For or Against?
If you’re all for raising a Free Range Kid, great! What are you doing — and what’s the reaction among friends and family? Any way of convincing them that you’re not crazy? Tell your story! Give tips! Start a movement!
Of course, if you are against the whole idea of letting your kid out of your sight, please explain why — especially if YOU were raised with a lot more freedom. Free Range Kids believes in safety, but we also believe that a lot of parents are going overboard, creating quivering masses of helplessness instead of independent humans. What makes you think you’re right and we’re wrong?
Dumbass!
Rock on! I don’t even have kids, but I think you are right on!
I am strongly for raising a free range kid. Due to the lack of good child care, my daughter would sometimes ride her bike home from school and wait until I could come home. She called me when she got home and locked all doors. She loved it. From time to time, after I’m home during down time, she rides her bike around the neighborhood. Still scary to me but I’m learning not to be so protective.
When I was very young my two brothers along with three other boys fell through the ice on a small pond and drowned. If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive. There are still old timers around today that remember this horrible event.
You are giving dangerous advice and gambling with your childs life.
I love this! I have long purported to nay-sayers that we actually live in a safer, less threatening society than we are told- AND I regularly give my children chores, they take on big people responsibility, and they self-monitoring, self-assessing, and they even get to ride their bikes the mile of country roads to their grandparent’s home.
I think it is great that you have started this! How will we turn out the next generation of world leaders if they don’t know how to cross the street!
Thank you!
Margie Andrews, Mom, Teacher, Dairy Farmer
My husband and I were just discussing, how we grew up in the 70’s without any cell phones, computers etc. With two kids under 5, i’m hoping that we can have this same sense of raising our kids not to be so fearful to the point of living in a bubble.
We don’t have subways where I live. And I like the idea of my kids walking to school with friends and riding bikes to the local park and library, these are all normal things.
The scary part is that we are so over informed with the listing of child predators, that I believe we live in fear of our kids and only want to protect them.
I will continue to visit your site as my kids grow of independence age to come up with simple ways to allow them some normal childhood freedoms.
Kudos for being brave! With trust in God, we should be able to raise happy, healthy, and harm free kids!
I am listening to you on KNPR, Las Vegas as I write and thank you for making my day. You have voiced, along with George Carlin, my sentiments and a great absurdity in our lives. I don’t know where we went wrong, but our kids are incapable of functioning in society until they go to college, and then only if they happen to room with a “fear-free” kid. I used to ride the NY subways from Brooklyn to Manhattan and back, to visit my grandfather at work. No cell phones, but a dime for pay phones as the only way to stay in contact with my grandmother. As long as I returned on time, my grandparents assumed I was capable of taking care of myself. We played outside all day, after school and weekends. My mom had a school bell to call us when she wanted us to come home and rarely had to use it.
Parents are afraid of one thing; adults abusing or abducting their kids. They are so protective that they are incapable of properly disciplining their kids. Kids grow up with no idea of right and wrong and are not able to cope with any normal occurrence, let alone abnormal ones. I give humans less than 100 years left on this planet and the time is shrinking!
I was born in 1961, just at the end of the era when your toys could kill you. Now, we live in the age of rounded corners of molded plastic, warning labels, and disclaimers. For some reason, we now believe the risks of childhood can and should be completely eliminated. What we’ve gained is the perception that we are in constant morbid peril. What we’ve eliminated is our tolerance for any risk, and independent thought.
My first memory of an independent action is from when I was seven. I was allowed to, bridle, saddle, and ride a horse for three miles, by myself. At 33, I can clearly remember the sense of adventure, responsibility and above all, PRIDE.
I hear a word being used more and more: helicopter parents. They hover around their children and never let them act independently.
Thanks,
Roger
I’m 14 years old. I think that the idea of more freedom would be good for teenagers, because it may stop them from wanting to lash out and go to the extreme. I like your advice, but it may be a little too much. Freedom is good, but I think that the idea of a 9 year old alone in NY really freaked some parents out.
Charlotte
I used to worry about my children a lot, and wouldn’t let my pre-teen son walk to the library in my southwest Portland neighborhood.
Then we moved to the country, where my 10-year-old is now allowed to walk on the tops of 5-foot tall fences, hang out in the pasture with horses, cope with a cantankerous rooster and encounter all kinds of tetanus-inducing sharp objects.
A year later, my kids are fine. Nobody has needed stitches. This experience has caused me to rethink how I raise my kids. We need to teach our children how to be safe and how to use their wits and not worry so much about rare tragedies.
congradulations!!! you are empowering your son to be responsible for himself. we live in a small town. my kids walk to school, the library, the pharmacy, the movies in our little 3 block ‘downtown’, to karate class, to piano lessons, to friends houses, the ice cream shop. i have friends who think i am crazy! but my kids, who are 15, 13 and 13 have grown up being responsible for themselves and aware of their environment and people around them. my 15 year old daughter took the train into philadelphia with a couple of her friends to shop and hang out for the day and some people can’t believe i let her go. but they had a blast and it was an excellent exercise for her self-esteem and confidence. there is so much coddling going on today. people want there to be no risks and everything to be perfectly safe. but the world is not risk free. bad things happen. living in fear or being paranoid about that thing that may never happen is sick. kids must have opportunities to spread their wings, learn responsibility and gain confidence in being able to navigate in this world of ours. i think it is a sad reflection on the state of society today how so many people have reacted negatively to this great event (which shouldn’t really be such a big deal…
in your son’s young life. good for you and for him!
my husband and i are definitely free range parents and don’t understand parents who are horrified that we are.
Thank you for letting your son find his way home and letting the world know that nothing awful happened. When my younger sister and I were in grade school, my mother would send us outside shortly after we got home. We weren’t allowed to come back in until dinner time. We are both still alive and well. I was also rarely accompanied to the bus stop or school even though I had a penchant for getting lost on the way. And obviously, I am still here to tell about it. As a matter of fact, I don’t fear getting lost as an adult. I always found my way home and know that I will get where I’m going even if I take a few wrong turns along the way. I have a feeling that I would have terrible fear of getting lost now had I not been allowed to get lost as a child.
I now have an infant son of my own and hope to raise him to be independent. That means letting him go places by himself as he is ready to just as my parents let me go places on my own. I don’t want him to fear the world, I want him to live in it. After all, there will come a time when I won’t be there to hold his hand, much as I may want to. If he can’t hold his own, I will have failed as a parent.
So keep on letting your son explore independence and don’t let the naysayers get to you!
Meghan
Both my daughter and son have been in scouts and have received survival, self-defense, first aid, cpr, lifeguarding, and orienteering training, etc., and have actually used the newly acquired skills in a supervised setting - where the adults let the kids make and then hopefully learn from their mistakes. I also am big on map reading and feel confident that given a map, my kids could find their way anywhere.
My son at 17 travelled with 3 other 17 year olds (3 out of 4 are Eagle Scouts) to another state for a backpacking weekend. Yes, I was nervous, but if you tell them you are nervous, you are saying to them, in effect, that you are not confident in their skills and judgement. I was 17 when I moved away from home and started college. I think I’m doing him a favor by raising a smart, self-reliant individual with sound judgement. Not saying he’s perfect or never make mistakes, but I think he learns from them.
How are the kids being raised by Chinook Helicopter parents, who aren’t allowed to fail once in a while, going to deal with the real world outside their parents’ control?
Bravo! I took a hyperactive-attention-deficit-diagnosed ten-year-old to New York last year for a week. He had never been on any form of public transportation and had lived all of his ten years in a small Ohio town. One of the first things we did when we hit the Big Apple was to make sure he knew how to get back to our Central Park West youth hostel INDEPENDENTLY from anywhere in the city. Why? Because he commonly darts off in unpredictable directions - out of our sight - and might easily be lost in a store or a crowd. Of course, we reviewed the routes back to our hostel with him every time we ventured out into the city for the next five days. On the sixth day, he (and his 16-year-old brother) wanted to be “tested” - so we left them on their own at the World Trade Center site, and then their mother and I went in separate directions to enjoy a welcome respite from the kids and each other. At the end of the day, everyone had great adventures to share — and fine memories to keep.
Training any child (as young as possible) to be independent with public transportation is a RESPONSIBLE thing for parents to do. New York is probably the safest and most helpful big city in the world in which to do that.
I am for the idea but do think that situations can limit or advance the amount of freedom to said range. Our neighborhood has sidewalks within it but none to take you onto the main roads. The local children cannot even walk to the school (which would take approx. 10 minutes to accomplish) because they would have to walk in the street for part of the journey.
Unfortunately we didn’t realize this before settling on the house/location. We moved to the states from Ireland where we walked everywhere and though our children were too young to crawl far from home, I did see many more young children and teens out and about all the time, in many different locations, more than I see here. We need walking communities again with services and sidewalks.
About time someone raised the perceived vs real risks to children. In Tokyo you see kids on subways all the time. Today’s children are sometimes too protected in all facets of life. I guess there were no risks when I was young (50 years ago). Back in the day we would leave in the morning and return home in time for dinner. The biggest risk, we thought, was coming home late for dinner! Trips to the river for fishing, train ride to NYC (150 miles away), etc. all led to a well rounded childhood with memories. I wonder how many of today’s Nintendo generation will remember that afternoon in front of the tube….
I’m 23 years old and don’t have kids. But when I was a kid I spent all day outside and never saw my parents or grandparents (whoever was watching me at the time) until lunch and dinner. It is a healthy way to grow up because then you have all those experiences to learn from as you are growing up. I am going to raise my kids the same way, and I really appreciate you advocating this lifestyle choice. I don’t want a television and video games to raise my children for me. GO OUTSIDE DAMN IT!!!
I’m with you. I was the ultimate free range kid myself and it taught me a lot about both making good decisions and the differences between danger that is real and danger that is an illusion.
My son JR goes with me on a lot of adventures that give others heart attacks (check out the gallery on motorcyclejazz.com) but he’s orders of magnitude safer with me climbing, skiing, wandering around in the wilderness or riding dirt bikes than he is anytime he’s in a car.
Great interview on TOTN today, btw, The line about Jack the Ripper was so funny I snorted an entire diet coke through my nose.
Cheers
martin
Wow! A kindred spirit. I have always given my son as much freedom as deisred. I also NEVER discouraged him from talking to strangers. ( I explained why he shouldn’t get into cars or go off in private with them) He’s never been beat up, molested or seriously injured. He is growing up to be confident and sociable. He has his own opinions on religion and politics and I couldn’t be more proud. I also recommend the bood “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin DeBecker. It supports this idology on childrearing. Was great hearing you on the radio this morning! YOU’RE AWESOME
OK, I WANT to raise Free Range Kids, but I’m scared. My 9 year old is asking us to let him ride his bike to the park — two blocks away — and we don’t want to let him. Or rather, we WANT to let him, but we think it’s too risky. The risks I fear are these: stray dogs and crazy drivers are my biggest fears, as there are plenty of both in my neighborhood. I do worry about crazy kidnappers, but not as much as the dogs and cars. Also, the park in question is at times fine — families, kids, etc., and at other times, not fine — older kids, adults hanging out engaging in questionable activities, possibly drinking, possibly worse.
It’s an ongoing question for us…but he’s the oldest of 5, so we best come up with a plan…
Thanks for this site; I heard you on Talk of the Nation today, and if the five kids give me some time later, I hope to post on my own blog about my thoughts on the topic.
Growing up, it was a great pleasure to roam the neighborhood, if only to the corner, to knock on doors and find playmates. We were to come home when the street lights came on, and only needed to call home if we planned to be inside a house where my Mom couldn’t find us via a quick tour of the yards. We chewed on our lead toys and lived in our lead-painted houses and still grew up fairly bright.
We walked nearly a mile to school from 2nd through 12th and got to know every dog along the way, not to mention every doughnut shop. It kept us thin, healthy, and curious. If the snow was up to our knees and we arrived soaked, our teacher sat us on the radiator for a few minutes. We made our mistakes like playing in the creek after being forbidden, but a mild scolding set us straight. We walked far away from strangers who drove slowly past us and tried to ask us questions. Not a single kid in my neighborhood died trying.
I had a fair number of men expose themselves to me as a child, and it was a bit frightening and GROSS, but it helped to hone my danger radar.
I WANT MY KIDS TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM THEY NEED TO GROW! I am absolutely sickened by the isolation and the ghost town appearance of our tidy little suburb. It was built in 1950 specifically to enhance socialization, but no one comes out. Appointment required, apparently. I do not want to have to drive my kid everywhere just to play with another kid. I want to leave them a few hours without a babysitter by age 8.
My children are only 3 and 5 and do not yet have free reign of the streets. They are allowed to the corner only, and a nearby one at that. They don’t yet possess an ounce of suspicion to help keep them safe from someone offering to show them a puppy in a van. They don’t truly understand the momentum of an oncoming vehicle, or to look out for moving cars in driveways. But by six or seven, I think they should be given at least a several street range.
This biggest problem is that it seems they will be alone. Without friends to meet on the street and other Moms peeking out the window once in a while, the whole experience is limited. Finding a friend home and going in to play a video game doesn’t count as quality childhood interaction in my book. I am hoping against hope for a major reversal in the culture. Perhaps the childhood obesity phenomenon will be the kicker.
By the way, overly fearful parents are BORING conversationalists, by the way. And overly coddled kids are boring kids. Sorry. And please don’t offer me any more hand sanitizer at the natural history museum.
A growing sense of freedom is what makes childhood worth living.
Congratulations on living in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in Manhattan. Of course your son was safe. I live in the Germantown section of Philadelphia and I wouldn’t even risk waiting for the train alone here. I don’t live in Mayberry. I’m not worried about my son getting “stolen” and killed; I’m worried that my child will get beaten and brutalized by other children. Or molested. Or offered drugs. These are real fears for those of us who live in what you folks might call ghettos. I don’t have luxury of letting my young son cross town alone. He’ll have to wait until he is big enough not to be picked on.
Good for you! I, too, have a 9 year old boy. My friends think I am nuts for letting him walk the 1/2 mile to school alone or with a friend. He goes to the park, goes to the school playground after hours. Heads out the door with a yell, “Mom, I’m going to see whose around!” Just like we did back in the 70’s. I am astounded that my friends will drag their kids thousands of miles a year in cars without a thought about it - when that is truly the most dangerous place for them. If our kids are not allowed to be alone, how will they learn to think for themselves, make decisions, get themselves in and out of trouble? These are skills necessary for negotiating the world as an adult. My son will for sure be in charge of all the coddled kids when he grows up.
I live in an affluent suburb of Chicago. When my daughter - now 13 - was 5, I allowed her to go alone to the park a block from the house. Judging by the reaction of her mother and my friends and neighbors you would have thought I had tried to kill her. My daughter was thrilled with her achievement and ability. She actually was gone from my sight for little more than ten minutes. Upon her return the look of excitement on her face and her clear feelings of independence and self-reliance is something neither she nor I will ever forget. It taught her that she was capable of going out into the world alone, and was the first step of many to achieving her independence. I have noticed that most of the children around us do not have this sense about themselves even as they enter high school.
My daughter is one of the most reliable and capable babysitters we know. She is able to shop for and prepare dinner for the family and regularly chaperons her friends when they do things alone. She is capable of getting herself up and ready for school and then walking or biking to school. She has adventured alone into our little suburban downtown to go the grocery store or get a book from the library. She can navigate around our area and knows how the ride the commuter train into Chicago.
Her friends are only now being allowed a little independence. How will they take care of themselves if they don’t get to experiment with limited independence now when we can discuss the things that happen and how they handle themselves in these limited adventures?
I’m so glad to see other parents who think the way I do. We have come to live in fear of all the wrong things. It is not likely that our children will be abducted or abused by a stranger - a family member or family friend is more likely the threat. Lenor Skenazy is exactly on target, and I applauded her public declaration.
Yippee! An avid bicyclist when I was 12 I would routinely bike all over the towns near my home in Huntington, Long Island. It was nothing for me to take off after school (without a helmet or cell phone!!!) bike 10 miles to the nearby state park and then home again before dinner. My parents had no idea where I went between school and dinner but they trusted me to do it.
I would also pick up the bus at the end of our street on a Sat. morning, ride into town, do some shopping, get lunch and then head home again. My school bus stop was at the same location - at least a 5 minute walk from my house. It makes me crazy these days to see school buses stop at practically every other house to pick up each kid. Why can’t these kids just walk to a central location and get picked up in a group? There were 30 of us at my bus stop and we managed to do it without any problems.
I intend to give my son (now 2 1/2) as close to a similar experience as I can. Maturity only comes with practice!
Keep up the good fight!
Nicki Lerczak
Monica - Just do it! You will give your daughter a great gift to let her travel two blocks alone on her bike. The comment on this site “We are not living in Baghdad, here” made me think “I bet the kids in Baghdad run all over town doing errands without parental oversight.” Some kids are performing in Carnegie Hall at age 9. Some are snowboarding experts. Some can do most of the light work on a farm. Let your 9 year old grow. Let us know how it turns out.
I think the idea of “free range kids” is terrific. But it is so sad that we actually have to have a “movement” to raise awareness in parents.
I grew up in Alaska and when I was a kid my folks used to put me on the ferry with a bunch of other kids and we’d ride about 8-10 hours to the next town where we were going to go to summer camp for a couple of weeks. We had a blast on those trips and not one of us ever fell overboard.
I walked everywhere in my town when I was a kid and rode my bike all over the place during the summer. We’d roam all over the woods and beaches and we didn’t have to come home until it was dark -and in the summertime in AK that is saying a lot! We’d simply lay out our plans for the day before leaving home and then make a phonecall if we were going to divert from the plans at all. It was what my folks called being responsible and courteous.
I have 3 young sons and I worry about them night and day. I don’t think you ever stop wondering if your kids will be okay- no matter how old they get. But you can’t stop them from living their lives and you can’t protect them from everything. All you do is teach them to be afraid of life and to rely on other people to always be watching out for them -and that isn’t how things work in the real world. The best gifts you can give your child is a sense of self-reliance and the ability to make good decisions. If we, as parents, give our children knowledge and guidance and talk openly with them about how the world works they will not only be armed with the ability to survive, but to also flourish and thrive in a very big, very scary and very exciting world.
Hi Lenore,
I heard you today on Talk of the Nation. As you requested for us to say: RIGHT ON!
I have felt for years that many people worry too much about the “dangers” of the world. I will turn 50 this year, and personally, I trace these worries back to the first “Halloween” scares. “People are putting razor blades in apples.” “People are poisoning apples.” Etc.
Interestingly, my wife’s family is much more nervous than my family. I just think it is an unhealthy way to live life, let alone unenjoyable!
I grew up in suburban Chicago, and childhood for me meant playing sandlot sports (baseball, football, wiffleball, etc.), riding bikes all over, sledding and skating in the winter, exploring the woods and creek in the neighborhood, and playing flashlight tag at night.
I do remember one seminal journey. I was already a bit older, maybe early teens, and I had a casual friend, Steve Mucci, whose family had a cottage at Fox Lake. Steve said in passing that I should visit some time. Well, one day, me and my friend Marky Ferguson up and decided we would ride our bikes to visit Steve. I don’t know if we had directions, or how we found our way, but after a long day and forty plus miles on our bikes, we arrived at the Mucci’s cottage. They did not know we were coming, but I think the parents quickly realized the situation when they learned that we had ridden our bikes from our hometown to their cottage. They took us in for the night, and I think we may have gotten a ride home the next day.
We had lots of adventures. I remember another time we rode our bikes to Graue Mill, an old grain mill on the Salt Creek that passed by our homes. Salt Creek also wended its way through Butler National Golf Course, serving as a water hazard. I don’t know if we knew this a priori, but we went to the mill, which was downstream of the golf course, and found that there were hundreds if not thousands of golf balls that traveled down from the golf course and got stuck in the mud at the dam for the mill. We waded in the leech infested waters and collected several shopping bags full of balls. We decided it would be too hard to travel with the balls on our bikes the five miles back to our house, so I called my oldest brother Bill to come and pick up the golf balls with the car.
I don’t really know how much attention our folks paid to us, but I know that we four children all turned into smart, fun, successful citizens, with families of our own. My wife and I gave our son quite a bit of freedom growing up, and at least I can say that he is quite independent. Aside from our financial support, he moved down to the beach with his friends from elementary school, and has been living independently since he was 17. He is attending community college and is working on transferring to a four year university, all without Mom and Dad having to get involved.
Hear Hear to Free Range Chiren!
Sincerely,
Fred Rasmussen
Apex, NC
I understand the value and importance of sending a responsible TWELVE-yearold to ride a subway or a bike on his own, but NINE is too young. Would you hire a nine-year-old BABYSITTER? Obviously, Ms. Skenazy has never experienced the kind of tragedy that can happen when a child is unsupervised. Yes, such accidents are not as prevalent as the media would have us believe, but tragedies and abductions DO happen, all the time. I wonder what Adam Walsh’s father, or the parents of other children who dies too young, think of this website? If something HAD happened to Ms. Skenazy’s son, she would certainly now be charged in the NY courts with child endangerment. Just because a nine-year-old WANTS to be left alone in Bloomingdale’s to make his way home, doean’t mean HE SHOULD BE LEFT THERE BY A RESPONSIBLE PARENT.
I just left my car after listening to you on WOR 710 am radio in N.Y. I forthwith had to check this site out. BRAVO !!!! I Love it . I am the parent of 9 Y.O. Twin boys and constantly get ” beat up ” by other family members for giving them a little freedom. Case in point.
Recently we spent 8 days at Walt Disney World and were fortunate to be staying very close to the Magic Kingdom. Now I don’t know about others but I can’t even come close to the stamina of my kids day to day nevermind at Disney World.
We had other family members vacationing w/ us which included their two cousins ages 12 and 14, along with my Sister and Bro in Law.
My idea- Go Go Go if You wanna go. I figured that my boys along w/ their cousins would be perfectly fine on their own at the Magic Kingdom. And what fun that would be for them as well as the Grownups.
The kids were a little reluctant but my wife and my sister were steadfast in their approach- NO WAY !
Well needless to stay my a_s was draggin after 14 hours of Mickey Mouse. But the kids had fun.
If they are reluctant now I can’t imagine what their older years will bring, I have some idea.
They will be like most young adults- scared to death to ( excuse the expression ) get off the teat. And we can be like other helicopter parents and fly just close enough to NEVER relenquish control.
Any parent panics the first time you here the head thump of your new walker hitting the floor. But, we let them learn to walk because its worth it. We take precautions but we KNOW they are going to whack their heads at some point.
Things will change back in the US when people realize the DAMAGE done by filling their children with fear of every new and challenging situation and by teaching them that if they just follow all the rules and precautions nothing will ever go wrong (or if it does, it won’t be their fault and they won’t be sued).
Risks are relative, and what we risk be NOT letting our kids be free range is grossly underestimated.
A parents most important job is to teach their children to be independent.
I’m definitely for it! Here’s a good book for those on this track: The Last Child in the Woods. While much of it focuses on the lack of engagement in the natural world (and the whole “disorder” thing really rubs me wrong)–there’s a similar vein of reason underlying the author’s arguments: a misperceived since of risk that causes us to sacrifice any sense of independence, adventure, or self-reliance in children, which may, in the end, put them at even greater risk.
We’re passing unfounded anxieties on to our children. I think of the boy scout lost for days in the mountains who actually intentionally avoided his the searchers/rescuers because they were “strangers.”
We need to give our kids more common sense and balance and fewer black and white rules. It’s crazy to think that we give kids no independence growing up and then hand them the car keys at age 16.
What a breath of fresh air! I listened to Talk of the Nation today and heard about Lenore Skenazy letting her son go home alone on the subway. From what I’ve heard the rate of stranger abduction is about the same as it was in the 1950’s. I work in a school district in a SMALL TOWN where no one is allowed to walk to school because “something” could happen. The other day an overweight child was reprimanded for walking to school–he lived less than a half mile away. Yet, we have a new wellness policy and exercise together every morning! We have gotten crazy! This website is great.
while i respect your choices, how can you let a 9 year old on a subway without a cell phone and yet feel he’s not responsible enough to have a cell phone. what if HE needed YOU? beyond that i heard you on steve whatever his maulsberg name is and he is the most rude host. he kept interrupting and overspeaking you. you have a right to your choices. i totally agree that we are fearful country, afraid of living and afraid of dying demonstrated by all the pharmaceutical ads.
the media should go drown themselves in the same pool as attys. and hedgefunders. i abhor the celebrity, sensationalistic focus. the reporting on the upcoming election is absurd. what happened? how did we lose america?
the question is where do we go from here.
I am going to be a first time grandmother in the fall and I am “scared to death” of the world my unborn grandbaby will be living in. I guess I bought into the fear, haven’t I?
You are correct in your approach to child-rearing. I think that not teaching children in how to be self-reliant and think for themselves is a lot more dangerous than exposing them gradually to certain calculated levels of risk-taking. Your words were well chosen today but you felt so empassioned by your views that you are going to receive a lot of flack for not letting callers say their piece too!
I would like to receive your paper column, can you add me to a mailing list? Best of luck, Stephanie
It is ironic, but I heard you on Talk of the Nation and it seemed timely as my older kids recently asked me for more freedom. They have had the freedom to ride bikes, go fishing on their own, etc., but when my son got to be a senior, I caught him acting inappropriately, which meant that I lost my trust and kept tighter tabs. He’s 18 now, and I have had to completely let go. That has been hard for me because I worry for his safety. Also, my daughter is a freshman, and it has been hard for me to allow her as much freedom as she had earlier when I didn’t worry about dangerous situations. But I am letting go and allowing them both to make their own decisions and choices. Wish me luck. My husband has been in this place longer than me.
I’m from Germany and still take my two girls, 9 and 12, there for part of each year. In our small but modern village, in first grade, the teacher takes the whole class around on foot to visit each child’s house in turn, so that the kids will know where their classmates live and will feel comfortable walking there independently (at age 6-7). Street safety is highly emphasized. In 4th grade, the standard curriculum includes a street-safety bicycle riding test, as well as a swimming test. In 5th grade, all the schoolkids begin taking public transportation down to the town to attend school, walking several blocks through a public park. Early on (at 10 years old), my daughter got on the wrong bus, figured out how to get back on her own, and learned some great lessons, including: mistakes will happen, it’s not the end of the world, I am capable and resourceful enough to handle an unexpected situation, there are in fact helpful adults out there… This past summer, I put both daughters on a train across Germany to visit their cousins, after discussing what they would do if things didn’t go according to plan. They came home glowing with pride and independence. Next time: changing trains?
Since every kid develops at their own pace, it’s up to sane parents to decide when they should be allowed certain freedoms.
Our younger son has always had a strong case of wanderlust. He is also mature and responsible. We have let him explore the world by degrees, and as a result, he has had a life rich in adventure and friendships.
When he was nine, he often walked to the business district of the town we live in, to meet friends for lunch. On those short trips, he practiced crossing the street safely and calculating the tip for his meal.
When he was 14, we dropped him off for 10 days at an Audubon camp in the mountains of Vermont. Friends of ours were horrified that the camp was set on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, and that we left him in the care of camp counselors we had never met. During those 10 days, he learned to make friends with strangers, to work together with other people to cook meals and haul equipment. Two of his fellow campers have become his closest friends.
Last summer, at age 15, he traveled by bus to Indiana to visit one of his camp friends. He had to make several bus connections to reach his destination. He and his friend, who is now in college, then traveled into the middle of nowhere to conduct environmental research for four days. He learned how to find his way in strange new places and how to ask for help when he needed it.
This summer, at age 16, he will travel without us to Malaysian Borneo for a 10-day nature trek with an ecotourism company.
The world is open to him — its people, its natural wonders, its potential, and — yes — its dangers.
One of my niece’s friends was killed recently when her car ran off the road as she was driving to high school. The same thing could happen as easily to my son. Keeping him at home would not make him any safer, but it would deny him the opportunity to grown, to learn, to trust, to explore. He has told us many times how grateful he is that we have given him the freedom to venture forth on his own. I know it will make all the difference in where life takes him.
Super interesting topic, I have 2 kids and they walk to school, but I do remember wondering when they could go alone, and feeling pressure from other parents (or just glares and stares) —
Walking places would feel much safer if there were more people out and about, but that is not the case in most US neighborhoods!
I was glad to hear it is not illegal to let kids do things without supervision (TOTN on NPR), although it sounds like there may be overzealous policemen (or people) who think otherwise…the TOTN story the day before was about overdoing babyproofing, and I think the 2 stories went well together, it really is the same problem — kids are not allowed to experience life, freedom, consequences….and if you don’t give them room to make small mistakes, I fear they will make BIG MISTAKES.
When I was 8, we moved to Germany. That was 1974. I loved that I could get around on my own, go to the store for my mother, get to my various lessons using public transport, walk downtown with a friend for ice cream. I really think it taught me to think differently, to grow and become more responsible. I am also convinced that it helps wire a part of your brain that is spatial-geographical. When I was 12, we moved back to the US, and it was like having my wings clipped — I couldn’t get anywhere without having my mom drive me, and the places teens went were awful — the mall! Very depressing, I couldn’t even ride my bike anywhere.
We live in this crazy, frivolous lawsuit society and it has made parents into these crazed, fearing and fear-mongering people. Most especially when their precious snowflakes are involved. This is not limited to parents, but to western society at large! How dare the designers and architects of our children’s playgrounds subject anyone to the horror of a splinter? They should not be surprised when we sue them for neglect! I am a 26 year old homosexual and I thank my parents for letting me out into the world–however reluctantly–to experience the inconvenience of public transport (we couldn’t afford anything else). It is just one of those things necessary to life! what if your car, or your parents’ car breaks down? what if you go to art school and you can’t afford a car? what if you just can’t afford a car? what if you choose to eschew the convenience of a car? what if the pollution isn’t worth it? what if gas costs too much? everyone should take public transportation! at least once. everyone should get a splinter! everyone should experience the neighbor kids putting a plank through their bicycle spokes because it was “their” turf. it’s life. it makes you stronger. it prepares you for all the personality types we all experience in the corporate world that we all are expected to adapt to in our professional lives.
To people who worry…
You can tell your children to come home immediately if they sense any dangerous people when they go on their free range adventures. Also, teach them young NEVER to swim alone or go out on icy lakes and ponds. My brother and I were given a lot of freedom from the time we were 6 and 4 (really!) and we never did these things–despite plenty of opportunities.
Also, if your child is out alone a lot, you can GET THEM A DOG! Mine was amazing deterrent when I was small — and when I took her to college with me she successfully curtailed two attempted break-ins…and scared off some really shady charachters.
Amen! My kids are not as free range as I like - we live on a road that is scary busy (I have nearly gotten creamed on numerous occasions trying to cross that nightmare) so there is a bit of a limit to how far my 7 and 6 year olds can go. But as long as they don’t cross ‘the big streets’ they can go outside, ride bikes, play with scrap wood and hand tools, come in to get splinters removed, roll in mud, climb the tree, and whatever else they can think of. My neighbor down the street freaks if her 6 year old leaves their fenced in yard to go in the front yard. Once when my then 4 year old was riding his tricycle down the sidewalk, a concerned looking passer by came running up to me (in my front yard) asking “Do you know that your child is going down the SIDEWALK?” as if they were going off a cliff into the grand canyon. Yes I have taught them common sense safety rules, but for the love of all that is holy, let your kids roam a bit.
Thank you for going public with something that I have been ranting about privately — or just to friends — ever since I became a mother 12 years ago!! (And as an older parent — I’m now 56 — my memory goes WAY back to all kinds of childhood freedoms that are gone now.)
I think the issue you are addressing goes a long way toward explaining the popularity of “extreme sports” — people just do not have enough normal risk and stimulation and challenge in their lives any more!
I think it is important to give your children freedom on simple things so that when you do act protectively on more important things your children will actually listen to you.
And when my brother got to do stuff and I didn’t just because I was a girl it only made me want to do it behind their back, because if it was safe for him to do it and he was an idiot (in my childhood opinion) I didn’t see a problem with doing it myself.
And the way I see it perverts don’t seem to discriminate betweens boys and girls.
I heard you on NPR and thought you were great. I heard you in the afternoon and that very morning I had left my doddling 11 yr old alone in our house and left for work. She had to make her way across the street to the bus stop on her own and the neighbors across the street were home with their daughter, the neighbors down the street were home with their kids. And they all take their kids to the bus stop. I drove to work worried about what might have happened to her. You’re right. I’m nuts. And she loves it when I give her a little more independence!
I am surprised that there are people who are against this ..! There is absolutely no other way to live and grow as a complete person. Your experiences shape you and prepare you for the future and the earlier the kids learn the better it is for them…. People don’t vote against teaching their kids violin@ age 9 so why this… let them learn what this world has in store for them.
I caught the tail end of your interview on NPR and really appreciate people like you out in the world. I realize that I too would like to have a Free Range Kid, but have a difficult time figuring out how to comfortably back up and let me fledging test her wings. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to open my hands to allow this process to happen. I would love for my daughter to have that same sort of freedom I had growing up in the 70’s!
I totally agree with your sentiment here. Of course we won’t let our kids run totally wild now, they are 2 and 5 and we live on a crazy street etc. But your point is valid! Things have gone WAY too far in the opposite direction. You can’t even find a fun playground anymore, they’re all so tamed down and funproofed.
I was a free range kid myself. Total latchkey kid out in the sticks of rural Oregon. Loved every minute of it and learned a LOT.
We’re not doing our kids any favors by restricting them so much.
I don’t have kids, but I heard about this on the radio this morning and feel that I have to say, that this is possibly the most sane thing related to raising children I’ve heard since I was a child myself (I’m 24 now)
Yippeee, Free Range Kids! Streets are for people too, let’s take back our cities!
Kidical Mass!
http://www.kidicalmass.org
I could not beleive my ears when I heard this on WOR!
You are insane! You are asking for trouble!
How would you feel if something happened to your child while letting him have “free range”?????????
NOT THIS MOM!!!!!!!!!!!
Even a quick scan of the comments on this page shows that the arguments against your stand are almost entirely examples of “converse fallacy of accident” — arguing against an objective conclusion by citing special cases.
As a parent who continues to be viewed as irresponsible for choosing to live a car-free lifestyle — the horror of taking my kid to the store in a bicycle trailer! — I feel your frustration. It’s very reassuring to know that there are others out there who aren’t complete idiots, and whose children might actually grow up functional and complete.
I am thrilled your are standing up for wisdom. Keep up the good work.
And you wonder why kids are video game zombies - they can’t go outside!
When I was 10, I went around the neighborhood on my own selling popcorn to raise funds to go to camp - who does that anymore? I babysat at 14 and was responsible for 2 kids 5 and 8.
While there could be a balance of “don’t come back until dinner,” kids should be able to walk / play wherever you both feel comfortable with.
While my 8 year old wouldn’t be ready to go to NYC on her own, who’s to say that your son isn’t - every kid has their strengths and he obviously was prepared.
We really need to get to know our neighbors again and start to get out of this pervasive attitude of fear (thanks to the current administration and TV, it sells well!).
Thanks for this breath of fresh air. KJ
My sons are 26 and 11 and both have been raised as Free Range Kids. Recently, my 11 year old son went to the local park (approx 4-5 blocks away) to play rollerblade hockey. He fell and broke his arm. He knew what to do and was able to get himself back home so we could take him to ER. The ER doctor acted as if we had set him loose in the wilderness! I was proud of him and will continue to encourage his independance. We have neighbors that still do not allow their boys (12 and 13) to go to the park w/o supervision. Which boy is better off? My son!
I was a Free Range kid. And it made me enjoy my childhood. It made me smarter, more autonomous, more responsible and less prone to teen rebellion. Freedom with accountability.
Great article and great initiative with this site. Congrats!
Let your kids grow beyond themselves, don’t cage them. Protecting them from the bad things - small and big, almost certain and 1 in a million chance - in live will also deny them all the good things that could cross their path if they were aloud to follow it…
You are my new hero! I’ve got 2 kids, 3 1/2 and 1 year and they’re both free range kids. Well, the little one WILL be. The one thing I keep hearing is that, oh you need to be more careful with them….they might fall down or get hurt if you let them do that. Well, guess what? Kids DO fall down. Kids DO get hurt. IT’S CALLED THE LEARNING CURVE and the sooner your kids get real life experience, the less they will fall down and the less they will get hurt. Kids are a million times smarter and ready for what life throws them than most people give them credit for. Do you want to raise a follower, or a leader? Give them a long long leash and let them gain the confidence to change the world.
I just heard you on Talk of the Nation, and I completely agree with your principles. However, I think that your statistics are not as sound as you think. For example, you compared kids riding in cars vs. being abducted. A true comparison would be number abductions per trips kids make alone vs. number of car accidents per car trips. Obviously kids ride in cars far more than they are alone. Similarly, you laughed that one caller may have been comparing letting your kids make a trip alone with letting them handle a firearm alone, but by your standards I am sure that you would find that children accidents with unattended firearms are far less frequent than abductions. Let me repeat that I agree with you, and obviously it is not as safe to let kids have guns, but simply it happens less so there is less chance of an accident.
I applaud what you are doing, but I have to add a warning to the list, ironically.
Having just come through a stunning custodial challenge (the second in three years) where I was accused of negligence for things like letting the kids wade in knee-deep water while I was present without safety gear, I have learned first hand how dangerous it is to be PERCEIVED as negligent.
Losing your child to a hostile ex (or even the state) IS a realistic concern in this day and age if you step too far outside the norm. I knew it was coming and was pretty conservative, but I still had to defend my choices to a variety of officials.
I fall on the free range side, but am more conservative than I would be if I felt secure from future challenges.
Ours is only 11 months old, but we’re already trying to raise him to be independent and free range. His play area is baby friendly, but certainly not “baby proof” and we encourage him to take risks and try new things. Besides, the house is 145 years old, making it “safe” would be impossible…
Heard you on NPR, and I want to say, right on! I want my kids to grow up feeling unafraid and willing to go out and meet the world. We walk around our neighborhood as often as weather allows, and we get the kids to pay attention to where we are and challenge them to find the way to our destination. They know their way around. At the age of nine, my older son walks to the homes of friends blocks away, one over half a mile. Usually his friends meet him halfway, so I know I am not viewed as the crazy mom because other people are letting their kids do it too. He rides the neighborhood bus on his own. We send him away to camp for two weeks at a time, much against the warnings of in-laws who warn of the “sickos” who work at camps. He’s even let himself into the house with the key he keeps in his backpack “just in case”. Just in case mom gets stuck in traffic and doesn’t make it home, he is fully capable of letting himself in and starting homework. Once he did this, had a question about homework, and called up his Grandpa. Till then, I hadn’t even known he knew how to find the number. He isn’t traumatized by being alone for a bit, even seems pleased with himself.
Love it. My kids have been the same all along. I know some parents that drove my wife nuts with the freedom that our kids had (especially when their kids were wishing they could do the same). Still they are happy, well adjusted and able to navigate the city quite well. I would not have done it any other way..
I also heard you on NPR. I wanted to add my vote of support for your decision. I think you handled the initial situation correctly for your given circumstances and you’ve done and excellent job in how you’ve handled the resulting media frenzy.
Lots of great rational responses here - and I applaud you and everyone that agrees. We in North America are raising a society of kids (and subsequantly adults) who have no concept of critical thinking and analysis of situations.
Kids must get brusied knees, eat dirt, get lost (temporarily) in the woods out at the farm, ride bikes, and walk on the street. They must do this in order to assess relative danger, rationalize, and ask critical questions in various situations. How does the danger of riding a bike compare to jumping off a bridge; walking down the neighborhood street compare to playing on the freeway; eating snow compare to drinking bleach; etc.
Kids (and sadly many adults) need to learn how to live life and create strategies to assess and MITIGATE danger, NOT eliminate it.
This is done everywhere in nature except with us stupid humans - of course humans are the only life on this planet that constantly throws mother nature’s perfection out of balance. I’m not sure if humans even have 100 years (as suggested in another letter) left on this planet at the rate we are going.
Apprantly, climbing is a toddler behavior with an additional charge on the day-care price list.
My wife recently picked up my 18 month old boy at a rec-center day care and they jokingly told her that next time he would be charged double because he was a “climber.” I guess that means that instead of just watching the children, the staff had to get him down off the roof of the play house several times.
At home, my son has incredible ballance. We’ll find him circling the dining room table walking on the seats and arms of chairs, straddling gaps like a pro mountaineer and rarely falling or taking a tumble.
I’ll be in a public place and other parents will jump to save my kid before he’s even a foot off the ground . I always give him 2-3 feet before I get uncomfortable.
I realize that my child is learning when he balances on the arm of a chair, and when he falls from that same chair a moment later. He’s learning when he closes the cabliet doors on his fingers (we don’t use cabinet locks), hes learning when he rolls down the last few stairs because he wanted to try walking forward down them.
But soon, he will be slamming cabinet doors like a pro, he’ll be running up and down the steps with legs seemingly too short to make it up each step.
It is about time someone stood up to put a stop to the OVER-protection of children. Yes, we need to protect our children, but not to the point where they can no longer function in society. The world is really no more dangerous for children today than it was 20 years ago, it only seems that way due to media hyping up every little thing that happens.
Can something bad happen? Yes. But something bad can happen anywhere, children get shot at school. We cannot be with them always, it is our responsibility to teach them to function without us.
I think this may be important on the Internet/computers as well. Kids aren’t going to able to live their whole lives afraid and ignorant of Google. The fact that I had total and complete freedom on my own computer is one of the reasons I’m where I am today, close to mastery of PHP and learning both Java and Python.
On a computer, if you’re afraid (or forbidden) to experiment, you’ll never learn anything.
Restrictions on who you are allowed to talk to online… if you did the same thing in the real world (following your child around at school, choosing which conversations happen, listening to them, and taking home transcripts), DCF would get interested.
(Disclaimer: 13 here.)
Bravo!!
I just wanted to leave a quick note to applaud your actions. I do not have children, but when I was growing I had quite a bit of freedom. Sure I made mistakes, and got involved in things I probably shouldn’t have been. That led to some of the most important lessons of my life though. I am proud to say I am still here, happy and healthy and much more confident than I would have been otherwise.
I remember years ago when my son was about 10-11 and he some other friends wanted to ride their bikes to a park about a mile-a mile and a half away. They had sandwiches (which they made), snacks, water, etc. No cell phone. No walkie-talkie. And they were to be home at a certain. Just one parent squawked. The kids had a great time, learned about their neighborhood and got together throughtout that summer for other bike trips. Free Range All The Way!
I can say for a fact that free-range children are healthier and taste better then those raised in captivity.
I kid!
I think there is a lot of support for this free-range concept. My wife and I have been discussing this for a while now. We have friends, family, and neighbors that act as though the world is out to kill their children.
What the hell is the world coming to when a kid can’t be allowed to get hurt or fail at anything?
Several months ago we went to a pool party and there was a kid there that could not get in the pool without a lifejacket on. OK, thats one safety net. He was also NOT allowed to let go of the side of the pool. Thats 2 safety nets. Further his dad hovered 2ft away and watched him watch the other kids play and swim in the middle of the pool. THAT’S 3 SAFETY NETS! Do you think that kid will grow up with a healthy attitude about rivers, lakes, pools, the ocean etc?
I’m A child who’s mother is crazily over protective. I’m 17 in 5 days and She’s still convinced that I have no morals if she isn’t there standing over my shoulder
I’m really glad there are parents that don’t shelter kids to the point of making them socially isolated. And i’m sad that there are parents that still don’t let their kids have real sugar.
I Envy your kids
Bravo. I shouldn’t really leave a reply since I am childless and plan to remain that way. But I am member of society and the “auntie” to many a human to be, and let’s face it just plan nosey and judgmental.
I was an only child raised free and wild. Now granted I lived one block away from my elementary school and my Mom could stare out the dining room window and practically watch me walk into my class room.
Since our family loved to cook I was handling a paring knife long before I was comfortable eating with a fork (that may be an exaggeration, but it’s my memory so I’m keeping it) and to this day I have of the finest knife and kitchen skills.
It was not a horrible preventable accident, or some faceless nameless boogieman that scared my childhood, it was leukemia. nothing my mother did could have protected me from that monster. And yet even when I was battling the beast my Mom let me run free (so long as I took my meds) and so unless I was actually “feeling” I never felt sick.
I was a free range kid, I made it, no broken bones, no stints in rehab, not tattoos even. In the end I’m kind of boring really.
Bravo for this site and your efforts, as an “Auntie” I plan to show my neeflings the wonders of trebuchets and sword fighting, how to pour champagne and dice onions (woohoo child labor!).
My son will be five soon. He never leaves my sight. Some days I’m afraid to let him go into the kitchen or bathroom alone. We don’t go anywhere outside without holding hands. Of course, my son has autism, and is unable to appreciate the concept of danger in the same way that you, I, or a typical five year old would. For instance - having burned himself on a hot pan, my child is still unable to understand that it is dangerous to touch a hot pan.
I dream of a day when my son is capable of being so independent as to ride the subway alone. I would be grateful for it. Many parents are so enraptured by thier media driven fears that they are unwilling to enjoy the tremendous good fortune they have recieved in having a typically developing child. Parents who overprotect thier children do so because they WANT to. If they HAD to they would not be so thrilled at the task.
I whole heartedly agree. If kids are coddled like this, our world is going to end. I used to walk for miles with my sister when I was a kid, and with my friend across the street we’d go searching all over the town. Parents these days need to get a grip and stop being such a bunch of sissies. Their kids are going to grow up retarded.
For!
http://smollig.blogspot.com/2008/04/wherever-you-roam.html
I believe that sending a 9 year old onto the subway alone is not only a very stupid thing to do but quite possibly criminal in some places.
Kids can build a sense of independence and self reliance without these kind of knee jerk reactionary escapades. It just takes a bit more actual participation by and creativity from the parents.
Here’s a TED talk on the subject.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/202
It’s definitely true that you can’t protect your children from everything. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. But the real question here is to what extent parents equip their children to deal with the real world. Most parents today are spending all their time protecting, censoring and controlling, while spending very little time giving children the tools they need to get by. Never letting your kids go out of the house alone is a form of abstinence education, every bit as mindless as crossing your fingers and praying they’ll never have sex if you never talk about it.
Let me start by applauding your ideas.
In response to some of the scaremongers here, I’d say it’s obvious that there are some 9-year-olds who would be best not left anywhere alone, let alone in NYC, and others for whom this would be no problem at all. The latter are likely those who have been brought up by people who think like you.
A common theme among your supporters here is “we were brought up this way so it should be OK for our kids.” I’d say there is a key change that has taken place between our childhoods and our kids’, and funnily enough it’s not a massive increase in rampant, child-snatching paedophiles on the streets. Rather, it’s a huge increase in traffic levels. Our kids’ lives are circumscribed by cars. Cars make it dangerous for them to be out alone and so they need cars to get anywhere. Bear this in mind when raising free-range children and you should be good. I’m lucky enough to be raising kids in a place where there a few cars but OTOH most places are too far away for kids to walk. Oh well.
Hello, I am not a parent but I am excited to be one… eventually…. later. I am 21 years old and going to college in cleveland, ohio. I am one of those guys that is super excited to be a dad. This idea strikes dead on the kind of parenting I want to emulate. I cringe at the sight of parents who demand their 9-year old hold their hand as they cross the street. It seems to me they are treating their almost-teens as if they just learned to walk. I feel kids are way way smarter than most parents give them credit for, and they will only grow to the intellectual standards you hold them too.
I also recall cringing at my peers restrictions. I grew up at the beginning of this “scare the hell out of parents” news media meme. I live in a suburb called Lakewood. Our violent crime rate is almost non existent. But, I grew up on the “bad side of town”. Where homes only go for 80-100,000 dollars instead of 300-900,000. One time me and my friends where at one of Lakewood’s 5 major parks (in only 32 square miles of city or less) and I invited everyone over for snacks at my house (we where 14 or 15 at the time). 3 of my 7 buddies refused to go because their parents had informed them that going past the park was dangerous and not allowed.
Many of my friends had to be home by 930 or 10pm every night (even weekends) until they left for college (and are held to similar restrictions when they come home).
My parents placed almost no (ridiculous) restrictions on me. I walked to school alone, i came home when I felt it was reasonable. I rode public transportation. I am currently alive and well with a 3.925 gpa and on track to go for a PhD in economics.
This isn’t well written. But know us eventual parents need this reminder. We need encouragement to live up to our own childhood promises of “i will never do this to my kid.” We need examples of rationality, not paranoia. Thank you for providing this.
I was born in 1980, and was free-range from the age of 8 onwards. I didn’t ride a bicycle, but walked to school and various shops, and would often be deposited at or near the mall with permission to wander the neighborhood (there were other shops around in walking distance, including my favorite comic book store) provided I was back at the designated pick-up location on time.
it was a working-class area, not really a rich neighborhood but not a slum either. I was never beaten up, and only rarely offered drugs or spoken to by creepy older people, but I had been given sound instructions on these issues beforehand and always came home undrugged, unmolested, and otherwise unharmed (except for the scrapes when I took a short cut through some thorny undergrowth).
About time, while I wouldn’t have done what you did I do think some parents coddle their kids too much. Both my kids have played out on the street since they were around 6. As they got older I allowed their boundaries to expand to neighbouring streets. They both go to the local shop for me and know to be back in the house when the street lights go on or at 8pm (whichever comes first). They do have mobiles but that’s more because ‘everyone else’ does rather then me wanting to keep in touch. My son walks to and from high school and my daughter will when she starts in September. They both know the rules but they know that I trust them to behave themselves and be safe and they appreciate that trust and responsibility. I’d rather this than keeping them ’safe’ until they’re suddenly off to uni or going out to work and having no idea how to behave or react to the outside world. I saw a documentary the other night about parents going so far as to have their children chipped like pets - ridiculous!
We moved from Las Vegas, NV to a small town in Montana (outside of Missoula) precisely because we didn’t feel comfortable raising kids in a large city like Las Vegas. Unlike New York, there are no subways, and no good public transportation. Not that the kids had any desire to go for a bus ride on their own, but we felt it better to raise the kids closer to nature, where we can just let them run free in the woods or ride their bikes over to friends’ houses.
When we first moved here, and finally got the kids new bikes, I told my son to go have fun. He was a bit at a loss at first (”where should I go?” “I can really go off on my own?!”
so I gave him a few bucks for a coke and told him to go down to the gas-station and get a soda for himself. He thought I was kidding at first, but has since gotten into being free to go ride his bike wherever he wants to. We feel completely comfortable letting him go.
I was raised in Germany (medium sized town of about 50K people), where things are naturally a bit different. Towns are generally smaller, distances smaller, and public transportation absolutely fantastic. We rode our bikes 15 minutes to school every day (rain or shine, except when mom was nice and gave us a ride), and the bus in the winter. We were free to ride our bikes all over town to go visit friends. The culture doesn’t revolve around cars so much, so riding the bike was completely normal. I would like my kids to grow up with the freedom a bike and good surroundings offer.
I applaud you letting your kid ride on the subway. I told my wife (who was born and raised in vegas), and she was a bit skeptical, but allowed that it probably was day-time, and that you probably made sure not to put the kid into undue harm. She’s not sure she would have let our son alone in New York, but we also didn’t grow up there (we visited a few times). I’m thinking that if we were born and raised in New York, we’d probably do that as well.
We americans tend to treat kids as imbeciles until the age of 20, and it shows in our culture. It’s time to treat kids as young as 9 or 10 as the budding adults that they are. We as a country will be better for it. “Do it for the Children!” (hah!)
A couple years ago we pulled a young girl from the ice. She broke through the ice, along with her babysitter, who pulled himself out and went home to change clothes, leaving us to try to figure out where she went through.
Just because kids are “supervised” doesn’t mean that bad things can’t happen to them as well. Better to teach kids common sense they can use when they’re alone or in supervised groups.
Hi,
thank you so much, you are giving me back a trust in American Socitety that I have been lacking. I chose to raise my Kids in Europe for the very simple reason that doing what you are doing would have brought me in contact with social workers in the NY suburb I used to live in.
Here (Austria) all kids walk to school from 1st grade onwards. Kids eat snow, run through the woods, dig holes in the ground with their hands, ride bicycles, climb trees, and much more. They don’t automatically get run over, kidnapped, die of some germs, fall off and break their neck, and much more. But they are automatically growing up exploring their world, they do automatically grow up confident in what they can do and aware of what dangers there really are.
Thank you so much for bringing back sanity to child rearing in a country that is dear to my heart. Thank you for your initiative.
For.
The hazards are real. However, If your children do not learn to deal with them at an early age, they’ll have an opportunity to be far more reckless with far more dangerous stuff at a later age –and you won’t be able to do a damned thing about it.
Well, I dunno. I was somewhat free range when I was young, so I’m not dead set against the concept, but it really depends on the location and the kid.
My children lost a nine year old friend and neighbor of theirs when he borrowed a bike from another neighbor kid and then promptly rolled into the street ON it, where he wound up being hit and mortally wounded by a car-in front of half the neighborhood. (My kids were just finishing up dinner with us or they’d have probably witnessed it themselves.)
We as parents still are responsible to use our best judgement about how much freedom our children can handle.
There are a lot of negative comments on here, some understandable, most simple prejudice.
To sibling, who lost two brothers and a friend to drowning.
That’s a horrible thing to live with, but people die every day in a number of awful ways.
I have had several friends die on motorcycles, but I still ride daily.
I have had several friends die, all at once, in a car wreck. But I still drive.
I know people who have died as a result of drinking, but I enjoy a beer.
We teach our children their rights, but not responsibilities.
Kids need to learn to take knocks.
I agree that they need boundaries. I had them, and I pushed them. Constantly.
If kids want mischief, they will find it, and statistically they more likely to die or be seriously injured in the home than out of it.
Let ‘em grow.
My wife and I are planning on kids in the near future and we just moved from Chicago to a smaller downstate city. Even without a kid, I can already feel the fear of letting them out of my sight, but I definitely want to raise them “Free Range.” I was born and raised in a big city, so this smaller city seems much safer than some of the areas I wandered as a kid. But I think environments like this, or suburban or rural areas, are good “incubators” for free range kids, without the more “intrusive” dangers in a larger city (having grown up around drugs and gangs myself). Let them develop their independence here, and they’ll be able to handle the bigger stuff later in life.
I was raised much more of a free-range kid than my kids are allowed to be. The reason for this is that people are not the same as they were in the 70’s. Our culture is not the same as it was even then. Pornography and child pornography is hugely, astronomically increased since those times. With the pornography, comes the BEHAVIOR. There are much looser morals in these days- there is much less inhibition against doing wrong and evil things. Violence in movies & tv & video games and vicious sarcasm disguised as “humor” are considered acceptable things for childhood in our culture. If I thought all my neighbors were the Cleavers, then of course I’d let my kid go free-range. But they are not, and we don’t live in the 50’s or even the 70’s any more. We just DON’T! It’s not that I don’t trust my kids to be capable, but that the circumstances have changed. They face bigger dangers than we did, and I’m not interested in exposing them to what it takes to be safe against the many, many more creeps and sickos there are now. I want them to be innocent as long as they can, it’s their right.
Not only that, but people drive much faster now, and have bigger, more powerful cars. And I believe they drive more recklessly- in our society there is hardly such a thing as responsibility to others, it is all selfish. There are more people now, and streets are busier. So riding your bike from one end of town to the other end of town is VERY different now, then it was then. It is simply more dangerous!
As for suburban or rural areas being better for raising free-range kids, maybe. But I wouldn’t bet on it. I would walk any night down in downtown Manhattan where there’s always people around, but I wouldn’t walk at night in my local woods. When people get isolated, and when you have small towns, things tend to get insulated, isolated, and strange. Sick things can breed there. I’ve seen it over & over.
So that is why my kids are most definitely NOT free-range kids.
I totally support what you did and must also add that the oppressive, paranoid parenting culture in the States is one of the main reasons my husband and I left. We want our kids to run outside with packs of their friends until they hear us yell “Dinner!” and now they do. Good luck.
I’m 23 years old now, but was raised by very overprotective parents. I was the youngest of 3, and fortunately received the least of that protection.
I don’t know how my older siblings turned out in regards to new situations, but I’m glad I got a relatively early start to new experiences. What served me best was hiking in the state parks once I got my driver’s license. I learned how to keep an eye out for strangers, how to find my way back on trails, and most importantly, how to stay calm if I might be lost.
When I was 19, I went off with some friends to Toronto. I was the only one that had not ridden a subway before. It was sobering to realize that I would have had no idea how to get around the city if I was alone.
I’m 23 now, and fairly independent. But it’s unfortunate that the next generation may be even more overprotected than I was.
Kids: Get the heck outside, and when you’re hungry, come in and make your own darn sandwich!
When I was ten years old, summertime was the time to explore the world! We’d head out at about ten in the morning, return for lunchtime, and head back out again. We’d stay out until it got dark building forts, exploring creeks, making (gasp!) boobytraps for nonexistent bad guys. The great thing is, I’m not that old! This was only fifteen years ago! I guess my mom was ahead of the curve.
Let’s just honor the time-tested methods of parenting, eh? Tell your parents where you’re going, and be home by dark.
Excellent job.
I applaud your message, and your desire to EN-COURAGE your kids, rather than DIS-COURAGE them. Too many folks in this world are in the business of spreading fear, and too many folks are buying in. Thanks for the reminder for kids of all ages: no risk, no reward.
Great site. Great idea! I really think the current generation of parents are too suffocating. It’s difficult to give your own kids “Free Range” as you get sucked into the current mindset.
I saw a great article about 6 months ago on this trend featuring an English family– “How children lost the right to roam in four generations” http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=462091&in_page_id=1770
Hi, love the premise. if you get time, I think it would be really helpful to back up your point not just with the occasional statistical tidbit, but with a top 10 or top 5 causes of Death for people under 18, *giving sources*.
You could be claiming water is wet and some people will still think it’s a crazy theory, but hard data (though never perfect) is harder to villianize.
Also, if you make a statistics page please include rates of death/injury/sexual abuse that happen within the home vs outside, strangers vs known person. I personally knew a mother who moved her family to a safer neighborhood and did not listen to them when they told her their father was abusing them.
this link was sent to me by a friend who recognized my parenting practices in what he read on this website. i’m guessing that he heard the interview on mpr.
i see so much confidence in my daughter who is only 17 months old- just from my setting up a relatively safe environment for her to explore and then letting her do just that! of course i’ve plugged the sockets and blocked off the litter boxes and i’m always near-by enough to react when needed. but she doesn’t take flying leaps off of chairs- unless i happen to be within arm’s reach of her. why? because she understands what would happen if she did!
yes, there is a risk in doing this but there is also a notceable benefit! i see so many kids doing the dumbest things and i can’t help but attribute it to their parents’ overprotection/obsession.
i am repeatedly told what a great temperament my daughter has and i think it is partially due to the fact that she is allowed to challenge herself on a daily basis. she is not bored or suffering from low self-esteem. she can amuse herself which is a skill many children are not even allowed to develop these days!
at the same time, i do think it is important to always keep in mind the actual capabilities and the emotional (as well as physical) impact of what your child is allowed to do. no one would let a two year old leave the yard and go down the street alone (i would hope). it is all about empowerment, not neglect!
i’m glad to see that not only are some other parents rethinking the effects of overprotection, but that there is a voice out there that is spreading this radical concept!
i think that i may take it one step further when i am thinking about how i parent: i don’t think about how i was raised or how my parents were raised, i actually think about how things were 100 years ago on the prairie. sometimes i consider other cultures or other parts of the world and how their parenting might be done differently.
thank you, thank you, thank you for this website! i have forwarded the link to many friends and family so that they can read about other people that are doing similar things with their children. maybe if they read all of the articles they will come out of it thinking that i am pretty uptight compared to some people…! ;^)
i can definitely tell you that my friends and family have noted the results- even at such an early age- of my parenting. not that they haven’t voiced concern from time to time when i tell them that she is climbing on this or that! but they also report back that she does not try do things that are outside of her capability without caution or assistance- which i think is kind of a revelation to them!
i hope that no one reads this website and thinks that it is justification for neglectful parenting because it could be misinterpreted as such. it would be a shame if that is what they took away from this information.
however, there will always be people who operate out of a negative mode and are not inclined to open their minds to radical concepts like “not everything from the past is wrong or bad”.
as for the above responder who stated that cars are bigger and more powerful now than they were in the past…. she must not have been a “free range” child herself because if she had been out and about in the 70’s (or she may be much younger) she would have seen just how big a chevy impala used to be! before they set govermental standards to curb oil use, cars and engines were HUGE and people could drive much faster than the fuel-economizing limit of “drive 55″…
the point is to teach your children about the dangers of cars BEFORE you let them go on their own and have the chance to make the decision to do something that could get anyone- not just a child- killed!
and heck, cars don’t have to be that big, powerful or fast-moving to injure or kill someone who was not paying attention… they don’t frequently go veering off of the allotted road that they are driving on… and in the case that they do not even sitting in the living room of an urban dwelling is truly safe from “that” driver…! accidents happen.
in our community a child was killed while doing homework in her kitchen. good for her for doing her homework- when she was done she may have even been allowed outside to play in the streets. my point is that you don’t have to be out carousing to end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
People take media-violence and near-crimes (& near-tragedies) in their lives and trump them up into some cautious fiction, which is then used to limit life experience and make a cloud of misery for their progeny. Witness ‘Sibling’ above who wrote: “When I was very young my 2 brothers along with 3 other boys fell through the ice on a small pond and drowned. If they had been supervised or given simple rules such as “don’t go past the block” All of them would still be alive.”
Yes ‘Sibling,’ they would. That guidance would have saved your sibling, but everyone else not slated to fall through ice would just be penalized by your general proscription, and their experience needlessly reduced. Unless everyone in all creation is promised the same experience, your rule is overkill. You don’t make guidelines and rules based on the most random extreme thing that might happen.
Last week on ABCnews, there was an article announcing that Ultimate Fighting has become a sport for kids (!) with one super-stupid parent stating, “He’s going to need to be able to protect himself and his family,” as if a standard lifetime ever requires a person to become physically violent with another person. What a moron.
These terrorized parents impose a harsh world view onto their surroundings that is usually not there. I’m 40 and only about ten years ago after some cross-country trips did I learn that most strangers can be trusted to ehlp youout of a jam and be polite. My parents would have preferred me to believe they were all out to get me. dumb.
Ditto for tiny-minded parents who move to the suburbs for a number of other reasons* then insist it’s about safety. Ten years later their kids are so chroncially unstimulated stranded in the sticks that they join gangs, do drugs, knock up girls, get STDs. Some trade-off huh?
* Moving to the suburbs is really about vanity, narrow-mindedness, neurosis, economy, and personal failings. So it’s comfortable to pretend it’s really something you’re doing it for the kids safety.
Hooray, a sane parent at last!
Completely for {and trying to raise my boys} “free range”. I love this term; this description; this definition. It fits very nicely into a parenting style that I always believed in but didn’t know had a label.
A long time ago I read a quote from somewhere that said: “I remember when a little bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you”.
That quote, I’m sure said by some “old timer” always stuck with me. And it’s what I think of when I’m getting a little anxious about my boys exploring deeper into the woods behind our house. It what relaxes me and lets them be.
I agree that the risks are greater now than 50 years ago. But I also believe in allowing my children {within reason} to develop the inner tools to survive those risks.
I believe in big breakfasts with bacon and butter, running naked through sprinklers in the summer, exploring in the woods peacefully alone to daydream, catching bugs and getting stung by bees, building treehouses and getting splinters, coming in for lunch only because you have just realized you were hungry… I could just go on and on.
I hope I’m never too scared or {circumstantially} jaded to see the good that these things do for the soul.
Thanks!
I totally agree. We have three sons. Our two older boys get to and from school on their own (a mile each way), ride their bikes to friends’ houses, even 5 miles away, walk to the local shopping center on their own, and so on. My middle son has started exploring the city on his bike — something I well remember doing at his age. It always amazes me to see the line of moms in SUVs lining up at the school doors to pick up children and take them to their next appointment. Parents comment on how I “make” my kids get to and from school under their own steam, but I don’t feel guilty. It’s kind of nice to have that down time. Also, I have read that children need to learn independence or they are developmentally stunted. Not to mention never having the opportunity to experience figuring out something on their own. I am a librarian and have worked in both public and academic settings and cannot believe how many parents come up to me and ask their children’s homework question for them — this even happened at the university! Usually I will say, “Why don’t you let him/her tell me what the assignment is him/herself?” They always seem so surprised. Thank you for letting me rant.
so wonderful that someone is making a stand
of course I, too, grew up a free range kid — didn’t we all? — oldest of five and I was free to roam my southeast Portland, Oregon neighborhood from as young as I can remember. there were always boundaries, and amazingly enough, at five or six, we knew what they were! none of us was hurt in the slightest, and two of us ended up valedictorian of our high school.
now I have three boys and they’re a bit young to be sending on the subway alone, but I admit to taking great risks. I let my two-year-old go to the backyard alone to play in the sandbox. I let my five-year-old cross the street without holding hands. I let my nine-month-old eat raw honey. I let them all play in the dirt.
children are far more intelligent and responsible than we’re allowing them to be, today, and I believe in taking reasonable precautions, and then, letting them LIVE.
(note: I let my chickens free range too. their eggs are amazing!)
I am for Free Range^1985th power.
That was the year I was born in, so I am one of the last to have “free range” be anything near common. The area I grew up in was not one of the safest in terms of crime, but I was still allowed, even encouraged, to walk/bike around the neighborhood. I learned street smarts and how to sense what was real danger. I knew how to interact tactfully with other free range kids, far before the word “tact” was in my vocabulary. I’d walk our large dogs around the neighborhood, and no one ever messed with the little güera girl and her lab mutt and chow. And I had my first e-mail address and use of chatrooms of all ages at 11, two years before the modern minimum age of online decision making, and was probably the first minor within at least a mile to do so. No one ever received my address, nor did any gang ever entice me, because I knew no one else would love or care for me more than my God and my parents.
When I was 9, my family went on vacation to Manhattan, and the place terrified me, but only because it was Not Home At All. Home was Phoenix, where trees were taller than buildings, avenues are West and streets are East and never the twain shall meet, either spoke English or Spanish were spoken, and a heavy jacket and mittens were for wearing near Christmas, not before Halloween. I am glad that you and your son are living free range, if you make it work in New York you can make it anywhere. Thank you, and ¡Viva la resistancía!
For. Although I like mobile phones.
WOW!
You guys must be living on another planet. I am living in Germany and from here it looks like big America has vanished somewhere into nothing and lost in fear.
When I was young, we were FREE as kids, and I mean FREE. I was in one place walking nearly half an hour to my school and same time back. In another place, where I was living, I had to take the bus for 45 minutes plus 10 minutes walk from home to the bus station. And guess what, I, like all my friends made the way back home every day. And after school we took the football and off we went to the soccer field to play. Only rule was to come back before dark. And - we all grew up and survived it.
Now I am raising 2 kids (11 and 12) at the moment and they are going to school by bus every day. And they are meeting friends and live a happy live. Actually I DON’T want to know about everything they do. Why should I. They have secrets. GOOD. They should have. It is part of everyones live. Was it difficult to let them go to kindergarden alone when they were young? Of course it was. And I was watching them going that almost one mile to the kindergarden at least as much as I could see (maybe 3 quarters). They were 5 by that time and came back home every day.
So much for my history now back to America: When we were young we looked up to America. We liked that freedom, the opportunities and the rights people seemed to have over there. But now? All you Americans look at your country. ‘The land of the free? The home of the brave?’ Next time you sing your hymn, think twice. Are you still free? What about being brave? When I read through the comments to this real personal website, I found it very strange how some people could attack someone else so terrible for having such a normal opinion. They let their kids grow up free and let them learn about responsibility. That is a good thing!
Face it: You cannot protect your kid from every evil thing in the world. Your kid has to grow up and learn to decide for him/herself. When will you start doing it? When he/she is 18? 21? 25? never?
Don’t be so afraid of live. In the end, you will die anyway. So this short time in between should be filled with joy and happiness not with fear of what could happen. Don’t forget to live. And allow your kids to live too.
Long live FreeRangeKids
P.S.: Tx for reading
I’m pregnant with our first child and absolutely dumbfounded at the safety-mania in the blogging world about children. Listening to a normally wonderful podcast the other day, they were talking about carabiners and how useful they are, but felt the need to have an aside to be careful with them because they can pinch your kids’ fingers.
Carabiners can pinch your kids’ fingers, people! Stop them now!
Yes, the carabiner will pinch your kid’s finger, and they will learn that carabiners pinch. Ow. Pinchy. Move on.
I’m all for free-range children because this is how we learn that life is dangerous and some things hurt and whose responsibility is it to be careful around dangerous things? Yours. Not your parents’.
When I was around twelve, a man pulled up to me in his van as I walking to school and offered me a ride. I refused him because of Stranger Danger, yes, but also because I’d seen creepy adults before and knew better than to go near them. The second lesson is the more effective one.
I rode the subway in Chicago alone for the first time when I was eleven. It had never occurred to me that I could before then, that I was responsible enough to find my way and be responsible for myself. I was. That’s all there is to it.
Sheltering helps no one.
Bravo! I’ve just become an elementary school teacher (US) and the fear shown by some of the parents saddens me. To a great extent, I blame the media and its fear-oriented programming. Once the communists disappeared, they had to scare us with something to get our attention, and crime filled the bill.
What the kids lose in independence and life experience is not offset by their “increased safety”.
The world is not more dangerous for our kids than it was for us, the media has just made sure we know about every tiny thing that happens to kids everywhere, and the Baby Boomers are too protective and it makes for insanity.
I recall 10 years ago visiting a family friend who lived in the house I grew up in. We roamed the neighborhood and never thought about it. Now, she fenced in the back yard and watches her daughter (at least 12 years old) if she goes back there! This is a home in a small town, great neighborhood and so far from any real danger. It’s crazy! Fear put on her by the media.
Serial killers existed in the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s. But today its a fear. These priests did their worst decades ago, but today its a fear. Get real.
I give my daughter the same freedoms I had. I do not succumb to the hysteria.
Just found your website on the front page of del.icio.us and I love it. I was just thinking about this the other day.
When we were young, we rode around in the back of our grandfather’s pickup truck; played in a swamp; wandered around our neigborhood at will — much of it wooded and secluded. We played with clackers (Remember those small, solid balls that you clacked together?), yard darts and vine swings. We ate candy, drank soda and watched tv. Yet somehow we survived!
One of my sisters — who grew up with this freedom — immediately became a crazy person when her kids were born. They are monitored 24/7, can’t have sugar, can’t even sit out on their front porch — forget about
going to the park alone — someone will steal them.
Instead of having the freedom to explore, learn and grow, their days are: School, then sports teams after school (all year long, doesn’t matter which ones just as long as they are in them), then homework, then school, then sports teams, then homework. Every so often they get to go to the park “as a family”, but never by themselves.
Kids are growing up to be a bunch of medicated sheep without the ability to think for themselves. So sad.
the backlash for kids without a parent present is the upshot of the no-child-left-unattended policy.
my 14 year old son and his friends were picked up by the cops at the train tracks near our house because it is now so uncommon for kids to be out on their own that clearly they were up to something awfully suspicious by picking those blackberries that grow in profusion there. none of them had cell phone umbilical cords so they were treated like drug-dealing runaway truant thugs! they were each individually delivered to their doorsteps in the police cruiser.
my 8 year old carries a note in his back pocket that says:
my mom knows where i am. she told me it was okay to be here and she knows i can get home on my own. if you really don’t believe me, call her (and then there is our number) and then i’ve signed it.
this may seem silly, but so far 3 different parents have called me while he’s been out at the park near our house to make sure.
keep up the good work!
FEAR! what a perfect way to destroy all that is wonderful in the world.
It’s absurd that you are making a stand - and yet you are. Thank for refusing to submit. You are doing your son the greatest service you can ever do for him.
This is the parenting advice I have been waiting for.
A wonderful way to raise your children! My girls are growing up to be self-sufficient, strong, and confident in the world. We chose to live near a school so they can walk or ride their bikes to and from. When we hike, they are the navigators. I am teaching them to be good route finders and careful, competent backcountry explorers. I have taught them a lot and have much more to teach them. I will never teach them t