The Irresistible Onion: “Kid Ready to Start Playdating Again”

Oh Readers — Who can resist the temptation to quote from America’s Finest News Source? Not me. So here goes. To read the perfect article in its delightful entirety (complete with mom trying to set the boy up),  click here! — L.

TAMPA, FL—Despite having been hurt more times than he can count, local kindergartner Kyle Gallagher told reporters this week that he’s finally ready to get out there and start playdating again.

Gallagher, whose last serious relationship ended three months ago, said his decision to meet new children and return to the playdating scene wasn’t easy.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous—after all, it’s been a while since I’ve played spacemen with someone else,” Gallagher said between small sips from a grape-juice box. “But I just can’t worry about that kind of thing anymore. It’s time to get back on that horse and see what’s out there for me.”

“I mean, I’m almost five and a half,” he added. “I’m not getting any younger.”

According to sources close to Gallagher, the small child has focused on keeping himself busy in recent weeks by drawing pictures of ninjas and searching for hidden treasures in hopes of distracting himself from the pain of his recent breakup.

Despite his efforts to forget about Jeremy and the time the two spent together jumping up and down on his bed…

Ok! Go click!

13 Responses

  1. Hysterical!

  2. Brilliant!

  3. The guys at the CAD forums will get a laugh from this (we play a game where we try to pass onion articles off as real and see how long it takes for someone to point out it is real)

  4. At first glance, I thought your post was about the 50- something Mom who’s ‘casting a wider net’ for her 31 year old son by adding a dating component to her website. When is the cut off date for helicopter parenting?!

  5. That was too funny!

  6. With a just a bit of tweaking, this tongue-in-cheek article could resemble a real one. The recent “friendship coach” phenomenen comes to mind.

  7. Loved it!

  8. Hey, you mock, but I’ve set up my own playdate this evening at a pub to watch sports on TV. I’m just saying, it’s a life skill! =)


  10. Amazing how when you step back and make a humoerous story about what people take seriously how absurd it really looks. Great article. I hope when the laughing stops people will begin rethinking their behavior.

  11. Dave: I’ve always very strongly suspected that the evolutionary reason why we have a sense of humor is that it serves as a sanity check on our own ideations. Zealots and fanatics are notoriously humorless, and I suspect it’s the lack of a sense of humor that allows them to be so singleminded (my favorite example was the animal-rights activist, invited to address the students at a prep school, telling a bunch of 11-13-year old boys that drinking milk was bad for them because it would make them fart. Someone with an actual sense of humor would have known this would backfire. Then there was the far-right Canadian political party that, in the course of changing its name from the Reform Party to the Alliance Party, briefly called itself the Canadian Reform Alliance Party until someone realized that its initials, well, smelled).

  12. About 10 years ago the Onion ran an article about a tiny homeless man who was found in a woman’s vagina. He was discovered after the woman went to the emergency room suffering from some bloating and cramping. The tiny man was less than 2 feet tall, weighed about 7 and half pounds, was incoherent, covered in blood and mucus, bald, toothless and had clearly suffered some recent trauma. Authorities suspected he was mentally ill, because he refused to speak and would alternate between screaming at them and sleeping peacefully. Police were at a loss about how someone in such shape could have carried off the complicated crime of sneaking into the woman’s home, much less into her vagina.

    It was the funniest thing I had ever read (I’m laughing now even thinking about it). So… when my daughter was born, I changed some of the details, added in my wife’s name as the name of the “victim” and sent it out as a birth announcement.

    Most of my friends thought it was hilarious. MIL was not amused.

  13. I wanna hug this kid! – Oh! may I? =)

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