etc. He and a buddy planned their dream X-country trip, and his wife said “no”, too dangerous. So he didn’t go. I cannot imagine exerting — even wanting to exert — this type of control over one’s partner, who presumably feels just as strongly about his safety and his family’s welfare as does his wife, can you?
I was raised free range and my kids will be too!
Yam,
I’m dreaming of another cross-country MC trip, too! My husband’s not as interested as I am, so I may end up going by myself. I discussed my concerns about personal safety and mechanical issues on other forums with other women riders, and they all said not to let the remote possibility of bike problems or meeting some dirtbag keep you from going on an adventure.
Kinda like we’re trying to do with our kids, huh? 🙂
At the age of 34 I have just started taking classes at night without having a ride home from a relative. I’m finding out taking the bus ( I’m mildly hearing impaired) at night people watch out for each other, and it’s not all pandemonium like I imagined. On the bus last night an elderly lady handed me a toy butterfly when I said it was cute. The only problem I’ve had are when guys get on and they have bad B.O. from work, or someone is drunk and loud before getting kicked off the bus.
Here I was taught that even going out after 8:00PM would cost me my life instantly, but I’m realizing I can fend for myself. As a child I was never allowed out of my moher’s site until I was fourteen and I still have crippling anxiety. It’s only been in the past six years I’ve slowly allowed myself to be more a “Free Range Adult”. Next, despite my hearing problems, I’m going to get a doctor’s note so I can learn to drive.
I wonder if some of the current attitude about keeping kids close is connected to the average house size getting so much bigger. The average house in the United States has more than doubled in size since 1950. I notice that many of my kids’ friends play inside a lot because there’s a huge amount of room to play inside. They have playrooms and rec rooms and large living and family rooms. Siblings don’t share bedrooms. There’s so much more room to run around than I remember having as a kid.
We live in a house that’s a bit over 1000 square feet. There are five people and two dogs. The kids share a bedroom. I’m always sending the kids and their friends outside because there’s no room to tear through the house. The house is full. The kids’ friends are often taken aback that we don’t let them run through our house–they do it everywhere else–but there is simply not room to run inside without breaking something or tripping over a dog or getting in someone’s way.
It’s possible, of course, that people are building bigger houses in part because they want larger spaces for their kids to play inside. Maybe it’s an effect of the anti-free-range attitude rather than a cause. But it’s something to think about.
I am a single dad with a 9 year old son. I thought I was progressive because I let my son choose his own bedtime and his extracurricular activities. I think I am pretty close to being a free range parent. I live in the Los Angeles area and have yet to let my son go off completely on his own but I applaud you and your parenting style.
We had a recent free-range experience with my 6 year old son. I am a teacher and I took a group of Gr. 4-8 students skiing for the day at a local hill that I had been to many times before but my son had never been to. I sent him off for the requisite lesson (he’s been skiing and had lessons since he was 2 so he’s quite experienced now) with a group of students. He’s never skied without an adult before so I was shocked when I had met up with his lesson at the top of a chairlift that he was not with his group. A minute later, he literally skied into me, bawling his eyes out. Somehow, he managed to do the quad chairlift alone! Apparently he was to ride with some other students but he was too late to get on the lift so he had to take the next lift. The instructor thought other people would ride with him as he is too small to reach the bar and too young to ride alone. Other parents may have freaked out on the instructor or the lift operators. I just commented on how brave he was, wiped away his tears, gave him a big hug and he smiled at me through the tears, “Does this mean that I can ski without you now?” After the lesson I let him ski with some of my 9 and 11 year old students without me trailing nearby since they only had passes that allowed them on one chairlift and it would make it really easy for me to find them. I checked on him a couple of times and he was having the time of his life. He had an adventure of his own and showed that he could be responsible and safe. I’d do it again in a heartbeat!
I stumbled upon this site a few days ago and I absolutely love it. I was raised “free range” and plan on raising my 11 month old son the same way. He has already been camping with us and other things some parents probably wouldn’t have dreamed with a baby.
I have two very free range families to look up to. One is my sister and her husband. They actually live at a “fish site” out of cellphone contact and in bear country (yes, we are Alaskans) for one month out of the year. My almost 11 year old nephew is trained how to use a gun (for defense against predators-the animal type) and a hunting bow. My 17 year old nephew is a deckhand for a charter boat company in the summer months. And my almost 7 year old niece is already accomplished at fishing. In the photos from my sisters fish camp, there is at least one person in the photo graph packing a rifle. Not one person has gotten shot or maimed by a bear in any way.
My other free range influence in my life are a dear couple with a son that is only 6 months older than my son. They know how to safely transport him in to the Alaskan backwoods to their vacation cabin, even in winter. I know that he has ridden a snowmachine (I was there-my son was with me on mine) and a 4 wheeler-I know, don’t call social service. I must insert a disclaimer, only on the snowmachine and 4 wheeler for transportation, over groomed trails and at reasonable speeds-taking every plausible safety precaution there is. Not once have their child been hurt camping or at their cabin (7 miles from the nearest road).
Yes, Alaskan kids maybe by default raised more free range than kids in other states, but we have a different types of dangers to deal with. If we allowed fear to consume us as parents, we wouldn’t probably allow our kids and ourselves any enjoyment of life. Just a couple of months ago, I had to “sneak” my son and I in to our house. A momma moose and her two babies took up residence in our front yard and I have to be all stealthy like a Ninja to get in our house with out annoying her. Did I lock my self in my house for days? No. I was more cautious for the next day or two, but I kept my head.
Our kids are a lot safer than we tend to believe. I didn’t realize how overprotective parents have gotten with their children these days until my son was born and I joined a few online parenting forums. The amount of baby-proofing parents put themselves through. Or the panic and wondering if they should take their baby to the ER over a bump on the dead. OK?
OK, enough rambling. I just want to say I totally agree with you. Parents are way to overprotective these days and our kids are suffering because of it.
I wander the streets, meet new people, explore the woods, roam the local Target and mall, and nothing worse than scrapes have ever happened to me. I know all the neighbors on my street. I love it. But I’ve seen other kids whose parents won’t let them walk down the street alone. That’s.. kind of…. sad.
I grew up on a mixed farm where we grew cereal crops and raised cattle. We lived 60 miles from the nearest “city” of 35,000. I got to go there once a year to get school clothes and see the dentist. I had the perfect childhood. I learned to drive on a Model 55 Massey Harris field tractor. I was 10. I helped my Dad feed 500 head of cattle. My job was to keep the water troughs full, check cows giving birth, and keep the barn clean. By age twelve I spent the summer on the tractor pulling a cultivator or a swather. I learned to weld at 13 and rebuilt the engine on a dune buggy I bought with my own money that year. During harvest I drove a tandem axle, 400 bushel grain truck picking up loads of grain from the combine and hauling it to the grainery. When I turned 16 I bought a 56 chevy. Wish I had kept it. During all of that time I got to be a kid too. Baseball, football, hockey, deer hunting, trapping and…swimming in the irrigation canal – all with out the presence of adults. They were busy running their farms. I am so fortunate. My childhood gave me confidence, abilities and maturity I never would have had otherwise. My judgment and decision making skills were well ahead of my years. With out my childhood experiences I doubt I would have had the success I had in my 40 year career. Folks, you are not helping your children by micromanaging their lives. I know you think you are somehow giving them a leg up on life. What you are really doing is stunting their creative, social and “life” growth.
Hi. I am mother of a 16 year old son who was by nature an introverted, nervous kids who turned out to be an amazing, well balanced young man – I believe largely as a result of practices we were accused of child abuse for. In all honesty what we did was not without significant risk, but it was calculated and planned for and monitored, and it turns out really good for our whole family.
When he was very young, around 7 or 8 we started learning to kiteboard. My son (Erik) took to it right away on land but was reluctant to go out onto the water for some time – which was fine by me – a giant unpredictable wind-driven sail tied to my 60 pound kid dragging him away from me and out to sea (lake) is about 1000 times more dangerous than walking to school (at least). But, as my husband got good at it and as Erik got skilled at controlling the powerful kite on land, we let him decide when he was ready to take on the big challenge. He was prepared in many ways – he knew the gear inside and out – had helped set up, repair, pack up, sell and even teach some. He had been through just about any safety scenario imaginable and did land drills on how to deal with them. He also had been swimming competitively since he was 4 at our insistence due to our proximity to the lake and our love for water. And, it helped me to know that he was very cautious by nature. So, one fall day when the water was warm and the winds were steady he grabbed his gigantic kite, harnessed in, hopped on a board and headed away from my husband and I toward the horizon at what seemed to be warp speed. The feeling was like the stomach flu plus a punch to the gut – It took everything in me to stay put and not swim after him or call the coast guard – but he did fine and progressed unbelievably fast from there. He was 11 by then but still very small – no more than 75 pounds. Many, many times we had people lecture us on how dangerous it was for us to be doing this to our kid – especially after the inevitable faceplant or slow drift down the shoreline with a collapsed kite. BUT, we believed in him and he proved us right.
I am truly convinced that it is this high-adrenaline yet incredibly peaceful and nature-driven activity has given him confidence, self control, connection to nature and a sort of zen spirituality, and most evidently an outlet for his energy and emotions. He and his dad spend as much time hanging out together as he does with his friends. They are extremely close – they have bonded over scary mis-haps and new tricks and being able to count on EACH OTHER – yes Erik has rescued his dad a few times. Everywhere we go people find me to tell me what a remarkable young man he is, not because of what he can do, but because of who he is. There is a very tight knit group of mostly men who have mentored Erik and watched him grow in the sport, and he has a vast network of friends he has met from around the world at different events and beaches. He is now one of the best kiteboarders in the U.S and has a half dozen sponsors. He travels to event, and just this year we have begun to send him places on his own – with emergency contacts along the way and teammates waiting at his destination. We know we can trust him because he proves it on a regular basis, and he doesn’t run wild because he has been given that freedom all along. Erik hardly mentions any of his accomplishments to his non-kiteboarding friends. I went in to his school to discuss him leaving for a faraway event and none of his teachers even knew what he did. He is proud, but in a very quiet self assured way which seems beyond his years in maturity. Granted, it is not for every kid – our second son is ten and learning as well but doesn’t quite have the attention to detail that Erik had so we are following his lead and waiting until he is ready. Our 6 year old daughter has been riding on my husband’s chest while he kiteboards since she was two (this is also considered child abuse by most but as I tell people – just try to sink my kids – those suckers can swim) – and she already thinks she’s a pro so we are trying to slow her down a little. But honestly – I really really hope they all kiteboard or at least do something like it. I will be sick with worry watching them sail away from me for the first week/month/year – who am I kidding – it decreases but never goes away – but I am so proud of the young man my son is and how close he and his dad are that I am absolutely convinced it was worth the very real risks. I cannot think of a better way for a kid to learn about themselves and prepare for the world. Now he is filling out college applications with good grades and a long string of unique accomplishments under his belt that I have a feeling might pay off for him in this era when everyone seems to have followed the same guidebook to getting into college. Hope this is interesting and/or useful. Please feel free to check out my son’s web page erikmerrill.wordpress.com It’s a work in progress (he’s not perfect – I still have to squawk at him to finish projects)
It is refreshing to hear from farm and wilderness raised kids. Now I’ve got a good one – while in my current career as Wal-Mart cashier I was working on Saturday and was taking my break in the Subway sandwich shop located at the front of the store. In walked a mother and daughter, the latter looking to be about 12 years old. I watched in utter amazement as the daughter placed a blanket in the shopping cart, hooked her leg over the top edge and climbed in – yes, she was that big. Twice the mom turned around and could easily see the “you’ve got to be kidding” look on my face. She quickly looked away both times and headed down the aisles. I don’t know how she fit the groceries in the cart since her ‘infant’ took up so much room, but I have seen this on several occasions now and I have to wonder what these parents are supposedy teaching their children other than extreme laziness.
Shanna, I try not to post “way to go” on here too much, but your post has me in awe. Way to go!
A friend from college wrote a blog post about your book and I knew I had to read it, it sounded like it was my kind of parenting. I am only about half way through and I am loving every page.
When my first son was an infant (he’s now 6), I was told by many mothers that had multiple kids that it seemed as if my son were my third or fourth kid because of the amount of freedom I gave him. I told them it was pointless for me to stand over him all of time because he would get hurt whether I was standing over him or 10 feet away. And how else was he supposed to learn and explore his world? If I’m constantly on top of him, and now my other two kids ages 4 and 7 months, how will they ever learn to pick themselves up and keeping plugging along.
I want my kids to be independent and sure of themselves so they can become independent and capable adults. And the only way I know how to do this is to set them free now and let them know I am always here if they have questions, need reassurance, or just need a hug. It is so refreshing to read your book and see that my “parenting style” is not crazy, like a lot of people seem to think it is.
I feel like I’ve been having “free-range” moments from the moment I became a mom. I am a diving coach so my kids have been at the pool with me since birth – two of them nearly born on deck. And often times I get parents frantic about who’s kid is running around unattended because something “bad” could happen to them. I have to constantly reassure OTHER parents that MY children are fine, I can see them and get to them quickly should anything “bad” happen. They act like we’re next to a shark filled pool when in fact we are at the local high school or swim club where practice and lessons are occurring. There is always someone there, even if there is the other side of the pool from where I am. Both of my boys took their first solo “dive” at the age of one, before they could swim on their own. They would sit by the edge of the pool and splash and play while I coached. And one day when they were about a year old they ended up in the water. And to most peoples surprise nothing “bad” happened. My oldest was scooped out by one of my divers and my other boy was pulled out by his ankle by me. Neither kid panicked, but probably because I never panicked. There was no reason to panick, they had simply fallen into the pool.
I see so many parents constantly trying to “protect” their kids it makes me crazy. I actually watched one of my husband’s cousins stand over her one year old with her hands in a halo around his head so he wouldn’t hit his head on the coffee table he was playing near. All I wanted to do was pull her hands away, have the child bump his head, and say “look, he bumped his head and he’s fine, and I bet he won’t do it again.” This same parent also told me once she didn’t put her son on his stomach at all because when she did he cried. Really? So any time he doesn’t like something he doesn’t have to do it? Watching and hearing this happen just reminds me how parents get so obsessed with protecting that they forget they also need to teach their kids so they can protect themselves.
It is so important for kids to explore the world, and when the time comes, for them to explore it on their own. Thank you for writing such an amazing book and educating others the importance of being Free-Range.
Moms in the Bay Area are keeping their kids inside and searching for iodine tablets to give their kids because they are afraid of radiation poisoning. Clearly Japan’s tragedy is all about us. You’d think I was personally trying to poison their kids by suggesting their over-reaction is not only insensitive but also downright ridiculous. I’m so tired of people saying “I just want to protect my kids” regarding this issue. There is absolutely nothing to protect them from. They might as well just duck and cover while their at it. Sitting and starring wide-eyed with fear at the television is only going to stress their kids out and teach them to be afraid of everything.
I do believe there are some “positive” points you have made about free range kids such not having a shelterd child or pushing them to be reliable, responsible and resourceful. However, You have said that ” my city is safe”; this concerns me because most pepole are considered to be harmless and they will report something if they see something wrong but it is the very few(minority) that you have to be aware of. NOT EVERY PERSON HAS YOU OR YOUR CHILD’S SAFETY OR BEST INTERST AT HEART. At the end of the day, you can teach a child to nto do certain things or stay away from certain people, but its the naive nature that comes with a child and not being fully mature enough to stay away from things that dont “typically” sound or look harmful. Most predators or dangerous situations dont look or feel dangerous when you are a kid. SO the typically predator may be who your child knows to look out for but does your child know that its the person who you would least expect to hurt them, normally the one they trust. Bottom line is there is danger everywhere and you cannot teach a child to stay away from certain people or things because they will run straight into harms way of the other.
Mandy, I liked your post in particular because of the radical concept that we don’t have to panic when rescuing a child from danger. Really, what does panic add? The best way to keep our kids out of harm’s way is to teach them safety rules. Example: Whenever my kids wanted to look out over a bridge, roof, cliff, or other high place, I had them lie on their tummies. I taught them that that’s the safe way to enjoy being in a high place. Is it foolproof? No. But it beats some twisted “no roofs, bridges, or cliffs” rule.
Life’s Experiences, we can hone our childrens’ radar. We can encourage them to be sensitive and attentive to their intuitions. This is the best protection from so-called predators: “Something doesn’t feel right about this situation”.
I happened to see you on Dr. Phil yesterday–BRAVO! I’m a college professor and teach mostly freshmen and sophomores. Over the last 10 years, these kids have become progressively helpless–absolutely stymied as to what they might do when their plan A to get to class or to turn in an assignment fails. They increasingly lack the ability to navigate anything that hasn’t been spoonfed to them, possibly over the phone, step by step. They have no confidence in any of their decisions and each decision seems to carry the weight of the world and a tremendous fear of the unknown–Get a clue parents, raise viable humans.
I just saw you speak this evening in Los Altos, CA! Firstly, congratulations on a very engaging and entertaining talk, and secondly, thank you for giving me the confidence to do the type of parenting I want to do. I let my kids (7 and 4) play out front of our house and with the neighbors kids across the road. I continuously imagine our other neighbors “tut-tuting” to themselves while ushering their kids “safely” indoors. My fear is not for my kids, but for the lecture I feel I am inevitably going to have from one of them. Now I feel armed with more knowledge!
I am so happy to come across your book! I have three kids and sometimes I wonder if I’m the only parent in the neighborhood who lets their kids play outside w/o having an adult standing there to watch every move. I recently let my daughters (both 7) walk two blocks away to get bagels from the neighborhood shop where they saw an acquaintance of mine, who then immediately called me to make sure the girls were OK. I asked her if they looked OK, and she said that they were waiting in line…
My girls are also in a basketball league at the rec center for their age group, I may be the only parent who doesn’t stand on the sideline giving additional instruction to the kids. I don’t understand it, didn’t we sign them up for basketball so a more qualified person could teach them to play – not to mention having the chance to play with other kids?
I also have a three year old and he doesn’t have as much freedom as his older sisters, but he will soon enough. I don’t feel that I’m abidicating my parental duties, just allowing them to be kids, make friends, use their imaginations, without having me intervene every minute.
When I was little we played all over our neighborhood and had to be home when the streetlights came on. It was fun going out and if I went to a friend’s house, I just had to call my mom to let her know where I was. We lived in an urban area where there were all kids of people, weirdos included. Our kids live in an area that’s much “safer” but there are far fewer kids allowed to have any freedom.
This morning I was riding in the backseat of a car driven by a mom and her 14-year-old daughter, who’d been instructed to answer Mom’s phone if it rang, which she did. Then at one point it rang and she didn’t answer it.
Mom: Answer it.
Daughter, looking at phone display in a panic: I don’t know who it is!
Simultaneously: Me: “You don’t have to know who it is”; Mom: “You don’t have to answer it.”
Imagine: A 14-year-old talking to an unidentified caller!!!
I love my kids and I am overprotective, still, but I agree with giving your kids lots of freedom. I was able to go play with my friends whenever I wanted as long as I can remember. In kindergarten all I had to do was let my grandparents (who were watching me) know where I was going to be and I left. Of course, she sometimes said “no”, but mostly in my own world of alotted back yards, I could do as I pleased.
I am so scared of my kids dying, that it is not even funny or merited. My 6 year old consistantly surprises me in how capable he actually is. He deserves my trust and I deserve to chill out. I’ve found that my overprotectiveness hasn’t prevented 22 stitches in the span of less than a year and I find myself yelling and spanking my kids for the sake of safety. In an effort to protect, I’ve found myself abusive.
Little by little, I’ve been letting go with no bad consequences. My 3 and 6 year old play in the unfenced backyard unscathed. My 6 year old happily rides his bike around the park as I push my 3 year old and baby on the swings. I’m not even close to letting him ride the subway, but the kids are so much happier and actually better behaved with their new found freedom. I only have to whistle and they come running in.
The more parents that do this, the safer our neighborhoods will be, as we will all be looking out for one another.
I like your mothering philosophy.
This is how I grew up in Europe. This is how I brought up my three kids in Michigan.
There are many things I would change (both about being a child and being a mother) but living without a tight noose is not one of them.
I let my 3 year old play in the back yard by himself for short periods of time. It’s fenced in, but the fence doesn’t always shut properly and he will soon be able to open it himself anyway. So we have calmly taught him that we play in the yard and not in the street. No punishment or yelling. Just informing him of the acceptable play area. And lo and behold he gets it. I don’t find him trying to escape. And I have never ever found a stranger in our yard trying to abduct him. He also doesn’t try to play in the street at friends’/relatives’ homes unless given permission if it is a quiet road. I want him to be a Free Range Kid. When he learns to ride a bike, I want him to go far and wide on his own the way I used to.
I’m one of those moms… yes, I love my child more than anything! I am over protective and somewhat neurotic… But, I’m learning! I do believe that people in general are good and so, the kiddo is becoming a Free Range Kid. Do I worry? Yes. Am I letting that stop me? I’m sure trying not to… Wish me luck!
I have always believed that I was not given the responsibility of raising children, but was given the responsibility of raising future adults. I believe that my daughter at the age of 8 is capable being able to tell me when she is or isn’t comfortable doing things. Why should I be the one to stop her from learning, doing and experiencing things in a controlled environment instead of waiting until she is 18 and old enough and then toss her to the “wolves”. Life skills are not something we can avoid teaching! Free Range Kids all the way and kudos to all the Free Range parents who feel like we are the ones doing wrong and even needing to explain themselves.
The absolute most important thing we as parents can do for our children is to provide them with the tools necessary to live a happy and fulfilled life. Maybe we should change the focus of whether or not we might be bad parents to the kind of people we would like our children to be. I think that if we can let go of the need for labeling good or bad parents or good or bad behavior, and allow things to be what they are without judgment, we would all be happier for it. 🙂
I have always encouraged my kids to be as independent as possible, and have ended up with a very mature sensible 18yr old who even went on a plane alone to visit a friend in another country at 16…..the looks on peoples faces i loved when i told them. I was also amazingly proud when my middle daughter at just 10 handed me the phone and asked my local councilor was on the other end asking for permission to talk to her. It turned out that my daughter was fed up with the state of the local park which that she and her friends were playing in and had called up to complain. a couple of weeks later i was at the park with my younger twins and another counciler told me all about the fantastic girl that had been campaigning to get the area cleaned up, actually she’s mine i confessed, only to be told more how amazing she is and that i must be very proud………………… yes i am.
This is what independent play gives our children confidence and an ability to handle anything. I have no need to worry about my kids they will cope with anything life throws at them.
BTW she got new swings fitted and regular litter pick ups, shes still working on the grass cutting as the ownership of the land is in question but she still hasnt given up.
Ururupuin, good for you and your indomitable daughter!
My oldest son is 25 and he has traveled a large part of the world already – Europe, Asia, South America. He is currently studying International Law.
My daughter is 22. She is an introvert, but she too is fearless about doing what she wants to do in life.
My youngest son is 18. He is just embarking on his life adventures. I can’t wait to see what he will do.
Give your children wings. Don’t make them afraid.
Hi Lenore,
Just picked up your book yesterday and couldn’t put it down! I grew up in the 70’s, running around on the neighboring farms all day, walking I don’t know how many miles to school with my younger brother (obviously with no cell phone!), riding my pony all over God’s green acres, enjoying freedom and creating adventures. As a young woman, the memories that kept me peaceful and grounded during difficult times were those memories. I backpacked Europe by myself (for the most part) and would not have described myself as fearful or anxious. When my husband and I moved to “suburbia” and started a family, somehow, I became one of those women who wrestled with letting my children walk to school by themselves (it’s a 5 minute walk to school!) or go to the park by themselves (a 2 minute walk from our house!). The fear was insidious and it was no wonder my daughter was suffering from anxiety. My daughter is now 11 and has been walking to school since last September, has “babysat” her younger brother, and has gone to the local 7-11 for treats with her brother. I still have a bit of anxiety but it’s getting better and it’s more about them getting hit by the maniac drivers on our streets! My daughter is doing much better too.
Anyway, I want to thank you so much for the reality check and the affirmation.
Our children need the freedom to run and adventure and the freedom to just breathe. Those are the lessons, the moments, and the memories that will sustain them when life becomes challenging.
When I look back at my child hood I am so thankful to my parents for giving us the freedom we had. We had full run of our neighborhood, with boundaries of how far we could go. Like many others it is a different story for my children, but as time goes by their responsibility and freedom increase as we all feel comfortable. Reading this blog and the comments has helped to calm my fears and arm me with confidence in myself and my children. My husband and I are fortunate to be actively involved with most of our childrens activities, We live in a small semi-remote community with a pop. of about 800. One of the benefits of living here is the sense of community and we know most of the parents and children. I have heard the term that it takes a village to raise a child, and most of our citizens genuinely take this seriously, some by volunteering to run sports programs, even if they don’t have kids. The town designates funds and employs 3 people to run programs specifically geared towards the youth of our town. We are very fortunate for our opportunities. I strongly believe that parents should be careful not to burden others with their children’s freedom and expect the village to raise their child. I experience this time and time again. Children as young as 3 are brought to sports practices and dropped off, with the parent requesting that someone drive them home after. The parents who attend the practice are left helping gear up the child and keep an eye out for them, as well as their own children. Rules then need to be made and enforced about leaving young children at sports functions.
Or an older sibling is left in charge and doesn’t really keep an eye out for the younger child leaving the parents present responsible for them. I will gladly help out any parent with their kids if they are stuck for a babysitter or need an extra hand, but assuming that someone else will look out for your child is irresponsible and unkind. It is essential that children are taught how to be self sufficient and given freedom at a reasonable age. And do your community members a favor by helping your child to be an asset to the community, not a burden.
Fascinating article. Your theme is great and very accurate. This is the most intelligent, encompassing and agreeable post.
Thank you for your advocacy for parents raising independent children. I often get glares and reprimands for letting my 5.5 year old son run a block ahead of me on a walk (he knows to stop at every street), play in/on the car in the driveway while I’m inside and visiting the toy section in the megastore while I do my grocery shopping. I firmly believe that he is capable of and better off for small acts of independence. Shame on parents who don’t allow their children to learn through their own experiences.
I’ve always been for free-range as a parenting philosophy, but I didn’t put it all together until I read your book. I take a relaxed approach to letting my daughter (now 7) play at neighbors’ houses, as long as she comes home at 5PM. Today I let her and a friend walk the 0.7 miles (and back) of suburban sidewalks to a local Dunkin Donuts to buy a donut with her own money. I posted the news on facebook and people were immensely impressed, like I’d just climbed Mount Everest! 🙂 Some also expressed the desire to do similar with their kids, but they were too afraid. I tried to talk them into buying the book!
My son is 2 1/2, and he is already starting to follow his sister’s free-range lead. I think when he is 4, I’ll be ready to let him roam our street with her.
Finally, I am also more than ready to let my daughter walk to/from school alone. However, the neighbors aren’t yet, so it would seem like I was dumping them on her! At our school (5 minute walk from our house, closer than the D&D), kids can’t leave alone on foot unless they are 2nd grade or above. She is in 1st, and let me tell you, I’m going to work on the neighborhood crowd so that next year we all let our kids go alone, together.
P.S. I wish this page was sorted with the newest posts on top!
I understand the dangers of being a helicopter parent. But the alternative is not to be a free range parent either. There is a happy meduim. And yes, maybe it would take something like 600 hrs of your child standing outside before they were abducted, but why would you even want to risk it in the first place when kids have ever been picked up outside their home or school? It’s your child! I have total confidence in the intelligence, independence, strength of my 5 yr old daughter. That is not what it is about. Its about what I see and experience myself every day on the streets and transportation systems of NYC. It is not wanting her at 10 (or 12 or 15 for that matter) to experience things that horrified me at 23 and even now at 47. There are just too many creepy, aggressive, sexual, or outright crazy experiences to be had in one trip home on the subway or one short walk around the corner. Why would you want your child to experience that on their own? What is the value to be had in that? I dont think it is independence inducing.
Before I read your book I never would have considered myself an overprotective parent. In the context of modern parenting, I was probably smack in the middle: not too paranoid but not super lax.
But most parents today are filled with fear – and not having ever been a parent in any other era, I had nothing reasonable to compare myself with.
Thank you thank you thank you Lenore!
Today my 5th grader and two of her friends took the public bus home from school. It was a big deal for them, but I insisted they do it. And it was fine. Yes, we live in a big city (San Francisco), but I grew up in Manhattan and traveled all over with my friends. By the time I was in 6th grade I was babysitting newborns. And nowadays people pay for babysitters to watch their middle schoolers!
I want my kids to grow up to be sharp and street savvy and strong and independent. If they need a little nudge to become so, then as a parent I need to push my worries aside and encourage them to taste freedom and get out into the world.
We are raising a generation of kids who are going to grow up to be incompetent, timid, incapable adults. You want your child to succeed? The free-range kids of today will end up being the ones who have the strength and ability to run the country. So forget worrying about whether your kindergartner will get into an Ivy League school: start teaching your kids how to maneuver through the world without constant supervision and they will grow up with more of an advantage than most of those overprotected kids with helicopter parents. And while you’re at it, make sure they know how to fix things, clean up after themselves, and do their own laundry.
An 8-year girl was abducted and raped this week in Federal Way, WA. She was was with a group of friends at a neighborhood playground, no parents present. As I suspected, commenters in the Seattle Times are starting to jump on that fact, calling for criminal prosecution of the mother who wasn’t there watching her daughter’s every move. This is distressing to me.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/theblotter/2014766947_1_million_bail_for_suspect_in.html
I whole heartedly agree, I grew up learning the stove was hot by getting burnt. I came to university this year and I’m the only one who knows how to provide for myself. Its ridiculous have reliant everyone is on their parents to do it for them. If you’re presented with a challenge you’ll raise to it, if you’re coddled through life you’ll stay at that same easy level. I can’t stand parents who won’t let their children have an independence, congrats on making a stand and good luck in the future.
I’m all for more freedom for my kids especially my 9 year old son. I remember being his age and spending my time outside all the time. As a kid we would get depressed if we couldn’t go outside. Just wish I could convince my wife. We live in a small town in PA but unfortunately we have TV and the internet so we get all the over the top, sensationalized stories. I totally agree to keep them safe but no freedom stifles independence and learning the lessons needed to survive as an adult.
I don’t want to smoother my kids but there is a healthy type of parenting that says kids need to be molded to be good people because their innate nature is selfish.
When you are consistently thinking about how to please yourself with no fear of consequences a lot of trouble can result. I think more about underage sex than abduction and bad ideas left unchecked than physical danger.
I truly believe kids should be able to ride bikes (I have to admit mine don’t always wear a helmet) around the block and to play with no “visible” supervision. Not every little mistake should be jumped on and they should be allowed to work out disagreements or rules to games on their own. I do think it is foolish not to keep an ear or eye tuned in to what is going on.
I was a free range kid and I had sex way too early, tried alcohol way too early and had a fowl mouth just because I could. I did what felt good at the moment which was not always the best thing to do. I came from an upper middle class family, my mother and father taught me values and loved me but left to my young pleasure seeking brain and the other immature brains around me I did much more than kids should do.
So while I’m not a helicopter mom I refuse to be free-ranger. I believe that layers of teaching and supervision mixed with independence make a healthy adult that wants to be on their own and transitions well.
I allow my kids to watchfully-play in our neighborhood with free-range children but everyone seems to end up at my house “the one with the rules”. I don’t structure games or anything, I think they just feel safer knowing that an adult is there “just in case”. If you keep letting your kids roam I promise to keep a watchful eye out for them
Stephanie
Stephanie, free range parenting does not mean “no rules”. What you’re describing is an absence of parenting. You are a free range parent, you just don’t know it.
I am an American mom raising my 3 year old daughter in Bangkok Thailand. I am always amazed how my defenses go up when I visit the US. I am much more concerned about my daughters safety here, I never take my eyes off of her, I don’t trust strangers around her, etc. This is the polar opposite of our lives in Thailand where alarm-ism and fear-based thinking are not the norm.
There is a huge adoration of children and everyone looks out for any child that is in their vicinity. There is a large amount of trust and with that responsibility on the part of the public to take care all children. This takes ‘free range kids’ to a whole new level. Restaurant staff often scoop my daughter up and take her to the back of the kitchen to introduce her to some family member or other. She can easily get out of my sight in a store and I don’t panic, she is always found a few minutes later playing a game or talking with someone she just met. I don’t live in fear for her, as I do when I am here. What kind of “developed” nation do we live in – afraid to let our children talk to strangers or to walk to the neighbors house without supervision?
There is a song with the line – “sweet little baby belongs to everyone”
I love it because it makes me think of how we ought to see children. Everyone ought to look out for everyone’s children, all of us together. This would foster a warmer, safer and more trusting environment for all our kids to grow up in.
Stephanie,
I’m not convinced all kids are born selfish. I have two children, one can be incediably selfish but the other has never ever been selfish. It depends on individual personalities. being a Free Range Parent does not mean your head is in thesand and you don’t have a relationship with your child.
Now, I wasn’t exactly a Free Range Child myself, but I at least grew just before cell phones became ubiquitous and I’ve witnessed enough helicopter parenting around me to wonder how people who grew up without cell phones are the most addicted to them of all.
For example: A certain friend of mine used to have to text her mother ever time she got on a bus (I don’t even think she had to text the information that would at least make the text remotely useful if she got mugged or something). At least now that she’s in another city she doesn’t have to do that anymore, but her parents text her all the time, and then text her again and again when she doesn’t respond (because, say, she was on the phone at the time). When she was going through the throes of breakup, her clingy ex-boyfriend would do this to her, and I told her to ignore him, and that, if she was only replying to shut him up, that it was decent grounds to block him. Later I realized that this response wasn’t obvious to her and she put up with it as long as she did because she got this treatment from her parents all the time.
So, not only she has parents who flip out if she doesn’t call them for two days, but who repeatedly use technology to remind her to lock the doors (all the locks) and to turn the oven off (did she have some amazing misadventures in cooking in the past, I wonder?).
She is 25 years old and working on a graduate degree, and the cell phone issues are just the start of how helicopter parenting is driving her insane (I could go on and on). She’s not even willing to move back to her home town because of the in-person helicoptering, but she’s afraid she’ll never be rid of the cell phone version.
Is there some kind of hotline for this sort of thing? I realize that this is website is about children specifically, but this is the image of the future of helicopter parenting that I see the discussions here warning about. I mean, she really makes me look like I was able to run wild and free (speaking of which, she’s not much of a walker and within the first month of rejoining her in this grad school, I was teaching her things about our current neighborhood she hadn’t figured out in her two years living there ahead of me, so maybe I was more free range than I thought).
I recently read the front page column in USA Today and raced to this site. I was moved almost to tears in relief that this may somehow start a movement to free both children and parents from this prison of helicopter parenting that has taken hold in our society.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have been given a guilt trip or chastised for even considering allowing my children certain freedoms when their age and maturity allowed for it. Most of the time I follow the socially-acceptable norm, no matter how silly it may seem, simply because I am afraid of a visit from the authorities after a call from a busybody.
My heart has been broken for the children of our society. My tween stepson who came for visits was like a boomerang when we sent him outside to play. He had no concept of free play outside and would return home in a matter of minutes no matter how many times we tried to pry him off the video games and kick him out of the house to play. My daughter’s beloved home daycare provider was investigated by DFS because she allowed the children in her care to chat with strangers at the public play scape even though she was present the entire time. A boy with special needs in her care, present at the time, needed to be physically led by the arm at times to stay at a safe distance, which was also reported. Even though, partially due to my efforts to defend her, she was not found “guilty”, she no longer feels comfortable taking the children to public places and will not care for special needs children any longer because the risk of undue scrutiny is too great.
I could list so many instances in my personal experience with my own children that I have felt insecure letting them roam a little free because of this kind of public scrutiny, but I’m sure you can guess at most of them.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for advocating both for children and parents to roam free. I can only hope that by the time I have grandchildren some of this insanity will be a thing of the past.
like sharonne a few comments above, i’m raising my kids in thailand – we’re in chiang mai – and free range is the way it’s done here. my kids are 11, 14 and 17, they are smart, capable, independent and blessed to not be hovered over. thailand just celebrated their new year – songkran – and my kids were loaded in the bed of a pickup, the oldest two on the tail-gait, and giving buckets and water guns, they spent hours playing in the biggest water fight ever!! they ride in the back of trucks on field trips. they head into the mountains for 2 night field trips on roads that are only accessible by foot or motorbike. frequently i think that the things my kids experience here wouldn’t be allowed in the states – what a shame!!
You know what, Worried Grad Student?
Tell your friend, seriously, that it’s time for some major tough love.
Whatever she does, she should NOT respond to any text messages from her parents. She should NOT answer the phone from them unless it’s at a set time no more than once a day. If she picks up for them, she shouldn’t call them later. No more than once a day on the phone with them – and a short phone call. If she wants to stay close to them, she should write letters or email. Nobody expects an instant reply to that.
If she sets up this new rule for herself, and sticks to it (the worst thing you can do, just like with little kids, is be inconsistent), they’ll eventually catch on and stop bugging her every single minute of every single day.
My son is now 2 years old and I have a very hard time letting him play outside at our house without one of us hovering within arm’s reach. But – sadly, I have a good reason. Our back yard includes a steep vertical drop, and my little headlong rush would be tumbling down sooner or later. And our front yard is postage-stamp sized and out to the street. He does play outside out front quite a bit, with one of us near enough to prevent sudden street rushes.
I’m looking forward to the new house that we are moving to. It has a big fenced back yard with no boulders, drop-offs, etc. I’m pretty sure he can slam into things, fall off things, scrape his knees, etc. – but I don’t think he can actually endanger his life out there and look forward to letting him tear around it while I sit on the patio, many feet away. (He is only two. Being inside while he does that will have to wait another couple years, I suspect. If only so I can catch him before he eats MUCH dirt/grass/bark mulch.)
I’m reading your book and love it! It absolutely speaks to my heart. I have decided to let my daughter go on an adventure (a bike ride to her friend’s house alone) and I can’t tell you how excited I am and I know she will be ecstatic.
Anyway, my husband makes a couple of points that I don’t really have a comeback for. First he says that neighbors don’t know each other like they used to and so we don’t know when something or someone is amiss. Does that matter? Also, he suggests that the crime rate against children has gone down because we now protect our children better and there is less opportunity. He is actually a perfectly sane person but makes a good argument. Thoughts?
As a middle school teacher and mother of three, it is SO nice to hear some logical parenting discussion! It’s our job as parents to not only keep our children safe but also to prepare them for eventually living without us!
Anyway, my husband makes a couple of points that I don’t really have a comeback for. First he says that neighbors don’t know each other like they used to and so we don’t know when something or someone is amiss. Does that matter?
It may matter. Go out and start meeting your neighbors! It’s not exactly an insurmountable task. It’s like saying “My kid can’t wear shoes with laces because he can’t tie his shoes”. Unless there’s more to the story here, the solution, if he wants to wear lace-ups, is to learn to tie his shoes.
Also, he suggests that the crime rate against children has gone down because we now protect our children better and there is less opportunity. He is actually a perfectly sane person but makes a good argument. Thoughts?
1. The crime rate *in general* has decreased, in all areas, not just against children.
2. Given that statistically speaking the people most likely to vicitimize any given child are his/her family members (followed by other people known to the child), and that this hasn’t changed in the past few generations, that argument makes no sense anyway. It’s not as though crime by strangers was ever really a driving force.
(Actually, this holds true in a lot of ways. Most murders? Committed by people known to the victim. Most rapes – almost all rapes, in fact? Committed by people known to the victim.)
I have a friend who wanted to put a ‘sting’ on her young children (ages 7, 5 and 4). She wanted to set them up while they were on an independent walk around the block and have a stranger (a neighbor or someone they didn’t know) approach them and tell them their parents were sick or hurt and that they should go with the stranger, to see if they would go or not. She was going to give them a real live situation and decision to face so that they understood how ‘believable’ it might be, etc.
I’m pretty sure I talked her out of planting such a scary memory in their little heads. Talk about passing our fear onto our kids…
Uly,
I do appreciate your feedback. You make some great points. I guess the point about the neighbors is that even if we’ve ‘met’ the neighbors we don’t know them like we used to. As a kid, almost all our neighbors were the same from the time we moved there until my parents moved away some 25 years later. Now we live in townhome community with many more people and a lot more moving in and out. And not having any yardwork to do outside keeps lots of people who don’t have kids, inside. Some neighbors never go outside, so there isn’t the same opportunity to meet them much less get to know them. Everyone used to know everyone. Now it is just different. In the end, I don’t believe it matters. If people can give their kids independence in NYC, I should be able to do it MN suburbia. 🙂
Overprotective parents love to call us lazy because we do not hover over and micromanage our children every second of every day. I don’t think it takes any more or less “effort” it is just a different kind of effort. I spend plenty of time supervising my son as he tries new things: making sure he is as capable as he thinks he is, showing him the safest ways to do things, reminding him not to do certain things when he does not have a grownup with him, etc. Rather than protecting my child from every imagined danger, I am teaching my child skills. Some are practical skills, as in the best or safest way to do things. Some are cognitive skills, as in how to make smart decisions about what he should and should not do. Some are simply stating and restating of “rules” for things I know he is not ready to do, like cross the street by himself. I choose to foster his independence and develop his decision-making skills rather than following him around and making all of his decisions for him.
My favorite example is my son’s love of climbing. He has been climbing things since before he could walk. At 18 months, he started trying to climb the ladder at the playground. The first time, I stood behind him with my hands inches away, but I still let him try. When he found that he could not manage the last rung of the ladder, he asked for help and I gave it. I continued to help him with that last step for the months it took for him to be tall enough, strong enough and skilled enough to get all the way up. When he had mastered it, I stepped back and let him do it by himself. Yet I would often see another parent rush over to assist him because for some reason they had decided that they knew better than I did what my child was capable of doing.
At the age of 2 he decided he was ready to sleep in the top bunk. His tendency to use the sheets to pull himself up onto the bed made me nervous, so rather than not letting him do it we got a couple of handles and installed them at the top of the ladder. He has been climbing into the top bunk ever since. At the age of 3, with my husband standing below him ready to catch, he climbed an 8 foot retaining wall. Would a lot of people think I was insane for even letting him try? Probably. Would I trade the certainty of never letting him try for the look of joy and triumph on his face when he succeeded? Never.
When I was a kid I had lots of freedom and I had a LOT of injuries and various accidents- but they were ALL worth it. Every single one. I wouldn’t have changed my childhood for any safe little stupid bubble world for anything.
I let my kids run free and if they get hurt – then they do. Serious injuries are very rare. If you really want to avoid serious injuries then stop driving completely and never leave your house.
I made a post a couple of weeks back that noted that people are born selfish. Children can react differently about those that they love but in the elementary stages of development they mostly think about doing want makes them happy. If we came out already knowing everything and behaving correctly there would be no need for parents or so much time to mature into an adult.
I love to bring out snacks or join a game to see what is going on. Not just to snoop but because I enjoy my kids. I loved those posts about Thailand, seems like parents don’t have to be so watchful because everyone is watching. Unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury.
Again, I’m not concentrating on abductions or crime (although I would say your community matters with this philosophy) but instead on the culture. There are many parents in my community that accept everything that comes on television as a gospel. I am consistently combating really bad judgments that tend to sway my children.
When you get a neighborhood of over sexualized under parented kids off together with no one checking in you get a lot of mess to deal with later. I wish the kids would just ride bikes and play games but in my neck of the woods it’s just not that simple anymore. My kids would blow in with the wind if all they had to manage were scraped knees, fist fights, bee stings and broken windows.
I agree 100%. My youngest is now 20 but my wife and I often fought over her “babying” our kids. They had to be picked up and driven everywhere. It drove me nuts and I can’t say it helped the kids. Only made them more reliant on others. When I was 12 we moved from the Bronx to Yonkers in 1970 but I took two buses and a 1 hour commute to graduate from my grammar school. And the city was much more dangerous then. I turned out ok. (my only criticism is your web site name “Free Range Kids”. Did you really need to link our kids with poultry? I think you tried a little too hard to be clever.) But I agree with your parenting. Izzy sounds like a great kid and will probably be a confident successful adult. and isnt that a parents first priority. Keep up the good fight.
Stephanie, I’m loving “over-sexualized, under-parented”. That phrase just about sums up today’s parenting.
When I was in 6th grade–about 1947–we had school safety patrols. There were about eight of us, and four or so routes. In pairs, we’d line up the 1st and 2nd graders who didn’t have rides and get them across the first major street. The longest route was about six blocks. Just us and the little kids, no adults. When I got to high school, most of the school bus drivers were high school students. Nobody was molested. Nobody was kidnapped. Nobody died.
It’s not just moms who are helicopter parents. Today during my lunch break, I saw an American helicopter dad. The base where I work is split into two parts. To go from one side to the other, you have to cross a major street at a light. The Armed Forces hotel where many Americans stay when they come to Garmisch is on the same side of the base where I work. Hotel guests often walk over to the other side to go to the PX or Commissary. I walk over to the other side during my lunch hour to stretch my legs and get a little fresh air and exercise.
As I was walking to the other side today, there was an American man with his two daughters. The girls looked to be about 7 and 9 (+ or – one year). When the light turned green, the dad told the girls that everyone had to hold hands crossing the street, which they did. Just before getting to the other side of the base, there’s a bridge over a river. There’s also a railing on both sides of the bridge to prevent people from falling into the river. When the father and 2 girls got to the bridge, the father told the girls to stay away from the railing because it was dangerous and they could fall into the river. Huh? The bars on the railing are pretty close together. Even a toddler would have a hard time fitting between them. When they got to the base gate, the father told the girls to stay way off to the right in the pedestrian area (there is a roped-off pedestrian area at the gate) so that they were far away from any cars. No car would be able to get into the pedestrian area, but it didn’t matter to that dad.
I feel sorry for those poor girls. They are growing up believing that everything in the world is dangerous and to be avoided. My son was the same age as the younger girl when he started walking or riding his scooter to school by himself. He had to cross a busy street at a light and made it without having to hold an adult’s hand. He also knows that he can look at a river over a railing and not fall in, even when leaning on the railing.
If my sister lets her kids play in the front yard, they’re not allowed to go past the front walkway which runs the length of the house. They aren’t actually allowed to go in the 20 ft stretch of grass because they’d be too close to the traffic that crawls along her quiet residential street.
I was flipping channels this weekend and caught a few minutes of “E.T.” We can all agree that everyone loves this movie; it’s a national treasure, correct? In the ten minutes I was watching, Elliot’s 5th grade science class was about to dissect frogs (!) and kill the frogs themselves! The mother was called to pick him up and told Gertie, who was maybe five, that she would be leaving for ten minutes and Gertie was to be a good girl. At home. Alone.
So depressing how much things have changed. I was just imagining the apoplexy of today’s parents watching this movie.
@Abby: Yep. I left my EIGHT year old alone for a few minutes to drive her older siblings to their bus (1/4 mile away) on a really bad weather day… AND we BOTH had phones with us — you know, just in case some tragedy occurred in that 5 minutes. Even so, my mother (a helicopter grandparent) had an absolute FIT when she found out. After the fact. When nothing had happened.
Hi Lenore,
I love what you are doing – keep it up. I do my part here in Austin – in small ways, I always tell parents of little ones to look away and pretend not to see if their tot falls – let them figure out how hurt they are without your reaction.
And in bigger ways – I started a summer camp last year, Urban Explorer Camp, I teach kids how to get around Austin by bus and how to be safe and smart while they’re doing it.
Thanks again,
Sheila Gordy
I love this! I have 4 children (my oldest turned 4 last week) and I have no choice but to allow them freedoms and I couldn’t be happier about it. I notice that my kids tend to adapt easier to new situations and have a much easier time going off on their own rather than stick to my side. I have been scolded by family members for letting them run down the driveway (??!!) and riding their bikes along the sidewalk in front of our home (on a cul de sac!)…Craziness. I thought you might get a kick out of this website
http://www.worknwoman.com/worknmom/badmommyclub.html
Utterly laughable. What a world it would be if the worst mistake we ever made with our kids was to wash their bottles in the dishwasher! 😉 Apparently I am a “bad mommy” …Keep up the good work!
Teach your children to stay off the ice, teach your children not to talk to strangers, teach your children to not ride the bikes in the road, teach your children to be responsible then you don’t have to worry as much! I always worried but believe in giving children a chance to live. As for the woman that let her child ride the subway: As long as he has ridden with his mother and knows what to do and how to get help, why not??
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for your sane stance on parenthood! How are we going to realize that our kids are quite capable if we don’t even give them a chance to prove it?
To add, I’m getting so annoyed when I find a boy who’s been dragged into the ladie’s restroom by a mom who can’t even take a quick pee without having him nearby. I’m talking about a boy who is at least 8 or 9 years old! And they seem to be getting older every year. I don’t know who’s more uncomfortable, the kid or me.
Hi Lenore,
I was telling a story of my free-range childhood to my mother-in-law (whom I love, actually), and she was completely scandalized…..
The story goes that when I was 12 years old, my parents dropped me and my little sister (age 7) off at the airport to go visit my grandparents. I’d first flown alone at age 8, and many times with my family, so I was an old hand at flying by then. My parents made sure we were checked in, but then they left: they didn’t walk us to the gate, and that’s even back when you actually were allowed.
In a little while we heard that our direct flight had been cancelled, so I took my sister to the counter and asked them to rebook us on a connecting flight. I listened while they listed off the airports we could fly through, and chose Charlotte, where I knew they had a Pizza Hut and a Disney Store, which would keep me and my sister occupied for our 2-hour layover.
After confirming the change, I went to a pay phone (this is before cell phones) and called my parents to update them on our flights. They calmly told me they were proud of me and that they hoped we had a good time visiting our grandparents.
The whole flight went smoothly: my little sister was calm and quiet, and we had a great time in Charlotte riding the people-movers back and forth and hanging out at the Disney Store. We made it to our gate with plenty of time to spare and with no compulsory (which I understand it is since about 2000) assistance from any airline attendant. Our grandparents met us at the gate upon arrival, and made no bigger deal about our travel than our parents had.
It wasn’t until years later (I’m now 27, married, and considering children of my own) that I realized how strange this was when it felt so natural to me, and I think it’s a shame that my mother-in-law finds it so upsetting. I’ve thanked my parents many times for allowing such freedom and independence, and I can only hope that I can provide the same environment for my kids one day. Thank you for everything you do, and keep it up!
Hi! When I was 8 I started going to school on my own, it was a one hour long bus journey and I did it every day since…it’s true that my mother tried to follow me the first time (but I saw her) and the second time (and I pretended not to see her). I can understand her concern but I don’t think that she did anything wrong in letting me do this. I’ve become more independent and got to know my home-town much better than any of my other school friends. I didn’t have a mobile phone, but I could always make call her from public phones and as long as I let her know where I was and what time I’d get home, I was allowed to do everything that I wanted, so yeah I went to the park on my own, unsupervised with other kids after school. And her trust in me enriched our relationship tremendously!
I’m now 21 and moved away from home to go to university in a different country when I was 19 and it looks like I’ve survived and I now want to travel more and explore.
I want to do the same with my children and completely support your initiative!
This is SO refreshing. Discovered you through a parenting magazine where your blog was mentioned. I’ve recently moved to St. John’s, NL but the last place we lived, we discovered a like-minded group of friends. We’d get together, kids outside or in the basement, parents eating, drinking, making merry upstairs, and it was so much fun for all, parents and kids. My daughter was in Gr 1 and walking to school. In our new city, I had to fight for the right to have her come outside the school to meet me, where I have to pick her up. I don’t understand why some people think we can’t teach our kids to be careful, and to make their own decisions. I’m all for Free Range Kids!!
Thank you. My stupid ex-wife never allowed this. Kids these days never even go outside. And we wonder why they are obese.
Hi all, what age would/do you let your children stay home alone (generally thinking about something in the 1 – 4 hour range)? I have 2 girls 11 & 8.
@lancem:
It really depends on the children’s level of maturity (not necessarily their ages), but I guess it’s just a question of training them. Maybe the eldest does well on her own, and not so well if she’s in charge of the youngest. Maybe she’s more prone to get in trouble, and the youngest is more trustworthy.
Nobody really knows better than you do. If you’re not sure, maybe you could start with short periods of time, and go on from there, trying to think of the more probable events they would have to face (a stranger knocking on the door, for example), and tell them what to do when that happens.
In my case (4 kids, ages 7, 6, 4 and 3), I trust the eldest to stay home to do her homework while I take the others to the park, and then have her meet us there. I wouldn’t be so comfortable if the 6 yo wanted to stay behind, too (although the only thing that would probably happen is that they switched on the TV and got nothing done).
I let my children do what they can. They go to school a half hour away, and my daughter wanders all over the area there, son not yet-school rules. At home, we live by a busy street (people travel 50+ mph on a 25mph street and my yard has been run over three times, so you aren’t even safe there) so they have to learn ways around the psycho drivers. I’m more worried about them being run over.
Sadly, there are few kids running around because their parents all put them in after school whatever-sports, plays, day care. I miss the days when kids kind of rolled from one yard to the next, wandered into the nearest child’s house and had a snack or drink.
I have been thinking about this topic so much as my children have turned into teens. I always thought of myself as an “attachment-style” parent when my kids were babies. Then everyone was all about pushing their kids away to “cry it out” and “sleep through the night” so you don’t “spoil the baby” and so they’ll be “independent.” I just held my babies and comforted them and believed you couldn’t spoil a baby. I read “The Continuum Concept” and a lot of my ideas were shaped by it.
But the flip side of attachment-style parenting of babies is knowing that they will grow into confident toddlers and young people and will begin exploring the world as they are able.
I think our society has it backwards right now. We push babies away and try to get them to be “independent” before they even know what that means but when they are old enough to start to develop real independence we don’t let them.
Anyway, I meant to write to say that my 13 year old daughter just had an after school detention today that all sprang up from her forgetting her note in which I gave permission for her to ride another classmate’s school bus home. She ran into the school to call and get permission and the principal stopped her and said she had to ride her bus home if she didn’t have a note. My daughter knew no one would be at our home until late that night and she would be stuck there probably with no key since she wasn’t planning to go home. My independent daughter probably didn’t respond in the best way to the school principal, which is why I didn’t argue about the detention, but insisted that she had to go home with the friend and ran into the office to call anyway. (Disobeying the principal is what got her the detention. But really she was between a rock and a hard place at that point. Granted, she knows the rule and shouldn’t have forgotten the note!)
Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about these issues and this example is just another one in a long list. I’m not sure why a 13 year old needs the school to oversee whether she goes home with a friend or not. At other schools in our community middle school students walk home and to lunch as they desire. I assume if they don’t go where their parents have given them permission to go, then they get in trouble with their parents; not the school.
I was talking about this with my husband when he ordered a beer at a restaurant and then waiter asked to see his ID. My husband is 42 years old but the law in our state is now that all people who order alcoholic beverages are ID’d, even if they appear to be elderly and using a walker. I realized I was barking up the wrong tree if a grown man can’t order a beer without identification. 13 year olds are not going to be treated with more freedom than that.
I grew up in a small neighborhood outside a large Midwestern city. I don’t remember how young I was before I started roaming about the neighborhood by msyelf, but I don’t think I was older than 8. I explored train track near the neighborhood (never saw a train). Walked for miles without incident.
I now live in suburban DC. My daughter is 6. I would love for her to do as I did. The other parents are very judgemental, and would probably call Social Services on me if I let her do what I did. Or worse – not let their kids play with mine. I plan to let her start walking to school later on but will feel better if she’s with another child. We’re lucky to have a large family next door. If we didn’t she would be playing by herself a lot.
I really don’t like how things are now. There is no good rational reason for it.
How a Watch means Freedom:
My 8 year old daughter is one of a few kids in the neighborhood. We’re a “city” residential area so the streets are connected. There are 2 girls her age on the street and one on the street behind. Its spring. I don’t want them in the house… so I kicked them out. Here we have 4 maybe 6 girls in the house. It makes my head hurt. They were even bored. So I made my kid a deal. If she has a watch on she can go. No watch, no leaving the yard. Go to the other kid’s house, go to the park (its around the corner and just behind her one’s friend’s house)…. GO! Be home at whatever time I say (dinner, street lights.. whatever). She knows the rules and did get me when there was a problem. She looks both ways to cross the street (several times in fact) and asks to pet a dog. They are even trying to dig to China from what I hear… and open a bug exhibit.
I trust her in this small radius as she’s 8. Its a big step for her. I used to run around our street when I was her age. As long as she checks in.. we’re good. Thank you for all the stories and support.. Kids should be kids.
I am TOTALLY FOR IT! I am the step mother of a free ranger who is now 18. She has moved out of the house and is living on her own. Because of her experiences with us she is in a position that is somewhat hard to get through. She is more responsible then the rest of her friends. It can be challenging for her at times. However she loves the fact that she is confident and has her head on straight. We have discussions about the ways her friends were raised. And while there were times that she wanted to be wild over free range, at this point she is understanding and appreciative of the way she was brought up. I was a free range kid and have always felt that a self assured confident kid (or adult for that matter) is the safest person in the world. Knowing how to handle yourself and be aware of your surroundings is so important. As my husband and I are trying for a child I am glad that more people are seeing the benefits of raising a kid with confidence and with the freedom to grow and be who they are. Thank you for the book. For those of us who have been practicing this, may we not seem so crazy now.
Hi. I have only one kid, a boy who is about to turn 19. So I guess I only had one chance to get it somewhat right, and I’ve been really relieved the last year or so to realize that I basically seem to have stumbled on getting it right.
I was lucky, I guess, looking at some of the statistics in your book, that with a kid born in 1992, I squeaked in ahead of the curve when it came to true obsessiveness. 24 hour news was certainly around, but perhaps it wasn’t as pervasive, and I can remember still being shocked when my kid was in elementary school to hear that a significant number of the ones in our town who were in middle school had cell phones. I managed to hold out until 7th grade, at least.
I really do hate televised news (I have actually managed to still not have seen the footage of people jumping out of the World Trade Center towers, and I’m hoping I can continue to keep this up for the rest of my life) and I think you’re right in saying that watching it gives you a skewed outlook. We never ever had the TV news on in my house until my son became a politics nut and began campaigning during the 2008 election. (Got himself an internship at a local campaign office, I want to boast, which is one of the things I mean about starting to think he’s turned out okay.) Luckily by then he was adult size, etc. etc. and even though I’m a worrywart, I really couldn’t realistically worry about pedophiles, because it is quite amazing how much of the morning news is taken up with this stuff.
What strikes me most now is that while I honestly was trying not to be a helicopter mom, it was -still- an enormous shock when he turned 18 and I no longer had legal rights to be a busybody. For instance, my health insurance company automatically switched his medication info (he’s an asthmatic and allergic to peanuts and nuts) over to being only viewable by him. If he gave permission, they would link us back up (or I expect I could have pretended to be him with his SS# etc and never let him know he had this right, since it was a website and I had all the pertinent info) but when I asked him to give me permission, he politely said he would rather handle it himself. And I do give myself brownie points for not hassling him about this. I pointed out that if he did this, he couldn’t come shrieking to me about being late for refills. So far he has not died or even been hospitalized, although I’ll admit it was tough to give up that control.
And that’s what I really wanted to talk about. I can look back now over nearly 19 years and reflect on the worst things that happened, and they were most of them pretty laughable.
We got a dog when he was 14, and for nearly a year, I was apparently blithely unaware that he was walking the dog at midnight and later. I was going to bed around 9:30 PM (long commute) and I guess I thought he was doing it around 10 PM, which was kind of the cut-off time in my mind. (And believe me, this is not the kind of dog that would protect anyone from criminals of any kind, since he is small and fluffy and very friendly.) We live in the kind of suburb of New York that you choose especially for the low crime rate, etc. so it did seem silly to get too freaked out, especially since absolutely nothing had happened during that year.
We eventually got a rhythm going during his teenage years where he figured he could trust me not to freak out if he’d been doing something for ages and it had been okay. So at some point he did tell me that he’d been stopped by the police one time at 3 AM to ask him what he was up to, but that once they saw the dog, they merely pointed out that even in our town, it might not be the greatest time to be out and about. Which goes to show in fact that we have the sort of town where the police have nothing much better to do than stop random teenagers, so it’s probably pretty safe. (And that maybe our taxes are paying for more police officers than we actually need, but I think it is comforting to all the mothers.)
I think he told me about the 3 AM thing to shut me up about the night after a theater cast party, when I’d thought he’d be home by about midnight (cast party supposedly ended by 10 or 11 at the latest) and I woke up at 2 and he still wasn’t in. I did go into a total panic and start calling his cellphone every 3 minutes until he finally picked up after about 15. I point out in justification that he -could- have been run over by a car, and he probably didn’t have ID on him so if he was unconscious or dead nobody would have contacted me. He was actually pretty funny. He said indignantly, “Well, I was walking [name of girl] home because it was so late. You wouldn’t have wanted her to have had to walk home -alone-, would you?!”
So, anyway, it was a really unpleasant 15 minutes, but I did manage to keep from calling the police, which I was heartily glad of when I did manage to get him on the phone. And if that is absolutely the worst thing that could happen in 19 years, I figure things must have been okay.
I could go on and on, but perhaps this is enough. Thanks for making me feel sane, because I did get raised eyebrows from people occasionally, and it’s good to know I have company.
Oh, and finally, since I do live in the New York area, I do remember vaguely hearing something about the mother who actually let her kid ride the subway by himself at the time it happened. Since I avoid this type of local news, I just kind of shrugged and said “Oh, well.” And I think my reaction was thinking it seemed a little extreme, but when I read your book, it all seemed pretty reasonable. Mine was a lot older before I was comfortable with the subways, but we didn’t live in New York. I work at Rockefeller Center and he would come in from New Jersey by train on his own, and the first few times I went down to Penn Station and met him, and then we worked up to him calling me when he got in to Penn Station and checking that it was still the F train and that the subway stop was still in the same place as before, and then he’d hop on and ride 2 stops through midtown. And after a while, it was quite obvious that it was ridiculous to worry, so he and his friends would ride in on their own and roam around the East Village. And the worst thing that ever happened there was that I realized I didn’t have my house key with me, and had to track him down in Union Square so that he could give me -his- house key. Which is actually pretty funny when you think about it. There was a lot of stifled laughter from his friend and him, but they have nicely not reminded me of it since.
My kids are grown and they were raised free range. They are very competent adults. I have no particular comment at this moment, just trying to get back on the feed. Somehow it stopped and I miss it.
I just came back from Argentina and one of the observations I had was that both kids and dogs are freerange. Neither of them are eashed to their owners. They are free to wonder and are not afaid to do so. Kids happily play with other kids. You see small kids (4 or 5) walking down thesidewalk without an adult being within 10 yards of them. They know they need to stop at the street corners and wait for their parents. A North American kid wouldn’t know what to do because they’re never given the chance. It was refreshing to see. I saw the same thing in Chile a couple of years ago. I think one of the big differences is that they don’t get the 24 world news coverage there and as a result they don’t hear about every murder of kidnapping from Kabul to Cape town.
The “nanny state” has arrived in my town. Sad. And my 8 year old is having a hard time understanding why she can’t do this anymore. And I don’t know how to explain it to her.
http://www.theintelligencer.com/local_news/article_5461724a-71b7-11e0-a45a-001cc4c002e0.html
P.S. Planning on NOT voting for ANY of my current council members next election!
Thought you’d like this. Since several children were injured, let’s ban all bounce houses. Better yet! Let’s ban all dust devils!! yeah!
http://www.weather.com/outlook/videos/raw-dust-devil-tosses-bounce-house-20613
Thank you for this book! I admit, when I saw the initial reports of your son’s adventure on the subway, I was a naysayer and a name caller. Oh, the things I called you (apologies!) I admit, I brought baggage to my parenting. Two neighborhood girls had been lured from their backyard when they were in 2nd grade, and I in 4th. They were missing for a day and then found dead. I brought these two girls along and they were my judge and jury with almost every decision I made as a parent. And then, I recognized the symptoms of anxiety in my oldest child. He was scared of everything and everyone. And I was completely to blame. As an educator, I recognized that I had created the very type of child that I resented having in my classroom. He was an easy target for bullies (both school age and adult), who would immediately recognize the signs of weakness and pounce. I also had a kid that God forbid the worse case scenario happened, had neither the confidence nor the fortitude to help himself. So slowly, I started letting the control go. He balked more than I at first, but slowly he grew comfortable being outside by himself and exploring as did my two younger children. And as an added bonus, they learned how to settle their disputes BY THEMSELVES. No more need for me to play referee 24/7. Rather than drag all the kids to the other kids sporting events, we leave them home for the 30 minutes or an hour overlap. Have there been some bumps in the road and on their bodies. Sure. We even have some scars from falling out of trees or slipping on ice. Have I let go completely? No. We make sure our kids are prepared and make sure they are clear that they have the most important role in keeping themselves safe. Get separated in the mall. Just stop. Don’t panic. Move to the side, pretend to window shop and I’ll find you. Same plan if separated in the woods, minus the window shopping of course. In case of fire, meet at the end of the driveway. We do have a family plan for home invasions which does sound crazy, but we live in an area that is actually being studied by the FBI as we have such a large number of home invasions compared to population that it has statistical significance. My kids have flourished knowing that they are in fact capable of keeping themselves safe and knowing what to do if ever. They also know how rare that if ever is. yesterday, my oldest decided he was going to climb on top of some industrial storage containers that are stored by one of the practice fields. he spent an hour jumping from one to the other. Then I recognized from his posture and movements that he was considering jumping off an onto a pile of dirt. The mom next to me recognized it at the same time and asked me if I was going to yell over and stop him. I said no, because he was going to jump anyway and if I yelled to stop him (because there was no way I was going to be able to walk over in time) he needed to be 100% committed to the jump and not be distracted, or he would get hurt. The look on her face made it clear that she would be telling her kids that evening that they would never be allowed to play at my house again. And he did jump, and he walked away with the biggest smile on his face – and all the kids that weren’t allowed even on the containers all thought he was the coolest dude ever!
So, I am getting there slowly and weening myself and my kids off my crazy. My kids have spent countless hours on their bikes, but never off of our private way or the 50 mile bike trail we are fortunate to live near. this summer they want to play wiffle ball games with some of the kids in our area of town. Each weekend, I take them on their bikes out on the road and teach them the way to ride a bike when there are cars and logging trucks going by at 25 to 45 mph. And I may not be ready to let them go completely by themselves. I may ride along with the to the field they’ll use but then continue on and get some exercise in myself. Baby steps.
I love the FR concept. On the very same day I saw FR mom on Dr. Phil, I was just sharing with a friend at work how glad I was my son lived in a world of freedom. I taught him to pay attention, speak up for himself, make decisions, have CONSEQUENCES, about the dangers of strangers, taught him to cook, clean, wash clothes, manage his money (he received no allowance until he could count money) … and then .. I let him GO !! He roamed the woods with his friends and had an awesome FREE childhood. Today he is 27 – the result?
He worked his way through college, paid cash (he earned) for his first late model cadillac, has lived on his own since he was 20, is self employed and earns a six figure income.
FR moms ROCK !!
To Chemgal: I applaud you for learning to let go, but what is wonderful about your description is that is states so well what free range parenting is. It is teaching your children and then letting them go to try things on their own in an age appropriate way and what is safe in your neighborhood. Free range parenting is actually very difficult because you are always teaching, thinking, and holding your breath a bit as you let go. But you will raise a child who will be a strong, independent and capable adult.
YES! Just how I grew up in the 60s and 70s. Our whole neighborhood was full of free-range kids. And yes, we got hurt. We broke our arms. We skinned our knees. We bumped our heads. We got in fights. We got dirty and messy. We swore and told dirty jokes. We encountered creeps and learned to deal with them. We fished in the creek and fell in. And so we learned limits and strengths and independence. We learned to think for ourselves and negotiate and get along deal with jerks. And I believe parents put their children more at risk of injury or death by driving them to school than the kids would have if they walked or rode their bikes. We are suffocating kids!
My experience. My children’s experiences.
I grew up outside of Cleveland, Ohio. We lived on a dirt road with neighbors, neighboring roads, paved and unpaved had neighbors. We were two miles from the Town. My neighborhood friends and I spent lots of time outdoors where our parents did not know exactly where we were. However, we all knew the sounds of the bells at two of the neighbors/parents. Depending on which bell was rung, we knew to go there immediately …for dinner or whatever. We spent a lot of the time in the woods, walking around, wading in streams, or climbing rocks in the small ravine, fishing for crayfish by lying on our stomachs with a string, hook and chunk of bread. When bored, we went one time to a neighbor’s that we didn’t know very well or in some cases at all….knock on the door and say ‘hello.’ My mother DID ask me not to do that anymore. Later when I got my bike a couple of us would ride two miles to the Town on a hot summer day for a phosphate and then ride back. Later I made that same ride when I was older and worked in the summer for a veterinarian.
Our children grew up in a more populated New England town. They too roamed, played in the school yard, knew the neighbors, rode bikes downtown, etc.
chemgal, I’m inspired to write because you sound like such a thoughtful, aware “convert”. But particularly because you don’t just shoo your kids out the door and pray: You’re out there with them, teaching them, cycling with them, and setting an example. Good going!
All I can say is you are 100% correct, Lenore! I admire your willingness to speak out about this perverse move in America the last two decades toward what I call a “child worship” culture. I was fortunate enough to grow up in traditional America where we ranged free as you describe, and we survived with better attitudes, superior work ethics, and *gasp!* freer than the poor kids today. Keep up the good work, and don’t let the nanny state types and obsessive helicopter parents get you down!
I can’t tell you how relieved I am that I found this blog! Thank you – Thank you for giving your son the opportunity to take the subways by himself. Our jobs as parents are to teach our children how to be responsible adults, and that just doesn’t start in college. I never bought into the “Stranger Danger” approach but it somehow still made it through to my son. We live in a town that the parents hold their children’s hands till they are in 5th grade and they look at you funny when they catch you not following suit…I grew up a mile away from here riding my bike until the sun went down – I want that for my son, I don’t want him to be afraid of his surroundings. Thank you for starting this (it is normal, thanks for bringing it back!)
I, of course, love your blog. I recently bought your book on Kindle and had to write a blog post on my own blog to give it the props it deserves. Excellent.
I am a Free Range mom with Free Range Kids. I didn’t know it had a name until I read your blog. Now I spread the word to all my friends. Let the kids outside! :o)
So my day has been spent on this and opposing blogs… I am obsessed.
Polar opposite views:
http://kiddiescornerdeals.com/2011/02/child-what/
Since I have been obsessed all day – I have made a plan of attack.
I have all summer to prep my son to walk to school by himself in 3rd grade, alert the neighbors of the movement, his friends parents along the route, the crossing guards at our major street ect… He is already responsible for packing his own lunch since he won’t eat what I pack for him and he has been waking himself up, dressing himself and packing his homework with a 98% success rate for the last year. I’m not trying to kick my kid out or rush him into adulthood especially when he is not ready, but I am going to get him ready and comfortable because I want to trust him and I want him to enjoy some independence. I have mapped out a simple bus route to go over to the library/park once a week for us to go together so that in 4th grade he can get to the library comfortably. Nothing has pumped more blood into my system as a parent than the discovery of this blog – not that it’s rocket science but for the fear I felt from the surrounding community (We live in a city that spews safety and the parents are still helicopter – ish)
I have traveled all over the world with my son – I don’t want him to be blinded or biased – he’s been through Europe (Holland, Portugal and Greece) and Thailand to visit my family. I caught hell for leaving my son with my extended family for the Summer. I can’t tell you how many people I told, offered to adopt him from me… somehow bridging the gap of cultures has become abusive and neglectful? My son had a great time, he did hit his head when I came back for him 1.5 months later and I had to take him to a Thai hospital for stitches but over all he made a lot of friends, easily. He got to spend quality time with my grandparents, aunts, cousins, neighbors etc…And he has a broader view of the world, different cultures, languages, sights, smells and food. I was heart broken the whole time. But I am looking forward to more trips like this in the future… hopefully with less opposition.
So one last thank you – I can’t wait to read your book
Just finished the book. My kids are 13, 15, and 18 (graduating in 2 weeks!). It was nice to read a book that seemed to “get” us! Other parents haven’t always quite understood us but it’s nice to know that my intuition has been right all along (of course I knew it was; just nice to find some kindred spirits).
I wanted to share a poem that my 13 year old daughter just brought home as they are cleaning out their classrooms & lockers at school. She wrote it last Fall. I think you’ll all appreciate it.
I AM FROM…
I am from sitting on the back porch eating watermelon
from climbing the old pine tree in my back yard and getting sap all over my hands
I am from horseback rides int he country on a warm summer’s day
from grandma’s home made cookies and watching Star Wars all night.
I am from jumping in the leaves at Fall and getting them in my hair.
from building snow forts with my brother and throwing snow balls.
I am from mud pies and dirt cookies
from playing in the creek and catching fireflies.
I am from tractor rides with grandpa and cooking with grandma
from home made popcorn and lemonade too.
I am from clean clothes clinging to the line blowing in the wind
from the sweet birds that sing to me and me singing to them.
R.L. Sept 23, 2010
Hi Elizabeth
What a beautiful poem by your 13 year old daughter.
I have been reading some of the posts and i’m wondering why being a free range parent in the USA is so threatening to some parents who are not? I’m guessing its because people are becoming less tolerant of difference which is a real shame, how much they are missing out on.
My child has autism, and sometimes I feel as though I can’t let him out of my sight in our own home. I think it is important to be aware of not over-doing it with the safety, but I also think it is important for each parent to make their own decisions based on what they know about their child and their family and their neighborhood. In the past, we had closer-knit neighborhoods and families, and free-range childhoods were easier because there were more eyes available. When my children leave the house, no one is looking out for them at all.
I don’t think there is any one right answer for any of these popular parenting topics.
I LOVE THIS! I remember as a kid leaving the house in the morning, coming home for lunch and leaving again until dinner…. Now the very same woman who didn’t have the faintest idea what we were doing all day long, says to me “he just went out the door”! yes mom and he is in the front yard, which is a lot closer than I was as a 6 yr old with my 4 1/2 and 3 1/2 year old siblings in tow! LOL… mind you my son (who is 3) has a monkey backpack with a “leash” tail that I take with us places like amusement parks, zoos and aquariums so he doesn’t get lost in crowds (and mostly because he dawdles) but still, I sit on the bench at the playground, and try as much as possible not to get involved in too many squables that he can solve himself.
Three cheers.
When I was young my parents protected me so much that by the time I was 20yrs old I had no clue what to do with my life. I had no life experiences and was unable to make any decisions for myself. I was always running to my parents asking them what I should do. I felt like a 5 year old in a 20 year old body. I had no self worth or confidence.
My father was a a man who ruled with a heavy fist and was a hypocrite, a do as I say not as I do type person, who enjoyed using words like idiot, stupid and loser when I didn’t live up to his expectations. I was the youngest of three and the only boy.
One morning, when I was 20, after a night of heavy drinking, I decided I was behaving like a child. I was unable to hold down a job, had dropped out of college twice, and was constantly turning to my parents for help, even though I hated my father. Waking up that morning, hungover, I realized I hated myself, too.
So, I decided to go down to my local Coast Guard recruitment office and I signed on the dotted line, got on an airplane, and spent 4 years in the Coast Guard.
I am now 52yrs old, self employed for 22yrs, and happily married. I rarely see my parents and live 3,000 miles away. But that’s ok. It’s not a perfect world.
I still tell this story to people, because joining the Coast Guard was the 1st decision I ever made for myself and it is the best decision I have ever made, though I have made other good ones since then.
I have become a person who is confident and listens and believes in himself,
And it all started with that 1st time when I stepped out in the world and trusted in my ability to take care of myself. If you don’t take the risks, you will never enjoy the rewards. The greatest reward, to me, being confidence and self worth.
Though I didn’t realize it at the time, it changed my life and who I am, forever.
I am very much for this “movement”. And to anyone saying that raising kids to be “free range” is negligent, I’d like to say that I believe it’s far more negligent to not. It requires a great deal more effort, creativity, foresight and bravery to prepare kids for their explorations of the world, assess their developmental readiness and have the discussions with them about possible dangers and ways to avoid them and act responsibly than it does to simply hover over them, ready to catch them if they fall. Ironically, I see “helicopter parents” as much “lazier” parents – all that’s required is fear and presence. For crissake, people, TALK to your kids, let them discover who they are, independent of you, and them them try and fail and learn and grow, without watching their every movement, but be there to talk and listen and learn from them when they want to regale you with stories about their latest “quests”
@Melissa:
Also, it takes a LOT of cringing and wincing, and you have to deal with that sour-sweet aftertaste when you realize they actually don’t need you anymore…
I really think this is the part many people are not willing to face, and I sort of understand.
Well said Melissa. My free range raised son and daughter are now 29 and 34, and yes they don’t need me anymore to live their lives fully and productively. But they call and visit because they enjoy being with me because I do not try to run their lives, criticize them for their decisions or in any way treat them like children. I am still their parent, not their buddy, but they invite me to join them on things they know I enjoy. For example, my 29 year old daughter loves to go to live concerts with her friends, but she invited me to go to an all women concert and to a Joan Baez one because she knows I enjoy them. My son regularly sends links to web sites or articles he knows would interest me. Because I let them grow into themselves, as adults they see me as an individual too. And they ask for advice now and then too, because they know I will just give my thoughts and ideas, not try to tell them what to do.
I know several parents with adult children the same age who hovered and held the reins so tightly growing up and now they complain that their children only call on major holidays. One mom was really upset when she found out that her son who lives several states away had been in SF for a conference for a week and hadn’t called or visited. My children’s friends still call and stop by and sometimes crash at my place when they are in town.
And my children stay in touch regularly because they know my voice always reflects my joy in hearing their voices, my unconditional love, and they can count on me to be excited and proud when they share their accomplishments or new interests, and to listen and commiserate when they share their frustrations without telling them how to fix them unless they ask for my thoughts.
Thank you so much. I just read your post over at theweek.com, and I had not heard of you previously. I am 23 years old, and not only plan on being a mother and teacher, but I remember in my own childhood having the freedom and lack of fear your speak of. I see how other children today are coddled and wrapped in “cotton wool” and wonder why. My parents were not alone in how they raised me, where we lived, children walked miles to school, talked to strangers, played outside after dark, in the park, wandered the woods alone and unsupervised. Our parents had faith that we knew enough what true danger was and how to respond accordingly. I didn’t live in metropolitan area, so I never had the chance to ride a subway by myself until I was about 19, but I truly believe that I would not be the strong independent and capable person that I am today if I had been treated the way children are today.
I plan to raise my children in the same way and I applaud you for being so vocal in this. Again, thank you.
This idea makes me uncomfortable, which is good. But I’m not 100% sold yet.
The intent of your idea is to shift parent behaviour patterns to improve the outcomes for our children. We all want strong, confident, happy, creative kids. That hasn`t changed in the past 40 years.
We have changed the social structures that supported kids to roam the neighbourhood in previous generations: stay at home moms, extended family close-by, neighbourhood watch…masses of children used to move through the streets together.
Aside from the pedos, a much more real threat was bullying, Not all the time for everyone, but back in the day, kids used to climb trees and play in streams and also beat the crap out of each other.
Yeah, you can argue that Billy got beat up every day after school when he was a kid but look at him now, he’s a survivor. He figured out how to outsmart the bullies, what great self-esteem that gave him. He’ll do well in life now. Hardships make us grow.
What if raising kids was about letting go of the outcome? Would it matter if we helicoptered them or if we gave them a housekey and said go? What if we loosened child labor laws and let our kids go to work after school? Wouldn’t that give them self esteem and increased life skills?
Does it really matter?
A Calvin and Hobbes revision with interesting free-range implications.
http://gerrycanavan.blogspot.com/2007/08/mcsweeneys-presents-calvin-hobbes-movie.html
A caller to the Dr. Laura radio show this morning said she was upset because her father, who was watching her kids (aged 6 and 10), had dropped them off at a park while he ran to the Post Office. The woman was wondering if this was OK.
Dr. Laura reacted in outrage, wondering if she suspected her father had some form of dementia or mental illness. She explained that maybe this used to be done “back in the day” but that “THE WORLD HAS CHANGED!” She then advised the woman to never leave her children in her parent’s care again and told her to immediately cancel a trip the lady’s kids were looking forward to to visit old Grandad!
The Free Range Parent in me wanted to jump through the radio. Perhaps I’ll send Dr. Laura a copy of your book!
RE: Dr. Laura…
remember, she’s dependent on *ratings* and reactionary attitudes get ratings (like Nancy Grace and how she always has the ticker “Breaking News!” running on her show). If you really want to get her, call into her show and ask her to produce FACTS that prove her point. She won’t be able to since the facts show crime is WAY down. Of course, if you call with that aim, they’ll either hang up on you or verbally berate you on air.
On a totally different note:
When I was 14, my friends and I would regularly go to the local large amusement park (in a MAJOR city and was about 30 minutes away from home) in the summer for the day with (gasp) no cell phones and no parents. We had season passes and would get dropped off when the park opened and not be picked up until the park closed. My mother was the one who most frequently drove us.
This SAME woman now won’t let my son go with his friends to the local convenience store — even with his cell phone, their cell phones, and the fact that we live in suburb of a very small city.
And I’m left wondering how she became such a helicopter grandparent!
Here’s one. A game designer took his 5 year old daughter to a (gasp!) gaming convention. He prepped her on how to behave and why she should. He then spent time with her actually MAKING a computer Flash game. He did it to spend time with his daughter the way HE saw fit, showed her that SHE can actually make a computer game, and (according to the most recent update at the end of May 2011 — last month) the game has apparently gone VIRAL. It’s a cute little game! Our youngest played it and when I told her a little girl younger than her made it, she had a HUGE grin on her face!
http://www.untoldentertainment.com/blog/2011/05/24/sissys-magical-ponycorn-adventure/
Cyn that’s so cool. Reminds of Sleeping Queens, a game made up by a 10-year-old whose family plays lots of BOARD GAMES (imagine it!) together.
The foundation for a better life (www.values.com), the people who put up all the “Pass it on” billboards, have a commercial out I thought you would enjoy. The commercial opens in a concert hall on a couple and one asks the other about where thier child is, each thought he was with the other. The curtain goes up, and the little boy (6 or 7 maybe?) in his suit and tie is on stage at a piano, and starts to play. The parents look totally embarrased, but then the Pianist comes out, and tells the little boy “keep playing” and starts to play along with the child! The commercial ends with the words “Encouragement: Pass it on”
(I don’t know how to insert a video here, but its on thier website)
Our children spend hours running, jumping and playing, without parents hovering over them. We get updates on their progress when thirst and hunger draw them back inside. We were raised this way and want our children to have the same experiences. The Piggyback Rider, however, allows our shared adventures to go further and farther. Our children are up and down, on and off. This gives them moments of rest, a different perspective on the outing and time to bond with us. In the end, every outing becomes a BIGGER adventure!
Danielle, thanks for sharing about the http://www.values.com web site. I watched the video of the boy playing the piano. Wise pianist too. Had he embarrassed the boy or further embarrassed the parents, he would have lost the audience. But we never know how far each of our bits of encouragement go for children or other adults. This boy might become a concert pianist because of that moment of encouragement.
I am very excited to have found a title for the parenting style I find myself using. To most of my astonished neighbors in a well educated , pretty liberal neighborhood I usually reply, “I grew up in the country. I always went barefoot to walk downtown by myself” My children (ages 11,9, and 6) often walk to school by themselves- it is all of 2 blocks away and there is a crossing guard on the way. One day I told the kindergarten teacher that I would not be at pick up and it was alright to release my daughter to her 11 year old sister to walk her home and she made me sign a note saying this was okay, “just in case something happened so she wouldn’t be held responsible”… Which makes me realize it is not just our parenting style but our attitudes in general that can give our children the wrong message- never trust anyone or always assume the worst. I have a friend who will drive 10 miles to return home if she thinks she forgot to lock her door , just in case someone is roaming her neighborhood in broad daylight trying every front door until they find one unlocked so they can rob that house. This friend’s 8 year old daughter asked me one day if I am afraid that the people who help me clean my house every two weeks will steal things from me.
We need to teach our children to assume the good in people- as they will find it about 99% of the time….
One more story- As I was questioning one day whether or not to let my children eat the cookie dough we getting ready to bake, my sister said to me “Have you ever known anyone or have even known anyone who has known anyone who has ever gotten sick from eating cookie dough? ” That answered that question for me.
I am going to my library website to order your book right now- as risky as it is that someone may hack my library account, steal my card number and abuse my library privileges…
BRAVO!! and an ‘atta girl!’ to Lenore. I grew up a total latch key kid; at age 8, I was responsible for my 2 younger brothers, then ages 6 and 1. We grew up in a lake neighborhood. It was not uncommon for ‘gangs’ of kids to roam free from sun up to sun down. In the winter, we played ice hockey on the frozen lake sans parental supervision. Safety in numbers! We had the smarts to be on our own. The older kids watched the younger kids. We didn’t need parents unless there were blood or guts. Around the time I was 10, we had the scare of ‘the man in the tan van’; a creep driving (you guessed it) a tan van, asking children for directions, then supposedly trying to abduct them. Our parents taught us handle those situations, in the event that we were approached… you know what we did? We kept our eyes open, ‘armed’ ourselves with hockey sticks and walkie talkies. You know what we DIDN’T do? We didn’t stop playing.
My kids are 7, 5, and 1. My 7 and 5 year olds play in the yard by themselves often (sometimes going off the the neighbors house to play with her pets and sneak candy, but they always let me know where they’ll be). One day, my mother was over, and says ‘Rachel, these girls need toys to play with in the yard! They’re out there with nothing!’… I looked at her, the same woman who let my brothers and I run free, and retorted ‘Mom! I can’t believe those words came out of your mouth, you of all people. YOU taught me creativity. We had rocks and sticks and sand to play with… but to us, they were swords and castles and space ships and everything else imaginable. We had FUN… without toys.’… She took a second to think that over, then says ‘So I did okay?’… I smiled and said ‘You did GREAT; I’m just passing it along’.
Just goes to prove you can have happy, healthy, smart, SAFE children by free ranging through the generations. Keep it up!! No more hobbit kiddos, hiding indoors from the world! The world is beautiful and exciting and there for the taking.
I love what you are doing, and I find it crazy that you get labelled “America’s Worst Mom” when there are frighteningly deranged cases of parental OVER-involvement out there, like this one:
http://www.parentdish.com/2011/06/21/mom-threatens-little-league-official/
Keep up the good work!
So my 4yo daughters are now crossing the street on their own (selected streets). This free-range stuff requires hard work and true courage! I wish it wasn’t seen by so many as laziness / craziness.
http://online.worldmag.com/2011/06/23/being-too-good-of-a-parent/
Saw this article today and made me think of Free-Range kids
It’s sad to think of our children growing up frightened, their curiosity only being full filled by images on a screen. I grew up in NYC as well & took public transportation, rode my bike in the street & even skateboarded w-out a helmet from an early age. I love to explore new places & meet new people & eat their food! I want to give that enthusiasm for the unknown to our daughter as well. She is only two, so no subways just yet, but we take her everywhere with us so she can develop the taste for all the wonderful adventures our world offers.
I haven’t visited your site for a while. It was really reasuring to come back and read your blog and some of the readers’ comments of support. Sometimes I feel like the nutty parent, letting my children have “guided freedom”. Here in the UK kids are so unbelievably cossetted that it is incredibly difficult to give children any independence because it is so ingrained that we mustn’t let them out of our sight at all! My cousin lives in Germany and her son is not allowed to be walked to primary (elementary) school because it smothers his sense of independence, according to his school! How refreshing. When we go camping in Spain and France, my husband and I notice how much freedom children, even quite young children, have compared to ours. I worry about the future of our country sometimes.
Great site. Keep up the good work. 🙂
I stumbled across this website, and I am so glad I did! I am 19 now and just finished my freshman year of college, but I am happy to say that even though helicopter parenting was becoming rampant during my childhood (90’s, early 2000’s) most of my friends, my brother and I were free range kids! Our parents let us ride our bikes all around town when we were 7 or 8, and we were allowed to go to stores by ourselves or go for ice cream. Even when on vacation on Cape Cod, my brother and I were allowed freedom throughout the town. Our parents never even gave us a map…we got lost and eventually learned our way around town! By 8 I had flown cross-country by myself with absolutely no fear. My neighbors and I ran all around the woods in our area, fishing with homemade fishing rods (fish hooks! oh no!) and climbing trees. Minor issues happened occasionally, and once a neighbor fell through the ice on a frozen pond which was admittedly dangerous and did require parental assistance, but all ended well and for the most part we did what we wanted and learned from our mistakes. I have just finished my first year at an Ivy League university and landed an amazing summer internship with ample responsibility, and I honestly credit all of it to having been a “free range kid.” Being raised as independent taught me responsibility with my schoolwork and life in general, which obviously contributed to my getting into college. Once there, I felt far more prepared than many of my friends, some of whom couldn’t even navigate the city subways on their own, even with a map. Being a free range kid made me independent and taught me not to blame my mistakes and failures on others but to examine my own actions and try to improve myself. I feel like I am lightyears ahead of my peers when it comes to navigating the real world (both figuratively AND literally, as I was never allowed a GPS in my car and therefore learned to get around on my own), and I could not have been happier to have been a free range kid. Parents, listen to Lenore! Your kids will grow up to be independent, fearless, and responsible and they will love you for it. I am living proof.
I’m watching you on P&T’s show right now. It is really easy to see who lived a sheltered life simply by the comments posted here. I rode the subway by myself when I was either 7 or 8. It wasn’t an every day occurrence, but I had to get to my friend’s house and I was with my mom at work. All she did was make sure I got on the right train at either 34th or 42nd street, and all i had to do was get off at West 4th. I didn’t even think anything of it, it was something I did a thousand times, but this time I did it without my mom, big deal.
Lenore:
I wanted to tell you about my experience this week:
I give my kids less freedom than I had at their ages, but much more than most (all?) of my friends give their kids. Anyhoo, on Tuesday, I left them in the minivan while I mailed a package at the post office. I often let them stay if it’s a 5 minute trip into a store. I came back to the car (3 minutes later, at most), and found the older girl (7) lecturing the younger one (5) about talking to strangers.
I asked what happened. Apparently, a man getting into his car next to ours said “hi” to the little one, and she said “hi” back ( car windows were open). The elder girl thought this was bad, bad, bad. She had been taught in school that ANY stranger saying ANYTHING to them was a dangerous situation.
I proceeded to have a discussion with them for about 10 minutes about common sense. We talked about being friendly, being cautious, and trusting our feelings. I assured them that nobody had ever tried to take me or touch me in a bad way, and it probably would never happen to them. We talked about knowing our neighbors, and knowing who to go to if something happened that made them uncomfortable in any way, and Mom and Dad weren’t around. We talked about how to fight and scream if they were in trouble. We talked about how to navigate the world in a sane, responsible, and friendly way. I reassured them that it’s my job to teach them how to do that, and that I would never put them in undue danger. We talked about how school teaches many good things, but some things that our family thinks differently about.
Finally, we talked about how childhood is an adventure, and about how much they learn from doing things on their own, and how much I value their curiosity and friendliness and fearlessness.
Thank you for your movement. The support I have found here keeps me trusting my instincts, and trusting my kids.
My husband says I have a face that looks like someone who cares. So frequently someone tells me about a horrific story from their life. I have heard about losing children to senseless accidents, children that were raped, parents who trusted someone they should not have, etc. Giving your children some room to grow makes sense, but keep in mind our children are our most precious gift. I have been to New York City and always take taxis: 1) because I do not feel safe and 2) because they smell. So act like a parent and set some reasonable guidelines.
I am not a parent, but I am a full time nanny and have been for 7 years. I am only 25, so sometimes I feel that people look down upon my free range nannying. I get looks and questions that lead me to believe that people think I’m an irresponsible young adult. Although, I do not let that change my ways. I believe that it is really important to allow children a sense of freedom. I let the kids (2.5 and 4.5) play outside in their locked and fenced back yard alone, while I sometimes do things around the house, or read/check email/rest because I work for 10 hours straight. Sure, I check in on them and make sure I hear the laughter and screaming that is normal for them. Also, I don’t require them to hold my hand when we go for walks, and if we are on a quiet street I allow them to cross it alone (as long as I double check for cars first.) Honestly, I feel the kids are calmer with me than anyone else. They tell me the truth, don’t fear that they’ll get in trouble for little things, and know right from wrong. It also makes my long days easier and a little more stress free.
ALSO!
The little girl that I nanny for goes to a camp in Baltimore City. Recently they sent home a notice stating that they aren’t allowed to apply sunscreen to the children unless it is spray. They also required the parents to sign a permission slip so their child is 1. ALLOWED to apply sunscreen AT the camp and 2. able to have assistance from a counselor to do this. The assistance is limited to spraying the sunscreen on the child and spraying it into the child’s hands so they can apply it to their own face. They can’t even use a stick of sunscreen on the child’s face.
I found this terrifying! I can’t believe that now something as important as applying sunscreen has now become a danger to children.
Hi. I’m in Australia, where overprotective, litigious parenting aren’t quite as extreme as the US and UK.
But I do now feel the need to unburden myself after receiving a call this morning from one of my son’s best friends to say that during today’s playdate (which is happening in my back yard as I write) her son is not allowed to go to the park unaccompanied by me. Our sons are 8 years old and the park is literally around the corner in a dead end street. It backs onto the bush and the kids have a great time playing their by themselves.
My son has been walking himself to school since he was 6 and has great road sense as a result. He has been taking his sister (5 yrs) to the park and up to the local oval to play for a few months now. So the idea of the boys and little sis going for a play by themselves seemed like a natural extension of what they already do. (And not a patch on what I got up to with my brother when I was that age.)
But according to my son’s friend’s mum there are paedoes (sic) lurking on every street corner and her son hasn’t the sense not to wander off with one.
Interestingly, her son is allowed to play his DS and surf the net unsupervised for as many hours as he likes in his bedroom. That, in my mind, is irresponsible parenting.
And, naturally, her son has little interest in going on independent adventures, reading books, riding his bike, walking his dog…
And we wonder why so many kids are obese and myopic. And boring pains in the arse!! (Just like their parents…)
On the other hand, it makes my partner and I all the more determined to give our kids the freedom and independence that we believe they deserve. Next year they will be catching the local public bus to school. And they’ll continue to go to the park on their own.
Go Freerangers!
Sydney parent.
Sydney, glad you wrote in. I’m dying to know what your solution was. I’d feel put upon by a parent who demanded that I give my visiting child more supervision than I give my own. Yet if the other parent cancels on her kid’s “behalf”, your kid suffers too. What did you do in the end?
Hi Yam Erez
I have to respect that parent’s wishes. So the kids didn’t go to the park by themselves. End of story.
But I did let them walk to the local library pretty much on their own (well, no one said they couldn’t do that!?) and I did nip off to buy some sausages and left them on their own in the playground – in the dusky dark! – for all of 5 minutes. I said to my son’s friend “Just don’t tell your mum!!”.
You know, this kid doesn’t want to go to the park without a grownup anyway. His parents have instilled such fear of strangers in him that he doesn’t even feel safe with a bedroom window open (he just told me that – he’s sleeping over).
But on the positive side: while I was at the playground I ran into a local mum who is also a bit of a freeranger and she told me about another mum who we both know who is a freeranger too. A lo and behold, her two kids (9 and 7) rode past us – unaccompanied by an adult – as we walked home in the dark. Cool.
I know we are doing the right thing by our kids. But it was nice to have a bit of a moan here and read other people’s crazy experiences. I’m sure sanity and common sense will prevail in the long run.
Sydney parent.
Dear Sydney parent I so want to go to your park with my kids.
I have enjoyed reading your website and agree with many of the points you raised. Our fears have become over exaggerated and this has impacted on children experiencing childhood in a healthy way. I think however, this is also about balance. We have become an over protective generation who are not giving our children freedom and whilst I suspect this does come from unrealistic “stranger danger” it is also about an increased knowledge in how children’s brains develop and what children are developmentally capable of. I live in a rural area and I almost hit a child in my car the other day who was six and running all over the road. He was trying to join some older boys who were climbing over the bridge and hanging from it by their hands over a steep drop into the river. All children were unsupervised and were waiting for the bus to go to school. Children do not understand the consequences of danger in the same way that adults do and the reality is that they do need supervision. Yes, we need to let them outside to play with sticks, bugs and dirt but its about balancing safety with freedom. Supervision is important in ensuring our kids are o.k. We let our 3 and 8 year old roam around the bush on our property but although they don’t know necessarily know it, we can always hear them and know where they are. I believe its our job as parents.
Yes, children need some form of supervision – at least that which doesn’t stifle their growth and learning. – as much of our supervision seems to do today. I do acknowledge that not all children learn at the same pace and some never learn and that is why it behooves us to be aware of the potential for children running out into the road. And yet I can understand you almost hitting a child runing out into the road. . . We just don’t ecpect to see a child “anywhere” on their own anymore – so it must have been quite a surprise. But then. That’s our job – being wary and aware – and all the while not imposing ourselves on children to the point of rendering them incapable of learning anything. That. . . is the balancing act.
I think there are a small percentage of parents who may adopt this approach because it suits their own needs for personal freedom and not necessarily assess if it is the right approach for their child. I think it is concerning if a six year old is running all over the road on their own. Is it really sending a message to the child that you care about them if walking them to the bus stop and waiting with them is such an effort? This is certainly how I interpreted my own experience of being raised “free range.” Its important to know who your audience is when you are advocating giving children the opportunity to engage in potentially dangerous activities. There are some families who will take the time to assess the developmental appropriateness of activities and discuss potential risks with their child. In which case, I could not be more supportive of this approach. Unfortunately, that is not all parents and children can be placed in serious danger if they are left to their own devices without any parental support.
Actually, Meredith, the right approach for all children is to offer them the most numerous opportunities to grow and learn in order that, as time passes, they become more and more independent. This does not mean being neglectful but rather being mindful that a child can only feel self-worth when they are allowed the opportunity to make choices and plans and be wary and watchful – on their own. Doing everything for them means that we consider them to stupid or incapable of analyzing and thinking. Children cannot grow in mind and spirit when they lack this sense of “self”. Their need to proudly display their capacity to “be smart” in difficult times is immense. They need to know they are enabled and not victims of life.
Children are not always under our watchful eye. What happens to them is frightening when they have no clue as to how to deal with day to day living. Working with very limited and emotionally disturbed children has shown me that all children can learn to become ever more independent than we expect them to be. What is most frightening today is not that children are neglected or lack care. It is that they are so over-protected they are incapable of knowing what is dangerous and what is not. And what is most dangerous to them is not the real or imagined dangers the media constantly throws at us but rather that their parents live their lives frightened. . .
What is also bizarre is seeing these lacking in smarts children remain children as adults – sitting back, letting others do for them and, despite lack of motivation or responsibility, feeling entitled to the best the world has to offer. Ask the academic milieu what they think of having to deal with parents who argue with college teachers that their sons and daughters deserve a better mark than they got. . .
No, our children would be much better off if we encouraged them to think and act based on their own evaluation of situations – AND to take responsibility for the thinking and acting that they do. But they’ll never be able to do that until we consider it healthy to allow our children the freedom they need to mature..
Nonetheless, I do agree that some parents do neglect their children. But the licence they give them, cannot be defined as freedom And in an equal and opposite vein, the same criticism can be applied to hovering and over-protection. These are nothing more than “pocket-book-psychology” sanctioned neglect – neglecting to allow our children to become anything more than dependents and submissives.
When all is said and done, I would be much more ashamed if my children accused me of having made them useless than be upset that they considered I had allowed them “too many opportunities to discover and be involved with the world”.
Yes, children can be placed in serious danger if they are left to their own devices without any parental support. That is neglect and parents who totally neglect their children may say many things to rationalize it, or be unaware they are neglecting their child. Usually those parents were severely neglected themselves as children and either have no idea how to parent or have severe psychological problems themselves.
My 35 year old son is visiting and we were just talking about him walking to school at 6 years old and I shared with him that for the first three days I hopped behind bushes all the way to the large street he had to cross to make sure he made it across safely. What is really different from today however, is that he was with four or five other kids walking to school. When they got to the big street, it was wonderful and endearingly funny to hear them discussing when it was safe to cross depending on how far away a car was, and the intersection had a stop sign. He grew up to be a very responsible man who expects to take care of himself and his family.
I completely agree with both of the last two comments. Children do need to develop resilience and self confidence. However, parental support can also assist to do that. Having spent a childhood with no limitations on what I did or where I went certainly did not help me when I was kicked out of home at a young age and had to face finding employment, affordable housing and learn how to use basic services. I would have traded all the freedom in the world for a mother who had cared enough to teach me how to use a post office. The kids who are jumping over the bridge and running all over the very dangerous road near our place, probably have parents who believe that they have great road sense and are not in any danger. However is personal freedom worth the death of a child when waiting a few years may assure their safety? When I go, I hope my kids remember the days we walked home from school together, holding hands and chatting about my grandfather. Not memories of going everywhere alone with no one caring where you are or what you are doing.
Meredith, I completely understand what you’re saying. But by the same token – kids are kids and they also have to learn about peer pressure. It could be they do know better, and have been taught – but are pushing that line anyway to look cool to their friends, or testing the boundaries to see if Mom and Dad were telling the truth. Sometimes kids choose to learn the hard way.
Meredith, it’s not Lenore Skenazy’s job to see to it that her philosophy is implemented properly any more than it’s social services job to vet couples who are trying to conceive to make sure they’ll be good parents. She’s putting forth her opinion and offering tons of persuasive evidence. It’s parents’ jobs to have the smarts not to translate “free range” into “neglect”.
Hi. I just wanted to give my input as a child of a coddled mother. I think what you are doing is a good idea.
Last year, as a 22 year-old female, I wanted to drive to Florida from Missouri for spring break. The only other person going was also female and 20. My mom didn’t think it was safe for two young 20-somethings to drive that far alone. Despite her wishes I went anyway and, by golly, we got there and back in one piece!
I am now 23 and a college graduate. I have an internship and in the building there is an exercise room in the basement. I told her I had been using it after hours and she didn’t think it was a good idea since it wasn’t near where anyone else would be while I was down there.
I am an adult. I can vote, buy alcohol and pay my bills by myself. I can fend for myself.
I say: Let them be.
http://unvarnishedmom.com/
Actually Yam, I do believe that we have some responsibility as to what we advocate particularly in regard to the well being of children however my comment was not to allocate responsibility but more to provoke thought. I think with the term “free range” there is risk to forget the importance of the role of parenting and that parenting can teach self reliance and resilience too. I completely agree however, that children need more freedom and more outdoors experiences than many children in this indoor generation are receiving. I just question if some families may be hurrying their children through their childhood with this approach. If you wait until a child is an adolescent to give them the freedom you have discussed, then they have several years of observing your own role modelling at handling situations and they are capable of more complex problem solving due to the developmental changes that occur at this time. They can still learn emotional resilience and self reliance but you are setting them up to succeed instead of fail.
I stumbled on this website accidentally and I am so happy I did. I am a reasonably educated woman who teaches English Literature at a local university. I have two children ages 8 and 10. I was raised “freerange” as was my ex-husband who I have an excellent relationship with, as was my new husband (just remarried) who traveled alone around San Francisco’s bus system as a school-aged child. I was aware as a child of inappropriate touching, stranger awareness, and not answering the door when my parents were not at home. My father was a police officer and my mom worked part-time at a bank. But they gave my brother and I age appropriate freedom and they expected us to spend our school afternoons and summers outdoors. I am raising my own children to be independent people who are given the rules and the age appropriate cautions about the world and they are developing into well balanced, insightful individuals. My kids ride their bikes to the local pond here in Bozeman, MT and fish and ride their bikes, play and explore (with a cell phone to check in with) every day. They are learning to be responsible for their bikes and fishing rods, they learn to keep track of the time and come home when they are told. Many people compliment me on my polite, well behaved, independent children. I know it is due to the fact that they read novels, visit museums, and enjoy the age appropriate freedoms of an 8 and 10 (nearly 11) year old deserve. I don’t hover and I never will. I use my head, my intuition and the model my wonderful parents gave me growing up as a guide for raising my own children.
Meredith, from your description of your parenting of your children it sounds like you are a caring parent raising your children free range. You are letting your children roam and explore with you within range while they are exploring, learning and feeling independent. I admire you for your proactive and committed parenting when you shared that you were neglected as a child. But I encourage you to read Lenore Skenazy’s book. In it she gives the definition of what free range parenting means and many, many examples for all ages. Free range chickens aren’t out on the range or the wild – they are contained within a fenced and protected area from predators, fed, cared for and watched over, as opposed to chickens that are kept in a small cage with no room to roam. Children raised free range aren’t out there on their own with no parental support – they are raised by parents like you who are working really hard to know their children’s capabilities and encourage and help them learn, grow and have experiences that will help them become competent and confident adults. Lenore’s message is to let our children have opportunities for exploration, learning and developing competence rather than keeping them tethered to us with short leashes, never out of their parent’s sights until they rebel or head off for college or their first job with no idea how to take care of themselves.
Anne, ohMyGod, how can you tell us your full name, locale, and your kids’ ages?! Now all the sex offenders in Bozeman will target your kids!!! : )
Thanks Helynna, I will read it. I have heard a lot about free range parenting but I suspect that where we live (rural Australia) is much more relaxed in regards to children’s safety than in other areas of the world. I would describe the overall parenting philosophy in the town we live in as definitely hands off. Free range chooks without fences!
Wanted to say im flying the free range flag in Australia please see article below in herald Sun Newspaper
http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/parenting+pregnancy/parenthood/what+style+of+parent+are+your,13155
cheers Tracey
I completely agree with the decisions you’ve made regarding your son. My parents raised me in the same way and it’s allowed me to become an independent person. It’s funny to think of because my friends who were always watched closely by their parents have had the most trouble adjusting to being on their own.
I feel that because I was a “free-range” kid that I learned how to be my own person much earlier in life. It’s given me the strength to handle situations from something as small as feeding myself to moving out of the house. I hope more parents think like you do and raise their kids so that they don’t live in fear!
I would be interested to know how many of you all live in actual dangerous areas, ones that have shootings, kidnappings and child abuse going on in your neighbourhood.
I do.
Not media hype violence but REAL INSTANCES OF VIOLENCE AGAINST CHILDREN.
If you live in safe neighbourhoods, then let your kids go to the park alone or walk to school. But don’t make parents who actually live in dangerous areas feel like crap because they drive their kids to school.
In my small town in NZ, 3 children were murdered in one year. Gone just like that. I know that may not seem like many by US standards, but in a town of 8,000 people (not just kids, people) that’s awful. NZ’s child abuse stats are the worst in the world.
So maybe this strategy works for middle class families who have safe neighbourhoods and low child abuse rates. But here, I’m driving my kids to school. I’m taking them to the park. I’ll be the ‘helicopter parent’. And you can suck it if you don’t like it. Because what may work for you, may not work for me.
Know a situation before you judge it. By all means do what you want but don’t judge those who don’t share your philosophy
I agree with you NZ mum. This issue is so complex and its almost a taboo subject because no one wants children to be subjected to accidents or violence. However, I think it is good that these issues are being discussed. We have become a culture of being over protective and without necessary considering if its best for our children. You have obviously thought a lot about this issue and you are making the right decision based on the area you live in. That’s being a smart parent and not a helicopter parent.
Hi NZ Mum,
I’m sorry you have to riase your children in such an unsafe and scary envionrment. I grew up in a fairly tough neighbourhood where violence was alive and well. My Dad was a free range although they didn’t plan this it was just the way things were done in the 80’s.
I learnt alot about how to survive in the real world. Unfortantly my mum unknowingly gave me some anxieties about strngers and safety that i had to undo once i became a parent as i recognised that it was impacting on my children. It’s when our anxietties real or not startimpacting on our kids that matters. I’m not saying yours are but something to think about.
As a mother of an autistic 5 year old (more like a 3 year old in behavior/emotion right now), I’m scared by the thought of letting him loose in the world, but with the goal of helping him become an independent child and adult, my goal is to get him to that point in development through training and support. I totally support the free-range kid philosophy. It’s how I was raised. I’m grateful for your posts because the other messages we get out there drive us moms to fear, fear, fear the world and suspect everyone. It shouldn’t be that way.
Dear Kimmatteo,
I applaud and bow to you. Though your task is not an easy one your attitude will bring about untold possibilities and many rewards. Good and wondefrful family friends have the privilege of guiding and loving their own autistic boy who suddenly (even to them) blossomed into a most active and productive and creative being in areas no one had anticipated. The efforts and love of Mom, Dad and his sisters is worthy of much respect. But then Malcolm himself is a gem. He merits all of our recognition and “boy does he thrive” on the applause which comes with the art he embraces. . . Visiting http://malcolmsmusic.com/ will give you a tatse of life most beautifully lived. Autism is not a brick wall. It more often than not is an open door to a wondrous world. Again, to you I send my most heartfelt encouragement. All the best. Bernard
I’m so grateful for your blog. It’s an island of sanity. I’m trying to follow your lead, but it’s really a struggle. Take the issue of pool safety. I believe in pool safety, and I am making sure my children learn to swim. But these days I get facebook messages from parents who are outraged that other parents sit at the public pool reading a magazine instead of watching their 7 or 12 year old kids every second. God forbid I should ever be able to relax! And they cite statistics about how 19% of children who drown do so in public pools with lifeguards present. (It took me a lot of looking to dig out the real numbers for this, but it’s about 30 kids per year in the United States, and most of them were non-swimmers or children under 5.) Really? I have to watch my 10yo who has been swimming for 5 years every second that he’s in the pool?
What baffles me is the all or nothing approach on the blog–you are free-range or you’re a helicopter parent. Setting aside the extremes on either side, all children will become free-range at some point, and it depends only on age and most important, on the child herself. I have a child who is fearless, impulsive, emotional, thrill-seeking, and amazing. But based on some of her qualities, I have to be a lot more watchful with her than I am with my youngest child. “Knowing the rules” is a completely different concept than applying them when nobody is around. Just as each child will learn to read at different ages, children learn to assess risk and their own limits at different ages. In my case, my youngest (who is preschooler) understands her limitations much more than my eldest and doesn’t take the same crazy risks that my eldest does.
I was definitely raised more free-range than my children, and I have a ton of crazy stories I did, stories that my parents never knew about. Some were just mischief, like playing matador with our neighbor’s bull. Some were stupid, like sledding into the road because that the best hill had a road right beside it. (To my young mind, it was fine, because a friend was “watching for cars.” The fact that the cars could not be seen until they were at the hill didn’t occur to us.) My husband has similar crazy stories, like how he once loaded a tennis ball with gasoline, lit it on fire and watched it “explode” with each bounce until it landed in an empty field, catching the dry grass on fire. Then, rather than seek help, he and his friends tried to stomp out the fire with their shoes (they were still wearing) until one of the shoes caught fire. I think most former free-range kids have crazy stories, but the memories that cause me the most concern are not about stranger danger or other such incredibly rare issues, but about those issues which are highly likely to occur. Statistically, 1/3 of high schoolers report binge drinking within 30 days of the survey. That statistic applied to me. Around 14, I learned about alcohol. By age 15 and 16, I learned how to get the boys who were legal to buy alcohol for me (again, taking incredibly stupid “precautions” that I thought were so smart at the time.) And perhaps the most dangerous memory in hindsight is the one that my parents knew about–neither my parents nor my husband’s parents required the kids to wear seatbelts. We survived, but yet, I’d never say that because it worked for my parents and I survived, I should do the same with my kids.
Rosemary, I’m a lifeguard and I’m here to give you official permission to take your eyes off your ten-year-old swimmer at a public pool. Reading is fine, but crosswords are good because you can pretend to be gazing at your offspring while mentally going down the alphabet to find the letter that fits.
Lil, what would you say your and your husband’s parents should’ve done (if anything) in order to prevent you from your unwise fun? There’s got to be a better answer than “sitting us on our butts in front of a screen”.
I, for one, would rather be perceived as an overprotective parent than be faced with this. The boy’s mother had been waiting for him just 3 blocks away.
Missing 9-year-old B’klyn boy found dead: sources
(Posted on NY Post: News at Wed, Jul 13, 2011 at 11:37AM)
The dismembered body of a missing 9-year-old Hasidic boy was found at two locations in Brooklyn and police this morning arrested a suspect in the slaying — who had the child’s severed feet in his freezer, sources told The Post. Police made the gruesome discovery after raiding a Kensington… (visit source article)
Overprotective, your kid does have to go alone at some point. They aren’t children forever, and the sooner they learn how to function, the better.
And they cite statistics about how 19% of children who drown do so in public pools with lifeguards present.
Well, what percentage of public pools have lifeguards? What percentage of children frequent public pools as compared to beaches and private pools?
Yam, to me, I don’t think this decision is an all-or-nothing approach. It’s not a situation where there’s only two choices: (1) you are a helicopter parent that must have a “security detail” for children going outside or they sit inside all day on their rears; or (2) you are a free-range parent who kicks the kids out all day and don’t know where they are. In the case of my parents, my parents had no idea where I was when left in the 1st grade and up (I can’t recall how young I was when I was given free-range, it may have been even younger). They weren’t outside; I wasn’t within shouting range. I’m not really sure what my mom did all day. I have no memories at all of her playing with me. at.all. I’d go out and find friends and keep going until I found one. There were supposed to be boundaries, but what is the point of boundaries when you’re not supervised in any manner. If I broke the rules, nobody would ever know.
When I was older, my parents never knew my friends or my friends’ parents. They never followed up. I developed a friendship with a girl whose mom was a night nurse (and no dad). I was there constantly, and there was generally a party there every weekend. But my parents never went to the house once, or they would have learned quickly.
To me, I’m a big fan of instinct, being aware, being present. My children are still rather young, so we do lots together as a family. Walks, bike rides, bug hunts, fishing, boating, camping. My girls have time alone to explore their world, but I’m within hearing, and often enjoy sitting back and watching them create worlds. A child doesn’t need a lack of supervision to thrive and learn to be self-sufficient. They do need to explore, to get messy, to make mistakes and fail, to learn. I don’t believe in stepping in when my children are learning how to do something, but I am there when we are exploring together (like bug hunts). Even though we have lots of activities, I was so surprised when the other week, my oldest daughter said she’d wish I’d PLAY with her more often. Go figure–she plays so much with friends and her sister. But I think kids really relish their parents joining in the silly, made up games, like “SuperHero.” We aren’t necessarily interfering by being involved.
When they get older, my goal is to have the house that my children can bring their friends when they want to hang out–give them their own space and privacy, and keep communication open. As a parent of non-driving kids, it’s amazing the things kids will say in the car to each other if the parent is simply quiet and listens. And I’ve heard that having older children involved in sports is a great tactic.
lil
I’m curious as to how many parents on here are free-range about simpler things. I’d never let my 6-year-old walk a block alone, yet she’s allowed to do many things that are forbidden to the local “free-range” 11- and 12-year-olds:
1. She decides if and when she’s hungry, how much to eat, and which of the dinner foods to eat. Ditto thirsty. Ditto dessert.
2. She is allowed to retrieve a snack or drink from the kitchen, including refrigerator, any time of the day or night. If I notice her eating a lot of sweets, I “strongly recommend” she choose a healthy snack next.
3. She is allowed to decide if and when she is hot or cold, and take off/put on a hat, coat, scarf, etc. at will.
4. She is allowed to choose her own bedtime on non-school nights, unless we have an early appointment the next day.
5. She is allowed to choose her activities, including TV watching, although I invite her to participate in another activity after 1/2 hour-2 hours (depending on how much recent TV watching there has been).
6. She is allowed to choose her own clothes and shoes at the store and when dressing each day, including accessories. I provide her with guidance if she/we will be attending an event that has an expected dress code.
7. She is allowed to choose when to do her homework. If that choice comes too close to bedtime and she’s too tired to finish, I tell her in the morning that she needs to do it before school.
8. She is allowed veto power over babysitters. Ditto day camps, violin lessons, gymnastics, ballet classes, and other “good-for-you” activities.
Vzwriter, most of that seems reasonable to me.
Of course, nobody is going to make all the same choices as anybody else, even if we all generally agree on a vague principle.
If you stick around, you’ll see that the people here often disagree with each other (loudly! it’s that kinda forum, which I know can be really off-putting for a lot of people, but that’s the way it is) on details and basic things. I probably wouldn’t let a six year old go down the block alone and unwatched either, although I think in most neighborhoods, and with most children, eight should be fine. (But your own situation may be less than ideal. It may really suck. Your kid might be immature and irresponsible, or your neighborhood might be really dangerous. I certainly don’t know.) Other people right here in this forum might think that’s a little early, or think “Wow, you’re such a tightass!”
Some of us let kids use knives and stoves sooner than others, some later than average. We have different ideas on camp, on playing with your kid at the playground, on when to send your kid into the bathroom unattended, on carseats (don’t bring up carseats), on… everything!
It’s just in general philosophy that we agree, and on the whole the individual choices each person makes tend to weigh more towards more freedom and independence at a younger age than the media in the US approves of. That’s all. It’s really not the hive mind.
Remember the story of the starfish thrower?
Well Lenore, as much as you need to justify your own bread and butter,
It mattered to that one…
May you rest in peace Leiby Kletzy.
VZwriter,
I think Uly said it best, in general the thought is the same but the implementation is different. I think its great that Lenore was comfortable and thought her nine yr old capable of riding a subway. I know that when my children are even early teens I will not be comfortable with that, but we do not live in a city, or even anywhere with public transportation, and it’s not something that they will have any real knowledge or experience with.
I use something that is extremely controversial with my children. My son has a monkey backpack, and its tail is a leash! (oh the horror) but in my opinion this is the epitome of my free-range parenting. Since he learned to walk (at nine months!) my son would NOT be held, or strapped in a stroller, or put in a backpack or sling, or any other carrier for that matter without screaming like someone was killing him. He LOVES his backpack! It’s a way for him to explore when we go places that I fear for him wandering off, and not having to be strapped or stiffled. I take it to museums, zoos, aquariums, sometimes amusement parks. Mostly places that he would want to get out of a stroller to see things, and I wouldn’t want to put him back in. And I don’t have to hold his hand, and he can walk at his own pace (he often dawdles because he wants to SEE EVERYTHING) It makes our lives a lot less stressful because I don’t have to fight a screaming 3 yr old constantly and I know that he is enjoying our outing! I fully intend to buy my 1 yr old one soon, because she is becoming just as independent, and too heavy to carry in her sling.
I also think its interesting you talk about your daughter making her own food choices. I was reading about the new initiative in chain restaurants for healthy options for children and one of the comments said something about “children shouldn’t be making the food choices, you should make it for them” and I found that statement ridiculous. My son often makes very healthy choices when dining out, his favorite meal to order is a grilled chicken salad with ranch dressing on the side so he can dip. So when he asks for chicken nuggets or a burger I let him get it, because he knows what he wants, and if I buy him a salad when he asked for a burger he’s not going to eat it. I always let him make his own food choices, and never force him to eat or stop eating. The one thing I will say is that I only make one meal, and if he is not going to eat anything I have prepared he doesn’t eat. Often if he doesn’t eat it, its because he’s not hungry anyway. Children don’t starve themselves and if he is hungry eventually he’ll eat what I’ve prepared, or he isn’t hungry.
In any case, everyone is different and I think for the most part no one is all right, or all wrong. Its all about knowing your child and knowing your area and what is right for you and your family.
Danielle, off topic, but just so you know, if you want to continue wearing your daughter occasionally, you can still do it, even if she’s one year old. You’d probably want to transition to using a two-shouldered carrier such as a wrap or a mei-tai or an Ergo instead of a sling or pouch (at least for long trips – slings are great for when the kid wants to go UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN and you don’t mind doing this but you’d rather do it fast).
I recently wore my eight year old niece (!!!!) in a wrap because she had a knee injury and couldn’t walk, and yet I had to go out for an extended period of time to do shopping and pick up her sister from school, more time than she was comfortable staying alone (and honestly, I wouldn’t want to leave a non-mobile child alone. Nothing was likely to happen, but if it did, she couldn’t get out of the house!)
I would rather not have had to do that, but I was glad I knew I *could* do that and had the equipment (a Gypsymama wrap) necessary to do so.
Uly, thanks, I can still wear her in my sling. And she is still happy in it, she’s actually just a tiny thing, but sometimes taking her in and out constantly is annoying and if she’ll like a backpack too it’ll be nice. (of course I’ll continue to take my sling along with us because she’s just little and will get tired!)
Oh, absolutely, Danielle.
I shared the information because many people genuinely don’t know, and the more you know, the more choices you have.
I am wondering why this was reported to the police, ending up in the local police blotter. Unless the kid was four, what’s so bad about having a pocket knife if you are a boy and you’re not using it to threaten anyone? Ever heard of carving sticks?
” 11-17916 Disorderly Conduct
On 06/30/11 a Glenview resident reported her son, while at Swenson Park, was shown a knife by another juvenile. It was described as a pocket or pen knife. No threats or aggressive actions were made by the juvenile who had the knife. The incident occurred on 06/30/11 at about 1440 hours. “
I am for parenting in my own style. Some of this will be free-range and some will not. Depends on the situation. I don’t choose a stance and interpret every thing going on around me from that stance. I have watched and read some of this blog for some months now and while many responders have great points to make, it is more than destroyed by 2 things:
a free for all system that allows people to be abusive – people using it to display foul language or lifestyles and also the people who use it as a forum to argue online. many articles have the same half dozen or so people commenting back and forth and slaying other peoples’ opinions that contradict their own. I guess they really are free-rangers as they sit at their computers all day arguing with people on this blog rather than raising their kids.
Such a shame that the bitchiness overtakes the general atmosphere of rallying together to bring up kids in different ways and tolerate those differing styles with a sense of grace.
Are you aware that nowadays there’s a huge discussion going on about a website in the Netherlands who condons a free sexual relationship between young children and adults. This website is called “Martijn”.
They see themselves as “freefighters” for children who wishes to engage a relationship with an adult (?) and vice versa, for whatever that speaks of any free will (my kids certainly never did such a proposal at our dinnertable).
As a concerned mother, always looking out and trying to be one step ahead of new tricks a predator nowadays could think of, i visited the website. It’s a nasty one, with all the right legal arguments just to stay out of jail but with such a overwhelming bad taste that it’s difficult to keep an ok stomach.
Just so you know, I came across your website through clicking the “links” button from the “Martijn” website.
They make use of your statements about “freefighting” for the freedom of children.
Less parenting eyes on children means more chance for these perverts to victimize children.
Ofcourse children are more naive then adults, they have less life experience and you just can’t let them sort things out on their own just to get life experience.
If you do so, you run a higher risk to make them a victim of these predators.
If you don’t support the type of thinking which is portraited on website “Martijn” , you might consider demanding this website to remove your link.
I wholeheartedly approve of your blog, but not from the perspective of a parent. I have years and years of experience in child care, nannying, and teaching preschool, but my husband and I can’t have children.
At the risk of sounding self-aggrandizing, I wanted to share a link to something I wrote in response to my reading of your blog and its archives. A slightly different perspective on helicopter parenting.
http://breakingeggs.tumblr.com/post/7779259804/infertility-and-helicopter-parenting
fivesyllables,
God Bless! My thoughts and prayers that you are able to create the family you are praying for (no matter how it may be!) And feel free to wave to my kids whenever the mood strikes! LOL you may also shameless compliment my daughter and talk to my son!
Thought you might like this piece:
Great stuff, I love it! I never really realised this is such a big issue until a few months ago. I am from Holland and there outside play on the street is very common. It was when I was little and I know my nieces and nephew do it. Here in England it is rare, but seen. Most mums at our preschool are terrified. ‘you have to hold hands when you walk’. Well no! My son is very wild but he learned from very young (I took the bus to work- busy streets!) to stay on the pavement and with me. I only used reigns when I was very heavily pregnant and he was very difficult (about 1 week of commuting). He now plays on his own outside. I hope other parents will allow their kids as out on your own is not so much fun… Look forward reading through your whole website!
Jenny, interesting piece. Hurray for the NYC Parks Commish, who refused to take down the jungle gym. As for soft surfaces, why not just erect playgrounds on grass? Also, I’ve seen teeter-totters that land on rubber tires. What’s the problem with those? Did some kid get bounced beyond her comfort zone?
My son and I are watching the 1951 classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. My, how times have changed. The “spaceman” Klaatu (Michael Rennie) rents a room in a local boarding house and befriends Patricia Neal’s character, who has a son named Bobby who looks like he’s about 8 or 9. Patricia Neal and her fiance have plans to spend the day together, but may have to change them because there’s nobody to watch Bobby. Klaatu comes to the rescue and offers to babysit. Patricia Neal and the fiance think that’s a great idea. They don’t have to cancel their plans and Bobby will be taken care of. When Klaatu asks Bobby if he’ll show him around the city, everyone is happy. Can you imagine what would happen now if a single man that the mother doesn’t really know very well offered to spend the day with her son? Can you say pedophile, pervert, sex offender, or abductor?
But some things never change. In another scene, where Bobby took Klaatu to see the flying saucer that had landed in Washington, DC, a reporter is interviewing spectators about being afraid because the spaceman is on the loose. Here is the dialogue between Klaatu and the reporter:
Reporter: I suppose you are just as scared as the rest of us.
Klaatu: In a different way, perhaps. I am fearful when I see people substituting fear for reason.
Because the reporter doesn’t like Klaatu’s answer, he immediately finds someone else who will answer that he’s scared. Klaatu’s answer sounds like something that a Free Range parent would say, while the reporter seemed to want to spread fear. Does that sound familiar?
@Erez I noticed the same thing happening to some old playgrounds close to where I live. They designers kept to the original design, but just put down foam or another absorbent material for flooring. I was happy to see that the one playground still had its old fighter jet , but the ground below it is covered in foam flooring. Also the inner part has some kind of soft material in it, but when I was a kid it had a metal seat that got hot during the summer.
Copy of an actual facebook thread. My voice of reason goes unheard, as usual…..
Alyssa
Teachers: one of my kids has a severe peanut allergy. His grandmother told me that yesterday another kid was throwing peanuts at him during break. What do you suggest I do?
Laura How old are the kids?
Gregory R. Atchley In FL, that is attempted murder (not kidding…there was a case about 6 years ago of this nature). Charges were finally dropped.
Alyssa Middle school. The boys were 12. I separated them today, but I feel like I should do something else.
Brenda Did you contact the parent of the one throwing the peanuts? I know some parents don’t care, but others do. Can you kick the peanut thrower out of the class?
Brooke Not a teacher myself, but can you get administration involved? This is my fear if Ali does not grow out of her allergies in the next few years!!
Laura I would honestly talk to both of them together and let the boy with the allergy explain what can happen. I would be honest and tell the boy that did it that the peanuts could kill the boy. Many people claim to be “allergic” to food that he may not truly understand.
Danielle I have a hard time grasping some of the comments here. There is no reason to involve parents or administrators. They are 12 year old boys. They do stupid things without grasping the consequences by their very nature. It’s not the end of the world. Tell him why it was a bad thing to do, separate them, and threaten him with the old “if I have to tell you again, you’ll be in seriously deep doo doo”.
Alyssa We discussed allergies in class this week. The one kid already mentioned his epi-pen. I need to contact the administrator, I guess.
Summer Have a serious talk with the student who was throwing the peanuts, explaining the potential consequences of his actions. Then ask the administration if there is any further action that needs to be taken based on the policies of the school. Every school is different in how they handle these things.
Laura Have you singled the boy out and spoke to him? Explaining that the allergic boy could die? I know there are many of Aliana’s ADULT teachers that did not fully understand what an allergy with epi pen truly meant.
Stacey Go speak to the principal!
Nicole Agree with Stacey… get the principal involved. It could snowball into a legal matter..
Danielle If I was the allergic child’s parents – I would be pressing charges and making sure under a new Texas law he was forced to go to another school – losing UIL elligability.
I take it you are not allergic to something that can kill you by touching it. You don’t know the kids involved. In Elementary I had a classmate try to kill me by smearing peanutbutter on me. He stated that I want her to die. I was told boys will be boys and was sent back to class where i turned blue and passed out. They got me to the ER just in time. I’m told the boy was cheering die die die.
He also explained in detail how he was going to rape me and several classmates. Boys will be boys and if I didn’t like having the crap kicked out of me daily I should not aggravate him and make him do that. My parents threatened a law suit and criminal charges against the boy, his parents, and school district employees – and it stopped on a dime. He went to private school. A classmate told me a while back – he was in Huntsville Prison for raping and beating several women.
I’ve had several people causally in my life try to feed me stuff with peanut oil in it to prove it is all in my mind. Fellow member of CYO, a coworker – not friends just members of a larger group, a nut case from my apartments.
If someone ever does that to me – or my young cousin with the same allergy and is of the age of reason – we will press charges. It isn’t a joke, it isn’t funny, and I am sick of nearly dying for some bozo to make a damn point. Tell you want why don’t put a plastic bag over your head till you turn blue and see how you like not breathing.
Dear Ms. Skenazy,
I’ve read many of your pieces in Funny Times, and I applaud your efforts on behalf of Free-Range Kids and am completely with you on the theme of not overprotecting our children. Born in 1951, for the most part I’ve had the benefit of such an upbringing – my parents rarely interfered with what us kids were getting up to. Fortunately, we had an innate sense of prudence and a sense of limitations – that we weren’t supposed to be bad – that kept our shenanigans on the safe side. Most of the time. But I’ll pass on to you a memory that, when I look back, shocks me for what it implies about the mentality that existed at that time (around 1959). And also for how stupid we kids were on our own account.
I grew up in a rather sleepy little village on the south shore of Long Island. (Islip, to be precise.) Lots of kids (not sleepy) lived in our street, and the usual routine after school was play, break for dinner, and play until your folks told you to get inside and do your homework. In the summer homework was out of the question, so play continued until your folks told you to get inside and get ready for bed. Commonly there were ten or twenty lids from five to thirteen playing ball or tag, riding bikes, etc.. (Sure there was plenty of TV to seduce us away from more wholesome pursuits, but I won’t say any more about it.)
Since we lived near the water (an inlet of the Great South Bay called Orowoc Creek), mosquitoes were a bit of a nuisance in summertime. Periodically the town sent a truck around to spray to keep them under control. It usually passed by slowly, at that golden hour after dinner but before it gets dark, the sun low in the west – I remember the warm beams of light passing among the trees (very Maxfield Parrish-Claude Lorrain). Maybe it was the quality of the light that inspired us, but we young ones of the block followed the truck down the street, dancing like little nymphs and satyrs in the huge cloud of vapor. I’m sure we did this a few times. Not once did any adult come to the front door and yell in disbelief, “Hey, are you kids out of your SKULLS? That stuff is deadly poison!!”
I think, or recall vaguely, that the town recommended people close their windows and maybe even stay inside until the air cleared, but there were no stern warnings as we would hear today – if such a thing as spraying would even be allowed. I don’t know what they were spraying – perhaps DDT; this was a few years before Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring stated what ought to have been more evident to everyone. Still you might think that such ignorance could only be found in the most abject slums of the planet, but this was suburbia, a very middle-middle-class neighborhood, neither high-toned nor trashy. It’s possible also that after a few occasions like this, our folks didn’t let us out, and that I just don’t remember (some might say my brain was affected). But, all kidding aside, if Mom or Pop had “laid a heavy trip” on us (in the vernacular of 1969) about dancing in insecticide vapor, I think I would recall.
I do remember a moderately heavy trip. Pop was a builder, and so my twin brother and I had construction odds and ends we could nail together to make whatever we wanted. (Usually more along the lines of free-form sculpture than any recognizable carpentry projects.) Once, quite unsupervised, we built a raft, about four by five feet, and carried it down the street to the dock to test it out in shallow water. (Maybe we were thinking of Huck and Jim.) As soon as we stood on it, the raft sank below the surface of the water and, wet to our knees, we knew there was something we had missed on the technical level. We caught a bit of hell from Mom over the escapade, over the safety issue, but it wasn’t too bad – really just a more-than-usually stern lecture. But I think the experience was well worth it – at the age of nine we had become semi-hip to the principles of flotation and displacement, without ever having heard of Archimedes.
P.S. – I have just read a review of the new Terrence Malick film “The Tree of Life” (by Geoffrey O’Brien, in the July 14 New York Review of Books) which mentions a scene of kids (of the same era) playing in the DDT vapor. (I look forward to seeing it.) So maybe this ritual was widespread. I wonder whether one could determine some higher incidence of disease as a result of this activity, and whether class-action suits might be possible. (Although in these matters – as with, say, tobacco – as serious as the fault of the authorities, interested parties, and experts is, I regret the sense of grievance or the sometimes reflexive self-pity which admits no personal responsibility when a little common sense would have been in order).
I myself had a melanoma diagnosed and removed from my upper back when I was about 41. (This was at early Stage II, which starts to get a little scary, with a 5% chance of having already metastasized. But I’ve had no further problem from that, I’m glad to say.) You might say it was the occasional bad sunburn of a long, minimally-supervised day at the beach – this was the era before sunblock was taken for granted – but on the whole I wasn’t a kid who hung out shirtless in the sun. So the more I think about it, the more I suspect the spray may have been a factor in my skin cancer, though I’d expect more lung problems from exposure to poison sprays.
Maybe the moral of the story is that we need to supervise our children less than is common nowadays, and supervise our authorities much more. (Whether it’s the town council or the U.S. Congress, you know they’ll get into all kinds of mischief if you don’t keep an eagle-eye on them every second.)
Allen Schill
July 2011
Free-rangers: Would you let your children stay home with a bunch of adults you don’t know? Then why allow them to roam the streets with a bunch of adults you don’t know?
Danielle, You might as well say adults don’t need to get involved when a kid tries to throw cyanide into another kids’ mouth. You’re uninformed. Look up “anaphylactic shock.”
As for soft surfaces, why not just erect playgrounds on grass?
Because with all the running around children do, that grass rapidly becomes hard-packed dirt. Dusty in the summer, muddy when it rains, and not very shock-absorbent.
Plus, even if it didn’t, mowing around playground equipment must be a pain in the neck.
VZ, so our children should not be in public places? ’cause last time I checked, that’s where are the “strange adults” are…
I have two college age children and can definitely call myself (and my husband) Free Range Parents. We lived in Boston for 18 years (moved to Cambridge a few months ago, about half way through the kids’ college years), in a neighborhood called Roslindale — urban, congested, a complete mix of cultures. My kids were walking to school (1/2 mile) and corner store (1/4 mile) from about age 6 on. First with friends, then by themselves. Crossing guards are the greatest–trust them! RIding the subway and buses alone from age 10 (to the absolute horror of the majority of friends & family) to go to the movies, or to Newbury St. to a favorite comic book store. Commuting to middle & high school on their own by public transportation, both ways. They were very proud of their “T” passes (MBTA).
The lines of cars waiting to pick up perfectly able-bodied kids every day was ridiculous. We were lucky to live on a dead-end street with a few kids about the same age, who were also free to come & go and play and explore all year ’round. I don’t know most of their adventures (at least not first-hand) because they were played out in other kids’ back yards and nearby parks and on an exciting bus ride to see the latest movie. I see that as positive — my and my husband’s parents weren’t in on everything we did, either.
Rules: They could go almost anywhere and do (age-appropriate) almost anything if #1, we knew where they were and when they’d be back. Or a phone call if plans changed. If they broke our trust they would lose their freedom. They never broke our trust in a major way. My son at about age 11 confessed (he’s a terrible liar :)) he and his friend went to see some PG action film but snuck into see an R-rated Eminem movie instead. Not hugely happy about that, but it’s pretty small potatoes. My husband told me later privately that he’d snuck into see The French Connection when he was even younger.
The laundry rule was do your own laundry when you start high school. Lunch rule make your own lunches by middle school. I did have to shut my mouth for 3 long months waiting for my son to change his sheets. I also have NO idea what he did for clean underwear during that time and I refuse to guess.
The kids also flew across the country (West coast) many times from age 8 or 9 to visit my sisters’ families (and vice versa). They would never have become close to their cousins if we could only go as an entire family once ever few years.
This has gotten long; reminiscing is just really fun. They are both wonderful, mature, interesting, independent adults at excellent colleges, trying new things and astounding their parents every day with their thoughtfulness, tolerance and insight. They actually enjoy spending time with us and us with them.
It’s not easy to let your children go, and do, and be, without the feeling “I have to be there, I have to organize it, I have to make sure they’ll be okay every step of the way.” But the rewards are huge.
Lisa, your post resonates. Our kids would never know their grandparents or cousins if we had to visit as a family. Two years ago we sent our 17-year-old to the States on her own. She had a layover in Milan. I wrote her a complete how-to instruction sheet (more like four pages long, with screen captures of airport TV monitors — heck I get confused in airports myself). She made it!
Last month I sent my 14-year-old and a friend to Modi’in on their own, involving a bus to Beer Sheva and a train from there — and back three days later. Same deal: Printed up the train schedules, highlighted the platform numbers, + how-to instructions. They did it, now they know how life works on public xport. So yes I did arrange and organize every step of the way, but then I watched them leave the nest. They’re safer now than if I’d accompanied them. Yea!
Hi Lenore,
I’ve been reading this blog for at least a year now. I like the movement, I like the entries, etc.
The other day I was discussing some of your comments (as I sometimes do as a part of life) with a co-worker. I felt I was pretty polite, but my coworker became enraged.
She told me I had no right to have opinions on how to raise children because I have none.
She’s right. I have no kids. I’ve only been married for a couple of months and there are no plans for kids for another year or so. I have no idea what it is like to be a parent.
But I have taught school. I have worked with youth. I think I have a right to consider childrearing techniques.
Maybe I won’t be as idealistic when I am a parent. Maybe situations will have me altering my parenting methods.
But is it such a bad idea to go into parenting with a freerange mindset?
I was reading some old posts when I came to a statistical viewpoint which your readers (including future book readers) may find compelling, and I haven’t yet seen here. Your original claim was something like: “Men are statistically more likely to be a [molester/abducter/abuser/BadPerson].” There’s an easy way to demonstrate that, while this may be true, it still shouldn’t change how we relate with our community.
Let’s assume 1% of women are BadPeople, and twice as many men–one in 50, or 2% are BadPeople (don’t worry, we’ll adjust these down to more realistic numbers near the end). More importantly for our purposes, this means 99% of women, and 98% of men are NOT BadPeople. This means your child has a 98% chance of a safe encounter with a man, only 1.01% less likely than having a safe encounter with a woman [(.99-.98)/.99]. So, if the focus is on adults, yes, men are twice as likely to be BadPeople. However, is the focus on your child and their interactions with adults [what this “movement” is largely about], men are only 1.01% more likely to cause a problem for your child.
Both the percentages of BadPeople for men and women are way overestimated, so let’s turn them down one at a time (Lenore: if you use this, here’s where you put in the real ratios). Let’s say a full 1 in 50 men are still evil, 2%. But women are saintly. Only 1 in 10,000 women is a BadPerson to children: 0.01%. This means men are a FULL 200 TIMES more dangerous for kids than women. Or, taking a different look at it as above, your child is now only 2% less likely to have a safe encounter with a man than with a woman [(.9999-.98)/.9999]. So, while the way to get people to tune in after the commercial break is to report a man is 200 times more dangerous around children, it’s really only 2% more dangerous for your child to encounter a man.
And, substituting in a more realistic percentage of evil men, that increased risk to your child diminshes even further: Let’s say only 1 in 1,000 men are BadPeople: 0.1%. It doesn’t matter now if that’s only 10 times as dangerous as women (0.01%, as above), or 200 times as dangerous (0.0005%). The difference now in safety of encounters is miniscule: every man your child encounters is only 0.1% more likely to be dangerous than the women she encounters [(.999-.999995)/.999995]. Statistically, the “200 times as bad” describes the population, while the “0.1% more likely” describes sampling that population.
An author writing a book to encourage parents to send their kids out (or encourage them it’s OK to hire a male babysitter) would here quote the late S. Clemens, something about “lies, damn lies, and statistics”. And say that yes, men are 200 times more likely to be a perv than women. But when sampling adults, like your child does when he randomly encounters a stranger, he is only 0.1% more likely to encounter a perv if that random person is a man than if it were a woman.
The author of that book would then have to prepare some defense from the critics who will charge: “the pervs will position themselves around your kids so their encounters aren’t random.” Then you just have to drop back to 50 abductions per 4,000,000 kids, or whatever your cost-benefit argument about never reducing risk to zero is.
Full disclosure: I’m an engineer & pilot by training (neither statistician nor criminologist), and have a 3 lb boy in the oven, w/ 3 months left on the timer.
Yam Erez, thanks for your wholehearted support! I’m so glad your kids are having great adventures, too. The world is a wonderful, amazing place (of course you have to be careful, and plan things out) and I wish more parents would see that and stop worrying so much. Bad things can happen away from home, and bad things can happen near home, of course, but the risks are, in my opinion, minimal and necessary. And of course, that is life. Period.
One quick story — daughter taking public bus to school in 6th grade, sitting behind man who kept touching his ears. She was intrigued and paid attention. She finally realized he was storing his (small) supply of bus tokens (you used to be able to buy little bronze round tokens for bus, subway) IN HIS EARS, and kept taking them out to count them! This was obviously a man somewhat … different than the general population … but not dangerous and what a great story! We still laugh over that one.
Your kids sound like they’re going to have wonderful, rich lives. Hooray for you!
Hi Emiky,
I was lol at your post!!! I remembered when I was in undergrad and did a report on why spanking was bad for the psyche of children in a public speaking class that happened to be full of parents. I was reamed!!!
It was not until I became a parent that I understood that a good swat on the behind and a stern no, for a two-year-old was better than all the time outs in the world….I’m sure I will get yelled at in here for that one….but that being said, tread gingerly when you are talking to those that are in the battle.
We were starry eyed once and the trials of parenthood have given some of use a tough exterior. While my kids roam free I absolutely cannot stand this materialistic culture and have to hover sometimes to keep them from falling into the “gotta have it now” trap that is all over the place. I would love to let them be totally free like I was but there are way too many crappy ideas out there to let their little minds wander for too long.
All that being said, keep the dream alive, have the kids, and then go through the “oh God I have to keep them safe” phase and come back to us weather warn and a better parent for the experience…..
Yam Erez, I didn’t really understand your post. Maybe I can elaborate mine by saying I wouldn’t let my kid swim over her head without strong swimming skills; a floatie doesn’t cut it. Instructing a 7-year-old to not take candy from strangers or whatever is the equivalent of a floatie.
And in my analysis, a child (age 8, age 10, for some kids and neighborhoods until age 13) is always over its head cerebrally, cognitively, street-smarts wise, economically and physically when he/she is with adults.
To me, it is absurd to expect a child to develop “street smarts” by letting them roam the streets alone is akin to expecting a child to develop swimming skills by letting them go out over their head while I leave the lake to go grocery shopping.
Lisa, I was sure you were going to say the “different” bus passenger was storing cocaine in his ears! Stephy, I just read a nice blog (I think it was on PigtailPals, called Sex Tips at the Checkout, not certain) by a mom who takes her kids grocery shopping, but makes sure to educate while doing so, i.e., “We buy bananas because they’re healthy for our bodies, not because they have [latest craze] stickers on them.” “Do you want those fruit chews because they’re good for us, or because they have a picture of [latest craze] on the package?” In other words, don’t hide the crap from your kids; use it as a springboard to teach them to think critically and not swallow it blindly.
Yam Erez…I am a former homeschooler and know all about teachable moments (one of the reasons I like homeschooling) we served at shelters, went on mission trips and talked to inmates at prisons etc. I don’t hide the crap…but I need to know what they are experiencing to know how to add a lesson. I don’t shelter them but do realize that they are young and need guidance especially in a country where many of the adults act like children themselves.
By the way don’t judge the homeschooling part…not every homeschooler is from Wacko…we did more hands on travel-learning in one day than they get now in the little classroom box they are in…and they met way more people than just those in their grade…
Stephy, I’m cool to homeschooling. I’ve read about it from other-than-fundy sources and respect homeschoolers as dedicated parents. I also respect teachers and believe they should trade wages with pro athletes. I especially like “…many adults behave like children”. So true. Do we want adult-sized children the likes of Britney Spears to be our kids’ role models?
I’ve been getting updates on this post for a while and people have posted some interesting links related to free-range parenting vs helicopter parenting. I just came across this video about two boys who biked from Alaska to the tip of South America with their parents and other examples of parents encouraging brave kids I thought you’d all enjoy. It’s only available (for free) for a few days though!
http://www.pjtv.com/?cmd=mpg&mpid=105&load=5846
Even though I don’t have kids yet, I ponder about if my family was overprotective, or there were real dangers out there that I was being protected from. I had a great great granduncle who was an FBI agent, and my grandmother always heard stories from him about children being kidnapped for prostitution and being taken out of the country as well as other crimes against children. He said most of these were never talked about on TV because they outcomes were too gruesome, and kids should be watched at all times until they are about seventeen.
For example, once when I was sixteen I decided to have a yard sale, and I wanted to stay outside by myself with the cash and items while my mother was taking a break and went indoors. A group of young guys around my age in a car came by my yard and they started to chat with me through the window of their car. Though I was ten feet away from their car my grandmother ran out of the house and got hysterical and told me I should never do such a thing as they could just jump out and take me. She ranted on about some serial killer who took fat girls ( I was a bit on the heavy side at that age despite being in sports) so he could use their body fat for satanic rituals.
She was really hysterical about this to the point I burst out in tears and told her that she watches too much TV news and listened to my granduncle too much. Then she yelled “Well most of what is on TV goes on in REAL LIFE! Also your granduncle was an FBI agent so he knows of things that happen that don’t make it on TV! I can’t allow you to suffer because I would be heartbroken if you wound up missing and killed!”
Are there some crimes against kids we never hear about because perhaps because they were too awful for the media to discuss? There are things on TV that do happen in real life ( as my grandmother pointed out), and we shouldn’t be in denial of such things. Also, where do you get the legitimate statistics about dangers such as abductions so you can make sound decisions about how much freedom you give your children?
I’m not trying to say I’m anti-free range ( when I have kids I’m going to give them more independence at an earlier age than I had) , just I’m curious as it’s hard to know what information is real and what is urban myth these days.
For free range kids!
I was one myself, and somehow managed to stay alive, even in the worst of circumstances… That said i was also a neglected child in some ways, but I am thankful for most of the opportunities my folks did give me… I do know that I despise when my mom says I grew up “street smart” though, because those were “lessons” I did not think I should have endured at the age that I did, but in my currant situation, the lessons I didn’t think I ever would need have came in helpful, now that I am in the real world living in public housing (low income area/ on welfare) after leaving an abusive relationship…
I believe my folks gave me way too much credit and not enough guidance in many ways, but I can see the difference in free range and neglect now… I will try to do better for my children with what I have to offer them…
my life under age 10 was blissful, even though I lived in a Major City (Toronto) I was situated close to a major park that had miles of bike/ski paths and forests to wander and get lost in for days it seamed some summers (ahh to be young again and have time seam to stand still) we often went to the Ontario Science Center on bike or skis with no parental supervision in the paths(we figured out how to take some major short cuts that were very risky, but we felt the reward was worth it)… I also spent many weeks each summer going to different camps also, the same ones my son goes to now every year… but my most free times for sure were at my cottage 1 hr away from the city, every weekend(unless we had something really big in the city to attend to) at the cottage, and many full weeks) we were free to go far and wide(218 acres in the park) and have many wonderful days just being kids building forts, going to the shooting range to search for clay targets that did not break, and shell casings in the sand (with specific instructions not to go there if adults were there unless it was my father or uncle, that is one place the grown ups were not expected to have to deal with stray kids) we all learned how to shoot a rifle by age 10 and most of us got our hunting certificate and FAC by age 15… learning how to drive at a very young age, every time an adult went in the car to go anywhere in the club they would have a child in the lap learning how to steer or use the pedals… our only rule there was not to leave the club unless we cleared it with a grown up (didn’t have to be our parent, our friends parents were fine if we couldn’t find our own) and the only reasons we ever had to leave it was to take our rubber boats or inflated car inner tubes over to the bridge on the road to go down the river to the sauna, or to the general store on bikes to get money for the empties pop bottles we had collected from the neighbors, and cash it in for a bagful of candy’s that we would have to eat under the other bridge before we went back to the club, because us girls realized very early on if we brought them back the boys would steal it all from us… one year I remember my folks had just got a tent trailer from someone who was moving to Europe and they left it in a lot wayyyyy far from my parents lot, and that was the summer I had my own lot to entertain my friends in (at age 9) we had camp fires we made ourselves and the boys would play chicken using full pop cans and placing them in the fire to see who could sit the longest beside it before they EXPLODED in a huge bombardment of shrapnel like pieces mixed with root beer, I am amazed none of them took out an eye doing that, us girls would just sit in the trailer until the boys got tired of that, we didn’t have the need to prove we could be idiots, we felt the boys did a fine job at it on there own… We climbed on roofs, and jumped into big piles of cushions and pillows and an old mattress, one year when we were on the roof we actually spotted or neighbors overhang roof was on fire due to the barbecue they had underneath… and funny thing was TONS of adults were sitting on the porch under the very overhang that was on fire and none of them realized it was happening, due to the design of it… we saved the day (yay!!!) the fire dept was called and we all got to see a firetruck up close and in person and got to climb all over it, that was the ONLY time we ever saw any emergency vehicles there… We all had knives to whiddle wood with, and we all got our fair share of cuts… we made dozens of forts in the woods that to this day my parents have no clue where they were(one still stands 20 yrs later I just saw last weekend) or what we did at them (mostly hide from the boys who for sure had a frog or something equally as yucky ready to throw at us at any given time) … We would be by the river swimming or having clay facials(that we dug up from the river bottoms) and getting leaches and learning that the easiest way to get a leach off was with a lit cigarette if no salt was readily available (just remember to stay VERY still) … We explored abandoned barns in private property that surrounded the club (without our folks knowing of course) and rode our bikes to the next town through a path we discovered one day(I think I was 8 then) even though we had absolutely no clue where it led to or what it might have (we didn’t ask our folks we just went, kids WILL break the boundaries) and that’s when we discovered that the river we swam in went all the way to the next town, so logically we had to take our boats all the way (once again no parental knowledge of all this) they did find out when we got to the town and had to call them to pick us up (from a strangers home, we didn’t think to take a quarter for the phone) since we were so tired from dodging the rapids and avoiding the waterfall we never knew would be there, boy did we hear it that day! and somehow none of us died or was kidnapped (4 kids, ages 11 to 7 yr olds, in a rubber boat not even one life jacket) maybe we were just lucky, I’m really not sure…
Then my folks broke up and my blissful happy childhood disappeared and I was left with a very different set of circumstances, my father kicked me out to go live with my mom, and her boyfriend did not like me (or maybe he did a little “too” much) so she got me my own place at age 12, 2 blocks from her, where I was exposed to way more then any young adult (even grown up) should be… I did not go to school for 2 years living there, and hung around with the wrong people, and got into all kinds of trouble… I was basically a street kid with a roof over my head… But it helped me to know that even in the baddest areas there were good people, without that intense knowledge I am sure I would be an easy target in the area I live in now, instead I walk with my head high and I do not attract problems (although I have on more then one occasion stood up to some of the drug dealers in the area, which may not be the best thing considering) but still I refuse to live in fear…
all my life up till age 16 my folks made sure I did go to Europe (sometimes with sometimes without) after that it was all up to me to make any arrangements, I had incredible adventures all of which I loved and cherished in Europe…
from age 16 up I have not been in any trouble with the law (despite what could have happened) and I worked for many years until I had to flee an abusive relationships with 2 small kids, since then I am taking care of them as I see fit, and I will start school again one day to give a better life for them then I can at this time…
I learned at a young age that one thing is guaranteed in life and that is death, maybe I am a bit jaded, but I can not live in fear of death, as that would be no life at all….
All in all my folks did ok… My brother got involved with computers at a young age and he has went far in his career (he was not kicked out into the world alone) and I learned a love of living and a love of traveling that I only hope I can pass on to my children…
on a side note Yam Erez I read all the posts for this thread and I was surprised at your reaction to plastic bags, considering your other posts… I guess you never looked into the amount of baby’s that have died from them, and still do (around 25 per year) unnecessarily… I am not by any means a plastic bag Nazi when it comes to my own kids, but I believe the warnings are in place for a very valid reason and I believe it has saved many babies over the years from dying, I would not give my baby a plastic bag to play with as I have felt first hand what can happen… If you do not believe me go get one of the cheep Walmart bags and put it on your head and start to breath rapidly, in a state of panic (which is a natural reaction for a baby) and make sure you do not use your hands to pull it off your head(as a baby would most likely not have the brain and hand response to do so) and see how you feel…
http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/pubs/5064.html
AB, good for you for asking questions and challenging assumptions. The stats are all available, or just stay here with us and learn.
Nora, enjoyed your post. re plastic bags, I’m under the impression that the whole panic began with that ultra-thin clingy stuff that used to come with your dry cleaning, and was extended to “Do not let anyone under the age of six anywhere near a plastic carrier-type item, ever.” We’ve all seen parents leap up and snatch a modern-day retail bag — which are thicker and bear little resemblance to the cling-stuff — from out of reach of their toddler as if it’s cryptonite. C’mon…you’re telling me if you’re sitting right next to them they can’t manually explore it just to hear the crackle? I remain unconvinced. Do we not give our kids baths because babies have drowned in tubs? No. We are right there next to them. So what’s the difference?
Yam, the difference that I see is that water is an Obvious danger, we have all learned about its safety from a very young age, and have felt the power that it can have, and we hear of all the adults who still die from water so it is a real danger even for the best swimmers… Plastic bags are a Non-obvious danger, that the warnings are in place for (and we can not put a warning directly on every drop of water, lol) we are not told on a regular basis not to play with plastic bags alone (as we are told about water) or about how many babies (out of 25 each year 90% under age 1) die from it, I guess because if we had to tell our kids that about plastic bags on a daily basis and how dangerous they are we surly will go nuts, but a simple warning is a gentle reminder of that(that 25 babies parents still disregard)… Water should be given the respect it deserves and everyone should know about the possible dangers of it, and you should always swim with a buddy (adult or child) and plastic bags should not be left in places that small children (mainly under age 1) do have free roam of… My 11 mth old often is free ranging in our 2 bedroom apt (only blocked from going into the boys room aka: Lego land) I will not leave bags that she may get into anywhere in the home, she does not have the instincts (or ability) to gauge the dangers on it… I will however put down my shopping bag in the living room, when I am sitting there and if she happens to go near it I will sit back and watch her play with the crinkles or try to get what ever new treasures are in it out of it, but not for long periods and never unsupervised… As a child I remember ONE time a grown up telling me why kids should not play in plastic bags, and every time I see the warning now I remember what they told us, I am not sure if I would have remembered that lesson I was taught at a young age, without the constant gentle reminder of it on the bags, it has not made me fear them, but it has made me respect what can happen… We can teach our children about water safety and we can also teach them of plastic bags and the Non-obvious danger it imposes, but since we can not take them to plastic bag lessons (as opposed to swim lessons) a simple lesson as a child and millions of warnings to make sure that lesson sticks past childhood and into adulthood is perfectly understandable and reasonable to me… When giving the plastic bag lesson you can also use it as an opener as how even things that are in the home and seemingly non-obvious can and have posed real threats to children(mostly infants)…
Yam Erez, I should not have responded like that, if I may start over… My last response was not well put, I think I should clarify myself…
the reason we have plastic bag warnings is that they were the Number 1 killer of infants under the age of 1 in the 1950’s and 60’s, in North America… even if the warnings are only there to respect the ones who died that way, I personally have no issue with having them there, and I do not see why anyone else would either if they knew it was the number 1 killer back then…
In order for us to evolve we have to learn from our mistakes. Hopefully one year not even one baby has to die a senseless unnecessary death from them…
When our children grow up I hope they will be banned altogether… as some Countries have already started doing due to the amount of wildlife that is found dead each year from plastics that end up in our waters… Thousands of animals each year, more then 280 species…
I will be giving my children an updated plastic bag lesson myself one day, and I will let them know what they have done to babies in the past and still in the present and what is happening to the environment as we speak… Maybe the children who learn these lessons in this generation will be the adults of the future who will be involved in that legislating…
It does not help when you see idiots on youtube putting plastic bags on their heads as a joke or to try and say we should not have those warnings…
They are a part of History now and should be respected as such…
*steps off soap-box*
I am in my mid 30s and was raised relatively free range. Now, I have a nearly two year old daughter and we try very hard to give her freedom when we can. Just today, we were in a warehouse store and she insisted on walking. We were keeping an eye on her. At one point, she became fascinated by giant cans of white potatoes. We told her it was time to go and got the predictable “No.” My husband and I are trying hard to teach her the importance of staying with us in crowded stores and also teaching her that she is not always the one in charge. We decided to walk away to the next aisle so she would understand that we were going to keep shopping now.
This was, as I said, a warehouse store. The shelves are more or less see through. We walked only to the other side of the shelf where we could see her the whole time. We were never more than 12 feet away. No more than 30 seconds had gone by when I saw a woman walk by, pause and do a double take at this tiny girl standing alone. I knew what was coming next, so I said, “We’re watching her. She’s with us.”
The woman was flustered and clearly about to judge our parenting. She made some hurried comment about how she was “too cute to leave alone” and she “might just take her.” Creepy kidnapping joke aside, it was clear that she did not approve of a two year old being “alone” in a busy aisle of a busy store while closely watched by both of her parents.
Free range lesson aborted and we had to go pick her up and carry her through the rest of the trip.
I just don’t think people here talk enough about age-appropriate free range and the difference between protective vs. overprotective.
Age 14 not allowed to go to the movies with friends? Overprotective.
Age 20 allowed to lay down life for their country but not allowed to drink beer after a battle? Abusive nanny state.
Age 6 walking alone to school for a mile? Underprotective; you might as well let them get their own apartment.
uz, the “old enough to fight, old enough to…” argument for giving those under the age of minority adult privileges is disingenuous and should be removed from the discourse. We don’t send our young people into battle because of their wisdom and maturity; precisely the opposite — because we can. And war should be considered an outlier, not an ordinary situation.
The reason the drinking age was raised to 21 is that it was being abused, i.e., 18-year-olds were drinking irresponsibly and likely buying alcohol for younger people. Actuarially, teens should be charged higher insurance rates; they’re worse drivers in that age bracket. I don’t call this abusive nanny state; I call it the state protecting you and I from statistically inferior and less responsible drivers and drinkers.
On another subject entirely, I was thinking about shampoo visors the other day. Seems to me the message is, “Buy this product and your child will never have to experience pain or discomfort.” Right. And what’s the child’s incentive to learn to shampoo her own hair if Parent + Shampoo Visor do it perfectly? Besides, I don’t like the things for the simple reason that it never feels like you’re doing a thorough job. Who wants to have to fool with an extra gadget while shampooing someone’s hair? I just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible and move on to more fun aspects of parenting…
After an overprotective childhood (my father was nuts over our “protection”), a teenage rebellion that led to the birth of my first child at 17, three other children later, and a divorce and remarriage, I think I am working my way towards free-range parenting, but meeting resistence in my community. Despite the fact that I am a college-educated (I hold a Master’s degree) young woman, the fact that I was a teenage parent (to a child who is now a teenager) seems to automatically put my parenting into question and therefore my free-range views are often criticized. I also have two special-needs children which many have assumed are because I obviously was some sort of slut who did drugs and doesn’t know who their father is (see teenage parent). When in fact my husband is the father to my special needs children, my ex-husband is the father to my older two children (yes I married the teenage father of my now teenage son) and I have never touched a drug in my life. SO, I keep my parenting on the sly. I allow free-range in my community, where my neighbors know me, know my children, and have similar parenting views, but I am having a hard time with allowing this in the general community because of the already negative presumptions about me or my children. For instance, I allowed my TEENAGE son to head to the mall and a movie with his friends. I dropped them off, I picked them up and was met at the car by a security guard (the kids had done nothing wrong) who one, asked if I was my son’s older sister (no, i am the mom) and when I revealed I was the mom, questioned as to why I was not in the movie with the kids as it was PG-13. Well, for one, my son is almost 16 and two, I had no interest in the movie. I was then given a list of everything that could have happened. My nine year old is visually impaired. It is assumed at her school and other places that I will do everything for her. And when I don;t? It must be because I had MY SON as a teenager (I was 25 when she was born) and never learned to parent. When my youngest was found to have learning challenges? I refused to do her homework for her, refused to pay upwards of 900 dollars per month for tutoring and instead enaged in non-schooling at home (after school) and learning in a way she understands, through games and play. The result? She has caught up, but her former school wanted me questioned by social services. The kicker? I work in social services. The response: Really? But didn’t you drop out of high school??? How do I get past the assumptions of others and allow my children to be free-range and not fall under constant criticism????
KD, wow. They were going to sic social services on you ’cause you weren’t willing to pony up hundreds of bucks for “therapy”? This “sign them up for therapy” thing is out of control. Examples:
1. My friend put her kid in occupational therapy for handwriting illegibility, and he made more progress in half an hour of my sitting with him while he wrote his homework and coaching him to “make that tale on the ‘g’ longer…make that ‘b’ taller…more space after that word…that’s it!” than in several costly OT sessions.
2. A nine-year-old I know slouches and drags her feet, I believe due to self-esteem issues, but she’s in costly riding therapy, when probably half an hour with a PT guiding her in picking up her feet and her head as she walks and assigning her increasingly longer practice sessions would do the trick.
3. A parent of twins I know was told by the preschool teacher that the boy constantly “asks the girl’s permission” (I’d call it checking in with her, probably common twin or even close sib behavior) before engaging in an activity; and was advised to enroll him in judo for self-esteem issues.
WTF?
KD, there comes a time in every mom’s when you just have to tell meddlesome people to MYOB. You don’t “owe” anyone an explanation for your parenting providing your kids aren’t running amok and wreaking havoc. Too man in positions of power and/or wearing a uniform think they can throw out their crumbs and everyone should be grateful for them. Yeah, I know Hillary Clinton made that dopey comment about how it takes a village to raise a child, but too many of those villages are full of idiots.
Age 6 walking alone to school for a mile? Underprotective; you might as well let them get their own apartment.
A mile, even for a child, is only about 20 minutes. And ideally they’re not alone, of course, they’re with friends.
I agree that children need to lead a normal, active, free-spirited life. But you are taking it too far. Unfortunately, this will mean nothing to do you. You’re narcissistic ways have rendered you incapable of normal reasoning.
Mother’s should be practicing, as they have through the history of the world, masterly inactivity. Let the child be.. but keep your ear out and hear what they’re doing and saying. This is how we correct their wrong thinking; words; behavior and it’s how we keep them safe.
As the mother of a child who was kidnapped; as a rape victim; as the grandmother of a molested infant.. I cannot agree with your haphazard parenting theories. Make a name for yourself doing this. That seems to be what you want.. get your narcissistic fix from all the attention; hatred and admiration. But no person with an ounce of common sense will follow your path.
Bravo!!! I think your post is spot on. Some of these posts seem to me that parents just don’t want to parent. I see most of the posts that say “I’m gonna let my kid free in the world and they will come home with all knowledge, and if you don’t yours will grow up dependent on you forever.”
Nothing could be further from the truth! Kids needs uninterrupted playtime where they don’t know they are being watched. They need to walk to friend’s houses with mothers alerting neighbors to watch them as they walk, they need age appropriate boundaries and to have the safety of parents who are skillfully watchful but not hovering.
I have a nephew who is a total free ranger. He is now off to college eight states over with a new car and his own apartment. He is independent but also arrogant and thinks he knows far more than he does. He is in for a rude awakening because he did not have enough training before he was allowed to just roam free.
I read an article once that noted that American children are the most confident children on the planet but are in essence the most ill prepared and even behind some third world countries in education. We have fallen behind for a reason folks!!! They have their whole lives to be grown and on their own, why not allow them at least the first 13 years to be a child?
Would I allow my nine-year-old to ride the subway alone in New York? Never. Would I allow my nine-year-old to walk a mile to school in a rural setting? Absolutely. I think free range parenting is a great concept and is absolutely needed in a world in which parents have somehow become expected to be superheroes. I also believe, however, that it requires moderation, good judgement and careful consideration. We need to let our children live and learn, but we need to protect them too. I believe with all my heart that there is a happy medium here – finding it is the trick!
I agree that children need to lead a normal, active, free-spirited life. But you are taking it too far. Unfortunately, this will mean nothing to do you. You’re narcissistic ways have rendered you incapable of normal reasoning.
1. Your, not you’re.
2. It’s generally considered poor practice to diagnose people you don’t know over the internet. Of course, that’s if you’re a doctor. Non-doctors, I guess, can do what they like. On that note, may I ask where you got your medical degree?
Mother’s should be practicing, as they have through the history of the world, masterly inactivity. Let the child be.. but keep your ear out and hear what they’re doing and saying. This is how we correct their wrong thinking; words; behavior and it’s how we keep them safe.
1. Mothers. Apostrophes don’t mean “look out, there’s an s coming!”, they actually have a meaning.
2. And nobody is saying you should totally ignore what your child says all the time.
As the mother of a child who was kidnapped; as a rape victim; as the grandmother of a molested infant.. I cannot agree with your haphazard parenting theories.
Wait, wait, wait. Was your infant molested because you were letting her go out in the world too early? Or was she molested, as most molested children are, by a family member or caregiver? Because if it’s the latter, it has nothing to do with how much freedom you allow, and it’s dishonest to imply it does.
On a similar note, was your kidnapped child kidnapped by a stranger? Or was that child, like most kidnapped child, abducted by somebody known to you, probably a relative? If it’s the latter, again, it’s irrelevant.
As far as your rape goes, I’m sorry for all the tragedy you’ve had to endure, but the same question must be asked – is it actually relevant to this discussion? It’s not sufficient to simply have a tragic past if you’re trying to get us to make choices based upon it.
Make a name for yourself doing this. That seems to be what you want.. get your narcissistic fix from all the attention; hatred and admiration. But no person with an ounce of common sense will follow your path.
Except for all of us with the common sense and logic to realize that fear isn’t really a very good reason to do or not do things.
I have a nephew who is a total free ranger. He is now off to college eight states over with a new car and his own apartment. He is independent but also arrogant and thinks he knows far more than he does. He is in for a rude awakening because he did not have enough training before he was allowed to just roam free.
One anecdote does not data make. Multiple anecdotes do not make date either!
Perhaps your nephew is arrogant because that’s his basic personality type. Or because he does very well in school and has always been praised for it. Or because he’s not arrogant, you just don’t like him nor his parents very much. Or because he’s a young adult, and they always seem arrogant to their elders.
You don’t know that there’s a correlation between how he was raised and his personality – and even if you could, you wouldn’t know for sure if it was THAT aspect of his rearing or something else! And that’s only one child, you certainly can’t say that you know how any other child will develop when raised in a certain way, nobody can. That’s what arrogance is, pretending that you can extrapolate from one child the correct way to raise ALL children!
I read an article once that noted that American children are the most confident children on the planet but are in essence the most ill prepared and even behind some third world countries in education. We have fallen behind for a reason folks!!!
Gosh, would that reason be because we spend fewer hours in school than children in most other developed nations do? Or possibly is it because we test ALL our children instead of tracking them strictly into a university track and a vocational track at a young age?
How do you explain the fact that many of these countries that outperform us on international tests raise their children in a more “free-range” way than is typical here? Children in Japan and Germany are expected to get to school by themselves when they’re six. No, not with Mom and Dad following behind. They outperform us on tests, don’t they? There’s a simple correlation there – perhaps we’ve “fallen behind” (itself a dubious proposition for a variety of reasons) because we aren’t free-range enough with our kids! (Of course, correlation does not equal causation. Perhaps we’ve fallen behind because many people in the US cannot understand basic logical principles, and that same lack of logic also leads to lack of free-ranging, or maybe they’re totally unrelated and it all has to do with the decline of pirates, as the Pastafarians say.)
Also, and I can’t believe I didn’t say this upfront – cite your source. What article? Who printed it? (Not all sources are equally reputable, unfortunately.) When did you read it? Did this article cite sources, or did it just natter on and on?
They have their whole lives to be grown and on their own, why not allow them at least the first 13 years to be a child?
Because there have been 13 year old admirals and lawyers and shopkeepers and composers. Why hold them back when they’re itching to do so much more? Where is the proof that THIS helps them? Would YOU like to be treated in a way fitting a child less than half your age?
Would I allow my nine-year-old to ride the subway alone in New York? Never. Would I allow my nine-year-old to walk a mile to school in a rural setting? Absolutely.
Well, presumably you don’t live in NYC. If I had to pick, I’d much rather have my nine year old kid traveling with a whole bunch of other people than all alone in an isolated rural setting. As they say, in the middle of nowhere, no one can hear you scream.
I also believe, however, that it requires moderation, good judgement and careful consideration.
Everyone believes that. Nobody here thinks you should just throw your child to the wolves and cross your fingers. Every other comment, it seems, has somebody saying that of COURSE you have to take your individual child and your own situation into account. It really ought to go without saying, but apparently it can’t.
Well, naturally I had to mispeel a few words. You can find them on your own.
Uly, it would be a good practice to stick to the discussion and not correct grammar. We all make mistakes and we are not doing research papers just friendly (well most of it) correspondence. I know I did not have at least two people check my post (standard college practice) and would think that no one else did either…lol
My nephew (who I don’t dislike) is not the only arrogant teen. If you can’t see that trend in this country then you, my friend, have a problem. Children are more disrespectful and brazenly rude than they were when I grew up (not 40 yet) and I don’t need research journals to figure that out. This is a forum sugar; doesn’t everyone bring an anecdote to the table to relate their real world experiences? How boring would it be if we just quoted facts and figures and no one tells about their own experiences??? Wasn’t that the focus of the post to begin with? One child on the subway???
As for the article, sorry I did not cite it, I just remembered the content and don’t know where I saw it but the ideas stuck. When I write my dissertation I will find it and add the footnotes. And I do believe that other countries have a better grasp of free ranging, which I have said in other posts. True free ranging works when you know your neighbors and the community is watching and teaching. I know my neighbors and am comfortable with my kids being outside without me. But, I also know my neighbors so I am watchful because some of their ideas are not what I want my kids hanging on to (did you get that play on ideas? Or will you bring down your English 101 wrath again?)
Yes, in generations past kids had to grow up earlier and had larger responsibilities. I did not say not to allow kids to flourish. I know that after all your ranting about grammar, statistics and valid arguments you did not infer that I meant to stifle kids. I’m a prior homeschooler so I’m all for discovering who your child is and helping them to be the best at it. If the average life expectancy is 65 (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/lifexpec.htm LOL) then that still leaves 52 years to do the really big stuff…gosh that seems real fair and balanced to me…play outside and not command an army until 13, at 14 join the armed forces and tour the world…
I’ll break down my beliefs so that I am clear. To raise healthy independent adults (yes, I meant adults) you need to give children gradual amounts of freedom tempered with discipline and teaching. You need to know your neighbors, teachers and administrators and your general community norms (not all the people – adding all this other stuff is monotonous but you want specifics soooo) You need to be ready to have them fall hard and have the strength to move back and allow them to pick themselves up but also be ready to step in if they can’t (and you have to be around to know when to do that). I believe that a good foundation is the key to good adults and that starts with parents that are willing to sacrifice a lot time for parenting and skill building. I would not let my 9 year old ride the subway alone not because he couldn’t but because he has a lifetime to do it alone and only a few more years to just be a goofy kid with nothing big to do except scare his sisters with frogs…(and by the way I he builds a foot long lego car with doors that open and a life like engine that I think that’s way more cool than him being part of the pit crew at a Nascar race…call me crazy…)
Stephy, that’s what the philosophy is. But see, Lenore allowed her son to do this *because he was already very experienced in riding the subway*. She didn’t toss him out on to it with no training, instructions, or experience. She just let him do it without her…as we will all do with our children as we train them and then LET THEM GO. She knew the system, the typical ride, who the general population was, where they were, and her son’s abilities. Would you like it if we all judged you on ONE decision you made that we wouldn’t have, even if it turned out exactly as planned?
LauraL, really, are the people on this post to touchy that your ideas can’t be tested without your feelings getting hurt? We are in a forum discussing both sides of an idea. I say what I do, then others comment on what they do. I’m not judging anyone, glad the kid is safe…if he is around me and needs help I’ll supply it. A different view is not a judgment in itself…now if I said it was stupid, which I did not…and will not…then that would be a judgment. Differences and challenges are what generally strengthen ideas. How much better are all of us when we are made to think about what we believe in and actually do the thinking?
????? Huh. I thought I *was* discussing. Doesn’t a discussion involve asking questions? Hmmm…. carry on.
Yes LauraL you did ask a question, how would I feel? I don’t think I would care much. In Parenting you do what you do and if you know it’s right, other people’s opinions should not matter much. I am truly sorry if my tone sounded too harsh…it is difficult to see how someone is reacting through text I may have been heated by Uly’s post which was not really a discussion but a rant about grammar and technical information and you got caught in the middle. I think I am somewhere in the middle of free ranging and love the discussion. Nice way to add how the community was considered in your post but I would still prefer to wait for a better cognitive age for my child to ride the subway.
Stephy, that’s always the trick, isn’t it? Finding the balance between what I feel my child’s abilities are and my own hesitation in letting them prove them.
I just dropped my 13yo son off at a reservoir to fish. His sister didn’t want to come. It’s not a faraway lonely place (well, kind of, it’s behind a cemetery that sits on a busy highway…) he knows how to swim, and the bank slopes to the water rather than exists high above it. He’s all excited about trying this out, and I’m all biting my nails over it. But I have to remind myself: THIS is why he took swimming lessons, THIS is why I let him go with his much older cousins fishing at the ocean this past weekend, THIS is why I’ve taught him to be prepared. (He has his phone and a can of soda and a bucket!) So that he can.
*bites nails*
Stephy, when you type like an illiterate, you should expect people to call you on it. If you want people to think you are intelligent, act like it.
Given that almost everything I said had nothing to do with your egregious spelling errors, errors that I would consider unacceptable if I found my eight year old niece making them, much less a grown woman, I find your comments regarding my corrections to be entirely lacking in merit.
If you can’t see that trend in this country then you, my friend, have a problem. Children are more disrespectful and brazenly rude than they were when I grew up (not 40 yet) and I don’t need research journals to figure that out.
Funny, people have been saying that repeatedly over the past 2,000 years. Socrates had a whole rant on the subject! By now you’d think that we’d all be grunting if the trend was really what you think.
Wasn’t that the focus of the post to begin with? One child on the subway???
Sure. Followed up by actual, provable statistics and facts.
LauraL, really, are the people on this post to touchy that your ideas can’t be tested without your feelings getting hurt?
Gosh, I don’t know. You’re the one who is neither willing to correct her spelling nor accept that other people will judge her for it. I don’t think you really have the standing to call other people touchy.
I would still prefer to wait for a better cognitive age for my child to ride the subway.
On the basis of what? Where is the proof that your ideas are correct and others aren’t?
Uly, you did not correct any grammatical errors of mine. I was taking up for another person sharing ideas. Look in a cognitive psych book for the answers you seek as I’m done with you. I have watched the post for a year and noticed that you don’t have original thoughts but mainly nasty remarks to others. You are why I stay in prayer for people. Sharing ideas does not have to be ugly, Uly. Stop the criticism and notice that we are different and a healthy expression allows good ideas to flow…don’t stifle everyone with your hatful attitude. I apologized to LauraL as soon as I stepped out of line and I will no longer allow you to dim my light…But you didn’t notice that because you were too busy hating to see a compromise of ideas…teachable moment for a grown up…learning is lifelong…LOL
LauraL…Fishing, and swimming…I’m praying for your son…I loved rock hopping when I was young and even allow my kids to play at a stream near their Great Grand’s home… I’m not against growing up, just growing up too fast…the fishing I get, that is kid stuff, exploration at its finest!
Stephy, I interpret “kids today grow up too fast” not as riding the subway or taking on age-appropriate responsibilities, but rather early exposure to sexuality, dressing and acting out sexually at ever earlier ages, inappropriate interest and / or obsession with body image and or material goods, i.e., electronic gadgets and brand-name clothing. This phenomenon is far more dangerous than a nine-year-old riding the subway.
Yam Erez, I respect your opinion and agree that the things you listed are a part of growing up too early. But I also think that applies to riding the subway at 9. I do not think a child needs to be without an adult to grow up or even have great learning experiences. (I recognize that they also need alone time as well). I have a 7 year old, a 9 year old and a 10 year old and we have ridden the subway many times. They get their fare cards, choose the route, direct our path and if we get lost they ask the terminal workers what to do while I stand back and watch. They have gotten it wrong a couple of times and wasted a little money but that was all part of the lesson. I believe that they could get from point A to point B without a problem and without me. The issue I have is that life is unpredictable and a myriad of things could happen that may call on other types of adult reasoning they just don’t have (I am not talking about extremes).
I know that you can’t teach what to do in every situation and it is important to teach kids how to think but I also think that this is learned over time. I love when my kids get something wrong and I am there to see how they would react and we can have a teachable moment. I think they like the independence but also the safety of me as a back up just in case. We are not in ages past, we now have the freedom to take life a little slower and I just don’t see anything wrong with it. I plan to send them on a weeklong mission trip to another country at age 16 but until then I plan to have millions of teachable moments. I’m somewhere in the middle of this and think the discussion is a good one.
I’m a moderately Free-Range parent, seen as completely radical to most of my friends. I don’t ahve a single friend that have kids my age (6 and almost 4) who let their kids play outside alone ever with their suburban privacy fences and quiet suburban streets. I even let my kids play alone in the front yard. We live on a rather busy street. I feel safe letting them play outside. Why? My almost 4 year old told me that if they went in the street, a fast car would squash them like a bug. When he’s bigger he’ll know how to be in the street without turning into a squashed bug.
Some recovery was involved to get to this place. I had severe post-partum depression with my second child. It was so bad that my mom would call and she’d sit on the phone worrying about the kids and me for an hour or more at a time.
I intensely fear what would happen to me if anything happened to one of the kids. Surely, with the PPD, I’d be blamed and the kids would be taken away.
I gradually got past those fears. At the end of may the little one broke his femur. He didn’t get hit by one of those fast cars, he didn’t fall out of a tree. He didn’t fall down a well. He slipped on a wet spot in our very own kitchen.
Broken femurs suck. They really do. My 40 pound kid was nearly 70 pounds with his cast and lost nearly all of his independence.
He’s out of the cast now and walking. He’s even running. One of my friends is truly in the process of carpeting her own house completely. I’ve started making sure spills are wiped up more quickly.
For a time, some of that old fear was back. I think it’s a pretty natural reaction. Things are mostly back to normal here though. The same kid slipped on a wet spot in the bathroom the other day. We all survived it.
Emily, let’s hear it for the femur crowd! When my daughter was two, she was hanging by a bar in front of our house, over sand, her feet about half a meter from the ground. I was standing right next to her. She let go, dropped, and broke…her femur! Ta-dah! 11 days’ hospitalization, in traction. Fun with a two-year-old. A friend came to switch us in the hospital so we could go to her three-year-old sister’s birthday party. She came home with a cast and we had to be with her constantly. A real party for all. Took her several weeks to relearn to walk. When she did, I nearly dropped to my knees to thank the Goddess. So yeah, stuff happens. Anywhere. With parent nearby, supervising. Ya just gotta roll. Or as my grandma used to say, “Let ’em run.”
I am LMAO at Stephy’s claim that teens were more respectful when we were young. Sorry Stephy but I’m in my 30s too and you either don’t remember your teen years very well for one reason or another or you’ve entered grumpy old woman stage really early.
Either way, I extend my sympathies to you.
Kate,
I do remember my teen days and pushing against authority. But I did not act in the brazen “curse you out” way the teens are doing now. I would have never cussed at an adult or gotten close enough to them and seem like I wanted to fight. Maybe it’s my area but I have been cursed at (many times) for telling a group of teens in a mall eatery (or other area) to tone down the language around the kids that were around them (not being rude to the teens). I am consistently running into teens in customer service positions that have no idea how to serve or be polite in their positions. I volunteer at my children’s school and help many teachers through an area PTA group. The older teachers have a consistent cry that it is harder to teach because of the attitudes and actions of today’s children. Now, I understand this is not all children but enough for it to make a noticeable difference in my community.
Keeping on topic…It takes a village to raise a healthy free range child…and my village has been trampled by another rival tribal group dead set on letting children roam without boundaries or rules….which is why I let mine roam just a little closer to home. (I’m not saying that this is how any of the free rangers on this post parent but it is out there)
Also, I’m wondering where the sarcastic sympathy statement came from? Again, an exchange of different ideas only helps to give you a better foundation for your beliefs. While it was a witty end to your post it also displayed the coldness that I am conveying about this time in our society…. if you pass that attitude along to your kids they too will not think about what they say, only that they have the “right” to say it…
I think your book has been the best ‘breath of fresh air’ in this whole parenting circus for a long time.
It drives me nuts to see how scared parents are or letting their kids live, how miserable kids are, how openly judgmental so many parents can be and and how much fun kids and parents are missing out on!
I have started my own crusade, trying to bring common sense back into parenting, sort of a back to basics parenting but without the hitting and other nasty stuff that used to go on, type thing…
Have a look at http://www.greatparents.com.au–its still small but we have big plans.
Cheers
Phil
Phil, it’s a dead link. Can you resend?
Adults have believed “this generation of kids” have been more disrespectful since the dawn of humanity:
“When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint”.
Hesiod, 8th century BC
“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?”
Plato, 4th Century BC
“The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint… As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”
Attributed to Peter the Hermit, AD 12743
http://www.anxietyculture.com/antisocial.htm
We can guess why this is so. It’s probably not that every generation is progressively worse. I think it’s partly that we remember how *we* individually were but look at the worst of the current kids when we think of current kids. The one brat at the mall who calls you a name stands out more than the 50 who did nothing wrong and who you ignored.
Ok, so I have to comment on something that just happened. We had an earthquake today… did you feel it?? It was CRAZY. That’s not what I wanted to comment on.. Right after “the quake” I mentioned on FB that due to an over abundance of adrenaline I was going to take a jog. Within seconds my sister texts “Are you crazy? What about potential aftershocks” Ok, lets set aside the fact that outside is probably the safest place to be during and earthquake… So, I should be terrified now?? Lock myself inside in deference to the natural disasters that *might* happen soon, because of the one that just happened?? Thats completely logical…. I’ll do you one better… how bout I just never leave my house again! OYE!
Scott, I am LOVING Anxiety Culture. Duly bookmarked, and you can be sure I’ll revisit, especially when I’m supposed to be working! : )
Well, Yam, I’m glad you like it 🙂 I had actually just remembered part of the quote, googled it, and found that page. After your note I went back and read more of the site. They make some good points, but I disagree with others.
P.S. I guess you all figured out the Peter the Hermit quote AD 1274, not 10 millennia in the future 😉 A footnote got pasted in.
Funny how life works…I thought I would give everyone a laugh…I’m on the east coast, when the earthquake hit I had a friend call and tell me how glad she was to home school because her children were safe at home aaaaaaand “you never know what will happen.” I thought about this site and how I just posted a version of that statement a bit back.
I got mad at her and myself for wanting my kids to NEED me to feel safe. I was actually glad they were not with me, and could not wait to see what their reactions were and how they handled everything.
It took 1 hour and 15 minutes for them to get home; it usually takes about 10 on a normal day. The only one that was a little unnerved was my youngest. The older two sat with her and just rolled with the situation. They were in more control than most of the adults fleeing for home and blocking traffic for hours.
They played outside all afternoon and got on the bus with no problems this morning.
I’m glad I have weather warn kids. As I have stated I don’t go as far as some but from yesterday’s events I think I may be leaning a little further on your side than I think…lol
Thanks to this blog, I actually feel like becoming a parent wouldn’t take over my life, and I feel like it’s actually something I could accomplish without losing myself. Thanks! You probably saved my marriage!
Wow, I just listened to your book (via audio mp3) and it really struck me. I’m always saying we need to give our kids more freedom, but everyone says what a dangerous place this world is now, and we can’t let our kids roam the neighborhood like we used to as kids. Your light shedding statistics were astounding, why are we being fed this line of garbage?
Only problem is, my wife believes all the news reports and FBI phone apps that tell us it’s too dangerous. She won’t even let our 8 year old go to the public restroom at a store or even Red Robin (where you can see the bathroom door from your table!). Thus, even though I’d love to have free range kids, the wife is against it.
My fourteen year old, first year of high school started three weeks ago. Rode the city bus home by herself. We hadn’t had a dry run. i know 14 is old for this for most of you but it was a triumph for me. All around me are skeptics and terror mongers.
We had barely discussed it but today it was to her advantage so she called and said she would take the bus. This girl has not ever ridden a city bus by herself.
Hey, Ron, way to go, from another mom of a new female 9th grader!
Growing up in the actual city of Detroit in the 70’s, I could play at my friend’s house 3 doors away and we could ride our bike down to the end of the block and back. I didn’t go around the block on my own until I was at least 8. I visited my childhood home this summer with my 5 year old and never let him out of my sight. Between drug addicts walking down the street, pit bulls running loose, people driving much too fast for a residential road, there was no way in hell I was going to let him roam anywhere without an adult nearby.
We live in a much smaller community than Detroit but he still can’t roam on his own. Not only is my son extremely impulsive and as a result, he makes poor decisions, there is a registered sex offender on our block so roaming is out!
Please, please continue the crusade to give children independence and freedom so they can grow up to be confident and competent adults. I grew up on a ranch in rural CO in the 70s and had an unbelievable amount of freedom, but it was rural after all. As a teenager living in the Bay Area, I rode BART fearlessly to and from the city, Berkeley, etc.
I currently live in Switzerland and have children ages 5, 8, 10, 12. They all walk to school alone. The three oldest children all ride their bikes to soccer practice alone, on city streets, crossing one busy street with tram lines. They play in the park across the street without my supervision (the 5 year old has to be with my 10 or 12 year old if he goes without me) and the three oldest all go to the market around the corner alone. We live in a suburb and the oldest 3 can safely navigate trams and buses to make into the city and back. The oldest may be gone for a few hours at a time without me knowing exactly where he is. He has also been gone for 2 weeks at a time with his school (public) without any communication to or from us. However, we live in a small town and people generally watch out for each other and each other’s children. It is also common for an adult to admonish or correct a child in public if the parent is not around. Took a little getting used to, but I’ve seen my children corrected by other adults in public, and they rarely display that behavior again.
However, when we first moved here 2 years ago, I followed my children everywhere and had to always know what they were doing. I constantly feared for their safety, thanks to the current culture of fear of abduction/injury/molestation/death/etc. bred in the US. Vigilance and allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them is a far better message to send than, “don’t try it or do it because you might get hurt/fail/etc.” Of course, safety comes first but not allowing an 8 year old to simply use a public restroom alone has gone way too far.
Lenore, you have to check this out (http://pregnant.thebump.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-tools/articles/checklist-babyproofing-part-1.aspx?MsdVisit=1). There are two webpages of how to secure your home from an infant. It’s absolutely insane, and I can only imagine what unnecessary stress this gives first-time parents. With our second child, we didn’t bother to gate the stairs or lock the drawers, and at 17mo. she’s learned how to navigate it all safely. happy reading.
I am also a parent who wants to give my daughters freedoms, but is scared to death! The amazing thing is that my mom is the one who instilled all the fear in me, but she still gave me lots of freedom. Maybe her plan was to scare me so I would be on alert while I was on my own. Anyway, I have just started reading your book, and a question keeps screaming in my head, which I haven’t seen an answer to. If parents are so much more protective now, yet the crime rate is the same as it was, isn’t it much more dangerous out there? Far fewer kids are out riding their bikes alone, for instance, yet the same number are victims of violent crime. Wouldn’t that suggest that the danger is greater for those kids who actually are allowed on their own? Please don’t get mad and yell at me, it’s just one of those questions I always have about the way statistics are used.
Amanda, I’m not sure where you are getting your crime figures, but crime RATES are going down. If 20 years ago you had a population of 1,000 children and 1 child was abducted out of that population and then you compared that to today, where you had a population of 10,000 children with 1 child still being abducted it would mean that the same number of children were abducted, but is actually safer since the odds of that particular crime being commited against any individual child have dropped.
It’s late and ‘m tired. I hope that makes sense!
My four and a half year old son started school last week. For the first week, I waited outside for the bus with him. This week, I stood at the door and watched him be picked up from the sidewalk in front of our house (we have a longish walkway). Next week, I plan to only peek out the window when I hear the bus to watch him get on. The following week, I vow to only look to make sure he’s gone once the bus leaves.
Nothing will go wrong. His bus driver calls my cell phone if he is not at his stop. He is capable of standing for roughly three minutes outside our house.
Baby steps. Before I know it, he’ll be riding his bike to school!
-Stefani
I am all for free range kids. I am still a little unsure of how I will execute it as I grew up in a very small town (400) and now live in a very large city (Metropolitan population of over a million). My kids are not going to be as free as I was mainly because walking to the library would be a day trip for them. I am sure things will pan out in time, my oldest is two so it’s not quite time for her to make the trip to the park by herself, but she can walk there without holding my hand, and climb the equipment alone. A start.
Your book is fantastic, you bring up so many great logical points. You’re an inspiration to me and I’m definitely for. Keep up the wonderful, fantastic work!
Hi, an update!
My four year old jumped off the top of a bouncy castle slide and did NOT hit the bouncy part, but rather the ground, 15 feet down.
He broke his foot, of course. And the organizers of the event we were at will never know, because it is part of a normal childhood.
He thinks his walking cast is very cool, even though he’s still in a good amount of pain.
Poor bud. But he said he learned something.. That you can’t fly, even if you’re really high up when you try.
Stefani
What a wonderful message to be spreading the fear mongering about child safety (and life in general) is way out of hand these days. My favorite example recently that I felt compelled to share; my daughter attends a local waldorf school and every quarter we get there national Waldorf Association magazine in our mailbox. One of the more recent ones had a feature article about safety. What it turned out to be was an incredibly detailed freak out about how dangerous eurythmy classes are and that children should be wearing bicycle helmets while participating. For those of you who don’t know, eurythmy is physical representations of sounds and words very much like a calm slow moving modern dance class. My jaw dropped considerably after reading the article. What?! I thought, helmets in what amounts to a dance class? Good grief, anyway I just ran across your story about putting your son on the subway and felt relieved that there are parents out there raising children into adults instead of adult sized children. (I rode the city bus to school from 8 – 9 and then got a bike, my daughter would do the same if we lived in town) what a wonderful experience you gave your son, I would expect he will remember it and learned an invaluable lesson about keeping himself safe without mom watching behind him.
I so agree with you. I wrote a little observation in my blog after witnessing age restrictions and warning signs on what looked like the safest possible climber. It’s unreal how silly people have become about safety. http://www.katehansenart.com/2/post/2010/08/climbing-kids-help-them-make-safe-fun-again.html
First, my apologies if my language is’nt correct. I’m not American. I live in a European country, have no kids but is expecting. First time I learnd about Izzy was on the Operah-show (I think). First I was mildly shocked, but than I thaugth “why not?” In my eyes, America is one of the most dangerous places to live. But than again, probably most of my fear is made by media. You have drive-by shootings, rapes, murders, natural disasters, terror attacks and what not. But what frightens me most is your health care system. If something happens with your kid, you are economicly hostage by the system.
A friend of mine went to your country and had to go to the emergancy room with a rash. She and her husbond had to pay over $1000 for the consultation! I’m shocked! In my country this would be free of charge.
But to my point. I’m very pro free range kids in that sense that kids should be able to learn how to engage them selves in activities. I think it’s good for the brain that kids them selves learn to set goals and work towards personal success. I also think that kids in different age groups should play together. The smaller kids look up to the older ones, striving to be as fast or strong as them. The older ones learn to heard the flock so that no one is left behind. For instance, when I was a kid, climbing trees and riding my bike was the most important activities in my life for a long time. But always somone climbed higher than me or rode their bike faster than me. I remeber how I internelised a goal that I had to work harder to be as successfull as the older kids. So every day I reached for the branches that were to high up for me. Or stept harder on the pedals so that one day I could pass at least one of the others.
But even if I got better, I looked after the younger ones while I still amed for a place in the front row, as everybody in the group did. And is’nt that a good lesson for life? Strive to be your best, but also remember the smaller ones.
When I was a small child (I am 24 now) my mother was very over protective of me. As a result it stunted my social growth greatly, and had a serious adverse affect on my self esteem. When she died when I was 10 years old, I was devastated and terrified of the world around me. It took many years for me to be able to come out of my shell and grow personally. I struggled for a long time with depression and social anxiety. Today I still deal with these things, but on a much lower scale because I was forced to do some growing up that I was not permitted to do as a kid. I can say confidently, though, that it has probably hindered opportunities for success that I have passed up due to fear and low self esteem. I love my mother dearly and miss her very much, and don’t blame her personally for any of issues that arose out of her over protection, but her sheltering was a hindrance, not help.
Today I am grateful that I was able to overcome most of the social anxiety, but I often wish I had been given the chance to experience the sense of adventure in life that comes with being a kid and exploring the world around me. I admire what you are doing. Thank you for giving your son the opportunities I was not.
Reading this blog makes me realize, I don’t need to keep questioning why I’m not so frightened or filled with anxiety about everything my son does, even though many around me are.
When I hear parents saying: “watch out, don’t do that, be careful” with every move their child makes, I want to say: “Don’t do anything that comes natural!”
You have to be diligent on certain things like pools and traffic but let your kid be a kid!
Earlier this week I got a couple of flyers about Halloween safety from our base Safety Office. They had a lot of common sense suggestions, but also some that play into the US fears of poisoned candy, the dangers of brooms, and stranger abduction. My latest blog post is my opinion about some of the safety tips.
http://gap-runner.blogspot.com/2011/10/halloween-safety-or-paranoia.html
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My oldest has been tending her younger siblings since she was 9 years old. She started cooking in the kitchen when her “Bake with Me” oven just didn’t cut it. I bought little pans, and we’d share batter between the big pans and her small ones. I let her stir macaroni boiling in the pot while she stood on a chair as a preschooler. (I did freak out when I saw her doing it at 18 months, though!)
My 5-year-old loves it when she subs for daycare during the summer — she actually takes him to the park and pond, on library outings and more. And she isn’t yet old enough to drive, so they walk all over our small town.
My kids think I’m cool because parents in our town are so overprotective that some of my kids’ friends weren’t even allowed to cross the street when my kids walked and biked wherever they wanted, as long as I knew where they were headed.
We have one cell phone in the house — but my kids usually opt not to have to carry it when they go out because everyone else has one, so calling home for a ride is no problem! They travel light.
I HEART free-range kids.
I am wondering if there are any parents whose children are timid and who struggle to encourage them to get outdoors and explore? My youngest child is very adventurous but our 9 year old is quite anxious and won’t wander far from our side. We really welcome the idea of free ranging and think she would benefit from getting out and exploring a bit more.
Starting a new thread here. Last night I was thinking about the ever-changing “guidelines” for putting newborns to sleep. Before I had kids, people put infants to sleep on their tummies — the way most of them sleep most soundly. Then SIDS came along, and when my kids were born (early 1990s), it was on their backs. Then someone decided that neither tummies nor backs were right, so it changed to on their sides. How did this craziness begin? Because SIDS “has been linked to” babies sleeping on their tummies. Huh? Well guess what? Every baby who has died of SIDS also presumably breathed oxygen, nursed / drank formula, went to sleep…was born! Good grief: The “experts” know more about putting our kids to sleep than we do!
Today I’d advise new parents to put their babies to sleep however they will fall asleep and sleep most soundly, period. I’m confident that if parents use cotton or stretch tricot sheets that don’t “shed” fibers or pill, and perhaps gently turn their little ones’ heads to the side, everyone will sleep fine, and wake up refreshed. Yes, a certain number of babies will die…of SIDS, of Tay Sachs, of earthquakes, of a dozen or more terrible things over which none of us has any control. But the “guidelines” and the breathing monitors only add to the frenzy. Yes, I’m sure someone who’s lost her baby to SIDS will be on here flaming me, but I stand by my beliefs.
In 2007 my 6 month old son Price died from SIDS. He was found not breathing on his tummy in a crib at daycare. I’m not flaming you. I agree with you on many of your points. The reason I come to this sight is to try and find a balance as a parent of a 1 year old. I want to protect my one year old but not be overprotective because of what happen to my son. The thing about SIDS is it is just another way of saying a baby died while sleeping and we don’t know why. I’m not quite sure why the sleep position gets so much attention. I know they think other things can play a part too like temp of the room and air flow but you hear very little about that. Bottom line is if we don’t know why someone died we can’t pretend to know how to stop it from happening again. My sons death certificate doesn’t say he died from SIDS it say reason for death is unknown. Thats why I feel strongly about SIDS research. We need to know more before we can prevent SIDS. I challenge you to get involved. Contact you local SIDS foundation. Talk to them, give to them, help them support people who have lost and don’t know why.
@Yam – there is a HUGE difference between raising your kids free-range (ie without *unnecessary* restrictions and allowing them to explore and adventure within appropriate boundaries) and simply ignoring basic safety.
Here in Australia, the evidence shows that since the back-sleeping guidelines were introduced about 15 years ago, SIDS deaths have decreased by about 70%. I’ll repeat that, 70%!!!! That’s a LOT of babies who are alive today because of a simple, evidence-based change in behaviour.
Of course things like room temp, crib bumpers, swaddling, pre-existing illness and loads of unknown factors also have an impact on SIDS deaths, but some things are easier to change than others (ie your baby having a cold is impossible to change, so we control the things within our ability, like sleeping position.) Would you smoke around your baby, knowing it doubles their risk of a SIDS death? I certainly hope not. Why is back-sleeping any different?
It’s not about, “experts telling us how to put our kids to sleep”, it’s about experts (not sure why you used the quotation marks – highly educated, degree qualified researchers really *are* experts you know) studying patterns of activity and helping us to reduce devastating events like the death of a baby. The same reason we no longer drink and smoke during pregnancy, the same reason we now use purpose designed baby capsules instead of a bassinet strapped into the back seat of the car, the same reason we immunise our kids.
Please feel free to correct me Lenore, but IMO, being a free range parent isn’t about ignoring evidence and basic safety.
I am raising my kids free-range – my 6 yo travels to school by school ferry (and next year will start doing the 15 minute walk home through the bush on her own, and yes, we have lots of snakes, goannas and spiders in the Australian bush where we live! We also have cute wallabies, echidnas and birds though ; )) She plays in the mud, is responsible for feeding and collecting the eggs from our chickens, and she fearlessly jumps off the end of our wharf into the ocean. When we are at a park I let her roam freely and she is frequently out of our sight.
I know that the risk of abduction by a stranger for my kids is next to nil, but their risk of dying in a car accident, home accident or drowning is relatively higher, so I focus on minimising those real risks by practising basic safety. Our daughter always wears her seatbelt or lifejacket in the car and boat, she is always closely supervised while she is swimming and won’t cross the road on her own until she has the appropriate awareness to do so safely (probably a couple of years yet).
Similarly, we don’t allow anyone to smoke around our 8 month old, we always supervise him while he is eating, he has Australian Standards approved cot and toys (ie no choking hazards, no chance of getting stuck between cot bars etc), he sleeps on a firm mattress with no soft toys, no crib bumpers and ALWAYS on his back.
chad vl, thanks for replying. First of all, so sorry for your loss. Second of all, congrats on your second child! You have my utmost respect for being able to discuss this subject rationally. Good for you for still wanting your second child to grow up free range. I wish you both all the luck and blessings Goddess has to give!
Trixie, I also respect you for writing in with your viewpoint. You sound like you have a solid grasp of what you want for your kids. Bottom line: Your kid, your choice of how to put her down to sleep. If you’re both thriving, more power to you.
I wish this blog had been a resource I could use when I decided to let our 7-year-old son start walking to the park on his own. He’d started going to a Sudbury school, which emphasizes freedom and responsibility, and it made me look at my attitudes towards his freedom at home, too. I looked for statistics that refuted all of the alarmist hype, but it was hard going, so I just went with my gut and told people who were critical of me to calm down.
We lived in a town that took great pride in its reputation for being a safe place to raise kids, yet no one behaved as if they believed their kids were safe. One woman in my neighborhood, a kindergarten teacher, was clearly winning the motherhood contest, with as much safety gear spilling into her driveway as toys. As my son would walk by her house with only the dog in tow, I’d cringe and remind myself of all of the wonderful things I did as a kid when i was kicked out of the house for hours at a time.
He’s now 15, and navigating a large urban transport system with no input from me. He’s made some pretty big navigation errors as he’s figured things out, but I admire how protective he is of his ability to handle the mistakes. This is just one example of how his own view of his life and experience has been made so much better by my letting fear lose its grip on me.
I’m 66. My daughter’s in her mid 30’s, with a great husband and two awesome kids. I raised her as a free range kid, along with my ex-wife, WAY back in the 70’s. I raised her to understand she could tell the difference between right and wrong and could make intelligent decisions. I didn’t tell her to clean her room until I could see the floor or it started to smell, whichever came first. With regard to her peer group relationships, I didn’t get involved unless there was blood. I always told her the TRUTH, as best I knew it. She turned out great and I am so very, very proud of her. I’m STILL the parent, I’m still the “Dad.” I’m also Grandpa. This gig is never over, dig it? ‘Nuff said.
I read about what you did with your nine year old son and from what I read, I don’t think you should be offering any advice on how to leave your children alone in the park. Honestly, the fact that you let your nine year old son ride the subway alone was probably the result of LAZINESS. You were probably a busy, neglectful mother who did not have time for your son in turn, made you take short cuts in life. The subway ride is a good example of laziness, and neglectfulness. You are trying to promote this to the whole world but when the worst happens ie. a shooting involving these free range kids……you wash your bloody hands clean. Yes, I do agree with you that children should learn, but at a young age like 9. You must be on drugs! The only thing your setting your child up is DANGER. There is violence everywhere. You think that there is no violence and you act like your so confident that nothing will happen to these kids, you must be living in lala land because this does not always happen. There are kidnappings, random shootings, rape etc…..Life is not perfect. Just reading these comments makes me sick that there are parents that think the way you do. Don’t be so confident that your children will always be safe…..be a little more caring then Leonor Skenazy.
anonymous,
The difference between you and Ms. Skenazy is the she is very aware that bad things can and do happen, and she doesn’t believe that there is anything she can do to guarantee that she can keep her children safe. The illusion of safety isn’t worth robbing her children of their childhoods, and the risk of them not making it to adulthood has never been smaller. You think you can shield your children from an almost nonexistent threat, but you can’t.
Unless they are kind of freakish, you teenagers will experiment with alcohol, or even drink heavily. The will spend time in the car with their friends doing foolish things. Teens who have no experience with freedom are more likely to be irresponsible than those who have been practicing it for years, and I want my kid to be one of the responsible ones.
-“You think that there is no violence and you act like your so confident that nothing will happen to these kids, you must be living in lala land because this does not always happen.”
After raising half a dozen children, I have come to the conclusion that children raised non-free ranged are apt to be the ones who make the big mistakes when out of site of the parental overseers. I have been yelled at for allowing my 15 yr old (at the time) take my younger kids (not to go below age 7) to the park a half block away in my sight … the police were called. It wasn’t a rough neighborhood! Or even near one. My children and the children of the entire community from age 5 on would ride bikes and walk within a mile of my house, all the while stopping at their friends’ homes to call back to their homes and check in, we all could chart their location and progress via phone call and know our children were walking or riding safely together in a culdesac road style neighborhood … there are many, MANY more stories like this … I don’t want a broken adult, I want a child who can think, not get into trouble because they *KNOW* the dangers and have or can avoid them. Experience, there is no substitute. My children know what a trouble child looks like and avoids them, how do I know .. I get unsolicited reports from the community … free range does not mean unwatched or uncared for …
Pretty nice post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wished to mention that I’ve really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing in your rss feed and I am hoping you write again soon!
Free-Range Kid nearly squashed by my Jeep.
Several quote Free-range Kids some under 5 routinely play in the parking of my complex. I’ve warned them and there parents about the dangers of being run over by drivers, especially by the blind uphill turn that leads to my parking space. Most drivers drive this at high speed. I go very slow. In order to get into my spot I have to do a small tac back and then forword. Just as I was doing this (very carefull) A small child under the age of 5 ran right beind my jeep. I was luckly. SHe didn’t get hit but it was very close. She was running to her friends house. I talked to the parent of the friend, She could care less. I talked to management, managment talked to them and the childs parent and warned them. NOW the free range kids (3 of which are under 5) the oldest no more than 9 are playing not in the parking lot but on the main street to the complex which is fed in by a major road that people drive 30-40 miles and hour on, downhill not lookng.
THis is NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t have kids, and yes I was neglected by my parents and allowed to roam all over the neighboor hood alone for hours on in while they smoked with there friends. Yes I also had to “cook” for myself. None of this gave me joy or confidence. Looking back it was luckly nothing happened to me. Kids are hit by cars every year, so are adults. Kids don’t have the tools to take care of themselves out there alone. Stop you idiots saying this is a progression to better more advance child rearing. It is perfectly possible to watch your kids AND give them a sense of confidnece. Just because our parent abused a lot of us, doesn’t mean it was right. We used to exploit kids to work in factories, does that mean it was right. COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Think people.
Gcc,
“free-range” does not equal unsafe or neglected. A child under 5 should not be playing in a parking lot unsupervised. I hesitate to say they shouldn’t be allowed at all, because I have lovely memories of playing street hockey, kickball & capture the flag, all on our street… but always with a “lookout” for cars. Perhaps a safer area of the lot?
My husband was neglected as a child and often laments that no one ever intervened on his behalf, though he feels that his parents would have been able to keep him anyway, as they would have been able to present a happier picture than actually existed. However there is a difference between quietly letting a child explore his environment, and completely ignoring them. And you also have to understand the limitations of your child and also the ABILITIES of your child. While a child of five can sometimes in some cases seem very mature, most small children are not very observant, or aware of thier surrondings. That is why speed limits in residential areas are so low, and why as ADULTS it is our responsibility to be observant, cautious and aware at all times. Not just of our own children, pets and relatives, but of everyones.
Dear Danielle
Thanks for your comments. I was upset when I wrote mine so I will calm down now and try to add more to the story.
Have you ever considered how life shattering it would be to any moral adult to run over a child? I have because it almost happened to me.
I was like every day being extremely cautios with my vechicle, and yet it still almost happened. Children don;t have the judgment or mental ablity to understand the danger’s of cars. Please really consider what I am saying here.
Just because we may have had fun experiances as kids, doesn’t mean they were good or safe. All this said, with me being almost paranoid driver cautious driver I still almost hit that kid. She was running up to her friends house from an apartment down the hill.
Yesterday the same kids are now playing on the BIG road running across it, with a 9 year old girl supervising. The parents are back at the apartment smoking. I stumbled across this site and I could not BELIVE what I was reading. Starting with the book author’s admision that she let her 9 year old alone in NYC. I don’t feel same alone in NYC and I am 45.
After almost hitting that child, and the ONLY reason I didn’t was because I heard the faint sounds of her giggling as she darted from no where within 1 foot of my wheels, I almost had a nervous breakdown.
II don’t have kids, and I don’t want to KILL anyone else’s kids. And by the way this is against the law as is called neglect. My car represented immenit danger and the parents were by there in action putting the child at risk. Sorry in my eyes all of this is just plain child abuse.
I read a post on this website that some one was infuriated that the police sited them for letting there 10 year old child play in the street alone. That seems correct to me, they should be warned by the police. I know MANY, MANY, MANY parents who sit outside EVERYTIME with there kid in the yard while they play, and never allow them on the street. Those kids aren’t overprotected. They are loved and feel the love and support, plus they are kept safe.
I agree with you on a lot of your points. I do not feel that the child should be unsupervised, as I said young children are unobservant and unaware of their surrondings. I don’t think this site, or these beliefs are the problem. I think that this site sometimes gives lazy parents the excuses they want to be even lazier. But people will use any excuse they can find to do the things that they want.
In defense of Lenore, her children grew up in NYC and know their way around, with or without their parents. In many large cities it is commonplace for children to use public transportation alone to get to school. In fact when I was in Boston noticed that they have a special commuter pass for children. This is also true for Washington, D.C. which is nearby my home. I grew up on Long Island, and can tell you that NYC is NOT a scary place. My dad would tell you “if New York was dangerous, the rich people wouldn’t keep their money there” and the rich people do in fact keep A LOT of their money there! New York is wonderful, and cultural, and beautiful.
I think a lot of people miss the point, which is teaching children the skills they need to be independent, able bodied, productive adults. Sometimes that involves standing back and allowing children to fall down, or make mistakes. Sometimes, as is often necessary with small children it involves smaller steps: allowing a two or three yr old to walk next to you on the sidewalk without holding your hand, letting your four year old play in the yard while you do the dishes or fix dinner, with clear expectations and boundaries, and for goodness sake on a walk through the woods letting them run wherever they want! (you would not believe how many parents I have seen put three year olds in strollers to “hike” marked nature trails! and people wonder why there is an obesity epidemic?)
If children are never allowed to make mistakes they will never learn that there are unwelcome, and uncomfortable consequences of some actions. That is not to say that children should live in some sort of anarchist world where there are no rules or boundaries, just that sometimes allowing a child (with your full knowledge and understanding of all the possible outcomes and consequences) to push those boundaries a little just to see what happens is not a bad thing. and can quite possibly teach them something through trial & error and real life experience that they would not otherwise learn from all the talking and hovering supervision in the world.
I actually saw something cool in a parking lot the other day. A few skateboarders discovered a “safe island” in the middle surrounded by curb-height concrete barriers that no car could possibly traverse. There they were practicing their moves on a level, smooth, asphalt surface — safe! My heart sang.
In a way, all this is very similar to my point of view on walking the dog off-the-leash.
I have had 3 dogs so far, all of them learned to walk themselves off-the-leash on a major city, where trafficc is heay, noisy and dangerous. Yet, all of them learned to walk ‘within’ the safe boundaries of the sidewalk, coming when called and living their own life in-between (I corrected undesirable behaviour only).
You have to see some other dog owners’ faces when they see me at ease with the world when walking my dog… they are some what envious, surprised or – in other instances – outraged at my “philosphy” regarding the dog´s responsability.
I have accepted the challenge of teaching the dog to learn the rules and regulations to be able to enjoy a “free”-er life. I have also accepted the responsability to do so, as well as the fact that – caught in a tight spot – I could also suffer the pain of seeing a loved one run by a car (yes, I consider it as part of the family).
I will apply such “philosophy” with my 2 kids growing up, being thankfull that kids are cosiderably smarter than any other dog. I want them to experience life. THEIR OWN life.
I have had mine, let them have theirs. Just steer them in the right direction, make them responsible for their actions, let them see that their choices take them to diferent paths, let them see life for themselves. I am sure they will surprise us. Gladly surprise us.
I totally agree with this FREE RANGING PHILOSOPHY.
Cheers to all from Bcn, Spain.
I agree with the free range concept but lately I am feeling a little nervous… I don’t want to let my fears limit my child, but I do want to be responsible in keeping her safe. I really appreciate the fact that I live in a pedestrian friendly neighborhood, here in Germany. I let my seven-year-old walk to the grocery, bakery, sports club etc. She has about a 20 min. walk to school. Often I escort her the first half of the way to school, where she then meets a friend and they walk together. The problem is, last week after I walked with my daughter and then turned to come back home I saw a man hiding in the bushes along the path. The man defiantly did not belong there and I came straight home and reported him to the police. I am happy to say, the police have taken it seriously and have patrolled the area. But, I don’t think I will ever feel secure letting her walk through this park on her own. Since the sighting I have been walking to meet her every afternoon. Am I being unreasonable or just taking necessary precautions?
Meredith, wow. Sorry to hear about this. I think the key in this situation is communication with your kid. Tell her exactly what you saw and what you did about it. Then ask her if she’d like you to continue meeting her every day. My guess is she’ll say yes, and there’s your answer: You’re protecting her but empowering her at the same time. She’ll gain confidence knowing Mom is looking out for her, and allowing her to be part of the problem-solving. Good luck to you!
When I was a kid I had to get myself up in the morning because my school started about two hours after my parents left for work and an hour after my siblings had to get to school. As the youngest of three with NO freedom or privacy when anyone else was around, I absolutely relished the time alone to relax without some commenting on or questioning what I was doing (which is what happened the rest of the time at my house – you couldn’t pee without permission). Privacy for a kid is important. They aren’t hiding cocaine – they just need breathing room so they don’t go insane.
Kids need to learn how to handle risky situations and they need to start learning it when they are young. That is what turns them into adults. My son takes early evening classes downtown and sometimes takes a bus there and back. In summer it is still daylight when he comes home but in winter it is dark before he heads out. He recently was waiting for the bus home in semidarkness when a man with obvious mental health issues apparently combined with substance abuse approached him. As there were very few people around, my son decided to walk to a nearby service station, asked to use the phone to call home for someone to pick him up and waited inside. I didn’t need to walk him through the precise situation because we had discussed options for possible scenarios years before, without any immediate threat. So he knew how to put together a plan to exit the scene. He doesn’t think a cell phone would make him any safer and I don’t either. He did have an adrenalin rush from it, and I think that may have been a good thing. He recognized that there was a possible threat and handled it on his own. That is empowering. Dealing with risk is seen as something adults do. If kids can’t learn how to deal with normal everyday risk, they seek out other risk, simply so they can test themselves. I’d rather teach my kid how to handle a sharp knife responsibly at 6 than have some meth-head teach him responsible drug abuse at 16.
I also think kids need to be allowed to make mistakes when they are very young. Mistakes with consequenses that provide a learning opportunity. They need to have small accidents early, deal with the results and see how they could have been avoided so they can learn how not to have enormous accidents later that land them in the morgue.
Karen, I find your hypothesis very interesting that kids who are cushioned from risk seek it out on their own in inappropriate (dare I say risky?) ways. Reminds me of a theory I once read that kids who co-sleep feel less need later to seek out “sleeping partners”. Anyway, while I applaud you and your son, I can’t see where a cell phone would hurt in this or any other scenario. He could still have walked to the gas station and had you pick him up there. A cell phone has ceased to be a luxury toy and is basically the new wristwatch: Everyone over the age of nine is expected to have one, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. Technology is not evil.
Karen, I think cell phones are bad for kids when parents use them as e-leashes, effectively expanding their range of control. But they are such a great thing for parents and teens in so many other ways. Texting is, as we can all see, the perfect way to communicate with your teen. It’s unobtrusive and practically their second language. Parents have probably been frustrated since the dawn of time by their teens’ impulsivity and changing plans, and cell phones really let them be able to go with the flow and keep their parents informed of major shifts in plans. And, on the rare occasions when your kid actually wants your help, it’s so great to be able to give it.
We are a freerange family as is most of our town. Around here it’s more of raising kids the “old fashioned way”. Our 5 kids have grown up playing outside, riding bikes, running around town and come home when the 6 o’clock whistle blows. Our eldest daughter will be going off to college and there are no fears. Another one of our daughters who is 13 and during the summer for 2 weeks will work on giant steam engines which are basically time bombs, she welds and re-wires electical cords. Our children are smart and strong. They know how to watch their surroundings and use common sence.
Listen to Charlotte, the 14 year old. She is young enough to remember being a young child, old enough to want and appreciate, and be able to handle, more activities without parents. She is correct about appropriateness of freedom for place and age. A large piece of country property is less a place where strangers can hurt or abduct your child. The 8 year old boy in New York who was gruesomely murdered should stand as an example of why we as adults need to evaluate when, where, and how, to give our children free rein. Ms. Dugard is another example. There are many ways to promote your child’s independence and freedom, and it’s not crazy to be cautious.
I just found this page, how enlightening! I remember the story that started it but was not aware of the blog.
I have 3 children, all boys. They are almost 15, 9 and 3. My 15 year old is not driving yet, but will be soon. Once he starts, he’ll have his first cell phone. We live in a rural area, and live 3 miles outside of “town” which has a population of 3000. He is extremely busy in activities and I want to make sure that he can call someone if he needs assistance.
My kids are free-range kids. We live in the woods in northeast MN. My son has 2 guns of his own, and he hunts. He has been riding his bike 3-4 miles on the highway into town to hang out with friends, get a DQ Blizzard, or what have you.
My 9 year old takes a backpack into the woods and spends a day setting up his own camp. He plays Nerf wars in the woods with his friends. We even have bears here. Shockingly even children can be taught how to be safe around wild animals.
My 3 year old is a type 1 diabetic. He knows how to use his equipment and how to look for carbs in his food. He plays in our yard and goes to the neighbors (who is my grandmother) on his own. I keep an eye on him, but he does great with the boundaries that are in place.
Kids need boundaries, not heavy-handed control. They need to broaden their horizons knowing they can do it with love and confidence from their parents. It is what develops confidence and capability in children. We live in a village with 170 people in it, and we have a small park. There are parents with kids who are 10+ who do not allow their children to go to the park without an adult. What is that teaching that kid? That they can’t do anything, including swing on monkey bars without an adult until they are also ready to drive? No wonder teenagers have trouble getting jobs and applying to college. They can’t even play at a park without a parent!
I do not allow my children to go out side alone, We have sick perverts all over the place and God intrusted me with my wonderful children and if he chooses to take them back I will somehow live with that but I will NOT help so sleezy bastard to steel my daughter, rape her and kill her, thats on me if that happens, my son has autism he can’t go out alone or he will wonder off. I think you do what you think is right as a parent, we go to all kinds of outside activities and as long as she has a friend and her phone I allow her to go off but she has to check in and they have to stay together.
Lenore, don’t beat yourself up for letting your son drive around alone in New York!!!! We live in a small town right next to Berlin, Germany, and we let our daughter drive to school ALONE with train AND bus AND back home in third and fourth grades. That made her 8 and 9 years old at the time. It looked like this: at 6:45 am walk 7 minutes to train station (I’d bring her when it rained), take train at 7:04 for 2 stations, transfer in a very busy (rush hour) station onto a public bus at 7:15 that brought her to the school. She was in school by 7:30.
Am I a bad mother? Maybe! I don’t believe in right or wrong. All I know though is that she has grown mentally, matured so extremely and has gained about 50% more self-confidence through this experience. She’s 10 now, goes to another school, around the corner of our house, and says she misses the whole driving alone thing. And I would never have let her do that (I’m a Canadian mom who was/is still pretty protective) but she begged us for it. And I must say, I trusted her and still do, she was very responsible the whole time. Neighbors who took the train at the same time told me they were amazed at how self-confident and responsible she was. But we also got other kinds of reactions, like from my parents-in-law or other parents from school who thought that was totally irresponsible. Lenore, there’s still tons more to say about this experience, if you’re interested, contact me! 🙂
Yours
Angie
Imagine my surprise as I looked out the second story window only to see my 10 year old son walking into our driveway with a police officer’s car creeping along with him! You see my son was “outside”, “alone”, “without shoes” and this was apparently alarming to law enforcement. …. Actually, he was outside, without shoes, waiting for his friend to arrive, and in his great anticipation, had decided to walk a few houses up the street. (How terribly child like of him!) The officer asked him “WHY ARE YOU OUT ALONE WITHOUT YOUR SHOES?” And my son (quite nervous and experiencing an anxiety induced brain freeze) said, “uhmm, I don’t know”. The officer took note of his name and address and drove away after he was safely inside. I am left to wonder if there’s a file at the police station with my child’s name on it with a note about the boy who was “outside”, “alone”, “without shoes”.
This year has been a year of fantastic liberation taken a great leap of faith and allowed our first born to roam and ride his bike alone and with friends. He also has the free will to decide if he wants to wear shoes or a coat (unless we’re going to a public place or it’s 20 degrees 🙂 Since adopting a “free range” parenting style I have noticed that others view this style of as somehow neglectful and or dangerous. Interestingly, I have seen a dramatic change in my child’s well being since he’s been “let off leash”. He’s lost weight, he noticeably smiles and laughs more and has had many wonderful experiences to brag about (Like catching a giant catfish at a pond down the street (alone) and carrying it through town with it’s tail flapping around half hanging out of a lemonade container and then summoning the help of a “stranger” to get the hook out.) He has stories to tell because he is LIVING and I am so happy to give him one ounce of the joy I was allowed as a child.
Recently, as dusk became dark and he was not yet home, I wondered if I had made a mistake. Where was my boy?! My heart began to race as I thought of every horrible thing that might have happened to him. I jumped in the car and as I started down the street I saw the outline of his human shape chugging up the hill to our house. He made it, in one piece, with rosy cheeks and the smell of childhood all over him. Free Range is the only way to go! There is risk in everything. Freedom is a risk I am willing to take. Thank you Lenore~ you have changed our lives!
It’s great that something that is so clearly good for a child’s well-being and competency is also very good for parents. Stupid fights with your kids practically disappear, you have more time to actually do something you want to do for your life, and it’s much less stressful. The hard way is often not the right way.
“Interestingly, I have seen a dramatic change in my child’s well being since he’s been “let off leash”. He’s lost weight, he noticeably smiles and laughs more and has had many wonderful experiences to brag about . He has stories to tell because he is LIVING and I am so happy to give him one ounce of the joy I was allowed as a child.”
“”Live free or die”
Late to the party, I just found your blog, and I’m happy to see that there are so many other parents out there who let their kids (gasp) out of the house unsupervised.
Sometimes I’m afraid to mention the fact that my 12 year old frequently babysits my 7 year old for fear of other parents judging, or far worse, calling child protective services.
I also rarely have any idea when my kids have tests or projects due at school. It is up to them to be responsible for their schoolwork, and they know that if I see a bad grade come home, they will no longer be able to watch tv or play computer games.
I use every opportunity to teach them how to stay safe, how to deal with other kids, how to deal with adults, basically how to use their brains to make smart decisions. If they don’t learn this stuff while they are growing up, how will they know how to do it when they are sent off into the real world?
However, I don’t think I’m quite as free range as my own parents were. I frequently joke that I barely made it out of childhood alive, but it’s actually a fairly accurate statement. I had 2 accidents – 1 major where I smashed up my arm and spent weeks in the hospital. Another where I roller-skated into oncoming traffic down a hill and lost control, but luckily I only ended up with a concussion. While growing up, a child in my neighborhood was hit by a car and died. At age 12, my best friend was raped, not by a stranger off the street, but by a 14 year old “boyfriend.”
So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m well aware of the dangers out there. I’m just not convinced that locking kids up in the house under constant supervision is any kind of way for them to grow up.
Today someone in a Facebook group of mine posted about how she won’t let her eight year old daughter play alone in the front yard due to fear of her being kidnapped. Another posted how she had to be put on anti anxiety meds due to laying in bed at night fearful at every noise that someone was coming to take her kids. These are wonderful ladies, truly, but Is this really the types of parents that are the majority right now? I just hint at the world not being that horrible and evil and I get jumped all over. God forbid anyone actually believe kids shouldn’t be raised to be fearful and paranoid that every person or noise is out to harm them! One of them actually said “I think we can still allow our children to get out and play but boundaries must be set that we didn’t used to have to have.” But Why?! My kids are still very young, both still under 2 years old, but I have been a reader of your website for quite some time. I refuse to raise my kids to be incapable of doing things on their own or expecting me to hold their hand every step of the way. I see no reason why they can’t have just as free and fun of a childhood as I had. The mothers I know who live in fear each day and keep their older kids confined to their house and/or their line of sight at all times makes me incredibly sad and nauseous. Makes me wonder what kind of friends my kids will have when raised by parents who are too afraid to let them just be kids and actually learn and grow and get bumps and bruises on their own. I just hope I can make sure my kids grow up to be confident self reliant and safe WITHOUT needing mommy there 24/7. Cause I will not treat my kids like a toddler when they out grow that age! Thank you so much for this website!
@Cathy, I used to lie awake at night worrying about my first child when she was a baby, imagining all the horrible things that could happen to her, and it was later diagnosed as postnatal depression! I hope your friend is getting some good treatment beyond just anti-anxiety meds.
Free range is still alive and well in Germany. I wish that US helicopter parents could come here and realize that kids here are very free-range. They will see kids who are independent, street smart, and still safe. US parents will also see kids who can direct their own games without any adult intervention.
My son attends a school for 5th to 12th graders. Yesterday was the Day of Prayer and Repentance, which is a German (or at least Bavarian) school holiday. Some of the 11th graders at my son’s school organized a 4-on-4 indoor football (soccer) tournament for the 7th to 9th graders that was played yesterday in one of the school’s gyms. My son was on his 7th grade class team.
The 11th graders arranged with the director to have a school door unlocked so that the participants could come into the gym and locker rooms. They also wrote the parental consent/information form and ensured that it was distributed to all of the 7th, 8th and 9th grade classes. They bought prizes in advance and then figured out how much to charge each participant to recoup their money. Each child paid 3 euros, or about $4.20. The 11th graders also set up the brackets, explained the rules, and served as referees. In addition, they ran the award ceremony at the end of the tournament and gave out the prizes. Every participant got a small prize. The two 9th grade teams in the finals got an extra prize in addition to bragging rights.
The school director was present for a few minutes, then went into his office for the rest of the tournament. One of the math teachers popped in to say “hi” and kick the ball around for a few minutes during a break in the action. Then he went to the teachers’ lounge to correct papers. Those were the only adults who were present. I would imagine that parents could come to watch if they wanted to, but none of the kids’ parents did. It was a strictly “by kids for kids” activity. My son said that it was a lot of fun and wants to do it again next year.
Gap.runner, I also live in Germany and I would have to agree with you: kids seem to have a lot more independence here and it’s great. Just last week, my daughter walked downtown (probably a mile from her school) with her second grade class. Each group was given a shopping list and had to buy vegetables from the farmers market. Then they walked back and cut and cleaned the vegetables and made vegetable soup. Oh, and each kid had to take a knife to school to cut the veggies! Can you imagine that in an American school?
When I read the news report about the boy alone on the subway, I thought, “I would do that if I lived in a city.” I want my children to think for themselves. I was eccstatic to read that I am not the only “insane” person in the world. We have 2 sons (4 years old and a 17 months old).
Family, Friends, & Stranger-Acquaintances are shocked at some of the things I allow our children to do, Why are so many people SHOCKED and APPALLED that my 17 month old son can go up/down stairs by himself with out gates at each end? We spent time showing him how. Our 4 year old plays outside on his own. He checks in with us. We do not have to sit there within spitting distance. I think our biggest problems with kids is they do not have to think so THEREFORE they don’t…..
@Meredith, My son did the same thing when he was in second grade. Our open market is a 5-minute walk from my son’s former elementary school. The kids walked there with their teacher, and then were broken up into groups of 5. Each group had a shopping list and money. They not only had to buy the things on their lists, they also had to stay within their budget. After buying their vegetables, they met their teacher and all walked back to the school together. When they got back to class, they cleaned and cut the vegetables with sharp knives and made soup. A few weeks later the class did the same thing with fruit and made a nice fruit salad.
By the way, what part of Germany do you live in? As you can tell from my user name, I live in Garmisch-Partenkirchen.
This project would be an American helicopter parent’s worst nightmare. First of all, the kids were unsupervised once they got to the market. The teacher showed the class the designated meeting point. After that, they were on their own to buy their veggies or fruit. They were talking to strangers (the vendors at the market). The open market is a place filled with lots of strangers (vendors and customers), any one of whom could be a potential kidnapper or pervert. Never mind that the kids were in groups and not alone. Then when the kids got back to class, they worked with sharp knives, which we all know have high injury potential. A child can cut himself, or even amputate a finger, with a knife. As far as I remember, nobody from my son’s class was kidnapped or injured, but everyone enjoyed the soup and fruit salad.
@gap.runner, That’s right, at some American schools you would get in big trouble just for DRAWING a knife, let alone be asked to bring one to school! If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny.
We live in Schweinfurt (Ober-Franken) and love it. I love that kids here in Germany can actually walk places or take public transportation on their own. Most American kids in the suburbs are really dependent on being driven everywhere. The American infrastructure and distance between places is one of the reasons kids don’t have as much independence in the States.
I live in Germany and I found this blog through a magazine article, and I love it. I was raised quite free range, even if my parents would never called it that way. We lived next to a park which has a wall around, and of course we never used the official entrance but climbed over the wall to enter or walk on top of the wall. I learned to climb on it when I was four or five from the neighbours kids. To us it was normal to walk to school alone (OK, we only had to cross the park to reach our primary school) and attend music or sports courses alone. If I remember it right I even came home alone in the last year of kindergarten (which means at the age of five). So we could be and were outside together with other kids and we spent hole days outside during summer holidays.
Today I have to girls of 7 and 1 1/2, and I try to support them in there self reliance and independency. We moved a few weeks ago and before the next primary school was in five minutes reach, as was the day nursery and the music school. So when we were sure that she could manage to go everywhere safely, my elder daughter walked alone from here to there and at home. Now we really live to far away, so I have to bring her everywhere but it’s not what I really want to do.
Last weekend it was my elder daughters seventh birthday and we had booked an arrangement for kids in a museum. This museum can be reached very well by public transportation so we decided to tell the other parents to bring there kids to a more central subway station and we would walk the rest of the way together with the kids. And I caught myself worrying if the distance (about 1 km) could not be to far. I know my daughter can, because we have no car and use our bikes and public transportation and walk a lot, but I didn’t know about the other kids. But everything went fine and they were all happy to run together.
But my fear is that we see the beginning of overprotectiveness in Germany. We do know all these warning labels, too, mostly because of choking hazards and concerning children under three. But still parents dare to allow there kids to blow up balloons and use whistles. And most parents accept, that you can prevent your kids from everything and accidents are something that can happen. But I also had discussions about allowing my toddler to walk around with a handbag hanging around her neck, because she could fall and choke, even I never was further away than maybe 2 meters and could have helped her if necessary. (Of course it never was).
And we are sometimes regarded as unusual because we don’t have a car, but we never felt the need to have one, because we always had everything we needed in the direct neighbourhood. And my husband does have a driving license, but never rode a car after he passed the driving test. He is a passionate biker and is riding to work by bike (one way distance 14 km), also in winter. Sometimes we book a car at a car sharing company and then I’m the driver. So there was no possibility at all to drive our kids around in the car. But what is really weird is that many parents drive their kids to school, because they regard the traffic as too dangerous. So they themselves produce the danger, they are afraid of – and virtually endanger other kids.
When I think it over, most of the parents I know are quite relaxed with their kids and I’m glad about it. We only had one former neighbour who always seemed to expect the next kidnapper around the next corner. I had several discussions with him, because allowed our elder daughter i.e. to go ahead on her bike to the park’s exit and to wait there until we get there too. I always said: “We told her what to do and we trust her, so it’s OK”. But he couldn’t really accept it. And a friend of mine would never allow here daughter to go to the playground alone because of the many child abusers around. I’m writing this ironically, of course to every family it is the absolute horror if your child is kidnapped and abused and maybe even killed, to me, too. But what I regard as a much more realistic danger is a traffic accident in which someone of my family is hurt or killed because someone was not watching for one second.
As a whole I think we do the right thing and I hope we are not belonging to the freak division of parents one day. My motto is:” We have to think our kids as capable and we have to trust them, then they will show us what we can expect of them.”
Ups, there is a “not” missing in the sentence about the museum, it could not be reached very well by public transportation.
Katrin, you reminded me about something I’d forgotten: When I was 7 (1967 — the good ‘ol days) my friend and I lived equidistant (one block) from the junior high, which had a roof that seven-year-olds could get on with almost no effort. Then her mom found out we’d played up there and forbid her to. I was so disappointed! Of course we wanted nothing more than to play on that roof — it was huge! No punch line, just reminiscing…
I have been waging this battle with my ex since even when we were still together. My theory is simple: Moms need to be needed, and they therefore “micromanage” their children’s lives, interceding and intercepting and basically placing themselves square in the middle of every facet of their child or childrens’ lives. As a result, many children are not prepared for adulthood, which is why we have so many children raising children, and so many adult children sleeping on their parents’ couch.
On the matter of free range kids, I think we have the media to blame for scaring the bejeezus out of us all the time. We hear of distant atrocities nearly every day and, like any act of terrorism, it works to increase our personal angst. We start to believe, “That could happen to my kid.”
I’m not going to allow the possibility that my children will be hurt, lost, abducted or otherwise impacted by the “cruel” world to prevent me from allowing them to live it and, more importantly, prepare to live in it as adults. After all, I’m not raising kids, I’m raising adults.
As a child I did what I wanted and went where I wanted – My parents rarely knew where I was – 1/2 mile walk to and from the bus stop – I hung out in the sand pits (where there was actual quicksand in places, gasp) doing god know what – As I got older I would grab one of my dad’s guns and some ammo, walk down the street to the “pits” to shoot up cans, bottles or whatever – That turned into rabbit hunting (mmm, rabbit) which we would eat – Our school had a swing set that was on pavement! At least once a week some kid would go to the nurse with road rash because he tried something ridiculously daring – Our monkey bars looked like they were 4 stories tall – I also remember one time telling my mom that I was going to jump from the roof with an umbrella, she said “don’t ruin my umbrella” a few minutes later I had not only broken said umbrella, but my ankle too – Never tried that again – I have a son now and would never let him do any of these things – I wonder why? – I do trust him – I guess we have all been scared into being more mindful with our children – Maybe it’s not such a bad thing – I would be horrified if something happened when he was alone, also I would be suspect… – Times have changed, get over it.
More thoughts on Germany… I think it is a great place to raise free-range kids; however, German parents some hang-ups of their own. For example, many German parents are obsessed with keeping their kids warm. They really bundle them up as soon as the temperature drops and don’t give their kids any autonomy when it comes to taking off a hat or coat. Germans in general have a firm belief that they will get sick if they get cold, So, this is just another way that an unfounded and exaggerated fear drives parents to overprotect their kids.
I would be interested in hearing about cultural differences in parenting.
I was raised free-range and loved it! One point, though – it wasn’t cops or school administrators that brought on helicopter parenting – it was law suits. Free-range means children get injured and sometimes die. They are taken out of schools by molesters and non-custodial parents, and everyone gets blamed and sued. Your child walking barefoot was being monitored by you – but the policeman doesn’t know that. And if, god forbid, something happened to your boy and it came out that a cop had seen him and done nothing – would you sue?
Believe me, back in the 50s, I could leave school with a simple call from my mom. But someone somewhere got hurt and somebody sued.
Ain’t that the truth.
“Believe me, back in the 50s, I could leave school with a simple call from my mom. But someone somewhere got hurt and somebody sued.”
Oh, I agree with the litigation issue; my book, “An Elephant In The Living Room – Is it Too Late To ‘Kill All The Lawyers’?” details my years of legal practice and how it has injured the American Way of Life.
But I still think the greatest degree of trepidation in parents comes from a media that has an insatiable desire for the worst stories; that thrusts them down our throats until we are just plain scared to death to even leave the house ourselves, let alone let our kids leave.
Fantastic web site. Lots of helpful info here. I’m sending it to some pals ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thank you for your effort!
I never thought of myself as being a parent to Free-Range kids…but after reading some of the posts in here I guess I am. I always just thought that the way I was raising my kids was “normal”.
My Now 18 year old daughter and 17 year old son have never been in any legal trouble. Although, they have been brought home a few times by our local patrolman – cause he felt they had too far far to walk…i say if they walked there-they can walk back! or cause he felt it was “just too dark for them to be out”…REALLY? or for some other such nonsense.
Neither of them drinks alcohol, or does drugs. They don’t sit around and watch TV or play video games excessively. They both hold down jobs, volunteer in the community, go to church. They go help there Grandparents with yard-work & maintenance without being asked. They always kept there grades up (for the most part). My daughter doesn’t live with me anymore – she has her own place. But she comes every Sunday for Family Dinner. She got her first cellphone when she turned 18. I bought the phone and she paid for two months service with her Birthday money, my Son still doesn’t have (or need) one.
Growing up they have always had bikes and trikes and scooters and skateboards and skates…and when they had free time they were always outside having fun on them. We recently moved to the edge of a Lake/Creek system – right on the water. My son now has fishing gear, cast nets, bait pails and his favorite thing…a wood canoe with a double end paddle! Recently he got brought home by a Game Warden – cause “he really shouldn’t be out on the water unsupervised.” I received a Warning Citation – that time. The next day he was right back out there…it’s not like his canoe has a motor! Now some of you are probably thinking ‘oh my Gosh…he could drown!’ Well let me tell you – I taught my son to swim when he was Three – No floaties or nuthin’ – He plays water polo 5 days a week! He can tread water without using his hands for 45 min while holding 10 pounds above his head. If his boat sinks or he falls in the water – he can SWIM home!
In ten months my Son will be 18 – because of the way he and his sister have been raised – I don’t worry about them! They are healthy, well-adjusted, intelligent human beings. God Bless Free-Range Kids!
@Meredith, Your experience with German parents being obsessed with keeping their babies warm is so true. They’re that way, even in the summer. I took a fairly long maternity leave after my son was born. One summer day, when my son was about 3 or 4 months old, I went by my office to touch base with my co-workers and brought him with me. The temperature was about 30 C (86 F) and humid. My son was dressed lightly and (horror of horrors!) barefoot. His being barefoot was an even bigger sin than not having a blanket or fleece-lined cover over him. All of my co-workers commented on my son being barefoot and said that he needed socks to keep his feet warm and prevent him from catching a cold. It’s a bit funny now because my son is always barefoot around the house, and even outside (except in winter). The first thing he does when he gets home from school is take off his shoes and socks.
On another note, my son and a couple of his German friends went trick-or-treating on base. My husband dropped them off and told them to call when they were ready to come home. When my son talked to my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) a few nights later, she was amazed that he went trick-or-treating without adult supervision. My son replied, “I’m not a baby!” By the way, my son is 12 and the two friends he went with are 13 and 14.
It’s interesting to read about the german parents being so anxious about colds, I don’t think I’m like that. What is really annoying me here in germany are the endless discussions about whether to breastfeed or not and if yes for how long. And even worse are the discussions about vaccinations, I don’t know how often I had to discuss this. And It’s not enough to say “I’ve made my decision and that’s fine for me”, no, everyone has to be persuaded to do the same.
And there are many many discussions about our educational system, because there is a widespread fear of unemployment, so parents make heavy demands already to kindergartens. And many parents are very unwilling to send their kids to school with a high share of children with foreign background. Interestingly, the parents being mostly dedicated in this discussions are those who can offer their kids the best chances anyway.
I want to tear my hair out when I hear about all the “psychos” out there! I commented on Facebook this morning about all the parents dropping their kids off and how we could solve childhood obesity and reduce emissions if the kids within the walk zone actually walked. I got a response from a friend in Phoenix who said it was safe to do that when she was a kid, but it’s not safe now. She then told me about a “psycho” who took off a screen and climbed in an apartment and molested a 4 year old. So far the story says the family didn’t know the person, but it may turn out they did. Another friend asked if “after reading that story, do you still want to move back to Phoenix?” I’m sorry for that family, but I can’t and won’t live in fear of “what if”. I guess my daughter will continue to walk to school by herself because all the people around us are too afraid to let their junior high kids walk because of the “weirdos”.
Leah, ten dollars says that story isn’t even true. Whose apartment, window, kid? Does anyone have names, or was it “my boss’s mother-in-law’s friend’s daughter”? I bet if you dig, it didn’t even happen.
I was 4 years old when I started Kindergarten in 1953. I attended Lutheran school 6 miles from our home and rode the city bus every day. My mother accompanied me the first day and waited for me for the return trip home. After that I was on my own.
The story was in the paper, and they did arrest someone. The parents said they didn’t know the person. That may change, you never know.
The cheerleading for free-range and letting children ride public transportation here strikes me as smug (nothing bad happened to me as a child, or nothing has happened to my child/ren thus far, proves it is OK). Sometimes this doesn’t turn out well. As a child I rode the city bus alone and was molested by a stranger. And never reported it to anyone, not even my parents. While there was no crime statistic, there was a crime. Surely this continues today. Was the rest of my “free range”-style childhood worth that price? No it was not.
Oh Hallelujah! It’s such a pleasure to come across this site. I am intent on raising a confident, self-reliant, problem-solving kid. My daughter is 11 now and is well on her way. She makes meals, she plays outside (sometimes barefoot, God forbid), she walks or rides her bike to friends houses and loves outdoor adventures (avid skier, camper, kayaker). Does she wear a helmet when she skies or rides her bike? Of course.
We are not reckless parents. We know where she is and what she’s doing. We have set up a clear set of ground rules and expectations for her. Her safety is our priority. But our priority is also her sense of independence and strength in the world. With our guidance she is learning to take care of herself and take risks at the same time.
I am sick to death of over-protective, pampering parents. Parents who feel the need to walk their 11 year olds into their classrooms to make sure they make it safely. I can’t tell you the number of kids I know who, instead of playing outside, watch TV or play video games because their parents think the outside world is dangerous. Really? Is that the better alternative?
Loved the article in WSJ.
I was free range kid, in fact before I picked up the WSJ, we discussed my odd upbringing over breakfast and I was informed my Mother would have been turned into CPS. I was a latch key w/o the latch. Probably we could have used day-care more, but as it was it worked out.They are probably right about CPS: then I said,”so I would have been turned over to foster care and grown up a criminal rather than a scientist.”
What my mother was guilty of was using judgement and experience rather than social guidelines. I think the spector of being called a “bad mom” looms large today in part because there really is a regulatory enforcement risk. She was robbed by baby sitters while I was more responsible than typical for my age. I did have problems occasionally, I grew up to become a chemist – so you can guess what risks that presented, and probably I could have had more supervision. What actually occurred is I learned. I read, cooked, played, and invented. Her best stroke of genius was anytime an appliance died I was allowed to disembowel it in the basement. I learned about gears, solenoids, motors, DC, AC, amps and got cuts and how to avoid a shock. I Iearned about the ills of cheap tools.
My mother was free to make an accessement of me, our limited resources, and our fairly safe environment and made a decision. She left me on my own often. I don’t think this would work for everyone. but I am glad she had the freedom and confidence to do that w/o the governments “help.”
The article mentioned balloons. My wife worked in ICU and balloons present a risk of which few are aware – so the regulation has under-appreciated some merit in this case. The question is: is a balloon regulation the best approach, or should we just accept risks and rely in informing parents about how ballons kill. Regulation removed the use of judgement, a most human capability.
I was raised with little supervision. I was the youngest of 4 and I’m pretty sure my parents were just too tired and “over it” to really do much more. I came and went freely during the summer while both parents worked. I spent little time at home and was always on my way to the next kickball game, sleepover or lesson (on my bike or feet). I actually wanted more supervision. I would have loved to have a babysitter in stead of being alone or with my siblings. By age 9 I stayed home alone if I was sick….I am completely different as a parent. I’m no helicopter parent but I am also no you. I taught my kids not to talk to strangers. I just recently began to let my 6th grader out of the house in the neighborhood for a quick run alone. I also think each child is different and while some kids can be left alone in the house confidently while I run an errand, others cannot. We as parents should also gauge the child’s comfort level. You seem to complain a lot in your blog but your ideas are at times interesting. I do not agree with you most of the time but I think it’s good to create conversation. Also, I cannot stand Woody Allen so it may be his photo that immediately gave me a sour taste. Ever since he married the daughter of his long time love I find him despicable. Perhaps I’m being to protective……
Last week there was a school social in my daughter’s school and I watched the children playing on the new playground. I found myself think about whether this: http://elternzweinull.blogspot.com/2011/11/ein-normaler-schulspielplatz-in.html would be possible in America. Have a look and leave a comment.
@Sonkir I’m very sorry for what happened to you. I wonder though, do you really think keeping kids from strangers will protect them? Kids are much much more likely to be abused and molested by those their parents know and trust. My parents were very protective of me. Very careful about who they let me be around. Never let me near strangers or go anywhere alone except my street. I was also molested, at church. Many many kids are and have been molested by church leaders. I also never told, never became an official statistic. Does that mean I believe all church officials are child molesters and that anyone who lets their kids be alone with any clergy are doing more harm to their kids by taking them to church, letting them go to youth group, etc? I’m not religious anymore, but if I were I certainly wouldn’t let what happened to me keep me from raising my kids to trust pastors…but regardless I plan to teach them to be cautious and tell me if anyone, regardless of who or where, ever touches them or makes them uncomfortable. I have come across many horrible hurtful people in my 25 years of life but I am well aware I can’t keep my kids safe by keeping them locked away from everybody else in the world. I very much hope they are never ever hurt the way i was, but I am also not going to project fear of the world onto them just because something bad happened to me. Kids can be free range and still be educated on how to be safe. The key is to not just have freedom and not just have kids who are educated on safety….but for kids to have both freedom and knowledge of safety and where to go for help if bad things happen. It’s our job as parents to make sure our kids are not stifled in their youth and treated like prisoners, but are equipped with the knowledge they need to live happily and safely in the world. It’s not a one or the other thing. Kids given freedom to explore the world are not any less safe than those who are hovered over at all times.
I was looking at different “mom sites” and came across this one.
http://www.mamapedia.com/article/would-you-let-your-6-dash-7-year-old-go-to-a-slumber-party
Some of the responses are amazing. I can’t believe that parents won’t let their 12-year-olds do sleepovers. My son started sleeping over at a friend’s house when he was 4 or 5. He spent a lot of time at that friend’s house (1-2 days/week on average), so he was familiar with the environment and the parents. The parents were also good friends of my husband and me. I’m afraid that my husband and I aren’t good helicopter parents. My son has done sleepovers at friends’ houses where I didn’t know the parents. In those cases I introduce myself to the parents when I drop him off and chat for a few minutes. Other times the host parents will invite the other parents to stay for an hour for coffee/tea and cake so that they will feel comfortable about leaving their kids.
German kindergartens (preschools) also do a sleepover for the kids who will be graduating (5-6-year-olds). The kids get dropped off in the evening and do special activities with their teachers and aides. Then they sleep in the school gym. In the morning the parents come and have breakfast with their kids. While the kids are sleeping, one of the teachers takes photos of them to give to the parents. When my son had his kindergarten sleepover, only one child ended up going home (due to illness and not homesickness).
@gaprunner:When my daughter was 2 1/2 we were invited to a party about 40 km away. It would have been to complicated to take her with us, so a friend of ours offered that she could stay with them for the night. We made a test sleepover about a week before the party. But I must admit we were quite nervous that evening and kept on checking the cell phone. And we stayed in the neighborhood, so we could have picked her up if necessary. But everything went fine and we went to the party one week later and our daughter stayed with our friend again, and everything went fine again.
When she started kindergarten, they also did sleepovers there – and there was one mother who told me her son had never slept anywhere else but at home (he was in his last year, so he was five or six years then) and she couldn’t believe it when I replied that my daughter had her first sleepover at 2 1/2.
Katrin & Gap, US ex-pat weighing in here. When we visited our folks in the States my friend from my hometown invited our three-year-old to sleep over so we could go to a performance with my folks. My three-year-old wasn’t even fluent in English but she was keen on the adventure. Both she and my friend had a delightful time. When she was seven, she took a bus with her sister to sleep over at a friend’s in Ahskelon, at the other side of the Negev. Also went fine. Yea for sleepovers!
I remember my parents telling me about hearing Lenore’s interview on NPR a while back, and I cheered. It just sounded like such common sense! As a kid, my brother and I used to just hop on our bikes and head out – we could be gone for hours. Sometimes we didn’t even know where we were heading when we started out, we just went where the road took us, alone or together or with friends. I would not give up those lazy afternoons of riding around, going to the park or walking around a nearby lake or climbing the sand hills out back of the baseball field or goofing around in the woods for anything. Heck, our parents made a point of showing us which stores were close enough to walk or ride to, and actively encouraging us to take ourselves – and when our small town finally got a bus system, oh boy! I remember the first time my best friend and I made plans to take buses down to the shopping center, go shopping together, and watch a movie before making our way back home. No big deal, but at nine years old? We felt like we were on top of the world. To this day, the crappy food served at the Kmart cafe still tastes kinda good, because it reminds me of the heady freedom of that day.
And now… and now my husband and I are expecting our first child, and I’m starting to feel unexpected sympathy with helicopter parents. I get where they’re coming from. This tiny alien-baby inside me isn’t any bigger than a bean yet, and already the thought of letting it out of my sight, letting it wander off into the big bad world where anything could happen, terrifies me. I know the statistics, I know how exaggerated the dangers are, but I can’t shake the thought…. what if? What if, god forbid, my child was the one-in-a-million? Could I ever forgive myself for not being there and letting them take that risk?
Probably not. But on the other hand… I’m also not sure I could ever forgive myself if I denied my child the very things that I remember the most fondly from my own childhood. I want my child to have the freedom to BE a child – which, ironically, also means the ability to grow up. I love my parents dearly, and I love now and loved then spending time with them… but we needed time away from them. Away from any supervising eyes. I have no doubt that my kid will need the same, and denying them that would just be cruel.
So… here I am, subscribed to this blog, ready to do this thing. Ready to learn how to raise a free-range kid (is there even such a thing as a free-range baby?) without driving myself up a wall with worry.
Kristycat, your story made me smile the whole way through! But, don’t worry about being unable to let your kid stretch her wings. Right now, you want and need to protect your baby, and that will continue for a long time. But then he will turn 3, then 4, and he’ll be pulling away from you on his own (and having a very hard time with it) while driving you up the wall. And before you know it she’ll be seven and ready to expand her horizons, and your memories of a happy childhood will make it easier to let her experience some freedom.
No one has an easy time letting their kid venture out without our protection. But just as they only want to test a little at a time, we can be just ready enough to give them more slack. It works out, you’ll see.
Enjoy your new motherhood experience! Don’t worry about all of this right now – you’ll have plenty of time to think about it when it is an issue facing you in real life.
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Oh good gods, PEOPLE! You grew up ‘free-range’, didn’t you? You turned out mostly fine, didn’t you? If you take away every opportunity for a child to grow and develop and learn, you end up with a child who never leaves home. You end up with your 45 yr old kid still living in the basement because they’re scared of the world. Is that what you want? Over-protect is to deny and destroy what makes the human animal so weird and fun. You take away the chance to learn!
I am so totally for the free-range. I grew up in a middle-class town in middle-class America, I had things happen that I had to learn from due to bad choices I made, but I learned them. I was all over the county I grew up in once I got a bike (and no helmet or pads either **le gasp!**) and I was HAPPY. Despite everything that did go wrong or could have gone so much worse, I grew up happy!
Call me a bad parent when I have one of my own, and I’ll make sure my kid whoops your kid’s butt…
I completely agree with the Free Range Approach and was so excited to find this blog to follow. I don’t think I realized that we give our 7 year old daughter more independence than other parents until recently.
Here is one example. We live on a corner of two quiet suburban streets, and we have a large front yard without a fence. It is a nice flat yard with a big shady tree. We often let our 7 year old daughter play out there alone, and we have taught her not to follow a ball that goes into the street and to look both ways before crossing the street. We allow her to cross the street, by herself, to visit our neighbors’ dog. We also sometimes (gasp!) let our almost 3 year old play out there with our 7 year old for a few minutes without a grown-up. We know that our 7 year old watches out for her little sister and that (even better) our almost 3 year old listens to her big sister. Generally, I am within hearing range of them, either preparing something in the kitchen or working on my laptop in a room that overlooks the yard.
A few weeks ago, our 7 year old had a friend over for a play date (I hate that term). The girls wanted to play outside, so I let them play out there alone for awhile while I fixed a snack. They did cartwheels, played catch, used sidewalk chalk on the driveway, blew bubbles, went across the street to visit the puppy, etc. They had a grand old time.
The next time her friend came over, her mom pulled me aside to say: “I know that the girls like to play outside, but I would really prefer that they not be outside without an adult watching them. Something could happen when you’re not looking. They could run into the street and get hit by a car, or one of them could fall and hurt herself while she does a cartwheel…or a stranger might stop by to talk to them. So, I’d appreciate it if you stayed outside. I’ve also told [my daughter] that she should make sure you stay outside with them.” Oh gee, thanks for that.
Later, my daughter said to me, “Why is [friend]’s mom worried about us playing outside? It’s not like we don’t know what we should and shouldn’t do out here. We know how to be careful.”
I have also been known to leave my daughter sitting at a table in a busy food court at the mall while I go to purchase lunch, so that I can avoid carrying 80 million packages and a tray. And I have asked her to go into the library by herself to return a book so that I don’t have to take a sleeping 2 year old out of a car seat. She does just fine!
Forgot to add that, when our 7 year old gets older, we will allow her even more freedom and responsibility. I fully intend for her to be walking herself to and from school when she is in 3rd grade, and walking downtown to the candy store or Starbucks when she’s a little older.
I thought I was the only one!!!!!
Who knew there were other moms refusing to let fear rule their lives!!
Now I’m off to get my toddler twins out of the car where they are finishing their bottles, watching Thomas the Train, alone, sitting facing forward in their car seats and WEARING PUFFY COATS TO BOOT!
They need their naps—–in cribs WITH BUMPERS!!!!!!!
I won’t leave my real name so I can’t be reported to DSS.
Hugs,
Ann
I don’t have kids, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t witnessed, and been subjected to, whiny, wimpy, overprotected kids who couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag even if you wetted it down for them first. And don’t even get me started on the parents who think their kids belong EVERYWHERE, just because they can’t be parted from their darlings for ten minutes. Hoy Hell. H-O-L-Y H-E-L-L.
I applaud you for raising your kids to be self-sufficient. It seems to me that a vast majority of today’s parents have forgotten that THAT IS THE JOB THEY SIGNED UP FOR.
I enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work!
You know, I just ran across this blog after reading about the young man who rode the subway alone in NYC and came home safe and sound. I have to say this—as a kid of the 80s and early 90s who grew up in a tough neighborhood in the middle of gang-territory and who was responsible for a younger brother at around age 10—kids HAVE TO LEARN how to be self-reliant. How can we expect children to sharpen their wits, and be vigilant if they are never permitted to practice? Now I’m not saying that kids should be left alone for weeks at a time (that would constitute neglect) but we have too many babyfied youngsters with NO street smarts and NO idea of how the world works. I rode the bus alone, was a latch-key kid, made sure my brother did his homework, walked to the store ALONE, visited the library ALONE, and walked to school and came out scot-free. Not to say that my mother was neglectful, but she was a divorced mom, she worked, and point-blank, she depended on me to be responsible and dependable. She raised me that way. I didn’t have a cell phone, I had a quarter to make a call from a pay phone. I knew that if I was being followed in a car to run to the nearest house in the opposite direction. Someone tries to harrass you, scream “fire” at the top of your lungs and run. Don’t get me wrong, there are bad people in the world who want to do bad things to kids (Sandusky), but there have ALWAYS been bad people who want to do bad things! That hasn’t changed, and it won’t change! If you want self-reliant adults, raise self-reliant kids. If you want 32-year olds living in your basement and waiting for you to pay their cell phone bills each month, be a helicopter parent. Keep up the good work on your blog!
Daghain, I feel I need to comment on a peice of your post.
“And don’t even get me started on the parents who think their kids belong EVERYWHERE”
I do actually bring my kids a lot of places with me. Wine tastings, the theater, museums, fancy restaurants, etc. Not because I feel that I cannot or do not wish to be seperated from them, but because just as children need to learn to be self sufficient & independent, they also need to learn that sometimes you are bored, sometimes you have to sit still and be quiet, sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do, and sometimes you have to do what someone else wants to do without complaining and making a scene. If you have experienced an event where a child was brought and not expected to follow the rules of that particular event it is an example of poor parenting, not of the fact that the child does not “belong” there. If children are not exposed to places where they have to control themselves they will never learn that there are times and places you need to control yourself.
While I agree that a small child has no business in a club or bar, there is absolutely no reason I should not bring my children to wine tastings, restaurants, planes, or anything else of the same nature.
Sorry for the soap box but I really feel as though some people fail to see that as parents we need to teach our children about EVERYTHING, and not just the things they are comfortable with.
You actually make it seem really easy together with your presentation but I in finding this topic to be actually one thing that I feel I would never understand. It sort of feels too complex and extremely large for me. I am taking a look forward on your subsequent submit, I’ll try to get the hold of it!
Here is a quote I received in my morning memo at the school I work at.
“Don’t prepare the path for the child, prepare the child for the path”
Very true if you want a child to go out into the world without fear. And to be able to face anything.
Yesterday I was thinking of free-range kids. Our town is rather small there really isnt anyone that you dont know. I was thinking of our school and how things are done there. Afterschool there are some parents that do pick up thier kids but they usually wait in the car or stand outside and wait. There is no back up of cars eager to get to the front doors. I thought some more. The kids of all ages walk home no big deal. The only time parents are required to come and get kids is when there are high winds of 65mph. (because let me tell you small children can blow away) or when there is a dirt storm or blizzard set in. Other wise the kids are on thier own. THey happily rush out the doors.
If people would refer to statistics instead of anecdotes, they would see that children today are about as safe as they were 50 years ago. It is only increased reporting that makes headlines of the very, very few child abductions that makes everyone afraid. Non-custodial child abductions are extremely rare.
I love this blog and wish more parents would read it! I personally feel that parenting is all about turning your children into independent, moral adults and doing that by teaching them to make their own decisions at age appropriate times, with caution, not fear. We can do that and expect them to make mistakes at a time when we can acknowledge and accept some failure and celebrate their successes.
My daughter, who is now 23, was about 13 when she asked if she and a friend could walk to the mall on a Saturday afternoon (about 1/4 mile from our home in a nice area). I was a little skeptical at first, but it was around 1 in the afternoon and I agreed as long as they were home by 4. She didn’t have a cell phone, but was armed with some pocket money, a watch and of course, knew our home number and my cell number.
It was getting to be close to 4 and they hadn’t gotten home yet. Then 4 came and went. Momma was starting to get concerned and then got the oddest phone call. A lady I didn’t know called to say that the girls were safe at her home and they would be home in a few minutes to explain. Suddenly, they both came busting in the back door and were short of breath. The story was this…
They had left the mall to walk home a little after 3:30. As they approached the back side of the mall parking lot, a man in a car stopped and offered them a ride. They said,”Thank you, but no.”
He said,”Are you sure?”
She replied, “No, thank you.”
Then the man drove off. My daughter then noticed the car again. She thought that the man in the car was following them and the two decided to walk a little faster. Our street was 3 streets down, so on the first street they came to, they detoured and went a few houses down to one that had a couple of cars in the driveway. They went around to the back door and knocked and the lady of the house let them in after they explained what was going on.
The kind lady called the police and gave the description and license plate number of the car…that my daughter had given her. After the police drove by, she then let the girls leave. When I asked my daughter why she went to a stranger’s home, her answered surprised me: “We didn’t want that man to know where our home was so I pulled out my keys, acted like we lived there and went to the back door.”
Of course I had always cautioned the kids on some of the dangers out there, but when confronted with that situation, she wasn’t paralyzed by FEAR…she was CAUTIOUS, thought on her feet and made good decisions. With enough foresight to get a description, remember a license plate number and not lead a stranger back to our home. And, she was extremely proud that she had made the right decisions and had gotten her and her friend home safe. As she said when I asked her if she was scared, “Mom, it spooked me a little bit, but I knew what to do.” Isn’t that what we want??
I have no problem with the idea of the Free-Range Child. Go for it. But just because I decide to not follow through doesn’t mean I’m overbearing, hovering, selfish, etc. I would never think to put someone down for allowing their child to walk down the street to the neighborhood playground alone, but yet if I was to voice my opinion, which is that I would not allow my 8 year old to go somewhere unsupervised that I deemed inappropriate then I am instantly assumed to be a psychotic, overprotective lunatic who is ruining my child’s life. NEGATIVE. Things don’t have to be so black and white. My daughter is independent, curious, friendly, intelligent, funny and well-rounded. She has tons of friends, she excels in school, and is one of the most popular girls on her dance team. She has sleepovers and goes to numerous sleepovers, birthday parties, school events, etc. She knows how to handle an emergency situation. But no, I would not let her walk to the library by herself at this age. No, I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to ride her bike to the playground solo. This is my decision, and yes it’s for her safety. Better safe than sorry. I’m sure the parents of Jorelys Rivera or Jaycee Duggard wish that they could take that second of a moment back. And please don’t spout off statistics about how most abductions/abuse come at the hands of non-strangers. Trust me, I should know…I was sexually abused by my step-brother at a young age. I know the likelihood of her being abducted/abused by a scary, candy-giving, van-driving man lurking in the shadows is HIGHLY unlikely, but that still doesn’t mean I’m not going to do everything I can as a parent to protect her well-being. I’ve taught her that most people in the world are good, caring, and decent people and also that some people that perhaps we know could turn out to be bad. Either way, she knows that it’s okay to talk to people, but just don’t get in the car with someone we don’t know. She knows that if something doesn’t feel right all she has to do it pick up the phone and call me, or find another adult and ask for help. So, yes I am a non-free range child raiser, and she’s going to be just fine.
Angela, if you’ve experienced criticism for the choices you’ve made regarding her freedom, you must live in an unusually free-wheeling place.
Sometimes truisms are so oft-repeated that we don’t stop to question their validity. “Better safe than sorry” is one of those phrases that can stop a dialogue cold. I think there are instances where it is a wise attitude, but there are plenty where it is not. Sometimes safe *is* sorry – one doesn’t have to think too hard to come up with some instances where caution caused unhappiness or loss of opportunity.
I’m 24 with no kids, live in Finland, and I grew up pretty free-range. When I was 5 we moved from a flat in Helsinki to the suburbs, a 40-flat terraced housing complex. The complex had three playgrounds with (gasp!) gravel on the ground and wooden equipment such as swings, monkey-bars, slides and see-saws. One of the slides was just a sheet of rough plywood at an angle, so if you used it you ended up with umpteen splinters in your legs and rear end. Oh, and sandboxes, which always had little surprises like (gasp!) cat faeces. There were also large grassy areas and several trees, one of which was perfect for climbing and located between our flat (at the end of the house) and the car park. Needless to say, I did a lot of tree-climbing as a kid. (They cut off the lowest branches of that tree when I was 7 or 8, but that was because the tree was 20 or 30 years old and I think my dad had complained about one of the branches hitting his car, which was parked next to it.)
There was a park just across the road, complete with playground equipment. The road was pretty dead during the day (maybe 20 cars in one hour) but a nightmare to try and cross at rush hour.
My mum didn’t let my younger brother and me cross that road unsupervised, but we did have free reign over the housing complex grounds. I don’t remember anybody’s mother keeping an eye on my brother, me, or the other, younger kids in the complex, unless they were doing it out of their kitchen window.
When I started preschool at age 6* Mum walked me across the main road and then left me to make my own way to preschool, a few hundred metres away and through the aforementioned park. In the afternoon I made my way back the road, where Mum was waiting for me to help me cross (since it was now rush hour).
Had I gone to the local primary school I’d probably have been a latchkey kid like my best friend from age 10 to 11. Instead, since I went to an English-speaking school about 10 kilometres away which wasn’t close to a convenient bus route, I went to the nearby English-speaking kindy until Dad got off work. At this stage my brother was going to the same kindy, at ages 5 to 7.
A couple of months after I started school I had a bit of a false alarm with regards to kidnapping. I was making my way to the kindy (about 400 metres from the school) and heard a man yelling “(You) get in the car!”. In hindsight, it was somebody yelling at his dog. At the time, I didn’t know that, so I ran the rest of the way to the kindy. I didn’t panic: Mum had pretty much made me memorise “Feeling Happy, Feeling Safe” by Michelle Elliott, which had a pretty good, no-nonsense approach to staying safe without being petrified of strangers.
The school moved closer to the bus route when I started 3rd grade, so from then on I was expected to get my (1st-grader) brother and myself home from school on (gasp!) public transport! All on my ownsome!
And, when I was 10, I made my first solo trip (well, with my brother,) to the local shopping centre by bus and metro, about 5 km away. I felt proud and grown-up, doing it on my own. After that I had the run of the neighbourhood, and the forested recreational area on the other side of the motorway, provided I let Mum know whereabouts I was going to be. My best friend, the latchkey kid, was only allowed to go about halfway to the forest, and even then her mother tailed us.
Nobody pitched a fit if we got splinters, cuts or bruises (and there were plenty of those) growing up. Nobody got kidnapped and murdered. Now if only Finnish parents these days didn’t teach their kids that every strange man is a pedophile out to get them, especially when yelling after them, “Hey, little girl, you dropped your glove!”
If I ever have kids, I’m going to do my level best to let them be as free-range as I was.
*In Finland, your parents drop you off at kindergarten starting anywhere from the age of six months, and you keep going to kindy until either you start school (i.e. first grade) or your parents decide to have one or the other stay home with you (or hire an au pair). Preschool is for one year at age 6-ish and can be part of the kindy you attend. Preschool in Finland is theoretically supposed to teach the beginnings of reading, i.e. the alphabet. Mine was more like a play group.
You start school at age 6 or (usually) 7, and first grade is only for about 2 or 3 hours a day. Some kids go straight home after school (around 10 or 11 o’clock) and wait for their parents to get home several hours later, others are signed up for an after-school club of some sort and are possibly picked up by their parents in the late afternoon.
Thisis was featured on the STFU Parents blog today:
http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2011/01/the-5-best-toys-of-all-time/
I instantly thought of this site.
Address for STFU Parents is:
http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/
Very funny site.
I have a theory I want to float to this crowd about why child-rearing has become helicoptering. Before the advent of large numbers of middle-class moms going to work (1970s), not only were moms AROUND (meaning getting everyone off in the a.m., there after school, and available during the schoolday in case the nurse called and Johnny had to be picked up), but if, for instance, Johnny fell out of a tree and broke his arm, while it would be disruptive to the family, Mom wasn’t putting her career in jeopardy to take care of it /him.
Nowadays not only might moms helicopter in order to compensate for not being around, but also are constantly making heart-rending choices: Kid wakes up with fever on day of Important, Career-Crucial Meeting; school play / concert / championship game conflicts with Important, Career-Crucial Meeting, etc. etc. What do others think?
First, to Yam Erez, yes, I think your theory is right on, and supports my own theory, which is that the current parenting culture is a narcissistic venture designed to make parents feel better, rather than to try to assist in the growth of good humans.
My own kids are aged 13, 11, and 9. They have been free range since they were toddlers, though I have to admit to my luck in that I live in a rural area on 10 acres. The edge of our yard, however, drops off into a deep ravine into which none of them have ever toppled. They regularly hike the surrounding forest, ride their bikes to the nearby corner store, play outside and get dirty. The unintended consequences are that they have developed enough personal responsibility that they put away their own laundry, do their homework without my constant intervention, adhere to limits on video game and TV time, and respect their bedtime, all without my nagging.
Also, as siblings, their relationships are those of equals, rather than competitors. I have to point out, too, that the free range concept must be applied to discipline as well as privilege. Too much micro- management and attention to negative behavior fosters just as much rebellion and resistance as too much protection. This is not to say that kids do not need the occasional gentle reminder as to appropriate behavior, or that they do not need consequences for disrespectful or destructive acts. But it has been my experience that entitling a child to his or her own feelings as you administer such guidance naturally fosters understanding of the feelings of others. For those of you who punish your children for making faces or muttering under their breath as they walk away to their time out, stop it.
Maybe I’m just lucky, but my kids are awesome people with whom I would choose to associate even if they were not my kids, and I believe it is because they have been allowed the type of freedom they need to develop as people and not mere extensions of my own unfulfilled needs and desires.
Elisabeth, what a pleasure to read your post. First of all, it’s wonderful to read something well written by someone who obviously cares about the written word. We’re a dying species. Second, your point about allowing kids their feelings and the way you illustrated it: so true! To expand on this: It is OK to show displeasure with your child; it is not OK to display anger. Us parents must make the distinction. I didn’t, and I paid. I ultimately went into parent counseling with an excellent therapist; too many parents can’t admit that they need to.
Yam Erez, I totally agree with you on appreciating Elisabeth’s comment. But I don’t agree that we should not, as parents, display anger. I think that if we have inappropriate reactions to things we should deal with that, but people get angry, and kids know it. What they really need to learn is that someone like their parent, who totally loves them and is human, can get angry and it won’t be the end of the world. Our kids need to learn to remain intact while others have strong emotions.
I think of the “Free Range Kids” idea as being reciprocal – it’s really good for parents, too. Part of that is figuring out how to express the full range of our emotional experience without malice or resentment.
I had parents that thought we kids should be “free range” as you call it. I was jealous of the children who’s parents showed concern and love. (As a child, I felt that picking their children up from school showed love, curfews showed concern, etc.) I felt unloved and unwanted as i walked home from school alone at six years old. I found my way after getting lost a few times. But it made me feel abandoned – not like I was independent. Yet, to please my parents and prove to my piers that I was big enough I kept walking home alone. I was very independent at 16 when I got lost walking home from a friend’s house, asked for directions and the man grabbed me, locked me in his car and raped me. I was so independent I told no one for I was ashamed that I was not independent enough to avoid the situation.
If you think it’s okay to let a young child (even 9 is young) walk home or anywhere alone then you are blind to the world we live in. Children are supposed to be taken care of by their parents – not thrown into the world the minute they show a little intelligence. We don’t let them vote until they are 18 for a reason. We don’t let them live on their own or get married until they are old enough for a reason. Why on earth are parents so eager to get their children out of the house and on their own? We should take advantage of their younger years to teach them basic life skills such as safety, social skills, responsibility, self-preservation. This is not learned by throwing them out in the world to learn on their own.
Being cautious, teaching children to be safe, teaching them that there are boundaries (such as they must be accompanied until they are old enough/big enough to protect themselves) and teaching them that the boundaries exist because we love them is not “hunkering down” and living in fear.
My children are very self confident, know that I love them and know that I make decisions for their best interest whether that decision is where they go and with whom, what school they go to and or what car they drive. They learn by example and that has prepared them to be independent, smart and able to make the best decisions for their lives. My older children are not “afraid” of the world; just the opposite. They are confident and smart and I am confident that they can take care of themselves in many situations. Yes, it is sad that we have to be more careful today- – but that is simply the world we live in and we have adapted instead of trying to live in the 50’s where life was supposedly simpler.
I just wanted to point out that my children are now 9, 13 and 14. They go to the movies alone, go to carnivals alone, go snowboarding alone or with friends, and are homeschooled where neither I nor their online teachers have to “hover” over them to get work done. The 13 and 14 year old are already preparing themselves for college through volunteer work, reading about their desired careers and talking with their counselor’s about their desired colleges. I can trust them to take care of their work, help with household chores, and take care of themselves because I have brought them up to be independent, yet smart. This kind of intelligence does not just happen because a child walks home alone before they are able to defend themselves – this intelligence comes through teaching.
First of all, I want to say that I’m very sorry to here what happened to you and that you didn’t dare to tell anybody about the rape. But still I wonder about sentences like “As a child, I felt that picking their children up from school showed love, curfews showed concern, etc.” And you wrote that you felt abandoned while walking home alone. My read is, that your parents didn’t prepare you well enough for walking alone to school and maybe were not sensitive enough about how you felt in this situation.
To me “free range” doesn’t mean throwing my kids out of the house as early as possible. My daughter is seven years and walks to school alone, as most children in Germany do. Sometimes she meets classmates on the way, sometimes she doesn’t, but both is OK for her. And of course we prepared here, so she knows what way is safest and we wouldn’t force her to walk alone if she would be afraid or felt unsafe. So that’s our way of taking care. And fortunately the schoolway is so short that it is almost impossible to get lost.
She is also allowed to play outside the house alone, which means she plays on the footpath in front of the house. But she knows that she is not allowed to go to the main road, because there is too much traffic. And she accepts that.
To cut a long story short: “free range” means to me that we allow our daughter to be outside alone if:
1) we think the sourrounding is safe
2) we think she can handle the situation
3) she wants it.
I was watching the Today show this morning and 2 boys, ages 13 and 11, were on the Plaza with a sign. The lady doing the weather picked them out, talked to them and they said the parents were in the hotel room. The weather lady was SHOCKED and rendered speechless! She could not believe 2 boys from another state, not even city kids, were allowed to be on the Today Show Plaza alone! The boys seemed quite confident and pleased with themselves for getting on TV. After the break, she was back with the boys on TV and speaking to the woman next to the boys (a stranger) and asked if she would look out for the boys. To which the stranger woman replied yes. I am sure the boys’ parents knew where they were and were confident in their children’s abilities to be on their own. Free Range Kids most likely!
On another note, last week while in school, my younger son’s principal called me. Apparently his lunch was unacceptable. The Little Guy chooses his lunch each day on his own. I want him, and his older brother and sister (all are ages 6, 9 and 11) to be able to choose foods they enjoy, that fill their bellies and are healthy (yes, snacks and less healthy choices are okay sometimes, but they’ve learned to go healthy most often). Well, Little Guy chose to pack an apple and a banana plus a juice box for his lunch that day. I knew this as I check the lunch box before it’s placed in the backpack. Well, I guess it wasn’t acceptable! It warranted a phone call to me to explain that she was concerned my son’s lunch wasn’t good enough! WHAT??? I guess I forgot the donuts and chips? My husband I I blew it off but as the day and night wore on we grew increasingly upset. By the next morning we were ready to do battle should we have received another phone call. Little Guy was scared to pack his lunch Thursday, changing his mind so many times. He ended with 2 pretzel rods, an apple and a couple of cheese slices, plus his juice box. He was starving when he came home, something very unusual. He had originally included an applesauce cup but changed his mind saying it was too much apple in his lunch. He also finally said his principal told him she’d give him school lunch if his next lunch wasn’t “good.” She wanted him to have a sandwich, but he doesn’t care for sandwiches (he is a bit of a picky eater though he does at least tend toward somewhat healthy items). As you can tell by my rant, we were not at all happy with the principal’s assessment and the fact that she has made choosing a lunch something stressful for our Kindergarten kid.
Don’t even get me started on the playground rules within our neighborhood! That’s for another time. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year! Or just Happy Holidays!
Kris, Thanks for sharing the story about the boys in the Today Show Plaza. Amazing isn’t it that we think an 11 and 13 year old need constant supervision. At a family dinner yesterday my 28 year old step niece who travels all over California for her job shared that she never walks anywhere in these towns even if the restaurant is only a block from her hotel because she is afraid of being kidnapped.
A friend and I attended a Peter and the Wolf classical concert for kids. It has been a number of years since I have attended an event with lots of kids as mine are grown. I was surprised and annoyed at the large number of nine and ten year old boys in the ladies room line because so many parents are afraid of the lurking pedifiles in the men’s room. It made our line very slow.
Regarding your son’s lunch, that is so sad. And particularly annoying is his teacher’s suggestion of a sandwich as the majority of sandwiches I see kids eating are made of oversalted processed cheese and meats – not healthy at all.
Kris: The principal? Really? Was looking over kids’ shoulders in the lunchroom and inspecting their lunches? Shouldn’t the principal be…I don’t know…principal-ing? I’d be writing the principal about hizzer interpretation of hizzer job definition and cc-ing the PTA and the school board. Ludicrous.
Helynna: If I were in that line for the bathroom…well, I wouldn’t stand in such a line; I’d immediately head for the mens’. If anyone asked me why, I’d simply point out the absurd situation. I do this on a regular basis because even without nine- and ten-year-old boys, the womens’ line is often…well, it doesn’t matter HOW long, ’cause to my mind, ANY line is too long, especially when I see that the men have no wait at all. I just scoot right in there. I’ve gotten quizzical looks, but no one’s challenged me yet.
Clara, I think you may be missing out on the actual philosophy. FreeRange is NOT about abandoning your child to the whims of the world–in fact, by the descriptions of your children and how you raise them, your method and FreeRange might be closer than you want to think.
This free-range crap is exactly that! for the birds! you people are very foolish for buying into this type of ‘freedom”. really? a 7 or 9 year old is capable of handling themseleves in a emergency situation or to ward off danger from someone waiting for an opportunity to exploit a child? I don’t think so. It’s called neglect people and I don’t care if you live in the city or the boondocks, this is a very unsafe world we are living in now. I grew up riding my bicycle around the neighborhood,walking to and from school and to the corner store and going thru a used car parking lot to get there along a busy road. I look back & shudder to think how my Mother could have let her children go alone. I would never tell her this but I think it was absolutely careless of her to do so. Wake up people, do not be so damn ignorant! How are you going to deal with it when your child suddenly disappears, never to be seen again, possibly murdered, molested or used as a child sex slave? Can you really deal with the not knowing of what happened to your child? When I became a parent I took on the responsiblilty to look after my children until they have reached an appropriate age (not 7 or 9) to take care of themselves.
S. I do really wonder who in this world is so powerful to poison (almost) everybody with fear.
A happy new year to all of you, whether free-range or not
S, I’m guessing that reading Justice Department figures on crime against children won’t change your view of humanity as being really ugly, and worse than it used to be. But do you really think that if your child is the rare victim of the kind of horrors you imagine, that it will comfort you at all to know that you devoted your parenting to preventing it? I want to parent in a way that promotes the positive, not wallow in the negative.
I am curious S. and for all of you out there who make the statement that you will not let your children go anywhere alone until an appropriate age, what do you believe is the appropriate age to let your child go anywhere alone? And how will you determine that they have reached that age?
Wow, S. I am sorry you feel this way. At what age is it appropriate for kids to take care of themselves? No one is saying that a 7 year old can do everything for themselves but he certainly needs to begin learning the skills to take care of himself at some point, and the younger the better. If we wait until they are older they don’t have as long to make mistakes and learn from them. I don’t leave my 6 year old home alone but I will leave him with his 11 year old sister and 9 year old brother. And the two older ones are allowed to be home alone for a few hours, even while watching the little guy. They’ve been given this responsibility for a couple of years now (only within the last year with the little guy).
As for children being taken, the risk is always there, certainly, but it is unlikely to happen. We cannot live in fear and hold our kids back forever. My husband was kidnapped when he was 4; he and his 2 brothers. By their father. Back in the 70s the authorities didn’t care that the father didn’t have custody; the man was the father and it took 4 years for my mother in law to find her children living in another state in a run-down trailer in the woods. Kidnappings and such generally happen by someone known to the victim (yes, there are random kidnappings as well but it is not as common in our country). My husband still wants our children to be on their own, learning, exploring, playing, being creative…We are fostering creativity and independence in our children and their future teachers and bosses will be all the more grateful for it later. Our children will have the ability to think on their feet, solve problems on their own, make their own decisions and feel confident in their choices. We are always here for them but we let them make mistakes and figure out how to fix them. They are given guidelines and boundaries that are expandable as age and wisdom allow. My husband could have lived in fear of our children being snatched away one day like he was but he doesn’t. That’s just no way to live life to the fullest.
Dear S-
Have you read her book? Or are you just going from magazine articles & hearsay?
Despite what you write “this is a very unsafe world we are living in now.”
America is safer than it’s ever been.
Go to CDC or Justice Dept websites.
Kids are more at risk from people they know than from strangers.
Teach your kids to handle situations, empower them, don’t fill them with unreasonable fear.
check out this excerpt and for your further study visit:
http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/statsinfo/nis3.cfm#family
>>>>Birth parents were the most closely related perpetrators for 72 percent of the physically abused children and for 81 percent of the emotionally abused children.
The pattern was distinctly different for sexual abuse. Nearly 50% of the sexually abused children were sexually abused by someone other than a parent or parent-substitute, while just over 25% were sexually abused by a birth parent, and 25% were sexually abused by other than a birth parent or parent- substitute.
In addition, a sexually abused child was most likely to sustain a serious injury or impairment when a birth parent was the perpetrator.
Child Abuse – Perpetrator’s Sex.
Children were more likely to be maltreated by female perpetrators than by males:
65% of the maltreated children had been maltreated by a female
54% had been maltreated by a male.
Of children who were maltreated by their birth parents, the majority (75%) were maltreated by their mothers and a sizable minority (46%) were maltreated by their fathers (some children were maltreated by both parents).
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Don't condemn the "free range" concept if you don't know the facts.
cheers
Bob
Happy New Year to Lenore and the regular commenters on this site.
I finally got to read Lenore’s book. There was a long waiting list for it in the US Army Europe library system. Needless to say, I loved it and laughed a lot. Lenore has a very humorous and easy-to-read style of writing. I let my son read some excerpts from it and his response was, “Are people in the States really that weird?” I’m definitely going to buy a copy for a friend of mine who just had a baby. From things that she says on her Facebook page and in her e-mails, I have a feeling that she’s going to be a helicopter mom.
@S, Plane crashes are very rare. When you see a news report about a plane crash, photos of the wreckage, and interviews with the survivors, that sticks with you because it’s an emotional event. One would think that airplanes regularly fall out of the sky and crash because of how they’re reported. But you’ll never hear about all of the people who flew on commercial airliners and got to their destinations safely on the news. By the way, commercial air travel is the statistically safest method of travel.
Child abductions by strangers are the same type of story as plane crashes. They get reported because of how rarely they occur. Millions of kids arriving at their destinations by themselves just isn’t newsworthy because it’s very common (at least in Germany). Here is an excerpt from a post in my blog from last September when I compared the prevailing parenting climate in the States to Stalin’s USSR:
“There is a climate of fear in the States with parenting that would make Comrade Stalin very proud. Sometimes I think that the media has taken a page out of Stalin’s playbook to reinforce the fears that parents have. Very rare events like stranger abduction, choking on button batteries, poisoned Halloween candy, and pedophiles in public bathrooms are played up in the news media. Mundane events, such as kids walking to school or taking a bus in town by themselves and arriving at their destinations safe and sound, are not broadcast at all. The perception is that the world is a dangerous place and children should never be without a parent in sight. I think if Comrade Stalin were alive today, the current media would expand on his quote that I cited above. It would go something like this, “One abducted child’s death is a tragedy that needs to be exploited for all it’s worth in order to instill fear and reinforce helicopter parenting; one million children walking, cycling, or taking public transportation by themselves without any incidents is a statistic that must be ignored or downplayed because it goes against the prevailing societal norms.” The full text of the blog entry is at
http://gap-runner.blogspot.com/2011/09/josef-stalin-and-parenting.html
I think this is so timely. I grew up in the 60s and 70s – in the UK until I was 9, and then in the US. I remember wonderful days of bike riding (no helmet) all over our little town, catching lightning bugs, etc. I think the UK schools were better at the time at preparing us to be free-range. We were taught our “curb drill” so we could cross the road safely, taught the rules of the road for our bikes (by the local police, as I recall), and importantly, we were taught what to do if if a stranger did attempt to abduct us. I say importantly because I was very nearly abducted when I was in high school. This would have been about 1971 or 72. When a man tried to get me to get into his car, as I walked to school by myself, I ran away — but not before memorizing his license plate number (exactly what I had been taught to do when I was about 6). The man was arrested — we learned he had been “taking” other girls and sexually assaulting them. I am so glad both that I had a free-range childhood — and that i was prepared and knew what to do to protect myself (and others) if something untoward happened. To this day, I love to walk by myself in the cities that I travel to on business. I have had many lovely experiences with strangers, and feel confident that I can judge which situations are safe and unsafe.
The notion of “when my kids are old enough to take care of themselves”…
I understand this is a big problem nowadays. A parents picks a reasonable age (maybe 18, give or take) and says “There! My kid made it the appointed age and didn’t die. He/She is now ready to take on the world!”
Except parent never taught the kid how to do anything nor gave the kid practice in life skills. Kid is unable to handle reality, has no sense of risk assessment, and gets in a heap of trouble.
Oops.
It’s very unlikely a young child will have something life-alteringly horrible happen to them. The best defense is to teach your child how to reasonably avoid bad situations. If you don’t do this, it’s MUCH MORE LIKELY your kid will end up as a useless adult.
Backroads, I could not agree with you more. Our culture is literally spoiling our children. I can do my best to help my son avoid being with the basket cases, but I feel pretty helpless to help him navigate what his adult world will be like when it is populated with these spoiled children. What college freshmen do these days is appalling, and the problems these kids cause are increasing as they accumulate responsibilities they cannot handle.
Exactly, Karen!
I have a family of good friends I’ve known all my life. The mother is very protective of her children and helps them out in everything. While I dearly care for these people, her adult children seemed to have only survived due to her help.
A year or so back I had some trouble hanging onto an apartment I had. No one’s fault, really, but the mother of this family kept complaining to my parents (and yes, I am an adult) that they should be doing such-n-such.
Unbelievable.
If you are frightened to death living in this world it is for one reason only: YOU WATCH TOO MUCH TELEVISION AND READ TOO MANY “NEWS”PAPERS. The media only cares about how much revenue it brings in; the BEST way to generate revenue is to scare you to death. If you buy into that, then raise your children how you see fit. When your child is 25 years old and is still living under your roof, is unproductive and as scared of life as you are, then maybe you will see how foolish it has been to “protect” him or her from this “cold, cruel world.” My advice: Stop Watching Television completely. Stop Reading Any News paper completely. Start Living.
The things we try to protect our kids from….
We want to imagine that we can protect them, and we’re terrified to admit the dangers to which we can’t help but expose them – our own poor judgement, our neuroses, our families, the molesters we give keys, etc.
And so, we protect them instead from the things from which we can protect them – never mind their probability of occurring.
Kids need to develop antibodies to germs, and they need to develop survival skills. These can’t be taught; they have to be learned.
Thanks for your blog.
Let me preface this comment: I do not watch the news, or read newspapers.
I have been reading all these comments about how irresponsible to let your kids do things for themselves because they might get kidnapped or assaulted or what have you. One of the things that sticks out from my childhood is that my parents always told me, one of the most dangerous thoughts to have is “it will never happen to me” so they told me what to do in an emergency, how to react if something bad were to happen, all on an age appropriate level. What I took from it? The best offense is a good defense. Act, don’t re act. Know your surrondings, be aware of your situation all the time, and know when and who to ask for help. They didn’t hover over me constantly; they gave me tools, little by little, to take care of myself.
This whole idea of Free Range, its not about leaving children to raise themselves or shoving them out into the world unprepared at an early age. Its about teaching kids that they can do things for themselves, teaching them to try and try and try, and ask for help when needed. Its about instilling confidence in them from an early age, but also letting them realize that sometimes you are going to fail.
From my point of view, a “helicopter parent” is the parent who ties their kids shoes when the are 10, carries his backpack, drives him to school rather then let him ride the school bus(or walk if thats what is the norm), would rather have their child inside playing video games or watching tv than outside riding a bike or skateboard(where they might fall and break something!), does the science project for the child, literally pushing them out of the way, because “this way is better”, carries the one and a half year old up the stairs to the slide and sits with them on the slide. (that last one is a personal experience I recently had at a playground, while my 15 month old was toddling all over the place having a great time, another child older than her was being carried and held throughout the entire apparatus. It was designed specifically for 0-3yr olds!). Its not right or wrong, its just people trying to do what they think is best for their child. I think we all look back on our childhood and see what we percieve are the mistakes our parents made and say to ourselves “I’ll never do it that way” But I have personal experience with the type of child that grew up this way, my husband’s sister is the product of helicopter parenting (or maybe even far worse). She was the baby in the family, born several years after her older siblings, probably unexpected, and has been coddled her whole life. She is now 23 yrs old and her mother told us over christmas that she is going to have to move in with her because she needs to be driven to wherever she needs to go, she has no sense of direction and will get lost or be late to work, class, etc. She’s had her license for 5 years, but apparently has not been driving anywhere as she lived on a college campus and has previously been able to walk out her door to class, food, etc. When my husband asked about a car the mother immediately said that they were trying to get her one (not the sister, the parents are looking at buying her one), but she still would need to be at least driven with for months to be sure she was ok. The idea of public transportation was brought up and the mother balked, “but it takes forever, and she’d have to walk to the stops and change buses!” This is a 23 year old ADULT! we’re not talking about a 14 or even 18 year old. This woman has been handicapped, and this is just an example of one aspect of her life, other facets are just as handicapped.
My children are small, almost 4 and 1 & 1/2. I haven’t had time to experience a whole lot with them, but I can tell you a few things that I have seen in their short lifetimes that boggles my mind. My almost 4 yr old can do TONS of stuff, he’s an expert climber and is incredibly smart. (I am pretty biased) and while I am duly impressed with my own child, I am equally baffled by things other children his own age cannot do, simply because they have never been allowed. Climbing trees, riding a skateboard, picking his own meals at restaurants (really, you can’t ask your 4 yr old what he wants to eat?) As a parent I’m sure we’ve all experienced times where its just not worth the fight… “you want to wear checkered green pants and an orange and red striped shirt? Fine, whatever, you’re dressed” but there are some things that it had never occured to me to argue about. Why shouldn’t he climb on top of the jungle gym? Why can’t he go try out the monkey bars alone, I mean how’s he supposed to get enough strength to go across them if I always hold him up? Now because her big brother is so good at climbing and all that, my daughter has actually become quite agile, and nimble. She is far more graceful than her brother, who is like a bull in a china shop and it is usually sheer luck and will that he doesn’t fall off things rather than ability. My daughter watches him and sees the mechanics and then takes her time and does it far more skillfully. And yet I get stares at the playground for leaving her to do what she pleases. Its a playground, right? Well intentioned parents often pick her up to “help her up the stairs” or try to catch her at the bottom of slides. I know they mean well, but I just want to tell them to keep their hands off my kid, because she can do it, and if she can’t she’ll figure that out. I find that is my biggest arguement, She CAN do it, why am I the only one willing to let her?
I know that issues will come up as they grow up, and I can’t say for sure how I will handle them, but I know one thing: I fear for my children daily, its only normal. But its MY fear and I own that. They don’t need to be afraid to live and so everyday I let them go a little more. They will grow up confident, self reliant, and LOVED. They will know that they will succeed in life, but also that failure is inevitable. When those failures happen I will be around to help guide them toward success, and hold them while they cry. I am so excited, there is so much possibility in these two little lives, and I get to be there to watch it all happen! My greatest excitement: What are we going to do today?!
While I think that people overreact to nearly nonexistent fears of child molesters and kidnappers, I have one very real concern.
I live very close to the neighborhood I grew up in. It has been very heavily built up, but the infrastructure is still the same as it was in the early 80’s. There are I used to bike ride down as a kid, never seeing any traffic at all are now packed with cars. There are no sidewalks or shoulders. I wouldn’t feel safe riding a bike on these roads as an adult.
Instead of just locking my daughter up, I am trying to fix this. I am getting in touch with local officials, trying to get the sidewalk infrastructure improved a few bike paths, or at least some shoulders on the roads. Luckily, there are many sidewalks in my area that were created by the developers of the neighborhoods. But they aren’t connected to each other. So if I can get the city to listen to me, they’d only have to make connections rather than create an entire infrastructure from scratch.
It may take a long time, but my daughter is only 15 months old. I am hoping by the time she’s 6 or 7, she’ll be able to ride her bike to the nearby park and the drug store down the street to get herself a soda in the summertime.
Hi,
I just recently had my first child at the age of 41 and have noticed that I am starting to think thinks that go against my firmly held free range ideas pre-baby. Now that I see her perfect little body I am horrified of anything happening to her. The idea of an external force marring her either physically or mentally simply freaks me out. I am not worried about her riding a bike but what about the crazy old man who drives without proper glasses and runs up on the sidewalk and huts her? Of course thus has never happened in my neighbourhood and never evenin my city but that knowledge does not stop me getting these horrible images in my head. This is completely contrary to how I thought about things when we were talking about your child. Now that it is my precious little baby I wonder how I can possibly take any chance that could get her hurt. Who is this crazy woman who has taken over my previously sensible mind???? By the way, my baby is only 2 months old. What kind of ceased patent am I on the cusp of becoming? Please forgive any typos. This was written on my iPhone.
Right on, keo! Good for you for thinking ahead. May your goal be accomplished!
Deborah, I recall having those images too. Still do, and my kids are 21, 19, and 14. It doesn’t really go away. But you learn to adjust. Still, if you are really feeling “ruled” or “taken over” by these thoughts, I recommend anti-anxiety meds. They changed my life.
Danielle, your playground experiences reminds me of a dialogue I had, when my elder daughter was about 2 or 3 years. One part of the playground is something like a wooden framework the kids can climb onto, among others there is a very narrow ladder where you can’t place both feet side by side. My daughter was climbing upstairs, I stood aside, but didn’t help her. Another mother was watching her, and asked me if she really could climb this ladder (I assume she thought my daughter was to small). I answered “Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t allow her.” After a while she said she were a quite anxious mother.
On another occasion I watched a mother wanting to help her daughter a ladder by holding one of her hands, she was handicapping her instead of helping her.
Katrin, yes I have noticed that when people try to “help” she becomes more clumsy, trying to break away from them or just that they move differently from a tiny tot. I had the same kind of experience you described about a mother asking if she could do it, at a children’s museum. I have a lot of stairs in my home, and since my son is a climber the gates are more dangerous than protective, so both of my children learned to go down stairs in tandem with learning to walk. My daughter is tiny, I call her L’il Bit, and when she had just started to walk she was going down a set of stairs at this children’s museum and the mother standing behind her looked up (searching for me, the parent of this tiny baby!) and asked if she could really do the stairs already?! and how old was she. I told her age, said yes she was quite adept, and then as I usually do, waved it off as having an older brother who teaches her these things earlier. The mother was still astonished, but such is life. There are things my children are not good at yet, so I never make too many comparisons and we moved on.
Thank you for your reply 🙂 (PS I lived in Germany on American Air Bases until I was 9! It is still my favorite country in the whole world, and I loved all the nature based, outdoor stuff we could do there!)
I have two children that I’ve been rasing free-range since they were born in 2006 and 2008. (OMG you don’t mean a walker do you?) Yes I do. They were free to go were they pleased. Only being 23 when my daughter was rolling around like puffy in a benz, I was told I was just to young to have children. Didn’t I know the risks, walkers are dangerous they could roll over their toe, or roll down the stairs that we didn’t have. Well I took peoples worry with a gain of salt and sometimes with a shot of vodka and at 3 each of my kids learned to use a butter knife, They buttered waffles and toast and to the shock of everyone still have all ten fingers. Now at the ripe old ages of 5 and 4 they play outside most of the day, while I clean in the house and their favorite activity is climbing trees. My daughter helps my cook and will even cook herself (her scrambled eggs are awesome) and my son takes the dog on walks up and down the street. I constantly have neighbors asking me what i would do if something happened to them. They don’t always like my answer, “I can’t even imagine how i would feel.
But I know how i feel when they accomplish something new for the first time, like climbing a new tree or mastering those eggs, and that feeling i wouldnt trade for the world.
One of my co-workers is pregnant with her first child. She’s only about halfway through her pregnancy and is already having people judge her. She said that other moms are the worst. Some people say that her belly is too big for how far along she is, while others tell her that it’s not big enough. She also told me that people have criticized her for having treats at Christmas parties. A few cookies during pregnancy really won’t turn your baby into the kid who wears the dunce cap in class. I know this from experience. 🙂 My advice to her when someone tried to give her advice was to smile, nod her head, then let it go in one ear and right out the other.
My colleague and her husband went into a baby store in another city in Germany. They were amazed at all of the things being sold in the name of safety. I told her that she didn’t need 99% of that stuff. Yes, they even sell baby knee pads in Germany now. Yikes! My co-worker told me that someone gave her sister a set of baby knee pads. The baby never used the knee pads for crawling. But when she got a little older she used the knee pads as boats or train cars for her Playmobil and Fisher Price people.
I also told my colleague to stop reading all of the mom/parenting blogs except for Free Range Kids.
Angela, I’m down with your attitude and approach, but:
1. Who’s puffy in a benz?
2. What’s with the walker in the first place?
3. Is your son learning to cook and is your daughter walking the dog?
Don’t slip into gender stereotyping without being aware of it.
I laugh every time I see someone bashing the baby knee pads. My son crawled so much, and so fast, that he had sores on his knees (it was summer and he was always wearing practically nothing.) I was grateful when I found little things that were like sweatbands. His knees were cushioned, they started healing, and the floor got a little bit cleaner! 😀
This is so interesting to me. I have a 10 year old step son and a 15 month old daughter. I am a “hover mother”. I am. I never used the term before but it is true. My mother was and I am. I have not read this book or heard the author speak. I simply read all the comments. Great, insightful comments. Seriously. I took notes. I would never let a nine year old child ride the subway alone. However this makes me realize that waiting until the child is 19 and expecting them to be capable all of a sudden is absurd. This has got me thinking that there must be a middle ground. There needs to be a balance of safety and raising capable individuals. I have made a list of everything I can think of that my step son needs to be able to do alone by the time he is 18. This morning I let him walk down our dead end street to the bus stop alone. Tonight when he gets home from school there will be a note on the door with the lock code so he can try it himself for the first time. (I will be inside) We are so controlled by fear. A great deal of our fear is due to the fact that we can be investigated and viewed as bad parents if we aren’t there every second doing everything. For the first time I am realizing that I could be a “bad parent” by doing too much too. Thank you for making me think about other important aspects of raising a child other than just the obvious “That’s hot! Don’t touch!” I will not be 100% free range but certainly more trusting, more positive, and more focused on equipping rather than overprotecting.
Yam
Puffy is a hip hop mongul. Maybe a bad comparrison. 😦 I used the walker because I had it and outside it’s easier to see. As for the gender roles thing my son hasn’t ever shown an intersest in cooking and i won’t make him, but he does take his baby with him in a backpack to walk t . Same thing goes for my daughter; if she wanted to walk the dog she could. I think she is just more content scrambling eggs.
Gender roles aren’t always bad. I get you shouldnt force your kids INTO gender roles, but isn’t forcing them OUT bad too?
And baby knee pads are a semi-good idea. Like when it’s 120 degrees outside, but not just to crawl.
Bravo! I just read your oped from 2009 and couldn’t agree more. Thanks for articulating the point so well.
Erasmus
NPR has featured an article relevant to recent discussions on this board about letting kids tackle problems at a young age, so that they are better prepared to handle bigger problems as adults. Here’s the bottom line: “Child psychologist Richard Weissbourd says the findings bolster earlier research that finds that “parents who really respect their kids’ thinking and their kids’ input are much more likely to have kids who end up being independent thinkers and who are able to resist peer groups.”” and here is the link to the article: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future?ps=sh_stcathdl
Enjoy,
Meredith
At about the age of 12, my son’s friend rode home from our house by himself. He got lost…oops… turned left when he should have turned right and he had no cell phone. Did he get abducted? Did he starve to death? Of course not! He went into a Starbucks, explained his situation to one of the workers. Someone loaned him a cell phone, he called home and all was well. A successful failure!
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Leanne, those are some wonderful things to try!
“Gender roles aren’t always bad. I get you shouldnt force your kids INTO gender roles, but isn’t forcing them OUT bad too?”
First of all, when are gender roles good? Second of all, no one’s talking about force; I’m talking about affirmative action on the part of parents. If you don’t at least try to get your kids to engage in activities that are traditional for the opposite gender, it’s as good as handing over the reins to the forces of the surrounding society — and have no doubt, they are out there, and they are STRONG, and hard to resist once your kids are out there, i.e., in school, etc. and wanting to fit in.
Besides, isn’t scrambling an egg a life skill that everyone should learn?
He doesn’t want to learn to scramble eggs. If he did I would teach him, or my husband would since he taught my daughter. I focus my parenting on what my children want and what is good for them. And gender roles are good if that is what your comfortable with. I’m not one of those people that say if you don’t do it my way then your wrong. I don’t and will not make my children do something they are uncomfortable with. However I will give them freedom to make their own choices even at four and five. HIs choice right now is to do “boy” things like walk the dog. I OK with that.
Free range kids on the way home! As I was driving home from work the other day (I travel on a highway surrounded by wide open spaces full of farm ground) There were several kids out in a pasture playing on some ice, it was not a pond just run off. They were slipping and sliding, having fun running through the pasture, which had cattle and horses wondering around. there was not an adult in sight. I thought to myself ‘freerange family!” They were having fun, and I remembering to the exact same thing growing up.
One thought I haven’t really seen mulled over on this site. Is there such a thing as “too free-range”? Back when I was a kid and we all walked home from school about a mile or two depending on where we lived, there were a group of boys I knew who, despite being from good families, used their freedom during this time not to be “proud of being trusted to walk home” but to cause trouble. They were in the 8, 9 , 10 year old range. They’d break into abandoned houses, break windows, scrawl graffiti, and so on. I don’t think they ever got caught, and their parents probably never knew. But if that happened today and DID get caught, all heck would break loose and blame heaped on the parents for letting their kids run wild. And I admit, when I see pre-teens out on the street being obnoxious, skateboarding in front of my car and flipping me off when I honk at them, I’ll think “Where the heck are their parents?” Although I love the idea of learning responsibility through freedom for kids, I can also see the side of kids being…well…immature and taking advantage of too much freedom!
@Angela, it’s great that your kids have found something they really do on their own to help you doing the household. And as they are quite small yet, of course they should have a lot of time for playing and having fun. But someday they’ll have to do things they feel uncomfortable with – even it is just standing up early in the morning to get to school. And if I had a son I’d take care, that he, too, is able to cook for himself as an adult, and why not begin with teaching him to prepare a simple meal – it doesn’t have to be scrambled eggs.
@An Onny: The standard answer is: this is not what free range is about. To me free range means allowing my children to do things on their own according to their age and character. But of course I teach them rules and respect.
Ok, I don’t really respond a whole lot here, but I have to get in on this one. I agree with Angela. There is nothing wrong with *typical* gender roles. I don’t want to live in a world where mama’s don’t rock their babies to sleep, or daddy’s don’t teach their kids to fish. Of course I don’t want to live in a world where daddy’s don’t read bedtime stories and mama’s don’t go camping either. But saying that boys can do “girl” things and girls can do “boy” things is not the same as completely discouraging a behavior simply because thats a behavior society has told us is appropriate for that gender so it needs to be shunned by that gender. That thought process reminds me of this movie Julia Roberts was in “Mona Lisa Smile”. Julia Roberts was this really “forward thinking” woman who came to work at a woman’s college in like the early fifties. She said being she was all about women’s rights, and choice and freedom and all that. But in the end she got angry with a student who got accepted to Law School, but decided she wanted to get married and have babies instead. No one was forcing this girl into the “housewife” role, its what she truely wanted to do. Its a valid choice. It seems to me, quite a lot of the time, people who are all about “everyone doing their own thing” are only open minded when people choose how they think they should. “oh look, little tommy wants to dance Ballet, isn’t that great. He’s setting such a great example” “Jane LOVES playing with cars, and playing with the boys. She won’t even look at the stupid pink barbie stuff my *old fashioned* mother got her.” So why is it wrong for Jack to love football if he’s good at it? Or if Katie loves to cook and sew? I’m not saying you should *make* children do typical things, just don’t discourage it if they want to. Why purposely keep toy cars and footballs away from boys? Why not play dolls & dress up with girls? That’s just silly.
I didn’t know my “parenting style” had a name until last night.
I LOVE letting my daughter experience life. I hate when other parents think that since I let her do so many things that I don’t “protect her” or they assume that I don’t worry about her as much as they worry about their kids.
To me, parenting is more about telling them what to do and keeping a watchful eye over them. It’s letting them experience all aspects of life. Happiness, hurt, winning, losing, succeeding, failing. It’s letting them form who THEY are as a person… with a little guidance from the parents.
Somewhere on this site I saw someone saying about how if something bad is goign to happen, chances are you can’t stop it personally – but you can make sure your child is “street smart” has common sense and the abilities to handle “tough” situations should they come up. That’s what I do.
I remember as a kid being out from the time the sun came up til the time the sun went down. Mom will even say “I’m so happy nothing bad ever happened to you guys, we never knew wehere you were” lol We’d ride bikes, build forts, go from house to house to house playing in yards, etc, etc. We knew our rules and respected them because we, as children, felt awesome when the parents weren’t hovering over us. Nothing bad ever happened to us and no one ever got hurt or lost. I couldn’t imagine stripping my child from those memories… or at least memories like that. I want her to look back on her childhood and realize juist how much her parents helped her grow, learn, play, etc.
I LOVE your site! I signed up for the email updates and I can’t wait to read more 🙂
I have always been a free-range kid raiser. My “kids” are 39, 36, 28 and 16 (last one at home still) The older three each have a child of their own. From kindergarten, they started taking some responsibility for packing their own lunches (I checked them) and they learned to run the washing machine, dishwasher, dryer, vacuum, etc etc as they became capable of it. I actively encouraged them to make their own fun and explore their environments with few restraints. They would go out on their bikes or on foot with or without a friend, and do what they wanted to (within limits) until they got hungry, then come in to eat, and then often go out again. Before they left the house for good, each of them had to be able to cook several different meals, bake a cake, sew on a button, pay a bill, and do other independence-related activities as appropriate. They all turned out fine, with few untoward incidents, were capable as young adults, and are raising wonderful, independent little people of their own. I can’t imagine raising children any other way, because that was the way that I and my four siblings were raised, and we all turned out to be pretty OK. If we don’t encourage and even sometimes push our children to be independent, then how will they get there? The wrapped-in-cotton-batting approach to child-rearing only produces pampered little pets who expect “someone else” to do stuff for them, and that is one of the most unattractive traits you could find in a young adult. Bring on the free-range kids!
I’m having a difficult time finding a place to send you an email, so I’ll just ask you here.
Two days ago I was out with my extended family for lunch. It was me, my Mother-In-Law, my Father-In-Law, Grandpa-In-Law, and 5yo son. We were at a local IHOP and seated right next to the restrooms. Somewhere toward the end of dinner, my 5yo decided he had to use the restroom and I just let him go. I figured he’s fully potty trained and I’m 7 months pregnant so I really didn’t feel like escorting him the 20 feet just to watch him pee. My father in law just about went nuts and was so afraid my son was going to get raped in the bathroom! My mother in law reassured him she had been watching the door for everyone who had gone in and out of the restroom. My back was turned to the door and not once did I turn around wondering if my son was going to come out sexually scarred because he had to pee. I thought the whole scene was ridiculous! I mean, we’re talking about a 5yo who goes to the restroom independently at home, a child that has a loud mouth when he wants to be heard, a boy that is friendly to everyone he meets and knows no strangers, but does know what a bad touch is.
I’m at a loss to what I should’ve done. If my husband had been there, he would’ve also let our son pee by himself. It’s not like we were at the other end of the restaurant. We were literally two steps from the exterior bathroom doors which were 3 steps away from the interior bathroom doors.
Also, where can I find the stats you’re quoting about how things are safer? My father in law just thinks I’m being a lazy mom and not recognizing that I’m trying to raise an independent child who can navigate his way to a restroom. LMAO Thanks.
My kids are about as free-range as I can get them without feeling like a totally horrible mother. I have 4 kids, aged 7,5,3,and 1. We live in a very small house so the three oldest (all boys) share a room. And boys toys dominate the living room. Including dangerous choking hazards such as Hot Wheels and Lego. With a precious little 1 y/o girl crawling around putting everything in her mouth, I am watching out for dangers. Obviously Lego is dangerous – so my kids play with it at the table and even the 3 y/o knows to pick up the pieces he drops. I acknowledge the danger and have found a safe way for my boys to have their toys. Am I supposed to make my 7 y/o play with toddler toys for the next 3 years? Also, that 7 y/o is a great free-ranger. He is capable of driving a lawn mower (no blade action, just pulling a lawn sweeper) and cutting up veggies for supper. He makes a great pot of soup and carries his little sister to the table from time to time. As we go, I am teaching him safety (holding knives by the handles, directing pot handles away from the counter edge etc) and he is doing great! He is also capable of walking to his Grandma and Grandpa’s house (about 200 yards away – we live in the country and there’s nothing but grass and 2 fences between us). Sure, it was scary for me the first few times he did it, and I watched him until he got to the other side and met up with Grandma, but now he loves walking over there and will run errands for me or go there after school. I believe that his success is due mainly to his active mind and desire to mature. My 5 y/o does not have that yet, but he’s getting there. Oh, and I forgot to mention… I let my kids play outside alone (obviously not the baby yet). They play with bugs and animals, get dirty and have fun. And the worst injuries have been scratches from the cat (and the kids probably deserved it since they were putting the poor animal down the slide) They are learning about their world through experience – and I love it. It’s the way I was raised and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Danielle, it’s not wrong for Jack to like football or for Susie to cook and sew. What’s wrong is to fall asleep at the wheel as a parent and just say, “Gender will take care of itself.” It is up to us parents to fight gender stereotypes actively. No one will do it for us. The corporate and social forces are out there and make no mistake about it, they are powerful. McDonald’s, Disney, and Toys R Us are all counting on you to “fall asleep at the wheel”. The only entity that’s going to challenge them is you and I. Otherwise — they win: Pink aisles and blue aisles in the store. Boxing them in. And nowhere to go if they’re outside the box. So who’s side are you on? The corporations’? Or your child’s?
Danielle, I don’t know if you refered to my post, but if yes, you didn’t get me right. It’s OK to let the kids do what they really like, no matter how stereotypical it is. But neither do I not want to force my daughters out of any behaviour, nor do I want to force them into any behaviour. But I want to encourage them to try something that might be new or unfamiliar. So my elder daughter helps me cooking and she tries to saw wood for a garden hut. And I’d do the same if I had a son. If kids – no matter if they are boys or girls – are supposed to be indipendent adults, they need to now how to prepare meals, and how to do small repairs at home, just as examples.
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Yam, Thank you for your response. I agree that society is not out to teach my kids to be well rounded. That is a huge thing for me actually. I think too many people nowadays feel like its society’s job to raise their kids.
My son helps me cook all the time, an activity I never saw as having a gender assignment actually. My daughter has no interest, she’s still quite young, but I don’t see her interest increasing. She until recently had very few toys that were “hers” She mostly plays with her brothers cars, trucks, balls and stuffed animals. She does LOVE her baby dolls though. She loves to draw and color, an activity my son has absolutely no patience for. But he loves to sit and read with me, which is not her favorite.
I personally don’t think it should be about boy or girl. Its about your child. My son will start both football and soccer this year. He has asked to play both. This is his first year in organized sports so we’ll see what sticks, but I won’t tell him no just because its a stereotype, and I won’t make him continue if he hates it either.
Who knows what my daughter will want to do, for the moment hang out on the sideline and run around in cirlces LOL.
Only just found this site today. Thank GOD for this girl. Bucking the PC trend and about time too. Kids need to be given responsibility from and early age. The main problem with kids today is that they havn’t got a clue what responsibility and accountability are because they are totally shielded from all consequences.
Free ranging from Australia.
We have 3 kids (17,14 & 3) and have instinctively used the free range method from the start.
The two older kids have had some really amazing experiences in their life. Oldest (girl) travelled for 4 weeks through Vietnam and Cambodia in a small organised group with two adult ‘guides’. They had to sort out their own itinerary, budget, internal travel and accommodation. She came back a different kid – aware of the world and keen to go back and help out when she finishes high school this year.
Middle feller wanted money for games, laptop etc. He wandered into town and went from shop to shop asking for work. He was 13 at the time, got a job in a store (which we subsequently vetted and got to know the owners quite well) and has been gainfully employed the past 12 months, evening getting a raise to the same rate as a 16 y/o because he works so hard.
The youngest has no fear of the unknown, is articulate, intelligent and very active and agile. He climbs trees, uses all the equipment at the playground and understands not to go on the road.
We have travelled through Asia as a family, often letting the older two take the younger one to lunch or the shop next to the hotel. They have been looking after him from birth, not only at home, but when we go out. They are better at getting him to behave than us at times, possibly because he adores them so much.
The only reason we are confident about their ability is we watched them grow up with progressively more freedom each time they demonstrated that they were capable of doing things. Riding bikes or skate boards to school from 9 years old (about a 5km ride), but only after having ridden with them since birth (firstly on bike seat, then on their own bikes).
Kids will get hurt. Middle feller has had a finger cut off in an accident, then sown back on, a split head from a fall and a broken arm. The only thing that happened out of our sight was the broken arm. In fact the finger episode was caused by his mum shutting a door and his finger got caught in the hinge side. He had a heart defect (CVT) which caused a few problems from time to time (and a few rides in the back of an ambulance) but after talking to specialists and teaching him how to manage it, we allowed him to continue playing sport. He finally had an operation to fix it (2 year wait for keyhole surgery) and then played Aussie Rules footy 8 days after a 4 hour heart operation. Surgeon said it was fine.
Although I understand fear (none of the above steps occurred without elements of it) I also understand logic. Three kids in a mall in Malaysia are at no more risk than a mall in Melbourne.
We ‘cop flack’ often enough for our decisions and attitudes, but if a 17 year old girl is willing to give up going to Bali with her school friends when they graduate so that she has money to volunteer in a school in Cambodia, then I think our decisions have been vindicated. As for those that think of the dangers of a young adult in Cambodia, the war finished a long time ago, nightclubs in 1st world countries cause problems as well and I know that she is confident and clued in to avoid trouble.
Final word about the middle feller. He with some mates at their place playing games. Good families, we know them socially. They bought out a bong (13 y/o and 14 y/o) and commenced to toke up. He hopped on his bike, came home and told us over the dinner table about it. No big deal was made, and he didn’t think it was a big deal either. He knows about choices and values his fitness, health, finances and a clean record more than trying dope. He made these decisions because we gave him the tools, knowledge and ability to think and act and kept the communication lines open at all times.
Trust them, teach them and let them reward you with their decisions.
We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable task and our whole neighborhood will likely be grateful to you.
Lenore,
Thank you.
Thank you for your wonderful book. Thank you for your wonderful website.
As you mention in today’s blog post, the implications of overprotecting our children go far beyond the immediate consequences. I have been worrying about the long term social, political, psychological and economic implications of over-protection. Now I get to worry about the physiological implications too! I find myself wondering how this overprotected generation will function when they reach adulthood?
Thanks to the guidance in your book and blog, I now worry less about how my own free ranging child will navigate the adult world. My son, if he knew you existed, would thank you too for the independence and self-reliance he enjoys (and, which he complains, his overprotected friends so noticeably lack).
Thanks again for everything.
Yours truly,
ThOR
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I’ve been following Free Range Parenting since Lenore appeared on the Today Show. I was already a Free Range parent at that point but didn’t have the verbage to describe my philosophy. I grew up with helicopter parents, to some degree. They didn’t get as involved with teachers/grades, but they certainly restricted my independence. I remember with irony, having to drive home on the freeway as an 18 year old to go to my father’ funeral. It was my first time driving on the freeway because I had never been allowed to do so by my parents. I’m sure my experience was unique in that my dad died when I was 18. But, I remember feeling completely unprepared to be an adult and having no one to turn to once he was gone. I also have vivid memories of my mom telling me never to talk to strangers. Strangers were BAD!! After my dad’s death, I struggled for two years. With therapy, things have turned out ok, but I certainly struggled with low self-esteem and anxiety. I have taken the opposite approach with my 10 year old son. He started walking home from school alone in 2nd grade. He’s an amazing kid with lots of independence. I enjoy watching him thrive as a free range kid!
Free-range all the way! When I was a kid I walked to kindergarten alone or with a friend every day. So did all my classmates. My kids all started making their own lunches and doing their own laundry in grade 7 and they like it that way and they’ve been getting themselves to school on public transit for years. It makes me sick to see my next door neighbor drive her kid to school every day – to the end of our street! Have my kids ever gotten into trouble? You bet, a problem easily solved by no video games(or something equally painful) for a week. Life is not a series of tragedies waiting to happen. Go Lenore!
I was raised as a Free-Range Kid and I hated it at the time but I’m so grateful for it now!!
When I was 11, I was expected to take the bus to school, get my bus tickets, and walk my butt home if I forgot!
Same when I was 13. If I went to the mall with a friend and blew my bus money, it started raining/snowing etc, there was no point in calling home. My mom’s response was always the same, “you got yourself there so you can get yourself home”…
It was so annoying at the time. I was expected to figure out the world for myself…but by the age of 18, I moved out; and not out of spite! I was a fully grown adult at 18 and confident I could navigate the world without my mommy. Such a great feeling to be confident and free!
On several occasions I’ve thanked my mom for doing what she did. I’ve gone to school on my own (no help, had to figure it out $), have a husband, a career, I’m financially stable! All because I was taught at an early age to be self-reliant.
She worried on occasion but always said to me, ‘I’m a mom. Its my job to worry and your job to figure out your life”.
Best of all…I’m now 28 and mom is my best friend! Thanks mom!
I LOVE this website. I love your wisdom, perspective, common sense, courage and on top of all that, your style of writing cracks me up. I refer people here often, and appreciate that it somehow gives my perspective more validity! When I feel attacked for letting my kids have basic freedom that our society thinks is neglect, I come here for support.
Someone commented that it would be helpful to have a page of statistics. I’d like to second that. I often tell people the quote about how a kid would have to walk around the city for 250,000 years to get abducted, 650,000 if they weren’t back within 24 hours. Sometimes I ask people how long they think it would take for their kid to get abducted in NYC, just to see how they think. One mom guessed ten minutes. Ten minutes?! She didn’t believe me when I told her your 250,000 year quote. Anyway, I feel like these numbers really shock people, and could help liberate them (and hopefully their children.)
Specifically, I’d love to see some numbers on school shootings. I did some research and found less than ten shootings in fifty years, but I don’t know if that’s right. Also, I’d like to know how many schools there are, total, in the US so we can compare the number of schools that haven’t been attacked. I live in Colorado (not near Columbine) and was very frustrated when my son went to our brand new neighborhood kindergarten. I was volunteering at the beginning of the school year when someone got hurt on the playground. I tried to take him in for a band aid, and discovered that the school doors are always locked. Ironically, they only have two teachers on duty to supervise over 100 kids. So then I had to go find a teacher to open the door. Statistically, I think a kid is more likely to bleed to death while we track down a teacher with a key than to have some psycho get into the school. And if said psycho decided to attack a school, would they really be deterred by a locked glass door?? I’m pretty sure they could find a way in if they wanted to. The risk of a kid getting hurt at recess is obviously (to some of us at least) much more significant than the chances of a shooter being deterred by a locked door, at the back of the school, during recess with 100 kids playing. Couldn’t he just shoot them out there? Maybe we need bullet proof domes to protect our playgrounds. Who comes up with this stuff? Do they really think someone’s going to walk around to the back of the school, through the busy playground, find that the door’s locked, then just turn around and go home?? Of course I’m appalled by any violence, and I don’t mean to make light of the horror of school shooting. It’s just that it’s unbelievable to me that people think this is an appropriate, let alone effective, way to deal with their fears.
Finally, I want to rant for a minute about how judgemental people are, and how obnoxious it is when they assume they know what’s best for my kids. (Who, by the way, have been raising eyebrows for 14 years now thanks to their proudly neglectful mama. I have lots of stories!) This is a little different than most of the other topics on here, though. Our 6 year old daughter loves to be in musicals. LOVES it. Last week someone asked me if I was doing it for her, or for myself. Actually asked that to my face. She said it’s not good for kids to be too busy, that they should just get to enjoy their childhood. Seriously? I mean, we’ve all heard about those crazy pagent moms, or the Tiger Mom, but my kid is Gretl in the Sound of Music and I’m a bad guy? So now, on top of all the other stuff I’m supposed to be worried about, I have to apologize for her activities? Maybe the experts will decide that ___ number of (expert sanctioned only) activities per week is developmentally appropriate for children, and anything that deviates from their recommendation is clearly child abuse. (Oh, you’ll love this. My friend also commented that there was an incident of a teacher dating a student last year at the HS where they’re doing the play, so it’s clearly not a safe environment for my young daughter.)
Many thanks, from myself and also my 3 independent, well adjusted free range kids!
Dena
Finally, someone who has the guts to help put an end to this wishy washy style of parenting; people, we are so not doing our kids any favors by babying them. What we’re going to end up with is a generation of basement dwellers in their 30’s, waiting for mommy to come home to cook a meal. It is the generation of treating children like their challenged with no confidence in their abilities.
My kids make their own lunches, do their own laundry, cook meals, help with the house work and are completely independent. My oldest, who is 17, has already been published in a novella, and is currently working on a novel. My two boys, 11 and 13 are awesome, smart, independent children who rarely ever fight. I can leave the two boys on their own and I’ve never had an emergency call on my cell phone, and rarely do they call me at work. I am currently a child and youth counselor, but I used to be a child protection worker, so yes, I know what neglect is and trust me, my kids are not neglected. We have dinner together every night at the table, where we talk about everything. We have family movie nights, and we do lots together, but it’s never forced, or a chore. I don’t have to move at the speed of light to get everything done in a day, because I have the help of my kids; we’re a family, we move together as one.
I am hoping that Lenore’s style catches on, as I have always raised my kids this way; what doesn’t kill them makes em stronger. They need to experience life first hand. My job is to keep a happy safe home for them to re-group in at the end of the day, and let them know they’re loved.
Samantha Farrow
Prince George, B.C. Canada
I like the idea of raising a “free-range” child but I disagree on the reality of living in New York City. I grew up in the 70’s and rode the subway by myself through most of elementary school (age 9 on). There were some close calls (people harassing me) that I never told my parents about.
I would never let my son ride the subway alone at that age. It is difficult enough riding the subway as an adult. People do not always help each other. There are alot of people who are not in their “right mind” and a child alone is a perfect target. I have been on the subway during the day with a man wielding a knife at anyone who looked at him…would I want my child subjected to that? NO WAY!
As far as being at home alone, well that’s a different matter.
Shelley
I just watched your show, Bubble Wrap Kids, and god am I glad my parents were like Lenore as opposed to these terrrrrrible parents showcased! As the middle child, I ended up being the babysitter (especially for “icky” things like when my sisters were sick or my younger sister was too young to be able to wipe-up after using the washroom) which led us to being very close and trusting of eachother. As a 12 year old I held a paper route with my sisters and we went out on our own blocks to deliver and met up at the end of each block. We were encouraged to always say Hello to neighbours or people we pass on the street. As a middleschooler in Toronto I remember my group of girlfriends going out by ourselves as long as we checked in to one of our parents a few hours later or if something happened. As well, we were always encouraged to give a but of change to those in need as we passed by, which developed into a ‘way’ my friends and I lived by, which was to give away money and food (even parts of the meals we were eating) to those who needed it more, many of whom became our friends, and we developed a tight-knit group of dozens of kids, from age 12-25, from richrichrich to homeless, and we were constantly encouraged by our parents to live our lives fully in charitable ways. Getting older as a teen, I began to engage random strangers in conversation, some of which developed into friendships, and when I was dumped by a boyfriend and crying in the middle of the street, an older man engaged Me in conversation which ended up being on of the most meaningful and eyeopening conversations of my life.
All this led me to being a fully capable adult and I moved out of my (any my mother’s) childhood home at age 21. I have completed 2 college technical certificate programs and am on my way to making a name for myself in my field, which I probably would not have done if I had been forced into university like some of my other friends, right after highschool. Instead my parents encouraged me to take a year or two or three off, work in different jobs and see if I can find my niche. This way, I discovered my passions and have only positive influences backing me up.
I am incredibly, incredibly close with my family due to the being able to run wild as a kid. What also helped was to have a cottage, and alot of extended family having cottages on the same private road, where we were expected to take care of ourselves and eachother throughout the day until dinnertime. If we fell down and scraped our knees, we got back up. If we tipped over trying to go over homemade jumps on a bicycle, we patched up and did it all over again.
I very much believe letting kids escape, either in the city or in the country, makes them (us) grow up faster while retaining our youthful tendencies, especially if you have other kids around to be silly with without the watching eye of an overbearing mother.
i LOVE my life and it is due to my parents letting is have free will.
followup: My parents also put my sisters and I into sports from age 3, and school at age 2, so we were exposed to many types of people. We stayed in intense sports and moved on to martial arts in middle school where we gained excellent physical fitness and learned to hone our instincts. While we didn’t stick it out, we learned valuable life lessons such as how to deflect a punch and where to kick so it hurts if someone’s harassing you. We were also given Swiss Army knives in elementary school and were allowed to ride the subway alone. We were not “tough” kids but we were (are) smart and able, as well as fast as lightning thanks to sports, incase we HAD to run. Which luckily only happened once, when myself and a girlfriend got jumped in a park on our way to the mall. We used our defensive training effectively and got out of that situation, hardly breaking a sweat due to physical fitness OR fear. This was not made “scary” by our parents, rather they praised our actions and offered us more martial arts if we wanted to.
LET KIDS PLAY! It CAN save their lives.
I love my four kids. Through the use of free range parenting and Love and Logic I feel my kids are independent, confident, and more mature than their classmates. My oldest two boys (7&8) can do dishes, vacume, they dress themselves, pick out matching clothes, do their laundry, help with the baby, and they also can play outside in our very rural neighborhood, unattended. My 4 year old boy is catching up with their independence. After learning traffic safety, I felt he was ready to explore without his brothers. I asked him to walk to get the mail. 1 minute walk, tops. He did fantastic. But, now I will be meeting a social worker at my home tomorrow! Someone walking by freaked out, yelled at me, and then made a report to social services. Unbeknownst to them, I started my career as a social worker and eventually became a therapist. I know my rights as a parent. So, I will be fighting the good fight tomorrow, defending Free Range Parenting. I don’t know if it is more insulting that someone assumes I’m a bad parent or that my child is incompetent to walk my driveway.
@Becky: GOOD LUCK!! You’ve got a WONDERFUL opportunity to encourage perspective and sanity… let’s all hope they learn the lesson. (crossing fingers) And PLEASE let us know how it turns out!
Yesterday I was trying to balance my toddler daughter, my gym bag, my yoga mat, and avoid the rain as we left the gym. So, I opened the trunk to my SUV and sat my daughter on a blanket inside while I got myself organized. In the five minutes it took me, a man ran to me saying how I was putting my daughter in danger and that he, coincidentally, was a baby-proofer by career. When he asked if I ‘was babyproofed,’ I said emphatically, “No, she lives WITH me. I don’t believe in babyproofing.” He responded that I was asking for trouble and then rattled off his company’s URL as he walked away.
I’m not sure what trouble I’m asking for (in my car or my home!), but I do feel strongly that the best way for her to learn about her environment is to experience it and appreciate it for what it is — dangerous and safe — not be locked away from it just in case something might happen.
If I weren’t so free-range, I might have assumed he was going to attack or mug me and my child.
Hi there –
I loved your book, and I am really enjoying the website. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.
My issue at the moment is this: people’s paranoia about burglars coming into their houses mean that they have loaded handguns. Twice in the last few weeks, children in my state of Colorado have died after shooting themselves or being shot by friends with these handguns.
Risk evaluation, in my mind, requires relative loss assessment. I would rather a burglar take every single possession in my house than lose my child to a handgun accident. But the parents of my son’s friends may feel differently. This is a really complex issue, and I’d love your thoughts on it.
Hi,
I am absolutely a believer in free range kids! My daughter is 5 years old and has been playing outside by herself (in our own yard to start with) since she turned 4.
I grew up telling my mom I was going outside to play and ending up riding my bike at least 5 miles away with all of my friends and only coming home when I was hungry or the streets lights came on (that’s when my mom told us it was time for dinner, bath and bed).
I want my daughter to have the same freedom. I have wonderful memories of my childhood and I want my daughter to have the same.
It also forces them to make decisions and live with their consequences which is how the “real” world is going to treat them.
LONG LIVE FREE RANGE!
Jen
Just an update from my last post, the social worker agreed that the report was ridiculous, supported our right to allow our kids to roam safely, and commended us for how responsible our kids were. Our kids, even our three year old told her how to watch for cars, explained the limits on where and where they could not go, and discussed how they look out for each other while outdoors. So ROAM FREE, free range kids…..it’s legal!
@Becky: HOORAY!
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dear lenore,
i am a 23 year old helikid. i have a question about the logic (or lack of) behind heliparenting–what is it about just, hearing, about incidents, that makes people abandon their common sense to the point that we’re at right now? i mean, i’ve been on a sort of “weather kick” for awhile. im always interested in bad-weather-phenomenon films. last year when we had all of those super-cell storms, when they’d report about it on the weather channel, i was right there explaining things on the maps to my parents. they eventually suggested i go to school for a meteorology course, which i do plan on taking once i finish my practicals from a previous course i took.
but anyway. im “super interested” in weather-related things, yet, when i go out, its without any fear of a freak super-cell storm forming and dropping Dorothy’s house on me. so, what IS it that makes these heliparents so obsessed with the idea that “OMG something might happen to my kids” (keyword MIGHT)?
ariel
Some folks may have the impression that parents who give their kids more freedom and choice do so from day one. That’s not how it happens. As parents, we supervised our kids when they were young as we gave them boundries and guidelines – we made sure they complied with our rules, etc. We stood by and watched as they made their first choices & decisions in different situations, once satisfied that they could do so on their own, we let them.
My daughter got her motorcycle license when she was 17yrs old. Many of our friends thought we were INSANE. My husband & I are both Motorcycle Safety Foundation certified rider coaches, so our daughter was taught risk management, safe riding habits and passed a Basic Rider Course with other instructors (not us). She thoroughly enjoyed it and loves riding. Our one rule with this – she never, ever, ever under any circumstances, rides alone or with anyone else. She only rides with us. Now that she is 20 and off at college, she might hop on a bike and ride, but we know she is prepared with the proper skills to do so.
COMMUNICATION is key between parents and kids. Have *conversations* with your kids about these things, don’t just preach and lecture. Unless kids are exposed to different situations (safe & dangerous) and you allow open dialog between you and them, you will never know what they are thinking, how they perceive things or if they have questions that need to be addressed.
Worried about your daughter riding her bike to the park by herself? Bike with her a few times, explain the safety rules of riding on streets, talk about what to do if a stranger pulls up in a car, be sure she has a proper helmet, etc. Then let her go!
What are these parents who smother their kids do when the child moves away to college. I feel more sorry for the child, who will have NO idea how to cope in the world without mom or dad hoovering over them and their every move.
I love your point of view. I let my kids out in the morning and expect them to be out there playing until dinner. They know the rules, and all I hear from their teachers is how mature they are for their age. I walk my 5 yr old to the bus stop begrudgingly because I can see the stop from my house, but the school makes me do it and the helicopter moms there think I’m the worst parent in the world for making my kid walk, letting my baby sit on the ground, not bundling my kids in obscene amounts of unnecessary clothing. Thank u thank you thank you for underlining how ridiculous helicoptering is!!
Kim – on one of my daughter’s first trips home from college got stuck in another state because of a cancelled flight. She was mature/confident enough to handle the situation, get a hotel, re-book her trip, etc., with no issues. I have no doubt it’s because we let her “do her own thing” while growing up. Yes, of course we got a few phone calls during this process, but she handled it all herself. How great is that?
Had to laugh at your comment about sitting your baby on the ground & the other moms freaking out. I remember when my son was about 2 yrs old – he was running around my mother-in-laws porch, picked up a stick & put it in his mouth. I must add that my mother-in-law is the bomb!! She is so laid back and casual… but she did seem to be a little distressed over this. My response was “that should be the WORSE thing he ever puts in his mouth!” Ya, I took it away.. but really, how many parents do you see picking up a pacifier off the floor in a store and give it back to their kid? Really – it’s just a stick.
Rhiannon,
I think you have it reversed. Kids can be safe with guns around with some simple precautions. There’s no telling where a kid may come across a gun so it’s much safer if you expose kids to guns at levels appropriate to their age, starting with Eddie Eagle (http://www.nrahq.org/safety/eddie/) videos for very young kids. Once kids get into grade school they can be taught to shoot .22s under supervision. Most accidents happen because the gun is a mystery and the kids have no actual experience with them. Once a kid has shot a gun at the range and has an understanding of what it does and how it works, and proper gun safety rules, they’re extremely unlikely to get into the scenarios you are worried about.
Studies have shown people use guns defensively 2 million times a year, but not all of these instances involve someone dying or even a shot being fired. Home invasions may be rare, but kids (excluding gang members involved in the drug trade) hurting each other with guns are much, much rarer. So I’d say the paranoia is on the side of those paranoid about owning guns.
Scott
Thanks Scott –
I grew up handling guns from an early age, in a family of hunters, so I appreciate your link and viewpoint.
Observations over the past few days of my life: Today I subbed as an Educational Assistant in my younger son’s school (grades K4 and K5). The children had waffles as a lunch choice and most of them chose it. The kids wanted their waffles cut into pieces. Problem was, there were NO KNIVES for the kids to use. Only the adults were allowed to have the plastic knives and we had to cut the children’s food. For lunch the cafeteria is filled with 5 and 6 year olds (the K4 classes are part-day only so no lunch). I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! Actually, yes I could and it makes me so upset. When on earth are these kids going to learn how to use a knife to cut their food? And I know too many parents who don’t let their kids use knives at home. While my own 6 year old is no expert with the knife at least he is learning and making his way.
The other observation I had: We are moving soon to a new location, yet another US military base. I was reading through the Housing Handbook online (we are being required to live on base–again–for my husband’s job) and I came upon these rules: Children under 10 may not be at the playground without an adult (parent or guardian) and NO TRAMPOLINES in the backyard! WHAT??? First of all, my 6 year old does not want me sitting around at the playground while he explores and learns and plays. I already have this issue at our current base, no kids under 12 (yes, 12!!) at the playground without adult supervision. RIDICULOUS!! And what is with no trampolines?? Our trampoline has the safety net and it’s a great way for the kids (and us grown-ups) to get out some energy and have a great time. And aren’t we told all the time about the country’s obesity/couch potato epidemic?
Ugh.
@ Kris C: on that second Restriction–from the way theyve been ‘dumbing down’ playgrounds lately, no one over the age of 12 is going to WANT to go to the playground, adult supervision or not!
🙂
-ariel
I just want to say THANK YOU. I’ve read your book and have followed your blog for some time and it is life-changing. I have a nearly 2 1/2 year old and I am already facing “free range” issues. My husband and I are trying hard to not buy into the unfounded fears of our cohort but it feels like an uphill battle! I am determined to allow my child the freedoms that I had as a child…riding his bike, playing in the field down the street, walking to friends houses alone, etc. Reading your book and blog give me the reinforcement I need that it is OK!.
You know Scott, you have a point. I’m pro gun control, but if people are going to own guns, they should be required to learn to use them safely, including kids. I also think self-defense courses should include lessons in How Not to Have Your Gun Used Against You. If we’re all going to get strapped, let’s learn safe gun use.
Re: gun issues. I am kind of in the middle here. I don’t think people should have small hand guns in their home, as they are only meant to shoot people. I do understand the need for people to feel protected, and if that is what they need to feel protected, who am I to judge, as long as it is locked up and the people in the house have proper knowledge, to each his own. We have a .22 rifle, my husband wanted it, he’s a marine and likes to go to the range… For that reason, if my son has a toy gun, or makes one out of a stick or whatever I am insistant, “We do NOT point guns at people” Its a basic gun safety rule, don’t point at anything you don’t intend to shoot. But I have come up against eye rolls and “oh, he’s always pretending to shoot people” Well there is a gun in my home (I tell people before they bring their children) and in this house we do not point at people and pretend to shoot. PERIOD.
I’m chiming in on the gun issue here. I grew up in the loosey-goosey 50’s, but even then, in Ottawa, Ontario, my Dad, who had guns, kept them locked in a gun cabinet, with the ammo locked in another separate cabinet. It was his insistence that we didn’t ever deviate from this basic safety measure. My Mum wouldn’t let us point ANYTHING at each other, if we were pretending it was a gun.
We got the guns out from time to time, and had family target-shooting exercises in a safe place, taking all precautions (except in those days nobody wore goggles) and Dad even took whoever wanted to go hunting with him when they were old enough. But other than those specific times, the guns were locked away. Now, here in Canada, it is the law that any gun not actively in use be locked in a safe cabinet, unloaded. And it works. People aren’t shooting each other, and they aren’t being robbed any more often that in the US, in fact, pretty much anywhere in Canada you are less likely to be robbed or raped or murdered or shot (accidentally or on purpose) I think that responsible people can keep guns – but that includes the use of a locked cabinet in which to keep them when they’re not in use. Prevent heartbreak – lock ’em up!
yes, if I was unclear, our rifle is locked up, and the trigger thing (clearly I am not a gun enthusiast) is out and locked seperately. So even if the kids were to find it, and unlock the case they still couldn’t shoot it.
Danielle and Caroline, all I can say is if people are going to keep guns, we need more gun owners like you guys.
When I was about ten years old my parents and I were in Copenhagen. When we first arrived we were going to take the subway to our hotel and had all our baggage with us. My parents stressed to get on the subway car and made it just in time. The only problem was that they forgot something: Me.
Now, FEAR AND TERROR!!!! Neh.. I got on the next ride for the two stops before my father even had a chance to double back and get me. Since I had been paying attention when they were discussing where to go, I had no problem with getting there on my own.
In a big city.
At age ten..
The moral of this story is, if your treat your kids as responsible PEOPLE, they will be! Believe me, I know.
The reason that I am and always have been a happy, confident person because my parents had the brains to teach me the things I needed to know to be an individual at an early age. I encourage all parents to do as mine did. There is not a better gift than the ability to cope on your own.
I remember at the age of 10 riding my bike with my 8-year-old brother about three miles to the nearest fast food place to spend my baby-sitting money (yes, I baby-sat for pay another family in the neighborhood’s 2-year-old) on French fries. My parents didn’t even know we did that–we just said we were going for a bike ride. We even took a map of the area so we wouldn’t get lost. Kids these days don’t even know how to read a map.
My 8-year-old and 7-year-old walk home from school together by themselves. They also play out in the neighborhood from when their homework is done until dinner or dark, whichever comes first depending on the season. I don’t understand how parents can expect their children to gain any sort of independence if they aren’t ever allowed to do things on their own.
Another good article on NPR today…”Helicopter Parents Hover In The Workplace”. http://www.npr.org/2012/02/06/146464665/helicopter-parents-hover-in-the-workplace
Here’s another story that may interest other free-rangers out there. I’m glad to see the French are so free range in parenting, but I guess the author and reviewer were unaware there are many similar parents in the Anglosphere. I also like the way they explain that allowing children freedom and encouraging self-reliance doesn’t equate to allowing children to do whatever they like, and leads to more, not less, disciplined kids.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html
Last Saturday’s Toronto Star Insight & Books section had an excellent article on how to create independent, capable children, starting in infancy. you can find it here: http://www.thestar.com/news/insight/article/1126210–french-mothers-are-calmer-bringing-up-bebe-by-pamela-druckerman
If one begins as one means to go along, it is far easier – this kind of childrearing creates children who are confident in their own abilities and their own control over themselves. Although it isn’t entirely on this point, the article offers some insights into a “method” that will help children develop independence right from the get-go. Hope you enjoy it!
Mom went into the Dollar Tree on our way back to the house. While dad and I were in the car waiting, about 20 kids came by (also heading to dollar tree). They mustve been straight from classes, cause they had their backpacks. Dad commented on how heavy their bags looked and said he’d never had that much to carry that he’d need a pack like these. That got me wondering; what IS up with the sumo backpacks? What, since no one goes outside anymore they think super sized homework loads will keep them entertained? Its not new to me though; my mom bought me a backpack on wheels when I hit sixth grade. But still, it’s pretty crazy. Most full grown adults don’t bring that much stuff home from work at the end of the day!
And here I’d thought it was an Israeli thing, ’cause Israeli schools don’t have desks with storage with those lift-up covers or compartments. And many junior high and high schools don’t have lockers. So what’s up? I agree — those brick-loaded backpacks are crippling? Why does it have to be?
Where I am at backpacks are pretty small, but that is only out of ridiculousness. The packs have to be small enough to fit inside the locker, since middle and high schoolers are not allowed to carry around the school anything big enough to “conceal” things in. The girls are subject to a “size inspection” of any new purses/shoulder bags they bring. They can NOT be big enough to carry a book in. How stupid is that! I live in a rural area where people have known people since they were born. I often run into the nurses who helped deliver my kids, and its like front page news if a new family moves to town. Its a very “I’m going to tell your momma I caught you trying to shoplift, and she’s gonna be mad as hell” kind of place. What do these administrators think these kids are hiding??
When I was growing up in the ’80s we mostly didn’t use backpacks because they weren’t considered “cool.” But I had the big stack of books under one arm coming home many nights. The ban on backpacks for fear of weapons is quite ridiculous. I’ve also heard of some schools requiring clear plastic backpacks and bags.
Still with a Kindle going for <$100 these days, and many suitable tablets going for <$200, there's no reason for schools not to make all these books available in eBook formats so kids don't have to carry any books around. Of course, since carrying books may be the only exercise they get these days… 😉
Lenore, I was breezing the internet and found a blog entry that referenced you! I became infuriated at the comments!
http://www.modernmom.com/blogs/alexa/bubble-wrap-kids
Here’s another article that may be of interest. It wasn’t that great overall, but it did include this assertion that I hadn’t heard and which I found interesting: “I think it began in the fall of 1982, when seven people died after taking extra-strength Tylenol laced with poison after it left the factory”.
What do you all think–was the Tylenol tampering incident the tipping point that led to the epidemic of helicopter-parenting?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html
When I was in primary school, I utterly loathed anything that differentiated me from my classmates and was constantly begging my mum and dad to act the way everyone else’s parents did (I’m 18 now). This experience made me swear to never put my own children through such an experience, if I have any. However, I don’t want to be a helicopter parent. With the present culture of fear (and living in a city with a reputation for mass murderers and a history of child abductions) I have to choose between repeating my parents mistakes, or repeating my peers mistakes.
Totally for it……cautiously as I have 3 kids under 4 years old. One of which is a 25-day old baby boy who is healthy after a 10 day stint in the NICU.
I wanted to contact you as yesterday my blog hit the one year mark. I gave you an honorable mention in yesterday’s post as you are an influence to my writing.
I wish you more success on an already thriving and tremendously successful blog and thank you for your philosophy/movement. Thank you!
Just saw this in the NY Times online edition this morning. Are schools trying to totally prevent kids from being kids?
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/02/22/should-preschoolers-have-homework/?src=recg
German kindergartens (preschools) don’t give any written homework, even for the kids who will be starting first grade the next year. Every once in a while, the kids would have “homework.” But it was very different from what one would expect. One year parents were asked to go out with their kids to gather pine branches and cones for a Christmas art project. But there was no requirement to do it. My son loved that assignment because it entailed both gathering sticks and passing by a construction site. The kids in the oldest group were the ones who each got to say a few lines in the annual St. Martin’s Day pageant. When my son was in the group that was graduating that year, his “homework” was to memorize his two small lines for the pageant.
Kids in Germany don’t start formal reading or math instruction until ages 6.5 to 7, when they start first grade. They spend their preschool years playing and learning to socialize with each other. Even with the “late start” they end up finishing ahead of their US counterparts on worldwide math and reading tests. I think that free play actually prepares kids for school better than worksheets at age 4. But I would definitely be in the minority in the States with that opinion.
Education is a topic that I get kind of involved in. My husband is a teacher and also two sisters. The US actually has a very good system, with excellent teachers and some of the best universities in the world. The test scores, I believe are skewed because the US insists on testing everyone. Some kids are not going to test well. Also I don’t understand why a “C” has somehow recently become a totally unexceptable grade. When I was in school if you worked your butt off and did everything you could and got a “C” it wasn’t bad teaching or the teacher being mean. It meant you didn’t excell in that subject, so you did what you could to pass and then you moved on. We’re not all mathmaticians, or scientists. I have no desire to disect literature. Not every person is going to be college bound. But whats wrong with a vocational school, or the military? Someone has to do those jobs, and they are just as important as a banker or lawyer or doctor. I can guaruntee you when the banker needs a car repair he pays someone, and the lawyer calls a plumber when the water heater explodes. It bothers me that as a culture we look down on people in professions like that, but rely on them so much. If your aptitude is in construction, then by all means be a construction worker. “Blue collar” work is not beneath my children or my family. Work is work, and if it puts food on our table and a roof over our head, I don’t care how the money is made.
I don’t think American children are behind. I think american parents push thier children to excell at subjects they don’t necessarily excell at and then become angry with the education system when thier child fails at something they had no real desire to attempt. When you compare the american child who is destined to become a hairstylist against the japanese child who is an astrophysisist (sp?) then yes, it looks like the american child is behind.
I’ll end with an excellent quote “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid” – Albert Einstien
Danielle, I agree with you 100%, nor could I have said it better! I am so tired of the attitude that if you don’t have a degree in something, you’re a loser. I was in the top 3% of my class and “should” have graduated from college (I did attend for three semesters and did very well). But for various reasons, I elected to choose another path in my life and I’m very happy. But once in a while, I get that bad feeling, like I’ve failed somehow. I know it’s untrue, but that message gets pounded in our brains constantly.
My son is eight and we homeschool him. Like every kid, he’s better at some things, but not as good in others. If he chooses to go to college, great! He’ll have to pay for it himself because his father and I don’t believe it’s our duty to do so. Or if he chooses seminary, trade school, starting a business, waiting tables, or digging ditches, that’s fine. Naturally, we’ll urge him to make good use of his God-given talents. But as long as he is happy and is able to support himself and any family he may have by moral and legal means, more power to him!
ncdads:
With 3 children under 4, I should think that caution is the best approach. I have the one, who is now 19, and I tried to let him have some freedom to become independent, but I don’t remember that he was ready to be independent until 6 or 7. My experience is that it’s best to be guided by the kid. In my town, the kids all seemed to become determined in 5th grade that they should be able to walk back and forth from the school bus on their own. We’re in the suburbs, but he had to cross a busy street used by a lot of commuters, so it was a bit angst-filled for me. As I remember, for a while I went with him to the corner and watched him across the busy street in the morning, and I think that originally I went to the corner and waited in the afternoon. But it frequently became clear that the afternoon one was plain silly, because the street wasn’t all that busy at 3 PM. So I quit on that and soon enough I quit on the morning as well, since he was clearly doing as good a job as I could of looking both ways. We’d lived on that busy street since he was born, and about a year before he was born a child visiting a neighbor was seriously injured chasing a ball. But I think that people who live on dead-end streets, etc. tend to be less careful about teaching their children how dangerous a street can be. When my son was 2, he stood on Main Street and lectured the pigeons about landing on the street. “No, birdies, no. Don’t go on street!” The pigeons, luckily, were all fine, but it did make me quite confident that he understood the dangers. But he was nervous when younger about going places on his own, and I think that what you need to do is be very aware and very responsive the moment that they express a wish to do something on their own. As a child, I was pushed to do things that scared me, and I think that was a mistake; I was very timid for a long time.
TEDxDetroit 2011: Dr Anthony Debenedet
http://www.youtube.com
He advocates for actually rough-housing with your kids to make them more creative! Yay!!!
Christine: I watched the videos with a kind of mixed feelings. On the one hand it’s great to see how much fun the kids are having with their parents, on the other hand: do we really need classes to learn how to play that way? And I think it’s sad that there always has to be a benefit, it is fun and that should be enough. But even in a catalogue of a company that sells childrens’ things, every toy is described as useful for creativity, increasing motoric skills, etc. etc.
I love to play this way with my daughters, I do a kind of fun wrestling with my elder daughter and even my little one likes it to be tossed. Sometimes I hold her in my arm and then I pretend to let her fall (of course I catch her safely) and she loves it. Interestengly it’s mostly me who plays with them like that, my husband doesn’t play that physically.
My elder daughter is visiting a class called “Ringen und Raufen” in her day care center. I tried to find an appropiate translation, first I wanted to translate it literarily, then it woud be something like “wrestling and scuffling” but then I stumbled about the word “Roughhousing” in my online dictionary. But it’s not exactly the same like what Anthoy Debenedet does, it’s more about fun fighting I think and of course there are no parents. My daughter likes it so much. The kids have the possibility to let off steam and learn to observe the rules at the same time.
For!
One thing I do, besides let my kids out of my sight, is let them climb. They climb trees. They climb fences. They climb backstops and on too of dugouts. People freak out. I think it’s a great way for them to develop coordination, core strength, and awareness of their body. 🙂
I totally agree with you, Stacie. I was too much of a chicken when I was a kid to climb anything. I wish I had because you are so right, I see the difference between me and the people I grew up with in terms of body awareness and strength!
Here is a relevant article from Salon: Parenting Secrets of a College Professor. After seeing how parents of college students hover over their offspring the author concludes, “I am going to do my best to stay a ramp agent and try not to helicopter, waving my flags on the tarmac — even if sometimes that waving gets frantic.” http://www.salon.com/2012/02/28/parenting_secrets_of_a_college_professor/
It is true that people shouldn’t see perverts everywhere. In fact to behave that way does not help to educate about, prevent or to heal sex abuse. But, in reading the comment thread on the Teacher’s Pet blog entry I have seen that on this forum it is perfectly acceptable for a person that sexually assaulted a young child (as stated in his own book), confessed, convicted, jail-time served, now on the sex offender registry (all in less than 12 years)…. to make untrue, cruel and hurtful statements about all survivors of sex abuse. This forum actually attracts that because of the ignorant, misguided alignment with sex offenders. Let’s face it, I know you all think you are being oppressed by the world, but in reality you all have very privileged, nice, free lives and in reality you are all good parents that actually do protect and look out for kids, that’s why you are a part of parenting forums like this. But, in all your self-righteous, ridiculous, manufactured complaining about issues that have no real impact on your lives you are actually hanging out online with sex offenders and bolstering their cause. I really don’t think that was the intention. I think the author of this site is a kind and caring person, who genuinely cares about children. But, she has chosen to take on the issues of sex abuse from a very uneducated place. Although I’m sure she is extremely well educated in other areas of life and parenting. It is clear that she is in fact a wonderful mother, that any child would be blessed to have. But, her otherwise helpful shtick unfortunately includes taking on a topic she really has no business dealing with. I agree, we should not be helicopter parents, but I do not agree with contributing to the ignorance that surrounds child sex abuse and perpetuating myths that are harmful to sex abuse survivors (those that are still children and the grown up ones).
My 7yo daughter will climb any tree in sight. When I come out of our local supermarket, she is sitting in a tree waiting for me. I sometimes get dirty looks from other parents, presumably because they think she is tempting their kids to copy her, but I couldn’t care less. She also scales big cliffs like a mountain goat when we are holidaying at the coast. She also just last week started walking home from school by herself. In fact, at first I forced her to do that as a punishment (long story) because she hated the thought of having to walk alone. She left the school crying (while I drove home – I came from work) and arrived home smiling because halfway home she suddenly realised how cool the freedom that came with the responsibility actually was. I got a real thrill out of that. She now walks herself home most days. The other day it was pouring with rain and she arrived home soaking wet, but she did not complain at all. That’s another one of my pet peeves: parents being so overprotective about their children experiencing the weather! Coping with cold or wet weather teaches kids resilience. And I know that from my own experiences as a child.
I got a negative impression from this blog, but I just saw the FB page and the people posting there are much more reasonable, intelligent, less nutty. Except for the one paranoid guy that thinks everyone thinks he’s a pedophile when he takes his kids to the park (trust me dude, no one thinks that…it’s all in your head, and I’m so sorry you have to live that way). I guess the FB people are more reasonable because it is less anonymous, their friends read what they write, less trolling. Sometimes it does make me laugh, though, because I get the feeling of, “Well, when I was a kid we used to walk up hill both ways, 10 miles in the snow, wearing shoes that cost a nickel and carrying knives and scissors so the guy in the wagon could sharpen them for us” (although I think it’s awesome that people used to send their kids running down the street with knives and scissors so the guy in the wagon could sharpen them, cracks me up, but maybe that’s just where I was from). I don’t quite encounter the things the people on this site seem to be encountering. I think it may be that older parents are dealing with this, or maybe in certain locations it is more prevalent. Be “free range” all you want to be (it’s wonderful), just remember to enjoy it and be a little less uptight and to take time to get to know people a little, they may not think the things you think they think and they may have an interesting back story. Try to sometimes notice the pleasant things around you, instead of grumbling and complaining all the time (life is short and you only live once). And I think everyone can benefit from understanding just how blessed they and their children really are. Not everyone got to have the awesome childhoods you are all talking about from your own childhoods (I tear up a little when I read it). You were all much more sheltered from the harsher realities of life than you realize, and you got to have an actual childhood. So, have a little gratitude. And of course I totally agree that our children’s teachers serve a valuable purpose in their lives. I hope everyone will be kind and grateful to the teachers. Also, don’t be mean to sex abuse survivors (children or adults), and if people are talking about it don’t feel threatened, it’s not about you or your kids (it’s about the other kids that it’s happening to that need to know it is safe to tell someone).
I’m all for Free Range Parenting, but responsible parenting. Too many people look at a concept such as this and think that it means that you pretty much ignore your kids and let them do what they like without educating them or giving them guidelines, or safety lines. From such a view they rubbish it, seeing only how it can be taken to extremes and not how it can be used to help your children be more capable and self confident.
I saw this article today, thought it summed up some of the issues we face today pretty well (and yes, I’m Australian)
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/opinion/when-did-letting-children-go-out-in-public-alone-become-a-crime/story-e6frg6zo-1226287575520
So happy that there are still people out there that aren’t suffocating their kids with rules and excessive guide lines. Safety is obviously priority number one but if a kid never falls and cuts their knee or finds their way home from a friends house, how are they supposed to learn anything and develop into independent people. To put it frankly people are just a little to crazy when it comes to parenting these days. There’s parents that enroll their kid in every sport under the son and send them to athletic training schools when their five, in the hopes they’ll be D1 athletes and a get a full ride to college. Its really sad to see, let the kid play sports the fun way, in the back yard or the driveway where they really want to be, Childhood is about having fun and learning lessons at the same time, not building a “resume” of talents to get into a top notch college. Thank you for creating this website and raising awareness of the insanity that is modern day parenting.
I am the mother of four unschooled boys aged 13, 11, 8 and almost 6. I am definitely for free range parenting. My boys go to the park and the convenience store by themselves. I can drop them off at the YMCA to go swimming and pick them up when they’re done (In the summer they can walk, but it’s pretty cold at the moment). They cook (as do I), do the laundry, unload the dishwasher, make their beds and entertain themselves. They are responsible for going to sleep and waking up on their own and for their own personal hygiene. And I rarely tell them to do anything – they do it because they want to. (Now I’m not suggesting that they are some new breed of super children – my second son wants to do the laundry when he runs out of pants. My oldest son wants to unload the dishwasher when there are no clean utensils left in the drawer or when I can’t cook a meal because items I need are in the dishwasher). My oldest son recently got a chunk of money for his Bar Mitzvah and (gasp) he is controlling his own finances. My mother felt strongly that I should put his money in a savings bond or a GIC or that I should investigate the best investment for him, but I felt just as strongly that this was an opportunity for him to learn to manage his own finances. He decided on a high interest savings account and a checking account. He does online banking and has ordered pizza online and paid with his debit card. At first he was a bit of a big shot, taking his brothers and the neighbour’s daughter to the convenience store to get them all treats. But tonight he slipped out to the convenience store alone because he decided that he didn’t want to spend his money on treats for his brothers as often. He is spending his money on things he wants, but is by no means blowing the whole wad. And even if he did it would be a relatively painless learning experience. I generally don’t get flack from others for my boys’ freedom, but once when sons 2 and 3 were aged 10 and 7 I got a call from the TTC (Toronto Transit) after they asked an employee to direct them to their bus from the subway platform. He said “Are you aware that your children are riding the subway alone?” I said “Yes”. He said “They asked where the Finch 39 West bus was.” I said “Yes, that’s their bus.” He said “OK, well you can see why I was concerned.” I thought, “Not really” but said “Yes, thank you.” He said “OK then, I guess I’ll show them where the bus is.” And they came home. I figure if David Farragut could be entrusted with the responsibility of bringing a captured ship safely to port at the age of twelve, my kids can ride on the public transit with a cell phone in case they need help.
Lenore – I’m all for free-range parenting, devoured the book, watch the show, and follow this blog. I’m not sure if you’re still in the Toronto area but I’m wondering what your reaction is to the Tori Stafford case, now that details of her abduction and murder are being released to the media? What are the strategies for maintaining FRK principles when coping with such horrible visual images of a girl who was snatched during her first walk home from school? Help!
I grew up on army estates and had very free range childhood – but it was the same as all the other kids around me – sometimes we roamed too far and got into trouble – I remember cycling 6 miles with my brother to visit my parents at their workplace in the barracks when we were 9 or 10 – 6 miles of German country roads – and against the express permission of our child minder! we were more in trouble for disobeying the child minder and frightening her than the fact of the cycle ride. Fast forward nearly 40 years and I have been reported twice by my son’s headmaster to social services because I put my 4½ yr old son on a public bus which goes 2 miles and 1 stop to his school -we live in a rural area – not the city – he doesn’t have to cross any roads by himself and each time the social services have informed me it is my choice – the last time though the police were involved – what next? is the headmaster going to deliberately going to arrange for my child to be knocked down in the car park where the children are dropped off by the parents who drive their kids to school, just to prove I am neglecting my child? – You know I am a bit of a scared parent sometimes – we all have our foibles and I can’t go to bed at night without physically checking he is breathing – but I do struggle to understand why the school can’t work with me on this one – he’s not on his own on the bus there are 6 other children from our village, I’ve given him a preprogrammed phone that allows him to dial simply by selecting mum, dad, home from the contacts list, he has a hi-vis jacket, he’s accompanied to the bus in the morning and collected from the stop on his return
Last week a very unfortunate incident happened at our local soccer fields on game day. A parent stopped to let their child out of the car so they could walk to their field. The car behind them foolishly and impatiently whipped around them(in a no passing area) and hit their child breaking their leg. The person driving the car had to have known a kid was being dropped off and the parking lot was full of kids coming and going.
Now as a result, we are being asked to not drop kids off but to park and walk our children to the fields. I am sorry but I am not parking my van and getting out my 3 yr old and 1 yr old to walk my almost 10 yr old to her field. Besides the fact that she is perfectly capable of making her way to the field, my walking her isn’t going to stop foolish driving like what took place. Also it seems like I’d be putting my little ones in more harm by getting them out than just dropping her off.
Yet another example of how one lone accident suddenly creates an unnecessary rule. Personally, I think my almost 10 yr old should feel offended that I would need to walk her to practice!
Also, free range has been a bit of a struggle for me as our son died in a freak accident, but on good days i recognize it for what it was, an accident, and am determined that my other children will grow up with the confidence, courage, and maturity that comes from being free range. One thing I have noticed is that free-range is catchy. Once we started letting our kids leave our front yard and ride bikes and go across the street to play in a big field and small wooded area our neighbors have followed suit. It thrills me that our kids can gather with other kids in the neighborhood and pretend to be spies in the woods or pretend to be explorers in the wilderness or whatever else their imaginations come up with. The girl next door commented the other day, “I hardly ever watch TV anymore. I am always outside!”
Rachel
Oh Rachel, I am praying that it will be catchy in our neighbourhood because at the moment I feel like a freak! I recently started to allow my 7yo to walk home from school on her own. I make sure I get home from work by the time she is home. Though last week I also allowed her to walk home to an empty house and wait for me to come home – about 30-40 mins later – instead of being bored at After School Care. But when she called me when she got home as agreed, she told me that the neighbour across the road had offered to take her with to her granddaughter’s horse riding lesson. I had to call the neighbour to talk her out of it – my daughter would have had to sit on a bench for 1.5 hrs! – and to assure her that my daughter was safe at home and that I would not have allowed her to stay home alone if I didn’t trust her.
So far I have not had one person that I have told about this agree with me when I explain why I do this. All of them treat me like I am irresponsible, negligent or even stupid. The latter especially when they launch into a list of what-ifs, as if I had not at all considered any risks before I made this decision. Child abductors, traffic, unruly teenagers, emergencies at home, “what if the dog runs out”… To those who will listen I will try to explain that I have done a risk/benefit analysis on all of those things and am doing this because I think it is the best thing to do for my child’s development. But I feel so alone in this right now.
So thank goodness for this website! I told someone today that I am not alone in this and that there is a whole movement of “nutcase parents” like me out there and that I hope that they will get heard and gain popularity.
And Rachel, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are a very, very brave woman and your kids are so lucky to have you as their mother.
And now I am about to become a three-post-nutter…
All the criticism seems to just amplify all the what-ifs that of course I do think of. But on a very selfish level. I think: “What if my child is the one in a million that gets abducted. Then all those people will say *Told you so* and make life even more unbearable.” That sound really bad when I read it, but my brain is going a hundred miles an hour here and I am trying to express some of the mental barriers involved in adopting a free-range parenting attitude as I think of them.
Our goal is to raise a happy, well adjusted and independent adult, which we strongly believe free range parenting is a key part of (given our upbringing in the 70’s and 80’s and the results). I just hope the rest of society starts to come around before its too late and we end up with a majority of anxious, poorly adjusted dependent adults who will have no idea how to raise their own children.
@jj: too late! (well not really, but what do you call what’s going on on shows like Teen Mom and stuff? According to my homepage (yahoo), snooki’s pregnant. I know they aren’t exactly HeliKids, but I don’t exactly think they know what to do with a kid. Or they may BE the grown up HeliKids themselves.)
I have wondered for awhile what the hype was about, ’90s kid power’ or whatever. But I thought about it and realized: 1)alot of things that went on back then are being banned right now 2)back then not too many people had cable, so we only got the local news at certain times and if you missed it that was it; there were also a lot less people with channels playing things like ‘the law & order svu weekend marathon’ or lifetime movie network’s ‘stolen youth Sunday’ comin up where they’re going to overload your tv with movies about children being kidnapped. At least that’s what I remember.
90s KIDS UNITE!!!!!
(joke)
Child number 2 aka “Satan Jr” was 4 years old, his training wheels had been removed from his bike at the age of 3 due to the noise driving me crazy,and he decided that he whould ride his bike down a steep grassy hill onto an football oval, first 2 attempts proved successful but on the third the front wheel hit a uneven bit of grass, bike stops….. “Satan Jr” flies over handlebars arms outstretched like superman and lands face first on the grass then slides about a metre…he lifts his head, spits out the grass and cries….. another childs father picks him up as I am on the ground laughing… wish i had the video camera with me…
RBM, when I was two, I was on a sled being “driven” by my brother. Sled hits a mogul, I, a little bundle, go flying. My mom is watching from the top of the hill, her heart in her throat. I land in the snow. The end. : )
I grew up not coming home unless I could hear my mom yelling, “LUNCH!” from the balcony. Our rule was not allowed out until 11 a.m. and in when the street lights came on. I am raising my almost 10 yr old son the same way. I take a deep breath and go clean something, enjoy my knitting, read a book or make lunch then do that exact same yell from my back door.
I ran a daycare for 4 years. It was hell in the winter suiting up 2 babies and a toddler to walk the kids to the END OF MY DRIVEWAY to catch the bus because that’s what the parents insisted. After I “cleaned” out my daycare and learned to interview properly, the 4 yo twins I cared for were allowed to walk all the way down the street (about 1/2 a block and within eyesight) to my friend’s house (who was also a caregiver) and she’d put them on the bus which picked up in front of her house. The odd time the babies couldn’t sleep and I wanted to take them for a walk, the twins made it VERY clear to me I was NOT to take the kids for a walk until they were on the bus (which meant I was not allowed to walk them to the bus). They would get MAD. Their parents? LOVED their kids’ independence. Imagine having 3 kids, working full-time and having 4 yo twin boys running out of the house to play with the other kids on the street. Try to stop an concerted escape plan!
I’ve just come to a terrible realization. The over educated are inventing problems in their own children, to compensate for their own guilt at their percieved lack of parenting skills. I.e. “if little johnny isn’t walking at over a year, its not because I refuse to LET him walk, and won’t put him down or let anyone else. Its because he has a gross motor delay and clearly needs interventional occupational therapy” or “Suzie is having reading issues in school, but that can’t possible be because I have never taken the time to actually read to her, but obviously because she has a learning disability”
This may sound a wrong. But I just want to scream at people, my son doesn’t have any problems and neither does yours! Not because I think he is a super genius the likes of which the world has never seen, but because he is just a normal little kid. At almost four he can maybe recognize 10 letters of the alphabet. Not because he’s slow, but because he’s never really been curious about them. He knows probably about twenty sight words, but I wouldn’t bet he could tell you all the letters in those words. And I only know he knows them by sight because he started saying them when he saw them on different things (not his regular storybooks) He does know the name of every construction vehicle he’s ever seen, can tell you the definition of symbiotic and give you several examples and tons of math stuff. He asks about all that, and I answer him. When he asks “who, what, where, when or why” I give him the real answer, and if I don’t know, we look it up together.
I am by no means saying that there isn’t a kid who has problems, and maybe your kid does. What I am saying is that of the 15 or 20 kids that I know who have been put through more tests than months they’ve been alive… maybe one of them has an actual issue. And there are still parents who keep looking for a problem even after all the tests come back saying their kid is fine.
What I am really saying is, we are all good parents. You don’t have to have some horror story about one thing or another. It doesn’t take flashcards and your baby can read and the best montessori exorbitant sum of money preschool for you to be a good parent, or for your kid to go to an ivy league school, or be a success. It takes your time, your energy, your devotion to the act of actually being with your child and doing *gasp* the things he/she wants to do! You don’t need a “how-to” guide to raise children. They’ll tell you what they want and need. Are you listening?
I’m sorry, I’ve had a really long day with a lot of stupid people. I’m not even sure this is the appropriate forum for my little tirade. But I needed to get some of this out there….
Warning: This will be a long, not-very-organized post. Someday it’ll be a blog post, when the “statute of limitations” is up / no one will be able to identify who I’m referring to, but first off, Danielle F, YES!!!
I was noticing how a certain girl I know walks: shoulders hunched, head down, pigeon-toed, drags her feet. Classic insecure, inferiority pose. I told the mom I’d noticed this by the pool (somehow people are less threatened if you mention it’s ’cause you’re a lifeguard) and she told me that Daughter is in therapeutic riding. Here’s where I start questioning the entire Therapeutic X (art, dance, drama, riding — you name it, it’s been made into a “therapy”) industry. I believe this particular kid’s time would be more productively spent in 1-2 sessions with a physio or occupational therapist who would tell her: “Pick up your chin and your feet. Good. Now I want you practicing that for one minute tomorrow, then two the next day, while you sing your favorite song either aloud or to yourself” etc. etc.
It may or may not alleviate her insecurity, but her posture and breathing apparatus will surely improve, which may in turn have an effect on her psyche. What’s clear to me is that whatever her issue is, therapeutic riding is not only not addressing it, it’s killing a fly with a cannon. I feel I can speak from experience: my eldest having done art therapy at age 10, at a certain point cried and begged to stop; and No. 2 had music therapy at age 7 (because she averted her gaze from adults), which she laughs at now, saying all she got out of it was learning the lyrics to The Jungle Book.
A mother of twins I know was told by the preschool teacher that the boy always asked the girl’s permission before engaging in an activity. Result: Mom enrolls son in judo, “to bolster his self-confidence”. Whoa, Cowgirl. That’s an Evel Knievel leap if I’ve ever heard one. First of all, I assume this is not uncommon twin — even close-in-age-siblings — behavior. I actually think it’s sweet: There’s obviously a bond and he trusts her implicitly. Next: Would anyone have noticed if the genders were reversed? Or would it just have been cute that Sister runs to Brother for advice? Third: At age two or three, why is this a problem behavior regardless? I’d say much past kindergarten, there might be concern about autonomy, identity, etc. But preschool? I don’t’ think so. Unless a two-year-old is not reacting at all to / totally disruptive to her surroundings, I say leave her alone. And if you deem judo beneficial, then why not enroll them both?
I actually think most kids who have behaviors or issues could benefit more from a hands-on, age-tailored workshop in Picking Up on Social Cues and Learning to Read Your Social Map. It should be conducted by a Marine drill sergeant — no huggy-wuggy — who would tell them, “Kids, you’re not fitting in, and you may never fit in. But here’s how to survive.” Seriously. I could have used it. I went to therapy when I was 14 and 15 and the first therapist told me I was argumentative and opinionated (really?) and tried behavior mod so I’d be more accepted by my peers (read: compliant); the second one was nice, but didn’t have a clue how to help me feel better about myself or fit in socially.
This from a mom friend: “Plony was having trouble and we enrolled him in sports and guess what: He’s cured. Around December break he started symptoms like quacking and making his eyes really big. He was stuttering and fighting with [sibling] a ton. We enrolled him in soccer for eights weeks and now he’s in baseball. He’s having the time of his life. He’s so much happier.”
Parents are so quick to feel sorry for their kids and make excuses when actually PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS is the most important skill your kid needs to have.”
The Therapeutic X message:
“Something’s wrong with you that needs fixing” as opposed to “You’ve been [behavior] lately. Perhaps [sports / art / drama] might be fun for you to try. What do you think?”
Not only is it a more positive message, it also invites the kid to talk about herself, thereby possibly revealing information that might guide a decision, as opposed to signing the kid up and carting her off to whatever is the latest Therapeutic X fad, with the commensurate inappropriate high expectations of dramatic improvement that therapy always holds.
My (adult) neighbor’s being test for ADD, I presume because his son’s being tested for same. His son is a morose, defiant boy who tries to get attention from his peers by disrupting their play, hitting, and other inappropriate behaviors. Why? Because his dad’s way too rough on him, hollering at him for every misstep or misbehavior. Yes, my neighbor’s scattered and disorganized. He’s also a wonderful guy. What’s to be gained from “diagnosing” him and his son as ADD? Whoopee: Now we know where Son’s problem “comes from”: He is duly labeled, with a perfect excuse for his behaviors. Next step, predictably: Enroll Son in Therapeutic X, when what this boy really needs is for his dad to learn to love him. So sad.
haha, Yam I think you and I would be really good friends in “real life”. The behaviour of brother asking sister permission IS actually a pretty common and normal twin behaviour. Oddly enough it is usually seen in fraternal boy/girl pairs and usually the way you described. I think the reason is the girl emulates strong maternal figure, and boy sees sister as secondary “mom” figure in absence of said parent. You are right, in preschool its not usually seen as a problem, but a quip the teacher usually does comment on. And usually just as you said “oh isn’t it cute little joey asks annie if its ok” The best solution is actually to split them up once they are in grade school if it is at all possible. Which I think would be a good solution for any twin set honestly.
On the subject of my last post, I noticed you said someone mentioned their child demonstrating certain “symptoms”. Why is it a symptom already?? Child demonstrates BEHAVIOUR should be what is said, but like I said, in our overeducation we are already classifying said behaviour as a symptom of a greater “medical” problem. One that needs to be evaluated, diagnosed, and medicated!!! NO! you need to figure out why said unusual behaviour is happening, what has changed in your child’s life that is causing stress? Lets get to the bottom of this yes, but do we really need to call it something other than maybe a phase? What I’ve found is that yes parents need to call it something mental/psychological, some sort of disability, that way its not the parents fault OR the childs. Then the accountability is solely somewhere else. Oh jimmy has been acting out in class? not my problem, he’s got diagnosis x, you modify YOUR behaviour to suit him. OR I’ll sue you!
UGH!! I quietly roll my eyes at these people, and end the conversation and walk away. Please let my children never have to deal with these children… and God help us all when they grow up!
Again, I am in no way saying that psychological problems and learning disabilities do not exist. What I am saying is that all the made up ones that are being thrust upon children so that they don’t have to deal with lifes consequences are hurting our society on all fronts. It hurts the kids and the adults and brings undue stress upon everyone. The parents of the children who actually do have problems and disabilities are often much easier to deal with, and want to make sure these diagnosises do NOT hinder their childrens accountability. They are more involved in the childs day to day, and less likely to allow the child to use said disability as a crutch or excuse. To those parents I tip my hat, and feel for you. Keep up the good work!
So now I am having trouble convincing my ex that our 7yo daughter can cross local roads safely. I want his approval to allow her to walk home from school alone in case he tries to use it against me in the event of a custody case. He more or less agreed, but wants me to acknowledge the risks associated with this strategy. And I am angry that he would think that I would allow her to cross a road if I thought there was a significant risk that she would come to serious harm!
So I started looking for an analysis of road accidents involving children to back up my claim that traffic education makes the difference between kids staying safe in traffic or getting mowed down by cars because they have no idea. I found one source which offered research-based evidence that practical road safety education makes the biggest difference in preventing road accidents involving pedestrians under 15. Parental supervision was equally successful or a close second. (Sorry, cannot find the report anymore now!)
And then I came across this resource: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Roadandtravelsafety/DG_194513 Which is totally what I have been doing since my daughter was 3! Including what they call the Green Code, which she now has down pat.
I am disappointed because I thought my ex was on the same page as me regarding traffic education. I remember pointing out to him that he should not cross the street with our daughter – who was about 4 then – without making her look for traffic. Because he doesn’t seem to have taken that on board and has not practiced with her and tested her ability all those years, he cannot share my confidence that she is more than capable of crossing a road safely in all situations. Frustrating!
Oh and the other thing we don’t agree on is my daughter being allowed to answer the door when she is home alone. He tells me he doesn’t see why we would take the “unnecessary risk”. I told him that I don’t have a huge issue with telling her not to answer the door but I do struggle with how to justify this rule to her. And I feel like asking if he worries about his own safety when he answers the door in the middle of the day…
PS: Can someone create a proper forum/messageboard, please, please, please? It would be great to be able to start/read topic-specific threads that people can respond to instead of a 3000+ comments on a page.
TOTALLY agree on the need for organised response threads – I just NEVER read comments, because it’s all just a great big mish-mash in which finding your thread is like searching for a needle in a haystack… Does not foster communication in any real sense of the word…
I am so FOR free-range kids. I was a bubble-wrapped kid and was SO ill-prepared for life. The expectation was that once I graduated from high-school, I would magically know how to function in the world, make good choices, and grow into something spectacularly successful beyond my parents’ wildest imaginings.
Having never been allowed to think for myself, trust my gut, make any of my own choices, and being punished anytime I tried (they called it “rebellion”), I simply continued the pattern of relinquishing my personal power well into adulthood. My upbringing made me very afraid of life, of people (everyone was waiting for me to be alone so they can hurt or kill me), and of trusting myself (because once my parents weren’t there to tell me what to do and think, I had to do it on my own, and not knowing how to do it, I was REALLY making painful choices…how could I possibly trust myself?!).
Not having these basic skills put me in positions where I didn’t know what to do when my gut yelled, “get out of here,” and I trusted the untrustworthy. I ended up date-raped several times, in relationships with abusive men (because that’s the kind of person who will encourage you to relinquish your personal power. For me, that expectation was familiar, and I equated it with love), and my children were born into this gravely unhealthy situation. (Instead of the wildly amazing adult my parents’ imagined, I became my parents’ “bless your heart” child.)
Fortunately, I am one of the extraordinary ones that had the courage to step outside of my comfort zone and challenge my habitual thinking, and made conscious choices to change my life. It took me to the age of 32 before I found the courage (or would that be reached my breaking point of “enough is enough”?) At any rate, I finally broke out of that, have TOTALLY turned my life/thinking around, and am now a free-range adult…facing my (unrealistic) fears and proving to myself that I am safe and that life loves and supports me. (I also left the marriage and am now a single mom.)
I encouraged my “guinea-pig generation” of children to be free-range, because I knew how crippled I was from being bubble-wrapped. Though I did pass on fears and limiting beliefs, these kids have grown up to be very self-reliant and are international travelers, and 2 aren’t even out of high-school yet!
My “I’ve finally gotten the hang of this” kid is VERY free-range, because I’ve been able to let go of so many of my limitations and fears in her formative years. From the age of 5, she has been fearless, responsible, and very self-assured. She is now 9 and ha makes her own choices in many areas of her life…and lives with the results of those choices (I refuse to cripple her by rescuing her).
If I died in this minute, I have NO worries that my 9 yr old is well-equipped for life. Her “toolbox” is full of skills, beliefs, and self-love that puts her in a good place for embarking on adulthood, once that time comes. And I’ve got 8 more years of allowing her to “be” before she’s officially an adult. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story, Julia! It gave me goosebumps, especially the happy ending and the description of your daughter.
Julia, good for you! Lin:
1. I kinda like this board as is. I only reply to the most recent posts, but if I do want to go back, I just press Ctrl F and search for a keyword or name.
2. The traffic safety thing has to go beyond “Look both ways”. It has to include “See that car? Is it moving, or parked? Are its lights on? Is it moving towards us, or away from us?” Kids under the age of 9 have undeveloped depth perception and impulse control, so you need to teach them about relationships between objects, how fast a car is moving, distances between objects, how long do we have to cross safely, etc.
Yam…. bet your mum tells that story laughing….. we have the blood rule, No blood…..No cry, except broken bones don’t bleed ( whoops) lol plus we have the ” Toughen Up Princess” rule, the ” Build a Bridge and get over it ” rule and the ” Don’t talk to Mum before her Coffee or you will die” rule. Rules can be changed for their safety, education or for my entertainment. I am trying to prepare them for the real world where they will need to stand on their own two feet if they want to survive…
My addition to the traffic thing is one my Mum taught us when we were kids, and I’ve taught my own 4 kids and 3 grandbabies (and countless friends of…) **When you’re about to cross the street, and there’s a car moving, don’t cross, and if the car is stopped at an uncontrolled intersection, you must MAKE EYE CONTACT with the driver, to be sure that he or she sees you, and only then do you proceed to cross. It is irrelevant at stop light controlled intersections, but for stretches of road where the corners are less controlled, it is a very useful way to ensure that kids do not get hit. It also makes sense to a kid, and can be used in many situations that parents don’t anticipate for their children.
Yam, traffic education is a bit like my hobby horse, so I am well aware of that! I have spent years training my child to assess traffic situations before crossing. First by just explaining how I do it, then by letting her do it with my guidance. We practiced in all sorts of situations.. We worked on timing – if you look one way but then spend too much time looking the other way, you have to start again, what to do if there is a parked car or similar blocking your view, where to look if you do have to cross at a corner, making eye contact with drivers at crossings, etc. I watched her do it and then corrected her if it wasn’t right. For years. I only allowed her to do it by herself when I consistently saw her do it correctly. And it still makes me so proud when I watch her from a distance now!
That’s why I get so annoyed by parents who don’t give their kids any instruction and then send them out on to the street by themselves when they’re 12 with just the advice to “look both ways”.
Mind you, I remember reading that a child’s brain is not capable of judging the speed and distance of a moving object until they are around 10. My child is very aware of this and does not feel at all tempted to test this theory. So currently she does not cross as long as there is a car in sight – even if it is a kilometer away and barely moving. Which means that at certain times of the day she has to take an alternative route so she can cross roads with lots of traffic at a zebra crossing.
We are about to start practicing judging a car’s speed/distance now, but I won’t allow her to do it by herself possibly for years to come.
Another part of traffic education is to get through to your child that in this case there are no second chances. You make a mistake – you die. I never sugar-coated that message to my daughter. She went through a stage where she was quite scared of cars on the road when she was 3. Better that than the opposite, I thought. This is the urban jungle and the car is our tiger! But clearly I didn’t leave her with this fear without showing her how to safely deal with this very realistic danger. Which must make her extra proud of herself that she mastered this skill now!
I could go on about this for ages. Part of free-range parenting is about not letting your decisions be influenced by negligible risks. But another big part is to acknowledge the real risks and arm your child with the skills they need to deal with them.
RBM, I have a pair of socks emblazoned with a steaming cup of coffee and “My coffee comes first!” My kids know that rule!
Lin, re “This is the urban jungle and the car is our tiger!”, my No. 2 daughter was frightened to cross city streets ’til a late age. That was just fine with me. A car is a two-ton metal death object; it takes no prisoners.
I also got pissed off with folks who criticized my kids for being afraid of dogs, a fear which I find quite natural: of an animal with sharp teeth. We are supposed to stay away from it. AND I like dogs, and have had three of them, AND no, it’s not true that kids who have dogs are less scared of strange dogs. Whenever my girls would whimper upon approaching a dog, me or their dad would pick them up and say, “You’re allowed to be scared; you’re not allowed to scream. We will protect you.”
We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, Yam. I believe fear leads to panic which impedes decision making and can be dangerous in itself. That is also something I tell my daughter very often.
I will try to teach her the skills to deal with the perceived dangers and after that I am quite no nonsense about it.
I do make an exception for normal irrational childhood fears like fear of monsters or the dark. But even with those I try to give her some way of dealing with those herself, even if it’s just a flash light or when she was younger, a magic pebble to ward off monsters.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself” is a much used phrase in our house.
I love your web site and book, Lenore. I had these arguments with my wife for years (she on the “no risk” side and me on the “give them some freedom” end). I used to think, “am I the only one who feels this way”? I wasn’t raised that way and I don’t think my kids should be either.
Now that I know that that’s not the case, I will continue to argue for more freedom for my kids.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Yam & Lin,
I have similar opinions to both of you on the fear issue. I agree Lin that fears (rational or not) can lead to irrational thinking and impedes decision making. However I agree with Yam that you are entitled to your fear. What I think you need is to recognize it and try to work through it. A fear of animals is perfectly rational, an animal domesticated or not, is just that, an ANIMAL. My kids and I work on “animal manners” We do not run up to dogs, or sneak up on them. We always ask if we can pet them, and always gently. Some animals don’t like strangers, or other animals. It is always a good idea to ask, and good for the kids to hear no from some pet owners.
Agree Danielle. We have a rule at our house that I will always help my daughter if she is scared, eg because of a scary movie or book, as long as she also makes an effort to work through her fear.
Is there a “Best Places to Raise Free Range Kids” list? I’d love to learn about specific communities that are free range environments and how they are doing it.
I have a great book to recommend: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It talks about effective use of intuition, because sometimes fear is a warning.
I live ina delightfully free range community in Hunterdon County, NJ. It is not uncommon to see three or four kids as young as nine walking together down the street to go to the comic book store. And on fourth of July, the fireworks are teeming with roving packs of kids who are only tethered to their parents by their cell phones. So it’s easy to forget that the rest of the world isn’s always like that.
Last weekend, we took a family trip to Cincinnati, OH. My husband and I were at an outdoor mall with our two and a half year old enjoying the nice weather. We were on one side of a round bench and our daughter was playing on the other side by herself, a total of four feet away. An older woman walked up to me and said, “Is that you baby?” I said she was (she’s a cute kid, I’m used to people asking about her). The woman proceeded with “You can curse me if you want, but don’t you think you should be watching her more closely?” I said, “She’s right there. We can see her.” “Don’t you think you should be watching her closely?” “She’s fine.” “Well, there she goes taking off!” And the woman walked off indignantly as my daughter “took off” two feet closer to us on the bench.
I will admit that my daughter is tiny and doesn’t look as old as she is. However, she’s also a very well behaved little girl who has been taught how far she can get from us, to stop when we tell her to and to always stop when she gets to a road. We are teaching her to be independent and take care of herself, and I’m pretty sure that letting her play four feet away from us is a step in that direction, not a recipe for disaster.
Lindsay, hurray for you for not buckling and not being impolite. Kane, look for the site of an org called something like Walkable America. They rank communities for walkability, pedestrian friendliness, and mixed use, which overlaps with Free Range.
Yam I want those socks lol…. one morning I heard my now 13 year old daughter aka “Princess Bitchface” tell her friend ” Don’t talk to my mum before her coffee”. As far as I’m concerned I am childless before the caffine kicks in lol.
Lyndsay, I once observed a parent sitting at a cafe while her 3yo played within hearing distance. The girl ducked behind a solid plastic bench a couple of meters from her mum and I heard the mother say: “Don’t go where I can’t see you because someone will come and take you away” or something to that effect. I was absolutely mortified. Not only because I think it is outrageously cruel to teach a young child that she is always a target of imaginary predators, but it is such lazy parenting when all she had to do was to keep watching that bench until her child reappeared. That’s what I often think of helicopter parents: lazy parents. I’m sure it is what lots of them accuse us of, but I know how much effort we put in to ensure our children can keep themselves safe when they are capable of doing so.
When my daughter was a toddler she was walking behind me in the shopping centre, I would turn to make sure she was ok and wait for her to catch up… someone said to me once ” your gonna loose her” I turned to them and said ” No I won’t I’m not that lucky ” that shut them up lol…..
Very interesting site and discussion – I agree with your ideas on the whole and hope that I will bring my little one up to be adventurous and independent and safe by allowing reasonable limits and not being lead by fearmongering. He’s only 15 months now and at times I think ‘what might have happened – I should have been more careful’ but as you point out, the same dangers lie around every corner in the home as well. Letting him go down a slide on his own is as dangerous as letting him stand on the sofa, but how will he ever develop if I keep holding him back. Lots more articles on here to read though…
I was wondering if you heard of a new show on animal planet and the world of preppers. Omg. It was scary. The father disguises himself to convince his wife and kids that they need to do more ‘kidnapping practices’. Omg. It gets worse. They actually felt getting their daughter a phone is dangerous because the potential sexual predators so they got her a gun instead. It was like watching a train wreck. My 12 yr old son and I were too stunned to turn the channel.
http://animal.discovery.com/tv-schedules/special.html?paid=15.17072.134883.0.0
fyi
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-belkin/keeping-track-of-your-kid_b_1386140.html
having tracking sensors in school uniforms–what is the world coming to?
I am still struggling with lots of comments from people about how 7yos cannot safely cross roads. Now I have done LOTS of road crossing training with my daughter and I KNOW that she can do it as I have seen her do it safely hundreds of times. I am also convinced that she would not get distracted whilst crossing the road because she is well aware of the risks and again, has had so much practice.
But so many people keep telling me that the brain is not developed enough to enable a child to cross roads safely until they’re 10 and most quote the “limited peripheral vision” argument. A quick Google tells me that that is also what all the road safety brochures and similar resources parrot.
There are 2 things here that make me very angry about this – especially when these arguments are used to make me feel like an irresponsible parent.
1. NO ONE even mentions practical training. Not the brochures of the road safety experts, nor any parents I have talked to. I did however find some academic resources mentioning this sort of training (by parent volunteers at schools, apparently scientists are not aware of parents doing this with their own kids?) and concluding it has a very significant positive effect on kids’ road crossing skills. They even mention that with this method kids as young as 5 can learn safe road crossing skills.
2. WHY is this peripheral vision argument repeated by everyone? Why is peripheral vision so vital in crossing roads? Who trusts on seeing things out of the corner of their eye when they are trying to decide if it’s safe to cross?! I have not been able to find any scientific explanation. I have however found a journal article concluding that peripheral vision does NOT play a significant role in child pedestrian death rates. And another claiming that there isn’t actually that much difference in the ability of kids and adults to detect moving vehicles with peripheral vision.
It makes my blood boil that all the safety advice resources mention that you should hold your child’s hand when crossing (until they’re 8 – you must be joking!), try to shock parents into sticking to this by using pseudo-science and then not even mention anything about teaching your child how to cross safely. Which would give lots of parents the false impression that it is purely a developmental thing. So they might send their 10yo out onto the street without any road safety training at all which is a ridiculously dangerous thing to do!
Ok. Bee in my bonnet. Glad I got that all out.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I did know the scientists agree on kids under 10 having more trouble with judging the speed and distance of moving objects, so my daughter is not allowed to cross if there is any car in sight – which is not a big issue at all on her route from school in the afternoon. But my perusing of academic journals uncovered some evidence that younger kids can actually learn this skill with practice too. So that will be our next mission.
http://www.wtol.com/story/17298326/2012/03/30/elementary-school-sends-letter-after-suspicious-incident
This article is from the news in Toledo, OH. This is in my hometown in a fairly nice end of town. What is interesting is that the school already knew the man in question was benign and a regular and well known at the bakery, yet they chose to omit this information when they notified parents of the suspicious encounter i.e. a stranger being friendly to school children at the corner bakery. I wonder, what their official action would have been had the stranger been a woman?
Lenore,
As a former Free Range kid (now 20-something), I think your advice is spot-on. Growing up, I always rode my bike and played in the alley dividing the block my family lived on. I started walking to and from elementary school solo (4 blocks away) when I was 7 or 8, and walked or biked to and from middle school (1 mile away) either alone or with friends every day, which involved crossing several fairly busy streets in a city notorious for terrible drivers. Still, I was fine. I learned to think on my feet, to be responsible and accountable for my own actions, and to trust my instincts.
Throughout my college years, it’s been easy to tell who the Free Rangers were compared to the progeny of Helicopter Parents. The Free Rangers, in my observation, are generally able to adapt quickly to the college environment. In my case, I didn’t go nuts with alcohol. I went to my classes and got good grades. I got enough sleep, I was able to turn down invitations to parties when I had to study, and when I needed help academically, I found a tutor on campus before I ever mentioned to my parents that I was struggling. When my first roommate and I didn’t get along, I tried to work things out between us before getting our RA involved. I’ve studied abroad, traveled solo, and have generally had few problems figuring things out on my own.
Why? Because I spent a good part of my childhood learning how to take care of myself, think for myself, pick my own friends, and fight my own battles. Have I tripped up once in a while? Sure. Everyone has. But I learned during childhood how to pick myself up. The experiences we have as kids set the stage for how we’ll function as adults, when Mommy and Daddy won’t be there to tell us to go to bed or do our homework or stop spending so much money. As Free Rangers, we’ve been building up to this point for years, so the transition is natural.
Parents, trust your kids. They’re smarter than you give them credit for. And believe me, the longer the leash we’re given as kids, the less you’ll have to worry when we’re adults.
That’s an interesting case, Karen. I think it’s a classic example of some outsider trying to use fear to guilt parents into “stepping up”. They could have just been honest about it and written something like “In this case the stranger was harmless, but please do tell your kids to be vigilant” or something like that. And similar to the example of the man offering the teenage girls a lift, I would have been proud of my child for just giving this guy a friendly but firm “No, thanks” and then get on with her own business. It’s typical of this current climate of totally underestimating kids. I think part of the free-range attitude is also to praise kids for making sensible decisions. That’s how they learn most.
I think that was what was lacking when I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Lots of freedom was the norm, but I never really got any feedback from my parents about how I used that freedom.
And now I am really worried. It is the day my daughter walks home by herself. I was just looking at the clock wondering when she was going to call me, when I got a call from the school. A parent had found her “wandering around at the shops” (right across the street from the school) and brought her back to school! So the school asked me if it was true what my daughter told them, that she walks home and lets herself in all by herself. I said yes and only got a surprised “Oh”. Then they asked me what I wanted her to do so I said “send her home, I was waiting for her call”.
And so now I am worried that I’ll get reported by someone…
I need to a) talk to my daughter about taking the shortest way home and not hanging around at the shops! and b) get her a Free-Range passport thingy asap.
I gave my daughter her Free-range membership card yesterday. And when I left her to wait for our take-away while I went to get the car, she asked: “Where’s my card?” I might have to make a smaller version she can wear around her neck!
I just picked up your book at the library – kind of at random. Along with a couple of other parenting books. I love the book. It’s really got me thinking about what a lot of useless stress I’ve caused myself – worrying about things that are so unlikely. The fear mongering is so obvious, once you’re looking for it. For example, just yesterday, this headline was splashed all over the internet: Toddler’s Tragic Washing Machine Accident Sends Warning to Parents. Tragic? Absolutely. My heart goes out to this child’s parents. How horribly sad.
But a warning to the rest of us? Really? The article includes the following stat: “Between 2005 and 2009, two children under the age of five lost their lives in laundry room accidents, according to a report by the Consumer Product Safety Commision.” Two kids. In five years. And there are how many kids under age five in the U.S.? Not something I’m adding to my worry list, thanks.
I think the most poignant statement in the article is that the mother “spent the first year of her son’s life guarding him from every household danger she was warned about. She said she never expected the washer would be the biggest threat.” That’s it though, isn’t it? No matter how vigilant we are, we are not, in fact, in control and able to prevent every freak accident or random tragedy.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/toddlers-tragic-washing-machine-death-sends-warning-parents-202400944.html
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/49-of-toddlers-dont-go-outside-to-play/
This makes me sad 😦
But I love this comment: American parents — and their counterparts in other countries — aren’t lazy. It’s not as if we are shirking duties that our parents and grandparents performed. What’s changed is that parents are now expected to supervise their children whenever they go outside.
So there is a conflict – a new conflict. Children’s outdoor time versus the parents’ need to work indoors. Can we fix that problem? Are there tips for parents to re-create the sort of community where children play with other children – outside – on the mother ground? Perhaps so. But it will depend on lot of cooperation between adults. What we really need is a village.
and this suggestion: • Is it dark by the time you get home from work? Try going on family walk with flashlights.
LOVE the suggestion about going outside with your kids and flashlights for after-dark walks! I used to do this with my kids, and we often found fun goofy dollar-store flashlights with little plastic rods on the light end, where the light came out the wiggling rods, and made fun effects, or other goofy flashlights. We always loved it. One of my daughter’s most memorable birthday sleepovers (especially for some of the kids who didn’t know me well) was when we walked outside with flashlights, and played flashlight tag in the park — that one was talked about forever! Also fun, in a couple of months – go out at dusk near some long grass and watch for fireflies!
My neighbour just offered to take my 7yo on a walk to the pond with her granddaughter. Oh boy… My daughter rocked up in her swimmers – her choice, I couldn’t care less what she wears on a day off – and barefoot. So I was sent back to get a hat and sunscreen and footwear – “because you never know what’s at the bottom of that pond”. I nearly didn’t allow her to go because all the fuss was causing sulking and impatience. My daughter walks barefoot whenever she can, and so do I actually. It’s not as if there are needles lying around everywhere here! And it’s the middle of autumn here and I reckon she can do with some Vit D now the sun isn’t scorching hot and unlikely to cause sunburn or sun stroke. But I had to comply because otherwise the neighbour wouldn’t take her. Whether that was because she wanted to show me that SHE was a responsible carer at least or because she was concerned that her granddaughter would demand to “live dangerously” too is unclear…
Linvo, reminds me of when my oldest were five and three and we were visiting cousins who had roller blades…but first they had to be trussed up in knee guards, shin guards, elbow guards…they resembled miniature knights with all the “armor”. By the time they were “kosher” to skate, they were nearly fed up, certainly irritated with it all. It was my first glimpse into The Problem That Had No Name (’til Lenore gave it one).
My kids, ages 5 and 7, are (gasp!) playing unsupervised in the yard while I work inside. This is unusual in our (very safe, suburban) neighborhood. While there are dozens of kids who live here, you rarely see kids playing outside, and almost never without an adult hovering over them. What’s more, the kids walked across the street (looking both ways) by themselves (while I stood on the porch) to see if a neighbor could play with them.
I was raised in the latchkey, come-home-when-the streetlights-come-on generation, but I admit, I am a nervous Nellie when it comes to my kids, if only because of all the criticizing and armchair parenting I get from other moms. My daughter’s school recently had a book fair. I gave her some money for the fair and sent her to school that day, feeling it was a great opportunity for her to practice her independence (in addition to her math skills) picking out books. (I knew she’d come home with two of those horrible Barbie-as-a-mermaid books, but such is the price we mothers pay.) My daughter came home devastated, as I was the “only” mom who didn’t come to the book fair (in the middle of a weekday!) to “help” her pick out books and count her money. I know I’m not the only working mom in her class; did other moms really take time out of work to help their kids decide between James and Giant Peach and Flat Stanley? I recently ran into the a mom of one of her classmates who chastised me for not coming to the book fair, since the kids really need our help picking out books and really aren’t old enough to be sent to school with money yet. As if we were sending them, unarmed, into combat instead of to a book fair run by volunteer moms in the hallway outside their classroom.
I love my children more than anything, and I don’t think fostering their independence means I don’t value them. In fact, I hope I am giving them skills to navigate the world on their own.
I was thrilled to read Free-Range Moms and know there are others (maybe few and far between) like me out there! We are constantly criticized for “not doing enough” — not waiting on our kids hand and foot, making separate meals for them, delivering their forgotten homework to school … It’s not that we don’t care or don’t have the time; in fact, it would be easier sometimes to zip my son’s coat and get the heck out the door already, but I’m not sending him off to kindergarten in the fall expecting that his teacher can zip 20 kids coats and still get outside in time for recess,
I will no longer hide my Free Rangeness! I will let my Free Range Kids flag fly!
Good on you, Kellie!
Coincidently, I sent my 7yo to the book fair by herself for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Just gave her $10 and told her to go at lunchtime (I could have gone before school, but didn’t see why she needed me there – I usually cannot resist criticising her choice in books!). I picked her up from After School Care that afternoon and for the first time ever, found her reading a book! Lying on her back on the floor of the school hall. I reckon if I had helped her buy her book, it would have been less likely that she would have been enthusiastic enough about it to actually read it straight away. 🙂
“My daughter came home devastated, as I was the “only” mom who didn’t come to the book fair (in the middle of a weekday!) to “help” her pick out books and count her money.”
Kellie, how much do you bet she didn’t come up with that on her own–and some other mother said to her something like, “I can’t believe your mom is the only one who wouldn’t com help you pick out books!!”
Linvo, glad I am not the only one! And Scott, couldn’t agree more. I am sure someone said something to her because she was happy as a clam to be given $10 to pick out books all on her own that morning.
When I was 2 1/2, I wanted to go to the corner store BY MYSELF to buy some penny candy (this was in the late 1980s). My mom let me. The store was on the same block as our house (two doors down) and she watched me there and back from a window — but she let me! My brother and I walked to school together (six blocks) by the time we were about 5 and 7. I’m happy to have been a free-ranger!
Being raised as a free range (my Copenhagen story is above) I remember sometimes questioning my parents decision to “not let me have my way” all the time and being different from the other parents. And I cried. But the thing is that children cry for numerous reasons, most of which are of course important things, but some times we understand later why our parents did what they did: Giving us the chance to become individuals! My parents always used the phrase “…ah, I see, and if the other children jumped off a bridge, would you?”. When I was seven I thought this a cruel, but through their consistency I later found myself being quite amused by this statement and even later I began using it myself.
Kellie, I must say I love this simile: “As if we were sending them, unarmed, into combat instead of to a book fair run by volunteer moms in the hallway outside their classroom”! This would, in my sisters vocabulary (henceforth known as her ammunition) become “You see, since the book fair run by volunteer moms in the hallway outside my daughters classroom went so well, I was thinking about next week maybe sending my children, unarmed, into combat. You know, since I’m such a BAD MOM”, giving an indignant look that usually shuts the other moms right up 😀 My sister rocks!
Scott, I SO believe that you’re right in your comment that probably “some other mother said to her something like, “I can’t believe your mom is the only one who wouldn’t com help you pick out books!!””
I jut returned from enrolling my daughter for SK next September. I had a chance to speak with the principal and based on some of her comments felt she might be receptive to my raising the Free Range idea. Her eyes lit up and she said “Oh, the World’s Worst Mom! I LOVE her!” She went on to tell me that the school has been working on implementing a walking home program which pairs up older kids (age 11 & 12) with littler kids to walk to and from school in a buddy system. She hopes that the program will give the older kids really great lessons about responsibility while allowing all the kids to get to and from school without needing adults. She told me reaction from parents is mixed, but she is pressing forward. What a super idea! I am happy my kids will be exposed to this type of thinking at school.
I am 20 years older than my brother, and I’ve often given him more freedom when I was watching him than our parents did–without thinking about it. He’s independent by personality, so at 5 I was letting him use the men’s room by himself at the museum, or go to other parts of the grocery store to find specific items (usually ones he wanted!).
I didn’t think about this as controversial, but it did contradict my training as a childcare professional, where we are never allowed to have children out of our sight–one at-home caregiver asked at a training session, “am I supposed to use the bathroom with the door open?”
Now my brother is 7, and he crosses the street to wait at the bus stop alone in the morning. Every other child “at the stop” waits in their parents’ car or in the house until the bus comes. This makes the bus late, and the cars block the bus stop so that my brother has to walk into the middle of the street to get onto the bus! That’s much safer, other parents, thanks!
Another parent has taken it upon themselves on occasion to *gasp* leave their car to walk my brother across the street after the bus drops him off, because they can’t believe he can cross by himself. This is the street right in front of our house that he has crossed about twice a day since birth. If your kid doesn’t know how to safely cross the street, aren’t they *more* likely to get run over?
Our dad works at home, so after school my brother walks across the street, lets himself in the front door, and starts his homework at the kitchen table. He even knows how to grab a snack from the cabinet if he is hungry. He certainly isn’t totally “free range,” but these small freedoms give him a little bit of autonomy and self-direction that serve him well.
Of course, he’s already lobbying about how old he will have to be to walk to the 7-11 to get Slurpees . . . in addition to our neighborhood road it’s across a 4-lane road with a light.
Reading your website, as well as a number of recent news articles inspired me to rant on my blog about it – http://www.pinkbears.ca/index.php/archive/100-be-ready-for-anything – I am so in agreement, and I think I should buy your book – because I still deal with being ‘sick with worry’. I also appreciate, that you leave comments by people who oppose you – way to go!
I don’t have any children yet but I will definately have free range children. I remember my childhood and spending my time in the local park building forts in the trees or riding my bike to the store to buy candy. If your not idependant how do you make in the world as an adult.
When I was a child, my mother and father taught me everything. How to work on cars, how to clean a horse’s hooves and saddle him, how to put a roof on a house, how to cook, how to use a saw and a jackknife and every other tool. I was free to play in the river, and in the woods, and in the pasture with the cows. My instructions were don’t cross the fence, and if you get lost, find the fence and follow it one direction because eventually it will lead you back home. I rode my bike miles every day. They taught me that drivers rarely pay attention so make sure you get off the road when they are coming. They equipped me with a giant amount of respect for danger, and also for my self reliance. They taught me to use my head and figure situations out on my own. Now as an adult, my peers (mostly other women) are envious of my self sufficiency. All this I learned as a free range child.
I hope to impart half my experience on my children. At 5, my son was allowed to walk to school by himself, and to go to the corner store, in our metropolitan neighborhood. As was my daughter at 6, being a little less mature. Now, I must admit, the first three times I let them go to school, I followed them hiding in the bushes so they couldn’t see me. I’ve explained to them the tricks of child predators and how to cross the street. I taught them to say please and thank you and to act with decorum and respect in public. EVEN WHEN I WAS NOT IN EYESIGHT. In fact the man who owned the store often complimented how very mature my children were when they came to the store, especially as compared to the others. Now they hold doors for their elders, and if they see a neighbor with groceries, they help them carry them in, without a prompt or a word from me.
When my youngest son was 10, I showed him how to ride the city bus (including a transfer to a second bus) across Minneapolis to football practice. He rode alone every day, transferring in the middle of downtown, without incident. Every day he called my phone when he arrived at the park to let me know he had arrived safely. Now at 12 he not only mows my lawn, but has a small business of his own mowing and raking lawns of all of our neighbors. Of course a lawn mower can be dangerous, however he knows its proper operation, and the proper attire, and understands the dangers because I explained them to him.Yes, son, the lawn mower can cut your foot to ribbons. And when the lawnmower needed an oil change, and new spark plug, and a new gas tank, I sat next to him, gave him verbal instructions, and he did it all himself.
I left my children alone at home while I went to get groceries when they were old enough. They wash their own clothes, and can cook for themselves, and clean not just their rooms, but the house.
Now at 12, 14 & 17, the lessons are bigger. I had to teach them how to avoid stray bullets, and about gangs. I explained sex and condoms and pregnancy to them. I explain credit, and work ethic, and college readiness. They earn every dime of their spending money by doing extra chores. If they want the new Jordans, they work and save for the new Jordans.
Let child protection tell it, you can’t leave your 7 year old with a 12 year old for a moment while you cross the street to greet a neighbor. Their words. Not for a moment. Maybe they would have preferred me putting a leash on them, instead of learning the word NO. Parents, learn this one invaluable tool. NO means NO. Not maybe, not yes, not later. No works so much better than “lets do something else.”
I worry when I give them some new freedom, some new responsibility. But on the other hand I AM SO PROUD, when they rise to the occasion. They know I’m their safety net if they need me. I never put them in a situation they cannot handle, but I challenge them to push their limits. If you ask them, they would rather not need me at all. And on the flip side… if they don’t meet my expectations, there are real consequences. That, my friends, means that I am doing my job as a parent.
Later on, when your child is grown saying I can’t or I don’t know how… my child will be the one stepping in saying I can, or I’ll try.
I was an 80’s kid. I walked to school by myself, played outside or even ran around in the woods by my house alone or with friends until we heard our moms calling us in for dinner. We had no cell phones, we went to the corner store to buy ice creams alone, we hung around the neighborhood. I had a 120lb dog who my grandpa trained to warn adults from getting to close to me but other than that, I was a “free range kid” and my childhood was wonderful.
I am due to have my baby girl in 2 weeks and when she is old enough, I hope she can have a similar childhood I did. We also have mastiff dogs incidentally so I’m sure that helps too!
hi lenore! i was over at that article about the parents who go down the slide with their kids, and someone in the comments asked something i’ve thought about—if everyone is so for the days of sanity, then who are the bubble wrap parents? which is a pretty good question. if everyone’s talking about their awsome playground with metal and asphalt, and having fun, then who are the ones raising kids in a forcefield? (keeping with my superhero comment, haha!)
Both my sons are adults now, but several months ago I was driving home with my younger son and he said, “Mom, you used to annoy me but then I saw other kids and their helicopter moms, and I realized you’re not so bad.” I was thrilled. They grew up in the country, and I was appalled to see how the parents would drive their kids a few blocks for a play date. And I remember how much I loved going to visit my aunt and uncles (my mother was an “oops” baby, so her sister and brothers were like our grandparents), riding on the bus, with a transfer. Yeah, it was the 60s/70s but there was bad stuff happening then. Only it got hushed up. Good for you and this site!
Just finished reading “Free-Range Kids” tonight. Being a nervous and worry all-time and all-things mom for my 4 years old daughter, this book opens up my eyes and mind. I’ve started practicing what I learnt from the book here and there. It’s not easy.
Three days ago, I let my daughter played at the adult exercise equipment near the playground. Instead of stood very closed to her, I stood half feet away from her. She fell down and laid on the back of her head. She cried badly. I felt bad and very guilty for my bad judgement to let her play at the adult exercise equipment and not watched her closely enough. I think it’s going to be a long learning path for me to balance between “not too tight” and “not too loose”.
@still learning mom: don’t feel guilty because your daughter fell, kids do that all the time and this doesn`t mean you made anything wrong. My daughters are allowed to do the things they dare to do if they are able to use the equipment safely. So if they know how to climb a high construction safely they are allowed to. But if I see they are getting afraid or too unsure I tell them to do something else.
SLM and Katrin, my rule was always, if you can’t get on it yourself, you’re not ready to play there. I did not lift my kids onto climbing frames or trees. In our backyard, if they wanted to reach the lowest branch on the tree, I pointed out that they could use a patio chair. At the playground, there aren’t chairs, so they’re on their own. Better for them and better for your back.
SLM, when my daughter was two, she was hanging from a bar, over sand, her feet half a meter from the ground. She let go and broke her leg. I was standing right next to her. Accidents happen. Don’t beat yourself up. If you’re here, you’re already a good mom!
Yam, thats my rule too. My son climbs into trees all the time, when he is playing with my nephew if I am close by my nephew will say to me “aunt dani, help me into the tree” I always tell him, “I don’t help you climb trees, if you want to climb a tree you have to do it yourself” My feeling is doesn’t it defeat the purpose to help them climb a tree?? thats not really climbing is it? If you need help up and down, whats the point of being in the tree?
Just wanted to tell you someone speaking to me and my 1-year-old daughter (both of us redheads) said they knew someone with three red-headed school-aged kids, and they aren’t allowed to walk to school because their mom thinks them having read hair makes it more dangerous. I’m not sure if she meant more likely to be kidnapped by perverted bogeymen or more likely to be bullied, but either way I thought it sounded absurd!
so has anyone seen the video of the baby at the lion exhibit, where the lioness is trying so hard to get him? It was adorable and hilarious. They mom did a phone interview with GMA the other day. They asked questions like “did you think it would be such an internet sensation?” and “Was he ever scared?”. Pretty normal questions. I just saw them on the Today Show and Jenna Wolfe, the weekend anchor, must have asked about 4 or 5 times (before I stopped watching!) “wasn’t your heart in your throat the whole time?” “Were you terrified she was going to eat your baby” “Did you ever think about just grabbing him out of the way?”
The dad just kept telling her no, we just thought it was funny. We’re pretty sure the Zoo had adequate enclosures. Jake just loved the big cats.
So she really wanted them to be terrified, and they were just amused. Good for them, and shame on her! :Sigh:
I saw the video, too and got to the conclusion that window panes are not part of a lion’s world – that’s what they have in common with insects. Maybe it really mistook the child with a zebra baby? I had to laugh out loud when the lion tried to bite through the window – and the child didn’t realize what was happening all the time.
But right now I remember something similar happening to me in the Zoo in Cologne. They had new enclosures for the lions, including windows and a lion tried to jump through the glass. We knew nothing could happen to us, but we had a scare anyway. But that was merely some kind of inborn fear of wild animals.
Preach it sista! My 12 year old mows our lawn… has written 2 stories which we have published into books, has walked to school since he was 5. My 15 year old has been cooking with me since she could stand, and now cooks with the stove top, oven.. sharp knives and wine without incident, and she walked her brother to/from school since she was 7 (That was before they put in the pedestrian crossing light on the big scary road) OH… finally.. someone to make me look sane 🙂
As I commented on http://z6mag.com/offbeat/lion-trying-to-eat-baby-through-glass-video-168733.html#comment-31994:
I’m uncomfortable with teasing animals, whether or not it endangers a child. Sigh. I have a problem with the whole concept of zoos. Why don’t we own the fact that we’re just using animals for our entertainment and stop with the whole “It’s educational; it promotes wildlife conservation” snow job?
Yam, I have a healthy respect for wild animals, and think that its horrendous that people poach, and the encroachment of land, etc. I think you are mostly right that the animals are displayed for our entertainment, however the true scientists that work behind the scenes (not the trainers that put on shows) are trying to study and understand these animals. I don’t mind Zoos like the Bronx Zoo and others that have large animal habitats and have abandoned cages. I wish they would all do that. I probably would not have left the child up there “teasing” the lion as you say. But I have to be honest, I would have still gotten a laugh out of it before saying to the kids lets move on and stop bothering her. Some animals like to play; gorillas, monkeys, otters, dolphins… however, this one was clearly on a mission…
Lenore, you will find this article heartening:
http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/05/04/return-of-risk-the-growing-movement-to-let-kids-play-like-kids/
The “experts” are now seeing benefits in exposing young children to risk. But then, do parents really need experts to tell them this? Good grief. Anyways, it is good that the backlash is gaining momentum. I was a tree-climber myself, and survived with no broken bones.
Ha ha! I have zero confidence that the premise is true, but I got a kick out of this headline on a New York Times style section post:
“Does Helicopter Parenting Drive Dads to Cheat?”
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/04/does-helicopter-parenting-drive-dads-to-cheat/
I figured you all would get a kick out of it as well.
Dani, the problem is that it’s a tradeoff: When I visited the zoo as a kid, when the animals were still in non-PC cages, we saw lots of animals. When I took my kids to the zoo, now that the animals are in PC enclosures, and especially in the summer heat when they understandably hide out, you see a few animals from a distance, then plop down in the air-conditioned theater to watch a movie. If I’m forking out $$$ to drive there + entry fees + refreshments, I want to see animals. Cheaper to rent or download nature films and show them to the kids on sick days, inclement weather days, etc. Same message with a lot less schlep and more animal for your buck.
That God I found this site and that there are still people with commonsense in this World, I have just read the article “How to Spot a Child Predator” on the web site http://www.circleofmoms.com. I found this site from the comments.
The social damage the attitudes in the article are doing are incalculable and unfortunately self perpetuating. We are becoming a race of useless people raising useless children. Sadly evolution takes time to have its effects.
I will never forget the reaction my hubby had when I let my 9 and 6 year old boys ride the subway system alone with the house key 2 stops to get home. We had just moved to Hong Kong and his family was sure it was because I was an American so I was too permissive. Now the boys are 15 and 12 and my sister-in-laws all want me to teach their kids how to live! LOL!
I have to laugh at some of the helicopter parents sometimes…. My daugher was in a triathlon when she was 12. She had done tris before and was on the third bike lap (it was a circuit course) when she reached down for her waterbottle, lost control, and slammed into a fence head first at about 16-20 MPH…. She comes walking back, her face gashed, blood streaming. I did the basic check, no concussion, no blood in her eyes, nose, or mouth.
So I did what every cyclist would do – I high-fived her and told her “congratulations, you now have your first crash out of the way.” Then we went to the emergency room and had her face stitched up. She accepted her injury as part of her enjoyment of competing, and still wears the (now tiny) scar proudly.
Kids are the progeny of the most successful predator to ever walk the face of the earth. Our kids deserve our trust and faith in their abilities and skills and judgement.
Yan, good for you. Reminded of the 10-year-old boulderer I read about in the NYT. She said she’s not afraid of getting hurt, as she knows how to fall. I also recall my daughter at age two whizzing down a slight grade on her trike. I was sitting watching, thinking that if she did crash, she’d crash into a Plexiglass door. Another parent reached out and caught her handlebars and gave me a scolding look. I’ll never know if I was “in the right” or not…anyone’s kid here ever charge into Plexiglass?
Would you allow a kindergartner (age 5 or 6) and an 8 yr old to wander the neighborhood (and cross semi-busy streets) unsupervised? I’m mostly for free-range (and was as a child). Recently we started having two children stop by to ask to play with my son (kindergarten, age 6). We have never met their mother (think no at-home father). Have never met the kids. My son knows them from school bus only. After we said yes the first time, it’s becoming an almost every day thing. They run straight to our place right after school. They say Mom knows where they are, but I think they’re being babysat by 20-yr-old older sister. We had to enforce a go-home-at-5:00 policy especially after they said they don’t have to be home until 7:00. They have to cross a semi-busy street to get to our place. What would you do about this situation? As for my son, we’ve been working on “look both ways” but no way in h**l would I allow him to wander unsupervised and especially not cross streets unsupervised.
Tim, maybe walk with them one day when they leave, and go as far as the busy street, and just watch how they manage. If they’ve been safety-trained, then you’ll feel more comfortable, and if they’re not, you can offer some supportive advice. Either way, you’ll have learned how well they manage, which may (or may not, depending) make you feel more comfortable watching them take off for home. Clearly their parent(s) feel they’re OK.
Whoa, Tim, this is a hard one. Something is definitely off here. But veering off the subject here, “Look both ways” is not enough. My MIL told me that when she was little, she wondered, “What am I looking for?” Seems obvious to us, it’s not to a little kid. Someone upthread recommended teaching kids to make eye contact with the driver of a car to make sure s/he sees you. That’s fine if the driver is going forward, but what if s/he’s reversing?
Our job is to teach kids spatial relationships, not just slogans. Do you see any cars? Is that car parked, or moving? Is it moving toward us, or away from us? How fast? Do we have time to cross safely? Do you think that driver sees us? etc. etc.
JMO but… A big part of raising responsible adults is to make sure they understand the choices they have. Reading these comments is interesting…
Crossing the road – basic rules, but also *why* they are basic rules. Point out good and bad pedestrians as you drive so the kids can understand why the rules are in place and see them from the perspective of the driver.
Guns… We have guns in the house. We target shoot. But our guns are disassembled; rifle, magazine, bolt and ammo all stored in different places, so there’s no chance of “accidental discharge”. Also teach kids why those rules are important. My 11 year old son refuses to take his best friend shooting, because whey they play with fake guns he’s not responsible enough and doesn’t follow basic rules of gun safety – with toy guns.
Food… We don’t limit what our kids eat, but we do explain to them why we have certain rules. They know that if they drink a soda after about 3 PM they will be jittery and have a hard time sleeping. So we don’t drink sodas after 3. As both my kids are athletes, we work together on diet and nutrition. They love chips and junk, but know that it will compromise their performance. So if they have an event coming up they will eliminate the ice cream, sodas, chips, etc from their diet because they’ve seen the effects. We don’t tell tehm to do that; they know that eating junk food will add a few seconds to their 100m breaststroke time.
So the key for us is to let our kids make their own choices, and then help them figure out the consequences, and make them understand that the results are due to their choices and it’s their responsibility to deal with it.
A typical conversation with my daughter:
Me: “Why are you so tired this morning?”
Her: “I had to stay up late and do my homework.”
Me: “Why did you do your homework so late?”
Her: “Because I chose to hang out with my friends after school instead of getting my homework done.”
Getting her to understand that it’s her choice and not the fault of the teachers took a few years of effort…..
totally agree with you Yan, it’s all about learning that there are consequences to their actions. because when they go into the big wide world no one is going to bail their dumb arses out!!!!
There is no one right way. Take kids to nonscorekeeping soccer game. Then drop at park – whether 5 feet or 5 miles – Parents Need Play Time Too Day!
Good to see support and permission for another option among the parenting continuum. Thanks! As graduate parents now, just wanted to say —– there is no one right way. Do what works for you and that individual child at that time and place.
Seriously, each child and parent needs different ways at different times. It’s ok to use your own judgement. As long as you are healthy and happy as a parent, chances are 98% the kids will be too. I wish we had known – would have saved ridiculous stress.
I had identical twins, a single, then blended with DH & 2 stepchildren. We could have left the stepchildren in ACAPULCO for MONTHS and they would have followed our directions, although one would have stressed and one would have gloried in following them. The twins? Trustworthy apart, an international incident waiting to happen together. Therefore, would send them to separate and compatible countries – make that continents. The youngest? 32 and we still hope he doesn’t figure out we’re completely lying about the Patriot Act, traffic violations and leaving the country.
Each is alive, each is fine, employed, loving, loved, with just enough work to do on themselves to keep from being arrogant.
Best validation ever? Grandchildren. – We went from tragically misguided amateurs, with clearly suspect motives to near guru status within 3 years.
If it works for you and your child right now to go to a soccer game, go for it. If you and they are ready and able to enjoy some space – being 5 feet or 5 miles away from each other – do that. Bottom line, if the parents are happy and well, 99% of the time, the kids will be too. Enjoy the day!
I saw my child’s lunch on the bench after I came back from my dog walk. Which is normally also my accompany-child-to-school walk, but because said child was not ready by the time I told her I would leave, I left without her and let her walk herself to school. I just popped the lunch in the fridge for the next day. This story prompted someone (online) to call me right-wing (because apparently teaching kids ‘personal responsibility is) and they even dragged the link between diet and performance at school into it! One skipped lunch…
I on the other hand was very happy that my daughter did not complain about the missing lunch to the teacher – who would’ve bought her a canteen lunch – but instead had an apple and two mandarines she had in her bag instead. She was a tad hungry when she got home from school, but I thought that was a good thing as none of my nagging has had any effect on getting her to be responsible for organising herself for school, so hopefully this will.
Linvo and Yan, good going. Anna: How do I reach guru status? I’m dying to!
My son went to a great birthday party yesterday. One of the activities was very free-range and sounded like a lot of fun. It was a “city rally.” The kids (ages 12-14, the birthday boy turned 13) broke up into teams. Each team had a piece of paper with questions on it. The boys had to ride their bikes to various places in town to answer the questions. The first team back to the birthday boy’s house won a prize. One question was If you wanted to arrive at the Allianz Arena in Munich by 7:30 p.m., which train should you take? They had to ride to the train station, read the train schedule, and figure out which train to take. Other questions were to go to a local church and find out what year it was built, find out which bus goes to the local ski area and where the closest stop was, and describe the picture that was painted on a building at a certain address.
The kids went out on this rally by themselves. The only parental involvement was to declare the winning team and hand out the prizes. After the rally, the boys had dinner, watched movies, and did a sleepover. A good time was had by all.
I was a free-range kid. I understand the theory behind letting your kids free-range. I even support and feel positively about the idea of free-range. And then I see ANOTHER interview with John Walsh–whose child was one aisle over from his mother in a store before being abducted and his head cut off–or Stan Patz–whose child was just walking to school when he was snatched by a serial child molester a block away and is now most likely buried under an NYC basement–or Marc Klaas–whose daughter was sleeping in her own bed before she was grabbed by a psychopath and brutally raped before being fatally savaged to death, and I just can’t do it. I just can’t. 50 dead kids a year is a wholly unacceptable risk in my mind. And remember, we’re talking 50 kids who end up being lucky to be dead after the rape and torture they endure. Remember, we’re not talking about the chances you’ll pick a yucky watermelon or miss the bus here. One kid being violently murdered is the end of the world if it’s a child in your life. I’m not going to helicopter my kids, but listening to John Walsh talking about listening to tapes of tortured children to see if he could recognize his son’s voice (which he couldn’t because Adam had already been beheaded by the time the tape was made) will haunt me forever. And I understand the responses already being formulated–those are isolated examples, that’s only three out of millions, crime statistics are down/misleading/hyperinflated, we did it when we were kids and we’re fine, etc. These are all responses I’ve had from my three brothers (none of whom has children, incidentally) and they are perfectly reasoned responses. They just aren’t enough to make the risk worth it for me.
but your risk is INFINITESIMAL. You’re more likely to kill them driving to the store! I understand the panic; I’ve experienced it, but I have to let my children GROW.
And Jodi, it’s not a matter of no risk versus very small risk or better safe than sorry. You mentioned some responses, but missed the biggest one: the much larger risk that you cripple your kids by being overprotective. Yes, you might reduce the already infinitesimally small risk that you kid gets abducted, but the price you pay is the highly likely risk that you kid will not grow up to become a confident, self-sufficient adult.
I’m what you would consider a helicopter mom… I was raised on a farm and my parents rarely knew were I was or paid any attention to me… needless to say I grew up not feeling loved and I resent my mother to this day. I have one 4 year old daughtrer that was born a premie and almost didn’t make it. I have been a very involved parent from day one and my daughter and I are very close. I do not allow my duaghter to be unsupervisored in our front yard, there are teenagers that wiz by in thier cars goofing off, a pedafile registered in the neighborhood and the guy across the street was recently released from prison. We do have a huge back yard (almost an acre) that is fenced for our dogs and my daughter is allowed to go in the back by herself and any where in our house including our full finished basement without supervision. I do not allow my duaghter to ride with anyone or go over to anyones house that I have not met and I do not allow her to run off out in public. I am so sick of the media and other people that have never met me or my daughter trying to judge me as a parent and tell me how to raise my child. Every child is different and every parent has thier own values and beliefs they hold to be true. Child raising does not come with a manual and as long as our children are healthy, happy and thriving it is not anyone else’s place to tell us how to raise them. Again, I will state I do consider myself a helicopter mom but my child has enough freedom to properly make her own decisions, she doesn’t hang on my every move and she doesn’t flip out everytime mommy’s not around… infact, my child is very indepent and I’m proud of the fantastic job I am doing raising her. I say, pay attention to your own kids and stop trying to tell others how to raise thier children or change thier values and beliefs.
@Scott and Laura–This issue is being made into a false dichotomy. As I’ve said in other forums on this topic, it is not a choice between letting my children have free and unsupervised rein to create independent adults or smothering them into pathological dependence. I have four kids in a span of 19 years with my youngest being three. They have all climbed trees, gotten dirty, ridden their bikes, paid for their own purchases at the store, swung to the highest arc in the swing, and so on. I’m just not going to let them do those things without someone keeping an eye on them. I think it is irresponsible to do otherwise. And I think all of us know kids whose parents would probably consider themselves free range (if they are even aware of the term) who need constant supervision and intervention from OTHER adults not related to them to keep them safe. If a young child rides the subway safely alone, you can bet good money a whole herd of folks kept an extra eye on that child while he traveled. And what happens the day none of them notice or take the time to do so? Also, kids need to have an eye kept on them so they don’t act like little jerks, as well. Wouldn’t it be nice if the free range parents of that shi**y little bully on the schoolyard provided more supervision for their independent little angel? I reject the notion that my kids (and others like them) are less independent because they’ve never been completely alone and unsupervised in a city of millions (or even thousands) of people. There is a GIANT middle ground to be had here. In the meantime, I guess those of us who aren’t on board with free range-ism will just have to stay extra vigilant for the kids who are.
@Jodi: Isn’t the whole point that as a society we all look out for each other? I used to live in a neighborhood that was majority Marine families. That meant the husbands (typically) were gone 9 months out of the year. Everyone took care of all the kids. If someone busted one of my kids for doing something bad, I’d find out about it and my kids knew they would not get any sympathy from me. Conversely, if I busted someone else’s kid, they knew that their parents would back me up.
I came home one time and found 11 kids in my yard, playing. Not doing anything bad, just playing. I waved hi! and went in. Let them play.
That’s a neighborhood. We all looked out for everyone’s kids, so our kids could run “unsupervised”. On the other hand, all the kids knew that there’d be hell to pay if they broke the rules, so they were all really good kids.
@susan:”I was raised on a farm and my parents rarely knew were I was or paid any attention to me… needless to say I grew up not feeling loved and I resent my mother to this day”
I don’t think it is “needless to say” that you resent your mother. From the time I left in the morning until I came home in the evenings my mother rarely knew where I was, and expected me to care for my two younger sister who I was never allowed to leave without. I love my mother very much and do not resent her in the least. That you feel this way about your parents and upbringing makes me sad for you. And your mother.
On your other comments, it sounds to me like you are plenty free range. I wouldn’t let my two and four year old out in my front yard alone if it was a busy street either. And they are under no circumstances allowed to “run off” Unless we are on a playground, which is not running off, but rather going to play. In fact, my two year old is often in her stroller when we are on outings and my son has a backpack with a leash for busy cities and attractions.
@Susan, I don’t really understand why you think free-range parenting equals not paying attention to your kids? Maybe you should do some more reading before you decide you are not a free-range parent yourself too.
Dani: “Needless to say” you don’t know my mother or me. That is not the only reason I resent her, infact I love her, just resent her for never being there for me or paying any attention to me even as an adult. It is sad, but I see the mistakes she has made, she will openly admit them and I am deterimed not to make the same mistakes. And no, I am not what is concidered a free range parent, if you knew me, you would know that. My daughter has enough freedom for my comfort level for her age. How everyone else raises their kids, is their business, but if they are in my care, I take care of them as I take care of my daughter. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum and I also respect the other parents wishes. The whole thing that gets me is the mom against mom thing, judging other parents because their values and beliefs are different.
I will research more, I’ve been reading this website, other articles, watching tv and talking to other parents and friends. So far from what I’m understanding and have expereinced in my own life is there are a ton of things that I do not feel comfortable allowing my daughter to do or things that I was allowed to do as a child that I would not let her do, and if I did allow those things I defiently would not feel I was paying attention to her. I see good and bad points to both sides, I’m not posting becuase I think either side is wrong, I’m posting becuase as long as our kids are heathly, happy and thriving who’s place is it to pass judgment on how we as parents accomplish those things or attempt to get other parents to change thier values and beliefs.
@Susan, “My daughter has enough freedom for my comfort level for her age” could very well be the definition of free-range parenting to me!
And if you would read Lenore’s book (as I eventually almost reluctantly did after I found this site and I loved it!), it is also about doing what you think is right for your family without feeling the pressure of everyone else telling parents how to raise their kids. There is no wrong or right way. But it is also about not letting your parenting decisions be influenced by irrational fears about child molesters and abductions for example.
I think most parents who post here are very involved in their kids’ lives. We just had a discussion about attachment parenting in another post as it turns out that quite a few committed free-rangers did this with their babies. There are quite a few stay at home and homeschoolers posting here too. It really isn’t about sending your kids out from dusk till dawn just to get them out of your hair!
For me, I do not want to raise my child like my parents raised me either. And so I give my child a lot more knowledge and guidance when I allow her to take small steps into the big wide world on her own. I spent hundreds of hours practicing road crossing with her before I allowed her to it on her own. I think I would’ve been lucky if I got a “look both ways” from my own parents at that age!
Free-range parenting should never be an excuse for neglect or disinterest in ones kids. And it doesn’t claim to offer a detailed manual on how to raise kids. On the contrary. What it does support though is the idea that we are raising adults, not eternal children. Parenting is about equipping your kids with the tools and knowledge and experience they need to tackle life on their own when they are adults.
That is my take on it, anyway! I’m sure there are nearly as many interpretations as there are posters here. 🙂
@Susan: I completely agree. Its all about what each parent thinks is right for thier family. My children are still babies (yes a four year old is still a baby as far as I’m concerned). So we are very vigiliant about streets, and stores and large gatherings of people (fairs, festivals, cultural events) But in our small town, he can run down the boardwalk with out me having to run with him, he can play on the local beach without my having to constantly be right beside him, he can run from our car unto the playground apparatus and play there while I sit and chat with friends & drink my coffee on the bench. I also have a group of friends who is like the “village” we all strive for and hope for when raising our children. Moms and dads who my children and I are comfortable with, who I know will pick my little ones up if they fall and I’m out of arms reach, who will correct dangerous or inappropriate behavior in a way I approve of. And I do the same for them. We are fortunate, while some people are not as much.
And I also hate the judgement, and the “parenting as a spectator sport” as Lenore has mentioned. You are completely right I don’t know you or your family. But equally you do not know mine. We shouldn’t judge. Again you are right that all children are different, and the best way for me to handle it is “to each, his own” I treat parenting the same way I treat religion or politics; I have my opinions and beliefs and others have thiers, I don’t want to change your mind, I’m interested in having open, honest discussions that help me to understand those I’m trying to be friends & aquantances with. I have found that even this approach is not always the best way, and sometimes with some people I simply keep my mouth shut. Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate them, and I hope you are not offended by mine. 🙂
Linvo- thank you for the post, I will definetly research more and try to find other ways that I feel comfortable allowing my daughter to do things that will help her learn and grow. I was home today with my daughter but I am a full time working mother and even though my daughter goes to Pre-K I home school her in the evenings (except in the summer) and so I’m always on the search for additional devolpmental idead and tools. As far as the child abductors and molesters, I will always be afriad and on the alart… I work for a state prison! I know way too much about how many of these kinds of people are out there, the repeat offenders and what they are capable of… and these are only the ones that have been caught and prosectuted by society.
Dani- I’m not offended, my whole point is the values and beliefs of one family, and what works for them may not work for another family and therefore I’m just not approving the passing of judgement. I’m glad you have such a supporting community
Dani, it’s great that you’re friends with like-minded parents, but in my experience it’s rarely the case that you get such a homogeneous group. Even in my cohort, there are parents with whose parenting I have problems, and vice versa. So it’s nice to be all Zen and non-judgey, but when it comes to kids, who can NOT judge?
Susan and Jodi: The reason “live and let live” isn’t working is that now helicoptering is institutionalized, i.e., it’s no longer the parent’s decision to free range or not. School districts forbid children walking to school unaccompanied, preschools are banning forks and knives, playgrounds are boring and wimpy…the list goes on and on. Hence the need to promote free range. On this we CAN turn back the clock…
Good point Yam. I got really annoyed yesterday when I was 5 minutes late meeting my 7yo at the school and I found her sulking because a teacher had told her off about being on the play equipment without parental supervision. She also was once brought back to school by a concerned parent when she was walking home alone. The school called me at work to ask if she was telling the truth about being allowed to be out on her own. She is now quite worried about being “caught” and doesn’t dare tell anyone that she walks home alone and definitely not that she stays home alone sometimes.
Some people here seem to think free range and feral are the same thing, lol.
You can be there w/out interfering. My own father was a child molester of both sexes, a school board member, and in prison by the time I was in 5th grade. He molested “free-range kids”.
If you are going to promote this stuff, you sure as heck don’t want to advertise dates/times for independent child activities. I bet predators love your site.
And you are crazy for thinking that it is not likely: about 1 in 4 girls have been the victims of sexual abuse. We don’t even have to talk about kidnappings and murders, we can just muse over the dirty old geyser in the park that walks over to push your daughter on the swing so he can touch bottom.
Where do you think pedophiles hang out? Why do you think my dad was on the school board? They go where the kids will be *unsupervised*.
My dad was on the school board to fool everyone into thinking he was a “safe” person for kids & so that when he had tons of kids over picking up pine cones for cash or swimming with us in our pool (so he could feel them up) no one would think it was odd that he was so preoccupied w/ children. And he hurt a lot of “free range” children that were wondering around the neighborhood–even some who walked from other neighborhoods to see friends in ours.
You can have an adult present w/out that adult interacting w/ the children or doing anything more than making sure they don’t become a victim.
You may learn this the hard way.Hopefully nothing happens to your child b/c you want him to be free or to be free of him. And you may advocate for some activity and age and someone blames you or sues you for losing their child. You have the right to free speech, but this is a terrible idea.
And I would suggest that you have issues. Your own childhood must have been somehow dissatisfying to you. You should really talk with someone about that.
And one more thing: a lot of the people agreeing w/ this theory of parenting (to put it nicely) aren’t even parents. It’s so much different when you have a child. When I had my son, I had such a tough time leaving him as an infant that I didn’t even let my mom keep him overnight until he was almost 6 months old. And even then it was rough.
Have a baby & then come back here & see if you still like this woman’s “free range” nonsense.
“about 1 in 4 girls have been the victims of sexual abuse.”
And close to 90% of those are abused by family members, usually parents or step-parents. Those stats are publicly available.
Of course child abuse by strangers happens, but it is rare and you can teach your kids how to protect themselves from a young age. I don’t really see why I would worry about my child walking home alone when I know that she would never go anywhere with a stranger?
And lots of the people commenting on here are parents who are putting free-range parenting into practice because they believe it is what is best for their kids, not for themselves. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not leaving your baby with someone else until they’re 6 months old, but you did that for yourself and not for your baby.
And there is a HUGE difference between letting kids doing things by themselves without any adult supervision or to let them do things with a parent watching over them. Kids who learn to do things without an adult to fall back on gain more confidence in their own abilities. They learn true independence. And that is what this is all about.
I’m sorry you have to live with your father’s past and that must have been and still must be really rough. But he is a rare case and there are not child molesters waiting on every street corner. My child knows about the existence of child molesters, but she also knows that the vast majority of people are good people who would never harm a child. And that is what I want her to see when she steps out into the world because this is the world she will inherit and I don’t want her to start of being scared of it.
@ Heather-I am so sorry for the pain and trauma and immense fear you obviously still carry around with you. I hope you are in treatment.
I am a survivor of physical abuse at the hands of my bio parents, sexual abuse at the hands of a very trusted religious leader, and rape by 3 different men during my teens and young adulthood. It took me years of treatment to be able to let go of my paranoia that everyone was out to hurt me. Becoming a mother brought back those fears some, Especially since I am the mother of 2, soon to be 3, little girls! Thankfully, my therapy worked and unlike many survivors I do not live in fear for my kids. I am watchful, yes. I am careful about who i trust them with. But i certainly don’t fear every stranger on the street or every man who might smile at my kids. In my years of treatment and using online forums I have only once or twice come across someone who was sexually abused or raped by someone they didn’t know. The idea that strangers are dangerous is what is silly. the number of people hurt by strangers is very low. I will give my kids freedom to play and be confident to be out without me by their side 24/7 because it’s what is best for them. Because truth is even if I try to smother them with my presence and “protect” them 24/7…it can still happen. My own (adoptive)parents were pretty overprotective of me. But that didn’t protect me. Fact is you can’t stop bad things from happening by living in fear and paranoia of all the “what ifs” ….and i refuse to put my kids in a bubble and destroy their childhood because something *might* happen. I will teach them to be safe, teach them to trust me and come to meif anyone ever makes them uncomfortable or does anything improper. The biggest problem with children being sexually abused is that parents never want to believe it, the kids fear they won’t be believed and often aren’t… because it’s very very rarely some random old man at the park wanting to luck out with some kid they’ve never seen before. That old man is gonna go for the easier target of his grandkids, not waste time hoping to catch a kid alone at the park. I hope very much my girls never have to experience anything like I have. I will do my best to make sure that never happens. but I will not do that by making them grow up in fear of being alone. I will teach them to be safe, not keep them oblivious and wrongfully think I can be there 24/7 to protect them. It’s impossible to be there all the time. We’ve gotta teach them to be confident, free, and knowledgeable and able to protect themselves.
I wanna add…the kids I know who have grown up in a house where they had very little freedom are completely clueless on how to protect themselves even once they are older! I have a few relatives who are in their late teens/early 20s who have put themselves in such bad situations because, due to never being taught how to protect themselves because their mom wanted to do all the protecting, they have no idea how to judge what is safe and what is not now as adults and are at much greater risk of becoming a statistic. Because they always had mommy there, now that she isn’t they don’t pay attention to the world around them and have no clue how to function confidently and safely in the world of adulthood. free range isn’t about letting kids run wild with no rules or safety. It’s about equipping kids with the knowledge and skills they will need to last a lifetime and giving kids the freedom and space to be confident with themselves enough to function happily and safely not only as kids…but later as well rounded happy adults. Not the fearful oblivious young adults we see everywhere today…often times still completely dependent on their parents til close to 30! I want better for my kids than that!
From what I have noticed, the problem is with the wording. So many people who are “against” this movement are not really understanding it. As parents we do not want to be free of our children (at least I don’t and from what I know of Lenore she doesn’t) in fact I am considering homeschooling… It’s more about teaching and equipping our children for the real world. I look around at my peers and my neices peers and I see generations of people who expect everything handed to them. Who don’t understand that things cost money, and you have to pay back money you borrow. Adults who have no idea how to navigate a public transportation system in a new city because they never even rode a school bus. And you wouldn’t believe the number of people I know who don’t even know HOW to ride a bike!! Really??!! And something even simpler and much more important, how to boil noodles, or bake a piece of chicken.
Maybe “Common Sense Kids” would be more appropriate (but then instead of against the movement, people would be livid with the wording) It absolutely does not make sense for my four year old to go to a playground (about 5 miles from my home) and play there alone for hours. It does make sense to teach him the boundries of our home and yard and allow him to play outside while I do dishes and pick up around the house. At nine or even fourteen it would not be logical for my children to ride the DC metro alone (closest city transportation system) We live quite far from there and they will not have enough experience with it for me to feel comfortable. But they will be able to go to soccer practice, and stay after school, and ride their bikes to their friends houses.
The whole idea is to teach our kids what we think the necessary life skills are and then let them use that knowledge. My kids do not need me to pick them up every time they fall, they need to start learning to self soothe, and to brush it off a little. I won’t be at the playground at school and their teacher certainly isn’t going to kiss them and make it better (this day and age she won’t even hug them if its a bad fall!) The need to learn gross motor skills like running, jumping, climbing, and so I let them climb, and I don’t hover right next to them in case they fall. Because it’s not the end of the world if they do.
I don’t know what the future holds, but for now I teach my kids boundries and trust them to keep to them. And they seldom let me down. If they do their are consequences, and they are disappointed and hurt and upset that they can’t have thier way, but next time they will think about that before they do something that *might* have been dangerous. Sorry I am so long winded, but I really get fired up when people talk like I am going to get my children killed, or that it will be all my fault if something terrible happens to them. I am by no means saying that terrible things don’t or won’t happen. I am saying that if we teach our children what to look out for, and to understand the difference between bad and unknown then when the possibility that something bad will happen comes along, they will know what to do, instead of “crying wolf” because a grandpa at the park was walking his dog and said hello to them.
@Heather – it’s a sword that cuts both ways. I’m a middle aged somewhat affluent white guy. That makes me automatically a child molester in many people’s view. I used to volunteer in my kids’ elementary school. I tutured kids who were failing in math. I had a good record, the kids liked me, the teachers saw a great improvement in the kids grades. I quit out of fear.
I was in a room, unsupervised, with children. (Can you see the alarms going off? Strange man in a room with my child ALONE!) All it would take would be for one child to say to their parent: “Mom, he touched me!” and my whole life would be ruined. No matter that the touch could be completely innocent, or accidental, or may not have even happened. The child might just mean, “we were playing a math game that involved flipping a coin and our hands would touch once in a while.” But in the eyes of an overprotective parent, that can only mean “sexual predator on the prowl!” and my life would be ruined. There is no proving the negative; all it means is that “I got away with it so far”.
Helicopter parents act out of fear and control. They damage their children and they also damage society as a whole. I’m a pretty good teacher – my classes at a local college were always packed – and I am good at explaining fundamentals to kids. But none of that matters; I cannot risk my family and my income so I avoid one-on-one activities with children.
The society we’re in is slowly going insane due to fear, sensationalism, and a lack of understanding of risk. A friend of mine was tackled at a WalMart by security because he was taking a lost child to the customer service desk. The child got lost and was crying; he took the child by the hand and was walking to either find an employee or to the desk, and the mom saw him, and instead of getting her child went to security and had them take him down in a flying tackle.
Should I help a lost child? Should I help kids who are struggling in school? What would you do?
@Heather Lawson — you seem to be very bitter and negative about this whole theory of parenting. Do you have children of your own? I do — four, in fact. They range in age from 16 to 29 to 37 to 40. I have ALWAYS been a free-range parent, and have had lots of time to see how thing work out. I can tell you that I have four kids and three grandkids who are 6,5 and 5, all of whom have been raised free-range, and all of whom are fine, upstanding, brave, sensible, unharmed, wonderful people, who are capable of dealing with what the world deals them. And the world has dealt them LOTS, between them all! Each of them has individual strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else in the world, but each is certainly a survivor, a capable person, a person who is comfortable in his or her own skin, and who can handle the ups and downs of life with a good measure of grace and competence. Free-ranging has helped them to attain this level of function, and given them tools with which to meet life’s challenges, big and small. Helicopter parenting, in my observations of other people’s children, produces young adults who have no idea of how to function — in fact, all the slackers living in Mum and Dad’s rec. room, having marginal jobs, without partners and without real lives are products of this age of helicoptering. Good luck with it, if you insist on it, but I highly recommend you check in with someone who is actually raising successful, independent, productive kids and see what you’re missing.
I just finished reading your, “Eek a man!” piece. Last week I blogged about how the base where I work is still sane when it comes to hiring men to work with kids. If we keep men away from our kids, how will they ever have good male role models?
http://gap-runner.blogspot.de/2012/05/male-role-models.html
“As far as the child abductors and molesters, I will always be afriad and on the alart… I work for a state prison! I know way too much about how many of these kinds of people are out there, the repeat offenders and what they are capable of… and these are only the ones that have been caught and prosectuted by society.”
My dad was a federal probation/parole officer. With all the bad stuff he saw he was very protective of me, his only daughter. I was treated very differently than my brothers. My father instilled in me a sense of fear that I still live with today. I’m afraid of being alone at night in my own home with the doors and windows locked. I’m afraid when I’m alone walking to my car, or stopping at an ATM, or stopping at a mailbox. I’m afraid of going out at night. I’m afraid. I blame how he raised me but I can’t really blame him as I understand that he did it out of fear from what he saw everyday and his love for me. If it weren’t for my husband and children I’d probably live as a recluse and refuse to leave my home. Living life in fear is crippling. I refuse to do that to my children.
My dad has issues with how I raise my children. He doesn’t like that we allow them to walk to school alone, or to the park alone, or to the store alone. They are 10 & 11. When they were younger he didn’t like that I allowed them to play alone outside, that I wasn’t there watching them the entire time. He doesn’t like that I allow them to go on overnight school trips or that I don’t grill them when they come back to find out if they were molested.
Yes, I want my kids to be safe. Of course I don’t want something bad happening to them. But living in fear is not a healthy way to live. I want them to be careful but not fearful. It’s a fine line.
I agree that every parent has to make the choices of what’s comfortable for them and we shouldn’t judge other parents for doing it differently. We are all coming at this parenting thing with different experiences and ideas of how to do it. Parenting is hard. Being judged by others doesn’t help.
Adriana and others, I sympathize with you on having family see the worst side of things. My mother was pretty free-range with us as kids; we had our boundaries and I had a twisting-gut feeling if I attempted to stray beyond them. Then when I was an adult, married with children, she went to work at the police department and of course, heard and saw the worst of the worst and we learned NOT to share our children’s accomplishments because she would panic on our behalf since clearly we didn’t give a damn or were being very stupid. (We sent our younger two on the light-rail into downtown to meet Daddy for a baseball game. One train. Commuter hours. Commuter people. No one bothered them a bit. Daddy met them at the station. They were eleven and nine. She honest to god wanted to sneak onto the train with them and hide so she could still watch them and they just wouldn’t know it. We said LIKE HELL YOU ARE.) It’s very difficult to punch through that veil of “BAD” to see the fact that for every domestic that one of her cops responded to, there were hundreds of families around them that were doing *JUST FINE*. When you only see the bad, you think it’s all bad, rather than putting those incidents into perspective with the rest.
It’s a classic case of throwing out the whole barrel of apples because one went bad. NO MORE APPLES! And no more freedom.
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN how to look around, be responsible, and check their gut. My kids now *plan* trips. They have summer activities, and two out of three will just have to get themselves there as they’re reasonably close by.
We have good, bright, and very pretty girls. They are the kind of kid that everyone in the school knows by name because they are good kids. Teachers call us to thank us for raising such good kids.
The funny part is that everything that they like so much about our girls comes from fighting the school district tooth and nail or it’s dumb parenting advice and over-protectiveness.
My eldest daughter has walked to and from school since the first grade. The route included a right of way through a yard bordering the school, a long dead end residential street and a busy residential street with no side walk. For a year I walked the busy residential street with her. That part of the route I considered dangerous.
Her younger sister got to walk home from kindergarten because she was in afternoon kindergarten and got out at the same time as her older sister. They came home together. It took a lot of time to make that possible.
They play at the park together alone and have done so since the ages of 8 and 10. The park is three blocks away and very safe. Unfortunately it is also the school playground. For a while we had to give they park up because the school decided to prohibit all children from playing there without qualified supervision (parents aren’t necessarily qualified). But that particular outrage was short-lived as the school backed down when it discovered how difficult to enforce that rule would be. It costs money to keep people out of an unfenced playground.
They have been walking to grocery store (eight blocks including a light) to get ingredients for chocolate chip cookies since they were ten. They bake. They know how to cook a few dinners too. I am mostly an at home mother working from, but on the days I travel they take pride in cooking for Daddy. They have been doing that since the ripe old ages of 10 and 12.
They bike to friend’s houses over 15 blocks away and have been since the ages 10 and 12.
They have also been coming home to an empty house about two to three times a month from about the same ages. The manage without me for three whole hours.
The only time they have ever been molested by strangers, it has been strangers intent on saving them from the horrors of walking by themselves. Fortunately, they are self possessed enough to tell such people to go away. They do this often and they know what they are doing and under no circumstances do they want either a car ride home or to have anyone call for their mother to come get them. I don’t think they’ve even been in any real danger.
They are now 12 and 14.
The results? Well adjusted, independent, healthy, responsible kids.
I
Heather, you are right about me. I’m not a parent. But I know I’m prone to needless paranoia and hang out here in hopes of getting a clear perspective of when I am a parent.
@ linvo: the notion that child molesters are not lurking around every corner is wrong. if you don’t believe that, check out your local/state law enforcement website to see how many sexual predators live in your area. on the other hand, i can appreciate the distinction you pointed out btw what you do for yourself vs what you do for your children. i wish you well.
@ caroline: i am not a “helicopter parent” and yes, i am a parent to a 13-year old boy who is very independent. he goes outside alone, and rides his bike around the neighborhood–that just doesn’t go on and on for hours w/out him checking in. he checks in frequently and that is for HIS safety and not b/c i don’t trust him & he knows that. it’s called love.
@ Yan: I am sorry that you have experienced the cloud of suspicion just b/c you fit some demographic. Let me assure you that my father did not just lay his hand upon a child and that did him in. It took years and years of invasive sexual abuse of both family members and children in the community before anyone came forward. Once one came forward, the reports started pouring in from others. He hurt more than 12 children & those are just the ones that came forward that WERE NOT familly members. This man got in trouble b/c he was in direct contact w/ or w/out penetration of kids’ genitals, and w/ or w/out involving his own.
@ Cathy: thx for the kind words, but I am not paranoid. I am 37, my son is 13, and i do not smother him or obsess abt something happening to him like what happened to me, and partly b/c i am so much more aware of this problem in society than my mother was. i have been through some therapy, but what helped me the most was talking with our vicar who has passed away now, but he said some things that were key to me being able to let go. that being said, i was also sexually attacked by a presbyterian minister as a teenager. was fondled by a cousin as a pre-teen. and i disagree that the old guy is going to go for the granddaughter and not the kid in the park. pedophiles cannot help themselves. their behavior is serial. it’s simply wishful thinking.
On a lighter note, I wish it was something other than “free range kids” b/c the last time i checked, “free range” referred to chicken rearing, not child rearing. 🙂
like coyotes to free range chickens…..pedophiles to free range kids……I agree kids need to be taught independence, but this is a sick sick world…..too many kids to missing every day….and the first thing people as is….'”WHERE WERE THE PARENTS?” “WHY WASN’T ANYONE WATCHING THAT CHILD!!”
Angela, I respect your opinion and your need to voice it but it would really be better for everyone if you would educate yourself about what really goes on in the world instead of relying on sensationalist media that prey on people’s fear.
The vast majority of the kids that are reported missing every day turn up within a couple of hours and most of them just got lost or didn’t tell their carers where they were going. Most abductions of kids are committed by people known to them, usually parents involved in a custody battle. In the vast majority of sexual abuse cases, it is also relatives who are the culprits.
If you want to protect your kids from harm, it is an unfortunate fact that the best way is to teach them to protect themselves from getting harmed by people they know. They are tough conversations to have with a child, but it will help them much more than making them scared of strangers and not letting them do anything by themselves. You simply cannot always be there to ward off danger, so it is much better to equip your child with the skill to keep themselves safe.
Despite what you see on tv or read in the papers, the world is a safer place than when you were growing up. Ask yourself, how many cases of kids being abducted and abused or killed in your area have you heard of? How long ago were those cases? Does that really match the idea that kids are getting taken by molesters every day? The media loves these stories. That’s why they draw them out for as long a possible. And those stories being in the media every day gives people the impression that kids are being abducted or murdered every day. But if you would pay close attention, you would notice that they are the same few stories that get repeated over and over again because fear sells.
I’m going to quote another free range parent: My child went to the park today alone and NOTHING happened! (now why wasn’t the media called about that one???)
@Heather:
“he goes outside alone, and rides his bike around the neighborhood–that just doesn’t go on and on for hours w/out him checking in”
I am not sure why you seem to have gotten the impresstion that free-range parenting means anything else than that? We all have different ideas of what a suitable length of time is for kids ot be out on their own, but the idea is definitely not that they absolutely have to stay away from home from dawn till dusk without contacting their parents.
I let my 7yo take a timer when she goes to the park on her own. She has to report back to me when the timer goes off. It’s not only to ease my mind, but also to test her willingness to follow my instructions in that regard. If she does not stick to the agreed arrangement – which so far has not happened – she will have her freedom curbed until she can show more responsibility.
And in regards to the child molesters. It is not because there are convicted sex offenders in your area that they are all out there just waiting for an opportunity to lure a child away to molest them. Regardless, it is still better to equip your child with the skills to recognise danger and keep themselves safe than to give them the impression that you will always be there to protect them, because unfortunately you can’t. There are some great resources out there to help parents teach their kids protective behaviours that will not only keep them safe from the rare chance of being abused by a total stranger, but more importantly it will teach them what to do if a person known to them tries to do something inappropriate to them. Most importantly, if you talk openly about this to your kids and make them feel empowered, they will also come and report any suspicious behaviour to you immediately.
Stranger danger and constant supervision is a very ineffective way to deal with the risk of child abuse. And we are blessed in this time that there is now much better advice out there that can give our kids a much better chance of staying safe.
2 cases from where I live:
Case 1: girl, about 10, is walking down the road in a semi-rural neighborhood. A car slows down, the driver attempts to snatch her. She screams, yells, fights, raises all kinds of hell. Ultimately she is forced into the car but not before a few neighbors notice. They give chase, call the police, the abductor is caught a few blocks away, girl is unharmed. She tells the paper that she did what her parents taught her – scream, yell, run away, cause all kinds of ruckus.
Case 2: girl, about 11, gets lost in the wilderness. She is an experienced hiker and knows how to build a shelter. She builds a shelter and survives 3 days in sub-freezing weather. She is found only when a searcher literally stumbles across her shelter. She is fine, hungry, dehydrated but healthy. She tells the paper that she heard the searches call her name many times but did not answer because her parents taught her never to answer strangers.
I was a free range kid. By the time I was in my teens I was hanging out on the streets with unsavory people and doing drugs. Going into strange men’s apartments and so forth. I’m very lucky worse things did not happen to me.
I allowed my first son freedom to roam the neighborhood. He ended up hanging out with other unsupervised kids, including the bad kid in the neighborhood who sold drugs, and tried smoking pot and drinking.
I will not make that mistake again with my other children.
When I was a teen it was the cool bad ass kids that hung out on the streets. It was the goody goody kids that stayed home and made good grades and stayed out of trouble.
I feel there is other ways to encourage independence without having them roam the streets.
I was a free range kids growing up. I am now rasing my children free range, however that doesn’t mean I don’t check into what they’re doing. Being free range doesn’t mean letting your kids just run around the neighborhood. Nor does it mean you don’t have to parent. Free range means, when your child is mature enought to handle a resposibily you let them do it. For example I let my five and four year olds play in the front yard. However they know they must stay IN THE FRONT YARD(doesn’t mean ALL five and four year olds are like that). I also did some not such great stuff as a teenager, but that wasn’t becuase my parents didn’t parent; even though they were free range. I was getting older and testing the limits of what I thought an adulthood was. Please don’t think free range means letting your kids do what they want. It isn’t!!!! It’s simply just giving your children the freedom they have shown that they can handle.
Linvo, not only does the media love fear, but it’s fear focused at mainstream, Caucasians. Remember how the Natalie Holloway case was drawn out and milked for every air-minute it was worth? When was the last time you saw such media treatment of a non-Caucasian, non-middle-class / upper-class child?
Adriana and all those who call for not judging each others’ parenting. I think it’s impossible not to. Because our parenting affects not just our own kids, but others’. Your kids play at my house and you feel I don’t supervise closely enough; my kids play at your house and come home and tell me they ate sugar bombs and watched Disney Channel for three hours. Kids are in daycare where the caregivers aren’t allowed to hug them or apply sunscreen on them because somewhere, once, a caregiver touched some kid inappropriately. So yes, you can bet I’ll be judging — and acting.
@ Heather Do you know what you have to do to get on the “sex offender” registery? Pee in public, without children around. Is that person a sex offender? Those list only give you so much information. I’m sorry for what happened to you, but those list aren’t ” to catch a pedator”. It’s great that you are vilgliant with your childs saftey. But are you just as vilgilant with people you know? Or is it just “strangers”? Being free range mean you see “danger” where is hides, not where “society” thinks it is. You might be more free range then you think. And if your not as free range as other that’s OK, just don’t judge them. That’s free range.
Here’s what you do, people. Imagine Pedro Hernandez choking your child in a basement. If you’re 100% certain that the promise of an iPhone, iPad2, Wii, $100 or a soda would never on God’s green earth lure our child into that basement, or that your child is strong enough to fight off the choke, then by all means, send him or her out alone in the world to fend for himself against whatever may come along. If you have any doubt, your child needs more supervision and training before you let them out. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/25/nyregion/man-claims-he-strangled-etan-patz-police-say.html?hp
@RheaGray: the whole point is that your child is far, far, far more likely to die strapped into a car seat in your back seat than a victim of a Pedro Hernandez. So if you’re absolutely sure that you will never, ever, on god’s green earth have an accident, you’d better keep your child at home at all times.
Yes I worry about my kids being out alone. Yes I worry about my kids getting hurt. But right now both my kids are out of the house, and I’m not with them. I’ve given them the best coping tools I know and I refuse to live in fear of an imagined bogey man, when the reality is quite different.
The following story is how too many of our kids get hurt and killed. This happened at a house down the street from where I live.
http://projects.registerguard.com/csp/cms/sites/web/news/cityregion/24249180-41/maples-family-jeanette-mcanulty-death.csp
It’s horrible, and all the more horrible knowing that it was happening as I drove my car, and rode my bike by the house regularly, and did not know and thus could not stop it.
Quoting a 33 year old case doesn’t exactly do much for your credibility. I could find out how many kids have died in car crashes in that time, if you like. Or drowned. Or died at the hands of their own relatives.
And why on earth would anyone want to imagine their child being choked by someone? That is just plain sick.
Talking to your kids about the potential dangers (and their probabilities) and how to keep themselves safe is the best way to protect them. Not constant supervision that gives them a false sense of security. But I’m repeating myself here…
@heather: I’m so sorry for what happened to you. But I’m absolutely sure that your father belongs to a minority – even if it is not a small minority. It’s still the majority of men that are NOT abusing children. To me you are one of your father’s victims too, he is influencing you and and your behaviour until today.
@Adriana: If your dad worked as a parole officer, it’s absolute understandable that he had another view on our society, but of course he didn’t see the persons who did not become delinquents.
To me free range means not regarding your children as helpless victims who have to be protected from the danger outside. To me it means to foster my childrens’ capabilities. My two year old learns to smear butter on her bread with a blunt knife, she is allowed to climb the stairs in our house, because we know she can, even if some visitors can’t stand to watch her without taking her hand. But just yesterday I mounted the doorhandles of the bathroom door in an upright position because she had opened the shampoo bottle and used it as body lotion. No she can’t reach the door handle anymore.
My seven year old walks alone to and from school and to afternoon day care. We live in an estate of twelve row houses and the children are playing outside, they visit each other and sometimes I don’t know which child she is actually visiting, but we neighbors trust each other. It’s quite normal that I meet another mom on the sidewalk and am asked if her daughter is with us or with another neighbor. But the children have to stay near the houses, because there is much traffic on the road.
Free range doesn’t mean being naive or neglective. The world never was an easy place to live. And that’s what we have to prepare our kids for – and we can’t prepare them by locking them away.
Rhea Gray, I think the whir of helicopter rotors has clouded your reason. Free range doesn’t mean turning your children loose to fend for themselves. It’s teaching them coping skills so they can navigate through life without being emotionally retarded.
I’m noticing that we are having a lot more personal criticisms on here lately — some ripping pretty hard. I didn’t really sign on to hear people slagging on each other! It can’t function as a useful forum for the exchange of ideas, methods, and reasons for free-ranging if people don’t feel safe from this kind of bullying. I hope that we can all talk to each other without ripping each other up. Civility really does work well….
Here’s a relevant article about the decline of free play and increase of depression and anxiety in kids. Overprotecting your kids from unlikely dangers does indeed have negative consequences. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2011/10/all-work-and-no-play-why-your-kids-are-more-anxious-depressed/246422/#.T8GdFjo43Js.facebook
Well done! I read so many books while pregnant only to find that my son didn’t bother to read the same book! For months I cried and felt guilty wondering what I was doing wrong. I was doing everything the book said to do! It wasn’t until I simply listened to my own common sense and started treating him like the wonderful individual he is that we really started to bond. When he began to crawl I didn’t do what the books said and set up a safe zone. Instead, I let him crawl off stuff (small things of course like pillows and thresholds). Other parents watched in horror. How could I let me baby hurt himself? I decided I wanted him to learn how gravity worked before he started running and that life lesson could really do some damage. Now at 2 he is confident in his physical ability as well as cautious when trying out new things.
It pleases me to no end to read that there are other parents out there who see the importance of letting your child fall now and again. How else will they learn to pick themselves back up? One of my proudest moments as a mom was when our son took a dive off the “big boy swing” which he was trying for the first time. He stood up, turned to my husband and I, and said, “I ok! I try again!”
I remember similar times with my daughter. We were living in the deep south, and it was not uncommon to hear parents tell their daughters not to play “there” or “do that” because she’d get her dress dirty. You could see the girls wanted to play the same way as the boys, but the southern belle moms made sure the girls knew that’s not for them.
Fortunately we moved far, far away. (I like the South; I just don’t think it’s a good place to bring up kids. At least where we were.)
My daughter always played like a kid – dirt and sweat and bruises and all. Now she’s 14, and she just took third overall female in a double triathlon. (1/2 mile swim, 10 mile bike, 3 mile run – twice.) What made it really astounding for me is that she apparently had mechanical trouble with her bike on one of the bike legs. Now she’s the least mechanically inclined person I’ve ever met; it’s almost physically painful for me to see her pick up a screwdriver she’s so awkward. Yet she fixed her bike, and never mentioned it. (The rules of the triathlon forbid any assistance; if your bike has trouble you’re on your own). I only found out about it from a fellow competitor after the event.
Score one for independence. Kids can do amazing things if we just listen to them.
Good luck to your son.
I could hardly beleive what I saw on tv today. Well I guess in this helicopter parenting, scare our children senseless I can beleive it. There was an ad with John Walsh promoting a gadget that resembled life alert,but for children. They used scare tactics in the commercial. A little boy lost in a busy place not knowing what to do. Then he pulls out this little device. He presses the button and in instantly connected with one of the companies operators or 911. The little boy in a sad scared voice says he can’t find his mom. The concerned operator tells him they will call her. Distraught mother receives phone call telling her where her child is. I think this is going to far! How many times will this product be abused. Mom to far ahead and turns down the aisle in grocery store little panics and pushes the button. People teach your children to be smart!!! Who is going to run this country in the future?
I hear lots of folks throwing the word “freedom” around which is great. But the word that suits me a little better in this conversation is “trust”. I’m a 38 y.o. strong, independent woman raised by a single mom in Boston. Not some subdivision hours outside the city. Boston. Real Boston- just as bussing and desegregation was happening. And even in those times, the greatest gift my mom ever gave me was TRUST.
We kids wandered the neighborhood in gangs. Like gangs of happy, adventure seeking kids. Not violent gangs. I actually forgot how much joy I felt in the little things until you reminded me. And the hardest and best lessons I learned came from learning how to resolve conflicts without the presence of an adult, or getting lost and being scared and having the satisfaction of problem solving (and realizing you were only 4 houses away all along).
I applaud you with all hands in the air for not buying into the scare tactics of a paranoid, fear-driven society. And I work with sex offenders and batterers for a living!!!! Believe me, if anyone should be scared for our children, it should be me. But I believe if you raise confident children who understand boundaries and feel trusted enough to learn experientially, they will develop sound judgment informed by intuition.
Not to mention, they’ll return your trust with respect.
I don’t think there’s anything being said that’s even remotely radical. It makes me sad to imagine so many people living in such fear and what a world of children suffocating in that fear. Begin more conversations around this. Let people know you are not scared and do something really radical like TRUST!
In gratitude,
Amy Davidson
Bend, OR
Have you seen this yet? “You are not special” graduation speech in Wellesley, MA. 🙂
Have you seen this yet? “You are not special” graduation speech in Wellesley, MA. 🙂
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/06/09/david-mccullough-at-wellesley-commencement-you-are-not-special-video.html
Don’t let them tell you that its just not as safe as it was when we were growing up, statistics show it is actually safer! Here is an article that states: “most crime statistics at low levels not seen since before the days of color TV”.
“America’s historic drop in violent crime: By the numbers” http://theweek.com/article/index/229129/americas-historic-drop-in-violent-crime-by-the-numbers
I was raised just about as free range as you can imagine, and in a pretty big city in the 80’s and early 90’s. My Grandpa raised me from the age of 7 on because we suffered the loss of my mom and grandma in the same year. he couldn’t read or write and I was pretty insistent that I knew it all or could figure it out on my own. I am self taught in a lot of different areas of life. I have learned a lot of lessons “the hard way” but most importantly, I grew up with common sense. I raise my kids with a belief that there is no better teacher than a natural consequence, but of course with safety in mind! I get so much grief for not being a helicopter parent and for being my child’s friend, but I don’t care anymore. CPS tried taking my kids and I fought them and won and got my kids back. I was really doubting myself and then we went to stay with my husband’s aunt in a smaller community and took a Love and Logic class and I realized that there were other people who thought like me. Now I just brush it off when people doubt my parenting. I have wonderful easy going relationships with my kids. They tell me everything important and I am their go to person for love, advice, comfort, and so much more. Even still at 12 and 14 (of course the 4 year old feels that way) they think of me as a friend. I am not an enabler. I expect respect and treat them the same and I see my role as being their teacher AND friend, and I teach them to use their own common sense and to have morals and to be ethical and to think for themselves. I am empathetic when life throws them a blow, but I don’t shelter them from much. I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I just have to say; I love being a free range mom!!!
This morning our daughter who is 17 left with 2 of her friends to drive across the state of Kansas to attend a big country concert. She has graduated high school and has to begin her life. I do not feel uneasy or worried about her driving on interstate make decisions while on the road. I don’t worry that someone could do her harm. This is life. She has been raised to think and figure things out on her own. She knows if she needs help in an emergency she will know to call 911. She will be going to college in the fall she will be on her own.
I feel bad for all the teenagers out there who still have parents hovering over them doing everything for them like they are babies.
I will always be here for her if she needs us.. she has spread her wings and has flown the
nest.
Free range all the way!!!
On another note our other daughter who is 13 works on antique steam engines during thR summer and those things can blow up if not properly maintained.
Why do so many people shelter thier children? when some day they will have to lead thier own life.
This post doesn’t have to do with free range child rearing, but it shows how pervasive worst first thinking is becoming. It is now spreading to protecting adults from one-in-a-million dangers.
I work on a US military installation in Germany and receive most of my mail through the US military postal system (APO). I have ordered iPods and laptop computers from Stateside firms and had them shipped to me without any problems. But now the APO system is no longer shipping items overseas which contain lithium batteries, which are what powers iPods, Kindles, and laptops. The reason is that if a lithium battery gets broken or dented, and then overheats, it could explode and cause the plane that it’s being transported in to crash. How many plane crashes have there been due to broken lithium batteries which have overheated? A grand total of zero. But it could happen under just the right circumstances and we shouldn’t take any chances. (slaps palm to forehead in disbelief)
hiya, everyone. opinion/advice piece here: my cousins just invited me to go with them to the waterpark this weekend; they got a free ‘bring a friend’ ticket. it’d be the first time the 3 of us got to actually go somewhere just the 3 of us and hang out since i moved out here. i’d love to go. thing is, would my mom. in this particular situation, i dont know if its that she doesnt feel comfortable letting me go with them (mom constantly claims that while they are very sweet girls, they do have their…issues. but everyone in the world is going to have *issues* concerning mom, cause most people LIVING have *issues* in which case no one is “pure enough”, i want to say, to allow me to truly hang out and be friends with.)in the past, people i’d known from school/youth group/whatever kind of already knew not to invite me places, cause the answer is usually either “i just don’t feel all that comfortable letting you go, ariel” until i myself am convinced that doing it would be Not Good (my friend in high school inviting me to her birthday sleepover),or “oh, great!…i’ll come too!” (when my college class was going to an expo in Toronto. well, actually it was a mix of both; her exact words were “can i come too? ariel doesnt go ANYwhere without me!”.) which wasnt all THAT great, cause when she comes along things somehow turn into her hosting it. that, and somehow, the person or group im trying to get along with ends up getting along/relating to her better than to me.
so i’ve stewed over it for a couple of days, worrying whether i should ask to go or just tell my cousins i can’t go.
so today i decided to go ahead and ask. mom says “great! i’ll come too! i’ll bring a cooler and we can have a picnic! i’ll go and get a season pass for you, dad and i!”
my dad is a little bit better about things like this but that’s only because he’s not into going on amusement park rides and things like that. other than that, he’s totally on the same page as mom.
so far only mom knows about this trip, but she did say to ‘let dad know’. now the question is, the way it’s going so far, do i just let it go and tell the cousins i cant go, or go on to stage 2 and seek permission from dad (knowing mom is SO trying to still insert herself into this).
Ariel, do I understand correctly that you’re in college? And your mom came on a class trip with you? And your peers and teacher didn’t think that was weird?
Ariel, if you’re in college I assume you are an adult of legal age. Why must you ask your parents’ permission? Even if you live with your parents, as an adult you should be able to say, “I’m going to the waterpark with my cousins.” And NOT have your mom feel like she needs to tag along.
For Pete’s sake, yesterday I sent my teenage son across the border to another country to spend the day at an amusement park. He had his passport, money and phone. He and friends went on the train and were gone from 7 – 20:30. No worries as a mom on my end. Sounds like you need to have a serious heart to heart with your mom and explain that you need freedom to experience life…and learn to be responsible for yourself without mom doing everything for you.
@JN4125: “And NOT have your mom feel like she needs to tag along.”
-im going to assume you got that from my typo of “…the thing is, would my mom.” that sentence should actually say, “the thing is, SO would my mom”. she invites herself; i dont like it when she does, cause like i said 1)she takes over and 2)she ends up getting along/relating to my would-be friends better than i do.
its been like this since FOREVER, and i have no idea how to change it; and im not good at explaining things, and i dont want to say something that’ll get me in trouble for “sass” or whatever. sometimes the words come out screwed, and they get offended and it makes me wish i kept my mouth shut.
🙂
@Yam Erez: yes, i am in college. no, i did not go on the trip. yes, they thought it was weird.
bonus: yes, i was properly mortified. she said it in front of most of the class; they were trying to get the final headcount, mom was taking computer classes at the college and decided to stop by. yes, her ‘stopping by’ is a regular occurrence. and once again, they all seem to get along/relate to her better than they do me.
I don’t understand how your peers both think it’s weird that your mom tags along, yet get along better with her than with you. Sounds like your mom is trying to live through you. I rarely say this, but I recommend family therapy for all of you. And if your folks won’t go, start individual therapy. And you do not need their permission.
You sound like a lovely person and you express yourself just fine. But a young adult (or any child, for that matter) disagreeing with her parent is not sassing; it’s completely acceptable. Your situation is abnormal (and I’m careful about using that term) and way beyond the scope of this site / forum. Good luck to you.
“I don’t understand how your peers both think it’s weird that your mom tags along, yet get along better with her than with you. ”
-neither do I. At risk of sounding bitter, maybe they can relate to her because they’ve Done Things, or Experienced Life. All I know is they can hold a long conversation with her, and I’m good for maybe telling a couple of jokes before they start talking about things I’ve had no experience in and therefore am not able to put my input in until the topic comes back round to something I know about.
But that’s why I started listening to my iPod during lab time.
I’m all for giving your children freedom. They need to be able to explore and learn for themselves. However, criticizing a man for asking his daughter to call him when she gets to her friend’s house safely, I disagree with. By letting her got but asking her to call, he’s sending the message that he trusts her but also knows their is danger in the world. Also, communication between a child and her parents is a good thing. Each time she calls, he has the opportunity to say, “Thank you. I love you.” How is that a bad thing?
Have you seen this – http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2012/07/05/parents-share-youtube-video-of-5-year-old-swimming-with-sharks/
Kinda shocking what these parents went through to allow their child to snorkel!
I believe in allowing children to take risks, to learn by making mistakes, and to be given the freedom to make most of the decisions pertaining to their day-to-day life.
You point out that we grew up free range (I was born in 1975 and was definitely free range and latch key) and “We turned out okay.” Well. The ones who didn’t turn out okay aren’t here to argue the point, are they?
I’ve been to two funerals for children in my life. One was a three-year-old who slipped past the fence and drown in the swimming pool while mom’s back was turned. The other was a 10-year-old who wanted to show his buddy his grandpa’s gun collection.
Kids do not yet have life experience and wisdom to reliably sense danger or make rational decisions. I don’t know about you, but I still did some really stupid stuff at 22.
I had a hamster when I was a kid. We let it run around in one of those plastic balls while we cleaned its cage. One time it rolled off the step down into the living room. Astoundingly, after that, it never went near that step again.
In contrast my 16-month-old son (my youngest) climbs onto the kitchen table every day. He’s fallen off several times but he keeps going up there. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t even exhibit the wisdom of a hamster.
These are just a few thoughts I had when reading your site. I agree with the spirit of allowing kids room to make mistakes and take risks, but I’m just not certain that the type of freedom you’re suggesting is appropriate.
My son and his friends had a great free range adventure a couple of weekends ago. It was a hot day and my son and three friends (all age 13) decided that they wanted to go to one of the local lakes to swim. They knew that they could take a train there, which is why they chose that lake. All four boys rode their bikes to the train station and bought their tickets. They realized that they had some time to kill before the next train, so they walked to a nearby grocery store and bought some fruit, chips, and drinks. The food and drinks went into their backpacks. They took the train to the lake, then pooled their money to rent a pedal boat. After getting the boat, they took it to one of the little islands in the lake, had a picnic, swam, then pedaled their boat back to the rental place. It would have been a perfect free range day if they took the train back home. But they missed the last train back. It was too far for the boys to walk back home. They didn’t panic, but put their heads together and figured out whose parents had a car that was big enough to transport an adult driver and 4 teenage boys, then called for a ride to the train station to get their bikes.
Nobody at the train station, on the train, in the grocery store, or at the boat rental place questioned the boys about being unaccompanied by an adult. All four boys were perfectly capable of: taking a train to a specific destination, figuring out how much food to buy, renting a boat and keeping track of the time to bring it back, and knowing what to do when they missed the last train home.
Kim, one of my closest friend was shot by her little sister who found her parents gun under the bed and thought it would be fun to play with it. It’s hard not be angry and want to hold your dear ones closer when something so tragic happens. I am not a fan of guns but not because my friend died when I was in 5th grade. I don’t like guns because my mom inherited my grandfathers one of a kind shot gun when I was four. My mom only felt comfortable having around her young child if I knew never to go near it. She drove this point home to the point of causing me to have a not so healthy fear of them (I’m sure my friend being shot in my formative years didn’t help).
We also spent a lot if time at the tennis club when I was little so my mom taught me how to swim at 9 months.
Now as a mom myself I know that Liam will climb on the table and that I can’t always watch him so I taught him how climb back down and how to ask for help if he needs it.
My point is, as a free range parent we’re not just letting our kids go. We teach them survival skills so that they can safely return.
I was born in 1994, and I was totally raised a free range kid. My parents believed I had the common sense and independence to do anything I set my mind too, and to ask for help if it was needed. I was allowed to walk to my grandmothers house, bike in my small TN neighborhood, to go swimming with friends, and even to hike in the area around where I live (a highly wooded area that spreads for miles and miles). I was taught how to swim and how to hike. I was taught what to do in case of an emergency and then I was allowed freedom. I’m starting nursing school this fall, and I know being raised the way I was really prepared me to face the world… not to fear it. Any future children I may have will be raised the way. I do not believe in teaching children to fear the world around them, I believe you should give them the tools it takes to explore it.
I’d like to recommend one of my favorite books, the Autobiography of Lincoln Steffens, in particular the early chapters about a most wonderful, very free-range childhood in Sacramento, CA in the 1870s – the most idyllic childhood I can imagine, of a kid who grew up to be an extraordinary man.
Okay, okay – it was a different world. The 1950s and 1960s world of my own free-range childhood (in Manhattan!) were a different world also, but not really that different. Everything people are terrified of now existed then too, but we didn’t live in fear.
My mother would get arrested for child abuse now, but I’m so grateful for the freedom I had. As with suburban kids of my generation, my parents didn’t know where I was between school and dinner – I was free to roam around. I started riding buses and subways by myself when I was 9. It was important to me to have my own life, separate from my family. I can’t even imagine how suffocated I would have felt if I hadn’t.
Have you seen this: http://mommyish.com/stuff/video-man-attempts-to-abduct-7-year-old-girl-at-walmart-362/ Of course it’s horrible that this happened and I’m very glad the girl got away, but check out those comments! Almost every one of them is ranting and raving blaming the mother (who I agree should not have been quite so far away in a walmart, but clearly the main person at fault here is the KIDNAPPER!) and then going off about how no child should ever ever be out of your sight under any circumstances. A few free-rangers seem to have spoken up and are getting torn apart.
Have you seen the July 2012 issue of Woman’s Day magazine? The edictor’s note is about letting her young teens go to professional baseball games in NYC on their own. And there is a nice long article about the benefits of free-range-style parenting.
So we just spent 3 weeks traveling up the East Coast of Australia. Some moments that reminded me of the FRK movement: encouraging my 7yo to take candy from a stranger at a ferry terminal, letting her go to the toilet by herself in quite a few public places, not panicking when multiple old men at a communal dinner at a desolate caravan park told her repeatedly how gorgeous she was and even touched her affectionately, letting her go on rides by herself at theme parks, encouraging her to talk to strangers to ask if she could pat their dog.
Yesterday at our primary school we had gardening day – what a lovely day of all the students aged from 5 years to 12 years participating. Kids had shovels, rakes, wheelbarrows and spades – kids all happy moving mulch around and pulling out weeds. They were free to roam around the school grounds helping out where needed. Parents were there as well. No-one lost a toe from the misuse of a metal shovel or rake, kids got dirty, played in the mulch, threw dirt at each other and generally had a great time. Freerange kids not afraid to get down and get muddy. Lovely day at school. At 2.30 we rang the school bell and all the kids returned to their own classrooms, dirty, happy and all accounted for. Can’t wait till next years gardening day. A great learning experience for many of students live in home units without gardens.
I fully support independence in our children, but we do still have to do so within reason. While our children won’t all be the next Leiby Kletzky, I won’t be having my Noah walking home from Main Street, until 10-12 years old.
I believe in safe “free ranging” with my kids. My biggest critic has been my now 13 year old daughter.
When she was young, we lived in a townhouse community near a major metro station. It was a commuter neighborhood where there were few other children and fewer adults at home. We also lived on the major street that went through the community where people sped without thought, as were not looking for kids playing since there weren’t many. When she and I walked through the neighborhood she held my hand wherever we went, including our regular walks to the local mall which had some gang issues.
Fast forward. Shortly after her 6th birthday, we had twin girls. A year later, in need of space, we moved to a single family house at the end of a quiet cul de sac with several stay at home moms in residence. When she was 8 or so I allowed, ne encouraged her to walk to her friend’s house around the corner. She called me when she got there. This became a regular part of her routine as she grew older, and her friend would often walk to our house as well with out parental supervision.
As the twins grew, since the neighborhood was different, they had more freedoms than she had had at the same age, I played with them in the front yard, and on the driveway before they were 2. At 3, I let them wander into the street in font of our house. At around age 4, I allowed them to play in the neighbor’s yard without me. All of this was met with unbelievable outrage. At age 5, when they walked to the bus stop for Kindergarten (with her in tow), she would get very upset that they would not hold her or my hand, and that I, did nothing about it. At age 6, I allowed them to walk themselves down to said neighbor’s yard alone and play there, and come home themselves.
You’d think I’m the worst mom ever!!!! She has gotten over it in the past year or so, but still questions my looser hold on them than I had on her. Her sisters are more independent than she was at the same age, but circumstances dictate how we raise our children,
Situation and environment are everything. Along with maturity, and problem solving skills of the children involved. Do what you think is best to keep your kid safe, and growing.
I have two girls, 7 & 11. My 11 year old loves to ride her bike around the neighborhood and I get a lot of slack for allowing her. I have educated my daughter about strangers, never approach anyone and give her my cell. She is almost the same size of me and a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. I just wished other parents in the neighborhood would let their kids ride with her!
I am sad tonight. I have been raising my two sons (4 and 2) to be kids. They don’t watch a lot of tv, we don’t own a video game system, they don’t have “character” toys, mostly just trucks and tools… they love trucks and tools. Tonight we were out with some other kids who knew all of the tv shows, all of the characters and everything that the world has decided they need to know about. My 4 year old continued to give them ideas of games to play (games like “cooking chef” where he pretends to cook), and of course the kids did not want to play any of his games. On the way home we was so sad about it. We talked, a lot about it, I explained that he could try their games, or just play what he wanted by himself. He was still sad though, and brought it up again at bedtime.
I feel in my heart that I am doing the right thing for my kids, but are my decisions making them outcasts? Are there really that few kids who can use their imaginations anymore? I can’t see myself buying all of the Disney junk, or allowing them to watch tv instead of playing outside for them to fit in better. I don’t want to be that mom, but I really don’t want to see my son so sad either.
Sara: Yes indeed, every time something like that happens there is always outrage at the parents. When Mickey Shunick was abducted after riding her bike home at 3AM, people expressed that she should be not riding home at night, despite the fact she was a full grown woman. We should stop blaming people for the despicable acts of others.
I completely agree I’m living in Upstate new York in the same village that my mother grew up in and when I was a kids I was outside 4-6 hours a day playing with other kids in the neighborhood. Now in my mom’s village there tons of kids but you never see them outside. And when you do see kids outside the parents are like restricting what the kids can do and it is usually for no more than a few minutes! If that were me at that age I’d go insane!
Also I girl that I went to high school who lives in my neighborhood her parents won’t let her go outside on her own because they afraid that she might get raped ok that’s a good concern and understandable, however how is she going to develop as an adult if she can’t do normal teenage things like hanging out with friends and going outside! Now I have ADD and I have to go outside once in a while or else i go nuts! Also One of my cousin’s who has a 7 year old and a 5 year old gets her kids outside as much as possible. But when ever she try’s to set up play dates with other kids the parents. just say that they can’t and that they are afraid for their kids going outside that something terrible might happen even though that my cousin who is also a parent will be watching them.
A little humor (careful clicking other links, though… some stuff on this site is not safe for work/kids):
http://www.mandatory.com/2012/05/08/2012/04/12/if-pinterest-was-honest/#photo=2
I’m a male who was born in 1967, raised in small towns all across Kansas. My mother would have fit right in with the helicopter moms of today. To start with I had a corner to stay in at the local newspaper my folks owned, the only shocker was that I was allowed to walk the 2 blocks from school to the paper, but I wasn’t allowed to play out back because the alley was dangerous, this is a town of less than a thousand. I wasn’t allowed to leave the yard till I was about 12 or 13 and then it was only across the street to the park (different town a bit larger about 3,000) , a year or so later due to a friend ( my mom acted as a baby sitter for a child of a coworker of my dad’s) finally was allowed to take off on my bike and and roam a bit, but I had to be home for every meal and my curfew was 8:30 pm, now this wasn’t just a school night curfew this was a 7 day a week, 365 day a year curfew until I left for basic training, and graduation night I had to beg to stay out one more hour. Now speaking of school I asked to play sports, the answer was no, my dad said ” You go to school to learn, not travel all over the state and play childish games.”
Now why did I put up with this ? My dad was WW2/ Korea veteran I got slapped and smacked more than once for questioning moms rules, once dad took my house key and told me I had to be home before him or I was locked out for the night ( dad was home at 5:30 like clock work). Now I know you are thinking you should have took off. But to where ? The isolation they created by not allowing me to interact with my with my peers also created a situation where I was rejected by them and I had only one friend, he too was an outsider and he lived 12 miles out of town, so that was not an option. And if I had taken off mom would have insisted I be found and brought home.
Needless to say, all this helicoptering resulted in me not being prepared for an adult life, my military experience was a flop, my attempt at relationships resulted in 3 kids from two different women and a failed marriage and too many jobs to list. I’m a 45 year old man sitting here alone but for the company of two cats, I’d like to travel and see things, but the fear created by the way I was raised makes me feel safer getting home after work and locking the door and pulling the shades.
By all means over protect the little darlings, you’ll keep the psychiatrists in business and pharmaceutical companies making all sorts of medication to fix the problems.
The city where I live is promoting free ranging. Kids under 16 who are city residents can ride any of the 5 local bus lines for free during the summer holidays. They just need to show a school ID card and don’t have to be accompanied by an adult. My son, who normally rides his bike all over town, started riding the bus with a friend who has more experience with the local public transportation system. We’re currently having a heat wave and my son prefers the bus to his bike because the bus has some air conditioning. In the short time that he has been riding the bus, he has figured out both how to read a bus schedule and how long it takes to go from Point A to Point B on a bus.
I think that learning how to use public transportation is an essential skill, especially in Europe. With gas being around $8/gallon, most older teenagers either ride their bikes or use public transportation to go places. Most parents here don’t buy their kids a car when they get their driving licenses. The nice thing about kids using public transportation is that nobody asks them where their parents are. It is a normal thing, at least in Germany, to see kids age 10 and up on a bus or train without an adult.
As an aside, today the whole family went to the top of one of the local mountains where we often ski in the winter. My son got a headache from the altitude. My husband and I wanted to stay up there longer and have a picnic lunch. We told our son to wait for us by the gondola entrance. After a few minutes he called to say that his headache was getting worse and he wanted to go home (both he and my husband had their phones with them). Since he knew how to take the gondola, walk to the train station 200 meters away, and get off the train at the right place, we told him he could go home early. Nobody on the gondola or train questioned my son as to the whereabouts of his parents or other adults. I can’t imagine living in a place where I would be charged for child endangerment or neglect for letting a 13-year-old ride a gondola and train on his own. In my opinion it would have been more negligent to force him to stay at the peak and risk him developing a worse case of altitude sickness. On a happy note, the headache went away by the time he got home.
My entire world, everyone I knew growing up in the 60s was free range. Our parents cared, but didn’t coddle. They were responsible without being ridiculous. We always felt safe, even when being chased by older kids from other neighborhoods. My childhood, to me, was, not simply the best time of my life but was an exceptionally free and rewarding time.
It was a great lesson, to be trusted to make good decisions, and got in plenty of trouble when we didn’t. And because of that, I don’t need the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head in order to be a good person.
I look around today at the nanny-state, the uber-paranoid moms and dads, and I know that their kids will end up being, to any degree, more paranoid than their parents.
We raised my son in what I call a European style. Freedom to speak his mind, to question all authority, to have a few sips of wine when we eat Italian food, to know how to use a gun and what to do with one if one is found unsupervised, to know that we fully expect him to accept the punishment when he does something to which he didn’t give enough though.
For this, we are total outcasts, in this yuppie, consumer driven country. That’s fine though, I personally cannot stomach the obnoxious blabber emanating from their 2-shot-soy-latte-carmel-Macchiato-pie-holes.
Hey, Free Range Kids, you have good moms and dads that, at this time in history, are taking a lot of crap, for making adults out of you. Go figure….
right on! (though i do like my starbucks coffee!!) L Lenore Skenazy Author of the bookand blog, Free-Range Kids Host of Discovery/TLC International’s “World’s Worst Mom” (the title is ironic!). Here’s a 2-minutesample. Busy twittering atFreeRangeKids And while we’re at it, also author of the trivia book that puts the fun in short term memory loss:”Who’s The Blonde that Married What’s-His-Name?” 646 734 8426(cell)
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iskenazy – Food for thought…. caffeine does not give you energy. What is does is, stimulates your fight or flight response. That’s why people that over do coffee, get jittery and find themselves in a bad, sour, argumentative mood from the sustained nervousness of being in a state of constant fight or flight.
Tea contains small amounts of caffeine that is countered by theanine. Writers have consumed tea for this reason. not consciously of course.
Lessons from a geek, signing out 🙂
After reading about free range parents I couldn’t help but think that this is just how kids in my and earlier generations were raised. There just wasn’t a label for. It was parents having more faith in their kids and working together to keep an eye out for each others kids. My brother and I just called it playing outside, riding our bikes, running to the store for milk when mom asked us too etc.
I have noticed a serious decline in kids self esteem, confidence, and pride in themselves over the last 30 years and wondered why. I think we have unknowingly caused this with hyper involvement, fixing too much of their problems for them, and telling them what they should feel vs letting them just feel. We seem to have stopped allowing our kids to decide for themselves something so simple as whether or not they are cold, and in doing so we teach them not to trust their own instincts. Why aren’t our children supposed to feel fear? How do they know when they should be scared and how to cope? Why aren’t they supposed to feel pain? Isn’t this how we grow and learn how important good choices are? It seems so simple…My son once told me that his favorite thing about me was that when he made a mistake I let him make it again. I think that was a good thing. He learned that there is redemption, a chance to learn and have a second chance. I was called a hippy, but my kids just called me mom.
I recognize that their are many dangers out there facing our kids today, pretty much the same ones we faced, but I strongly feel that per capita there are not more dangerous people out there who will harm our children than in the past, we simply are more aware of it due to the media, internet, and sensationalism of crimes against children. It has understandably made us more sensitive to it and our natural instinct is to over protect, but to what end?
My hat is off to parents who have the courage to raise their kids the way they feel is best and not caving to public opinion, or child experts who seem often seem desperate to appear useful. This strength and confidence will surely see the next generation through the trails and hardships they are sure to face. And having experienced life in the truest and most honest form they will also experience it’s joys and gifts to the fullest only because they have experienced both.
Kudos to all you “free range parents.”
Deborah, nice post. A word about fear: My oldest was afraid of dogs. And why shouldn’t she be? A dog is a carnivore with sharp teeth. Add a snarl or growl, and it’s terrifying. I believe it’s natural to fear dogs, who are after all descended from wolves. Yet people love to point out fear of dogs as some sort of character flaw. No matter that from the age of one this same kid was a climber par excellence, who knew no fear when it came to her favorite “sport”. But for this I was criticized for being negligent. No matter that climbing is a natural human urge.
Child no. 2 was afraid of cars. She would grab my hand at crosswalks and shrink back as cars neared. Duh. What’s a car? Two tons of metal coming at you at high speeds. She was actually displaying smarts by being afraid of cars. But of course she was called a fraidy cat.
How many kids do you know who’ve actually fallen from playground heights to their deaths? Right. And how many kids get hit by cars or mauled by dogs? Right. So what does it make more sense to fear? I rest my case.
I made my daughter scared of cars and deep water when she was a toddler by telling her in no uncertain terms that they could kill. And I warned her about being bitten by a strange dog if she scared them by touching them without warning (because she never showed any fear of them).
But I also taught her that blind fear itself is dangerous. I cannot think of anyhting more dangerous than a child panicking because of an approaching car or dog. Both could get them hit by traffic quite easily.
So I taught my daughter the skills on how to deal with traffic and strange dogs and sent her to swimming lessons. And from then on I didn’t react with much sympathy to a fearful reaction because I expected her to keep a cool head so she could use her brain to figure out how to deal with the dangers.
And as far as the dogs go… You can hardly argue that there is a close link between wolves and our domesticated dogs. The vast majority of dogs you will meet in town are friendly and the risk of getting bitten by them if you mind your own business is very low. If you have the misfortune of meeting the rare ones that have been ruined by irresponsible owners and may attack, screaming or running are the worst reactions to have.
So yes, fears are natural and it is stupid to mock kids for being fearful. But in order to keep yourself safe, you have to learn how to overcome your fears and gain the skills to deal with the dangers you encounter.
You’re right, linvo. With my oldest, when we were getting ready to enter the home of dog owners, I told her, “I’ll pick you up and carry you in if you want. You’re allowed to be scared; you are not allowed to scream and carry on.” In other words, your feelings are yours; your behavior is to be controlled. She behaved accordingly. She knew we respected her fear and had her back.
Regarding traffic, I’ve written here many times about teaching kids about traffic and I of course did so. I didn’t just feed the fear without giving them the tools. And “look both ways” isn’t enough: Kids need to be taught distance and depth judgement, forward and reverse, what backing up means, etc. Someone wrote here that s/he instructed her kids to make eye contact with drivers to be certain that drivers see them, as it’s really the only foolproof way to cross. So it doesn’t end at fear. I was just stating that fear is legitimate and shouldn’t be minimized or scorned, but rather acknowledged and learned from.
i love reading this blog! i’m not a parent, i’m 16, but the free range philosophy really resonates with me; i wish my mom could trust me to walk to mcdonald’s, or take a bus into the city and go shopping with my friends. Children, and especially young women, are taught that to simply exist and be out in public alone is inherently dangerous, and you WILL get raped. It’s very sad.
Today, half of the adults present at a church picnic were judgmental towards me in various ways because (gasp) I let my 2- and 3-year-old play in the dirt. 2 other kids around their ages tried to join in and their mothers gave that a firm, “No!” We were outside! For an hour! Why would I want my kids just sitting around doing nothing and looking cute for that long when they could be enjoying things outside.
When they first found their pile of dust and started tracing their fingers in it, several parents called out to me to tell me the kids were playing in the dirt. Duh. I’m right here! I know where my kids are. I’m going to go throw our trash away now and leave them RIGHT THERE in the dirt.
People figured out I was cool with it, but for the remaining 15 or 20 minutes that they smeared dirt around while other kids glanced over now and then with longing looks on their faces, I kept catching other adults, young and old, giving me disapproving looks, which morphed into big, fake smiles as soon as they caught my eye.
The really interesting thing to note was that today’s worship service took place outside. The point of everything–sermon, hymns, choir music, EVERYTHING–was the beauty that is God’s creation. But it’s only beautiful if it’s not getting your church clothes dirty, I suppose.
ECSartain Goor for you!
I had a neighbor who’s daughter I had watched from infancy to crawling as a favor (to me!) because mom was concerned her daughter wouldn’t get held enough in daycare. Several weeks after she started at this daycare mom came over to my house crying. She was upset and thinking she had to find a new place for her, because she was always so dirty when she picked her up. I said, “That is fantastic! It means she had fun! She wasn’t sitting inside in front of the television all day!” My neighbor was trying very hard to be a good mom, and this just hadn’t occured to her. Sometimes we need people like you to make us see what kind of parent we can be if we open our minds and are secure enough to parent as we feel is best for our kids.
My mom let us play in mud puddles, the rain, with snakes and bugs, and I don’t think it ever occured to her that we would do otherwise. My kids did the same…I guess I didn’t know any better either (;
How sad those other kids didn’t get to enjoy playing outside, and how wonderful for yours!
Kudos! We all have a right to walk in this world. My daughter walks herself to her piano lessons and several friends houses. I allow her to be dropped off by friends and let herself in to await my return. I have signed her up for many camps this summer due to my need for child care and the dearth of other free-rangers. And it saddens me so that these kids have to be institutionalized – now matter how fun a camp is – like special needs citizens. They have made enough laniards, damn it! The big issue I fear most is not so much strangers – it’s cars. Angry, self-important, frenzied drivers, and yes, many of them speeding around driving their kids to the next scheduled event. Add to that insane parking lots and no sidewalks and I feel pedestrian safety is our bigger concern.
Way to go! Parenting is about much more than “keeping up appearances.”
I’m a reader from Germany and I always thought we were mostly immune against stranger danger hysteria. But this weekend I was waiting for the subway with my daughter and her best friend. The girls were talking about how to do braids. A woman stood beside us and started talking with the girls and said she could show them how to do a braid with only two strands. Then she interrupted herself and asked me if I agreed. I said: “What if I said no?” “You know, some parents don’t like that” “That you are talking to the kids? Because you’re a stranger?” She nodded. I was really puzzled, it was the first time I heard something like that. The women braided my daughters hair, the subway came and we went in. (Unfortunately we had no hair tie, so the braid fell apart immediately). And I thought that we could have missed a nice and friendly person if I had stopped the conversation.
Hi! My daughter is a sensible and responsible 17 year old now, and has always been a free range kid. I’m a single, working mother, so she’s had to be self reliant from a young age, and she’s thrived on the freedom and the responsibility.
When she was 3, we moved to a small city in China, and she walked alone to her kindergarten, a block away on our college campus. It was safe, because there were always at least a dozen people keeping an eye on her the entire way. There’s not much privacy there, but it was a great place to live with a free range preschooler. We returned to the U.S. when she was 5.
I agree with others who have posted that one of the biggest obstacles to raising a free range kid is that there aren’t any other kids out on the street here in the U.S. My daughter was about the only child who walked to her elementary school, the only child who got to her middle school under her own steam (she biked) and she had to deal with the extra risk of being the only one out there. I taught her early to keep an eagle eye out for careless motorists (by far the biggest risk).
I bought her a cell phone when she started taking the public bus at age 11, and that worked well. She’s responsible, but has a terrible sense of direction. (Every child has their strengths and their weaknesses.) She flew to/from China alone when she was 15 to visit friends, and is planning to return next summer for one year internship in Beijing.
When it comes to dealing with strangers, I’ve always advised my daughter to do the picking, and not to allow strangers to pick her. She has great judgment about people, and besides most people are safe and trustworthy. She had one iffy experience several years ago while waiting for a bus, when a man in a white van tried to lure her into his vehicle, and she immediately walked away from him and got on her cell phone, so he quickly left. She learned a valuable lesson about handling risky situations, and she handled it well.
Frankly, I fear for these children that are raised to be dependent. At what age will they learn how to take care of themselves? It seems so much riskier to me to not teach your children how to take care of themselves while they are still young enough to want to listen to you. By they time they are teenagers, no doubt they’ve already learned to sneak around to do the things their parents won’t let them do. My daughter knows to trust me when I warn her about certain dangerous activities because I haven’t been “crying wolf” all her life.
Thanks so much for all your efforts to support those of us who want our children to enjoy freedom and responsibility. You are doing a great public service!
Now this is a real free range kid, the link takes you to a You Tube video I’m not going to spoil it but please watch it. One Cool Dad.
I commute by bike to work daily. It is only about 2 1/2 miles but it is on busy streets in San Francisco. It was wonderful yesterday to chat with an 11 year old boy at a stoplight about how much we both enjoy biking. He bikes the same route I do plus another half mile from home to school. It was so wonderful to see a confident, competent young person who wasn’t afraid to talk with a 63 year old fellow cyclist on her bike. It was certainly a rare sight.
I’m a father of four children – two boy and two girls – and a free ranger. I started a company to thread one of the needles in the Us v Them parenting styles. “Them” parents won’t let their kids out of their sight and in our town, its almost weird to see kids walking down the street by themselves (sadly). Our company has launched a website that Kids can use to conduct food drives and other types of charity drives. They can run these drives very independently because they don’t need to ask their parents to drive them anywhere – the drives are done virtually – no collection boxes, no food to take to the pantry – our company handles all of the logistics of getting the food to the right place. We’ve had middle school, high school and college aged kids use our system with great success (and great feedback to us). Parents like it because it’s safe, kids like it because they can do it by themselves, we like it because its all about helping those less fortunate. If you’re interested, visit YouGiveGoods.com
I’m a MOR (middle-of-the-road) parent. Two young girls were recently abducted from a small town near ours and I am aware that it can happen.
On the other hand, I am logical. We walk to school because it takes longer to drive. My kids occasionally walk by themselves.
When I showed up on the first day of kindergarten to pick up my son a few weeks ago, his teacher had lost him. I didn’t panic (although she did) and just went to look for him. After all, no other parents wanted to take an extra kid home that night. . .the school is bordered by only two streets and both have crossing guards. I found him chatting with one of the crossing guards; he had recognized her from school and thought she would be good to hang out with until I found him.
I think that our freedom with borders approach helped him in this situation. He didn’t panic, didn’t cry, wasn’t traumatized.
Thanks for your words!
Taking my boys to the playground used to give me intense anxiety. Not because I feared for them, but because I hated having to deal with all the parents who seemed to expect me to follow them around and police their every thought and function, just like they were. I hated the ugly looks and the disapproving comments, but mostly I hated the way they spoke to my boys when they tried to introduce themselves to their kids or engage them in any kind of imaginative play. I felt it was confusing for my boys to have every interaction dissected and analyzed by a hovering parent. My kids are super outgoing and personable, and it just broke my heart every time a controlling parent would interrupt their interactions and shuffle their children away from my “wild child”. I felt guilty for withering every time they asked me to go to the park…
Now, its become a rather enjoyable past-time. I go to the playground, which I refer to as “helicopter central” and set them loose on the unsuspecting moms and dads. I listen and laugh at the insanity of the parents trying to control the experience for their kids, and nod in approval when my boys attempts at free play fluster them! I still get the looks and hear the whispers, but I just smile and wave and hug my kids. I figure if I am making a confident example of myself, then they wont feel confused or let down or that they are intruding on anyone, and they wont loose that precious love and free acceptance that they were born with;)
Hi Lenore,
I found the site ages ago and bought 3 or 4 copies of your book long before I had a child. Reading the “for or against” made me think of a video I took recently of my 2 year old making eggs for breakfast. He was supervised and not doing anything that he hasn’t seen daddy do countless times. As his father I accepted the risks. I can imagine though that if I put the movie on the Web I may get a visit from child protective services.
I’m going to keep trying. I was a very independent child (4th of 4 helped) but I don’t wonder why or how I ended up with a job where I use my social skills daily.
I can’t wait to send you a link about my 5 year old walking to school (4 blocks) and riding the Chicago metro (one of his favorite activities)
Hello. I stumbled across this thread by happenstance, and in spite of being an addict and criminal, I’m still a father… my son is in fact the reason i ever struggle to better myself btw, and hopefully soon I’ll be able to be in his life again as he’s the only reason i care about avoiding institutions, incarcerations, and death. I’m not a violent, or “not my problem” negator, but I know some of the darkest souls to exist, and I know the streets of Salt Lake… North Salt Lake and I’d say Murray are safe areas, but it’s always been a small world and the highest profile missing persons cases tend to be struck up close to home. Yes, teach Street smarts and emergency protocol WITH contingency support, but constant and frequent communication is the best measure to know If and When something may be wrong, and likely Where to start. Oh and for parents of teens, nothing good comes from ‘the Block’ aka that drug commune labeled The Road Home… Even the dollar 8 packs of cigarettes are bad. Pay attention to details your child mentions to make sure things add up also, cause when they don’t something may be wrong – activity wise or emotionally. Ah, and the buddy system may inadvertantly create peer pressure, but it’s still the best policy in regard to strength and safety in numbers.
The Fragile Generation
This is a great article. Read it although it is long.
I was a “free range” child. My daughter has some “free range.” My grandson has the “line of sight rule.” In three generations America has changed completely. We have gone from “free range” to almost total control.
No one wants their child to be hurt. Growing up requires making decisions and learning from those decisions. I started walking over a mile to school when I was six. There was a crossing guard on the major highway but not at another dangerous intersection. I knew I had to ‘pay attention’ or I would be run over by a car. Because I walked to school, I learned the roads in the area. I had friends on both sides of the highway. I knew I had to be home when it became dark. We also had a “gong.” It has a big piece of metal on a leather throng, hit with a hammer. It would be heard a long way off.
I did have some scary experiences. I picked up a rock and it had a snake under it. I was yelled at and even chased. I actually wondered around SE Washington DC in the 1950s. I learned to be careful and observe my surroundings. When I went to junior high, I had to walk through a big field. There was a short cut through the woods. If I was with a friend I would go through the woods, if I was alone, I would go around. I was in someone’s line of sight. I had to figure this all out myself. I do not know of anyone who was kidnaped, hurt or killed.
My daughter grew up in Reston, VA. She was allowed to wander the neighborhood. There were many children around. She had to go find someone to play with just as I had done.
My grandson has everything planned. Yes, there are snakes in the woods. I knew the woods like the back of my hand. I knew moss was on the north side. I knew how to tell the points of the compass. On occasion I did get lost but I figured it out.
I did get hit by a swing so I learned to be more careful around them. I fell off the monkey bars but I learned to be more careful. I did what any normal child would do if given a chance. I climbed trees. I walked on downed trees over river beds. I could have been hurt but I was careful.
When my daughter was growing up I was also a stay at home mom. If I heard a commotion at the bus stop I would look into it. If I heard someone crying on the path behind my house I would help. Today many mothers work full time – no one is home.
I do not have a perfect solution but I do know children must be able to have unstructured play. I build cities; I designed a system on the cosmos. I figured out how to avoid the bullies.
Hi. I read you article The Fragile Generation. For the most part I absolutely loved it and agreed with many aspects of it. I am often frustrated by the over protection expected in our society and overly cautious parents and rules. I also am frustrated by the culture of fear surrounding parenting and kids nowdays.
But, I do think some of your points were very blind to systemic racism and implicit racism. I do not believe this is because you are racist, I am wondering if it is due to a lack of a thourough analysis of racism (which our culture ensures white people do not get so we stay blind to it). I am not trying to make you uncomfortabe or defensive. I would love to have a conversation with you about all of this.
If you would be willing and have the time my phone number is 216-316-2794. I really hope to hear from you. Your organization sounds amazing. But I also know (through my own mistakes and harms I have unintentionally caused to people of color) that we as white people can be implicitely racist and cause harm with the best of intentions.
I hope to talk soon.
I would love to join this movement!
my children are selling and smoking marijuana drinking,introduced to other drugs, the father is teaching them how to make marijuana cookies and brownies and allowing the boys to have drunken parties, orgies in their home … the judge let them go because i am an over protective mother…they are 17, 14 and 12
How do I fight this
You should live out in the country then if you don’t want to watch the offsprings you brought into the world. I for one raised my child and don’t want to have neglected unruly annoying kids running around screaming and trespassing in my neighborhood!!!!!!! They don’t belong in the street keep them in your own yard instead of allowing free range annoying nuisances to disrupt your neighborhood!!!!!! If you want to be a parent take responsibility for your kids or give them up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a child that was raised in various places, like the mountain, I have to say me and my cousins had a lot of liberty on our hands, but we were taught how to use it. We were explained the dangers and yes there were quite a few if you think about it, but I look back and say I am absolutely glad I had that freedom to roam freely through the trails, go down to the river, walk the long roads that led to our friends houses, take the reallyyy old bus that took us to the city and have the freedom to roam it freely as well. If I would have had a hovering parent always trying to catch me every time I fell I would have never learned anything! I would have been raised in a crystal ball ready to shatter any moment in the real World I live in now (hard and crude at times, but very fulfilling). Thanks to those falls and bruises I am an independent woman who isn’t afraid to fend for herself. I was able to travel far away from my parents to study abroad and have been living by myself for many years. I remember a friend who had a hovering parent always going insane at the smallest thing she would do and when she tried to study far from home she broke down and went all soft on life. She had to quit her career and leave behind everything she tried to build just to go back to mom and dad. This is what I am talking about, limiting A LOT at a young age WILL make your child very dependent in future more mature years (this is not the only example). It is all about balance people and learning how to teach your child how to use the necessary tools to roam with a certain degree of freedom in this universe. They aren’t dumb, if you learn how to reach to them, so please take care of your children, but don’t treat them like their made of blown glass for peak sake! Kids will fall, bruise and get into trouble no matter how hard you try to keep them safe… and besides being cooped up in the house watching TV or using the internet all day is no better!
And for those who live in the city, trust me the mountain is no different as far as potential dangers. Of course I lived in Costa Rica not the US where it seems this topic is a much more heated argument…
Hope this helps in any way, since it is just my humble perspective from the life I led. I know each case is always going to be very different, that’s where each and every ones critical thinking should come into play. Byeeee.
I grew up in the Netherlands, ergo I had a lot of freedom. Independence is deeply ingrained in our society. Therefore walking our biking home from school is considered normal. Nothing radical about that. That said, I’ve seen a rise of free range kids advocates in the UK who’ve started pulling their kids out of school and have no rules at all. If that isn’t you, then bravo.
Again kids must also learn that there are consequences tied to their actions if they want to become productive members of society. If a child does not learn discipline from time to time, they get used to instant gratification. That would in and of itself make them vulnerable as they’ll expect their needs to be met immediately and get frustrated otherwise. Additionally, education should be strongly encouraged and prioritised even if the child would prefer to go out and play instead. I think the best method is to compromise, find the middle ground.
You kidding me? I lock my kid out of the house from the time he finishes breakfast until the street lights come on, at seven years old, and without a cellphone! If he’s thirsty, there is a water hose, if he wants a snack there are snacks in the fridge outside in the garage, he will survive and be just fine.